TO WIVES: Why Is Sex So Important?

What kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends —the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.

Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired

Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:

I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.

The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational women. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.

One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”

Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex. “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.

This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.

Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence

Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.

By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.

One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying —it’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”

Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact, but failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.

But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures and seems to make everything else better.”

Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”

As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”

Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try, and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow… and I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”

Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.

Here’s what the men themselves said on the survey:

• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing, and if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”

• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED, ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”

• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”

This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.

Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.

If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.

The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”

A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:

We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.

…If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well… that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?

First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.

And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!

…I recognize that some women might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs, but feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.

Make sex a priority

An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue—and provides an important challenge to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:

I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”

If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.

I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day… Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.

Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.

… Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge you: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.

Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.


This article comes from the terrific book,  For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men -written by Shaunti Feldhahn, published by Multnomah. This is a GREAT book, which helps women learn what motivates men and their thought processes behind their actions (or non-actions). Shaunti had interviewed over 1000 men in researching this book. She reveals the findings of her research brought out so that women can better understand the men in their lives and better interact with them.

There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, in small groups, or for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many women, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.

-ALSO-

There was a Revive Our Hearts radio broadcast series that aired a while ago where Nancy DeMoss interviewed Shaunti Feldhahn and Barbara Rainey on this same subject. We believe you would greatly benefit from reading the transcripts. To do so, click onto the Reviveourhearts.com links provided below to first listen to “What Do Men Need” (and then from there, go on to listen to “Words He Can Hear” and “Understanding His Needs” and then, “Delighting in Marriage”):

WHAT DO MEN NEED?

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513 responses to “TO WIVES: Why Is Sex So Important?

  1. My husband is frustrated with me again and again. Still. I am hurting him deeply, but it is not intentional. I am now pouring over articles, etc. to better understand what I’ve done to him. I am sick about it. We’ve been married 22 years and do love each other. MY problem is that I haven’t had an orgasm in at least 20 years. I tell doctors. They are baffled. My husband tries relentlessly to give me the same enjoyment he experiences. He wants that for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I’m missing- but it doesn’t bother me. Wow- does it bother him. Now I understand better how he feels defeated and hurts his masculinity. We still make love (2-3 times a week) because I know it is important to him. Obviously I have something wrong with me. Yes, we’ve tried “toys” etc. I almost don’t know what it feels like to get aroused. It stinks.

    This article hits it on the head. I want to change but don’t know how. I truly pray for a miracle. I’ve been to counseling but he’s not jazzed about the idea of going together, when I bring it up.

  2. Why so much emphasis on males? You know, females have problems with their husbands not wanting sex as well.

    1. There are plenty of online articles about men not wanting sex. It could be pretentious of me but my feeling is that there are more articles about men not getting enough sex because the sex-drive-bias is make orientated. I also get the impression from reading this and other articles that my women cope without sex in the short to medium term whereas men don’t cope very well, which is one of the things that this article is saying.

      1. So why argue about this? It’s obvious that sex will not only improve your husband’s life in every area of his life, but most importantly, his overall interactions with his wife. After all, God made woman for man, not the other way around. Ever heard of the saying “Behind every married man, there is a strong woman?” So even though your married man is the focus point of this article, you cannot exclude the importance of the wife, because she is an asset to making his life “go”.

        Listen ladies, God knew what he was doing when he created man first, then woman second. It’s noteworthy to not discount this equation, and the results. Changing it can be a devastating blow. With that being said, I am not just talking about sex.

    2. I think that it’s our most important need, next to being respected. This comes without merit to our actions. Is he being appreciated in another area? Have you asked him? Ladies, Self Help books contain a wealth of knowledge concerning the behavior of people, but it’s not the only source. Don’t get me wrong, I thank God for impressing on someone’s heart to write books to help people interact. But closed mouths don’t get fed. Wives, and husbands alike, just ask. Don’t assume.

    3. I cannot comment on your second response, except to read what I wrote in response to someone else’s post. To answer your question, this is supposed to be a male driven society. Men are out front. However the paradigm has shifted to where women want to be seen more and not just heard. This is fine. However, competition comes affixed to it. By nature, men are not competitive in this aspect, at least from my point. Again, if You fellas agree you can attest to this. We only compete with other men. This is only reduced to a sport or a common interest among men.

      Women, this is not to discount you, we are not competitive towards you naturally, so don’t try to drive us that way. Hence for the emphasis. Somehow, I believe that added to the scuffle of the first sin mankind committed, had a little competition in it.

      1. John probably doesn’t get enough sex. It has probably been reduced to a physical need, which is not John’s fault. He is very much in tune with what he needs. If this is not the issue, then he must not be heard in another area of his needs. I can only speak for myself, other men you can attest to this, but I’m not picky. But women, you can’t pick and choose what needs of your husband you will fulfill. We certainly would not do that to you. At least I can speak for myself. Fellas, again you can attest to this. I really do not think I am wrong either.

  3. Most men just need to grow up and stop thinking that sex is the end all/be all. God’s first comment was that it is not good for man to be alone. Man/mankind was made for companionship first. In order 1. man leave parents 2. man CLEAVE to his wife -the word cleave is to be loyal, to stick together, to be a team like glue, and then lastly, 3. to be one flesh. And ‘one flesh’ has emotional, spiritual and physical meaning, not just sex. We live in a sex crazed society and a man puts sex as number one, he has created an idol. If he masturbates, he’s making himself an idol. What wife would want to have sex with such a man???

    This is just more media propaganda to try and make people (both married and single) to bow down and worship ‘sex’.

    1. Dan, Sounds like you’re in your 50’s and have no testosterone left in your body. I’m serious… that was not to put you down. Men start having less and less testosterone after the age of 25. Some men need to grow up but for others who are grown up and respect woman and their wife such as myself need to have sex, or an emotional attachment is necessary for us.

      I love this article; it’s so true. I’ve always had a high sex drive, doesn’t mean I’m going to cheat on my wife, just means sex is a very important topic in my marriage. Just as honesty, trust and commitment are. This is how I found this site. I’m in my late 30’s and go to the gym and exercise regularly. Please don’t judge those who have high testosterone naturally and who require a woman who desires them and wants them 2-3 times a week whether it be love making or just plain sex. -CK

    2. Yes, to cleave unto the wife, it’s an emotional, physical and spiritual thing. What if the wife denies the physical part. That damages or eliminates the emotional part and damages the spiritual part. I can hire a housekeeper to sweep the floors and do laundry, I can hire someone to cook. A nanny for the kids. The only thing that I’m supposed to get from my wife, and no other, is an emotional and sexual relationship.

    3. “And ‘one flesh’ has emotional, spiritual AND physical meaning, not just sex.” Correct, but notice it’s AND not OR. That means, logically, all components (emotional, spiritual and physical) should be present. Failing which, it is an incomplete union. The images of sexuality present in the media is certainly destructive, but is irrelevant to the importance of sex in marriage.

    4. Really! Because if a man masturbates he’s an idiot? Maybe your the idiot; some of us get rejected by our lover that we are supposed to stand beside. So instead of cheating we MASTURBATE, IDIOT!!! It’s this kind of thinking that makes me wonder why we’re even alive in this society… Some people, I swear.

  4. This article is about me and my wife it seems. She has time for everyone in the world except for me. Our sexual relationship is limited to an hour a week if I’m lucky and the grand children don’t need a sitter. She’ll leave me sitting like a hot rock to help someone else. It’s the hardest thing in the world for me as I travel for business extensively and when I’m in a restaurant or an airport and another woman tries to chat me up, it’s hard to resist if she seems interested in what I think and actually wants to participate in a conversation.

    When I try to talk about our relationship, she gets defensive and wants to argue, it’s a never ending cycle. She’ll talk about the kids or what happened at work, the in-laws but there’s no discussion about us. We’re nearing 50 but I still have dreams and visions for the future but I don’t get a vote in it. I’m going to email the link to the article and see if she’ll read it.

    1. Seems she resents you for something! She may be quick to jump to another issue or help someone else to avoid hearing you whine about sex. It gets old for us ladies and perhaps she is quite bored with it all. Love is not sex. Don’t confuse the too. She most likely loves you very much, but she is not your sex servant. Why not try to be interested in her needs instead of focusing on your need.

      1. I have recently turned my life around by submitting to God’s will to serve my husband in everything and by doing this I ultimately glorify God. My husband has been in a dull, sexless marriage as I put everyone before him and felt he pestered me constantly for sex, which made me push him away. This led to him sexting another women. This is hardly surprising; he has needs.

        I have forgiven him. It has been a wake up call to me. I’ve now fully turned our relationship around by allowing him to love me when he wants, which is frequent, but is now bonding our relationship and increasing my libido. I’m glad a had the chance to make an effort and save my marriage. We’re both happy and close now.

        Ladies, serve your husband in the sexual department and you’ll have a happy, rewarding marriage. The Bible states that we should always be a available to each other in marriage so you won’t be tempted. I’ve been ill and used every excuse in the book, but not anymore.

        1. Thanks Clare, for sharing your testimony. This is the same wake up call I had a number of years ago. Thankfully, the years of my husband having to fight off extra temptations (because of my selfism) is over. We all have our types of temptations, but I added a sexually-oriented, and intimacy related pile on top for my husband. I came to realize that I was acting like a dictator in our bedroom, denying him for this reason or that (which all seemed logical to me), but ignoring his needs. There needs to be some giving and taking on both sides at times, but with us, and with you, it was more of our taking our position as the way things would be, without giving consideration to our husband’s needs.

          And yes, I found the same thing to be true. When I stopped withholding, my libido increased too. Plus, the intimacy and closeness it brought, in addition, can’t be compared to anything we ever had before. Thank you Lord, for the wake up calls You give to us! I’m just so thankful that I paid attention and responded in the way I did. I thank God that you are experiencing the same thing. Thank you for sharing your testimony. May it inspire many.

          1. Thanks Cindy, I’m glad this has been the case for you too. I was concentrating on all other areas of my Christian walk and totally neglecting my husband. My children consumed everything for me. May more Christian women concentrate on this area to cement their marriage.

      2. The trouble is that members of each gender commonly perceive love through their lens, and forget that their spouse may be using a different lens altogether. Men perceive love through sexual intimacy, women perceive love through emotional intimacy. As a result, women who don’t look beyond their own lenses can’t understand why men consider sex to be a such big deal. My wife once asked me why we couldn’t just forget about sex, after all, she said, we married for love and not for sex. I’m not going to describe the shock and sinking feeling I got from hearing that remark, but that is the level of disconnect some of us men have to deal with from our wives. And reading your similarly very insensitive and selfish remark kind of brought it all back to me.

      3. Jenny you must know that some men sacrifice a great deal to avoid depression. 15 yrs no sex. My wife stays at home 25 yrs of 30 yrs marriage. 4 children. My spare time fifteen yrs of house work & running a business to keep happy. Only one love in my life, 52 years old. Teacher on Sunday 25 yrs. All my emotional love comes from our children, two now gone, almost a third. I read a lot!

    2. Not sure if you’ll see this Tom, but I was wondering about your wife’s reaction to getting the link to this article. Did it help or hurt your situation? Thanks!

  5. I agree with United States. I have been married for 14 years now and I remember fighting with my husband for the first 5 years about him not wanting sex. I have even asked him why he had married me. It got even worst when I got pregnant for the first time and even worst after my 3rd child. Now I wonder if I even want to continue my life with him as I am no getting any sex at all. It is very interesting how women should have to give in all the time but when it’s men, that’s another story… Women also need to feel needed and respected in bed and out.

    1. I have struggled like you, Canada. I also asked my husband why he married me. We have a large family, so it appears this part of our life is healthy, but it is not. I made a vow early in our marriage to NEVER say no to him, and complied with his wishes when he became convicted that birth control was not Biblical. I thought my submission was what he wanted, and would heal whatever the problem was. It did not. After the birth of our sixth child, sex stopped completely. I discovered later he was fooling around with a 24 y.o. from our church who was supposed to be my friend and was helping with the children. I forgave him, have maintained by God’s grace a position committed to never bringing this up to him. He sometimes attacks me verbally and accuses me of bringing it up, but I honestly never have.

      I have never been allowed to approach him – he warned me off early in our marriage. So I just wait for him. Years ago, it was hard physically for me, but now I’m free of it. I wonder if he has a problem with so many months- recently nearly a year – going by between times, but I’m not supposed to talk about it, and I’m not supposed to approach him. This is not what I hoped for, not what I once needed, but after 30 years I’m almost past caring. I know this is an essential component of marriage, but there is nothing I can do to help this situation.

      I too have looked for articles, information and help for women whose husband’s don’t want sex, but there is nothing. Sadly, we had a good sex life before we married but afterwards it fizzled and I’ve never been able to figure out why. I’ve spent years praying God would intervene and bring about a closer bond between us, but this has never happened. I have come to understand more about how deeply introverted my husband is, and I suppose I may have overwhelmed and intimidated him.

      But, believe me, if you met him you’d never think this guy could be intimidated by much. I am very thankful for our seven children, and my husband has been a good provider. But this has been a sore disappointment to me, and I feel I have failed miserably in this area, though I don’t know why.

      1. You’re emotionally abused by your husband. It’s slowly killing you emotionally if he hasn’t done it already. Are you walking around with a smile on your face and crying or worse – feel nothing inside? God never intended for women to be treated like that by their husbands. He made them to be strong and protectors of their wife and that includes her emotions.

    2. I agree and I sympathize with wives whose husbands don’t want sex. I’m sorry for your heartbreaking situation.

  6. I think sex is overrated. The purpose of sex was originally procreation. Nothing in the Bible talks about sex for enjoyment, fulfilment and all these other so called benefits.

    1. You haven’t read Song of Songs (Song of Solomon)

      It speaks of the importance of sex between a husband and wife. It clearly doesn’t say sex is merely for procreation. It paints a pretty vivid picture that sex is something to be enjoyed, savored and enthusiastically embraced by a husband and wife.

      1. A-men, Tony!! Danny, the other thing I think you may have missed in your reading of the Bible is 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 which tells us, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

        I hope this helps you, Danny, in your view of marital sex.

        1. Steve you are of course right about that quote from Corinthians, and anyone who claims to have read the Bible in its entirety would know of the existence of this passage (not just sexless husbands looking desperately for biblical justification to nudge their wives in the right direction :)). However, as with my comment to Tony, many believers cherrypick what they like from the Bible, and some will probably even point the finger back at you or I to say we are also cherrypicking such passages to support our selfish interests. In the end, nothing terribly useful is achieved by pointing to such scripture. If the targets wanted to internalize such scripture and obey them, they would already have done so without much prompting.

      2. Yes the Bible does say that, but I for one believe that most believers will read the Bible and cherrypick whatever they like and turn a blind eye to whatever they don’t. Call that a human frailty or whatever, excuse it from the mountain tops, but in the end people will find a way to bend scripture to their own proclivities. Sad but true.

    2. As Steve and Tony have already correctly pointed out, this is false. However, I do not disagree with the usefulness of assuming you are correct. For those of us in sexless marriages, with little hope for changing the attitudes of our wives, it is best we don’t attach too much importance to sex, as that would serve no purpose than to drag us down for the rest of our natural lives.

  7. I was wanting to research this subject to better understand my feelings on the subject. While some of the responses are very well written with valid points some are completely ridiculous! Many keep pointing to the Bible. I am a Christian woman and I do not believe our reason for being is to soley take care of, support, and submit to our husbands.

    I cannot believe that was God’s reason for our creation. I understand sex is important to a marriage, but what angers me is that it seems to be the only part of marriage worth complaining about. From what I have read there will never be a meeting in the middle on the subject. Men will continue to be angry at their wives for not wanting sex whenever the mood strikes them, and women will never understand why the need is so strong that it shadows EVERY other aspect of the marriage.

    I believe my husband and myself are people of worth with our own identities. I will never be the kind of person to bend blindly to someone’s will. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I believe we are all worth more than how much sex and pleasure we bring to a marriage.

    This article as well meaning as it was, just made men sound so weak they can’t have a good marriage or fulfilling life without abundant frequent sex, and made women sound petty and cold. I married for a life partner, not to aquire a master.

    1. Wow you shouldnt speak for all women. There are thousands of women in sexless marriages and they hate it. Wives married to low libido men complain and want to get divorce because their husbands don’t give them sex. You need to search sex-starved wives or low libido men or men not wanting sex. Read the women that don’t get sex from their husbands comments. STOP SPEAKING FOR EVERY WOMAN. YOU DON’T KNOW EVERY WOMAN. Read what these Christian women have to say about sex and how important sex is to them.

      Oh and BTW. My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have a great sex life. I denied her sex once and she broke down and cried and was filled with anger. But, we communicated and I never denied her again. We are very happy and blessed. BTW sometimes men deny sex because they are mad or sad or depressed or emotional, not always because of porn or cheating. Women are not always emotional. Everything is not always connected to emotions when it comes to women. A lot of men are very emotional or more emotional then women. GOD bless you.

  8. I left my husband the 4th yr. He had adult kids: ages 19; 23; 30. He had the tendency of repeatedly giving them food, household items, take them out to eat every weekend. We drove the 3 hrs to visit and 3 to return. We never had our honeymoon. When his ex found we married she repeatedly called that “their” kids needed endless visits.

    I was extremely lonely and at one point commented I was lonely and we needed time together. To the point: he gave me attention only when he wanted sex; he never called it love nor intimacy. He spoke or touched on himself stating he was “horny.” This was complete turn offs to me and I began sensing “sex” so filthy and dirty and could not cooperate with him. He even spoke only about “his” private area during sex. I began feeling so dirty. His talk was describing his private area and when over he would get up, shower; and neglect me until he needed me again.

    The first 4 yrs were abusive physically, verbally, and he behaved like Mr Mocho. I finally left him. I was advised by a priest to leave only for some time. I really believed he didn’t love me and only wanted me as a sex object. There is so much more to tell.

  9. I agree that sexual relations in a marriage is very important. I’ve been married for 20 years now and we do have a healthy sex life. We have sex daily. We have a family together and we are busy like everyone else. Thing is ladies, my husband works out in the gym and he’s in amazing shape in his 40’s. We take care of our bodies and stay healthy, which helps in the physical side of our relationship. Also, we have educated ourselves on pleasing each other sexual. That helped greatly, as well.

    It shouldn’t be all about the husband and his orgasm. It doesn’t state anywhere in the scriptures about only pleasing the man. Just because you’re a Christian wife doesn’t mean that you’re a servant or lesser than your husband. It can be enjoyable with your husband. No woman wants to feel pressured into a sex “duty” for her husband. That’s a turn off.

    1. Best response I’ve read on here. It seems like all these men feel entitled to sex and satisfying their own needs. But they should consider that women get turned off to sex with unattractive men, unhygienic men and men who don’t make any effort sexually or emotionally to stimulate her mind and men that they are bored with.

      Nothing more off putting than a begging man with a paunch, a slob that won’t pick up his own socks but expects to use your vagina for a ‘masturbation’ in sex that you find boring, and a chore. Most men turn off the TV and expect penetration in 5 minutes. Disgusting.

      However a clean man with a good body a cheeky sense of humour outside the bedroom, who does his share…has a better chance of turning a woman on.

  10. I very much agree with what I’ve read. My wife is one of those women that make me feel like crap when it comes to sex. We’ve been together for almost 25 years now. She hasn’t told me she loved me for about 8 years now. There’s times I wonder why I go on. I finally gave up telling her I love her. When I hint to her about sex she always says the same thing; its that all I think about. There’s no compassion towards me. It’s all her way and if I don’t like it too bad. She seems to care less what I need. I even bought a home for her and me. I’m growing tired of it all.

    1. Tony I sympathize and empathize with you. You need to start taking care of you. Please see my long post on the subject.

  11. So what if I agree? My wife will likely never read this, she has had 14-15 years to get a clue. And if perchance she did, she would just pretend not to have read it. She reads the Bible and prays everyday, but she has no problem pretending sex is a low priority item in the marriage, nor excusing her lack of interest at every turn.

    Look guys, honestly, if you’re in this position, salvage your dignity and bear the situation like men, which is to say, stop begging your wives for sex and stop spending your precious time trying. Instead, think gleefully of all that extra time that can be plowed back into your other hobbies. And we’re not just talking about actual sex time but also all the time you would have needed to spend prepping and wooing her into bed. And if you make it clear to her that you’ll never bother her with your sexual needs anymore, that can be worth a lot in terms of getting out of other things you do not wish to do, or getting into things you wish to do.

    Don’t enjoy those weekly visits to your in-laws? Perhaps you could negotiate it such that you only have to make an appearance once a fortnight. Want to start playing video games on a Saturday evening? That too can be negotiated. Note I’m not suggesting to neglect your manly duties around the house or going out and committing adultery or watching porn because that would run counter to being a responsible man, but I think it would be within your rights as a sexless husband to reclaim some time to do other things that interest you. So be creative and think about how you can make a potentially depressing situation work out more happily for you. Some of you might think of this advice as completely giving up, and I guess you could interpret it that way, but at some point you have to be realistic about what’s achievable and what’s not, and set about salvaging things as best as you can.

    I will also make a comment about what was quoted from Today’s Christian Woman article about the wife who was doing virtually every other thing that the husband did not ask for but not the one thing he did yearn for. That was totally my experience as well. It’s as if she’s saying: “Look I’m doing all these other things, that should be enough to excuse me from giving you any sex!” Look guys, if most of these things are not what you care about or asked for, then you are getting a pretty raw deal. Because the credit you’re supposed to be getting from not having gotten sex is now being spent, without your explicit consent, on things you don’t care about, and you’re supposed to accept the diversion as being mutually satisfactory! You will need to stand up for yourself and start directing that credit toward things you do care about, such as the examples I gave in the previous paragraph.

    So best and sincere wishes to all of us in this similar situation! Always remember to treat yourself properly even if no one else feels the need to do so.

  12. I am facing the same issue with my wife. In Africa women that were born in early years till 80s have been circumcised to reduce their sexual libido, which my wife was unfortunately circumcised. The first year of my marriage we explored ourselves sexually. Immediately she had our first and second child, and her sexual life drastically reduced so that I had to beg for sex all the time. At this point I am tired of begging my wife for sex. She often rejects me. I am Christian and honestly I am tempted to look some where else for sexual partner. WHAT DO I DO?

    1. Dear George, First I want to empathize with you because as a man with a healthy libido I know you have physical/sexual needs; and as a Christian man/husband you know you can’t go outside of your marriage to satisfy those needs. You mentioned that your wife was “circumcised” as a girl which reduced her “sexual libido.” I never knew much about this practice until I researched it tonight.

      The more accurate term is Female Genital Mutilation (FGM). Just the name sends chills down my spine; but when I saw pictures of what girls/women go through in this procedure it is nothing less than barbaric and cruel, to say the least. If my wife went through that I would weep for the pain she endured as a child and continues to endure as an adult. If you have never studied what this “procedure” is and what it does to the woman – not just physically, but psychologically as well – then go to these two links: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_genital_mutilation and http://www.african-women.org/FGM/consequences.php. They are not as graphic as some web sites, but you can read and hopefully come away with a better understanding of what your wife goes through even all these years later.

      I know there are women who withhold sex from their husbands because they just don’t feel like “giving it to him,” or they aren’t “in the mood.” But I sincerely believe the reason your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you is because of the extreme physical and emotional pain she endures before, during and after. Honestly George, knowing what I do now about FGM, I don’t think I could ever, in good conscience ask my wife to have sex with me if she had endured that.

      I realize I am not in your position and God hasn’t given me this “test.” I say, test, because I want to ask you to pray about something. I know you’re a Christian so I am pretty sure you are familiar with the passage in Ephesians, chapter 5, verses 25 & 26: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word…” So, just as Christ died to His desires, George, is he asking you to sacrifice your desires (die to your wants) for your wife?

      Besides laying down your physical life to protect your wife from harm, I can think of no greater sacrifice a husband could willingly surrender to God than his desire for intercourse with his wife. There are also alternatives to intercourse in making love. Here’s a web site that we refer people to a lot that offers some suggestions: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2014/03/sexual-pleasure-beyond-intercourse/.

      Now here is the penetrating question I want you to take to God: Is it possible that God chose you (George) very specifically to be the husband to your wife because He knew you are the man who could love God’s daughter (your wife) like He loves her? God knew before the beginning of time what would happen to your wife and that she would need a very special man who could love her in spite of what she couldn’t “give” her husband. I believe you are God’s choice servant for this mission and I believe God has brought you to this crossroad now, so you can surrender your pain and desires to Him as an offering of praise…to be a living sacrifice and to take your stand that NOTHING can separate you from the love of God and the love for your wife.

      I am praying for you, George. I’m praying too that there will come a day that you will return to our web site and post your testimony so other men can see what God can do when we find ourselves in desperate circumstances. ~ Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

  13. This is a perfect example of why the apostle Paul said that it is better to be SINGLE!! And nowhere in the Bible will you find a verse saying blessed is the WOMAN who finds a husband or she that finds a husband finds a good thing!!! Ladies if you are still single stay that way!!!! The Lord is the ONLY groom worth waiting for!!!!!!!

  14. So women have to seek ‘professional help’ because they don’t want sex. Men experience overwhelming anxiety, depression, isolation, etc., etc. but that’s the woman’s fault too? How about he seek professional help rather than burden the woman?

  15. I think that many wives don’t understand how frequently their husbands feel rejected. During one of our many fights about lack of sex, my wife claimed that she never rejects me. I told her that she has rejected me hundreds of times before I even have a chance to initiate. All day long she will grumble about how tired she is and she just can’t wait to go to sleep that night. REJECTED. I already know at that point that she has no desire for me sexually. If I initiate, she would likely allow sex out of a sense of duty, but her heart would be far from me the whole time.

    I hate that. I hate one sided sex. I hate feeling selfish. I hate feeling like I’m one step away from a rapist.

    I am very jealous of her ability to have no sexual desire and live her life without it. I can’t help finding her sexually arousing, I can’t help wanting and needing physical intimacy with her. I can’t help needing to feel desired by her. But she can just live her life without any of those distractions. I have wished for years that I could just be castrated so my libido would go away and I could be on the same page with her sexually.

    But, all I can do is suffer through this nightmare. I’ve taken her to marriage counseling. She thought it was stupid. She wanted to stop going after just a few visits. I’ve tried to talk to her outside of counseling, and she says that I just have unrealistic expectations and I need to get over it.

    At this point I feel that all I can do is wait for one of us to die. Either I will eventually die, and then I will be home with the Lord and won’t care about sex anymore, or she will die and maybe I will have a chance to remarry to someone who cares about my needs.

    1. Hello JCorolla, I cannot help but respond to your very well expressed text on an issue which can be a major wedge between husbands and wives. As a man, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. Beyond horrible!! I think you are right, many wives really do not understand this. I remember reading the following somewhere… “Men need sex to feel loved, while women desire sex WHEN they feel loved” or words to that effect. This made sense to me. You do NOT have unrealistic needs… you are a man!! But your wife is in a completely different place. My heart goes out to you… really!! However, you do need to try and put yourself in your wife’s shoes… as hard as that is… it will certainly help when she feels that you are really trying to understand her. Your wife clearly has no idea how you are feeling… not a clue.

      I would like to refer you to the link below. The site to which it leads I found to be extremely good. Perhaps share this with your wife and tell her you do not want this to happen to you? But that you feel you are well down this road already? See what you think… http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage

      I can imagine what you are going through is Awful!! This link here below might also be interesting for you http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/02/29-days-to-great-sex-day-1-the-act-of-marriage/

      Perhaps initiate in a completely different way. Try something completely new. I will pray for you, because I fully appreciate what you are dealing with.

      One more comment, I’m not asking for an answer here, I’m only stating a question for you to research for yourself: Is your wife on any kind of medication? This can have an effect on libido. Perhaps a hormonal imbalance? That can have the same effect. Perhaps a medical checkup would be a good idea? Could be a purely physical thing. Perhaps a traumatic event in her youth? That could kill sexual interest too.

      One other comment if I may. Perhaps you can consider having your wife read your own comments of January 17, 2016 at 6:00 am? These are clearly from your heart. Also the comments at the beginning of this site. They are very good. Let me know how you are getting along? If OK for you? I hope to hear from you soon… WP (Work in Progress)

      1. WP, thank you for the thoughtful response. I have actually already shared both of those sites (and some others) with her. She just glances at it, skims through, and usually fights with me because I have brought up the subject again.

        As for a physical, I tried that. I convinced her to see her doctor because I wanted to have her checked for a hormonal imbalance. Her doctor actually laughed, and told her that she’s just tired. She took a blood sample and sent it to the lab. I saw the report; it didn’t test for anything related to sex hormones. I was pretty upset. Not only did she not test for hormones, but I had to pay for a wasted doctor visit.

        I still keep pushing for a hormone check and we made an appointment with a gynecologist. And, as my misfortune would have it, between when we made the appointment and when she could finally get in, she managed to get pregnant during one of the rare times we had sex. So, it will probably be at least another year or so before we can get an accurate test of her baseline hormone levels. Obviously any testing during pregnancy would be a waste of time.

        Oh, and I just want to clarify about my last comment mentioning that death is my only hope: I am NOT suicidal. Just want to clear that up in case anyone reading thinks that. I just believe that waiting for natural death is my only option.

        1. Hi JCorolla, Wow!! Pretty difficult!! I wish I had a helpful answer… I didn’t think you were suicidal. Prayer and patience are the only things I can think of… I know prayer is powerful. Do you have other friends with whom you can at least talk and share? I hope so… Other than this difference, is your relationship “OK?” Do you get along well? Are you basically happy with each other? Would this child be your first? I hope to hear from you again… WP

    2. My heart broke when I read this JCorolla. I’m not Christian but my significant other is and I have suffered my entire childhood from sexual abuse. Everything else aside, when I feel like I just can’t, I’m going to read your story and I’m going to do it. I don’t want him to languish like this. I hope with everything in me that she comes around. I’m so sorry for you.

      1. Hi Kish, Your words are so thoughtful! I have also had the same as you for part of my childhood, but it CAN be overcome with God’s help (I know this because I experienced it myself). I hope J reads your text.
        Perhaps this website will be of help: Your husband will love you forever, I can promise you!! Talk with him, tell him how you feel, that never fails in the long run!
        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
        Thank you!!! WP (Work in Progress)

  16. Why is it that we are supposed to be so concerned with making sure a man’s feelings are so protected, that their confidence should be bolstered at all times? If he is unconcerned with the feelings of his wife, why then should we value sex?

    1. How do you think Jesus would answer your question? Are our actions supposed to be motivated by what WE get out of them? What did you promise in your wedding vows about loving your spouse… did you attach conditional clauses to your vows before you said them? What does “going the extra mile” and “serving one another” and doing “nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” mean? Are there conditional clauses attached? I understand why we WANT to attach conditional clauses; it’s understandable in our nature to feel that way, but again, what would do you think Jesus would have us do?

    2. Jena, I don’t know your husband, but I can say that if he’s concerned about your sexual relationship, he has at least some concerns for your emotions. His view of it is likely along the lines of “why am I not good enough for her? Why does she hate me? Why am I such a loser? She would be better off if I died/left/divorced. She deserves better than me.” I think you underestimate the emotional toll it takes on a man if he feels like his wife finds him unattractive, uninteresting, repulsive, etc. Much the same as you likely feel about him not meeting your emotional needs.

      I have had times when I was so fed up with my wife not caring about my needs that (much to my shame) I deliberately ignored her emotional needs. It was a situation where I wanted vengeance. I wanted to treat her as badly as I felt treated by her.

      It was evil and wrong of me, but I think a lot of guys get to this point. They just give up on their wives. They reach a point where they just get tired of putting effort into a wife who doesn’t care and they give up and decide that they may as well be selfish and get some kind of gratification from the relationship.

      Is it right? Absolutely not. However, from a guy who has been there and done that, I can say that what you perceive as a lack of care about your emotions is likely a defense mechanism he has built over time to shield himself from further emotional difficulties.

      Anyway, I’m not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I’m just trying to show the issue from the other person’s point of view.

      1. Hi JCorolla, I read this post after entering my earlier post to you… my last questions are clearly already answered.

        Jena, JCorolla’s comments are well written from a man’s point of view. It’s very painful to feel rejected… But I can follow your side as well…

        Seems that both sides of most marriages want the same thing… to be loved and valued… to have our needs met. Just to be loved and to have a soft place to fall… and to be understood. Perhaps if we would say to our spouse, “You tell me what I need to do to make life better for you,” and then act on the answer(s) given… that eventually/hopefully our spouses hearts would soften and they would meet us somewhere in the middle. Without God, these things are impossible. With God all things are possible… WP

  17. This is a sexist article. Most men do not meet any of the emotional needs of woman and expect them to just so read their legs at the man’s wim. Sex is just a domineering motion. In fact most woman are abused in some form especially amongst Christian men. My pastor actually told me that I should be the doormat (in those exact words) no matter how my husband treats me I must respond correctly. I was having sex regularly with my husband and he was trying more and more deviant things on me. I then found out that he was into porn before I met him. He told me it was my fault even though it started before I met him. He also calls me derogatory terms such as a tart, whore and tells me I am stupid. He recenly just sent this article to me to prove why I ‘have to’ have sex. Well I refuse. Because men think everything revolves around their penis and their testosterone doesn’t mean we woman have to put up with it. It’s the oldest story that men tell woman that it makes them feel loved. Just another tool to manipulate woman into doing what they want. What about tge fact that woman not being expected to have sex or being seen as sex objects makes them feel loved. Oh I forgot woman where created for men so we must take what gets dished out. Well not this woman. He can go find some brainwashed woman to go sleep with.

    1. WOW! Just the fact that you throw all men in the same basket of being emotionally deviate and selfish shows how sexist your comment is. Yes, there are men like that. And yes, there are women who are tighter than a drum as far as horrible attitudes on sex, being selfish, as well. But not all men are this way and not all women are this way. I’m sorry this is your experience –truly. It shouldn’t be. But please beware of spreading your toxic talk. Get help to work through your bitterness –not spew it onto others poisoning their attitudes, as well.

      1. You are 100% right that not all men are like this but how about having some compassion for someone that is being abused?

        1. Very true Kellie… Of course the person abused needs to be recognized and valued! I am very sorry about this… terrible really. What Jessica has been subjected to is NOT OK… for sure not! As a man, I am embarrassed! I sincerely hope that Jessica finds a man more worthy of her. It’s true that many men do fall short in this area, simply because they don’t understand a woman’s viewpoint… To the women I would ask, “Help us men to understand you better!” Must be hard for you… sorry… coming from a man.

    2. Jessica, As a man… I am sincerely sorry that you have been subjected to such abuse. I am embarassed to read your words. I can understand your anger! Please also note that you need to manage your anger and get free from it… you will end up hurting yourself while the guilty men will know nothing of your anguish!! Please believe me when I tell you that not all men are like this. You do NOT have to take whatever the men dish out, and you do NOT have to put up with anything less than proper respect!

      As a Christian man I do NOT agree with your pastor’s advice. Scripture tells the MEN (not the women) to love their spouse (wife of course) as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her…” I would always check any advice given you against Scripture… and… I’m sincerely sorry for the nonsense to which you have been subjected. We on this site are all with you! Men and women! Hope you come back again… WP (Work on Progress)

  18. This seems awful. Sometimes I’m in the mood and he isn’t so I have to accept that. But this topic is inferring that women should be subservient to their husbands every whim and fancy. Albeit there may be issues from our menstrual flow pregnancy surgeries. If we say if we’re not in the mood tonight we’re considered cold and frigid disrespectful and sending our husbands into a deep depression. As women we there enough weight on our shoulders.

    I had a major live ripped off of my body and three days later my husband wished to make love to me. I was not in the mood not to mention the medicine tired me out. But according to the author if I was looking for for my husband he would suffer greatly even more so than I was. Making love also involves compassion and sincerity. What loser writes a whole article about how women should make love their husbands in a proper fashion. Thank God my husband isn’t demanding like that and what we have is mutual respect and love and compassion for each other and not demands and guilt for not being able to perform at the drop of a hat. Sex is a big part of life but is not the only part.

    1. Hi Madam M, As a man I can completely understand the point you make: “But this topic is inferring that women should be subservient to their husbands every whim and fancy,” which I would say is not quite true. Of course, any reasonable man would understand that during the menstrual cycle, or when she is very tired, etc. etc, the wife should be able to say “no” in a nice way without feeling guilty or pressured.

      While I agree with the content of the article as a man, I can see that this can place a lot of pressure on the women as you describe. What would make it easier for us men is to say “no” in such a way that we are confident that we are not being rejected, that you do find us physically desirable. This of course can be communicated during the times you are intimate. Be creative with us, Surprise us! Perhaps when you are tired or not in the mood, you would say, “no” with an arrangement for a date 1 or 2 days later, or whatever suits you both. Then, of course, please be sure to keep your arrangement. I thought the article expressed thoughts we have as men very well. The following is particularly true: “A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you.”

      While you may not understand this, please take it to heart and demonstrate that you care. Of course, the women should have the room and freedom to say “no” as described above. But if you go that extra mile, your man is far more able to be the husband you want him to be. And if you re empowering him in this way, you will be happier, and the two will feed each other in a positive way. WP (Work in Progress)

  19. Interesting! Not surprised! Astounding remarks through a man eyes, lack of communication plays a big key factor in making love and sharing your most taboo desires in having downright dirty raw sex, that both are comfortable with! Expressing what feels Good and exploring each other’s body, what or not turns you on! Great Sex, Awesome Sex! Explicit Sex or however you describe it is shared between two consenting adults willing to open up and discuss what feels right between the two of you!

  20. My wife has never in 68 (almost 69) years of marriage touched me in a sexual way. She has refused to let me perform any unusual sexual performances saying it isn’t the right thing to do. She has often made the statement that I can’t kiss and make normal love without having sex. So about 30 years ago I lost it with sex. I couldn’t get a climax for over 20 years then I got so I couldn’t get it hard to make an entry so for the past 10 years we haven’t touched one another, I gave up completely. I love my wife very much but their’s no sex. I’m not even sure we could have sex now, I don’t think I’m capable.

    1. Wow. :( So what now? Are you “happy” with this state of things? Have you tried to see if you ARE capable? Have you asked for outside help with this? You have nothing to lose!
      WP (Work in Progress)

  21. There is a whole lot of truth to this, more than you can fathom. I tried telling my wife that in so many words that, “It’s not going to be the end of the world if the floors don’t get cleaned one weekend,” for example. Sigh. As badly as I wanted to make love to my wife, she lost her desire for sex after having major abdominal surgery and having the last of her ovaries removed 11 years ago. We had sex maybe 4 times in the next 5 years and none after that. I massaged her feet and scratched her back, but she never really returned the intimacy. About 8 to 10 months ago I asked about maybe trying. It was then that she tells me that she never liked sex and that, “If want sex, go get a girlfriend.”

    I really had nothing to say. I was a virgin when I met her in my 30’s and didn’t have much confidence then. Now I’m in my 40’s and have even less and it isn’t even because I’m a slob or anything. I weight lift and run frequently even though I could lose 20 pounds.

    She got diagnosed with cancer and passed away a month ago and I dressed her, bathed her, and helped her as best I could through the nausea/vomiting and had to watch her decline and pass away despite the resentment I felt at being rejected and the resentment at being belittled. The belittling comments got worse as her health got worse and she felt worse and was in more pain. I know I have my issues also and I’m the first to admit that I’m far from perfection.

    But I read this article today and I just wanted to say and I’m somewhat crying as I type this. (1) I feel so guilty for feeling so resentful about not having my needs met and being belittled so much BEFORE she was diagnosed. I was in a different place after she was diagnosed as I turned into primary caregiver and tried to harden myself against hurtful comments. But the resentment was still there even if I didn’t show it or say anything.

    (2) This struck me. I don’t remember every single time she cleaned the floors or cooked, but I remember the last 3 times we made love 5 years ago and I remember the last 3 times love making was rejected and I remember the last time we talked about making love when she said, “I never liked sex,” and “If you want sex, go get a girlfriend.” That hurts to this day.