What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife

Before we go into the article concerning “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife”, we have a You Tube comedy music link for you titled, “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife” written and performed by Tim Hawkins. It’s pretty good advice (and funny too)! Please click onto the following link to enjoy:

Here’s another You Tube comedy music video for you, which you might find helpful (as well as funny). It’s written and performed by Dante:

And then, after reading the article below, we have a link to an additional article, which could further help you in your relationship with your wife.

And now for the article:


Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”

Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.

She Needs to be Cherished “I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”

We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.

Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.

She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to.

What can you do to cherish your wife?

Consider how often you say, “I love you.” Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.

As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.

…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.

Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.

“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…

She Needs to be Known For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.

She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.

At least I’m not alone. Consider this fact: Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”

To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions is the only way to meet her need to be known.

She Needs to be Respected Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.

There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was kind of old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her, and she asked her husband to do it.

Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s why we’ve got power locks on the car.” By laughing off his wife’s request, this husband weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs —to be respected.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage and makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I have known men who will make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without even consulting their wives. I don’t know of a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.

Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?”

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.

The above article is written by Les Parrott and comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts written by Dr. Les Parrott and Dr. Leslie Parrott, published by Zondervan Publishing. As psychologist (Les)and marriage and family therapist (Leslie) who counsel hundreds of married couples, they have “learned that living happily ever after is less a mystery than a mastery of certain skills. Although married life will always have its difficulties, you will steadily and dramatically improve your relationship by mastering certain life skills.”

They’ve also written two workbooks as companions to this book, one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book. As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter that are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups. Finally, if you would like to bring this program to your church or small group setting, a video curriculum is available, also entitled, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

— ALSO —

To further help you in your relationship, below is a Crosswalk.com web site link to an article written by a pastoral counselor. Please click onto the following link to read:



Filed under: For Married Men Home Page

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116 responses to “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife

  1. (NL)  I’ve been married for almost 4 years. From the beginning my husband cheated on me. I caught him, argued, involved the pastor, etc. and things stopped for a while. 2 years ago, he started chatting, mailing, calling a lady from his village in Nigeria. I told him that if he doesn’t stop I will leave him.

    He stopped (I thought), only to find before Christmas 2011, that they are still in contact. For me, this article is a fairy tale… My husband refuses to protect me or our family. If I try to explain how our family (we have a baby too) is affected by his behaviour, he gives me silence treatement or becomes angry. I’m tired and I have no hopes for “us”.

    1. I’m sorry for your troubles! My husband had an affair also! He’s verbally abusive and mean, he runs out of the house as much as he can. He drinks and then picks on me, makes me feel like I’m worthless. I have been dealing with this for 12 years, so you’re not alone! I’m having anxiety problems because of what I’ve gone through, but because I have a son, I don’t want to leave our home; we have pets, I don’t have a car, only my husband does.

      I have no job because I don’t have a car and can’t use his, he has all the money, it’s his bank account , my name is not on the account because he says it’s his money because he works for it. But he puts me down constantly and I now have no confidence, I’m depressed, sad and feel bad for my 13 year old son, whom my husband never spends time with! I don’t know what to do , I’m stuck!

      I will pray for you! I hope things get better for you! God Bless! You are not alone!

      1. Hi Gale, also Corai, So sorry to hear these sad stories! (I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children.) The husbands here need to be brought to task of course!

        Gale, from what you say here, you husband has very little if any regard for you. Was your relationship always like this? (Likely not, otherwise why would you marry?) What happened??Your first priority is your 13 year old. Have you sought outside help? Have you sat your husband down and told him where you are here, how you feel? He’s getting away with “the ridiculous!” He needs to understand that you are not his doormat.

        You say he “drinks.” Are you saying your 13 year old has “an alcoholic parent?” If so, this can bring significant damage… I would really consider consulting a professional. You and your son deserve better! You are not worthless! I hope my comments help… WP (Work in Progress)

      2. Yhoooo, that sounds familier sister. We need prayers. Sorry eh? Rest assured God is at work in our problems so they will be over soon, in Jesus name.

  2. (USA)  My husband is a decent guy, no drinking or jailtime. Our problem is he leaves without saying anything, he never calls to say he’s okay. He doesn’t like it when I call him throughout the day. He says I complain about everything. I’m not trying to complain. I worry a lot, my nature. He doesn’t touch me unless for a few minutes of sex. I give him all the sex he wants so he will be close. I even ask for it when I’m not in the mood. I’m desperate to be near him.

    Sometimes he talks to me before sex too which I like. Otherwise he avoids me because I’m too loud. When I ask for a note that is contolling behavior. If I ask if a contractor paid him he says that I complain so he doesn’t say. I worry if the bills are going to be met even when I’m not paying them. My husband lets people slide in hopes of more jobs but people are draining us dry, taking advantage of his rates.

    Well anyway, I told him we could split but he doesn’t want to sign anything. I’m confused because I thought he’d be glad to see me go. I requested only my clothes and photos in instance of divorce. I would rather he found someone he wanted to be around than be miserable with me. I can’t make him happy and I can’t change myself to suit him. I don’t drink or spend money. I do beg for affection but I’m very loving. I don’t act on 90% of the times I want to hug him. I didn’t touch him for four days so I’m trying hard to curb my obsessive, loving personality.

    His family does not hug so I give him the space he likes. I want him to ache for me the way I do him. He thinks supporting me is love. I DO appreciate our home and things. I just want some attention. He said he hugged me all time before we married because he needed the comfort after his grandma died. I thought he was affectionate. He is self confident, having little want for reassurance. I was confident but it seems the more he excludes me the more assurance I need.

    I miss him after about five hours but he stated missing home takes about two weeks. I feel like a monster. I do want to stop asking about his day, when he gets off work, and to touch me. I don’t want to be controlling. I also suffer from anemia, which keeps me sleepy. He says if I were awake more he would touch me. I told him I’m sorry to nod off it’s not because of boredom. I’m painfully tired.

    This is another reason I requested separation. He could find someone healthy to wake up early with him. I am sooooo confused. I want to love him in my over zealous way, have him entertain my silly ideas, and talk and listen to each other. I have so many faults like yelling when overwhelmed and talking incessently. He has to hear tons from me. I am writing him emails about things so I don’t yell. I’m trying t listen to him without misconstruing his words. Sometimes he will say small job so I think not all day and night then he will say another job after that, which I miss… then dinner is cold and I’m sad about eating alone. Advice please! I’m out of solutions!

    1. I have seen many relationships which suffer the same kind of issues. In many cases self-oriented or self-centred persons usually focus more on their work than their wife. It’s just because he feels that you depend on him for each and every decision. Try these steps..always while answering for anything reply in a different and intellectual manner. He will be shocked to recieve the not usual replies. Answer in a polite way but it should be felt that you are more intelligent than him. If you are taking charge of anything then give a reason for which he cant refuse. That’ll make you more important and he’ll slowly become more nd more dependant on you.

      Don’t tell but instead show him each and everything you do for him so that he may realize no womwn can love him so much and he is special that he found you. Don’t make him feel that he can have sex whenever he wants. It makes him feel that he can get whatever he wants whenever he wishes to. Instead show him that you have demands too and that he needs to know and respect them but do this slowly and in a way that he does not feel neglected. Try to get he him to discuss his things of his day with you. Make a little changes every now and then in your schedule so that he thinks about you in his day because of this change.

    2. Sister, it is very normal of you to seek attention from your man and constantly asking him about his day shows that you care. My husband doesn’t know my cell number after 7 years of marriage. Shocking eh!!! I know maybe we kiss 4 or 5 times in a year. That’s the honest truth. I really don’t care anymore; sorry sister. Continue to be your caring and loving self. God will change year situation sooner than you think.

  3. (USA)  Well! My husband doesn’t believe in any of the things mentioned above. In fact we live in the same house but he has the down stairs and I the up stairs. Its been this way for over 40 years. He doesn’t want anything from me nor does he really love me. We only had sex once and that was enough for him, I guess. He has only slept with me maybe 2 hours during our marriage. He won’t father any kids he says he hates the little runny nose puuuky brats.

    He also told me I can do whatever I want, he didn’t want to hear about. He told me I could leave him or have a boy or girl friend to keep me company; he didn’t care. I’ve been so confused and angry all these years. I just don’t know what went wrong. Before we were married he was really stand offish. We never petted. All we did was hold hands and kiss. I was deceived into our marriage. So many years have gone by and now I’m in my 60s and don’t really care about him any more.

  4. (IRAN)  I live in Iran but my fiancé lives in the U.S.A. (California). We became engaged one year ago but before me, he had a fiancé in Los Angeles. They’re now separated but sometimes my fiancé talks to me about her. Unfortunately I’m so sensitive about this subject. I don’t know I what can do before I go too crazy!!! Omg help me :(

    1. You will have to understand his feelings also about her and think it in this way that it is good that he respects a girl and do not just forget if he was into any relationship. You should become more open about his last relationship and take charge to talk about her. After some time her topic will become so common that neither you nor he will feel in the way you both feel right now. Also during this time you will have to observe the things about her due to which he used to think of her fiancé and then make little (not more than enough) changes in you so that he feels that you are better than her in those things also.

    2. Maybe you can pray about this. You may be able talk to him about it, let him know that it bothers you. Does he still have feelings for her or is he just making conversation? Ask God to help you to know what to do, but remember your boyfriend may not realize that he’s hurting you by talking about her. Men and women are very different and we sometimes don’t realize what the other person is thinking and feeling. Honest, calm, communication is probably best. Pray with each other and for each other. God Bless You Both!

      1. Hi Gale, Well said :) Being a man, I can say you’re probably right about the boyfriend having no idea that this hurts. Of course prayers are powerful too! WP (Work in Progress)

  5. (SOUTH AFRICA)  The Bible says that men ought to love their wives as Christ loved the church. It also states that we love Him because He loved us first. I would just like to encourage men everywhere to adhere to this simple principle. If this applies to you Sir, Stop being a spiritual baby who expects your wife to mother you into loving her. Be better than that, be her Hero! God bless you all!

  6. (PORTUGAL)  I’m recently married …less than a year, and am very hurt by my husband. I wish he could see this article.

    I don’t feel respected or cherished. I feel that his parents wishes/feelings are more important than mine. I am so tired of talking to him about this -in fact it’s not my nature to say the same thing over and over, so I just let it ride now. We live 200 km from his parents. He decides to go there when he wants and we have to go -end of story. But he is smart, he makes it like I agreed to the decison.

    The other day he got a call from a colleague about a reunion dinner in the town his parents stay in …he accepted, and told me about it afterwards. We were just at his parents’ house 3 weeks ago, and now we are going back there. I find this irritating and disheartening… I feel controlled, like I have no say with anything. All the furniture in our house is essentially what he wanted …even the house he chose before even giving me the opportunity to see what was out there. I feel like a guest in his house: somebody that should be grateful for board and lodging and food (I don’t work anymore). I look after the kids and clean the house, and I feel that he does not appreciate what I do because it’s not ‘work’ as such that brings in an income.

    And all this makes me cringe at thought of sex with him. So it’s counterproductive. I don’t know what I can do anymore. I love my husband. I want us to be together forever but I don’t know if I can live this way …he makes me feel unwanted, and not needed.

    1. (U S OF A) I don’t mean to be rude, but why do you let your husband make all the decisions? Does he physically control you? Just tell him that you are just as equal to him and from now on you will make decisions together.

    2. (USA) You need to be assertive, make a decision and stand by it! Next time he tells you last minute that you are going to his parents tell him that You will not be going because you have other plans,ie laundry, cleaning out and organizing a closet or such and explain your time is just as important as his and that you wish he would have asked you if you where free that day.

    3. Don’t think negatively. He likes and loves you. That’s the only reason he makes you feel that it was your decision. It’s because he doesn’t want to spoil the relationship because of meeting his parents. Instead you are being over possessive. It’s obvious because you love him so much that you want all his time. But you’ll have to sacrifice a little of your time to give him space.

      Also it is good if he is giving value to his parents more than you. Think it in another way that what will you feel if your child is giving more importance to his wife than you. You also needs to think about his parents. He is a good man who loves and respects his parents so much. Talk to him about this and ask him to discuss some time earlier about visiting his parents and then ask him if you have other plans for the day. Try to be the child of his parents and love them more than he does and then see the result.

  7. (AMERICA)  Hmm…the funny thing about this letter is that I do cherished my wife. She’s everything to me. After our 2 years of our marriage I have been doing dishes laundry and cleaning bathroom and bedrooms. Me and her both have a full time job and when I finished cleaning and wasn’t able to see a spot that wasn’t clean and she spot. Well, it all broke loose… I am starting to feel that I am not cherished, that she doesn’t see to things which I am doing… or am I wrong? Help me…

    1. Wow, doing all that!!! I really respect you. Hope one day your wife learns to appreciate you because I think you are one in a million. I am, and am just praying that it won’t be too late for her when she finally opens her eyes.

  8. (UNITED KINGDOM) I have been living in South Wales for 4 years 4 month. And during that time I feel I have lost my identity because my partner makes all the decisions. We renovated the house and he decided what colors, what curtain rods, what color for the wood for the floor, just everything. When I suggested something straight away he said he already had in mind what he wanted. So I didn’t get to pick anything for the home.

    Now he has bought a caravan and he said he wanted 2 sleeping bags as it would save having to make up a bed and the sleeping bags could just stay on the little side single beds. He said it was easier to do it that way. So again I had no say in the matter. He has also even looked at the cutlery and and a crockery set on ebay so he is taking control of it all. I sometimes think, am I needed for anything at all except cooking, and cleaning, and laundry service? Beside all this I work 40 hours a week. Oh and also I went online to look at a little tv for the caravan and saw one I liked and when I showed him he said, I already have one in mind. So I think to myself, where is my place in the relationship?

    I have not been brought up like this. I was always used to a woman deciding what she wanted for the home. My father was never interested in the kitchen and neither were my 3 brothers. It was alway down to a woman to having what she wanted in the home. I am feeling a bit worthless. Any advice please will be appreciated. Thanks.

    Now I don’t seem to waste my time saying to him that I like this or I like that. It’s easier just to not say anything because I know he will have an answer for me and it will be already taken care of.

  9. (INDIA) My husband (who is not a bad sort in general) irritates me! When I talk to him, he pretends he can’t hear. He is either looking at the TV or reading a paper or browsing the net. I have to yell or slap him, to get his attention! If I request him to do any household chores, he does not do it, or does it very resentfully. He leaves stuff all over the house: socks, wrappers, dirty cups!

    If I want to go out on a weekend, I have to beg, but he is willing to run over to his sister’s house at her slightest whim. Just a phone call from any of his relatives and he is available! When his office colleagues phone, he has the time (and interest) to jabber with them for an hour! But if I want to talk, he’s toooo busy. The only time he pays me any attention is when he wants SEX! I have a deep resentment and anger against him. I ignore him, I go out on my own (that bugs him). I have started to put up a show of independence i.e. that I can be quite happy without him (that also bugs him). He provides for me well, but treats me worse than a maid or an unpaid concubine!

  10. (USA) What a beautiful article. Maybe more marriages will survive the test of time if we try harder to understand our wife’s needs. This isn’t about what men do wrong. Rather, it’s about what we can do right.

  11. (USA) If you are one of the husband types that wants a submissive wife then be the type of husband that God commands – loving, kind, considerate, self sacrificing, nurturing, excellent work ethic, provider, helpful and a blessing, be this always, lead by this! Have a submissive heart for your wive and she will do the same.

  12. (PHILIPPINES) At this time, I’m totally disappointed. I’m so angry. I feel betrayed, unloved and most of all I hate my husband for neglecting these 3 basic needs in our relationship. Actually, I’m in pain right now because my husband doesn’t do anything to contact me nor make conversations with me to get me back. He is so selfish, so self-centered, and he doesn’t understand me at all. I know I lost my temper with him, but it was deserved for not trusting me, for not treating me as his wife and for chatting with another woman, asking her to massage his hand, while we are on a video call. I hate him for that.

    For our 7 years of marriage he never tried to give me a flower or even a gift on our anniversary. He doesn’t want to hear if I have problems. He will just say: “I don’t like to hear negative things, just good things.” When we go out he will take me to a cheap restaurant while when we go out with his family he doesn’t mind how much he spends. I’m so tired of this relationship with him. I sacrificed a lot. I’m so depressed. It’s a good thing my mother and father are always there for me.

  13. I’ve noticed that a man gets out what he puts in his marriage. If you feel you are putting in too much and she isn’t then it’s most likely that her needs are not being met but instead you’re assuming what they are and dye better not be ungrateful – right? It puts marriages in Horrible silence. I finally got my needs met somewhat and then I could tolerate the lack of sex in my marriage.

    My husband today likes to throw it in my face that the lack of sex was because I cheated, which was not at all the case. We’ve been in this weird stuck yucky but doable place for 13 yrs now (20 yrs married) and I know he has to have his outlets too. He won’t admit it yet I admit mine and get totally talked down too but the sex never improves. He can go two months… I can’t go two days. I really like the closeness and of course pleasure of sex. My husband is a great guy. But I believe he is keeping his private life a secret so he appears to be the better person. What do you think about that? We are friends.We have kids, grandkids, houses, business with each other, and a lot of history together. Marriage isn’t perfect for everyone. I can manage if I have this one boyfriend in my life. Not boyfriends! I don’t think that’s had since I’ve good my husband the issues and he doesn’t change things in that area. That’s how I feel understood.

  14. I’m just a tenant in my house (that I can live with). All I wish is see my three children grow up to be independent. I no longer stress to make my marriage work. I’ve tried for seven years. My husband abuses me for coming from a poor background, for misspelling, for the clothes I put on. Just when we are about to go out together, he calls his brother, sister and husband to attend the function with him, leaving me behind. I’m a nursery school teacher who is also schooling. I just turned thirty and he keeps telling me I have nothing to show for that age, that he achieved much at that age. He slapped me while I was on the phone with my mother, yelling that I’m calling another man, ceased the phone and finds out it was my mum and starts accusing me of telling my mum how bad he is.

    What am I to do? I can’t pretend I love him. I don’t need sex anymore. I believe I can do without him alone, but I can’t educate the children with my small salary.

  15. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have been together for 8. We were high school sweethearts. I love him very much and I think he’s a very good husband. At home he treats me like a queen and loves on me. He makes me feel so special. But there is one thing that keeps coming up in our relationship causing hurt feelings. When we go out with a group of friends, whether it’s playing pool at a bar, bowling, going to a friend’s party etc., he has a hard time showing me attention. He keeps assuring me he wants me there and I have told him multiple times that if he needs guy time to just tell me and I’ll understand but he has not said that to me very often.

    He tells me he wants me there and has fun with me. But for just an example we went to a bar to play pool, a big passion of his, and I like it as well but we end up on different sides of the room and my heart hurts cause I don’t care about anyone else in the bar except him. I want to be the one laughing with him and talking all night. When I tell him how I feel, that I feel neglected when we around our friends, like I don’t exists he just says sarcastically, “what do you want from me? For me to just sit there and talk to you all night?” I say no, I don’t expect that and want him to talk to his friends but I wish for more interaction, more laughing and having fun TOGETHER.

    I don’t understand why this is hard for him because when we return home he becomes the man I fell in love with again. When I have gotten advice before they say he’s taking me for granted and disrespecting me and that he’s immature. So am I just supposed to wait until he matures; what more can I do? I have written him many letters and talked to him about it many times and nothing changes. This is the only thing in our marriage we have come up again and again.

  16. Get used to it. After so many years, couples grow apart. I don’t care if mine is home more than 4 days a month. It has been 5 years since we were intimate, due to health, mine and his. I don’t mind spending time with him, as far as I am told by him he misses me. I could care less most of the time, as all I want is relief from my back pain. Human interaction is over rated.

    1. So sorry Mary, that this is your experience. Yes, back pain is horrible and the desire to want relief from it can be all-consuming. I’ve suffered from horrible back pain for a great deal of my adult life. But I’ve also learned that “human interaction” when it is given in a comforting way and when I work not to allow my pain to be inflicted upon those I am with, can be wonderful. I hope you find relief today from your pain and that you also can bring a smile to others around you.

  17. I have been married for over 16 yrs. Since then I also adopted the first born in the family who is turning 17 yrs in June. I was surprised that my wife advised that I look for another women to marry since I don’t know how to make love to her but have plenty of sex with her. She disapproves of anything that I do and any idea that I express and blames me for the vagaries of weather.

    I have discovered she started a business with her male former colleague behind my back and juggles her hours at work with visiting the business, which is premised at the guy’s home. This is usually at nite and whenever she has a day off. Of late she hisses at me whenever I touch her and safe keeps her mobile phone to the extent that she turns and grabs it whenever she senses I am awake at night. I have tried to talk things over to discuss her hostility towards me but she says she cannot meet with a third party to dialogue even a marriage counselor to secure our marriage.

    She employs house help for me and our third born who is in class four, nine years. I asked her to make a choice between me and the business associate, however, she says we need to maintain our relationship for the sake of the children. I lately shifted houses but she came along yet she continues whining to me. I am so stressed and feel helpless. Please advise.

  18. Yes… good article. The problem I have is that, though I can make stupid mistakes like leaving socks on the floor [not all the time] and am terrible about making plans to do stuff together, I try very hard to listen, cherish, love be there, show affection, and yet, I’m still the bad guy. I’m the jerk who doesn’t cherish her… I’m stupid for my inability to listen to never-ending criticism, I’m an idiot for not understanding her pain [emotional or life stress].

    Everything in the article is very true and makes sense… but what is missing is that, for every relationship, there are many other factors. There seems to be varying magnitudes of wifely impressions of just how inattentive and uncherishing men are… at least in America. And I’m talking about relationships without physical or emotional abuse or cheating and what not.

    I have been talking with friends and coworkers over the years who are decent husbands and we laugh that it sounds like we’re all married to the same person. But the sad side is, the men I’m talking about don’t demean their wifes. They go to work and come home and spend time with their family. The points of contention seem to be 1. No matter whether the job is full time or not, it’s always a problem that the husband gets to leave and have free time at work. 2. Demands that on every whim the husband should give the man a break and not go to work 3. Projects that need to be done around the house are criticized as never being done. If the husband actually tries to get it done, he is accused of not spending time with the family OR that she once again has no free time/has to just do house work 4. Large difficult jobs [landscaping, plumbing jobs] are met with ‘is that all you got done? [A good example is the need to completely clean out and organize a garage… the wives think it takes 30 minutes when it’s a two day job… they seem to think you just throw things away. 5. These wives think you should always just pay people to do jobs… even when there’s no money in the account. 6. Tasks keep changing… one day it’s a fence needs to be put up [but saying we need to save money and budget for it is being negative] the next day it is a bathroom project, etc.

    I’ve lived through a time when, if my wife says her feet hurt, I massage her feet and hold her hand only to be told later in the day that I’m completely unaffectionate. She wants a sabbatical… since she works so hard with the kids and animals at home while I’m free at work. If I walk the dog it’s freedom… if she walks the dog it’s work. She’ll say, “Don’t speak for me and put words in my mouth…” then she’ll proceed to say, “You don’t love me and cherish me… you think I’m horrible. On and on…

    From some readings… it seems to be a combination of Perimenopausal behavior [which she and female friends laugh and call an attack of the crazies {ha ha}] and Borderline Personality Disorder. What do you do with that? I get threatened not by me saying “I want a divorce”…but her saying “You obviously want a divorce.” When she goes on a rant… the kids know it’s coming… I listen and keep my mouth shut… or then hit a limit and then start pushing back. She’ll say leave the house until I start to leave, then she says don’t leave and begins cussing. I leave for the sake of the kids and she tends to calm down… but then the endless texting. So I now block her.

    Recently hearing about Saint Dymphna… I’ve started pleading my case to her [as obviously with Jesus and the mother of God]. How many of us plead with Jesus and all of heaven for some help? Yes, please help my spouse and myself…open my eyes to my flaws and make me a better husband and her a better wife. Heal any mental illness, guide us out of our flaws and please, God, please turn Your face upon our family and grant us the peace that surpasses all understanding. Good luck to you all… and thanks for letting me rant.

  19. I don’t care what my wife wants, she does whatever wives do. She goes her way and I do my own thing, I want nothing to do with her.

    Married 47 years and why change things, had sex with her once what more would I do, well nothing. Why we got married I have no idea, I didn’t want kids so we didn’t have any. We have lived separately for 47 years. The only thing that we do is live on the same piece of property. I currently live in my garage with attached apartment, and she has the house.

    1. The original article is spot on… it is so very important to have your feelings validated. My fiancé has a very hard time with this and it is very frustrating… to the point I don’t want to talk to him about anything.

  20. My daughter and her husband are a nice Christian couple. We live in Pa. USA and they live in Fla. We try to visit each other once a year. There is an issue however, that my son in law doesn’t seem to understand. When we visit with each other it has to be everybody with everybody else all the time. There are times when I would like to be alone with my daughter and the children. It’s like all or nothing.

    When the first grandchild was born I went to help but he was resentful that I would step in to take care of the baby. He uses the example that when he was a child his family went on vacation together. I was born and raised in Europe. When I married an American I left everything behind, family and friends. The only way to communicate was by letters. Eventually we were able to make a phone call once a year. There was a time when I did not see my Family for 10 yrs. I had lost my Dad just before my marriage.

    I don’t see why I cannot spend some girls time with daughter and grandchildren. I don’t know if it is an issue of sex deprivation or of hating being alone. When he comes home from work he usually takes naps. He is hearing impaired and my daughter took care of the children all by herself after they were born. Does he want to reenact act his childhood? He is 6 yrs. younger than his wife. I do not know exactly what the problem is but it is not healthy.

    Do you have any suggestions or books that you can recommend with good scriptural applications. Thank you so much!!!

    1. Dear Louisa, To say I can relate is an understatement. I truly sympathize with your situation. I’ve been praying for you and for what to write since you left your comment. I feel impressed to say something, but it sure isn’t easy. It would be wonderful, Louisa, if life was fair –that things that make sense to us would also make sense to others, and they would change their attitudes and actions accordingly. But sadly, that’s not something that happens very often, when it comes to situations like you describe.

      You’re right, I don’t see why you “cannot spend some girl time” with your daughter and grandchildren. It makes sense to me. But that doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. I tried to make sure that my husband had exclusive time with him and his parents, and him and our sons at times (they are since deceased). It made sense to me. And I’m sure it was a blessing to them. But I’m not seeing this happen as much in this generation, as I believe I saw in ours. Maybe I’m just blind.

      Whatever it is, the fact is that once our “children” marry, we are then delegated to take a back seat approach to their lives. It’s just the way it is. It’s the “leave and cleave as one” approach that is laid out in the Bible. Even if they’re doing “wrong” or something you think isn’t advisable, we still have to be very careful in our approach (if it’s wise to approach at all). Our role, after they say their vows, is to then be supportive (to the degree that we can be) and not one where we cause problems in their relationship (unless God reveals abuse and He shows you a different approach). We have to work with things the way they are, not necessarily the way we want them to be. That’s the reality of the situation.

      I can’t say much in this format, because I have relatives that can read this and it can cause problems. But I can say that as parents, and in-laws, all we can do is what we can do, and look to God to help us do the best we can, accordingly. Life isn’t always fair on this side of Heaven. We look to God for wisdom, and discernment to help us do what we should and ask for His comfort when matters are directed at us in hurtful directions.

      Louisa, the only thing I can say is to see if you can talk to your daughter (very carefully, and God-led) when it’s appropriate, asking her if you can do some things together as daughter and grandchildren once in a while. Tell her it’s nothing against her husband, but it would mean a lot if it could happen. And then make sure that you tell her to let him have that type of time with his parents sometimes, because it would be a wonderful gift to give them once in a while. If this can happen, then great! If it can’t, then you’re just going to have to quit looking at what you can’t have and focus on what you can do instead. Don’t put energy into the “if only’s” if they will take you down destructive mental roads.

      I recommend that you read and glean through the “Dealing with Parents” and the “In Laws” topics on this web site. You will find scriptures there and perhaps some ideas that may help you. Above all, you need to “take your thoughts captive” as we’re told in the Bible. Don’t mentally feed that, which will make things worse in dealing with the reality of the situation. Apply the Philippians 4:8-9 principle, putting your mind on that which God promises will lead you to His peace. There are times when I have to grab my mind (sometimes many, many times) and tell myself, “don’t even go there” and then put my mind upon that, which is “true, noble, right, pure, lovely” etc. As we’re told in Philippians 4:4-7, we’re not to “let gentleness be evident to all” and not to be “anxious about anything.” If we do this, we’re promised God’s peace. It may take a while to get there, but it DOES come.

      Perhaps (probably) you are called to try to find the good in your son-in-law and apply Philippians 4:8-9, in building him up in your thoughts and to find ways to encourage him in the good things he does (I’m sure he does some good things). By doing this, you may find things going in a better direction, plus, you will be doing this “as unto the Lord” in blessing our Heavenly Father.

      The saying goes, “that, which does not kill us will make us stronger.” That’s so true. These types of issues become character builders. We wish we didn’t have to be in character building situations, but that is something that God asks of us on this side of heaven. You see it throughout the Bible. He cares more about our character, than our comfort. I pray for you Louisa, I pray the Lord helps you, comforts you, and leads and aids you in directing your thoughts in healthy directions instead of giving energy to that, which you cannot change. If you can change it… wonderful, but if not, then it’s important to direct your energy and thoughts elsewhere. I also pray for God’s favor for you, that He shows you pinpoints of blessings amidst the difficult times. May you be blessed.

  21. Hi all, here’s my dilemma, I was with my more ex for ten yrs. It wasn’t the typical lifestyle in that we were so isolated from civilization the majority of the last few yrs and I suffered a traumatic brain injury after 3 yrs, suffered from an addiction, and was not a native of his home state. After we lost our job at a ranch for many reasons he has stated that he was resentful for that. He also had a personal issue with my past even though he had always known about it, in the end end, it was just one more check in the his, no way idea about us.

    He has proposed to me after my injury and there was a lot of issues about me going back to our isolation, which also happened to become my life. I’ve always been that girl that chameleons herself and life into what her environment or surrounding circumstances happened to be. Therefore I was a needy, clingy, lost wife that was starved of love by the only person in my life, after ten yrs.
    I had gotten married to this man , who i still love today, had my entire life with me because I was married and on my own with my husband, therefore, I had my entire life across the country.

    He pulled away for a few reasons, that I can say were kind of legit. But aside from my character flaws in his eyes, the fact that I became a different person after my brain injury he also said he fell out of love. Meanwhile I could sense something wasn’t there but I loved him and still do, so much so that I in turn tried too hard to where he no longer felt a desire or lost his try or desire to keep anything regarding me at all.

    This has left me with the biggest, most undesirable, most loss of confidence, esteem, and self respect because, even though he may have hidden his true feelings, to me it’s as if he kept me in volley until he had something pretty secure with someone else, and then it was the harshest reality check imaginable from the one person you were subjected to in ten yrs.

    I had no friends because I went from the outgoing, fun, funny, personal, and somewhat self assured person he loved to this awkward, no self confidence having, insecure person that was making him feel less than, like he felt that he was going to be ostracized and judged by all of his small-town friends. Almost embarrassed by me and thinking that he was screwed in his getting a hot fun wife, like he thought he didn’t have… please give me your take on my scenario –a little advice that might give me even a little bit of positive gain. Thanks.

  22. Bottom Line: Two words – Mutual Respect. Think of the other persons feelings (women and men both) before you speak. Never, never criticize anyone in front of others. It takes 10 positive comments to make up for one negative comment.

  23. I have been married 28 years. My husband and I have always had ups and downs. Been to marriage counseling many times in the first 15 years. Since my kids have grown up, he has changed. He neglects me. Tells me to shut up at times. Did not bring me flowers on our 25th anniversary. He keeps secrets and lies to me about things. Tells me everything is fine with us even though we don’t talk much. He is only allowed to talk. Says I am crazy or I am making up things when I tell him we don’t communicate any more or he doesn’t care about me anymore. He ignores what I say and says he didnt do anything wrong. He puts on a nice show in front of my kids. I am mentally exhausted. I am trying to get him to change or I will want a divorce. He got the oil changed on the car on our Anniversary this year. I thought we were going to breakfast.

  24. Can you respond to, why is it once your kids are grown, many men begin to treat their wives like strangers. So many of my Christian friends have ended up in divorce recently.

    1. I am going to offer my own perspective to a husband cherishing his wife. My husband no longer cherishes anything from me, he does not respect his fathers wishes in any way and really wants him dead. I also have to say that we deserve everything my husband dishes out.

      We spent 33 years controlling almost everything my husband did for the benefit of friends, for the benefit of special privilege in society or political positition, or just because it was easier than listening to people cry about my husband taking a right he earned, and not letting someone that had not earned it yet have what my husband earned like vacation slots. holidays off or weekends off, shift choice and job choice.

      We felt he should have taken pride in the fact his time solved many problems, he worked every day but ten from 1981 to 2009 helping family’s be together for vacations, assisting in getting fathers and mothers to be participiitory to their children’s lives, even helping in new relationships while they developed, however he feels any thing but pride in this, he asked us all why was it his responsibility to give his life up and his time for everyone else being forced to give up his chance for a family of his own. Now my husband staged and beat us all down in his 13 year revolt hurting many of us in the process, me he just forced into sex two years ago so that makes me infiinetly better than his father whose neck was broken in march by his son my husband in defiance.

      I really don’t know who was right and wrong in this. Two years ago I certainly did not feel respect or cherished when after three years of rehab my husband came home on a very cold February day after three years relearning to walk after MRSA set into his spine. was supposed to go to a political fund raising dinner with his fathers best friend when he came through the door, I felt nothing but terror the next hour. when first my husband told me I was not going. not wearing a outfit he had paid for and a jewelry set he had bought 14 years before Christmas 1997 and I had never worn it for him. He said you rembember what you gave me that year, my ten dollar bill and the two turkey sandwiches at the plant gate and everyone drove of laughing, he asked me why I thought I deserved any consideration or being cherished since I had not been a wife since the day we married, he asked had you ever cooked the one meal I had on my thousands of work days, he said I usually cooked my own meal because you were out with your society friends, did I wash his cloths. he said same excuse. he said did I ever have children, he said unless I was pregnant by another man never one of his, he said by the way how did I keep that from happening being the community girlfriend for my pimp father. He asked how many vacations had I been out CONUS to even a vacation for him being just at home, he said as far as he could tell as of 2 years ago the score stood ten nothing using the money he had to stay and earn for me to go. he then asked where I went on those vacations.
      That next few seconds I realized just how far the resentment he was forced to work so much went, that is also the evening I lost any say in the way holidays vacations and anything else in my husbands or my life, he also took from me my right to say no to sex, and has been running over everyone he felt wronged him over 33 years, and can add ten more years for his father and his inner circle of friends, in fact the last six years has seen his father so scared he was going to die at his sons hands 3 times he now sits and cry’s about no respect for any one now.

  25. Hello, I am 30 and my wife is 24 now. We have been married for 2 years and we have a 9 months old son. We live in a country where sex before marriage is totally not accepted. We met 4.5 years ago and started dating. Like any other couples we flirted, kissed and even had some physical action. Three months later while hiking in the woods we got physical and I accidentally made her lose her virginity with my finger. We never planned this to happen. I was totally scared and didn’t know what to do. She was like “it’s OK; don’t worry, don’t let this affect our relation even if things don’t work out, don’t let it affect your decision if you are not happy with me.” She said this every time I tried to talk to her about what happened and what she wants me to do.

    After that everything was great and we got engaged for a year before marriage. Since we got married we had ups and downs like any other married couple and she always says that I don’t talk much when I come home from work and don’t take care of her so much. And yes, I’m not a talkative person and over simplify things and maybe take her for granted.

    Two weeks ago she came to me crying and told me that she was not happy anymore because she tried to fix things so many times and every time she talks to me I get better and things get great for 2 months and then I go back to the way I was before. She said a friend took care of her and gave her attention more than I did when she needed someone to talk to, when hurt because of my neglect, while I should be the one doing this because I am her husband, and not the other guy.

    she said she pretended to be so strong all the time even when she lost her virginity and she said she only married me for that reason because she was young and afraid if her parents found out and didn’t know what else to do. And she never told me that before because she didn’t want to hurt me but she couldn’t anymore.

    Since we met she always told me that she doesn’t believe in love and she believes in actions and happiness. Things were great and she was so happy to be with me. I treated her right and she even said that in a certain period I made her love me because of the way I treated her and now she doesn’t want to give affection and doesn’t want affection in return anymore. She will keep taking care of the house and me, and cook for me and take care of our son and everything else, just like before, but of course no sexual or emotional life and our son will be her only interest. She wants me not to ask for anything more than that. And she is still my wife only because it was a decision she took.

    I’m so deeply in love with her and would do anything to fix our marriage but she said that I can’t fix anything anymore. She doesn’t want me to fix anything and she will not love me again whatever I would do or change because I’ll go back to the same way we are now and she will get hurt again. Now she stopped talking to me the way we did before unless it is something about our son. She says that she doesn’t want me to get her involved in anything concerning my own life and not to interfere in her own life as well. When I ask her how she’s doing or anything about her she says “don’t worry about me, just take care of yourself”.

    She still decorates the house and buys new stuff for the house, and asks me my opinion before she does. When I come home from work she asks me if I had lunch and if I want to eat. If I say I didn’t have lunch she asks me what I want to eat and if I say I will just prepare any sandwich (considering she’s tired being all day with our son and taking care of the house and daily chores) she gets angry and says “you act like a little child; this is not enough food to give you energy I’ll prepare what I want.”

    Now I understand she is hurt and I changed a lot recently and I know my mistakes. But I just didn’t know better before and now I learned the hard way. I need another chance from her to show her that I really changed and I understand my flaws. I told her that but she said (in sarcasm) “heh yeah, it’s too early to understand.” Please help me with some advice on what I should do to gain her trust again and soften her heart.

    1. I couldn’t agree more. Especially the part about respecting your wife. My husband has no idea that he is not showing respect when he makes decisions without me or without talking to me about it first. It has created a real resentment and rift between us. Unfortunately I am reacting to it angrily and it is creating some serious problems not only in our relationship but in our family. My daughter blames me and sides with her dad. She also no longer comes to me to ask permission for things but consults with him and he makes the decision without me.

      And, to make matters worse sometimes the decision he makes also effects me as well. Recently that happened where he answered yes to something that I would have said no to. He insisted that she asked us both because she asked him right in front of me and that I simply forgot. I remember no such communication and even if it did occur, he fails to see that the matter was not directly discussed with me and that an answer was not given by me, whether she asked in front of me or not. It is possible that I did not hear the question, which is obviously the case here.

      He also feels it is his right to make major decisions in the house since he is the major bread winner in the family, which he has said on many occasions. He doesn’t pick up behind himself and neither does my daughter, although she is better about it than he is. His argument is that he works all day to keep the family going so he shouldn’t have to. I tell him I am not a maid and that plenty of men that are not married do their own laundry and pick up their own homes without expecting someone else to do it. Working all day is not an excuse to expect someone else to clean up after you.

      I’m at a point where I want to escape the situation. I love my daughter dearly and she’s the one person in my life that I would do anything for but I feel he is managing to pull her to his side. I know that I’m reacting angrily and sometimes violently but I can’t seem to make the two of them (especially my husband) realize that his actions are not respectful and not conducive to a good marriage.

  26. I love my husband dearly; we’ve been together over 4 years, married 2 1/2. I’m very nervous about bringing up the subject, but when I cudddle up to him, he just sits there. When the dogs come up to him, he pets and cuddles with them and talks baby talk to them. If I bring up how I’d like more affection he gets upset and says “everything is my fault.” Then I feel this knot in my stomach, and wonder if I should leave. I know he needs counseling; I’ve started going, and he doesnt know. I think if I did tell him he would think it was all his fault, again. I think he would benefit if he went, but I’m sure he would reject that idea, because he says I’m trying to change him. I said, I’m not trying to change you, I’m just telling you what I need.

    He’s a VERY good provider. I have a beautiful home (which is not in my name), a newer car; he’s always buying me new appliances, but I probably get 1 or 2 hugs a week. And he only says “I love you” really really quick if he’s on the phone with me, like he wants to get it over with and end the conversation.

    My therapist says I need to detatch and make myself happy and stop focusing on him so much. I don’t do little things for him any more, like brushing his hair, give back rubs, or cut his toenails. Sometimes I dont cook in the evenings now, because im so tired from work. I think he secretly resents it, because I’ve always done those things. I know he has a bad track record with women, and I as well with men. I just feel so needy and it’s embarrasing! I’ve always been independent to some extent, but I really dont want to leave, because he has a good heart and many other qualities I find to be valuable.

    I do know if I start telling him he’s a good provider, has a loving heart, and that I love him dearly, I feel his heart could come out. But really, the only time he’s affectionate is when he’s been drinking ALOT. But then he goes overboard and gets sloppy and embarrassing. I feel sorry alot of times, because he’s old and worn out from work, and worrying about things. Now I’m planning to go to a womens group 1 night a week, but I’m afraid he’ll think thats his fault too. I just don’t know what else to do short of leaving.

  27. My name is Moses I have a problem with my wife. We got married in 2012. She left me on December 2015 because I lost my job. She just says to me I am going home to refresh my mind and from December and January no call from her, in February I tried to call her to check on her asking how she was coping there with my boy because she left with him. I love her very much and I don’t want to lose her.

    We are in treatment. I love her the way she is. On Valentine’s Day I tried to surprise her by visiting without telling her that I was coming to spend with her the day of Valentine’s. It was bad day for me and I ended up wanting to take my life myself because of cheating of my wife. So I’m writing so I can get advice. Please help. I’m not coping well. We are HIV positive, all off us. We met because of this treatment so that we can take care of ourselves. Advise me please before I take my life. I know this is not the end of the world but do care of that worman.

    1. Dear Moses, I am so sorry, brother for all of the pain you are experiencing in your life. I know it seems like God isn’t listening to your prayers because of everything you are going through. But the fact you wrote on our web site shows you that He is trying to reach out to you to give you some hope. You simply can’t go through ALL of this alone. You need someone to talk with who can guide you and comfort you in an effort to find a solution. There is a ministry in South Africa called Focus On The Family-South Africa. They are located in Durban, but even if you are not close to their offices they can still get help as they do telephone counseling as well as e-mail. Here is their contact information that I want you to use and contact them as soon as possible, okay? — Due to the growing need and the demand for face-to-face counselling it has become necessary for Focus on the Family to establish an on-campus Counselling Centre to meet the needs of Christians and others both local and in the wider Durban area. Should you wish to make an appointment or need further information regarding this facility, kindly contact us.

      Contact Information:
      Monday – Friday 8:30 to 4:00 pm at the following:

      Tel: +27 31 716 3300
      Fax: +27 31 766 1113

      E-mail: correspondence@fotf.co.za
      Private Bag X1023,
      Hillcrest 3650
      KwaZulu Natal.
      Moses, I can’t stress enough that suicide is NOT God’s plan for your life. I am convinced that when you reach out to Focus On The Family you will begin to find hope and healing. Blessings, Brother! ~ Steve Wright

  28. I got divorced in 2007 because my ex was emotionally abusing me and I couldnt handle the pain anymore. It got to a stage my heart had hardened and my tears had dried up. Then after 3 months of being divorced I met a man through friends of mine, whom I sm married to today.

    In the beginning he was great; he went the extra mile but he cheated on me once. I forgave him and took him back… My biggest problem is that he doesn’t cherish me. He buys me everything I want, he looks after homeless people, he will treat kids with love and care, no matter whose kids they are, but he has very little to no time for me.

    He worries about his cars all the time. We cannot spend time alone because he is either too tired (sleeps instantly) or he’s busy on his ipad checking for cars/parts. He makes his own decisions and foes not ask my opinion. We were traditionally married but we are not legally married as we have never been registered. Whenever I bring up the topic about getting registered he gets angry.

    All we ever say to each other now is hi and bye… I have approacged him several times and he says sorry, we kiss and make up but a day later it’s back to square one. It’s our 5th wedding anniversary this Friday. And it’s also my granddaughter’s 1st birthday so we decided to put our celebrations on hold for our angel. I dont know what to do. I feel rejected, hurt, unloved. I feel it’s better to get rid of myself.

  29. I live in South Africa. My wife of 4 years makes too many unilateral decisions. She has done this for the past years we have been together and yet even though I sometimes show her I don’t like it she continues with her way. I asked her parents and sisters for advice and help but nothing changed. Seeing that it doesn’t help, I asked her for us to visit a marriage counselor but she always has work excuses and says she doesn’t have time. This decision is making me sad. I sometimes don’t get an erection when I am in bed with her. She made the decision to take her female co workers to an out of country trip for a week without my consent. I just heard of it when I picked her up from a business meeting she attended. I don’t mind if it is a good idea but she didn’t even bother to ask if she can do that or not. This one I say is a ticket to a separation of which I dnt think I will be able to reconcile.

  30. Amazing article – if only my husband would take the time to read it. My husband and I have been married 16 years, but have to say over the years of being married I figured out that he doesn’t do well with hidden message. So I’ve become more straight forward in what I want from him. I still haven’t seen much progress. The only thing I get from him now is like he’s almost forcing himself to show me attention; it’s unnatural and it’s always at the most awkward times. But when I do tell him something or want something or need his attention it goes over his head.

    And as this pattern continues I eventually get so frustrated and call him out on his behavior but he denies any wrongdoing; he gets super angry and defensive and throws it in my face the awkward times when he does give me attention. He also starts accusing me of thinking that he doesn’t love me. This is emotionally draining me and I’m feeling ill and I don’t know how to make it stop, and he is not the type to seek marriage counseling or talk to strangers about our private matters. All I know is this is driving me insane.

  31. We are military. We have been married for 8 years. 2nd marriages for both. He is currently on his 2nd deployment. He left for the 1st deployment a month after we married. We dated 2 years prior to getting married. During the 1st deployment our relationship drastically changed. He grew distant. The harder I tried, the worse it got. That was 8 years ago.

    Things seemed to level out but it never was the same. This deployment has pushed us both to our braking point. Last straw for me was, 2 days after coming home, he is flying us to his hometown in NY. Then suggested we go to a vineyard. It’s the same vineyard he married his 1st wife. I’m devastated! He doesn’t understand. He said I was emotionally abusive. Am I wrong and how can this go up from here? Thank You.

  32. My husband and I have been married for five years. We have had a LOT of ups and downs. I have always told him that he doesn’t meet my needs. He doesn’t kiss me without me asking for it. He doesn’t tell me good morning or that he loves me. He doesn’t do any of the things that I expect of my husband.

    Recently, he moved in another woman into our home. Originally, it was to help her get on her feet; her two children are also here. I was ok with the arrangement, until he cheated on me with her. Since then I’ve been telling my husband that it’s her or me. He refuses to choose and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve been living like this for almost 2 months now and I am beyond fed up, but don’t believe in divorce. I want to save my marriage, but I want to feel chosen, loved, and safe. I promised to love him for better or worse, and that’s what I intend to do. I’m just not sure how to get this woman to leave our lives completely. Oh, and her kids, are not his.

  33. I feel sorry too for you. My husband and I have been married for eight years and we have always had troubles since. When I gave birth to our son he was already having an affair with another woman. I felt so bad that I never told anyone, not even my mother. I got so depressed. Ever since I got into his house he has never really bothered what I wear or what our son wears he only provides school fees and school uniforms and books. I don’t know what to do because I earn so little since I never went to college or university. Life is hard in Kenya for people with little education and I can’t provide for my son alone so am just hanging around because of my son. Our relationship has gone sour; no sex no nothing. If I get another man who will love care and cherish me I will run to his arms, that’s what I feel.