We encourage you to read the following article titled, “What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife.” But first we encourage you to watch a You Tube comedy video titled, “Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife.” It is written and performed by Tim Hawkins, and gives pretty good advice (and funny too)!
Things You Don’t Say to Your Wife!
Please click onto the following You Tube video link to enjoy:
Here’s another You Tube comedy music video for you, which you might find helpful (as well as funny). This comedy song is written and is performed by Dante:
And then, after reading the article below, we provide a link to an additional article to read, which could further.
And now for the article:
WHAT EVERY HUSBAND SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HIS WIFE:
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”
Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are: (1) to be cherished, (2) to be known and (3) to be respected.
She Needs to be Cherished
“I can’t understand it, Doc.” Doug was talking before he even sat down in my counseling office. “Lisa has everything she could possibly need. She doesn’t have to work, she buys lots of clothes, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful—but she’s miserable.” Doug shook his head and said, “I just don’t get it.”
We talked a bit more about his seven-year marriage and how he tried to express his love for Lisa. “I’m not the talkative type, Doc,” he said. “I show my love by providing the very best I can for her.” This poor husband didn’t realize that his love-starved wife would have traded all the clothes and vacations in the world for a little tenderness from him.
Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. This need is too often overlooked by husbands because we don’t feel the need for it as deeply as women do. But that doesn’t discount its validity. Your wife needs to be cherished.
She needs to know she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies or a night with your wife, she needs to know you would choose her—not because you have to, but because you want to. What can you do to cherish your wife?
Consider how often you say, “I love you.”
Some men don’t feel the need to say it with words, but every wife has an insatiable need to hear it. Your wife also needs evidence that you are thinking about her during your day. A small gift or a quick phone call to say, “You are on my mind,” can mean the world to her.
As a man, you probably have no idea of the effect you can have on your wife by being gentle and tender, making her feel cared for.
…Does cherishing your wife mean sacrificing golf games, success at work, or nights out with the boys? Believe it or not, the answer is no. When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence.
Does she feel important?
Before Doug learned to cherish Lisa, she would complain about his fishing trips. In fact, Lisa wanted a separation because “standing by a lake was more important to Doug than I was.” But once Doug genuinely made Lisa number one, once he began to express true tenderness, Lisa pleasantly shocked him: “I’ll cover for you at the meeting next Thursday so you can get an early start on your fishing trip if you want.” Lisa made this offer because she now felt secure in her position of importance.
“To love and to cherish” is more than a phrase from your wedding vows. It is one of the most important needs your wife will ever have. By meeting it, you are sure to build a partnership that brings you both pleasure…
She Needs to be Known
For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m a psychologist. I often spend my day doing just that with my clients. I know how to empathize with a person’s pain, to feel his feelings and convey understanding. But when it comes to my marriage, something makes me want to solve Leslie’s problems instead of understand them.
She will tell me about something and I will passively listen until I have heard enough and then, as if to say I’m ready to move on to other things, I will offer advice. I’ll lecture instead of listen. To this day, it often takes every ounce of self-control I can muster to bite my tongue and actively listen.
At least I’m not alone.
Consider this fact:
Men say three times as many words in public as they do in private, while women say three times as many words in private as they do in public. Women like to match experiences, to draw one another out, to volley in conversations. But when it comes to talking to their husbands, many women feel like the wife who told me, “Talking to my husband is like playing tennis with no one in the other court.”
To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.
Men have a tough time realizing that offering a listening ear is all a woman needs at times —or a comforting hug, a loving statement like “You are hurting, aren’t you?” or “You are under a lot of pressure, aren’t you?” Listening to your wife talk without offering quick solutions, is the only way to meet her need to be known.
She Needs to be Respected
Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.
Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife.
To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights. I know a woman who, because of her upbringing, valued the tradition of having her door opened for her by her husband. She knew the custom was old-fashioned, but it meant a lot to her. For that reason she asked her husband to do it.
Her husband never took her request seriously. “You’re kidding, right?” he’d say. “Nobody does that anymore. That’s the reason why we’ve got power locks on the car.” This husband laughed off his wife’s request, and weakened his opportunity to meet one of his wife’s deepest needs —to be respected.
Respecting your wife also means including her in decisions.
I am always amazed when I find a husband who wields all the power in a marriage. He makes all the decisions, regardless of what his wife thinks. I know of men who make decisions about relocating to a new job in another part of the country without consulting their wives. There isn’t a quicker way to tear down a woman’s sense of self and ruin the possibility of a happy marriage.
Build your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about. What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should. What would you like?”
Be supportive and accepting
Respect says, “I support you; you are valuable to me. You don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect, a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman!
This article, written by Les Parrott, comes from the book, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. It is
They have also written two workbooks as companions to this book —one for the man and one for the woman. “The twenty-one self-tests in the workbooks will help you and your partner put into action what is taught in this book.” As an additional help, they have provided questions for reflection at the end of each chapter. These questions are suitable as discussion starters for couples or small groups.
— ALSO —
Below is a web site link to an article written by pastoral counselor, Dr Don Dunlap. Dr. Dunlap offers “a checklist of ways that husbands typically offend their wives.” This tool is designed to help men “identify specific ways that they offend their wives.” After going through the list, husbands can then identify and work through these offenses with their wives. Please prayerfully read:
• FOR MEN ONLY: A HUSBAND’S PERSONAL CHECKLIST
Filed under: For Married Men
(JAMAICA) I really love this site. It really teaches me how to know my husband much better, but my question is how do you get your spouse to stop lying to you?
(SINGAPORE) Does cherish and love mean doing everything that she wants? While trying to understand the spouse and yielding to her needs, are we saying that we give in to all things?
(ARGENTINA) Why is it that every counselor is blaming men in every problem with relationships? Do men have to sacrifice their all to women? Are men not supposed to have their own needs? If every woman should accuse men and even the counsellors tell us to pamper our wives every minute and treat them like queens and all that, then does it mean that women don’t need to be reasonable, strong and reciprocate love in a relationship? Should men always be the sacrificial lamb in everything? What is the sin in being a man for God’s sake?
Forget all this nonsense! A relationship should be a give and take affair. Men should play their roles and women should play theirs too. Enough of blaming men in all circumstances. Men are suffering too much under the present generation because of the bad treatment they receive from the women, the government that judge in favour of women and even the marriage counselors.
What I am saying is not that men should mistreat women but my problem is that I see too much injustice in the way that the so-called experts and everybody else out there accuse men. This gives the women more power to misbehave, knowing that every other person will be on their side. I know that even if all men cut their heads and give them to women in the name of appeasing, then there would still be problems in relationships and many women would still complain about one thing or another, because they don’t want to be mature. They only like to win, win, and win in every circumstance. I believe in equal rights and justice.
Dave, this article isn’t about throwing accusations at men and playing the blame game. It’s about letting husband’s know what a wife may need, just as there are articles in the “Married Women” topic explaining to wives what their husband may need. It’s ok to have articles written about each other’s needs, without one or the other thinking it’s all about blaming. Some of us need help.
If you don’t need any additional information like this, if your marriage is doing great and you and your wife feel equally fulfilled, then don’t use the information. And the same goes for wives who read articles pertaining to the needs of husbands. This is just information that some have found helpful. If it isn’t something you need in your marriage, then don’t use it.
And if you aren’t married, then don’t marry a woman who doesn’t believe in “equal rights and justice.” It’s as simple as that. But good luck on that one. If you think everything in relationships will be fair and just and equal, then you aren’t living in the same fallen world as I am. It’s not that things SHOULDN’T be that way, but most often, they aren’t. And those who think it MUST be, can often live very frustrating lives!
We aim for the best, and when we marry, we partner together with someone where we hopefully help each other live up to our fullest potential. But the reality is that there isn’t too much “justice” going on in most marriages. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is. And yes, the “injustice” of it all is a big problem. But it’s also the reality of what happens. It is what it is, and THAT is what we work to improve upon, whenever it is possible. We do what we can to inspire others to help us ALL “win, win, and win in every circumstance.”
I’m sorry for your frustration. I can’t help but think it’s not all about this article, but a cumulation of frustration where this article set you off. Sorry. I truly hope you are able to find more “justice” in your relationships. And I’m not being sarcastic here.
(U.S.A) Well, actually the Bible does say that we are to love our wives as Christ loves the church and died for her. So, yes, we are to be the sacrificial lambs. You are not your own, you were bought with a price. That is, of course, if you have been saved and received the Spirit of God. If you have you will agree with what I am saying and understand it. If not, you will not understand and be offended and resentful. In HIs Love, Geoff
(U.S.A) words of St. Paul in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.”
(USA) Hi Geoffrey, Can’t argue with scripture that is for sure. I think the gist of the article is to point a husband in a direction that will help him with his relationshipe toward his wife. There are plenty of articles that point the wife in the direction to respect, honor & love her husband. This isn’t an article that is meaning to be one sided only and that is the end of the topic and that is the final word of a 2-way marriage relationship. This is an article that is focusing on the husbands role toward his wife. There are lots of articles about the wives role toward her husband. Works both ways, wives roles & husbands roles. This happens to be about husbands roles toward the wife.
There are lots of important guides in this article and any wife would feel greatly loved if treated in this manner. You watch out when the wife is treated in this manner, that husband will be rewarded the nth degree. It’s give and give =both winning and a strong marriage.
(ZAMBIA) I concur with Alecia of Jamaica. Really, how would you stop your husband from lying? My husband of 7 years lies just about everything. He would be in the house and when someone is looking for him. He tells me to cover for him and tell them he is not around. He would bring in a new item and tell me his brother gave it to him. When I confront the brother he would say he did not give my husband anything. At some point we had an argument and when I tried to call his big brother, he told me that his brother would not listen to me as he does not like me, which was not true either. He lies about calls on his cell phone. He just lies all the time and it has been very difficult to trust whatever he says.
Can someone advice us on how to deal with such a husband? I do not want to disrespect him but, marriage built on mistrust is not good either.
(USA) Is any one still active on this discussion? Eric, no, it does not mean giving up everything you want. What it means is that a woman needs (can’t stress that word enough) to feel validated by her husband. She needs to believe that you would rather be with her than anywhere else in the world.
If she believes that, she will never give you flack for wanting to hang with your friends. But if your attitude consistently sends the message that she’s just a fill in and your real companionship comes from your friends then yeah, she will have attitude. Have you learned that a touch is like gold to a woman? Not just when you think it is leading to sex?
Most men will say I tried that. For how long? If you’ve emotionally neglected your wife for years, a random touch or two is not going to fire her up too much. She expects disappointment whether she realizes it or not. By the way, a back rub for the sake of a back rub, is a wonderful treat when its not used as foreplay.
An acknowledgment for a good idea, or that she may have some valuable, intelligent input on a given subject is good as well. Do you give your wife credit where credit is due? When one of your friends say’s, “Hey man, that really worked, good idea”, do you just take it as your due or do you say, “Man, my wife thought that up. Isn’t that cool?” Let her hear you compliment her.
Do you really care how she spends her days or are you just happy your needs are met and she isn’t a harpy? Do you listen when she talks or do you have her frequency and have it tuned out? A woman who has an active, intelligent mind and has committed herself to you is a true treasure. Are you appreciating her qualities as much with her as your wife, as you would the same traits in a co-worker?
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, My husband has totally changed from what I knew. There is this woman whom he calls his friend and the woman has just lost her husband (died). I really do not understand their connection. My husband tells me he is helping this woman because they have been friends long before me. He is assisting him with the finances.
I’m totally not comfortable. I don’t know if I’m overreacting but lately she is driving my husband’s car without anyone notifying or giving consent. In fact I feel like a trophy in this relationship because nothing is being discussed with me. All he says is I should learn to trust him because there is nothing happening between the two of them.
(USA) He may have good intentions, but this will only lead to disaster. 99% of men don’t get involved with another woman’s needs, without eventually getting something in return.
(USA) Well.. this might be a unique situation.. but I feel my roles in my marriage are reversed. I cherish my wife, tell her I LOVE YOU almost every day. I am sensitive to her conditions and emotions, and put her first most of the time. She isn’t the dominate "pant-wearer" in the marriage… but how I feel about things is that EVERYTHING it says a man ISN’T to his wife… well I do all those things but she is unresponsive.
She doesn’t care for romantic things when I (used) to try them. She isn’t the touchy/feely type (as am I). I try taking her on dates but she doesn’t want to do more than go to a movie and dinner. I have been married 21 years now and have 4 children. OK… so what am I suppose to do?? I feel if I ask her to change her ways to fit mine, that I am asking her to love me when I think that these are natural things that exist in a happy, loving marriage.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I suspect that your wife has a REAL problem which she is carrying with her from before you were married – childhood or past relationship trauma. I have the same problem with my husband, he simply can’t see past his own demons. I think your wife needs counselling and prayer to be set free from her past.
(USA) You may want to discuss if YOU have caused hurt feelings in the past. I have somewhat of that problem with my husband. He has done some very insensitive things and deeply hurt my feelings and never willingly acknowledged it. It’s hard to want to be close to someone who does not seem to care how you feel and always invalidate your feelings on matters. And no matter how I expressed myself he’s right and my feelings are wrong… or it’s just not that way at all, it’s in my head, there’s something wrong with me… INVALIDATION!
Try hugging that around your ego for many years… don’t you think that would put ice on the fire?
(USA) Your comment sounds like it could’ve been written by me. After so many years of hurtful things, him always putting himself first (although he would never admit that), the sexual jokes, the constant “I want sex” but no effort to show respect to me, never trying to make enough money but always plenty of time to have fun with his friends, I am miserable. I feel like a have a teenaged son instead of a husband. I still haven’t given up hope and am SO glad I came across this website. Maybe this can get through to him.
(NIGERIA) I used to face the same as you do, but I discovered a short cut to arresting the situation. What I did was that once in a while I pretended as if I don’t care any more. It’s not really easy because of the love I have for her, but I had to endure for a while. Whenever she saw me staying away I’d see her coming around. I believe that the way we do the petting is not the they want it, so allow her to try it her own way. It may work.
(KENYA) An excellent article. I see my weakness in appreciating my wife. I will benefit from the article; but my question is, at what point does my wife listen as well? My wife will also interject before I complete speaking.
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think this is a situation of ‘habitual response’ – it took you guys a long time to get to this stage and type of response to each other and it’s gonna take a while to get to where you should be. There is no such thing as a quick fix. You should see if you can get her to read Gary Chapman’s book “Now You’re Speaking My Language” – It’s brilliant!
(CANADA) I am married to a man who lives in the United States and me in Canada and he could be with me and work from home but chooses to live there because he can’t leave his past and come to live with me. He is still taking care of his previous family. We were going out for 6 years before we married. His kids will not meet me or have anything to do with me and he will not stand up to them.
I went to live with him in the states for 8 months but he didn’t show me he cherished or took care of me or helped me get a job. Now I am in Canada and working in a great job and he wants me to quit and move back there with him, but I don’t think our marriage is strong enough. It is all about him and his kids who are now young adults.
I feel my life is on hold and would like to get some answers on how to handle this. I don’t know why he married me if we are to live in separate countries. I feel every day that I should end this and move on. I wish I had the answers because I have to get off this merry-go-round. Please help me before I go crazy because I think he or me needs a wake up call. I want to leave but can’t get the courage to do it.
(UNITED STATES) Well, I’m sorry you’re going through your situation. It sounds like but my husband is in your house. I say give it to God. I think that if you marry (true love is eternal), hope it works out.
(INDIA) It isn’t as simple as Phil makes it appear. A woman is great till you marry her. Then her real self takes over. It depends on the parenting, environment in childhood, presence or absence of emotional abuse and religious beliefs that make her real self.
What a wife wants could vary from what Phil has written in the article on one end to psychiatric advice on the other end of the spectrum.
(USA) Do you think anything will turn out positive way in a marriage, if man thinks that a woman is great till you marry her? I married an Indian and am very close to Indian society. Do you expect to see a happy woman when she is valued only by the amount $$ of her dowry, when most financial support has to come from her family, not from husband?
Which woman will be happy if her child delivery cost also MUST be covered by her parents. “Tradition”? The first child’s mother has to take care of her and the girl’s family has to cover up expenses. Marriage expenses are the same, covered by girl’s parents.
Women are used as a source of income, as a result they get nothing, no appreciation. She has to cook, clean for him, obey him and any emergency her family has to help. On top of it the man dares to compare his wife with someone else before saying about the woman, that she is good till you marry her… think then, what about you?
(SOUTH AFRICA) I think it IS that simple – I think WE make it more complicated by not allowing God to set us free in all those areas you (Ma) mention and then using them as excuses to not work hard on our marriages. OBVIOUSLY where there is an actually psychiatric problem, some medical assistance is neccessary, but unless you’re certifiably nuts, Phil’s commentary is EXCELLENT as a guideline to get our marriages on track.
(US) I’m in ministry — my wife is an ideal “worker” but a difficult wife. If I WASN’T in ministry I wouldn’t still be with her! She’s a perfectionist who is critical and demanding. Recently she started timing my sermons. I really don’t like her at all and the only motivating “love” I feel is habit (over 25 yrs).
Cherishing her means my desk is never cluttered and I do all things according to her detailed demands. I think if something happened to her I’d have a hard time faking mourning. I will probably regret posting this and never appear on this site again. But in this moment it feels good to say it. She makes me feel empty.
(KENYA) I feel so uplifted by this website. I have a husband (not sure if I should call him that because we got a marriage certificate just so that we could process his visa. We have never introduced each other to our families even after 10 years of dating). Our plan was that he joins us abroad then we can get introduced to our families and even have a wedding. We had been separated by distance for 5 years but then 2 years ago I helped him move to where our son and I live so that we could be together as a family. Ever since he set foot here, it’s been constant arguing and fighting and blaming me and forcing me to accept that I lied about my past (I didn’t lie and I will never trade the truth for a lie).
Sometime in May this year, we had a very bad argument and I went for the knife. I was determined to harm him. Since then, we separated because I started thinking of injuring him seriously. Since he moved, things have been better. I stay with my son and he comes to visit us whenever he can. Initially it was on a daily basis but now it reduced to once a month or so. We had agreed that I take care of our son and he pays for all the schooling.
In August, he initially refused to pay but eventually he paid up. This month, I called him telling him about the payments and he refused to pick up my call or call back. So I ended up paying. I feel bad about it but I take it to the Lord in prayer. Our son doesn’t deserve this kind of a father. No child does. I wish he could take up responsibility and spend more time with his son. I am now expecting our second child and I get cold feet just thinking how I will be alone raising two children while their father is out there not taking care of them. Please advise me on what steps I should take and pray for me… I need to be covered in prayers… for my son and unborn child too. I rest on 1 Timothy 5:8 “if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
(US) A husband and wife should love and respect one another more than immediate family.
(BOTSWANA) Marriage on its own, is a blessing and has to be respected once in it, Hebrews 13 v 4. So a husband has to treat his wife as a beautiful flower, and that flower has to be taken care of; it has to watered at a regular time to maintain its beauty. You know that a flower turns into a fruit, and fruit will be children. Those children will also be given that care. Husbands must love and understand their wives.
(US) Respect and love must go both ways or it is untrue.
(USA) I can’t say enough times how I feel. I can’t show enough attention; my obsession goes beyond the actual meaning. How do I demonstrate my thoughts and feelings in both sexual ways and simply showing her without looking like a blooming idiot? I would simply die without her. She is my world!!!!!!! Rick