Wives: what kinds of emotional needs does your sexual interest meet for your husband? Do you know?
In written survey comments and in my interviews, I noticed two parallel trends. They are the great benefits a fulfilling sex life creates in a man’s inner life and, conversely, the wounds created when lovemaking is reluctant or lacking.
Lets look at a few of the benefits.
Benefit #1: Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired
Not surprisingly, the first thing surfaced from the survey comments was that having a regular, mutually enjoyed sex life was critical to the man’s feeling of being loved and desired. One eloquent plea captured it perfectly:
I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.
The reason why this message is needed is that many men —even those with close friendships —seem to live with a deep sense of loneliness that is quite foreign to us oh-so-relational wives. And making love is the purest salve for that loneliness.
One man told me, “I feel like I go out into the ring every day and fight. It’s very lonely. That’s why, when the bell rings, I want my wife to be there for me.”
Another related that sentiment to the power of fulfilling sex: “A man really does feel isolated, even with his wife. But in making love, there is one other person in this world that you can be completely vulnerable with and be totally accepted and non-judged. It is a solace that goes very deep into the heart of a man.”
This is one reason why some men may make advances at times that seem the furthest from sexual. One woman relayed a story about her husband wanting to make love after a funeral for a close relative. Making love was a comfort and a way of being wrapped in her love.
Benefit #2: Fulfilling sex gives him confidence
Your desire for him goes beyond making him feel wanted and loved. Your desire is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being.
By now most of us have seen the television commercials for Viagra. It’s on in which a man’s colleagues for friends repeatedly stop him and ask what’s “different” about him. New haircut? Been working out? Promotion? Nope, the man tells them all, with a little smile.
One man I interviewed brought up those ads. “Every man immediately understands what that commercial is saying. It’s all about guys feeling good about themselves. The ad portrays a truth that all men intuitively recognize. They’re more confident and alive when their sex life is working.”
Once my eyes were opened to this truth, I realized how often I’d heard the “man code” for this fact. But I failed to understand it. When men had told me they “felt better” when they got more sex, I had just assumed they meant physically better.
But as one husband told me, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.” Another wrote, “Sex is a release of a day-to-day pressures. Plus, it seems to make everything else better.”
Wound #1: “If she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
As much as men want sex, most of them would rather go out and clip the hedges in the freezing rain than make love with a wife who appears to be responding out of duty. My husband, Jeff, explained: “The guy isn’t going to be rejected by the hedges. And that’s the issue. If she’s just responding because she has to, he’s being rejected by his wife.”
Again, keeping in mind that what he wants most is for you to desire him, try to see what he wants most is for you to desire him. Try to see this rejection issue from the man’s point of view. If we agree, but don’t make an effort to get really engaged with the man we love, he hears us saying, “You’re incapable of turning me on even when you try. And I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.” On the other hand if we don’t agree at all, but throw out the classic “Not tonight, dear,” he hears, “You’re so undesirable that you can’t compete with a pillow. I really don’t care about what matters deeply to you.”
Although we might just be saying we don’t want sex at that point in time, he hears the much more painful message that we don’t want him.
Here’s what the men said on the survey:
• “She doesn’t understand that I feel loved by sexual caressing. And if she doesn’t want to, I feel incredible rejection.”
• “When she says no, I feel that I am REJECTED. ‘No’ is not no to sex —as she might feel. It is no to me as I am. And I am vulnerable as I ask or initiate. It’s plain and simple rejection.”
• “She doesn’t understand how even her occasional dismissals make me feel less desirable. I can’t resist her. I wish that I, too, were irresistible. She says I am. But her ability to say no so easily makes it hard to believe.”
This feeling of personal rejection, and a sense that his wife doesn’t really desire him, tends to lead a man into darker waters.
Wound #2: your lack of desire can send him into depression.
If your sexual desire gives your husband a sense of well-being and confidence, you can understand why an ongoing perception that you don’t desire him would translate into a nagging lack of confidence, withdrawal, and depression.
The men I talked to scoffed at my tentative suggestion that a string of similar rejections wouldn’t necessarily mean that their wives were rejecting them as men. They warned that any woman sending those signals would undermine the loving environment she wants most. That is because, as one man said, “She is going to have one depressed man on her hands.”
A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex. This is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you. Consider the painful words of this truly deprived husband—words that other men, upon reading them, call “heartbreaking”:
We’ve been married for a long time. I deeply regret and resent the lack of intimacy of nearly any kind for the duration of our marriage. I feel rejected, ineligible, insignificant, lonely, isolated, and abandoned as a result. Not having the interaction I anticipated prior to marriage is like a treasure lost and irretrievable. It causes deep resentment and hurt within me. This in turn fosters anger and feelings of alienation.
Feeling Loved
If you view sex as a purely physical need, it might indeed seem comparable to sleep. But once you realize that your man is actually saying, “This is essential to my feeling of being loved and desired by you, and is critical to counteract my stress, my fears, and my loneliness,” well, that suddenly puts it in a different category. So how might you respond?
First, know that you’re responding to a tender heart hiding behind all that testosterone. If at all possible, respond to his advances with your full emotional involvement, knowing that you’re touching his heart. But if responding physically seems out of the question, let your words be heart words—reassuring, affirming, adoring. Do everything in your power—using words and actions your husband understands—to keep those pangs of personal rejection from striking the man you love. Leave him in no doubt that you love to love him.
And remember, if you do respond physically but do it just to “meet his needs” without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!
…I recognize that some wives might very much wish that they could respond more wholeheartedly to their husband’s sexual needs. But they feel stopped in their tracks for various personal reasons. I don’t want to add any more frustration. I do, however, want to encourage you to get the personal or professional help you need to move forward. The choice to pursue healing will be worth it, both for you and the man you love.
Wives: Make sex a priority
An excerpt from a Today’s Christian Woman article captures this issue. It provides an important challenge to wives to change our thinking. The author starts by admitting that although her husband really wanted to make love more often, it “just wasn’t one of my priorities.” She then describes a subsequent revelation:
I felt what I did all day was meet other people’s needs. Whether it was caring for my children, working in ministry, or washing my husband’s clothes, by the end of the day I wanted to be done need-meeting. I wanted my pillow and a magazine. But God prompted me: “Are the ‘needs’ you meet for your husband the needs he wants met?”
If your daughters weren’t perfectly primped, he didn’t complain. If the kitchen floor needed mopping, he didn’t say a word. And if he didn’t have any socks to wear, he simply threw them in the washer himself.
I soon realized I regularly said “no” to the one thing he asked of me. I sure wasn’t making myself available to my husband by militantly adhering to my plan for the day. Would the world end if I didn’t get my tires rotated? I’d been focused on what I wanted to get done and what my children needed, I’d cut my husband out of the picture.
Reevaluating Priorities
Are the many things that take our time and energy truly as important as this one? Now would be a good time to reevaluate priorities with the help of our husbands so they know that we are taking this seriously.
Having heard from so many men on this, I would urge wives: Don’t discount it. It’s more important to him—and to your relationship and therefore your own joy in marriage —than you can imagine.
Now that you understand the tender places in your husband’s heart, hopefully you have developed compassion for him and the way he is wired.
This article comes from the terrific book, For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men
There’s also a For Women Only Discussion Guide available for wives, written by Shaunti Feldhahn and Lisa Rice, published by Multnomah. It’s designed to be used by book clubs, or in small groups. Or it can be used for having a one-on-one dialogue with the man of your life. Many wives, after reading the For Women Only book may wonder, “What do I do with the info I’ve been given?” This discussion guide helps answer that question. It contains personal stories, questions, and situational case studies to help equip you to apply the truths you learn.
Filed under: Sexual Issues
(NIGERIA) Why we have to experience this, I don’t know. I’ve been married for 4 years and at the beginning, things were rosy. Right now, it’s like I have to book an appointment to have sex. I give all the signs and verbal hints but get no response just the regular responses of I’m tired, my waist or leg aches or I have headache.
I help in cleaning the house, going to the market, etc, but it doesn’t still help. She’d rather cuddle or just lie down and talk or stare into each other’s eyes. On [certain actions] in foreplay, one day she said I should stop that it is not biblical. She used to [do certain things for me] and has stopped; same reason. These used to add flair to the romance, but now, she says those [certain actions] can cause a miscarriage (we’ve lost two pregnancies and I feel she is emotionally low; but I give her support). Even positioning is an almost forgone issue.
Even when we have sex or make love, it’s one sided like she’s fulfilling all righteousness. There was a time we had it 3-4 times a week and I was the one to say lets take a day’s break, but now 1-2 weeks. If I keep silent, it can go longer.
I have been tempted I must confess. I’ve looked (emotional infidelity) but not had the guts to stray (the fear of God). My self esteem is not bashed as described by most men; I don’t allow her rejection to affect that part of me. It just leaves a hole within me. It creates an emptiness that I used to fill with self-gratification and porn but have since forgone these. I’m learning to do without it and this is dangerous ‘cos I’d reject her also.
Wives need to realize that being a Christian does not necessarily enhance you as a man sexually. Literarily I mean, it’s no guarantee that either party won’t cheat. We need help, wives; we really need it.
(USA) I’m guilty of not meeting my husband’s sexual needs. My attiude was bad about sex. He is very distant. He wants a divorce. I’m trying to reach out to him and let him. Through study of God’s word and Christian books about sex, my eyes have been opened. We have been married 11 and half years. No sex before marriage with him. Neither of us were virgins. Pray for our marriage that it can be restored. What are things I can do as wife to win back my husbands affections? Please Help!
(CA) Nicole, Without getting detailed or saying it bluntly, if you say your eyes have been opened and he is not cheating and that is the reason he wants a divorce, you are not —— him enough. You need to initiate. You would not believe what I would do for my wife if when I went upstairs to change my nice work clothes into some jeans and a shirt if she followed me up and did anything to me. Quickies with the reassurance that even after the quickie we were going to do it that night would give me thoughts of pure pleasure and make me want to do the dishes, help put the kids to bed etc. Bjs on the fly, you name it!
I can tell you that if women learned to love sex, their refused husband would have a permanent grin, knowing they have a rare woman on their hands. I am not saying it will be rosy from then on out, but he will know he is lucky to have you while his buddies tell lack of sex jokes.
My wife refused me for going on 13+ years. My sexual confidence was very very high with past girlfriends and her, but has been shattered to the point of fine dust blowing in the wind. I have performance problems now, I have huge anxiety issues even climbing in bed. I will not get into full detail, but will tell you we’ve had more sex in the last 6 months than our entire marriage combined and I still have no hope for our marriage. I do not trust her because of all the refusals that she said wouldn’t happen time and time again. It’s hard for me to be open in bed, tell her what I want, what feels good, and some times I literally clam up and sweat even when we haven’t even started foreplay. She touches me and knows that I’m anxious and the pain of the past is on the top of my mind because I feel damp like I have a fever.
I will try not to be crude, but she is awakening and wants [to do something] now when she never has. She asked me about 7 months ago if this was something I wanted and I told her I was happy with whatever I got. This made her think for a second and realize she didn’t do this but maybe 1 time every other year. I got the nerve up to tell her that if I was performing on her, what if she was getting ready to O and I stopped and just rubbed her, or just stopped. It’s hurtful to think she never even thought of it like that and said she would get frustrated and would want me to finish. Ta Dah! What an epiphany!
I am still in so much pain because I am not in my prime sexual years anymore and it is gone and I still remember wanting her so much all the time, but being refused nightly until I gave up.
(USA) Wow! After reading the article and all of these comments I wonder if I am the “rare woman.” My sex drive is through the roof and I have a happy man! We have been married for 12 yrs and the first 10 were HELL… until I realized that if I wanted a good marriage I had to take the bull by the horns and say this is what I want and change myself and not rely on my husband to change. When that happened he started changing I believe that the church and parents are not teaching the children what the Bible says about sex within a marriage. I was raised very strict and was told sex was “dirty” so I had this preconceived idea going into it.
I have been through the kids and the dogs and the dishes and the work and whatever else you want to use as excuses that women use and in reality they are not even excuses, it is selfish. Yes, a woman will respond to her husband if he is treating her well, etc but also a woman can change a man’s heart if she really wants to. As my husband has told me many times I hold all power, used rightly I will get what I want in the long run :) I dont use it against him in any way but have learned that if I am open and honest then he feels like he can trust me and he gives me what I need.
I am in my late 30’s and he is in his late 50’s and we have 2 children 16 & 10 and I will say that as my children grow older I feel a sense of freedom and can express myself better now than I did 10 yrs ago. Sometimes age has its perks! I can honestly say I love my husband more now than when we were first married and I KNOW he is enjoying the “older” me! I work nights and I can’t wait to crawl into bed with him when I get home and be held and if love making happens great, if not it’s a good thing to just fall asleep together.
Women, you make your marriage what you want it to be, it can either be HELL or it can be the safest place on earth! It definitely is not easy but if you have a willing man it can be, it won’t happen over night, but with love and patience it can.
(USA) Hi Michelle, You aren’t alone. My wife is like you, and for a long time I had a problem with my sexual desire. I think it is wonderful that it has come together for you both. We’re right there with you. For many years, sex was a problem for me and I didn’t realize why. Some of it was modeling -I grew up in a home where I never saw my parents so much as kiss (and certainly not with passion). And some of it was a combination of my own insecurity about sex and some verbal /emotional abuse early on in our marriage. This led me to withdraw (without knowing why, really), and she felt neglected and hurt. This led to a long season of withdrawal and pain, followed by a few incidents where she almost left me.
Things are really turning around, and I praise God totally for it! For me, it was as we started rebuiling safety. Both of us were holding on to the past, and it took some close-calls, some pretty difficult conversations, to really get past the poison and realize we were replaying old tapes. This has allowed us to both be more honest and accepting of one another, and my sexual desire has been sky-rocketing. And of course… she wants it all the time :).
Sexual problems can change, people. We aren’t perfect, there are going to be difficulties and there are still times when I am terrified, but it has been getting so much better. Praise God.
One of the biggest things I realized is that, for my wife, sexual giving is (at least partly) what makes her feel like a woman and what makes her feel like I really care. She loves that I take care of her and do things for her, sure. But when I really take the time with her sexually, she definitely responds to it. Conversely, when we would have sex and I would duck out as quickly as possible, it drove a wedge between us. And to be honest, I know I would feel the same way as her if that were to happen.
Michelle, you said, “Yes, a woman will respond to her husband if he is treating her well, etc but also a woman can change a man’s heart if she really wants to.” While I would say that God has to do the changing, I really do agree that we have a -huge- influence on each other and on the marriage. When one person changes, it really can bring change into the dynamic of the relationship and lead to change in the other. Again, praise God in Jesus Christ!
And Michelle, reading your story made me think I was reading my wife’s in some ways. Thank you for sharing!
(USA) There is a man in my life who I love. We are single, and celibate. He has known me for 3 months, and all he talks about is, getting married quickly, making love forever, and getting locked in the house during a blizzard.
I am not ignorant about the testosterone issues, and I am a very giving person. I will do just about anything for anyone that is in need. BUT, I am having an extreme amount of difficulty in seeing sex as a needed thing. I can’t have children, and I don’t view that as me being a failed woman. I am an artist, and my work requires a lot of attention. Artist’s are traditionally loners. It is difficult to be successful at my work, so it requires a lot of personal time just to reflect, and think. I don’t require very much human attention for my self esteem. I am in love with God, and he is my self esteem. I would want my husband to be the same, that he is a great man of God no matter how much sex he has. I would not want my husband’s self worth to be dependent on a few moments of desire.
Life is so full of various types of experiences. Can some man, who has read this article, explain to me how having an orgasm (even animals have them) could be more interesting than 90% of the rest of life’s experiences? Do ALL MEN feel so insecure, that a single rejection can shake their foundation? The man I am seeing is so frustrated and insecure from 10 years of divorce life, that he has stated that he has 10 years to catch up on. Is this not excessive, obsessive behavior? He seems like he could be just simply insecure and that having sex 10 times a day wouldn’t be enough.
I love my devotional time with the Lord early in the mornings. He has made comment that his favorite time to have sex is in the morning. Is there not some kind of balance to find here? Is it not a lack of faith on the man’s behalf if he feels insecure because he has no sex, ignoring what his worth is to God? Sex gets boring in every marriage, if everything is built around sex, and it gets to be old hat, what is going to keep the marriage together? What if a man’s wife can no longer have sex for medical reasons? Will he obsess over having no sex, when it isn’t practical? Why can’t a man just think about something else, like string theory, or quantum physics or study scripture or cure a fatal disease, instead of think about fleshy gratification that is so fleeting?
I am not being sarcastic, I just really don’t understand. My Grandfather didn’t live off of his emotional needs, he was a strong man. Could it be that emotional needs is something that came into to vogue with the hippy generation? There are men who are so insecure that no amount of sex would change that. Should their wife just forget about everything else in life, so she can just focus on him alone and so he wont ever feel rejected?
What would happen if every wife, who has children tugging at her skirt, was so weak emotionally so as to be a needy little child? What’s the big deal, if a selfless Mom needs to get more sleep? It was sex that brought the children into the world, so time for taking responsibility for that action is after the fun.
To me true gratification, is freedom from flesh, and strength of character (which isn’t driven by fleshy needs). It seems to me that people have become weak little babies, and watered down versions of our ancestors. Is there something someone can say to help me comprehend this elusive subject? HELP!
(USA) Amuse, You requested a man’s point of view so I will try to explain it. A couple things stood out to me. 1) Is sex a really a need? 2) Can’t men just think about something else?
1) Is sex a need? If you are asking will anyone die if they don’t have sex, then no. However, God created a desire in men to be attracted to a woman with a desire to have sex. It is a biological phenomenon the the male will have a desire for release every 48 to 72 hours, depending on age. I’m speaking in generalities here so please understand that every man is different. God created this desire so that man would be drawn to the woman and remember to tend to her needs and in return the woman would tend to his needs. There is a huge amount of give and take in a marriage.
The generational hippy thing more than likely has little to do with his desire. Speaking in generalities again, women need to have more verbal connection than men. If your future husband were to say to you “I just can’t understand why you need to talk about things all the time. Why can’t you just think through it and not bother me with all this talking?” His attitude and actions would be contrary to the way you as a woman are wired. Just as your thoughts on having sex are contrary to the way men are wired.
2) Can’t men just think about something else? You have to understand that men and women work entirely different. You are wanting him to think like you do. Are you wanting a husband or a best girl friend? If the latter is the desire than I will tell you you won’t get that from your husband. Because of the way God made men, we are not able to just think about something else.
You said that you have devotional time. Please read and pray about 1 Corinthians
7. I is very specific about not denying your spouse.
Having a healthy sexual desire for your spouse is normal and the way God intended it to be. Having a strong sexual desire is NOT being emotionally needy and insecure. When a man is rejected sexually it tells him that he is not worthy of a mate, that he has failed. Yes, some men can take a few refusals in stride but over time it will have an effect on his self worth and dignity. It will begin to affect other areas of his life. Work, other relationships, and his confidence as a man. You say that even mammals can have orgasms. I do not have a vast knowledge of all mammals. However, I think you may be confusing the release of fluid with orgasm. In a lot of cases for humans, this can and does happen simultaneously. A human orgasm is much more than just fluid release. It is an emotional bonding, a feeling that goes way beyond the physical and deep within the soul.
You said that sex in marriage gets boring. I am assuming you have been married before and sex for you got boring. That is because you and your mate let it get boring. That may sound accusational but it is a fact. Unless you put effort and priority into your sex life with your mate it will get boring. You did not feel that is was important so you let a integral part of your relationship die.
I did not know your grandfather, so I may be making some assumptions here. You said he did not live off of his emotions and was a strong man. I will bet that behind that man was a very supportive wife who provided great amounts of verbal affirmation, support and sexual satisfaction to his life.
My final comment may come across as harsh but please take it with my best of intentions. You need to talk openly with your future husband about these issues. Until you get these things settled between you please do NOT get married. If you do get married before these things are settled, you will have a very unhappy marriage and very unhappy husband.
I would call upon Steve or Cindy to add to these comments for they are much more equipped to address these issues than I am. I welcome any responses from you Amuse, and will continue to discuss this here if you want. God Bless You, FHG
(USA) Hi Amuse, Steve and I fully agree with the comments and advice Rob gave. Of course, you always have to pray concerning human advice, but from what we perceive, there is much wisdom in what he wrote.
I’m a more than a bit concerned that you’re talking marriage after only 3 months of knowing each other. New love is grand, but it can also be deceptive (as many people find out too late). It’s obvious that you and this man have a lot of issues you need to work through to grow your love into one that is sustainable. Please, please, please slow things down and give yourselves time (at LEAST a year before marrying) as well as serious discussion times to work through important issues, such as the ones you bring up in your comments. (We have many questions listed as well as recommended resources for additional ones in the “Marriage Preparation Materials” section of this web site that could help you.)
If you and this man aren’t BOTH able to work through some major compromises as a team while you’re still single, marriage would be a scary thing, and an eventual break-up could be in your future. He may be a great guy and you may be a great gal, but that doesn’t mean that you are great for each other in marriage. Seeking wisdom from God, time and working through issues can help you to know if you should enter into this sacred union.
If you’re questioning how much time you can give up to be in a marriage partnership (including a sexual partnership) and you question your ability to restructure your life to accommodate what it will take to be married to this man, then I question whether getting married is a good idea.
It appears that you BOTH need to slow this relationship down, do a lot of honest discussing, seeing if you can work differences out in healthy ways, learn what GOD requires and wants in marriage, recognize and work through your differences, and see from there if you would be a good marital team who is willing to sacrifice for each other and help each other to be all you can be in Christ. (Reading the book “Sacred Marriage” may be a good idea for both of you to go through and discuss together. You can find a description and link to it in the “Spiritual Matters” resource section.)
I hope you will prayerfully consider what I’m encouraging you to do. I’m concerned about your differing ideas about sex, but from what Steve and I can see, it’s just the tip of the relationship ice berg that is facing you before you’re ready to get married. May God give you wisdom and strength on this relationship journey and may God speak to each of your hearts and lives.
(USA) If “Amuse” was doing the sexual and intimate portion of her relationship correctly she would have understood “1 Corinthians 7” means, and that marital sex done properly is a completely spiritual event. It also gets better with time.
The entire premise of this is that you get all the power you need from God and from within your marriage, that the world cannot come close to matching the closeness, the affirmation and power you gain from a relationship ordained by God.
All of these “emotional neediness” posts I believe are posted by actual devils, who will starve a man for years at a time, while their congregation of friends fill them with what they need in affirmation, love and even give thems sex hookups.
I’ve seen this marriage structure before, it is pretty common in the U.S., that the wife must make the man think he is not good enough, that everyone else in the world is better than him. The structure is usually a very good and loving man, who does not get what he needs from his marriage, while a man with a stronger political position is put into the role of the husband.
This actual husband is put into the position of the Christ himself, carrying a cross that gets larger and heavier over time. Why do they hate men so?
(AUSTRALIA) The answer to everything here, no matter what was posted, is simple. Take 60 days out to take FULL responsibility for your partner’s feelings. Everyone here is talking about how they give this and give that. Well, give MORE. As soon as you demand credit for it, you’re accounting for everything. This makes for a disastrous situation. You either play at the highest level, and take care of your partner’s needs (whether you’re a man or a woman) or, go with the 50/50 give-and-take, or you think of yourself. The last 2 won’t get you to the passionate long-lasting marriage you desire.
We all want love, and we all want to be adored. Problem is, no one wants to learn to give love to others unconditionally. When you can do this for someone else, you’ll attract it back in to your life. I’m not saying there aren’t people out there who will take and give nothing, you need to work this one out. But most people are reasonable and will be more open to your needs if you are meeting theirs.
If you’ve gone without sex for that long, you think you want sex. But what we really want is love.
There’s nothing wrong with a man wanting love and validation from his wife. I understand this about my man and give it all to him. For the women who scoff at the men wanting validation from their women, you have problems. What are you married for? Or even in a relationship for? If it’s not to make the other person’s life better and to contribute? This is selfish.
If you want to learn more about meeting a man’s needs and becoming more feminine and well as achieving the ultimate relationship, please visit: http://www.thefemininewoman.com
(CANADA) Thanks for that post Renee. If people find the need for demonstrated love offensive, from their spouse, they should not be married. Sure it is good to be strong and independant, but marriage is about mutual support, not constant rejection.
(UNITED STATES) This article has definitely been an eye opener. I learned a lot about my husband and about myself. I was still in tears while reading it because I had just had an argument with my husband over our sexual relationship and was looking online for advice. I have been a Christian for almost 20 years and married for nearly 13 years. I am very well-versed in Biblical teachings because of the studying and teaching I have done over the past 19+ years. If we are not careful, we can easily distort the Scriptures (2 Peter 3:16) and though I have always thought I handled the Word with great care to avoid this, I can see how I have over-emphasized my husband fulfilling his duty to me in verse 3 and mutual consent in verse 5 to justify how I view the sexual relationship.
My view of sex was damaged when I was a child and teenager, and I have sought advice from professionals for this. I have made some progress, and I willingly and dutifully meet his needs once a week, but I realize that I can’t seem to move forward from this point and I get angry when he asks for more or asks me to make it more exciting. What I didn’t recognize until today is that I think I blamed my husband for every chauvinistic and degrading thing men have said or the way they have treated me since I was a teenager.
I used to be a model, aspiring singer, and actress. I was also raised to be very conservative and to never put a price on my dignity. The entertainment industry really made me despise the actions of men, and I found myself always fighting to prove I was more than just what they saw on the outside. I found out the hard way that I was not going to get anywhere unless I allowed myself to be exploited. Everything was so superficial and all about how I looked, dressed, and even sang. I began to believe this was the only way to get the attention I so desperately wanted, having been rejected and hurt so deeply as a child, and I went along with certain aspects of it even though my conscience was seared. My conscience eventually reigned and at one point, I had had enough and left the industry to focus on God …this is when I became a Christian. I now believe I have been damaged more than I knew from the way I was treated.
My husband is the first and only man I have ever been with (this is one area in my life where I refused to bend in the entertainment industry and it isn’t surprising that this hurt my career). We have a great marriage for the most part, but we have always had problems in the sexual arena. This article has encouraged me to evaluate my responses to my husband when he asks me for more exciting or more frequent intercourse. And it goes beyond this because even when he caresses me or tells me how attracted he is to me, I have bad responses. I find myself getting offended by his comments and often snap, saying things like “stop treating me like an object,” or “why do you have to turn this into a sexual thing?”
When I kiss him goodbye sometimes, he will hug me close and make comments about how sexy or hot he thinks I am, and I find myself pushing him away in disgust. It seems like I am taking out my anger on him for all the things men have said to and about me in the past…and I am putting him in the same category as those cads. Wow–the more I open up about this, the more I see how abrasive and flat-out mean I have been when it comes to our sexual relationship. I totally have a skewed view of of sex in general, and I need to spend more time focusing on his feelings and needs so I can understand why it is so important to him.
I was really convicted by what one of the men interviewed said about how he wishes he was irresistible to his wife in the same way he can’t resist her. My husband always makes the advances and always seems so attracted to me…he must really feel like I am not attracted to him and this must really hurt him deep inside. It isn’t going to be easy because I didn’t become this way overnight, but I am going to take steps (and PRAY!!) to see the sexual relationship in a godly way and be more giving to my husband. Thank you for this insight and I really hope I can become a better wife and partner to my husband.
(USA) Praise God! Rose, I can’t tell you how much we rejoice with you (and your husband, I’m sure) that you have come to the conclusion you have. I was once there as well — believing the lies about men and their sexual desires for their wives. How thankful we are that you are on a healing journey in this area of your marriage. May God help you and bless you!
(USA) I’m finding a common point of view. Somehow there are women, not all women, but enough to show the point of view. There are enough women who have a similar view point in that a man will want physical affection for the wife, in an aspect something below a “honeymoon” phase. Also the man may desire exclusivity. There are a lot of women who view this to be a “adolescent point of view”.
It appears that there are women out there that will hook you with a dousing of love and affection and believe that once it is marriage, that it is a “cold” business type of arrangement. I know many people have seen this growing up, I have too – I always thought it looked odd and made the man to look like he didn’t even have any courage. It made the woman look greedy beyond belief, but I know the family members who do buy into that particular phisod think that the woman has too much strength for the man and that she must satisfy her carnal desires outside of the marital bond. The wed-lock is actually performed with someone outside of the relationship, while the husband is left being less than an alone situation. I know what it is first hand, and I was an attractive man, physically and mentally. It took me to my spirtial knees, but it was not strength. Rather, that if someone loves you that they can take advantage of you that no one else can.
It totally blows my mind. I did not get married to put someone into my life who’s going to be passing judgement on me, and also pointing out things I may do behind closed doors to people who may have an ability to affect my life. Also ontop of that not to have a romantically involved partner.
Men be careful. I think that many of those controlling behaviors that you may complain about that may be minor nuisances at the moment, may be the way your spouse perceives you. That she may use every avenues possible to control you. What I tell a woman at that point, is you may as well be a man. If you hit me I will hit you like a man, and to preserve my masculinity as a female acting like a man – I’m going to have to treat you as a man who is coming to rob me. That’s what it is.
I watched men who cannot have sex with their own wives. There is nothing wrong with these men, but if they make their wife their exclusive sex partner, there will be something wrong. I have seen men who cannot club with their wives, who cannot share attention or spotlight with the wives, because the wives will not allow it.
One man took his wife to the club, and he was broken I saw it. I did not understand it while I was younger, but he must have other men entertain and dance with his own wife. I understand now what I was seeing. That was a henpecked man, who was being a man taking his wife to the club. Allowing her to be entertained, while he knew he would not be able to share pleasure with her.
What a selfish and stinky act by that woman. The perversity of it, and it goes unspoken. Corrupt women turn our wives, and it is basically an infinite greed. And many of the wives where like this before talking with women who where helping them to get much more than they should get out of a situation.
I don’t think it’s right. My eyes are open. I can see a gold digger without you telling me what she is, I can see a prostititute without you telling me that’s what it is. I can see a woman who is going to do right by you, I can see the women who may end your life. They transmit it in their image.
I don’t think most of us get married and imagine a “business arrangement” with someone who won’t give of themself to you, maybe might give it to the person outside of the relationship that they are trying to get closer to. I’m not sure how women think standing by their man is being weak.
In all the readings I have done, I can understand people are likely going to cheat. Affairs are dangerous and before embarking on one, are you really trying to say that your partner is impotent and a fool?
It’s usually not the truth going into it, and a nagging and complaining individual is simply issuing personal attacks to make themself feel superior in a “mud-slinging” approach. “Mud-slinging” works if the politics listen to it. I’m going to shut up now and I put enough info out there to help alot of individuals.
Men-Women, a lot of these situations you are trying to save even in a Christian way are un-savable. That spouse or siginificant other of yours may be simply saying your are a fool for going along with their bullshit.
Take care of yourself, it’s nice when you have real friends and real relationship partners but many times we don’t. It’s a self-serving, “its all about me” persona.
(USA) This article was good at explaining why sex is so important to men but what made it fail for me was the: Make sex a priority. That’s like asking me to set my bar to low standards just to make the guys I date happy only to turn me into a prostitute without pay, in the end.
Relationships that are built with sex being the key to it, will only fail in the end because it was only built on that and nothing more. If I have to sleep with men just to have them not feel like clipping hedges in the freezing rain then I have obviously picked the rotten easy ones at the bottom of the tree instead of the top ones that have worked hard to be there.
(USA) DiamondsAndGold, The title is “Wives….” which means it’s not for folks dating. It’s to demonstrate the importance of sex in a marriage.
What is offensive is that you think sex is a “low standard.” Nothing was said about building a relationship on sex. However, one can destroy a marriage if they withhold sex.
Think of your most treasured emotional need. Now think about if your future husband refused to meet that need because you didn’t do something he thought you should do. Let’s say he wouldn’t have intimate conversation with you because you were not taking care of this task similar to clipping hedges.
(USA) I second what Tony had to say. Some people, and some relationships, idolize sex. They take a good thing and make it the ultimate thing, the essential thing. That is wrong and unhealthy. Sex isn’t and shouldn’t be the ultimate, foundational thing. But just because people do that does not mean that sexual intimacy is not an important aspect of a marriage relationship. You are arguing to extremes, which is fallacious and could be said about anything.
(USA) I got kicked off another forum for expressing the disbelief that some marital partners believed that their partners pleasure and sexual and emotional relations was a part of marriage. Many displayed the opinion that “it’s not their job”… I’m kind of shocked. I don’t believe it’s a job, but it blows my mind that someone would get married and think it’s OK that they wouldn’t have sexual relations with their spouse, and/or provide emotional intimacy.
(USA) I have tried to involve my wife in everything. I have tried to read books with her to no avail. I have tried to get her to read books such as His Needs Her Needs, however, it took over 6 months of pressure for her to read it, and truthfully, I don’t think she actually read it when she ‘did’. I have tried to be romantic, but am ignored most times. I have tried to get babysitters, however she refuses. I have taken her on trips, which she likes, however, if I would like love making, she says I have ‘conditions’ on what I give her, and that ‘Love isn’t really that complicated.’ She has the innate ability to remember any bad thing I have said or slight perceived or real, but is incapable of recognizing the things I do on a daily basis which are good.
My wife just said essentially, that if I were different, then I ‘would be surprised at what she was willinng to be and do.’ heh… sounds good… but it isn’t true, it is an excuse and easy to blame me for everything she does or does not do.
(USA) Justaman, Many of us are in a similar predicament. The really messed up thing about it, is potentially they are having affair sex and thus the lack of concern for emotional and physical relations with the husband. It’s funny how she says if you were different you’d be surprised at what she’s willing to be and do. I’m sure you’re just fine, but you’re caught up in a long term match, that you’re darned if you do darned if you don’t.
With that scenario, almost any other man looks better than you because she is only looking at things she does not like and refuses to look at the things that you do right. I really haven’t seen the position you describe corrected, if someone has gotten out of that particular position it’s not common.
(USA) Justaman, Your’e in a hard position. Many of us have been in this position, usually you cannot work your way out of it either. A guy on one forum said to me “each inch I gave in concessions that I knew were wrong on principle became a mile at the end of the relationship.”
It sounds to me like she’s the one that’s making love be complicated. I would look into doing things she likes to do away from the house and some of your date weekends are planned with a hotel after the date, to simulate an actual date.
Also if you can get her to do it in places outside of the house, this can open it up for you. Try to do most of the things she needs to be done without subjugating yourself. Surprise her, show her you listen and pay attention to her, complement her, offer to give backrubs and the such without reciprocation. If she’s like many of our wives, she’ll shut all that down too – will not allow it.
It sounds like she’s putting the rules on you and you have no rules of operation for her to follow, or that she would not work within your parameters. Good luck, and like they say – if it’s going to fail make sure you have done everything in your power, so that when you look back you know in your heart there was nothing else that you can do.
(USA) I want to thank you for this article. Although my husband may have told me this a hundred times, it finally clicked when I was reading it. I have always been a Christian but more recently been trying to be a better Christian and improving all areas of my life. My husband is trying to do the same. I have been saying how I want sex to be more emotional for him than just being about physical feelings, as it is for me. I finally understand that what he has been saying is, it is about both.
I have never liked my husband to self satisfy as I felt it is my job. So I was in the same rut at other women that it is part of my chores. Over the past year or two since we have been getting more involved with our church and learning about God together, it has not been so much of a chore. And if it starts off that way it does not take long to remember that I love him and am enjoying the closeness. We are still learning and and this article has helped. I will do my part and share this article with other wifes so they can improve on their marriage as well. My only thing is men do have have to realise that an occasional no is not always about you. As a mother of 4, from ages 9 mos to 9 yrs we do get drained mentally and physically and it may just so happen to be that night you ask we may just need some me time. Thanks again for the article!
(USA) Absolutely. An occasional no is real life. But if it’s usually no, or almost always no, that’s the problem. I almost never initiate anymore. What’s the point? To make her feel desired and make me feel like dirt? Because I enjoy rejection? I know for a fact she doesn’t desire me. She “says” she does, but she has proven she doesn’t. I have almost 2 decades of proof. I know it for a fact. Her words mean nothing to me anymore.
Good for you for working on it. : ) Blessings to you. LS
(USA) Always no means in her mind you are not even her maritial partner. It’s not good, and I wish I did not know what it was like to be treated like dirt. I had the same thing consistently 24×7 for many years. It will tear your esteem down.
If you are still exuding love to someone who is putting hate back in, it will shrink your love bank, your passion and your energy. It probably is the most selfish act. I’ve been seeing a wife do this to her husband. It’s to the point where I can see the attitudes, without them saying a word, and know what’s going on.
I never did think they were weak men in those situations, I just thought they were with a greedy woman and in a bad situation.
The painful part is when we are shut out, with intimacy care and concern with our own wives, you must wonder if someone else is “in there”. I don’t even care if it is a woman, it’s wrong. The rejection hurts, and it reduces our desirability in other situations.
I want to say – in some cases where you get the dirt treatment, where you lose “rights” to your own wife, she may be a member of a “sorority”, an “agency” or “department”, where she has given physical and emotional rights to someone else, and all in the group are on board with the program and you’ve pretty much been reduced to a cuckold. What I’m saying, is sometimes this is systematic and they are getting support from whatever group and you serve a function.
Hindsite is 20/20, and in coming out of it, I’m going to say something which may come across bad to women. If I’m not having sex with my own wife and sharing in regular intimacy… that’s not my wife. It’s the same if the shoe is on the other foot and the husband withholds it. At some point something has to give. Selfishness and personal greed do not belong in a marriage. Outside of this, sometimes we have fallen for a sham and we just had no way of knowing.
3 months of this, maybe up to 1 year, but not 3 years up to 10 years, is where you do your analysis and see what you’re getting out of the situation. They will use you as long as you let them.
(USA) LS, I don’t want two decades of proof. Actually even 6 months of proof is fair enough.
(UNITED STATES) I would like to get some opinions on something I haven’t seen addressed anywhere. My husband and I are separated (for over 2 years). He is living with another woman. We see each other a few minutes each weekend when he picks up our little boy for the weekend or when we meet for my husband to bring our little boy back home. For the first year my husband would come to my house to pick up our son and he would bring him back to my house at the end of the weekend. Almost every time, my husband would try to have sex with me while he was at my house.
At first I gave in because I was so upset and sad about the fact that he had moved out. I wanted him to know I still loved him very much and I was hoping he’d change his mind and move back home. He mentioned to me several times that he feels I am a much better sexual partner than the woman he’s with and that as long as he can get sex from me he doesn’t try to get it from her. I have gradually come to realize that he wants to “have his cake and eat it too”. He likes the freedom he feels when he’s away from me and my family whom he worked for for about 20 years. (Things didn’t go very well between him and my family because they didn’t treat him as they should have.) He feels that he is getting even with my family by leaving me, which makes no sense at all to me. He is a Christian, but he has taken up drinking alcohol occassionally and he likes knowing he can do that when he’s with the other woman as well as use bad language.
I have informed him that I will no longer have sex with him and that we will now meet somewhere other than at my house when he picks up or drops off our son. My husband is not very happy with this arrangement, but I feel as if I’m being used. It is very hard for me to watch him walk back out the door and go back to another woman after he has made love to me. I’ve been praying that he will realize that I do still love him, but that he needs to honor and respect me as his wife.
(USA) I can well understand why you’re confused over this situation. This has got to be so very difficult to be married, love your husband, but to have him respond by continuing to betray you and your wedding vows in this way.
Joy, I can’t tell you what to do. You have to weigh everything that is written and pray about what God tells you to do. But from what I see, even though I am SO pro-marriage and want to see broken marriages restored, I just don’t see how you can or should allow your heart, body, and home to be used as a revolving door for your husband — that he can come and go as he pleases enjoying all of the fun without having to deal with the responsibilities and more difficult parts of being married as well.
Keep praying and stay steadfast and faithful as God shows you. Prayerfully, your husband will wake up some day and see that he needs to do what is right and true rather than chasing his own pleasures. And prayerfully, he will wake up to realize what he is losing out on and the true love and loving home life you sacrificially offer. But I truly don’t believe he will come back to that mature decision if he is allowed to straddle both worlds.
I believe, from what you have written, that you are proceeding in wisdom by expecting him to treat you with “honor and respect” if he wants more from you than it is wise to give under these circumstances. Keep praying and standing in truth and love. I pray the Lord blesses you in your faithfulness.
(UNITED STATES) Cindy, Thanks for your reply. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life -being separated from my husband and now telling him no when he wants to have sex. I have read the book by Dr. James Dobson “Love Must Be Tough” and he says that you must set boundaries in your marriage. So I decided to tell my husband I was no longer going to have sex with him so could say “hey thanks” and run back to his girlfriend and the other life he has going on.
Then I came across this article saying sex helps our husbands to feel loved and desired and gives him confidence. I started having second thoughts because I do want him to know I still love him and desire him and I don’t want to lose the connection he feels towards me. But afterward, as he drives away to go back to his other life, I feel so unhappy, rejected and like a fool for giving in to him. You’ve helped me to double my resolve to stand up for what’s right and expect my husband to treat me with honor and respect.
I would like to say to anyone who still has their spouse living with you… try not to be stubborn and determined to always have things your way. Ask God to change you first and help you become the husband or wife He wants you to be. I realized too late that I should have done that years ago. What I would do if I could turn back time about 10 years and do things differently.
(USA) Hello Joy. I was married for twenty-two years to a woman whose family always treated me as though I wasn’t good enough for their “princess”. The fact that she would not correct them was very disrespectful. You see, women want tenderness and guys want respect. Withholding sex or praise is, ultimately, disrespectful. Men expect respect (and will demand it) from each other, but when they don’t get it from their wives they shut down emotionally.
You lose your “mojo” when you have to beg for sex OR respect. We feel our wives love us, on the one hand, but despise us on the other hand. Many men don’t even realize this is a hot button for them. They’re resentful but don’t know why.
You are correct in that he IS using you. And it’s probably out of bitterness. But the fact that he is still attracted to you is promising. Perhaps you could seek counseling(CHRISTIAN) and start over. Pray about this (and I’ll pray with you).