Sex With an Ex Husband or Ex Wife

Yes, I know, this is a controversial subject, and trust me when I say that I wish it wasn’t one I’d ever have to deal with now or in the future. But the reality is that we are often posed the question of whether a person should have sex with their ex-husband or ex-wife —if that is something God would sanction since they were once married. So here goes.

In broaching this subject, first I need to say that I realize there will be many who will say that divorce is not an option so there are no “exes” involved, which will spiral the question into a whole different direction. And yes, if you don’t recognize divorce as something that is permitable, then I can see why you would think that.

But I am not going to go into that territory here —not now or in any other part of this web site.

At Marriage Missions, we don’t and won’t debate that issue. We stand firm on Scripture knowing that “God hates divorce.” But we are also operating in the “real world” where people (including Christians) DO divorce. In prayerfully considering whether someone should divorce or not, we have come to believe that divorce and remarrying is something that is between them and God, on a one-to-one basis. It is not for us to tell someone to divorce and it is not for us to tell someone to remarry.

We believe we are called to put forth warnings about possible consequences to consider and encourage the person and persons involved to take all their concerns on this issue to God, Himself, and work them through with Him.

Human counselors, advisers, mentors, educators, and such are important to consult (for insights, please see the articles, Scriptures Dealing with Seeking the Counsel of Others, and the article, Applying the Gleaning Principle to Human Advisers). But they aren’t all knowing. Be wise and take all you have thought about and heard and talk to God about it –ultimately, asking for His wisdom and discernment as Truth on matters of concern.

With that said, I have to say that when we are asked whether or not a person should have sex with their ex, our prayerful answer has been that we don’t believe they should. If they believe God has told them that they can divorce, or they find themselves divorced, even though they didn’t want it (their ex initiated it and made it happen), having sex after the divorce can be problematic.

That is why I was excited when I came across an article this morning, which addressed this subject, and confirms what we believe, as well. It further confirmed what we believe and is written so well that I want to share it with you.

Roger Barrier, who used to be our pastor when he lived in our town, is the author. You can read it by accessing the following link:


Please let me add a few additional points to all of this. I believe that making love, although the “world” often calls it “having sex,” is a wonderful gift God has given to those who enter into the covenant of marriage. Within the sanctuary of marriage, it is an exciting way of connecting physically, emotionally and spiritually. It can truly be a God-given gift. But when you open this gift outside of marriage, God’s blessing is not upon it. It’s as pure and simple as that.

And when you do something without God’s blessing there are complications, which are put into place.

1. When God is not in it, you will not have the possibility of receiving all of His benefits, in this and other areas of your life. You don’t go against God’s ways and expect that He will bless it.

2. When it comes to making love with an ex spouse, you are giving yourself to someone who is not fully committed to you. You are giving one of the “benefits” of marriage, to someone who has less of a reason to want to be there for you through the good and the bad.

His or her commitment to you is only “as long as.” As long as you do what he or she wants, that part of him or her is available. But when you need more support through difficult situations, it is questionable as to whether you will get it.

Those who martially cleave together physically, emotionally, and spiritually, work together through the good and bad times. If you put yourself out there —expecting less, you will get it. And when you need more, partnership is questionable, as to whether you can count on it. That can leads to all kinds of complications.

3. If you are hoping to someday reconcile with your spouse, you are putting that hope in jeopardy. As the old saying goes, “Why buy the cow, when you get all the milk you want FREE?”

Yes, I know that is crude, but the principle behind that saying, is true. If a spouse can sexually have you and yet have the option to have sex with others (because your vows are broken through the divorce decree), why should he or she go back into marriage? That, in itself, puts complications into place because you are then exposing yourself to the possibilities of contracting S.T.D.’s and AIDS and such.

There are other reasons, as well, to consider (which I hope people will add in their comments). But for now, please consider the following scriptures, as they pertain to this issue:

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” –Hebrews 13:4

Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?-Proverbs 6:27

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.-1 Corinthians 6:18-20

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit.-1 Thessalonians 4:3-8

This blog is written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.


Filed under: Marriage Moments Sexual Issues

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38 responses to “Sex With an Ex Husband or Ex Wife

  1. (UGANDA)  I’m glad this subject was attended to cause I honestly believe that as Christians we do most of the time not acknolwedge that although God has set rules, sometimes life happens and things happen and things and people do not react the way they should.

    Seeing this article makes me wonder. My husband and I are separated due to our marriage problems. I prayed about our separation. I gave all to God and I know that he knows my intentions regarding the separation. Thing is, do you think it’s fine if him and I have sex during the separation? I ask this because I asked God to relieve me of all my wifely dutys during the separation but now my husband has called asking for sex.

    1. Dear Miss Stang, This is a tough one that you’re asking. At first, my reaction was that you shouldn’t have sex with your husband while being separated. I thought it might obstruct the work you are both to be doing while trying to eventually reconcile. But then I wasn’t sure. I asked my husband without telling him what I thought and he arrived at the same place in switching back and forth. As we both agreed, it’s not something that you could give a definitive answer to –although we both agree that if there is any chance he’s having sex with anyone else and isn’t staying true to you, then you definitely shouldn’t have sex with him unless and until he has gone through tests that show he hasn’t picked up some STD’s or AIDS. That’s important to know.

      So, my husband asked a counselor friend of ours and she said, if you’re sure he hasn’t had sex with anyone else (so you would be jeopardizing your health and possibly your life), then morally, ethically, and spiritually there’s nothing wrong with making love to your husband.

      But you need to carefully and prayerfully consider if this will cause problems in hurting the possibility of reconciling. If you don’t think it will and you are willing to have sex with him, then she suggests you tell him that you can see that this is a legitimate need. But then tell him that you have some needs for him to work through with you –ones that will help move your relationship toward reconciliation and building a healthy marriage. And then tell him what you see as a need (after praying about what you should ask for).

      We have articles on our web site in the “Separation and Divorce” topic, which talk about the importance of using times of separation to work on issues, which are causing problems in your marriage. It’s not just a “get away from each other” time –but one that is to be constructive in working through your issues so you can come back together in a healthier way.

      So, consider what you would want to ask of your husband –the needs you see will help your relationship to grow healthier. That is a legitimate exchange because ultimately, you are both trying to help each other with the ultimate goal of helping your marriage get to a better place now and in the future.

      1. (UGANDA)  Thanks Cindy. Yes it is truly a tough one considering that one of the reasons for the conflict in our marriage was because my husbnad believes that sex solves everything. He has a belief that we can just ignore our problems and as long as we are having sex everything will sort itself out.

        I also wrote because I had had a confirmation from God telling me what to do I just wanted to make sure that I was hearing correctly.I at most times can’t tell the difference between when God is talking to me and the devil is lying to me.

      2. (USA)  I have to ask if your intentions are to divorce him? Within marriage is the ONLY application God intended for sex and it should be the joining of two hearts, minds, bodies in love and MARRIAGE. If you are not planning to divorce, are you just playing a game with him or him with you?

        That almost always backfires. God does say in the King James that He allows for divorce in the case of adultery but really wants us to work it out if at all possible.

        This would go under the “self-control” topic. If you cannot abstain perhaps you should both reconsider your decisions to separate and put as much energy into the marriage as you are the seeing each other during this separation. Please seek God’s counsel in all things but certainly this. Prayers><>

  2. (NAMIBIA)  My husband has been in a secret relationship with another woman for many years with whom he fathered a child who is now 7 years. After his exposure he asked for forgiveness and I forgave him and I even proposed that we adopt the child, of which he refused.

    Meetings were held with the other woman and her family to discuss how the child should be taken care of. They agreed to the fact that there shouldn’t be any contact of whatever form between them and that the needs of the child be communicated through me. I discovered later that they have been communicating and meeting in secret. When I confront him he denies until I feel that the problem is with me. Some of my peer pastors also belief so.

    Now the problem is that since my knowledge about the adultery, I really struggle having intimacy with him. I experience all types of bad feelings and emotions during intimacy. In fact, I feel that my body rejects him. I don’t enjoy intimacy anymore. For me, it feels like torture to have sex with my husband.

    I also suspect that he never broke up with this woman because every now and then, there will be things popping up that gives evidence to my suspicions. When I try to discuss this things with him, he becomes angry and defensive.

  3. (USA) I am not divorced yet but I separated from my husband because I simply could not get over his affair from the past. We have been married ten years and I know he is not sleeping with anyone else. He comes right home and he takes care of me and the children but he has some fleeting issues that I could not deal with and I made him leave.

    My husband is moving near me and the children so he can help me raise them together. He works a state over (which is a two hour commute each way). Through uncontrollable circumstances he had to stay at home with me and the kids and he asked for sex. I did and we have been having sex ever since. He is angry with me for making him leave so he won’t talk to me but he takes care of our every little need. Am I wrong for having sex with him even though I asked him to leave?

    1. When people who are married separate and there is no sexual contact by them with other people, I believe Scripture and God still sees them as still being married. There may possibly be, I believe, emotional issues with separation from one another; but the command for people to be “…reconciled or remain unmarried” indicates that although physically being separated, the persons can still have sexual contact if neither is sexually having contact with anyone else.

      If they cannot live together the only question becomes if the other can be trusted not to have had sexual contact with anyone else. There might even be the means, if divorced, to come back to one another in the same home and continue the marriage; but if not, there just can’t be living with anybody else or be marriage to anyone else until one of the parties dies. You can’t be married to anyone else and have a living spouse, if there is not a Biblical reason for the divorce.

  4. (UNTIED STATES AMERICA) My husband and I have been separated for 6 months. I asked him to leave. I felt he was not paying any attention to me, that he was always on his computer, never taking me out and always saying we can’t afford it. What was the last straw, he asked. He was not spoiling me anymore and that hurt me. He would give me most things that I asked him for but one evening I was asleep and him and my daughter were having a disagreement. I got upset.

    I miss him. I know I hurt him. I think he has moved on. We have not gotten a divorce yet. I want him back. I ask God if it’s His will to let us be together again and to please forgive my mean ways…

    1. Very sad & tragic that you would allow your flesh nature to dictate and motivate you to be so selfish. I sense that you are not a true John 3:3/3:5 born again follower/servant of Jesus. The info in your posting provides very clear insight that you have no biblical grounds for divorce or separation. I encourage you to first get right with God then seek a Christ centered/biblical marriage counselor for help. I hope that your husband is saved but if not he would be very wise to get right with God too and then learn what a Christ centered husband is all about. God’s best to you both. Dwight / JOHN 8:51

    2. Chyna: I’m praying for you and can relate to your circumstances. I will pray for you. God is merciful and kind. He hates divorce. The enemy uses life events to confuse us and to try and build a case against one another in our minds. We are humans and NOBODY is immune from sin. Some of the posts here seem to be very harsh; we’re living in His GRACE, and not under the law. I’m sorry you were led to ask your husband to leave; it’s good that you are sorry about it and want to make things right. From what I read in the Bible, God looks at our hearts and has mercy on the humble. I’m praying for both of us, that God will bring our husbands home. I believe in love and miracles from God…

  5. (U.S) I’m having the same tribulation mentioned in this article. I have been divorced for over a year now because my ex husband cheated. He tried to get me to take him back but I was too hurt to forgive him. I stepped on him, said and did horrible things. Our baby is almost 4 & they have barely ever spent time together.

    He ended up marrying her, but has told me before even after being remarried that he still had feelings for me. I will be going to the state in which he lives to take our baby to see him. And the thought has crossed my head more than once. In fact, A LOT more than once. To the point I’ve almost convinced myself that it is not a sin because we were each other’s first spouses & he is currently committing adultery by being married to her, who was also married to someone else when they had their affair.

    I have saved myself and no other man has touched me, and to top it off in my heart… he is still my husband!!! It’s going to be 2 years in November since I last made love with him. I don’t see myself with anyone else. I love him, so much! But God comes first, & I don’t want to fail him after He has been sooo good to me! And has blessed me sooo much! But the thought of it being ok keeps making it’s way in my head. I’ve prayed to God and I know he’ll give me an answer. I just hope I don’t do the wrong thing here.

    I just became a converted Christian. I grew up Christian but had never accepted Christ before. I did 2 months ago. I’ve changed some things in my life & I know God is working on the others. I need advice from a fellow Christian, someone who don’t see our believes as weird, outdated, or an exaggeration!!!

  6. (AMERICA) Interesting reading. As the subject has many levels, I will be brief. When a man and woman enter into a marriage they have a contract. If both are Christians then God is the third partner in that contract. When they make love the first time, a contract has been sealed. No longer is the man’s body his and no longer is the woman’s body hers.

    They belong to the other partner. The covenant is until death. There is no undoing that. You can get a divorce in the court of man, but not in the court of God. God is the record keeper. To divorce and then remarry is a commit adultry. The reason is because it is a sin against the covenant. So sex with a ex wife or ex husband is a non-issue really. Because in God’s kingdom there is no such thing as ex-wife and ex-husband. The marriage is a covenant that still stands before God. The Courts may say you are divorced; God does not agree exactly.

    Covenants are eternal; In the Bible God never tells Kind David to divorce his wicked wife. But he never calls her David’s wife. He always called her the wife of the man David killed. In the teachings of the apostles, we are instructed to remain married, but if we divorce we are not to remarry for the most part. Sex with the ex is a resealing of the covenant. So if you do this, God is not going to send lighting. Actually it may be used to restore the marriage to some degree.

    Marriage is indeed eternal, it is a life-long contract. It is Holy and unbreakable in God kingdom. But people want to declare it is only earthly in nature. Not according to God. And marrying after divorce is adultry in most cases.

    1. (USA) I love all you’ve written and so beautifully, but the King James states, Old and New Testament and in Matthew, Jesus himself that in the case of Adultery, a couple can divorce.

      No doubt God would want us to try our best but consider an unrepentant spouse that refuses to stop? The marriage covenent has been broken, the marriage bed defiled. Another did come in the middle. No longer a marriage, a death in essence has occured. The cheating spouse has been one with another. No longer my husband :(

      God classisifes it with murder, blasphemy and all other atrocities. It is letting the devil into your family (reists the devil and he will flee) and holding your family down while he violates thewm. The spiritual state my husband was in, he enjoyed watching all that pain. God was gone because of his obedience to Satan. All Commandments broken, even placing the other in God’s position, therefore making her his idol. A willful child of disobedeince and wrath he was. I could see myself remarrying after this but I would never ask a Pastor to do it. I would go ot the Court House.

      Physical death would have been much easier than what I’ve been through. Jesus cried over the betryal of a friend. Me in my humaness and a betrayal of this magnitude? No pain like it. They can get forgiveness but there are still hefty consequences and the grief never goes away.

      1. (USA) Hi Pavrone, God allows divorce if your spouse cheated. You have two choices and they are completely yours in this case. You can divorce your cheating spouse and you have not since or you can reconcile. I believe, should you decide to divorce him and later wants to reconcile you can as long as neither of you has never remarried.

    2. Thomas, thank you. I agree with you concerning my situation. We both are still unmarried, and not seeing anyone else. I am pursuing reconciliation, not because our marriage was so great, but because I feel that I sinned against God by filing the papers. I am praying for God to give me wisdom. I don’t think this issue is cut and dried. My husband was emotionally abusive (very), but that didn’t make it right to dissolve the marriage. It is a brave thing, but one that I must pursue. I never allowed God the opportunity to work in my marriage. That was WRONG of me. I lacked faith and am paying the price. I will gladly accept responsibility for this and pray that I am doing the right thing. In the end, God knows my heart. Praise God for His mercy and Grace.

  7. (MONTGOMERY) I was married 20 yrs. and had a lot of problems with children (not his) and him being with other women and his telling me that it was over. I’d been so hurt and in all that pain I wasn’t a perfect wife. I thought I’d do the same thing and it would make me feel better. It didn’t. Now we are divorced and I cry every night to God to bring him back. I forgave him. I’m willing to work and change things but he lives with another woman. He didn’t even wait.

    As for me, I can’t do that. I love him with my whole heart. I do have sex with him but it hurts because he’s not with me. I haven’t called him or seen him for a week. He’s the one who calls or comes by and he still helps me on bills or what I need. I pray every day because I really miss him. I also started going to church again. I don’t want to start all over with another person. I’ve spent all my life with this person and I always said for better for worse, till death do us part. Like I told him, you left me, I didn’t leave you. I miss him. I’ve lost weight, I am always crying, and stay locked up in my room now. There times I don’t know what to do. I just wait on God to hear my prayers.

    1. I had a divorce from my ex-husband. I really want and need help in my life and it seems God has brought him back to my life. I was amazed how I really liked him again and remembered why I married him. I was praying for heaven on earth and there he was, and I am with him. I have totally forgiven him and myself and believe in grace theology now which really changed me. I asked him to make love with me when ever I see him. He has a girlfriend but she kicked him out. I believe in marriage once and so no sin in sex with him, I believe making love with him will heal my heart. I love Jesus so he is my real husband. Ask God what you should do. He will answer sometimes surprisingly.

  8. (UK) I am a Christian. I was married for 10 yrs and have three children with my husband. We separated two times for short periods of time due to constant arguments and strife, and now we have been separated for four years. My husband has gone to marry another person in this last separation though our divorce is not final. The new wife lives in another country; she only visits maybe twice a year. I just recently found out that he has a mistress here in the UK. I now attend a new church and have grown spiritually, I can see where I did not handle issues well as God would have wanted me.

    I miss my family, the children are grown up now and constantly asking questions. Is it possible to get back with my husband?What is the Bible’s view on this? To date I have not heard that any other woman has a child for him. I am not desperate but I need to seek God’s view on this; I just pray that God’s will be done. I would like to know what others think.

  9. Thank you. My ex spouse and I have been trying to reconcile. One of his points was if we are trying to reconcile that we should have sex. I had been abstinent since our divorce, almost 2 years ago. I developed a deep relationship with Jesus during our time apart. He had claimed he had too.

    While we have moved in together again, reconciling with the goal to remarry we’ve been having sex. I feel convicted about it lately as this relationship is so unstable due to his angry outbursts and abusive behavior, that even if we were to remarry as planned, I’m not sure we would stay that way. Your article confirmed what the Holy Spirit has been trying to tell me. While it’s very hard to part ways again, or to stop having sex, I’m convinced we are fornicating now, and I have to stop it.

    Please pray for me.

    1. Absolutely, Shannon; I’m praying for you. You need so much wisdom on this. Having sex together as you try to work on reconciling can be distracting. You need to put your efforts into working on your issues, not playing “married” without going fully into the marriage. You need to listen to the Holy Spirit and be wiser in how you approach the problems you’ve been having over the years. If you don’t, the future isn’t very bright.

      I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, gives you a discerning spirit as to what you SHOULD do and shouldn’t. I pray the Lord speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation with your husband. I also pray for him that he gets the help he needs to work on his anger issues so you CAN have a good future together.

  10. The only reason she is with you is simply, she needs A 12 pack of toilet paper. Don’t do it, she can buy her own.

  11. I’ve been married 25 yrs my husband left me for another woman after 13 yrs of marriage we have 2 son’s and I have a daughter and son from before I was never married before him. This woman knew he was married but kept calling and harassing me. They had a baby together; she’s us now 11 years old and my husband tries acting like he’s no longer with her but his life is a secret we don’t know nothing about him. He still comes around. I try to put him out of my mind and life but it’s not easy when he always wants to have sex with me. I guess I wish he would come back to me because I get so lonely. Sometimes we do have sex – is this wrong???

  12. Everyone's personal lives are different and we don't know every speck and dynamic to anyone's marriage. God divorced Israel…yes he hates it but that's because of how people went about divorces and their motives behind them. Mostly people who get divorced always have remarriage in mind. Nobody really looks at the fact that God took Israel back.

    Remarriage never leaves a door open to reconcile with your spouse if you desire that. Marriage comes with many burdens and I originally didn't get married for love or money just a pregnancy I was ashamed of. Years later I'm getting a divorce and the process is actually turning into a good thing so far. We don't live together…I hate living with anyone honestly it's such a burden and I’ve never felt more relaxed alone. Our fights and arguments so far are only disputes that are easy to let go of now because we don't have the burden of trying to meet each other's emotional needs. We drop it and I do my best to let God meet all my needs instead.

    We have decided to have sexual relations because it keeps us on a good page and less likely to feel lonely or desire sexuality elsewhere. We mutually don't believe in remarriage to a new person and if I wanted to I know without a doubt he would remarry me any day of the week. But I personally do not want to be with him in a way that is marital because it's been so bad between us and traumatic that for us divorce doesn't break our covenant it just breaks our unity as a married couple as far as our lives matching up together. We don't understand each other on a deep level or in other words get one another or really like each other apart from taking care of our kids and having sex that to us isn't sinful. God says a woman is bound to her husband  as long as he liveth and if he dies she can remarry in no other passages do you see the actual permitting of remarriage unless it talks about death.

    Even though people say oh what about adultery or abandonment. Yes he mentions divorce. …remaining unmarried or no longer being bound on obligation…but never once do you see it mention the actual permitting of remarriage…just grounds for divorce alone… but it isn't my place to know how God handles remarriage to a new spouse that's their business to handle with whatever God speaks cause it's a controversial issue. Truly we so have "grounds" but decided remarriage to another person isnt an option. This time around we are going to keep any sexual behaviors outside each other alone. My belief of which I stick to.. that being bound means being sexually bound or else God wouldn't have called remarriage adultery, I believe…
    Luke 16:18
    Mark 10:11-12
    Romans 7:2
    1 Corinthians 7:39

  13. Struggling with this one, still love her, can’t really trust her, but I do have hope. We have a beautiful child together. She cheated on me and moved out on her own. I have recently been kinda seeing her agian. I haven’t been with another woman since we got married 8 years ago. She’s still really hot. Seems like God would want you to try to keep your family together?

  14. Good read! I myself and my ex (first husband) have each been married and divorced twice, once to each other and secondly each with someone else. We’ve both done our share on the infidelity issues…and we’ve at times hooked up over the years! A few years back we each fresh out of relationships, started seeing each other, which led to an attempted reconciliation. There were other issues, health, substance abuse, my children from second marriage… of which we were unable to cope.

    To make it short, he moved far away. We’ve kept in touch minus a year or so of no contact. We haven’t been together in a little over 3 years. I’ve remained sexually pure during this time. He has been practicing self stimulation and continues to do so. He has since moved back and now wants me to have sex. I want to though we’re still working on our fears and trust issues and talking them out. I just want it to be right with my God, my Lord and my Savior.

    I feel I know the law, feel His lead in my life, and know I am forgiven. But I struggle with and am working on trusting Him fully. I know this projects into some of my fears in relationship with my ex. I’m trusting God to work his out in him as He does with me.

  15. My ex husband lives with me. Is it still wrong? Can I cancel my divorce papers or do I have to go through the procedure of marriage?

    1. What do you think Jesus would have you do? If you have the victory of still living together, please bring that victory into full view by remarrying, rather than just living together. Again, what do you think Jesus would have you do?

  16. Iam a Christian, was married to my husband for 8 yrs; we divorced, but remain friends. I really wanted the divorce due to we were on to different pages spirituality and he was not supportive financially and it became clear he didn’t want to be there because he started staying out late and at times all night. My dad was a pastor (rest his soul), but he didn’t want counseling with him.

    To shorten this up we have slep together several times and I feel convicted each time and he is convinced it’s ok because we used to be as one. The Bible says study to show thyself approved. I love him but not enough to go to hell and I’m tired of feeling bad and disappointing God and I know that I cannot say I am a Christian exercising SIN and I certainly don’t want to be a Hippocrate. Thank you.

  17. Even in the secular world a contract is a contract, just like a Covenant is a Covenant. Period. Once you were married you entered into a Covenant. When a divorce occurs you and the other person don’t belong to each other any longer. While you were married Paul said that Neither one of you Owned your Own Bodies anymore but the other partner Does. But since you *DID* own it The word “DID” means *in the Past*. So. The other person is just like they were BEFORE the COVENANT, just a person trying to date you and convince you to marriage etc., to do the CONTRACT of Marriage *Before* when you were single and not yet married. And sleeping with ANYONE whose not your Spouse is SIN!! I know it hurts but this is what the Lord told me when I was trying so hard to make it right to still want to have sex with my ex-wife.

  18. This really spoke to my heart. I’m in tears because I’m divorced but have been sexually active with my ex husband hoping that would bring him back to me because I wanted the divorce, not him. I realized I was wrong and wanted him back. Now it seems like that is all he wants from me. He tells me he loves me but he’s not making any moves to reconcile. This has been going on too many years.

    I’m so depressed because the Bible also states that a woman shall not leave her husband without a cause. I’ve been trying so hard but nothing is working. I also have temptations from the world, but I don’t give in to them. I’m so confused because I’m lonely and tired of being on my own.

  19. Thanks for the eye opener. I want to please God. My ex divorced me over 2 years ago and now he says he wants his marriage back even though he has married someone else. I love him that leaves me at a serious crossroad. Pray for me.

  20. My husband and I had to divorce because my children were taken away due to a stupid decision he made after drinking. The only way the state would give me my children back was thru a divorce. We are still deeply in love and totally committed to each other. Do you feel that God will still bless us as a married couple? We plan to remarry as soon as the state is out of our lives…this is a huge question for me as I am planning to start a nonprofit ministry and I want to ensure to be able to receive all of God’s blessings…Thanks

    1. Kk, I really don’t know what the situation is that you are describing. Are you living together and deceiving the “state” with him living in the house? Are the children in danger or in a bad situation in some way? I’m not sure. Kk, you really need to talk to a good Christian counselor that knows you and your circumstances to give you the best advice on this. There are too many missing pieces here for anyone to say for sure how to advise you. I’d love to say yes God will bless you, but I really don’t know because there are too many things that I don’t know. I’m not, nor is anyone else the “know it all” as to who God blesses. But certain circumstances can raise red or green flags.

      You may want to talk to a counselor at Focus on the Family (they can talk to you personally over the phone). You can fill them in on the “stupid decision” and other details, plus the desires of your hearts so they can give you prayerful, wise counsel. You can find their contact info at I hope you will contact them. It seems that you need good, wise, godly counsel to proceed in wisdom –not just feelings. I pray for you and your husband and your children. May God speak wisdom to each of your hearts.

  21. I left my husband two months before our 30th anniversary. We have been apart for 11 yrs now and divorced for 8. My husband was very emotionally abusive and a few times physically abusive. I did not respond kindly after about 20 yrs of this. I had stayed during those first 20 yrs because of our daughter and that I still loved him. After our daughter grew up and moved out, we both really tried to enjoy each other again. That didn’t work out for long, but I stayed another 10 yrs. During those 10 yrs I really didn’t love him any longer. The main reason I stayed those 10 yrs is because I didn’t want to kick him while he was down. He cared for his dad the first five yrs (his dad was a double amputee and had Alzheimer’s). After his dad died I so wanted to leave but stayed because again I didn’t want to kick him while he was down. I truly had hoped that this life changing event would soften his heart and things would be different. They weren’t.

    Sadly my ex was totally surprised when I really did leave. He had threatened many times that he was leaving, but by his own admission, really wanted to scare me into being/doing what he wanted. I talked frankly with him and promised if he said he was leaving one more time, one of us would leave. I later found out that he didn’t really believe me, he thought I was just trying to get back at him. I feel I had died inside, my heart was ugly at that point, I had sooo much hate. I knew I couldn’t go on that way because I would be totally destroyed. Instead of turning to God my heart and actions just made me further from him.

    Forward a couple of years after the divorce and we decided to be cooperative because of our daughter and grandchildren. After a year of that, we actually became friends again. We each felt that we still loved each other and only wanted the best. But we weren’t “in love” with each other in a wife and husband way. I/we have both dated and had sex with another person. Right now he is seeing a girl. I don’t know why, but during a conversation a week ago, we both admitted we would like to give it another try. I asked him not to break up with the other woman before we had a clue where this is going. I don’t want him to be alone again as he doesn’t thrive emotionally being alone. We have had sex one time. After having sex that one time I know that I can’t totally recommit my heart to him in a wifely way.

    I’ve prayed real hard the last couple of days and feel The Holy Spirit has convicted me to put a stop to this. Problem is I don’t want to hurt him again. When I originally had left my ex went off the deep end, threatened to kill me, stalked me etc. All because he couldn’t deal with me leaving. He was close to having a breakdown. My problem now is I’m wavering between what I feel I’ve been convicted to do and my sexual desire plus just wanting someone to hold me when needed. I’m so confused. I’ve fallen into my past pattern of not wanting to hurt another, but will probably cause even more hurt with the longer it takes to end this.

    I really in my heart feel I’m not being true to myself, but want to fight that because of my desire to have someone hold me when I’m sad or lonely. I sure don’t want to be enemies again and am afraid we will be because I hurt him. I’m looking for suggestions or another’s wisdom right now. I have been told that in addition adultery, abuse is an acceptable reason for divorce. Thoughts on that point? Sorry for the book I’ve written.

  22. My friend foolishly continues to disobey God and have sex with his control freak ex wife. She divorced him and was involved in adulterous affairs while still married to him. I warned him about what God says but still chooses to disobey Gods commands. I found a scripture that commands me to end my connection with him as his friend based on his continuance in sexual sin. The article was very helpful and spot on correct from Gods perspective!

  23. What a horrible dilemma. If we are both Christians and dissolve our marriage, then you are saying either stay single or be reconciled to each other. But you are also saying that sex is a sin unless we are married. I don’t see it as cut-and-dried as that. For me, there are gray areas. My own answer has to be in seeking God with all my heart. I tried reconciling with my ex and we did sleep together. He still continued to act abusive towards me and I prayed all the harder for wisdom and insight and discernment. 3 days later, he pocket dialed me and I heard him having a conversation with his son about his ex-wife the one he was married to before me. It was clear, he was still in love with her and had been throughout our marriage.

    I did not have scriptural grounds for the annulment I guess but he slept with other women after the annulment was final and I stayed faithful to him. So we did not have grounds to dissolve our marriage but after the marriage was dissolved he was unfaithful. I have sought reconciliation with all my heart and have worn my carpet out calling out to God praying on my knees. I believe the pocket dialing was a clear answer that this man is not God’s will for me. Remarriage? I do not believe that God would put the desire in my heart if it was not meant to be. Adultery? I don’t know. I begged my ex on my hands and knees in public to restore our marriage and I begged him to allow me to set aside our annulment. It is too late for that now and he rejected me every single time.

    I guess some things only the grace of God can cover and I am dealing with enough heartbreak as it is. I will trust in God to show me His will. I have a clean conscience knowing that I tried to reconcile with a man who was very abusive to me. It was a brave act but I wanted to make amends to him and to God for filing the final paperwork because at the time I did not have scriptural grounds. I may have done the wrong thing, but it was for the right reason. In the end, I think it is a highly individual set of circumstances for everybody, often times with no clear sense of right or wrong. I pray for everybody in similar situations. I feel God has called me to peace. I know that I gave it my all and I could not force my ex to reconcile with me anymore then God can force us to reconcile with him. He gives us free will. I am sad that things didn’t work out.

    I wish I never had filed the final papers, but not because I wish the marriage could have been saved. Knowing what I know now, it was a disaster and my ex was very underhanded and abusive, and he didn’t love me. But I am deeply sorry to God for filing the final papers. I should have just waited for my ex to do it. Although he signed those papers, and gave me an ultimatum, it still was wrong for me to file. I have done everything in my power to correct that wrong and repent. I suppose I am lucky my ex did not want me. At least now I can move on with my life knowing that I tried to correct a mistake and relying on God’s grace to see me through. God is merciful, and I am glad that he miraculously allowed me to understand not only the situation it is, but the situation of why my marriage did not work.

    He didn’t love me. He loved and loves his ex. I take comfort knowing Jesus knows exactly how I feel. After all, it was his own people that rejected him. I refuse to beat myself up anymore over the situation. God doesn’t want me to live in heartache, grief, and condemnation. I firmly believe that he will send me a Christian man who will love and cherish me. If and when he does I will marry him. GRACE . . .