Scriptures on Abuse and Domestic Violence

What does the Bible say about Abuse and Domestic abuse? Does it even address it? The simple answer is YES! And that’s what we’d like you to be aware of because obviously those who believe otherwise need more information than they’ve up until now.

It is NOT ok for one spouse to commit violence against the other. It’s something God hates. And for those of you who are victims of abuse in your marriage, PLEASE don’t be fooled into thinking that you “deserve it” because your spouse tells you this is so and that the Bible even condones it. That is not true.

That’s why we have a whole section dealing with this subject —to help those who visit this web site become more aware of biblical truths concerning abuse.

That is also why we put together this article. The Bible says, The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates (Psalm 11:5). Anything God “hates” we should take note of and hate and reject as well.

Violence is not something the Lord condones in the home —especially within a Christian marriage where marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church. Those who tell you that the Bible condones abuse in marriage are misguided and wrong.

To help prove this, lets look at what the Bible has to say about abuse. The following are web site links (to Focus Ministries and Suite 101) to articles you can click into so you can read:


These next two articles come from different web sites and hopefully, will help you further see that as Christians, we are wrong if we think that the Lord would sanction or condone abuse in the home.

The first article is written by Fiona Soltes and is posted on the web site for Lifeway Ministries. It gives an overall look at how Christians view abusive relationships and what they can and should do about it. Please click onto the link below to read:


This next article is posted on the web site where Bible teacher and author Mart De Haan reconsiders how he originally looked at abuse in marriage and what he’s since learned as he’s studied the Bible more in depth on this subject:


Another excellent article is posted on web site. We believe you will find it helpful for those who are under the opinion that abuse is just about violence to the body. Yes, it is definitely that. But there is a whole mind set and behavioral pattern that includes control issues that go along with it as well.

The author Gwyneth Nelson never thought she would be involved in a marriage rocked by violence and control issues because both she and her husband were Christians. As she said, “I couldn’t believe this was my reality and I couldn’t see a way out.” It’s a sad but true story of two people in love where abusive behavior became a way of life. Please click onto the link provided below to learn from and read:


For those of you who feel imprisoned in marriages where you are experiencing violence, and for those of you who want to know more about how to combat violence in marriage, there are also a number of articles posted on the web site for FOCUS Ministries, Inc. on the subject of Domestic Violence that you might find helpful. Rather than explain each one, we thought you might enjoy choosing which one most applies to your Christian marriage. To choose which articles you would like to read:


May we always:

Remember those in prison
as if you were their fellow prisoners,
and those who are mistreated
as if you yourselves were suffering

(Hebrews 13:3).

If you are a victim of abuse, we pray the above scriptures, and what you have learned in this article, the additional linked articles provided, plus what is posted on the Marriage Missions web site —particularly in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic, will help you to reach out to the Lord and those He provides to assist you, to find a place of safety and peace.

If you are an abuser, we pray your eyes will be opened and you will reach out to the Lord and those who can best help you, to stop the violence you are committing against your spouse, and bring peace into your home.

If you are a friend, family member, church member, and/or someone who can make a difference to help those who are oppressed, we pray the Lord will empower and lead you to do what it takes to bring help, hope and peace into homes that are racked by violence.

This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.


Filed under: Abuse in Marriage

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87 responses to “Scriptures on Abuse and Domestic Violence

  1. (PHILIPPINES) I have been in an emotional, verbal and physically abusive marriage too long. I can only admit it now because of many instances and last Jan 3, my husband passed away due to colon cancer.

    1. I am sorry that your husband passed, I pray that you feel peace. It takes courage to admit that you have been abused. I also am a survivor of abuse. I will say the prayer for you that is posted above. I will also pray that you can feel Gods love for you, and his hand of protection. I also pray that this is a new day and a new life. With tremendous love, LPT Melissa

  2. (USA)  I am constantly crying and feel very fragile. At times because of my faith and my worship, I get picked up. But, the words my husband says to me every 3 to 6 months hurt. They dig deeper and deeper into the scar that now seems to deep to heal.

    I love Him, but I hate what He is doing to me. I know others tell me it’s not Him and it’s the devil. But, come on… 26 years is too long to keep blaming the devil. I am so scared. I have cried out to God. I don’t want a divorce. But… his constant put downs and NON-DISPLAY OF AFFECTION leaves me feeling so lonely, so alone.

    He goes to church, yet doesn’t really seem like He did. It leaves me feeling confused and sad. As if know one can really help me. I cry out to God. Please help me. Please… Please… I am aging more rapidly with all this loss of sleep and loneliness.

    I have decided to step down from worship, because it’s too embarrassing how he treats me in hope that everything will go back to normal. And I know it will, but only to lasts for a few months, until He belittles me again or verbally abuses me. What can I do Lord?

    1. Do not ever quit going to church just because of him. It is his problem. His embarrassment. Not yours. sometimes a divorce is necessary in order to save yourself. God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. I was in a couple of abusive relationships because I thought that was normal. I was physically mentally and emotionally abused as a child and this does carry on until adulthood. You do not deserve this. God did not intend for you to have to do this. He thinks we are wonderful and has a purpose for you. And that purpose is not for you to take someone else’s abuse.

      If he refuses to get help then you need to leave. Do not leave the church because only God can help and save you from this. And you will find yourself getting stronger and stronger if you get in a good church. My church is named Thrive And it has truly saved my life. We have a website. And that website is Only God is going to be able to save you and get you out of this situation. You need to have a plan know when you leave because leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time in the relationship. Make sure you have a support group there to help you.

      And please look on our website and listen to some of our sermons. We are in Port Orange Florida. Do not quit going to church because of him because only God will help you.

  3. (RSA)  The secret place, your right to divine protection. Please notice that for the man who fears the Lord, there is a place prepared for, called God circle blessings. From, Pastor D

  4. (UNITED STATES)  Recently, as in the last week, our former youth pastor was convicted of and sentenced to prison for having sex with his step daughter. (He had been in her life since she was 3 years of age.) This has divided a church and I am so torn as to how I am to react, interact and minister to this family. The wife is determined to save the marriage and the daughter has shut down and doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. I have a hard time believing in restoration of this marriage. It pains me to see what message this sends to their children.

    I know God hates violence, I know God hates sexual immorality and I also know that God forgives his people. I don’t know what to say to the wife and even more what to say to the victim. I know this is not an easy question but I can’t not understand why you would stay and even more why you would WANT to stay.

    My question is really to help me sort this out so I don’t say the stupid thing when we talk about this. I don’t want to remain silent if there is loving truth I can say.

    1. (US)  Carol–The story you shared is mindblowing–surprisingly not so much regarding the youth pastor molesting or raping his daughter, but the wife wanting to restore this marriage. Christianity can really get screwed up when we’re hearing so many messages. I know that we are under grace and not law but this is sick. Under law this man would probably have been put to death, while under grace he is certainly forgiven because of the blood of Jesus; however Jesus cares about the victim too.

      Paul talked about a similiar situation in 1 Cor. when he rebuked the church for allowing a man who was having an affair with his stepmother to continue fellowshipping. He said that this was something that even gentiles would not have tolerated. Not only should this man be put out of fellowship but that marriage has definitely become dishonorable. The daughter has been hurt and tramautized and will need to be loved into wholeness. How can that happen if she sees her mother protecting the very one who hurt her.

      Yes God can help the daughter forgive and can bring healing into that family but would he want to save the marriage at the expense of the broken daughter? This to me paints a picture of a wickedly twisted and perverted God. It also says alot about the wife–perhaps she has been abused and is unable to fully grasp the severity and the darkness of this situation.

      Jesus came to give us life and he says that he delivered us from the power of darkness. This is very dark. I would be praying that the wife get help as well as the husband and daughter. God specializes in restoration so it does not seem impossible to me that everyone involved can be healed, restored, and delivered. If I were talking to the wife I would encourage her to seek counseling because I really do believe that she herself has experienced abuse of some kind. She is not emotionally stable. Children look to their parents to protect them. If one parent is not able you’d expect the other parent to do whatever neccessary to protect. I truly pray that our loving Father guides your church into being able to handle this the way the Holy Spirit would lead as well as the actual individuals involved.

      1. (US)  Ann, I am sure that your response is not quite biblical. You cannot say God is loving and forgiving in the same sentence with perversion. Your response exposes the fact that your feelings and emotions are driving your thoughts, which the Bible calls unstable. The truth is that if this woman chooses reconciliation, that is her decision. It is not an unbiblical one. Whether I or you think it is right or wrong or even foolish, it is a decision is that hers to make. God is not a pervert or wicked for guiding her to do so if indeed God is moving her by His Spirit.

        This is by far unwise counsel. I believe until you or Carol are able to speak encouragement and words of hope and comfort that are not tainted by your emotions and opinions, the best counsel you can give is to NOT say anything because it is blantantly obvious that you are not being led by the Spirit. Blessings!

        1. (USA)  Thom, she is speaking Biblical… Proverbs also admonishes violence and says to have nothing to do with wickedness. Abusing a child is wickedness. Jesus said it is better for a man to have a millstone tied to his neck and cast in the river than to cause harm to a child. The infidelity of the abuse is grounds for divorce!

          I understand there is room to be forgiving but a person’s character needs to be proven to the victims… And a clear compassion needs to be bestowed upon all… Including the young girl-first and foremost. The wife is putting her own desires for marriage (whose vows were broken) before her daughter’s need to heal. That perpetuates the abuse on the child. The mother is being insensitive to the daughter’s needs. She was her daughter’s mother before she was that man’s wife. She should heal from her idolization of marriage.

          God did not extend a cheap Grace, nor should we.

      2. God gave us free will. This is where we as humans have totally screwed up the world. It’s the mother’s responsibility to protect her daughter at all costs. The term it takes a village to raise a child means it is everyone’s responsibility to protect children at all cost. When abuse is seen and known it is everyone’s responsibility to help that child. The Stepfather needs help and guidance but cannot be around the stepdaughter. The mother staying with the stepfather is basically telling her child that she doesn’t believe her, nor does it matter what happened to her. This is almost as traumatic to the child as the actual sexual molestation done by The Stepfather. It is the mother’s free will to choose whether to stay with this man. God does not frown upon a woman protecting her child from a molester. He expects it. we are all children to God.

        The Stepfather needs to legally be held accountable for his actions and can receive help in jail or outpatient counseling but he needs to be away from the daughter. The mother and the daughter also need to have separate counseling. Only after counseling can the decision be made to restore the marriage. But that would be the Free Will choice of the woman to choose whether to remarry the man or not. The bottom line is the child’s best interests are not being served by staying with her molester. No where in the Bible does it say that we must stay with someone who is abusing us. We can forgive these people and we need to forgive these people for ourself but that doesn’t mean that we have to continually put ourself in the position to be abused again. That is what the mother is doing if she chooses to stay with this man and make her daughter live in the same house as her molester.

        Joyce Meyers has a book that is called “Perfect Love”. It’s an excellent book on how she overcame her sexual molestation by her father. I highly recommend this woman to read it. God is not provided in any way shape or form. It is our use of the free will that God gave us that gives us perversion, abuse, and all the other sins that are committed. My thoughts and prayers will go out to this family but make no mistake, the child’s interest need to be top and foremost.

    2. (USA)  The mother is more concerned about her marriage than about helping her daughter heal. Advise that the Lord hates violence more than he hates divorce… It is her responsibility to help her daughter heal… And she needs to heal herself from her own neediness of marriage… A separation would be healthiest for all… Especially as long as the husband needs counseling and as long as her daughter needs to heal.

    3. (USA) I am just curious what happened to this family. I noticed the original post was from December 2010. Were you able to resolve your own feelings about the situation in order to minister to the families needs? Did the family seek out counseling? Obviously the mother didn’t enable the abuser because a conviction was garnered. It is obvious with a conviction involved a separation would have occurred in the family as well which would have lead to a cooling off period for the mother and the daughter. Did they seek counseling and has the family since healed?

    4. It is your duty to preach and to minister to the woman and the child. The woman needs to understand that her child will be forever harmed if she takes this man back. It is her responsibility to take care of her child. If the stepfather truly asks God for forgiveness God will forgive him but in order to protect this child which is what God wants each and everyone of us to do, to me that is what it takes a village to raise a child means.

      This woman has to keep that child away from this man. This child is looking to her mother for protection. You need to minister this woman her responsibility to the child and it is now God’s responsibility for The Stepfather. the girl will need some counseling as well as the mother but it is imperative that The Stepfather not ever be brought back into the picture. God bless and good luck.

    5. The fact that this wife wants to stay with the man who molested her daughter is abuse alone. Someone needs to speak up for this child. And if CPS needs to be called in order for the child to be protected then someone needs to call CPS. If this woman takes this man back she is basically telling her daughter that she doesn’t matter and what happened to her is okay.

      Now we as Christians and adults know that it is not ok. What that man did was criminally wrong, spiritually wrong, and morally wrong. This child did nothing to deserve this and needs to be told this and put into an environment to where she has nothing but unconditional love and counseling. It takes a village to raise a child and when people see a child who is being put in a position like this that is what that phrase means. Someone needs to call CPS if the woman decides to go back with this man. The child is who needs to be protected. The child has no voice except from her parents and from people around who know what the situation is.

      If the wife is reading this reply, please if you love your daughter at all do not go back with this man. Get your daughter help. It is imperative that you believe her and support her. God will take care of yourhopefully soon-to-be ex-husband. You and your daughter need counseling separately and together and find a good church to go for your spiritual needs. God will help you and your daughter get through this. You will be in my prayers. My church has a website and it is http://www.weareThrive.Org. It is a non-denominational church that absolutely saved my life. Listen to some of our sermons they are truly life-altering. Good luck and if you don’t remember anything from this conversation please remember this – do not go back to this man!

  5. (US)  I work for a DV shelter in Wisconsin. I have seen a lot of very sad situations. God keeps me at peace, I often feel like I want to save the world but I can’t do it all. I’m moving to GA soon and I want to work with the abusers. We have so many programs for the ladies but until we deal with the abusers we’re going in circles. I feel they should be counseled, mentored & taught what GOD SAYS ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!! I’m really hoping I could connect with a shelter in or shelters in GA.

    1. (USA)  Why assume the victims are all women? People abuse. It’s not a gender trait, it’s a character trait. Stop speaking as if the victims are all women and the abusers are all men.

      When a woman divorces her husband, and 2/3rds of all divorces are initiated by women, and only about 6% of those husbands divorced are adulterous or abusive, (redundant since cheating on your spouse is emotional abuse) that means the other 94% of women (and men, but we are talking about those who file the majority of divorce actions right now) who walk out or kick out their husbands are emotionally abusing their husbands, if not other types of abuse.

      So please, get the false notion out of your head that women are a minority of abusers. They are as sinful as men and simply choose different means, means that society doesn’t currently consider abusive to perpetrate their abuse. So by all means, deal with the abusers, ALL the abusers.

      Remember, there are no excuses for abuse, not physical abuse, not verbal abuse, nor emotional abuse. So any abuser, man or woman cannot hide or shift blame due to some circumstance they wish to present.

      Women who claim they fell out of love with their husbands are simply using the form of argument that is rejected from male abusers. We don’t accept “she made me do it” from male abusers, and we need to stop accepting it from the women who say, “he made me do it” when they claim if only their husband would have been more _________, or less _______, when they choose to divorce him and take his kids in search of her happiness. That is abusive to her husband and her children. Where is the outrage?

      1. (UNITED STATES)  You are right not all abusers are men some are women. The fact is; the real fact that there is less than 10 % that are male victims. Now it is a fact that approximately 90% of abusers are men. So don’t get upset when people say or refer to abusers as men or he. Now if you were talking about child abuse you could reverse those stats and say women are the perdominate abusers. The argument is not who does it the most or who did this or that. Why should you ask for a divorce even matter like there is some excuse to a abuser’s behavior? There is not one. Abuser’s make a choice, it’s not a sickness, it’s a learned behavior in certain cases, it is a power & control issue. There is no excuse for it.

      2. (UNITED STATES) Tony, just to remind you, don’t always go by appearances or even words. My “husband” filed divorce against me in ’98. I was going to separate from him for a time because he was yelling, threatening and there were several other problems… but one night he tried to pick me up and shove me out of the house. I called the police. I came back to get clothing and such for me and our daughters and had made arrangements to stay with a friend temporarily. Divorce was not on my mind, but solving the problems was.

        He had filled out divorce papers but not filed them. The pastor was at the house; I walked in and handed him and my “husband” a drink I had bought them on my way. Our two young daughters were right behind me. All of a sudden, his brother swooped around, grabbed the girls and took off! His vehicle was no where to be seen and I noticed in the next instant the kitchen phone was GONE. All of a sudden, I realized I might be in danger. I took off to find a phone, called the police hysterically then went back to the empty house. When police arrived, I was cleaning up a picture I’d smashed (I’d grabbed it, instinctively, and smashed it to gain a few moments when I realized the betrayal and no way to call for help) and I was in emotional shock.

        Next thing I knew, I was being sent to the hospital because I was allegedly “homicidal”. I spent a week there before I realized I was actually free to leave, as I never fulfilled any of the bogus criteria. In meantime, husband filed for divorce and shut down our joint banking, taking it all for himself. I went through many months of being terrorized (and again, hospitalized via his lies). He didn’t want a divorce, he told me. He had been FORCED, so he lied (as I learned this past year or so), to file that and for “temporary custody-emergency”. He wanted a divorce, but the other thing I learned recently was that the “settlement” his attorney drew up would NEVER have stood up in Court… it awarded him EVERYTHING except for our broken down car with no heat. I would be “allowed” to visit my children in the presence of “husband” or his parents, ONLY. So I gave in, thinking that was what I would “get”. By now, I had been misdiagnosed with mental illness I DID NOT have and panic attacks were totally missed by the doctors.

        A little over a year later, he started it all again, filling out the paperwork, threatening me … so I went down and filed. I only wish I had been smart enough to have filed his papers, because our children thought I deserted them. I figured if I went peaceably, maybe I wouldn’t have to go through the hell I did. I was wrong. The hell started back up AFTER the divorce was final. “Husband” and his mother colluded to keep the children from me, lied to them, telling them I had bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia, and “mo-in-law” told a 10 and 11 year old that “mommy is going to kill you”. They worked to get me under restricted and supervised visitation … his many overt denials to allow visitation were NEVER addressed by the Court and when I tried to get a restraining order because of his threats and yelling when I did exercise visitation were terrifying to me, as well as our daughters, who would refuse to come with me, hiding … well, that ended up getting me put in jail, because when the restraining order was refused (I didn’t know you have to file it in the divorce Court), I was hit with contempt for trying to protect our children. I don’t care though, I refused to answer the judge and hand children over to a terrorizing bully.

        So even when the woman files, it might not be what it “seems” and what the other person says (and I am sure that applies to men as well). All of his lies, the collusion with his relatives and this “pastor” who betrayed my trust ended up with me being seen as a lunatic, totally non-credible, etc. Funny thing though, despite his continued post divorce bullying… I got BETTER over time. I ended up, though HAVING to come back to this “marriage” as I was advised there was no way the custody would ever be changed in my favor. So, I did… but only after a year or so of trying to determine if problems and emotions would be handled differently. Seemed so… and that was approximately 6-7 years ago.

        2 years ago, he filed divorce again… he was having an affair with a married woman who he thought would marry him. I was more assertive and wouldn’t do what he told me to do. He ordered me out of “his” house (of which he cheated me $10,000 in equity in previous divorce, though that was not my total “loss”). I refused as I learned more of my rights and treatment for the PTSD INJURIES I sustained at his hands (and his cronies) had helped, plus I spent much time in my Bible and my relationship with the Lord. So he is trying to reduce me to financial ruin, since I wouldn’t obey. I have a judgment against him for over $5,000… he ignores it. I AM THE ONLY ONE expected to follow Court orders. My car keeps breaking down, so I will probably lose my other job… a bitter blow for someone who lives 20 miles from “civilization”. He refuses to make a settlement. well, he made one offer and rescinded it after I spent about $300 going over it with my attorney and accepting it.

        Personally, I wish someone WOULD make some changes… DV or spousal bullying shouldn’t mean the target has to run away and give up everything, especially after having their world turned upside down from abuse. And churches? Well I’ve tried to get the leaders of the churches to speak with him, take some action, but apparently, that’s not okay with them, despite the many mentions of reproof and responsibility for erring brothers and sisters. He and his mother are both church members and supposedly, Christians, although I sure don’t see it. It really angers me that not only will they not speak with him (impotent god?) but protect or help? I was actually TOLD, twice that I should go, “since I was unhappy there”.

        All I can say, is my Lord removed me from a toxic situation and healed my mind and restored me… even to the point that up til all broke loose, things were fairly smooth and our children doing much better. The Lord has gotten me through, though I cry a great deal at times (mostly when I am doing car repairs… brakes, replacing lug studs, cable shifters, belts and all… because it often is a lot harder and takes longer and makes me late to work and I have nobody to help me); I am under a great deal of emotional stress and get a lot of our daughter’s anger (I hear it is because I’m the “safe” adult). My Lord isn’t impotent and I sure would like it if some church had one… like the Lord God revealed in the Bible. So appearances, as is also stated therein, can BE deceiving. I too blamed myself for much that I learned had nothing to do with me… and my husband remains living next door, with his mother… and those two “Christians” act as if I was dead, or non-existent. And honestly, I wish I was financially in a place to leave… but I’m not, unless I want to live in my car… and I don’t know how much longer it’s going to hold out.

      3. Anybody can be an abuser. But so far the majority of the stories I have heard here are about women being abused by their husbands or boyfriends. It is the children who suffer this more than the man or the woman. Because they will grow up thinking this is normal behavior and will mimic what they see and we become a society of abused people raising abused kids. We need to bring our children up in a Christian environment. That means taking them to church and everyone accepting Christ as their savior and raising them as Christ says to Raise them.

        There are too many divorces end up with the husband and wife fighting and the kids caught in The middle. This alone is abuse. So far I’ve heard no one says that it’s always been abusing and women being abused all I have heard or stories from people who have actually lived it and are trying to find help. If you took that as only men are abusers and perhaps you might need to look at yourself more closely. Anybody can be an abuser. Everyone since. God will forgive anybody who asked him and accept him as our savior. Man or woman. God says lack of knowledge is just as bad as sin

        1. In my recent reply to Ryan who took offense that only women are being seen is being abused and men are all the abusers there were some typos. I am hard of hearing and did not proof read what I said. But the majority of the stories are of women being abused by men and seeking help. I pray for you because you took offense to this because it sounds like you’re in a deflecting period during a divorce. It’s the children who suffer while the husband and wife fight and the fights usually are ugly in front of the child.

          This is not what Christ wanted. We are becoming a nation of abused kids raising abused kids. If everyone raised their children in a Christian home, the way Christ wanted us to do, this world would be a much better place. There’s no room to play the blame game. Everyone needs to be able to forgive each other but in order to do that you have to accept Christ as your savior and try to live a Christ-like life.

  6. (USA)  I have been married for almost 5 years, my husband is a soldier in the army and has been on 4 deployments through our marriage. So he is always gone. I know he has PTSD, but has not been diagnosed, because he is afraid it will mess his career up. He has been emotionally and verbally abusing me for a long time time. He puts me down a lot, I can’t do anything right. I try and talk to him on yahoo messenger, he just ignores me or says stuff like I don’t feel like talking. He does this when he is home too. It gets to the point where he will say mean stuff like I’m mentally unstable because I’m sad that he has been gone almost our whole marriage, he calls me fat, he says I’m a bad parent because I spoil our son. He is so nice to everyone else but me. He never tells me I’m pretty, he never says he misses me. He just doesn’t say anything hardly and then when he does its mean and hurtful.

    I wish I knew what to do. I’m lost right now because the last marriage I was in he beat me, and to tell you the truth, I would rather have phyiscal scars that heal then this feeling I have in my soul and heart from the emotional and verbal abuse. I am lost and need lots of prayers.

    1. (UNITED STATE)  Soldiers wife, My situation is exactly as yours… Everything you posted I am living it too! I feel lost and confused. I am thinking separation will be the best thing to do. I was advised to talk to his commander for help.

      1. (USA)  Please, both of you, realize you can do something to change your situation. Contact domestic violence services in your area. Seek counseling for yourselves. You can learn how to respond to your husbands’ differently to be stronger yourselves. Trust me- the longer it takes you to do something the weaker you will become and the less likely your husband’s can get better too!

        You also have to be a healthy person and living like that is not healthy… Not for you or your children. Make yourselves stronger and less dependent. Otherwise you won’t have options if it gets worse. You won’t get the respect you deserve unless you give it to yourself and expect it from others.

        I hear your compassion for the PTSD… But that doesn’t give license to be an abuser. It is an illness that needs treatment. Also, the reality is abuse is an illness too -that is also treatable. Getting yourselves out from underneath it is your right and is completely up to you to do. I’m praying for you and countless others.

    2. My dad was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force and it was frowned upon for them to get any sort of mental counseling. Therefore a lot of abuse went undiagnosed. They saw that as a weakness. I heard that the armed forces and the Air Force are getting better about it but I still think the stigma is attached that if you get any type of counseling that you are not someone that they want to put behind a billion-dollar airplane.

      That doesn’t help you or the family going through the abuse when the person comes home. Unfortunately the only thing I think that is going to help is that if you have a relationship with your husband where you can talk with him and he will truly listen to you and when he starts getting angry he knows that he needs to stop take a deep breath and maybe walk into another room go to another room until he calms down and then finish the discussion.

      I have been diagnosed with PTSD from several traumatic events in my life and I can tell you that it is a very real condition. It is like you are truly living the event over and over and over in such detail every time and it is like you are losing your mind. Mine has gotten better with time and managing my stress better. There are times when certain remarks, smells, scenes will trigger a flashback and I will be right back in the event that caused the PTSD. It usually requires somebody who knows what is going on to snap you out of it.

      But since his PTSD is from combat experiences I think it would be dangerous for you to try to snap him out of it. Perhaps talking with the chaplain will help with an idea of how to snap him out of it when he has an event. I am a firm believer that God will heal anything and through God we can do everything and prayer truly works. I wish you well and good luck and thank you and your husband very much for protecting us. God bless

  7. (US)  Please pray for me and my 3 kids. I’ve been in a very physical and emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to lose faith. God please show me the way. I’m so lost. I feel defeated…

    1. I was in 2 abusive relationships. In order to save your children from repeating what they are learning from you staying in this marriage, you have to leave. You have to make a plan and have a support group ready for your call that you are finally leaving. This is the most dangerous part in a relationship. You need to contact an attorney tell him everything that is going on and leave.

      God is the only thing that saved me. The support and love I felt from my church and God kept me going. You have three children you have to save. Children mimic what they learn. And what they are learning now is abuse. You need to get out now. Call your attorney let the police know what’s going on, find a support group IE friends, family, anyone who will help you. The police also need to be aware of when you leave so they can keep the husband from harming you. But you need to talk with an attorney first since there are kids involved. Good luck and my prayers are with you. Please look my church up online we are at It is the most wonderful church I have ever known. Please look it up online and look at a few of our sermons. They are very enlightening. Good luck and God bless

  8. (UNITED STATES)  Jo, you can get out. You have biblical grounds for divorce. God doesn’t expect or want you to be abused and oppressed. He can restore you and give you back all the years the locusts have stolen. Keep heart and don’t give up. Focus and plan how to get out and how much God loves you. You may want to move in with your family or contact a local shelter. God Bless.

  9. (USA)  Thanks for this article. My ex-husband abused me and then blamed me for the abuse, totally defaming my character to other people and seeking to humiliate me, destroy my career, and almost everything he ever told me about himself is a lie. Although we had no children together (thank God!), he still will not let go and refuses to accept the relationship is over.

    Almost everyone who knew him when we met thought he was wonderful. Most of the people at my church see him for the deceitful and ungodly person he is, thankfully. However, con artist that he is, he contacted my university and they seem to have fallen for his lies and his concerned act, and my reputation is damaged because of his defamatory remarks about me. When I finally had to involve the police because he is stalking me, I was told by the police officer I initially talked to that he sees no reason for alarm and my ex seems “concerned” about me. Sometimes I feel guilty, as if I’m the one who is a bad person because he is able to fool people, who seem to just believe his lies. I know the thought that I am somehow to blame for all this is a lie straight from hell, though, and I fight against those thoughts. It helps to know how seriously God takes abuse and that he is for me.

    1. When I was in my last abusive relationship I was trying to get a temporary restraining order. The police told me that I was just overreacting and go home and try to work it out. Well obviously it just made my husband madder and the beatings got worse. You have to make a plan to get out. You have to somehow get money put aside a bag packed and a support group so when they get your call with a certain safe word they know to expect you. You still need to go to the police and explain to them what has happened. Everyone thought my husband was wonderful because he acted great in public but when we were together alone he was totally different. It was a true Jekyll/Hyde situation.

      They will not change and it will never get better. You have to leave in order to save yourself. I found that only through God was I able to be saved. It is much better to be alone than to be abused day in and day out. My ex-husband ended up almost killing me, putting me in the hospital for 3 months. That was when I was trying to leave. That is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. That’s why it’s very important that you have a plan and a person that you can send a quick note to and they know that you’re in the process of leaving so they can meet you and help you.

      My church is called Thrive and our website is We are in Port Orange Florida. Go on our website and listen to some of our sermons because they are life-changing. You will be in my prayers and my thoughts. But please get out of the relationship because it will never, ever get better no matter how many times he apologizes or tries to rationalize it by saying you made him do it because you didn’t have this or that ready. There is no excuse for any abuse from anyone at anytime. You’re in my prayers. God loves you unconditionally and if you don’t have a support group, there are shelters for women in your situation that you can go to. Good luck and pray, baby pray.

      1. I read your recent comments Fran from the US. May I humbly ask a question? I am not Christian, I am Catholic. My husband is Christian.

        For 20 years he beat me up and abused me and cheated on me. We have no children. Now I feel so bad because he says I will not be saved. I am unholy because I cannot forgive nor can I forget as we are in court. Still he is keeping several mistresses, some are Christians who spout Bible verses and psalms. I am an unbeliever and in a way these mistresses make fun of my plight as they say he beats me up because I am an unbeliever.

        He is a narcissist and diagnosed as such. Why did God allow this? Is He indeed there for us? All the more I do not see God in my Christian husband nor in his pastor. True, our pastor is a good man. But over the past 20 years I have endured until my husband almost killed me. I dialled 911 and somehow escaped.

        Being Catholic, I have indeed lost my faith. I was prepared to convert but 20 years of my husband’s example set me off of that decision. I grew to hate what he stood for and what our Church asked me to do for 20 years and that they stood by him. Till today he pretends to be upstanding. But he is still beating up on his current mistress. She has asked for my help but I have sadly ignored her.

        If long ago they kept laughing at me for being an unbeliever and saying I deserved it, why now is she asking for my help? I am unable to, in addition to not wanting to as her God is there anyways as she once said guiding her towards my husband.

        I am unable to because I am sick due to my husband beating up on me. I have AIDS too from him as he was my only sexual partner. There was never anyone else as I was “pure” as they say in Christian terms and maintained that until I married him. Him being my first and only relationship.

  10. (UK) I have been married for 8 years. My husband was recently physically abusive to me for the second time. It is not a regular occurance, but last time it happened I told myself that I wouldn’t let it happen again. It is made worse by the fact that I am pregnant with our third child.

    Until recently my biggest desire has been to fix our marriage, but I am now questioning whether this can happen. Last time he promised it would never happen again and the breech of trust is huge -then in every breath he justifies what he did. I drove him to it by disobeying, by being contentious, by deliberately ‘pushing his buttons’. I am not always the most repectful wife, but to obey someone whose attitude is so unloving towards me is so hard. Mostly I fear, that one day our children will be on the receiving end of this.

    Although the physical abuse is rare, he exhibits controlling behaviour which makes it harder for me to consider leaving. He has ensured that I do not develop friendships, I have no access to money and on occasion, he has locked me in the house and hidden the key.

    I could not attend church last week -my husband leads worship, and the thought of keeping up a ‘happy families’ image, was too much for me.

    He has agreed to talk to our pastor -but his version of events has already changed -he says I was physical with him first. I am scared of what the future holds, either with or without him. I entered a covenant when we married and would not break it lightly, but I cannot honestly say that I love him at this moment in time. Please would anyone who reads this pray that I would be able to stay calm and humble, but that most of all God’s will be done in our situation and may He protect our children from any harm?

    1. (USA) Amanda, I know how hard it is to be in this situation and to feel you’re not only breaking up your family, but betraying God by considering leaving an abusive relationship. I’m in the process of leaving my husband for the same reasons. I can tell you that the abuse only continues and progressively increases with each cycle. Don’t listen to the promises, apologies, etc., as their purpose is only to get you back into your abuser’s clutches.

      After years of tolerating verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, as well as severe isolation, I can tell you that being alone is far better than the painful, never-healing cuts on your feet you get from walking on all those sharp eggshells. My husband was a well-respected, church-going attorney and he even started a battered women’s shelter in our community before I met him. He is charming, handsome, successful, etc… However, it seems his cruelty and insistence on control knows no boundaries. His abuse was subtle initially, and only verbal at first. Unfortunately, once these men learn they can physically harm you (and unfortunately the kids) and you will stay, it just escalates. My husband became so tyrannical he even barred my older children from coming to our home and having any contact with my younger children for several years in an attempt to isolate us and maintain control. He did this after the older children were old enough to see what was truly happening in our home and called him on it. I have terrible guilt for tolerating it, and looking back from my own new home (I left him with the kids for good) safe, and apart from him, I don’t even know who that person was that obligingly went along with this ghastly annihilation of my family. I let this happen out of fear as he said if I let my older children come home, he would take my younger ones and we would never see them again. I was paralyzed with fear and stuck in a quagmire of confusion.

      Break free while you can, before your head is so messed up by the continued abuse that you can’t see straight, or make a competent decision. My heart is with you!

    2. Amanda, your post is two years gone, but I am in Bristol and I am praying for you this morning.

      I suppose I don’t completely agree with the statements above previous to yours that abusers always make a choice, I think there are changes in our brains when we respond to life’s challenges this way (not an excuse) but – – “hurt people hurt people”.

      Getting help, as an abuser, could mean a life destroying career destroying choice for some (as per above on the PTSD case) , and it can almost seem like a vicious cycle with no way out, until it is too late.

      I hope you still get this comment, and that you are okay.

    3. I have been there; it only gets worse. We Africans living in foreign lands go through hell. I am a stay at home mum with 3 kids. Call the Police and have him picked up. Tell family, friends, and everyone that cares to listen. Abusers live double lives. When people tell me you have a loving husband I feel sick to my stomach.

    4. All I can say is get out, get out, and get out now. The child will only make it worse. He will not change unless he is made to change. There are shelters you can go to. I know it’s hard, but try to put away as much cash as you can without him knowing. Even if it’s nickels and dimes and quarters; get it together. Pack a bag and hide it. Tell the cops what you were about to do and you do not want your husband to know because you are afraid of him and what he will do to you and your child.

      Abusers unfortunately know how to play the game and manipulate the system. My ex knew how to play the system and played it wonderfully. No matter how hard it is if he ever leaves a mark on you take a picture of it. Do not ever lay your hands on him unless it is in self-defense. In some states they will arrest both of you and sort it out later but if the cops have a record of you going in and telling them what is going on and he is scaring you and what he’s doing that will look good in your favor. But for the sake of yourself and your unborn child, get out now.

      God helped me because I was so beaten down and thought I was so worthless that I didn’t care whether I lived or died. God sent someone to start talking to me about God and that got me thinking about it and after a few months started going to church. My church’s name is Thrive. And we are in Port Orange Florida. Our website is Unfortunately the cops did not believe me until he almost killed me. Please do not let this happen to you and your child. You will be in my prayers. Good luck

  11. (UNITED STATES) My husband is not physically abusive. However, over the course of our marriage, he has made me do things that are so shameful I have a difficult time stating them, even under the veil of anonymity. He has involved other men in our sexual relationship. I have dealt with STD’s as a result. It hasn’t happened in the past few years ~ when we moved from a metropolitan area to a rural area.

    If I don’t please him, he withholds affection. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t have to change for me, and that if God wanted him to change, He would make him. We are a “Christian” couple, attend church regularly, and I try to be involved in ministry as much as possible, though he doesn’t like it when I am. I work one day a week and get paid monthly. When I receive my check, I must cash it and give him the entire amount. I used to try to hold back $5-$10, just in case I needed it. However, lately, he has been asking to see my check stubs.

    Others around us don’t see the abuse, as it is hidden so well. I am very adept at putting on the “happy facade” and making others believe that nothing is wrong. But EVERYTHING is wrong. My husband calls me a “control freak”, but I don’t even have control of my own life. He tells me how much gas money I can have for the week (under the guise of “we don’t have very much money” or “we need to save money”). I am not allowed to have any spending money at all, without his permission. If I do have to purchase something, he gives me the exact amount or requests the change after the purchase. He always wants the receipt. Usually he puts the gasoline in my car, but if I do, again, he wants the receipt, to make sure I didn’t save any for myself.

    I am so sorry for going on like this, but I have not been able to speak of this to anyone out of fear of what may happen if he finds out. Thank you for allowing me to describe my situation. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN.

    1. (USA) Sister, I pray deeply for you! First off, know that God is there with you! And I believe you must speak out to someone. You need another Godly couple to talk with or some counseling at your church. Keep saying spiritual confessions over him daily. Trouble doesn’t last always and I pray that you become an even stronger woman once things get better. I have learned that arguing back does nothing, but prayer does everything!!!! I pray it never gets physical. We are not given a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. Continue to use the power we have thru Jesus Christ to drive the enemy out of your marriage.

    2. The abuse you are experiencing may not be physical, but it is definitely sexual and financial and emotional abuse, keeping you “in line” to do what your husband decides he wants from you. That’s a type of slavery instead of a marriage. You need to talk to someone. This needs to be brought out into the light. As long as it is left in darkness, it can perpetuate and grow. It needs to stop. There are a lot of control issues going on in your marital “relationship” that go beyond reason. Please contact at least one of the web sites we link to in the “Links and Resource Descriptions” part of the “Abuse in Marriage” topic of this web site. You need to wisdom from those who work with this type of control to learn how to best stop this abusive behavior. I hope you will. I pray God’s wisdom and boldness and help in this.

    3. Hi my name is Marilyn. I just left my husband for the third time. You are describing my husband. He didn’t allow me to work. I’m five months pregnant and I’ve been gone a month. I was married before and it got very violent, but it started first through the verbal abuse and mental abuse = controlling every little thing you do.

      YOU NEED TO GET OUT!!! I HAD A MISCARRIAGE A YEAR AGO A DAY BEFORE MOTHERS DAY THEN SIX MONTHS BEFORE THAT DUE TO all the verbal abuse now the pastor where my husband goes that married us text’ me saying I made an excuse just to leave and that God is not pleased with me. Thats a lie from the pit of hell. He will have to answer to God.

      1. Oh Marilyn, you poor dear! What an awful pastor – he is not fit to speak God’s word. Find yourself a new, supportive church. Please, please don’t go back to that man. You mention you have been married before and it was also an abusive relationship. There may be a vulnerability about you that this type of man can see and is drawn to or it may be something familiar about them that draws you to them subconsciously.

        I really recommend you see a counsellor because I think once you’re able to see your own worth and realise you deserve better treatment, you’ll be able to escape a terrible, terrible cycle. At sometime, someone has made you feel unworthy of respect and they will have to answer for that one day but you don’t need to believe their lies any more. You are a child of God, special and very much loved, women all over the world will read your comments and be praying for you – we may be strangers but we care for you when we read about your life. Value yourself, you are worthy.

      2. Marilyn this pastor is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. God does not expect any man or woman to stay with someone who is abusing them. We’re all of God’s children and God does not like anyone abusing any of his children. You did the right thing by leaving. And you’re doing the right thing like I am by sharing our experiences and hoping that we help other women out there in the same situation. We as women always think we can change or help these men. We cannot help an abuser. Only the abuser can help the abuser, and that can only happen through God. No matter how easy you think it might seem to be, or how apologetic he is, how big the necklace is that he buys you he will not change unless he wants to change. And as long as you stay with an abuser he will never change.

        You can find the traits and characteristics, and warning signs of an abuser at You need to memorize them. And when you start seeing the signs don’t minimize, or try to rationalize the signs you need to leave now. You don’t look back, listen to an apology, or go back for any reason. You leave for good and never answer his phone calls or texts. when I accepted Christ it was during one of these abusive relationships. Accepting Christ and getting in a good church saved my life. We have a website that is called we are Thrive.Org. You can listen to our past sermons better absolutely life-altering. You did the right thing by leaving this man and God will take care of the pastor. God bless.

    4. First thing first. This man is not a Christian. And what’s worse is he’s showing your children that this is what Christians are supposed to act like. That will take your child away from God, not to God. I say this because I was abused as a child. If my father came home in a bad mood we would be held by the throat against the wall with our feet barely able to touch the floor. He would be so close to me to where I could feel the spit on my face from him screaming so loud. He looked like a monster to me. I would look around for somebody to help me. My other siblings were so terrified because if you made eye contact with him we were afraid his anger would be turned on us. I would look for my mom but all I saw was my mother walking away and going into her room and closing the door.

      One Saturday night because I didn’t finish my plate. My father backhanded me and gave me a black eye. I remember standing up and telling him I was going to tell everyone at church the next day what has been going on in the house and lo and behold we quit going to church. Of course the excuse they gave us they were exhausted because they were working so hard for the church. It made me hate God with a passion. I wasn’t going to worship a God that allow that to happen to children. That to me was the worst abuse. They kept me from God.

      You need to get your children out of this situation. There are family shelters that will help domestic violence victims. You need to make these phone calls on the phone that he will not be able to get a hold of. Tell the police officers what has been going on and you are in fear for your life because leaving an abusive situation is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Please look up domestic violence shelters in your area and talk with them. God is going to be the only person who can give you the strength and courage to do this. God saved me and he will save you two. All you have to do is accept him as your savior and try to live a Christian Life.

      Your children deserve to be brought up in a Christian home, not in an abusive one. Abused children more often than not grow up to be abusers themselves. Do you want that for your children? My church’s website as we are you can listen to their sermons and they are very very good. You will be in my prayers and my thoughts and if you want to discuss anything please feel free to ask because I check this website every day. I have been where you are. I have gone through what you’re going through. You Are Not Alone. God bless and good luck.

  12. (USA) The husbands job is to love his wife as Jesus loved the church. Tell as many head advisors in the church as you can. Don’t keep this secret. God wants honesty and truth. Do not live in fear or a lie. Expose your husband so that you both may be healed. God bless you.

  13. (USA) I have been married going on 2 decades to a well respected “deacon.” Our first year of marriage, while on vacation, he masturbated while watching a porn site in our hotel room. The volume was down so he thought I was asleep. When he “finished” doing his business, I knew that I could never trust him again. He was into porn before we married but he said that once we married, he had gotten over it.

    There have been Christian counselors who warned him that his unchecked behavior would destroy our marriage. But, he claims to have had a miraculous healing from the Lord regarding this issue. However, last year, he did admit to me that he has a lust problem. When I responded with anger, he told me that he only said because he knew it was what I wanted to hear!

    He is a loved, honored, and adored as a true man of God. He has told me countless times that if I have really forgiven him, I will forget about the past and stop bringing it up to him. That would be somewhat easier to do if he would show that his behavior has consistently changed. I’m always catching him starting at attractive women at church, restaurants, etc.

    I have no family and no where to go. So, I have emotionally withdrawn from him and await for this sordid ordeal to be over.

    1. You are a woman of God. But just because someone has a certificate that they are A Pastor or someone in high position at church does not mean they are Annointed or Called or even saved. What are you waiting for? You need to ask The Holy spirit to guide you. This is not right or from God. Its a stronghold. Get your husband some help.

  14. (US) I’m married to a man with an explosive temper. He is not my children’s father. He has cussed & argued in front of my boys. I try asking him not to do that in front of them. Recently an argument escalated to him grabbing me by my arms & pulling me out the door to make me go with him. This is the second time he has grabbed me. I’ve left the house twice. Once he locked us out. I am confused & afraid to go back. I have to consider what I’m doing to my boys. We have only been married 18 months. It seems nothing I do is right & he says it’s all my fault. I’m walking on eggshells & he doesn’t understand my silence. I pray everyday for answers. I feel like I made a big mistake getting remarried.

    1. Hi my name is Marilyn. I’ve been married two years. I’m remarried. I am 5 months pregnant. I have a 13 year old son that is not his. My first marriage was very violent; I was beaten over the Word of God. My son was five years old at that time. Thus is my second marriage.

      I WOULD LIKE TO ENCOURAGE YOU THAT YOU’RE NOT alone my precious friend. But you need not to go back. I had a miscarriage last year a day before Mother’s Day and six months before that my husband told me I was Satan and full of demons and that’s why the baby died. I met him on Christian Mingle. I feel like I made a big mistake too.

      He text’ me about Jesus now but I dont believe he’s changed; no one can change over night. The Bible says and you will know them by there fruits. I’ve been gone one month and I’m not going back. It will get worse. Abusive men will say and do anything to get you back just to hurt you. Take care of your boys; think about them and how it will be damaging for them to endure this abuse. Don’t allow it. It’s time to break the cycle of abuse in Jesus mighty name.

  15. (USA) I feel for all these women. I too have been verbally and physically abused by my husband. We have been together 13 years. He has always cheated on me and abused me. I have left him before but I went back; he knew all the right things to say. He doesn’t cheat now but now he is very jealous and all he cares about is having sex. He says that is how he feels loved. I love him but I hate when I feel obligated to have sex.

    I have to bathe and have sex when he wants to. He drinks a fifth of tequila a night and gets very verbally abusive. I go to bed when this happens but he wakes me up to call me names. When I left him I felt so at peace like a big weight had been lifted. I am afraid to leave for fear he may hurt me. Like one woman wrote it is horrible to walk on egg shells; it is like that for me everyday.

    I’m not going to lie I cheated on my husband once and have lived everyday with this regret, and he never lets me forget. I really just want to not be afraid anymore, to be at peace. I pray everyday that God will give me the strength I need to overcome this. I helped my husband get help for his drinking. I’ve held down two jobs to make ends meet. When he got out of rehab I helped him get a job. He is still there but his sobriety didn’t last. What can I do?

    1. The Lord wants us to live in peace and harmony. Ask the Holy spirit to guide you and teach you what move to make. He is our teacher. I left my husband a month ago for the third time it was so controlling and abusive.

  16. (USA) I’m 51 years old survivor of childhood sexual assault by my father from the time I was 11 till I was 15. I have been through therapy and have worked very hard to overcome it and become the person that God had intended me to be. From 15 to 30 I stayed away from church and God, blaming Him for what happened (my family never missed a church service during the abuse, which caused me to equate abuse with Christianity); I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t protected by God when we were going to His church. Then at 30, I began to realize that the distorted faith of my parents was not what God intended for his people and that the abuse was not sanctioned by Him. I was able to reconcile with God and I have to say that is when my true healing began. I love God and wanted to honor Him in all I do. For the next 30 years I tried to grow a better relationship with my mother but there was always something in the way. I always suspected that she blames me for being sexually abused and that I caused it, but then, as a mother myself, I would tell myself I must be imagining it, a mother could never think that of her child. Then last August when during one of my mother’s angry outburst she said that I was nothing more than a wh*** when I was a kid. When I reminded her that I was only 11 she said “then you were an 11 year old wh*** who seduced you dad.” Up till that moment the only explanation she ever gave for staying with my dad was financial.

    I’m here to tell you that at that moment I felt the earth crumble under my feet and an old wound that I had worked for years to heal was ripped back open. I ended up suffering severe depression for about a month. Then my very wise pastor and close friend of 20 years told me to get up and get over what was going on and find out what God wanted. She also told me that I had to forgive my mother, but sometimes the only way to honor her is to stay away from her and not treat her the way that she really deserves to be treated. But I do not have to suffer one more day of abusive treatment just to honor God, God does not want that.

    At that time I had not spoken of my abuse to many people, for fear of angering my mother but since I have shared with my church family and have found that this has been so freeing for me. I no longer worry about building a relationship with someone who will always reject me, I have been able to share what God has done for me, and through my testimony, was asked to help build a new program to support domestic violence victims in our area. I believe that if I would have continued to try and please my mother, I would have never answered this call. So even now I am claiming that night in August for God’s Glory.

    I am still sad that my mother has missed out on a loving mother-daughter relationship and that she is so angry and unhappy. However, I know that God will take all those things that happened to me and will use them for His Glory. And most important I believe that I have truly been released from the burden of that unhealthy relationship which has allowed me to grow closer to and rely more firmly on God.

    1. Marcie, your mother was very wrong to behave like that. Of course it wasn’t your fault! Perhaps she is blaming you because she feels guilty but can’t admit it to herself?

      I want you to know that my five year old daughter told me her father had molested her. I am standing up for her to try and prove what happened to protect her from him in the future. I’m her mum and that’s my job. It’s difficult, frustrating, unpalatable and the worst nightmare you could ever imagine going through a sexual assault case in court with your children but if your child confides in you, you have to support them.

  17. I have been in a relationship with a verbally abusive, angry man. Our fights have been hideous and we have 5 children who witness them regularly. I realized early in our marriage that the man my husband pretended to be before we were married was not who he was at all.

    Although I am a Christian, I began running from the marriage and almost became dependent on alcohol as a form of escape. I continued praying for myself and my husband, and it seems 5 years later, we are not much better off then we were 5 years ago. I was praying this summer and believe God gave me a release to leave this marriage, but seeking counsel, from my pastor at church, was told basically to stay.

    I do want to honor God, but my husband’s anger and rage and lovelessness hurts. I used to cry everyday and wish for death, mine or his, didn’t matter. I used to dream of the day I would no longer be in this living hell. I have begun to seek God and find peace in his love, but it’s still hard everyday. I pray and anoint my husband, I’m trying to stay strong spiritually to contend with him, although I know he is not my enemy, but I wrestle against principalities, powers, rulers and spiritual wickedness in high places. Some things I truly believe are generational and bloodline curses, and although he says he’s a believer, I see little fruit in his life. I know he doesn’t believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, and I’m afraid he is defenseless to stop doing what he is doing.

    I see my 18 month old imitating his yelling which is hurtful to me to think I could raise another generation such as he is, so I continue to pray for our 3 sons at home, 7 altogether, and 3 girls (2 at home) that they will know the freeing love of Christ and not get caught in this vicious cycle. I pray that if God’s will is for me to leave he’ll let me know and I’ll be obedient and strong to get out. If God wants me to stay I pray for the ability to do it in a way that brings glory and honor to him, today and every day.

    I pray for my husband to really come to know Christ and to receive his love and be washed free from all of the anger and hatred, and fear (and insecurity) that lead and direct his life.

    I know God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than I could ever ask or think and to Him be all glory, honor and power. His will be done in every situation mentioned in this posting. I pray for every family, every husband and wife to come to know the saving, healing power of Christ’s love. I pray for men and women to stand strong, and to have the strength to move when God says move. I pray for wisdom guidance and godly counsel. I pray for direction and most of all that the power of the Holy Spirit would fill each home (including my own) and bring deliverance and healing, forgiveness and love. I pray all these things in Jesus name. Amen

  18. I wanted someone to love and for him to love me. We got married and I believed the love would grow even stronger with wisdom and maturity. He knew I was told that I might not be able to have children, but I wanted a child, (a child is the biggest blessing there is). After a year I became pregnant. He wanted me to choose. I told him that I loved him but could not kill what was in me. He has anger issues and walked off his job 3 years into the marriage; our son was a toddler.

    He wanted to work for himself. My parents kept our son a few miles down the road and I seldom saw him because I worked 12 hour shift work and overtime on my days off. This lasted for four years as he tried different things. He had planned for me to quit and help him travel to shows. He was in sales, and I homeschooled our son 4th, 5th, & 6th grade. I could not have done it without my parents help. Then our son went to a private school for 7th grade, they paid for, and a lot more financial help thru the years.

    He emotionally was abusive with his words with our son and me. I cannot say them because I know it would be too vulgar. He always came across as charming and smart to others. Some could see some of his temper but not the whole picture. I was good at hiding a lot of it and our son was of strong character. The physical abuse was bad, not as bad as the verbal. It was also embarrassing to us, so we didn’t’ tell, and he kept me isolated. He’s a controller.

    My son and I were far from being right. I don’t back down, but also I’m a survivor. He had food issues. He bought the best for himself, 2nd best for me and 3rd best for our son. When our son was young, 7 or 8, we had steak one night and he threw his in the yard and told him to eat it now. He picked it up and as he was rinsing it off he told him he hoped he got sick. I could do nothing except to choke mine down to keep it from getting worse. It was not unusual to have food thrown at me. I cleaned, worked in the office, in the yard, did a man’s job because it paid a dollar more (shift work), carried health insurance as he was figuring out what he wanted to do and any time I cooked (which I’m not very good at) he fussed so a lot of food was thrown in my face. Mom always kept the freezer that they bought, full of all kind of hand shelled peas, cooked mustard and turnip greens, vegetable soup, Brunswick stew, cakes from scratch, ect…

    By the time our son was in the 12th grade, he told him he could only eat the cheap hotdogs (he would get two different kinds) and ramen soup. For some reason our son would accept and adapt, but that made him mad so he told him he had to get a job and buy his own. Our son had a strawberry birthmark on his chin so because of peer pressure I would not agree to him getting a job until he graduated, which was just a few months away. He and I started Christian Marriage Counseling and Marriage Matters thru the Church. Then he and our son got into it (a broken promise and a hotdog) and he hit our son in the back of the head with a wrench. Our son stayed with one of his friends and his parents and finished school, 2009. I tried for 3 more years, it only got worse. I had told him that maybe we could work on our relationship over the holidays and after the 1st of the year I was going to visit and help Mom, because Dad had to get chemo and radiation, Mon. – Fri., for 6 months.

    On Nov. 6, 2012, he grabbed my face squeezed it and punched the pillow several times. That was the first time that I felt like he wanted me dead. I didn’t say a word. The next day I called my Mom and they came and I’ve been in a different state since Nov. 15, 2012. Since then he has told me that his temper scared himself twice, once, when he spit in my face and when he grabbed my face. He also slipped up and told my Dad that he couldn’t sell the house because he had to sign a disclosure stating that he knew it had a black mold problem (I have COPD) he had POA over me at the time. He told our son he wasn’t able to work because he was too distraught since I left.

    He wouldn’t let our son live with him and he has two places to live. Our son also has lived with my parents. Sometime in September our son came to live with my parents and me. That’s when I told him he was old enough to be responsible for the decisions he makes and we could start a friendship that a parent and child should have. My son, one beautiful night, told me he had to show me something, so he took me down a country road. The moon was bright shining thru the pecan trees. When we got to the stop sign he told me to open my door. I did. He then told me to look down at the road. I said OK, he said right there is where you’re leaving all your bad memories. Then as we were headed back I asked him what do I do when something comes into my mind. He told me those are the lessons that I learned and that I was to hold onto what I had learned and to accept and adapt to things that happen in life.

    I named my son Jacob, because I knew God gave me the biggest blessing that I could ever receive. I didn’t know what to name him and God changed Jacob’s name to Israel. Jacob passed away Nov. 23, 2013, God has a new name for him. He was 22 and born when I was 30. I don’t know why things happen the way they do, but I know I would not want to give up the friendship that I had with my son. And in a marriage contract it also says to love and cherish, not hate and perish.

    1. Dear dear Vicki, How very sad I am for you that you suffered so at the hands and by the words and actions of your husband, and that your sweet, sweet son did too. Jacob sounds like a wonderful son to have been blessed with… may your memories of his love and grace warm your heart. 22 years is such a short time to live on this earth, but it sounds like he left you with a beautiful legacy to hug in your heart. You have suffered so many losses. How I pray the Lord brings you comfort. Finding a new “normal” to “adapt” to will be especially difficult for you to do. I pray you will… and that God will bring you a ministry to be involved in some day, in Jacob’s memory. As one mom to another, my heart hugs yours, even through the Internet. I have and will pray for you. I pray that eventually you will experience a brightness in your life, in your future.

      I also pray that you will find friends in your everyday life who will help you as you grieve. I encourage you to go into the “Prayer” topic of this web site… into the “Links and Recommended Resources” part of it and look through the web site links we provide. There are several prayer ministries listed that I hope you will take advantage of. You truly need others to lift you up in prayer and to cry with you, as you walk this very painful journey. May you experience moments of comfort.

  19. With all the suffering of victims of abuse, why does God allow such financial suffering after removing themselves from the abuser? Why does it seems the abuser goes on to financial security and happiness so easily? Why does God not take vengeance swiftly, while on this earth?

    1. There are some things that we’re just not supposed to know. That is where faith comes in. It would be such sweetness to see them get what we want them to get but is that what God wants us to do? He wants us to love and forgive and leave the retribution up to him. Believe me I know it sucks. I’ve had to start over twice. But I don’t regret a thing that I’ve gone through it because it brought me to a point of being saved.

      Yeah, I had been baptized and according to my mother that’s all I needed to have done but when I was finally at the end of my rope and really think I care whether I lived or died I asked God to please help me that I was not doing well running my life myself and he saved me because I genuinely asked him to help me and genuinely accepted him as my savior. It’s hard. He never said it was going to be easy but it is very worth it. Hang in there. Sou can do it starting over is not that bad one step at a time. You will be in my prayers

  20. What does the Bible say if your step-child is being abusive towards you and your spouse will not defend you? And please don’t tell me to keep praying and practice patience and love. I have been doing that for 8 years. Now this kid is an adult and even a bigger bully. He lived with his mom for about year only to get kicked out because he threatened her with a knife. I don’t feel comfortable living here any more, but at the same time I don’t want to break my vows. What can I do?

    1. You might consider separating from your husband until he is more serious about protecting BOTH of you. Your home should be a safe zone from any abusive behavior. We have articles on “Controlled Separation” and on separation with goals and rules and structure. Just look in the “Separation and Divorce” topic for insight on this issue. This is one of those times where separating yourself from the abuse this step son brings into your home seems like the wise thing to do. I hope it helps.

  21. Hi this is my situation: I had been in a physically, mentally, verbally abusive marriage of my husband of two years. We’re both Christians. My husband is an elect Bishop and very abusive. He constantly threatens me and threatens to kill me. I was at a point I feared for my life. I stayed in the marriage trusting God to help mend it, but things were just getting worse. He’s good for a couple weeks and then back to the same thing again. My feelings for my husband husband are not the same my feelings for him now. There’s hate and not love.

    He moved out a month ago and moved to another state. Now he’s insisting that I come with him because I’m his wife and God put us together… that my place is with him. He claims he knows how to love me now and that he’s sorry for the abuse. But he has told me that over and over again and still ends up doing the same thing. I’m at a point where I want to end this marriage. I know that is my decision. I need help and guidance through this.

    1. Please note, I’m very concerned wherein any human being feels it is God’s will for them to stay in an abusive relationship and allow their children to be at risk on any level.

      I encourage anyone (Male or Female) to love yourself and move out of harm’s way and Above All, use trustworthy resources to move to safety (sheltering arms) and the LAW to prosecute without hesitation.

      The Law is for the Lawless. A person has to want HELP and seek HELP to get HELP. Simply said, the Church should have ZERO Tolerance for any abuse (verbal, physical, and sexual). Forgiveness, yes, Prosecute -yes… You maybe a Christian HE or She is Not… God is Faithful.

  22. I have a question about the cycle of abuse. There have been studies that have shown that, as a woman, if you have grown in a family where you have witnessed and been part of domestic abuse, your chances to be in a domestic abusive relationship are much higher. My sister and I are that. Except that I am single and she is in a domestic abusive marriage. We both witness the same. We both got hit by our father with the exception that as adults he only hit her. He only kicked me out because he was upset at fan.

    He began going to church so regretted his action. I’m grateful and proud of the changes he has made, the turn around he has made and how now he is seeking the Lord. But that has not erased the past.

    How can my sister be in an abusive relationship and I’m not? How can our wounds be healed and be able to let go of the past? I mentioned to a godly woman that the root of why my sister’s predicament is that of the actions of my father. Her response was that we can’t blame our predicament on our father’s actions. She said that we’re adults now and we no longer can “blame” our father for our actions.

    I partially agree. It’s true that we’re now responsible for our actions. But there is no denying that our parents had some influence. I cannot say that our father has nothing to do with what is happening now. I’ve chosen to be single until I can be healed from this. My sister, on the other hand, has gone from one relationship to another, until she ended up with the worst kind. None of the other relationships were any better and he uses that as an excuse that he’s better than what she has ever had. How is this possible? How can I explain this?

    1. BG, Bless your heart… I’m so sorry that you have to deal with these types of issues, it should never be. No one deserves to have this happen to them. But I’m so glad for everyone concerned that your father has finally gotten help.

      However, you’re right in saying that your dad is and isn’t to blame. Yes, there comes a point where we need to stop blaming the person who abused us, but yes too, to the fact that there are memories and certain directions it all starts to send our lives, which can be problematic. If those memories and such are not properly dealt with, we will continue to be haunted by them and they could have a great influence upon our decision making for the rest of our lives, and any marriage we would ever have.

      I can’t answer for your sister… we are each our own persons. But I can tell you that I grew up in a bad background. A LOT of dysfunction happened and it greatly affected all 4 of us kids. With me being the oldest (plus I had other victimizations that happened to me at the hands of other family members that my siblings didn’t have), I got the brunt of much of it.

      However, my siblings seem to be the ones who have had the hardest time getting past their pasts. I have a brother (3 years younger than me) who went into drugs and alcohol as a form of self-medication, where he eventually died from the side effects of his addictions. How I miss him! I have 2 other siblings that have their own dysfunctions, including VERY unhealthy relationships of the past and present, and unhealthy coping “skills”, which have set their lives on unhealthy paths. I feel so bad for them, but there is little I can do, other than love them, and hope and pray that they will get onto better paths. My one brother HAS been making some good strides recently, so I’m hopeful for him.

      I had my own hauntings. But I have worked, and continue to work very hard on pushing through them. I refuse to live as a victim. I’ve gone to counseling, have taken classes, read and listen to what I can that will help me, and continually depend upon the Lord’s wisdom (that He gives when we ask for it), and His leading to “get healthy” and leave the past behind as the past. As a result, I feel that I am free. I haven’t acted out the dysfunction and have married a wonderful man who is my partner, not my abuser. You CAN get past your past. I’ve lived it, am living it, and have seen others do this too. But I have to say that this is more rare, than it is the norm for people to escape the victim status, because it takes real intentionality and painful times to get there.

      I say all of this to you because I believe that right now is a GREAT opportunity for you to do what it takes to get onto a healthier road than your sister has done. (Perhaps she will be inspired by you if you do what you can.) You recognize that we can drag our past into the present, which can sabotage your ability to leave the past as your past. That is a HUGE part in all of this. The first step is recognizing the ugly truth. And then the next step is pursuing the help that is needed (even if you go off on some bad roads at first because you THOUGHT they were good ones, you don’t give up finding a better one), and then applying the truths you discover that will best help you. What helps your sister or the next person may be different than what you need; please just recognize that.

      But I really, really encourage you, with all my heart to find a good counselor that can help you on this journey. Make it your job –your mission to get healthy emotionally, whether or not you ever marry. This is the best time to do this because you see and recognize the need. Perhaps marriage is in your future… I don’t know. But it’s good to properly deal with your past so you’re able to fully function without added baggage, no matter what you do.

      If you don’t know of a good counselor now, I suggest you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family ( They have counselors on staff… you can tell them what happened in the past to you, and they can get you started on a good path, and then recommend some good counselors, that you can contact, to best help you with the types of abuses you need to deal with. They have a great contact list, and I would think that they could send you off in a good direction.

      I hope for you, and pray for you that this will help. Please don’t give up, even when the journey gets painful, which it will… I’ve never seen otherwise. But it’s a lot like having surgery… after the initial cutting that needs to be done and the pain that will immediately bring, the healing afterward can get you onto a great path to get rid of all the pain. I’m sending love and prayers to and for you and yours as you pursue good emotional health.

  23. I really appreciate the depth and comprehensibility of this information. It’s vital that we all have a deeper understanding of these patterns that are becoming more and more prevalent in our homes.

    I was in a marriage for approximately 20 years, where I was subject to physical & emotional abuse, as well as adultery. In addition, the pastor at a church we attended, gave support to his harmful actions against our children and myself.

    I praise God that through our flawed legal system, His justice and mercy prevailed. We were able to accomplish much to provide boundaries, which are a necessity in these cases.

    I would like to hear more about what’s helped people, who are in faith, post-divorce and continue to deal with the behaviors that go along with being a continual target albeit a healthier distance. How do we continue to honor God AND each other at such a contentious point?

    I have many reminders to pray for my ex husband, who was conduit for an amount of pain I couldn’t see coming. Only by the grace of God I do. My children see a lot of their father and they attend church with him. He doesn’t physically abuse them, however, his ways have really twisted up their minds and perceptions of what the truth is. They question their ability to know what the truth is.

    Thankfully we do have God’s word to go back to and actions do speak louder than words. Wrath is mine says the Lord… I’m glad of that. It leaves me free to lay down whatever things may come to mind to do in retaliation. But the Lord does tell us to stand up and trust him. He is thankfully always with us. He works through us in unimaginable ways.

    I’m thankful to have really strong, wise, humble, experienced women of faith who help & pray with me and give me courage and clarity to take the next steps. Usually women in these situations become isolated, therefore cut off from that which would revive their spirits. I wonder if having a connection with those who can help, is a common denominator for women and men who successfully leave an abusive relationship.

  24. The question I want answered and am searching the web for it is this: Can someone heal from a sexually and emotionally abusive marriage and still remain in the same house? It seems like it would be impossible because the patterns are so ingrained… after 22 years. My spouse only just recognized a day ago what he has done to me. And bizarrely, I want to comfort him (yes, I see how sick that is).

    This is just one day of acknowledging before our therapist. Today he’s remorseful. But, that is just today. What happens when the shock clears from his recognition of what he has done? The pattern would be blame and denial. A way to justify his actions and remind me how “we both hurt each other -we are human.”

    I left him once a year ago and he believed I was having an affair (I wasn’t). It was so hard the first time. I went back because the “anger issue” seemed resolved. Seven months back and he’s still not lashing out at me… but the manipulation got sneakier and smarter and I only just caught on and see how I played right back into it. Paralyzed.

    1. Yes, Kay, it IS possible to get past this, but it certainly won’t be an easy journey, and it WILL need to be one where his eyes are fully open, and he wants to permanently change. That CAN happen, and perhaps he is at the beginning stage of this, but you both will have a painful journey ahead of you. You would have a painful one, either way –whether you stay together or you pull apart. Please try to see if you can do it together. Perhaps it will start out together, or separately and THEN together… I don’t know, but it IS possible that this situation can get to a place of healing and health, and peace, and love –healthy love.

      But because it’s so complicated, you will need help to get onto a better path to healing. I recommend you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family (which you can find at Go into their “Contact Us” and then their “Contact a Counselor” sections and reach out to a counselor so he or she can direct you to a good place to get the help you need. They will start you on this journey of healing, but then they can direct you to the resources that can help you beyond that. Please, please reach out to them. Start this journey with the help of others who will help you to see the possibilities to get to a better place emotionally and maritally, instead of living in the negative side of this –staying in a victim mode. You CAN get to a better place… I hope you will, pray you will. Please don’t stay paralyzed. I pray God helps you in the ways you most need it.

  25. Lord Jesus, please protect and pray for my son Julian that is in court right now. Put a veil over the judge and the attorney’s heart to give them love, understanding and compassion. Help him to win his case. Thank you. I love you so much.

  26. I am in a physically abusive marriage. I love my husband dearly; we have a two-year-old son. But I feel like I’m at the end of my rope. I feel a divorce is my only way out. I am at the point where I am fearing for my life. I really feel like there is no way out of this but to divorce and it’s killing me inside. I was never the type of little girl to dream about marriage. But somebody did marry me. One thing I always told myself is that if ever I were to get married I don’t want to remarry; I want to be married and stay married. but I feel like I have no choice I don’t know what to do please help.

    1. I have been in 2 Abusive relationships. They stem from my abusive childhood because that is all I knew. I thought being hit and verbal and emotionally abused was normal. Do you want your child to think that is normal? You have to get out of that situation. You need to make a plan and have somewhere safe that you can go with your child that he will not be able to find you. Leaving an abusive spouse is the most dangerous time in the relationship. It is imperative that you have a plan to leave. Where to go. Money to survive on. you need to call the police and inform them on what’s been going on and what you were planning to do.

      When you decide to leave, you need to call the police and tell them you are doing so. They do not need to know where you were going but they will protect you from your husband. God does not condone any of this in any form or fashion. It is not your fault. Nobody deserves to be abused for any reason. God saved me. and I know God will save you if you accept him. My church website is It is a wonderful Church in Port Orange Florida. It’s name is THRIVE. I will pray for you. Look at our website and listen to some of our sermons. God bless you and good luck.

  27. About a year and a half ago my husband started treating me differently secretive, cold, critic and even cruel. He would stay out all night and his phone would die but he was at his family’s house, none of whom apparently have a universal charger. My point being he was lying to me …my best friend and soulmate. I knew deep down why but did not want jump to conclusions. He is very careful always deleting text, skyping, or talking on FB.

    When I confronted him with actual evidence he hit me. Told me I was crazy that I had trust issues and needed help. But I did not want to give up on my marriage. I read books on how to make him attracted to me again and tried to work on things like trusting him without question and appreciating him, wearing a lipstick he liked. All this while going through my own personal battle with clinical depression and complete lack of self worth and respect. How can you respect yourself knowing you are allowing yourself to be treated so poorly and in front of your two young boys?

    But after daily put downs and never being able to please someone whom you want to please most in the world (all while some home wrecker is getting the kindness and respect you have earned). I let him consume my joy and SELF RESPECT. I want the man I married back… but I think he hates me. He has yet to admit anything to me; he hits me. I can’t handle him making me not love myself. I want a divorce. Please pray for my family. I don’t being divorced. I married him for all his qualities and flaws. I can forgive but not if he isn’t sorry. Please pray for the THE LAKE FAMILY.

  28. Hi my name is Alexandrea I have 3 children and I left my abuser. I’m in fear for my children’s lives and my own of course but I am willing to do what it takes to have my children safe. I recently had to put my abuser out because of the extent it came to and it was the first time physical force was used by him. I am having a hard time because I don’t want God to be mad at me if I have to defend myself, I feel like my emotions are everywhere. One minute I’m scared the next I’m angry, and when I’m threatened by my abuser I’m enraged because in the forefront of my mind I feel like he would thrive off my fear.

    I have prayed for God’s protection and also out of guilt that God would be angry with me. I feel God working in my situation as far as organizations, family, friends and my mind is slowly calming down. However I’ve been hypervigillant for over a month now and I have lost 21 lbs. Aside from this I have other things going on, I was trying to focus on and I feel the lack of focus. I want to cry and scream and cry some more, I feel guilty, like I’m a burden to everyone around me and I just want to get better. I saw this site and was hoping to get some advice or a way to vent these things to a Pastor or fellow Christian…whomever God appoints to give me some direction or to help me navigate my emotions the right way. I want to say thank you in advance because I know my Father will give what I am asking.

    1. Dear Alexandrea, Oh, how my heart goes out to you, especially with 3 children being involved. First, please know it is not your abuser is absolutely wrong for what he has done to you. I don’t care what your abuser says, abuse is NEVER a way for anyone to take out their frustration. You can’t MAKE him abuse you. That is a wrong choice HE is making. Also, it’s only natural for you to protect yourself and your children. God would never be mad at you for protecting yourself. But never, ever invite this abuser into your home or life again. You need to be wiser than this. Also, there are different ways you can protect yourself. Please read through the “Abuse in Marriage” topic for many, many ways you can do this.

      And then there are many ministries you can contact that can help you in different ways. I’m sure there are women’s shelters there in your part of the country. You can talk to them to get some additional information. Also, here’s a link to a page posted on our web site that have additional links you can use to talk to someone who better understands abuse issues than the average person knows: Many well-meaning people will give bad advice because they haven’t worked with those who have the sick mindset of an abuser. Please read through the articles and contact the ministries you feel will best help you. It may be a life and death issue. I pray you find the help you truly needs.

    2. Hi Alexandria. I just want you to know up front God will never leave you or forsake you. He is the breath you breathe. Inhale him instead of fear. God sees your heart and he is your friend and he will hover over and protect you all. If you serve God he is not the author of confusion. He loves you and cares when your head is bowed low. Lift your head high, you are protecting your family.

      There are 2 voices. One is from God and the other is from Satan. Every time satan tries to attack my mind I read a scripture out loud. Even a Psalm runs him from my mind. I claim victory for you and those children. I am here if you need a Christian friend in Christ. God Bless you in your new Journey with Christ. I also am going through a battle and I’m on this page for support also through this but my faith is in God not man. Smile you will overcome every obstacle. Hold on to God!!!!!

  29. I married a man I met in Church and would not have changed a thing about him except to draw closer to God. I was married 2 yrs and then one day I got a message from his ex wife which I have never seen nor knew what she looked like because he had no pictures of her at all. They had been divorced for 5 yrs. I was married to one man for 39 yrs and he died from cancer in 2010. I waited years to date. This woman texted me and said she wanted her husband back and I responded back that I would pray for her a new husband but she chose to divorce him for a Heroin dealer. I told her I could not break my vow to God. She then responded she would ruin our marriage. I prayed and did not respond back.

    He now sits in prison from her false allegations of sexual abuse towards their children in 2004/2006. My question is if she knew this why did she stay in this marriage 8 more years if this was true. She even told me she made a mistake divorcing him. We were in a ministry and I have never smoked, drank or done drugs in my life. This was something I was not ready for in my walk with Christ. I have been saved since I was 10 years old and he was a Christian man for years. People have told me to divorce him but God reminds me daily where is my faith.

    I read the word and search for answers but I know this woman is deep in sin and I need to pray for her to turn her life over to Christ but this is a hard thing for me is to sit here married to an accused sex offender as they have labeled my darling husband. Please give me scripture. I did sit through the whole trial and the Holy Spirit was there and I saw many lies and conflict. I have aquired a Christian lawyer and we are fighting the courts. I’m claiming the promises of God that the wicked will be destroyed; but me, all I want is Jesus first, then my husband back home and working for God as we were before. Some say I need counseling; I say I trust God he said he would not put any more on me then I could bear. I know he is able to break those chains. My husband is innocent.

  30. I want to believe that God can do something radical and life-changing to my emotionally abusive husband whom I have separated from. I was hoping to have read examples of how God changed the heart of the abusive man; much in the same way that he changes the heart of the sinner to become righteous.

  31. My father verbally, mentally, physically abused all of my four siblings for all of our lives. He would hold us by our throat against the wall to where our feet would not touch the floor. I remember as a little girl looking around for my mom to help and she was always walking away. She would go to her room and shut the door and allow it to happen. My father beat and killed one of our pets in front of my brother to punish him.

    I know now that God is my father and loves me unconditionally. My sister-in-law thinks that my parents will still go to heaven despite what they did without having to say I’m sorry. what does the Bible say will happen to people who do this to their children and never make any effort to make it better? Please I would like to know.

    I want to know does the Bible automatically forgive the parents when this happened? My sister-in-law just told me that the Bible will automatically forgive them without them having to ask for it. I really need to know the answer to whether God automatically forgive them or do they need to ask for forgiveness. I have forgiven them but have been praying for them everyday that God softens their heart and realize what damage they have done so they can at least say I’m sorry and beg God for forgiveness.

    Does God honestly just automatically forgive them? Because it was absolutely horrible what we went through on a daily basis. It has caused one of my brothers to try suicide twice, me twice, my sister just doesn’t care about anyone. One brother ran away and we haven’t seen him since. I have recently been saved and have forgiven them but always thought you had to accept Jesus as your savior and admit what you’ve done and try to help the people that you hurt. Why my sister-in-law told me no you don’t have to do that but they will be forgiven and will go to heaven that totally confused me. Please answer me this question.

    1. Fran, How sad I am for you that you experienced the abuse you did as a child –it was absolutely wrong in every way. Parents are supposed to support and help you to grow healthy, and strong, not weaken their children by assaulting them. My heart cries for you that you had to suffer in this way. But I rejoice that you will now be experiencing more and more freedom in Christ. We are now sisters :)

      I need to say that your sister-in-law may be well meaning in wanting to extend forgiveness to all, but she is misguided. We receive forgiveness when we personally ask for it, not just because we’re alive. The price Jesus paid on the cross is not cheap… it was bought with a price. What is required is to be sorry for your sin, ask for forgiveness from God through the forgiveness Jesus gives, and then repent (turn away from sinful ways).

      Read your Bible and you will see that spoken about over and over again; it talks about forgiveness being given when we ask for it sincerely. We’re told in the Bible, in 1 John 1:9 that “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” There IS a condition –we must ask for it from God. But we must know that God knows the difference between empty words and true confession. Your parents would need to confess with sincere hearts, and then by God’s grace, they will be forgiven. It doesn’t erase the wrongness of what they did, but the blood of Christ covers the penalty required of God for the sins committed. Sometimes there are still human consequences that they may have to go through (God doesn’t erase that), but God grants forgiveness on His part.

      I am so proud of you Fran, that you are able to forgive –that will free YOU, especially. Praying for them is important. Please look through the Bitterness and Forgiveness topic, particularly the Quotes part of it so you will better understand forgiveness and the many aspects of it. You can find it at: You may want to refer your sister-in-law to it, as well. She most likely means well, but she does not grasp the truth as much as she should.

      I pray for you Fran… My love and prayers go out to you. “May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing His will, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Jesus Christ to whom be the glory for ever and ever.” (Hebrews 13:20-21) I encourage you: “As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” (Colossians 2:6-7)

      1. Thank you very much for your reply. I just made another statement on the website but I made an error. My father killed my brother’s pet in front of him because he did not put his laundry up. I am hard of hearing and I did not proofread what I said earlier today so it came out that he killed my brother. He did not kill my brother he killed my brother’s pet in front of him. I remember hiding and begging my mother to make him stop but all my mother did was just walk into the room and close the door.

        I have an absolutely wonderful church called Thrive Port Orange Florida that God sent me to. When my sister-in-law told me that it just absolutely left me speechless. I told her that you have to accept Jesus Christ as your savior and repent and ask for forgiveness from the people you have harmed. This has to be sincerely felt and not just said. She told me I was wrong. Thank you very much for your reply; it has helped me tremendously. God bless.

    2. My name is Fran and I’m just found out something else from my brother. My father being killed my brother had in front of him because he did not put his laundry up. I talked with my fiance last night and he said absolutely you do have to accept Jesus Christ as your savior and repent your sins and try to live a Christian Life. We will sometimes fail because we are human but God knows what’s in our heart and that we are trying.

      Is there anyone out there who agrees with my sister in law that you don’t have to repent in order to be forgiven? You don’t have to accept Jesus Christ as your savior and you don’t have to try to live a Christian life in order to be saved. She and I have been friends for years and has always been a Christian and when she said this is just left me speechless. I understand now with God’s help that it was them who had the problem and they were trying to deflect their problems onto me and my siblings. If anyone can you help me with this situation, please help me. God bless and prayers always. Thank you.

      1. Hi Fran, First of all , I would like to say that I am very sorry you had to endure such mistreatment at the hands of the person who is supposed to be your protector and provider when you are a young child…. Terrible! I admire you for coming through so well and am so thankful that you realize that God is your Father and He loves you unconditionally. It took me MANY years to appreciate this wonderful truth. My youth also involves abuse of several kinds.

        Whenever we have such questions, we need to go to Scripture and see what Scripture says. See what you think of these references below:

        I address each of your sister in law’s phrases as follows:
        “you don’t have to repent in order to be forgiven”
        Luke 13 v3 and v5. ” I tell you, no, but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.”
        Mark 1 v14, 15 Now after John had been taken into custody, Jesus came into Galilee preaching the gospel and saying, “the time is fulfilled, and the Kingdom of God is at hand, repent and believe in the gospel.”

        1 Peter 2 v24 “and He Himself bore our sins on the Cross so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness, for by His wounds you were healed.” (“Die to sin” is a willful decision with the same meaning as “repent” (which means to change your direction away from sin and toward what is good, as Cindy said earlier)

        Romans 6 v1,2 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace might increase? v2 May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?” Clearly Paul is speaking to Christians who understand that an essential element of their standing as Christians includes “dying to sin”

        “You don’t have to accept Jesus Christ as your savior”: The Bible tells us, John 3 v16 “God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life.” John 14 v6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.” Romans 10 v9 “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, then you shall be saved.” Ephesians 2 v8,9 “For by grace you have been saved, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of (good) works, so that no one can boast.”

        “you don’t have to try to live a Christian life in order to be saved.” – Strictly speaking, this is true. Living the Christian life, or trying to live the Christian life, in itself, does NOT in itself, save a person. This would amount to earning your salvation by works.
        Ephesians 2 v8,9 “For by grace you have been saved, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God, not as a result of (good) works, so that no one can boast.”

        HOWEVER, it is clear that James Chapter 2 teaches us that when a person is truly saved, that that person will have no real desire for sinful ways. He may slip, or make the odd mistake, or wrong decision, but these are occasional. When a person practices sinful ways, this is a “different animal” Then that person should question whether they are really saved.

        Addictions, compulsive behaviors, etc. not withstanding, when a person “pursues sinful habits” then the waters “become very cloudy” indeed. We are not in a position to assess (judge) such things, the final judgement belongs to God alone. See in particular James 2 v20-23. Here Abraham obeys God and offers Isaac. His faith is strong, he truly believes God, and therefore obeys God even though the degree of difficulty is extreme. His works (the act of offering Isaac) is proof that his faith is real.

        To conclude, I think the above is in agreement with your statement here below:
        “I talked with my fiancé last night and he said absolutely you do have to accept Jesus Christ as your savior and repent your sins and try to live a Christian Life. We will sometimes fail because we are human but God knows what’s in our heart and that we are trying.”

        The above Scriptures, in my opinion, go against your sister in law’s position, as I believe I have shown above. I hope this helps! God is looking after you Fran!! Take care of yourself!! WP (Work in Progress – I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children)

  32. I agree with this post but I am so lost in court system and my opening up about domestic violence and sexual abuse. The law sees minor complaints of reports in others who report, so they think these are all made up stories and he has not broken the law. So what really is sexual abuse and verbal abuse? If he has exposes himself to children and attacks another woman and her child, sexually talks to children, and exposes himself to an elderly woman… is that sexual harassment? They say it’s just bad parenting and there is not enough proof to say he is a breaker of the law but his bad behavior is part of my divorcing him and bad parenting.

    They say even if he has criminal records it does not take his right away for visitation. I have been forced to allow it even though in my heart and in biblical standards he broke the law. But legally the CPS and Law does not see it this way. What am I supposed do, go on and trust the court and the lawyer? It’s just hard that my words against him on my observations are not enough to show them to prevent visitation. What’s wrong with this System? It’s hard when a Pastor denied he molested a child even though he told others in the church, yet he denied it to the police.

    My heart is being torn apart listening to how the courts and law sees it but it’s not enough when I am being honest from my heart, and am trying to be a protective mother as a Christian to prevent any more abuse from him or a bad relationship that is destroying my children.

    I need you Lord, even more after losing the battle with the court not believing me. They question why it has taken me so long leave him, but now they are using abuse as an excuse saying it is a bad divorce. This so wrong. I was so love blinded and my pastor told me to stick with marriage, brush the abuse under the rug, and made me feel at fault.

    I’ve prayed hard. I know the Lord does not want a wife or children to be in an abusive relationship that does not show Christ’s love and is in need of repentance. I gave him one year but he went into another relationship without us, not even divorced yet. Is this right or biblical? It hurt me deeply. It’s just so hard to believe the Court is not protecting me and the children properly. My testimony is not enough. I want to trust the Court to do the right thing but it seems it is not properly handled. As a Christian it is just so hard to see where God is working in this or is showing me what to do. The court is tearing me apart. I want peace to know legally that I will be protected. But I trust God to protect me, even though the court should do better to believe me.

    1. Hi Beverly, I hope my answer is not too late… In your first paragraph, your descriptions certainly sounds like sexual harassment/abuse to me. This clearly goes beyond “bad parenting.” However, it is the proof, which is difficult. We had the same problems with our daughter when she was in a similarly abusive relationship for 8 years. Proving the boyfriend did what my daughter alleged was very difficult. Therefore the boyfriend, and father of my daughter’s oldest little girl, is allowed visitation rights, similar to what you are describing. The boyfriend also has a criminal record, similar to your situation. Your situation sounds very much like that of our daughter… she was love blinded too.

      No, we do not have to trust the lawyers and the court system. We need to trust God… and do our part and leave the rest to Him. This sounds easy but you and I both know it is NOT easy. However, I think you will agree that there is no other option. (Would we really want another option?) Why we had to go through 8 years of anguish not knowing what would happen to our daughter, I do not know. We still do not know everything which happened to her. We do know that God has taken care of her, and of our granddaughter. They’re both fine now. My daugher is now with another fine young man and they’re buiding a family together. The former boyfriend still has visitation rights to our granddaughter, but all indications are that these visits are going well. This is clearly God’s work!! All I can say is that continued trust in God, as hard as it looks now, is the best way to go. I hope you read this text… and that we hear from you… WP (Work in Progress)