“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”
“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”
“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”
Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.
They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.
Good Starting Point for Reconciling
But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.
You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.
That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”
The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:
“Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.
I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.
I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.
Start With Prayer
Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:
“Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Next:
There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.
Closed Spirit
A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.
And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.
He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.
In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
He wrote:
Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:
• Speak harsh words.
• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.
• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Take her for granted.
• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.
• Show that you do not trust her.
• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.
• Act rude to her in front of others.
• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.
Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.
We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.
And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!
If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”
Gary goes on to then state the following:
“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”
I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.
I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.
Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:
“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.
“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”
I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.
True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.
A Helpful Article on Reconciling
I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.
All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the Familyministries.com link to this article.
Please read:
• RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE
Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.
Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.
Live For God
I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?
If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.
I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage
My wife left with our 2 small kids after 10 years of marriage. I was wrong to use bad speaking to her but now she left and said she can’t live with me anymore. I must only do it for kids and not for her. I’m really heart broken. I’ve tried everything – praying everyday, asking for forgiveness.
My wife and I been together 16 years; had lived together for six years, then decided to get married. We both have been previously married and she has three kids from former relationships, I have three kids from a previous marriage. All the kids are about the same age and we have no children from our relationship.
Before we were married we built and bought a new home together for our blended family. However, my kids lived with us for a while and then individually moved on.
We were 37 and 39 years old when we met so with that many kids high school and junior high age and one elementary, we became the Brady Bunch
Of course, everything going on before the marriage, we did not prepare ourselves with the challenges of a blended family. This became more evident even after we were married in 2006 and we tried many avenues to reset our family dynamics. We planned on moving to another place, away from our family and community surroundings, to get away from a lot of negatives family and our past relationships. But we decided to stay in this house because of our jobs were here as well and until the time that we could move
We’ve had so many challenges individually and together, physically, financially and maritally. I realize I forgot most of the bad and remember the good book to this point. Let me fast-forward to the last two years. She has said she would like to separate and possibly leave. She thinks divorce is necessary because she doesn’t believe that I am capable of handling the house finances and she thinks that I have hidden money and issues from her. She is having major trust, believe and honesty issues with me in the relationship and to a degree, I suppose I am with her also.
I have admitted to her and tried to reassure her that we are not in a bad place in life, that I do realize that if it helps the security for her in our marriage, for her to be more assertive and running the family finances and decisions.
I am fine, we just need to put all our past hurts behind us from other relationships. We’ve had major trust issues of past relationships and what she has had done to her has all become reflective in this relationship. She did not realize that what I was trying to do is helping us. She has taken it as me being manipulating and dishonest. In 16 years I’ve had one goal: to love her and make her happy every day. She has thrilled me since the day I met her and she has been the love of my life for 16 years. I am trying harder than ever to convey that but I am not getting through completely to her very hardened heart. I know her past relationships did major damage to her heart, I only wanted to help heal her past and give her a wonderful life together. Help please.
Presently there is legal paperwork in motion. We are still living together in the same house but under separate conditions in our house. We have been able to at least remain friends just not loving and intimate like we were before all this heart damage came to life.
I am reconnecting with our church we both grew up in church but we both have let that become a non-priority. Please pray for us and any helpful advice or recommendations would be a great relief and blessing thank you.
But you never explained why a wife would harden her heart and commit adultery twice and abandon a good man and kids, stay in denial and act if all is okay, btw… this is a 23 year marriage. A lot of these articles are so geared toward the man in what he needs to do, but we forget that some men are in a Hosea and Gomer type of relationship and women are committing adultery left and right and leaving good marital relationships and the guilt shame and embarrassment is too much to beat them after the dust settles and they go into denial…
Thank for your very encouraging words in this article and just for reminding me that I am a child of God and that I need to reconcile my relationship with him again. I earnestly believe in my heart that when I sincerely commit to the Lord Jesus Christ the road to getting my wife back, my true love, will begin. Again, thank you so much.
I had been married to the love of my life for 20 years. We have three wonderful children together. I cheated on my wife in 2014 and was caught shortly after. When I was confronted by my wife and daughters I attempted to deny but eventually confessed. I was asked to leave the house in order to give my famiky a rest. When I returned home after 90 days I noticed my girls barely acknowledged my existence. Instead of humbling myself, I hardened my heart against them as I felt “betrayed.” I avoided my girls and wife as I slept in the guest room. I put all my time and energy in my career and alcohol.
I missed my older daughter’s senior year for the most part and gradation was here before I knew it. She went off to college, I cried a lot but remained steadfast in my pride and anger “me against the world.” My middle child and I barely speak and when we did it was usually an argument. In Oct 2015, my wife served me divorce papers. I ignored and told her I wanted to reconcile but then left and went drinking. Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. We sold our house, moved to a rental under same living conditions. In March 2016, again I was served divorce papers and again ignored.
In May 2016, I went out of town on business. When I returned on a Friday, I learned I was now divorced and 30 days to move out. I grabbed a bag, and left for a few days! That night, I was awakened as my life flashed before my eyes. For the first time in a long time, I dropped to my knees asking our Lord and Savior for forgiveness and help. At the moment, I truly realized and understood, I had lost my family and let them go without a fight! I grabbed my Bible, read Proverbs and Romans. That same evening I reached out to my family. One daughter responded with I “hate you type of text.” Completely understood. I reached out to my middle and we even went out for a smoothie.
Next, I talked to my wife and she told me as a Christian she was very happy I had cried out to God. She also told me to repair my relationship with my kids before anything else. First chance I got I went to church. One of the sermons the pastor discussed was that the devil only comes to “steal, destroy, and kill.” Why am I writing this? Because I needed to. I’m facing a very long journey to reconcile with my family. I ask for your prayers and I in turn pray someone who reads this before they harden their heart and push their family away. That’s what he (satan) wants is to steal your family, make you believe you are worthless and keep you out of God’s kingdom! And thanks to all who posted as I have gotten a lot out your post.
My wife has left. I am a man of God and my wife is somewhat; that was work in progress on my part. Moving on, we are a Christian family. I came home for work, and my wife has cleared out all personal stuff, kid’s personal stuff, Christmas stuff, pots, kids dressers etc etc.. No note, no nothing.
Let me start from the beginning. Your article above made sense about the fingers around the heart. Me and my wife met in 2008 (this was after me having a failed relationship that ended up bad… I walked out on them; I had a child with that other woman and after the child was taken away it took a while for me to find myself again). My wife, at the time we met, worked together and she went off to college. She left me her number before she left and I finally called it.
Fast foward 2 years later we got engaged, 2 years after that, we got married. I finished school; she was almost done (and I finally got full custody of my son thanks to the help of the Lord and my wife). Then things went kind of idk. Counseling, fighting, pushing on my part yelling, her resenting my son because of who his mother is. In-laws and arguments, we all calmed down 4 years later her and I had a child. Then 1 year later we had another child; now it’s three kids.
I started to notice then she wanted to chase her career. I wanted a stay at home wife. She got what she wanted. So I brought in a nanny to help with the kids and clean the home. So my wife could be less stressful because when she’s less stressed, everyone’s good. I don’t know if it was that it was my anger or my child from another relationship or that the Ph.D. Therapist said she had problems way before I came along. But she didn’t talk to me much. I had to beg for date nights.
She at one point said I’m not going to church anymore, money got tight, but we made it through. That’s just a snippet of our life. I’m so hurt that I lost my best friend. I’m so lonely, it’s hard for me to be there for my oldest son who is with me. My two boys and I have no idea where she’s at. A few months ago I started to notice stuff missing around the home. After month of digging I found out she had plan on getting a mobile home to move into at the end of May start of June. So we talked; she said watch your anger and start parenting your oldest son better and after two months we will see where we stand. But in the back of my mind I was scared. I didn’t get any kind of assurance that things are working.
The night before I was upset and sat on the porch thinking something’s just not right. I found a note behind her credit card in her purse that said “signed purchase agreement and get deposit.” In my mind I’m like you’re trying to move out on me; she said I’m done. I come home from work the next day and stuff is gone and now I wonder what I could have done differently. I did reach out to her and said a few things. I said I will give you space. I lost my best friend, and I will try to hold on and work on me for our marriage during this time. She only responded with thank you and that I think we need time to re evaluate ourselves. I don’t know what that means. But never in a million years did I think this would be us. We’ve been through so much and our youngest is only 1 and a half years old.
I’m 32 she is 27. I have had no relationship with the nanny. I always showed my wife love and tried to capture her goals and dreams with respect. Man this sucks so bad I would move heaven and earth to get my wife back. She was my everything…I don’t think she wants this anymore, not the way she moved out. I had to reach out to her.
I agree things add up, harsh words, not trusting. I have done them. I’ve told my wife I was sorry. I’ve told the elders friends and coworkers. I admit my faults; GOD knows them anyway. People that close up in a two year period or ever close up, might wanna make sure they love that person. I fall short everyday and JESUS doesn’t close up on me!! Excuses and crutches are bull. Man or Woman up and quit complaining; you either love one another or your a liar from the get go.
I was married for almost 6 years, with him for almost 10 years. I have an adopted son who he fathers even though we are not together. My ex and I never really argued until the end. He had a baby on me before we were married but I forgave and married him anyway.
Long story short, he left about a year ago and married someone else yet he still comes to me. I still love him because when I married him it was til death due us part. I pray that God will not only open his eyes to he fact that the grass is not greener (which I think he sees) but that he gets his mind right and comes back home to me, out kids and especially to God. When I met him, he was in church, something is broken with him, us our family. I want more than anything for him to love me like Christ loves the church. Is it wrong to pray for this now that he is married?
It’s always right to pray. He probably doesn’t have anyone praying for him. You may be the only one. I pray the Lord talks to your heart to see what He sees and to live your life accordingly.
I have been married 23 years and my wife has filed for divorce. She is a counselor and will not talk to me. She said I have not put her on a pedestal and I have said mean comments to her and have not said the correct things to her. We have 2 kids 19 and 17 they are torn apart. We have a nice home and all bills taken care of. Last year she said we should go to counseling and I said no because I didn’t know there was a problem. Man I was wrong! She is sleeping in the back room and has not moved out or removed her wedding rings but says she definitely wants out. She just turned 50 and she says she needs to find herself and travel the world and get her own place.
For the last 6 months she has been going away every weekend and for several week trips leaving her kids and barely talking to them. I have been trying to get back together but she wants no part. She says she loves me and I will always be the love of her life but will not let me touch her. I pay all the bills and do all the house work and yard work. I just don’t get it. Any advice will be great.
Free will. If one person wants out, not even God Himself can put it back together again. I hoped and prayed and fought. All it did was slowly destroy me from the inside out. Now I have hardened MY heart, because there are no promises that can’t be broken, and I will never go through that again.
Thanks for the support
I have been married 34 years, we have two grown children. My marriage is falling apart, for lack of communication. There are times we don’t talk for 3 weeks. It’s like a living nightmare. I have such deep hurts, but when I try to talk to him, he is oblivious and doesn’t acknowledge anything. In his eyes there is nothing wrong, and if it is, it is my fault, because he says he doesn’t do anything wrong and is trying hard to get along. Even when in instances when things are obvious and clear to define, as in certain instances are, and I try to point them out, he always finds a way to point out it is really my fault and he is not doing anything wrong, saying I am over-reacting and imagining everything.
He wants to tuck every problem ‘under the rug’, wants to turn over a new leaf, pretending they’re not there. And when I don’t respond the way he wants me to, pretending everything is fine, he draws back in his turtle shell, and silent treatments start. I can’t live like this anymore. I’d rather live in one room shack, being alone, eating only bread and water, than going through this nightmare. I have no way of supporting myself; I work part time, and to live on my own is out of my reach. I just don’t know how to rescue myself from this nightmare. I think I am at the end of my rope…I don’t know what to do. I feel abandoned and all alone.
God help me!
Hi Hope, I am a husband married 36 years, also 2 grown children. I can only imagine what your situation is like… and it likely did not develop from one day to the next, but has built up over a long time.
How is he “trying hard to get along”? Is he aware of your deep hurts? Wasn’t there a better period in which you two were talking more often and sharing with each other? Can you define in more clear terms how you got to where you are now?
Is your husband also unhappy? Does he acknowledge that this woeful lack of communication is NOT OK? Or is your husband a very phlegmatic, quiet type, while you tend to be more verbal? Or is your husband quite happy here, and you are the one shouldering the burden? I’m trying to get a better picture of the dynamic between you.
Prayer is a powerful tool…are you are prayerful person? Do you have friends and family whom you trust, and to whom you can turn for support? Perhaps you can contribute more information so readers here can pray for specific things, and share from a more knowledgeable position with you. Take care for now…Hope you return…WP (Work in Progress)
Hello, WP, Thank you for your response to my comment and for caring. No, our situation didn’t develop overnight, and there were times we would sit long hours, late in the night, talking, planing and just being together. Our problems started when our daughter, who is the younger of two children, was in teenage years. When she would not comply with simple home rules and was disrespectful to me and rebellious, we had arguments, and she would talk back to me, my husband never supported me. Then when I got upset with him, he blamed me because, as he said, I “lost it” and over-reacted. He said I didn’t know how to raise kids, so HE WILL. So I took my hands off. He really didn’t.
Our son turned out fine, because he gave his life to the Lord at early age. But our daughter not so good, although she in many ways did retain lots of teachings and principles and acknowledges them as right, but is not living them. We have to trust God in this case. The hurts from those times cut very deep, some instances of his insensitivity toward me forever etched in my memory. Our communication broke down, and after each episode of silence my resentment was deeper. I struggled with it and it became a mountain between me and God also.
My husband is a quiet man, works hard and has no time for anything but work. I know he is overworked. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to stir anything, wanting to pretend that if he turns over a new leaf, not facing issues and acts peaceful, gives me a pat on cheek, asks me how I’m doing, being kind toward me, I should do likewise and go on like nothing happened. After all, he’s trying to fix it.
I’m the type of person that if there is a problem, we must deal with it, and I need to be reassured that my side is being heard and considered, or else I too will shut up and will become unresponsive to his attempts to “go on” like everything is fine. So, when I don’t go along, silent treatments start.
I can’t express in words the resentment I feel toward him at those times. It grows and turns into bitterness, and then I can’t pray. When after, what is often weeks of silence, he starts to say “hello”, and says if I want to talk, we talk. By that time I have nothing to say. He says, I hold grudges, but if he acknowledged my hurt, and tried to understand me, my grudges would melt away. In May of 2015 I went to my home country in Southern Europe where I come from, staying a month. From the beginning of the year to the month of May we probably were on speaking terms 1/3 of time, 2/3 we didn’t speak… Just before my trip we started to speak. I honestly didn’t know what I would come home to… I was hoping that he would have missed me. When I came I didn’t feel like a missed wife. He was good and nice, no arguments, but no closeness as if there is love between two people. Few days after I told him that we need to have marriage counseling. He got offended by me saying this, and said he thought things were good between us and we can work things out. This episode ended with 2 weeks of silence. There were many more since then.
Last Father’s day was the last one. I have a music leading ministry in nursing home/ retirement community chapel. He was there once before visiting. For a while I wanted him to come again to one of the services, so we planned for Father’s day. I was looking forward to it, then going out having a dinner together. He had some problems a few days before, so I told him if he doesn’t feel up to it this Sunday, it’s OK, and he can do it another Sunday. He said he’ll be fine.
I am very happy in my ministry to the elderly, and have much love for them, which is being expressed in every way and my songs are sung from the heart. I was glad my husband was there. After service when we went to the car he never said a word about anything, my music, service, not one mention of service, my songs, being happy for me… NOTHING. I was looking for his encouragement and his approval… We went to a store, since it was to-early to eat yet. But when I saw how he was, I told him it’s OK, we go home and eat. I couldn’t endure silence in a restaurant when we’re supposed to enjoy not just food but time together. There was mostly silence on the way home, and when he spoke it was about trivial things like cars on the road, mowing grass, his work…
I am hurt; I feel abandoned. Time and space doesn’t permit me to go on…The article link on this page (Reconciliation to a hardened wife), describes me to the point that I was practically ‘floored’ reading it… But how many husbands do listen? If I gave this to him to read, what would his reaction be? When once I put everything I felt into a letter, he cocked up, said it is NOT true. Weeks of SILENCE followed.
I just don’t know if anything will help a man who is so hardened to his wife’s needs. God knows I am willing, but there has to be both people input. Or else I think I will suffocate. I have no other family here in this country, (only him and children) and it isn’t easy for me to make friends. In the area that I live people tend to be reserved, and I have experienced prejudice. I still have my Slavic accent, so they know I’m not from here. So I am very lonely person, longing for love and closeness. That’s why I’m so happy with the residence in nursing home, they are very receptive. I appreciate people’s kind words and their prayers and and am deeply touched when someone shows that they really care.
Hi Hope, I have read through your most recent text several times and I will try to put my thoughts in order…
I too do not live in my own country – I am American; my wife is Dutch, we now live in the Netherlands – in the province Limburg now for 25 years, where people are also very reserved, and when one does not make friends easily. Am I to understand that you two live in your husband’s country – the USA – where he feels at home and does have friends and family? Americans can sometimes be predjudiced…I know!! In any cse, this is an additional hurdle for you… I can very well imagine how you feel – I have had the same. I have my American accent, so people know right away I am not from here either!
Ahh yes, your husband IS quiet, I was wondering about that – therefore my question in my last text. I am also the quiet type…I can well imagine that your husband did not comment on your singing and ministry, but perhaps not because he doesn’t care, but because it doesn’t occur to him to comment or express his observations. He is a hard worker, and immersed in his work…it is likely that he has no idea really, of how keenly you feel the impact of this lack of sharing and communication. If he is an American, and living in his own country, he likely has no idea of what it is like for you to live in the US without family, and among people who perhaps are wary and standoffish with a person who clearly does not come from there (your Slavic accent). Has he ever lived in your country?? I would guess not, from what you have said.
I think it would be good if you were to let him read this text you just wrote. It is well thought out (well written). He needs to know where you are and how you feel. He may feel that “things are good between us and we can work things out…” well then…. let’s work things out!! He needs to know that you feel hurt and abandoned. Likely he does not know this. Did you ever go to marriage counselling?
Your involvement with the elderly sounds like a lifeline for you!! You are clearly good at worship and singing (my wife is too). This you should keep up of course!
Is your daughter now older, and beyond that difficult stage? Or are you two still conflicting over how you should be raising her during these last years?
I wish I had better answers. For sure, your Father in Heaven knows your conflicts and stresses. See what you think of these suggestions. Perhaps you should write him a letter consisting of your text here? Tell him that you really need to talk and share, and feel emotionally more one?
Prayer is powerful…perhaps also you can share some of these things with the elderly with whom you are singing? Is that a possibity?
One last thought- It is interesting that your husband sharted to be more communicative with you just before you left for your month’s stay in your home country. It seems that he is very much in his comfort zone, whereas you are not…. and when he realized that you would be gone… only then did he make an effort to open up a little…… Did he initiate communication? Or did you? You take care…. many on this site are very prayerful people…. WP (Work in Progress)
Thank you Hope, for posting your honest comment. How I pray you and your husband are able to work out your differences in some way. As I read about your problems, they are all too familiar –communication differences. My husband and I sure have had our fair share of them (most couples do) –particularly earlier in our marriage before we learned more how to bridge our differences. We still have our times, but they are VERY much fewer and less complicated.
You sound like a wonderful woman… one I wish I knew personally. I love your heart concerning your music ministry to the residents at the nursing home. I’m proud of you and I have a feeling your husband is too. He just isn’t “skilled” or isn’t tuned into the importance of telling you so. When you said he’s quiet, it occurred to me that as a quieter type, he has a tendency to back away from communication situations. I’m not sure. But I’ve seen it over and over again. Opposites very often get together, and eventually have to find ways to make their opposite ways work together for them.
I just read something that reminds me of your situation (and most marriage situations). Mike Mason wrote, “Marriage is not about sameness, but about oneness, which is characterized less by similarities than by differences. One partner is a man, the other a woman, and that’s just the beginning. One is sociable, the other reclusive; one prefers sunshine, the other clouds and rain; one loves poetry, the other scorns it; one is punctual; the other lives largely free of the constraints of time… How can two such opposites ever be one? Might as well ask how a glove fits a hand, or how black print appears on a white page. Oneness arises from differences fitting together, from contrasts corresponding.” It’s true… but even if you are opposite from each other, you CAN find ways to make your relationship work. My husband and I have. He was the avoider and I was the one who wanted to get it out in the open, and deal with it. We’ve since learned more about each other and how to build relationship bridges… and through the years we’ve grown closer and closer and have an excellent marriage.
I don’t know if you are much of a reader, but I know of two books that have helped countless couples bridge their differences. Many of the principles we have learned the hard way are laid out in these books. I highly recommend for you to read them because they could perhaps give you insight into your husband’s “love style” — how he approaches life and “love” and what you can do to build bridges, rather than walls between you. The first one is a book written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich titled, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
. It’s published by Water Brook. The authors of this book “draw on the tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an ‘intimacy imprint’ —an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. The principles and solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to… –identify the imprints disrupting your marriage –understand how your love style impacts your mate –break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship –enhance your sexual intimacy, and –create a deeper, richer marriage.” I heard the Yerkovich’s talk about this subject and could see how it could absolutely change the lives of couples in positive ways as they better understood each other’s communication styles. It’s truly an enlightening book –revealing things I’d never realized before. I’m thinking it would do the same for you. I’ve provided a link within this reply that will lead you to a way to purchase it (plus a link to the next book).
There is another book we highly recommend: Talk Easy, Listen Hard: Real Communication for Two Really Different People
written by Nancy Sebastian Meyer, published by Moody publishers. This is a book we highly recommend because it has shorter versions of some of the important communication info we have read through (that helped our marriage) that will help you to better understand your wife or husband. As the book says, “it helps you tackle your communication barriers, not each other.” Many of the things covered in this book (which is laid our very simply), are things we learned through many different resources. But what’s great about this is that it’s all in one book —some of the highlights of the best, within the same resource. How I wish I would have had this book earlier in our marriage. This book can really open your eyes if you read and apply the info.
I pray this helps in some way. I know that what you wrote has much, much more that you haven’t conveyed. But it’s really not possible to write and discuss it all. I do hope though that you prayerfully read these books and ask the Lord to give you wisdom on how to best bridge your differences –giving each other grace, and yet also getting more of your needs met. I hope that WP gives some insight from a man’s point of view, as you have asked him to. It helps to get input from many. I pray that somehow you and your husband learn (and hope you apply) what it takes to get closer to being on the same page in meeting each other’s needs. I have a feeling you are both wonderful people, but somehow you need to learn how to do life better together than you are right now. My husband and I have… and we are very different, but as I said, our marriage is absolutely terrific. It CAN happen. We were close to divorce at one point, and now I can’t imagine my life without my husband. We are madly in love with each other. I hope that for you.
Can you restore your marriage when you feel your husband doesn’t love you anymore? I’ve been married for 6 years now and this is my second marriage. I have a daughter from prior marriage. Everything was great at first but since we had our own child my husband seems to lose interest in our marriage. He is a great dad with our son only. I desperately tried to get his attention and feeling so unloved, I became a terrible person. I cursed, belittled him, didn’t respect him and hurt him with my words. I even asked for divorce several times.
Things got worse and worse. If before he has a little interest on saving our marriage now I feel like he shut down completely from me. I apologized for all the damage I caused and he accepted it but he doesn’t seem to have any interest in me anymore. My heart is broken; he does things that hurt me and I tried to take it positive to not fight but on the inside I am dying. I really want to save my marriage, and I would do anything to fight for it. But I always wonder if I can recover his love.
Hi Maria, You situation sounds difficult, but by no means impossible. At least you are owning your negative contribution… “I cursed, belittled him, didn’t respect him and hurt him with my words. I even asked for divorce several times.” This, of course, needs to stop Yesterday!!
The best things you can do are: PRAY… and treat him as you would like to be treated. Another, perhaps more risky strategy, is to pull back just a little… allow him space… take just a little distance. It is possible that you have been giving the impression of being “needy” and “desperate” – both of which are “not so attractive.” Be there for him, let him know that you love him, but be busy with your own friends, activities, hobbies as well.
You will know when the time is right… but also… flirt with him! Initiate physical intimacy… We men need that from our wives! Let him know that you want him, desire him… The following sites are very good:
https://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-husband-his-way/comment-page-10/#comment-347866
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
I hope these ideas help… Please ket us know what’s happening? Take Care, WP (Work in Progress)
I am a husband that is fighting to win back his wife’s heart. There have been many small things throughout the years that have hurt her. I have grown towards God through this like never before. She has closed hers off even to God. I feel that I’m doing everything I can possibly do to work on me. Yet, it does not faze her and she is not willing to seek help and wants to seperate/divorce. I am standing and fighting for our marriage.
She wants desperately to find a story of someone else that has felt this way and has restored their marriage. Not easy to find. There has been no infidelity. Just brokeness. Small things over time. I pray constantly. This pain is sometimes paralyzing. We have two children (9 & 11) this is effecting. She is not willing to work this out for their sake. She feels broken. She has lost her faith in our Lord where it was once stronger than mine.
I REFUSE to give up on her and feel that she needs rescued from these decisions where she is going away from her core beliefs. She will not be happy going against them. Yet, she is willing to do that to get away. I am devastated. She has lost her love for me.
Jarrod my friend, I empathize with your emotional odyssey. I could have written the first paragraph of your situation; it was my experience as well, with one exception. You have the advantage of for warning,I did not. I too resolved to fight for my wife/marriage/life. My wife and I have been married for 36 years. We have had our ups and downs. This time was different. I had just been forced to retire due to my health. Out of no where she compels me to move out; she wants a legal separation. I was confused, hurt, lost still trying to cope with losing my health, career, now my wife?
Life blind sided me, knocked me down and kicked me in the teeth. Well you can lay there on the ground or you can get up and fight back. I was a mess emotionally, physically, mentally. I am a follower of our Lord Jesus. If not for my faith in him I think I may have been forever lost. It gets worse, bare with me my friend please. I also was fighting three entities, no man wants to engage. You got it the IRS, Aetna and Federal Rail Road Retirement Board. I began my fight.
First priority as you said was to win my wife’s heart back. I did every thing I could think of as you did. I read and studied about something I apparently knew nothing about Women! Lord help me Mentally/emotionally how to understand their needs –physically how to meet their needs, as well as how they are put together. My wife was going through menopause as well. Hot flashes enough said!
Just as you said Jarrod, my Herculaneum like efforts did not impress. I learned the hard way that all the mean things I said to her over the years have no statues of limitations, and they are as bricks in a wall. A wall to my own hurt and shame. The more I learned the more I needed to learn. I love her so roll up my sleeves, have been working at destroying my wall; I built it sturdy. But I will not give up it will come down.
I pray to God for the strength and beg my wife for the time to get the job done! I thought I was a good man, a good provider, caring, Godly, and a good father. It has been two yrs now. I won my fight with the IRS after the death of a rain forest (paper work). I beat the RRRB after the death of another rain forest. Aetna either heard of my fighting record or we have run out of rain forests. They ran away. My most important fight was for the love of my life.
Well Jarrod. I lost the battle for my marriage, so too my wife. But she tells me she wants me in her life. So I am still in the fight, as I told my love, it was only one battle in the war I call my life. This week is one of the harder ones. I must sign my home away. We have 5 grandchildren together and counting. Jarrod my friend, I make you a promise. My love will once again be my wife. I am only 57; my illness is progressive, and incurable. It will be along road ahead with its many hills and valleys. Jarrod, fight on my friend.
This is the best article. Well said and it’s true we have to work with God to reconcile to our loved wife and I am going to do it as God has given me life and my wife.