What does the Bible say about Abuse and Domestic abuse? Does it even address it? Are there scriptures on abuse and domestic violence? The simple answer is YES! Those who believe otherwise are delusional, or they need more information than they’ve had up until now.
First of all, it is NOT okay for one spouse to commit violence against the other. It is something God hates. Also, for those of you who are victims of abuse in your marriage, PLEASE don’t be fooled into thinking that you “deserve it.” You don’t. Your spouse may tell you this is so and saying that the Bible even condones it, but that is not true.
Abuse in Marriage
That’s why we have the topic, “Abuse in Marriage” that deals with this subject. We hope to help those who visit this web site become more aware of biblical truths concerning abuse.
That is also why we put together this article. The Bible says, “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence his soul hates“ (Psalm 11:5). Anything God “hates” we should take note of and therefore, hate and reject it as well.
Violence is not something the Lord condones in the home. This is especially true within a Christian marriage where marriage is a living picture of Christ’s love for the church. Those who tell you that the Bible condones abuse in marriage are misguided and wrong.
To help prove this, lets look at what the Bible has to say about abuse. The following are web site links (to Focus Ministries and Suite 101) to articles you can click into so you can read:
• WHAT DOES THE BIBLE SAY ABOUT VIOLENCE AND ABUSE?
More to Glean Through
These next two articles come from different web sites and hopefully, will help you further see that as Christians, we are wrong if we think that the Lord would sanction or condone abuse in the home.
The first article is written by Fiona Soltes and is posted on the web site for Lifeway Ministries. It gives an overall look at how Christians view abusive relationships and what they can and should do about it. Please click onto the link below to read:
• AN INSIDE LOOK AT ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS
This next article is posted on the web site BeenThinking.com where Bible teacher and author Mart De Haan reconsiders how he originally looked at abuse in marriage and what he’s since learned as he’s studied the Bible more in depth on this subject:
Furthermore
There is another excellent article, which is posted on Todayschristianwoman.com web site. We believe you will find it helpful for those who are under the opinion that abuse is just about violence to the body. Yes, it is definitely that. But there is a whole mind set and behavioral pattern that includes control issues that go along with it as well.
The author Gwyneth Nelson never thought she would be involved in a marriage rocked by violence and control issues. That is because both she and her husband were Christians. As she said, “I couldn’t believe this was my reality and I couldn’t see a way out.” It’s a sad but true story of two people in love where abusive behavior became a way of life. Please click onto the link provided below to learn from and read:
• MY ABUSIVE “CHRISTIAN” MARRIAGE
— ALSO —
There are a number of insightful articles, which are posted on the web site for FOCUS Ministries on Domestic Violence. We believe you will find answers to some of your questions on this heart-wrenching issue. Rather than explain each one to you, we encourage you to choose the ones that apply to your marriage. To choose the articles you would like to read:
May we always:
“Remember those in prison
as if you were their fellow prisoners,
and those who are mistreated
as if you yourselves were suffering“
(Hebrews 13:3).
If You Are the Victim of Abuse:
We pray that the scriptures, and what you have learned through the additional linked articles provided, plus what is posted on the Marriage Missions web site —particularly in the “Abuse in Marriage” topic, will help you. Please reach out to the Lord and to those He provides to assist you, to find a place of safety and peace.
If you are an abuser, we pray your eyes will be opened. We hope you will reach out to the Lord and to those who can best help you, to stop the violence you are committing against your spouse. Today is the day to start the journey to bring peace into your home.
Finally, if you are a friend, family member, or someone who can make a difference to help those who are oppressed, we pray the Lord will empower and lead you to do what it takes to bring help, hope and peace into homes that are racked by violence.
This article was compiled by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(PHILIPPINES) I have been in an emotional, verbal and physically abusive marriage too long. I can only admit it now because of many instances and last Jan 3, my husband passed away due to colon cancer.
(SOUTH AFRICA) God is a merciful one. We commit you into the hand of the Lord through his love. From, Pastor Dennis
I am sorry that your husband passed, I pray that you feel peace. It takes courage to admit that you have been abused. I also am a survivor of abuse. I will say the prayer for you that is posted above. I will also pray that you can feel Gods love for you, and his hand of protection. I also pray that this is a new day and a new life. With tremendous love, LPT Melissa
(USA) I am constantly crying and feel very fragile. At times because of my faith and my worship, I get picked up. But, the words my husband says to me every 3 to 6 months hurt. They dig deeper and deeper into the scar that now seems to deep to heal.
I love Him, but I hate what He is doing to me. I know others tell me it’s not Him and it’s the devil. But, come on… 26 years is too long to keep blaming the devil. I am so scared. I have cried out to God. I don’t want a divorce. But… his constant put downs and NON-DISPLAY OF AFFECTION leaves me feeling so lonely, so alone.
He goes to church, yet doesn’t really seem like He did. It leaves me feeling confused and sad. As if know one can really help me. I cry out to God. Please help me. Please… Please… I am aging more rapidly with all this loss of sleep and loneliness.
I have decided to step down from worship, because it’s too embarrassing how he treats me in hope that everything will go back to normal. And I know it will, but only to lasts for a few months, until He belittles me again or verbally abuses me. What can I do Lord?
Do not ever quit going to church just because of him. It is his problem. His embarrassment. Not yours. sometimes a divorce is necessary in order to save yourself. God does not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. I was in a couple of abusive relationships because I thought that was normal. I was physically mentally and emotionally abused as a child and this does carry on until adulthood. You do not deserve this. God did not intend for you to have to do this. He thinks we are wonderful and has a purpose for you. And that purpose is not for you to take someone else’s abuse.
If he refuses to get help then you need to leave. Do not leave the church because only God can help and save you from this. And you will find yourself getting stronger and stronger if you get in a good church. My church is named Thrive And it has truly saved my life. We have a website. And that website is wearethrive.org. Only God is going to be able to save you and get you out of this situation. You need to have a plan know when you leave because leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time in the relationship. Make sure you have a support group there to help you.
And please look on our website and listen to some of our sermons. We are in Port Orange Florida. Do not quit going to church because of him because only God will help you.
(RSA) The secret place, your right to divine protection. Please notice that for the man who fears the Lord, there is a place prepared for, called God circle blessings. From, Pastor D
(UNITED STATES) Recently, as in the last week, our former youth pastor was convicted of and sentenced to prison for having sex with his step daughter. (He had been in her life since she was 3 years of age.) This has divided a church and I am so torn as to how I am to react, interact and minister to this family. The wife is determined to save the marriage and the daughter has shut down and doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. I have a hard time believing in restoration of this marriage. It pains me to see what message this sends to their children.
I know God hates violence, I know God hates sexual immorality and I also know that God forgives his people. I don’t know what to say to the wife and even more what to say to the victim. I know this is not an easy question but I can’t not understand why you would stay and even more why you would WANT to stay.
My question is really to help me sort this out so I don’t say the stupid thing when we talk about this. I don’t want to remain silent if there is loving truth I can say.
(US) Carol–The story you shared is mindblowing–surprisingly not so much regarding the youth pastor molesting or raping his daughter, but the wife wanting to restore this marriage. Christianity can really get screwed up when we’re hearing so many messages. I know that we are under grace and not law but this is sick. Under law this man would probably have been put to death, while under grace he is certainly forgiven because of the blood of Jesus; however Jesus cares about the victim too.
Paul talked about a similiar situation in 1 Cor. when he rebuked the church for allowing a man who was having an affair with his stepmother to continue fellowshipping. He said that this was something that even gentiles would not have tolerated. Not only should this man be put out of fellowship but that marriage has definitely become dishonorable. The daughter has been hurt and tramautized and will need to be loved into wholeness. How can that happen if she sees her mother protecting the very one who hurt her.
Yes God can help the daughter forgive and can bring healing into that family but would he want to save the marriage at the expense of the broken daughter? This to me paints a picture of a wickedly twisted and perverted God. It also says alot about the wife–perhaps she has been abused and is unable to fully grasp the severity and the darkness of this situation.
Jesus came to give us life and he says that he delivered us from the power of darkness. This is very dark. I would be praying that the wife get help as well as the husband and daughter. God specializes in restoration so it does not seem impossible to me that everyone involved can be healed, restored, and delivered. If I were talking to the wife I would encourage her to seek counseling because I really do believe that she herself has experienced abuse of some kind. She is not emotionally stable. Children look to their parents to protect them. If one parent is not able you’d expect the other parent to do whatever neccessary to protect. I truly pray that our loving Father guides your church into being able to handle this the way the Holy Spirit would lead as well as the actual individuals involved.
(US) Ann, I am sure that your response is not quite biblical. You cannot say God is loving and forgiving in the same sentence with perversion. Your response exposes the fact that your feelings and emotions are driving your thoughts, which the Bible calls unstable. The truth is that if this woman chooses reconciliation, that is her decision. It is not an unbiblical one. Whether I or you think it is right or wrong or even foolish, it is a decision is that hers to make. God is not a pervert or wicked for guiding her to do so if indeed God is moving her by His Spirit.
This is by far unwise counsel. I believe until you or Carol are able to speak encouragement and words of hope and comfort that are not tainted by your emotions and opinions, the best counsel you can give is to NOT say anything because it is blantantly obvious that you are not being led by the Spirit. Blessings!
(USA) Thom, she is speaking Biblical… Proverbs also admonishes violence and says to have nothing to do with wickedness. Abusing a child is wickedness. Jesus said it is better for a man to have a millstone tied to his neck and cast in the river than to cause harm to a child. The infidelity of the abuse is grounds for divorce!
I understand there is room to be forgiving but a person’s character needs to be proven to the victims… And a clear compassion needs to be bestowed upon all… Including the young girl-first and foremost. The wife is putting her own desires for marriage (whose vows were broken) before her daughter’s need to heal. That perpetuates the abuse on the child. The mother is being insensitive to the daughter’s needs. She was her daughter’s mother before she was that man’s wife. She should heal from her idolization of marriage.
God did not extend a cheap Grace, nor should we.
Exactly right!!
Born saints I take it…
God gave us free will. This is where we as humans have totally screwed up the world. It’s the mother’s responsibility to protect her daughter at all costs. The term it takes a village to raise a child means it is everyone’s responsibility to protect children at all cost. When abuse is seen and known it is everyone’s responsibility to help that child. The Stepfather needs help and guidance but cannot be around the stepdaughter. The mother staying with the stepfather is basically telling her child that she doesn’t believe her, nor does it matter what happened to her. This is almost as traumatic to the child as the actual sexual molestation done by The Stepfather. It is the mother’s free will to choose whether to stay with this man. God does not frown upon a woman protecting her child from a molester. He expects it. we are all children to God.
The Stepfather needs to legally be held accountable for his actions and can receive help in jail or outpatient counseling but he needs to be away from the daughter. The mother and the daughter also need to have separate counseling. Only after counseling can the decision be made to restore the marriage. But that would be the Free Will choice of the woman to choose whether to remarry the man or not. The bottom line is the child’s best interests are not being served by staying with her molester. No where in the Bible does it say that we must stay with someone who is abusing us. We can forgive these people and we need to forgive these people for ourself but that doesn’t mean that we have to continually put ourself in the position to be abused again. That is what the mother is doing if she chooses to stay with this man and make her daughter live in the same house as her molester.
Joyce Meyers has a book that is called “Perfect Love”. It’s an excellent book on how she overcame her sexual molestation by her father. I highly recommend this woman to read it. God is not provided in any way shape or form. It is our use of the free will that God gave us that gives us perversion, abuse, and all the other sins that are committed. My thoughts and prayers will go out to this family but make no mistake, the child’s interest need to be top and foremost.
(USA) The mother is more concerned about her marriage than about helping her daughter heal. Advise that the Lord hates violence more than he hates divorce… It is her responsibility to help her daughter heal… And she needs to heal herself from her own neediness of marriage… A separation would be healthiest for all… Especially as long as the husband needs counseling and as long as her daughter needs to heal.
(USA) I am just curious what happened to this family. I noticed the original post was from December 2010. Were you able to resolve your own feelings about the situation in order to minister to the families needs? Did the family seek out counseling? Obviously the mother didn’t enable the abuser because a conviction was garnered. It is obvious with a conviction involved a separation would have occurred in the family as well which would have lead to a cooling off period for the mother and the daughter. Did they seek counseling and has the family since healed?
It is your duty to preach and to minister to the woman and the child. The woman needs to understand that her child will be forever harmed if she takes this man back. It is her responsibility to take care of her child. If the stepfather truly asks God for forgiveness God will forgive him but in order to protect this child which is what God wants each and everyone of us to do, to me that is what it takes a village to raise a child means.
This woman has to keep that child away from this man. This child is looking to her mother for protection. You need to minister this woman her responsibility to the child and it is now God’s responsibility for The Stepfather. the girl will need some counseling as well as the mother but it is imperative that The Stepfather not ever be brought back into the picture. God bless and good luck.
The fact that this wife wants to stay with the man who molested her daughter is abuse alone. Someone needs to speak up for this child. And if CPS needs to be called in order for the child to be protected then someone needs to call CPS. If this woman takes this man back she is basically telling her daughter that she doesn’t matter and what happened to her is okay.
Now we as Christians and adults know that it is not ok. What that man did was criminally wrong, spiritually wrong, and morally wrong. This child did nothing to deserve this and needs to be told this and put into an environment to where she has nothing but unconditional love and counseling. It takes a village to raise a child and when people see a child who is being put in a position like this that is what that phrase means. Someone needs to call CPS if the woman decides to go back with this man. The child is who needs to be protected. The child has no voice except from her parents and from people around who know what the situation is.
If the wife is reading this reply, please if you love your daughter at all do not go back with this man. Get your daughter help. It is imperative that you believe her and support her. God will take care of yourhopefully soon-to-be ex-husband. You and your daughter need counseling separately and together and find a good church to go for your spiritual needs. God will help you and your daughter get through this. You will be in my prayers. My church has a website and it is http://www.weareThrive.Org. It is a non-denominational church that absolutely saved my life. Listen to some of our sermons they are truly life-altering. Good luck and if you don’t remember anything from this conversation please remember this – do not go back to this man!
(US) I work for a DV shelter in Wisconsin. I have seen a lot of very sad situations. God keeps me at peace, I often feel like I want to save the world but I can’t do it all. I’m moving to GA soon and I want to work with the abusers. We have so many programs for the ladies but until we deal with the abusers we’re going in circles. I feel they should be counseled, mentored & taught what GOD SAYS ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!! I’m really hoping I could connect with a shelter in or shelters in GA.
(USA) Why assume the victims are all women? People abuse. It’s not a gender trait, it’s a character trait. Stop speaking as if the victims are all women and the abusers are all men.
When a woman divorces her husband, and 2/3rds of all divorces are initiated by women, and only about 6% of those husbands divorced are adulterous or abusive, (redundant since cheating on your spouse is emotional abuse) that means the other 94% of women (and men, but we are talking about those who file the majority of divorce actions right now) who walk out or kick out their husbands are emotionally abusing their husbands, if not other types of abuse.
So please, get the false notion out of your head that women are a minority of abusers. They are as sinful as men and simply choose different means, means that society doesn’t currently consider abusive to perpetrate their abuse. So by all means, deal with the abusers, ALL the abusers.
Remember, there are no excuses for abuse, not physical abuse, not verbal abuse, nor emotional abuse. So any abuser, man or woman cannot hide or shift blame due to some circumstance they wish to present.
Women who claim they fell out of love with their husbands are simply using the form of argument that is rejected from male abusers. We don’t accept “she made me do it” from male abusers, and we need to stop accepting it from the women who say, “he made me do it” when they claim if only their husband would have been more _________, or less _______, when they choose to divorce him and take his kids in search of her happiness. That is abusive to her husband and her children. Where is the outrage?
(UNITED STATES) You are right not all abusers are men some are women. The fact is; the real fact that there is less than 10 % that are male victims. Now it is a fact that approximately 90% of abusers are men. So don’t get upset when people say or refer to abusers as men or he. Now if you were talking about child abuse you could reverse those stats and say women are the perdominate abusers. The argument is not who does it the most or who did this or that. Why should you ask for a divorce even matter like there is some excuse to a abuser’s behavior? There is not one. Abuser’s make a choice, it’s not a sickness, it’s a learned behavior in certain cases, it is a power & control issue. There is no excuse for it.
(UNITED STATES) Tony, just to remind you, don’t always go by appearances or even words. My “husband” filed divorce against me in ’98. I was going to separate from him for a time because he was yelling, threatening and there were several other problems… but one night he tried to pick me up and shove me out of the house. I called the police. I came back to get clothing and such for me and our daughters and had made arrangements to stay with a friend temporarily. Divorce was not on my mind, but solving the problems was.
He had filled out divorce papers but not filed them. The pastor was at the house; I walked in and handed him and my “husband” a drink I had bought them on my way. Our two young daughters were right behind me. All of a sudden, his brother swooped around, grabbed the girls and took off! His vehicle was no where to be seen and I noticed in the next instant the kitchen phone was GONE. All of a sudden, I realized I might be in danger. I took off to find a phone, called the police hysterically then went back to the empty house. When police arrived, I was cleaning up a picture I’d smashed (I’d grabbed it, instinctively, and smashed it to gain a few moments when I realized the betrayal and no way to call for help) and I was in emotional shock.
Next thing I knew, I was being sent to the hospital because I was allegedly “homicidal”. I spent a week there before I realized I was actually free to leave, as I never fulfilled any of the bogus criteria. In meantime, husband filed for divorce and shut down our joint banking, taking it all for himself. I went through many months of being terrorized (and again, hospitalized via his lies). He didn’t want a divorce, he told me. He had been FORCED, so he lied (as I learned this past year or so), to file that and for “temporary custody-emergency”. He wanted a divorce, but the other thing I learned recently was that the “settlement” his attorney drew up would NEVER have stood up in Court… it awarded him EVERYTHING except for our broken down car with no heat. I would be “allowed” to visit my children in the presence of “husband” or his parents, ONLY. So I gave in, thinking that was what I would “get”. By now, I had been misdiagnosed with mental illness I DID NOT have and panic attacks were totally missed by the doctors.
A little over a year later, he started it all again, filling out the paperwork, threatening me … so I went down and filed. I only wish I had been smart enough to have filed his papers, because our children thought I deserted them. I figured if I went peaceably, maybe I wouldn’t have to go through the hell I did. I was wrong. The hell started back up AFTER the divorce was final. “Husband” and his mother colluded to keep the children from me, lied to them, telling them I had bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia, and “mo-in-law” told a 10 and 11 year old that “mommy is going to kill you”. They worked to get me under restricted and supervised visitation … his many overt denials to allow visitation were NEVER addressed by the Court and when I tried to get a restraining order because of his threats and yelling when I did exercise visitation were terrifying to me, as well as our daughters, who would refuse to come with me, hiding … well, that ended up getting me put in jail, because when the restraining order was refused (I didn’t know you have to file it in the divorce Court), I was hit with contempt for trying to protect our children. I don’t care though, I refused to answer the judge and hand children over to a terrorizing bully.
So even when the woman files, it might not be what it “seems” and what the other person says (and I am sure that applies to men as well). All of his lies, the collusion with his relatives and this “pastor” who betrayed my trust ended up with me being seen as a lunatic, totally non-credible, etc. Funny thing though, despite his continued post divorce bullying… I got BETTER over time. I ended up, though HAVING to come back to this “marriage” as I was advised there was no way the custody would ever be changed in my favor. So, I did… but only after a year or so of trying to determine if problems and emotions would be handled differently. Seemed so… and that was approximately 6-7 years ago.
2 years ago, he filed divorce again… he was having an affair with a married woman who he thought would marry him. I was more assertive and wouldn’t do what he told me to do. He ordered me out of “his” house (of which he cheated me $10,000 in equity in previous divorce, though that was not my total “loss”). I refused as I learned more of my rights and treatment for the PTSD INJURIES I sustained at his hands (and his cronies) had helped, plus I spent much time in my Bible and my relationship with the Lord. So he is trying to reduce me to financial ruin, since I wouldn’t obey. I have a judgment against him for over $5,000… he ignores it. I AM THE ONLY ONE expected to follow Court orders. My car keeps breaking down, so I will probably lose my other job… a bitter blow for someone who lives 20 miles from “civilization”. He refuses to make a settlement. well, he made one offer and rescinded it after I spent about $300 going over it with my attorney and accepting it.
Personally, I wish someone WOULD make some changes… DV or spousal bullying shouldn’t mean the target has to run away and give up everything, especially after having their world turned upside down from abuse. And churches? Well I’ve tried to get the leaders of the churches to speak with him, take some action, but apparently, that’s not okay with them, despite the many mentions of reproof and responsibility for erring brothers and sisters. He and his mother are both church members and supposedly, Christians, although I sure don’t see it. It really angers me that not only will they not speak with him (impotent god?) but protect or help? I was actually TOLD, twice that I should go, “since I was unhappy there”.
All I can say, is my Lord removed me from a toxic situation and healed my mind and restored me… even to the point that up til all broke loose, things were fairly smooth and our children doing much better. The Lord has gotten me through, though I cry a great deal at times (mostly when I am doing car repairs… brakes, replacing lug studs, cable shifters, belts and all… because it often is a lot harder and takes longer and makes me late to work and I have nobody to help me); I am under a great deal of emotional stress and get a lot of our daughter’s anger (I hear it is because I’m the “safe” adult). My Lord isn’t impotent and I sure would like it if some church had one… like the Lord God revealed in the Bible. So appearances, as is also stated therein, can BE deceiving. I too blamed myself for much that I learned had nothing to do with me… and my husband remains living next door, with his mother… and those two “Christians” act as if I was dead, or non-existent. And honestly, I wish I was financially in a place to leave… but I’m not, unless I want to live in my car… and I don’t know how much longer it’s going to hold out.
(USA) I’m praying for you, we have a lot in common and not so in common.
Anybody can be an abuser. But so far the majority of the stories I have heard here are about women being abused by their husbands or boyfriends. It is the children who suffer this more than the man or the woman. Because they will grow up thinking this is normal behavior and will mimic what they see and we become a society of abused people raising abused kids. We need to bring our children up in a Christian environment. That means taking them to church and everyone accepting Christ as their savior and raising them as Christ says to Raise them.
There are too many divorces end up with the husband and wife fighting and the kids caught in The middle. This alone is abuse. So far I’ve heard no one says that it’s always been abusing and women being abused all I have heard or stories from people who have actually lived it and are trying to find help. If you took that as only men are abusers and perhaps you might need to look at yourself more closely. Anybody can be an abuser. Everyone since. God will forgive anybody who asked him and accept him as our savior. Man or woman. God says lack of knowledge is just as bad as sin
In my recent reply to Ryan who took offense that only women are being seen is being abused and men are all the abusers there were some typos. I am hard of hearing and did not proof read what I said. But the majority of the stories are of women being abused by men and seeking help. I pray for you because you took offense to this because it sounds like you’re in a deflecting period during a divorce. It’s the children who suffer while the husband and wife fight and the fights usually are ugly in front of the child.
This is not what Christ wanted. We are becoming a nation of abused kids raising abused kids. If everyone raised their children in a Christian home, the way Christ wanted us to do, this world would be a much better place. There’s no room to play the blame game. Everyone needs to be able to forgive each other but in order to do that you have to accept Christ as your savior and try to live a Christ-like life.
(USA) I have been married for almost 5 years, my husband is a soldier in the army and has been on 4 deployments through our marriage. So he is always gone. I know he has PTSD, but has not been diagnosed, because he is afraid it will mess his career up. He has been emotionally and verbally abusing me for a long time time. He puts me down a lot, I can’t do anything right. I try and talk to him on yahoo messenger, he just ignores me or says stuff like I don’t feel like talking. He does this when he is home too. It gets to the point where he will say mean stuff like I’m mentally unstable because I’m sad that he has been gone almost our whole marriage, he calls me fat, he says I’m a bad parent because I spoil our son. He is so nice to everyone else but me. He never tells me I’m pretty, he never says he misses me. He just doesn’t say anything hardly and then when he does its mean and hurtful.
I wish I knew what to do. I’m lost right now because the last marriage I was in he beat me, and to tell you the truth, I would rather have phyiscal scars that heal then this feeling I have in my soul and heart from the emotional and verbal abuse. I am lost and need lots of prayers.
(UNITED STATE) Soldiers wife, My situation is exactly as yours… Everything you posted I am living it too! I feel lost and confused. I am thinking separation will be the best thing to do. I was advised to talk to his commander for help.
(USA) Please, both of you, realize you can do something to change your situation. Contact domestic violence services in your area. Seek counseling for yourselves. You can learn how to respond to your husbands’ differently to be stronger yourselves. Trust me- the longer it takes you to do something the weaker you will become and the less likely your husband’s can get better too!
You also have to be a healthy person and living like that is not healthy… Not for you or your children. Make yourselves stronger and less dependent. Otherwise you won’t have options if it gets worse. You won’t get the respect you deserve unless you give it to yourself and expect it from others.
I hear your compassion for the PTSD… But that doesn’t give license to be an abuser. It is an illness that needs treatment. Also, the reality is abuse is an illness too -that is also treatable. Getting yourselves out from underneath it is your right and is completely up to you to do. I’m praying for you and countless others.
My dad was a Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force and it was frowned upon for them to get any sort of mental counseling. Therefore a lot of abuse went undiagnosed. They saw that as a weakness. I heard that the armed forces and the Air Force are getting better about it but I still think the stigma is attached that if you get any type of counseling that you are not someone that they want to put behind a billion-dollar airplane.
That doesn’t help you or the family going through the abuse when the person comes home. Unfortunately the only thing I think that is going to help is that if you have a relationship with your husband where you can talk with him and he will truly listen to you and when he starts getting angry he knows that he needs to stop take a deep breath and maybe walk into another room go to another room until he calms down and then finish the discussion.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD from several traumatic events in my life and I can tell you that it is a very real condition. It is like you are truly living the event over and over and over in such detail every time and it is like you are losing your mind. Mine has gotten better with time and managing my stress better. There are times when certain remarks, smells, scenes will trigger a flashback and I will be right back in the event that caused the PTSD. It usually requires somebody who knows what is going on to snap you out of it.
But since his PTSD is from combat experiences I think it would be dangerous for you to try to snap him out of it. Perhaps talking with the chaplain will help with an idea of how to snap him out of it when he has an event. I am a firm believer that God will heal anything and through God we can do everything and prayer truly works. I wish you well and good luck and thank you and your husband very much for protecting us. God bless
(US) Please pray for me and my 3 kids. I’ve been in a very physical and emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years. I don’t know what to do. I’m starting to lose faith. God please show me the way. I’m so lost. I feel defeated…
I was in 2 abusive relationships. In order to save your children from repeating what they are learning from you staying in this marriage, you have to leave. You have to make a plan and have a support group ready for your call that you are finally leaving. This is the most dangerous part in a relationship. You need to contact an attorney tell him everything that is going on and leave.
God is the only thing that saved me. The support and love I felt from my church and God kept me going. You have three children you have to save. Children mimic what they learn. And what they are learning now is abuse. You need to get out now. Call your attorney let the police know what’s going on, find a support group IE friends, family, anyone who will help you. The police also need to be aware of when you leave so they can keep the husband from harming you. But you need to talk with an attorney first since there are kids involved. Good luck and my prayers are with you. Please look my church up online we are at http://www.wearethrive.org. It is the most wonderful church I have ever known. Please look it up online and look at a few of our sermons. They are very enlightening. Good luck and God bless
(UNITED STATES) Jo, you can get out. You have biblical grounds for divorce. God doesn’t expect or want you to be abused and oppressed. He can restore you and give you back all the years the locusts have stolen. Keep heart and don’t give up. Focus and plan how to get out and how much God loves you. You may want to move in with your family or contact a local shelter. God Bless.
(USA) Thanks for this article. My ex-husband abused me and then blamed me for the abuse, totally defaming my character to other people and seeking to humiliate me, destroy my career, and almost everything he ever told me about himself is a lie. Although we had no children together (thank God!), he still will not let go and refuses to accept the relationship is over.
Almost everyone who knew him when we met thought he was wonderful. Most of the people at my church see him for the deceitful and ungodly person he is, thankfully. However, con artist that he is, he contacted my university and they seem to have fallen for his lies and his concerned act, and my reputation is damaged because of his defamatory remarks about me. When I finally had to involve the police because he is stalking me, I was told by the police officer I initially talked to that he sees no reason for alarm and my ex seems “concerned” about me. Sometimes I feel guilty, as if I’m the one who is a bad person because he is able to fool people, who seem to just believe his lies. I know the thought that I am somehow to blame for all this is a lie straight from hell, though, and I fight against those thoughts. It helps to know how seriously God takes abuse and that he is for me.
When I was in my last abusive relationship I was trying to get a temporary restraining order. The police told me that I was just overreacting and go home and try to work it out. Well obviously it just made my husband madder and the beatings got worse. You have to make a plan to get out. You have to somehow get money put aside a bag packed and a support group so when they get your call with a certain safe word they know to expect you. You still need to go to the police and explain to them what has happened. Everyone thought my husband was wonderful because he acted great in public but when we were together alone he was totally different. It was a true Jekyll/Hyde situation.
They will not change and it will never get better. You have to leave in order to save yourself. I found that only through God was I able to be saved. It is much better to be alone than to be abused day in and day out. My ex-husband ended up almost killing me, putting me in the hospital for 3 months. That was when I was trying to leave. That is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. That’s why it’s very important that you have a plan and a person that you can send a quick note to and they know that you’re in the process of leaving so they can meet you and help you.
My church is called Thrive and our website is http://www.wearethrive.org. We are in Port Orange Florida. Go on our website and listen to some of our sermons because they are life-changing. You will be in my prayers and my thoughts. But please get out of the relationship because it will never, ever get better no matter how many times he apologizes or tries to rationalize it by saying you made him do it because you didn’t have this or that ready. There is no excuse for any abuse from anyone at anytime. You’re in my prayers. God loves you unconditionally and if you don’t have a support group, there are shelters for women in your situation that you can go to. Good luck and pray, baby pray.
I read your recent comments Fran from the US. May I humbly ask a question? I am not Christian, I am Catholic. My husband is Christian.
For 20 years he beat me up and abused me and cheated on me. We have no children. Now I feel so bad because he says I will not be saved. I am unholy because I cannot forgive nor can I forget as we are in court. Still he is keeping several mistresses, some are Christians who spout Bible verses and psalms. I am an unbeliever and in a way these mistresses make fun of my plight as they say he beats me up because I am an unbeliever.
He is a narcissist and diagnosed as such. Why did God allow this? Is He indeed there for us? All the more I do not see God in my Christian husband nor in his pastor. True, our pastor is a good man. But over the past 20 years I have endured until my husband almost killed me. I dialled 911 and somehow escaped.
Being Catholic, I have indeed lost my faith. I was prepared to convert but 20 years of my husband’s example set me off of that decision. I grew to hate what he stood for and what our Church asked me to do for 20 years and that they stood by him. Till today he pretends to be upstanding. But he is still beating up on his current mistress. She has asked for my help but I have sadly ignored her.
If long ago they kept laughing at me for being an unbeliever and saying I deserved it, why now is she asking for my help? I am unable to, in addition to not wanting to as her God is there anyways as she once said guiding her towards my husband.
I am unable to because I am sick due to my husband beating up on me. I have AIDS too from him as he was my only sexual partner. There was never anyone else as I was “pure” as they say in Christian terms and maintained that until I married him. Him being my first and only relationship.
(UK) I have been married for 8 years. My husband was recently physically abusive to me for the second time. It is not a regular occurance, but last time it happened I told myself that I wouldn’t let it happen again. It is made worse by the fact that I am pregnant with our third child.
Until recently my biggest desire has been to fix our marriage, but I am now questioning whether this can happen. Last time he promised it would never happen again and the breech of trust is huge -then in every breath he justifies what he did. I drove him to it by disobeying, by being contentious, by deliberately ‘pushing his buttons’. I am not always the most repectful wife, but to obey someone whose attitude is so unloving towards me is so hard. Mostly I fear, that one day our children will be on the receiving end of this.
Although the physical abuse is rare, he exhibits controlling behaviour which makes it harder for me to consider leaving. He has ensured that I do not develop friendships, I have no access to money and on occasion, he has locked me in the house and hidden the key.
I could not attend church last week -my husband leads worship, and the thought of keeping up a ‘happy families’ image, was too much for me.
He has agreed to talk to our pastor -but his version of events has already changed -he says I was physical with him first. I am scared of what the future holds, either with or without him. I entered a covenant when we married and would not break it lightly, but I cannot honestly say that I love him at this moment in time. Please would anyone who reads this pray that I would be able to stay calm and humble, but that most of all God’s will be done in our situation and may He protect our children from any harm?
(USA) Amanda, I know how hard it is to be in this situation and to feel you’re not only breaking up your family, but betraying God by considering leaving an abusive relationship. I’m in the process of leaving my husband for the same reasons. I can tell you that the abuse only continues and progressively increases with each cycle. Don’t listen to the promises, apologies, etc., as their purpose is only to get you back into your abuser’s clutches.
After years of tolerating verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, as well as severe isolation, I can tell you that being alone is far better than the painful, never-healing cuts on your feet you get from walking on all those sharp eggshells. My husband was a well-respected, church-going attorney and he even started a battered women’s shelter in our community before I met him. He is charming, handsome, successful, etc… However, it seems his cruelty and insistence on control knows no boundaries. His abuse was subtle initially, and only verbal at first. Unfortunately, once these men learn they can physically harm you (and unfortunately the kids) and you will stay, it just escalates. My husband became so tyrannical he even barred my older children from coming to our home and having any contact with my younger children for several years in an attempt to isolate us and maintain control. He did this after the older children were old enough to see what was truly happening in our home and called him on it. I have terrible guilt for tolerating it, and looking back from my own new home (I left him with the kids for good) safe, and apart from him, I don’t even know who that person was that obligingly went along with this ghastly annihilation of my family. I let this happen out of fear as he said if I let my older children come home, he would take my younger ones and we would never see them again. I was paralyzed with fear and stuck in a quagmire of confusion.
Break free while you can, before your head is so messed up by the continued abuse that you can’t see straight, or make a competent decision. My heart is with you!
Amanda, your post is two years gone, but I am in Bristol and I am praying for you this morning.
I suppose I don’t completely agree with the statements above previous to yours that abusers always make a choice, I think there are changes in our brains when we respond to life’s challenges this way (not an excuse) but – – “hurt people hurt people”.
Getting help, as an abuser, could mean a life destroying career destroying choice for some (as per above on the PTSD case) , and it can almost seem like a vicious cycle with no way out, until it is too late.
I hope you still get this comment, and that you are okay.
I have been there; it only gets worse. We Africans living in foreign lands go through hell. I am a stay at home mum with 3 kids. Call the Police and have him picked up. Tell family, friends, and everyone that cares to listen. Abusers live double lives. When people tell me you have a loving husband I feel sick to my stomach.
All I can say is get out, get out, and get out now. The child will only make it worse. He will not change unless he is made to change. There are shelters you can go to. I know it’s hard, but try to put away as much cash as you can without him knowing. Even if it’s nickels and dimes and quarters; get it together. Pack a bag and hide it. Tell the cops what you were about to do and you do not want your husband to know because you are afraid of him and what he will do to you and your child.
Abusers unfortunately know how to play the game and manipulate the system. My ex knew how to play the system and played it wonderfully. No matter how hard it is if he ever leaves a mark on you take a picture of it. Do not ever lay your hands on him unless it is in self-defense. In some states they will arrest both of you and sort it out later but if the cops have a record of you going in and telling them what is going on and he is scaring you and what he’s doing that will look good in your favor. But for the sake of yourself and your unborn child, get out now.
God helped me because I was so beaten down and thought I was so worthless that I didn’t care whether I lived or died. God sent someone to start talking to me about God and that got me thinking about it and after a few months started going to church. My church’s name is Thrive. And we are in Port Orange Florida. Our website is http://www.wearethrive.org. Unfortunately the cops did not believe me until he almost killed me. Please do not let this happen to you and your child. You will be in my prayers. Good luck
(UNITED STATES) My husband is not physically abusive. However, over the course of our marriage, he has made me do things that are so shameful I have a difficult time stating them, even under the veil of anonymity. He has involved other men in our sexual relationship. I have dealt with STD’s as a result. It hasn’t happened in the past few years ~ when we moved from a metropolitan area to a rural area.
If I don’t please him, he withholds affection. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t have to change for me, and that if God wanted him to change, He would make him. We are a “Christian” couple, attend church regularly, and I try to be involved in ministry as much as possible, though he doesn’t like it when I am. I work one day a week and get paid monthly. When I receive my check, I must cash it and give him the entire amount. I used to try to hold back $5-$10, just in case I needed it. However, lately, he has been asking to see my check stubs.
Others around us don’t see the abuse, as it is hidden so well. I am very adept at putting on the “happy facade” and making others believe that nothing is wrong. But EVERYTHING is wrong. My husband calls me a “control freak”, but I don’t even have control of my own life. He tells me how much gas money I can have for the week (under the guise of “we don’t have very much money” or “we need to save money”). I am not allowed to have any spending money at all, without his permission. If I do have to purchase something, he gives me the exact amount or requests the change after the purchase. He always wants the receipt. Usually he puts the gasoline in my car, but if I do, again, he wants the receipt, to make sure I didn’t save any for myself.
I am so sorry for going on like this, but I have not been able to speak of this to anyone out of fear of what may happen if he finds out. Thank you for allowing me to describe my situation. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN.
(USA) Sister, I pray deeply for you! First off, know that God is there with you! And I believe you must speak out to someone. You need another Godly couple to talk with or some counseling at your church. Keep saying spiritual confessions over him daily. Trouble doesn’t last always and I pray that you become an even stronger woman once things get better. I have learned that arguing back does nothing, but prayer does everything!!!! I pray it never gets physical. We are not given a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind. Continue to use the power we have thru Jesus Christ to drive the enemy out of your marriage.
The abuse you are experiencing may not be physical, but it is definitely sexual and financial and emotional abuse, keeping you “in line” to do what your husband decides he wants from you. That’s a type of slavery instead of a marriage. You need to talk to someone. This needs to be brought out into the light. As long as it is left in darkness, it can perpetuate and grow. It needs to stop. There are a lot of control issues going on in your marital “relationship” that go beyond reason. Please contact at least one of the web sites we link to in the “Links and Resource Descriptions” part of the “Abuse in Marriage” topic of this web site. You need to wisdom from those who work with this type of control to learn how to best stop this abusive behavior. I hope you will. I pray God’s wisdom and boldness and help in this.
Hi my name is Marilyn. I just left my husband for the third time. You are describing my husband. He didn’t allow me to work. I’m five months pregnant and I’ve been gone a month. I was married before and it got very violent, but it started first through the verbal abuse and mental abuse = controlling every little thing you do.
YOU NEED TO GET OUT!!! I HAD A MISCARRIAGE A YEAR AGO A DAY BEFORE MOTHERS DAY THEN SIX MONTHS BEFORE THAT DUE TO all the verbal abuse now the pastor where my husband goes that married us text’ me saying I made an excuse just to leave and that God is not pleased with me. Thats a lie from the pit of hell. He will have to answer to God.
Oh Marilyn, you poor dear! What an awful pastor – he is not fit to speak God’s word. Find yourself a new, supportive church. Please, please don’t go back to that man. You mention you have been married before and it was also an abusive relationship. There may be a vulnerability about you that this type of man can see and is drawn to or it may be something familiar about them that draws you to them subconsciously.
I really recommend you see a counsellor because I think once you’re able to see your own worth and realise you deserve better treatment, you’ll be able to escape a terrible, terrible cycle. At sometime, someone has made you feel unworthy of respect and they will have to answer for that one day but you don’t need to believe their lies any more. You are a child of God, special and very much loved, women all over the world will read your comments and be praying for you – we may be strangers but we care for you when we read about your life. Value yourself, you are worthy.
Marilyn this pastor is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. God does not expect any man or woman to stay with someone who is abusing them. We’re all of God’s children and God does not like anyone abusing any of his children. You did the right thing by leaving. And you’re doing the right thing like I am by sharing our experiences and hoping that we help other women out there in the same situation. We as women always think we can change or help these men. We cannot help an abuser. Only the abuser can help the abuser, and that can only happen through God. No matter how easy you think it might seem to be, or how apologetic he is, how big the necklace is that he buys you he will not change unless he wants to change. And as long as you stay with an abuser he will never change.
You can find the traits and characteristics, and warning signs of an abuser at https://marriagemissions.com/abuser-traits-and-characteristics/. You need to memorize them. And when you start seeing the signs don’t minimize, or try to rationalize the signs you need to leave now. You don’t look back, listen to an apology, or go back for any reason. You leave for good and never answer his phone calls or texts. when I accepted Christ it was during one of these abusive relationships. Accepting Christ and getting in a good church saved my life. We have a website that is called we are Thrive.Org. You can listen to our past sermons better absolutely life-altering. You did the right thing by leaving this man and God will take care of the pastor. God bless.
First thing first. This man is not a Christian. And what’s worse is he’s showing your children that this is what Christians are supposed to act like. That will take your child away from God, not to God. I say this because I was abused as a child. If my father came home in a bad mood we would be held by the throat against the wall with our feet barely able to touch the floor. He would be so close to me to where I could feel the spit on my face from him screaming so loud. He looked like a monster to me. I would look around for somebody to help me. My other siblings were so terrified because if you made eye contact with him we were afraid his anger would be turned on us. I would look for my mom but all I saw was my mother walking away and going into her room and closing the door.
One Saturday night because I didn’t finish my plate. My father backhanded me and gave me a black eye. I remember standing up and telling him I was going to tell everyone at church the next day what has been going on in the house and lo and behold we quit going to church. Of course the excuse they gave us they were exhausted because they were working so hard for the church. It made me hate God with a passion. I wasn’t going to worship a God that allow that to happen to children. That to me was the worst abuse. They kept me from God.
You need to get your children out of this situation. There are family shelters that will help domestic violence victims. You need to make these phone calls on the phone that he will not be able to get a hold of. Tell the police officers what has been going on and you are in fear for your life because leaving an abusive situation is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Please look up domestic violence shelters in your area and talk with them. God is going to be the only person who can give you the strength and courage to do this. God saved me and he will save you two. All you have to do is accept him as your savior and try to live a Christian Life.
Your children deserve to be brought up in a Christian home, not in an abusive one. Abused children more often than not grow up to be abusers themselves. Do you want that for your children? My church’s website as we are Thrive.org. you can listen to their sermons and they are very very good. You will be in my prayers and my thoughts and if you want to discuss anything please feel free to ask because I check this website every day. I have been where you are. I have gone through what you’re going through. You Are Not Alone. God bless and good luck.
(INDIA) I’ve written an article on this issue. You may read it by clicking on http://isaacmani.blogspot.in/2012/08/abusive-marriage.html#.UB-nevbib0c
(USA) The husbands job is to love his wife as Jesus loved the church. Tell as many head advisors in the church as you can. Don’t keep this secret. God wants honesty and truth. Do not live in fear or a lie. Expose your husband so that you both may be healed. God bless you.
Exposure is the key. A closed mouth is a closed destiny.
(USA) I have been married going on 2 decades to a well respected “deacon.” Our first year of marriage, while on vacation, he masturbated while watching a porn site in our hotel room. The volume was down so he thought I was asleep. When he “finished” doing his business, I knew that I could never trust him again. He was into porn before we married but he said that once we married, he had gotten over it.
There have been Christian counselors who warned him that his unchecked behavior would destroy our marriage. But, he claims to have had a miraculous healing from the Lord regarding this issue. However, last year, he did admit to me that he has a lust problem. When I responded with anger, he told me that he only said because he knew it was what I wanted to hear!
He is a loved, honored, and adored as a true man of God. He has told me countless times that if I have really forgiven him, I will forget about the past and stop bringing it up to him. That would be somewhat easier to do if he would show that his behavior has consistently changed. I’m always catching him starting at attractive women at church, restaurants, etc.
I have no family and no where to go. So, I have emotionally withdrawn from him and await for this sordid ordeal to be over.
You are a woman of God. But just because someone has a certificate that they are A Pastor or someone in high position at church does not mean they are Annointed or Called or even saved. What are you waiting for? You need to ask The Holy spirit to guide you. This is not right or from God. Its a stronghold. Get your husband some help.
(US) I’m married to a man with an explosive temper. He is not my children’s father. He has cussed & argued in front of my boys. I try asking him not to do that in front of them. Recently an argument escalated to him grabbing me by my arms & pulling me out the door to make me go with him. This is the second time he has grabbed me. I’ve left the house twice. Once he locked us out. I am confused & afraid to go back. I have to consider what I’m doing to my boys. We have only been married 18 months. It seems nothing I do is right & he says it’s all my fault. I’m walking on eggshells & he doesn’t understand my silence. I pray everyday for answers. I feel like I made a big mistake getting remarried.
Hi my name is Marilyn. I’ve been married two years. I’m remarried. I am 5 months pregnant. I have a 13 year old son that is not his. My first marriage was very violent; I was beaten over the Word of God. My son was five years old at that time. Thus is my second marriage.
I WOULD LIKE TO ENCOURAGE YOU THAT YOU’RE NOT alone my precious friend. But you need not to go back. I had a miscarriage last year a day before Mother’s Day and six months before that my husband told me I was Satan and full of demons and that’s why the baby died. I met him on Christian Mingle. I feel like I made a big mistake too.
He text’ me about Jesus now but I dont believe he’s changed; no one can change over night. The Bible says and you will know them by there fruits. I’ve been gone one month and I’m not going back. It will get worse. Abusive men will say and do anything to get you back just to hurt you. Take care of your boys; think about them and how it will be damaging for them to endure this abuse. Don’t allow it. It’s time to break the cycle of abuse in Jesus mighty name.