Marriage Missions International

Scriptures on Abuse and Domestic Violence

What does the Bible say about Abuse and Domestic abuse? Does it even address it? The simple answer is YES! And that’s what we’d like you to be aware of because obviously those who believe otherwise need more information than they’ve up until now.

It is NOT ok for one spouse to commit violence against the other. It’s something God hates. And for those of you who are victims of abuse in your marriage, PLEASE don’t be fooled into thinking that you “deserve it” because your spouse tells you this is so and that the Bible even condones it. That is not true.

That’s why we have a whole section dealing with this subject —to help those who visit this web site become more aware of biblical truths concerning abuse.

That is also why we put together this article. The Bible says, “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates” (Psalm 11:5). Anything God “hates” we should take note of and hate and reject as well.

Violence is not something the Lord condones in the home —especially within a Christian marriage where marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church. Those who tell you that the Bible condones abuse in marriage are misguided and wrong.

To help prove this, lets look at what the Bible has to say about abuse. The following are web site links (to Focus Ministries and Suite 101) to articles you can click into so you can read:

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT VIOLENCE AND ABUSE?

WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

These next two articles come from different web sites and hopefully, will help you further see that as Christians, we are wrong if we think that the Lord would sanction or condone abuse in the home.

The first article is written by Fiona Soltes and is posted on the web site for Lifeway Ministries. It gives an overall look at how Christians view abusive relationships and what they can and should do about it. Please click onto the link below to read:

•  AN INSIDE LOOK AT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

This next article is posted on the web site BeenThinking.com where Bible teacher and author Mart De Haan reconsiders how he originally looked at abuse in marriage and what he’s since learned as he’s studied the Bible more in depth on this subject:

MARITAL ABUSE AND THE BIBLE

Another excellent article is posted on Todayschristianwoman.com web site. We believe you will find it helpful for those who are under the opinion that abuse is just about violence to the body. Yes, it is definitely that. But there is a whole mind set and behavioral pattern that includes control issues that go along with it as well.

The author Gwyneth Nelson never thought she would be involved in a marriage rocked by violence and control issues because both she and her husband were Christians. As she said, “I couldn’t believe this was my reality and I couldn’t see a way out.” It’s a sad but true story of two people in love where abusive behavior became a way of life. Please click onto the link provided below to learn from and read:

MY ABUSIVE “CHRISTIAN” MARRIAGE

For those of you who feel imprisoned in marriages where you are experiencing violence, and for those of you who want to know more about how to combat violence in marriage, there are also a number of articles posted on the web site for FOCUS Ministries, Inc. on the subject of Domestic Violence that you might find helpful. Rather than explain each one, we thought you might enjoy choosing which one most applies to your Christian marriage. To choose which articles you would like to read:

CLICK HERE

May we always:

“Remember those in prison
as if you were their fellow prisoners,
and those who are mistreated
as if you yourselves were suffering”

(Hebrews 13:3).

If you are a victim of abuse, we pray the above scriptures, and what you have learned in this article, the additional linked articles provided, plus what is posted on the Marriage Missions web site — particularly in the “Abuse in Marriage” section, will help you to reach out to the Lord and those He provides to assist you, to find a place of safety and peace.

If you are an abuser, we pray your eyes will be opened and you will reach out to the Lord and those who can best help you, to stop the violence you are committing against your spouse, and bring peace into your home.

If you are a friend, family member, church member, and/or someone who can make a difference to help those who are oppressed, we pray the Lord will empower and lead you to do what it takes to bring help, hope and peace into homes that are racked by violence.

This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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36 Responses to “Scriptures on Abuse and Domestic Violence”
  1. Malas says:

    (PHILIPPINES) I have been in an emotional, verbal and physically abusive marriage too long. I can only admit it now because of many instances and last Jan 3, my husband passed away due to colon cancer.

  2. Sandy says:

    (USA)  I am constantly crying and feel very fragile. At times because of my faith and my worship, I get picked up. But, the words my husband says to me every 3 to 6 months hurt. They dig deeper and deeper into the scar that now seems to deep to heal.

    I love Him, but I hate what He is doing to me. I know others tell me it’s not Him and it’s the devil. But, come on… 26 years is too long to keep blaming the devil. I am so scared. I have cried out to God. I don’t want a divorce. But… his constant put downs and NON-DISPLAY OF AFFECTION leaves me feeling so lonely, so alone.

    He goes to church, yet doesn’t really seem like He did. It leaves me feeling confused and sad. As if know one can really help me. I cry out to God. Please help me. Please… Please… I am aging more rapidly with all this loss of sleep and loneliness.

    I have decided to step down from worship, because it’s too embarrassing how he treats me in hope that everything will go back to normal. And I know it will, but only to lasts for a few months, until He belittles me again or verbally abuses me. What can I do Lord?

  3. Dennis says:

    (RSA)  The secret place, your right to divine protection. Please notice that for the man who fears the Lord, there is a place prepared for, called God circle blessings. From, Pastor D

  4. Carol says:

    (UNITED STATES)  Recently, as in the last week, our former youth pastor was convicted of and sentenced to prison for having sex with his step daughter. (He had been in her life since she was 3 years of age.) This has divided a church and I am so torn as to how I am to react, interact and minister to this family. The wife is determined to save the marriage and the daughter has shut down and doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. I have a hard time believing in restoration of this marriage. It pains me to see what message this sends to their children.

    I know God hates violence, I know God hates sexual immorality and I also know that God forgives his people. I don’t know what to say to the wife and even more what to say to the victim. I know this is not an easy question but I can’t not understand why you would stay and even more why you would WANT to stay.

    My question is really to help me sort this out so I don’t say the stupid thing when we talk about this. I don’t want to remain silent if there is loving truth I can say.

    • Ann says:

      (US)  Carol–The story you shared is mindblowing–surprisingly not so much regarding the youth pastor molesting or raping his daughter, but the wife wanting to restore this marriage. Christianity can really get screwed up when we’re hearing so many messages. I know that we are under grace and not law but this is sick. Under law this man would probably have been put to death, while under grace he is certainly forgiven because of the blood of Jesus; however Jesus cares about the victim too.

      Paul talked about a similiar situation in 1 Cor. when he rebuked the church for allowing a man who was having an affair with his stepmother to continue fellowshipping. He said that this was something that even gentiles would not have tolerated. Not only should this man be put out of fellowship but that marriage has definitely become dishonorable. The daughter has been hurt and tramautized and will need to be loved into wholeness. How can that happen if she sees her mother protecting the very one who hurt her.

      Yes God can help the daughter forgive and can bring healing into that family but would he want to save the marriage at the expense of the broken daughter? This to me paints a picture of a wickedly twisted and perverted God. It also says alot about the wife–perhaps she has been abused and is unable to fully grasp the severity and the darkness of this situation.

      Jesus came to give us life and he says that he delivered us from the power of darkness. This is very dark. I would be praying that the wife get help as well as the husband and daughter. God specializes in restoration so it does not seem impossible to me that everyone involved can be healed, restored, and delivered. If I were talking to the wife I would encourage her to seek counseling because I really do believe that she herself has experienced abuse of some kind. She is not emotionally stable. Children look to their parents to protect them. If one parent is not able you’d expect the other parent to do whatever neccessary to protect. I truly pray that our loving Father guides your church into being able to handle this the way the Holy Spirit would lead as well as the actual individuals involved.

      • Thom says:

        (US)  Ann, I am sure that your response is not quite biblical. You cannot say God is loving and forgiving in the same sentence with perversion. Your response exposes the fact that your feelings and emotions are driving your thoughts, which the Bible calls unstable. The truth is that if this woman chooses reconciliation, that is her decision. It is not an unbiblical one. Whether I or you think it is right or wrong or even foolish, it is a decision is that hers to make. God is not a pervert or wicked for guiding her to do so if indeed God is moving her by His Spirit.

        This is by far unwise counsel. I believe until you or Carol are able to speak encouragement and words of hope and comfort that are not tainted by your emotions and opinions, the best counsel you can give is to NOT say anything because it is blantantly obvious that you are not being led by the Spirit. Blessings!

        • Diane says:

          (USA)  Thom, she is speaking Biblical… Proverbs also admonishes violence and says to have nothing to do with wickedness. Abusing a child is wickedness. Jesus said it is better for a man to have a millstone tied to his neck and cast in the river than to cause harm to a child. The infidelity of the abuse is grounds for divorce!

          I understand there is room to be forgiving but a person’s character needs to be proven to the victims… And a clear compassion needs to be bestowed upon all… Including the young girl-first and foremost. The wife is putting her own desires for marriage (whose vows were broken) before her daughter’s need to heal. That perpetuates the abuse on the child. The mother is being insensitive to the daughter’s needs. She was her daughter’s mother before she was that man’s wife. She should heal from her idolization of marriage.

          God did not extend a cheap Grace, nor should we.

    • Diane says:

      (USA)  The mother is more concerned about her marriage than about helping her daughter heal. Advise that the Lord hates violence more than he hates divorce… It is her responsibility to help her daughter heal… And she needs to heal herself from her own neediness of marriage… A separation would be healthiest for all… Especially as long as the husband needs counseling and as long as her daughter needs to heal.

    • Jennifer says:

      (USA) I am just curious what happened to this family. I noticed the original post was from December 2010. Were you able to resolve your own feelings about the situation in order to minister to the families needs? Did the family seek out counseling? Obviously the mother didn’t enable the abuser because a conviction was garnered. It is obvious with a conviction involved a separation would have occurred in the family as well which would have lead to a cooling off period for the mother and the daughter. Did they seek counseling and has the family since healed?

  5. THELMA says:

    (US)  I work for a DV shelter in Wisconsin. I have seen a lot of very sad situations. God keeps me at peace, I often feel like I want to save the world but I can’t do it all. I’m moving to GA soon and I want to work with the abusers. We have so many programs for the ladies but until we deal with the abusers we’re going in circles. I feel they should be counseled, mentored & taught what GOD SAYS ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!! I’m really hoping I could connect with a shelter in or shelters in GA.

    • Tony says:

      (USA)  Why assume the victims are all women? People abuse. It’s not a gender trait, it’s a character trait. Stop speaking as if the victims are all women and the abusers are all men.

      When a woman divorces her husband, and 2/3rds of all divorces are initiated by women, and only about 6% of those husbands divorced are adulterous or abusive, (redundant since cheating on your spouse is emotional abuse) that means the other 94% of women (and men, but we are talking about those who file the majority of divorce actions right now) who walk out or kick out their husbands are emotionally abusing their husbands, if not other types of abuse.

      So please, get the false notion out of your head that women are a minority of abusers. They are as sinful as men and simply choose different means, means that society doesn’t currently consider abusive to perpetrate their abuse. So by all means, deal with the abusers, ALL the abusers.

      Remember, there are no excuses for abuse, not physical abuse, not verbal abuse, nor emotional abuse. So any abuser, man or woman cannot hide or shift blame due to some circumstance they wish to present.

      Women who claim they fell out of love with their husbands are simply using the form of argument that is rejected from male abusers. We don’t accept “she made me do it” from male abusers, and we need to stop accepting it from the women who say, “he made me do it” when they claim if only their husband would have been more _________, or less _______, when they choose to divorce him and take his kids in search of her happiness. That is abusive to her husband and her children. Where is the outrage?

      • Louie says:

        (UNITED STATES)  You are right not all abusers are men some are women. The fact is; the real fact that there is less than 10 % that are male victims. Now it is a fact that approximately 90% of abusers are men. So don’t get upset when people say or refer to abusers as men or he. Now if you were talking about child abuse you could reverse those stats and say women are the perdominate abusers. The argument is not who does it the most or who did this or that. Why should you ask for a divorce even matter like there is some excuse to a abuser’s behavior? There is not one. Abuser’s make a choice, it’s not a sickness, it’s a learned behavior in certain cases, it is a power & control issue. There is no excuse for it.

      • Dawn says:

        (UNITED STATES) Tony, just to remind you, don’t always go by appearances or even words. My “husband” filed divorce against me in ’98. I was going to separate from him for a time because he was yelling, threatening and there were several other problems… but one night he tried to pick me up and shove me out of the house. I called the police. I came back to get clothing and such for me and our daughters and had made arrangements to stay with a friend temporarily. Divorce was not on my mind, but solving the problems was.

        He had filled out divorce papers but not filed them. The pastor was at the house; I walked in and handed him and my “husband” a drink I had bought them on my way. Our two young daughters were right behind me. All of a sudden, his brother swooped around, grabbed the girls and took off! His vehicle was no where to be seen and I noticed in the next instant the kitchen phone was GONE. All of a sudden, I realized I might be in danger. I took off to find a phone, called the police hysterically then went back to the empty house. When police arrived, I was cleaning up a picture I’d smashed (I’d grabbed it, instinctively, and smashed it to gain a few moments when I realized the betrayal and no way to call for help) and I was in emotional shock.

        Next thing I knew, I was being sent to the hospital because I was allegedly “homicidal”. I spent a week there before I realized I was actually free to leave, as I never fulfilled any of the bogus criteria. In meantime, husband filed for divorce and shut down our joint banking, taking it all for himself. I went through many months of being terrorized (and again, hospitalized via his lies). He didn’t want a divorce, he told me. He had been FORCED, so he lied (as I learned this past year or so), to file that and for “temporary custody-emergency”. He wanted a divorce, but the other thing I learned recently was that the “settlement” his attorney drew up would NEVER have stood up in Court… it awarded him EVERYTHING except for our broken down car with no heat. I would be “allowed” to visit my children in the presence of “husband” or his parents, ONLY. So I gave in, thinking that was what I would “get”. By now, I had been misdiagnosed with mental illness I DID NOT have and panic attacks were totally missed by the doctors.

        A little over a year later, he started it all again, filling out the paperwork, threatening me … so I went down and filed. I only wish I had been smart enough to have filed his papers, because our children thought I deserted them. I figured if I went peaceably, maybe I wouldn’t have to go through the hell I did. I was wrong. The hell started back up AFTER the divorce was final. “Husband” and his mother colluded to keep the children from me, lied to them, telling them I had bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia, and “mo-in-law” told a 10 and 11 year old that “mommy is going to kill you”. They worked to get me under restricted and supervised visitation … his many overt denials to allow visitation were NEVER addressed by the Court and when I tried to get a restraining order because of his threats and yelling when I did exercise visitation were terrifying to me, as well as our daughters, who would refuse to come with me, hiding … well, that ended up getting me put in jail, because when the restraining order was refused (I didn’t know you have to file it in the divorce Court), I was hit with contempt for trying to protect our children. I don’t care though, I refused to answer the judge and hand children over to a terrorizing bully.

        So even when the woman files, it might not be what it “seems” and what the other person says (and I am sure that applies to men as well). All of his lies, the collusion with his relatives and this “pastor” who betrayed my trust ended up with me being seen as a lunatic, totally non-credible, etc. Funny thing though, despite his continued post divorce bullying… I got BETTER over time. I ended up, though HAVING to come back to this “marriage” as I was advised there was no way the custody would ever be changed in my favor. So, I did… but only after a year or so of trying to determine if problems and emotions would be handled differently. Seemed so… and that was approximately 6-7 years ago.

        2 years ago, he filed divorce again… he was having an affair with a married woman who he thought would marry him. I was more assertive and wouldn’t do what he told me to do. He ordered me out of “his” house (of which he cheated me $10,000 in equity in previous divorce, though that was not my total “loss”). I refused as I learned more of my rights and treatment for the PTSD INJURIES I sustained at his hands (and his cronies) had helped, plus I spent much time in my Bible and my relationship with the Lord. So he is trying to reduce me to financial ruin, since I wouldn’t obey. I have a judgment against him for over $5,000… he ignores it. I AM THE ONLY ONE expected to follow Court orders. My car keeps breaking down, so I will probably lose my other job… a bitter blow for someone who lives 20 miles from “civilization”. He refuses to make a settlement. well, he made one offer and rescinded it after I spent about $300 going over it with my attorney and accepting it.

        Personally, I wish someone WOULD make some changes… DV or spousal bullying shouldn’t mean the target has to run away and give up everything, especially after having their world turned upside down from abuse. And churches? Well I’ve tried to get the leaders of the churches to speak with him, take some action, but apparently, that’s not okay with them, despite the many mentions of reproof and responsibility for erring brothers and sisters. He and his mother are both church members and supposedly, Christians, although I sure don’t see it. It really angers me that not only will they not speak with him (impotent god?) but protect or help? I was actually TOLD, twice that I should go, “since I was unhappy there”.

        All I can say, is my Lord removed me from a toxic situation and healed my mind and restored me… even to the point that up til all broke loose, things were fairly smooth and our children doing much better. The Lord has gotten me through, though I cry a great deal at times (mostly when I am doing car repairs… brakes, replacing lug studs, cable shifters, belts and all… because it often is a lot harder and takes longer and makes me late to work and I have nobody to help me); I am under a great deal of emotional stress and get a lot of our daughter’s anger (I hear it is because I’m the “safe” adult). My Lord isn’t impotent and I sure would like it if some church had one… like the Lord God revealed in the Bible. So appearances, as is also stated therein, can BE deceiving. I too blamed myself for much that I learned had nothing to do with me… and my husband remains living next door, with his mother… and those two “Christians” act as if I was dead, or non-existent. And honestly, I wish I was financially in a place to leave… but I’m not, unless I want to live in my car… and I don’t know how much longer it’s going to hold out.

  6. "Soldierswife says:

    (USA)  I have been married for almost 5 years, my husband is a soldier in the army and has been on 4 deployments through our marriage. So he is always gone. I know he has PTSD, but has not been diagnosed, because he is afraid it will mess his career up. He has been emotionally and verbally abusing me for a long time time. He puts me down a lot, I can’t do anything right. I try and talk to him on yahoo messenger, he just ignores me or says stuff like I don’t feel like talking. He does this when he is home too. It gets to the point where he will say mean stuff like I’m mentally unstable because I’m sad that he has been gone almost our whole marriage, he calls me fat, he says I’m a bad parent because I spoil our son. He is so nice to everyone else but me. He never tells me I’m pretty, he never says he misses me. He just doesn’t say anything hardly and then when he does its mean and hurtful.

    I wish I knew what to do. I’m lost right now because the last marriage I was in he beat me, and to tell you the truth, I would rather have phyiscal scars that heal then this feeling I have in my soul and heart from the emotional and verbal abuse. I am lost and need lots of prayers.

    • ROCHELY says:

      (UNITED STATE)  Soldiers wife, My situation is exactly as yours… Everything you posted I am living it too! I feel lost and confused. I am thinking separation will be the best thing to do. I was advised to talk to his commander for help.

      • Diane says:

        (USA)  Please, both of you, realize you can do something to change your situation. Contact domestic violence services in your area. Seek counseling for yourselves. You can learn how to respond to your husbands’ differently to be stronger yourselves. Trust me- the longer it takes you to do something the weaker you will become and the less likely your husband’s can get better too!

        You also have to be a healthy person and living like that is not healthy… Not for you or your children. Make yourselves stronger and less dependent. Otherwise you won’t have options if it gets worse. You won’t get the respect you deserve unless you give it to yourself and expect it from others.

        I hear your compassion for the PTSD… But that doesn’t give license to be an abuser. It is an illness that needs treatment. Also, the reality is abuse is an illness too -that is also treatable. Getting yourselves out from underneath it is your right and is completely up to you to do. I’m praying for you and countless others.

  7. Jo says:

    (US)  Please pray for me and my 3 kids. I’ve been in a very physical and emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to lose faith. God please show me the way. I’m so lost. I feel defeated…

  8. Rose says:

    (UNITED STATES)  Jo, you can get out. You have biblical grounds for divorce. God doesn’t expect or want you to be abused and oppressed. He can restore you and give you back all the years the locusts have stolen. Keep heart and don’t give up. Focus and plan how to get out and how much God loves you. You may want to move in with your family or contact a local shelter. God Bless.

  9. Debbie says:

    (USA)  Thanks for this article. My ex-husband abused me and then blamed me for the abuse, totally defaming my character to other people and seeking to humiliate me, destroy my career, and almost everything he ever told me about himself is a lie. Although we had no children together (thank God!), he still will not let go and refuses to accept the relationship is over.

    Almost everyone who knew him when we met thought he was wonderful. Most of the people at my church see him for the deceitful and ungodly person he is, thankfully. However, con artist that he is, he contacted my university and they seem to have fallen for his lies and his concerned act, and my reputation is damaged because of his defamatory remarks about me. When I finally had to involve the police because he is stalking me, I was told by the police officer I initially talked to that he sees no reason for alarm and my ex seems “concerned” about me. Sometimes I feel guilty, as if I’m the one who is a bad person because he is able to fool people, who seem to just believe his lies. I know the thought that I am somehow to blame for all this is a lie straight from hell, though, and I fight against those thoughts. It helps to know how seriously God takes abuse and that he is for me.

  10. Amanda says:

    (UK) I have been married for 8 years. My husband was recently physically abusive to me for the second time. It is not a regular occurance, but last time it happened I told myself that I wouldn’t let it happen again. It is made worse by the fact that I am pregnant with our third child.

    Until recently my biggest desire has been to fix our marriage, but I am now questioning whether this can happen. Last time he promised it would never happen again and the breech of trust is huge -then in every breath he justifies what he did. I drove him to it by disobeying, by being contentious, by deliberately ‘pushing his buttons’. I am not always the most repectful wife, but to obey someone whose attitude is so unloving towards me is so hard. Mostly I fear, that one day our children will be on the receiving end of this.

    Although the physical abuse is rare, he exhibits controlling behaviour which makes it harder for me to consider leaving. He has ensured that I do not develop friendships, I have no access to money and on occasion, he has locked me in the house and hidden the key.

    I could not attend church last week -my husband leads worship, and the thought of keeping up a ‘happy families’ image, was too much for me.

    He has agreed to talk to our pastor -but his version of events has already changed -he says I was physical with him first. I am scared of what the future holds, either with or without him. I entered a covenant when we married and would not break it lightly, but I cannot honestly say that I love him at this moment in time. Please would anyone who reads this pray that I would be able to stay calm and humble, but that most of all God’s will be done in our situation and may He protect our children from any harm?

    • Mojo says:

      (USA) Amanda, I know how hard it is to be in this situation and to feel you’re not only breaking up your family, but betraying God by considering leaving an abusive relationship. I’m in the process of leaving my husband for the same reasons. I can tell you that the abuse only continues and progressively increases with each cycle. Don’t listen to the promises, apologies, etc., as their purpose is only to get you back into your abuser’s clutches.

      After years of tolerating verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, as well as severe isolation, I can tell you that being alone is far better than the painful, never-healing cuts on your feet you get from walking on all those sharp eggshells. My husband was a well-respected, church-going attorney and he even started a battered women’s shelter in our community before I met him. He is charming, handsome, successful, etc… However, it seems his cruelty and insistence on control knows no boundaries. His abuse was subtle initially, and only verbal at first. Unfortunately, once these men learn they can physically harm you (and unfortunately the kids) and you will stay, it just escalates. My husband became so tyrannical he even barred my older children from coming to our home and having any contact with my younger children for several years in an attempt to isolate us and maintain control. He did this after the older children were old enough to see what was truly happening in our home and called him on it. I have terrible guilt for tolerating it, and looking back from my own new home (I left him with the kids for good) safe, and apart from him, I don’t even know who that person was that obligingly went along with this ghastly annihilation of my family. I let this happen out of fear as he said if I let my older children come home, he would take my younger ones and we would never see them again. I was paralyzed with fear and stuck in a quagmire of confusion.

      Break free while you can, before your head is so messed up by the continued abuse that you can’t see straight, or make a competent decision. My heart is with you!

  11. I cannot state my name says:

    (UNITED STATES) My husband is not physically abusive. However, over the course of our marriage, he has made me do things that are so shameful I have a difficult time stating them, even under the veil of anonymity. He has involved other men in our sexual relationship. I have dealt with STD’s as a result. It hasn’t happened in the past few years ~ when we moved from a metropolitan area to a rural area.

    If I don’t please him, he withholds affection. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t have to change for me, and that if God wanted him to change, He would make him. We are a “Christian” couple, attend church regularly, and I try to be involved in ministry as much as possible, though he doesn’t like it when I am. I work one day a week and get paid monthly. When I receive my check, I must cash it and give him the entire amount. I used to try to hold back $5-$10, just in case I needed it. However, lately, he has been asking to see my check stubs.

    Others around us don’t see the abuse, as it is hidden so well. I am very adept at putting on the “happy facade” and making others believe that nothing is wrong. But EVERYTHING is wrong. My husband calls me a “control freak”, but I don’t even have control of my own life. He tells me how much gas money I can have for the week (under the guise of “we don’t have very much money” or “we need to save money”). I am not allowed to have any spending money at all, without his permission. If I do have to purchase something, he gives me the exact amount or requests the change after the purchase. He always wants the receipt. Usually he puts the gasoline in my car, but if I do, again, he wants the receipt, to make sure I didn’t save any for myself.

    I am so sorry for going on like this, but I have not been able to speak of this to anyone out of fear of what may happen if he finds out. Thank you for allowing me to describe my situation. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN.

    • Mika says:

      (USA) Sister, I pray deeply for you! First off, know that God is there with you! And I believe you must speak out to someone. You need another Godly couple to talk with or some counseling at your church. Keep saying spiritual confessions over him daily. Trouble doesn’t last always and I pray that you become an even stronger woman once things get better. I have learned that arguing back does nothing, but prayer does everything!!!! I pray it never gets physical. We are not given a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. Continue to use the power we have thru Jesus Christ to drive the enemy out of your marriage.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      The abuse you are experiencing may not be physical, but it is definitely sexual and financial and emotional abuse, keeping you “in line” to do what your husband decides he wants from you. That’s a type of slavery instead of a marriage. You need to talk to someone. This needs to be brought out into the light. As long as it is left in darkness, it can perpetuate and grow. It needs to stop. There are a lot of control issues going on in your marital “relationship” that go beyond reason. Please contact at least one of the web sites we link to in the “Links and Resource Descriptions” part of the “Abuse in Marriage” topic of this web site. You need to wisdom from those who work with this type of control to learn how to best stop this abusive behavior. I hope you will. I pray God’s wisdom and boldness and help in this.

  12. ISAAC says:

    (INDIA) I’ve written an article on this issue. You may read it by clicking on http://isaacmani.blogspot.in/2012/08/abusive-marriage.html#.UB-nevbib0c

  13. Stacy says:

    (USA) The husbands job is to love his wife as Jesus loved the church. Tell as many head advisors in the church as you can. Don’t keep this secret. God wants honesty and truth. Do not live in fear or a lie. Expose your husband so that you both may be healed. God bless you.

  14. Shelia says:

    (USA) I have been married going on 2 decades to a well respected “deacon.” Our first year of marriage, while on vacation, he masturbated while watching a porn site in our hotel room. The volume was down so he thought I was asleep. When he “finished” doing his business, I knew that I could never trust him again. He was into porn before we married but he said that once we married, he had gotten over it.

    There have been Christian counselors who warned him that his unchecked behavior would destroy our marriage. But, he claims to have had a miraculous healing from the Lord regarding this issue. However, last year, he did admit to me that he has a lust problem. When I responded with anger, he told me that he only said because he knew it was what I wanted to hear!

    He is a loved, honored, and adored as a true man of God. He has told me countless times that if I have really forgiven him, I will forget about the past and stop bringing it up to him. That would be somewhat easier to do if he would show that his behavior has consistently changed. I’m always catching him starting at attractive women at church, restaurants, etc.

    I have no family and no where to go. So, I have emotionally withdrawn from him and await for this sordid ordeal to be over.

  15. Deb says:

    (US) I’m married to a man with an explosive temper. He is not my children’s father. He has cussed & argued in front of my boys. I try asking him not to do that in front of them. Recently an argument escalated to him grabbing me by my arms & pulling me out the door to make me go with him. This is the second time he has grabbed me. I’ve left the house twice. Once he locked us out. I am confused & afraid to go back. I have to consider what I’m doing to my boys. We have only been married 18 months. It seems nothing I do is right & he says it’s all my fault. I’m walking on eggshells & he doesn’t understand my silence. I pray everyday for answers. I feel like I made a big mistake getting remarried.

  16. Gloria says:

    (USA) I feel for all these women. I too have been verbally and physically abused by my husband. We have been together 13 years. He has always cheated on me and abused me. I have left him before but I went back; he knew all the right things to say. He doesn’t cheat now but now he is very jealous and all he cares about is having sex. He says that is how he feels loved. I love him but I hate when I feel obligated to have sex.

    I have to bathe and have sex when he wants to. He drinks a fifth of tequila a night and gets very verbally abusive. I go to bed when this happens but he wakes me up to call me names. When I left him I felt so at peace like a big weight had been lifted. I am afraid to leave for fear he may hurt me. Like one woman wrote it is horrible to walk on egg shells; it is like that for me everyday.

    I’m not going to lie I cheated on my husband once and have lived everyday with this regret, and he never lets me forget. I really just want to not be afraid anymore, to be at peace. I pray everyday that God will give me the strength I need to overcome this. I helped my husband get help for his drinking. I’ve held down two jobs to make ends meet. When he got out of rehab I helped him get a job. He is still there but his sobriety didn’t last. What can I do?

  17. Marcie says:

    (USA) I’m 51 years old survivor of childhood sexual assault by my father from the time I was 11 till I was 15. I have been through therapy and have worked very hard to overcome it and become the person that God had intended me to be. From 15 to 30 I stayed away from church and God, blaming Him for what happened (my family never missed a church service during the abuse, which caused me to equate abuse with Christianity); I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t protected by God when we were going to His church. Then at 30, I began to realize that the distorted faith of my parents was not what God intended for his people and that the abuse was not sanctioned by Him. I was able to reconcile with God and I have to say that is when my true healing began. I love God and wanted to honor Him in all I do. For the next 30 years I tried to grow a better relationship with my mother but there was always something in the way. I always suspected that she blames me for being sexually abused and that I caused it, but then, as a mother myself, I would tell myself I must be imagining it, a mother could never think that of her child. Then last August when during one of my mother’s angry outburst she said that I was nothing more than a wh*** when I was a kid. When I reminded her that I was only 11 she said “then you were an 11 year old wh*** who seduced you dad.” Up till that moment the only explanation she ever gave for staying with my dad was financial.

    I’m here to tell you that at that moment I felt the earth crumble under my feet and an old wound that I had worked for years to heal was ripped back open. I ended up suffering severe depression for about a month. Then my very wise pastor and close friend of 20 years told me to get up and get over what was going on and find out what God wanted. She also told me that I had to forgive my mother, but sometimes the only way to honor her is to stay away from her and not treat her the way that she really deserves to be treated. But I do not have to suffer one more day of abusive treatment just to honor God, God does not want that.

    At that time I had not spoken of my abuse to many people, for fear of angering my mother but since I have shared with my church family and have found that this has been so freeing for me. I no longer worry about building a relationship with someone who will always reject me, I have been able to share what God has done for me, and through my testimony, was asked to help build a new program to support domestic violence victims in our area. I believe that if I would have continued to try and please my mother, I would have never answered this call. So even now I am claiming that night in August for God’s Glory.

    I am still sad that my mother has missed out on a loving mother-daughter relationship and that she is so angry and unhappy. However, I know that God will take all those things that happened to me and will use them for His Glory. And most important I believe that I have truly been released from the burden of that unhealthy relationship which has allowed me to grow closer to and rely more firmly on God.

  18. Nyk from United States says:

    I have been in a relationship with a verbally abusive, angry man. Our fights have been hideous and we have 5 children who witness them regularly. I realized early in our marriage that the man my husband pretended to be before we were married was not who he was at all.

    Although I am a Christian, I began running from the marriage and almost became dependent on alcohol as a form of escape. I continued praying for myself and my husband, and it seems 5 years later, we are not much better off then we were 5 years ago. I was praying this summer and believe God gave me a release to leave this marriage, but seeking counsel, from my pastor at church, was told basically to stay.

    I do want to honor God, but my husband’s anger and rage and lovelessness hurts. I used to cry everyday and wish for death, mine or his, didn’t matter. I used to dream of the day I would no longer be in this living hell. I have begun to seek God and find peace in his love, but it’s still hard everyday. I pray and anoint my husband, I’m trying to stay strong spiritually to contend with him, although I know he is not my enemy, but I wrestle against principalities, powers, rulers and spiritual wickedness in high places. Some things I truly believe are generational and bloodline curses, and although he says he’s a believer, I see little fruit in his life. I know he doesn’t believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, and I’m afraid he is defenseless to stop doing what he is doing.

    I see my 18 month old imitating his yelling which is hurtful to me to think I could raise another generation such as he is, so I continue to pray for our 3 sons at home, 7 altogether, and 3 girls (2 at home) that they will know the freeing love of Christ and not get caught in this vicious cycle. I pray that if God’s will is for me to leave he’ll let me know and I’ll be obedient and strong to get out. If God wants me to stay I pray for the ability to do it in a way that brings glory and honor to him, today and every day.

    I pray for my husband to really come to know Christ and to receive his love and be washed free from all of the anger and hatred, and fear (and insecurity) that lead and direct his life.

    I know God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think and to Him be all glory, honor and power. His will be done in every situation mentioned in this posting. I pray for every family, every husband and wife to come to know the saving, healing power of Christ’s love. I pray for men and women to stand strong, and to have the strength to move when God says move. I pray for wisdom guidance and godly counsel. I pray for direction and most of all that the power of the Holy Spirit would fill each home (including my own) and bring deliverance and healing, forgiveness and love. I pray all these things in Jesus name. Amen

  19. Vicki from United States says:

    I wanted someone to love and for him to love me. We got married and I believed the love would grow even stronger with wisdom and maturity. He knew I was told that I might not be able to have children, but I wanted a child, (a child is the biggest blessing there is). After a year I became pregnant. He wanted me to choose. I told him that I loved him but could not kill what was in me. He has anger issues and walked off his job 3 years into the marriage; our son was a toddler.

    He wanted to work for himself. My parents kept our son a few miles down the road and I seldom saw him because I worked 12 hour shift work and overtime on my days off. This lasted for four years as he tried different things. He had planned for me to quit and help him travel to shows. He was in sales, and I homeschooled our son 4th, 5th, & 6th grade. I could not have done it without my parents help. Then our son went to a private school for 7th grade, they paid for, and a lot more financial help thru the years.

    He emotionally was abusive with his words with our son and me. I cannot say them because I know it would be too vulgar. He always came across as charming and smart to others. Some could see some of his temper but not the whole picture. I was good at hiding a lot of it and our son was of strong character. The physical abuse was bad, not as bad as the verbal. It was also embarrassing to us, so we didn’t’ tell, and he kept me isolated. He’s a controller.

    My son and I were far from being right. I don’t back down, but also I’m a survivor. He had food issues. He bought the best for himself, 2nd best for me and 3rd best for our son. When our son was young, 7 or 8, we had steak one night and he threw his in the yard and told him to eat it now. He picked it up and as he was rinsing it off he told him he hoped he got sick. I could do nothing except to choke mine down to keep it from getting worse. It was not unusual to have food thrown at me. I cleaned, worked in the office, in the yard, did a man’s job because it paid a dollar more (shift work), carried health insurance as he was figuring out what he wanted to do and any time I cooked (which I’m not very good at) he fussed so a lot of food was thrown in my face. Mom always kept the freezer that they bought, full of all kind of hand shelled peas, cooked mustard and turnip greens, vegetable soup, Brunswick stew, cakes from scratch, ect…

    By the time our son was in the 12th grade, he told him he could only eat the cheap hotdogs (he would get two different kinds) and ramen soup. For some reason our son would accept and adapt, but that made him mad so he told him he had to get a job and buy his own. Our son had a strawberry birthmark on his chin so because of peer pressure I would not agree to him getting a job until he graduated, which was just a few months away. He and I started Christian Marriage Counseling and Marriage Matters thru the Church. Then he and our son got into it (a broken promise and a hotdog) and he hit our son in the back of the head with a wrench. Our son stayed with one of his friends and his parents and finished school, 2009. I tried for 3 more years, it only got worse. I had told him that maybe we could work on our relationship over the holidays and after the 1st of the year I was going to visit and help Mom, because Dad had to get chemo and radiation, Mon. – Fri., for 6 months.

    On Nov. 6, 2012, he grabbed my face squeezed it and punched the pillow several times. That was the first time that I felt like he wanted me dead. I didn’t say a word. The next day I called my Mom and they came and I’ve been in a different state since Nov. 15, 2012. Since then he has told me that his temper scared himself twice, once, when he spit in my face and when he grabbed my face. He also slipped up and told my Dad that he couldn’t sell the house because he had to sign a disclosure stating that he knew it had a black mold problem (I have COPD) he had POA over me at the time. He told our son he wasn’t able to work because he was too distraught since I left.

    He wouldn’t let our son live with him and he has two places to live. Our son also has lived with my parents. Sometime in September our son came to live with my parents and me. That’s when I told him he was old enough to be responsible for the decisions he makes and we could start a friendship that a parent and child should have. My son, one beautiful night, told me he had to show me something, so he took me down a country road. The moon was bright shining thru the pecan trees. When we got to the stop sign he told me to open my door. I did. He then told me to look down at the road. I said OK, he said right there is where you’re leaving all your bad memories. Then as we were headed back I asked him what do I do when something comes into my mind. He told me those are the lessons that I learned and that I was to hold onto what I had learned and to accept and adapt to things that happen in life.

    I named my son Jacob, because I knew God gave me the biggest blessing that I could ever receive. I didn’t know what to name him and God changed Jacob’s name to Israel. Jacob passed away Nov. 23, 2013, God has a new name for him. He was 22 and born when I was 30. I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but I know I would not want to give up the friendship that I had with my son. And in a marriage contract it also says to love and cherish, not hate and perish.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Dear dear Vicki, How very sad I am for you that you suffered so at the hands and by the words and actions of your husband, and that your sweet, sweet son did too. Jacob sounds like a wonderful son to have been blessed with… may your memories of his love and grace warm your heart. 22 years is such a short time to live on this earth, but it sounds like he left you with a beautiful legacy to hug in your heart. You have suffered so many losses. How I pray the Lord brings you comfort. Finding a new “normal” to “adapt” to will be especially difficult for you to do. I pray you will… and that God will bring you a ministry to be involved in some day, in Jacob’s memory. As one mom to another, my heart hugs yours, even through the Internet. I have and will pray for you. I pray that eventually you will experience a brightness in your life, in your future.

      I also pray that you will find friends in your everyday life who will help you as you grieve. I encourage you to go into the “Prayer” topic of this web site… into the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of it and look through the web site links we provide. There are several prayer ministries listed that I hope you will take advantage of. You truly need others to lift you up in prayer and to cry with you, as you walk this very painful journey. May you experience moments of comfort.

  20. Tra from United States says:

    With all the suffering of victims of abuse, why does God allow such financial suffering after removing themselves from the abuser? Why does it seems the abuser goes on to financial security and happiness so easily? Why does God not take vengeance swiftly, while on this earth?

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