SPIRITUALLY SINGLE: Living With an Unbelieving Husband

SeparationWe’re called to live at peace with everyone, including our unbelieving spouses, which can require extra effort on our part,” Ellen says. “We all have to find what works best in our individual situation. There’s no magic formula, but God will help supply the right answers if we ask.”

That said, don’t be afraid to grow. Looking back, I realize my growth has enhanced our marriage and didn’t hinder our relationship, as I originally presumed it would. When I put God first, He changed my heart toward Dean.

God used Paul’s advice to the Colossians to challenge me: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men” (3:23). God was asking me to put my whole heart into my marriage —for Him.

Lori, a friend at church, shared with me what God taught her during a difficult period in her marriage. “Regardless of what Steve did or didn’t do, regardless of his salvation status, and regardless of his contribution to the relationship, God expected my best. Marriage isn’t a 50/50 proposition, but rather my giving my 100%.”

Those words have haunted, rebuked, and blessed me many times over the years. She’s right. When I stand before God, I long to hear Him say, “Well done, thou good and faithful wife.” I don’t desire to stand before Him blaming Dean for my shortcomings. “But, God, I didn’t because he didn’t…” Those words won’t carry much weight with the Almighty.

The spiritual condition of my spouse doesn’t change my role except to create a more vital need for obedience to Scripture. As Peter reminds me, the unbeliever will be won over by the behavior —not the words of his believing mate. Even more reason to grow. How an I practice what I do not know? And how can I know unless I grow in my knowledge of God?

Proverbs 31 paints the epitome of a godly woman,yet never states whether her husband practiced faith. With so little revealed about him, I must surmise his spiritual condition held no relevance to her role as a godly wife, nor does my husband’s for me.

So I pass the gauntlet on to you. It’s with love, hope, and prayers I say, “You grow, girl!” Move toward God with passionate fervor. Don’t wait for anyone or anything. May God bless you as you grow in Him!

This article comes from the book: Spiritually Single by Jeri Odell. It was published by Beacon Hill Press of Kansas City, Missouri. Jeri Odell has been married for 34 years and has persevered alone in her Christian walk for nearly 29 of those years.

-ALSO-

The following web site article links are provided to help you further as you strive to live with your unbelieving spouse. Please click onto the link below to read:

HOW SPIRITUALLY UNEQUAL MARRIAGES CAN BE WHOLE

•  COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS

-ALSO-

There was a Revive Our Hearts radio broadcast series titled “When He Doesn’t Believe” with Nancy DeMoss who was interviewing Nancy Kennedy, who is married to an unbelieving husband, that you might find especially helpful. Below are two of the links to the audio and transcripts to this compelling interview. Please click onto the links to listen to and/or read:

AN OBNOXIOUS WIFE

HE’S STILL A GUY

If you would like to obtain the book that Nancy Kennedy wrote, that was being discussed throughout these interviews, please click onto the link provided below:

WHEN HE DOESN’T BELIEVE

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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53 responses to “SPIRITUALLY SINGLE: Living With an Unbelieving Husband

  1. (AUSTRALIA) Hi, I have been married for 25 years of which the last 15 I have been a Christian. So much has happened over these last years and recently my husband and I separated because of our communication breakdown. I thought that was the only answer at the time.

    I realize that if I had been looking totally to God working in me instead of wanting my husband to understand me, things would probably have not gone this far. We would still both like the marriage to work but do not want to go through the junk we have been through again. My husband does not have a hope in how it could change and has no desire to look to God for help. I don’t personally know anyone who has a positive unequally yoked relationship. I just don’t want to give up on my marriage. Any comments?

  2. (USA)  Try the book “My Beloved Unbeliever”. It has helped me in my unequally yoked marriage. It gave me a lot of insight on how to show in my actions that I am a believer without using my words. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

  3. (NIGERIA) I believe God wants me to show love and obedience to my husband, but when I marry a man who does not share the same faith, does not show love, in fact he is not faithful to the marriage and ends up taking another woman (his faith allows him), what is the way forward?

    1. The way forward my friend in Nigeria is to read the book of Matthew then look at the passage in Matthew about adultery and pray and obey the provision our Savior has given.

  4. (SOUTH AFRICA)  My husband refuses to follow Jesus. I have been praying for years (we are married 9 years already). I have been born again for 7 years and he is very abusive to me (both physically and verbally). I try to protect the children by telling them I fell after he hit me during the night. I believe he will be saved one day but he believes his parents are right when they call me crazy because I live according to the Bible. Please help me pray for our marriage and strength for me to continue to fight a good fight to the glory of the Lord.

    1. (AUSTRALIA)  To Tracey: I share your pain. It is now almost one year since your post. Can you give some feedback?

      To Mony: God is the only one that can answer your question. He will answer your prayers, but be prepared that it may not be in the way that you want it to be. I once asked God if I could leave my husband because it was just so hard being in a marriage with an unbelieving husband and my answer was a definite NO. However, He does not have a standard answer to the same question. He is a living God that interacts with individuals. Keep praying, I will also pray for you.

      To Cheryl: Leviticus 19:11 “Do not steal. Do not lie. Do not deceive one another.” Do not lie to your children, they know the truth. Please read the article on living in abusive relationships.

    2. (SOUTH AFRICA) Hi Cheryl, I really think you should physically separate yourself from a man who is physically abusing you. It does more bad than good to your children to stay in such a situation. I am not saying get divorced, but I am definitely saying please, for the sake of your children, remove your children from this situation.

      Please watch the movie “For Coloured Girls.” It is dangerous, very dangerous, and exposing your children to that could lead them to believe that that is normal, the way things are supposed to be. When you’ve removed yourself and your kids from the situation, I am sure you will still be able to pray for your husband and for your marriage, and it will give you perspective. Please reply if you need help.

  5. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Hi there, I have been married for 38 years of which most of the time I have been in a verbal and emotionally abusive relationship. I am saved but my husband is not. He does not even go to church. He says he is happy but he has not touched me in 12 years. He does not tell me anything. We only talk when necessary. I find it hard to stay in this loveless, abusive relationship. At the moment he is cross with me because I called him a miser. He gives me no money. I have a very part time job and with that money I have to pay for petrol, cellphone, clothes, church, entertainment, presents. He pays for the food, light and water, house is paid for. He earns a very good salary and gets two bonuses a year and does not give me one cent. How do I get past this resentment I feel for him for his abuse towards me?

  6. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Hi,my husband and I have been together nearly 10 yrs, married the last 6 yrs. He is of Islamic faith. I grew up in a Christian home, and have accepted Christ as my Saviour just over 2 yrs ago. My husband is abusive as a result of drug addiction. The closer my walk with the Lord becomes the more my husband wants me to become Muslim, even though he is not practicing his religion.

    I have wanted to leave numerous times but in my spirit I have never felt that it is the right thing to do. I’m always reminded of how God feels about divorce and in my heart I have always believed that God would bring restoration. Since I’ve started with my walk I have abstained from many things from my past because I have felt in my spirit that it was the right thing to do. But I’ve never had this same certainty about leaving my husband.

    Some of my Christian friends have told me that I should leave, even the Reverend that married us said that I should leave. Why then do I feel this way? Why whenever I say “Lord I”m done, this is it” does he speak to my heart and show me why I should not and gives me visions of my husband praising and worshipping with me. (I’ve had this vision since I became saved and didn’t know about my husband’s addiction.)

    What do I do? I have two daughters that I want to grow up to know Jesus Christ but it’s so difficult when you’re being persecuted by your own husband.

    1. (USA)  Oh Anne, I can understand your struggle with your husband’s unbelief. The Bible does say “Do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see if they are from God.” Please be aware that the enemy could also be at work here. I too am “Spiritually single.” We have been married 10 years and we have two beautiful children. I love my husband but my Heavenly Father has entrusted them to me while they are still young, and vulnerable.

      My opinion is this: Pray, pray, pray for God to slap you in the face with His will for you and your children!!! I know it sounds funny but so many things can cloud our minds that sometimes God has to really wake us up! You are responsible for those children to be “trained up in the way that they should go so that when they are grown they will not go astray.” That’s a passage from the KJV as well. I promise to pray for you and those precious children. I will also pray for your spouse. Love to all of you, from our home to yours:)

    2. (USA)  The Bible says that if an unbeliever will have us we are to stay with them. The time you should get away however, is if he becomes abusive against you and your children and your lives are in danger. 1 Corinthians 7:12-15.

      12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

      15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

      I am in a similar situation though my husband claims to believe in God, however even the devil believes that God exists. I am constantly scolded by my husband for doing things unto God, ministering, praying, rebuking demons, giving money even in small amounts, watching Christian evangelism shows, talking with Christian friends online, laying down tracts to minister the gospel, he complains about me using the gas in the car to pick up church friends to go out or to go to church events at times.

      He and I sit in the same room and he listens to heavy metal, ugly, rebellious music from bands that often practice satanism and witchcraft and I am listening at the same time to Christian music in the same room. In his current state the devil is using Him against me and I am very empty inside in my marriage because of it. I too have had to guard and ask others to pray against a spirit of bitterness, and have often wished that my husband would just decide to leave me. It feels more like bondage and that I am often not able to do God’s will in my life because of my husband or that my husband yells at me for doing it. I feel like my husband is only one salvation and one man, but that I could go and minister to many more without him weighing me down. He has no interest in serving God at all. He doesn’t want to be bothered with it.

      I too have been praying for years and have felt the same way you do that the Lord is saying stay, though I sometimes beg the Lord that if it is his will that my husband just let me go. Who is to know the Lords will day by day? But right now He is saying stay.

      In your situation though sis, I am also sensing the Lord telling you to stay in this one and keep showing a Christian attitude and bravery and strength and gentleness and faith in the Lord. But keep listening… if it gets violent and you are in danger, ask the Lord what to do next and to deliver you.

  7. (USA)  Been married for 20 yrs. Marriage is holding on by a very thin thread, which is unraveling at both ends. He says my language communication sounds very offensive. It’s usually when I ask him about the financial situation and then he goes irate. I am not on the bank account so I don’t know.

    Another scenerio is when the discussion is spending time together for an evening out, or even lunch. He continues to tell me that I have a knack for bad timing to discuss such things (and/or) I do not come across with my communication in a positive, loving way. I just don’t think he wants to talk to me or give up any financial information. I don’t cuss or yell, just ask.

  8. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Thank you God’s Child for the encouragement as well as the prayers. My husband’s family has finally acknowledged his addiction, but feels like its “too little too late,” although I know that God will have the last say. I pray that God may Bless and Guide you so that you may continue to be a blessing to others in need.

  9. (USA)  I don’t even know where to begin, so I will begin from the beginning with a little background. I love my husband with all my heart, so much so I have been tormented for years about what to do. It all began 12 years ago when I met him. I recently got divorced and moved into my own place. He lived next to me and was very attractive but also very kind. I fell hard for him. I lent him money (which I never got back), a car (which was stolen or not returned home for days at a time). I was very naive… didn’t realize what was going on.

    For about 2 years this went on. One day I decided to pick up and move to another state, thinking if we moved together things would get better. I wasn’t sure if he was cheating or doing drugs but I thought I could “fix him”. So we moved away from everyone and everything I know including a good job!

    While we were in our new state, the same thing started happening only a few days after we got there. Wow, my heart was heavy. I was stuck in a motel with no money and nowhere to turn. I didn’t want to call my family because they hated him so much! One day he took me out to dinner and told me he had a drug habit. I thought that was his way of telling me he needed help. So I decided to stay and pray.

    About 6 months later, things got really bad so I went home to my family but missed him like crazy so I went back to him about 2 weeks later. Things really began to fall apart, my car got repo’d and we were about to lose our place to live. My family came to pick us up. Because of their love for me, they allowed him to come back.

    For the next 2 years, he was on drugs for a few months, off drugs and hardworking for a few months. Then he was clean for about a year. I got pregnant and he began his drug habit again. So I decided to move far away from him shortly after I delivered. I was living a decent life. I bought my own place, loved my church family, got saved, stopped cussing-the works. This was about 2 years.

    Then 1 day, he wrote me a very long letter telling me how he felt and how sorry he was for ever hurting me… before this, he never wrote me a letter, not once. So I decided maybe things would be ok. He was in jail for a year, so I figured getting him into church would help him stay off drugs. He came here and for 2 years (yes I said 2 years), he went to church faithfully! Whenever the doors were open, he went. We got married shortly after. If I didn’t feel like going, he reminded me I needed to. Things were still good.

    Then 1 day, don’t know what happened… he turned to drugs and alcohol again. So I left him again. He doesn’t live far from me but the torment I feel. I love him so much and want so much for us to be a family-not just for me but for the kids… but they should not see him like this or see us fighting and arguing all the time. We have lived separated for about 6 months now… seeing each other only a few minutes once or twice a week. He refuses to help me with the kids because “if he can’t have all, he wants nothing”.

    He hates my family. We agree about NOTHING! He asked for a divorce but hasn’t pursued it. I pray about what to do and just when I think it is ok to leave, I read something in the Bible or hear something that tells me to stay. Just when I think I should stay and let God work, I read or hear something that tells me I need to leave.

    I know God isn’t the author of confusion and that it is satan doing his work, but I am SOOOOO confused and don’t know which way to go. I do know that I love my God and my children and don’t want to let anyone hinder that! I miss who I became when I first moved here… I have backslidden and am trying to get back to where I was but it is so hard when your husband (the one that is supposed to love you and support you) tells you that you are nothing but a hypocrite! Help!

    1. (SOUTH AFRICA)  Go onto the site of firesprings ministry.elisha goodman, he teaches people how to become prayer warriors and get their lives back in order with prayer bullets at the midnite hour.

      There are prayer for salvation for your husband, how to put the honey back into your marriage, and how to live a victorious Christian life. The Holy Spirit led me to this site. God bless you

    2. (USA) You are enabling him… He is using and abusing you and having a field day doing it. Here is a good truth speaking article of what the word of God says about remarriage. According to the word of God, what we call remarriage in cases of divorce, is adultery. And to remain in that second “marriage” is still adultery. The Lord does not consider the second vow when he is still holding you to the first. The exception is the natural or accidental death of a spouse. Widows are allowed to remarry.

      The Lord forgave the adultress but he also said “go and sin no more, meaning do not any longer sin with that man who is not your husband.” Here is the link to the artice and an excerpt from it. Following the commandments of God is not being pharisaical. In fact as it says in this article, Jesus rebuked the pharisees for following the “traditions of men” rather than the commandment of God.

      Just like homosexual marriage laws now being made. A piece of paper does not mean they are married in God’s eyes because God is not honoring that union. The Lord is our husband. In cases of necessary separation and divorce we should not remarry unless the other is an unbeliever and choses the divorce, or unless the spouse has passed away. I always say I am married to the Lord. I need to honor the Lord first and formost in all things. Honoring his commandments always brings blessing.

      So according to the Bible, this second marriage is adultery in the first place. The vow may have been made unto men but God is still holding the first one in his hands and we can recieve forgiveness for the adultery but the first marriage vow is still there. This is why God says to be very careful when we make vows unto God and aside from marriage and dedication to the Lord we are not to speak in vows.

      http://www.biblicalresearchreports.com/divorceandremarriage.php#divorcedbeforechristians

      The question is sometimes asked, “What about the vow that the remarried couple has made?” God has told us that we are to keep the vows that we make. The first marriage vow is still in effect and they are still obligated to fulfill that vow. Making a second vow does not nullify the first vow. A person cannot have two covenants in effect at the same time that promises the same thing to two different people. The vow that a person makes in a remarrage situation will never nullify the way God’s law applies to his life. If we say that a remarried couple should continue to live together and have sexual relations together because of their marriage vows in the remarriage, then we are saying that their remarriage vows have precedence over God’s law. God’s law about divorce and remarriage no longer applies to them. This is wrong.

      The Pharisees used this same line of reasoning, that making a vow changed what God says is sin in the issue of Corban in Mark 7:9-13. “And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition. 10 For Moses said, Honour thy father and thy mother; and, Whoso curseth father or mother, let him die the death: 11 But ye say, If a man shall say to his father or mother, It is Corban, that is to say, a gift, by whatsoever thou mightest be profited by me; he shall be free. 12 And ye suffer him no more to do ought for his father or his mother; 13 Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.” The Pharisees said a man no longer had to follow God’s law in honoring his parents by supporting them in their old age if he made the vow of Corban. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for this teaching because they were nullifying God’s law. Jesus told them that they made the Word of God of no effect through their tradition (see v.13)

      In remarriage the marriage vows that a man and woman make, does not nullify what Jesus said that whoever marries a divorced person commits adultery. The marriage vow cannot nullify the sin of adultery in remarriage. If it did it would supersede God’s Law.

      The marriage vow of Herod and Herodias did not supersede God’s law that a man was not to marry his brother’s wife. John the Baptist spoke out strongly after their marriage that it was sin, and indicated that the marriage needed to end. Even though Herodias had divorced her husband and made other marriage vows, the second marriage was sin.

  10. (SOUTH KOREA)  Wow! I must first say it is so encouraging to find other women who love the Lord and are seeking to do His will going through this, why? Well, it’s because the Enemy of our souls just loves to keep us in the mindset that we are the only one going through this and no one can understand. But oh how Im finding GOD does!

    I have been married 14 1/2 years, have 2 children. I gave my life to Christ at 9 years old, but by my teen years I was very much into the world. I married an unbeliever, not really ever thinking or acknowledging that this was not God’s will for my life. I was really stubborn and set on marrying and doing as I set my mind to.

    VERY FOOLISH, looking back on that choice- not that GOD is not able to work out His greater purposes but WE make really foolish choices and when the consequences fall we are dumbfounded as to why it has come to this. Now, understand I am speaking on what I have experienced and based on God’s Word when we choose to disobey God’s commands-you can expect consequences to fall.

    And after many different issues in my marriage, adultery, child born out of wedlock, financial issues, God began to show me through His word that yes -He is a God of Sovereignty and is able to do great things in my loved ones. I needed to confess, and repent for my own disobedience. I cannot change my spouse’s choices nor his choice now to live without Christ, but I can do what God has called me to do and that is to stand firm in my home. I only recently have gotten to the place where I truly don’t have-not for another day nor hour, to try in my own strength to be the wife God calls me to be. But thank you Lord for 2 Corinthians 12:9. God grace is sufficient for me, it is made perfect in my weakness.

    My spouse has fallen into an occult in which they teach a doctrine that they themselves are gods, and that Christ is not God. I can recall how at times in my marriage -when I still was placing my spouse as an idol before the Lord, I would conform to the ways he liked me to be. Knowing all the while it was never enough, knowing all the while I could never be his everything nor can I be his everything.

    Gods Word says, We are to love the Lord GOD with all your heart, all your strength, and all your soul. Deuteronomy 6:5
    God literally, tore down the “alter” I built to my spouse and had to bring to a place of repentance and utter brokeness and forgiveness to then begin to rebuild on the solid foundation that is CHRIST.

    I sought wisdom from pastor and elders, but ultimately the wisdom we need to be seeking is from Gods Word. He alone is the true authority, and though people have opinions on what we can do with our situation-only GOD can speak to our heart and through the guidance of the Holy Spirit show you the path to take.

    I had many “Christian” friends tell me to leave him, that it was all scriptural-however, not one challenged me to get before the Lord and seek His will for this situation. If GOD is truly GOD nothing is immpossible for Him. He loves our families and sees our broken homes and lives and desires to restore and rebuild-but in seeking Him be sure that He will deal with you first. I am seeing that, that process will last until I walk into enternity. Let him show you -YOU, the Word is a mirror truly showing us our true selves. He wants to make us more each day like His Son. I know GOD will do His will for my home and marriage, I just want to be submissive and yielding to the way and time in which He choses to do it.

    He desires oneness with us- for us to know Him more and and draw near to our heavenly father. Sometimes, He will use that suffering in our life to refine us and grow us, not because we sinned but because we would have never come to utterly place our whole weight down upon HIM and His Word -if we lived a contented life without trials and storms.

    I rededicated my life to Christ in 2010, after being on the fence about a lot of things. But God is faithful, and I trust Him. My spouse is lost, but I trust in My Lord to do what man says is impossible! He can give sight to the blind, the lame can walk, and those in chains are freed.

    Be encouraged Ladies, our GOD is awesome! He can take the wreck we made of our life and turn it into a testimony to the gospel of Gods grace! What freedom in that! He can do amazing things in and through a life yielded to Him and He will get ALL the glory and honor. Thank you for taking time to read and God Bless You!

    1. (USA)  Amen sister, be encouraged. The Lord will protect you because you do what is right. Be blessed in Christ… in Jesus name, Amen.

      1. (UK) Dear Rhiannon, I was truly encouraged by your words. I pray that God will heal your marriage and that your husband will turn to Christ. May the Lord give you perseverance to keep on praying for him. As you wrote, God can give sight to the blind…let’s persevere in hope, hope which comes from God.

  11. (UNITED STATES)  Rhiannon, my heart aches for you. I too knowingly married an unsaved man, when I wasn’t walking closely with the Lord. In fact I was pretty far away from Him, though I know He was always near me.

    We’ve been married 25 years now, and I can see glimpses of his heart softening. I used to be so afraid he’d leave me if I got too close to God, and so I wouldn’t let myself grow. I’d made my husband & our marriage an idol. Just before Valentine’s Day I came across an article that confirmed my fear was real, that many spiritually single spouses feel this too. The article encouraged being honest with your spouse about the fear of losing him/her, and why. So, I wrote my dear hubby a Valentine’s Day note, expressing my love for him, my fear of losing him, and my respect for where he is spiritually. I also apologized to him for the times I’d been preachy, self-righteous & prudish, that is not how a wife should behave.

    He hasn’t said anything about the note (other than he found it 11 days after I’d placed it in his laptop for work, go figure), but I’ve given the whole situation to God to work out in His way, in His time. It’s probably going to take a crisis, and I actually look forward to whatever that is. It’ll test my faith & my witness, but as you said His grace is sufficient for us, and that He is strong in our weakness.

    God be with you, Rhiannon, and with all of you. Have a blessed weekend, and year!

  12. (USA)  I am currently engaged to an unbeliever. When we met we were both Christians. He was a very strong Christian. He actually built me up so much in my faith and made me a better person and follower of Christ. We’ve only been engaged about two months. I knew the proposal was coming because we had been talking about it for some time. One night he came over to my house and asked me to come outside. I thought he was going to propose but instead he told me that he was seriously doubting his faith and feared that eventually he may not be a Christian anymore.

    I was so shocked I didn’t really know what to say. I tried to convince him that it was satan putting the doubts in his mind and it will pass eventually. I tried to minister to him but it’s difficult to minister to someone who knows tons more about the Bible than you do. He says that he pretty much doesn’t believe anymore but is still hopeful that there is a God.

    He has a very logical mind. He is a science major in college and has a hard time putting all his faith in something blindly without any hard evidence that God exists. I feel for him to believe he would have to see a miracle that defies all science but those are hard to come across. I decided to stay with him and a few weeks after he told me he proposed but I am really scared. I worry about him constantly because if something ever happened to him I don’t know if I could handle not knowing for sure if he is in heaven. I wouldn’t have the comfort of knowing if I would ever see him again.

    I also worry about when we have kids. I, of course, want to raise them Christian and he agrees that he wants that too but I don’t want him to feel like he’s lying to them and I worry how it would challenge their faith if they ever found out he wasn’t a Christian. I promised him I wouldn’t tell anyone about it but that leaves me in a difficult situation because I just really need guidence but have no one to talk to, so please, if anyone has any advice it would mean the world to me.

    1. (UNITED STATES)  God specifically calls Christians to marry only Christians. He says that you will be unequally “yoked”. I wasn’t a Christian when I married my husband of now 13 years. I became a Christian 1 year later. I love my husband with all of my heart, but if I had to do it over, I would do it God’s way. I learned a long time ago not to make my husband’s relationship with God an idol in my life, but I have wanted him to come to know the Lord for so long.

      We are so “unequally yoked”. He watches stuff on tv that I feel convicted about, but he doesn’t, so it affects our children. We argue about what to teach them and how to discipline them. I love the Lord with all of my heart, and he doesn’t. Enough said!!! O NOT MARRY AN UNBELIEVER. YOU WILL REGRET IT. DO IT GOD’S WAY, AND HE WILL BLESS YOU. Think about all the things he gave up for you, even his own life. It is not much for him to ask you to obey him when choosing your life partner. He made the perfect person just for you, and you are going to miss it if you do it the world’s way.

  13. (USA) I have a question. I tried to get along with my husband but I cannot any longer. He aruges with me everyday(for 8 yrs now, but lies started from day one). He drinks and lies and does drugs and he really don’t believe in God. He never supported me in no way ever; the only reason I married him is because we have a child together, but now my son is 21 and we have been married for 13 years..I live by the Torah, and he doesn’t, I am very sick today but he doesn’t care. So my question is can I get a divorce from him? Peole have told me yes but I could never remarry until he dies, but to tell you the truth I will never remarry again. I don’t trust anyone anymore. It’s always good at first then goes down hill from that first year. I don’t feel that he and I should be together anymore.

  14. (AUSTRALIA) Please help! I grew up in a Christian home and fell in love with The Lord as a teenage girl. I finished school at 16, moved in with friends and backslid. I ended up in bed with a non believer. We stayed together as I felt guilty to leave and felt that I had already joined myself to him because I slept with him. I loved him also but I knew we were not compatible and I felt that he wasn’t the right person for me.

    We both went back to church three years later and he said he believed in God, but he has never fallen in love with God or had an intimate relationship with him. He never actively pursued God or his word or his ways. He just followed as I led and sometimes dragged him along. Back at church we were pressured into marriage. We were living together “in sin”… so at 19 I married him.

    Before we got married I was so anxious. It felt wrong and I didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel he was the right person for me. I knew we were incompatible but I was decieved into thinking that God wanted me to marry him because I had slept with him and that it was “the right Christian thing to do”. We have been married for nearly three years- I am now 22 and he is 26, and I still feel the same. I don’t feel that we are compatible, I don’t feel “in love” with him. I’m not physically attracted to him. He doesn’t give me butterflies or make me happy. I have put 100% into this marriage and sacrificed everything of myself… I have given up my hopes and dreams for life in order to support him and encourage him in life.

    Every day I work so hard to show love and respect to him. I lay down my feelings and put them aside and choose to love him. But he is still the same, if not worse. He doesn’t want to go to church, his heart hasn’t softened to God, he’s angry and nasty and selfish and rude and sinful and doesn’t show me love or appreciation or cherish me. I still care for him and don’t want him to be hurt but I can’t live like this anymore. I understand that I made a stupid decision and that I must live with the consequences but I was only a child- 16 years old and 19 when I married him.

    My parents were so disappointed for me because they knew he wouldn’t make me happy. I thought I was pleasing and serving God by choosing to marry him but I feel like I have traded in all my hopes and dreams and happiness and that my whole life revolves around him. I support him, I support his family, financially and emotionally. I am cool and clean. I give him my body when I don’t want to, I lay my expectations and emotional needs aside and focus on showing HIM love.

    When am I going to get something back? I need to be loved too- I need support. And I should get it from my husband- yes, I have God but this relationship has to be a two way street because I cannot work this hard forever- I will break. I can’t always be the strong one. When I try to talk to him he doesn’t care or listen- he is too caught up in his life and his feelings and his issues. He doesn’t care about working on a marriage- he seems to think it will work itself out.

    I am the only one working… I’m about to break. I’m dying inside- my heart feels as if it is hardening. I’m sick of the heartbreak. Sometimes I feel like I should serve God by loving my husband but the more I try and love him- the more I sacrifice -the more I lose of myself and the more torn I am between God and my husband. I just feel like running away… I would rather do it now while I’m still young than live a lifetime of this hurt. Please help.

    1. (USA) Dear Sarah, I hear your pain. I first want to say, I’m sorry for what you are facing. And I want to encourage you by saying every prayer and every tear God has heard and seen. God has great plans for you FOR GOOD (Jeremiah 29:11), and He does work ALL things for good. Though you feel you made a mistake when you married your unbelieving husband, God already knew you would marry Him. He is all knowing.

      I’m going to encourage you to no longer consider the marriage a ‘mistake’ but begin to speak life. The enemy knows how bad this situation is hurting you, and if you continue speaking death you will only become in a deeper bondage. Continue to pray for your husband. Continue serving as unto The Lord, even if it’s extremely hard at times. And begin to say constantly “Thank You God, I know you are moving on my behalf, though I cannot see it yet in the natural, You love me and are moving on my behalf. Thank You for loving my husband. He is a soul and just as much as you love me You also love Him. Give me Your eyes Lord so that I can begin to see Him the way You do.”

      Continue to fight the good fight, though you are young, if you continue to lean on Christ He WILL give you the strength and desire to battle. I pray in Jesus name, dear friend, that Jesus would have His way in Your life and that you would be filled to overflowing today with His presence. That this circumstance would be a testimony and useful to women world wide. Let this experience mold you and perfect you. Be strong and courageous. Blessings and prayers for you my lovely sister.

    2. Dear Sarah, God bless you for your letter. Your case is almost identical to mine. The difference is you seem much more pure and prone to sacrifice – which is really Christ-like quality. Stay strong on it really. I mean, on words we, all Christians, declare how we want to be all Christ-like, but he was willing to die for the world, for the sinful, ugly, not loving, undeserving, who treated Him badly for no reason! It is our chance, because it would be easy in our flesh for us to be Christ-like if we are surrounded with perfect unions, godly parents, godly church, godly husband etc. I mean – we are where we are and Christ and His Spirit and His way is our only solution. And He is backing us up.

      I am 46 now, I married my husband 5 years ago, we were dating 1 year. I left the church a year before I met him, and it was indeed a right thing to do since the church leader was preaching heavily about God’s sovereignity in choosing people either for Himself or for eternal separation/damnation/hell or whatever. I would have stayed in church if there had been real brotherhood, freedom of opinions while we were growing up spiritually etc. but it was all very controlled and manipulative. You were either complying and obedient or you were gone. I left before I was kicked out. And I would most certainly be kicked out, because I acquired a new belief, Bible based, OF THAT I am sure and that is Christian universalism, I emphasize Christian, based on Christ and His finished work of saving the WORLD (everybody in his time).

      So in that state of mind, and still full of faith and joy, I met my husband. I was never in love, and very soon driven by guilt, because we slept together etc. He turned out to be very harsh, controlling, violent in words (once he even hit me), he puts me down etc. He was never like that when we dated, so in a way I feel cheated, plainly tricked into believing that he’s something, which is not. My only oasis is God’s word, early in the morning I pray, study, God is showing me wonderful things in His word because His word is my primary passion.

      But with my husband I don’t have any thing in common. We never had. I don’t want to complain here about him. I’m aware he cannot be different. Our only solution and rescue is in His arms. He’ll never leave us or forsake us. There is a plan. I will repeat: we all want to be Christ-like but when it’s time to suffer as righteous – we step back. I don’t want to suffer. I want out. Still I haven’t make decision. I feel I’m doomed if I go, and doomed if I stay. Like there is no way out for me. I feel like I will be having guilt trips in either case. I will stay put until God shows me clear path.

      I pray for you, and me and for every woman here to be open to His spirit to lead us, confort us, to carry us. We should all have our hearts prepared to suffer gladly as righetous. I know it’s heartbreaking, because we all had dreams to suffer for Christ in the world, but having our homes as oasis. I’m hurting because it is not so. But the solution is Him only :-)

  15. (UNITED STATES) My husband and I live with my mother in law and my sister in law. I feel uncomfortable and disrespected when my sister in law sometimes walk around the house showing her underwear, wearing a tee shirt and underwear only. I told my husband how I feel about it but apparently he feels like there is nothing wrong with it.

  16. (USA) I have been married to my husband for 8 years. We met in church and at the time we had the same Christian beliefs. We didn’t have much in common, but our foundation was God. We would always uplift each other when one was down, encourage each other and we admired each other’s faith and we grew together as strong Christians. We were involved in many aspects of our church. We were part of the choir and would organise the youth activities for the church. My husband became a youth minister and he was a role model to the young people and a great encouragement to our church.

    About a year ago, my husband had a negative experience and since then, he has turned his life completely around, to the point that he no longers believes in God. Since that time, it has been a struggle. We’re trying to find different ways to reconnect but it’s not easy because we both feel a wall between us. We no longer have the same friends, being that he is 30, he started to go out in bars once in a while, which I may not agree with because of my beliefs, but I do understand. I do not have many friends being that I am from a different country, so I do not have my family with me and he is all I have here.

    I love him and I want things to workout for us but I am not willing to leave my faith because it is who I am. I let him do what he needs to do because he needs to have his own experiences and I want him to be happy and as long as he respects me and my beliefs, I can be understanding. What is difficult is to find the middle ground, because he’s atheist and I’m a Christian. I am 31 and would like to have children soon, but how is that possible since we cannot agree on the same beliefs? How will we raise how children? I know that we both want our marriage to work because we love each other and we are also best friends. But If anyone has advice on how to make our love grow even though we have spiritual differences, I would really appreciate any advice.

    1. Julialuv… Hold strong to your faith. I lived in a home with mom (the believer) and dad (claimed atheist). It was hard on us children as dad was a drinker (sometimes abusive physically). It was hard on mom. Most my life I thought that was just how my dad was. I found out that my dad had a negative experience at church when he was a teen. All my life that’s all I knew. My mom never stopped praying and believing for my dad. After 20+ yrs they divorced.

      In 2006 my dad was diagnosed with cancer in April and in December we was told he didn’t have much time so the last 2 weeks of his life he sobered up and asked for prayer and he prayed. With all my heart I believe due to the peace God has given me that he made it. Not that I want it to take your husband this long. The problem with my father was he grew hard-hearted after his negative experience. So whatever happened in your husband’s life needs to be faced and dealt with. So that is where the healing starts and it needs to be asap. I pray God can help and I know he has the ability to do it. Forgiveness is the best for him and I say from experience that is a hard bone to swallow.

  17. Me and my husband are separated. When we met it was soon after I gave my life to Christ and I asked the Lord to send me out. I went through enormous trials. My husband I met at a Bible study and he said he was a Christian. My best friend’s husband introduced us together and then told my husband that he did not need to marry me. My husband did anyways because he did not listen to my best friend’s husband.

    It was like the narrow road I went through with him. I have never seen such darkness before in my life. He had 4 children that the state gave him. That was his sister’s children. I worked; he didn’t. He lied with his dad with all the kids. He basically got the kids for the money. He did not care for any of their needs. I had to do it all and I have a small child from a previous relationship that is now 7.

    I left him many times because of his abuse. He was verbally and mentally extremely abusive. He is responsible for so much hurt and pain that I have in my soul. I still cannot figure out how to get healed from it yet and really need prayer to get through it mainly because I do not understand why the Lord would ask me or lead me to that house and give me the desire to be married and it ends in the way it did. We are still married but have been divorced once and remarried. Now we are back at my mother’s house. He is extremely sick and both my mom and dad are not belivers but have witnessed my husband professing to be a believer and seeing all that he has done to me. It all boils down to my husband telling his testimony that the reason why he has done all that he has is because he did not know the Lord.

    But he can’t and I have seen him get even close to death and still refuse to see the truth because he says it hurts too much. It is extremely draining on me and all I want is freed from it and be closer to Christ and have a clean conscience before the Lord. I want to be right with God but I don’t want to go back to my husband because he tears me down and uses scripture against me. He even calls me Judas. He has almost destroyed my spirit. I can’t see how the Lord wants me there and why I can’t get redeemed and the Lord bring a new community of believer to me and let me continue living and be healed from this torture.

  18. I have not spoken to him for a week. I left the Church because of all our arguing and conflict. It was killing me. One lady in the church told me just obey the Lord. It was like I can’t; I don’t have Christ’s strength now. I pray that the Lord brings me close friends, believers that are committed to Christ, and helps me be redeemed from all this. I am hoping the men in the church will minister to my husband. That way he can be healed and freed from all this and lead me and the children to healing also. But I do have doubts. It hurts so much.

    1. Hi Amanda. I read your testimony, and understand your frustration completely. We have to allow Christ to strengthen us and mortify the deeds of our flesh, and crucify the longings in our heart. There are so many godly examples in the word of God that can enlighten our situation and bring peace to the overwhelming circumstances in our lives. I say “we” bc I am also in a marriage with an unbelieving spouse.

      While our circumstances vary in testimony, I encourage you to seek God’s word for everything! We can TRUST it above how we think, or feel? Have you ever read about Abigail and Nabal? Or the testimony of Lois Timothy’s grandmother and godly mother, although her husband was a Greek, raised Timothy to be a godly preacher, who Paul highly exalts, saying, “I have no other man thus likeminded who will naturally care for your needs. These women were women of understanding in their trials. They were not “emotional basket cases”. They allowed God to work in their hearts, and the fruit of their labor was seen before all.

      God hardened Nabal’s heart, and he literally died allowing her to remarry a godly man: David the sweet psalmist of Israel. No doubt she was a prayer warrior, a woman of great understanding (as the Bible professes) before the eyes of God and man… You and I, everyone in our situation. And Timothy’s mother was commended for her upbringing of one of Paul’s greatest shadows. We are called to suffer. Unfortunately, our flesh does not like or understand this, but our flesh is going to the grave, and it knows that. Our soul yearns to be right with God.

      I encourage you to read the entire book of psalms. It will help you to pray, and break through with God! We have to get out of our emotions, and live obedient lives to God’s word. When I read your testimony, it dawned on me that God has put you there (though the children are not your own) to be a godly example to them. To show them how to love a person who is altogether unlovable.

      Our children are watching us. To see if we are the “real thing”. They are souls who need to be won to Christ. We know God can only change the human heart. Sometimes it’s easier to see the faults of others. We have to be honest about ours. God wants us to love our husband’s and our children, to teach the younger women how… We must strive to put our feelings aside! Love is not a feeling, like we always thought it was… Like getting roses, and chocolates ( that would be a nice change) but love is respect. Jesus says, “If you love me, then keep my commandments”. We have been commanded to love our husband’s even when they do not obey God’s word. Read 1 Corinthians chp 13 over and over, and over again. Until the word is hidden in your heart. I like to replace the word “love” in this chapter with “Jesus”.

      I pray for your healing, for any bitterness, or ill feelings of divorce be crucified (I am speaking to myself as well). Satan, we rebuke you in the name of Jesus Christ! The Blood of Jesus is against you! God bless you to do all He has planned for you in this life… May he strengthen your testimony as you cry out to Him.

      1. I realize your comment was posted almost 2 years ago, my response may be a little late, but maybe right on time… God knows. I will be praying for your marriage in the meantime. God bless you Amanda, and all who come to this website. May the Lord God of heaven grant us mercy, grace, peace and restoration, as we endeavor to fight the good fight of faith! Keep on the firing lines! Love, your sister in Christ, handmaiden of the Lord, Elizabeth

        1. Elizabeth, your response was an encouragement to me in the dark valley I find myself in currently. Thank you!

  19. My husband was born to a muslim faith. His parents separated when he was young and for the greater half of his life he never practiced or followed Islam. He went through a period in life where he gave his heart to the Lord, but then life circumstances lead him away. We married after dating for 11 years. He never expressed any issues with me going to church. I am born into Christianity and have given my life to God. I have also strayed away from the Lord but now that I desire to live right before the eyes of the heavenly father my husband now objects.

    He says we believe in different things and has told me to choose. I’m devastated because since we married we have had more sorrow than joy. We were even separated for a time. When he asked to reconcile I sought counsel with the Lord and found my answers in the word of God. It is through God that I managed to forgive my husband in the first place and now he wants me to choose. I cannot live with myself if I turn away from the God I know, the God whom I call Father, the God who gave His life for me. I don’t know what to do as my husband is not interested in hearing, or seeing or compromising with me. I am prepared to compromise with him, and allow him to follow the faith of his choice because I know the power of God can save him. I know that he can be saved through me. What should I do?

    1. Dear Nikita, I’m so sorry for you and sincerely pray for you to stay strong in Faith because I know how hard it is to stay faithful to the Lord in a hurting marriage. Recently I’ve been struggling also with keeping my faith as my focus, as having a happy family totally collapsed after a discovery. I found my unbelieving husband was looking for my replacement on some dating-matrimony offers site recently and actually 2 yrs ago when we were separated due to his alcohol habits, emotional abuse and his declaration that he didn´t want me anymore (I had to go overseas to my hometown with my 4 yr old son).

      I came back after 2.5 yrs to Mexico believing that he had re-evaluated his life and after having received 2 prophecies from 2 dfferent elders that I shouldn´t be anxious and my family would be restored and I would grow solid roots. Unfortunately my husband still wants to lead a sinful life. My objections or strong limits only provoke him to get a divorce (I’m actually going for a vacation to my homeland in 2 days and he told me he doesn’t want be back and wants a divorce).

      Anyway, although I’m heartbroken I still prefer my faith (although I had some doubts) because it is the only thing that keeps me alive and has given me strength to go on. When I feel like losing it, I feel like death is the only solution.

      At this point I could never be as malicious as many people would, because God continues to be in my heart and although I feel like taking advantage or revenge, I am not capable of doing anything like that. So PLEASE don´t waste your precious treasure in HEAVEN to please somebody, it’s not worth it… Let God decide what to do with this situation and believe me, although you don´t feel it’s good for you, you will see it afterward. Maybe you need to separate for some reason, you never know… we are living in last days, anything could happen. Love and Blessings!

  20. Hi, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for these words of wisdom. I recently have been struggling with my spouse claiming that he no longer believes in God. My husband and I have been married for just about 2 years. Our journey from the time we met 6 years ago has been a rough one. We were both brought up in church. I grew up in a Non-denominational church. He grew up Catholic and in the past 7 years has been going to a Non-denominational church (where we go to church now).

    From the beginning of our relationship, He and I have had to fight to be together. Kind of in a “Romeo and Juliet” sort of way with my parents believing that my husband was not the man God intended me to marry. Eventually, they came to accept our relationship and grew to love my husband. Over the last year or so, I’ve noticed my husband not wanting to go to church with me and not wanting to participate in church activities. I’ve been praying for him every day that God would draw closer to him and he would want to draw closer to God.

    Last night, he actually sat me down and told me what has been on his heart, or his mind. He shared with me that he no longer believes God is real and that believing in God is just people rationalizing events and circumstances that happen to us. He told me that he thinks that during our whole relationship, he has put on a “Christian mask” in order to appease me, my parents, and people at church just so he could marry me because he loves me. He stated that he is no longer going to put that mask on and will no longer be going to church with me anymore.

    My heart has been breaking hearing those words in my mind over and over again. I just want to thank you for your words of wisdom in this post. They have brought comfort to my heart and spirit. Regardless of his walk with God, I will continue to grow in Jesus and keep praying for him and that I show him Jesus every day.

    1. Hi, Jessica, I understand how you’re feeling with your husband being an unbeliever. I have a similar situation; the only thing is that my husband is a devout Catholic who believes the only way to salvation is being Catholic and participating in the Sacraments. He is very zealous when it comes to his Catholic faith, but this didn’t start until after we were married.

      I too was brought up non-denominational, but soon discovered I really didn’t know Christ. I was brought up into a church but never experienced the born-again experience. We all can go through the motion of thinking we’re Christians because we said this prayer or that person said you’re a Christian. The only way to know for sure if you or your husband is saved is my asking the Holy Spirit to lead you to know if you’re of the faith.

      Studying 1 John is a good start. Only the Lord can give you that peace and assurance. When I married my husband I didn’t know much about the Catholic faith and soon found that it is not the true faith only a counterfeit. You are never at peace with God and as a Catholic must do things to merit your salvation, but even then you must go to what they believe is purgatory to cleanse you from your sins.

      The Catholic Jesus is sacrificed daily on an alter and worshiped as a wafer. You can’t go to Jesus because he won’t hear you unless you go through His mother Mary. Mary is exalted as sinless mediator and is the fourth person of the trinity. She is called the Queen of Heaven and she must be honored in the Catholic faith. But, Catholics do more to honor Mary they worship her by praying to her, kneeling before her image, and giving her divine titles that God alone desires. When I married and became Catholic I was struck with excepting the Catholic Church as truth or believing what the bible says.

      Because I choose to study God’s Word and believed what His word says I have been an enemy to my husband because I choose not to participate in Catholic traditions or believe it’s teachings. I have been bullied, dragged by my hair, and he has thrown things at me because I told my husband that I choose to follow God’s word and not the Catholic Church’ teachings and doctrines. I have tried witnessing the true gospel of grace to him, but he won’t believe. He rather merits his own salvation than trust in the only person that will save him truly and forever – Jesus.

      I have been having a heavy heart lately because I am a stay at home mom who desires to be with like minded Christians and to be encouraged in the faith. My husband has stopped me from attending a Bible believing church and seeks to control my life. I am trying to submit to my husband like God’s words says, and show him my faith through my actions. But, at times it’s difficult and I cry a lot and want God to save him or save me from all the hurt he as caused me. I just want to say that I want to pray for you about your situation with your husband. I know the pain and I believe we as believers in Christ need to come together and pray against the enemy blinding our husbands from knowing the truth and to pray for the strength and peace to keep walking in the faith. I hope and pray I you read my message and that we can bring together women and moms together to lift our husband up to the lord.

  21. Hello, I have been in a relationship for 11 years in which I wanted to marry. For financial reasons we haven’t and were about to this year. All the while we had been praying to God worshiping together in Jesus Christ’ name. For the past couple months he has been saying Christianity is a lie; I have been praying for him but this is just getting worse. Am I wrong to fight for Jesus?

    1. Hi Stephanie, I read your text and I very much admire your resolve to stay close to the Lord, and to honor Him. With this resolve, you can never “lose.” To answer your question, I would say No, it is not wrong to “fight for Jesus.” However, I do not know what you mean by this statement. Do you mean, “convince your boyfriend of the truth of the Christian message so you can marry?” or do you mean, “I am a Christian and I cannot change my position?” (meaning that you would not marry?)

      I am a believer, and am married to a believer now for 36 years. When we were dating, neither one of us was believing, but when we married, we were both believing. That is a story for another time. My point is, it is not for nothing that the Bible says “Do not be bound together with unbelievers, for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). It’s interesting that you have not married in all this time, and now your boyfriend is claiming that Christianity is a lie. Perhaps God is trying to show you something? You will know in your own heart. Ask Him. He will surely answer you clearly on such an important issue.

      He certainly did with us! We were both believers when we married. Our faiths are very different, my wife is very much a “prayer warrior” while I am more quiet. I do know this, that after all these years, our faith has been a major factor in keeping us together. I cannot imagine being married to someone who is not believing. You cannot share the deepest things of the heart- namely the presence of God, His working in your life, the wonderful knowledge of the Love of God. An unbeliever cannot understand these things.

      I know, I came to the faith at age 24. I had no idea before that age what the Christian message was… and even less what the “Love of God” is. If, by “fight for Jesus,” you mean “continue to pray for your boyfriend, and allow your boyfriend space for God to work in his life,” then you are likely on the right track. I believe that one’s choice of a marriage partner is the second most important decision a person can make in life. (The first being the choice to follow Jesus.) When you give this relationship to God, and allow Him to work His will, you can never go wrong!! I hope to hear from you again… WP (Work in Progress)

      1. Hello. Thank you for your words. By fighting I mean to stand strong in my faith. I also mean to stand up for what I believe in. When my fiancé said Jesus is not Lord, I told him not to say that to me and I cannot marry someone who doesn’t believe and that God comes before him. My feelings are very hurt because I love this man and we cannot pray and worship together like we once did. I will stay in prayer and continue to study Gods word. I know that in time God will answer me.

        I wish in had a “Ms Clara” from the movie “War Room”. Someone to meet with daily. This is very heart breaking to me. This man adores me and my children whose father passed when they were 3 and 5. May God continue to bless your marriage.

        1. Hi Stephanie, That was a fast answer! Standing strong in your faith, and standing for what you believe are certainly a fight!! I can imagine your feelings were VERY hurt!!

          Actually, at one point I said the same thing to my wife, that we couldn’t marry because we didn’t share a faith in Jesus Christ as Savior. Very painful! She was hurt and didn’t understand either. I had no idea how it would turn out at the time. Later she came to the faith on her own accompanied by a mutual friend… that was now 37 years ago! Who knows how God will work with you and your fiancé? I do know that miracles are possible… (every person who turns to Jesus is a miracle). Stay in prayer, stay in God’s Word… do what you’re doing Stephanie!! I admire you!!

          I hope you find a friend with whom you can share your feelings and struggles in a more personal way… but lacking that… this site has been a great help to me. If you’re part of a church fellowship, certainly you can find support there?? I very much hope so!! In the meantime, you’re taking the right road… and your trust will certainly be rewarded! Do you think your fiancé once did believe… and that this is a passing phase of short term doubt? (You mention you worshiped and prayed earlier.) Or do you think that perhaps he never really believed in the first place? Difficult!! (but not impossible!) Mmmm… In any case he will be challenged to really examine his heart. I hope to hear from you Stephanie… Take care!! WP

          1. Everyday just gets worse. He says we have been brainwashed for too long and I couldn’t possibly understand his struggle as a black man, being that I’m an Italian woman. It’s like he’s being brainwashed. This has never been an issue in the past. He was once a believer for sure. I am just so hurt. I have to be strong because that’s who I am. I must choose Christ first. I am ready to separate until he gets his mind right. God Bless U from the Netherlands!

  22. Hi Stephanie, My first question is, “What is his struggle?” Is it whether to believe or not? Or is it something else? I do not see why skin color would have an effect on things of the faith. You can certainly ask him to talk, to help you understand his struggle as a black man…(men are not good at expressing their feelings… I know… sorry.) You say he was once a believer for sure. What happened to make him change his mind? You have relationship now for 11 years, and you said that he has been behaving this way for the “last several months.” I can imagine this is very hurtful and difficult for you… I greatly admire you for how you are handling this!!

    My next question is, “Why did he believe at first?” How did he first come to the faith? Was it a “feeling” or was his belief based on evidence for the faith? (There is a great wealth of very solid evidence that Jesus is in fact God’s Son) Is your fiance a technically oriented person? If so, then looking at the evidence will be of great help to him. Another question, “Why does he now NOT believe?” What about you? May I ask, “Why do you believe?”

    I know I am asking questions here…but these are important if you both are to come to a place of mutual faith and a deeper understanding which will strengthen your faith. I wonder if separation will bring him closer to the faith…or if it will only create more distance between you. In any case, he has to know that you love him, but that you cannot compromise your faith. But you have made this clear already. Do you feel that he loves you? that he wants to be with you, but he is having problems with his belief? It would be good to determine why he believed at first, and why he has had a recent change of heart. Of course you need to know why you believe as well. So important…!!

    My heart goes out to you…really!! I will think of you / and pray for you in the coming days…. Please come back soon with an update on what is happening with you? You take care Stephanie. You are strong!! Find other believers to share with you and carry this load with you!!

    I hope to hear from you soon…. and thank you for your blessing… bless you too…. WP (Work in Progress)

  23. My husband has not been very good to me over the years. Last year I was saved. I couldn’t be happier to have the Lord but I’m also at a place that I don’t know what to do. My husband is not saved and he still disrespects me. I’m not supposed to divorce. I’m probably not brave enough and I can’t find it in me to love him. Yet my faith is all about love. I’m trapped and don’t know what to do?

    1. Hi Julie, Sometimes we need all our strength just to put one foot in front of the other in situations like this, when the tunnel seems endless, and the darkness absolute. My only answer would be to do what you know is right in your heart, and what agrees with Scripture. Even when you don’t feel like it, and the feelings of love are absent. I think that when we knock together, in faith, the framework, that is, the wood support beams, the cross beams, the bare essentials of a building, that God steps in and fills in the walls, the interior, the decorations, the wall hangings… to create the house/home that you envision in your spirit, are not able to build all by yourself.

      You need other Christian couples and trusted friends to talk to and learn from…. and perhaps cry with… who will support and help you. Seek out such people, if you don’t already have them in your life. A man needs to be respected… a woman can make or break a man very easily. We like to give the impression that we are strong… but I have to admit, that we are not. Certainly not by ourselves. That’s why in the creation story, where God creates all the basic things… He always said, “And God saw that it was good.” Then He made man, and He said, at the end of Genesis 1, “God saw all that He had made and it was VERY good.” That’s the FIRST time that God says “It is NOT good” is His comment on man’s being alone.

      We men need our wives! A man believes he can conquor the world when he senses that his wife believes he can. When you, with the help of the support group I’ve described, love and respect your husband, and believe in him, and trust God for the strength and “wherewithall” to do this, I believe that God will step in and build a wonderful house and home around the wooden frame you contribute through your love and respect. Easy? No. Worth it? YES.

      I hope this helps you Julie. I hope you come back to this site… and allow the people here to help you and pray with you and for you. WP (Work in Progress)

      1. Hello brethren, praise the Lord. I am struggling with a dilema of how I can get married. I was living a fornication free life but 10 years ago my fiancé asked me to accompany him to his village so that he could introduce me to his parents. He asked me to board a vehicle to his hometown then we would go there together. I did not know where his village was so he took me to a wrong destination. To cut the story short, he raped me, abandoned me, and I had to find my way back to my home town.

        I feared to tell anyone what had happened since I was a church minister. I later realized that I was pregnant. I tried to contact him but he avoided me. I was put under church discipline. I gave birth to a baby boy. He later resurfaced to apologize. Though my family was against him, I tried to give him a second chance because he involved his family and promised to marry me. It never came to pass, instead he was now living off my little income.

        I also found out that he had a string of girls he had impregnated in the same manner. I decided to turn to God and stayed for 4 years before I met a junior pastor in our church who also promised to marry me. He obliiged not to engage in pre-marital sex. One day he visited with his brother in the evening. I welcomed them, and made some tea. After some time his brother moved out claiming he was going to pick up a motorcycle from the garage.

        It started raining hard and it grew dark. His brother never came back. It happenend again. He wrestled me down on the couch and me. Out of fear, I reported to the senior pastor, who dismissed those claims that I had intended to do that. I got pregnant again and was put under church discipline. I gave birth to a set of twins boys. He also abandoned us.

        After another 3 years I was now getting desperate to marry since it is a taboo to be a single parent. I met Ben who is my current fiancé. He lost his job immediately and he’s unable to raise the bride price requested by my parents. He has no job or any other source of income. I am afraid though he loves and respects me. Could I be having a problem?

        1. Hi Josephine, Allow me to say I am extremely sorry for the wrongs that have been done to you, both by these two men, as well as by the church! I hope and pray that you and Ben can form a God-centered family despite the cultural conditions which can raise signficant barriers! You do understand that the Bible is the written Word of God? Where in this Book does it say that it is taboo to be a single parent? Also through no direct fault of your own!!

          Is your fiancé Ben also believing? Are your parents setting a high Bride-price to prevent your getting married or do they have other and perhaps legitimate reasons for disagreeing with your marriage to Ben? (Yes the Bible does tell us to “honor your father and mother so that your days may be long on the earth.” Please notice, it says “honor” rather than “blindly obey.” My parents also disagreed with my marriage to an earlier girlfriend… I am happy I listened to them, but that is another story.) Does Ben share your cultural convictions? While your situation is difficult, it is by no means impossible! Please let us know how we can be of further assistance to you… WP (Work in Progress)

          1. What’s sad is that there is not one story of victory on this blog. Not one person is testifying of what prayer and sticking by their unbelieving mate has done. God has received no glory in any of you sticking by these unbelieving spouses. This is very discouraging.

  24. Hi Margaret, Yes, what you say is true. And yes, very discouraging. I do recall reading the story of a unbelieving husband and believing wife. He liked betting on the horses at the Sunday races, and she was concentrating on getting her husband saved. He would ask her, “please come to the track with me, it would be nice to share this activity with you.” She replied, “But I want to go to church on Sunday, and I don’t think gambling is right!” So they went their separate ways on Sundays.

    Finally the wife felt that God was telling her, “Go to the track with your husband. You don’t have to gamble! You can just sit with your husband and watch!” So she finally agreed to go with him. After several Sundays, she discovered she liked watching the competition, and the horses were beautiful! So she started to really enjoy herself. Finally the husband said, “If you can go to the track with me, I can go to church with you!” So he went to church…and asked the Lord Jesus into his heart. Here is a story of a believing wife who stuck by her husband…. with a new soul added to the Kingdom.
    I like stories like this…Cheers, WP

  25. Thank you for writing this. God used you to answer my question as to, do I move forward in my relationship with God with an unbelieving husband? It is incredibly hard but the answer will always be yes.

    1. Hi Ashley, The Bible speaks rather directly to this question… See 1 Corinthinas 7 v 13-16. Indeed the story of the wife and the unbelieving husband at the racetrack seems to be a direct intervention by God to a faithful wife.

      A “Proverbs 31 wife” would be a blessing to any man. It seems from your short account that you have the basic character of such a woman. Yes it is incredibly hard… but I think any other “life path” would be immeasurably harder! We men need our wives!! It is not for nothing that in the creation story, the first time God states that something is NOT good is the fact that the man was alone. (see Genesis 2 v 18).

      If you can surround yourself with a Christian community, this would be a great asset for you. Your life as a Christian will have more of an impact on your husband than you can imagine. God works through the women!! I see this time and time again!!!

      Take care Ashley, I hope this reply is of help to you, WP (Work in Progress)