Marriage Missions International

When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND

Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND

What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast, where Bob and talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

352 Responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair”
  1. Kathy from United States says:

    My son in law had an emotional affair, which he lied about for months and months then confessed it was physical but swears there was no sex. The girl is pregnant and hid the pregnancy for several months but claims the baby is her husbands. The 2 of them have lied so much for so long who knows what to believe. They would send each other naked pictures of each other and talked about wanting to have sex. Biblically we know this is an affair. My daughter has tried so hard to work it out but when she is not around I see my son in law looking at other women. She is so young and could start a whole new life but she still has a sliver of hope. What should I encourage? My son in law has done nothing to get help.

  2. Kelly from United States says:

    I am the product of an affair. My dad made a mistake he regretted terribly. When my bio mom found out she was pregnant she considered abortion but my dad and mom (his cheated on wife) told her they wanted me. She selflessly gave me up and I was raised in a loving and accepting home with brothers and sister already grown up. Never met bio mom, don’t really need to. My problem is that I am embarrassed to tell my fiancé though I know I must. He has some very conservative older relatives. His parents would be ok with it, I’m sure.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Kelly, You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If God didn’t want you to be born, you would never have taken a breath. Despite your parent’s sin, God has a plan for you –to love you and include you in His Kingdom work. Please Kelly, tell your fiancé. If he doesn’t support and show love to you 100% through this revelation, then he’s wouldn’t be a good partner for life. Sometimes life hands us circumstances we don’t like or would pick, if we had a choice. But we aren’t always given choices in every aspect of our lives. If marriage partners can’t support one another through those types of times, then they shouldn’t consider marrying. They would be a weak team. And if his relatives –conservative, or not, have a problem with your background, then THEY have a problem –not you or your fiancé. Don’t allow that to stop you from holding up your head. God loves you and so should they. If they don’t, shame on them.

      After finding out about you being conceived, both your moms were selfless. That’s something that should inspire you to feel very blessed and cause you to live up to the opportunity to prove that their selflessness was not given in vain. Keep your head up, don’t keep secrets, and pray that your fiancé will be supportive of you as he should be. I pray the best for you.

  3. Heather from United States says:

    I have been with my husband since I was 18-for 22 years. He also is 11 years older then me. All throughout our marriage he has cheated and has shown remorse but always does it again. I found out some years ago he had a steady mistress he was seeing.

    I talked to the girl and explained our situation. I thought the relatonship was over and I find out she had a baby by my husband. Of course he denies the baby is his but did sign the birth certificate. When I found out the mistress tells me she will take my husband from me. It’s been two years and since then my husband has went to work and come straight home. There has been no hiding of cell phone. Things seemed to be ok until I got an instagram picture of a recent picture of her and my husband together kissing thatshe sent me.

    My husband says he was set up by his sister and his mistress and he apologized profusely. I don’t trust him whatsoever, and haven’t for many years. We have six kids together and I’m not going to lie, I love him. He’s the only man I have ever loved… who is walking all over me and making a fool of me.

  4. Frank from United States says:

    I’m a 34-year-old male who discovered twelve years ago that my mother very likely indulged in an extramarital affair with another man when my sisters and I were children. The probable realization was painful. Because it was in the past and I wasn’t 100% certain the affair had actually occurred, I put it out of my mind. Late last year, I unwittingly discovered further proof and much to my horror, have realized that my youngest sister, very possibly, was the result of that affair.

    I never disclosed my suspicions to anybody. But now, I honestly don’t know what to do. Realizing my youngest sister may actually be my half-sister changes everything.

  5. Mis FroM Az from United States says:

    I cheated on my fiancé with a man from work after being together for 6 years. I got pregnant. Both men knew. Both were willing to be dad if the baby was theirs. When I was five months along the other guy left work and I didn’t hear from him. I continued to be with my fiancé who did accept the baby after he was born.

    I was emotionally drained. There was no DNA test done at that point on my son because the other guy left and I didn’t hear from him again until the baby was about 3 months old. He came in asking and I told him he was my fiancé’s baby. My baby resembled me completely. But as he got older I started seeing the other guy. On my sons first birthday about 6 months ago I saw the other guy in my son’s features. So I bought a DNA test.

    Me and my fiancé have talked about this recently and both think he has the right to know as well as our child does. This has been eating at me. And it hasn’t been easy. My fiancé swabbed his cheeks but has been angry since. He didn’t want me to send the test out. But he says it is my choice. I sent the test out earlier this week and the waiting is insane. I’m about 99.9 percent sure my son is this other mans.

    I wish I had thought things through better earlier on. My fear is that my son’s biological father won’t want anything to do with him, which I understand is his choice, but this whole thing is just a mess. I have felt comfort here reading others stories. I understand the emotional draining others have gone through and find comfort that I am not alone.

  6. Lety from United States says:

    I’ve been with my husband since I was 15 yrs old. We’ve been together for 22 yrs. Early January of 2014 my husband confessed on having an affair with our 8 yr old best friend’s mother. Since then my husband left his home and family, which lasted a couple of months. In the mean time I was still fighting for our marriage. Result of this I found out that I’m pregnant.

    The whole time the lady has created fake Facebook pages, and has called me numerous times. I had to delete my facebook page and change my phone number numerous times. It doesn’t help that this lady lives 4 blocks away our home. She’s always driving by our home and if she sees me, she waves hi to me.

    Since I found out we’re having a baby he came back home. On Christmas eve this lady posted pictures on Facebook showing that she is also pregnant and she posted that it’s from my husband. Since then my husband is still at home. However this lady always updates her post to notify me that she is still seeing my husband. And it’s so obvious that she nails it. It never fails she does this when my husband is out by himself.

    What do I do? I’m so torn by this and get very depressed and feel hopeless. I believe in my heart that he still sees or calls her. I’ve seen calls on his call log to her. Honestly I love this man with all my heart to know that he did this to our family. Our 3 children are aware of the affair but they’re not aware that she’s having a baby, as well.

  7. Kim from United States says:

    My husband and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We’re now 40 and 41 -26 years. 13 years ago he had an affair with a mutual friend which resulted in a son. We have three kids of our own. I hate telling this story because I really don’t want him looked at as a bad guy. We were young and he made a mistake and has proven time and time again that he is truly sorry. He’s not a serial cheater; there has not been an issue before or since this incident. He’s a great dad who loves his children, works hard, and takes care of his family.

    My problem is I can’t let go of the anger, no matter how hard I try it is always there and it has stunted my growth. My anger has prevented him from being there for this child, because I can’t handle this unfortunate situation. He has sacrificed a relationship with his child to keep me happy. But as this child gets older I know it bothers him deeply; but no matter how much I love him (and I do with all my heart) my anger won’t let me support him with this and by not doing that I know that I am punishing the child because he’s missing out on a great dad; and I’m punishing him because I’m preventing him from being the good man that he is, and I’m also preventing our kids from having a relationship with their little brother. And I’m scared that one day they’re all going to blame me. With all that being said the anger in me won’t let me change how I feel. I’m asking for advice on how to let my anger go; I have held onto it long enough. Thanks to those who took the time to read this. I’m tired of being angry

    • Sharee from United States says:

      Hello Kim, I’m going through a similar situation that you are. I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but I also struggle with anger towards my so called friend because I know true friends would never do one another like this.

      But I can say what has honestly helped me is going back to church. I’m starting to come to a conclusion that it’s not the child’s fault and that I must now set boundaries and things are done on my conditions. One thing I’ve learned is that Healing is under the authority of the believer. We must trust in God and give it all to him. He will guide us and lay peace on our hearts. We have not fully forgiven the entire situation if we cannot deal with all aspects of what happened including the kid. And we have to forgive in order to move forward with our lives. I really hope this helps you. It’s a battle for me everyday to get through this and reading this website and others stories has helped me sooo much!

    • Job from United States says:

      Kim, God bless you, I feel your anger. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary for God will forgive as we do, but keep in mind that there is a guy on the other side of this that’s in your same position. He is raising this child as his! If y’all decide to be a part of this child’s life consider the other man please! The law is on your husband’s side but his forcing involvement turns the other family upside down. For him to have want you say means forcing y’alls will on the other family and the “dad” in the other fily gets his role stolen, and if he was around during the affair he already had the purity of his marriage taken away. Yes forgive, but don’t force!

      • Lala from United States says:

        Hey I just found out my fiancé got another girl pregnant I’m so mad I want to leave him but it’s like I can’t. This is so humiliating I don’t know if Ill be able to handle it when the baby is born. How is it being a step mom ?

    • Judy from United States says:

      Wow I’m going through the same exact situation.

      • Margaret from United States says:

        I’m going thru the same situation. It’s so hard, but I want nothing to do with the child. We have 2 other children of our own, and his son cries for his mom when it’s our weekend to have him and I hate it, cause it’s a constant reminder that he is not my son. My husband and I argue a lot when it’s our weekend to have him. I wish he would give him up and not see him anymore. The kid doesn’t want to be with us, just his mom, so why not let him have what he wants?

        He is only 5 and is already telling us he hates being with us, and wishes his mom was with my husband. We haven’t told him he was born out of an affair, not sure they ever will tell him. I hate the situation I’m in, but I love my husband to death. HelP!!!

    • Anna from Canada says:

      As a child born out of an extramarital affair and who hated both of her parents because she had to bear the stigma of her parents’ actions, I’ll say: “Ask God to help you see the whole situation with HIS eyes and to give you the strength to forgive your husband because you haven’t really.” Honestly, I commend you for staying with your husband. My dad’s wife did too and my mother, the other woman, still acts as if she was “abandoned” by her husband.

      I’m 37 and have had no relationship with my dad since 2008. I haven’t seen him since 2003. My parents’ affair ended when I was 3, in a very acrimonious way with my dad doing his best to ruin my mom’s career. The next time I met my dad, I was 15. I didn’t even know how to call him. Since he’s a very well-known person, I grew up with people either calling me a bastard when they thought I couldn’t hear or asking me if his other children were my siblings. To this day, I have never met any of them but sometimes, I google them and save their pictures. I try to see if there’s any resemblance.

      I still bear the shame of the circumstances of my conception, which is absolutely unfair. I truly believe that if I, at least, had a relationship with my dad while growing up, I wouldn’t feel so ashamed. In my situation, it was my mom who was against me seeing my dad; then he didn’t make that much effort, because he didn’t want/need the headache.

      Anyway, as per my mom and I believe her since it’s an open secret that my dad used to have mistresses, I’m not his only love child. My point: please, do not punish a child who hasn’t asked to be born, especially under such circumstances. He’s a much a victim as you are.

    • Ann Marie from United States says:

      Hello Kim, I have been dealing with a similar situation for the last 14 years. My husband & I were married 12 years with a 1 year old girl. After suspecting he was having an affair, we tired counseling. I found out a few months later the other woman was pregnant. I quickly filed for divorce (not wanting to but felt there was no way out). It was very difficult but after a few years of pain & hurt I was able to move on.

      He was being a father to both of his children. Six years go by and we ended up have a one night stand and I at age 40 became pregnant. This was 9 years ago. We have many ups & downs and have been in marriage counseling but I feel I’ll never get over this. I try everyday to be positive but I feel broken. I wish I never went back with him. I love my 2 daughters and stay for them.

      The hurt & daily reminders somedays are unbearable. Good luck with your situation. Surround yourself with positive people and not people who only judge you!

  8. Sharee from United States says:

    I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but at times I don’t know how to get over it or move on. He has never cheated before and has been proving to me that he wants me and only me. We’re supposed to be getting married in March. Anybody got any advice of what helped them through situations like this?

    • Kim from United States says:

      Hi Sharee, thank you very much for your words and your advice. You’re absolutely right I have a couple of people that I talk to and they also say talk to God. I’ve never been much of a church goer but I have started praying and I feel it’s helping. I want to get over this and truly be happy. It’s been 13 years. This is a part of our past that should be put to rest. I’ve decided to take this year to work on myself and become a happier.

      My NH is and has done everything right to make me as comfortable as I can be with this situation. He doesn’t keep secrets, he tells me everything, and I’ve always had a say in what and how things are handled. There’s nothing more I can ask him for.

      I wish you all the best in your relationship. I feel if you truly believe your fiancé when he says things are over with him and your “friend” and you know without a doubt that he loves you and puts you first then your relationship is worth saving. This website has helped me so much also. I always knew this was a common situation but just reading so many people’s stories makes me feel better. I know I’m not alone and my feelings are normal. I thank everyone for sharing.

      • Sarah from United States says:

        I’m not finding anything like my family’s situation but we need some advice. My husband had two children prior to our marriage. One was from his first marriage, and the second was conceived from an affair, which broke up his first marriage. I also have two children from a previous marriage and we’ve had one child together.

        We talk about everything as a family and get along with both of our ex-spouses very well, have dinner together and co-parent well. However, the other woman who my husband cheated with during his first marriage tells our daughter that she was the product of divorce and not of the affair. We don’t know how to tell our daughter the true story of her conception and birth and the effect it had on her older brother who was still a baby at the time, without causing her any problems.

        If we don’t talk about it openly we’re betraying who we are as a family and I believe we’re risking their relationship moving forward. Also, our daughter seems to have self esteem and identity issues already and is mean to her little step sister, perhaps from her own questions about where she came from and what that means to her. It’s really hard to decide what to do and I’m not finding anyone in this position. Help!!

      • Sharee from United States says:

        Kim, Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. He said it was only that one time and the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. I feel that he is genuinely sorry and we have continued to plan our wedding in March. It is great to read about people who have been there and have gone on to have great and happy lives. I know eventually he and I can get back to that point. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and give feedback.

    • June from United Kingdom says:

      My husband of 30 years this October did something similar, but at the time I saw a text from her stating she was pregnant, questioned him, and he responded by saying some mad woman, any way she went back to country in Zimbabwe when she found out that she was pregnant. Last December he went to see his daughter. I kept asking him, as I had this feeling deep within my stomach for a while. His response was that he couldn’t tell me. Often it is easier if they own up as soon as possible, but it still doesn’t make the pain any easier.

      Our children don’t want any thing to do with her. I have started to try to understand the situation 1 year on, but only through prayer and support of my pastor that I have gotten this far, as I have learned that nothing just happens.

    • Laurie from United States says:

      Run…run…run! If he will do this before your married he will do it after. He’s linked now to this person. There is no forgetting because there’s always a reminder. My husband has cheated on me several times in 13 yrs of marriage. He lied sooo many times I trust nothing he says. He always promised to change, to do better. I found out about the first affair when we had a 2 month old. Now we have 6 kids. I always wanted to try to keep our family together.

      Honestly though, if he had cheated before we had kids I would have left. I was scared of being alone. Now I have 6 kids and just found out he has been cheating again and she’s pregnant. She thought he was separated, which still doesn’t equal divorce. She contacted me when some things he told her weren’t adding up. She too is devastated by his lies but takes responsibility for her actions.

      He just keeps lying when I asked about him having a girlfriend. Even before I heard from her. He doesn’t know she contacted me. He doesn’t know she’s pregnant. She said she isn’t seeing him anymore and barely answers his calls. She wants to leave and doesn’t want him to try to find her. When she is gone I’ve to decide what to tell him. But I know for sure for me I won’t put up with this. It is the ultimate disrespect.

      I don’t know if he’ll ever change. There’s no trust at all. Sometimes you have to go into self preservation mode. It might hurt to call it off now but you’ll move on. Think of how it’ll hurt if he does this when you’re married. I’ve made it this far because of the strength of the Lord and now the Lord has told me enough is enough; you tried your best. Think of what you would tell your friend to do if she was in this situation. I know I would tell my friend don’t put up with this. Now I have to take my own advice. Good luck.

  9. Lois from Philippines says:

    I’m currently 3 months pregnant and have been battling with guilt for sometime now. I had an affair with my boss, who’s been very good to me and honestly he’s like my dream man. But I’ve been married for 8 years now with a seven year old daughter. I love my husband but I got smitten with my boss. He has done many good things for me.

    When his wife started getting suspicious last year I decided to get out of it, but my boss wouldn’t let me. He even threatened me and then begged, saying he’d just do anything. He’d follow me around even when I was working in another agency, just to be away from him. He’d kept saying we’ll just talk then he’d take me somewhere private.

    Then I got pregnant. This time he agreed not to see me because he was scared. I’m so angry. Even though it was my decision, I still feel abandoned, and I’m so terribly afraid of the outcome even though my husband doesn’t know about it. He was happy for another child but I’m eaten with guilt. I’d wake up suddenly at dawn then I just cry. I can’t even try to pray; it’s like I’m not worth hearing.

    • Hurt from South Africa says:

      God loves you. No matter what you’ve done. He’ll always remain a faithful, loving Father. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. There’s nothing you can do that can ever take His love away from you. Repent from your sins with a sincere heart and move forward. Unfortunately, you have to confess and tell your husband the truth. The lie will contaminate your spirit and take you further and further apart from God and your husband. Trust God my dear, that He can cause this situation to work out for your good.

      Go and get counseling from a godly person who will direct you in the way of the Lord. Praying for you.

  10. K.T. from United States says:

    I became involved in an affair without knowing it. My partner emphatically denied being married or in any kind of relationship, even after being asked repeatedly. Soon after we started being together intimately I became pregnant. He expressed his not wanting a baby, but also promised to be there for me whatever my decision may be. I, at first, considered abortion. I didn’t want my child to be born in this crazy and confusing situation. Here I am in my 40’s with a younger man in my life. He doesn’t want a child right now, so he’s unhappy about the pregnancy.

    I felt that bringing a baby into this situation would be the recipe for disaster. I set up the appointment, but couldn’t make myself go through with the abortion, so needless to say I had the baby.

    When he found out I chose to have the baby he disappeared, calling every so often to “check on me” and the pregnancy. He wouldn’t come around during the pregnancy because he didn’t want to become emotionally attached to the baby. He has fought against her existence from the very beginning. He came back around when she was four months. He came back pouring all his business, everything about himself on my lap –everything. I was able to find out anything I ever wanted to know about him, and his family for that matter, because of the information he gave me.

    He came full of apologies and asking to be in her life. He said he was committed to being in her life. He told me about the marriage and the kids he has with his wife. I was devastated. Since finding out I have never cried so much in life. I saw him trying. He really tried to be a part of her life, but that was short-lived when he realized he couldn’t spend any money or time on her without his wife knowing about it.

    For a while he did come see her. I didn’t make a big deal about the money because I was aware of the situation with the wife. I just wanted my daughter to have her dad in her life, so I let it go. As long as he was there with her, spending time and making memories—giving our daughter her dad, that was all that mattered to me. I know that sound naive and gullible, maybe even desperate; however, I grew up without my dad. I didn’t want my daughter to experience that feeling –wondering where dad could be and why he never thought enough of me to be in my life.

    That hurts at a whole new level–in a way that can’t be explained when you find out there are other children born to this same man. They came into existence the same way I did, but he was there for them. He loved them, played with them, helped care for them and encouraged them, but never thought to do those things for me. That really hurt. GOD, THAT HURT SO MUCH!!! I just didn’t want my child to experience that, yet I couldn’t protect her from it.

    Now he doesn’t spend any time with her. He said he couldn’t be her father because he didn’t want to sacrifice what he has worked so hard for over the past 15 years –marriage, family, “love” and stability.

    As the other woman I feel stupid for allowing myself to be in that situation. It hurts so much I wake up with tears in my eyes. I cry while I’m asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night pleading with God to take the pain away or just let us die. Some days it takes everything in me to function enough to get through the day. Sometimes I cry until I feel there’s nothing left in me. I feel hollow, empty, drained, unable to feel anything.

    • Anna from Canada says:

      Listen, like you, I’m the daughter who grew up without her father because he had to take care of his “real” family. He sent them overseas to study, made sure they were well taken off.

      Anyway, how did I get by while growing up? I took literally the whole “God’s our father”. I had no doubt whatsoever that Dad was my father and that was enough for me. My situation is akin to your daughter’s and let me tell you, she’ll be fine just like you’re. Children are very perceptive and if you seem to be a burden to your father because you happen to be a love child, you’ll know it.

      From my experience, I was way happier when my dad was out of my life, then when he popped up when I was 15 and could sense I was more a nuisance than anything else. We kept up the charade until I was 30, then I set him free. I’d rather not have my biological father in my life, than dealing with someone who makes me feel like a second-grade child. His real children, to him, will only be the ones conceived in the matrimonial bed.

      By the way, as per my mom, I’m alive because she refused to abort this time, like she did the 3 times before.

  11. Hurt from South Africa says:

    Me and my husband have been together 10 years married, 4 years this August. My husband has two children with me and 3 other children from 3 different women during our relationship and we’re still married. I know this might shock some of you to just think to yourself how did this woman stay with this man after all of that. I don’t know either, wish I knew why I didn’t walk away the first time, But I think I know why. It’s because I believed the good in him and not the bad. I’m just that kind of person that believes that God created us all good.

    Our journey through life results in all the bad we become. I’ve been through it all with my husband’s infidelity, pornography, drug and alcohol addiction, depression, attempted suicide, him being unemployed and Im only 29!!! How can I still love a person after he has hurt me so much? I can only thank God for leading me everyday. Even though I may look like a stupid to the few people who know my journey I don’t really care because this is my journey and I believe God placed me in his life for a reason. Some may call me crazy, but I don’t care as long as I know God would’ve never made me stay.

    It does hurt though, it hurts a lot. He cannot forgive himself for what he’s done to me. You see his father did the same to his mother and actually left his mother for one of the other ladies. He grew up angry and resented his father and ended up doing the exact same thing to him. His father abused him and took out all his frustrations on him. He witnessed his father bringing woman home when he was still young. He was in the car when his father used to drive to some of their houses but never told anyone, especially his mother, these things. I only found out these things when he was drunk and crying.

    So I understand his hurt. I understand that this was a curse that needed to be broken. And I’m grateful to God that we’re both saved now. But even though he’s saved, I can see that he still struggles with unforgiveness, not being able to fully forgive his father and also himself. And as a result it is robbing me of having the husband I know he can be and father to our children.

    On the other end the last lady he had a baby with is determined to break us apart. She sends me messages trying to bring doubt in my mind. She calls my husband swearing at him. It’s just very ugly. But God reminded me to pray for her because she clearly has a lot of hurt as well, and is very troubled. And I understand that this is a spiritual battle and that the enemy is just using her to discourage us both.

    Please pray for us. That my husband can forgive and figure out a way to build relationships with these children. For us to be able to explain to our kids who are still so young, what is going on. For God to heal all the pain for everybody involved.

  12. Jimirra from United States says:

    So hopefully this encourages someone because I’m reading a lot of hurting hearts. YOU WERE BORN TO BE AMAZING! Long story short… my husband got a woman pregnant from his past that we had been having problems with for some time. To add insult to injury she was pregnant with his first son, named him a Jr. and sent him to our home at a week old. As a woman I knew a mother would never just allow their child to visit the home of the father and his fiance’…she was rubbing it in if you ask me. She was rude and very nasty to me on several occasions, as if I were in the wrong.

    They hid the pregnancy for months. he proposed in May of 2013, he was forced to tell me about the pregnancy in June, and they had the baby in August. After the baby was born they carried on as if they had a family! I was never mean to the child though. It was hard. I cried, and cried, and cried… but he didn’t care about anything but seeing that little boy and she didn’t care about anything but being in my fiance’s life.

    We still got married in November of 2013, and I took as much as I could because I love him. By august of 2014 I was over it! I found an apartment, put down the deposit, and was preparing to silently exit… BUT I WAS PRAYING THE ENTIRE TIME MORE THAN EVER BEFORE! MARRIAGE IS NO JOKE! You have to be sincere in your vows but that also means for better or for worse….until death. I don’t believe in divorce so I was truly hurting to feel forced to leave my own husband because of the invasion of another woman.

    On September 7th she died in a horrible car accident!!! I won’t lie and say I liked her AT ALL, but I felt horrible because I believe all children NEED their bio mother and father! He was only 13 months at the time of her death. He’ll never know her, but we immediately took him in! He is a joy of a little boy that I believe will be an amazing man, especially knowing that love CAN BE UNCONDITIONAL! After her death I went through months of counseling that I still attend because hurt is hard. I was raised my my mother and step father and knew I was better off without my biological father… but I still love him and forgive him for not being there and doing things right.

    You can overcome the hurt of betrayal in the marriage, the embarrassment as the child born in scandal, the humiliation as the wife who’s been betrayed, the sibling of the child, etc. People don’t matter… YOU DO! Your health and sanity are what’s important. Go to counseling… by yourself… then go as a family to sort all of it out. It is even up to you to apply solutions in counseling, but for those of you who are not afraid to PRAY… PRAY that God give you guidance on how to deal and LIVE your LIFE without shame or embarrassment.

    I love my husband. I love my son… and I even take him to see her family every other weekend. I’ve suffered through anxiety, hypertension, etc. through all of this but I made it through it SUCH A BETTER PERSON AND WOMAN!!

    Wish nothing but good things to everyone… even your enemies and people who have hurt you and watch how the good things turn for you! Nothing horrible lasts forever… but you have to do something to make things change… even if it is nothing but prayer and counsel. God will workout the rest! Be encouraged! All of you are loved, are capable of loving, and deserve to have peace!!! Control what you can control, which is yourself and don’t be angry because it does nothing but hinder you and manifest in YOUR LIFE! I don’t know you all, but hope this encourages you even at the least.

    • Hurt from South Africa says:

      Thank you!

      • Kim from United States says:

        I shared my story with you guys a while back, and while reading everyone stories help I’m still having a hard time moving on. My husband and I have been together our whole lives. We grew up together on the same block and were best friends before we got together in our early teens. We’re now in our early 40’s. We have 3 kids and one grandbaby. We have never been apart and I love him with all my soul. He’s a good man and a great husband and father.

        We’ve both made mistakes in our past that have caused bumps in our relationship but we always got through them. But like I said before, he made a huge mistake that led to him having a child outside of our family. I forgave him because like I said, we were together since we were young. We were entitled to make mistakes. He was not a serial cheater; he has never done it before or since this incident and has proven to me over and over how sorry he is and that he’s a good man who made a horrible mistake.

        My problem is even though this has been 13 years ago I can’t let it go. It was easy to pretend this situation didn’t exist when the child was younger but now that he can reach out on his own it’s hard to avoid. Because I have my issues and his love for me, my husband has not really been there for this other child. It’s starting to cause a huge strain on our relationship because he’s not the type of person who doesn’t take care of his responsibilities. He’s a very hands on dad who puts his family first no matter what.

        Our kids have only seen him twice but I’ve never made my husband feel like he could bring him into our family. I start an argument even if he tries to do the littlest things I give him a hard time. I understand the whole kids are innocent thing and I don’t hate the child; he’s actually a sweet boy. I just hate the situation and can’t get the image of how he got here out of my mind and I don’t want the situation around me or in our family. I know this is selfish because my husband wants to do the right thing. I need help letting go because I really want to be supportive because I don’t want to lose my husband and my best friend because of this unfortunate situation.

        • Hurt from South Africa says:

          Yesterday was not a good day for me as well. Just like you I had thoughts about these children being a permanent reminder of my pain. And to add insult to injury one of the children’s mother is a nightmare. It’s like she has made a vow for us to never be happy. She is constantly phoning and sending mean messages, swearing, making up lies to put doubt in my mind against my husband, the list goes on and on.

          Not alot of people know about my husbands affairs and of his extra children, only close family and friends do. I am constantly living under this fear that one day this woman will show up and humiliate me infront of my family as she has made that threat before. She is a bully and out to destroy my marriage. Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up on everything. Like I can just go away and start afresh.

        • Tracy from United States says:

          Wow, I feel like we have the same story. Been with my husband since 16. He is 47 and I 45. Married in 1991 and have 2 daughters between us 22 (n August) and 18. Our first 6 – 7 years were a roller coaster. We both had affairs and finally realized we needed to get our acts together. Started going to church and REALLY focused on our family.

          We are SUPER involved with our daughters lives and our youngest will start college in the Fall. The oldest just graduated from college. Many years ago my husband’s other woman was pregnant and apparently it was between him and a friend of his as the father. He took a paternity test, but never saw the results from it as after speaking with an attorney he had no legal right. Our understanding is the other man was on the birth certificate and took responsibility and they ended up getting married. Later they divorced and apparently he remarried again. Seems his new wife wanted to SEE the paternity test results and it was discovered that man was NOT the father. That man despite believing that man was her father the majority of her life (14 years) completely cut the girl off.

          Finally last year the mother told her about my husband and he FINALLY saw the test results and he indeed is the father. Our girls have ABSOLUTELY no idea. Like your husband, he’s done everything for this family, hard working ad VERY responsible. It kills him that this girl is a complete stranger. I’ve asked him to wait til next year to tell our girls. Like I said it’s our youngest first year of college and she is going 1200 miles from home on an athletic scholarship.

          My husband has been involved with her and her sport for 11 years so this in itself is a HUGE transition for our family. Our daughter even thought about not going because she is so close with her dad and is already quite fearful of losing that daily support. He will be able to go to quite a few of the games, but again it will certainly be different than what they had done for some many years. I think he realizes telling our girls right now would really endanger the possibility of her changing her mind. She is 150% a dad’s girl. I was already worried about her going and the separation of them, this has heighten it to new levels.

          I find myself being so clinging to my younger daughter, which she just equates to her leaving for college soon. But I’m so stressed when the truth finally comes out. I did tell my husband I’d be willing to meet the child. Maybe secretly hoping this will buy some time to spare my girls. I would at least encourage you to allow your husband to spend some time with the child alone and outside of the home. My husband has taken this girl to lunch a few times and they text but that is about it. The reality is she is not much younger than my youngest daughter and unfortunately she plays the same sport so we have crossed circles with her and didn’t even know.

          With so much social media, the fact that your husband’s son knows about your kids he may at some point in the future try to reach out to them. For that reason, I have agreed to next year talk to our girls about it (want to get one year of college with a good start under her belt and then have the summer to love on her). I’m hoping this girl doesn’t try to reach out to them before. I think that would be horrible for them to find out other than from my husband and myself.

          Like you, I don’t see this girl being part of our family and the reality is our family dynamics have changed. Our older daughter is starting her new life 2 states away where she graduated from college and hopefully next year will be living in DC working for the government. We live in California. This girl will also be going to college somewhere, so I just don’t see it.

          I just THANK GOD everyday even before this was discovered, for this GREAT MAN I have that loves our girls so much, deeply and would give or do anything for them. I will pray for your family too and like I said do the baby step and please give your husband the ability to spend some time with this boy solo. I have faith in you sister, I know you can do that. :)

    • Jody from Jamaica says:

      I’m in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I got engaged last December and I just found out he’s having an affair and the girl is a few weeks pregnant. Most of my friends and family are telling me to leave since we don’t have kids together, but I love him. But the girl he got pregnant is getting rude. He goes out some evenings and I don’t see him until the next day. I don’t know what to do about this. Help!

  13. Ana from United States says:

    I’ve been married to my husband for just one month shy of a year, and we have been together for 7 years. Since I’ve known him, he said he wanted children. I told him no kids before marriage. Last year we finally got married. The sex has been lacking… to the point where we were married in May 2014, the last time was in June or July 2014, and he seems disinterested.

    I had an affair, and got pregnant in December of last year. I told him in March and he said he’ll divorce me; there’s no way he’ll raise someone else’s child. He got the papers from the court and signed up for his own apartment. We both agree –how ironic I tell him all along no kids before marriage… and I end up with a child from another man. But he was making no effort to get us there. I wish I had just talked with him.

    The father of the baby in me is unresponsive. All my family is out of state but I don’t want to move so I can have insurance. I’m also hoping for a change of heart from either man… I have to wonder sometimes… if this is God punishing me for having an affair and how to overcome this. I cry all the time and am embarrassed and heart broken of how I let my life take these turns. People tell me a baby is a gift from God no matter how it got there, and maybe my husband and I weren’t meant to be, as nothing would have been able to come between us. I don’t know, just in so much pain and worried all my crying will hurt the baby… praying for forgiveness.

  14. Emerald from United States says:

    I’ve been in my stepdaughters life for 5 years now. I realize a daddy/daughter bond is unique, but I can’t help feeling a little pain when she always chooses him over me. She was the result of an affair, and I surely haven’t handled this situation as gracefully as I could have —her mother was no help. However, I’ve always done so much for my SD and have always been concerned about her well-being.

    She doesn’t talk much but I noticed she plays really well with other children. It’s hard to show her affection when it always feels like she couldn’t care any less about being around me. She’ll run up to my parents and hug them when she sees them; she’ll do the same with other family members too, but rarely with me. I wonder if her mom puts things in her head for her to be confused about how she should treat me.

    I’ve been in her life since she was born so you’d think we would be closer. When she is over I’m the one who helps with baths, who brushes and styles her hair, who polishes her nails… I really do try. She used to even call me momma when she was smaller and now calls me by my name. The other day I was very surprised by her actions. Her and I were waiting on her dad so I tried talking to her, she wouldn’t respond and kept shrugging her shoulder but the moment her younger cousin hopped in the car, she leaned over and began to whisper secretively in her cousin’s ear.

    I know it may sound odd, but sometimes I get the feeling that she is fully aware of her behavior. I feel like she treats me differently on purpose, which furthers my suspicions about her mother. I don’t know, maybe it’s all in my head but it definitely hurts my feelings. I could understand if I was new in her life, but she has never known life any different. She’s always had a mommy and another mommy with daddy in our home.

    • Kim from United States says:

      Hi Emerald, I admire you for trying. Situations like this are never easy and will never be normal. There will always be somebody feeling some type of way no matter how hard you try. That’s why I choose not to deal with it and not bring the situation into my family. Even though the child my husband had outside is almost 13 and I never had any issue with his mom since he was born, I just can’t bring myself to deal with him because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love him like my own. I try to support my husband with however he wants to deal with him, but he understands that this child will never really be a part of our family.

      I admire you because you’re willing to try. Sometimes I wish I could. I do agree that it sounds like your stepdaughter may be behaving this way because of things she hears. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about whatever her mom is putting in her head. You can only continue being you. She’s lucky she has you in her life; you sound like a nice person.

      • Jennifer from United States says:

        I’m in a similar situation. At the time we were just dating. We were at least 3 years in with my now husband, when the baby’s mother told me she was pregnant. We were pregnant at the same time. Even after 8 years it stills hurt. When she comes over I treat her as my own, but she rarely even talks to me. I honestly feel that I should have left when I found out, but the love for him wouldn’t let me.

        Every time she comes over I get reminded of how he cheated on me. I have tried to forget and act ok, but again it’s hard… knowing he could cheat on me with her again still lingers in my mind. I HATE when she call or texts. I love him, but don’t think I could handle this situation at all… It HURTS!!! I feel that when mistresses get pregnant they hold that over your head, by being able to stay in your life.

        I pray everyone finds peace and a clear heart, because I know the struggle.

        • Ann Marie from United States says:

          Hi Jennifer, I know all too well your struggle! My husband had a son from an affair. His son is 14 and it doesn’t get easier. I find it to become more difficult with time. I also have 2 daughters with him.

          I’m hoping my daughters will have as normal of a childhood as I can give them with their dad. With that said I so feel your hurt and pain. My wish for you and anyone in this situation is to find some peace!

  15. Cierra from United States says:

    I am a product of an affair. My biological father lied to my mom, saying he was divorced at the time of my conception. I grew up never knowing him or my half-siblings. I am now an adult in my 30s and I have found some of my family. Only two of those relatives have accepted me and I thank God for that and for them.

    A truly loving relationship is happening with each of them; however, my father, his wife (who he cheated on at the time of my conception), an Aunt and my Grandma have all made it clear that they want nothing to do with me. I just found out two days ago that my Grandma lives in the same town as me. She has this whole time. I have her curly hair. She doesn’t even want to know me.

    I am so angry and hurt that my father’s sin has caused so much pain and damage, for so many. And I feel like I’ve been punished my entire life for his mistakes and still am. I sometimes try to imagine how it might feel to be in their shoes, but it still doesn’t excuse the way they are treating me..

    • Jennifer from United States says:

      So to hear that, it’s a tough situation to be in… I accepted my husband mistress child, but the mother made it hard for me to continue. It’s too much drama, which in fact leaves the child in pain. I hope that they’ll one day think about what they’re doing, to at least make an effort.

    • Dee from United States says:

      I can also relate to your story. I’m currently pregnant and biological father did nothing but tell lies on top of lies. It actually turns out that he is a pathological liar. He was not only lying to me, but to his wife and three teenage children. While his wife has decided to forgive him and take him back, she doesn’t realize the fantasy world he was and is still trying to create with me at the same time. I also found out that I was not the first or only person he was cheating on her with.

      Even after I ended things, he still won’t leave me alone and continues to reach out to me on a regular basis. One day he wants to sign his rights away and another day, he’s taking me to court and another day, he wants me to give him another chance. He’s an alcoholic and he and his wife call the cops on each other all the time! Their three kids suffer as they have to witness this on a regular basis! I don’t want my unborn child to be any part of their drama or toxic world that they continue to create!

      If your mom kept you from your biological father (and his family) then she might have done you a favor as she could have been acting in YOUR best interest. Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. No child should have to go through or witness this.

  16. D.P. from United States says:

    I am trying to overcome anger and self hatred. I am now thirty. I believe a lot of it spurs from how I was raised and the circumstance of my birth. My mother was married and had two daughters (my older siblings). When my sisters were 7 and 9, my mother and her husband took in a friend to help him out. During this time, my mother felt her marriage was not well and the friend also had a marriage that was not well.

    At some point they decided to fall in love and have a child (me). Soon after conceiving, my mother started a divorce process with my sisters’ father. All I know is it was messy between getting custody of my siblings and being pregnant and birthing me and finalizing a birth. My parents raised all of us as though we were all one family with my older sisters visiting every other weekend to their father.

    Now there has been LOTs of change in terms of my parents coming into realization of what they did was wrong and apologizing to us all and continually growing in Christ relationship for my parents. I was growing for a while and developing a trust and faith in Christ, but now I’m stuck and can’t get past the anger and self hatred. Any advice on what could help? Thanks

  17. Jo from Ireland says:

    I’m born as a result of an affair on my dad’s side. When he met my mother he never told her he was married. Sadly she got pregnant. He is still married to the same woman who has no idea I exist as he never told her. He wasn’t there for me growing up. I think my mother felt that was best but I eventually ended up meeting him when I was 13.

    I didn’t care about knowing my other side of my family because I had a dad now just like everyone else. Few years on and I just want this dirty secret out into the open. I want to meet my nanny, my sister, and my uncles. Why should I suffer? Can you imagine? They don’t even know I exist.

    I’m very fond of writing and am going to pursue a career in journalism through social media. I found out that my cousin is also fond of writing. I would love to get tips from him. Sadly, he doesn’t know I exist. I’ve cried a hundred times but my mother only says the result of this secret may even be that his side won’t want anything to do with me because of his adultery. I’m heart broken and am going to burst eventually. What do you think I should do?

  18. MML from United States says:

    My father cheated on my mother my whole childhood with a woman he met at work. I have two younger siblings who have gone through this journey with me. My father has been drained from paying child support. He makes over $100K a year and can barely afford to send me money at college or provide food on the table. The children from the affair ages 10 & 13 have recently come into his life, because he has to see them, so he can afford to pay his bills.

    I am in such neglect of these children, I refuse to be anywhere near them. I feel like being around them is a slap in my face and my mother’s. My parents are now divorced after my mom found out about the second child 5 years ago. I feel comfort and peace being on the site to know other children that were not from the affair. AKA the ones who get hurt the most. I have read stories about how children from the affair are more damaged, but let me tell you how it feels to think your father is not good enough for you and your family that he has to go start another family with someone else.

    I will never be a part of those children’s lives, because that would mean I have put my guard down to the mistress. WOMEN- lets start being strong women and STOP sleeping with other women’s husbands and families. As a child from a father who had an affair on her mother, I am broken. This has easily been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I am always so embarrassed to tell anyone or even think about it in my head. I have asked God to make from this world so many times all because my father and his mistress couldn’t keep their hands off each other. THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN AND THE OTHER FAMILIES INVOLVED.

  19. Kevin from United States says:

    I am a father of 4 beautiful children with my wife. As a result of an affair I am no longer having, I also have another child. My wife and I are co-habitating right now. My 4 children know nothing, nor do any members of our extended family. This is especially difficult for my wife as she feels that this secret is consuming her. The biggest question is about telling our children ages 8, 11 and 13.

    • Mike from Canada says:

      Hey Kevin, I’m in a similar situation and am going through a few things, and am curious how you’re dealing with them. I had an affair, as well, that resulted in a child. Rather than own it, I decided to keep it a secret and continue the affair over a total of almost 5 years. My wife and I are co-habitating, as well, and have a 7 year old son. The child through the affair is a 3 year old girl.

      I’ve been seeing the child since she was born and we continued the affair until recently. I’m paying support and the mother has moved on, rather quickly I might add. My question is, will you/have you been seeing the child still? I recently decided to not visit the child anymore as I feel it will bring more confusion into the situation, especially with the mother moving on.

      I do want to meet her again in life and will be sending her cards/gifts on special occasions so she knows I exist and that I do love and care for her. I feel guilty about doing this but also feel it will be the best for her in the long run and was curious as to how others have dealt with this in their situations…

      • TruthWorks from United States says:

        My husband had the affair and that child we raise with shared custody -is a pre-teen now. We’ve weathered this many years now. It’s always difficult but here is what you can do to ease your wife’s pain-stop making a fool of her and tell her the truth. I recommend severing ties with mother and child. If you do stay in contact with or share custody of the child with the outsider to the marriage set up court ordered dna first. It may be a non-issue as many affair partners have multiple partners themselves. To set up this dna you and your wife should request it through an attorney together with no contact with the outsider to the marriage.

        If you are proven to be the father have custody papers drawn saying their will be no phone contact unless child is in hospital dying-not outsider’s uncle bob-child only-not for 2 stitches or a cold but only if dying. Communicate only through text or email so their is legal proof of her craziness because when you do the right thing by the wife you love the outsider will get crazy-which is her problem and helps you and your wife with custody. Resist the temptation of believing the outsider is crazy in love with you -the outsider is just mad she got shafted and will destroy your wife because you made the right choice and picked your wife.

        Pick up from school even if you must put them in pre-school to avoid any contact and let your wife only pick child up. Teach the child your wife is to be called mom as well and is the most important female in your life and that you committed a huge sin against the Lord, yourself, and your wife but are very sorry and will not allow your wife to be treated with anything less than the place the Lord gave her as 1st in your life when God gave you the gift of your wife. Never attend sports/activities on outsider’s custody days or if you suspect that outsider will go.

        Doing all of this will not stop the pain but will minimize future pain and gives your a plan of how to save your marriage and be in your child’s life. Always your marriage is priority-God 1st then your wife. Never go to outsider’s house for child exchange -always have your wife pickup/exchange not you, and if school’s out have your wife meet her in a safe open public place like police department because the outsider will most likely be full of vengeance and hatred for your decision to save your soul and marriage and follow God not Satan. Satan gets crazy when he thinks he’s losing sinners.

  20. Ann from United States says:

    I met my future husband in 1996. We began dating and got engaged in 2000, planned on a July 2004 wedding. I found out during our engagement that my then fiancé had produced two baby girls by two different women. One was born in July 2001 and the other baby was born Nov 2002. I was hurt and devastated when he told me in 2003 that he had to take a DNA and both came back positive. Needless to say, I was so hurt & devestated by his infidelity that I called off our weeding.

    After a separation and as time went by we got back together and continued with the initial planing of our wedding that took place as planned. My husband has been paying child support ever since he was reported by the bio mothers. Due to different issues between us we separated for 5 years (I moved out the house in 2008).

    Fast forward, 2013 we reconciled and bought a house in Jan 2014. Been to counseling and we’re doing alright now. My husband is not really in either child’s life at this time. Baby #1 bio mom is a drug addict and she never had custody of the child. This child has been shifted from one relative to the next. Currently she lives in another city about 1 hr away with her aunt through marriage that has a daughter the same age as her. According to the aunt and daughter the arrangement is not working out very well. There is major fighting and bickering between the two girls (14 yr old) and my hysband’s daughter does not get along with her guardian/aunt very well.

    The aunt calls and complains about her behavior once a week or so. There may be some favoritism in the household, which is not good. The aunt asked my husband if his daughter can stay with us for a “few weeks” and she’ll be sending her daughter off to visit with her dad for a couple of weeks because she needs a mental break.

    I have mixed feelings about this for numerous reasons. My son & daughter are both grown (ages 26 & 29, I’m a grandmother now). My husband works swing/split shifts and is rarely home, and when he is home he’s dead tired and just sleeps. His only day off is Sunday. I work fulltime, however, over half the time out the week I work from home. I don’t keep my own grandchildren past the weekend. I stress out and have anxiety issues due to menopause.

    His daughter’s birthday is today and I agreed that I’ll go with him to visit her for the day on Saturday but she has probably been told that she’s coming back home with us. Please help me!!!

  21. Sarah from United States says:

    I’ve been with the father of my 4 boys since 2004, just turned 17, he was 22. By the time I was 18 I had our first child 08/05, 6/06 our second child and 11/08 we had twins. The first 4 years 2004-08 were on and off between us, alot of problems, arguments, disagreements etc. To make a long story short in 2011 we broke up and didn’t want to continue being a family. A year later we got back together and tried again. What I didnt know in that time is he messed around with some young chick he didnt even know and she ends up pregnant. When he moved back in he didn’t tell me about it because I guess the girl told him time didn’t add up for it to be his.

    So A year later we were going through hard times again on the verge of a break up, I looked in his fb account and saw messages back and forth from him and this girl claiming he’s the father of her 2 year old son. This is a little off subject but she named her son Jayden KNOWING our first born sons name is Jayden as well!!! Who does that?!?!?! So once I see that I’m literally crushed! I’ve always told myself if he ever had kids with someone else that was my sign from GOD to let it go. And we split up for a little bit again. A few months pass and we’re back living together. They end up getting a dna test through the state and he’s the father!!!!! We are currently together and our relationship has been better than ever excluding the stress pain and hurt feelings this situation has brought.

    The thing I’m struggling with is, I didn’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this, him being a father to someone elses kid, him having to have a relationship in some type of way with another woman…man I don’t know if I can overcome my selfish feelings. I’m scared because this is the only man I’ve ever loved, my first and only relationship and the father of my 4 boys but I don’t know if I can handle this other situation. I know it’s not the babies fault. And on the other hand I also know it’s not right to stand in the way of him being a father to his son.

    I don’t know what to do; I feel like this whole thing is breaking me down mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually!! I feel like im losing faith! I want to keep my family together for my boys but do I do that at the expense of my own happiness? But then again he does make me happy too. He technically didn’t cheat on me because we were broken up! I just don’t know if I can do any of this anymore!! Any advice is appreciated and sorry for this extremely long post!

  22. Kim from United States says:

    Hi Sarah, I absolutely understand how you feel. I have shared my feelings on this site twice in the last few months. I’ve been with my husband my whole life. We both made mistakes but we’ve never ever been apart. His one mistake resulted in him having a son outside of our relationship. This mistake doesn’t define him in any way because he’s a good man, despite it. He’s always been a great dad and husband and he always puts his family first. That is why I forgave him and I stayed because the good definitely outweighed the bad.

    However, with all that being said I will not accept this child. He is not a part of our family and I doubt he ever will be. He’s now 13 years old. I feel bad for putting my husband in a position where he has to choose but it’s what it is. I can’t bring myself to support him with this. I feel like this, the mother knew exactly what the situation was, she chose to bring a child into this world knowing it would not have the type of dad all kids deserve so now she has to be mommy and daddy to this child.

    Yes, I understand that kids are innocent and don’t ask to be born but why do I now have to be the bigger person and care when it was all well and good when you were doing me wrong? Like I said, it sucks that my husband has to choose because he is a good guy and I know that he feels bad that he’s not really in this child’s life but he has chosen his family.

    I know I may come off as bitter and harsh but I can’t help how I feel. I’m not forcing him to make this decision; he made it because he loves me. My advice to you is if you feel like your husband is worth it fight for your relationship. This other woman sounds like a hot mess. It’s a shame that the kid is in a bad situation but remember you didn’t cause it. I used to wonder if I was a bad person for feeling this way but I’ve read almost all of the stories on here and I see my feelings are perfectly normal.

  23. Sara from United States says:

    So, I’m only 22 years old, and my fiancé is 24. We’ve been together just past 4 years. Since we met it has been a crazy roller coaster! He has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship. When I met him I was pregnant at the time but didn’t know it yet, and when I found out he stuck by my side throughout the pregnancy and has been there for my daughter ever since who is now 3years old. Throughout those years he has had MANY infidelity issues and has been with multiple women. So there is already a history of hurt and betrayal.Despite all the hurt from that we were madly in love with each other. We were living together throughout his infidelities, and around last year his sister in law (who’s my best friend) had told me she heard rumors he got his son’s mother pregnant again..mind you we were together at the time. So I confronted him about it and he totally denied it so I left it alone.

    Then a few months went by and she told me again being 100% positive with proof she was, so I confronted him and he was honest about it. I immediately left the house and didn’t talk to him for about a month. When I was ready, I came back yet while I was gone he was playing house with her while coming to the place I was staying at begging and crying for me to come back home. So you can imagine my shock when I find that out. I left again and eventually came back. We never discussed what happened, why it happened, how it happened, why he did it, never.. Not even to this day! We act like it never happened.

    Time went on, the baby was born, he was never there for the birth; never there for the child really in the first year of her life. As much as I know it was wrong I expressed on several occasions if he wanted to be in this child’s life that I wasn’t going to be with him and would walk away and never look back. It hurts so much just to know he not only cheated but went as far as got her pregnant, that there is NO WAY I could ever face this child and bare the pain and hurt that would bring me. To me, our family was us and his son and my daughter. That’s how it has been for 4 years.

    At the same time I couldn’t imagine having to explain to my 3 year old this new child already 1, all of sudden coming into the family and being her step sister, let alone the confusion that would bring to her. I actually met her with my fiancé and the mother of the child to see if I could be comfortable so she could come to our house for visits and I couldn’t even stay for more than 5 minutes and I just cried the whole rest of the day. And because of his love for me he was not involved.

    This last December we found I was pregnant and in March of this year, after we had bee attending church faithfully and getting closer with God he had expressed to me he was hurting from not being in her life, and basically was now giving me an ultimatum that he was gonna bring her around whether I liked it or not. This angered me and filled me with rage. I chose to leave he house and call off our engagement. Our daughter was born in August and I’m raising her and my daughter in a separate home from my fiancé. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, there’s no one I’d rather be with and he is the love of my life.

    As much as I’ve prayed, we’ve even done a little counseling, yet nothing can take away the hurt and anger that fills me up. I have so much hate and resentment towards him for that. I cannot bring myself to accept the child or the situation. I feel humiliated, embarrassed, and as a woman feel as though I’mm belittling myself if I accept what has happened. I feel as a mother to 2 girls, I wouldn’t be showing them the example of what a man needs to be in your life.

    My father is a pastor and I was raised in church my whole life so I know I’m wrong for keeping him away. I know God can do anything but I feel as though what’s best for me is I need to walk away from the situation and move on and just be the woman of God and mother I need to be for my children. Yet at the same time I feel like I’m giving up on my family, my love, and giving my girls a home with two parents. I’m at a crossroads. Any verses, similar stories, advice would help. And I ask that you just keep me and my family in your prayers. Thank you for reading this. This site has gave me a lot of insight and help.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Sara, It’s difficult to even know what to write to you. Part of me wants to hug you, and another part of me wants to shake you. I need to address the “elephant in the room” before I say anything more. But as the daughter of a pastor, did you NOT know that having sex with someone who isn’t your husband, and living with him is sin? I don’t know how to say it any other way. I don’t want to throw stones at you –especially when you’re in pain already. But I know I have to address this issue. If you claim to be a follower of Christ, then you are my sister and I need to talk straight to you as an older sister would/should do. Sisters should protect each other from further harm.

      If you are not married to this guy, then you have no real “rights” to establish a home with him. Think about it, what are you teaching your children by living with this guy –not being married to him? Just because your heart is drawn to this guy, it doesn’t mean that you can do anything you want to with him. Planning to marry, and playing marriage, in the meantime, isn’t something you are to do. You HAVE to know that. There… I said it… now you need to pray about it. There ARE limits that God establishes to protect you (and your children) from this type of situation. And when and IF you marry, you need to marry someone who has good morals, and good character –for your sake and for the sake of your children.

      I truly do sympathize with you. You sound like a really nice gal. But you haven’t been guarding your heart (or your body), and as a result, you are in a horrible situation. Even if you both DID marry when you first were tempted to live together, I’m not saying that he wouldn’t have gone out and cheated on you. Sadly, tragically, some spouses will do that to the other. It should never be. But when you aren’t even married… all the more this type of thing can happen. The ties you’ve had going on between you were shaky… and not sacred.

      As far as what you can do about this… I’m not sure. Personally (and it may seem easier for me to say this because I’m not in love with the guy… I’m not even liking him much, at this point), I would be afraid to marry him (if he still wanted to) because of the cheating nature that he has revealed. I wouldn’t want to keep exposing my heart to that, nor would I want it for my children –it’s toxic to be raised in a household where unfaithfulness is lived out and continues. You can still be the “woman of God and mother” you “need to be” for your children. I encourage you to do so. I pray God will give you the strength.

      But as far as continuing to live with or marrying this guy… I caution you. Living with him again, is not good in any way, but marrying him doesn’t seem to be good either. This daughter that he was responsible for bringing into this world, will be in his life –one way or another, both physically and/or emotionally. When you have a child together with someone –that’s what happens. And his cheating ways CAN come up again. You have to know that. You would be taking a gamble.

      You may be “giving up” on your “family, love,” and on giving your “girls a home with two parents,” but what kind of home life would you truly be giving them –a home filled with anger, resentment, and strife? I’m not sure I’d want to volunteer for that one. I AM praying for you. My heart sympathizes with you greatly, and goes out to your girls too. I just hope that you will prayerfully consider the WHOLE picture here –not just your emotions over the split. Sometimes a split (especially when you aren’t married yet) is better than the alternative. Prayerfully consider: what do you think Jesus would have you do?

      • Sara from United States says:

        Thanks for replying! And no offense taken. I’ve heard that many times before. Although I was raised in church, the daughter of a pastor. I’m far from perfect and going through that time was far, far away from God and not allowing him to be in my life. That’s not the case now. I’m just fully seeking and trusting God. I’ve just allowed myself to have time to myself, to not really be in contact with him unless it is about the baby because as you addressed before (which my father has told me many times) a man is not going to act as though you’re his wife, or respect you in that manner when you’re just giving yourself to him without that commitment and expectation.

        So with that, and just the situation as a whole, I know it’s best for me to just be the best parents we can to our daughter and pursue nothing more then that, because that isn’t the home and environment I want to be in, but more importantly my children. So please continue to pray that God guides me and it be His will and not mine.

  24. Janet from United States says:

    I have been with my husband since we were 14&15. We have two boys together a 8yr old & 6yr old. We are still very young. My husband is a great father to our children. I worked a job that required me to work many long hours. My husband got on drugs badly & still was a great father but was very jealous & angry of all the hours I worked because it took so much time away from our family. He wanted me to stop working and I refused.

    One day his anger took over him & he attacked me. I ran away scared from him & all our problems. He went to jail for 6 months. I never stopped loving him but when he went to jail I slept with another man (My boss) and became pregnant. When my husband got out a month later we worked on things & fell inlove again. He talks to my belly and is very happy & connected to him. He still gets angry about the fact that he can’t be there. This other man has sued me & my huaband so that he could get 50/50 custody. My husband wants to be there for me but now that the other man is a part of our life I can see the jealousy build up. I feel so guilty for what I did. I should have stayed to help my husband with his addiction.

    I do not regret my child; I do regret his father. I find myslef crying often because when it comes time to deliver, which is any day, my husband cannot be there to support me. This other man knows of my husband’ abuse & does not want him around his child. He has not been here for me through any of my pregnancy, my husband has. I love my husband so much & I dont want to lose him again. Our children are so happy that we are all back together. I’m not sure what I can do – I just keep having faith in God that he will help me hold my family together.

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