When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Dollar Photo Newborn baby touching his mother handWhat do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast, where Bob and talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Also, if you can give additional information and insights
to help others who will be reading this article,
or you want to share requests for prayer,
please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity

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Comments

426 responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

  1. I read Raymond’s advice to the couple of women who went through the same problem I find myself in. My husband got another woman pregnant and the baby is now 5 months. My husband has apologised but I just hate him for this. He wants to work things out but I cannot find internal peace to deal with this nor forgive them, it’s even worse when I see this other women with the child. Please help.

    1. That’s what I’m looking for – internal peace. It’s been 2yrs and I think my husband thinks I’m just supposed to let it go, just like that. If it was so easy I would have, this is the most devastating thing that I can not shake back from. I’m a strong female and can deal with a lot of stuff but this is one thing I can not find peace.

  2. I found out about my husband’s affair Thanksgiving of last year through Facebook messenger stating that she and my husband had (at that time) an 8 month old daughter together. Devastating to me I felt like my world had come to an end. My world as I knew of it was no longer the same. I have given this man 4 beautiful children and 23 years of my life and this is what I get!!

    It’s been 5 months now and I’ve asked him to get a DNA test before Christmas then for New Years then for my birthday in February and again this month (April) I shouldn’t have to ask him to do what he should’ve done before I found out. This time it was a big argument of why he hadn’t done it sooner. Why do I have to ask if you schedule the test. I feel like he’s still cheating on me with the mother of this child. I don’t want to be in this marriage of 23 years another week without knowing the results. The mother has posted their pictures all over Facebook for the world to see so Embarrassing! You don’t know the embarrassment behind this.

    I know it’s not the child’s fault I get that, but the mother on the other hand is the issue. How do I deal with her and her attitude towards me. I didn’t know anything about her just the we’ve shared the same man for a couple of years and she’s my oldest sons age, however she knew a lot about me…(crazy) how do I deal with the mother?

    1. Hello Remell, I unfortunately can relate to you. My fiance has just had a child w/a girl his daughters age. The baby is barely 2 weeks old now – this 19 year old profusely posts pics of the baby every hour of the day on Instragram. So embarrassing. Yes, I know all about that. She has no shame that she has done this sinful act. Very much like you–the other woman per se, knew everything about me as well. That’s the huge kicker for me…they knew about us, but yet saw fit to keep seeing our men and get impregnated. I know for certain that she did this to trap my fiance and try to make him leave me. He is 41!! with daughters 17, 19, 24 and grand daughters that are 3 and 5. He purposely manipulated her to believe he was 31…and she believed it??

      But what you said about the DNA testing…mine keeps procrastinating as well. He says the family would lose their minds if he asks for a test. I guess because they want him to be the father – after all he did allow her to put the child as the 3rd (III). UGH that hurts as well. He tells me that he is going to try and sneak the test privately and try to get it that way. We will see. I just want you to know that how I deal with crazy girl, I just basically have to block her out of my life best I can. I have ignored all of her “anonymous” text and messages. Fake profile messages etc. I am the queen and I do not have to deal w/the likeness of her. I am a woman of faith so I am trying to not be nasty on this site. But in all reality-these women have no values, morals or self respect.

      I have my entire life believed that no woman should engage w/a taken man. I have always made married men go back to their wives. ALWAYS!! And this is the repayment I get. I as well, am lost and confused. My fiancé insists he wants to stay with me; that he just wants to support the child. But yet I catch him in lies sneaking to see her and such. Don’t get me wrong-he comes home to me every nite but the overall deception and lies eats at me every day. I understand your pain and grief…I understand your resentment, and confusion. I understand being manipulated by the man God sent us. I’m here if you ever need to talk.

  3. Hi, the child’s mother doesn’t want me near her child or our house. The only way my husband can see the child is at her house and I don’t want that. Is it wrong for me to feel that way? I want the child to be part of her father’s life and our lives but I don’t know what to do anymore.

    1. Dear Hurting, This woman has had an affair with YOUR husband, and then SHE doesn’t want YOU near this child? She thinks it’s okay that she calls the shots after the way she participated in betraying you? This baby is not just hers, it is also your husband’s. She is obviously a person with very little ethics, & a cold heart. She will deprive this child of seeing her father because his WIFE, who is more than generous in all of this, asks that reasonable boundaries be put into place –not giving this woman the same access to him? …so, so selfish.

      As far as what to do, I agree with you that this child should be part of her father’s life, if it is at all possible. But obviously this mother isn’t making this possible. You can’t allow yourself to keep being victimized by this woman. Your husband and she have shown themselves not to be trustworthy when they are alone together. Please don’t lower your boundaries. And please don’t allow them the opportunity to be in places where they could victimize you further… even if it means that this child will be deprived for a while. You never know what the future brings, but if you lower your boundaries, matters can get out of hand. It’s the mother’s fault that there is no visitation, not yours.

      Your requirement for your husband not to see the child at her house is not unreasonable at all. Her cutting your husband and this child off from being with each other, except on her terms, IS unreasonable. All you can do is stick to your decision, pray, asking for God to try to work on this on your behalf. Perhaps He will persuade her even if it looks closed off at this point. Each day is one day… not the sum total of forever. Eventually, your husband WILL see this child, and she him… but under the circumstances put down by the mother, at this time, all you can do is pray, and see what God can do, until that is able to happen in a reasonable manner. Meanwhile, make sure your husband does NOT spend any time with this woman and this child without you. It’s too dangerous to do otherwise. SHE is being unreasonable and obstinate, not you. Hold tight, being steady and immovable on this matter.

      1. My husband feels that I don’t want him to be part of his child’s life and said that woman is doing that because when the affair was on I did not want my children near that lady so she is doing the same. He also said he will go to his child when he wants to although I don’t want that. Please give me help.

  4. I really need real insight and guidance quickly! I have been with my husband for 7 years, we’ve only been married for 4 months. Last summer we broke up and went our separate ways for about 3 months. To make a long story short we reconciled and have been doing great ever since, which led to our marriage. We just found out that during the summer he got a woman pregnant, we literally just got served papers. So in our situation this new baby was made while we were not together and we’re not even married at the time. I am only 25 and not able to have anymore children, so this situation has really punched me deep in the gut. This is not what I signed up for when I said I do! I’m really on the hinges as if I should end my marriage or not. I love him so much and he’s my Best Friend but how do I explain this embarrassing situation to family, friends? How do I accept this child when we’ve been trying so hard for one of our own? I feel like my whole world is ending and crashing so fast.

    1. So sorry to hear that. Please pray and ask God for guidance. I’m in a similar situation and I’m doing better each and everyday. I’m trying to be strong and move on from this. I’m doing well so far and I hope you too will do well as time goes by.

  5. Hi. Please help me. My husband whom I truly love will be having a baby outside of our marriage. She’s 7 months pregnant. My husband left us for 2 months and stayed with the girl but then came back to us. He said me and my daughter is more important to him than anyone else. The problem is he can’t tell the other girl about us because he was afraid of the girl’s family. Please help us as to what we need to do. Should I talk to the girl or my husband? I really don’t know.

    1. Ann, you say your husband is “afraid” of the girl’s family? What??? Do they have guns or knives or something? It’s good that he thinks you and your daughter are the most important ones to him but he needs to man up here. HE needs to tell this girl. She got involved with a married man (even though you were separated), so she must know the risks. It may be that you should be there too, but she needs to be told by him that she isn’t his main lady anymore; his wife is. And the family –they are on the sidelines. That’s up to their daughter to tell them.

  6. I have been married for 24 years; on the 12th of May 2016 I found out that my husband has been having an affair and there is a child of 8yrs old. The social worker commanded that even though my husband is paying child support, he had to go and see the child. My problem is will he not be in temptation again, because where the child is, is where the mother is?

    My greatest problem is, while he is busy supporting the child, at home he is doing nothing. All those years he cannot even pay tuition fee for my four children, cannot buy clothes and food for them. I did all those things, even for him. When I try to talk to him he will shout at me, now he is back with a lot of credits from the affair. He cannot bring even a single cent home, but the child whom his mother is the one who caused the credits is getting child support. My three children are at the university and I had to pay for everything and make sure that I a care for my husband.

    I am just a pastor who is earning very little from the church. Lastly if the church found out about the child and the affair and that he is still going there, even though he is going there to see the child, as he promised to stop the affair will it not damage the child?

    1. Dear Pastor Gladys, you have many different issues going on here, not just one. The fact that he’s a non-supportive dad at home is problematic, is just one of the many problems. And then him going to see this child without you being present is also a problem. You’re right, that it can lead him and her to temptation and send wrong signals to the child because of course, this child would want the “parents” together –you would be viewed as an outsider in this even though you are your husband’s spouse –not this woman.

      This is a bit more to sort out than we can do here within this limited format –you REALLY need to talk to someone personally, especially with the church “complications.” I recommend that you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family –South Africa –their counseling division at https://www.safamily.co.za. They may or may not be located near you, but don’t let that stop you. They could perhaps talk on the phone to you or such. I know that the Focus ministry here in the U.S. goes the extra mile to help those in the pastorate. I highly recommend you talk to someone there and see how they can guide you. You truly need someone to talk to who understands ministry confidentiality and the cultural and legal implications. I hope this will help you in some way. What a difficult problem this is… I pray the Lord gives wisdom and insight so you can do things HIS way.

  7. My husband had a one day affair with a woman. She got pregnant and now the baby is 4 months old, a daughter. Im pregnant right now with our child. It was hard learning that he got another woman pregnant. My heart hurts, my mind hurts, everything hurts. In dealing with this situation I’m asking the Lord to help me. Lord, heal my hurt. I’m not going to lie, as a child of God this shouldn’t happen. But God said this was ordained by him. I don’t know why, but I can’t go against what God has planned. If you obey God voice and understand he will give you peace, you’ll starting to heal , and most of all love those that hurt you. It doesn’t take long for God to heal the heart that has been broken. Yes the child is here, but praying and seeking God can turn your situation into a blessing.

  8. Wow! I never expected to get on here and see so many similar stories. I am 37 yrs old, & we have 3 boys ages 9, 11 &12. I have been w/my husband since I was 18 years old. He has cheated the entire marriage, but we always fought through. Only this month our little pattern has taken a complete turn. An affair from April turned into a phone call this Saturday, that I received from the other woman.

    She is 8 weeks pregnant. I am completely and utterly broken. Very long story short, I am reading all these stories of the Husband’s pleading to stay w/the wife? Well in my case I kicked him out, and he is now pleading her to let him “raise this new baby together.” I would not take him back anyway, & maybe he knows that, and that’s why he is reaching out to her? Or did he really fall in love w/ her? I guess at this point none of that matters; it’s just shocking that he hasn’t even told me or reached out to me AT ALL. I had to hear it from her. I have full Faith in the Lord, & that he will see me through, I am just so confused after so many years. How you can fall in love w/another woman after 2 months? I guess it’s absolutely possible.

  9. Most of the people in the modern Islamic countries like Bangladesh have not accepted such kind of children who come from an affair. In most of the cases the couple decide to do the abortion; but it will be such miserable conditions when a couple failed to abort because of her partner’s betrayal. In most situations the woman and her family decide to KILL THE BABY AFTER IT’S BORN. It is the reality in this country. How can we change this situation?

  10. My comment is I was with my exhusband for almost 2 yrs. We got married and within a week of the marriage I found out he had slept with 2 other women prior to the marriage, one I was particularly concerned about. He lied to me numerous times over our relationship before the marriage. He thought once we got married and I found out that I was supposed to just go on and be happy because he married me. Not so. Marriage is about love, trust, commitment, and putting the other spouse above yourself …but further and most importantly putting God first in your life so that you can be the best spouse and love with an unconditional heart. Cheating, lies, and affairs break that very trusted committed bond.

    Needless to say, that first week of marriage sent me in a head on downward spiral. The fourth day after coming back from our honeymoon my husband told me I married a loser. That is the worst and most hurtful thing to ever ever say to a bride. I left for an hour that day and when I came back I asked if he was saying he wanted a divorce. I was so confused and distraught that the man I married was saying I had married a loser. He was so furious I asked that he threw his wedding ring at me.

    Our marriage from the 4th day on was a complete disaster. Sure there were moments that I treasure. But because I could not get over the hurt and pain that my husband lied to me about his cheating and numerous other things I began to despise and hate him. He refused to apologize and would not repent. He shut down and I became more angry. Daily, I questioned his love for me. Daily, I questioned my self worth. And eventually everything I felt in my heart began to “spew” from my mouth. It flowed like a Tsunami and grew even bigger when he left me after 3.5 months of our marriage for his new coworker who was 13 yrs younger than him. She loved to play video games like he does. And did whatever he wanted her to.

    The day I found out about the affair I confronted her and she just stood there and didn’t say anything. I knew it was her. Within a week he tattooed her name on his arm. And she tattooed his name on hers. I filed for divorce a month later. And by the 9th month of our marriage because he never signed the divorce papers and claimed several times he wanted to try to work things out he found out she was pregnant. That day before I found out she was pregnant I had come to tell him I was going to drop the divorce and then he told me he was going to stay with her because of the baby.

    I marched into his parents house and confronted her and she spit in my face and threatened to kill me. And he did nothing. I stood staring at him waiting to see what he do, and he did nothing. I thought you want this wicked woman you can have her. The problem I have with this child is not necessarily the child but the fact I am barren. I have been barren for the last 8 yrs. I had a hysterectomy because I could have died if I ever had a child.

    I was suicidal worst than I have ever been in my life. I finished my divorce on the recommendation of my pastors, my parents, his parents, my friends, and numerous people I spoke to. I also went through the divorce because his parents are Christians and I didn’t want them to feel the shame of their son being married and with a mistress and their child. I told my husband to trust me to trust God. He couldn’t do either. I knew that she would get pregnant. And, I know that God could have worked out my marriage had I put my trust in him too. But I didn’t. I couldn’t trust him either and took the advice of everyone else. My heart was grieving. It ached.

    Almost a year later I still grieve daily. I pray everyday for my ex husband. I pray for his salvation. I pray for the choices he makes. I pray for the snare he is caught in. The Bible says they are caught in a snare. To go to Hell means to be condemned forever to gnashing and gnawing of teeth. To be in torment. To be in the bowels of fire. Imagine your spouse was in a burning car you wouldn’t look at them and watch them burn to death. You would run and scream for help. And rush to save them. That’s what you should be doing for your marriage when your spouse is in that burning snare. You should be crying and calling on the Lord to save your spouse from that burning pit. Praying daily, believing in God’s goodness, and if anything allowing God to strengthen your own faith. Allowing him to work in your own heart. Allowing him to help you forgive.

    I wanted 1 marriage. I didn’t ever want to be divorced. My relationship with my husband had numerous challenges before and during our marriage. One thing you can be assured is that God is faithful. He loves you. And he wants you to be successful. He wants no one to perish. Not even your spouse. So whatever you are going through give ALL of your burdens over to the Lord.

  11. Oh my goodness this is so hard and devastating. I married my high school sweetheart and have been with him for 26 years and have been married 16. Over the past 10 years things have been rocky but nothing detrimental. Well, the last 8 months everything spiraled out of control. I decided that I didn’t want to deal with his lack of attention and support and moved out. I had to go through the death of a parent and he was not there to support me but a childhood friend was. Bottom line I cheated on my husband. During the course of my affair, he started to have an affair of his own but was still trying to win me be back because he wanted our relationship – “he wanted his wife,” as he said. Finally, after 6 months of being apart, we decided to get back together.

    However, a week later, I found out that his mistress is pregnant with is child, or so she says. I asked if he had ever seen an ultrasound and was he sure that she was, etc. He says no he’s only going by what she has told him. He stated that he doesn’t want her child and has told her this repeatedly. I love my husband and I know that the only reason he stepped out is because I stepped out. None of this would have happened if I was a stronger person and worked things out with him from the beginning.

    Now I’m hurt confused but can’t let go. I don’t know if I can deal with fact that he may have a child on the way or how our two children will take it once they find out. They are both over the age of 18 but they have feelings too and that is their father and possibly another sibling. I am so confused and really don’t know what to do. I don’t want to divorce my husband and I want our relationship to get back on track but another child….

    1. Mandy, This has GOT to be more difficult than words can express. I’m so sorry that your husband put you in this place. As far as how to “react when meeting a stepchild for the first time”… it’s going to be awkward and painful. But eventually, as you keep praying and realizing it isn’t the child’s fault, hopefully, you will find that it will grow less awkward and less painful.

      And yes, the child will be a reminder of your husband’s cheating, but again, it’s not the child’s fault. Eventually, the child will not be just a “reminder” but someone you see who needs love and acceptance, just like any child. What do you think Jesus would have you do? How would He view and treat this child? It may help to keep all of this in God’s perspective. Please prayerfully read the article again and the linked article. Hopefully, they will help you. I pray the Lord ministers to your heart and helps you to grow in positive ways you never thought possible. May the Lord dry your tears and help you to do what He would have you.

  12. Hello my name is lisa. I’m having a hard time accepting our situation. My husband claims he was with her before we were together; she says differently. The child in question is now five.