The Power Of A Praying Wife

I Don’t Even Like Him—How Can I Pray for Him?

Dollar Photo Woman praying with hands togetherHave you ever been so mad at your husband that the last thing you wanted to do was pray for him? So have I. It’s hard to pray for someone when you’re angry or he’s hurt you. But that’s exactly what God wants us to do. If He asks us to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for the person with whom we have become one and are supposed to love? But how do we get past the unforgiveness and critical attitude?

The first thing to do is be completely honest with God. In order to break down the walls in our hearts and smash the barriers that stop communication, we have to be totally up front with the Lord about our feelings. We don’t have to “pretty it up” for Him. He already knows the truth. He just wants to see if we’re willing to admit it and confess it as disobedience to His ways. If so, He then has a heart with which He can work.

If you’re angry at your husband, tell God. Don’t let it become a cancer that grows with each passing day. Don’t say, “I’m going to live my life and let him live his.” There’s a price to pay when we act entirely independently of one another. “Neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 11:11).

Instead say:

“Lord, nothing in me wants to pray for this man. I confess my anger, hurt, unforgiveness, disappointment, resentment, and hardness of heart toward him. Forgive me and create in me a clean heart and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him. Where he has erred, reveal it to him and convict his heart about it. Lead him through the paths of repentance and deliverance. Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgiveness. Where either of us needs to ask forgiveness of the other, help us to do so.

If there is something I’m not seeing that’s adding to this problem, reveal it to me and help me to understand it. Remove any wedge of confusion that has created misunderstanding or miscommunication. Where there is behavior that needs to change in either of us, I pray You would enable that change to happen. As much as I want to hang on to my anger toward him because I feel it’s justified, I want to do what You want. I release all those feelings to You. Give me a renewed sense of love for him and words to heal this situation.”

If you feel you’re able, try this little experiment and see what happens. Pray for your husband every day for a month using each one of the 30 areas of prayer I’ve included in this book. Pray a chapter a day. Ask God to pour out His blessings on him and fill you both with His love. See if your heart doesn’t soften toward him. Notice if his attitude toward you doesn’t change as well. Observe whether your relationship isn’t running more smoothly.

If you have trouble making that kind of prayer commitment, think of it from the Lord’s perspective. Seeing your husband through God’s eyes—not just as your husband, but as God’s child, a son whom the Lord loves —can be a great revelation. If someone called and asked you to pray for his or her son, you would do it, wouldn’t you? Well, God is asking.

There is a time for everything, it says in the Bible and it’s never more true than in marriage, especially when it comes to the words we say. There is a time to speak and a time not to speak, and happy is the man whose wife can discern between the two.

Anyone who has been married for any length of time realizes that there are things that are better left unsaid. A wife has the ability to hurt her husband more deeply than anyone else can, and he can do the same to her. No matter how much apology, the words can not be erased. They can only be forgiven and that’s not always easy. Sometimes anything we say will only hinder the flow of what God wants to do, so it’s best to, well, shut up and pray.

This is an excerpt from, The Power of a Praying® Wife, written by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House. This is one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books! As Stormie said it so well: “I can think of no better way to truly love your husband than by lifting him up in prayer on a consistent basis. It is a priceless gift that helps him experience God’s blessings and grace.” With real-life illustrations, Stormie includes sample prayers and “power tools” —verses that inspire and encourage —to help wives rest assured in God’s promises of restoration, renewal, and growth in marriage.


The following is are two links to articles to read, which may inspire you to pray for your husband in a different ways than you might have otherwise thought:

10 Things Praying for Your Husband Does for You (the Wife)

31 Days of Praying for Your Husband


Filed under: For Married Women Spiritual Matters

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600 responses to “The Power Of A Praying Wife

  1. (CANADA) Hey Lynne and LT, thanks a lot for all your help and prayers. I didn’t call the pastor. I actually didn’t think of calling him at home and I have the number. I’ll do that though. I had gone for prayers at our church with my friend, and it was nice. She really prayed for me a lot and told me to ask God to remind me the reasons why I loved my hubby from the beginning.

    I know that we’ll get through this. I handed it all to God. I have been praying for this other woman, and it wasn’t easy the first time, because I choked with anger. Now I ask God to forgive her and to show her that what she’s doing is sinful. She’s so young — 20yrs, just a kid who’s out to have fun, and that angers me so much. I shall tell our pastor about it because he needs to talk to my husband. I do need a lot of prayers because I have an unforgiving heart now, and I need guidance from God on how to deal with this. Pray for my husband because he needs guidance and he needs to end this friendship.

    I’ll continue praying, and gals pray for me. I do feel better but I know satan shall try to destroy me but I’ll stand. I’ll read that article LT. Thanks gals, and God Bless

  2. Hi Anne, I want you to be assured that you are being prayed for by many others that you aren’t even aware of … including Steve and me.

    As I’ve been reading through all that you have written, and the exchange that you have had with others, I have to say that Steve and I agree with a lot of the advice that you’ve been given. And the love exchanged in the comments have been a blessing! But there are a few additional things I’d like you to consider.

    There is a time to be quiet and listen for what God is saying to you, and a time to petition the Lord for all that is going on around you. But there is also a time when the Lord gives you a voice to respectfully say what needs to be said AT THE APPROPRIATE TIME and in the appropriate way — to speak “the truth in love.” It may or may not be received as it should be, but your responsibility is to give, and leave the results to God, who is leading the way. Your husband is responsible to the Lord for what he does with what is given to him.

    Prayerfully prepare your heart to speak words (if God so leads) and live out actions that you can share with your husband — ones that could help him (and both of you) through this time in your marriage. And listen to what the Lord tells you, as for your part in all of this. Be humble and truthful — strong in the Lord, but not in pride.

    Your husband is a wonderful man in many ways. I’m sure of that. The Lord has affirmed that to me. But he’s naive and is playing into the hands of the enemy of our faith. He is playing with the fire of temptation and is gambling with your marriage relationship — assuming that the marriage will survive whatever actions he decides to put forth in living his life. That can lead to a true downfall if he’s not more careful than he has been in the past.

    At times we’ve all played with temptation and have fallen. This doesn’t make your husband any worse than you or me or anyone else. It just means that he needs to wise up, quit entertaining the enemy of our faith, and do what is right in how he leads his life. Many other people are affected and infected by our foolish actions.

    I’m reminded of the scriptures that say, “‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible’ — but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24) And also: “Let us make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification” (Romans 14:19).

    When you apply these scriptures (and others) to what is happening right now in your marriage, you both need to consider what you are doing as individuals that is “constructive” and what “leads to peace” and to “mutual edification” (both within your home and outside of your home, for the sake of your marriage partnership and ultimately for the Kingdom of God). Throw away from you whatever behavior is destructive and whatever leads to tearing apart your partnership with each other and with the Lord. Grab onto the good.

    Your marriage very well may survive this “phase” of foolishness and selfism. But at what price? And how is that truly good for anyone in the long run? What is the eternal price that is being paid here? It’s a time to wise up and live accordingly.

    A book that strongly came to mind last night, as I was praying for you and others that have reached out to this ministry, is one of my favorites. It’s titled, “Because I Said Forever” by Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp, published by Multnomah. I highly recommend that you get this book. (If you order it through through this web site, Marriage Missions even gets a small commission — but wherever you get it, the point is that it has some great principles in it that I think you could benefit from reading.)

    You can read a description about it in the “For Married Women” section of this web site under “Links and Resource Descriptions.” It’s basically a book for women to inspire and help them through the tough challenges of marriages — ones in which we want to retreat from and give up on, but ones in which the Lord can do a resurrection work if we allow Him to strengthen and help us to persevere and be wise in how we approach things.

    This book specifically, has several chapters written about women, who have faced difficult challenges like yours but have learned how to set down loving but decisive boundaries with their husbands. And God, because He was the one who showed them how and when to do this, has blessed them because of it. I think these chapters, and the whole book, would be good for you to read and pray about, to help you in your marriage.

    There’s another book titled “Sacred Influence” by Gary Thomas, published by Zondervan that could help you to see “what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants.” I would highly recommend this book also. It’s also one of my favorites and is appropriate for what you are trying to learn.

    We also have an article in the “Emotionally Distant Spouse” section that you may benefit from reading. It is titled, “Why Doesn’t My Spouse Change? Functional Fixedness.” My husband Steve made the comment to me. “Her husband doesn’t change because he has no reason to. He sees no consequences for not changing his behavior. He feels he can have ‘the best of both worlds’ for free, because his wife is making it too easy for him. But he is wrong.” As long your husband feels that you will just roll over and let him do what he wants to do, without having to change, he very well may do so. Why not?

    I’m not saying that you rant and rave and set down foolish boundaries. But read the article and see the tone of what is being said. You are fighting for the preservation and health of your marriage. What would Jesus have you do? What would He do?

    Above all books and articles that I recommend, reading the Bible is the most important. It will show you the principles for living, which will point you to the principles of loving your husband, and living with him, as God has ordained for you to do.

    I pray this helps in some way. My love and prayers are with you, Cindy

  3. (USA) Anne, That is awesome that you had prayer with a fellow believer. Focusing on GOD is the best thing you can do. I will definitely be praying for your ability to have a forgiving heart. Cindy is right you need to have limits with your husband. Pray for guidance before setting them and before implementing them.

    Anne, there is also a great article on this website about bitterness. I know because I am currently going through some issues and hard times with forgiveness as well. I’ve found these articles helpful as well as I’ve been spending a lot of time in the book of Matthew right now. As reflected by my recent recommendations. The unforgiving servant is a very humbling story if you really need that extra kick. Love, ya

    You are completely right! You and your husband are truly touched by the Spirit and I am blessed that HE brought me to this site. Thank you.

    Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for me. Please pray that I to can have a forgiving heart and let go of betrayal and hurt. I have to meet with my in laws again and while the situation has been confronted and hurt let out, tomorrow will be the first time that we’re all together again since all this hurt was brought to light. I feel as if I have forgiven; I guess I’m just more nervous about the awkwardness that’s going to happen. I feel as if I am going to be walking on egg shells tomorrow so pray that I do not trip? Thank you all for your kindness.

    I’ve never been so close to strangers. Love, Lynne

  4. (USA) How do you react when your husband refuses to talk to you? Mine is being so immature right now. He recently broke some promises and took advantage of my family’s kindness. I tried to talk to him about it and he turned his back towards me and said that he didn’t want to hear me or see me any more. He told me to get out of his sight and jump off a bridge. Needless to say I started breaking dishes. All of a sudden He could see me again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I went to church today and then to his family’s house without him. Then he showed up there later and acted as if nothing was wrong. I tried to talk to him about it again today and it was impossible.

    I gave him an Ultimatum last Dec. and he chose us (our family). Now he says that it doesn’t matter that he broke his promises because he never wanted to make them in the first place, and I made him. He doesn’t care about how much he hurts me. He started immediately attacking me saying I can’t keep our house clean and I don’t cook anymore. I work 40-60 hours a week and I do get behind because I have a 6 month old and my husband doesn’t help me unless we’ve gotten into a fight. Then after which he constantly critiques me, and acts like he’s King Kong or something. I can’t take this anymore. He is completely cutting off communication again. He said that he doesn’t care if I do leave.

    I don’t understand what to do. I am having a really hard time praying for him right now. Every thing’s been going so great it seemed, but that was only because he learned to lie a little bit better. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t stand that fact that he doesn’t respect me, I can’t stand the fact that he talks to me like a dog. I can’t stand the fact that he pretends to be where we need to be but is out doing the same old things behind my back. He is living his life and playing family on the side.

    What do you do when you set limits and he just steps all over them, and breaks them to pieces? Love, LYNNE

  5. (USA) Hi Lynne, I’m sorry to hear things are going so badly. I said a brief prayer before writing this. I want to try and briefly write down my thoughts.

    The first thing that came to mind was that everything your husband said/did is all stuff I’ve heard and still hear, over and over and over again. The most important thing is to recognize when a conversation is going nowhere (and you know when it is b/c you described it above) and try to leave as calmly, politely and tactfully as possible. Then – GO PRAY!

    Is it easy to dismiss yourself when you’ve been hurt and/or emotions are running high? No way! BUT – it’s where you have to get. I still struggle with it myself but through a lot of trial, error and perseverance, I have become more objective in times like that than I ever thought I’d be and I can assure you it is God in me, not my flesh. My flesh wants to do what you did – break dishes. (That’s not the right approach or reaction, obviously).

    As for what he says – you don’t clean enough, blah blah blah. Leave the insults in the room as you leave the room itself. Don’t even let that in. That’s Satan using your husband to get to you. In the bigger picture – this is your fight against Satan. A friend told me once, let someone else’s garbage be their garbage. That’s just trash talk coming out of his mouth because he’s defensive and since you "wounded" him, he’s going to do the same to you. It’s tit for tat. It’s reviling evil for evil and railing for railing, which the Bible forbids. Don’t let it sink in.

    The best thing I’ve found in situations like that, for me, is to leave and go pray. I used to sob and pray for an hour, sometimes longer. But over the months, when I find myself that upset and I go pray now. It’s literally no more than 10 minutes and God touches my heart and I’m right as rain. It’s an acquired skill that can only be ascertained by much practice but you can get there.

    I would say, keep trying to have the conversations but ONLY when you know the emotional mood is okay for that. ALWAYS dismiss yourself when the trash talking starts. Over time, you’ll find the conversations getting longer and longer and the trash talking less and less. You’ll find yourself making more headway but it takes a lot of practice. That’s what’s happened with me.

    Don’t let your boundaries down either. You know the limits you set – keep sticking to them even if your husband doesn’t respect them. As long as they are Godly limits and are done out of a love for God and your family (the best thing for the family) they are acceptable boundaries.

    Did you read the article on this website about boundaries? If not, post back and I can give you the link.

    There’s also a small article based on the book Sacred Influence. It’s got good info. The book, however…..well, I bought it and was greatly disappointed by the sharp tone of the author and I DO NOT recommend it for anyone who is in an abusive situation. It only devotes a few small pages, all the way in the middle of the book, to abuse but a lot of the language in the book points the finger at it being women’s faults that they have problems to begin with. I found the book highly disappointing but the brief article here on the website, was VERY helpful to me (strangely enough). I don’t want to talk too much more about the book – that’s reserved for the article page where I might leave a comment if I feel led to but I do recommend that article here.

    Let me know if you need either of those links.

    Also – I think if you know that your in-laws are not treating you well, I honestly don’t see anything wrong with limiting your time with them. The Bible does tell us not to keep company with sinners. If they can’t love you properly or don’t know how (whether they are aware of it or not), there’s no reason to keep company with them. It’s going to bring you down and God tells us to focus on the positive things.

    Well, hope this helps. Write back if you feel you need to talk more or want to update us further! With love, LT

  6. (SA) Hi Anne, I know exactly how you feel, cos I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt. But let me tell you this, I agree with the others, YOU have to let go and let GOD! My husband did the same thing, not with one women, but with many. Sometimes he confessed it, other times I found out. Yes, I know how it feels when he can text her, phone her, spend time with her, and not with you. You feel like you are getting the bread crumbs of the marriage!

    I know, but let me tell you something, YOU need to draw closer to the Lord. Stop concentrating on your situation, and turn your focus onto the Lord. Read your Bible, sing praises to Him – anything just keep your mind on HIM! You will see the changes coming from within YOU and your husband will be amazed and baffled. Then, start forgiving him and her, pray for them. Daily – keeping your focus on God enables the Lord to work within YOU, God loves you, so much and wants you to allow HIM to work in your soul, spirit, body and mind. LET HIM!

    I have found that even at work, when it’s not always possible to read my Bible, that I just keep talking to GOD in my mind even, that is where my focus is! Then, I don’t always "see" the horrible "little" things that hubby does, cos GOD lets me see the "important" things. When you speak to your hubby – pray before you say anything – no matter how important or of the daily routine it is – pray ! Ask God to put a guard before your mouth, before you say something, and if it is Gods will that you say it, that God will give you the courage to say it, in a way that is acceptable to HIM, and that your hubby will hear it the way God intended it to be.

    I am a very shy and loyal person, but my hubby is out going and talkative – total opposites – but God joined us together for a reason! He wants to do something with our lives – not sure what yet, but I know that He does. The same goes for you, God wants to use you both.

    Hang in there as hard as it is, keep praying! Don’t phone this girl, don’t judge her, don’t wish bad things upon her, don’t ask your hubby about her. Ask God to end their "friendship" if it is a threat to your marriage, and I promise you HE will do it, if you pray with an open heart and mind. Forgiveness, is not easy. Tell God how hard it is to forgive both of them.

    Hang in there and we are all praying for you.

  7. (USA) LT thank you so much. You’re right I didn’t handle the situation very well and I know that. I’ll have to make that my practice. I guess I should have been more clear with what was going on. My husband broke promises to me but it was not regarding another woman. It was involving some old habits that carry serious consequences and health risks. However I did find a lot of what you said very helpful Sue, thank you.

    My husbands problems are not involving another woman but they involve everything else being more important than me. This morning we got into it again. He didn’t come home at all last night and stayed on his brother’s couch. So this morning after being up with our sick 6 month old a lot last night, I had a short fuse. I did however manage to speak to him with out breaking anything. I just let him know that I wasn’t going to take this anymore.

    I know that GOD hates divorce. So do I but I don’t understand why my husband keeps pushing me. He’s been treating me like crap, and creating some very harmful situations for our family. I have a 6 month old to think about, and I cannot stay in a dangerous situation. Please pray that he and I can talk with out yelling and that GOD changes his heart and mind about what’s important. LYNNE

  8. (USA) Well tonight we are going to talk. He just called me at work and apologized for some of his actions and asked if we could talk. Please Pray for me and my husband that we can talk without having our emotions take over. I am still very upset and my emotions are running high. Pray I can calm down before we meet tonight. I am mad but do not want a divorce. I want to work on our marriage, and on being able to count on him. The lies and deceit needs to stop, and GOD help me if I did find out there was another woman. (I don’t believe there is, I think that was the devil trying to work me up sorry)

    I guess I still don’t trust him, and his actions aren’t making it any easier right now. Please pray for me and for my ability to make a new habit and follow LT’s advice. Thank you all so very much. Love, LYNNE

    PS. Anne how are you doing?

  9. (USA) Thanks for the updates Lynne! Sorry to hear you were up with the baby during the night – that’s always very hard.

    I think it’s a great sign your husband called and apologized. My assumption is that the more the two of you work at it (or at least you work at your side even if he doesn’t), then that type of situation – one of apology and humility from both parties – will start to replace the emotions and anger.

    It’s a huge work but one that is worth it once you get there. It’s great you don’t want a divorce – that’s a step in the right direction. It means you’ll approach situations with a desire to overcome and not give up and that’s HUGE!

    I, too, agree with Sue. Focusing on God not only fills you up with Holy joy and fulfillment, but does take your mind off the bad situations when they seem like they are swallowing you up. It’s a great way to stay focused on the right things and not dwell on the bad things.

    I’ll pray for your meeting tonight. :)

  10. (CANADA) Hey all, it’s been a few days since I wrote.Thanks all for your messages. Cindy thanks a lot for the advice. I’ll get those books. Sue, thanks too, it was very nice advice and I know what you totally mean. I’ve had bad days since Thursday. When my husband left on Friday I felt relieved that I had the whole weekend to myself. He ended up coming back with his cousin on Saturday morning (he didn’t tell me, his mum told me he had slept at the sisters place, coz they were together).

    All of a sudden I just felt terrible and I couldn’t put a finger on it. Later when I saw him and said hi, I felt so sad. The whole day I was so sad and wondered how did we end up like this. I was sad because I realised I wasn’t happy to see him and I wished he was still away.

    That night after work we were gonna take his cousin around the area (it was his first time visiting). He did asked me “what’s wrong” and I told him what I was feeling. At home after I got ready, I just laid on the bed. I was in such a low mood and once again he asked “whats up”? I gave him the same answer and then he told me he knew there was more. I just started crying coz I felt spent and I told him the sadness was wearing me down. I was also bitter and resentful about his "friendship" but I didn’t bring that up.

    I had to gather up my "happy" face to be around people and be pleasant. I felt tired of pretending that we’re ok and all I wanted was to crawl in bed and cry.On Sunday the sermon was about faith and people complaining about their problems. It got me thinking a lot and I just felt teary. At the end of the service the pastor asked if anyone needed to be prayed for and I found myself going down the stairs (I’ve never gone before). I went straight to our pastor, the one we go see, and he asked me how I’m doing. I just cried and said, “I can’t do this anymore. My hubby is still friends with this woman and I feel defeated.” He prayed for my husband and for me, that my faith be restored. I felt better by the time we left church.

    That night we had an argument about the other woman again. I just had all these questions… and after I cried and I felt spent and tired. My husband shut down and just stopped talking. He left me crying and I thought, “how has he become so "cold- hearted"”? I left the room and when I was in the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror and I just asked myself, “Am I strong enough to go on?” Then immediately I just said, “sorry God” coz I thought, wow, here He is helping me and I just mess it up.

    All of a sudden I thought, wow, God must be really sad! Then I told myself, if HE is sad, satan must be clapping his hands with joy, and immediately my defenses went down and i literally felt myself let EVERYTHING GO. I said, “satan will not win.” I saw the whole picture in my head…on Wednesday my hubby and I had had a great session with the pastor and his wife. I saw that God had opened doors and satan had to come and destroyed, and i was falling for it. I said, “no more.” I dropped my pride and went to the guest room and told my hubby that I just wanted to say what I felt and what his friendship was doing to me. He asked if I thought about how he’s feeling. I just told him,I can’t speak for him he has to open up.

    He said he is sad and depressed and hurting. He did say we would talk today, but we didn’t coz things came up. But I had prayed to God and asked Him if this is the day for HIM to open the door, and for sure, I know this whole week, our schedules are not great. But it’s ok. God will open the door to that day.

    To me, that was a huge step from my hubby. I told him that we are both hurting, and it’s sad we are not there for one another. I told him that we both have a lot of habits to break and that God will see us through. I also told him that I’m praying for him. For the first time in months, I kissed him on the cheek and told him we’ll be fine. He said “ok”, and he thanked me for praying for him.

    I felt good when I left the room and I prayed for God to renew my faith, and to open doors for us. I told Him that I won’t worry about my hubby’s friendship with the other woman. That’s HIS fight, not mine. I’ve had a peaceful day for once and I feel hopeful. I truly know that we’ll be ok. Pray for me to continue having faith and to learn when to say things and when not to. My hubby doesn’t see anything wrong with his friendship and I realise that it’s not in my place to open his eyes but God’s. Pray for my husband too, to go to God with his burdens, coz only God can give him the answers he is seeking. Thanks ladies for your support and prayers.

    LYNNE, thanks a lot for the advice and I’m sorry about what’s going on. I hope the talk went well and I’m glad your husband is the one who called. One thing I’d like to tell you is that your husband is just listening to the lies of satan. Things were ok for a while for you but satan came and destroyed that. You have to see this and pray to God to give you the strength and wisdom on how to deal with these things. That’s what I’m doing for myself too, coz I noticed that anytime my hubby and I have a good day, satan comes in to destroy. I say NO MORE!

    I know it’s easy to just yell and vent but don’t you just feel spent… satan wants to destroy your marriage and you have to stop him with PRAYER AND FAITH. God has a great plan for you and your husband. Just believe that. PRAY and PRAY some more. The freedom of letting go is such a reward. I know it won’t be easy but have faith hang in there. Read COLOSSIANS 3, the whole chapter. It tells us how God wants us to live with one another. Let me know how the talk went.

    I know it’s not gonna be easy for my hubby and I, but I have faith that God has a great plan for us. I feel as if God was waiting for me to let go, and HE was telling me that, but i just wasn’t listening. Pray for me that I learn how to let go of any other trial that will come. Thanks a lot for everything. I love you all.

  11. (CANADA) Hey Lynne, I thought I may add some thing and hope it helps. One thing you need to keep in mind is that when God created you, HE already knew who your husband would be and HE doesn’t make mistakes. This is a trial and GOD wants to bring you closer to HIM. I once read that God needs only one heart to save a marriage. HE chose yours Thank HIM for that everyday. He has so much faith in you and HE will give you so much strength to endure this and wisdom on how to pray for your husband. It’s gonna be ok Lynne, just LET IT GO. Love you big. Read JEREMIAH 29 11-14.

  12. (USA) LT, Thank you so much for all your good advice and prayers. Your advice really helped to keep the situation from getting worse. I would really like to read those articles you suggested as well if you could please send me those links?

    Last night did not go well at all. I was able, however, to follow your advice and just leave the situation. I was unable to leave the insults in the room though. They cut me pretty deep. So I prayed and cried about them until I finally just fell asleep. My husband was really hurtful last night and said that he didn’t care what kind of boundaries or limits we have, he is going to do what he wants regardless. He’s not willing to sacrifice for me at all and he admits that. I am not important enough to him. So I don’t know what to do. I pray that GOD will change his mind and heart. But knowing that he doesn’t love me enough, hurts worse than I can even explain. I am supposed to come second to only GOD but I come second to absolutely everything: video games, friends, recreational activities, work, TV, etc. It scares me that GOD is not coming first for him anymore either.

    Last night I was very brief in my prayers for him. It took everything that I was, just to even pray for him at all. I really need some prayers ladies. All I can think about is separation. I don’t even want to be with him anymore. He’s turned into this greedy, bitter, stubborn man. It doesn’t help that all of his friends are telling him that he is right and that I am a bad wife. They say that I should let him do whatever he wants and they have a completely twisted view of what submission means (even the women in their click). They have him completely convinced that he is not doing anything wrong, and he listens. What they do is not only wrong it’s illegal, and I am not going to stand for it. Please pray for me, and for my husband, and for his idiotic friends.

    He and I aren’t speaking right now. The last thing he said to me besides bye this morning, was that he needs to go out and find a wife that will participate in partying with him, and she’ll stay thin, dress sexy, keep his house clean, and listen, to do everything he says.

    That is when I left the room. He’s comparing me to his friend’s wife who stays at home all day with the kids, and parties at night while the kids are sleeping. I am not going to make judgments against her. All I am going to say is, that is not the kind of life I want for my family. I refuse to live that way. He’s said that he’s not sure if I am worth it for him to quit living that kind of life. I said that if he’s not sure I’m worth it to him, then he’s really saying is that I am not. I gave him and ultimatum and he didn’t choose me. I just don’t mean enough to him.

    Please pray for us. I don’t want a divorce, I hate the word. But I am afraid that we are going to separate and divorce could possibly follow if his heart and mind doesn’t change. Please pray for us? Love ya, LYNNE

  13. (USA) Anne, I just read your comments that is awesome advice. Thank you so much for that. I am going to do my very best to take it. I can’t even explain how badly last night went. I wish I would have read your comments this morning. Today I am contacting a Christian counseling agency in out area and I am going to set an appointment for my husband and I.

    I feel as if there is going to be a separation but I don’t want it to be a separation from GOD for either of us. I fear that if we are not together then the devil will have too long to play with out getting some help. I also fear that if we stay in the same house we’ll tear down whatever progress we make in counseling right now.

    I know that there are some issues that both of us need to resolve that need GOD and someone who has a specialty with these issues. So I am going to make that appointment and if he goes then that’s great if not… Well I’m going to leave that to GOD.

    Anne, reading what you’ve just written has given me some hope back when I say I wish I’d have read it this morning. I mean that if I had read your comments this morning I wouldn’t have felt as crappy as I have. Thank you so much for that. I continuously Keep you and your husband in my prayers. I mean it when I say that I’ve never connected with some friends as much as I have with all of you ladies. Thank you so much.

    Where I fall short you ladies give me hope, and where I seem strong I read that someone else my not be and I feel so awesome to help. I really do feel used by GOD when that occurs, and right now I feel as if GOD is using you ladies to help me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! Love, LYNNE

    PS Please Pray that I am able to let go as well?

  14. (USA) Ladies, just wanted to say I am praying for each of you. I believe God can and will heal your marriages as He will mine. Let’s all continue to pray for each other as well as our husbands -and especially for the children. No person or situation is too hard for God. Read Ephesians 3:20 He can do it all!! God bless all of you -MB

  15. (USA)  GOD is GOOD! I called a Christian counseling agency here and they had a cancelation for tonight, even better my husband agreed to go!! You can’t tell me that is not GOD @ work! He can do this and I will just TRUST HIM!

  16. (CANADA) Hey Lynne I’m so sorry that the talk didn’t go well. I’m glad though you’re both going to see a counselor. I’ve prayed for you and your husband and that God may give the counselor wisdom and words that will help you. Oh girl, I feel your pain. I’ve gone through the same thing in February. My husband used to tell me that he didn’t love me the same way, and that I was too controlling and he wanted the marriage to end. He never used to come home most weekends and i never knew where he used to go. What was hard was that I never knew whether he used to go the other woman’s place and he never used to pick up my calls. He found new "friends" that I didn’t know, and he shut everyone out including me. And he never used to speak to me at all. That was HARD.

    All I did was pray coz seriously, I thought he had just gone crazy coz he wasn’t the man I married. I also did get to the point of wanting to leave him and I started looking for places. That night though, I cried to God so hard and asked Him if this was what I needed to do. He spoke to me through a song and told me not to give up.

    The next morning my husband wrote me an email and told me that he realised he’s better of with me and nobody else. He went to the places we went for our first date and he couldn’t end the marriage. He wrote that he loved me and that was the last time I heard those words.That was beginning of March. It has been hard. It will not be easy Lynne. Honestly, there’ll be a time you’ll look back and wonder how you got through. Just pray and have faith that God already has answers and will restore your marriage back. Now HE really needs you to go closer to HIM so that HE may change you and help you grow. Pray for wisdom and patience you need it.

    When I look back, I always see what God has done for me. I’ve fallen many times but He always gets me up. The pain will go away day by day. Leave it all to HIM. This is not your battle but the Lords. Even now my husband is still not himself. He’s arrogant, cold, withdrawn, and he just seems to want to do things without me, or he just seems to want to live life without being accountable to anyone especially me. All this things are the lies satan is telling him. He’s one man I know who has a great heart and I always tell myself that and I just pray for God to break that bondage he’s in.

    Now things seem hopeless and it’s easy to give up, but don’t. Separation may or may not work. I did get lots of advice to leave my husband and that he’ll come to his senses when he sees that he can lose me, but God said otherwise. Pray about it and ask God to guide you.

    Have you read the part about the wife and the prayer for the wife in POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE? Use that prayer to pray for yourself. It was really helpful and it helped me see my mistakes. As much as you’re hurting so is your husband (I know you don’t want to hear that. I never wanted to think about it either). It’s easy to forget that, and just think about ourselves.

    Men just never show their emotions so they put up this front and hide behind it. Even at the counselor’s office, if he doesn’t seem to know how to express himself, don’t lose hope. I went through the same thing. The first time we went to see the pastor with my husband, the pastor had to pull things out from him and now he seems to find it easier to open up.

    I hope your husband opens up though. I’ll pray for you. God will open the door for you Lynne. Just listen to HIM when He speaks to you. God is just a prayer away and He does listen. He just answers our prayers HIS WAY, not our way coz HE knows what’s best for you and your marriage. Nothing is impossible for God. Your situation will turn around. I’ve learned… actually I started yesterday to thank Him for things that I took for granted, like my husband comes home everyday and doesn’t sleep out. I’m just thanking Him for the miracle that will befall our marriage. Lynne, hold on to God. He will make a way that no man shall close. Have faith girl. I’ll continually pray for you and your husband. Remember you are the anchor in that marriage. You are holding it together with prayer.

    Pray for me too, that when the day God has chosen for us to talk with my husband, HIS presence will be with us, and my husband will be able to open up. Thank you all. Love ya all, and God Bless

  17. (USA) Well… We saw the counselor and that was good for me, bad for us. But I kind of had this peaceful feeling come over me just before I realized the truth. My husband admitted to the counselor in this session that he doesn’t want to change, and he doesn’t want to be married either. He also admitted that he felt pressured to marry me because we were living together before we were married. He begged me to move in with him. I told him five times before I relented because I knew it was a bad idea.

    He begged me to marry him. I thought we hadn’t known each other long enough (and I knew it was too soon). I said no at first. Then he convinced me he loved me and couldn’t live without me. So I married him. I asked him to leave at the counseling session, and the counselor said that she’d see me again, but not as marriage counseling. He doesn’t want to change so she can’t help him. She’s not going to waste our money or her time. Bill was very easy going the whole time with the conversation. He put up no fight about separating (I didn’t expect that).

    I figured out why later on tonight. I went down and talked with him about wearing our rings still. He said that he probably was going to be wearing his. I already knew before he told me. There is another woman. This girl he had a crush on all throughout his teen years and dated, is currently getting a divorce. He’s leaving me to chase her. He hasn’t seen her yet but he’s leaving me to chase her.

    He’s not willing to make an effort for our marriage because he wants a chance with her. But he doesn’t want to get a divorce in case things between him and her don’t work out. In that case he’ll try the marriage.

    I agreed to the separation but I am done with this marriage. I didn’t want a divorce but I know that a marriage based on last resort with no love, and no commitment to him, is just as bad as a divorce. He never created marriage to be like that. Living in a marriage like that is a joke. You’re keeping to the law, when your spouse has more than broken the law. I just don’t know if I can live with second choice.

    I think that we are going to end up in divorce and I handed him my rings for the time being. In my heart I feel like it’s over but strangely enough GOD is giving me peace with that. I am going to continue seeing the Christian counselor, and I’ll continue praying for him but I cannot lie and say that my heart is in this, because it’s not.

    Pray for me, I know I need it. Love, Lynne

  18. (USA) Hi Lynne, I think you said your husband is a "christian?" Well, sorry but that does not sound to be the case.

    My observation is that there are a lot of so-called "Christians" out there but they are extremely spiritually weak and strong in satisfying their flesh. I know because I used to be one. With the state of my abusive marriage, my shame at sharing with anyone what was really going on because it’s so embarrassing, and my husband’s insistence that nothing was really wrong and/or that I was "making" him hit me with my words, I can assure you my flesh screamed out.

    I turned to alcohol, which started by me going to happy hours after work. Then, after a while, with my heart just wanting to be loved, I, too, turned to an affair. It started as a "friendship" and then turned to more. Finally, knowing I was caught in sin and then after another argument where my husband got physical, I left. I’d tried to tell him I was leaving weeks before but that ended up in him shoving me against a wall and holding my in a stranglehold by my neck. Part of me hoped he would strangle me so I’d be out of my misery.

    At any rate – I spiraled into deep depression during that time of my life. I eventually came back to my husband because I literally felt the pull of God making me go back even though I only partly wanted to. The one thing I can say is that, thankfully, my husband and I had always made pretty good money so materialistically I couldn’t complain. I did have a really comfortable life and house to go back to but it was almost a decade later before the abuse was finally addressed and the physical side stopped. Our child is what made me really force the issue. I wasn’t going to have him growing up with what I’d been allowing to happen to myself for so long.

    At any rate, all that aside, either your husband is a fleshly Christian (which is mediocrity at its best) or he’s extremely back-slidden.

    Here’s the verse I want to suggest you read: I Corinthians 7.

    It talks about divorce and the grounds for it. The fact is Lynne (and I’m NOT saying this to advocate divorce or sway your mind to a decision one way or the other) is that if the marriage bonds are broken by infidelity, God sees that as a forgivable reason for divorce.

    I agree with Anne – let God guide your heart. But you should read that chapter. If your marriage does end in divorce, then you would find comfort in reading that. At this point, I don’t even think I’d call your husband a believer anymore – he certainly doesn’t sound like he’s acting as one.

    God is the only one who can really answer all these things and give you the answers you need for your personal situation.

    You are in our prayers!!

  19. Dear Lynne, I can assure you that there are a lot of people praying for you. I think everyone who was writing before is in a state of shock and mourning, and wants to pray about what they would say to you at this point. I’ve been and am still doing the same.

    I want to say that I am so very, very sorry for this horrible turn of events in your marriage. My heart grieves for you, and for your husband — for the losses that you are both, and will both experience if things continue down the road they now are traveling. I can’t tell you how much my heart is crying for both of you.

    But I’m also crying for the Lord, because I know that this hurts His heart deeply also. I want to pray about what to say beyond this, because this is too important of a time in your life for me to say something to you off the top of my head. I want to take the time to pray, making sure that my humanness doesn’t get in the way of anything that I would say, so that it would be in line with what the Lord would have me say to you.

    Lynne, I want to ask you a few questions, if you would allow me to do that. I’d like to ask you if your husband is a follower of Jesus Christ. Does he have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ? And what about you? I know you pray, and that is wonderful. But beyond that, do you know our Heavenly Father in a deep and personal way — Have you ever accepted the gift of life that God offers us by accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior? And have you made Him your Lord?

    If that puzzles you and you wonder, we have a link in the upper right hand corner of each page that says, “Seeking Direction? Purpose? Hope?” If you (or anyone else reading this comment) is wondering about this, please click into it and follow the prompts that are provided.

    The reason I am asking you these questions is because your answers will affect what I would say to you after I spend more time in prayer. I know you are going through a very uncertain time right now. I’m sorry to ask more of you when right now you must have so many other questions on your mind. But I hope you will let me know when you can. I truly care. And I know that there are many others who care very deeply for you also.

    Please know that you are loved, and are being prayed for. You are a blessing to all of us who have started to get to know you through what you have written.

  20. (USA) Hello, It has been a while since I have posted but I assure you I log on every day to read every post and I want you Lynne to know that I am crying for you. Having been in your shoes, I DEEEPLY feel your pain. You are not alone and I am praying for you every second of the day. All my Love to you!!!

  21. (USA) Thank you ladies. To answer your questions Cindy, I do feel as if I have a deep connection with my true father and I’ve completely given my heart over to Jesus. I accept that he is my savior and that he gave is very life to save mine. My heart is filled with him and wants to full fill HIS wants for my life. I think that why I stayed as long as I did.

    I am having a really hard time with the thought of forgiveness right now though. I’d be a liar if I said that I was completely right with that. As for my husband, I think that he has lost touch with GOD. I believe that LT is right, he’s become a "flesh-y" Christian. I don’t know what to do anymore. I keep praying and thankfully good things are happening but my heart hasn’t changed it’s mind, and I kind of feel this peace about that.

    My husband has a horrible addiction and never wanted to change. Now he actually wants to change and he’s doing it for himself which is great. We ended up getting in yet another confrontation last night and I really did some hateful things out of anger (deleted all his files, email accounts, gaming systems). I know that it was wrong but at the time I was so angry. I still have to ask forgiveness from HIM for that one. However that was when I found the most evil thing I’ve ever seen in my life. My husband was still doing those disgraceful things and now there was a twist. The girl in the pornography video was not of age! I cried and cried and cried.

    My husband is going into a residential treatment program and has an evaluation at 3 pm. He knows he needs intensive therapy. Please pray that all goes well and that this organization admits him today, and they are able to help him. Thankfully GOD has put that want in his heart now and that’s what I prayed for.

    This morning he seemed very remorseful and wanting of help. He’s been breaking down all day and I really think that is the LORD at work. I am thankful for that too but, while GOD is putting the want in me to help him, it’s with the understanding that it’s not going to change things between us. Things are so far gone, I don’t think us staying together is GOD’s plan anymore. I think this is GOD’s way of getting my husband back for HIM not me. So I am keeping my distance but being supportive.

    I need to go and find another job today too, just part time. I don’t know how long he is going to be gone and I’ll need to make ends meet. So please pray that I am able to find something that will fit my schedule without taking time from my son. Please pray for my son too? My baby is just the innocent victim in this situation. He doesn’t even understand why his "da" is going away. He’s such a loving kid. It makes me cry when I think about how bad it’s gotten for my little guy. I think that’s why this is the best thing. I just pray that we can all grow from this experience, but it’s hard to see any sunshine through all of this rain right now.
    Love you guys a lot. You’ll never know how much you’ve meant to me. LOVE, LYNNE

  22. (USA) Amber, I am sorry I didn’t see your comment until I posted. Thank you so much girl. I really can’t even tell you how much that means to me. You all are awesome. Love, LYNNE

  23. (CANADA) Hey Lynne, like Cindy said about people being shocked, I was shocked by the turn of events. I read the message last night but I couldn’t reply. I had to pray for you, then ask God to guide me on what to say. I’m so sorry that things turned out this way and I honestly felt your pain. I also cried for you in prayer.

    Lynne, for sure you can’t change your husband, and it’s not even in your place to do so. Right now Lynne, you need God more than ever. You need to ask Him to guide you. This is not Hiss plan right now. He wants you to Trust HIM and go to HIM. Nobody can answer your questions. Only HE can, and HE wants to.

    Get closer to God. That’s all HE wants now, and ask HIM to show you the changes that you need to make in your life. I hope you have good Christian friends, even if it’s only one, coz you need to be careful with all the advice you’ll get from people. Remember God is only a prayer away and He’ll be there, and listen to HIM.

    One thing I know is that God does speak to us. It’s just that sometimes we are too busy trying to fix things ourselves that we don’t hear Him. This battle is not yours to fight, but the LORDS. As for your husband, all I’ll say is pray for him, coz the things he said to you are just wrong. Lynne, God is reaching out to you go to HIM. Know that HE has a great plan for you. Make sure you read the verse that LT gave you; it will help you. I love you and I’ll continue praying for the both of you. God Bless. Hope you’ll write to let us know how you are.

  24. (USA) Thanks, Cindy, for writing what you wrote to Lynne. Due to my situation – I’m staying at home with a pre-schooler all day and generally only have the time to write in short spurts. (With a young one, the only time you have at peace is when they are sleeping, :) ).

    I do not write, ever, when I truly don’t have anything to say. God has given me the discernment of knowing, fairly quickly, if I’m to share a comment with someone here or not. God has taught me not to write from an emotional and/or fleshly standpoint. That being said, however, I generally have verses going on in my head that support my viewpoints, but don’t always have the time to look them up because my 2 year old will probably come in at any moment and see my keyboard and want to start hitting keys, etc., and possibly delete everything I did have the time to write.

    So…..all of that is leading up to my point for writing this comment.

    I was struck, VERY strongly, in fact, by the Holy Spirit, that Cindy’s message was one you need to consider Lynne.

    She has more experience in ministry than I do, but this site is her ministry (and her husband’s) from God. I’m merely a believer who contributes as I can, and when I feel my personal walk with the Lord allows me something deeper to add to help another. But the comments I leave on this site are not my main ministry. My full time ministry right now is working to do whatever I can to mend a still broken (but much improved) marriage and to look after my son and try to be a Godly example to him and my husband. That will always get more time and attention than the marriage missions website but I LOVE coming here.

    In other words, this is Steve and Cindy’s place – by the ordination and leading of God. And I totally respect that and yield to the fact God is having her help you right now.

    I LOVE what you wrote, Cindy. I think they are wonderful points and are in the direction that God is leading right now. Your experience and time will allow you to help Lynne (and others reading this) in a much deeper, more profound and impactful way than I’m sent to.

    Lynne, please consider communicating with Cindy for the next few days or weeks – this is a critical juncture in your life and none of us wants you to act hastily. God would hold us all accountable if we were the cause of you doing the wrong thing as well.

    From this point on, because of my time constraints and my situation during the day, I can’t add anything deeper but I know Cindy has been given that job for now – to truly help you.

    The other thing I did forget to mention earlier, is that if your counselor is not a Christian counselor, then it would behoove you to find a different counselor who is Christian. Non-Christians walk by a different code that is generic and weakly formed; based in secular knowledge, not knowledge given to them by the Holy Spirit and their own walk with God.

    Blessings to all you lovely women. I’m grateful God has given me the opportunity to get to know all of you and help in whatever capacity God has allowed. Love and prayers.

  25. (USA) Thanks Cindy for adding a pointer in your last comment to the spiritual matters section of this site. I’d looked through some of those pages but not all. I’m pasting a passage I found on one of the links that goes to

    I have to say, ladies, that I thought it was one of the most profound things I’ve ever read. I found it quite timely due to all our current/recent struggles in our marriages. It should be applied not just to our marriages, but to our spiritual comittment (marriage) to Christ, as well. I’m posting it below.


    A Standers Affirmation
    I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!… I will not give up, give in, give out or give over ’til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words… in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad…so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down ’til the breakdown is torn down!

    I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous… nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God’s real thing, nor will I seek to lower God’s standard, twist God’s will, rewrite God’s word, violate God’s covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

    In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God’s faithfulness.

    I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.

    I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up ’til my marriage is healed.

    – Author Unknown

  26. (USA) Hey everybody I know you all are praying because it’s working!!!

    My husband and I talked today again and after this morning he called my phone every hour on the hour all day at work (if not more). Some of the excuses for calling were ridiculous, but I could tell he was just desperate to hear my voice. That kind of made me feel good. His meeting went good, but the facility suggested out-patient treatment. He is going to be going to a Christian support group for men with sex addictions, and I am going to continue seeing the Christian counselor I met with on Tuesday.

    My husband looked me in the face today and told me that he didn’t love me and that he didn’t want to be married anymore. Then after the appointment he called me and proclaimed that his wanting for a divorce was for all of the wrong reasons and those reasons had nothing to do with another woman. Thoughts of giving up and trying with her was the devil playing tricks on his mind. He said that he did love me and he actually WANTS to work on our marriage. However he needs to work on himself first. He’s got a lot of issues in his past with abuse that he never did deal with. He was bounced around in foster care until he was 9 yrs old and a lot of bad things happened to him there.

    GOD truly does work in mysterious ways. I was the one who was feeling so totally hopeless and ready to let go; but as soon as my husband said that he didn’t love me, something in me started to fight. My first thought was that he was a liar, and a coward. GOD took me up with out giving me the chance to say no. He made me do what my heart wanted in spite of all the hurt. After we talked some more, my husband asked for his ring and asked for me to put it back on him. Then he said that this was our new beginning and he put my ring on me. I cried. That was my husband and I was so happy to have him back, he’s been gone for so long. I missed him so much.

    I just can’t seem to get the other woman out of my mind. I know that what he said held some truth to it, but I also know that he said it to hurt me because he was hurting. I just need to get it out of my mind. I’ll pray that I can let that go.

    That’s better! I gave it to HIM. I don’t know what I would have done if I would have faced this alone. I really don’t have anyone far enough away from our situation to talk to. Not parents, friends, or siblings, because I’ve learned that it creates more drama. So you ladies have helped me a lot. Your advice and reservation of advice came from GOD, and your prayers were most important thank you.

    The referral of scripture provided more comfort than I can even explain. I consider you all near to my heart. LOVE YA! LYNNE

  27. Hi Lynne, That is GREAT news! YEAH GOD!!!

    But as my husband said, “That is a GREAT beginning.” And he’s right. It’s a beginning. But beginnings sometimes start out as two steps forward and one step back and so on. There can be progress and then setbacks and if we’re patient and we persevere enough, there can be more progress.

    God has definitely done a mighty work here on both of you. And I (and many others) couldn’t be more thrilled. But I sense that this is only the beginning. It’s a beginning of getting you both onto a higher plane of maturity, commitment, and perseverance. You both need to lean into the learning process that He wants to take you through and use to help you to grow. You have a Savior and Lord that want this of you, and a precious baby that needs this of you — to have two mature parents who are willing to work out their issues before you cause more damage.

    It would be good for you and your husband to go through the section of our web site titled “Pornography and Cybersex.” You could both find the articles and testimonies to be helpful. This is an addiction and addictions need the full attention and cooperation of those involved to get beyond the first stages of healing, and then to go into the maintenance stage. In the maintenance stage (and sometimes before) it’s important to put up hedges and barriers to protect your marriage, and accountability partners to help the one who is addicted not to fall again. (We have some great articles in the “Sexual Issues” section of the web site to help with putting up barriers.)

    Lynne, before you wrote this last comment, I was going to urge you not to be hasty in closing your mind to reconciling if your husband eventually agreed to reach out for help with his issues. (He came to his agreement sooner than expected.) I could absolutely understand why you would want to close all doors, but you always want to leave elbow room for God to work His redemptive miracles in talking to your husband’s heart and then starting the process of helping him to work on his issues. God has patience with us and forgives us when we are rebellious and do things that are grievous, and He asks us to have patience and forgive others when they are repentant as well.

    Steve and I both felt that he was probably hooked into the addictive fantasy world of pornography and letting his imagination go beyond that. As a wife, that can be a horrible thing for you to endure. I can attest to that, because my husband Steve was into that many years ago. (That’s why he has an accountability partner and has put other things into place to help himself stay pure at this point.) But it IS something the Lord can help your husband (as He helped mine) to overcome and can help you to open your heart to forgiveness (as He has mine — I speak from experience).

    If you can lean upon the Lord — especially during this time, and strengthen yourself for the battle ahead, as your husband works through these issues, God can eventually cause your husband’s heart to open wider for you all the more as he senses your forgiveness and your support in loving him when he isn’t lovable. I’ve seen this happen quite a few times before in other’s lives as well as in my own marriage. I can’t say that this will definitely be the case with you… but all things are possible when God is put on the throne.

    In the “Links and Resource Description” part of the “Pornography and Cybersex” section, you will find web sites that you can use also, to help you as a wife. There are several posted there for your husband also, to help him, if he will go into them. But you will need to put some kind of guard on your computer so it protects him from giving in to his weaknesses and abusing the computer in the future as he has in the past. All of this will be discussed in the articles and the web sites, and the counseling he will be getting.

    There is A LOT more that I could say at this point, but I feel compelled to just say two more things. Lynne, you are such a sweetheart, in many ways. I sense that in your letters. But you need to work on your anger issues. It’s not that I don’t understand why you would be tempted to throw dishes and erase computer files, etc… But one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. It’s a fruit you need to ask the Lord to help you with. The Bible says that it’s ok to be angry, “but in your anger, do not sin.” Throwing things and being vindictive in your behavior doesn’t show much self-control. Think of the example it will set for your son as he grows up. He needs a mom and dad to show him how to handle anger in mature ways. Now is a good time to start learning how to do that.

    We have a lot of articles and tools on the web site that you can read and use and adapt for helping you. And your counselor, if she is a good one, can help you as well. It would be good for you to work on your issues and for your husband to work on his issues and then for both of you to work on issues together so you can learn how to fight in a more respectful manner.

    I’ve been there and done that with temper issues. Most any of us could relate to losing our tempers in ways that are not mature. So I am not throwing stones at you. I’m just telling you from experience that you can UN-learn some bad habits and ways of approaching things. I’ve had to do that in my own life. The Holy Spirit is a great and “Wonderful Counselor” and can help you, as He has me, with that. Become the Lord’s student in this.

    Paul says in the Bible, in 1 Corinthians 13, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.” But he goes on to say that “When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” I believe the Lord is prompting you to start working on ways that He will reveal to you that are childish and needs to be put behind you. We all have those areas. This is a good time to work on them. I pray you will.

    Also, in your counseling, and in any advice you ever get from human beings (including me), make sure you put the advice up against God’s word. Don’t ever listen to counsel and figure that because it comes from someone “who should know” or someone you respect and care about, that it is sound advice. Even the best counselors around can be wrong sometimes. Pray about it, compare it to scripture, and if you still aren’t sure, ask others who are godly and wise.

    I pray this helps. I also and ESPECIALLY rejoice with you. God is so very good!!!

  28. (CANADA) Hey Lynne I’m so happy for you. God is truly great He definitely lifted you up when you had fallen. I’m glad that your husband realised that he needs help. That’s definitely God’s work. We’ve all prayed for you and we’ll all continue praying. Like Cindy said there are times you’ll both take steps ahead then a step back. Remember, you both have habits to break.

    Pray for patience because as human beings, we are very impatient. You’ll need that and a lot of perseverance. And pray that God may give you a forgiving heart. God turns the IMPOSSIBLE to POSSIBLE. You can read Jeremiah 32:27. I love you girl and you are not alone. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

    On another note. Please pray for me. Nothing bad has happened. I just need prayers that I may continue to have faith in God. Ever since Sunday night, I have this hope for our marriage that is so strong, and I know it’s all God’s doing. I can say that truly God has me where HE wanted in total SUBMISSION TO HIM. It’s such a great feeling.

    I now realise that I had never truly let everything go and I still wanted to fix things myself. I can now think of things that have happened and not want to scream. It’s all God’s doing. I thank and give HIM praise. I just need prayers to stay on the right path and not falter.

    Pray for my husband so that God may open his eyes to clearly see the hurtful things he’s doing, and for God to open his heart so that he may be able to open up and talk about his pain. Pray also for the day that the LORD has chosen for my husband and I to talk that we may have forgiving hearts and words spoken in love. And pray that HE may open the ears to our hearts so that we may both listen to each others needs. Thank you all and love you all.

    Lynne, your story is very encouraging and I know that God is opening doors to my marriage too. God Bless. I’ll keep on praying for you and your husband.

  29. (USA) Cindy, As I read what you wrote to me, I cried. You’re so in tune with the Spirit. My husband and I continued talking late last night and as my husband was telling me about my temper. GOD opened my eyes to my anger. Your picking up on that shows me how in tune you are. I know that I have a serious temper. Being brought up, my mother who has a heart of GOLD, always had a serious temper as well. It makes me upset but my husband says I act just like her when I’m mad and it’s true.

    He’s never seen women act like those in my family, and it kind of puts him off. We are very strong willed, independent, stubborn, opinionated women and almost all with hot-tempers. This is hard for him because the women in his family are more reserved, quiet, laid back, and traditional. It’s hard because we come from different cultures. He was adopted by a wonderful Christian family with more conservative views that were of Dutch descent. I’m Native American and some French, but mostly Native, and my family, while still Christian, are more liberal. So we are still adapting to each other.

    While this is no excuse for my anger. I understand that my anger is my own and my temper was learned. So Cindy, you’re right. This is going to be a time of learning and unlearning.

    I’ve been though the cybersex and pornography section of this site and it’s been a blessing for me. My husband on the other hand isn’t motivated to use these types of resources. I am really praying that this group is more up his alley because he has a hard time relating to the literature. Maybe it’s too general for his situation so hopefully he’ll meet someone there with a testimony that’s easier for him to relate to. Please pray for that?

    I cannot thank you and Steve enough. Hopefully I can get my husband on here with me sometime. I will definitely be taking advice as it comes and I’ll have to compare it to scripture a little more. That is great advice. Thank you! I’ll also be working on my anger issues and praying about it. Could you all ladies pray for me concerning my anger too? I really appreciate it more than you know.

    How is every one else doing? Anne, is everything still going well with you? With every thing going so terrible in my life lately I’ve been distracted and unfocused in my prayers. What you said about letting go has really helped me. LT, A Standers Affirmation was just what I needed to hear and say. Thank you. Amber, MB, Sue, and all of you ladies. I really do mean it when I say that you all are a blessing. Love Ya, LYNNE

  30. (CANADA) Hey Lynne, thanks a lot for your concern. I’m happy that you guys talked last night. I long for the day that my husband and I will have a chance to talk. Well, I’ve been doing ok and have been peaceful. Today I saw the phone bill, and of course my husband still talks to the other woman for sometimes about an hour. Not so much, but the communication is still there. I really cried and asked God to intervene because no matter what I tell my husband, he isn’t listening.

    I’ve accepted that only God can and will open my husbands eyes and his heart. I cried to God and I prayed for the other woman and cried for her. I praise God because I would not have done this earlier. Just pray for me to continue trusting God and having faith in HIM. I need a lot of strength to go on. Please pray for my husband. He needs God’s guidance and for God to open his eyes.

    I just asked my husband if we can talk and he said no. I guess today is not the day. Please pray girls. I need you all so that I may be able to be to go through this. I will not talk to him about the bill. We have an appointment next week with the pastor so we’ll talk about it then. I know I need to set boundaries. I’m praying for that and for the right time and day to speak to my husband. Now I know he would not even listen to me. I need God’s mercy. Thanks all for your prayers. I’m still praying for you Lynne, that God may help you deal with your temper. HE’LL make a way for all of us. Love you all.

  31. (CANADA) Hey ladies, I need prayer. After seeing those cell phone bills, I just prayed to God to help me out. I don’t know what happened because my husband just told me that today, that I was talking to him badly. I didn’t notice, but for sure I know I didn’t feel like talking to him and I did separate myself from him. He asked me what was wrong and all I was told him was, “I’m tired and fed up with things and I don’t know what to do.” He just stormed out of the room upset.

    I thought about the way I spoke to him and thought that maybe in the mood of not talking to him, I may have not been speaking with kindness. I did write him a text message to apologize. He didn’t reply, but I didn’t expect him to. I didn’t talk about the bill because I felt it would lead to an argument and I really needed to pray for God’s guidance on the things I’d say to him. I’d prefer to wait till our next meeting with our pastor next week.

    I just need to learn how to express myself. I know that’s something I need to ask God for help. I’ve reached a point where I’m wondering what to do, and for how long this will go on. I’ve been so peaceful this week, and it’s like, what happened??? Pray for me and for Steve. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up in exactly 2 weeks and I think that’s why I’m feeling this way. There’s nothing more I’d love, than to start our 3rd year with some positiveness — with us working hard and together to better our marriage.

    God is able and I know that he’ll see us through this. He always has great timing. Love you all. Thanks Cindy for the books you suggested. I bought SACRED INFLUENCE. I just started reading it this evening and so far it’s great. Thanks a lot to both you and Steve. God has really blessed the two of you.

  32. (CANADA) Hey ladies it’s me again. Last night I cried a lot to God asking Him to help me and my husband, because honestly this pain is too much. I then asked Him if there was something I’m missing that He’s trying to tell me, but I’m not listening to Him. I was reading the book SACRED INFLUENCE and there’s a chapter on how women should be bold and stand up for themselves and not to fear because God is with us. That got me thinking. I’m not one to stand up for myself generally, because I grew up in a home where children were supposed to listen and not be heard so I learned how to keep things to myself. That made me believe that I’m not good in expressing myself because even sometimes when I say something to my husband and he gets upset I end up apologizing and I always wonder, “why do I have to apologize for expressing myself?”

    Up to this day I still believe I don’t know to express my feelings so I keep quiet because I feel, “what’s the point?” I know my husband gets frustrated when he can clearly see thats something is wrong and I say nothing. I know that’s something that I have to change. It’s not gonna happen overnight. but I’ll pray about it. Something that I read in that book, that made me cry, was that God may be using this challenge as a vehicle for me to become the strong woman that He created me to be.

    I want to be bold and stand up and tell my husband how his friendship with this woman is affecting and hurting me. I need to know, is this what God wants me to do? Is this the answer to my question? Please pray for me. I need to learn how to go about this, keeping in mind that God is and will be with me during that step. Pray that I get the courage and the strength to be BOLD and not just in my marriage, but in every other aspect of my life.

    Thanks a lot ladies. I love you all for your support. Lynne how are things going for you??

  33. (USA) Anne, Thank you so much for your prayer. I cannot tell you how much it means. Anne, Have you read the Emotionally Distant Spouse? You should read that. Your Steve is not going to want to talk about this because then he’ll have to deal with his feelings. Instead of asking him if it’s time to talk, ask him if a certain date and time would work to talk. That way you both can be prepared and neither of you will feel like you were put off or surprised. Also maybe ask him what his reason is for putting off this talk. Is it really because he isn’t ready or is it because he doesn’t want to?

    With everything we’re going through right now, I’ve learned that talking is a part of changing. If he doesn’t want to talk then he doesn’t want to change. If he doesn’t want to change, he’s not trying to save his marriage. Pray that the LORD gives him the WANT to change. When My husband and I spoke, I asked him if we could, ahead of time (sort of like scheduling it).

    I’ll keep praying for you Anne, and I’ll pray that GOD gives Steve the WANT to change. Love ya.

  34. Dear Anne, I’m so glad that you’re reaching out to the Lord, petitioning Him to help you to put your marriage together in a way that is positive and healthy. It’s great that you’re asking for prayer for that. But you also need to listen before and after praying. Sometimes we monologue so much in our prayers, but we forget to listen. And prayer is actually a dialogue back and forth to our Heavenly Father. We pray and petition God, through our Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit talks to us through many different ways. As we grow in relationship with Him, we learn how to listen and to follow His leading. It takes a quietness of heart and a leaning towards being open to learning.

    Sometimes when He speaks to us (within our spirit, or through other things and people He uses to help us), what He tells us will sting a bit (and sometimes a lot). But it’s for our own good, and for the good of others around us. Other times He draws us in and comforts and ministers in a softer way.

    Right now, I believe the Lord is trying to get your attention through your husband. God uses many people and circumstances (sometimes painful and “unfair” ones even) to “wake” us up to pay attention to something He wants to do in our lives. As Oswald Chambers said, “God has frequently to knock the bottom board out of your experience if you are a saint in order to get you into contact with Himself.” I believe God is doing that right now with you. I believe He is using your husband, and very painful circumstances, to help you to see that you need to DO something about your temper, and the way that you relate to those you say you love. Love is more than feeling it in the heart, it’s demonstrating it in our words and actions.

    You say in your letter that last night you “may not have been speaking with kindness” to your husband after you thought about the cell phone bills. And then you ask, “what happened???”

    Anne, your intentions may be right — to try to get your husband to stop making calls that he shouldn’t be making. But the way in which you are doing it is damaging. You may not have INTENDED to cause additional damage to your relationship by the way in which you expressed yourself, but the end result is that you obviously did. I’m not trying to justify your husband’s actions — not at all! This issue needs to be addressed. But the approaches that you’ve been making are not working at all! They’re only making matters worse.

    Right now your marriage is wounded. It could die, if both of you don’t do your parts in healing it. It’s like you have this big open wound within your relationship. The way to heal it, isn’t to take a knife and cut it open some more, in a half-hazard way. Even if you never meant for your anger to get out of control in such a way that it cut the wound up wider, saying “sorry” doesn’t take back the additional cutting. Good intentions are great. But they have to be followed by actions that are good.

    And closing up and saying that “nothing” is wrong, when something is, also adds to the problem. Because then the anger is stored up inside so eventually it’s like the dam breaks open and everything (both good and bad) spills out in a raging way. I’m so glad the Lord is showing you this through the book you are reading.

    I believe that God is trying to wake up, both you and your husband, to do what it takes to heal this marriage. You expressed in an earlier letter that your husband is getting help for his addictive behavior. And that’s great! But while he’s doing that, you will need to work on your end to let the counselors do their part without complicating matters worse (by using cutting words or actions). Not giving into storing up your anger (but talking to those who are healthy who will listen) and then giving into the impulse to spill out your anger over the cell phone matters would have been good. It would have been best to leave that matter alone and then wait to talk to your pastor about that and decide together on how to handle it, with a mediator to help you.

    The last thing I want to do is make you feel worse. I hope you know that. You have a lot on your “plate” right now that is hurting you already. But I don’t want you to hurt even worse in the future by what you are doing right now. And right now, you really need help with your anger issues.

    I’m so glad you’re reading the book, Sacred Influence. It can help you to see how sacred our relationship is within our marriage and with our Lord in how we express ourselves and how we live out our lives. But I also recommend that you read another book. It’s titled “Mad About Us.” You can see an excerpt from this book in Marriage Message #352 – Before Conflict Arises. We also have some quotes and other things you should read in the “Communication and Conflict” section of our web site because they could help you to work on your impulse control and help you to put into place some productive ways to express your anger and concerns.

    I know this is a lot to take in. But I believe the Lord is prompting (and pushing) you to become a student of what it takes to make marriage healthy. From what you’ve said in a past letter, you’ve learned some destructive ways to express your anger. Now is the time to UN-learn those ways and learn how to do it right. I’ve had to do this in my own life. And I’m still a student. But I’m un-learning what is harmful, and I’m learning anew how to do this right. The Holy Spirit is a faithful teacher as I ask, and then listen, and then do what He prompts me to do. And the same is for you. How very much I want that for you!!! I know that you and those around you (especially your son as he grows up observing you), will benefit from what the Lord can teach you in this.

    I want to leave you with another quote from Oswald Chambers, from the book, “My Utmost For His Highest.” I believe the Lord is using very painful circumstances in your life to help you to grow in right relationship with Him and with your husband, and this quote might help to explain a part of how He is doing that.

    He writes that our calling, as His children, is to be “made into broken bread and poured out wine. God can never make us wine if we object to the fingers He uses to crush us with. If God would only use His own fingers, and make me broken bread and poured-out wine in a special way! But when He uses someone whom we dislike, or some set of circumstances to which we said we would never submit, and makes those the crushers, we object. We must never choose the scene of our own martyrdom. If ever we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes. Grapes become wine only when they have been squeezed. I wonder what kind of finger and thumb God has been using to squeeze you?”

    “…We have to be adjusted into God before we can be broken bread in His hands. Keep right with God and let Him do what He likes, and you will find that He is producing the kind of bread and wine that will benefit His other children as well.”

    What I’ve found is that it’s one thing to SAY we are children of God and that we have a personal relationship with the Living God, and that we pray, and it’s another to actually live in right relationship with Him and listen and obey, as well as speak to Him.

    There’s a song I like that is sung by Wayne Watson called “I’m Growing.” It’s really helped me through the times when God has had to “knock out the bottom boards” of my life, and times he’s used “others I’ve objected to” in order to do that. The chorus says, “I’m growing but I don’t like it. I’m growing, and it hurts. I love you, but I’m tired. I guess I’ve got a lot to learn. I guess I’ve got a lot to learn.” And that’s sure been true for me. It sure IS true of me. I’m growing… but it hurts.

    The painful times have been the growing times. But in the end, God has shown me that because of those growing times in which I have yielded, He is able to shine through me without interruption in a way that not only helps me, but others, and most importantly, His Kingdom work! I can’t praise Him enough for it.

    I pray for you and for your husband and your son. You’ve received some great advice and support from Lynne and LT and Amber, and MB and others. We’re all standing behind you, believing God for outstanding miracles and growth in your life and marriage. I love how you are reaching out to others on this web site as well. God has allowed this web site to be a platform for an International community of people, who reach out for help, care for one another, share together, and love each other because of the love of God. We praise God for that!

    Please know that all of us love you and are praying for you, in community with the Lord. “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!” (Romans 15:5-6)