Save Your Marriage Alone

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Christian psychiatrist Paul D. Meier says there are “only three choices for a person who is involved in an unhappy marriage. (1) get a divorce —the greatest cop-out and by far the most immature choice; (2) tough out the marriage without working to improve it —another immature decision but not quite as irresponsible as divorce; and (3) maturely face up to personal hang-ups and choose to build an intimate marriage out of the existing one —the only really mature choice to make.” But if your spouse isn’t helping in your marriage, how is it possible to save your marriage alone?

In your case, the moment of truth has come. Your partner probably has already ruled out the second option and chosen the first without even considering the third. The question is, “What will you do?” Surrender to the pressures of the world’s way of thinking and the emotions of the moment? Or will you make a choice based on confidence in the eternal truths of Scripture?

Choices

The stakes are higher than one may realize at the time. One choice clearly leads to the bitterness and defeat of divorce as well as lost opportunities for blessing. “Divorce is more painful than death,” a woman told me. “The reason is because it’s never really over.”

Dr Meier says that when couples run away from their problems by divorcing and remarrying, “then there are four miserable people instead of just two…. Why spread misery?” he asks. “Bad marriages are contagious! Numerous psychiatric marriage partners get divorced. No matter how good their intentions may be they nearly always remarry into the very same type of neurotic relationship they had before.”

When you choose the pathway of irrevocable commitment to your mate and your marriage —regardless of how troubled your relationship may seem —you will find that choice leading you into a place of agape love and peace and personal growth. These are just some of the rewards, for the chances are very good that you will also be able to enjoy the blessings that God has wanted to bestow on your marriage from the beginning.

Meeting marriage problems in a biblical manner

I am not suggesting that the healing of a marriage is an easy process when one partner resists it. But are any easy choices open to you, after all? Torn relationships involve pain, whatever you do about them. As Peter points out in his first letter, it is far better to suffer (if suffer you must) for doing right, than for doing wrong. He makes it clear that God’s favor and blessing shine on the one who patiently suffers, if necessary, in order to do His will. Meeting your marriage problems in a biblical manner is productive rather than pointless, and whatever hurts your encounter will be less damaging than the long-term effects of divorce would be.

“The very word divorce should be cut out of the vocabulary of a couple when they marry,” said a woman with a restored marriage. “God’s way is so much better for anyone who is willing to give it a try.”

Another woman, considering the turbulent events of the past year that had driven her to grow emotionally and spiritually while she “loved her husband back” to their marriage, said, “It’s been all gain for me. I’m a different person now. The process was humbling, but it was worth it!”

A man said, “During the time when I was trying to win my wife’s love and hold our family together, sometimes I got so tired of rejection that I didn’t feel anything except a determination to do what the Bible said and leave the results with God. The only thing I was sure of was that somehow God would work it out for my good because He promised that in His Word. I never imagined the love affair He has actually given us. He really does do more than we can ask or think!”

Clarify your thoughts, stabilize your emotions, and learn

While these comments from the far side of the problem are encouraging, I understand that the feelings you may be experiencing right now are less than pleasant. Many others have been where you are now. They can empathize with what you are going through: shock, hurt, rejection, emotional confusion, temptation to bitterness. And of course, there are pressures from all sides that sometimes make you want to give up.

My heartfelt goal is to help you clarify your thoughts, and stabilize your emotions. Plus, it is to help you learn to behave in a consistent, purposeful way that will save your marriage and bring a new dimension of love into your relationship.

So, if you are willing to make a commitment to your marriage based on the eternal principles and promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in promises of the Word of God, you can take heart and let hope grow in proportion to your commitment. Contrary to what the world believes, one person can save a marriage. In fact, most of the people I counsel belong in this category. Even when both come to see me, one is usually dragging the other along, in a manner of speaking, and only one really cares about the outcome in most cases.

Are you feeling all is without hope?

Marriage counselor Anne Kristin Carroll says, “If you think there’s no hope because you are the only one in your relationship who cares enough to try to save your marriage, you are wrong!” She adds, “In my experience most torn marriages are brought to new life by the efforts of only one party.” This has also been my experience. I have seen numerous marriages saved when only one partner applied biblical principles in a whole hearted commitment to the mate and the marriage.

Some marriages have not been saved. Usually this is because the individual is convinced that nothing will change the partner, and he or she simply gives up.

Occasionally, the partner desiring a divorce has developed a strong emotional attachment to another person. This infatuation often ends while the divorce is being delayed. Eventually the unfaithful partner thanks the committed mate for standing fast and preserving the marriage.

In a relatively few cases, one partner develops bitterness toward the other. He or she is actually encouraged to feel this hostility by parents and sometimes, church members. That causes the efforts at reconciliation to be unavailing.

But in the majority of cases, the outcome depends upon the committed partner’s ability to behave consistently in accord with biblical principles. So, in a very literal sense, it is all up to you. You need not expect your partner to do anything constructive about the marriage if he or she wants out.

Clarifying Your Thoughts

When the Bible says, Gird up the loins of your mind (1 Peter 1:13), it means to get your mental powers in a state of alertness for proper action. You must do this without delay. Often the Lord will provide the opportunity for some uninterrupted Bible study and prayerful consideration of God’s plan for your situation. You may also learn some important things about yourself during this time.

When one husband moved out, his parents lovingly helped the wife by keeping the children several weeks. This gave her the opportunity to be better prepared mentally and spiritually for the challenges ahead.

Scriptures Needed

One young wife was ready to dissolve her marriage until a friend in her garden club led her to the Lord. “I only knew two Scriptures at the beginning,” the wife said. “But they were exactly what I needed.God is not a man, that he should lie(Numbers 23:19) and With God nothing shall be impossible (Luke 1:37).

“With those truths as a foundation I began to study the Bible, desperately trying to dig out God’s purpose for marriage and all that He had to say about it. I saw that if I were to obey Him, then I would have to become committed to my marriage and my husband. That’s true even though he was involved with another woman and we were on the verge of divorce.

“Coming to this decision didn’t make things any easier emotionally at first. But what it did was show me a clear path of action. The situation actually became less complicated because there was no more confusion about what to do! I refused to sign the divorce papers. I had gathered evidence identifying the other woman and proving my husband’s unfaithfulness. Destroying it all was important because I didn’t need it anymore.”

Teaching right and wrong

A University of Chicago professor described this generation’s dilemma with the now familiar quotation. “We lack the language to teach what is right and wrong.” But Bible-believing Christian caught in an emotionally fraught situation do not have that problem. The language of God concerning divorce is plain enough for any reader. For example:

For the Lord, the God of Israel says: I hate divorce and marital separation, and him who covers his garment [his wife] with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (Malachi 2:16 AMP).

He replied, ‘Have you never read that He Who made them from the beginning made them male and female’. And said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be united firmly (joined inseparably) to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’ (separate) (Matthew 19:4-6 AMP).

Clarity

As you try to gain clarity of thought concerning your marital situation viewed in light of the teaching of Scripture, I suggest that you read the first five chapters of the book, Love Life for Every Married Couple. Search the Scriptures that have to do with marriage. The following is the eternal principle that undergirds the biblical counsel we offer. It is God’s will for every married couple to love each other with an absorbing spiritual, emotional, and physical attraction. It is one that should grow throughout their lifetime together.

The picture of Christ and His church

It should be crystal clear that God intends for you and your mate to picture the love-bond of Christ and His church. You must beware of substitutes who sometimes find their way into the vacuum of a troubled relationship. Obviously, infidelity and divorce are paths that move away from God’s plan and blessing. But when you pour yourself into restoring love to your marriage, the force of His will is at work with you.

It is important to fill your mind with positive biblical input. I’m talking of biblical counseling, preaching, and teaching. You also need good books, Bible-study resources; and friends who will affirm you in your commitment to your marriage. You need to take in truth from those who are as committed to the permanence of marriage as the Bible is. And don’t listen to anyone else! Develop tunnel vision in this area as Proverbs 4:25-27 commands:

Let your eyes look directly ahead, and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. Watch the path of your feet, and all your ways will be established. Do not turn to the right nor to the left; turn your foot from evil (NASB).

You need to maintain this total mental commitment to the truth. If you aren’t committed to honoring God’s truth you will be swamped by waves of human opinion and bad advice. Sometimes they come from seemingly religious people.

Bad advice

One young man came to me confused. He had been told to do nothing to win back his wife. He had been told to instead concentrate on his vertical relationship with God. I said to him, “This is true, but you can please God only when you are doing what the Bible says you are to do. You must be right in line with God’s Word. We have no other direction for this life. When we are in total accord with the Word, then we can relax and God has the freedom to work with us. He always works with us on the basis of the information that we have from His Word. So the more you know of the Word of God concerning marriage and His abhorrence of divorce, the more equipped you will be to let God do His full work in your life.”

“I had to take a stand on this matter of outside influence,” a wife told me. “Everyone has been anxious to give me advice about my marriage. I refuse to discuss it with people who hold an unbiblical viewpoint, or people who try to turn me against my husband. Also, I won’t discuss it with people who make me feel sorry for myself and encourage weakness in me. I can’t afford to be around worldly friends anymore. They tear me down, and tear my husband down. They are so misguided, even if they mean well. I want to be with people who will stand with me and support me when I might falter.”

A settled mind brings clarification

Your thoughts are clarified when your mind is settled. When your commitment made, you will find that you no longer lie at the mercy of outside events. You also no longer react to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment. Instead, your viewpoint becomes, “This is what I am going to do, no matter what, because it is God’s way to do it. I can count on His wisdom, and I can trust Him with the results of actions based on His Word.”

One woman told me, “I’m not standing by my marriage anymore on the basis of what the outcome will be.” “People urge me to dump my husband, and to give up on him because he’s made my life miserable. They tell me I deserve someone better, that I wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else to love me.

Work to Save Your Marriage Alone

My answer is that marriage is sacred; marriage is permanent; I am committed by my marriage vows; I am one flesh with my husband; and then I really shock them! I tell them that even if there is no happy ending for our marriage, I will not regret the stand I have taken. This is the right decision and I followed the only course possible for me. I will have done all that I could.

“But my trust is not in what I am doing,” she added. “It is in God and His Word. He has a perfect, loving plan for my life, and He’s wise enough and powerful enough to carry it out, if I cooperate by following His counsel. So I’m going to keep on obeying Him in my marriage and I’ll leave the results with Him. I am at peace with that.”

[Marriage Missions editors’ note:

The authors, Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins go on from this point to include a lot more advice. For many different reasons, including honoring their copyright privileges, we need to shorten this article. Plus we think you need to obtain the book yourself because of the additional advice you’ll benefit from reading. But we do want to end this article with some practical advice.]

Counsel that gave courage

A happy wife wrote me a note of thanks for my counsel. She said it gave her the courage to stick with her marriage. She said, “One little thing you said to me meant so much. You said, ‘So what if your husband doesn’t tell you he loves you right now!” I knew you were right. I really wasn’t that important. She found that putting up with rejection was worth it in the long run in order to have a revitalized marriage.

I have talked with many women who tell me that when they do not feel their husband’s love, the Lord has a way of loving them that is almost tangible. “Like being in the sunshine, just feeling the warmth of His love,” several wives agreed.

A young wife carried that a step further in her own trying situation. She said that it was often difficult to go out with her husband. She knew that he would not treat her the way she longed to be treated. So she developed the habit of thinking of the Lord Jesus as her friend and escort of the evening. “It helped me tremendously, she said. “I behaved my best for Him, and was constantly aware of His steadying presence with me!”

In summary:

You need to give love to your mate biblically, emotionally, and physically whether you receive a response or not. This is altogether possible through agape love. One wife, whose husband was involved with another woman, said, “I tried to show him that my love for him did not depend on how he treated me. I still showed him physical affection. I sent him cards with appropriate messages that expressed my caring while we were apart. And, do you know, when we reconciled, I found that he had saved every one of them!”

I talked to some wives who had experienced saving their marriages. I asked them to give their list of do’s and don’ts for a wife trying to save her marriage.

Here are their suggestions:

• There can be no growth in your relationship if there is doubt as to your commitment to your marriage. Make your commitment!

– Trust the Lord to meet your emotional needs. He won’t let you down!

• Live one day at a time.

– Don’t try to do it on your own. The Lord is with you!

• Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!

– Don’t ask family or friends to take sides against your spouse.

• Don’t discuss your intimate marriage problems. Don’t give fuel to gossip. Confide in the Lord, your counselor, and perhaps a close Christian friend whom you can trust.

– Choose your biblical counselor wisely. Never discuss your problems with a friend of the opposite sex.

• Spend as much time in the Word of God as possible.

– Also –

– Concentrate on redeeming the mistakes you made. Ask God to show you how to change, rather than concentrating on your partner’s failures.

• Do all in your power to delay or prevent divorce. If you consult a lawyer, make it clear to the lawyer that it’s only for your financial protection and for your children. Find a Christian lawyer who will help you preserve your marriage.

– Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.

• Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability; but they still need discipline. It will be hard to build a new love relationship with your husband if the children are out of control.

– Don’t expect your spouse to change overnight.

• Hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things.

This article comes from the book Love Life for Every Married Couple, written by Dr Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins, published by Zondervan Publishing. The book details the process of rediscovering the joy of marriage through practical counsel involving communication and an understanding of each other in our sexual make-up. Physician Ed Wheat answers physical, and stress-related questions in a Christian context. Dr. Wheat demonstrates how to bring your feelings of love back to life. There is also a shorter version of this book titled, How to Save Your Marriage Alone, written by the same authors.

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Comments

485 responses to “Save Your Marriage Alone

  1. I am at a loss as to what to do to save my marriage. My wife has told me that she loves me as a person and the father of our children but doesn’t have that happiness with me as her husband that the spark is gone. I didn’t realize we where in trouble and surely not as bad as this.

    She hasn’t said she was unhappy until recently when I myself spoke to her and told her that I felt something wasn’t right with us that I felt we are somewhat disconnected and she agreed. I told her I didn’t want it to get any worse and asked what we could do to reconnect. She said she really didn’t know what to do to work on it she couldn’t put our loss in connection on one thing or another just a mix of things. This was about a month ago that we had this talk.

    I felt to blame for my lack of attentiveness to her as a woman and the things she needed to feel wanted and special so I took her to lunch later that week and I also sent her flowers the same week. Now I know it probably looked to her like it was just a band aid but it truly was not on my part. I told her that I understood that I was not showing her the attention and love she wanted and vowed to change those ways if she could just give me a chance to her I promised I would and wouldn’t let myself slip back into my inattentive ways.

    The following week she went out with some of her girlfriends and I was ok with it for the most part as she told me that it was just dinner. Later she sent me text saying that the other girls wanted to go to bar and asked if I was ok with her going to but she said it didn’t matter to her either way she would come home or go which ever I wanted I was hesitant but I told her to go have fun but I was kinda upset at the last minute change of plans because it always seems to happen every time she goes out. Now what I later found out is there was man at the bar her friend knew and was talking to and for some reason he took an interest in my wife. I did not find this out until I looked at our phone bill and noticed she was texting the same number for multiple hours in a day luckily I caught it by the second day it was happening and asked her about him after I did my research and found out it was a man that I did not know.

    Since then we have been very rocky and now with my worries and talking she says that she doesn’t have the desire to work on our marriage, that she has “checked out” and doesn’t feel there is anything I can do to bring back that spark. She has told me this man is just a friend and throughout our 8 years total together I have had issues with her having male friends and going out with her single girlfriends and I know that she had the same issue with her ex boy friend before me.

    We have 2 children together 9 and 2 they are my world and so is she. I told her I will work on my trust issues and be more accepting of her having girl time and not be upset about it that I realize she needs that alone time to let go of stress from work and home and myself. I also vowed to continue to focus more on the little things she craves and do my absolute best to make her feel as special to me as she truly is. I have been at a loss as to what to do. I have tried to talk to her about it and working it out with nothing positive coming from her just that she is truly over our marriage and myself.

    The part I don’t understand is that she cried many times that she is hurting me and she doesn’t want to hurt me but she is just not happy. I don’t understand how she can be so upset over hurting me if she really doesn’t love me in the way a married woman should love her husband. I really didn’t give her any space with this issue as I was scared to because I was afraid this other man would get into her head and push her farther away from me so I thought I needed to be there telling her and trying to show her how devoted I am to her and our marriage.

    Now today I looked at her phone and found her still talking to this man after she told me she wouldn’t anymore and would focus on us. I brought it to her attention that I found him in her phone and wanted to know why. She said she can have friends of opposite sex and it be just that friends and she knows how it might look to me because she has hidden it from me and our current situation. She told me that after my actions today and this past week that I have just pushed her even farther away and she is really done with us and has pretty much stopped talking to me all together.

    I don’t know what I should do. I am still very much in love with her and desperately want our marriage to work because I feel with the changes I want to make and need to make I could make her happy again but she just doesn’t want to give it that last chance. We haven’t really had any big issues up to now. nothing I viewed as being this detrimental to our marriage and she hasn’t lead on as such either. Her mother tells me that I should try to just leave her be to give her space and see if in a little bit of time she will change her mind about working things out.

    I am terrified to do that being as I know she is still talking to this other man who is supposed to be just a friend and worried that with her mental state and dealing with all the emotions she has right now he may strike that spark in her and I will have no chance to save our marriage and family.

    Please someone give me some guidance. I have prayed for both of us and our children and have others praying as well that want to see us fix our issues and have a long happy life together with our children.

    Anyone? Help!!

    1. Hello, my heart truly goes out to you; continue to stand for your marriage and start covering your wife in Prayer. The enemy is trying to destroy your marriage but you stand firm and start seeking God like never before and he will direct your paths and order your footsteps for your marriage. You have to put all your trust in God. I’ve been standing 2yrs for my marriage and God is turning my whole situation around. Yes, restoring – Hallelujah. I’m also a prayer warrior and I will be standing and praying for your marriage; God is able and with God nothing shall be impossible.

    2. Surrender your marriage totally to God. Start reading God’s word and his promises and rebuke the hands of the enemy who’s trying to attack your marriage. Be strong. Your wife is being deceived by the The enemy. So, start praying that God opens her blinded eyes and ears to hear and see his truth. Be Blessed…God Rebuilds Brokenness In Our lives As We Seek And Live In His Faithfulness.

    3. Hi Josh, My heart also goes out to you!! I am a husband married 37 years… but we have had our struggles too…. and I can sense your pain. A very good site is: http://marriagemissions.com/getting-unhooked-from-an-emotional-affair/
      The opening article is VERY good.

      Lea’s comments are very good as well…the best thing you can do is pray, trust and do everything you know to do… as Lea is saying.

      Affairs can be very hard to break away from. An additional site here below, also see the sidebar there for additional information, encouragement: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk

      Another here below:
      http://marriagemissions.com/100-ways-you-can-love-your-wife-her-way/comment-page-4/#comment-347263

      I hope these comments help. I will pray too. Your wife is clearly being deceived as Lea says… but prayer is a powerful thing… a husband’s prayer, accourding to the will of God must be very powerful… I John 5.14, 15. More so when there are children involved!

  2. My wife told me she wanted a year break. I said no. We have been going to counsel, not Christ centered. My wife refused to go to a Christian counselor. Things were going great then she said she is done with us. I stand in the word of our Father and His word on marriage. She is a believer. What do I do? I do not want a divorce. I want to glorify our Father.

    1. Hello Chad, sorry to hear that, but you stand and keep fighting for your marriage in prayer… If she’s a believer biblically it speaks about God hates divorce in Malachi. The Enemy is busy; he’s so cunning, so deceiving, even believers. My God, we as believers have to stand on God’s promises. Keep praying! Don’t give up on your marriage. I will be praying for you and your marriage. Hang in there for with God nothing shall be impossible. The enemy wants us as believers to give up but God said let us not be weary in well doing for in due season we shall reap if we faint NOT. Be blessed! God is with you.

      1. Give it all to God; He has ALL power. Seek God like never before; He is so worthy – we serve an awesome God who is so merciful. The enemy is trying to destroy marriages, families, etc., but what God puts together no man will put asunder. Trust wholeheartedly in God. Your wife is being tricked by the enemy. Pray that God softens her heart towards your marriage and ask God to show your wife the truth. Get in the word of God. God says if you keep your mind stayed on Him He will keep you in perfect peace. I’m a stander as well and my faith is through the roof. God is good and I will not give up nor faint on my marriage. God’s time is not our time; he knows the day and the hour. Watch and pray…and be blessed.

  3. My husband told me he doesn’t love me anymore; he told me is tired of suffering. We have been struggling financially for the past 3 & half years, he feels I am weighing him down. I still love my husband deeply but I don’t know what to do to save my marriage anymore. I really want it to work.

  4. Hello, I am a military service member currently stationed overseas on a one year unaccompanied tour. It has been 40 days or so since I left home to overseas. My wife and I just celebrated our 7th anniversary on September 12th. We have had ups and downs as most marriages do but this last year has been particularly difficult and I am mostly to blame. I had two really big mess ups and I apologized and thought I was forgiven. I promised to do things differently but change is hard. I was really focused at first and did the bare minimum to gain my wife’s forgiveness. Once I was forgiven we resumed loving each other very deeply again. We relocated our family from my last duty station back to her hometown so she had her parents to lean on if needed. During the relocation we had a few bumps but were able to deal with them. My wife did express concern one day about not feeling good about me leaving. I tried to reassure her everything would be ok because this is not the first time we have experienced a long separation. She really wanted to talk about it but regretfully I dismissed her.

    When the time came near for me to deploy overseas we made a pact to love and appreciate each other the thirty days prior to the date. We were successful and the loving atmosphere was real. My wife and I are not good at hiding our feelings from each other so I know the love was real. The departure date arrived. It was time to leave. We hugged. We kissed. We cried and told each other how much we were going to miss each other. During the first 30 days or so since I have been gone everything was still great. Words of love and affirmation expressed to each other every night and day. Then our anniversary date was on us. I sent her flowers and chocolate covered strawberries. When she got them she expressed great joy and appreciation. She sent me a photo of her and one of our boys cuddled up and sharing the strawberries. I was feeling insecure about myself because things have not been going well work wise since I arrived overseas and I made an insensitive comment about her not loving the other boys. We have three sons at home. My son that she was cuddle with is my step-son. The other two boys are my sons.

    I know she is a great mother and she treats them the same and I regret ever thinking and implying she wasn’t. She didn’t lash out we moved past it. Said our I love you’s and went about normal operations. The next day she went to her parents house to have dinner and to see long time family friends. I did not respect her time with her parents and bugged her through text messages. I realized what I did and said I love you and left her alone for the rest of the day. I knew she was annoyed though. There is a 15 hour time difference from where she is and I am so we are at opposite times of the day. The next day I saw pictures of her get together with her parents. Everyone was pictured except for my two sons and her father. Feeling insecure again I asked her if the boys were there. She said yes of course they were. They were watching football. I basically implied that she was a bad mom again and preferred her son and was treating the other two differently. I did not say this but my actions did. She did not cut back and moved past it. We said our I love you’s and goodbyes for the day.

    The next day operations were not normal. I texted and she texted back but her responses were short. I did not react negatively. I just figured she was frustrated with day to day life and doing everything all by herself for a month now. We said normal goodbyes and I love you’s and continued on for the four days. But during the four days she responded to me with quick short responses as she did the first day. I could feel something was wrong. On the fifth day I greeted her in the morning as I usually do but she didn’t really want to converse with me. I asked her what was wrong. She said nothing she was just tired and didn’t want to talk right now. I kept pushing her to talk and asking what was wrong because I was being selfish and wanted fix things now. She was getting irritated and gave me several opportunities to just go to bed but I kept pushing. Then she got mad told me she hated me and wanted a divorce. She also told me that she wrote an email about a week before but was afraid to send. I told her to send it and she did. I said the same thing she texted to me. She said I broke her, I lost her trust, and that she would never get past this. She was talking about was my last big mess up and every other disrespectful thing I have done to her. The mess up is that I drank was too much and blacked out. I embarrassed her in public by calling her bad names. I got into a physical altercation with the neighbors. In the heat of the moment while I was physically fighting with others she tried to calm me down and I pushed her in her face and she tripped and fell. I do not remember any of this. I am only recounting as she told me.

    I broke down and cried when she told me. She forgave me but it’s part of the reason for her hurt she expressed to me and what she said broke her and is what she cannot move past. I just took every hateful and cutting word she said. She said everything she new would push my buttons. I did not respond negatively like I normally do because I am trying to change. I told her I did not understand why. I did not realize what I had done to her the weekend prior with my insensitive comments and insecurity until I went back and read through old messages and put two and two together. I kept asking for an explanation why and she told me it is not for me to understand. It is thanks to her I did not make things any worse because she brought me back to God this summer while I was back at home. I knew inside I needed God’s help to be successful in my change.

    We went to church every Sunday before I left and it seemed God was talking to us directly. I could feel his power and the power of prayer. I was changing but change takes time. God’s will is the plan I was working but I did not communicate this to my wife so she did not know I was trying to change. The only thing I ever communicated was that I would seek counseling, which I had every intention of doing after the big mess up but when things were “good” again I did not follow through. When she asked me if I thought about counseling one time while I have been here I told her I was not going to do it. Which is probably not helping the situation now.

    Since, her expression of hate to me I have since promised to seek counseling through the church, which I have never tried but have faith will work. I had participated in traditional clinical counseling in the past but could not buy in to what they were saying. I have continued going to go to church every Sunday since I have been gone, began studying the Bible again and pray a lot. I believe this is the right step toward change on my part. Told my wife during the revelation of her feelings to me that I will still love her no matter what she did or says to me I know I hurt her and was going to do everything to prove I was changing not just cheap talk. The big problem though is that she cannot see me everyday. She told me to leave her alone. Not to call, text or email.

    I gave her a few days thinking she would cool off like she usually does but she remained firm. She even told me to have someone come get my boys that she did not want them with her anymore. I don’t think she meant it because I know what kind of person she is but I’m not sure. I have called the boys on my older son’s phone and the kids are happy as ever. But today I texted her well wished and she said that she wanted them gone again. She loves them and I know she would never treat them bad. She told me again not to call or text. So I am not going to. I told her I have been writing letter and she can just choose read them or not but they would be there. How do I save my marriage with this communication barrier and without being home? She is filled with so much resentment toward me.

  5. Please pray for me. August 25, 2016 my husband of 6.5 years told me he wanted a divorce. I was devastated. Since then I have turned to God like never before and have chosen to stand for my marriage. My husband has been sneaking around, hiding his phone, leaving the house to sit in his car and talk to someone for hours. He says he loves me but can’t do it anymore. He tells me we are toxic together (argue, harsh words, feelings of neglect, disrespect and resentment).

    I have found myself derailed numerous times and find it hard to stay encouraged. My husband is a Christian and was the one who brought me to God, but it is evident he has turned away from his own faith. I comb the scriptures for anything having to do with marriage and divorce. My husband makes comments to me about how “at peace” he is with his decision “right now”, and how he feels like this is his only chance for happiness. He is not willing to go to counseling or try to work on our marriage. He says he has to be selfish and not take into account mine or my children’s (not biologically his) feelings. I’ve asked him what he means by “right now” and he says you never know what the future holds. I feel so broken. I feel like he is toying with my emotions because he knows I do not want this divorce. Please help me!