“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”
“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”
“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”
Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.
They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.
Good Starting Point for Reconciling
But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.
You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.
That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”
The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:
“Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.
I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.
I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.
Start With Prayer
Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:
“Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Next:
There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.
Closed Spirit
A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.
And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.
He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.
In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
He wrote:
Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:
• Speak harsh words.
• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.
• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Take her for granted.
• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.
• Show that you do not trust her.
• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.
• Act rude to her in front of others.
• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.
Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.
We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.
And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!
If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”
Gary goes on to then state the following:
“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”
I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.
I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.
Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:
“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.
“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”
I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.
True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.
A Helpful Article on Reconciling
I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.
All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the Familyministries.com link to this article.
Please read:
• RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE
Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.
Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.
Live For God
I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?
If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.
I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage
I am in the same situation. My wife of 20 years has hardened her heart. Neither of us has had affairs or use alcohol but life has taken a toll on our marriage. We have two boys; the youngest is 6 and our other son is special needs.
I began to notice after our youngest son was born that she was so preoccupied with the kids she would have nothing to do with me physically or emotionally. I thought it was just the ages they were and the stress of being at home all day was draining her. We got into a rut and our marriage was neglected. She went back to work about a month ago part-time and she got so consumed with work that I became very frustrated as well as with the company that I worked for was collapsing and layoffs were a quarterly event. I became consumed about finding a better job and did land one.
In the meantime she grew colder and more distant. Things blew up about a month ago and although I realize that I had neglected her needs she will not forgive me and says it’s too late. Although I have apologized over and over it has no effect. She doesn’t want to rebuild our marriage and says she wants to do what’s best for the kids. I have told her over and over that the best thing we could do for our kids is work on our marriage but nothing seems to phase her. We are both Christians but she now has no interest in going to church and says she can’t be phony and that I am a hypocrite.
I have asked her to go to counseling but she is not interested and has more interest in her work and friends that our marriage. I have told her that I want to reconcile and make a fresh start but she is more interested in how happy she would be by having her freedom. I thought there might be someone else but I don’t think so she has just shut down. I am ready to give up. I have offered to take her out on dates and she wants nothing to do with me. I am so tired of having the door shut in my face and am ready to give up.
I just can’t believe that after 20 years of marriage that there is nothing in her heart for me. I even asked her that and told her that I still love her and feel strongly for her but she is so hardened nothing I say means anything. I’m praying that God will humble her and soften her heart but I am very disillusioned because I know that deep down this is not right and I want to please God. I know that I am not perfect but I have told her that and that I would like to try and rebuild our marriage not dismantle it. I’m going to try and be patient but it is hard when you want to do the right thing and your spouse is not interested. Please pray for reconciliation. I don’t want to see my marriage fail or be separated from my two boy who I love dearly.
I hear you buddy. 8 kids here. Same situation. We are at least in counseling however. She keeps saying I’ve not been supportive of her, even though we are raising 8 kids together and she gets to stay at home. The disconnect is absolutely stupefying. How it got to this point still boggles my mind. My wife has also stopped attending church. I’m seeing a pastor regularly for help. She’s not willing to go most of the time because she’s uncomfortable I think submitting to her husband, and also to church authority. (Now we know how Christ must feel about us and his bride huh?)
Anyway, the thing I have found most helpful is prayer. Something always amazing happens. A friend will call or text her out of the blue and try and speak truth to her, but so far, she is resisting hearing anyone except her need to be free of our burdensome relationship. Even her own mother is trying to help her, and she won’t budge. She is also living with a deep hurt from her childhood that I think contributes to trust issues. Stay strong brother.
So I was married to my kids father for 7 years divorced got back together a year later. That lasted for about 4 years. We finally parted ways in July of 05. One month later I met what I thought was my forever husband. My ex was an alcoholic and felt E-Harmondy didn’t affect our relationship. My dream guy swept me off my feet and 3 months later we got married. I had my Christian husband and he was amazing with my kids. He was always raised very old fashion with older parents. I appreciated his values and ethics to work hard to provide. He worked daily to provide for our home as well as his mother and fathers home.
The company business was always his dads in some sorts but my husband was the laborer for the company. His parents had the company along with all financial anythings to do with the company in my husbands name. I was never asked to be a part of the company and never asked him to be, really not anything I could have done anyways.
Anyways, his mother has always had snide remarks to say here and there and had caused issues not letting go with my husbands brothers two ex wives. When we first got married my husband had an aren across ministry that I loved being a part of. My husband is very passive and was always a go with the flow kind of person. Long story short 3 years into this he had a friend that wanted to be a part of it so he told my husband that the only way it would work is if their wives were not involved. I was crushed because I had always been involved and his wife wasn’t so my husband is the one that was missing out on his wife but never would speak of it. He went with the flow and I did not let it go lightly. I was extremely hurt as if he was chosing this guy over me. This is how I felt and even though he understood my feelings basically told me to get on board or get out because this was his calling to ministry and he was doing God’s work.
You see a lot of kids ride on weekends and my husband had a minister that would hold a little church service on the Sundays we had an event and we would have kids come to know Jesus. AMEN right. Me not liking his new decision in partners caused a couple of years of issues. One day when I realized get on board or lose your husband I started going to the events and realized it wasn’t that bad being in the stands versus being involved and I enjoyed watching my husband do something he loved. That brought me joy and shame at the same time for losing out on a couple of years of shared joy with him. He ended up selling the arena cross to his partner. I never understood why and even told him not to because hey, I was finally on board. He said it just wasn’t the same because I had caused him so much hurt with it. I didn’t understand. I was on board isn’t this what he wanted? I genuinely enjoyed it and even apologized for not being happy from the beginning with his decision.
Well last summer we sold some land and Nov 1 we moved into what we both felt was our dream home for life. Talked about growing old on the porch together in our rocking chairs. At this point I only have my daughter still at home the son has moved out and become a man… (these are his step kids but he loved them as his own).
Well Jan 11, 2013 he came home asking me if I had said this and that about his mother and I didn’t. His brothers new wife and I didn’t get along well and she told him I had said some pretty awful things. That night he told me he was leaving and wanted a divorce. He told me I wasn’t a godly woman and that I didn’t have the fruit of the spirit showing. He told me that he had prayed and prayed for months for God to open up my heart… it had hardened and I realize this now. I begged cried and pleaded. He came back later that night and asked what we needed to do to fix it. I said we had to make sure God was our center for everything. We went to sleep; everything was fine.
He got up went to his dads and moms comes back and told me it wasn’t going to work out and he wanted a divorce. He told me that he has prayed and God told him this is what he should do. I died right there. He believed my sister in law and on Jan 13, 2013 he left out new home, me, my daughter, and our life. That week he went and retained a lawyer. I have prayed and prayed. We still are not divorced and went to court on may 29. What is taking this judge so long to sign the papers? I feel God is truly at work and I have told my husband that I will continue to pray. He told me a month ago that he wasn’t 100% sure about not reconciling and then a week later tells me we will never get back together. Those are harsh words.
I would like some scripture that would maybe speak to him and some scripture that can help me to get past this. I know I have to give it up to God and I am really trying. It is just so hard sometimes when I love him so much but am not getting it back. HELP>> I know there is power in prayer so please keep me on your prayer list.
I really don’t know where to begin. 2.5 years earlier my wife started working a 3 to midnight shift that I didn’t agree with. However, I helped her out as much as I could even though the job effectively meant we didn’t see each other 5 days a week. For a while I tried staying up at night to see her but it was having an impact on me to not get enough sleep. The job itself is what I would call a meat market, with people constantly flirting with one another. My wife seemed to have gained a “social life” from the job, as most the people there were friends and knew each other outside of work.
I finally got a much better job a few minutes from home and was able to see her at lunch time. I asked her if she would quit the job now that I made more money but she wasn’t interested. We slowly drifted apart and tried to repair it once again due to the job. Finally by late last year she seemed disinterested in married life and I was the one watching our child at nights, taking him to preschool and picking him up from preschool the 2 days a week he went. I was doing all the cooking, the housework as well as the yard work.
In February of this year I was suspicious of her and by late April I had realized that something was up. I approached her about it and I knew she was lying. I was under the impression that she had gone on some dates. She called the police on me and put a restraining order on me. The restraining order was lifted a few weeks later in favor of restraints where we agreed not to talk. I’m still not in my house but I’m paying all home expenses. I see my son every other day. Her mother has come to live with her in the meantime and seems very comfortable. I haven’t said a word to my wife in 3 months.
I pray most nights but some I don’t. She has made statements that this is only temporary and she doesn’t want a divorce, but what kind of marriage is it when the 2 people don’t talk to one another and have a 5 year old child? I don’t know what to do. Our church offered counseling immediately and she rejected it. I’m in week 5 of anger management. What do I do?
I have a ?. Why is it the wife that has shut the man out? Is it because of the years of mental and physical abuse, that she is supposed to put up with, then 15 years later, she develops osteoporosis because of the ankle break when he threw her down the stairs? (Of course that was her fault, if she would only listen.)
What we have here is a generation of men that do not know, and are afraid to know where their place in the marriage. Sure if you read the Bible the woman is a home maker, but we all changed the rules on that, and 84% of woman are working p/t or full time, and the husband still expects dinner on the table, and the wife takes care of the kids, and has not time for herself. If this doesn’t sound familiar, it happens because it was my marriage. Then my husband left me, because let us be honest, how many women can do that much work, while their husband’s are out playing soccer, watching basketball. I want to say though in 2013, I commend all and I mean ALL of the men that have taken their place in the home and taken great responsibility towards the new world that we live in.
I am married again, and honestly, if you are married to a man that won’t say he loves you, and won’t have a heart to heart talk about finances, and will not under any circumstances say he is wrong, you have two choices, stay in the prison without walls. Or move on. Men grew up most did and are very controlling and bullies. I am sorry for the great guys out there, but that is the majority. If you are not in the majority, then congratulations, and keep doing what you are doing. I am 54, and right in the age bracket, where men really want to control. I see it all the time, Christian, non christian, and honestly, Christian men are the worst. But beyond that, what we all need to do is one thing, LOVE OURSELVES. If we love ourselves, this world will be much more peaceful!
It may be things like you write in a minority of cases. But looking at what has been written on the topic, most husbands are shut out simply because she no longer judges his efforts to be adequate.
Sorry, but the majority of these cases do NOT involve men as you describe. They involve men who may be clueless, but not men who set out to abuse their wives. After all, why would these men be trying to reconcile with their wives if they didn’t love them? Totally illogical for a man to try to win back the heart of an unfaithful wife who has shut him out if he doesn’t love her.
My wife of 20 years has hardened her heart and it’s my fault. She left me almost 11 months ago. I have not been the husband and father that God intended for me to be. I have mistreated her on more than one occasion. For this I have repented and God has dramatically changed me. I am currently in counseling and hope one day she will join me. She was a stay at home mom and I’ve been the bread winner.
She recently went back and finished her Associates degree and she went to work about a year and a half ago. She became so consumed with work and school and I was very frustrated with the company that I work for. In the meantime she grew colder and more distant. Things blew up 11 months ago and we had a terrible fight in which I made several threats. I have neglected her needs; she will not forgive me and says it’s too late. I have prayed for forgiveness and know that God has granted this.
Although I have apologized it has no effect. She doesn’t want to rebuild our marriage. I have told her that the best thing we could do to glorify God and for the sake of our kids is work on our marriage but she’s not on board with it. We are both Christians but don’t even attend the same church anymore. I have repeatedly asked her to go to counseling but she is not interested. I have told her that I want to reconcile and make a fresh start but she keeps saying divorce.
I just can’t believe that after 20 years of marriage that there is nothing in her heart for me. I told her that I still love her and feel strongly for her but she is so hardened nothing I say means anything. I’m praying that God will humble her and soften her heart to me because I know that deep down God hates divorce. I have told her that and that I would like to try and rebuild our marriage. I’m going to be patient with her and ask for your prayers. Please pray for reconciliation. I don’t want to see my marriage fail or be separated from my wife and two girls who I love dearly. Please pray for us.
Wayne, I am right there with you in this. 30 years of marriage, and for 16 I have been the sole bread winner & my wife stayed home & taught our children while obtaining her Masters Degree. She is a very bright woman. I also have driven my wife away without intent. She is a great woman & I failed at my role as the husband. I have been gone too much working & when I was there I did not meet her need of feeling of needed, loved, appreciated along with others. The Lord has also changed me & my attitude. I love my wife, I think more than ever, but she is seeking a divorce. I will pray for you at this moment. Remember, God is the God of second chances & nothing is impossible with Him.
I have to say that I am the wife with the hardened heart. Although I wouldn’t have stated it that way. This article has put to words EXACTLY my feelings. I have been married just over 17 years with 3 daughters. I have tried (in vain) to hold onto my marriage throughout these years. I had asked to do marriage counseling, to which he responded…”Why? I’m happy.” 5 years ago I bought the book Love Dare with 2 workbooks for my husband and I. I asked him to please do it with me… and his response… he didn’t have the time.
He took the book and workbooks and donated them to the church. 3 years ago, we had a huge fight, where he said he had no regrets as a husband or as a father. When I explained that I didn’t feel loved or appreciated, he told me that he loved me as much as he was capable of. Beyond that, I was too needy. He told me that I would need to divorce HIM because he wanted to be unblemished, biblically. I told him I wasn’t ready to financially separate from him and that we would need to just co-exist for the time being.
After years of subtle, mental and emotional abuse, I told my husband I was finished and wanted a divorce. When I said finished, I meant ABSOLUTELY finished, at the end of my rope. This article says drowning/suffocating. I TOTALLY felt that way. I wasn’t saying that I was finished to “shake him up.” I was sincerely done trying. I’m a Christian. I stayed for many, many years because I didn’t want to disappoint my church friends and family or God, but leaving is now the ONLY option for me to survive.
My husband has “changed” to everyone around us. He seems so contrite and repentant in front of the children, telling me how much he loves me and wants to preserve our family. But he continues to badger me, harass me and shake the Bible at me. He vacillates between begging me to stay with him and to reconcile with him, to using guilt to try and make me stay. In the mean time, he hired the most vicious attorney in town, emptied out all our bank accounts and told me that he would “destroy me”.
Really, he needs to write a book… he did nothing but push me further and further away. AND when I try and explain that, he justifies ALL his behaviors, because I am his wife, his possession. He denies all wrong doing within our marriage, with the exception of “Not loving me the way I need to be loved.”
I have come to the conclusion that if I need to stay in this marriage to be a Christian… then I don’t want to be a Christian. I was saved as a 4 year old little girl and Christ has been the center of my life and I’ve tried to live every day to bring honor to him. I cannot believe that HE expects me to stay in this relationship… I’m a shell of the person I used to be.
Asking him for a divorce was the hardest thing I have done in my life, but going back is NOT an option. God forgive me…
So how does this help a man who genuinely wants to reconcile with his wife who has hardened her heart against him?
It shows us how NOT to respond to our wives.
just revisiting this site to help a friend in need. I was trying to show you what NOT to do. I printed this article and shared it with my husband and tried (in vain) to explain how he made me feel and why I was not comfortable giving him another chance.
Fast forward 2 years…he met another woman on Christianmingle.com exactly 7 days after our divorce. He has disowned 2 of our 3 daughters and has not honored the court ordered child custody agreement and settlement. He STILL attends church every Sunday. He is a pharisee…somehow blind to his own shortcomings. My decision was 100% right for my situation.
If you are a man looking to salvage a marriage…I pray it isn’t too late. Men need to put the work into their marriages before it is too late. Don’t put it off…
My wife has hardened her heart to me due to infidelity. I truly thought she didn’t love me anymore but I know that is no excuse. I swear it kills me to see her hurt so. We are still in the same home with our 2 kids and share a bed on the weekend when I am home but I see her pulling away and understandably so. After reading this I better understand what I have truly done over the years to break her and I fear that I am not worthy to win back her affections. As a Christian should I let her go in hopes that she find a better man than I have been? She has been saying we are seperated for a month but life is just the same other than her removing her ring. She still even brings me dinner. I love her more than I love myself and feel so low –any guidance would be appreciated.
One thing I have learned, as I am coming upon my “date in court” – a hardened heart comes from Satan and is rooted in unforgiveness. In marriage, we have to answer to God for how we’ve treated out spouse, and when one sins in marriage, they owe God repentance, and the other spouse owes God forgiveness.
I think that is the key to Jesus whole “Ministry of Reconciliation.” Christianity is based on repentance, forgiveness, reconciliation.
When we sin against others, it is obvious to us that we need to repent (not just be sorry) and seek forgiveness. But, when you are sinned upon, Jesus asks you to ‘turn the other cheek’ and ‘forgive, or your sins won’t be forgiven’.
From what my marriage has gone through and the others that are breaking down around me – all of it seems to be rooted in the wife not wanting to reconcile due to hardness of heart… and unforgiveness. Guess what else has happened? All those around me that have a hardened heart are also backsliding in their faith.
There is no coincidence. Satan comes to destroy. I went from being frustrated with my wife to feeling sorry for her.
I have closed my wife spirit and have tried everything to open it up again. At times it seems she is willing but then she shuts down again and starts telling me all the things I did to her and asks me who am I to point things out to her. I try hard not to point anything out but sometimes she does things, I never did and uses what I did to her as an excuse for her actions. The reason why I point out things to her, is that she does what I did to her, use foul language, yell at her, criticize her, disrespect her; does all that plus more and always brings back that I’m not the one to ask her not to do those things as I drove her to them.
I have had several relationships, which were just like the one I am having. I decided to get divorced and move on. Now I really don’t want to do it. I really want to work it out. I talk to her, and calm her down. I explain to her that I am sorry and for what I did and it’s not that I’m fighting back. It’s just that she is, because of what I did to her, doing the same things and more and that it doesn’t help but ruin the relationship we supposedly have. I am sticking around but sometimes I do feel like walking out and leave it all behind.
I do love her and I understand her point. She promised me she won’t do the same things again but she does them all over and she never accepts any responsibility for her actions. I know I sound like I’m complaining but all I hope is that some day she will, for her own good, whether it is with me or not, understand that these actions just hurt a relationship in general and hurt her more than hurt me. I really want her to feel happy, whatever her definition of happiness is.
Again I will stick around because I love her. This is not a cry for help but just a way to vent as I’m a human being and I have nobody to talk to but the supreme being to make me feel happy with the life he has lead me to live. I’m not looking for any sympathetic words, it’s just that this is what I’m going thru and am committed to continue living no matter what. I just want my wife to be as happy as she can be given all the circumstances of her life.
I’m glad that she came into my life and helped me change. All I want now is to give that back to her, help her find herself. Again I am human and sometimes I get angry, discouraged, disappointed but when the crap hits the fan I find myself calm and start thinking that it’s just a reflection of who I was. I think that I did bad things to her but she brings them to a different level and then I realize that she has helped me SEE those things I never saw before. I pray one day she sees those things, FOR HER OWN GOOD NOT MINE and feels the way I feel because I love her and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to see her in peace with herself. I hope this doesn’t offend anybody as it isn’t my intend, just a comment.
I am a lost hope. I messed up for 8 years, not trusting my girlfriend and now that we have 3 kids. They’ve seen all I’ve done to their mom by to harsh of words, belittling, and arguing. She left me finally in February 2014 and left to go to her mom’s with my kids. I’ve done a lot of wrong things since the breakup by texting rude and profane comments to her and watching and stalking her, because I loved her and want to work this out.
But, after her separated affair she made love intimately with two guys, and has been going out on dates and moving on with her life. I recently in May forgave her for her faults but what she keeps telling me is she is not wrong or apologizing for what she did because what she did was separated from me. So she can see and have sex with whoever she wants. I’m so confused because I thought if you still love someone you would not do this. So I’m asking for advice on what I need to do at this point. I want to be a family again and marry her and live happily ever after, but she isn’t willing to make any changes in herself because she say it’s me that needs to change. Please help me.
Hello. I am Selwin from India. My wife has forsaken every limit of rebuking and disrespecting me to the heights. Just for the reason that I went out more for God’s work, which later I was ready to change, but now she is telling me the thing, which I am unable to do.
I have left my job and career for the sake of the call of missions work, which God gave me last year before I could actually step into the mission field. My wife left me saying she is no more a missionary with me. She wants to work in the secular field. I can’t leave my call.
I have to stay alone and do ministry wherever the Lord leads me. But I have decided not to stay with her while she is doing a job that I cannot do as missionary in a distant mission field, as my mission board of Indian Evangelical Mission sends me… But now they also cannot send me unless I am with my wife…
I am stuck like I never have been in my life. Please I need your team to pray for me. The Fireproof film gave me many learnings. I am ready to reconcile but not at the cost of my calling… She is telling me to minister in the city area, which is not my call.
Selwin, It’s great that you want to be engaged in God’s work, but when you married, your first ministry became to your wife, as mine did to my wife. That’s what you can read about in 1 Corinthians 7. Please read it carefully… as an evangelist of the Gospel, you need to pay attention to what God tells us there.
If you wanted to have the freedom to minister without considering the needs of taking care of a wife, you shouldn’t have married. That’s why the Apostle Paul warned those who marry that they need to realize that they “will face many troubles in this life.” And one of those “troubles” is that you take on a different calling when you marry. You don’t have the same freedom you can have otherwise. But because you DID marry, your calling changed the moment you said the vow “I do” to your wife and to God.
From that day forward, you must then step up and be the man of God and the marriage partner you vowed to be. It’s not that you can’t minister, but your marriage relationship should not fall victim to ministering to others because of it. You have to consider your wife and her perceived needs first.
Also, what do you do with the word of God that says, “If anyone does not provide for his relatives and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8)? And what about Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3, which talks about your taking care of your wife as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her?
There is so much more than this in the Bible that I could point out because the Bible talks compares marriage as a covenant relationship where the husband is compared to the Bridegroom (Christ) and His bride, the church, is compared to the wife. It’s a living picture for the world to witness, as to how the husband is to take care of his wife. The question is, as others see how you take care of your wife, do they see her being well cared for, or neglected? And if she’s neglected, what picture does this paint in their minds as to how Christ will care for them?
Selwin, I encourage you to go into the Topic, “Pastors and Spouses” on this web site and read the articles you feel led to read. One that I especially encourage you to read is titled, “The Ministry of Marriage for the Pastor.” It will point out a lot of things you need to consider –that every husband (including me) needs to realize so we adjust our lives accordingly so God is glorified. Neglecting your wife does not glorify God. Please know that.
Thank you Steve Wright. I’m currently trying to save my marriage as my wife feels that she should never have gotten married. She feels that the Lord didn’t want her to and that a divorce is the only way to fix things. Your words are encouraging to me. I am being as still as I can as I pray for the Lord to restore our marriage. God bless you!
Thank you for sharing this. I am a wife who has gottened hardened by my own sin of disobedience and rebellion. I had it in my heart since before we were to be married, that we were supposed to be in full time ministry. The Lord did open that door for us a couple of times, but I had held onto it – wanting it so much more than to serve my husband. My husband had always been supportive of my desires. He had an emotional affair which yanked me in all different directions. In my heart, I blamed him for everything. I didn’t really love him. (I thought I heard God tell me I was going to marry him, but entered marriage doubting. It created havoc in my heart…and for him, b/c I could never fully gave him my heart, and I was angry with him all the time.)
It has been many years since his emotional affair, but things have not gotten to anything really good because of my anger. Your comment is good because you hit the nail in the head perfectly. We are no longer a “me” but a “we” once we say I do. I fought that. God was still gracious to me through out all our years of marriage. I came to expect my husband to continue to support me in what I wanted to do. Getting a paradigm shift is not easy. It takes time and a lot if hard work. Perhaps that is why the only way to a change is through brokenness.
I have learned a lot out of necessity. I am finding that God us patient and faithful. I desire a soft and fully broken heart. I have a great deal of accumulated hurt from not feeling loved by my husband for all these years, but I must rest in the truth of God’s word…that He loves and forgives me, and He is for me. My sins are not too great to be forgiven (although I cried countless tears feeling like I couldn’t be forgiven.)
Thank you again, for writing boldly. I would appreciate prayers. God bless you.
I pray for reconciliation with my spouse who walked out on me. I have hurt her so bad and have realized that I never really met her need when she needed me. She has hardened her heart towards me. I now am praying that the lord will touch her heart and bring her back to him, and to also soften her heart towards me. I really love her and would like her to return home. She wants to return home because she misses the kids ages 29, 28, 18, 13 & 10, but she wants me to move out of the house because she does not think I can tolerate her wanting to be single and going out with whom she would like.
I have prayed for her to return home to the kids, and that I would move out. The Lord has answered this prayer and I’ve made the decision after praying and counseling with my pastor that I’ll move out so that I can show her that I’m willing to make her first –that I am not that person I was before. I ask for prayers from all, that the Lord our God would continue to change me –to put God first before anyone. I also ask for prayers for reconciliation of my marriage.
Angelo, I have seen your post, and brother it hurts me to know that you are going through what you are. Your situation and mine sound similar in some ways, and I just wanted you to know that I am of the opinion that whatsoever you need in your own life if you pray for it for someone else when their need is similar or the same, you will get what you pray for, for yourself. I hope I am not wrong about that.
I believe that God answers when two or more on earth agree as touching any one thing. I am praying for you now as I write this and will some more.You have said some of the same things that I have said, I must change, and be the change I want to see in her. When she sees it in me first, there is a strong chance she will soften her heart toward me and get on board where working to save the marriage is concerned. I pray for reconciliation to come by way of God’s explicit intervention. May you find the strength and stability you need at a time like this. A brother in the Lord, Ed
Ed from United States says:
July 11, 2014 at 4:36 am
January 25th of this year, My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. They performed a lumpectomy, removed twenty five or more lymph nodes, but say they have gotten it all. For that I’m ecstatic, as I know she is. Immediately thereafter however, she began to talk of divorce. It was bad enough that I was still reeling from the whole cancer thing, much less to hear these other tragic words! I can’t honestly tell you that I’ve stopped spinning yet. I’m at a total loss. I knew that we were anything but the perfect match, she’s country, I’m city.
We dated roughly 10 years off and on before getting serious. It’s now been 14 years of marriage. Eleven years ago we became the caregivers of her elderly cousin whom she barely knew, and of course I didn’t know at all. This had a dramatic influence over our personal finances as she offered us the old farm homestead directly across from her place, rent free and ours to live in for the rest of our lives, etc..
I told my wife it was a bird nest on the ground, though it needed remodeling badly. As an integral part of her original offer, her cousin said she would pay me to remodel it and pay for everything. And that, by the way, was my profession for 39 plus years. What was not discussed was that I too was going to be saddled with the duties of mowing the seven acres, tree trimming weed eating, turning over the rather sizable garden, seeing to it that it was weeded, watered, and harvested, etc. It took so much time away from my remodel work that that is now not done, even after 11 Years.
I’m pulling my hair out, and my wife is citing this fact along with various other disappointments, as resentments, which have built up over the years and are now factoring in where her desire for divorce is concerned. Plus the fact that cancer, chemo, etc. have all put her in touch with her own mortality, and what’s really important in life. I concur wholeheartedly with the things she says are suddenly now important to her; I always have. I’ve been aware of those things for years, and I just can’t see her argument that these are reasons for making me the scapegoat for all of her life’s unhappiness, and or disappointments.
We all have them. I could go on and on about the disappointments I too have had for the past 14 years. But I never saw that as a reason to throw in the towel. Marital problems should be worked through, and talked about. Communication is tantamount to success. And one of the very first things I did when we first considered marriage, was to go to her and stress that she could always come to me about anything, talk to me, and I would never make her feel ridiculed, foolish, or unsafe to do so. I feel she shot herself in the foot when she didn’t, and is now laying all of this on me. I’m not sure I have the constitutional, or spiritual strength to continue the fight to save my marriage. I feel as though I have indeed been thrown under the bus. I don’t understand her thinking. I need your prayers because I realize that I can’t do this alone! And I’m not sure anymore that I even have it in me to want to, even though I know it’s the right thing to do! Help!, is all I can say, I don’t know what else there is to say, just HELP! I will be thanking you in advance. Please Reply.
Ed, I can see why you feel like you have been “thrown under the bus” so to speak. I can also see why you’re confused… who wouldn’t be, given all you’ve been through together and now with these recent actions on her part? After having been through so much together, you’d think it would draw you closer together, rather than farther apart. But sadly, that’s not what often happens. Life-changing events often turn marriage “partners” against each other, if they both aren’t very intentional in finding ways to draw closer together. That’s what appears to have happened here… there seems to be some kind of disconnect emotionally, on your wife’s part and why, I’m not sure.
In today’s world it’s a continual need to fight FOR your marriage, because there are so many pressures, temptations, and the feeding of so much faulty thinking that fight against couples to split them up. The search for the feeling of “happiness” in all the wrong places is such a draw for people today. Way too often perseverance in marriage –fighting through the tough times to get to the better times falls behind the pursuit of the “I’ve just got to be happy” syndrome that people give into.
Ed, I wish I could say that your marriage will come out of this and grow stronger. I just don’t know. I hope so and pray so. But I don’t know you or your wife, or the thoughts your wife fed herself with to get to the point of having a “desire to divorce.” I DO know that sometimes couples can be on the verge of divorce, and sometimes even be going through a divorce… other times they do get a divorce and somehow, they are able to get it back together and rebuild. If you go into the “Save My Marriage” topic, and go into the “Testimonies” part of it, you will find many, many testimonies of couples who are able to make their marriage work when it looked hopeless. Perhaps viewing some of them might give you hope. I don’t know if it would be hope that you should grab onto or not, because again, I don’t know all the variables. But God does, and at this point in time, it seems that it might be wise, because maybe it might help you to persevere and hang in there, despite what it looks like right now.
God won’t MAKE your wife come back to you to work on your marriage again, because He gives us each a free will (which you have, as well). But I do know that He can give you wisdom as far as how to proceed, as you walk with Him through this journey. And even if your wife never listens to the Lord, as you pray for her and God speaks to her, He will help you to do what you need to do each day to get your life together –work on your own issues, and rebuild your life in a good way, no matter what the circumstances. I know that isn’t what you’d want to hear. I sure wouldn’t. But it’s true, none-the-less. You can’t MAKE your wife jump back into your marriage. But you can pursue God to help you be and become a person that she might want to unite with again. And even if she doesn’t, you are still much farther ahead than if you didn’t go with God on this and work on your own issues (praying she will eventually join you).
I cry for you Ed, and I pray for you, and so is my husband praying for you. We wish we could help you more than this and what we offer you on our web site. But that’s all we have for you. As human beings, our hands are shortened. But please move towards God in this. He is your one true hope to be able to put one foot in front of the other –one who knows what it’s like to be rejected by someone He loves –one who can eventually infuse hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. I hope you get there and pray you will feel His presence and will grab His wisdom, as you ask for it.
Going through the same…
Hi! I’m a Christian, my husband is not. I’ve been married 33 yrs. Ten years ago he wanted out of the marriage because we’re more like sister and brother. I did my best to show him and tell him it’s not true. (I work days he works nights and it has been this way for most of our marriage.) I would not cooperate with his ideas, like sleeping in my daughters room and my daughter sleeping in our room, until the house is sold, then he would help find me a house or place to live. I told him, he would need to find an apartment, he could not stay here and I do not believe in divorce. I will not sign. He spent the night in a hotel, thought it through and said, “it’s a crisis he’s going through he’s sorry for putting me through that.” I took him for his word.
Ten years later my daughter had an addiction and I’ve been staying by her side for 5 of the ten years. We had different ideas on how to help her. I’m considered the enabler. I agree now, she has manipulated and used me. I still love her and I’ll always be there for her, just am wiser to the addict’s ways. She is now in a program, which has woken her up and turned her back to God.
I came home and thought I was robbed. It was my husband who left a note saying he had planned on leaving when our daughter turned 18 but because of the addiction problem stayed for our daughter’s addiction. He thought he could help, but saw he couldn’t, the rest he says is our marriage. I didn’t see this coming. I took him for his word ten years ago. He said, “he stayed because he didn’t want another man telling his daughter what to do.”
He is in an apartment and came to the decision he doesn’t want to be in a marriage. He isn’t looking to divorce as of right now and he isn’t looking for another relationship. I ran back to God asked for forgiveness. I love my husband. I will always love him. I see all the things on the list above and I believe some pertains to me as a wife.
The line of communication is open between us. I forgive him for abandoning our marriage. I ask God to forgive me. I also have asked my husband to forgive me. He doesn’t want to work on the marriage; he doesn’t want to even talk about the marriage. I believe he is angry with me and hurt. I’m staying in communication with God asking God to open his eyes, ears and soften his heart. I’m being patient, but I have to be honest I have bad days. The Bible says, if your husband leaves, and he is not saved it is O.K. for you to divorce, same for the wife. I don’t want a divorce. I want my husband back. I know God has a plan. How long will this last? He has now purchased a trailer in a 55+ community. Is it over? He does text me and asks questions when he hears from our son my car is acting up. The last text was did I drop the car off at Par Automotive. He also text me Happy Fourth. Is this a sign he has not completely closed the door?
Hi my name is Pastor Jeremy. I am 30 years old. As of this July 4th me and my wife have been married for 8 years. As of February of this year she told me she wanted a divorce, I talked to her about it ‘frustrated as I was at the time’ and she decided that we could, as she put it, ‘work this marriage out’. I also found out around this time that she was having a second emotional affair online. She made an intentional decision to cut off all contact with him.
However a few months later my sister-in-law who lives with us started going out really late at night with my wife and she was not telling me where she was going. Most of the time it turns out they where going to a bar downtown even though they kept claiming they where going for a walk. Thankfully she also stopped doing this as well. However, she has now got into an online game called 3D Sex and she is on it all day long, she talks to all these guys on it and never lets me know what they are talking about.
Just like she does with her about 3 or so facebook pages I can’t have any contact with her at all on any of them even though she’s always talking to guys about who knows what on there. I love her dearly and have started trying to simply treat her lovingly and respectfully despite the fact that the only time she seems to want to talk to me is when she wants something to eat or wants me to find something. Through all of this I have grown in my faith tremendously. I am a more gentle, more gracious, more merciful, more loving person, more committed, and more trust worthy person than I have ever been since I became a born again child of God at the age of 19.
She seems so emotionally distant from me now, not that that’s anything ‘new’ but when we where first married and before that going out we used to do all these things together and hold hands and hug and kiss and such now she acts like that’s something dirty. She says she is a Christian as she always has claimed but the things she believes and the things that are in scripture are completely incompatible. She even purposely misplaced her ring about 4 times and now is wearing a strange ring that doesn’t even look like a wedding ring.
I love her dearly and I want our marriage to grown strong and healthy like so many other peoples marriages I have seen, but it’s so hard when she see’s no need to change or to even act like I’m her husband ‘well except when she’s with me at church then she puts on a mask like she’s someone completely different’. I have been meaning to get in contact with the Pastor of the church we are going to but it’s just so hard to figure out how to tell him I need to talk to him when he’s busy so often. God willing I will try to get a hold of him soon, his wife is also a very godly woman and I’m sure would be more than willing to gently mentor and disciple my wife since they have grown to be good friends as of recent, which is no coincident since I prayed for her to be surrounded by godly friends. :) Please get back to me with any suggestions thanks and God bless.
P.S. I’m praying for ya, and have added you and your ministry to one of my prayer lists; Your brother in Christ Pastor Jeremy Hicks. :)
Pastor, it appears you are in a stage of your marriage where there is still hope to gain her attention and turn the tables. This sounds really harsh what I am about to post here in the link, but I know for a fact that if I had done this in the earlier stages of my problems with my wife (and we were SEPARATED and living apart), we would be together now. It felt impossible for me to do what the “180” suggested, and I did some of it but not consistently.
I firmly believe that even if you do SOME of the stuff in the list CONSISTENTLY, then your wife will realize the error of her ways and will want to work on your marriage more than ever before.
Please do this “180” that is suggested, and you will definitely get her attention and make her wonder why she ever has had thoughts of leaving you or betraying you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce