“I’m trying everything I can, but my wife just won’t consider reconciling our marriage.”
“I’m doing all I know how to do, but my wife still wants a divorce.”
“My family is split apart, but my wife says ‘no’ to working on reconciling.”
Those are just three of many statements we’ve heard here at Marriage Missions, where the husband is seeking to restore and rebuild their broken marital relationship. Despite their outreach to her, the wife will have no part of it.
They ask us for help and to be perfectly honest, we often aren’t sure how to help them. First off, Steve and I are not Marriage Counselors —we’re Marriage Educators. And many of these types of couples need more help than we can give them. When you’re talking about deep-seeded problems, have been going on a long time before they approach us, it’s seldom something that can be resolved with an obvious solution.
Good Starting Point for Reconciling
But I’ve done some digging into coming up with at least SOME type of “answers” for husbands, hoping they will be a good starting point. When a person feels they are drowning ANYTHING of any substance is better than nothing. This is true, at least, for the immediate moment. And that is what I’m offering here —something of substance to help you in your immediate desperation.
You will need to work through this journey together with God to see how He helps you to unravel this complicated situation. It may or may not end up with the result you desire. However, who knows? It may end up better. I don’t know. But when God is invited in, you can be sure that you will find a place of peace, at some point in time. And it will be the best solution that you can grasp, given the fact that we live in a fallen world. With the Holy Spirit as your “Wonderful Counselor,” you have more going for you than any other way you could ever go.
That doesn’t mean that God won’t use other human counselors and advisors to help you at some point, but as the familiar term goes, “He’s got your back.”
The Bible says in Proverbs 30:21-23:
“Under three things the earth trembles…” One of those three things is “an unloved woman who is married.” You may be screaming inside that you WANT to show her love and are willing to do what it takes to give it to her. But for some reason her availability to receive your love is slammed shut.
I don’t know if it is your fault, her fault, the fault of “the perfect storm” of emotions all tangled up, sin run amuck, and/or someone else’s fault. But whatever it is, it is. It’s best to work with what is, rather than work in denial of the truth. It’s important to work with what you CAN do, rather than what you wish you could do. Denial will take you to a dead end, as far as getting any positive results in reconciling with her again.
I’m going to present an article for you to read, to pray over and consider. It may or may not be for you. Or there may be parts, which the Holy Spirit may use to speak to and help you. It’s the gleaning process, in action.
Start With Prayer
Please read through it. Then ask the Lord to help you to keep your mind open to what He wants you to know. A good prayer for you to sincerely express to God is:
“Search me O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me
and lead me in the way everlasting.”
(Psalm 139:23-24)
Next:
There IS a reason your wife’s spirit is closed off to you. It may be one or many or all of the reasons I pointed out earlier. However, you need to know that it didn’t happen overnight. It may seem to you that it did because of how it all came down. But in reality, it has been closing off to you for a while and it just now came to a final closure —one that opened your eyes to the final door slamming shut.
Closed Spirit
A number of years ago, I heard Dr Gary Smalley talk about the process of how a spouse’s spirit closes. He showed an open hand with all of the fingers splayed wide apart. He likened the heart being in the place of the palm of the hand. It’s the soft part of who they are and very vulnerable when nothing is protecting it.
And then he gave examples of different “events,” which can cause a spouse to close a protective finger over their heart. Because of these events, they felt too vulnerable to being hurt again by the “offending” spouse. Sometimes confession and repentance opens the fingers again. But sometimes, the offended spouse never opens up in the same way ever again.
He then showed that sometimes a spouse has been hurt so much over time. The result was that he or she will completely close off in spirit, from the other spouse. The hand looks like a closed fist. There is no part of that “heart,” which is open and vulnerable to the way you can approach it. And sometimes it never opens again.
In his book, Winning Your Wife Back Before It’s Too Late
He wrote:
Although there are probably hundreds of ways to offend your wife and close her spirit, we consistently see several that top the list. You can close your wife’s spirit when you:
• Speak harsh words.
• Tell her that her opinions don’t matter.
• Act unwilling to admit when you are wrong.
• Take her for granted.
• Make jokes or sarcastic comments at her expense.
• Show that you do not trust her.
• Force her to do something that she’s uncomfortable with.
• Act rude to her in front of others.
• Dismiss her needs as unimportant.
Your wife could probably make up her own list of the things you’ve done to close her spirit.
We consistently get calls from men all around the world who are desperate because their wives just walked out the door. The most devastating part is that many of these men fail to realize that little by little, their actions closed their wives’s spirits. Because this happens internally, many men don’t realize they’ve offended their wives.
And one day the husband comes home to find his wife’s spirit rolled up in a tight ball, like a sow bug. You may not always be aware of what you do to deposit anger into the life of your loved one. However, when it comes to relationships, a preventative rule of thumb is this: whatever dishonors another person usually closes her spirit!
If you have been wondering why your wife left or perhaps why she resists your efforts at reconciliation, the answer is usually found in a closed spirit. The sad reality is, the more a man steps on the spirit of his wife, the more resistant she becomes to him.”
Gary goes on to then state the following:
“Our purpose in writing about a closed spirit is not to make you —who may find yourself with a closed sow bug, instead of an an open wife, feel guilty. It is to provide hope. I have done many things to close the spirit of my wife and the key to reconciliation is to learn how to reopen her spirit.”
I realize THAT’S what you are trying to do. Dr Smalley’s book gives you some ideas, which you may find helpful. They have worked for many husbands. They haven’t worked for others, but you never know until you pray, read, and see if God is leading you that way. For this reason, you may want to obtain the book to consider his advice.
I want to give one more illustration, before I move on from this point. I’m hoping it will help you to see what could have happened with your wife. It was written by someone named Camain, who asked for prayer on the Internet for his wife’s hardened heart.
Referring to his wife, he wrote the following:
“Someone said that she is really hurt, and you’re right, she is. I may not have hit her, or degraded her, or anything like that. But it’s the little things that have added up over the years. Each of those little things was a brick in a wall. Little by little with time being the mortar, that wall has gotten big and hardened.
“At first I tried to bang myself against it, repetitively hitting it. I can’t break this wall down though. The only thing that can is time, Gods help, patience and perseverance. I have to be patient, loving, and humble. I’m trying hard to find and identify all the issues that have caused harm to my marriage. No matter how big or small, I’m trying to ask for forgiveness of them, and stop doing them.”
I can’t help but think of “the earth trembling” because of a wife who feels “unloved” so she closes her spirit, walled off from being open to her husband again —at least, not at this point.
True, we don’t know the circumstances. And true, sin is involved somewhere —you can count on it. But nonetheless, her spirit is closed.
A Helpful Article on Reconciling
I came across an article, which I referred to earlier, believing you will benefit from reading it. I’m hoping that at least SOME of what the author, Reb Bradley has written will help. At the end of this article, he offers additional resources. I need you to know that I don’t know much about Reb or his resources. As a result, I can’t really recommend them. That is up to you.
All I can say is that I saw a lot of credibility in what I was able to read and glean. I encourage you to prayerfully consider all God shows you, for your situation. Below is the Familyministries.com link to this article.
Please read:
• RECONCILIATION WITH A HARDENED WIFE
Above all, I hope that your ultimate goal goes beyond reconciling with your wife. If that is the case, your “solutions” will be most likely be temporary, when and if you do. Ultimately, I hope your ultimate goal is to go to GOD and make sure your life is clean. Do not give your wife added “excuses” as to why she could remain closed in her spirit in reconciling with you.
Also, realize that giving forgiveness and reconciling the marriage are two separate steps. Your wife may have much, which she needs to forgive you for, and much that she needs to surrender to the Lord. But that does not mean that she will seek reconciling with you as husband and wife again. If she doesn’t feel safe with you (physically, spiritually, and/or emotionally), she may decide to forgive you, but she still will not live with you.
Live For God
I can’t account for her actions, and neither can you. This is between her and God. You will need to come to the place where you will live for God, EVEN IF your wife doesn’t join you in marriage again. Are you a man of God who can live like this? Are you a man after God’s own heart?
If you are, and you are sincere, then there is hope for you that you can be reconciled to God AND to your wife. But I don’t know what your wife will do.
I do know though, that God wants to work in and through your life. He wants to do this whether your wife comes back to you or not. It is my sincerest hope you will participate with Him in this mission.
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
Filed under: Bitterness and Forgiveness Save My Marriage
Hi, my wife left for police training last year. During her time there I accused her when she chatted with guys of her platoon in the police force. Or when I hear by her she did do something or so with a guy I tripped. There was this one guy I accused her of and up till the end of December –that’s for about 3 to 4 months, although I found out she chatted with another guy who wanted to go on a date with her but she said no, and that broke my heart. The more I tried to fixe my marriage the more obsessed I became, up until now we are apart for 3 months now and before that we went from problems to problems.
I’m seeking God now and even pray until 3 in the morning. My wife like on dat hates me and I’m more in love with her than ever. I want to fix my marriage. I’ve been difrrent for a while now and don’t know how to comunicate with her if she doesn’t want to talk about us. We have two lovely daughters and I pray to God to show me the way. We’re still married; there is no talk of divorce but we don’t live together. She is with her mom and most of her clothes and shoes are here and she just sits in her own world when she doesn’t work.
She may be in an emotional affair. You may just need to say “ok”…if this is what you want, and move on. It may move her out of the fog; it may not, but you can’t change her, you can only change YOU. God will have to do the rest.
I dont want my husband anymore. 3 days into our marriage he was texting his ex wife asking her to creep and she turned him down. I confronted him and he said he just wanted to see what she would say and that he wasn’t gna it… I’ve lost all respect and trust. A week after that he was on a dating website. Then a week after that some girl texted him asking him how was his day!!!?? I confronted him and her and they mutually said they were like family…
I hung in there but now that he has been on his best behavior I don’t want him anymore. My heart is over it!!! I don’t care if he is changed now. I’ve been so stressed out from him, and his mother doesn’t like me now because I don’t want to come around them because of the things that he did. She had the nerve to say I’m mistreating him because he stayed at his mom’s one night after we were arguing. I’m tired of all of them. I want out!!! Am I a fool for feeling this way?
Lee, I understand how you feel. When the trust is gone, it’s almost impossible to rebuild. I’m trying, TRYING to do that now, but I feel like you, I’m over it. He didn’t honor his vows, he was cheating. A dating website?
Therapy is probably the only answer and that has no guarantees. Sounds like he ruined everything. You can forgive, but it doesn’t mean you have to set yourself up for more disappointments.
Hi Lee, With love I say that you are never a fool for feeling like you do. Marriage is a long life-long covenant between yourself, your husband, and God. With that being the case, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. We all fall short of God’s glory, yet he still forgives us for our trespasses. In your case, you have clearly been hurt. Because you have opened up your heart to your husband, he has the power to hurt you like no one else on earth can. Each time he tresspasses against you, it makes it easier for the devil to creep into your marriage and make you believe that the covenant of marriage is no longer valid. Before continuing, I’d like to tell you a little about myself.
I’m a 28 year old man, as close to divorce as I could possibly be. My wife and I have not lived together for about 8 months and she is currently seeing another man. At this time, he’s unaware that we’re still married. She has explicitly told me that she does not love me anymore and that she wishes we could have worked, but she doesn’t believe we ever could. I have literally tried EVERYTHING to avoid this situation. We never had a problem with abuse, or infidelity during our marriage. I myself have stepped outside of my marriage, but she sincerely had no idea of it ever happening. I wasn’t an attentive husband, yet I blamed her for so much, as she herself was fighting demons stemming from her abuse as a child. She would tell me I wasn’t there for her, and I would say she pushed me away. She would say I didn’t listen, and I would say she didn’t talk to me. We were both absolutely right, and completely wrong at the same time.
What I’ve learned throughout this entire process is that I tried EVERTHING to make it work, except for what God would have me do. You see, His Word explain the covenant of marriage in a way that no counselor or friend could ever. He explains the nature of both man and woman, and their roles as equals within marriage. In marriage and in life, we only have 2 true choices: 1) Walk in the power of man or 2) walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. By choosing option 2 and following his word, we will have the trust, love, and intimacy that marriage is supposed to be. Personally, I don’t know if I waited too long to see the light and dedicate my life to living within his word, but I’m praying it is not too late for you.
Marriage is the most important task given to man. The only thing that stands before your commitment to your husband is God himself. As you can tell, we are all sinners, and undeserving of forgiveness, but He knows our hearts, and only through Him will you find clarity. I speak to you from experience and currently with a heavy heart, if you attempt to walk in your own path, you will NEVER fully reap the blessings that God has in store for you. No matter who you’re married to, they will never love you perfectly, nor will you love them perfectly. However, God will and he will show you the way if you seek him.
As my wife (as the wife mentioned above) is a Christian, would she not be interested in reconciling her marriage and honouring her vows made before God?
Hi. I am Jatin. I am also suffering from separation from 3 months. I abused my wife and sometimes I hit her. Now she has left home for 3 months. She move out with children. I have 2 kids, one girl, and one boy. I am feeling so lonely and I realize that I was not a good person. She is not talking to me, also she doesn’t want to come back. Please help me. What should I do?
You need serious counseling for anger management and maybe even some medication. Of course, she had to leave and with her children. They were not safe. Go to get therapy and help. Let her know you’re doing this. Let her see the new man once you’re transformed. Would you go back to a place where you felt danger?
My husband left 2 1/2 months ago. We’ve been married five years. We fought a lot, went to counseling but he never said he was unhappy. Now he wants a divorce and won’t reconcile. He is a Christian but already online looking for someone else. He says he never loved me. His heart is hard and closed because we fought a lot. He thinks anybody without that history will seem better.
That’s kind of contradictive: he’s a Christian and married you but never loved you? Were the issues you fought about not things that could ever be resolved?
Wow, I must say that it is true that you dont miss your water until your well runs dry. My beautiful wife decided to leave our home after seven years together. I will be the first to admit that she put up with a lot of crap from me over the years. With the fact of her being gone it has had a drastic effect on me. It has caused me to really search myself and see where I have gone wrong or hurt her in our marriage. I really do LOVE my wife and want so bad to be the husband that God wants me to be. I know that God is, I’m sure, tired of me begging Him to give my wife back. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it right with her. God fix ME please.
God will transform you. She just needs to know that you have asked to be transformed by God. That’s what we all need, but we need to see it in actions, not in words, and as a woman, let me tell you, we need to see it over, and over, and over, and hear it even more. Ask her for another chance and show her you are serious. Check in with her every couple of days and ask how she’s feeling. Make sure she feels safe in telling you the truth.
My wife left one day while I was at work. I’m a paramedic and I would work 24 hrs straight. She kissed me and told me she loved me and said to call her when I got to work. I told my partner that day how lucky I was to have my wife. Little did I know she was packing and moving her things out. I called her later that evening and she told me she had left me. I rushed home to find all her things gone and or 2 year old son’s things as well.
I’m a veteran and had always been the strong one. Well as I’m walking through my empty home and sobbing in my little boys room, I hit my knees. As I’m kneeling over his bed I’m thinking I can’t do this and I decided right then and there I’m going to kill myself. I try to get up to get my gun and I can’t move. I feel hands on my shoulders holding me in place. I cry out to God to help me and my life has changed since then.
I’m far from perfect and I have hurt my wife and I didn’t even know it. I’ve told her how I feel and I’ve been there for her. I do all I can and I have not been angry with her once in the past 9 months. I want my marriage; I want to be a family again. I have told her she may not love me but I will always love her and be there for her. I told her I will not remarry or date.
It’s not right, I can’t give my heart to another when it’s hers. I understand my vows more then ever now. She kissed me in March and that my be our last kiss and mine for the rest of my life. A lot of people tell me to give up, let go or move on. I may end up divorced, but when I stand before God all my past sins are gone and I’ll have kept my vows to that one woman I gave myself to. I’ll be the best man, father and Christain that I can be. Maybe someday I can save someone else from this pain and help them come to Jesus. My God bless you all. I wish you all the best.
Have you asked her why she left? Have you asked her what you would need to do to get her to return? Are you willing to do those things and have you told her that?
I discovered that my husband had recently ended a 4 year affair with a woman 20 years younger, married and with a child that he continues to work with. My 17 year old daughter is the one that told me who the affair was with; she had seen texts but had kept them to herself (an entirely different story). He told me he wanted a divorce, he didn’t feel the same about me and would not go to counseling. My daughters were devastated. He stated “his” happiness was important too.
I filed for divorce (he would not). My hurt and anger have been horrible. I’ve cried my eyes out when my children aren’t home, read everything I could get my hands on, went to therapy, and read all the books I could find. I had to make him leave the house, however, we’ve always remained cordial. He wouldn’t tell anyone about our situation. We were moving forward with divorce and I was healing after much study, prayer and therapy on dealing with infidelity and divorce. As well as my daughters, who were doing very well.
6 months after he moved out and 3 months before our court date for divorce, he came back crying stating “he just wanted his family back. That he would do anything.” The affair has been over since before he moved out. My daughters believed if he were serious he should have a second chance. I agreed to “go to counseling”. We’ve been going to counseling, he has apologized many times, shows remorse, enthusiastically attends church and signed all legal papers signing the house and savings and checking over to me if we SHOULD get a divorce. I told him I would not consider reconciling if he did not do so.
All this and I’m still questioning that he’s only doing this to keep from losing his job. I’m trying to “choose” be believe him, but I don’t. I’m trying to forgive, but I cannot forget. 4 years at lunch time. Why does he want to reconcile now? Why after healing and learning to move on through fidelity and divorce and I make a 180 turn to getting through fidelity and reconciling with someone I’ve just learned to let go of? How do I know he isn’t just doing this to keep his job?
If we get divorced or go to court, he’ll certainly be exposed to his company. The affair partner still works there and her husband doesn’t know. I’m trying to “choose” to believe him, I just don’t. He has apologized over and over, admitted to his sin, shows remorse, I’m still so confused if I should try to reconcile (I cannot forget after knowing this was going on for 4 years…) and am certainly working on forgiving. I don’t know if I should keep on with the forgiveness and move on in my life.
I know the affair is over, however, it could reignite. He tells me he will never do anything like this again and he does not want her. At this point, if they were to reconnect, it wouldn’t surprise me and my feelings are only that they deserve each other. He says this is absolutely out of the question. But he also told me many things for 4 years. HELP!!!
My wife has filed for divorce after 19 years of marriage. She has been convinced by local counselors that I have not been a “good Christian husband.” I have never cheated, do not swear, am not a physical, sexual or verbal abuser; do not drink, do not smoke, and basically have no vices. I find it ironic, if not quite odd, that the man is always held responsible for any transgressions, even if he has been wronged. I think that is a humanistic Spirit and wrong, and so many Christians and so-called ‘Christian Counselors’ have swallowed the kool-aid. Marriage is hard work. There is never a reason to give up.
My wife told me that I “simply do not make enough money and am no longer any fun.” After having (and admitting to) an torrid emotional affair (thousands of emails, trips to his home, trips together all over the world), she has defined my behavior as ‘un-supportive’ and ‘unloving’. A lot of this has to do with the people she surrounds herself with, who claim to be Christians, who are telling to he leave, based on what she is telling them, without them even knowing me or my side of the story. The damage to my family, kids, business and friendships has been insurmountable and she continues to wound me daily.
I am not giving up, however! I have spent the last 10 years or so, fighting divorce, and the last three doing daily damage control. The problem is, she is a career woman and has a taste for this world and ‘the finer things in life’. And though I question her real commitment to Christ, I am at the point where I can no longer support my family because of the legal costs. I cannot sell my house and due to the myriad of legal actions, I can barely earn enough money just to pay the bills. I have chosen, rather, to fire my high-powered attorney (remember, my wife is the main bread winner, though I make a very decent living that most Americans would cherish, as well as taking care of the kids full-time. My wife is always on the road and out of town for her business), and to agree to whatever settlement my wife wants. Unfortunately, I am approaching retirement age, in the next couple of years, and her agreement leaves me penniless.
My kids are the most important. I will survive the embarrassment, the loss of work and friends, and I WILL eventually forgive. Unfortunately I am having a hard time forgiving her, right now, and avoid conflict at any cost-everything I say can and will be held against me. And the Courts are no better. No matter how ‘right’ a man may be in such matters, he still comes out a loser-with his kids, with his finances and business, and with his family and friends. It’s awful!
So, I appreciate your prayers and will continue to wage war against the Jezebel Spirit. Thanks.
I understand what you mean about how men seem to always be held accountable for any wrong they have done, but a woman is not. It seems that she can become embittered and people make excuses for her. My wife has had a hard heart against me for several years. I have committed my wrongs but I have apologized to her and sought help to make corrections and it’s never enough. I can set up joint counseling sessions and she doesn’t come or if she does she doesn’t get involved and only comes one time. I’ve prayed and repented but I’m starting to wonder where the Lord is in all of this.
I am sorry for your situation. I do understand what you’re going through.
Hi Jeremy, I could be you talking about my husband and using the same exact expressions in terms of feeling sidelined, treated unfairly etc. I could also be your wife, describing how unsupportive and ungrateful you are. How you demanding of my time when all I have tried to do is take care of my family. I could be her with the online emotional affair and claiming that I needed someone to talk to because my husband is uninterested.
It is interesting how we can often see the wrongs our spouses have done us and not really see ourselves in the picture. I like it when people stop and confess their own shortcomings inorder to accommodate the needs of others. Unfortunately in relationships where one claims they have done everything right, right there a stench begins to fill the room of reconciliation. Yes, we get hurt and genuinely so sometimes, but if you think about it, “when you got married first, what were you out to achieve?” What were you willing to put in and what were the expectations of the other person?
I hope that you and your wife will find a better way of resolving these issues. It would be sad if you went away empty handed. Sometimes, the only way to reconciliation, especially as Christians, would be to humble ourselves. There is not a lot of that. Isabella
Hi, I’m hoping for advice on how to stop my heart from hardening. I’ve been married for 4 years. 4 months ago found out my husband has been cheating on me the entire time. My worst nightmare come true. He has been clean, open, honest and trying to reconcile since I caught him and genuinely wants our marriage to grow. Very repentant and he is trying.
Like you’ve mentioned in the article I was able to forgive him but I now am having a hard time accepting him. Trust has never been easy for me and I trust very, very few to begin with. He was the ONLY person I really trusted and now I feel like a fool for leaning and relying on him so much. I know, I know. I’m only supposed to lean and rely on the Lord but I was a fool and made that mistake and my world came crashing down.
Thing is, I FEEL my heart beginning to harden. I hate it! At the same time, my hurt is so deep that is easier to pull away from my husband than to face all of my pain. I DON’T want to pull away but I’m so petrified of being hurt again that I can’t even take my own walls down. I love my husband dearly but some days I can’t even look at him without breaking down. Please help. How do I take my own walls down? How do I learn to trust again when trust was so hard earn even once?
Brit, First off, please allow me to tell you how very sorry I am that you find yourself in this place in your marriage. This is such a horrible thing to have happen –to have your spouse, who vowed to be true to you being his one and only, betray you like this. My heart grieves for you. In all of this though, please be patience with yourself, as far as the healing process. You have been stabbed in the heart… it takes time and a LOT to get to a place where you are able to find some type of “normal” in your emotions again. I even wrote an article on this aspect of healing that you can find at: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/strategies-for-surviving-infidelity/. There are other articles in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic that I encourage you to pray about and read. I believe you’ll find many of them helpful.
I also encourage you to read through the “Bitterness and Forgiveness” topic –especially the Quotes. You will see through what others have written and experienced that trust is not something you are to give right away (or ever give again, if that is warranted). Those are two different steps –forgiving and trusting, that come as a result of walking a long, difficult journey to get there. Give yourself grace and space to get to a better place… God is. He knows what it’s like to have those He loves betray Him. He understands all too well your pain and can help you with this.
As I said before, go through the topic on “Surviving Infidelity,” perhaps even contacting a few of the ministries and organizations we have posted there, that help with these types of issues. Lean into the healing, even though everything within you wants to just curl up in a ball and do the opposite. Fight your heart on the hardening process. It will ruin your future and continually discolor every day. Yes, the days must appear gray… and sometimes black since this happened, but don’t let the clouds take up permanent residence. Allow the Lord to help to heal your heart (in the amount of time it takes… rather than expecting more than you should before you should). It may take longer than you would ever want, of course, but it’s worth the effort. I hope you will participate with the Lord in this healing journey. Pray, read, glean through what you read, and apply what you know God would want you to grab onto, until you get to a better place emotionally. I’m praying for you.
I have been married for 8 years. My wife and I had been arguing over little trivial things for a couple of months or so. She came to me and said that we’d grown apart and that we needed to spend more time together. I agreed and set out to put right our marital woes. We decided on a baby sitter, so we could spend more time together, and I stopped working late hours at home on my course work. We got into an argument over going to my cousin’s wedding abroad. Flat out she didn’t want to go and I said that they might make our 2 year old daughter a bridesmaid but again she dug her heels in. We decided she would go to her mothers for a few days, so we could both cool off etc.
I got a call, which was inadvertent from my 2 year old on my wife’s phone. In short she told her mother why should I stay with someone I don’t love anymore? We agreed to meet at her parents home to try and sort out this mess. I went with my father and in 30 minutes I was told she didn’t love me anymore; it’s over. I was totally blown away. Fast forward 2 weeks and repeated attempts to reconcile I was slowly coming to terms with the marriage ending or trying to at least. She then turned round and said we needed to talk, which I was more than happy with even if I was a little apprehensive. She wanted to give us another chance even though the day before she said she didn’t love me.
That week I changed everything to spend much more time with my wife and daughter. I agreed to move for her also. I started to notice that she wasn’t really trying to reconcile, which made me a little frustrated/angry. One Saturday I discovered some emails and texts etc via facebook to a man who fitted our bathroom. Some were sent over the course of all of this, and the penny dropped. I was crushed. How could she be cheating on me all be it over facebook. I quickly moved out and said it was over. Again a few weeks past by and I tried to get our marriage back together and said that I forgave her for what she did. Again she said she didn’t love me that way any more. It’s been 2+ months since all of this. During this time my wife said she need time to figure out how she feels about me (are you kidding after 8 years?) by time I mean for me to stop asking if she would give us a chance. This decision time has killed me every day and is torture. Where do I stand?
I said I would give her til Christmas but I asked her last night if she had made some sort of a decision (okay I was early but 2 months with no sign of trying was killing me). She said that she didn’t feel that way about me anymore sorry. I was angry and relieved all at the same time. How could she string me along like this? We now plan to sell the house next year and for her to move out. I did mention divorce but truth is I don’t want to divorce her I still hold out hope of her changing (am I a fool ?). She has felt this way for about 4+ months and doesn’t look like she’s going to change. I have pleaded, begged, given her space given her time, talked to a priest, but I am now so low I don’t know what I can do.
My wife decided to leave me after an arguement we had three weeks ago. We have had our issues that were primarily driven by my unwillingness to entirely stop drinking. I have made strides and sacrifices in that regard but I now realize it wasn’t enough. I pushed her to a point where she won’t let me back into her heart. I wasn’t the man she deserved and she has given up all faith in me. We have had seven great years together despite our times & our turmoil. She has filed for divorce and won’t entertain the thought of reconciliation. Just two days prior to our last arguement I had provided information about marriage counselors and had a planned session for the following week. Monday came and she told me she was filing for divorce and wasn’t interested in counseling. I attended the session and have gone weekly since. I like the others have no interest in anyone else as she is the most beautiful person I have ever met both inside and out. I took her for granted and am clinging to what she has referred to as false hope. We have 60 days until the divorce will be final and I have never been so lost or helpless in my life. Any thoughts or wisdom would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Hey buddy, just keep praying and I will definitely join you in prayer. Fight with scripture, send her relevant verses about the institution of marriage. My wife left me last week. I know what you are going through. Lets stay prayed up.
I’ve been married for over three years. My wife has always been extremely patient and supportive to me, bearing my outbursts of temper and irrational panic attacks. However, the last one was just too much for her. We had an argument, I lost control and insulted her in front of her parents and also declared I wanted to divorce, even though I realized I didn’t mean it in the least after I cooled off. From that moment on, my wife told me to sleep in a different room and refuses any physical contact. She tries to see me as little as possible and it seems to me that she can’t forgive me. She says divorce is a possibility because she doesn’t know whether she can ever love me again. On the other hand, she says she will try to keep the marriage.
I feel terrible. I love her beyond anything else and deeply regret my behavior, but I can’t get a chance to show her that I’ve changed and can be a better husband. I know she’s suffering and there’s nothing I can do to help her. Begging forgiveness, telling her sweet things, volunteering to buy her stuff she likes – nothing works. She refuses to talk to me; I suggested counseling, therapy, going to church together – she doesn’t want any of that. I’m trapped and can do nothing but count seconds, minutes, hours, and days in agony. Its been two weeks like that and it doesn’t get better. Please help. I’d do anything in the world to make her forgive me and give me another chance.
I am also in prayer for my marriage. My wife and I were working on reconciliation and then I got laid off again. There have been financial struggles, just going through the motions or daily life. She had decided to move out; that didn’t work out so she had to move back home and is staying in a different room, says she’s miserable here and says that the marriage is dead and no more. She has filed for divorce. There have been road blocks that God has put up, but it seems she is still trying to go past them. We have been divorced before from each other and God put us back together 8 yrs ago. There are outsiders that are not encouraging her to seek and hear God’s will. We have 3 kids that would be effected by this.
I take accountability for the things I have done and the things I took for granted, I wasn’t leading my house as God would have directed me to. We’re both saved. I pray and keep keep faith that God will direct us and bring his Divine intervention to our marriage and softens her heart. I am working on my relationship with God and making him first in my life. I would encourage all standers to continue to seek God first and lean on God’s promises and his word biblically. With faith as small as a mustard seed you can move mountains. Surrend it all to his control. Your faith in God has to be your foundation. I pray for all you and that God would work his devine intervention on his time and in accordance to his will. Don’t give the enemy the satifaction to letting his doubts, and fears overcome you. I pray for all you!
“But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.” James 1:6
Please say a prayer for and my wife for our marriage to come together and stay strong and for my wife to find the love that she has for me in her heart so that she can love me again and give me respect,love, affection, AND kindness to me. Please pray for my marriage!!!!
Hi, my name is Tom and my wife has left me. I feel like a poster child for what I have read so far on this site. We had been together 35 years. I know some of the things that I have done to offend her but I keep thinking they were not enough for her to want to end our life together. I now know I was wrong. She has been much closer to God then me .
I have been guilty of asking God to help me with things I wanted to happen. I now know I have to start living my life for my Lord if I am to be happy and ever posssibly having my wife want anything to do with me again. I don’t much know how to go about that so I am going to start with wonderful web sites like this, alot of prayer and try to get to where I know my heart is pure. If for some reason I cannot get to that point I will not ask her to consider reconclliation.
I know many reading this that are missing a spouse have this same knot in their chest and mind spinning at times. I know I deserve what has happened to me and have made a decision only to ask her if she would consider working toward a solution that would put Jesus first in our lives. With no expectations except to go to God and see if that is possible. I’m supposed to talk with her today on the phone for the first time since she left 2 months ago. I will post on how that goes. Please pray for us.
My brother, I pray all goes well with you. I would love to see you you guys victorious!