Marriage Missions International

Understanding the Differences Between Men and Women

Young couple quarrelingI would venture to say that most marital difficulties center around one fact —men and women are TOTALLY different. The differences (emotional, mental, and physical) are so extreme that without a concentrated effort to understand them, it is nearly impossible to have a happy marriage. A famous psychiatrist once said, “After thirty years of studying women, I ask myself, ‘What is it that they really want?'” If this was his conclusion, just imagine how little we know about our wives.

You may already be aware of some of the differences. Many, however, will come as a complete surprise. Did you know, for instance, that virtually every cell in a man’s body has a chromosome makeup entirely different from those in a woman’s body?

How about this next one? Dr. James Dobson says there is strong evidence indicating the “seat” of the emotions in a man’s brain is wired differently than in a woman’s. By virtue of these two differences, men and women are miles apart emotionally and physically. Let’s examine some of the differences between men and women.


Women tend to be more personal than men. Women have a deeper interest in people and feelings —building relationships —while men tend to be more preoccupied with practicalities that can be understood through logical deduction. Men tend to be more challenge-and-conquer oriented —competing for dominance —hence, their strong interest in sports such as football and boxing.

Why would a woman be less interested in a boxing match? Because close, loving relationships are usually not developed in the ring! Also, watch what happens during many family vacations. He is challenged by the goal of driving 400 miles a day, while she wants to stop now and then to drink coffee and relax and relate. He thinks that’s a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal.

Men tend to be less desirous and knowledgeable in building intimate relationships, both with God and with others. For example, women are usually the ones who buy marriage books. They are usually the ones who develop the initial interest in knowing God and attending church. When a man realizes his wife is more naturally motivated to nurture relationships, he can relax and accept these tendencies and choose to develop a better marriage and better relationships with his children.

Do you realize that your wife’s natural ability for developing relationships can help you fulfill the two greatest commandments taught by Christ—loving God and loving others (Matt 22:36-40)? Jesus said that if we obey these two commandments, we are fulfilling all the commandments. Think of it! Your wife has the God-given drive and ability to help you build meaningful relationships in both these areas.

God knew you needed special help because He stated, “It is not good for the man to alone; I will make him a helper [and completer] suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). If you let her, your wife can open up a whole new and complete world of communication and deeper relationships.

Dr. Cecil Osborne, in his book The Art of Understanding Your Mate, said women become an intimate part of the people they know and the things that surround them; they enter into a kind of “oneness” with their environment. Though a man relates to people and situations, he usually doesn’t allow his identity to become entwined with them. He somehow remains apart. That’s why a woman, viewing her house as an extension of herself, can be hurt when it’s criticized by others.

Women tend to find their identity in close relationships, while men gain their identity through vocations.

Because of a woman’s emotional identity with people and places around her, she needs more time to adjust to change that may affect her relationships. A man can logically deduce the benefits of a change and get “psyched-up” for it in a matter of minutes. Not so with a woman. Since she focuses on immediate consequences of a relocating, for example, she needs time to overcome the initial adjustment before warming up to the advantages of it.

Men tend to express their hostility through physical violence,while women tend to be more verbally expressive.


Dr. Paul Popenoe, founder of the American Institute of Family Relations in Los Angeles, dedicated his more productive years to the research of biological differences between the sexes. Some of his findings are listed below:

• Woman has greater constitutional vitality, perhaps because of her unique chromosome makeup. Normally, female outlives male by three or four years in the U.S.

• Woman’s metabolism is normally lower than man’s.

• Man and woman differ in skeletal structure, woman having a shorter head, broader face, less protruding chin, shorter legs, and longer trunk.

• Woman has larger kidneys, liver, stomach, and appendix than man, but smaller lungs.

• Woman has several unique and important functions: menstruation, pregnancy, lactation. Woman’s hormones are of a different type and more numerous than man’s.

• Woman’s thyroid is larger and more active. It enlarges during pregnancy and menstruation; makes woman more prone to goiter; provides resistance to cold; is associated with her smooth-skinned, relatively hairless body and thick layer of subcutaneous fat.

• Woman’s blood contains more water and 20 percent fewer red cells. Since the red cells supply oxygen to the body cells, woman tires more easily and is more prone to faint. Her constitutional vitality is, therefore, limited to “life span.” (When the working day in British factories was increased from ten to twelve hours under wartime conditions, accidents increased 150 percent among women but not at all among men.)

• On the average, man possesses 50 percent more brute strength than woman (40 percent of a man’s body weight is muscle; 23 percent of a woman’s).

• Woman’s heart beats more rapidly (average 80 beats per minute vs. 72 for man). Woman’s blood pressure (10 points lower than man’s) varies from minute to minute, but she has less tendency toward high blood pressure —at least until after menopause.

• Woman’s vital capacity or breathing power is significantly lower than man’s.

• Woman withstands high temperatures better than man because her metabolism slows down less


• A woman’s sexual drive tends to be related to her menstrual cycle, while a man’s drive is fairly constant. The hormone testosterone is a major factor in stimulating a man’s sexual desire.

• A woman is stimulated more by touch and romantic words. She is far more attracted by a man’s personality, while a man is stimulated by sight. A man is usually less discriminating about those to whom he is physically attracted.

• While a man needs little or no preparations for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation. Harsh or abusive treatment can easily remove her desire for sexual intimacy for days at a time.

• When a woman’s emotions have been trampled by her husband, she is often repulsed by his advances. Many women have told me they feel like prostitutes when they’re forced to make love while feeling resentment toward their husbands. However, a man may have NO idea what he is putting his wife through when he forces sex upon her.

These basic differences, which usually surface soon after the wedding, are the source of many conflicts in marriage. From the start, the woman has a greater intuitive awareness of how to develop a loving relationship. Because of her sensitivity, she is initially more considerate of his feelings and enthusiastic about developing a meaningful, multi-level relationship; that is, she knows how to build something more than a sexual marathon; she wants to be a lover, a best friend, a fan, a homemaker, and an appreciated partner.

• The man, on the other hand, does not generally have her instinctive awareness of what the relationship should be. He doesn’t know how to encourage and love his wife or treat her in a way that meets her deepest needs.

Since he doesn’t have an understanding of these vital areas through intuition, he must rely solely upon the knowledge and skills he has acquired prior to marriage. Unfortunately, our educational system does not require a training program for a husband-to-be. His only education may be the example he observed in his home. For many of us, that example might have been insufficient. We enter marriage knowing everything about sex and very little about genuine, unselfish love.

I am not saying men are more selfish than women. I’m simply saying that at the outset of a marriage a man is not as equipped to express unselfish love or as desirous of nurturing marriage into a loving and lasting relationship as a woman is.

…Now that you know WHY men and women cannot understand their respective differences without great effort, I hope you will have more hope, patience, and tolerance as you endeavor to strengthen and deepen your relationship with your wife [or husband].

The above article comes from the book, If Only He Knew: What No Woman Can Resist written by Dr Gary Smalley and Steve Scott, published by Zondervan Publishing. This is a “how-to” book for men that clarifies distinctions between the sexes, giving a fresh outlook on building a stronger marital relationship. In this book, Gary Smalley explains a woman’s deepest needs, shows a man how to meet those needs, and gives ten simple steps to strengthen any marriage. He helps men understand not only how to respond to a woman’s feelings, but also how to make her feel important. Using humorous and touching illustrations from his own life, as well as case histories and biblical examples, Gary Smalley maps a blueprint to a better marriage.

— ALSO —

Authors, Shaunti Feldhahn & Robert Lewis explain more concerning the differences between men and women and also tell about Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood  in the web linked article below:


If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.


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48 Responses to “Understanding the Differences Between Men and Women”
  1. Shelley says:

    (USA) Thank you for this article.

    I wonder how many men will read it? My husband won’t read anything I put in front of him. It’s up to me to read it to him…if he will listen to it.

    I’ve known many of the differences between men and woman. I wasn’t surprised by any of them. And having been married for 30+ years, I pretty much found out on my own.

    But, how I wish, I’d known these differences in the early years of our marriage. It took years to understand him..and myself.

    I pray, that many young marrieds will read this article or purchase the book it came from.

    Joy in Jesus to you

    • ADUGNA says:

      (ETHIOPIA) The differences between men and women are interesting. This indicates how God is so wise!!! We may miss this generation if there were no differences between men and women. In my opinion, a husband and a wife should have differences to continue their relationship. If they are similar in all dimensions, they may fight each other emotionally, physically, bla… blally, and may go to death. I have have no question about why the differences come. I wonder, if anyone would answer my question. On average, why are women weaker in their physical structure than men? What could be the logic behind? What could happen, if it was the reverse?

  2. Virginia says:

    (USA) Thank you so very much for this article!!! My husband did not grow up with a mother and we just now realized that that’s why he has a hard time understanding my emotions. We are newly married and we want to start things off right. I am so glad I found your Christian sight. All the other sites try to degrade one sex or the other and I hate it.

    I know my husband will want to read this. He is genuinely interested in the success of our marriage and a happy future together. I thank God for him!! God bless your sight!!!

  3. Cholz says:

    (PHILIPPINES) I definitely agreed with those facts and information… can you give more reasons why men and women think far differently?

  4. Paul says:

    (ONLY AMERICA)  Wow! I’m laughing out loud here because everything I’ve read here is true! My girlfriend agrees!

  5. Sumit says:

    (INDIA)  This is a wonderful article. I think this is the kind of education requird for married men also women. But unfortunately this kind of education is not in Indian culture.

    • Christine says:

      (USA) Unfortunately it’s not in a lot of cultures. I used to date a man from Iran, and he was definitely clueless on all of this. It’s not that he didn’t care to figure it out (like stereotypes of mideast presume), but it got too frustrating for me for all the hurts I had to experienced as he learned one thing at a time about women through trial and error.

  6. Alfred says:

    (USA)  Pardon my saying, but this article seems heavily biased in the belief that men are brutes. I can understand your statements about which is more interested in building social bonds, because overall, it’s true. However, all of your comments at the end, make the common man sound like a sex-driven creature that has no thought for a woman’s feelings.

    “I am not saying men are more selfish than women. I’m simply saying that at the outset of a marriage a man is not as equipped to express unselfish love or as desirous of nurturing marriage into a loving and lasting relationship as a woman is.” Is not a valid statement. A woman’s view on a relationship is not ‘better’ than a man’s. Relationships are give and take. There are many marriages that work, and I’ve seen plenty of women that are cruder and crueler than men. So saying “women are more equipped” isn’t true at all! One’s views on sex are purely one’s own. I know women that are like “great, let’s ____!” and I’m dating one where we are saving ourselves for if/when we marry.

    Basically, I’m just saying that, while most of your article is facts (despite slanting it towards women by using violent adjectives for men, and dainty ones for women), your section on sexual differences is largely opinions that aren’t valid. Women aren’t sweet, romantic creatures. They can be crueler than men, and hurt you far deeper, and just as lustful.

    • Chris says:

      (USA)  Thanks, I totally agree with your comments… it seems like all marriage advise comes back to man’s desires or relational skills are the root problem. As a Christian, I have turned to the Church or like Christian institutions for guidance, counsel and direction and it seems like most of the solutions come back around to you’re a man and your needs, wants and desires are really the problem…

      • Paul says:

        (AUSTRALIA)  I agree with the above posts. It seems that a lot of relationship advice seems to tip-toe around [at times] a women’s emotionally charged irrational reasoning. Perhaps the writers figure that women are more likely to read the article so why risk losing your intended audience.

        When did we start treating women’s emotions like a ticking-time bomb that a man must service at all costs? Aren’t marriage partners both adults who have committed to a relationship in front of God and the community? Don’t women also have a responsibility to not always act how they feel?

        I would encourage women who are genuinely interested in learning more about their husbands and themselves to seek out the truth even when it may be hard to hear.

        PS: All men do not solve their issues physically and to be fair, there are many women handle their emotions with grace and humility.

    • Christine says:

      (USA) This is one thing my mother expressed to me about her marital sex-life (warning me once I was married) over the common frustration of being still hurt over something my dad did 2 weeks or 4 months ago (or a general build up from past problems) and him wanting to make love and her just not being emotionally up to it. Of course, this made no sense to him with her rejecting him over past issues and past events and it hurt his feelings. He saw it as resentment and her holding an unfair grudge against him, maybe even punishing him for past mistakes.

      But it wasn’t my mother’s intent to do any of that. She just couldn’t jump in bed the same day he was in the mood. She needed to have a build of emotions of the last few months -not the few hours. Certain types of hurts that need longer times to heal, needed to still heal, despite whatever day or scenery it is. It doesn’t make my dad a brute, though they had a reoccurring situation like this article. He had a very sensitive and gentle personality. In fact, usually my mom was the one accused of being the “guy” in the relationship.

  7. Elizabeth says:

    (USA)  This article really touched my heart! I am really going to focus on my relationship with my husband, and talk to him about our differences. I am goimg to visit this site with him more often!

  8. Atangche says:

    (CAMEROON)  Hello, It’s quite amazing for me to gather some wonderful tips about relationship between a man and a woman. I thank God for Dr Gary Smalley for his kind gesture, can’t wait to always visit your site. I now see that there is lots to learn.

    This is really a venture for virtues to come. I am not married but being 24 years of age, I shall conceive more of your ideas so as to build up my aspired future home. I love that and more grease to your elbow. I REALLY NEED A NEW RELATIONSHIP SO AS TO START A NEW LIFE WITH A FIRM RELATIONSHIP.

  9. Lynn says:

    (USA)  I was reading your page on the “Understanding the Differences between Men and Women” and I find it very good, and probably “right on”. However, I am a Nurse, doing some research work on this subject for an article for our Church, and wondered if you have “References” for your facts? I would be interested on where you got most of your information. Thanks so much for the interesting article.

  10. Tsireletso says:

    (ZIMBABWE)  I am recently married (01-08-2010) and I started a young adults group in our local church. I found your information helpful and I intend to discuss further with our group. As Christian group we are looking for more information, but I am finding it difficult to get Bible verse that can back up your good information. If you do have any Bible references it would help me. Can we expect more information? Because I like the way you brought out the sexual differences. Can you comment on men’s ego/pride and how women can handle a man’s ego?

    • Marsha says:

      (AUSTRALIA)  I guess when we study and understand how God created man, that is how we can understand how to handle their ego…!

      The only way to satisfy sexuality after marriage is when we take this part of activity as a loving couple that God blesses us, and understand what Solomon in the Bible how he express to his lover without feeling uneasy with it. A marriage involved with God in every part of a marriage couple life and activity….!

  11. Jim says:

    (USA)  I’m with Alfred on this one. This is just another article on how men need to be more feminine rather than the cavemen that they are. I guess it makes sense though. You can make a headline saying “Women really are smarter than men” and get nothing but praise for it. Likewise you can get a headline saying “Men excel more than women in the hard sciences” and the writer is a sexist pig. I don’t see how any self respecting man can read this article and give it any kind of praise.

    • Chris says:

      (USA)  Thanks, for your comments…totally agree!!!!

    • BH says:

      (UK)  Reading this makes me wonder if we are living in the 21st century and not the 19th as it’s so Victorian in attitude. Compared to the similarities, the differences between men and women are minute, and certainly not as clear-cut as the author would have us believe. We are all individuals, no matter what our physical sex…men and women are not different species virtually incapable of understanding each other, no matter how much you would like to believe that to be true.

      Let’s just look at a couple of points, shall we? As a woman I am supposed to be nurturing, desire relationships, etc,etc. Basically, I am supposed to want that more than anything else in life. How is it then that I am somewhat a loner, people tire me out and I get huge satisfaction from studying Biochemistry, and figuring out problems yet my husband is very sociable, caring, intuitive and desires many close relationships? In fact he is always the one trying to encourage me to be more friendly, etc.

      As for boxing, I am the one who enjoys watching it whilst it totally disgusts my husband, who thinks it barbaric. I could go on but I haven’t the time. Am I any less a woman and he a man – no! We are both individuals who happen to be female and male expressing our preferences. And we have been happily married for 17 years. Oh, I like talking about feelings alright – ones of anger and disgust about tired and outdated attitudes that put us back at least 100 years.

      • Cindy Wright says:

        There’s no 100 per cent application you can make with almost any tendency in life. We’re created as intelligent human beings. So use that intelligence and interpolate. It doesn’t make one of you more feminine than the other or one of you more masculine. It is what it is. If you and your husband are exceptions to a “general rule” (and I use that term lightly), then just look at the differences as they are and go with them. The point is that we have differences to work with. So work with them. Embrace the differences and make them work for your marriage.

  12. Dan says:

    (USA)  In my admittedly limited experience I think the problem is that men and women do not take the time to learn about each other. It’s not that they can’t, it’s that they don’t want to take the time. So they just assume that it should happen a certain way automatically!

    Unfortunately, even if we did take the time, I think it would be hard to learn how to enjoy what the other sex has to offer unless each of them is willing to put considerable effort into appreciating the other side’s point of view and interests.

    That is why sex is so important, but also too important. It becomes the only thing that is mutually satisfying if done well. People expect sex to make up for everything else that is missing in a relationship. With that kind of expectation it is easy to see why sexual problems occur. Then when that happens there is nothing to hold two people together! I think the perfect solution to this would be to spend more time exploring other ways to enjoy each other’s company. But we won’t do that because that takes effort and time. Most people want it ‘right now’ with very little effort!

  13. Edwin says:

    (KENYA)  I am very happy to join Marriage Missions International, hoping to learn more from you people as we come up with solutions affecting our marriages. Thank you, Edwin

  14. Anonymous says:

    (INDIA)  Thank you for these wonderful & knowledgeable insights. I am newly married and some of the differences between men & women confused me until I read this page. It has been most helpful. Now I can make sure I do not accuse my husband of not being intuitive enough about intimacy & building a deep relationship & instead focus on finding innovative ways to make my marriage successful despite the different make-up of men & women.

  15. Tony says:

    (USA)  Divorce stats blow this one up. Women tend to file for divorce 3x to 4x more frequently than do men. Therefore, one cannot say that women are more interested in building intimate relationships with people when they are usually not the ones who propose marriage, but are the majority of those who file for divorce.

    Since most divorces are NOT for marital misconduct such as adultery, abuse or addiction, I think we need to re-think the mistaken notion that women are more interested in intimate relationships. Given that the numbers of women who choose divorce outnumbers men by 3 or 4 times the number of men choosing divorce, the theory doesn’t hold water.

    Folks interested in intimate relationships do not divorce their spouse, especially when their spouse is not engaged in marital misconduct.

    For those who might want to say men have more affairs than women, I ask, really? Are these men having affairs with other men? Of course not, they are having affairs with women. Therefore, both genders are equally represented, statistically speaking, when it comes to involvement in affairs.

    I tend to agree with those who see this as a bash men article and saying that if men were more in touch with their relationship building side, things would be better.

    I say if women were less in touch with their relationship destruction side, you would have 75% less divorce and therefore, more intact families. I agree there are differences. If the goal is to say there are differences, accept them, then I agree with this article. If the goal is to say there are differences and if men would only get on board…, well then it’s just a lie from the pit of hell.

    So I’ll say it again, as long as women outnumber men by 3 or 4 to 1 when it comes to choosing divorce, then I wholly reject the notion that women are more interested in an emotionally intimate relationship. Current divorce stats in America blow up this notion and expose the lie it is.

  16. Tony says:

    (USA)  Just wanted to add this that I found today at

    “As I mentioned last week, I’ve come to the conclusion that 80% of all divorces are caused by neglect –important emotional needs are not being met. You’d think that abuse would be the major contributor, but it’s not. In fact, physical abuse accounts for only about 2 1/2 percent of divorces. So while the wife who wrote last week about neglect appears to be in a reasonably safe and normal marriage, she’s far more likely to call it quits than the writer of today’s letter who is the victim of physical abuse.”

    Ponder that, those who believe they’ve been neglected are far more likely to file for divorce than those physically abused.

    Now I believe folks should have their emotional needs met. However, before someone simply files for divorce, they should provide their spouse with a clear guideline of what those needs are, and concrete examples of how to meet them to their satisfaction. I.E. if the wife wants romance, then she has to define what romance means to her. Too often I think they say, “I wish my husband were more romantic.” They might even say to their husbands, “I wish you were more romantic.” So he doubles his efforts and is “romantic” but yet she’s still not satisfied.

    Who failed here? If she leaves, she’s saying HE FAILED. Frankly, they both failed. If someone is not getting their needs met, their responsiblity is to present those needs in a clear and understandable fashion. I.E. being willing to teach and mentor your spouse in meeting those needs. Your role is not to merely sit in judgment and say you will not come any closer to your husband until he meets your needs to your standard.

    Further, if you leave, especially if you’ve not presented a clear path to meeting your needs, are you not guilty of neglecting your husband?

    So while I agree with Dr Harley, I have to wonder how many “neglected” wives, you know, the 80% of those who file for divorce vs the 2.5% of wives who are abused. (Doing the math means that the other 17.5% are probably either victims of infidelity or having affairs themselves.) Since the majority of divorces file by women, that 80% figure Dr Harley cites are for feeling neglected, I wonder how one can still say women value relationships more than men when they are willing to leave rather than do the work needed to have a solid relationship 3 to 4x’s more often than men?

  17. Negar says:

    (IRAN)  This was so limited in information… try to put forth a better article for this subject.

  18. Jackie says:

    (USA)  I don’t really agree with this at all. This article is centred around the stereotype that women are automatically emotionally-driven creatures and incapable of logic, and men are incapable of feeling deep emotions and that all they care about is finishing the task at hand.

  19. Rolo says:

    (U.S.A)  I have been selfish and I have tried to understand emotions of my wife but I do continue to keep on messing up by talking to old “flames,” who I really think of as a friend. I see nothing wrong but I understand how it hurts her emotionally. I don’t want to hurt her, and women do have the tendency to be known for insecurity and men do tend to overlook that factor in a woman.

    I want to become a great husband and most men don’t have the courage to admit they are wrong and they say they understand, but in reality if it’s not what they want to hear or feel they will put up a defense in the relationship causing arguments. And in reality, men get bored and need something new in the relationship to keep things interesting whether the wife wants to go fishing, bowling, or watch football games or just doing a men’s mentality period.

    Wives will do things for the husband and the majority of the time men will take a woman’s kindess and selfless heart for granted and therefore take advantage without even knowing. That’s a little output on my thoughts. I’m 22 years old and married for only 5 months now today. It’s a hard process but I do want to strive to make this marriage work. Thanks for reading this and God bless and thank you for this website. I has helped me understand more of the hard facts between women and men.

  20. Alex says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I agree with all the physical differences, but I think all the emotional and sexual differences are complete bull. Women get ACTUALLY aroused the same way men do, they only make the man go through all of that because she is scared of what she will be labeled. I bet big time all a woman needs to be in the mood is seeing her man’s abs, amazing arms, or whatever physical features he has for her to see.

    Also, any woman who agrees with those statements that women have these abilities to create better relationships through this emotional nonsense is completely thinking through her mommy ego. Emotionally men and women are the same, it’s what we see and how we are treated that determines how we think, gender has NOTHING to do with it.

  21. Caroline says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I have been married for 15 years and I love my husband. Sometimes he drinks too much and say nasty things to me and the next day say he doesn’t remember saying these things. He says that I am making them up. Every time I try to talk to my husband about anything it turns into a argument so I just stop trying to make conversation with him.

    These things hurt me and they brought me a lot. I am trying to hold onto my marrage but sometimes I wish I was not in this marrage. I say to myself if I had the money I would have left him a long time ago. So I am still in this marrage trying to make the best out of it. I have learned a lot in this marrage and the most important thing I have learned is how to encourage myself when I am feeling bad.

    • Earl says:

      (USA)  Thanks for your story but, realizing God is in everything may be a good answer for me, but my wife won’t share her feelings with me. I hope I am not as bad as your situation.

  22. Amit says:

    (INDIA)  Thanx for this information. All married and unmarried men must read this.

  23. Mac says:

    (US)  First of all, I’m saying above all, God is most important! In order for anything to work, God needs to be there… ever hear the saying, “…if all else fails?” …that’s when God will be there! I’m no rocket scientist, but I pay close attention to details. When God is your foundation in a relationship, you will learn to pray, weigh out options, and ask God what it you should do. When both the man, and the woman put God first….they both consult God as well, and determine these differences, and then both come to an understanding.

    If both man and woman have a deep love for God, they will come to an understanding amongst themselves, sometimes two great minds may think alike… in a world where there is so much temptation, man and woman both may lose focus, maybe perhaps one of the most difficult differences a couple will face. But once again putting God first, will bring your understanding together.

  24. EARL says:

    (USA)  In a male female relationship, who tends to get tired of who first?

  25. Earl says:

    (USA)  We just had our 21 anniversary today. We went out of town. Coming back we had tire trouble going through the desert. By the time we got home it cost us an additional 400.00. Since then she has not been happy, no matter what I do.

  26. Patty says:

    (U.S.A.)  Thank you for article! It really describes the differences between my husband and I. We will be married for 13 years this June and having a very tough time, maybe very close to separation. I feel hopeless and I can feel he feels the same. He puts work before anything, then kids… well… let’s just say that I am the last one on his list. I don’t feel cherished, and important in his life… I feel very unsupportive by him.

    In the meantime, I have been a great helper with his career. Anyway, thank you for listening. I wish my husband would even think to look up articles about men and women differences like this one so he could be part of learning and saving our marriage. I am just tired of looking to fix and make our marriage work, at least that is what I feel.

  27. PECULIAR ND says:

    (NIGERIA) GOD is perfect in all HIS works. The differences are the spices of it all. Without the differences I don’t think there would be attraction at all. Men and Women are created peculiar to fulfill the peculiar purpose of GOD.

  28. Arthur says:

    (USA) I really like the information given. It gives me a perspective about marraige from another view and experiance outside of my church, not taking away from my church. I’m having some difficulties dealing with my wife, she is emotionless non verbal in experssion and it doesn’t feel good at all to not know how your wife feels about you. Spiritually, intimately, or as a husband. I don’t like usung the word “I”, but I don’t feel respected at all for what I’ve done, sacrificed and accommodated to her needs and concerns. I will admit that I’ve made some mistakes but this is my first time being married and I’m learning as I’m going in this covenant. There are some key points that are realy heavy on my heart.

    1. My wife has not changed her maiden last name to mine and it hurts me that every time someone addresses her as Ms my last name she responds but has not officialy changed it since we’ve been married, and it will be going on almost two years. Her reasoning for this is that she feels that by changing her last name to mine from a financial perspective, her tax returns will change for the sole purpose of taking care of her children, which are not biologicaly mine.

    I have some tax problems that I’ve taken care of and I tried to explain to her that my previous tax problems won’t affect your filing status, what will change is that you are married NOW, and based on filing protocol our bracket will be different compared to you being single. I’m hurt because she has delayed this process far too long and it’s beginning to wear on me that she only cares for herself and her children and I’m not her FIRST priority then her children next with me supporting and helping.

    The age of her children are 16 in a private high school, 19 soon to be 20 in a private college, and a 21 year old college graduate who is married with one grandchild.

    I can keep going on but I will stop here, because I need some outside holy Christian advise my concerns. A servant of God. Thank you.

  29. Hadassa says:

    (BELGIUM) Hi, I haven’t read all the comments above, but I’m very pleased with how the author encourages men to better understand women. Is there also something along these lines that helps us women better understand men and make the appropriate efforts towards them? Something along these lines would be very beneficial for our premarriage course, and obviously own marriage (never teach what you don’t want to learn ;-)). Thanks for reading!

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Hi Hadassa, The answer to your question is yes. If you look at the sidebar of this page you will see the topic, “For Married Women.” You will find a number of articles there that you may find enlightening. I pray they help.

  30. Mary says:

    (U.S.) If we now know that men are not equipped the way a woman is for a nurturing marriage, shouldn’t we then make efforts to educate BEFORE marriage, instead of saying “Oh well, men just aren’t equipped, try to deal with it as best you can.”

    Shouldn’t churches and parents, and whoever else in this kind of field, be highlighting and educating men? Because the only time I ever hear about any kind of “work on your marriage” class, or study, or book, or therapy, it’s usually geared towards women – isn’t THAT the problem? – that we are simply setting the bar too low for men? When will it simply be expected that a man have some sort of clue about how to love unselfishly, how be pull his weight in a loving marriage? Maybe by teaching little boys how to change a diaper and that it’s manly to care for your own children? Or that showing love and affection is not a sign of weakness? I mean, I do believe that men and women are created differently, with different strengths and weaknesses, but can we at least agree that society and parenting with old traditional roles and ideals play a part in keeping men like children and growing up girls too fast – thereby widening the gap more than it needs to be?

    • Tony says:

      (USA) Mary, I think what you are suggesting will simply make marriage worse for both men and women. We’ve had almost 50 years of trying to make men out to be better women, but the reality is that men don’t make good women and women don’t make good men.

      The problem is when either gender views the other as deficient. It’s not that men are deficient, or that women are deficient. The problem is we fail to see the relative strengths each partner brings to the marriage.

      I think things are getting worse as we get away from the traditional roles for the very reasons suggested. The argument that men are childlike is insulting. Men are no more like children than women are. After all, if men are out carrying on with women, what does that say about the women who go along with it? It says they are just as immature as you would claim the men are.

      I think men do love unselfishly. It’s not men ending most marriages. When you look at the divorce stats, who is choosing to end the marriage, men or women? In 66-75% of cases it’s women. As I’ve said earlier in this topic, women seldom divorce men who are abusive or adulterous. It’s women who “feel” neglected.

      I’m not saying they don’t feel what they feel. What I’m saying is that it’s likely the men feel the same. But they are not choosing to leave in the same numbers as their wives.

      My point is, as long as women expect men to be better women and men expect women to be better men, we all miss out on having a complimentary partner. God created women to compliment, not compete with or change men.

      If you want to fix marriage, then start by getting rid of the false notion that men are not equipped as well as women for marriage. Begin to recognize and credit men for what they do bring to the table and stop expecting men to bring what women bring to the table. If both men and women brought the same talents, skills and strengths to the table, one of them would be redundant.

  31. Japheth says:

    (KENYA) Thank you so much for sharing such rich content on marriage. I am a newlywed and am looking forward to a successful union and married life.

  32. Georgia from United States says:

    I truly enjoyed reading this article, and glad to know about Dr. Smalley and Mr. Scott’s book. I think I will purchase a few while I am searching for a life-time partner. I am a senior citizen, 68 years old. Only recently, and it has often happened, I had to explain I wasn’t ready to hold hands or kiss on the first/second date even when, YES, I found the gentleman attractive and a great possibility. However, I always seem to get this type of comment: ” I’m still a very virile man, ” which I’m delighted to hear, but the relationship never moves on.

    If I have this book to hand out, just possibly I could be more successful because, you see, regarding the above gentleman, we both have a great passion for reading! And he was, indeed, to my liking!

    Also, I feel this type of education is so necessary and should be mandatory in secondary schools. There is no doubt in my mind our country would surely experience so many more successful happy families today. It would be a win-win nationwide!

  33. Angela from Australia says:

    The mental and emotional differences that both you and many other “Mars and Venus” type teachings claim are flawed. The truth is, personality type and ensuing cognitive function, determines communication style, emotional sensitivity and the like, not gender. Your teachings are merely playing the odds. There are recognised to be 16 different cognitive stacks or personality types if you prefer.

    The majority of women (in excess of 68%) are one of only four of those types and fit your communication style descriptors perfectly, the following three types, making up nearly 92% in total, are also feeling/emotional driven types who also view matters less logically and in terms of relationships. On the counter, Men tend to be the reverse. But what of the remaining types? Your teachings are giving the sheep of God cause for condemnation, if they don’t fit the mould.

    I’m a female INTP, the most logically precise personality type and the rarest for women. Make no mistake, I’m stronger and more rational than most men. Does this then dispute the word of God, which clearly states the woman as the weaker vessel? Of course, THAT WILL NEVER BE, AMEN, AMEN. What it does however, is, (through much persecution, judgement and wrong and very damaging ministry, before seeking the Lord for years and coming out of that hurt), mean this. The right man for me will be both stronger and more objective than myself.

    I also think it’s high time, that women stop blaming their sensitivities and emotional reactivity upon their husbands; there is neither male nor female in Him. You react according to your flesh. Stop searching to be stroked and toughen up a bit. The truth will set you free, not fluffing your feelings. Find your identity in Christ first. When your husband gives you a solution, instead of battering his eyelids and cosseting you, suck it up and thank God for him. The Bible is full of scriptures, which make it very clear, venting your feelings and living by them is extremely unwise. Taking offense is also a sin. The Lord loves us, yes indeed, without condition but part of that loves is correction.

  34. WP from EU from Netherlands says:

    Mmmm… this is an interesting article, and, in my experience (35 years married to the same woman) somewhat hard on the men to be honest. But for the most part…. pretty close to the “broad truth.”

    However, even though I am a man, vocation and career means little to me (I’ve worked in the same corportion for the last 27 years as a technical consultant). Relationships mean FAR more to me… I go to work because I have good friends there. I like to work with them and spend time with them. I’m not a “ladder climber” because I have seen too often the high price a title carries, and how quickly “the boss” is forgotten when he (or she) retires.

    I also think that men have a hard time because they have not been taught how to treat women. The women finally had enough of the “tied to the stove with a kid strapped to each leg” image and took up arms and became doctors and lawyers themselves instead of only marrying them. I would say, “More power to you!” I think women are a wonderful addition to the workplace… it would be very boring to work only with men.

    Proverbs 31 is a wonderful description of a competent and godly woman… if you give me 50 Euros, I can only put enough items in a shopping cart to fill it half full. Then the money runs out. My wife can easily fill it up to the rim! Needless to say, food shopping is her department. Filling out tax forms, and maintaing the car is my job. She doesn’t feel undervalued and I don’t think I’m better than she is. We are equal, but have different functions. Ephesians 5 is pretty clear about that.

    It’s wonderful when my wife tells me, “I will be here when you get home,” and she likes it when I suggest to her, “Wanna to go out for a coffee?” We both like a romantic setting, watching a movie together, going out for coffees and taking long walks in the woods.

    The differences between men and women will never really be completely understood… I like to think of a marriage as an egg. When the egg is broken in 2 halves, you get “peaks and valleys” in the break line. When you put the 2 halves together, the peaks in one half match the valleys in the other half. The two halves are different, but equal. Properly put together, they securely hold the contents (their relationship and their children) in a protected environment.

    Yes… this article is pretty good. Thanks a lot!! WP (Work in Progress)

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Thanks for the insights. I agree with you, regarding what you wrote, especially when it comes to articles being true “for the most part.” It’s a “one size doesn’t fit all situation. Some will fit; some won’t. You have to glean through what is written. As a matter of fact, as you’re reading different things on the web site, please read this first: It talks about the gleaning principle. We’re not all clones of one another. God created us unique in many ways. There are SOME threads of similarity in a lot of things, but sometimes you just have to flip it around to fit your own circumstances (except when it’s something God said).

      Thanks again for your insights… happy reading. I pray the Lord continues to work on you so that even if you fall, you fall forward –truly a “work in progress” :)

      • WP from EU from Netherlands says:

        Hi Cindy from the US, Thanks very much for your article “gleaning mariage advice!” A real “steak dinner!” I will need to read it through in sections…hard to take it all in at once…It’s VERY good…interesting. Your points on gelaning from God and His Word, versus from people and counselors is well put, thank you!

        I have only discovered this ministry website a short time ago, I must say it is unique in the sense that you allow people a free hand to express themselves, yet monitor comments to filter out inappropriate material- I hope that isn’t too much work!!

        Marriage remains a mystery even though we humans strive to do everything ourselves. God didn’t create us to be able to do that. No matter how hard we try to be independent, He has orchestrated “life” to be such that we are “compelled” (I won’t use the word “forced”) to come to Him for answers at the end of the day….

        Oh yes, God is still working on me…I will be spending time on your “Gleaning” article, as well as others on this site. You have a nice day. WP

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