Marriage Missions International

When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND

Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND

What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast, where Bob and talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

313 Responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair”
  1. Kathy from United States says:

    My son in law had an emotional affair, which he lied about for months and months then confessed it was physical but swears there was no sex. The girl is pregnant and hid the pregnancy for several months but claims the baby is her husbands. The 2 of them have lied so much for so long who knows what to believe. They would send each other naked pictures of each other and talked about wanting to have sex. Biblically we know this is an affair. My daughter has tried so hard to work it out but when she is not around I see my son in law looking at other women. She is so young and could start a whole new life but she still has a sliver of hope. What should I encourage? My son in law has done nothing to get help.

  2. Kelly from United States says:

    I am the product of an affair. My dad made a mistake he regretted terribly. When my bio mom found out she was pregnant she considered abortion but my dad and mom (his cheated on wife) told her they wanted me. She selflessly gave me up and I was raised in a loving and accepting home with brothers and sister already grown up. Never met bio mom, don’t really need to. My problem is that I am embarrassed to tell my fiancé though I know I must. He has some very conservative older relatives. His parents would be ok with it, I’m sure.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Kelly, You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If God didn’t want you to be born, you would never have taken a breath. Despite your parent’s sin, God has a plan for you –to love you and include you in His Kingdom work. Please Kelly, tell your fiancé. If he doesn’t support and show love to you 100% through this revelation, then he’s wouldn’t be a good partner for life. Sometimes life hands us circumstances we don’t like or would pick, if we had a choice. But we aren’t always given choices in every aspect of our lives. If marriage partners can’t support one another through those types of times, then they shouldn’t consider marrying. They would be a weak team. And if his relatives –conservative, or not, have a problem with your background, then THEY have a problem –not you or your fiancé. Don’t allow that to stop you from holding up your head. God loves you and so should they. If they don’t, shame on them.

      After finding out about you being conceived, both your moms were selfless. That’s something that should inspire you to feel very blessed and cause you to live up to the opportunity to prove that their selflessness was not given in vain. Keep your head up, don’t keep secrets, and pray that your fiancé will be supportive of you as he should be. I pray the best for you.

  3. Heather from United States says:

    I have been with my husband since I was 18-for 22 years. He also is 11 years older then me. All throughout our marriage he has cheated and has shown remorse but always does it again. I found out some years ago he had a steady mistress he was seeing.

    I talked to the girl and explained our situation. I thought the relatonship was over and I find out she had a baby by my husband. Of course he denies the baby is his but did sign the birth certificate. When I found out the mistress tells me she will take my husband from me. It’s been two years and since then my husband has went to work and come straight home. There has been no hiding of cell phone. Things seemed to be ok until I got an instagram picture of a recent picture of her and my husband together kissing thatshe sent me.

    My husband says he was set up by his sister and his mistress and he apologized profusely. I don’t trust him whatsoever, and haven’t for many years. We have six kids together and I’m not going to lie, I love him. He’s the only man I have ever loved… who is walking all over me and making a fool of me.

  4. Frank from United States says:

    I’m a 34-year-old male who discovered twelve years ago that my mother very likely indulged in an extramarital affair with another man when my sisters and I were children. The probable realization was painful. Because it was in the past and I wasn’t 100% certain the affair had actually occurred, I put it out of my mind. Late last year, I unwittingly discovered further proof and much to my horror, have realized that my youngest sister, very possibly, was the result of that affair.

    I never disclosed my suspicions to anybody. But now, I honestly don’t know what to do. Realizing my youngest sister may actually be my half-sister changes everything.

  5. Mis FroM Az from United States says:

    I cheated on my fiancé with a man from work after being together for 6 years. I got pregnant. Both men knew. Both were willing to be dad if the baby was theirs. When I was five months along the other guy left work and I didn’t hear from him. I continued to be with my fiancé who did accept the baby after he was born.

    I was emotionally drained. There was no DNA test done at that point on my son because the other guy left and I didn’t hear from him again until the baby was about 3 months old. He came in asking and I told him he was my fiancé’s baby. My baby resembled me completely. But as he got older I started seeing the other guy. On my sons first birthday about 6 months ago I saw the other guy in my son’s features. So I bought a DNA test.

    Me and my fiancé have talked about this recently and both think he has the right to know as well as our child does. This has been eating at me. And it hasn’t been easy. My fiancé swabbed his cheeks but has been angry since. He didn’t want me to send the test out. But he says it is my choice. I sent the test out earlier this week and the waiting is insane. I’m about 99.9 percent sure my son is this other mans.

    I wish I had thought things through better earlier on. My fear is that my son’s biological father won’t want anything to do with him, which I understand is his choice, but this whole thing is just a mess. I have felt comfort here reading others stories. I understand the emotional draining others have gone through and find comfort that I am not alone.

  6. Lety from United States says:

    I’ve been with my husband since I was 15 yrs old. We’ve been together for 22 yrs. Early January of 2014 my husband confessed on having an affair with our 8 yr old best friend’s mother. Since then my husband left his home and family, which lasted a couple of months. In the mean time I was still fighting for our marriage. Result of this I found out that I’m pregnant.

    The whole time the lady has created fake Facebook pages, and has called me numerous times. I had to delete my facebook page and change my phone number numerous times. It doesn’t help that this lady lives 4 blocks away our home. She’s always driving by our home and if she sees me, she waves hi to me.

    Since I found out we’re having a baby he came back home. On Christmas eve this lady posted pictures on Facebook showing that she is also pregnant and she posted that it’s from my husband. Since then my husband is still at home. However this lady always updates her post to notify me that she is still seeing my husband. And it’s so obvious that she nails it. It never fails she does this when my husband is out by himself.

    What do I do? I’m so torn by this and get very depressed and feel hopeless. I believe in my heart that he still sees or calls her. I’ve seen calls on his call log to her. Honestly I love this man with all my heart to know that he did this to our family. Our 3 children are aware of the affair but they’re not aware that she’s having a baby, as well.

  7. Kim from United States says:

    My husband and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We’re now 40 and 41 -26 years. 13 years ago he had an affair with a mutual friend which resulted in a son. We have three kids of our own. I hate telling this story because I really don’t want him looked at as a bad guy. We were young and he made a mistake and has proven time and time again that he is truly sorry. He’s not a serial cheater; there has not been an issue before or since this incident. He’s a great dad who loves his children, works hard, and takes care of his family.

    My problem is I can’t let go of the anger, no matter how hard I try it is always there and it has stunted my growth. My anger has prevented him from being there for this child, because I can’t handle this unfortunate situation. He has sacrificed a relationship with his child to keep me happy. But as this child gets older I know it bothers him deeply; but no matter how much I love him (and I do with all my heart) my anger won’t let me support him with this and by not doing that I know that I am punishing the child because he’s missing out on a great dad; and I’m punishing him because I’m preventing him from being the good man that he is, and I’m also preventing our kids from having a relationship with their little brother. And I’m scared that one day they’re all going to blame me. With all that being said the anger in me won’t let me change how I feel. I’m asking for advice on how to let my anger go; I have held onto it long enough. Thanks to those who took the time to read this. I’m tired of being angry

    • Sharee from United States says:

      Hello Kim, I’m going through a similar situation that you are. I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but I also struggle with anger towards my so called friend because I know true friends would never do one another like this.

      But I can say what has honestly helped me is going back to church. I’m starting to come to a conclusion that it’s not the child’s fault and that I must now set boundaries and things are done on my conditions. One thing I’ve learned is that Healing is under the authority of the believer. We must trust in God and give it all to him. He will guide us and lay peace on our hearts. We have not fully forgiven the entire situation if we cannot deal with all aspects of what happened including the kid. And we have to forgive in order to move forward with our lives. I really hope this helps you. It’s a battle for me everyday to get through this and reading this website and others stories has helped me sooo much!

    • Job from United States says:

      Kim, God bless you, I feel your anger. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary for God will forgive as we do, but keep in mind that there is a guy on the other side of this that’s in your same position. He is raising this child as his! If y’all decide to be a part of this child’s life consider the other man please! The law is on your husband’s side but his forcing involvement turns the other family upside down. For him to have want you say means forcing y’alls will on the other family and the “dad” in the other fily gets his role stolen, and if he was around during the affair he already had the purity of his marriage taken away. Yes forgive, but don’t force!

    • Judy from United States says:

      Wow I’m going through the same exact situation.

  8. Sharee from United States says:

    I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but at times I don’t know how to get over it or move on. He has never cheated before and has been proving to me that he wants me and only me. We’re supposed to be getting married in March. Anybody got any advice of what helped them through situations like this?

    • Kim from United States says:

      Hi Sharee, thank you very much for your words and your advice. You’re absolutely right I have a couple of people that I talk to and they also say talk to God. I’ve never been much of a church goer but I have started praying and I feel it’s helping. I want to get over this and truly be happy. It’s been 13 years. This is a part of our past that should be put to rest. I’ve decided to take this year to work on myself and become a happier.

      My NH is and has done everything right to make me as comfortable as I can be with this situation. He doesn’t keep secrets, he tells me everything, and I’ve always had a say in what and how things are handled. There’s nothing more I can ask him for.

      I wish you all the best in your relationship. I feel if you truly believe your fiancé when he says things are over with him and your “friend” and you know without a doubt that he loves you and puts you first then your relationship is worth saving. This website has helped me so much also. I always knew this was a common situation but just reading so many people’s stories makes me feel better. I know I’m not alone and my feelings are normal. I thank everyone for sharing.

      • Sarah from United States says:

        I’m not finding anything like my family’s situation but we need some advice. My husband had two children prior to our marriage. One was from his first marriage, and the second was conceived from an affair, which broke up his first marriage. I also have two children from a previous marriage and we’ve had one child together.

        We talk about everything as a family and get along with both of our ex-spouses very well, have dinner together and co-parent well. However, the other woman who my husband cheated with during his first marriage tells our daughter that she was the product of divorce and not of the affair. We don’t know how to tell our daughter the true story of her conception and birth and the effect it had on her older brother who was still a baby at the time, without causing her any problems.

        If we don’t talk about it openly we’re betraying who we are as a family and I believe we’re risking their relationship moving forward. Also, our daughter seems to have self esteem and identity issues already and is mean to her little step sister, perhaps from her own questions about where she came from and what that means to her. It’s really hard to decide what to do and I’m not finding anyone in this position. Help!!

      • Sharee from United States says:

        Kim, Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. He said it was only that one time and the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. I feel that he is genuinely sorry and we have continued to plan our wedding in March. It is great to read about people who have been there and have gone on to have great and happy lives. I know eventually he and I can get back to that point. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and give feedback.

    • June from United Kingdom says:

      My husband of 30 years this October did something similar, but at the time I saw a text from her stating she was pregnant, questioned him, and he responded by saying some mad woman, any way she went back to country in Zimbabwe when she found out that she was pregnant. Last December he went to see his daughter. I kept asking him, as I had this feeling deep within my stomach for a while. His response was that he couldn’t tell me. Often it is easier if they own up as soon as possible, but it still doesn’t make the pain any easier.

      Our children don’t want any thing to do with her. I have started to try to understand the situation 1 year on, but only through prayer and support of my pastor that I have gotten this far, as I have learned that nothing just happens.

  9. Lois from Philippines says:

    I’m currently 3 months pregnant and have been battling with guilt for sometime now. I had an affair with my boss, who’s been very good to me and honestly he’s like my dream man. But I’ve been married for 8 years now with a seven year old daughter. I love my husband but I got smitten with my boss. He has done many good things for me.

    When his wife started getting suspicious last year I decided to get out of it, but my boss wouldn’t let me. He even threatened me and then begged, saying he’d just do anything. He’d follow me around even when I was working in another agency, just to be away from him. He’d kept saying we’ll just talk then he’d take me somewhere private.

    Then I got pregnant. This time he agreed not to see me because he was scared. I’m so angry. Even though it was my decision, I still feel abandoned, and I’m so terribly afraid of the outcome even though my husband doesn’t know about it. He was happy for another child but I’m eaten with guilt. I’d wake up suddenly at dawn then I just cry. I can’t even try to pray; it’s like I’m not worth hearing.

  10. K.T. from United States says:

    I became involved in an affair without knowing it. My partner emphatically denied being married or in any kind of relationship, even after being asked repeatedly. Soon after we started being together intimately I became pregnant. He expressed his not wanting a baby, but also promised to be there for me whatever my decision may be. I, at first, considered abortion. I didn’t want my child to be born in this crazy and confusing situation. Here I am in my 40’s with a younger man in my life. He doesn’t want a child right now, so he’s unhappy about the pregnancy.

    I felt that bringing a baby into this situation would be the recipe for disaster. I set up the appointment, but couldn’t make myself go through with the abortion, so needless to say I had the baby.

    When he found out I chose to have the baby he disappeared, calling every so often to “check on me” and the pregnancy. He wouldn’t come around during the pregnancy because he didn’t want to become emotionally attached to the baby. He has fought against her existence from the very beginning. He came back around when she was four months. He came back pouring all his business, everything about himself on my lap –everything. I was able to find out anything I ever wanted to know about him, and his family for that matter, because of the information he gave me.

    He came full of apologies and asking to be in her life. He said he was committed to being in her life. He told me about the marriage and the kids he has with his wife. I was devastated. Since finding out I have never cried so much in life. I saw him trying. He really tried to be a part of her life, but that was short-lived when he realized he couldn’t spend any money or time on her without his wife knowing about it.

    For a while he did come see her. I didn’t make a big deal about the money because I was aware of the situation with the wife. I just wanted my daughter to have her dad in her life, so I let it go. As long as he was there with her, spending time and making memories—giving our daughter her dad, that was all that mattered to me. I know that sound naive and gullible, maybe even desperate; however, I grew up without my dad. I didn’t want my daughter to experience that feeling –wondering where dad could be and why he never thought enough of me to be in my life.

    That hurts at a whole new level–in a way that can’t be explained when you find out there are other children born to this same man. They came into existence the same way I did, but he was there for them. He loved them, played with them, helped care for them and encouraged them, but never thought to do those things for me. That really hurt. GOD, THAT HURT SO MUCH!!! I just didn’t want my child to experience that, yet I couldn’t protect her from it.

    Now he doesn’t spend any time with her. He said he couldn’t be her father because he didn’t want to sacrifice what he has worked so hard for over the past 15 years –marriage, family, “love” and stability.

    As the other woman I feel stupid for allowing myself to be in that situation. It hurts so much I wake up with tears in my eyes. I cry while I’m asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night pleading with God to take the pain away or just let us die. Some days it takes everything in me to function enough to get through the day. Sometimes I cry until I feel there’s nothing left in me. I feel hollow, empty, drained, unable to feel anything.

Marriage Missions International