Marriage Missions International

The Power Of A Praying Wife

I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?

Have you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?

The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.

If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Instead say:

“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.

If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”

If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.

If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.

There is a time for everything, it says in the Bible and it’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.

Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.

This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife, written by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House. This is one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books! As Stormie said it so well: “I can think of no better way to truly love your husband than by lifting him up in prayer on a consistent basis. It is a priceless gift that helps him experience God’s blessings and grace.” With real-life illustrations, Stormie includes sample prayers and “power tools” —verses that inspire and encourage —to help wives rest assured in God’s promises of restoration, renewal, and growth in marriage.

— TO HELP YOUR FURTHER —

The following is are two links to articles to read, which may inspire you to pray for your husband in a different ways than you might have otherwise thought:

10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)

31 Days of Praying for Your Husband

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Comments

550 Responses to “The Power Of A Praying Wife”
  1. Lynne says:

    (USA) MB, I wrote some things to Sue and Ann previously, that I think may help you too. I also understand what it is like to start noticing your flaws after the pain (of what he did) starts to subside. But be honest to yourself, if you’re doing these things that make you feel bad about the person (and wife) that you are, then there’s probably a reason.

    First thing, recognize game when you’re being played. The devil is playing you and his greatest weapon is the element of surprise. Secondly, you haven’t fully forgiven your husband. Pray that GOD gives you the strength to let it go. Trust me I know how impossible it is, but GOD makes the impossible possible so don’t go it alone. Lastly, it’s going to take time. You can’t forgive instantaneously; only HE can, but pay attention to your own efforts. You won’t forgive at all if you don’t keep trying.

    Beating yourself up over what you’ve been doing wrong is not going to change anything, so stop. You recognized that you were being destructive and now you can change that, but don’t dwell on it. You must have a tremendous heart if you can admit your faults (Most people wont). Dwell on that and build yourself up because GOD is the ultimate awesomeness, and you are HIS child. Pray that your actions and subconscious are guided by the Father. Keep your true goal in mind. What do you want?

    If you want to save your marriage focus on that, be not distracted by your faults. That’s the devil distracting you from achieving your goal by lowering your self-esteem and pulling you away from having a good marriage again. Keep your eyes on GOD and the rest will follow (eventually, and waiting is the hardest part). Your wanting to have your husband come home is completely understandable because regardless of the quality of job he did, he is the leader of your household and just because you’re capable of making it on your own, it doesn’t mean it feels good.

    I too know what that is like. You might want to read some of the articles on here regarding separation. You can’t make him come back, but GOD can. You can’t save him if he choses to defy GOD, but GOD can! His burden is not yours. That’s between him and GOD, but if you miss him, telling him that may not be a bad idea. Don’t let your pride stop you from saying how you feel because he did you wrong. Pride isn’t worth a thing when it comes to matters of the heart. When choosing between love and pride; LOVE always wins, because you get really lonely when it’s just you and your pride. Be hurt, you have every right, but don’t forget to heal. You can forgive someone even though it still hurts. But if you hold on to that hurt, eventually that’s all you’ll have left.

    Good Luck MB. My love and prayers are with you. Believe me when I say that I may not fully understand your situation(s) but I can definitely understand my own, and I remember (still know) what that kind of despair and hopelessness feels like. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, but you have to realize that you have control over it, and you don’t have to feel bad. I love you girl and I hope and pray for you. Love, Lynne

  2. Anne says:

    (CANADA)  Hey gals it’s been a few days since i was here. I’ve been doing ok somedays are harder than the rest. Today was challenging coz i was just being engulfed with bitterness towards my husband. Satan has a way of going into someones mind coz all the things i was thinking about are things that have happened. I prayed alot and asked God to forgive me for all the negative thoughts. There are days that i just get so tired of all this. There are days that i just feel anxious and this are the days that my heart is filled with anguish. I realise that this are the days that i really need to pray and let it go so that God can take care of it. Tomorrow we go back to see our pastor and it’s the first time that my husband will speak to him alone and i’ll be with his wife. I know this is God’s way of opening the door for my husband to get the guidance he needs and to talk about whats going on with him. Please pray for him to be able to open up coz thats not one of his strong qualities. I have been praying and i know for sure that it will not take that one day but for God to continue opening the door for my husband. Also pray for me coz satan is really trying to destroy me am fighting hard i think i’m just afraid with all this negative thoughts i’ll miss to hear what God is telling me. Thanks alot ladies i love you all and appreciate all your prayers.
    Lynne thanks alot for the advice i’m trying to open up to my husband too if he notices when there’s something wrong all i do is say a silent prayer befeore speaking so that i may not speak with resentment and it’s working. Telling him that theres nothing wrong when there is is a habit i need to break.

  3. Sue says:

    (SA) Hi Ladies, I’ve been reading all your comments, and I thank God that I am able to see the changes that are taking placing within my marriage. Small things that never happened before, like getting a cup of coffee in the morning before my hubby goes to work – this is something he NEVER does – and the other day telling me that he’s never too busy to spare me 5 minutes of his time – at work. This is something I have longed to hear, but never did.

    These are 2 small things, but they show that change is possible without nagging or making suggestions from your side. Just leave it up to our Heavenly Father to make the changes that need to be made, and accept that in some ways your hubby may never change. But then it is with God’s consent. The will of God will never take you where the grace of God cannot keep you.

    The Lord is powerful and mighty, and (as in my case) even if your husband is not a believer, as Lynn says, the power of God can enable him to become one. With God all things are possible. We as their wives should just keep praying, as that is how we can show our love to our hubby’s. God wants our marriages to work, God believes in marriage!

    So keep praying day and night and make God your priority, and ask God to open your eyes to see what God is doing. Open your eyes, heart, mind and spirit and WATCH and see what OUR FATHER does for us. HE loves each of us. God Bless

  4. Lynne says:

    (USA) Anne, Glory be to GOD that things are getting better even if it doesn’t feel like it right away. HE is at work in both of you right now. Praise him, I am praying for you and for your husband. I must admit I was really hoping you’d write again and checking frequently because you both are making an effort to bring GOD into this and that is when the devil really starts to hit you hard. That is what the devil is doing to you right now. The minute you think a negative thought, train yourself to follow it with "oh that was the devil" and move on (even if you have to distract yourself). Recognition is the biggest weapon you have because your heart’s wants are true and your mind will follow if you "call out" what is happening.

    That is something I have to do when my husband does something bad to me or treats me poorly. I have to stop and realize what is going on so that I don’t start tearing him down in my mind to make myself feel better. I have to realize that it’s just the devil playing on my insecurities and if I can stop myself from tearing my husband down to feel better then I’ve done two great things. I’ve grown closer to GOD and I’ve improved the my image of my husband and it’s easier to respect him.

    I will keep you both in my prayers and I’ll be praying protection for both of you, and if you figure out a good way to break that habit let me know. I have the same one and I haven’t quite broken it yet either (especially when I dwell on what I’m mad about and it takes him a minute to ask.) So far "calling it out" right away has helped but if you figure out something better or something to accompany it let me know please? Love Ya, Lynne

  5. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Anne, Hey girl I am still praying for you and I was just wondering how everything went yesterday? God Bless, Love ya,
    Lynne

  6. Anne says:

    (CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your prayers. Yesterday went well. My husband met with the pastor and I went for coffee with the pastors wife. He didn’t tell me what they talked about and I didn’t ask. All I asked was if it well and if he was comfortable talking to him, and he said he was, so that was good. And he was in a really good mood afterwards.

    My talk with the wife went well too and she was very encouraging. She told me that until my husband forgives himself, he’ll continue to be withdrawn, but she said I can make it easy for him by being loving. And that works most of the time. It will pull him towards me. I should pray for God’s guidance and for HIS love to flow through me, and I can give that love to my husband. She also said that this will help him want to come home from work.

    My husband feels his days at work are the best. First, people don’t ask him about the marriage. And he’s so busy he doesn’t think about his problems. But at home, it’s a reminder of all the issues that are going on. She challenged me, and told me that everyday I have to do something loving for my husband, and to start by being affectionate. There’s no physical contact at all, so when he gets home from work I should hug him if even if he won’t hug me back.

    I’ve been told this before on this site by Amber, and I’ve read about spouses who’ve been loving to their withdrawn spouses, and they slowly come back and they always say that if it wasn’t for that, they may have taken a longer time.

    Pray for me that I may be able to do this everyday. I’ve told myself that I should do this, but when I see him I kinda freeze. But that satan’s way of getting me to be unloving. Yesterday when we got home I wrote him an email and just told him something simple about how I appreciated him doing laundry and cooking dinner the previous day, and that I love him. I just texted him and told him he has mail. I need prayers for guidance and patience. It won’t be easy being affectionate to someone who won’t reciprocate, but with faith it shall happen. Thanks a lot for all your prayers I know things will get better for us. I’m praying for you too. God Bless

  7. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Anne, I am so glad to hear that. PRAISE GOD! That is great advice. I’ll continue to pray for you and for your ability to physically show him your affections. You are on the right track girl, and I am so happy for you. It sounds like you both are making an effort, and that you’ve got awesome help. If you ever need to talk I am here. GOD BLESS! Love Ya, LYNNE

  8. Anne says:

    (CANADA) Hey girls, I need help. I found out that my hubby is still talking to the other woman. I have to confront the issue. Just pray that I do it in a way that will not escalate into an argument. I honestly don’t know how to react, coz I’m trying so hard to forgive him and her …and then this. I know I’ve been praying for God to end their friendship and I should trust HIM, but now I just feel like taking matters into my own hands. I figure that’s exactly what satan wants me to do and I won’t let him win. I don’t know what to do. I had just decided I would do a loving thing everyday, and now this…. Please pray for my husband to let go of her. I just feel like giving him an ultimatum –either her or our marriage. Pray for me please. Thanks. Love ya all

  9. ANNE says:

    (CANADA) Hey ladies I fell into the enemy’s trap… I feel so awful now, my heart is broken and I’m crying for God to forgive me because I didn’t trust Him to take care of the situation. I called that woman and I lost it and asked her why there’s still communication between the 2 of them. She said that they are just friends. She told me some stuff that my hubby has told her –all lies, and when I asked him, he said he didn’t tell her that. I don’t know what the truth is.

    But now I’m so scared that my hubby will end the marriage, because he shut me out and told me to just shut up. We argued, and now I know I fell in the devils trap. I’m so scared because I didn’t leave it to God. What shall I do? I need your help and prayers for God to restore this marriage and to show my hubby what he’s doing. It was just yesterday that we were making progress and now I’m gripped with fear for my marriage. I feel so guilty for not trusting God. I need you all so much and I feel so alone now. Please pray for me. Thanks. Pray that my husband doesn’t say it’s over.

  10. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Anne, WAIT! STOP!!!! Do not confront him by yourself. Call your pastor right now. RIGHT NOW! Have your pastor and his wife go with you when you confront him. If you do it by yourself, your emotions will overtake you and satan will be using them. Refer to Matthew 18:15-20 when someone sins against you. You do confront them first on your own, but you’ve already done that before. Confront him now with two witnesses and your pastor and his wife are already trusted and informed. GOD is working here TRUST HIM!

    There is a reason those meeting went so well and maybe this is why, because if it hadn’t gotten better before, this would have been a final blow. Now there are people in your world who can help. I BEG you NOT to go at this alone BRING GOD. Bring the pastor and his wife Please! Your husband knows he’s done wrong whether he thinks you know or not. So satan will make him defensive and your emotions are running high. I can’t stress enough please bring your pastor with you. You can’t fix this but GOD can!

    I am praying for you Anne, and if you need anything you can definitely ask. I am at work now, but I can give you my personal email for later if you just want to vent. If you feel like you need to scream then do it, but just do it before you see him. I am not in anyway distracting you from what he did, but I am telling you that if you handle this the wrong way you’ll feel terrible all over again. And none of this needs to make you feel that way. I love ya girl and I am seriously praying hard for you right now. Love, LYNNE

  11. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Anne, I guess after refreshing this page, I posted that comment too late. You didn’t handle the situation well, that is true, but this whole situation is not your fault. You didn’t sin against your husband. You did however sin against GOD, and you need to simply ask HIM for forgiveness and ask him to fill your heart with trust in HIM. Start trusting HIM now and that’s how you’ll repent. Trust HIM that even after all that’s happened, HE can FIX this. HE loves you and you need only ask him and have faith that HE will do right for you.

    Anne I am praying so hard for you and your husband. Call Your pastor right away Please? You need some more guidance and your pastor already knows about the current situation in your life. Please don’t fear your marriage ending that is the devil. You should never fear your marriage. I love you girl and I am here if you need me. Keep praying. You only have to ask him, that’s all, but if you stop asking then you wont receive. I’ll be praying. LOVE, LYNNE

  12. LT says:

    (USA) Hi Anne, I’m putting in my 2 cents. I agree with Lynne. You already confronted the situation on your own, as the verses she gave you in Matthew describe. Now you need to bring in others. I agree.

    You should not consider ending the marriage – you’ve been doing very well. But if your husband makes that decision, he is in sin. Basically, whomever makes the decision, is in sin (as far as I can tell based on scriptures I know of) so let it not be you.

    And I agree with Lynne, also, that at this point your emotions are still too close to the surface. This situation is in the VERY early stages of being dealt with. You have to walk this longer and learn more, that God wants you to, before you will be spiritually mature enough, and objective enough, to handle these things on your own. That is why God has placed your pastor and his wife in your (and your husband’s) path right now.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. Thanks for sharing with all of us!

  13. Anne says:

    (CANADA) Hey Gals thanks a lot for the messages. I called my pastor but he was not in the office. I’ll most likely talk to him on Monday. I had a really tough night, one of the worst since my problems started. For the first time my strength gave out and I fell and I didn’t try to get up. I was so defeated and I didn’t know what to do. I saw what letting go of God can lead to, because I felt so horrible. I felt ashamed and angry at myself for letting go of God and doing what satan had planned, to destroy what God is trying to build. I felt so bad because I gave satan the foothold and allowed myself to fall into his trap.

    I cried the whole night for God to forgive me for letting go of HIM and for losing faith and trust in HIM. I prayed that He would restore my faith and to help me to let go of all that had happened, and for Him to take it all. I felt worthless to be before Him because I felt I had let Him down so much, and I feared that I won’t feel His presence. It was really hard and I realised the fear that I had for my hubby to end the marriage, was satan again trying to make me feel horrible. I really prayed last night.

    I know what it’s truly like to fear the Lord because the fear of the Lord gripped me yesterday. I wrote my husband an email today and just told him how I felt about the whole thing. I swallowed my pride and apologized for dealing with the whole situation the wrong way. He called me and told me that this woman is not in our marriage. I feel differently about it, but God will help me out here. We didn’t argue which was good. We had a good talk. We didn’t finish because he was at work, but we’ll finish when he gets home. Pray that God may reveal to him what he’s doing isn’t working with our marriage and the healing.

    He didn’t apologize for what happened. I was prepared for that though. I think what makes me so angry is that he txt her, asking her about her day (they work together so…). Why can’t he txt me, which he doesn’t? They went for lunch and I’m just wondering how long will I hurt because of their so called "friendship"?

    Just pray for me to let this go, so that God can handle their friendship His way, because I can’t control what my husband does. Pray for us please to find healing. I asked God to let something good come out of this. I feel and know that He will open a door for us. I need you gals a lot. Pray for my husband to find God’s guidance in all this, and for him to get his answers from God. I just want all this to end.

    I did ask God where I haven’t grown spiritually, for Him to guide me through it. My hubby is going away this weekend, which I can’t wait, so I can have that time alone to get closer to God. Pray that God will open the door for communication so that we talk and be there for one another, instead of us dealing with our issues separately, because satan is trying to use that against us. I’m glad though that God forgave me because I can feel it. Thanks a lot for always being there. I honestly don’t know what I would do without all your help and prayers. May God bless you all.

  14. LT says:

    (USA) Hi Anne, I’m not in a position to do thorough research on the scriptures right now though (although I know there are ones that exist) but your husband’s "friendship" IS inappropriate.

    He should NOT be having lunch with her or speaking to her much unless the job requires it.

    See the articles here about "putting a hedge around your heart and marriage" because I think those contain the verses I’m thinking of. Proverbs talks a lot about that.

    I don’t know that you should tell your husband this (yet) but you should be aware of them. Obviously God has seen to it you grow first and more, before your husband will. It happens that way sometimes (and I’ve seen it a lot) where the wife starts seriously following God intensely before the husband does.

    That’s what came to mind reading your latest comment. That, and don’t beat yourself up too much. I can assure you God knows us all intimately and knows when/where/how we’ll fall. I’m glad you are repentant of your sin, but I also think it happened for you to learn from. God forgives you and you are clean. With love, LT

  15. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Anne, I have been praying so hard for you all day and asking people I pray with to pray as well. (Don’t worry didn’t mention everything.) I agree one million and 5 percent with LT. The relationship between your husband and this other woman is inappropriate to say the least. He expects to carry on a friendship with a woman that he had an affair with? That’s not just cutting your wife, that’s twisting the knife.

    Please don’t be offended but because of our very similar situations, I spoke with my husband about you. I asked him what it took for him to completely let go of everything he was doing that was hurting me. He told that it was when He started getting closer to GOD! Your hubby wants to be closer to GOD now. He met with the pastor and according to this email thread he’s been wanting to do that for a long time.

    Anne, You need to call your pastor on his home number. If he doesn’t have it listed then I would call someone who has it. However, I wouldn’t think that his number would be hard to get. You are not bugging him! GOD’s work doesn’t happen from 9-5 and waiting until Monday is a mistake. Monday is a long ways away.

    Girl, I cannot even tell you how I read your comments and cried. Now I check every morning and night to see how you’re doing. I know all to well how you feel. Do not beat yourself down. You already sincerely asked GOD to forgive you for wavering in your faith and trust. Guess what? It’s done. The moment you asked it was done. So let that go or you just leave more room for the devil to play.

    Talk with your pastor about this so called "friendship". He is going to agree that this bond that they have is against GOD and of the devil. If your husband responds with "oh so I can’t have friends now?" do not argue with him but simply remind him that this woman who did these things with him helped him get a little bit closer to hell, and they almost brought you along for the ride. With friends like that he’ll never need enemies.

    You love him and want to spend your life with him and that includes your life in heaven. You would never do anything to hurt him but You can’t save him. Tell him only GOD can save him now, drowning GOD out because he wants to fulfill his own wants will never get him to heaven. He knows that spending time with her is wrong and he knows he’s ignoring GOD, but what he’s forgetting is that by spending time with her he’s actually bonding with the devil. That’s dangerous!

    Pray for him Anne with all your might. Call your pastor at home. I promise you he will not think of you as rude. Your husband and your marriage are in trouble, and you both need help. God finally made your husband go to the pastor for a reason. That was not you who did that. God is telling you about your wrongs so that you can help your husband without a heavy heart. You can’t save your husband only GOD can but HE expects you to help. If HE didn’t then he wouldn’t have put you in your husband’s life to begin with.

    Remember that Helping is NOT doing though. MAKE THE CALL! Pray as soon as you hang up, and allow GOD to work. Leave it at that and Trust HIM to do the rest. Then spend that time with GOD, because it’s hard to spend time with him when you’re not doing what he told you to do. Trust me, I found that one out first hand.

    One last thing, Pray for this other woman as well. Pray that she too is able to see how she is going against GOD. She may be hurting just as much because of her actions. If you can’t do that yet, I can’t say that I blame you, it’s still a very fresh wound. But just keep it in the back of your mind because her soul is going to need some saving too and only GOD can do that too. I’m praying for all involved. My thoughts, heart, and most of all prayers are with you.

    Anne if you need anything ask, I will keep checking on you. I love ya girl. LOVE, LYNNE

  16. Anne says:

    (CANADA) Hey Lynne and LT, thanks a lot for all your help and prayers. I didn’t call the pastor. I actually didn’t think of calling him at home and I have the number. I’ll do that though. I had gone for prayers at our church with my friend, and it was nice. She really prayed for me a lot and told me to ask God to remind me the reasons why I loved my hubby from the beginning.

    I know that we’ll get through this. I handed it all to God. I have been praying for this other woman, and it wasn’t easy the first time, because I choked with anger. Now I ask God to forgive her and to show her that what she’s doing is sinful. She’s so young — 20yrs, just a kid who’s out to have fun, and that angers me so much. I shall tell our pastor about it because he needs to talk to my husband. I do need a lot of prayers because I have an unforgiving heart now, and I need guidance from God on how to deal with this. Pray for my husband because he needs guidance and he needs to end this friendship.

    I’ll continue praying, and gals pray for me. I do feel better but I know satan shall try to destroy me but I’ll stand. I’ll read that article LT. Thanks gals, and God Bless

  17. Cindy Wright says:

    Hi Anne, I want you to be assured that you are being prayed for by many others that you aren’t even aware of … including Steve and me.

    As I’ve been reading through all that you have written, and the exchange that you have had with others, I have to say that Steve and I agree with a lot of the advice that you’ve been given. And the love exchanged in the comments have been a blessing! But there are a few additional things I’d like you to consider.

    There is a time to be quiet and listen for what God is saying to you, and a time to petition the Lord for all that is going on around you. But there is also a time when the Lord gives you a voice to respectfully say what needs to be said AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME and in the appropriate way — to speak “the truth in love.” It may or may not be received as it should be, but your responsibility is to give, and leave the results to God, who is leading the way. Your husband is responsible to the Lord for what he does with what is given to him.

    Prayerfully prepare your heart to speak words (if God so leads) and live out actions that you can share with your husband — ones that could help him (and both of you) through this time in your marriage. And listen to what the Lord tells you, as for your part in all of this. Be humble and truthful — strong in the Lord, but not in pride.

    Your husband is a wonderful man in many ways. I’m sure of that. The Lord has affirmed that to me. But he’s naive and is playing into the hands of the enemy of our faith. He is playing with the fire of temptation and is gambling with your marriage relationship — assuming that the marriage will survive whatever actions he decides to put forth in living his life. That can lead to a true downfall if he’s not more careful than he has been in the past.

    At times we’ve all played with temptation and have fallen. This doesn’t make your husband any worse than you or me or anyone else. It just means that he needs to wise up, quit entertaining the enemy of our faith, and do what is right in how he leads his life. Many other people are affected and infected by our foolish actions.

    I’m reminded of the scriptures that say, “‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24) And also: “Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).

    When you apply these scriptures (and others) to what is happening right now in your marriage, you both need to consider what you are doing as individuals that is “constructive” and what “leads to peace” and to “mutual edification” (both within your home and outside of your home, for the sake of your marriage partnership and ultimately for the Kingdom of God). Throw away from you whatever behavior is destructive and whatever leads to tearing apart your partnership with each other and with the Lord. Grab onto the good.

    Your marriage very well may survive this “phase” of foolishness and selfism. But at what price? And how is that truly good for anyone in the long run? What is the eternal price that is being paid here? It’s a time to wise up and live accordingly.

    A book that strongly came to mind last night, as I was praying for you and others that have reached out to this ministry, is one of my favorites. It’s titled, “Because I Said Forever” by Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp, published by Multnomah. I highly recommend that you get this book. (If you order it through Amazon.com through this web site, Marriage Missions even gets a small commission — but wherever you get it, the point is that it has some great principles in it that I think you could benefit from reading.)

    You can read a description about it in the “For Married Women” section of this web site under “Links and Resource Descriptions.” It’s basically a book for women to inspire and help them through the tough challenges of marriages — ones in which we want to retreat from and give up on, but ones in which the Lord can do a resurrection work if we allow Him to strengthen and help us to persevere and be wise in how we approach things.

    This book specifically, has several chapters written about women, who have faced difficult challenges like yours but have learned how to set down loving but decisive boundaries with their husbands. And God, because He was the one who showed them how and when to do this, has blessed them because of it. I think these chapters, and the whole book, would be good for you to read and pray about, to help you in your marriage.

    There’s another book titled “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan that could help you to see “what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants.” I would highly recommend this book also. It’s also one of my favorites and is appropriate for what you are trying to learn.

    We also have an article in the “Emotionally Distant Spouse” section that you may benefit from reading. It is titled, “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change? Functional Fixedness.” My husband Steve made the comment to me. “Her husband doesn’t change because he has no reason to. He sees no consequences for not changing his behavior. He feels he can have ‘the best of both worlds’ for free, because his wife is making it too easy for him. But he is wrong.” As long your husband feels that you will just roll over and let him do what he wants to do, without having to change, he very well may do so. Why not?

    I’m not saying that you rant and rave and set down foolish boundaries. But read the article and see the tone of what is being said. You are fighting for the preservation and health of your marriage. What would Jesus have you do? What would He do?

    Above all books and articles that I recommend, reading the Bible is the most important. It will show you the principles for living, which will point you to the principles of loving your husband, and living with him, as God has ordained for you to do.

    I pray this helps in some way. My love and prayers are with you, Cindy

  18. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Anne, That is awesome that you had prayer with a fellow believer. Focusing on GOD is the best thing you can do. I will definitely be praying for your ability to have a forgiving heart. Cindy is right you need to have limits with your husband. Pray for guidance before setting them and before implementing them.

    Anne, there is also a great article on this website about bitterness. I know because I am currently going through some issues and hard times with forgiveness as well. I’ve found these articles helpful as well as I’ve been spending a lot of time in the book of Matthew right now. As reflected by my recent recommendations. The unforgiving servant is a very humbling story if you really need that extra kick. Love, ya

    Cindy,
    You are completely right! You and your husband are truly touched by the Spirit and I am blessed that HE brought me to this site. Thank you.

    Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me. Please pray that I to can have a forgiving heart and let go of betrayal and hurt. I have to meet with my in laws again and while the situation has been confronted and hurt let out, tomorrow will be the first time that we’re all together again since all this hurt was brought to light. I feel as if I have forgiven; I guess I’m just more nervous about the awkwardness that’s going to happen. I feel as if I am going to be walking on egg shells tomorrow so pray that I do not trip? Thank you all for your kindness.

    I’ve never been so close to strangers. Love, Lynne

  19. LYNNE says:

    (USA) How do you react when your husband refuses to talk to you? Mine is being so immature right now. He recently broke some promises and took advantage of my family’s kindness. I tried to talk to him about it and he turned his back towards me and said that he didn’t want to hear me or see me any more. He told me to get out of his sight and jump off a bridge. Needless to say I started breaking dishes. All of a sudden He could see me again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I went to church today and then to his family’s house without him. Then he showed up there later and acted as if nothing was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it again today and it was impossible.

    I gave him an Ultimatum last Dec. and he chose us (our family). Now he says that it doesn’t matter that he broke his promises because he never wanted to make them in the first place, and I made him. He doesn’t care about how much he hurts me. He started immediately attacking me saying I can’t keep our house clean and I don’t cook anymore. I work 40-60 hours a week and I do get behind because I have a 6 month old and my husband doesn’t help me unless we’ve gotten into a fight. Then after which he constantly critiques me, and acts like he’s King Kong or something. I can’t take this anymore. He is completely cutting off communication again. He said that he doesn’t care if I do leave.

    I don’t understand what to do. I am having a really hard time praying for him right now. Every thing’s been going so great it seemed, but that was only because he learned to lie a little bit better. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stand that fact that he doesn’t respect me, I can’t stand the fact that he talks to me like a dog. I can’t stand the fact that he pretends to be where we need to be but is out doing the same old things behind my back. He is living his life and playing family on the side.

    What do you do when you set limits and he just steps all over them, and breaks them to pieces? Love, LYNNE

  20. LT says:

    (USA) Hi Lynne, I’m sorry to hear things are going so badly. I said a brief prayer before writing this. I want to try and briefly write down my thoughts.

    The first thing that came to mind was that everything your husband said/did is all stuff I’ve heard and still hear, over and over and over again. The most important thing is to recognize when a conversation is going nowhere (and you know when it is b/c you described it above) and try to leave as calmly, politely and tactfully as possible. Then – GO PRAY!

    Is it easy to dismiss yourself when you’ve been hurt and/or emotions are running high? No way! BUT – it’s where you have to get. I still struggle with it myself but through a lot of trial, error and perseverance, I have become more objective in times like that than I ever thought I’d be and I can assure you it is God in me, not my flesh. My flesh wants to do what you did – break dishes. (That’s not the right approach or reaction, obviously).

    As for what he says – you don’t clean enough, blah blah blah. Leave the insults in the room as you leave the room itself. Don’t even let that in. That’s Satan using your husband to get to you. In the bigger picture – this is your fight against Satan. A friend told me once, let someone else’s garbage be their garbage. That’s just trash talk coming out of his mouth because he’s defensive and since you "wounded" him, he’s going to do the same to you. It’s tit for tat. It’s reviling evil for evil and railing for railing, which the Bible forbids. Don’t let it sink in.

    The best thing I’ve found in situations like that, for me, is to leave and go pray. I used to sob and pray for an hour, sometimes longer. But over the months, when I find myself that upset and I go pray now. It’s literally no more than 10 minutes and God touches my heart and I’m right as rain. It’s an acquired skill that can only be ascertained by much practice but you can get there.

    I would say, keep trying to have the conversations but ONLY when you know the emotional mood is okay for that. ALWAYS dismiss yourself when the trash talking starts. Over time, you’ll find the conversations getting longer and longer and the trash talking less and less. You’ll find yourself making more headway but it takes a lot of practice. That’s what’s happened with me.

    Don’t let your boundaries down either. You know the limits you set – keep sticking to them even if your husband doesn’t respect them. As long as they are Godly limits and are done out of a love for God and your family (the best thing for the family) they are acceptable boundaries.

    Did you read the article on this website about boundaries? If not, post back and I can give you the link.

    There’s also a small article based on the book Sacred Influence. It’s got good info. The book, however…..well, I bought it and was greatly disappointed by the sharp tone of the author and I DO NOT recommend it for anyone who is in an abusive situation. It only devotes a few small pages, all the way in the middle of the book, to abuse but a lot of the language in the book points the finger at it being women’s faults that they have problems to begin with. I found the book highly disappointing but the brief article here on the website, was VERY helpful to me (strangely enough). I don’t want to talk too much more about the book – that’s reserved for the article page where I might leave a comment if I feel led to but I do recommend that article here.

    Let me know if you need either of those links.

    Also – I think if you know that your in-laws are not treating you well, I honestly don’t see anything wrong with limiting your time with them. The Bible does tell us not to keep company with sinners. If they can’t love you properly or don’t know how (whether they are aware of it or not), there’s no reason to keep company with them. It’s going to bring you down and God tells us to focus on the positive things.

    Well, hope this helps. Write back if you feel you need to talk more or want to update us further! With love, LT

  21. Sue says:

    (SA) Hi Anne, I know exactly how you feel, cos I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But let me tell you this, I agree with the others, YOU have to let go and let GOD! My husband did the same thing, not with one women, but with many. Sometimes he confessed it, other times I found out. Yes, I know how it feels when he can text her, phone her, spend time with her, and not with you. You feel like you are getting the bread crumbs of the marriage!

    I know, but let me tell you something, YOU need to draw closer to the Lord. Stop concentrating on your situation, and turn your focus onto the Lord. Read your Bible, sing praises to Him – anything just keep your mind on HIM! You will see the changes coming from within YOU and your husband will be amazed and baffled. Then, start forgiving him and her, pray for them. Daily – keeping your focus on God enables the Lord to work within YOU, God loves you, so much and wants you to allow HIM to work in your soul, spirit, body and mind. LET HIM!

    I have found that even at work, when it’s not always possible to read my Bible, that I just keep talking to GOD in my mind even, that is where my focus is! Then, I don’t always "see" the horrible "little" things that hubby does, cos GOD lets me see the "important" things. When you speak to your hubby – pray before you say anything – no matter how important or of the daily routine it is – pray ! Ask God to put a guard before your mouth, before you say something, and if it is Gods will that you say it, that God will give you the courage to say it, in a way that is acceptable to HIM, and that your hubby will hear it the way God intended it to be.

    I am a very shy and loyal person, but my hubby is out going and talkative – total opposites – but God joined us together for a reason! He wants to do something with our lives – not sure what yet, but I know that He does. The same goes for you, God wants to use you both.

    Hang in there as hard as it is, keep praying! Don’t phone this girl, don’t judge her, don’t wish bad things upon her, don’t ask your hubby about her. Ask God to end their "friendship" if it is a threat to your marriage, and I promise you HE will do it, if you pray with an open heart and mind. Forgiveness, is not easy. Tell God how hard it is to forgive both of them.

    Hang in there and we are all praying for you.

  22. LYNNE says:

    (USA) LT thank you so much. You’re right I didn’t handle the situation very well and I know that. I’ll have to make that my practice. I guess I should have been more clear with what was going on. My husband broke promises to me but it was not regarding another woman. It was involving some old habits that carry serious consequences and health risks. However I did find a lot of what you said very helpful Sue, thank you.

    My husbands problems are not involving another woman but they involve everything else being more important than me. This morning we got into it again. He didn’t come home at all last night and stayed on his brother’s couch. So this morning after being up with our sick 6 month old a lot last night, I had a short fuse. I did however manage to speak to him with out breaking anything. I just let him know that I wasn’t going to take this anymore.

    I know that GOD hates divorce. So do I but I don’t understand why my husband keeps pushing me. He’s been treating me like crap, and creating some very harmful situations for our family. I have a 6 month old to think about, and I cannot stay in a dangerous situation. Please pray that he and I can talk with out yelling and that GOD changes his heart and mind about what’s important. LYNNE

  23. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Well tonight we are going to talk. He just called me at work and apologized for some of his actions and asked if we could talk. Please Pray for me and my husband that we can talk without having our emotions take over. I am still very upset and my emotions are running high. Pray I can calm down before we meet tonight. I am mad but do not want a divorce. I want to work on our marriage, and on being able to count on him. The lies and deceit needs to stop, and GOD help me if I did find out there was another woman. (I don’t believe there is, I think that was the devil trying to work me up sorry)

    I guess I still don’t trust him, and his actions aren’t making it any easier right now. Please pray for me and for my ability to make a new habit and follow LT’s advice. Thank you all so very much. Love, LYNNE

    PS. Anne how are you doing?

  24. LYNNE says:

    (USA) LT, Hey I was just looking for that article on my break can you send me the link? Thank You. Love, Lynne

  25. LT says:

    (USA) Thanks for the updates Lynne! Sorry to hear you were up with the baby during the night – that’s always very hard.

    I think it’s a great sign your husband called and apologized. My assumption is that the more the two of you work at it (or at least you work at your side even if he doesn’t), then that type of situation – one of apology and humility from both parties – will start to replace the emotions and anger.

    It’s a huge work but one that is worth it once you get there. It’s great you don’t want a divorce – that’s a step in the right direction. It means you’ll approach situations with a desire to overcome and not give up and that’s HUGE!

    I, too, agree with Sue. Focusing on God not only fills you up with Holy joy and fulfillment, but does take your mind off the bad situations when they seem like they are swallowing you up. It’s a great way to stay focused on the right things and not dwell on the bad things.

    I’ll pray for your meeting tonight. :)

  26. Anne says:

    (CANADA) Hey all, it’s been a few days since I wrote.Thanks all for your messages. Cindy thanks a lot for the advice. I’ll get those books. Sue, thanks too, it was very nice advice and I know what you totally mean. I’ve had bad days since Thursday. When my husband left on Friday I felt relieved that I had the whole weekend to myself. He ended up coming back with his cousin on Saturday morning (he didn’t tell me, his mum told me he had slept at the sisters place, coz they were together).

    All of a sudden I just felt terrible and I couldn’t put a finger on it. Later when I saw him and said hi, I felt so sad. The whole day I was so sad and wondered how did we end up like this. I was sad because I realised I wasn’t happy to see him and I wished he was still away.

    That night after work we were gonna take his cousin around the area (it was his first time visiting). He did asked me “what’s wrong” and I told him what I was feeling. At home after I got ready, I just laid on the bed. I was in such a low mood and once again he asked “whats up”? I gave him the same answer and then he told me he knew there was more. I just started crying coz I felt spent and I told him the sadness was wearing me down. I was also bitter and resentful about his "friendship" but I didn’t bring that up.

    I had to gather up my "happy" face to be around people and be pleasant. I felt tired of pretending that we’re ok and all I wanted was to crawl in bed and cry.On Sunday the sermon was about faith and people complaining about their problems. It got me thinking a lot and I just felt teary. At the end of the service the pastor asked if anyone needed to be prayed for and I found myself going down the stairs (I’ve never gone before). I went straight to our pastor, the one we go see, and he asked me how I’m doing. I just cried and said, “I can’t do this anymore. My hubby is still friends with this woman and I feel defeated.” He prayed for my husband and for me, that my faith be restored. I felt better by the time we left church.

    That night we had an argument about the other woman again. I just had all these questions… and after I cried and I felt spent and tired. My husband shut down and just stopped talking. He left me crying and I thought, “how has he become so "cold- hearted"”? I left the room and when I was in the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror and I just asked myself, “Am I strong enough to go on?” Then immediately I just said, “sorry God” coz I thought, wow, here He is helping me and I just mess it up.

    All of a sudden I thought, wow, God must be really sad! Then I told myself, if HE is sad, satan must be clapping his hands with joy, and immediately my defenses went down and i literally felt myself let EVERYTHING GO. I said, “satan will not win.” I saw the whole picture in my head…on Wednesday my hubby and I had had a great session with the pastor and his wife. I saw that God had opened doors and satan had to come and destroyed, and i was falling for it. I said, “no more.” I dropped my pride and went to the guest room and told my hubby that I just wanted to say what I felt and what his friendship was doing to me. He asked if I thought about how he’s feeling. I just told him,I can’t speak for him he has to open up.

    He said he is sad and depressed and hurting. He did say we would talk today, but we didn’t coz things came up. But I had prayed to God and asked Him if this is the day for HIM to open the door, and for sure, I know this whole week, our schedules are not great. But it’s ok. God will open the door to that day.

    To me, that was a huge step from my hubby. I told him that we are both hurting, and it’s sad we are not there for one another. I told him that we both have a lot of habits to break and that God will see us through. I also told him that I’m praying for him. For the first time in months, I kissed him on the cheek and told him we’ll be fine. He said “ok”, and he thanked me for praying for him.

    I felt good when I left the room and I prayed for God to renew my faith, and to open doors for us. I told Him that I won’t worry about my hubby’s friendship with the other woman. That’s HIS fight, not mine. I’ve had a peaceful day for once and I feel hopeful. I truly know that we’ll be ok. Pray for me to continue having faith and to learn when to say things and when not to. My hubby doesn’t see anything wrong with his friendship and I realise that it’s not in my place to open his eyes but God’s. Pray for my husband too, to go to God with his burdens, coz only God can give him the answers he is seeking. Thanks ladies for your support and prayers.

    LYNNE, thanks a lot for the advice and I’m sorry about what’s going on. I hope the talk went well and I’m glad your husband is the one who called. One thing I’d like to tell you is that your husband is just listening to the lies of satan. Things were ok for a while for you but satan came and destroyed that. You have to see this and pray to God to give you the strength and wisdom on how to deal with these things. That’s what I’m doing for myself too, coz I noticed that anytime my hubby and I have a good day, satan comes in to destroy. I say NO MORE!

    I know it’s easy to just yell and vent but don’t you just feel spent… satan wants to destroy your marriage and you have to stop him with PRAYER AND FAITH. God has a great plan for you and your husband. Just believe that. PRAY and PRAY some more. The freedom of letting go is such a reward. I know it won’t be easy but have faith hang in there. Read COLOSSIANS 3, the whole chapter. It tells us how God wants us to live with one another. Let me know how the talk went.

    I know it’s not gonna be easy for my hubby and I, but I have faith that God has a great plan for us. I feel as if God was waiting for me to let go, and HE was telling me that, but i just wasn’t listening. Pray for me that I learn how to let go of any other trial that will come. Thanks a lot for everything. I love you all.

  27. ANNE says:

    (CANADA) Hey Lynne, I thought I may add some thing and hope it helps. One thing you need to keep in mind is that when God created you, HE already knew who your husband would be and HE doesn’t make mistakes. This is a trial and GOD wants to bring you closer to HIM. I once read that God needs only one heart to save a marriage. HE chose yours Thank HIM for that everyday. He has so much faith in you and HE will give you so much strength to endure this and wisdom on how to pray for your husband. It’s gonna be ok Lynne, just LET IT GO. Love you big. Read JEREMIAH 29 11-14.

  28. LYNNE says:

    (USA) LT, Thank you so much for all your good advice and prayers. Your advice really helped to keep the situation from getting worse. I would really like to read those articles you suggested as well if you could please send me those links?

    Last night did not go well at all. I was able, however, to follow your advice and just leave the situation. I was unable to leave the insults in the room though. They cut me pretty deep. So I prayed and cried about them until I finally just fell asleep. My husband was really hurtful last night and said that he didn’t care what kind of boundaries or limits we have, he is going to do what he wants regardless. He’s not willing to sacrifice for me at all and he admits that. I am not important enough to him. So I don’t know what to do. I pray that GOD will change his mind and heart. But knowing that he doesn’t love me enough, hurts worse than I can even explain. I am supposed to come second to only GOD but I come second to absolutely everything: video games, friends, recreational activities, work, TV, etc. It scares me that GOD is not coming first for him anymore either.

    Last night I was very brief in my prayers for him. It took everything that I was, just to even pray for him at all. I really need some prayers ladies. All I can think about is separation. I don’t even want to be with him anymore. He’s turned into this greedy, bitter, stubborn man. It doesn’t help that all of his friends are telling him that he is right and that I am a bad wife. They say that I should let him do whatever he wants and they have a completely twisted view of what submission means (even the women in their click). They have him completely convinced that he is not doing anything wrong, and he listens. What they do is not only wrong it’s illegal, and I am not going to stand for it. Please pray for me, and for my husband, and for his idiotic friends.

    He and I aren’t speaking right now. The last thing he said to me besides bye this morning, was that he needs to go out and find a wife that will participate in partying with him, and she’ll stay thin, dress sexy, keep his house clean, and listen, to do everything he says.

    That is when I left the room. He’s comparing me to his friend’s wife who stays at home all day with the kids, and parties at night while the kids are sleeping. I am not going to make judgments against her. All I am going to say is, that is not the kind of life I want for my family. I refuse to live that way. He’s said that he’s not sure if I am worth it for him to quit living that kind of life. I said that if he’s not sure I’m worth it to him, then he’s really saying is that I am not. I gave him and ultimatum and he didn’t choose me. I just don’t mean enough to him.

    Please pray for us. I don’t want a divorce, I hate the word. But I am afraid that we are going to separate and divorce could possibly follow if his heart and mind doesn’t change. Please pray for us? Love ya, LYNNE

  29. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Anne, I just read your comments that is awesome advice. Thank you so much for that. I am going to do my very best to take it. I can’t even explain how badly last night went. I wish I would have read your comments this morning. Today I am contacting a Christian counseling agency in out area and I am going to set an appointment for my husband and I.

    I feel as if there is going to be a separation but I don’t want it to be a separation from GOD for either of us. I fear that if we are not together then the devil will have too long to play with out getting some help. I also fear that if we stay in the same house we’ll tear down whatever progress we make in counseling right now.

    I know that there are some issues that both of us need to resolve that need GOD and someone who has a specialty with these issues. So I am going to make that appointment and if he goes then that’s great if not… Well I’m going to leave that to GOD.

    Anne, reading what you’ve just written has given me some hope back when I say I wish I’d have read it this morning. I mean that if I had read your comments this morning I wouldn’t have felt as crappy as I have. Thank you so much for that. I continuously Keep you and your husband in my prayers. I mean it when I say that I’ve never connected with some friends as much as I have with all of you ladies. Thank you so much.

    Where I fall short you ladies give me hope, and where I seem strong I read that someone else my not be and I feel so awesome to help. I really do feel used by GOD when that occurs, and right now I feel as if GOD is using you ladies to help me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Love, LYNNE

    PS Please Pray that I am able to let go as well?

  30. MB says:

    (USA) Ladies, just wanted to say I am praying for each of you. I believe God can and will heal your marriages as He will mine. Let’s all continue to pray for each other as well as our husbands -and especially for the children. No person or situation is too hard for God. Read Ephesians 3:20 He can do it all!! God bless all of you -MB

  31. LYNNE says:

    (USA)  GOD is GOOD! I called a Christian counseling agency here and they had a cancelation for tonight, even better my husband agreed to go!! You can’t tell me that is not GOD @ work! He can do this and I will just TRUST HIM!

  32. ANNE says:

    (CANADA) Hey Lynne I’m so sorry that the talk didn’t go well. I’m glad though you’re both going to see a counselor. I’ve prayed for you and your husband and that God may give the counselor wisdom and words that will help you. Oh girl, I feel your pain. I’ve gone through the same thing in February. My husband used to tell me that he didn’t love me the same way, and that I was too controlling and he wanted the marriage to end. He never used to come home most weekends and i never knew where he used to go. What was hard was that I never knew whether he used to go the other woman’s place and he never used to pick up my calls. He found new "friends" that I didn’t know, and he shut everyone out including me. And he never used to speak to me at all. That was HARD.

    All I did was pray coz seriously, I thought he had just gone crazy coz he wasn’t the man I married. I also did get to the point of wanting to leave him and I started looking for places. That night though, I cried to God so hard and asked Him if this was what I needed to do. He spoke to me through a song and told me not to give up.

    The next morning my husband wrote me an email and told me that he realised he’s better of with me and nobody else. He went to the places we went for our first date and he couldn’t end the marriage. He wrote that he loved me and that was the last time I heard those words.That was beginning of March. It has been hard. It will not be easy Lynne. Honestly, there’ll be a time you’ll look back and wonder how you got through. Just pray and have faith that God already has answers and will restore your marriage back. Now HE really needs you to go closer to HIM so that HE may change you and help you grow. Pray for wisdom and patience you need it.

    When I look back, I always see what God has done for me. I’ve fallen many times but He always gets me up. The pain will go away day by day. Leave it all to HIM. This is not your battle but the Lords. Even now my husband is still not himself. He’s arrogant, cold, withdrawn, and he just seems to want to do things without me, or he just seems to want to live life without being accountable to anyone especially me. All this things are the lies satan is telling him. He’s one man I know who has a great heart and I always tell myself that and I just pray for God to break that bondage he’s in.

    Now things seem hopeless and it’s easy to give up, but don’t. Separation may or may not work. I did get lots of advice to leave my husband and that he’ll come to his senses when he sees that he can lose me, but God said otherwise. Pray about it and ask God to guide you.

    Have you read the part about the wife and the prayer for the wife in POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE? Use that prayer to pray for yourself. It was really helpful and it helped me see my mistakes. As much as you’re hurting so is your husband (I know you don’t want to hear that. I never wanted to think about it either). It’s easy to forget that, and just think about ourselves.

    Men just never show their emotions so they put up this front and hide behind it. Even at the counselor’s office, if he doesn’t seem to know how to express himself, don’t lose hope. I went through the same thing. The first time we went to see the pastor with my husband, the pastor had to pull things out from him and now he seems to find it easier to open up.

    I hope your husband opens up though. I’ll pray for you. God will open the door for you Lynne. Just listen to HIM when He speaks to you. God is just a prayer away and He does listen. He just answers our prayers HIS WAY, not our way coz HE knows what’s best for you and your marriage. Nothing is impossible for God. Your situation will turn around. I’ve learned… actually I started yesterday to thank Him for things that I took for granted, like my husband comes home everyday and doesn’t sleep out. I’m just thanking Him for the miracle that will befall our marriage. Lynne, hold on to God. He will make a way that no man shall close. Have faith girl. I’ll continually pray for you and your husband. Remember you are the anchor in that marriage. You are holding it together with prayer.

    Pray for me too, that when the day God has chosen for us to talk with my husband, HIS presence will be with us, and my husband will be able to open up. Thank you all. Love ya all, and God Bless

  33. LYNNE says:

    (USA) Well… We saw the counselor and that was good for me, bad for us. But I kind of had this peaceful feeling come over me just before I realized the truth. My husband admitted to the counselor in this session that he doesn’t want to change, and he doesn’t want to be married either. He also admitted that he felt pressured to marry me because we were living together before we were married. He begged me to move in with him. I told him five times before I relented because I knew it was a bad idea.

    He begged me to marry him. I thought we hadn’t known each other long enough (and I knew it was too soon). I said no at first. Then he convinced me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. So I married him. I asked him to leave at the counseling session, and the counselor said that she’d see me again, but not as marriage counseling. He doesn’t want to change so she can’t help him. She’s not going to waste our money or her time. Bill was very easy going the whole time with the conversation. He put up no fight about separating (I didn’t expect that).

    I figured out why later on tonight. I went down and talked with him about wearing our rings still. He said that he probably was going to be wearing his. I already knew before he told me. There is another woman. This girl he had a crush on all throughout his teen years and dated, is currently getting a divorce. He’s leaving me to chase her. He hasn’t seen her yet but he’s leaving me to chase her.

    He’s not willing to make an effort for our marriage because he wants a chance with her. But he doesn’t want to get a divorce in case things between him and her don’t work out. In that case he’ll try the marriage.

    I agreed to the separation but I am done with this marriage. I didn’t want a divorce but I know that a marriage based on last resort with no love, and no commitment to him, is just as bad as a divorce. He never created marriage to be like that. Living in a marriage like that is a joke. You’re keeping to the law, when your spouse has more than broken the law. I just don’t know if I can live with second choice.

    I think that we are going to end up in divorce and I handed him my rings for the time being. In my heart I feel like it’s over but strangely enough GOD is giving me peace with that. I am going to continue seeing the Christian counselor, and I’ll continue praying for him but I cannot lie and say that my heart is in this, because it’s not.

    Pray for me, I know I need it. Love, Lynne

  34. LT says:

    (USA) Hi Lynne, I think you said your husband is a "christian?" Well, sorry but that does not sound to be the case.

    My observation is that there are a lot of so-called "Christians" out there but they are extremely spiritually weak and strong in satisfying their flesh. I know because I used to be one. With the state of my abusive marriage, my shame at sharing with anyone what was really going on because it’s so embarrassing, and my husband’s insistence that nothing was really wrong and/or that I was "making" him hit me with my words, I can assure you my flesh screamed out.

    I turned to alcohol, which started by me going to happy hours after work. Then, after a while, with my heart just wanting to be loved, I, too, turned to an affair. It started as a "friendship" and then turned to more. Finally, knowing I was caught in sin and then after another argument where my husband got physical, I left. I’d tried to tell him I was leaving weeks before but that ended up in him shoving me against a wall and holding my in a stranglehold by my neck. Part of me hoped he would strangle me so I’d be out of my misery.

    At any rate – I spiraled into deep depression during that time of my life. I eventually came back to my husband because I literally felt the pull of God making me go back even though I only partly wanted to. The one thing I can say is that, thankfully, my husband and I had always made pretty good money so materialistically I couldn’t complain. I did have a really comfortable life and house to go back to but it was almost a decade later before the abuse was finally addressed and the physical side stopped. Our child is what made me really force the issue. I wasn’t going to have him growing up with what I’d been allowing to happen to myself for so long.

    At any rate, all that aside, either your husband is a fleshly Christian (which is mediocrity at its best) or he’s extremely back-slidden.

    Here’s the verse I want to suggest you read: I Corinthians 7.

    It talks about divorce and the grounds for it. The fact is Lynne (and I’m NOT saying this to advocate divorce or sway your mind to a decision one way or the other) is that if the marriage bonds are broken by infidelity, God sees that as a forgivable reason for divorce.

    I agree with Anne – let God guide your heart. But you should read that chapter. If your marriage does end in divorce, then you would find comfort in reading that. At this point, I don’t even think I’d call your husband a believer anymore – he certainly doesn’t sound like he’s acting as one.

    God is the only one who can really answer all these things and give you the answers you need for your personal situation.

    You are in our prayers!!

  35. Cindy Wright says:

    Dear Lynne, I can assure you that there are a lot of people praying for you. I think everyone who was writing before is in a state of shock and mourning, and wants to pray about what they would say to you at this point. I’ve been and am still doing the same.

    I want to say that I am so very, very sorry for this horrible turn of events in your marriage. My heart grieves for you, and for your husband — for the losses that you are both, and will both experience if things continue down the road they now are traveling. I can’t tell you how much my heart is crying for both of you.

    But I’m also crying for the Lord, because I know that this hurts His heart deeply also. I want to pray about what to say beyond this, because this is too important of a time in your life for me to say something to you off the top of my head. I want to take the time to pray, making sure that my humanness doesn’t get in the way of anything that I would say, so that it would be in line with what the Lord would have me say to you.

    Lynne, I want to ask you a few questions, if you would allow me to do that. I’d like to ask you if your husband is a follower of Jesus Christ. Does he have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ? And what about you? I know you pray, and that is wonderful. But beyond that, do you know our Heavenly Father in a deep and personal way — Have you ever accepted the gift of life that God offers us by accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior? And have you made Him your Lord?

    If that puzzles you and you wonder, we have a link in the upper right hand corner of each page that says, “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope?” If you (or anyone else reading this comment) is wondering about this, please click into it and follow the prompts that are provided.

    The reason I am asking you these questions is because your answers will affect what I would say to you after I spend more time in prayer. I know you are going through a very uncertain time right now. I’m sorry to ask more of you when right now you must have so many other questions on your mind. But I hope you will let me know when you can. I truly care. And I know that there are many others who care very deeply for you also.

    Please know that you are loved, and are being prayed for. You are a blessing to all of us who have started to get to know you through what you have written.

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