When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Dollar Photo Newborn baby touching his mother handWhat do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.

God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

 Each day can bring a new beginning.

And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.

Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.

Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

Additional Help

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

Prayerfully Consider

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.

First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Also, if you can give additional information and insights
to help others who will be reading this article,
or you want to share requests for prayer,
please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity

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Comments

438 responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

  1. I desperately need advice from someone else who has been through my situation before. My husband and I have been married for 27 years last April. After we were married only 3 years my husband slept with an old girlfriend from his past and she became pregnant. She didn’t tell my husband she was pregnant. She knew he was married and did not want to break us up. My husband at the time was not a Christian. He never told me about the affair. About a year later my husband began to go to church and God changed him. (We had a 1 year old son and I was about 4 months pregnant with our daughter when he had the affair.) We went to church and taught Sunday school and I trusted my husband 100 percent.

    12 years went by and we adopted a beautiful baby girl. My husband got a phone call from a family member and told him that he had a 12 year old daughter from the woman he cheated with. That night he had to tell me about it before I found out from someone else. I thought I would die. The pain was so devastating I prayed I would not wake up the next morning. I was horrified about anyone finding out. I was so heartbroken I could barely breathe. I felt like I needed to see the child which was 12 years old at this time. I had to see what she looked like; I had to know did she look like my husband, maybe she really wasn’t his after all.

    The very next morning my husband called a relative and got the mom’s phone number and called and ask her if it was true and she said yes. She explained that she never intended for us to find out. She did not want to cause any problems for us. He asked if we could see her. She said we could pick her up at her grandparents and take her to lunch. When we pulled up and I saw her I knew she was my husbands child. She looked just like our daughter which was 7 months older than this child was. It took months for me to be able to stop crying every 5 minutes. I started sending the mom child support. The mom never called my husband for any reason. If we wanted to pick his daughter up I made the contact with her. My pain and anger was towards my husband not her. We actually became friends and she assured me from the beginning that she had no interest in my husband. It was something that happened once and she never wanted to cause us problems. We became close to the daughter and all was fine.

    I thought I was over all the pain and heartache. As the child grew up she realized all she has to do is mention something to daddy and he jumps to give it to her. Completely opposite of how he treats our children. He was very tough on ours and treat’s her like a princess. He had nothing to do with our daughter but would take his daughter on hunting and scuba diving trips. About a year ago his daughter got married and guess who paid for most of it. He would not even ask before he told her he would pay. When I get upset he says it’s his daughter and he will help her, just like he would our kids. When I stopped giving her money she pretty much doesn’t have much to do with me anymore. My husband takes her to lunch and doesn’t even tell me about it.

    It has been 12 years since his affair, but all the hurt of his betrayal has come back. I feel betrayed by him when he talks to his daughter or sees her. I don’t dislike her at all. I feel like he just throws me away when she’s around. I’m not sure what to do about this. She’s 24 years old now and I should be over this by now. It’s ruining our marriage because I am so angry at him for bringing her into our marriage. I just wish she was never born so she would not be in our lives. Her birth was the most painful thing in my life. But to my husband her birth is the best thing in his life. I don’t know what to do. I’m over the affair but I’m so betrayed by my husband and his daughter from his affair. What can I do to stop feeling this way? I asked him not to see her without me being there. But that made him angry because he feels she’s his child just like ours are. He thinks she is entitled to everything they are. The only difference is our 3 kids have to work there butts off to get it and she does nothing. He says he feels guilty for missing out on her first 12 years of life.

    On some days I’ll I can do is cry and then some days I’m so angry at him I think about leaving him. He just thinks I should get over it. Why should I have to work and pay for the things he wants to give her? I know there are things in the future that will be coming up like her and her husband are building a new house and my husband is wanting to give her about 15 to $20,000 on it. I don’t want to. We both work; I worked at a job I absolutely hate and he is making the decision without me. I know one day she will have a baby and I can’t even begin to think about my husband being there with her for that. I hate the way I feel about the whole thing. I’m not a selfish person at all. In 27 years I have never cheated on my husband, so I don’t understand why I’m the only one paying for his actions. Will I always feel this way? Will I ever just get over it and these feelings stop jumping out of nowhere?

  2. I just happen to be searching websites on healing after infidelity when I happened among this website. I am always amazed at how many people are going through the same thing I am going through. I have been married for 16 years. After the second year of my marriage I slipped into depression because of all the things that were going on in my marriage. It seemed as if nothing was going right in my marriage as far as finances and me finishing school. My dad had made some comments that I was doing so good before I got married and blamed everything on my husband. Hearing it so much I started to blame my husband as well. While dealing with depression I stopped communicating with my husband. I stop letting him touch me as well.

    In three years time my husband could probably count on his hands how many times we were intimate. After three years of my husband begging that we go get help he finally found someone else to spend his time with. After about a year of us trying to work on our relationship this young lady became pregnant. When my husband told me about this girl being pregnant he promised me that he would have nothing to do with her or the child if we worked on us. Well that proved to not be true because once the baby was about five months I found out that he was visiting the child all of the time and was even in the delivery room. Eventually the girl got the message that he had no intentions of leaving his family and she moved on and didn’t want him to see the child.

    Dealing with all that was going on and the anger and embarrassment I once again withdrew from my marriage and my husband. After four years another young woman came around (9 years younger than him). He said nothing was going on with this woman yet this woman would call my phone and send me messages on facebook about my husband. After he claimed he was not messing with this woman I found out that this woman had a child that was two months old. He claimed that he had just found out from the paternity test that the child was his. This child mother was on drugs and was in and out of jail. Because she was not reliable the child was with her parents. Because the child was with her parents he was expected to help out.

    I feel bad because I honestly do not want these children around. I do not have to worry about the first one because she is older and do not want to come around any way. However this last one has me worried because I am afraid that sooner or later he will be expected to take care of this child. I don’t want to hate this child (and I really do not), I hate the situation. I hate that some other woman was that intimate with my husband. I hate that this will be the last child that my husband has. I am embarrassed about what my family thinks about these children. The last child is about 5 or 6 and I still cry all the time and have not gotten over it. I am tired of my life being consumed about this situation because I honestly do not know how to get over it. I don’t trust my husband and I don’t feel loved. I feel insecure like I am wasting my time. Sometimes I get so angry that I talk to him crazy and treat him very bad, even though he is being nothing but nice. Any advice of help would be appreciated.

  3. My name is Jennifer. I have read a lot of the situations on this site. It is sad to say that I feel a little relieved to know that I am not alone with my situation. Once you are in a difficult situation, you feel all alone. I have been married for three years and my husband has a one year old. He signed the papers in the hospital not giving our marriage a chance if the baby wasn’t his. He continually lied about it constantly. The baby’s mother used to call my phone while she was pregnant telling me about their situation (only when she was mad at him). Other than that, she called and played on the phone.

    Anyway, the baby is here. I told my husband not to mention a baby to me ever. I told him if he decides to spend time with the baby and baby mother, we were finished. He sneaks over there and lies as if he doesn’t. I look at him and feels so much hatred. I continue to pray that my feelings for this whole situation will change. I still love my husband. It is so hard to look at him and not feel anger.

    He apologized for making a mistake as if it was nothing. I don’t feel that he really meant it. I feel deep in my heart that he is still spending time with the baby’s mom. We don’t have any kids together and we both are almost 50. I love kids and I know I can love his baby. However I can’t get past his nonchalant ego and this very small town talking softly about me still being with this cheater. Please give me advice.