“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”
“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”
“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”
Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.
They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.
Good Starting Point for Reconciling
But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.
You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.
That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”
The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:
“Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.
I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.
I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.
Start With Prayer
Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:
“Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Next:
There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.
Closed Spirit
A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.
And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.
He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.
In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
He wrote:
Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:
• Speak harsh words.
• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.
• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Take her for granted.
• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.
• Show that you do not trust her.
• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.
• Act rude to her in front of others.
• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.
Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.
We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.
And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!
If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”
Gary goes on to then state the following:
“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”
I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.
I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.
Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:
“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.
“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”
I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.
True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.
A Helpful Article on Reconciling
I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.
All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the Familyministries.com link to this article.
Please read:
• RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE
Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.
Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.
Live For God
I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?
If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.
I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage
(US) I am a wife who has lost the abilty to love my husband as I once did, we are married 25 years and we have been through a lot of painful rides. Sometimes I think to myself if I were not 53 but 23, I would have never been attracted to my husband’s character, but here we are. My husband has been dealing with the attraction of pornagraphy since we met. I was asked by him if I was interested in it when we met but I told him I was into God (I was a new Christian) and he wasn’t. And that was the end of that. He was saved and we got married. He continued in his porn for all this time. I would always catch, him he would deny it, and then fess up. In and out of counseling with pastor, assistant pastors, friends…you name it we’ve seen them. It was last year that my husband was caught after church and him playing on the worship team that I followed him without him knowing to an adult store in which he was watching a film. I told all the hi top people and from there in the last year we have worked on our relationship together, me struggling to fully trust but still doing it. Last week I came home to find my husband on porn again on the computer. I am so sad. He said it was just a stupid mistake, just one push of the finger he said he hadn’t been looking at it at all through the year…it was just this once and I caught him again and that God loves him so much that he wants to show him something that he hadn’t been seeing all this time that he needs healing.
He is in a 12 step program now and counseling with someone on addictions. Its all about him now getting help and healing. All I know in my heart is that I always catch him. He never comes to the realization that he needs help, but now he’s getting help. He was all during last year too, but I guess that wasn’t enough help and the right help as he tells me. I’m hurt, sad, confussed, and I can’t seem to connect to my heart. I can’t find the right emotion at the right time. I’m angry, upset and trying to forgive and I don’t want to hurt back. I’m looking at my own inperfections, my sins, my wrong doings. I talked to some women at church they tell me I need deliverence from my past. Growing up when I was a child I have things in my life that I need to let go of, my anger and unforgiveness. Sometimes I just want to scream, CAN ANYONE HEAR ME OH GOD COME TO ME>
(USA) Sad reading all these details. I have been separated for 8 months now. Married for 15 years, I provided for my family well, and loved my family but I was abusive towards my wife, had a Dr. Jekell and Mr Hyde thing going on. I was disrespectful, cruel at times, my words tore her down instead of lifting her up, out of control. And so much more.
My point of saying this is, after 8 months of separation my wife refuses to speak to me concerning anything. I go to counseling and anger management classes; they have helped me. I did not want to restore my marriage to start with but it seems that God is pushing me to stay faithful to this covenant. So if anything I have learned through all this is it is a covenant with God. There is no excuse for divorce just the right choice to obey God.
When we were together, she was more a Christian and now it seems the table has turned. All the ugly dishonest actions are coming from her. There is no excuse for divorce. Our children are suffering beyond belief and nothing seems to bother her. I am tired, lonely and feel hopeless. Not sure of my point, but I ask for prayer.
(UNITED STATES) My wife of three months had an affair and I caught her a month ago. We have been together for 4 years. I moved out and went to the church seeking counseling. My wife has hardened her heart and will not respond to any outreach I try to get her to come to counseling with me. I miss her dearly and forgive her for what she has done, I have also been inspecting myself and the role I played in this. Does anyone have advice about resting in the Lord and waiting on his timing with a wife who is chosing to live a worldly lifestyle?
(USA) Yes, move back home. Especially if you have children. If she doesn’t want you there, she is free to move out. No need for you to flee because she is choosing sin. You need to be there to protect any children you have from the consequences of her choice to sin.
(UNITED STATES) We have no children. Our lease was up so she decided to move back in with her parents who are enabling her behavior, I got an apartment. She has been avoiding the church as they have reached out to her trying to just speak to her about how she feels about reconciling. She has ignored my emails and changed her phone number. I am trying to find a peace in the Lord because I can’t change her heart.
(USA) Please pray for my wife’s hardened heart. I have hardened it thru action and inaction. I love her and pray to God that Cheryl’s heart be softened to save our marriage and family. She is a good woman. I request that the Lord bring us together in prayer and love. I ask that we attend church together and build a strong relationship with God thru our love for each other. She has stopped going to church and I would like to ask God to let me help her return to him and then to me. In Jesus’s name amen.
(MALAYSIA) Dear Almighty Jesus, Thank you for your blessing in our life and please forgive our sin. Lord, Please save Jame’s family and marriage, fill his wife heart with love, patient and Kindness, open his wife heart to you Jesus, guide her to return to you, revive his wife’s love toward You Lord and revive her love towards James. Help both of them to overcome this difficulties in life. Dear Jesus, Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. We seek for your guidance and strength. Praise to Jesus, Amen.
(USA) Hello, July 1st I was told that she wanted a divorce, and didn’t know if she had talked about this to anyone. I would have hoped she had discussed this with more, and someone who has gone through this. I have nothing bad to say about Pamela, and will have love in my heart for her always. I am not writing this with hopes that you may say something to her either, but what has happened has a possibility of something similar happening in anyone’s life. Although I understand that menopause affects everyone differently, and at different ages. It is however, something that can be lived through without destroying a marriage. This is not about one of us being right, and the other being wrong. It is however, just a sad story of circumstances, and two people being victims.
The two of us enjoyed a spectacular 5 plus years together having so much fun at anything we did. In that time we never had any kind of a disagreement about anything, and never had an argument, or a raised voice. We were perfect together, and very happy. Pamela would be annoyed at me saying this, and she takes it as a personal assault, but I always prefaced the observation that it was making us both the victims, and just a fact of life. It is menopause, and it is hell.
Shortly after our marriage I began to notice in passing, that statements I had made to her, or conversations that we had were over looked or forgotten by her. There were things I told her that maybe a few days later I would bring up and find out that she either didn’t recall ever hearing it, or heard, and remembered it totally different. With some things it didn’t really matter, and I chalked it up to her just being distracted. But, some things could be very important in one way or another. It got to the point that I thought why even talk to her until this straightens out. It was very frustrating.
Since then I have read, researched, and understand that verbal communication can be just another abnormality to menopause. I have read a lot lately. I know that it can cause many emotional problems, and one is also the bickering, arguing that we have been going through, and poor judgment. I just should have refused to argue, but I didn’t, and it is causing this divorce. We didn’t scream, yell, abuse verbally, or become physical, but we just argued over mostly nothing, and many times just a difference of opinion. No reason for divorce, but just a stage. Nothing bad has happened, ever. I never really thought about the two of us ever divorcing, but would have thought that we could have always worked anything out that would have ever come up. We would have just grown old together, and loved, and cared for one another. I only wish I had not just reacted, but acted in love in response to our bickering.
The changes happen with hot flashes, and of course they are noticed and attributed to menopause, but the changes that happen from within can go unnoticed as foreign and can alter thinking and emotions. In our case definitely life changing.
A divorce is the last thing I want, and she knows that I would do absolutely anything to make this work. She just has her mind made up, and is being most stubborn, refusing to seek any kind of help, or guidance. That in itself isn’t the Pamela that I married. But, I have a better understanding now of just what this menopause can do to someone. When I bring up the menopause it just pushes her farther away. She refuses to take any type of hormone replacement due to the fear that they could promote cancer, so all we can do is understand this on our own.
Twice in the past 30 days she has told me that she changed her mind and was going to stop the proceedings, and twice now she has flip flopped back for no reason. Both times were after she considered messages that seem to be repeating themselves in sermons at Church, and pertaining so much to what is going on with us. Once it lasted only one day, and another lasted almost one week. I can’t bear the fact that she is so unhappy. I pride myself as to being able to fix most anything, and she calls me her MacGyver, but I have nothing to fix her, and that makes me feel terrible, and helpless. We haven’t had an argument since mid-June. If you were a fly on the wall here to see us talking, laughing, just being a couple, it would really make you wonder why.
Neither of us have any bad habits, but she does say that I can be a bit compulsive in my projects. If you were to walk around the house, inside and out, you would see how I spend all of my time. It is doing things to please her, and I love doing it.
I know that under normal circumstances that she would not take our commitment lightly, but there are severe changes happening to her that are out of control. I pray that she will stop this, and we can get through this season of marriage together. I love her dearly. Please… I have no one else to ask to please pray for us. With love, Gary
(USA) I am there with you. Please remain calm and loving. Turn to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and who knows what tomorrow may bring.
(AUSTRALIA) My wife and I married just last year. We got married because we really love each other. Now, I’m on permanent residency visa, and she’s under temporary partner visa, and our marriage went sour 2 months ago. She said that she doesn’t love me anymore, and I found out the real reason -that my wife is cheating on me. I confronted her and said that she’ll just go back to her country. I really love my wife, so I didn’t let her leave. We let her mom know about the problem and they had a talk, which made her realize that she made a big mistake and wants it fixed.
The problem we’re having right now is I want her to start showing me that she really meant what she said to fix the problem, but she’s not doing anything because she said she doesn’t know how to start, and she’s unsure if she still loves me or not, because if we break up, she needs to go back to her country, which she doesn’t want to happen. But she doesn’t want to move forward either because she doesn’t know if she still loves me or not. I’m in the process of waiting and hoping she’ll walk with me again in our relationship. What should I do at this time? I kept on praying to God for strength to handle this situation. I hope someone can give me advice on what to do at this moment, cause my problem is really dragging me down.
(USA) I am a wife with a hardened heart. I asked my husband to leave more than 3 months ago. I cried reading the page and all of the comments -it seemed like so many of you were speaking directly to me or telling my story for me. I would just like to ask that one of you say a prayer for me. I thank you.
(USA) Dear, Hard-hearted Wife, I’m the former husband -25 years -of an iron-hard wife, with three of our four children -all adults -with equally iron-hard hearts.
For all those years of growing tension and stress years or our marriage, my own life seemed to mirror that of my parents, whom I had abandoned in spirit at age 11. I left completely when 19, only to marry this awesome young lady at age 22, when I would far better have looked into my demon-possessed heart to rectify my un-called for parent-disrespect, and ultimately, disrespect for Him Who created me, and sustains my being.
Was my precious wife well-served to divorce? Absolutely NOT! But, her employer, the head preacher where she attended church by herself -I had long since given up hope to find an honest pastor -told me twice that he advised her to divorce me.
In less than a month, it will be 20 years to the day that she left. To me, it was yesterday. I remarried a fine, lovely, Believing woman, a divorcee also, and it’s been almost 18 years now, and she nearly divorced me in 2003. Now, she’s in invalid care, and we just don’t see each other, nor communicate.
“Life” is so impossible! I’m “damned if I do, and Damned if I don’t”! Or, so it seems. Lately, with retirement to lessen my mental load, the Lord is working with me to understand my childhood rebellion, and to see that when I failed to resolve it, I was truly “Damned” in every which way trying to be “Married.”
Of course, I do not know your husband, or you, or your issues, but, I do know our Creator, and I do know that childhood choices to be and react to those young experiences DO shape our entire living, and relationships. For you, and your husband, a soft, willing heart is thte most fertile ground where Creator can begin to plant His Own heart of compassion, His Living Reconciliation, and His Eternal Love that both of you desperately need most of all. I did NOT say “Easy” love. I did say Creator’s Love -it’s rally “Agape,'” a self-less, others’-centic Loving that literally forgives 70 times 7, and then does it starts over forgiving, just as He ALWAYS forgives, no matter the count.
BUT, and get this, Agape’ does not mean self-destruction! You have the awesome heart Creator gives you ladies, and us guys just drool over, because it is so sweet and ‘alive’! But, your natural love is easily hurt, hardened, and burnt to a crisp. I know; I learned the hard way.
I have two marvelous daughters whose love I burned and now I cannot dare hope to ever see them again.
Psychology is a secular human view of human mental issues, started by Adolph Hitler, and started in the U.S. by his head psychologist. NEVER, EVER trust ANY psychologist, or psychiatrist! But, seek a woman of the Living Word, who will pray with you, search the Hebrew Scripture with you, cry with you, and perform the ONLY true healing for your marriage humans can, with your Creator’s hand in both hers, and yours.
Your husband has no choice in what you do to heal your own life, and he sure has no control over how you pray for, cry for, stand in the gap for, and intercede for his own walk with Almighty Creator! I believe, as you closely follow what I share here, your love for, and then with your husband, will unite you two in matrimony the Angels will envy! Have you given this a fair, determined try, yet?
(USA) I feel like every day I have to bear criticism and unfeeling words from my dear wife. Like this evening, it was 5:00 and I was feeling happy and I was missing her. I was still at work so I texted her “missing you, gorgeous!” She replied, “well, come home then”. Maybe I’m extra sensitive but it kind of hurt. At supper time she had some Advil on the table and I playfully, I thought, stole them from her. Boy talk about a glare! If looks could kill…I got up and got some for myself. It’s not a big deal. I do love her and my principals keep me here. I’m committed to loving her, even when she’s unlovable. It’s the only way. So should I tell her when she hurts me? Whenever I say anything she just cries and says that she can never measure up to what I want. I guess I feel the same way, I don’t measure up to her either. So I just keep smiling and trying. I have a charge to keep. God has given me her and these children to shepherd, love and protect. It’s just that a guy needs appreciation sometimes.
The truth is, we just irritate her. The children drive her crazy. Usually she can hide it. I try to love her and show her that I do. She’s like, leave me alone. So I bury myself in a book. Then she says, “how do you expect me to talk to you if you’re always in a book?” sigh… Of course I haven’t been perfect either. I get very preoccupied with work and she feels like she had to raise the children by herself. I’ve also got into stuff, several times over the years as I’ve been frustrated, AND selfish. I’ve never slept with anyone else though. So she doesn’t fully trust me. So really, really… It’s my fault, isn’t it? Quality time, I think she likes that but I sit there and sit there and she’s quiet. She has already told me that I’m so open it drives her crazy. She said she just didn’t grow up that way. She just doesn’t feel the need. Physical touch isn’t her either. So many times I’ve reached out to her to touch her and she wants to be left alone. That hurts! How’s a guy supposed to know when it’s ok and when it’s not? Any ways, gifts. I’m gonna really lay it on here and get creative. And time. Even if we are silent. And I’m gonna really pray.
(USA) Dear Jerome… Of course I do not know you. However, by what you write, I do know your attitude -it stinks! You’re NOT your wife’s husband, I know, I did that same flippant crap for 25 years. Guess what Big “D” Divorce after that long feels like.
Jerome, get a life! Go to your precious wife, and utterly, totally, and to the face of Creator APOLOGIZE to her, in the most MAN-Like way you can imagine! Does she NOT deserve at LEAST this? YOU, yeah, YOU, hurt her sense of belonging -again. Get it? YOU ABANDONED her!
Now, get out YOUR STUDY Bible, and dig deeper than ever before for ALL the ways a HUSBAND has to BLESS his wife! NOW! Why are YOU still reading this? GO! But, I hope you do read this: P-R-A-Y like you’ve never, ever prayed before, that YOUR Creator will OPEN your Heart to your wife. She needs this far more than you do, or think she does. Now! Go!
(USA) Well, to be fair, Jerome… you are faced toward the right direction! I hope I was not too “Manly” is what I wrote! :-) Yes, Brother, I DO encourage you to dig into your own heart to where the bleeding feels like it will end your life -that’s where ‘Husband” the word, meets “Husband” the reality. We are ordered by Creator to literally die to self for our wives. I didn’t, and so wish I had, now she, and three of our four children are gone forever. We guys cannot take back the losses we cause our homes.
Be encouraged. Be gentle, kind, kingly, patient, forbearing, persistent, fair, practice, and learn Agape’, be firm and soft at the same time, focus like your life depends on it -it does -on your home and marriage, stay kneeling before Creator, seeking His moment-by-moment insight into your heart -that heart character -it’s EVIL! -and FOGIVE so many times it becomes AUTOMATIC! Brother, Love ya…
(USA) I am in a situation as most men here are, I have hurt my wife badly emotionally to the point of a harden heart. I have made steps in the right directions to fix the problems that I had. I had struggle in the past about GOD, but I have started to rekindle my faith with GOD. I have heard everything that my wife has said to me. I have come realize just like a lot of different guys here that it seems too late. But I am hoping and praying for whatever purpose GOD has for marriage.
(USA) Try to reflect on all you’ve done, said and thought of her all these years, chipping away at her soul. Then it should make perefect sense.
(USA) My wife left me with the children a month ago. I basically drove her away with all my anger and meaness to her and now she has such a hardened heart that I think I lost her forever. All the anger and issues had nothing to do with her. The whole time it was a release of my stress and anxiety and instead of dealing with it the right way I was a mean and cold to her. It only got me a minute of disillusioned happiness for what? What it did was tear down the one person that loved me so much.
I’m lost without her. I miss her so much that I feel like I’m losing my mind. I feel I have begun to change in my heart and mind to try and be a better man, husband and father but she doesn’t want any part of it and only returns to bringing up the past and not allowing us to move forward. We know it was both of us for a long time that caused this. I stand committed to changing but I don’t know what to do. I’m lost and need guidance. Please keep my in your prayers so that the lines of communication open up and I can get a chance to love her the right way.
(UNITED STATES) I had hardened my heart against my husband. We have been married for almost 20 yrs, he has cheated on me probably from day one. He was diagnosed as a sex addict, and it seemed to help while he went for counseling. But he could never tell me the truth even when I caught another women in the car with him. He said that the only thing he had ever done was gotten oral sex from other men, because he had been sexually abused as a child. But he tells family and friends that he can’t do anything without me checking up on him, when, in reality, he might take off at 3:30 pm, just before I get home from work…no note, no phone call, won’t answer if I call, and come home at 11:30 pm. How many men disappear for 8 hrs not letting their wives know where they are? He used to be gone 3 or 4 nights a week-going to ‘talk’ to his brother or sister who live a few miles away from us. Came home once with his ring in the console of the car at 4:30 am, gave me an STD, saying he first got off a cloth chair, then the toilet seat.
Anyway, I was so tired of being hurt and crying, we no longer had intimate relations. It has been 5 years. But now he says he wants a divorce. I am sure he is seeing someone else (all kinds of signs) but, of course, he insists no, and now, I decided I still love him and want to work it out, but he says no. I’m sure part of it is probably because I am no longer able to support myself. I have a low-paying job that I keep getting laid off from, I’m close to retirement age and have been applying for but cannot find another job. I was financially secure before I married him–my house paid for, savings account, no bills but electric, phone and water. When I met him, he had nothing, was in debt $6,000, talked me into selling my house, buying a different one, twice. He had to buy new vehicles constantly, now we owe over $100,000 on this house. I am driving the car he talked me into buying 20 yrs ago, and we’ll end up with next-to-nothing if we divorce. Of course, he will still end up with more than he started with. Sorry, I am rambling….just have not been able to talk to many people about this. But please pray for me. I would rather put up with his cheating than go through another divorce. This is a second marriage for both of us.
(CANADA) My wife has just left me. I knew something was wrong months ago and continually kept asking for her to talk to me, and was fluffed off. Well, out of the blue she said she was separating 2 months ago. I prayed to God daily that she would not leave. Some days I thought she wouldn’t. It was like a rollar coaster for me. I became suicidal, nasty.
Short story she left 4 days ago and I have been praying to God every minute of the day and night. I get very little sleep, cause I have to get up and pray. I can’t eat, lost pretty close to 20lbs in two months. I read Psalm 88 over and over again. I love this woman more than anything on this earth. I have tried to get her to go to counseling, but she refuses. I dont think that the issues that I am aware of were insurmountable. She won’t return my phone calls, or emails. Does anyone out have any ideas? I am exhausted. Please pray to the Grand Architect Of The Universe, and his son Jesus Christ, for both of us.
(USA) Dave, I don’t have to imagine what you are going through -I have lived it… My husband left home exactly 9 months ago. It was very hard at the beginning and I cried out to God and asked that He bring my husband back home. I cried over what I could have done differently to make him stay. I cried for him. Like you my soul was full of troubles. For the 9 months and two months before that, we have not talked. He won’t respond to my phone calls, emails or text messages. I was exhausted all the time, lost sleep, work productivity suffered -the whole nine yards…
Your post has prompted me to read Psalm 88 but I kept reading on to Psalm 89 and therein David stops lamenting and starts exalting instead. That’s what I started doing 6 months ago and it has totally changed my perspective. I love my husband and will keep loving him until the day he chooses otherwise -we are still legally married and he keeps talking about moving on but hasn’t filed for a divorce.
I have learned to totally depend on God and this has brought me closer to Him (God) more than I have EVER been. I am not saying that it is going to be easy. There are days even now that I feel a deep sadness for what I’m going through but I have reached a place where I am not letting it take my “shine” away.
It is my prayer that your wife will come to her senses and come back home. Above all, please pray that God would teach you to love with His kind of love; to see people, your wife included, through His eyes. Pray that His will be done and that He give you the strength and wisdom to walk this journey. I will pray for you and your wife that God may reveal His perfect plan for the both of you. Shalom.
(UNITED STATES) Be still and know that I am God, is what He is saying to you. Pray that she will return, then trust and believe that she will. In the meantime, ask God to renew a right spirit within you.
(MALAWI) I really am surprised at all the men that say they love their wives and want them back… how I wish my hubby would say the same about me! He hasnt left me but he just doesn’t love me :(
(SOUTH AFRICA) I just happened to stumble upon this article on this website and somehow it seems to be describing me to the tee “a wife with a hardened heart”. I got married almost 4 years ago, to a wonderful man who became a father to my 2 kids from a previous relationship. When I met him I had a fully furnished house, was raising my two lovely children and staying with and supporting my mother.The sad part is that he has done so much, which has led to my heart being hardened, he doesn’t even realise this. If he does, he certainly isn’t concerned about doing anything about it.
I first discovered by accident after we were married that his late fiance had actually died of HIV and not TB as he had kept telling me when I asked him. He had been sexually involved with this person before we got married. He asked for forgiveness, I forgave him, loved him even more. We lost our home (sense of security for our family) due to his non performance at work. He was fired, which put an extra strain on me financially to support the family.
He confessed later to being addicted to porn. He would watch this porn whilst I was out breaking my back for our family trying to make ends meet. He would spend the whole day indulging in our bedroom and sometimes whilst I am asleep in the very same room. The day he confessed that to me, a piece of me died, I couldn’t help feeling inferior, less than a woman, less than a wife. Again, he asked for forgiveness, I forgave him and loved him even more for trusting me with such a confession.
He found a job but lo and behold was fired again for lack of performance. This put more financial strain on me again. We were chased out of the house we were renting… there’s a lot more, but because of the aforementioned and other more, my heart has gradually hardened towards him and he just doesn’t seem to get it. The other day he accused me of only loving him when he’s got money… when I’ve been the one supporting him for the most part of our married life. If it were not for my kids who love him to bits and my fear of God, I would’ve left this man a long time ago. I mean left him physically because I left him emotionally a long time ago… and again, he doesn’t even notice.
(USA) After reading this article I can relate to Spirit being closed and my heart hardened. I realize that I was so hurt and felt so alone in my life and marriage that I sought out to fill my emptiness on the Internet and not a healthy site as this one is. I had multiple affairs to fill my empty spirit instead of filling it with God. Huge mistake.
I told my husband over the years that what he was doing and how he was living his life was hurting me. I was never enough. He drank a lot and often. Our home was and always had been the great “party house”. I would not drink, we had 3 kids that needed an adult to take care of them. I was told I was boring and I never wanted to do anything. I had always been a very devoted supportive wife. Even though I always made sure he was happy, I wasn’t for a long time. He was a bindge alcoholic and suffered from depression and now has been diagnosed bipolar. Lots to deal with.
He discovered my infidelity in November and again in January. This all has brought me to God. My path has changed. I walk and look to God all day! He on the other hand, has become very verbally abusive, not drinking but is handling that on his own. 3 therapists and a pastor he has walked out on, does not want to look in the mirror. I endure a lot of name calling and all my privacy is gone. I have done all that I can do to mend our marriage. He claims to have faith in God, he says God is telling him to divorce me. Pastor says he has never dealt with anyone like my husband before. I have faith in God, not in my marriage or husband. Thanks for listening.