Who can imagine, when you walk down the aisle with the person you love and you speak the vow to promise to love him or her “for better or worse” that the worse would happen? The “worse” involves being married to a person who completely changes because of a brain injury. How do you do this when your spouse becomes a stranger to you and you to him or her? No one could anticipate this type of strain on your vows ahead of time. But it does happen. Sadly, you know this all too well.
First, I’d like to say how much my heart goes out to you. I pray added strength for you and insight as you learn to navigate this “new normal.”
I know I can say very little to take away your pain and confusion. But I’m hoping, as a ministry, that we can give you insights that can help in some way. To do this, I’d like to share four true stories with you of spouses who are dealing with after effects of a brain injury. They have learned firsthand what it is to start a marriage over after a brain injury. I pray they will inspire you in your marital journey.
Starting Over After a Brain Injury
This first article starts with an accident, and continues into the “what to do next” dilemma. When a brain injury challenges those who survive it, what can be done? Please glean through what Stan Ward has learned and passes onto you to read. Perhaps it will help you in your marital struggles after tragedy has crashed into your life:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN “FOR WORSE: MEANS MENTAL TRAUMA
This next article tells the testimony of Floyd and Diana Green (as written by David Boehi). It involves the traumatic struggles and victories they’ve encountered after a car struck them as they were riding their bicycles together.
Not only was the accident traumatic itself, it changed who Floyd was after he gained consciousness. His wife had to learn who her husband had become, and learn how to love him all over again.
This article is featured on the web site for the terrific ministry of Family Life Today. To read what the Green’s learned through their experiences, please click onto the link provided below:
Another Article:
This next testimony is written by Alix Kates Sulman, gives insight into how to care for a loved one who suffers a traumatic brain injury. As the article says, “An injury irrevocably altered their marriage —but not their love.” This is a very inspirational story. We pray it helps in some way as you read:
“Krickitt Carpenter didn’t remember the horrible car crash that would forever change her life. This included the 18 months of her life before that fateful evening on Thanksgiving in 1993. She also could not remember her husband Kimmer.”
To learn about their journey of love and commitment, in an article written by Bonne Stefen, please read:
I pray that God will minister to your needs and give you strength as you reach for help. May God help you as you figure out how to deal with this “new normal.” I pray for you and for your spouse.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have thoughts and/or tips to help others in this area of marriage, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Mental and Physical Health
(UNITED STATES) My husband had a traumatic brain injury 10 months ago. It is good to hear from others who have come to the same realization I have. I now have a different husband, but he is still a wonderful husband. Life must be taken as it comes and God will work all situations for good! Thank you for putting these together. It is hard to find Christian resources on this topic. God Bless!
Anna, I also had a traumatic brain injury, from a car accident. Life has been hard but I graduated with honors many years ago. Its been hard; I can remember everything now.
What should I do about a husband that causes a severe life threat to his wife and is repeating abuse mentally, physically and spiritually? What should the wife do if she lives in fear; what is needed?
My husband caused my severe head injury, but he continues to be abusive, physically, emotionally, spiritually! God saved my life, and I had great joy, and God healed me!!! He is not kind and I live in fear with him!!! What is your advice? I am a giver and I feel like He gave me wisdom in all of the rehab. Most Drs. have tried to take me out of the environment to protect me! This causes a high stress environment!!! I need some wisdom!!!
(CANADA) Hi Anna, My husband had an aquired brain injury after a heart attack. He was only 50. He changed and life changed but God did not.
There are very few sites that deal with brain injury and its effects on a Christian family, and each situation is so different.
(USA) I am 33 with 3 children ages 8, 9, +10. My husband has Traumatic Brain Injury from a motor vehicle accident in 2006. He went about 2 years w/out proper diagnosis, resigned from youth ministry in 2008.
I went to work that summer to pay bills. Same old story… insurance only pays now and then, etc.
We have a great support group, but no one in my life REALLY knows what it’s like to stay married to a TBI survivor! I am grateful to have come across this website. I have never been so close to quitting as I am now! Both of my parents went to Heaven just few years before the motor vehicle accident (cancer) and my husbands parents live hundreds of miles away. (They hardly travel or call.)
At times I’m confused, other times I’m so lonely I just go through the motions. Please pray for my children, too. What a challenge it has been to try providing them the best atmosphere possible. Am I the problem? Almost 6 years later, I wonder if I have accepted my husband’s brain injury. I’m so close to giving up, but I know God is in control! Any advice?
Thank you for praying.
(UNITED STATES) Hi – just want to let you know that I understand. My husband has a TBI (12 years out). It’s hard to find people out there who understand how life is because the divorce rate for people in our situation is incredibley high. I ask myself daily if I have made the right decision in staying with my husband, but life is complicated…
(USA) Lizie, I have recited MANY times, life would only be WORSE after divorce! We can’t give up! We made it through the worst already, haven’t we?
The Bible says that God DAILY loads us with benefits. I look for my husband’s qualities and praise the Lord for what good is left in my husband (compared to man I married). So much is different, but we still have enough to be grateful for! I experienced that gratefulness while begging God to keep my husband safe after the 48 hour mark of him being a missing person (dissociative fugue -part of brain injury). I realized no matter the issues I deal with DAILY… I liked my life better WITH my husband. Till death do us part! Hope you’re encouraged. Thanks for your reply. Jenny
(USA) (USA) This is an awesome website! I too, have a husband who suffers with a traumatic brain injury after a 30 ft. structural wood beam came crashing through the passenger side windshield at an angle. As he saw this coming at him he tried to duck and get out of the way, but it shattered the right side of his face and even broke his hyoid bone (the bone when someone is strangled).
First of all, I praise God he is still here with us because the doctors said no one should survive this kind of trauma to the head. I know God has spared him for greater things in life for God’s glory. I believe God will restore him fully one day (this was in 2006) also. At the time, I was trying to raise a 13 & 14 yr. old boys. 6 months before the accident I lost my mom, 3 months after the accident my husband lost his little sister, and 2 yrs. after my youngest son tried to take his life because his dad isn’t the same. Does it hurt horribly? Yes, but as you all know life goes on and it sure shows us what were made of!
The “things we lost; business, house, car” can all be replaced, but unless people have been through what our family and those I read about on this site have gone through, no one could comprehend how lives can literally be turned up side down in a split second. God Bless all of you for your strength and courage and for not giving up on your loved ones, AND yourselves.
Hello, I can totally relate and am the victim. On December 9, 2003 my employer slammed a large 600 lb.+ fast falling 14’x14′ o/h steel paneled shop door on my head, causing severe concussion, 3 herniated cervical discs, lumbar herniation. This caused me needing 2 surgeries resulting in fusions, temporal visual field defects resulting in about 70% loss of visual field, anxiety/depression, frontal lobe syndrome, central aphnea & now finally narcolepsy.
I would not give up at 47 when this all happened, but it didn’t do anything positive for our family. My wife and I have struggled to hold our marriage together, even though we’re both Christians. I completed my college from the time this happened, including my Master’s degree, but about halfway through my masters I was getting so tired and didn’t know what was happening.
About a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with narcolepsy, which is extremely difficult to live with, especially since I used to be a person with a high energy level, to now a guy who cannot even have enough energy to get 5 hours of things accomplished in any given day. It’s depressing, to say the least, not being able to have enough energy to cope day-to-day. Thanks if you would keep me and mt family in your prayer life. Best Regards, John
(USA) I so feel the same way and feel it is me too… maybe my coping skills. I don’t know. My husband was injured at work. He was a firefighter, tbi, lost smell, and taste, vision changes, and above the knee amputee.
Nancy, I want you to know that hyperbaric oxygen chamber therapy helped my boyfriend regain his taste and smell! He had 2 free months of therapy. He got it through a charity in Florida, Healing Heroes Network. Dr. A Speigel in Palm Harbor Fl offers it to former vets of Iraq and Afganistan. Please call and talk to his wife Stacey, and tell her your story. They may sponsor a former firefighter.
(USA) I wish you could meet my wife; she is the sweetest and most beautiful person in the world. The two of you should be friends. I am Bryan, I was in an accident three and one half years ago that included a TBI. This past July I had brain surgery that made things worse. I turned 36 just before the procedure. We have four great children whose lives have all been changed at this point. All of the adults are running out of steam. I think life ahead gives little hope. We want something better but understanding one another is a problem even with the help of qualified people. The inputting I can say… it’s hold on to some hope whether together or apart; you have to keep yourself going.
Hi Jenny, I know what you are going through. I live it every day. Two days ago my wife, who has TBI, called the police on me for uttering threats. I had 3/4’s of a bottle of wine, which I was drinking from 1 pm to 5 pm. She came outside when I came inside; she found the bottle, we argued for a little while, I appologized, took my sleeping pill and went to bed. I am not a fighter.
She called 911 and said that I was uttering threats. I am now charged and have to go to court to prove I am innocent. This is crazy, I would never do that. But she confabulates almost every conversation. I’ll stay with her forever. I’m one that believes in vows. God knows what you’re up to, and if you’re guilty by man, but innocent by the Lord, you have made your peace.
Living with a person with TBI is like you have to have two memories. It is not fair, but the Lord works in many different ways. I’m sure that because you are here, you will survive and get the rewards in Heaven. God Bless, Ken.
(USA) Oh my dear lady, This is a very difficult road and I want to pray for all of you. My sweet son had a dramatic brain injury at 11 years old. He is now 27. His injury was very severe and has caused him so much anxiety and sadness. It is a hard road and we have worked extremely hard to keep him happy and motivated. My advise to you is get some support from a TBI professional. Stay as positive as you can because it is a long road. I will say from 15 years of being on this journey there are many ups and downs. The thing that has been so difficult for my son is acceptance. He wants a girlfriend, a full time job etc. and gets very down on himself, putting undue pressure on himself.
I am sure your wonderful husband knows there is a change in him but can’t admit it because he wants to be as he once was. And there lies the biggest challenge for all of us… acceptance. Once everyone accepts there is a change, a permanent one, life will get easier. My son battles this all of the time. I just gently remind him it is not his fault this terrible thing happened. That he is wonderful, courageous and blessed to be here. I hope this helps and if you ever want to talk please feel free to contact me. God bless you, Patricia
(USA) Thank you for your prayers. Your advice was encouraging. I am the one who needs to accept the reality of my husband’s condition being permanent. I try so hard to push him to his potential, etc. The good days and bad days life style is so exhausting! Never knowing what each day holds, trying to be a submissive wife, nurse, decision maker, and sometimes “mom” to my husband all in the same day gets confusing!
I have a serious but personal question for anyone living with a loved one suffering from traumatic brain injury: Do you ever struggle with feeling like your loved one CAN do better, is NOT as needy as they portray, CAN do a lot more, doesn’t have to sleep so much, using “TBI card” too much, etc.?
My husband is a good man! Some say I am not nice enough, others say I need to tough love him more. How can I get out if this trap of what seems like I am left doubting and judging rather than loving him. We always hear about the TBI survivor changing, I am afraid I have changed through this trial, in a negative way.
Seriously, this last year has been one of me feeling like I am the problem, I can’t make anything better, my children are changing, I am changing, my husband is in his own little world.
Please, understand I do have faith in God. I believe and read the Bible. I could share Bible verses to answer my own questions, but I just want to know if I am the problem or if anyone besides Jesus understands!
Desperate to NOT give up. Afraid of getting / staying depressed or bitter.
(USA) My wife, Melody, of 30 years, had a Traumatic Brain Injury 21 years ago. It has been a long journey for me as well. Yes, I understand what you are feeling and going through. My life changed dramatically after the accident. We had a 3 year old daughter who was also in the car accident, but thankfully unharmed. Melody was in a comma for 6 weeks and after waking up, had to learn everything over again. Even to this day, she is learning, however slowly it seems to me. She still struggles with fatigue and takes naps and sleeps in late. Hard to understand, but I’m not in her body.
In the earlier days of her recovery, I pushed her to do rehab that she didn’t want to do. We have talked about this and she has shared how she has resented me for nagging her to keep working. Our relationship changed, I’ve changed, and even to this day, I find myself not liking who I’ve become. I rationalize sometimes that I do what I do and act as I act, just to make it through life. Yes, I consider myself a survivor as well as my wife, because that is what I feel I have needed to do to make it in life. I feel guilty for not being as loving as I should at times. I remember the 9 years before the accident and the partnership marriage we had. Now, I sometimes feel as a parent to her, mostly because of her dependence on me for so much.
TBI survivors are each different from what I have learned. The time spent in recovery varies. I have met survivors who appear to be completely normal and seem to function without anyone’s help. I am thankful that my wife is able to do what she has done, but I believe that she will be forever disabled. I suppose acceptance is important, but even that doesn’t change anything.
If you ask me what has sustained our marriage, I would have to tell you our faith in God and knowing that He understands and has allowed us to walk this journey together. Thankfully, Melody is a strong believer and this accident has brought her closer to Jesus, which has encouraged me in my walk as well.
We had a baby boy 3 years after the accident. In many ways this pushed her to feel the need to continue to get up each day and take care responsibilities, while I worked to provide financially. The children have struggled with Mom at times. The TBI has changed them as well. Their relationship isn’t like most parent/child relationships. This frustrates Melody more than the children. Our son is in college and our daughter is married. They have adjusted very well to their Mom’s situation. Sure they wish it could have been different, but then they wouldn’t be the same people either.
I encourage you not to blame yourself as the problem (or your husband for that matter). You are in a process of trying to get by and manage so much. There are bound to be struggles and difficult times. You should expect them and hopefully, find ways to manage your way through them. This is a difficult journey and I encourage you to not give up. Your relationship with your husband is worth fighting for and your kids need their Dad close by, even if things are different.
I often find myself arguing with my wife. Most of the time, over petty things that don’t matter. She seems to have the need to be right about everything and want to have the last word. Maybe, I’m the same and then it just gets out of hand. I need to continue to work on this, because it is harmful to our relationship.
There is so much that I could share and I feel somewhat like I’ve shared to much. It is my prayer for you not to give up or feel depressed about your situation. You are caring a heavy load, but you aren’t alone on your journey. It is alright to cry out to Jesus, he knows and understands what your going through. I know our situations are different, but I understand how you are feeling and struggle right along side you in my own situation. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the LORD! (Psalms 31:24)
I was struggling myself today, and came across this website looking for other men who were struggling with a TBI wife. So far, I wasn’t able to find a guy who is open enough to share. I know that men and women are different, so you may be struggling in areas that I haven’t. Hope this lets you know that you are not alone in this world.
(USA) Thanks, Kirby. I’m encouraged!
Kirby:
I am in the same boat with you. My wife of 26 years developed a brain tumor after a year long bout with breast cancer. We are recovering daily but the changes since the brain surgery are big. She has a tough time dealing with daily life stress. The smallest issues can become major obstacles. As a fellow believer in Christ, know that I am in prayer for you and your family. I know where you are in the journey and I know who you miss. I miss those days when it was just the wife and I fresh out of college and our lives become us. I sometimes feel like I am married to a different person. I have learned to be patient with the things that she says. She doesn’t mean it and it’s not her. It is kinda funny sometimes…we call it no filter. Anyway I know this doesn’t help but you are not alone in your journey.
David
(UNITED STATES) In response to your story, your reading my mind so to speak. I can identify with the frustration, thinking he could do better. My husband has TBI and ADD. Although he is high functioning because of the aftermath of several (4) injuries to his frontal lobes, we struggle daily with communicating. I second guess myself, thinking it’s my fault. After 7 yrs of horrible trials, excessive arguments and counseling, they finally got the right medication. He is doing much better and can track better.
But I feel depressed and now its taken such a toll that I now have anxiety. We are both saved. And we pray often, and yes, no one really understands us. But our Saviour does. I can see your pain as you describe all I go thru. Thank you. I am looking for a support group in my area. God bless you and your husband. He makes a way when there is none!!!
Deborah, what medications help him? I am looking for the right kind of help for my husband.
(UNITED STATES) In response to your post, I too have a husband who has a brain injury, several injuries to his head 5 total. I feel your pain, and totally understand what you’re saying. I see your frustration. I feel at times I want to leave him, it gets so bad. He can especially be inappropriate in social settings with other people. We have gotten into many arguments with regards to this. He seems to be learning from these incidents to not be so personal esp with women. He hasn’t done anything too bad and has always been faithful to me. But the mere fact is that I never know when he’s going to do something that’s going to hurt me or cause me not to trust him.
I feel many times that I’m waiting for something to happen. I now have an anxieity disorder just living with him. I feel sad. We are both Christians but I will do everything to avoid going anywhere with him except church. It’s very hard cuz I never know what’s going to happen next. He has anger episodes, breaking dishes, and yelling. Then he feels bad. I have to keep busy and refresh myself to brain damage information so I can keep focused that he’s not doing these things to hurt me. I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me. I may one day have to leave him if my anxiety gets any worse.
(UNITED STATES) Jenny, this is an older post but I’m hoping you will get notified of a response. You and I sound exactly the same. I, however, have lost my faith. Husband has brain cancer and now TBI from the surgery they did trying to stop his seizures. I have 3 young children (12, 8, 4).
(USA) It has been 3 months since my husband’s TBI. He was chainsawing a tree and a limb came down and hit him. He had many skull and facial fractures but the bleeding in his brain was not severe, they say. He was able to breathe on his own and has mobility of all limbs. However, he is not right. I hear what you all are saying, that no one understands. I am relieved to find you, that you know and understand what I am going through. I hope that he gets back to normal, but really don’t know if he ever will from what I am hearing.
I am like Jenny, in that I have never considered divorce like I am right now. I won’t do it, too many other lives would be affected. But in a strong way, I wish I could. He has turned mean, and he says things out loud that he never would have before. He is loud, sarcastic, and always has to be right. I try to seek God, to forgive over and over, to realize what he is going through, but it is overwhelming at times. You never know when he will say things that are inappropriate.
This morning in Sunday School after arguing his points with other class members over and over, someone said something about parents letting 10 and 11 year old girls dress seductively. He said “It kind of makes you wish you were 10 or 11 again doesn’t it?” I was mortified. People think he is recovered from the head injury. They don’t understand this aspect of it. I really hate taking him in public. Well, thanks for listening, it does help to write it down and tell you about it.
(USA) So sorry Ann, for the resulting changes in your marriage and life. Athough I am sure your friends, both at Church and elsewhere, see the personality difference and appreciate your difficulty, unless you’ve been there, it’s hard to understand.
My husband survived a TBI accident almost 5 years ago. He functions quite well in public. It is at home that the anger and frustration comes out. Rarely does a kind word come. In fact complaining seems to be his only language and never again will he be happy. However, I believe God has a purpose for him here. I am apparently part of helping him to accomplish that. I will never leave either. I made a vow and I will honor that. But often I wonder what normal life feels like anymore…
(USA) I can completely relate to the feeling of being scared to take your husband in public. My husband, who seems normal on the outside and easily mistaken as “recovered” also says inappropriate remarks and I am always worried about what will come out of his mouth next. You said “He is loud, sarcastic, and always has to be right.” Which is exactly how my husband is as well, and he also has a mean streak which does not help.
I am praying for you.
(USA) Hi everyone, I am so thankful to see that other people are experiencing the same thing I am. It is encouraging and so helpful to see how others are coping. I am twenty-five years old. My husband is 35. My husband was beat up randomly by three men who also robbed him. He suffered a TBI- was in a coma and had severe bleeding and trauma to his brain. He is on new medications after he threatened me and my daughter, had a major episode of anger, said horrible words, and broke many of my things.
After leaving for two weeks, considering divorce, and deciding I could never go back on my vows. I now have to care for him as well as for our 6 month old daughter. I am working and going to school full time, as well. Some days are easier then others, but I feel like our relationship has turned into me being his mother, and in return I get mean remarks, rebellion, and no emotional support. I literally have to remind him when to get up, take his pills, go to work, say hello to our daughter… everything. I pray everyday for the strength and courage to carry on. To care for him in the best way that I can. To see the better side of him… the side I fell in love with. My family is terrified of him, and cannot understand why I stay with him. There are some days when I wish that I could have a husband that was able to love me in return, and I wonder what God’s plan is for me. Thank you all for listening. It is good to vent.
(CANADA) I am glad to find this site where others share their experiences with a brain injured spouse. Our journey has been about 3 years so far. My husband has been a pastor for 27 years–we’ve been married 29. He was diagnosed about 3 years ago with cirrhosis of the liver and received a transplant a year ago. Before surgery, his liver was no longer able to filter toxins from his body so those went to his brain and affected his emotions, judgement, reasoning, and intellectual abilities. By the time of his surgery he was no longer able to pastor or preach.
As a result of his severe health problems, he experienced CPM (central pontine myelinolysis) after the transplant surgery. His new liver functioned well, but CPM caused stroke-like symptoms. He went into a coma for 2 months and then over the next 5 months he had to re-learn how to walk, talk, and eat. Even though he’s improved a lot physically, he still has lots of memory loss, confusion, and loss of much of his reasoning ability. I don’t feel he will be able to return to pastoring anytime soon–possibly ever.
I am working part-time (I have MS). We have two grown children, but still have a young daughter at home. She and her dad function more like brother and sister than dad and daughter. I have so much responsibility that I feel overwhelmed and confused much of the time. I know God is in control and we say He won’t give us more than we can stand, but I’m really close to that breaking point. We were having some marital problems before all this started and this has really complicated those problems. Is there hope? I have taught in church for years so I mentally “know” the right answers, but I’m not sure I KNOW them.
(RI) I am so glad that I have found this website. My husband and I are Born Again Christians and my husband has had some health problems, which include kidney cancer in 2000 and in 2009 fell off a loading dock at work. He injured his head, shoulder, back and neck. He hasn’t been the same since. Prior to the fall he was an Elder in our church and on several boards. His desire was to preach when he retired from his state job. I guess God had a different plan.
His work related injury has caused a lot of stress in our lives. He has to go to court to get approval for any tests that have to be performed. Now 3 years later -he just had several brain injury tests. All tests confirmed brain damage of the front right lobe. Cognitive, speech, memory and depression and more are the result. We knew there was a problem but no one believes us because there is no cast or crutches that people can see. But we know and most of all God knows.
We have been seeing a counselor for several years now and I believe she has been a major help. We have struggled in many areas because our whole lives have changed. Now I feel like his injury has changed many aspects of our lives. We have been married 28 years -with 2 20+ year old kids. I just recently found out that I have osteoporosis type 3 and scoliosis and am only 52. I work full time and am so tired and depressed and feeling like I am alone. I needed to be reminded that God is in control at all times. Thank you for helping me realize I am not alone.
(US) My husband was in a motorcycle accident 4 1/2 months ago and suffered a TBI amoungst other things. Before this happened we were going through a separation due to his 2nd affair in the time we’ve been married (5 yrs and 3 boys 10, 11, 12 yrs old). I changed that day though, and I felt like I wanted to try again. I don’t know if it was guilt or a true eye opener but I knew I had to be there for him.
Today he walks and walks again… even returned to work on light duty. The problem is that he is a perfect stranger to me. He is aggresive and can be somewhat physically abusive. Sadly, it is the emotional abuse that I find more overwhelming. My children have changed; I have changed. However, it has been for the worst. We are all always angry and so nasty to each other. Am I to stay with a man that didn’t deserve my love before the accident and today has pushed me even further away? With all that being said the first words out of my husband’s mouth when he came out of his coma were “I don’t remember if I was good to you but I want to be now.” He still insists he loves me, I just can’t find the way to accept all the things he is doing that are wrong in my eyes… What to do???
Rebecca, You need deep advice from a trusted, wise counselor because you have a lot of sorting out, to do. This is complicated on so many levels. I truly wouldn’t just go to just any counselor, though. You need to be careful because of the care that is needed to unpack the feelings you had before the accident and the feelings you have now, and the present problems you have now. There aren’t a lot of counselors who could help you do this without causing even more problems. But I’m confident you can find one who can.
Please go through the “Marriage Counseling” topic and read and glean through the articles. I say this because you need a marriage-friendly counselor. You need to understand that type of counseling. And then with this counselor, it will be important to unpack what was in the past and then sort out what is presently happening –two different matters (because his accident has changed things) without having a counselor who is quick to tell you to jump ship. Perhaps your husband can be trained to not take his aggression out on all of you and perhaps you can learn a different “love” to be lived out and perhaps not. But whatever, you have a lot to consider here –especially with your young boys. They are seeing all of this happening in front of them and it’s influencing their lives.
But years down the line, they will be unpacking all this in their own minds on different levels and you want to make sure that you don’t add to the confusion by making a move to leave or to stay without considering all of the ramifications of both –even and especially because of your husband’s emotional and mental condition as a result of this TBI and his ability to interact with the family in whatever way that will develop, and take care of himself and such.
The ministry of Focus on the Family comes to mind because they have counselors on staff –ones you can start with who could possibly recommend someone who could have the expertise you need. We also have other counseling referral services listed in the Links part of that topic. I truly hope you can find the right one. Whatever the cost, it’s worth it because whatever you decide for your future and for your son’s future and for your husband’s future, it will affect each of you in different ways for the rest of your lives. This will require a lot of sorting through some very tough issues. I pray you’re able to find the counselor you need and hope that you’re careful in who you listen to. Many friends and family members can mean well, but they can steer you in a way that isn’t good. Please know that. I pray that some day you will see “goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13) and that you will be able to infuse laughter into your home and into your lives. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance” (2 Thessalonians 3:5). I’m not just saying and praying these words, I mean them from the depths of my heart. I really hope well for you and your family.
(USA) I feel for all of the folks here who have lived through this kind of trauma. My husband suffered a brain injury a few years ago, and I am so relieved that he survived, needing several surgeries. At first, my husband did not know where he was, what he did for a living, and had to learn many things all over again. Luckily, he did recognize his family. We’ve been married for over 20 years, and have had a blessed partnership.
For him, it seems that the biggest challenge is accepting a new set of limitations. He feels that his memory is not as sound as it once was, and struggles at times with following directions and losing things. He did return to work within a few months of his injury and successfully worked through many challenges.
The most difficult thing that I have experienced with his recovery is the fact that his temperament is quite intense now. He can be incredibly happy, but turns quickly to feeling quite sad and dejected. The intensity of his occasional anger is very difficult for me, and there are times when I feel quite alone. Please pray for us. My husband is a very, very good person who cares deeply for others. Thank you.
(UNITED STATES) I am glad to have come across this website. To try to sum up my story… me (27 now) and my husband (30 now) secretly got married after 7 months of knowing each other. We were married less than a year before he had his accident. I was also 3 months pregnant at the time. He was in a car accident and suffered a tbi and was hospitalized for 4 months but is now doing well after all he has been through.
I have felt like many of you trying to wear all the hats in the family at one point, and even sometimes feeling like his mom. My problem now is that we have become very distant with one another and I found out he went out with some other women. He claims he just wanted to get away and have fun because he didnt want to be at home with me. I am having the hardest time dealing with this as I have seen a picture of them two in his car. I know I should be understanding of his TBI (happened 3 years ago now), but I feel very worn out, exhausted (we have 2 young boys, plus work), emotionally drained, hurt, betrayed, disrespected.
I threatened to leave and get a divorce… I don’t want that but I honestly don’t know if I can continue to live like this. This is just one of many arguments we have had about similar situations the past 3 yrs. There are other issues we’ve had in the past, which I thought I forgave him for but this one has sent me overboard. We all have changed through this process. I’m finding it very hard to fight for us anymore. Thank you.
(UK) I am so relieved to have found this website and people who really understand what long term brain injury is like to live with. I have decided that I’m just so selfish after 11 long years. My husband has the injury and I have tried my best to raise our children as well as possible. Everything I have done for the last few years is wrong in my husband’s eyes. He is unable to work -like another writer on here I wonder how much is can’t and how much is won’t with so many things now.
He is angry with the world, wishes he was dead every day and is pretty much completely different from the man I married. I have tried as hard as I can to learn to love the “new” husband in my marriage. I feel I don’t any more and feel so guilty because he says he still loves me and always will but he just doesn’t show any interest in me as a human and doesn’t know me, just criticises and blames all the time. I feel pushed out of my own marriage -like being married without a marriage in most senses of the word. Someone described it in a poem as being a married widow.
I’m in my 40s and the thought of another 40 or so years if I am lucky, like this is too much to think of. To remain outwardly unloved all that time -I don’t know how to deal with that. My marriage and vows weigh heavily on my mind and I have recently strayed both mentally and now physically. My guilt is huge and as a Catholic I am really struggling. I really feel I can’t carry on the way things have been for so long. It’s destructive to family life and hurts the children, me and my husband. He is even more angry now and I have no idea how to get back from this or even if I want to at the moment having really fallen in love with this other man who incidentally puts my husband’s welfare above his own. My children are my first priority always and protecting them.
I pray for strength. Everyone says “I don’t know how you’ve done it for so long.” I have faith. I can’t put it down to anything else. Is it wrong to want to be happy? Does God really want us to be so unhappy? Everything I read is just making me feel more inadequate when I read how strong others on here are and how they have remained faithful and so positive about their direction. I feel like I’m having to hold the marriage together on my own and now that it has gone badly wrong I don’t know what to do at all.
I feel like if my husband would allow it I would be a better friend and carer if I wasn’t his wife now. I don’t want to feel tolerated at best for the rest of my life. At the same time I know some of what happens is not my husband’s fault. However, the cumulative effects are so hard to bear. Is anyone else out there in a position like this?
(CANADA) Jane, I do understand a lot of what you feel, I think. My journey hasn’t been as long as yours, but I do understand the loneliness. My husband is temperamental and childish and very self absorbed. I have also struggled with feelings for someone else. At home I feel like a single parent with 2 kids –my husband and daughter. So, no don’t think all of us are handling this wonderfully.
Thank goodness for this site. I lose my temper with my husband and feel guilty about it all the time, but I also resent that he has had tons of couseling and support but only implements it for work, but not at home. I know I should be grateful he’s working, but it’s ao hard to deal with him at the end of the day. He’s churlish and short and totally unreasonable.
(USA) My husband suffered a TBI in 12/2011. He has been ill most of his life but was doing well at the time of this accident. While in the ER because he wasnt feeling well he was misdiagnosed as having a stroke. The ER doc felt that he needed to be intubated and while attempting to do that my husband was administered propofol which did not do well with his CHF.
As a result, he suffered a brain injury. It has been incredibly difficult on me and my kids. My husband went straight to rehab for a few weeks. He left the hospital basically as an infant, unable to do anything for himself. He is home now and totally dependant. He has not regained his ability to speak, eat regular foods or any hand function so that he can take care of his personal care. The hardest part of everything is missing his voice. Is it possible after a year for him to regain his speech?
We have done outpatient therapy and he can walk and communicate in his own way. I love him so much and continue to pray that one day he will regain everything he needs to feel whole again. We have established that he can read and understands everything that is going on around him. Thanks for the site and support.
(UNITED STATES) God did not cause my husband’s accident, but after nearly 4 years since, a lot of PT, OT, Cognitive Therapy, Couples Counseling and Individual Counsel for myself (as well as buckets of tears), I am at last coming to grips with the fact that he is and will always be a familiar stranger as a result. The thing is that I was a casualty of this catastrophic event too, and so were my adult children. None of us have remained undaunted or unscathed as a result of his TBI, the heart attack just hours following, or the summer of 2009 in coma. We too have been changed.
There is no more time left to feel guilty about what I should or would do when facing his care –I do what I must do. There is only the reality that I was created as an individual, was married (and continue to be married 36 years now) as a couple, and now we are individuals again. Jesus knows my suffering –our suffering –but I must continue to move forward so that I can be as much as I can be despite whatever tragedy falls my way.
There were parts of him –his persona –that were left dead on the highway, and I continue to grieve those lovely parts of him that for now are away from me. There are new replacement parts of his persona which are less-than-attractive. I do not embrace these new parts, but realize they are not going to disappear either. I was married to a lovely, kind man for 32 years before this tragedy befell us. Today I am married to an angry, narcissistic, bigoted man who views love and intimacy as a disgusting feature that he will not and cannot partake in. And at this point, the ugliness he portrays much of the time no longer enamors me to him. My life is made up of chapters. This new chapter is painful and lonely true, but it is my chapter.
Whatever made me think that changes would not take place? I no longer have my lovely man to watch my back and love me, but I will continue to care for him. I will watch my own back now, and I will make new friends and participate in new activities to help to fill the black hole inside and make me a better person. Don’t get me wrong! Letting go of my wonderful partner has been the most difficult challenge for me thus far. However, I do him no good service if I don’t encourage his individuality as well.
In the months after the accident and coma, of course, I was his full time caregiver, but through rehabilitation he is better able to do for himself now, and he wants to be more independent. By taking better care of me now, I will not only be learning and growing as I go, but will always be better prepared to tend to him when he needs me. If I don’t take care of me, then it will not benefit either of us. This was never a choice to be coupled up with a very disagreeable TBI spouse –it never is a choice, but it’s what has been given to us.
After countless months and years on my knees before my Lord, I know that He will encourage me forward and will help me in the care of me as I move along my road. I will grow in strength and continue to care for the man who has been so emotionally and mentally wounded as a result of this catastrophe. Jesus is my light and my strength. Moving Forward until I no longer can move! God’s Peace and love to you all!
Thank you SO much Barbara, for sharing this with us. I so, so admire your tenacity to be faithful –especially in light of all it means. May Christ be your strength and hope and may He help you to find light even in the darkest of times. My prayers are with you.
(CANADA) It’s been more than 27 years since my husband’s TBI (left frontal lobe). From this vantage point, knowing what I know now – all the years of frustration, financial insecurity, and isolation – what would I have done differently? First of all, I would have fought harder for financial compensation.
We basically got nothing. Second, I would have separated from him. He would still have been the father of our three children – I would have encouraged their relationships. However, our union became too lop-sided after the injury. I didn’t do anyone a favour by staying with him – not him or me or our children. In many ways it is harder for the surviving spouse, than for the TBI survivor. The struggle continues to this day.