Marriage Missions International

When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND

Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND

What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:


Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:


To read through a Forum which comes from the web site, please click onto the following:


The following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast, where Bob and talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

And finally, to read through the Focus on the Family Marriage Community blog, where there are a number of others who have voiced their opinion on this subject (some are even living through this situation in their lives), please click onto the following:


This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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290 Responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair”
  1. Amanda says:

    (USA) Danielle, I am so glad that you are doing better. I still think of you. You are right God is good, all the time. As time passes, it gets better. There was a point that I thought the whole situation would never leave my mind, but day after day, it slowly consumed less and less of my thoughts. Keep praying; there is power in prayer. Your life may never be the same, but that does not mean it will be terrible. I will keep praying for you and your family. God bless you!

    • Amanda says:

      (USA) Danielle, Just checking on you, haven’t seen a post from you in a while. Just wanted you to know I am still praying and thinking of you.

    • Rudolph from United States says:

      My wife cheated and is 2 months pregnant with another man’s child. I was faithful to her, I sacraficed for her, was there for her through her health scare. I loved her. I was a great husband to her. I don’t understand how a woman can do this to a great husband.

  2. April says:

    (USA) Is anyone paying child support but does not have visitation of the child? My husband had an affair that resulted in a son, and he pays child support, but we are not allowed to be a part of the child’s life.

    My husband was very remorseful about the affair. It has been 4 1/2 years since the affair and I’m happy to say God has restored our marriage, but I still struggle with not being able to see the child. The mother is not nor ever has been a Christian (she actually made fun of us for praying and reading the Bible together when we were trying to work on our marriage) and has been very difficult. We did fight for visitation which she made us go all the way to a judge just to see him, but that only lasted till the child was 9 months old because she was becoming abusive. My husband’s breaking point for stopping the visitation was when she attacked my husband during an exchange and our lawyer didn’t do anything about it but told her lawyer it was a “misunderstanding.” The police wouldn’t do anything about it either because there were no witnesses.

    My heart goes out to this child. I want him to know his father and brothers but the other woman hates myself and our family because my husband didn’t leave us for her. She has repeatedly said that my husband abandoned her and their child by not choosing her. She has vowed to ensure the child knows “exactly what his father is” and point blank told us that she will do everything to make sure my husband never has anything to do with the child. She won’t allow my us talk or see the child and has even returned birthday cards and gifts and demanded that we never send them again. My husband is a awesome father to our children and the other child is missing out on that.

    She thinks that she is protecting the child by making sure he never knows his father, but she is actually hurting him all the more. Her favorite saying is my husband caused this and by sending him cards or birthday gifts that he is only hurting him all the more. What I want is for her to be civil and think about her son and what is best for him and that is knowing his father and allowing him to be a part of his life. She can’t see past her own hurt and her family only supports her views.

    I don’t know how God wants to use this as part of our testimony because the first time I shared this situation with a woman at our church with who I was becoming good friends with (after almost a year of friendship) she put us down and condemed us for not being a part of the child’s life. She did apologize later for her hurtful words and I’ve forgiven her but the damage to the relationship was already done. I will say hi to her at church but that is the extend of our friendship.

    My husband feels bad for the child but is okay with the situation because it means not having her constant abuse in our lives and trying to destroy our family. I pray that God will harden the child’s heart towards the negativity being told to him about our family and that he will forgive his father for not being a part of his life and that when he is an adult there can be restortation and we all can have a relationship with him.

  3. Richard says:

    (USA) I caught my wife of 12 years with her brother in law. It devastated me but I did not say anything. I think my second child is his. That has been 45 years ago, nothing said, we have had a good life together, but the older I get, the angry feeling continues to rise in me. Forgive? It is getting very had to control emotions especially when they come around for family functions and act like all is well and nothing happened.

  4. Danielle says:

    (USA) Hey Amanda, I am ok but I have a lot of mixed emotions. A part of me wants to stay in the marriage. Then I feel that maybe we need to separate for a while because he is confused on what to do. He still is in the house but I just don’t know because he is still sneaking around her. Counseling has been ok but not a solution to the problem. We love each other and don’t want to let go of each other but I feel that he is not going to do the right thing for the marriage.

    He say he wants me but he had feelings for her. I am asking myself if I can handle the situation. The baby is a girl and that is what I wanted to have. I just don’t know which way to go. I feel when the baby comes he really is going to spend time with this woman and the baby. Sometimes I feel that I need to get out now before baby is born. Like I said, he still is at home with my son and I but he keeps sneaking over there.

    • Amanda says:

      (USA) Danielle, I am so sorry to hear all of that. I still am praying for you and I wish you the best. Keep praying, God hears all of it and trust me, he is with you no matter which way the situation goes. You are a beautiful person on the inside, you are still trying and that is what matters. Even if your marriage does not work out, do not beat your self up thinking it is something you have done. I promise you God will bless you, even if you cannot see it right now. Please let me know if you need anything or anyone to talk to. I have been where you are, I know just how you are feeling. I will keep sending prayers up for you and your family. May God bless you!!!

    • Hurtingsomuch from United States says:

      Hello, your story is slightly similar to mine so I was reading your updates. The difference is he doesn’t want anything to do for her and never had any feelings towards her. However, it hasn’t been proven that he is the father so it has been agonizing. I don’t know her nor want to find her. I just want the court to order her to prove it’s his or not. He has already lost his job over this. He has nothing but the hopes of us making it only if she is not pregnant.

      I was heartbroken that the happiness of my engagement only lasted 10 days. Then he suddenly changed and I didn’t know why. Turns out she found out about our engagement and claimed she is pregnant. I want all this to end, but I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the worst. We have been together for 6.5 yrs and he is the only man I have ever had true love feelings for. He will always be my best friend even if I lose him.

  5. Sarah says:

    (USA) My name is Sarah. I am 25 years old and have been with my husband for 10 years.

    Last year, I cheated on my husband a lot with two different men. I became pregnant and I am not sure who my child belongs to. I was so self destructive at the time. I was drinking a lot, abandoning my other two children and husband to hang out with friends and the man I was having a affair with. When I found out I was pregnant I changed completely. I stopped drinking and started spending every waking moment with my children and husband, but do the changes I’ve made matter. I am currently with my husband and living with this quilt everyday of not knowing the father of my child. I am scared to confess to him because there is so much at stake. I am afraid it will hurt my husband so badly, our marriage, and end in divorce. I am also afraid it will ruin the chances of my children growing up with both parents together and I am afraid my older children and husband will think or treat the baby differently. Should my family suffer for my mistakes? I am torn and lost on how to handle this situation. I do not want to tear my family apart, but I also do not want my husband to raise a child that doesn’t belong to him?

    • Tony says:

      (USA) Sarah, I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. It won’t be because you tell your husband that any of those bad things happen, it is because you had the affairs. So not telling doesn’t undo that.

      In addition, your husband is now living a lie. Every day he doesn’t know the truth about his marriage is a day he’s living that lie. He may not know the details, but I suspect he knows something is wrong. If you are so wracked with guilt that you are torn, that has to play out in your day to day life. The ONLY way to have any chance of healing this is to confess it and see where it goes.

      He may forgive, he may be devastated and not want to remain married. He may go through a wide range of emotions as he catches up with you in terms of coming to grips with what you already know.

      Your family is already suffering from your mistakes, and will continue to suffer as long as it’s kept a secret. The only hope of beginning to heal from your mistakes is to get them out in the open so the healing can begin. It is your husband’s right to know the truth about his marriage. And it’s the right of your children to have a father who has all the facts, who has the truth about his family so that he can make the best decision for him and his children. That may be with you, that may be with you out of the picture.

      But it’s cruel to have this knowledge and not share it with someone you say you love and want to be with. The most loving thing you can do for your husband and children is come clean about your affairs.

    • Hurtingsomuch from United States says:

      Keeping secrets and lying is how all of us ended up on this blog. You need to be honest with your family. I’m the one who was cheated on and though I am fortunate to not be married or have any children, I am beyond devastated to have lost everything. The man I love, my trust, my dignity, my pride, my persona…all replaced with humiliation and depression.

    • Ricky from United States says:

      God can forgive. You will have to make that decision and realize you may lose it all. The good thing is you have changed and want to still be married. I wonder if there is even the possibility that your husband is the father of the baby. It would be hard for him to love the baby and find out later that the baby is not his. Pray to God for guidance on what to do. If He has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself also. I cannot tell you what to do, but I know a family where the wife had an extramarital affair and their youngest daughter is not her husband’s biologically but is his legally so this child may be legally your husband’s since you are married. Confess to God and seek His will in this situation.

      • Melissa from United States says:

        Ricky, I am 25. I have three children and I cheated on my husband and am now pregnant with another man’s baby. My husband knows as he bought me the test. But he said if I get an abortion we’ll stay married and if I don’t abort we’ll divorce. Here’s the thing, I’m against abortion but I don’t want to lose my husband and family.

        I’ve started counseling and going to church. The father of the baby wants nothing to do with me but says he’s planning on doing whatever it takes to get full custody. Any advice from you or anyone else would be great. I asked God to forgive me. I don’t know if I can do an abortion but then I’ll lose my husband. How do I tell my family and friends?

        • Cindy Wright from United States says:

          Hi Melissa, I encourage you to please find a Crisis Pregnancy Center, located near you, so you can talk with one of the counselors there. I know of several CPC counselors and they are so kind, non-judgmental, and helpful to those who reach out to them. I believe they can greatly help you sort out this issue with your marriage and this baby. I’m so glad you are against abortion, and yet I realize that this truly puts you at war emotionally –especially because of your husband’s ultimatum to abort or else.

          Please know that none of this is this baby’s fault. He or she did nothing to deserve a death sentence. I can’t help but think that if God didn’t want this baby to live, and if He didn’t have an ultimate plan to use him or her in a redeeming way some day, that you wouldn’t be pregnant. God can take even the worst of situations and bring good out of it, if we give it to Him and not take things and people (babies) into our own hands.

          I don’t know what the future holds for you, and I certainly don’t want your marriage to fail, but this is not the way to save a marriage –by taking the life of another. It may be that your husband would stay with you if you terminate this child (or would eventually come back later if you don’t), but it may also be that he might eventually change his mind and leave anyway. That is uncertain. I’ve seen it happen before. It’s something you need to try to work with, given the enormity of his hurt. But something that IS certain is that if you abort this child, it will result in his or her death. That IS certain –the other is not. And you will have to live with that pain for the rest of your life. I know others who have done this to save their marriages, and they live with HUGE regrets over the abortion for the rest of their lives. This happened to my best friend. And to her dying day (she died of cancer several years ago) she had ENORMOUS regrets. I want to spare you this pain.

          Please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly (and so does your husband), and the situation is so painful –especially when exposed to the light, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. Wrong is still wrong. I believe with my whole heart that God is whispering in your conscience to choose life and to choose going in a right direction, rather than heaping additional wrong on top of past wrongs.

          How do you tell family and friends? That will be difficult. But the CPC counselor can help you to figure that out, and more. I hope you will reach out to one to help you process through all of this. Going to a counselor for the rest is good, but this is a specialized issue that needs specific expertise in how to approach matters. These CPC counselors have seen it all and they are amazing at helping women sort through these types of crisis points, more than you can probably believe. Just put “Crisis Pregnancy Center” and then put the name of your city and state beside it in Google, and you will find a list of centers in your state. They may not call it CPC (some of them are named differently), but they all give GREAT counsel.

          I pray for you Melissa. I pray for your husband, and for your marriage. I also pray for this child growing within you. May God minister to each of you in the ways in which you most need it. Please know that my heart is with each of you, and I have no doubt that God’s is, even more so. I wish you well.

  6. Rebekah says:

    (USA) My partner and I have been together for 5 years and we have a beautiful 2.5 year old son together. Throughout our relationship there have been many instances of him communicating with women on the internet and thru texts in a sexual manner. Everytime I found out I was devastated but I rationalized it by saying at least it wasn’t physical. There was so much good in our relationship I felt I should stay especially for the sake of our child. But the last time it happened a switch flipped for me, I was angry and hurt so I sought someone to make the pain go away. I met a man and had a 2 month relationship with him. I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant from my affair. The biological father wants nothing to do with the situation and told me to have an abortion which I could never do. My sons father wants us to stay together and raise the child as his own and has been incredibly supportive despite the circumstances. I am just worried that we are too damaged to be fixed. It is a horribly confusing situation and I feel so very lost.

  7. Nameless says:

    (South Africa) Thank you all for this. I would like to discuss practical solutions to children/child born outside marriage and what happens now? How do you handle, the children? The OW? Your spouse who is in the middle of this mess, confused mostly because he never thought this far, and moving on. Do you communicate with her? Do you just leave the husband to bring the OW’s children? Do you leave yours to go to the OW? There are so many practical things (apart from paying maintenance) that we need advice on.

    The emotional stuff I know. As women, we hurt, but God made us in such a weird and wonderful way, we cope, manage, and we move on. And with sadness in our hearts and tears every night, we smile and have no choice but to carry on. That is our strength. So with time, all emotions will be managed and we will carry on.

    Now, the OW: I suggest no contact with her –let her wonder what is going on. Pray for her (yes I know, God says pray from those that persecute you) –she did when she moved on to have a child with your husband.

    The children: Ask God to put love into your heart towards them. I would say prayerfully be good to them when you see them. If you are blessed not to have to live with them, treat them politely when they visit. Don’t ask anything about their mum. Don’t be drawn into anything they might tell the OW, and don’t try hard to please the husband –only God. If you have agreed to live with them… you are one forgiving woman, hat’s off to you. Now your journey of forgiveness begins. If you can love them as your own, you’re blessed. Anything less, please kindly ask if you can be excused from having to take on this responsibility. The Lord will still judge you if you mistreat them. You will accept and love them or you politely refuse.

    The husband –Pray for him to see the error of his ways and for God to change him. You cannot, so if you’re still hurting, and if you think you can now prescribe how things should be… stop; you are cheating yourself. You cannot do anything about what happened or what he will do next. You either take him back knowing full well that total forgiveness means if he does it again -you will have to start (not counting the past). If you cannot do this (this is what the Bible says, then think carefully -don’t just accept him back because he promises ABC. Take him back if you want to… there are no guarantees, but consider a 2nd chance in love a blessing, and treat it as such. If you do, he will start to change.

    Don’t take him back to punish/change him. He will just go back. Be willing to endure, to wait on the Lord, and ask God to transform you. To accept and move on, to love him as if he never hurt you. Otherwise you are lying to yourself.

    I do not blame myself for my husband’s cheating etc. However, if I go back in time and I look at myself honestly… I would have left me too. I wasn’t the wife that I should have been.

    In my situation, I see that the children are blameless, but I see them when I do. I don’t make an overly impressive determination to love them. I feed them when they come to my house, and he entertains all his children. I believe this is fair enough. He visits the OW, but the truth is she is going through what I went through, we all do in the end because for the most part we go through similar life situations. If only as women we could learn from each other and learn that hurting each other by having affairs with married men is not “living in peace” we would be so much better off.

    My note to the OW –everyone will stand in front of God. You haven’t sinned against me –this is between you and your God.

    • Brianna from United States says:

      Hi there. I have been married to my husband for a little over 3 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. Last year I found out that my husband had an affair while deployed overseas in 2012. We tried to make it work but I was unable to find closure because we never openly talked about it. Fast forward to March of this year, I go through his phone and find out he’s still been texting and calling this other woman. So I tell him to leave and file for divorce. He pleads to me to let him back home and that he’ll do anything to make it work. So I decide to put the divorce on hold and try. But I soon found out that he had been staying with the other woman because he had no where to sleep, and now she’s pregnant.

      I was devastated. He has since then apologized numerous times and wants to win me back but I just don’t know if we can make our marriage work. He tells me that he’s done with her and only wants me but he has said that before. The other woman was just as upset when she found out I was still in the picture and wants nothing to do With him. I need some serious advice as to whether or not it’s possible to be happy again after such a betrayal. I love him still so much but I’m so hurt.

    • Tshegofatso from South Africa says:

      Hi Oh wow! I am humbled by your godly response on this matter as painful as it is for so many of us married woman. I am from South Africa, and married- with the same problem, husband had an affair and resulted in a love child. Out of anger, I had filed for divorce, but he is adamant he doesn’t want to dissolve the marriage. The divorce is on hold. I have encountered the Hand of God regarding this matter and we are now going for couples counselling, to set grounds on the handling (maintenance, emotional involvement) of my husband with the other child. We have a 2 year old, and I’ve realised through God we can overcome this pain because hubby is cooperative at the counselling sessions. I pray that I do not become demanding and controlling but let God work with me and my heart throughout this whole messed up setup!

      As for the OW- May God bless her- she knew from day one he was married- hubby is also as guilty and I pray for him too. This is very hard, especially for young married couples. But this too shall pass.

  8. Taylor from United States says:

    This website is helping me. I found my husband to be chatting with someone he met on the Internet. He also was accepting calls and texting a girl that he apparently had a baby with, and another girl that he got pregnant and made her have an abortion. He would be gone for days at a time and when I would question him about these women, he would physically hurt me and then would deny it. One time he did tell me I needed to give him more sex and give him money when he asked for it.

    Today I went and talked to his mom about the situation and she said I was childish to not accept the situation. I think I can’t take it anymore and it is time for a divorce.

    • Jamie from United States says:

      Danielle and anyone in a similar situation. I am wondering how things have progressed for you? December 15th I was made aware of my husband’s affair, which has also resulted in pregnancy. Its only been three weeks and at first I thought our marriage was over but then I began to pray and read and ask God to help me forgive. Our son turned six the day after Christmas. My husband is still here and says he wants nothing to do with the other woman romantically, but though I’ve never had proof of sex my husband has done other things in the past that already had me doubting his sincerity, love and respect for me. We were already going to counseling with a pastor when this affair began with a mutual friend.

      Some days I am okay, others I am so angry or so sad. I feel so lost. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you too. I also wanted a girl and I am praying her baby is a boy as awful as that sounds… I don’t know how I will begin to see him as a man I can trust. I believe God understands this pain and therefore does not expect us to endure it if we want to leave. But I also believe He always wants us to reconcile and though my pain is so severe there is a bigger picture to consider; my husband’s salvation, as well as our son and this unborn child. I feel the action was his but the decision of the trajectory of our lives is mine and weighs so very heavy on my heart. Thank you for listening and I pray God will help lead us down the right path if we only listen and choose to follow Him.

  9. SADbutConfused from United States says:

    Thank you so much for this blog. God Bless you. My sitution is very similar. My husband and I got into an argument and he met a woman in a bar while he was drinking with his friends one day. He claims he was drunk and doesn’t remember anything. He had sex with her one time and she got pregnant. A month later I found out I was pregnant with my second child. Her baby was born and then my baby was born (4 days apart). It was devastating for me but I decided to give him a second chance.

    However, he went to court to pay child support and he signed the papers to not have anything to do with that baby, no visitation, no nothing! He says he doesn’t love this baby and he hates the mom. This makes me feel very confused, should I feel happy about it or should I make him be on his other baby’s life? Please help!

    • TruthWorks from United States says:

      Happy, be very happy! Your husband chose you, your child and the family God gave him. This is how all husbands should choose and this blog would be a lot shorter and lessen the pain. Imagine one second how your life would be with him constantly contacting the OW & going to ball games, school functions with her there still trying to lure him away. Through using the child’s comments she tells them to cause division in your marriage & telling the child to be disobedient to you. You have joint custody & are in charge of taking care of a child she tells/coerces to hate you. Imagine your husband’s affection and time, with you being divided between contact with the OW, her child. Then what’s left for you & your children & marriage God put together? God got rid of division in your marriage. It’s what we’re all praying for.

  10. Don'tknowhowtofeel from United States says:

    Well I just want say THANK YOU for this website cause I feel somewhat better that I’m not alone. My story is almost like everyone else’s. My situation has me feeling confused, resentful and just disgusted. My husband who at the time was my then boyfriend, cheated on me twice with an ex-girlfriend and at the time he lied to me and had me thinking that there was no way possible that the baby is his. So from my understanding there was no contact between them while she was pregnant and the first year of the little girl’s life.

    So I ended up pregnant with our second child and while I was pregnant with her we got married and everything was going good. Well he just came to me in June and told me he was going to contact the mother and try to get into the child’s life and that’s what he did. Once he made the first contact with her he sent her a message claiming that he was setting some ground rules on how things need to be and they agreed on it. Well when I talked to him about the situation I found out he was lying the entire time about how the cheating came about. I’m sorry if I’m confusing you but it’s just a lot.

    Anyway, I found out that since the first contact they have been texting and talking on the phone almost everyday since June. I told him how I felt disrespected and asked him to eliminate them talking so much but he shut me down and said that I have to accept there relationship or I can just leave him cause he’s going to be apart of their life whether I like it or not. I tried to be a supportive wife but now I’m seeing texts messages between them that are on a personal level. She sends pictures and text him all times of the night and when I addressed him and told him that I feel like he needs to handle that he told me I’m overreacting and that it’s not that serious; she’s only send pictures.

    I asked him why do she has to send pictures of herself and the child? He said she claimed she doesn’t have a lot of pictures of the child by herself but she had sent about 10-15 pictures of the child by herself. So when I said it to him he said he can’t control what she does but I just feel like he allows all of this to happen and as long he doesn’t address it to her then she is going keep doing it. My question is how should I handle him and her and the situation as a whole cause? I’m really am at my breaking point and he doesn’t realize that he is going to lose me his two girls and this marriage just to please her and this child.

    Please help me any advice will do… feeling confused and disgusted and I just feel like my feelings don’t matter. How can I talk to him without getting upset and acting out of anger and to get him to see my point of view on all of this cause I feel like my words are falling on deaf ears?

  11. Hurtingsomuch from United States says:

    I found this site in my desperate search for answers I will never get. Recently, I found out that my fiance had been cheating on me for two years. We just got engaged almost two months ago. Soon after, the woman he was having an affair with found out and claimed she was pregnant. She insisted that he leave me and when he wouldn’t leave me she threatened him. He still wouldn’t because she did not want to prove she was indeed pregnant or that it’s his. I only found out because to make him suffer, she told her company which resulted in him losing his career.

    It has been an immensely hurtful time, especially when we had actually set a date to marry and he canceled a week before leaving me confused. Now I know why. This woman has completely ruined our lives. He is in therapy and is suffering from severe depression. I am staying as strong as I can because I fear he will hurt himself. It has been almost three weeks since all this happened and no word from her. He does not have a job, his image has been ruined, our engagement was ruined, our plans are ruined and our health has gotten worse as the days go by. Yet, she has gone about her life as if nothing has changed.

    We don’t even know if she is pregnant, and if she is, if it’s his. He was married before and has two grown children. His daughter had a baby amidst all this and we have not seen her since because of the depression we are in. I have not faced my family as I do not know what to tell them. The only thing we have left to do is go to court and force her to prove she is pregnant and that it’s his. Until then, we are living each day in misery. He is a complete mess. He has hit beyond rock bottom and will do anything to save our relationship if she is not having his kid.

    Unfortunately, I cannot be with him with if she is. I just cannot. He wants nothing to do with her EVER. If she felt this was the best way to keep him, she went about it the wrong way. He does not have a job to support a child, he does not want to see her and he wants nothing to do with the child. He hates her. He will be miserable and probably lonely for the rest of his life if she is pregnant. Her actions will only affect a child she brings to the world out of spite, ill intent, malice, hate. I keep asking God how is it that ill intent people end up winning? Why did this happen and why everything around me is falling apart when I am a good person. Why?

  12. Michelle from United States says:

    My husband had an affair after 9 years of marriage and a child was born. I was hurt, angry, ashamed and mostly embarrassed. I was pregnant and we already had 4 children. We had just bought a new home and everything was story book. To say the least it was devastating. We did separate for a year.

    When we reconciled I accepted the affair and the child. I chose to accept it and to grow from it. I cannot change what happened or hide what happened. What happened, happened. It is now apart of us. I made no secret of the affair or the child from my children. Things happen, not that we deserve them, but they happen. We can choose to either let them destroy us and our sanity, or we can deal with it and allow it to be a blessing in disguise.

    We have been reconciled now for 4 years and we have visits with this child regularly. I opened my heart to someone that once brought me so much hurt and in return a precious little girl taught me how to love unconditionally. I am her Mom and she is my daughter. I may not have given birth to her but she has my heart none the less. My husband and I are better than we ever have been. My children have been taught that you never give up. Nothing is too big that God cannot restore and renew.

    Love has no limits. Love has no rules. Love is capable of anything. We used this experience to teach us how to love each other and most important how to appreciate each other. If there is one piece of advise I can offer, it is this: Open your heart it is capable of much more than you think. There is an overwhelming amount of joy that is not explainable or easily understood.

    • M from United States says:

      Wow!!!! I soooo needed to hear your encouraging words. You’ll never know how much I appreciate stumbling across your words. Bless you!!!

    • Leah from United States says:

      My husband and I went through a separation due to his affair. We had 2 children of our own and he was having one with the other woman. We decided to reconcile and I told him we would treat the other child as if she was brought to a new marriage. I have grown to love her as my own, but I worry how this will affect her. She is six and has made comments such as, “I don’t think my Daddy should have married a stepmother” and “If you (Dad) could marry my mom we could all live together and Leah can still be part of the family.” She is obviously trying to make sense of this situation and at some point she will realize she was a result of an affair.

      What can we say to her to make sure she doesn’t feel inferior or less than the other girls? While all three adults get along (her mom even attended the birthday party I threw for her) the older girls, now in college, have not accepted her. I just want to make sure she grows up knowing she is loved, but I don’t know how or what to say and how much to say at such a young age.

      • TruthWorks from United States says:

        Tell her the truth. More than likely the OW is feeding these comments. 6 yr olds don’t normally think like that. It is an attempt at division in your marriage and the only way to stop it is with truth, not a smoke screen that will lead to more lies. Tell her you’ve always been his wife. Don’t give details about conception at that age -who would? But always tell the truth in a loving manner and that you don’t understand either but God will help your family because she is right. Her daddy should not marry a stepmother. God hates divorce.

    • Joey from South Africa says:

      Thanks for sharing your story. Indeed what a mighty God we serve! It can only be through His wisdom and grace that we can see the good in a terrible situation. May God continue to bless your family. We need more stories like this.

    • Mindy from United States says:

      Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I’m going through a very similar situation. Married 17 years with my high school sweetheart and we have two beautiful children. His child born out of his affair is only a week old. His birth had brought so much pain to me but I know he’s innocent in all of this. I hope in time and with God I can open my heart to him as if he was my own. I love my husband very much and I’m very grateful that he chose to stay with his family. I know I’m being judged by family and friends for staying with my husband after something this severe and devastating as this has been to our family. But I’m following my heart and what I truly believe is the right thing to do for us all. I pray my husband will stay faithful and commited to me and our children.

      • Andrea from United States says:

        I’m in the same boat Mindy. I love him so much but feel that everyone thinks I’m crazy. And I don’t have anyone to talk to that understands me. We’re going to get counseling through a church I went to as a teen. We have strayed from our faith. I’m just really looking for someone out there to talk to. I don’t have really any friends. I’m so confused.

        • Cindy Wright from United States says:

          Andrea, You might also try contacting the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff that you can talk to. They don’t do long-term counseling, but they can help you to a limited degree, at least (and then lead you further from there). You can find them at and go into their “Contact Us” link at the bottom of their Home Page. I believe they would be a great ministry to talk to for some type of advice. I hope they can help.

          • Taya from United States says:

            Tonight I was looking for help, and I stumbled across this website and after reading all the different posts, this one stood out the most. Your words have encouraged me to keep moving. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and a beautiful little girl was conceived. She is here and now 6 months. My husband had the affair in the state of Florida where she lives and we are currently in another state. The mom is bringing the baby to see him this weekend and I am praying, when see her, that all is well. I’m still hurting and coping with the situation. I’m blessed to see others know how I feel and what I’m experiencing. I’m praying that our marriage will survive this and become better than ever. Thanks for your encouraging words.

      • Nichole from United States says:

        Mindy – you can tell your sweet spirit in your words. You are doing the right thing, in your heart and in God’s eyes. Like most times, the right thing is not the easy thing. Pray faithfully for your husband, your marriage, your children and if you pray that God will put love in your heart for this child, I can assure you that He will. There is nothing too big for God! While you will face struggles, I don’t believe you will ever regret your choice to stay.

  13. Determined from United States says:

    I found out about five months ago that my husband cheated and possibly has a daughter that is now almost two years old. The woman has three other children that she had lost because of drug use but is being helped by her family. My husband wants me to accept the child for his sake but we have two other children and my four year old son has been diagnosed with autism. That cut me so deep about my baby and all my efforts are to help him and my sixteen year old daughter get through this time.

    When my husband realized he needed to end the relationship, the woman insulted my son by calling him stupid and slow. The rage that was inside me cannot be described but I told my husband that I will never accept any part of that woman or the child. I understand that the child is not at fault but I will not accept a reminder of the awful thing he has done. I told him to financially take care of her if she is his but he says if the mother doesn’t make him then he won’t do it. This tells me he is not all that determined to be in her life.

    I pray to God every day for guidance but I will never accept the child but I also give him the choice to leave if he feels I am being unfair. I struggle with this decision because I don’t want to be wrong towards that child but I also think of the pain it has already caused my children. My daughter has such a hard time looking at my husband now and it almost kills me to see the disappointment in her eyes.

  14. Shana from United States says:

    (USA) Hello. I know what I’ve done isnt right but I have no where to turn. Absolutely no where. Here’s my story. I am 29 I’m a mother to 3 girls, one is 11. She lives with her father because I moved to a new town and she didn’t like it. 2 more girls that I have custody of, go with their dad on weekends. They’re 5 and 3. I’ve been married to my husband for 2 yrs; we have no children. He can’t have any of his own.

    For the past 7 months my husband started accusing me and my best friend’s boyfriend of sleeping together. We weren’t; we were hiding text as friends and would talk about getting together but didn’t until a bit over a month ago. We didn’t use protection the first time. The rest of the times he’d pull out except for one other time. Now I’m pregnant. It’s his, not my husbands. My husband, like I said, can’t have children. We tried at the beginning and he has been tested.

    My kids finally have a happy stable life because of my husband. When I tell him I’m pregnant he’s going to know who the father is and kick me to the curb. My family will disown me, the man that got me pregnant will lose his job because my husband is his boss. And his girlfriend will kick him out. We don’t want to be together. He even mentioned abortion; I said no. I asked today if be would be in the baby’s life; he said yea, maybe yea.

    We are meth users. I look drug free. I have a government clearance job and I am a medic, and fire fighter. No one knows we sleep, we eat, work, and the kids have everything. We spend time with my kids, have a nice house; everything we should have is great and normal on the outside. I am trying to stop using but it I just a top ill get sick and my husband will figure out why I’m doing it. When should I tell him? I wanted to wait til after Christmas so the kids have a good holiday season. How do tell him? What do I plan for? Should I try to make the father be involved? Should I just let him go on and handle it alone?

    Please, any advice will help. The only person I’ve talked to about it is the father. Please help. I am 29 my husband is 55 and the father of baby is 35. Thanks for any advice.

    • Shana from United States says:

      (U.S.) Also, I need to add that today the baby’s father’s girlfriend found out somehow. We are denying it but she said she is making me take a test. She texted my husband but I had his phone and deleted the text then blocked her number but she works at a convenient store my husband goes to every am before work. I am so scared!

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        Shana, This is such a complicated situation on so many levels. I HIGHLY recommend that you go to a Crisis Pregnancy Center to talk to a counselor there. I’m not sure where the one that is closest to you is located or if it is called by that name (ours in Tucson has recently been named “Hands of Hope”). Please go as soon as possible to talk to them. They will meet with you to help you sort out all of this. I know the one here quite well and the counselors are amazingly wise and helpful. You have a lot to sort out and FAST. Please stay away from Planned Parenthood Clinics because they have abortion quotas (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise –we know several former executives from their organization). This is not this baby’s fault. If you get an abortion, as the father recommends, you will just be adding another level of guilt you will experience for the rest of your life because of the child’s life that you ended.

        As tough as all of this is, none of this escaped God’s view. This child would not be inside of you unless God allowed it to happen. Yes, what you did was wrong, but please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly and all of this looks so disastrous, the solution to further do that which you should not, is acceptable. It is not. Please don’t add another wrong on top of the wrong you and this man participated in together. You cannot erase a baby. For the rest of your life, he or she will speak to your conscience and you will find that to be much, much worse than trying to erase him or her. I know from where I am speaking.

        I think you are wise to try to get past Christmas with the news of this, for your children’s sakes, but I’m not sure this gal will let that happen. That’s why calling the Crisis Pregnancy Center right away will be a wise thing to do. They can give you the best one-on-one counsel, and on-going counsel, at that.

        I pray for you Shana, and for this child, and for your other children, as well as your husband. This is really difficult news to have to confess to. But it’s better to approach all of this in truth, rather than try to cover it up further. I predict that if you try to cover this up, it will blow up worse into your face and then you will have all of that, added onto what you are presently facing. Cover-up may seem wise but it has a way of rising up from the dead. Shana, as horrible as this seems, I believe with all my heart that if you talk to a good counselor and work out a plan together, you will be in a MUCH place eventually than you will be if you add on the wrong of terminating a life and trying to erect a cover-up. I have no doubt that it will unravel.

        Shana, God loves you. What you did was wrong. There’s no doubt about that. But please start facing truth, get the help you need to do so, and pick the high road, rather than the low one. You’ve been there and it’s a lousy one to travel on… Ask God to forgive you –He will, and then get good, godly counsel, and reach out for the help you need. Your children deserve to see their mom do the right thing, even if you did wrong before. You also need help with your meth use… to get onto a healthier road for their sakes, your new child’s sake, and yours. (Crisis Pregnancy Center, and perhaps Teen Challenge, even though you aren’t a teenager, can help with that.) I hope your husband will be forgiving. What a wonderful blessing that would be. But if he isn’t, again, this isn’t this baby’s fault. I pray and hope for all of you –that there will eventually be better days ahead. Thank you for trusting us to reach out to us, to allow us to pray for you and your precious family. We have and we will. Again, God loves you –you are precious in His sight.

  15. Shelly from United States says:

    Hi all my name is Shelly and I’m a mother and also a wife. So let me just cut straight to it. Back in December 2010 I had an affair on my husband. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our third child. We were both excited about our new edition to our family. I didn’t tell my husband about the affair. During that time I was miserable because of the pain I know I caused and the burden that I was carrying around about my affair and the possibility that my husband wasn’t the father of our child. I couldn’t stand holding this from somebody I know I LOVE and knew loved me back.

    So sometime in the middle of 2012 I told my husband about the affair and the possibility that our child wasn’t his. He said there is no way that our child is not mine. I LOVE this little girl; she’s mine, I don’t care what you say. He was more hurt than angry for a while but never treated our child any different, not even a little. I asked him if he wanted a DNA test done so we can have peace. He said absolutely not because our child was his.

    Fast forward; we just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in June of this year. But the pain and damaged I caused continues to haunt me everyday of my life. This was my only affair that I’ve had and I will NEVER do it again. It’s like everytime I look into my husband’s eyes I still see the pain I caused to him and our kids. Ok, about a month ago I was going through his phone and found one picture (not nude) of another women and some text messages with conversations about how’s the day or something going. I confronted my husband about it and he didn’t deny it. He insists they were only friends. I couldn’t rest on his word so I contacted the other woman myself. I told her who I was and who my husband was. She told me that her and my husband were just friends and she knew about me and the kids and assured me that nothing happened and she will stop talking to him. After that conversation it’s like I became angry at my husband for not hurting me like I so deeply hurt him. He didn’t betray me the way I betrayed him.

    Right now we are still married but I feel like we are at a stand still because of my infidelity. After we had the talk about the other woman he told me that it’s hard for him to get over what I’ve done. He loves me but it’s hard for him to even look at me the same. I know I’ve hurt this man. He said I will NEVER feel the pain that he feels. I wouldn’t want to because just looking at the pain I caused the man I LOVE is unbearable. He loves me. I know he does. We don’t know if we want to get the DNA test done. It’s like it would puts us at peace then again it may just well destroy us! It’s like I don’t think we can move on from this without that test but yet still we both dread to get it done.

    I pray for my marriage and family everyday. I plead the blood of Jesus over my family and marriage everyday. Lord knows I want my marriage to work out. I want my family so badly. God knows my heart he does. I have faith that he will do it for us. I hate to see my husband in so much heartache and pain, pain I know I’ve caused! The part that gets me is that he still loves me to this day and will do whatever he can for me. It’s almost like I want him to leave so I don’t have to see that pain. I know we have a long ways to go as far as the healing process goes but through Christ all things are possible! Nothing’s greater than him. I just feel hopeless. I keep telling myself to stop leaning on my own understanding and seek first the kingdom of God.

    If I can be of help to anyone please feel free. I will be more than happy to talk to you and give whatever advice I can. Please, if you would continue to pray for the healing of my marriage. Any advice given will be gladly accepted and appreciated!!! God Bless.

    • Jennifer from United States says:

      Shelly, I have a similar situation. I’ve been married for 16 years, daughter is 4 and son will be 3 soon. I told my husband one year ago that I believed my son was another man’s biological son. Of course he was devastated. He decided to stay and work on our marriage. We had the test done and my husband is not the biological father however he loves him as his own.

      The biological father is now involved. He pays child support and has scheduled visits once a month. I believe you and your husband should have the test performed. If your daughter is biologically your husband’s child you will both be relieved of the “wonder” and if she is not biologically his it will allow you both to accept the reality of it and move forward. There are “at home” kits available so you can do in private. We did two before we did the more expensive in lab, both home kits matched results of more expensive legal test. Best wishes.

      • Shelly from United States says:

        Thanks for the advice! We have yet to get DNA test done. I think somehow something is stopping us, yet the unknown remains. I told my husband everything, even the name of the man, which was hard for me but I don’t care about my feelings anymore. That’s what got us here. It’s like I see the other man in her, but yet still my husband. I’m so confused!!! I hurt my husband beyond imaginable. Wow! He is still here, still providing, still supportive, still loving… How do you and your husband get through this? Please help me if you can!!

        Sometimes I feel as if I robbed him of his life and happiness. That’s all I want for him, for us. He says he is happy. He just doesn’t like me bringing it up at all. He says he’s getting through it; just let him handle it his way! Lord help me, help us!!!

  16. AMB from United States says:

    My husband and I have been married for over 6 years. We have a four year old son together. We were both faithful to each other the entire marriage. However, I was unhappy in the marriage, and it was mostly because we neglected the Lord and also because I quickly put my first born son first in everything. I began to always see the negative in my husband, losing respect for him and honestly just being annoyed by him. He never treated me wrong, and in fact always put me first, doing anything I asked. I just had built up this hate towards him for some reason. I can’t explain it.

    Anyway, this year, I deployed to Afghanistan for 8 months. Being a woman, you’re a hot commodity. It became very tempting and easy to cheat on him. I ended up sleeping with four different men. During the eight months I was there, my husband’s mother passed away. He was going through a lot and honestly I was so selfish I didn’t even care. In fact I even told him I was cheating on him, and didn’t want to be with him. He was devastated. He went really psycho, wanted to kill himself etc, but was seeking treatment. I was/am so selfish, I didn’t care, and I continued to cheat on him right up until the week I left to come home.

    But I decided before I came home that I was going to try to see if I could feel anything for him again and come home to him. I was starting to feel guilt and ashamed. He claimed he’d be willing to try to work it out and that he stil loves me more than anything. He still had a lot of anger towards me though. We were having a good reunion and all, but on Christmas Eve, I fell asleep with my son, and I thought my husband was going to put the presents under the tree, only to find out, he was drinking and getting wasted… We are not big drinkers, but apparently while I was deployed that’s how he dealt with his emotions.

    Anyway, he got so drunk he was stumbling around. I walked out to see what was the noise. He started yelling at me and tried to reach for his gun. I quickly grabbed it, not sure if he was going to kill me or himself. I called the police and they didn’t arrest him. But they took him to the hospital/psych ward. I was so angry, I left him there overnight. I didn’t want to ruin my son’s Christmas, so I told him to get a cab ride home for Christmas, and I left to go to my parents.

    We stayed there a few days, and while I was there I began to get sick, and quickly realized I was late for my period, and figured out I was pregnant. I had only been home a couple of weeks and I know the child is not my husband’s. My husband and I are Caucasian, and one of the potential biological fathers is African American. My family is old school, and while it seems harsh to say this, they are racists. My family was devastated and kept telling me I only had a few options… One was to have an abortion/give the child up for adoption… Or leave my husband and raise the baby and my son on my own.

    I was so confused, and I knew I couldn’t have an abortion or give up for adoption, so I called my husband and told him I was in fear that he was trying to shoot me, so I wanted him to move out for the safety of our son. He began to pack up his things and move in with a friend. But I began to get scared and realized I could not raise two children on my own. So I went home and told my husband I was pregnant, the baby was not his and I was very scared. He did something that shocked me. He said he forgave me for everything and that he doesn’t care anymore, that he loved me and wanted to help me in any way possible even if I didn’t love him like that he would still help me raise the baby.

    Who does that? Who is that nice? I’m in shock. He should be throwing me to the curb, taking my son away from me, he should be hating me. But to make matters worse, I quickly discovered that he had something to hide. I was wondering why he kept getting phone calls from this woman. He claimed that they met while I was deployed, and were friends through my sons school, as her son is my sons age, and my husband works with her husband. This family is where he was going to stay when I had kicked him out. I was half joking after one time she called, and was like, who was that, your girlfriend? He got irate… So I began to wonder if it was true… I blatantly asked him if they were sleeping together, and he said, no.

    Later on that day, he called me and was like, You know what you asked me earlier, I have to tell you, yes, we are sleeping together. I was shocked and just told him we would talk about it later. When he came home, he said he was just kidding, he wanted to see if I cared enough about him I and if it would make me angry… Totally immature, but he’s done worse… So I forgot it. A few days later, I get a text from the woman’s husband and says that he knows I barely know him. But wondered if I picked up on anything strange between his wife and my husband… I told him that he’s right I don’t know him and that conversation should be between him and his wife. But that I did think it was odd that she was always calling him.

    So I confronted my husband again and he admitted they did sleep together. It took hours of questioning to reveal that they had slept together as recently as Christmas Day when I had left him. I was soooo hurt and shocked. The woman’s husband told me she admitted that they met online. My husband said he was lonely and hurt by my infidelity. Why he’d think two wrongs make a right I don’t know.

    Anyway, I told him this, that I feel my infidelity was different. I kept it in Afghanistan. I didn’t bring men around my son or sleep with them under our roof. My husband brought this woman into our home and slept in OUR bed. She stayed the night here too. Her husband said he didn’t want to believe they were sleeping together, and claimed that she stayed the night to help my husband with my son bc he was depressed. Who would believe that?!?! Anyway, I can’t help but feel so angry and can’t get over the fact that he basically had a relationship with this woman, whereas honestly, I knew I’d never see these men again…. And I feel like I couldn’t trust him bc this woman lives in our town and they may see each other again at my sons school, whereas the men I was with are from different parts of the country and I have NO desire to see them again. Except for the fact that now I have this baby and may have to. But I feel like his infidelity is worse somehow. I know that no sin is greater than the other, I am just hurt, angry, scared, etc. I don’t know why I am posting this other than I get it all out.

    • Bryan from United States says:

      Wow, don’t know where or how to start because I don’t know if I’d be helping you in your situation. First off, thanks for sharing your story. My wife and I have been married for 6 months now. We had planned on getting married before we found out she was pregnant and she is due in just over a month to a girl. 3 months into the marriage after I requested her to send me the paperwork from her ultrasound because I needed proof of pregnancy to move into military housing, she then admitted that the child might not be mine. But the twist is that she said she got raped… I’m goin back and forth in my mind and soul because I was convinced that our relationship was strongly embedded in Christ but now I’m questioning everything as far as she is concerned. Where I’m at right now is I feel like I won’t be able to stay married to her if the child isn’t mine, but I’ll be able to work on things if she is mine, because I know she has a great heart.

  17. Sylvia from United States says:

    Hello, I would like to get some feedback from my situation. I have been married for 37 years. About 30 years ago my husband had an affair and fathered a child who is now 30 years old. All of this information came out about a year ago. My husband has told me bits and pieces but says it’s a lot he does not remember. He said the mother withheld the truth from him all these years but he suspected he was the father and did nothing except cut off communication with her.

    When the child was 22 years old my husband approached him and told him he was his father (all unbeknownst to me). Last year the child contacted my husband and said he wanted to have a relationship with him. My husband began to lavish him with gifts and place him on a pedestal above the 2 children we have together. Recently the son has become withdrawn. My husband says he refuses to call him dad or say he loves him. This causes my husband to be angry and take it out on me.

    I am very perplexed by it all. I don’t know if I’ve been told the truth because my husband’s account of things keeps changing. My husband and I are now in counseling together but I sense that he is still withholding information. He has asked me to forgive him, which I have, but I am not overjoyed with the son although I have been cordial and nice to him. Any advice or comments on this matter is welcome.

  18. Candace from United States says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now. We found out last year about 3 months after I had our second child that he possibly fathered another child. We lived next door to the girl and one night while he was coming home from the club she and her boy friend were fighting. After he broke it up and calmed their son down she seduced him. She got pregnant but never told anyone anything.

    Two years later she sees him and tells him. I told him to do a DNA to find out if this is your child. Her and I used to talk all the time and she was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on about him. That was a really hard time in the relationship. So in finding this out a year later no test has been done; the excuse is they don’t have the money for it. She was supposed to pay for it when she got he tax refund.

    He doesn’t respect how I feel about it, he tells me that it happened and I need to get over it. When we talk about it we argue. She even comes to the house and spends the night. He’s not letting me deal with it at all. He wants me to do it in his time and not my own. I’m trying to deal with it but the fact that no one has said for sure bothers me. She was living with her boy friend at the time. I am about to explode and I know it’s not her fault but sometimes I just don’t want her around, but he feels like she is his and I feel like I am forced to be in a position I am not ready for.

    Our relationship is struggling right now because he communicates with her about more than the little girl and keeps things they talk about to himself. This affects us because I chose to stay with him hoping that we could fix this together but it’s all about him. I’m tired of this and ready to move on but my two boys will suffer. I need help with how to deal with this and move on. If not, I don’t know what will happen.

  19. Lola from South Africa says:

    I had a hesterectomy before I got married. My husband was aware while we were still dating. We are born again Christians and believe and trust in God for restoration but I think my husband was pushed by pressure to have an affair that resulted in a son. I was shattered when I found out because we had been praying together and had spoken that whenever pressure grips, we would sit and discuss options.

    Now, there is a son and the mother does not want me anywhere near him. She, for some reason, hates me and feels she does not trust me. My husband keeps telling me that the boy is as much my son as he is his own but I do not have any right over the boy. Anything that I do for him the biological mother does not have to know about it. She’s threatening to take the child away from him if he ever makes means of taking the boy to our home. He does that secretly because he does not want to lose his only son and I have to play along until such time the woman comes down.

    This is really a challenging time for me because my husband is very attached to his son… so am I. The little chance I get to spend with him I grow more and more fond of him. Now the boy is used as an instrument to keep me and my husband apart… there are midnight calls that my husband has to answer and sometimes be called to her house because the baby is crying. I can’t even go with him. The Lord has really carried me to this point. This is a trying time for our marriage.

  20. Andrea from United States says:

    Hi, I have been with my husband for 10 years, have two children, one who is a baby, and just found out he had an affair and now she pregnant. I’m so hurt and angry but at the same time not ready to lose my family. I sometimes feel stupid for wanting to make my marriage work but I love him. How do I get through this and if it’s even possible? I don’t want anything to do with this child or care to be in it’s life. My husband wants to be in its life but not to the point of taking it over night, just once in a while. I just need advice from anyone who has been through this, in success.

    • Andrea from United States says:

      So I got the best news in what I was praying for. The woman my husband got pregnant miscarried. It’s a relief but at the same time I feel bad because I was praying for this. But at lease I don’t have to explain this to my children. Now lets see what this brings for our marriage. I know he is relieved, I could hear it in his voice. I will continue praying for answers and reading my Bible for guidance.

  21. Tsakani from Europe says:

    I dated a married man for 4 yrs. At first I didn’t know he was married but when I found out it was too late because I was so in love with him. He promised to make me his second wife. Now we have a 16 month baby girl and his wife knows my problem is since I have a baby. He never calls or comes to my place. I am the one calling him all the time. He doesn’t even support the baby. He always makes excuses that he is experiencing finical problems. I don’t want to take him to court because I don’t want my baby to be fatherless. I don’t want to ruin the relationship. What should I do? PLEASE HELP.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Tsakani, I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing these problems –especially because of your baby. She is truly the innocent one here. I don’t understand how you thought that dating a cheater would result in something good relationship-wise (he cheated on his first wife with you… knowing all along that you didn’t know, so that also makes him a liar). When you DID find out… it WASN’T “too late” (even though you say it was). Yes, you may have been “in love” with him but that can’t be the end all of all your decisions because this kind of thing happens. I’m telling you this to help you to wake up and NOT allow “love” to take you to a place that compromises your integrity and your common sense.

      He may be a charming guy, but when it comes to being a good guy, he isn’t. He just isn’t. He’s a cheater, and a liar, and now he’s a deadbeat dad, and an escape artist as far as living up to emotional and financial responsibilities… just to name a few deficits in his character. I hate to think of your precious daughter being fatherless, but I’m not sure he is the living example that you want her to be with continually so she can learn from his ways. You need to get real here.

      You started out innocent, because you were duped –which was totally wrong of this man to do to you. But when you found out you were duped, instead of backing up a bit to stop the relationship and realize that if you went forward, that made you a cheater too and someone who was hurting the heart of his first wife, you instead went forward believing more of his “promises.” He wasn’t yours to have… even though you were “in love” by that time. It hurts, but it’s true. He cheated on his wife and also on you with his lies, and you eventually went along with it and became an accessory to the lying and cheating.

      Tsakani, I don’t want to emotionally whip you… that’s not what this is about. But I AM hoping that this will be a wake-up call for you for your future. This man is trouble. He may be charming, but he is trouble. And please don’t be under any disillusionment that he won’t cheat on you and his first wife with another gal either now (perhaps that’s part of the reason he isn’t calling) or in the future. He doesn’t have scruples. What he wants he goes after even at the cost of the other person’s emotions and more.

      PLEASE concentrate on being a good mom. Don’t date married men. Be careful who you bring into your daughter’s life now that she is yours to take care of. She needs you to be her hero –someone who lives a life of integrity and also love and concern for her. Grieve and cry… yes. This is tough stuff. But what would even be tougher is if you didn’t learn from it, to live your life above board in honesty, integrity, and concern for others (especially your daughter). I hope you will. I will pray for your broken heart… I DO care.

  22. Tsakani from Europe says:

    Thanx Cindy, I learned a lot from your response. I will do the right thing and be a good mom and hero to my angel. You’re right; he is not worth my tears.

  23. Melanie from South Africa says:

    Hi I really need good advice on what I’m about to tell you. I’m married to my husband for 22 years now. About 3 years ago, I found out that my husband has not just 1 child, but 4 children with different women over the years. When the 1 woman couldn’t hide the child anymore because she did not wanted to hurt my family, all the other affairs came out, 1 after each other.

    My husband told all the woman to keep quiet then he will support them, but if they don’t he will not support them in any way. Because of them being young and very naive, they accepted his offer. I was so shocked by all this, that I didn’t even feel like confronting him about this. All I could think about, was I so blind and stupid not to see or know the truth of what my husband was doing secretly behind my back? He was begging for my forgiveness and told me that they were all mistakes. I couldn’t believe that I was married to this coldhearted monster. I’m still with him because I couldn’t change my kids happy home into a sad one. My only struggle is what if there are more kids that I don’t know of? I need help because my marriage is just 1 big lie and I’m afraid it’s killing me.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      WOW! You really need good counsel on this one. We can’t adequately do that for you. There are many layers of problems here and you need someone wise to help you sort all of this out. Your husband is wrong; these aren’t “all mistakes” –he didn’t stumble into having these affairs and fathering 4 children. It was all out blatant sin. He enjoyed the hunt and the process and absolutely ran over your heart and the heart of his children in the process. Even having 1 affair and one child could “possibly” be understood (although not really because of his vow to you and to God). But FOUR? And as you say, how many more? How many more did he have sex with and not get them pregnant? And to think of all the diseases he exposed you to –he could have picked up AIDS… and given it to you and where would your children be?

      Those children need you. They need a sane voice in this wilderness. Right now you may not feel sane, but eventually you will get back there. You truly need good counsel. If you don’t know of one, then please contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – South Africa. They may know of a counselor in your area. They are very well connected. We have a link to their web site in the “Marriage Counseling” topic on this web site. I pray for you Melanie, and I pray for your children. Your husband definitely needs prayer too because he is MAJORLY messed up! He has NO excuse… ZERO! I’m so sorry you have had to go through this… such confusion you must be suffering through and an absolutely broken heart! My tears are with you and your children. I hope a counselor can help you sort out what to do, for your sake and the sake of your children. May God help you!

    • Tebogo from South Africa says:

      Hi Melanie, your story is similar to mine. I’ve been married for 15 years and have recently discovered that my husband had four kids with different women before we were married. We have two boys together. As if that was not enough he has got a two year old daughter with another woman. He has currently left us to be with the mother of the two year old. It is painful. What is worse is in all these things he treated me as if it is my fault. I’m glad that God has carried me through the whole thing. Let us continue to trust God to heal us and fit for us.

  24. Nichole from United States says:

    As time has passed, people have begun to forget about my story. Many saw my growing belly and listened to the rumors, but very few know my ‘story.’ Although I’ve worn the scarlet letter of my hometown for years, out of shame, I’ve never publically talked about what I’m about to. I was married (what I considered happily) with two beautiful children when I discovered I was 11 weeks pregnant with the child of an affair. That day my world forever changed. We had just moved home after living away for 8 years, had just built our dream home, have two perfect children and I was married to the ‘perfect’ youth minister none the less. So what was wrong with me… why wasn’t I happy? That answer didn’t come until years later.

    Two days after learning I was pregnant, my sister and I drove 2 1/2 hours away to an abortion clinic. We were delayed due to an accident, making me the 25th person in line rather than at the front of the line. Just the first of many things on this journey that I know was divine intervention. I sat in that waiting room that day replaying the events of the two previous days in my head. Me, a youth minister’s wife, with the perfect life was sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic! As I sat there sobbing uncontrollably to the point of making other girls uncomfortable, I was taken into the administrator’s office who proceeded to tell me that I was being selfish and that my husband and kids didn’t deserve this and that my obligation was to them and them only and not this ‘fetus.’ She was echoing the thoughts in my head, but my heart disagreed. I went home that day and never returned.

    Initially I was ‘sorry’ that I got caught in a mess. But in the months to come, God began to down the walls of insecurity, bitterness, resentment, that I had unknowingly harbored for so long, thus began the “Godly sorrow”. Big difference! At that point, I couldn’t even bare to recall my actions during the time of the affair without uncontrollable crying and disgust. The next couple of years that followed, I struggled with self-forgiveness. I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty. I couldn’t imagine the God’s disappointment. I begged God daily for forgiveness, begged for my husband’s forgiveness and begged God reconciliation with my husband. While my story has a happy ending, I don’t want to paint a glamorous ‘in between’ time. It was hard! I spent the first couple of years on my knees. I mean I was in the pit of despair. But that was exactly where God wanted me. It was only after the Godly sorrow and repentance began that God began to heal me, heal my hurts, and heal my heart!

    While I continue to grieve the loss of my marriage as it felt as part of me died, and in a sense it did, God is still healing my heart. I could never have imagined on that day in the abortion clinic the events that would take place over the next few years. That’s probably a good thing. My husband of 14 years divorced me. We had to sell our dream home, and I see less of my children. I now have exceedingly more responsibility than I’ve ever known, which ironically is what I was running from when the affair started.

    I received devotion from a friend during that time that read: “Every person is a case of parenthood -God planned you! Whatever else may have seemed to be happenstance, there were no surprises in heaven when either you or I arrived on Earth! Because some were born outside of marriage, with less than perfect bodies… people draw the conclusion that God wasn’t involved in the process. But listen: The fact that God may not have willed the way a person came into the world, does not mean he has not planned a purpose for that individual. Long before anyone is conceived, God’s purpose for that life is foreseen.” -Jack Hayford

    I knew God was talking to me. A few months later I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl whom I didn’t deserve. Every time I look at her, I see God’s forgiveness, God’s mercy, and God’s grace. That was six years ago. Since then I’ve changed my prayer, instead of asking God to erase my past or to make it less painful, I now pray that God will use me, my past, my sins, and my mistakes, as ugly and humiliating as they are, for His glory. I pray that God will use any and every part of my testimony. While I still have regrets, I no longer live in regret. I’m still a work in progress, but with a hope, a joy, and a peace that only God can give.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      THANK YOU Nichole, for sharing your testimony. I have no doubt that this will help more people than any of us will ever know (this side of heaven). God is amazing in how He can take the messes we make and redeem them for the good of many. You might consider finding a way to nicely frame the quote you shared with us from Jack Hayford, to hang on a wall in your home in case your daughter, or you, or anyone else who visits, needs to be reminded that God has a purpose for us all. The little we can offer can become much when it is offered to God, and when we offer ourselves to Him to use.

      If we could have your permission, we would love to also post this in the “Testimonies” part of this topic. That way it won’t eventually get buried. It needs to stand out to help other people learn from your experiences and witness “God’s forgiveness, God’s mercy, and God’s grace” in action. It might give hope to those who desperately need it. It might also and inspire some people not to be so quick to judge others, but instead extend God’s grace, as Christ would have them.

      • Krostini from United Kingdom says:

        Tsakani, I am in the exact same boat as you. I was foolish enough to become involved with a married man for four years, which resulted in pregnancy. He visited for the first eight months but paid no support. I was so in love with him it didn’t bother me and I struggled on financially alone. He then told his wife and he hasn’t been near us since. His attitude changed overnight. My daughter is now two. He works in the same building as me but our paths never cross. He never asks after her.

        Due to child care fees I filed for financial support and received a very abusive message -the last one from him. His words of love clearly meant nothing. He has no care for our child and I can only think she is better without him. It broke my heart to begin with and still makes me sad sometimes. As each day passes though I’m feeling stronger and hope I will get over him and make sure my daughter has a good upbringing without a father.

      • Nichole from United States says:

        Yes, you absolutely have my permission to use it. May God use it and me for His glory alone!!

  25. Treesy from United States says:

    I recently found out my husband had an affair but when I found out the actual affair was over. I found out because the other woman got upset because of the no contact from him so she sent him a text message revealing the that she was pregnant. At first he denied it, swore he used protection and everything. When he realized she wasn’t going to quit he finally admitted that there was a possibility that it was his.

    Just recently the child was born (oh did I mention we have a 5 mos old together?). As recent as last Friday, and she decided to send ME pictures on Facebook… the baby looks just like my children. I can’t even being to explain the hurt. We are now in the process of finding out how to go about getting paternity test done. My problem is I want nothing to do with this child, nor do I want my husband to have anything to do with it. I have no guilty feelings about it at all. I can’t explain why except that I know I could never treat that child right as it would be a constant reminder to me of the betrayal and pain.

    My husband has agreed not to be in the child’s life because he wants his family more but I’m scared this may change … please give me some advice on this. I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown!!!

    • Krostini from United Kingdom says:

      Even though I was the ‘other woman’ we have to see that these men hurt everyone and ultimately win as they are in a position to choose what to do. When a baby is born, however, it must never be forgotten that it is innocent and doesn’t deserve to be treated as an object of blame. I hope you can see past your husband’s ex lover and recognise that a child is involved here. He has a responsibility to that child, even if he wants to stay with you, and you him. Perhaps you should be encouraging contact and establish that now rather than worry about the future and the potential problems you are storing up for everyone involved – including all the children.

      • Treesy from United States says:

        I have a question for you and it’s not necessarily the topic of discussion so feel free not to answer if you don’t want to. What makes you think it’s okay to be with a married man and furthermore without using protection? I’ve talked to the other women in my situation and she says he never lied about being married and she never intended on having an actual relationship with him so why? I’m not categorizing you, I just thought maybe you could shed some light.

    • Andrea from United States says:

      I know how you feel; I have a 7 month old and my husband is expecting another child with a woman. I want nothing to do with this child nor want him to but he is having a hard time with that choice. We are currently separated but want to work it out–just don’t know how to go about it. I know the child is innocent, but this child is too much pain to handle. If he wants to have a relationship I would have to walk away with my 2 girls and I have already told him I’m moving to another state with or without him, but he doesn’t get to hurt me more or get the best of two worlds. I did nothing to deserve this, nor my girls.

      • Treesy from United States says:

        This is exactly how I feel and we have since talked and he says he is willing to have nothing to do with the child now but if later the child decides that they would like to know him he wouldn’t deny them the opportunity. I think I could handle that but I still have alot of guilty feelings because of what I am asking him to do. But wouldn’t it be selfish of him to expect me to accept this child? And wasn’t it selfish of him to lay down with another female in the first place?

        • Andrea from United States says:

          It was selfish of him to do this to the family and throughout our relationship. I have thought nothing about me, but what my family needs and left my needs out. Well, for once I’m putting my foot down, choosing my needs, and being selfish. At the end he’s not getting his cake and eating it too so I’m left looking dumb. I never wanted my children to have a part time father; it’s either full time or nothing. I want nothing from him if he chooses the other child, but full custody of my girls and him out. We’ve been through enough and my 8 year old can’t be involved in that confusion.

          • Treesy from United States says:

            Well, it’s good to know someone feels the same way I do. It makes me not feel so bad. I’m still not saying that I’m completely right, but how I feel is how I feel… at least I’m being honest, which is more than I can say for him at the time.

          • TruthWorks from United States says:

            Proverbs 5:15-19, Be faithful to your own wife and give your love to her alone. Children that you have by other women will do you no good. Your children should grow up to help you, not strangers. So be happy with your wife and find your joy with the woman you married —pretty and graceful as a deer. Let her charms keep you happy; let her surround you with her love.

            The word of the Lord-Nuff said! This is what God himself commands and it doesn’t say be faithful unless there is a woman trying to get you to leave your wife for her & her child -it says faithful ONLY TO YOUR WIFE. Don’t feel guilty! Any communication with an affair partner is an act of unfaithfulness and against God’s will for the wholeness of marriage.

            Don’t hate, forgive, and live by God’s word -pray that our husbands will do the same & not give our time to those God doesn’t want them to -this is their test. Lets all pass ours by forgiving (but not being doormats by involving the o.w. and child) and pray God helps us all to PROSPER and win. No weapon formed against us will prosper. Stop fighting for number 1 & embrace it, he married you even though he’s been stupid at times and mean, God made YOU his number one and only.

            I pray all our husbands now make us their one and only. God’s Love and protection to all spouses & may God bless the o.w. & their children separately and far far away from our marriages, In Jesus name… AMEN

    • Stacy from United States says:

      First of all, I just want to say I’ve been the other woman in a situation before. Most of the time the husband portrays that he isn’t happy. He sets up an elaborate story of how he’s leaving soon and how the wife is aware. Usually they start out as friends, confidants, co-workers etc.

      The reason I’m replying to your story is I want to help you. I was in this situation and I got pregnant. He abandoned me and my son upon hearing the news; he told me to basically go away. This man was my best friend and also the father of my son. Out of desperation I got on Facebook and told the wife. She left him at first and then went back to him. I endured 9 months with no help and after I had him I went out to his house, which he told me later I was welcome to. His wife answered the door and come to find out he had been lying and playing both of us.

      Long story short you need to have a heart to heart with the other woman. Put your feelings aside and find out the truth. Put yourself in that child’s shoes. If you believe in God what will you say when he shows you the emotional damage that child endured because you wanted your man to only be in your kid’s life? Think about your decision because I guarantee it will backfire. If she files a paternity suit he’s obligated to pay child support. She will most likely get custody because he has shown no interest. If you can’t accept the child, you need to walk away. It took two of them and neither one is more guilty than the other, and the courts will agree. Trust me.

      • Treesy from United States says:

        Tried to talk to her and she has nothing but attitude and wants to give me details about what they have done…I dont want to hear about that stuff!! We know he would have to pay child support and thts fine…she has already expressed tht he will never get custody anyway. ..where do I go from there?

        • Krostini from United Kingdom says:

          Treesy, I can understand that you don’t understand why someone would become involved with a married man. I don’t think I would have understood ten years ago. I accept that I could have made the choice to not become involved but somehow a situation evolved and then I was drawn in, hook, line and sinker for four years. We were coworkers. Went away on a week long trip. Nothing happened except a feeling of being incredibly drawn to him. When we returned he texted over the weekend to ask where I lived and was at my place Monday morning 5 am. That was the beginning.

          Three years later I fell pregnant. He told me what I now realise are the usual lines of wife ignoring him, felt unwanted, I made him feel this that and the next thing and if it wasn’t for the kids he’d leave. I know he was married but it felt so right. I was totally in love with him and he constantly fed me hope of a future together.

          According to him, she didn’t speak to him for three weeks and he decided to tell her about me and our child. Within 24 hours of telling her he ended our relationship. He used me to fill a gap in his marriage. I’m left devastated. My child has no father and his family has no idea she exists. I saw his mother last month (I recognised her from photos) and his sister in a garden centre and was standing right next to them but they had no idea this was their granddaughter or niece. The only reason I said nothing was because I don’t want to put them in a difficult situation, which is not of their making, and having to choose whether also to ignore her existence. The only winner in this situation is the man. They have their cake and eat it, spin lies to both parties, and then is able to choose which woman to stay with.

          • TruthWorks from United States says:

            The winner is the Lord our God when a marriage is saved instead of destroyed by satan. May God bless you with a husband of your own as soon as & if you have/do repent and may your own husband be a father to your child -not the husband of another woman. _____________

            Exodus 20:14 “Do not commit adultery.” Exodus 20:17 “Do not desire another man’s house; do not desire his wife, his slaves, his cattle, his donkeys, or anything else that he owns.”

        • TruthWorks from United States says:

          Proverbs 23:27 Good News Translation (GNT): Prostitutes and immoral women are a deadly trap.
          Don’t take any advice from women who are a deadly trap for God said they are indeed “a deadly trap”. Get your advice from the Bible only and Godly women you know who have made it 30-40-50 yrs in marriages and who aren’t gossips.

    • Amanda from United States says:

      Treesy, I have been in your shoes. My husband had an affair almost 3 years ago and a child was born as a result of the affair. She was also a married woman. It is by far easy to ever have to go through something of this magnitude. You will not and cannot get through this alone. You must be very prayerful about your situation and trust that God does not make mistakes. He knows each and everyone us of before we are ever conceived. I know how it feels to want to push that child away and pretend that it has never happened but the reality is there is a live human being with a soul that did not asked to be brought into this situation.

      It is not at all the child’s fault and the child should not have to suffer from his/her parents mistakes. I had to take myself and place myself in another’s shoes to see how I would want to be treated if I were born into that situation. God loves us all, no matter how differently we sin. I know it will take you time, but if you choose to forgive your husband you need to accept his child. I do not say this to make you change your mind, but I say this because if you truly want God to change your heart and change your marriage, you need to give yourself to him to love God’s child (this new baby).

      I have a beautiful stepson that just turned 2 years old on June 22. I also have my own 2 children ages 5 & 4 who are by my husband. I love my stepson no different than I love my own children. God has blessed me, even when I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Do not live your life a lie and pretend that it never happened, you will never truly be happy.

      • Treesy from United States says:

        I understand what you are saying about the child and believe me, I am trying hard to see it like you say. It’s just so hard. Maybe because everything is still so new… who knows?!? But as of now she wants him to have nothing to do with the child anyway. We haven’t even received any kind of order for child support or anything. This is all just so confusing and unfair to everyone.

        In most cases I would say the man wins and that he is full of lies. What hurts so bad with this situation is he only lied to me. She knew all about me. He never complained to her about anything according to her, which is why I have so much hatred for her… she was just, in my opinion, one of those women who has probably been hurt so much that now she doesn’t care. Thing is I didn’t hurt her so there’s no need for her to come at me with the attitude that she does! Maybe things will get better and I will feel different later but right now I really don’t care how she feels or what she may or may not deserve.

        • Amanda from United States says:

          I can relate to you. The other woman knew about me as well and she knew that we had children together. I truly believe deep down in my heart that she became pregnant with my husband’s baby intentionally to find a way out of her own marriage. Once my husband and I worked our relationship out she didn’t want him to have anything to do with his son. We spent months and months fighting in court and spent $10,000 to have a relationship with my stepson. Initially I didn’t want anything to do with him but God changed my heart and I am so grateful he did. Give it time and continue to pray and rely solely on faith. Best wishes to you and your family!

  26. Rita from United States says:

    I recently found out that my husband of 23 years has been cheating on me for about the past 3 years and has a possible 2 year old daughter…we have 3 children of our own, 23, 17 and 14 year olds. The news was devasting to me and unbelievable, as I had no clue. However, I love him and want to work on our marriage; problem is that he says he is extremely angry at himself for what he did.

    He doesn’t understand why he had the affair, that he failed me and fell for the temptation. He says he had it all – best wife, great kids, fairly new home, etc. He says he doesn’t deserve me; says that our marriage will never be the same because of his actions and that he can’t live in our marriage knowing what he did to me and our kids.

    I feel helpless. And lonely, as I feel that I am losing the other half of my life, we had so many hopes and dreams…I know it will be tough, but I am willing to give it a try

    • Treesy from United States says:

      Exact situation I am in. I refuse to give up on my marriage. We have invested too much into it. All I can say is he has to be ready for whatever it is you shell out on a daily even hourly basis. Whatever you need from him thru this he has to be willing to give. My husband feels terrible everyday. I see it and I know he’s sorry. We have good days and some not so good. But we communicate every feeling that comes up. Any questions I have he’s there to answer. It’s an uphill battle. You just have to be willing to climb…

      • Andrea from United States says:

        I hear you take it day by day. We have or good and bad but we both have to keep fighting. I love him and he says he loves me but feels unworthy of me. In a way we dodged a biggest bullet because the woman just informed him the she miscarried so I’m relieved and so is he. But the pain of the affair is still there. Lets keep our heads up and keep praying for strength.

  27. Tyneisha from United States says:

    Hi, my name is Tyneisha. My boyfriend of 5 years had cheated on me while I was pregnant and now we found out he may have gotten another female pregnant. I just gave birth to my son on May 29th. His father ended up getting convicted and is now serving a 5 year sentence in prison. I’m trying to forgive him. We’ve talked about getting married after he comes home if we can make it through this battle. I love him so dearly and unconditionally. In my heart I still want to make things work and be with him. I’m just so embarrassed and I don’t want to forgive him because I’m afraid what my family may say. PLEASE HELP. I REALLY NEED GUIDANCE.

  28. Dakota from United States says:

    Hello, I have been sleeping with a married man on and off for seven months. He told me about his marriage after we slept together several times. He lives separately from his wife and children. We acted irresponsibly this month and had unprotected sex. I told him I may be pregnant. He said I must terminate the pregnancy or he will murder me. The child is healthily growing within me. I don’t wish to be in contact now with him because I don’t want him to hurt me or our child. I don’t want him either.

    I have always been taught that a child won’t make him stay. Again I didn’t want him to begin with. I have a deep void within me that I was trying to fill with sex and always came up short and empty. Now I’m having a child without the father. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I have always desired a two parent home for any children I may have been blessed to bear. Please pray for me. I want to be in right standing with God. I am Christian and I’ve fallen very, very short of the glory of God. May He forgive me and strengthen me for this journey ahead.

  29. Brittney from United States says:

    I have been married for 4 years. My husband is in the Navy. I just recently found out that he was having a affair for 9 months. I decided to forgive him. He has promise to never do anything to hurt me again, and he says he wants our marriage to work. I asked him why he cheated and he said due to the stress of us not getting pregnant, and being unhappy with not being a father just drove him elsewhere. But just 5 weeks later he finds out that the other woman is 5 weeks pregnant. But there is a possibility that he, may or may not be the farther.

    I’m terrified because my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we first said I do! I love this man, and I want to continue on making our marriage better, and continue on trying to get pregnant. But I’m soooo hurt. I don’t know what to do. I have no family to talk to, and we live so far away from family and friends, due to the military. I’m praying, and I even dragged him to church with me. I don’t know if things will get worst or better but I just don’t know if I can handle it.

  30. Emily from United States says:

    Hey everyone. I could really use some real advice. I had an affair a little over 2 1/2 years ago. I had intentions of leaving my husband for an ex who I had stayed friends with for ten years. My husband suffered from PTSD, and one night after he slapped me, I called my ex crying and an affair started. I wanted out of my marriage, as my husband was drinking too much and he was sometimes verbally abusive.

    Over time, this got better (although he still has some issues with his temper). My husband never found out about the affair. I got pregnant during the period in which I was having the affair. When I found out, I told my ex that I was pregnant, but he accused me of lying about being pregnant. At first I said it was my husband’s, but then I said it was his. I didn’t know and I was trying to make heads or tails. I was scared. I told him I was making an abortion appointment. I never made the abortion appointment and my ex never followed up about it. I thought about talking to him again, but anytime I tried to have a conversation with him about our relationship, he just dismissed it in some way.

    I did not want an abortion, so I kept the baby. The due dates changed because at the time, I was switching around birth control pills which kept messing with my system. The last monthly period was really hard to pinpoint because I was spotting. When I got my due date, it appeared as though my daughter was my husband’s. My daughter arrived two weeks early, and at one of my ultrasounds, the dr. said that she was developing a week ahead of schedule. I had been with my ex just one week before. Because the due date implied my husband, I dismissed this information.

    As my daughter has grown older, I started to notice that her hair was growing in reddish, like my ex. I had kept in contact with him somewhat for business, but I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to tell him, because I honestly really loved him, but I did not know how. Recently, he text me and said that he still loved me, and I told him of my suspicions. I asked him to submit to a paternity test, just so I could know. At first, he seemed to want nothing to do with it, but I said that I just needed to know so it wouldn’t continue to be looming over my head. I told him that I could go away, and I just wanted some answers. He asked me not to talk to him.

    Now, the results are coming in in a day or two and he says he has a right to know and wants the results immediately. I don’t know what to expect from him. When I told him, he accused me of being a lying bipolar slut, which hurt me because, like I said, we had a 10 year friendship (only 8 months was an affair). He said that he told his gf about the predicament. Thing is, he cheated on her with me.

    I know, this sounds all so awful. Now, I’m terrified of what he wants if she is his and what he or his gf will do if she is not. Because of his reaction when I told him, I’m not sure if he or she will try to destroy my marriage. I have a 15 year old son and a 15 month old daughter that are my top concerns. I’ve made some grave mistakes and bad decisions because I was terrified. My husband does have a temper, and so I even have concerns about safety. Please help someone. Please!!!

    • Tony from United States says:

      Odd that you are more concerned about your ex than what your husband thinks about this. What does your husband think about the possibility the child is not his?

      If the child is not your husband’s, are you going to document that legally? Are you going to have the birth certificate corrected to reflect the biological father?

      I’d hate to see your husband wrongly saddled with the financial responsibility of a child that is not his.

      Please, tell us more about how you are going to make this right with your husband and less about your ex.

  31. Jay from United States says:

    Never imagined that I would be posting something like this but here it goes. My wife had a drunken one night stand with one of our friends in November. I had my suspicions the night it happened but she blew me off. Christmas eve she discovered she was pregnant and never even questioned the paternity. One morning I was on my phone and on my google search history the topic of cheating on my husband and not being able to forgive myself was there. I knew that I didn’t search that topic so she came clean and admitted to me what happened.

    So here I am now we have two children 8 and 6 and I want to work this out but can’t stop wondering if this child coming is going to be mine or not. I find myself wondering what’s best for this unborn child if I turn out not to be the father. Seems crazy to walk away for a one time mistake. Do I involve the other man? Is the child better off not knowing? What do I tell my own children? The baby is due any day and I hate that this moment is tainted.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Jay, what about getting a paternity test done to find out? But for right now, work to celebrate this child’s life. Whether he/she is yours or another man’s, it’s not the baby’s fault. And certainly your other children can be excited… this will be their brother or sister, no matter what. And worse case scenario, what if this baby IS yours? Do you want to look back and regret not celebrating as you should have?

      Also, don’t borrow trouble on this right now as far as wondering what to tell your “own” children and whether or not to “involve the other man” and such. Whenever you find yourself going down one of those imagination paths, throw it out as a type of “spam” right now. All it’s doing is robbing you of today’s joy for what may not even be real issues tomorrow. They may be supposition for something that isn’t even true.

      You for sure have marital problems to work through, both now and in the future to prevent this type of thing from ever happening again and to better build your marriage, plus your own well-being. This is a BIG deal. But these other imaginations may not even be real. Just do what you can with the real, enjoy this new life that will be born soon, have the paternity test taken when it’s best and THEN see if you have other issues to work through. I hope and pray the best for you and your marriage, and family life, given the circumstances that were dumped on you. SO sorry that you have this to deal with… cheating wrong, no matter what. I hope you can find little points of light to concentrate on despite the darker issues hovering over you right now. I encourage you to look for them.

    • Nichole from United States says:

      Jay – If she is truly repentant, and I’m talking about Godly sorrow, not ‘sorry I got caught,’ then God will prevail. In God’s eyes and in the eyes of the law, YOU are the child’s father because the child was conceived during the marriage of you and your wife. There is no mountain too big for God. Start praying now that God will put a love in your heart for this child the same as the love you feel for your other children. You can let this drive a wedge or you can allow this to build your marriage… But remember with God ALL things are possible.

  32. Lisa from United States says:

    My fiancé cheated on me before we got engaged and now the baby from infidelity is here. We just picked up the 4 month old today and I thought I was strong enough to deal with it but I wasn’t. I couldn’t stand to see my fiancé loving another woman’s baby. I don’t think I can continue in this relationship as much as I want to. Please guide me in the right direction as I think I’m going to go crazy and can’t due to our 2 year old son we have together.

  33. Dawn from says:

    Hi. My name is Dawn and I have been with my husband for 16 years. We are high school sweethearts and have two children together. My husband cheated on me and he came clean and told the girl is pregnant. I forgave him and we’re now working things out and doing well. He gave her money to have an abortion in the sum of $500 and she didn’t have the abortion and kept the money and said she is keeping it. He told her he wants a DNA test as it was one time that they were together and she flipped out on him. I don’t know what to think in this situation… I’m just so lost about the situation with her. She is due in January and said he has not has any contact with her since June. Any advice and thoughts on the situation would be appreciated. How likely is it that it’s his after one time? It’s she really being honest about the whole situation?

  34. Ana from United States says:

    Please pray with me that God can perform a miracle and save my marriage. I’ve been married for 12 years and had an affair for 5 years. The first two years were by choice and the last 3 were black mail from my ex lover to tell my husband and son. During the affair I had a child with my lover that my husband thought was his. My ex lover also threatened to tell my husband and would harass me daily if I didn’t continue the relationship with him and bring our daughter over.

    I just recently could not take the verbal abuse or black mail and confessed to my husband. I terminated all contact with my ex lover as soon as I confessed to my husband. He has asked for a divorce. My ex lover has also served me with taking custody and to remove my husband completely out of her picture and change her last name. He has vowed NOT to raise her a christan but a Muslim.

    My husband and I are not in speaking terms, although he is a Christian and says he has forgiven me but wants a divorce. My husband said he will fight for our daughter even if she is not his biological daughter so he can try to raise her as a Christian. We will be going to court to try to keep my husband as her legal Father. Currently the law in California states he is the legal father as she was born from our marriage. However she did have contact with my ex lover her bio dad so we don’t know the full outcome. Please keep me in yours prayers so we God can restore my marriage, that we will be able to keep custody of our daugher and raise her as a Christian and that God continues to work with me and provide me wisdom to make better choices. Thank you.

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