Marriage Missions International

When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

  • The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

  • Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

  • There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

The following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast, where Bob and talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

And finally, to read through the Focus on the Family Marriage Community blog, where there are a number of others who have voiced their opinion on this subject (some are even living through this situation in their lives), please click onto the following:

CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

233 Responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair”
  1. Amanda says:

    (USA) Danielle, I am so glad that you are doing better. I still think of you. You are right God is good, all the time. As time passes, it gets better. There was a point that I thought the whole situation would never leave my mind, but day after day, it slowly consumed less and less of my thoughts. Keep praying; there is power in prayer. Your life may never be the same, but that does not mean it will be terrible. I will keep praying for you and your family. God bless you!

    • Amanda says:

      (USA) Danielle, Just checking on you, haven’t seen a post from you in a while. Just wanted you to know I am still praying and thinking of you.

  2. April says:

    (USA) Is anyone paying child support but does not have visitation of the child? My husband had an affair that resulted in a son, and he pays child support, but we are not allowed to be a part of the child’s life.

    My husband was very remorseful about the affair. It has been 4 1/2 years since the affair and I’m happy to say God has restored our marriage, but I still struggle with not being able to see the child. The mother is not nor ever has been a Christian (she actually made fun of us for praying and reading the Bible together when we were trying to work on our marriage) and has been very difficult. We did fight for visitation which she made us go all the way to a judge just to see him, but that only lasted till the child was 9 months old because she was becoming abusive. My husband’s breaking point for stopping the visitation was when she attacked my husband during an exchange and our lawyer didn’t do anything about it but told her lawyer it was a “misunderstanding.” The police wouldn’t do anything about it either because there were no witnesses.

    My heart goes out to this child. I want him to know his father and brothers but the other woman hates myself and our family because my husband didn’t leave us for her. She has repeatedly said that my husband abandoned her and their child by not choosing her. She has vowed to ensure the child knows “exactly what his father is” and point blank told us that she will do everything to make sure my husband never has anything to do with the child. She won’t allow my us talk or see the child and has even returned birthday cards and gifts and demanded that we never send them again. My husband is a awesome father to our children and the other child is missing out on that.

    She thinks that she is protecting the child by making sure he never knows his father, but she is actually hurting him all the more. Her favorite saying is my husband caused this and by sending him cards or birthday gifts that he is only hurting him all the more. What I want is for her to be civil and think about her son and what is best for him and that is knowing his father and allowing him to be a part of his life. She can’t see past her own hurt and her family only supports her views.

    I don’t know how God wants to use this as part of our testimony because the first time I shared this situation with a woman at our church with who I was becoming good friends with (after almost a year of friendship) she put us down and condemed us for not being a part of the child’s life. She did apologize later for her hurtful words and I’ve forgiven her but the damage to the relationship was already done. I will say hi to her at church but that is the extend of our friendship.

    My husband feels bad for the child but is okay with the situation because it means not having her constant abuse in our lives and trying to destroy our family. I pray that God will harden the child’s heart towards the negativity being told to him about our family and that he will forgive his father for not being a part of his life and that when he is an adult there can be restortation and we all can have a relationship with him.

  3. Richard says:

    (USA) I caught my wife of 12 years with her brother in law. It devastated me but I did not say anything. I think my second child is his. That has been 45 years ago, nothing said, we have had a good life together, but the older I get, the angry feeling continues to rise in me. Forgive? It is getting very had to control emotions especially when they come around for family functions and act like all is well and nothing happened.

  4. Danielle says:

    (USA) Hey Amanda, I am ok but I have a lot of mixed emotions. A part of me wants to stay in the marriage. Then I feel that maybe we need to separate for a while because he is confused on what to do. He still is in the house but I just don’t know because he is still sneaking around her. Counseling has been ok but not a solution to the problem. We love each other and don’t want to let go of each other but I feel that he is not going to do the right thing for the marriage.

    He say he wants me but he had feelings for her. I am asking myself if I can handle the situation. The baby is a girl and that is what I wanted to have. I just don’t know which way to go. I feel when the baby comes he really is going to spend time with this woman and the baby. Sometimes I feel that I need to get out now before baby is born. Like I said, he still is at home with my son and I but he keeps sneaking over there.

    • Amanda says:

      (USA) Danielle, I am so sorry to hear all of that. I still am praying for you and I wish you the best. Keep praying, God hears all of it and trust me, he is with you no matter which way the situation goes. You are a beautiful person on the inside, you are still trying and that is what matters. Even if your marriage does not work out, do not beat your self up thinking it is something you have done. I promise you God will bless you, even if you cannot see it right now. Please let me know if you need anything or anyone to talk to. I have been where you are, I know just how you are feeling. I will keep sending prayers up for you and your family. May God bless you!!!

    • Hurtingsomuch from United States says:

      Hello, your story is slightly similar to mine so I was reading your updates. The difference is he doesn’t want anything to do for her and never had any feelings towards her. However, it hasn’t been proven that he is the father so it has been agonizing. I don’t know her nor want to find her. I just want the court to order her to prove it’s his or not. He has already lost his job over this. He has nothing but the hopes of us making it only if she is not pregnant.

      I was heartbroken that the happiness of my engagement only lasted 10 days. Then he suddenly changed and I didn’t know why. Turns out she found out about our engagement and claimed she is pregnant. I want all this to end, but I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the worst. We have been together for 6.5 yrs and he is the only man I have ever had true love feelings for. He will always be my best friend even if I lose him.

  5. Sarah says:

    (USA) My name is Sarah. I am 25 years old and have been with my husband for 10 years.

    Last year, I cheated on my husband a lot with two different men. I became pregnant and I am not sure who my child belongs to. I was so self destructive at the time. I was drinking a lot, abandoning my other two children and husband to hang out with friends and the man I was having a affair with. When I found out I was pregnant I changed completely. I stopped drinking and started spending every waking moment with my children and husband, but do the changes I’ve made matter. I am currently with my husband and living with this quilt everyday of not knowing the father of my child. I am scared to confess to him because there is so much at stake. I am afraid it will hurt my husband so badly, our marriage, and end in divorce. I am also afraid it will ruin the chances of my children growing up with both parents together and I am afraid my older children and husband will think or treat the baby differently. Should my family suffer for my mistakes? I am torn and lost on how to handle this situation. I do not want to tear my family apart, but I also do not want my husband to raise a child that doesn’t belong to him?

    • Tony says:

      (USA) Sarah, I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. It won’t be because you tell your husband that any of those bad things happen, it is because you had the affairs. So not telling doesn’t undo that.

      In addition, your husband is now living a lie. Every day he doesn’t know the truth about his marriage is a day he’s living that lie. He may not know the details, but I suspect he knows something is wrong. If you are so wracked with guilt that you are torn, that has to play out in your day to day life. The ONLY way to have any chance of healing this is to confess it and see where it goes.

      He may forgive, he may be devastated and not want to remain married. He may go through a wide range of emotions as he catches up with you in terms of coming to grips with what you already know.

      Your family is already suffering from your mistakes, and will continue to suffer as long as it’s kept a secret. The only hope of beginning to heal from your mistakes is to get them out in the open so the healing can begin. It is your husband’s right to know the truth about his marriage. And it’s the right of your children to have a father who has all the facts, who has the truth about his family so that he can make the best decision for him and his children. That may be with you, that may be with you out of the picture.

      But it’s cruel to have this knowledge and not share it with someone you say you love and want to be with. The most loving thing you can do for your husband and children is come clean about your affairs.

    • Hurtingsomuch from United States says:

      Keeping secrets and lying is how all of us ended up on this blog. You need to be honest with your family. I’m the one who was cheated on and though I am fortunate to not be married or have any children, I am beyond devastated to have lost everything. The man I love, my trust, my dignity, my pride, my persona…all replaced with humiliation and depression.

  6. Rebekah says:

    (USA) My partner and I have been together for 5 years and we have a beautiful 2.5 year old son together. Throughout our relationship there have been many instances of him communicating with women on the internet and thru texts in a sexual manner. Everytime I found out I was devastated but I rationalized it by saying at least it wasn’t physical. There was so much good in our relationship I felt I should stay especially for the sake of our child. But the last time it happened a switch flipped for me, I was angry and hurt so I sought someone to make the pain go away. I met a man and had a 2 month relationship with him. I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant from my affair. The biological father wants nothing to do with the situation and told me to have an abortion which I could never do. My sons father wants us to stay together and raise the child as his own and has been incredibly supportive despite the circumstances. I am just worried that we are too damaged to be fixed. It is a horribly confusing situation and I feel so very lost.

  7. Monique says:

    (ZIMBABWE) Thank you all for this. I would like to discuss practical solutions to children/child born outside marriage and what happens now? How do you handle, the children? The OW? Your spouse who is in the middle of this mess, confused mostly because he never thought this far, and moving on. Do you communicate with her? Do you just leave the husband to bring the OW’s children? Do you leave yours to go to the OW? There are so many practical things (apart from paying maintenance) that we need advice on.

    The emotional stuff I know. As women, we hurt, but God made us in such a weird and wonderful way, we cope, manage, and we move on. And with sadness in our hearts and tears every night, we smile and have no choice but to carry on. That is our strength. so with time, all emotions will be managed and we will carry on.

    Now, the OW: I suggest no contact with her -let her wonder what is going on. Pray for her (yes I know, God says pray from those that persecute you) -she did when she moved on to have a child with your husband.

    The children: Ask God to put love into your heart towards them. I would say prayerfully be good to them when you see them. If you are blessed not to have to live with them, treat them politely when they visit. Don’t ask anything about their mum. Don’t be drawn into anything they might tell the OW, and don’t try hard to please the husband -only God. If you have agreed to live with them… you are one forgiving woman, hat’s off to you. Now your journey of forgiveness begins. If you can love them as your own, you’re blessed. Anything less, please kindly ask if you can be excused from having to take on this responsibility. The Lord will still judge you if you mistreat them. You will accept and love them or you politely refuse.

    The husband -Pray for him to see the error of his ways and for God to change him. You cannot, so if you’re still hurting, and if you think you can now prescribe how things should be… stop; you are cheating yourself. You cannot do anything about what happened or what he will do next. You either take him back knowing full well that total forgiveness means if he does it again -you will have to start (not counting the past). If you cannot do this (this is what the Bible says -then think carefully -don’t just accept him back because he promises ABC. Take him back if you want to… there are no guarantees, but consider a 2nd chance in love a blessing, and treat it as such. If you do, he will start to change.

    Don’t take him back to punish/change him. He will just go back. Be willing to endure, to wait on the Lord, and ask God to transform you. To accept and move on, to love him as if he never hurt you. Otherwise you are lying to yourself.

    I do not blame myself for my husband’s cheating etc. However, if I go back in time and I look at myself honestly… I would have left me too. I wasn’t the wife that I should have been and now that he has gone to the OW had 2 kids and now realised what I and a lot of people have been telling him. He has come back to find me “the wife that I should have been.” I rarely talk about the OW… and focus on being the wife he should have had. I know that our marriage will be a lot better because he has learnt painfully that what God has put together no man/woman or child can tear apart. The OW has grown tired, is not married, despite promises, with 2 kids, and a guy that has gone back to his wife. The partying and joy-seeking behaviour of the OW when she had no responsibilities are over… reality has kicked in. I pray for her to find God and to ask for forgiveness from God. I always look at it this way, she did me a favour. She gave me an opportunity to become the wife and mother I should have been. And her taking away (my problem) for a while helped me focus, and helped him learn his lesson.

    The children are blameless, but I see them when I do. I don’t make an overly impressive determination to love them. I feed them when they come to my house, and he entertains all his children. I believe this is fair enough. He visits the OW, but the truth is she is going through what I went through, we all do in the end because for the most part we go through similar life situations. If only as women we could learn from each other and learn that hurting each other by having affairs with married men is not “living in peace” we would be so much better off.

    My note to the OW – everyone will stand in front of God. You haven’t sinned against me –this is between you and your God. Same message to my hubby. Message to me: Thank you Lord for giving me second chance in love with the man you gave me. We both learnt life’s lessons. Now may you built this marriage by your own hands.

  8. Taylor from United States says:

    This website is helping me. I found my husband to be chatting with someone he met on the Internet. He also was accepting calls and texting a girl that he apparently had a baby with, and another girl that he got pregnant and made her have an abortion. He would be gone for days at a time and when I would question him about these women, he would physically hurt me and then would deny it. One time he did tell me I needed to give him more sex and give him money when he asked for it.

    Today I went and talked to his mom about the situation and she said I was childish to not accept the situation. I think I can’t take it anymore and it is time for a divorce.

    • Jamie from United States says:

      Danielle and anyone in a similar situation. I am wondering how things have progressed for you? December 15th I was made aware of my husband’s affair, which has also resulted in pregnancy. Its only been three weeks and at first I thought our marriage was over but then I began to pray and read and ask God to help me forgive. Our son turned six the day after Christmas. My husband is still here and says he wants nothing to do with the other woman romantically, but though I’ve never had proof of sex my husband has done other things in the past that already had me doubting his sincerity, love and respect for me. We were already going to counseling with a pastor when this affair began with a mutual friend.

      Some days I am okay, others I am so angry or so sad. I feel so lost. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you too. I also wanted a girl and I am praying her baby is a boy as awful as that sounds… I don’t know how I will begin to see him as a man I can trust. I believe God understands this pain and therefore does not expect us to endure it if we want to leave. But I also believe He always wants us to reconcile and though my pain is so severe there is a bigger picture to consider; my husband’s salvation, as well as our son and this unborn child. I feel the action was his but the decision of the trajectory of our lives is mine and weighs so very heavy on my heart. Thank you for listening and I pray God will help lead us down the right path if we only listen and choose to follow Him.

  9. SADbutConfused from United States says:

    Thank you so much for this blog. God Bless you. My sitution is very similar. My husband and I got into an argument and he met a woman in a bar while he was drinking with his friends one day. He claims he was drunk and doesn’t remember anything. He had sex with her one time and she got pregnant. A month later I found out I was pregnant with my second child. Her baby was born and then my baby was born (4 days apart). It was devastating for me but I decided to give him a second chance.

    However, he went to court to pay child support and he signed the papers to not have anything to do with that baby, no visitation, no nothing! He says he doesn’t love this baby and he hates the mom. This makes me feel very confused, should I feel happy about it or should I make him be on his other baby’s life? Please help!

  10. Don'tknowhowtofeel from United States says:

    Well I just want say THANK YOU for this website cause I feel somewhat better that I’m not alone. My story is almost like everyone else’s. My situation has me feeling confused, resentful and just disgusted. My husband who at the time was my then boyfriend, cheated on me twice with an ex-girlfriend and at the time he lied to me and had me thinking that there was no way possible that the baby is his. So from my understanding there was no contact between them while she was pregnant and the first year of the little girl’s life.

    So I ended up pregnant with our second child and while I was pregnant with her we got married and everything was going good. Well he just came to me in June and told me he was going to contact the mother and try to get into the child’s life and that’s what he did. Once he made the first contact with her he sent her a message claiming that he was setting some ground rules on how things need to be and they agreed on it. Well when I talked to him about the situation I found out he was lying the entire time about how the cheating came about. I’m sorry if I’m confusing you but it’s just a lot.

    Anyway, I found out that since the first contact they have been texting and talking on the phone almost everyday since June. I told him how I felt disrespected and asked him to eliminate them talking so much but he shut me down and said that I have to accept there relationship or I can just leave him cause he’s going to be apart of their life whether I like it or not. I tried to be a supportive wife but now I’m seeing texts messages between them that are on a personal level. She sends pictures and text him all times of the night and when I addressed him and told him that I feel like he needs to handle that he told me I’m overreacting and that it’s not that serious; she’s only send pictures.

    I asked him why do she has to send pictures of herself and the child? He said she claimed she doesn’t have a lot of pictures of the child by herself but she had sent about 10-15 pictures of the child by herself. So when I said it to him he said he can’t control what she does but I just feel like he allows all of this to happen and as long he doesn’t address it to her then she is going keep doing it. My question is how should I handle him and her and the situation as a whole cause? I’m really am at my breaking point and he doesn’t realize that he is going to lose me his two girls and this marriage just to please her and this child.

    Please help me any advice will do… feeling confused and disgusted and I just feel like my feelings don’t matter. How can I talk to him without getting upset and acting out of anger and to get him to see my point of view on all of this cause I feel like my words are falling on deaf ears?

  11. Hurtingsomuch from United States says:

    I found this site in my desperate search for answers I will never get. Recently, I found out that my fiance had been cheating on me for two years. We just got engaged almost two months ago. Soon after, the woman he was having an affair with found out and claimed she was pregnant. She insisted that he leave me and when he wouldn’t leave me she threatened him. He still wouldn’t because she did not want to prove she was indeed pregnant or that it’s his. I only found out because to make him suffer, she told her company which resulted in him losing his career.

    It has been an immensely hurtful time, especially when we had actually set a date to marry and he canceled a week before leaving me confused. Now I know why. This woman has completely ruined our lives. He is in therapy and is suffering from severe depression. I am staying as strong as I can because I fear he will hurt himself. It has been almost three weeks since all this happened and no word from her. He does not have a job, his image has been ruined, our engagement was ruined, our plans are ruined and our health has gotten worse as the days go by. Yet, she has gone about her life as if nothing has changed.

    We don’t even know if she is pregnant, and if she is, if it’s his. He was married before and has two grown children. His daughter had a baby amidst all this and we have not seen her since because of the depression we are in. I have not faced my family as I do not know what to tell them. The only thing we have left to do is go to court and force her to prove she is pregnant and that it’s his. Until then, we are living each day in misery. He is a complete mess. He has hit beyond rock bottom and will do anything to save our relationship if she is not having his kid.

    Unfortunately, I cannot be with him with if she is. I just cannot. He wants nothing to do with her EVER. If she felt this was the best way to keep him, she went about it the wrong way. He does not have a job to support a child, he does not want to see her and he wants nothing to do with the child. He hates her. He will be miserable and probably lonely for the rest of his life if she is pregnant. Her actions will only affect a child she brings to the world out of spite, ill intent, malice, hate. I keep asking God how is it that ill intent people end up winning? Why did this happen and why everything around me is falling apart when I am a good person. Why?

  12. Michelle from United States says:

    My husband had an affair after 9 years of marriage and a child was born. I was hurt, angry, ashamed and mostly embarrassed. I was pregnant and we already had 4 children. We had just bought a new home and everything was story book. To say the least it was devastating. We did separate for a year.

    When we reconciled I accepted the affair and the child. I chose to accept it and to grow from it. I cannot change what happened or hide what happened. What happened, happened. It is now apart of us. I made no secret of the affair or the child from my children. Things happen, not that we deserve them, but they happen. We can choose to either let them destroy us and our sanity, or we can deal with it and allow it to be a blessing in disguise.

    We have been reconciled now for 4 years and we have visits with this child regularly. I opened my heart to someone that once brought me so much hurt and in return a precious little girl taught me how to love unconditionally. I am her Mom and she is my daughter. I may not have given birth to her but she has my heart none the less. My husband and I are better than we ever have been. My children have been taught that you never give up. Nothing is too big that God cannot restore and renew.

    Love has no limits. Love has no rules. Love is capable of anything. We used this experience to teach us how to love each other and most important how to appreciate each other. If there is one piece of advise I can offer, it is this: Open your heart it is capable of much more than you think. There is an overwhelming amount of joy that is not explainable or easily understood.

    • M from United States says:

      Wow!!!! I soooo needed to hear your encouraging words. You’ll never know how much I appreciate stumbling across your words. Bless you!!!

    • Leah from United States says:

      My husband and I went through a separation due to his affair. We had 2 children of our own and he was having one with the other woman. We decided to reconcile and I told him we would treat the other child as if she was brought to a new marriage. I have grown to love her as my own, but I worry how this will affect her. She is six and has made comments such as, “I don’t think my Daddy should have married a stepmother” and “If you (Dad) could marry my mom we could all live together and Leah can still be part of the family.” She is obviously trying to make sense of this situation and at some point she will realize she was a result of an affair.

      What can we say to her to make sure she doesn’t feel inferior or less than the other girls? While all three adults get along (her mom even attended the birthday party I threw for her) the older girls, now in college, have not accepted her. I just want to make sure she grows up knowing she is loved, but I don’t know how or what to say and how much to say at such a young age.

    • Joey from South Africa says:

      Thanks for sharing your story. Indeed what a mighty God we serve! It can only be through His wisdom and grace that we can see the good in a terrible situation. May God continue to bless your family. We need more stories like this.

  13. Determined from United States says:

    I found out about five months ago that my husband cheated and possibly has a daughter that is now almost two years old. The woman has three other children that she had lost because of drug use but is being helped by her family. My husband wants me to accept the child for his sake but we have two other children and my four year old son has been diagnosed with autism. That cut me so deep about my baby and all my efforts are to help him and my sixteen year old daughter get through this time.

    When my husband realized he needed to end the relationship, the woman insulted my son by calling him stupid and slow. The rage that was inside me cannot be described but I told my husband that I will never accept any part of that woman or the child. I understand that the child is not at fault but I will not accept a reminder of the awful thing he has done. I told him to financially take care of her if she is his but he says if the mother doesn’t make him then he won’t do it. This tells me he is not all that determined to be in her life.

    I pray to God every day for guidance but I will never accept the child but I also give him the choice to leave if he feels I am being unfair. I struggle with this decision because I don’t want to be wrong towards that child but I also think of the pain it has already caused my children. My daughter has such a hard time looking at my husband now and it almost kills me to see the disappointment in her eyes.

  14. Shana from United States says:

    (USA) Hello. I know what I’ve done isnt right but I have no where to turn. Absolutely no where. Here’s my story. I am 29 I’m a mother to 3 girls, one is 11. She lives with her father because I moved to a new town and she didn’t like it. 2 more girls that I have custody of, go with their dad on weekends. They’re 5 and 3. I’ve been married to my husband for 2 yrs; we have no children. He can’t have any of his own.

    For the past 7 months my husband started accusing me and my best friend’s boyfriend of sleeping together. We weren’t; we were hiding text as friends and would talk about getting together but didn’t until a bit over a month ago. We didn’t use protection the first time. The rest of the times he’d pull out except for one other time. Now I’m pregnant. It’s his, not my husbands. My husband, like I said, can’t have children. We tried at the beginning and he has been tested.

    My kids finally have a happy stable life because of my husband. When I tell him I’m pregnant he’s going to know who the father is and kick me to the curb. My family will disown me, the man that got me pregnant will lose his job because my husband is his boss. And his girlfriend will kick him out. We don’t want to be together. He even mentioned abortion; I said no. I asked today if be would be in the baby’s life; he said yea, maybe yea.

    We are meth users. I look drug free. I have a government clearance job and I am a medic, and fire fighter. No one knows we sleep, we eat, work, and the kids have everything. We spend time with my kids, have a nice house; everything we should have is great and normal on the outside. I am trying to stop using but it I just a top ill get sick and my husband will figure out why I’m doing it. When should I tell him? I wanted to wait til after Christmas so the kids have a good holiday season. How do tell him? What do I plan for? Should I try to make the father be involved? Should I just let him go on and handle it alone?

    Please, any advice will help. The only person I’ve talked to about it is the father. Please help. I am 29 my husband is 55 and the father of baby is 35. Thanks for any advice.

    • Shana from United States says:

      (U.S.) Also, I need to add that today the baby’s father’s girlfriend found out somehow. We are denying it but she said she is making me take a test. She texted my husband but I had his phone and deleted the text then blocked her number but she works at a convenient store my husband goes to every am before work. I am so scared!

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        Shana, This is such a complicated situation on so many levels. I HIGHLY recommend that you go to a Crisis Pregnancy Center to talk to a counselor there. I’m not sure where the one that is closest to you is located or if it is called by that name (ours in Tucson has recently been named “Hands of Hope”). Please go as soon as possible to talk to them. They will meet with you to help you sort out all of this. I know the one here quite well and the counselors are amazingly wise and helpful. You have a lot to sort out and FAST. Please stay away from Planned Parenthood Clinics because they have abortion quotas (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise –we know several former executives from their organization). This is not this baby’s fault. If you get an abortion, as the father recommends, you will just be adding another level of guilt you will experience for the rest of your life because of the child’s life that you ended.

        As tough as all of this is, none of this escaped God’s view. This child would not be inside of you unless God allowed it to happen. Yes, what you did was wrong, but please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly and all of this looks so disastrous, the solution to further do that which you should not, is acceptable. It is not. Please don’t add another wrong on top of the wrong you and this man participated in together. You cannot erase a baby. For the rest of your life, he or she will speak to your conscience and you will find that to be much, much worse than trying to erase him or her. I know from where I am speaking.

        I think you are wise to try to get past Christmas with the news of this, for your children’s sakes, but I’m not sure this gal will let that happen. That’s why calling the Crisis Pregnancy Center right away will be a wise thing to do. They can give you the best one-on-one counsel, and on-going counsel, at that.

        I pray for you Shana, and for this child, and for your other children, as well as your husband. This is really difficult news to have to confess to. But it’s better to approach all of this in truth, rather than try to cover it up further. I predict that if you try to cover this up, it will blow up worse into your face and then you will have all of that, added onto what you are presently facing. Cover-up may seem wise but it has a way of rising up from the dead. Shana, as horrible as this seems, I believe with all my heart that if you talk to a good counselor and work out a plan together, you will be in a MUCH place eventually than you will be if you add on the wrong of terminating a life and trying to erect a cover-up. I have no doubt that it will unravel.

        Shana, God loves you. What you did was wrong. There’s no doubt about that. But please start facing truth, get the help you need to do so, and pick the high road, rather than the low one. You’ve been there and it’s a lousy one to travel on… Ask God to forgive you –He will, and then get good, godly counsel, and reach out for the help you need. Your children deserve to see their mom do the right thing, even if you did wrong before. You also need help with your meth use… to get onto a healthier road for their sakes, your new child’s sake, and yours. (Crisis Pregnancy Center, and perhaps Teen Challenge, even though you aren’t a teenager, can help with that.) I hope your husband will be forgiving. What a wonderful blessing that would be. But if he isn’t, again, this isn’t this baby’s fault. I pray and hope for all of you –that there will eventually be better days ahead. Thank you for trusting us to reach out to us, to allow us to pray for you and your precious family. We have and we will. Again, God loves you –you are precious in His sight.

  15. Shelly from United States says:

    Hi all my name is Shelly and I’m a mother and also a wife. So let me just cut straight to it. Back in December 2010 I had an affair on my husband. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our third child. We were both excited about our new edition to our family. I didn’t tell my husband about the affair. During that time I was miserable because of the pain I know I caused and the burden that I was carrying around about my affair and the possibility that my husband wasn’t the father of our child. I couldn’t stand holding this from somebody I know I LOVE and knew loved me back.

    So sometime in the middle of 2012 I told my husband about the affair and the possibility that our child wasn’t his. He said there is no way that our child is not mine. I LOVE this little girl; she’s mine, I don’t care what you say. He was more hurt than angry for a while but never treated our child any different, not even a little. I asked him if he wanted a DNA test done so we can have peace. He said absolutely not because our child was his.

    Fast forward; we just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in June of this year. But the pain and damaged I caused continues to haunt me everyday of my life. This was my only affair that I’ve had and I will NEVER do it again. It’s like everytime I look into my husband’s eyes I still see the pain I caused to him and our kids. Ok, about a month ago I was going through his phone and found one picture (not nude) of another women and some text messages with conversations about how’s the day or something going. I confronted my husband about it and he didn’t deny it. He insists they were only friends. I couldn’t rest on his word so I contacted the other woman myself. I told her who I was and who my husband was. She told me that her and my husband were just friends and she knew about me and the kids and assured me that nothing happened and she will stop talking to him. After that conversation it’s like I became angry at my husband for not hurting me like I so deeply hurt him. He didn’t betray me the way I betrayed him.

    Right now we are still married but I feel like we are at a stand still because of my infidelity. After we had the talk about the other woman he told me that it’s hard for him to get over what I’ve done. He loves me but it’s hard for him to even look at me the same. I know I’ve hurt this man. He said I will NEVER feel the pain that he feels. I wouldn’t want to because just looking at the pain I caused the man I LOVE is unbearable. He loves me. I know he does. We don’t know if we want to get the DNA test done. It’s like it would puts us at peace then again it may just well destroy us! It’s like I don’t think we can move on from this without that test but yet still we both dread to get it done.

    I pray for my marriage and family everyday. I plead the blood of Jesus over my family and marriage everyday. Lord knows I want my marriage to work out. I want my family so badly. God knows my heart he does. I have faith that he will do it for us. I hate to see my husband in so much heartache and pain, pain I know I’ve caused! The part that gets me is that he still loves me to this day and will do whatever he can for me. It’s almost like I want him to leave so I don’t have to see that pain. I know we have a long ways to go as far as the healing process goes but through Christ all things are possible! Nothing’s greater than him. I just feel hopeless. I keep telling myself to stop leaning on my own understanding and seek first the kingdom of God.

    If I can be of help to anyone please feel free. I will be more than happy to talk to you and give whatever advice I can. Please, if you would continue to pray for the healing of my marriage. Any advice given will be gladly accepted and appreciated!!! God Bless.

    • Jennifer from United States says:

      Shelly, I have a similar situation. I’ve been married for 16 years, daughter is 4 and son will be 3 soon. I told my husband one year ago that I believed my son was another man’s biological son. Of course he was devastated. He decided to stay and work on our marriage. We had the test done and my husband is not the biological father however he loves him as his own.

      The biological father is now involved. He pays child support and has scheduled visits once a month. I believe you and your husband should have the test performed. If your daughter is biologically your husband’s child you will both be relieved of the “wonder” and if she is not biologically his it will allow you both to accept the reality of it and move forward. There are “at home” kits available so you can do in private. We did two before we did the more expensive in lab, both home kits matched results of more expensive legal test. Best wishes.

      • Shelly from United States says:

        Thanks for the advice! We have yet to get DNA test done. I think somehow something is stopping us, yet the unknown remains. I told my husband everything, even the name of the man, which was hard for me but I don’t care about my feelings anymore. That’s what got us here. It’s like I see the other man in her, but yet still my husband. I’m so confused!!! I hurt my husband beyond imaginable. Wow! He is still here, still providing, still supportive, still loving… How do you and your husband get through this? Please help me if you can!!

        Sometimes I feel as if I robbed him of his life and happiness. That’s all I want for him, for us. He says he is happy. He just doesn’t like me bringing it up at all. He says he’s getting through it; just let him handle it his way! Lord help me, help us!!!

  16. AMB from United States says:

    My husband and I have been married for over 6 years. We have a four year old son together. We were both faithful to each other the entire marriage. However, I was unhappy in the marriage, and it was mostly because we neglected the Lord and also because I quickly put my first born son first in everything. I began to always see the negative in my husband, losing respect for him and honestly just being annoyed by him. He never treated me wrong, and in fact always put me first, doing anything I asked. I just had built up this hate towards him for some reason. I can’t explain it.

    Anyway, this year, I deployed to Afghanistan for 8 months. Being a woman, you’re a hot commodity. It became very tempting and easy to cheat on him. I ended up sleeping with four different men. During the eight months I was there, my husband’s mother passed away. He was going through a lot and honestly I was so selfish I didn’t even care. In fact I even told him I was cheating on him, and didn’t want to be with him. He was devastated. He went really psycho, wanted to kill himself etc, but was seeking treatment. I was/am so selfish, I didn’t care, and I continued to cheat on him right up until the week I left to come home.

    But I decided before I came home that I was going to try to see if I could feel anything for him again and come home to him. I was starting to feel guilt and ashamed. He claimed he’d be willing to try to work it out and that he stil loves me more than anything. He still had a lot of anger towards me though. We were having a good reunion and all, but on Christmas Eve, I fell asleep with my son, and I thought my husband was going to put the presents under the tree, only to find out, he was drinking and getting wasted… We are not big drinkers, but apparently while I was deployed that’s how he dealt with his emotions.

    Anyway, he got so drunk he was stumbling around. I walked out to see what was the noise. He started yelling at me and tried to reach for his gun. I quickly grabbed it, not sure if he was going to kill me or himself. I called the police and they didn’t arrest him. But they took him to the hospital/psych ward. I was so angry, I left him there overnight. I didn’t want to ruin my son’s Christmas, so I told him to get a cab ride home for Christmas, and I left to go to my parents.

    We stayed there a few days, and while I was there I began to get sick, and quickly realized I was late for my period, and figured out I was pregnant. I had only been home a couple of weeks and I know the child is not my husband’s. My husband and I are Caucasian, and one of the potential biological fathers is African American. My family is old school, and while it seems harsh to say this, they are racists. My family was devastated and kept telling me I only had a few options… One was to have an abortion/give the child up for adoption… Or leave my husband and raise the baby and my son on my own.

    I was so confused, and I knew I couldn’t have an abortion or give up for adoption, so I called my husband and told him I was in fear that he was trying to shoot me, so I wanted him to move out for the safety of our son. He began to pack up his things and move in with a friend. But I began to get scared and realized I could not raise two children on my own. So I went home and told my husband I was pregnant, the baby was not his and I was very scared. He did something that shocked me. He said he forgave me for everything and that he doesn’t care anymore, that he loved me and wanted to help me in any way possible even if I didn’t love him like that he would still help me raise the baby.

    Who does that? Who is that nice? I’m in shock. He should be throwing me to the curb, taking my son away from me, he should be hating me. But to make matters worse, I quickly discovered that he had something to hide. I was wondering why he kept getting phone calls from this woman. He claimed that they met while I was deployed, and were friends through my sons school, as her son is my sons age, and my husband works with her husband. This family is where he was going to stay when I had kicked him out. I was half joking after one time she called, and was like, who was that, your girlfriend? He got irate… So I began to wonder if it was true… I blatantly asked him if they were sleeping together, and he said, no.

    Later on that day, he called me and was like, You know what you asked me earlier, I have to tell you, yes, we are sleeping together. I was shocked and just told him we would talk about it later. When he came home, he said he was just kidding, he wanted to see if I cared enough about him I and if it would make me angry… Totally immature, but he’s done worse… So I forgot it. A few days later, I get a text from the woman’s husband and says that he knows I barely know him. But wondered if I picked up on anything strange between his wife and my husband… I told him that he’s right I don’t know him and that conversation should be between him and his wife. But that I did think it was odd that she was always calling him.

    So I confronted my husband again and he admitted they did sleep together. It took hours of questioning to reveal that they had slept together as recently as Christmas Day when I had left him. I was soooo hurt and shocked. The woman’s husband told me she admitted that they met online. My husband said he was lonely and hurt by my infidelity. Why he’d think two wrongs make a right I don’t know.

    Anyway, I told him this, that I feel my infidelity was different. I kept it in Afghanistan. I didn’t bring men around my son or sleep with them under our roof. My husband brought this woman into our home and slept in OUR bed. She stayed the night here too. Her husband said he didn’t want to believe they were sleeping together, and claimed that she stayed the night to help my husband with my son bc he was depressed. Who would believe that?!?! Anyway, I can’t help but feel so angry and can’t get over the fact that he basically had a relationship with this woman, whereas honestly, I knew I’d never see these men again…. And I feel like I couldn’t trust him bc this woman lives in our town and they may see each other again at my sons school, whereas the men I was with are from different parts of the country and I have NO desire to see them again. Except for the fact that now I have this baby and may have to. But I feel like his infidelity is worse somehow. I know that no sin is greater than the other, I am just hurt, angry, scared, etc. I don’t know why I am posting this other than I get it all out.

  17. Sylvia from United States says:

    Hello, I would like to get some feedback from my situation. I have been married for 37 years. About 30 years ago my husband had an affair and fathered a child who is now 30 years old. All of this information came out about a year ago. My husband has told me bits and pieces but says it’s a lot he does not remember. He said the mother withheld the truth from him all these years but he suspected he was the father and did nothing except cut off communication with her.

    When the child was 22 years old my husband approached him and told him he was his father (all unbeknownst to me). Last year the child contacted my husband and said he wanted to have a relationship with him. My husband began to lavish him with gifts and place him on a pedestal above the 2 children we have together. Recently the son has become withdrawn. My husband says he refuses to call him dad or say he loves him. This causes my husband to be angry and take it out on me.

    I am very perplexed by it all. I don’t know if I’ve been told the truth because my husband’s account of things keeps changing. My husband and I are now in counseling together but I sense that he is still withholding information. He has asked me to forgive him, which I have, but I am not overjoyed with the son although I have been cordial and nice to him. Any advice or comments on this matter is welcome.

  18. Candace from United States says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now. We found out last year about 3 months after I had our second child that he possibly fathered another child. We lived next door to the girl and one night while he was coming home from the club she and her boy friend were fighting. After he broke it up and calmed their son down she seduced him. She got pregnant but never told anyone anything.

    Two years later she sees him and tells him. I told him to do a DNA to find out if this is your child. Her and I used to talk all the time and she was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on about him. That was a really hard time in the relationship. So in finding this out a year later no test has been done; the excuse is they don’t have the money for it. She was supposed to pay for it when she got he tax refund.

    He doesn’t respect how I feel about it, he tells me that it happened and I need to get over it. When we talk about it we argue. She even comes to the house and spends the night. He’s not letting me deal with it at all. He wants me to do it in his time and not my own. I’m trying to deal with it but the fact that no one has said for sure bothers me. She was living with her boy friend at the time. I am about to explode and I know it’s not her fault but sometimes I just don’t want her around, but he feels like she is his and I feel like I am forced to be in a position I am not ready for.

    Our relationship is struggling right now because he communicates with her about more than the little girl and keeps things they talk about to himself. This affects us because I chose to stay with him hoping that we could fix this together but it’s all about him. I’m tired of this and ready to move on but my two boys will suffer. I need help with how to deal with this and move on. If not, I don’t know what will happen.

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