When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND
Photo credit: Aurimas Adomavicius / Foter / CC BY-ND

What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:


Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:


To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:


And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast, where Bob and talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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or you want to share requests for prayer,
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386 responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

  1. My son in law had an emotional affair, which he lied about for months and months then confessed it was physical but swears there was no sex. The girl is pregnant and hid the pregnancy for several months but claims the baby is her husbands. The 2 of them have lied so much for so long who knows what to believe. They would send each other naked pictures of each other and talked about wanting to have sex. Biblically we know this is an affair. My daughter has tried so hard to work it out but when she is not around I see my son in law looking at other women. She is so young and could start a whole new life but she still has a sliver of hope. What should I encourage? My son in law has done nothing to get help.

  2. I am the product of an affair. My dad made a mistake he regretted terribly. When my bio mom found out she was pregnant she considered abortion but my dad and mom (his cheated on wife) told her they wanted me. She selflessly gave me up and I was raised in a loving and accepting home with brothers and sister already grown up. Never met bio mom, don’t really need to. My problem is that I am embarrassed to tell my fiancé though I know I must. He has some very conservative older relatives. His parents would be ok with it, I’m sure.

    1. Kelly, You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If God didn’t want you to be born, you would never have taken a breath. Despite your parent’s sin, God has a plan for you –to love you and include you in His Kingdom work. Please Kelly, tell your fiancé. If he doesn’t support and show love to you 100% through this revelation, then he’s wouldn’t be a good partner for life. Sometimes life hands us circumstances we don’t like or would pick, if we had a choice. But we aren’t always given choices in every aspect of our lives. If marriage partners can’t support one another through those types of times, then they shouldn’t consider marrying. They would be a weak team. And if his relatives –conservative, or not, have a problem with your background, then THEY have a problem –not you or your fiancé. Don’t allow that to stop you from holding up your head. God loves you and so should they. If they don’t, shame on them.

      After finding out about you being conceived, both your moms were selfless. That’s something that should inspire you to feel very blessed and cause you to live up to the opportunity to prove that their selflessness was not given in vain. Keep your head up, don’t keep secrets, and pray that your fiancé will be supportive of you as he should be. I pray the best for you.

  3. I have been with my husband since I was 18-for 22 years. He also is 11 years older then me. All throughout our marriage he has cheated and has shown remorse but always does it again. I found out some years ago he had a steady mistress he was seeing.

    I talked to the girl and explained our situation. I thought the relatonship was over and I find out she had a baby by my husband. Of course he denies the baby is his but did sign the birth certificate. When I found out the mistress tells me she will take my husband from me. It’s been two years and since then my husband has went to work and come straight home. There has been no hiding of cell phone. Things seemed to be ok until I got an instagram picture of a recent picture of her and my husband together kissing thatshe sent me.

    My husband says he was set up by his sister and his mistress and he apologized profusely. I don’t trust him whatsoever, and haven’t for many years. We have six kids together and I’m not going to lie, I love him. He’s the only man I have ever loved… who is walking all over me and making a fool of me.

  4. I’m a 34-year-old male who discovered twelve years ago that my mother very likely indulged in an extramarital affair with another man when my sisters and I were children. The probable realization was painful. Because it was in the past and I wasn’t 100% certain the affair had actually occurred, I put it out of my mind. Late last year, I unwittingly discovered further proof and much to my horror, have realized that my youngest sister, very possibly, was the result of that affair.

    I never disclosed my suspicions to anybody. But now, I honestly don’t know what to do. Realizing my youngest sister may actually be my half-sister changes everything.

  5. I cheated on my fiancé with a man from work after being together for 6 years. I got pregnant. Both men knew. Both were willing to be dad if the baby was theirs. When I was five months along the other guy left work and I didn’t hear from him. I continued to be with my fiancé who did accept the baby after he was born.

    I was emotionally drained. There was no DNA test done at that point on my son because the other guy left and I didn’t hear from him again until the baby was about 3 months old. He came in asking and I told him he was my fiancé’s baby. My baby resembled me completely. But as he got older I started seeing the other guy. On my sons first birthday about 6 months ago I saw the other guy in my son’s features. So I bought a DNA test.

    Me and my fiancé have talked about this recently and both think he has the right to know as well as our child does. This has been eating at me. And it hasn’t been easy. My fiancé swabbed his cheeks but has been angry since. He didn’t want me to send the test out. But he says it is my choice. I sent the test out earlier this week and the waiting is insane. I’m about 99.9 percent sure my son is this other mans.

    I wish I had thought things through better earlier on. My fear is that my son’s biological father won’t want anything to do with him, which I understand is his choice, but this whole thing is just a mess. I have felt comfort here reading others stories. I understand the emotional draining others have gone through and find comfort that I am not alone.

  6. I’ve been with my husband since I was 15 yrs old. We’ve been together for 22 yrs. Early January of 2014 my husband confessed on having an affair with our 8 yr old best friend’s mother. Since then my husband left his home and family, which lasted a couple of months. In the mean time I was still fighting for our marriage. Result of this I found out that I’m pregnant.

    The whole time the lady has created fake Facebook pages, and has called me numerous times. I had to delete my facebook page and change my phone number numerous times. It doesn’t help that this lady lives 4 blocks away our home. She’s always driving by our home and if she sees me, she waves hi to me.

    Since I found out we’re having a baby he came back home. On Christmas eve this lady posted pictures on Facebook showing that she is also pregnant and she posted that it’s from my husband. Since then my husband is still at home. However this lady always updates her post to notify me that she is still seeing my husband. And it’s so obvious that she nails it. It never fails she does this when my husband is out by himself.

    What do I do? I’m so torn by this and get very depressed and feel hopeless. I believe in my heart that he still sees or calls her. I’ve seen calls on his call log to her. Honestly I love this man with all my heart to know that he did this to our family. Our 3 children are aware of the affair but they’re not aware that she’s having a baby, as well.

    1. Lety, my heart goes out for you. Mainly because you are going through my exact horror. It hurts! I was with my husband for over 10 years when I found out about the affair. Pregnant, broken and confused. Before I gave birth I learned she was also pregnant. He moved back home with us (3 kids) and has ended things with the other woman after a very long time and a lot of fights between him, myself and the other woman. It has been the worst experience of my life.

      What I can tell you my sister is, if you love him and feel you want to stay married, start asking yourself if you will be able to live with the thought of the other child, because he/she will be part of your life forever. It might take time but things between you and your husband will settle down. The affair WILL END; it always does at some point although it is never as soon as you would like. But things will never be the same again in your marriage. You are still going to hate your husband for what he did to your family and will have to learn to love him again.

      For now, try to take care of yourself and your kids. Try to keep sane through it all. Strengthen your relationship with God. Put all your trust in him and let him fight this one for you; that way you are guaranteed victory. Remember, what God has joined together, let no man put asunder! The mistress is not above God or your union. Let God deal with her. Block every contact with her to avoid continuous hurting. I will keep you in my prayers. Love, VP. South Africa

      1. What if this is my story and I plan on taking this advice but am not sure if my husband is still being unfaithful with the child’s mother from the affair? Do I just rely on God?

      2. Dear Priscilla, thank you for your response. It has helped me because I too found out that my husband of ten years had cheated on me and had a two year old child. I am still bitter; I dont know if God’s grace can sustain me through a draining event as this and I am still debating on leaving. We have specific curtural practices in an event such as this and all were disregarded (When a woman accuses a married man of beign a father to her child – the man’s (husband’s) family takes the matter the woman (wife’s) family to ask them what should happen and then the wife will dictate what she wants and this is then taken to the other woman’s family. To cut a long story short, I found out that my husband’s father and elder brother knew about this child when it was born and they never told me. I feel like they don’t care about me either and have not accepted me as a child worthy of their family. Please pray for me.

  7. My husband and I have been together since we were 14 and 15. We’re now 40 and 41 -26 years. 13 years ago he had an affair with a mutual friend which resulted in a son. We have three kids of our own. I hate telling this story because I really don’t want him looked at as a bad guy. We were young and he made a mistake and has proven time and time again that he is truly sorry. He’s not a serial cheater; there has not been an issue before or since this incident. He’s a great dad who loves his children, works hard, and takes care of his family.

    My problem is I can’t let go of the anger, no matter how hard I try it is always there and it has stunted my growth. My anger has prevented him from being there for this child, because I can’t handle this unfortunate situation. He has sacrificed a relationship with his child to keep me happy. But as this child gets older I know it bothers him deeply; but no matter how much I love him (and I do with all my heart) my anger won’t let me support him with this and by not doing that I know that I am punishing the child because he’s missing out on a great dad; and I’m punishing him because I’m preventing him from being the good man that he is, and I’m also preventing our kids from having a relationship with their little brother. And I’m scared that one day they’re all going to blame me. With all that being said the anger in me won’t let me change how I feel. I’m asking for advice on how to let my anger go; I have held onto it long enough. Thanks to those who took the time to read this. I’m tired of being angry

    1. Hello Kim, I’m going through a similar situation that you are. I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but I also struggle with anger towards my so called friend because I know true friends would never do one another like this.

      But I can say what has honestly helped me is going back to church. I’m starting to come to a conclusion that it’s not the child’s fault and that I must now set boundaries and things are done on my conditions. One thing I’ve learned is that Healing is under the authority of the believer. We must trust in God and give it all to him. He will guide us and lay peace on our hearts. We have not fully forgiven the entire situation if we cannot deal with all aspects of what happened including the kid. And we have to forgive in order to move forward with our lives. I really hope this helps you. It’s a battle for me everyday to get through this and reading this website and others stories has helped me sooo much!

    2. Kim, God bless you, I feel your anger. Forgiveness is absolutely necessary for God will forgive as we do, but keep in mind that there is a guy on the other side of this that’s in your same position. He is raising this child as his! If y’all decide to be a part of this child’s life consider the other man please! The law is on your husband’s side but his forcing involvement turns the other family upside down. For him to have want you say means forcing y’alls will on the other family and the “dad” in the other fily gets his role stolen, and if he was around during the affair he already had the purity of his marriage taken away. Yes forgive, but don’t force!

      1. Hey I just found out my fiancé got another girl pregnant I’m so mad I want to leave him but it’s like I can’t. This is so humiliating I don’t know if Ill be able to handle it when the baby is born. How is it being a step mom ?

      1. I’m going thru the same situation. It’s so hard, but I want nothing to do with the child. We have 2 other children of our own, and his son cries for his mom when it’s our weekend to have him and I hate it, cause it’s a constant reminder that he is not my son. My husband and I argue a lot when it’s our weekend to have him. I wish he would give him up and not see him anymore. The kid doesn’t want to be with us, just his mom, so why not let him have what he wants?

        He is only 5 and is already telling us he hates being with us, and wishes his mom was with my husband. We haven’t told him he was born out of an affair, not sure they ever will tell him. I hate the situation I’m in, but I love my husband to death. HelP!!!

        1. I just found out my husband that I’ve been with since I was 15 and him 22 now almost 13 yrs later has a 5 yr old child with my own cousin, who has always been more like a sister. He has been paying child support outside of court for the last 5+ years. They have both known via home DNA test since she was about 4 weeks. My husband thought that since it was a home DNA that it wasn’t true, and paid more or less to keep the secret of the affair hidden.

          My cousin always blamed his best friend for impregnating her and leaving the child fatherless. She had slept with my husband, the best friend, and the best friends brother in about a window of one week. Me and my husband had 2 children, our youngest being only 3 months when her daughter was conceived. I became pregnant 2 months after her so we were pregnant together and I was there when her daughter was born and vise versa.

          My cousin in the beginning had hopes of being with my husband, but I think she realizes that’s not even an option by now (me and my husband have 5 children now and he isn’t interested in being with her) but that doesn’t mean she has resolved all of those feeling within herself. My cousin turned him in for child support, so his name is on the bc now and she will know he’s her father so he decided he wanted to step up and be there for her as her father. My cousin has always suffered from addiction and the child has led a less than ideal life for years and can really benefit from his involvement, plus our children know and love each other.

          Since the truth came out about 4 months ago my cousin cut off all contact (except when I took the child school clothes shopping). She continued to text my husband while at work and call privately. She doesn’t talk to me; she wants to do “what’s best for her child” and has been extremely difficult to work with and makes being in her life all but impossible as she acts like the child coming to our home (when she used to drop her off anytime, she’s always had no problem coming with me or my husband as she has always know us). She acts like now it is going to be detrimental for her to come here and even our lawyer feels her actions are more of a power play on her part.

          My point in explaining all this is this; I’ve chosen to forgive him and accept his child. That is what I must do. Even so, my cousin does her best to make it as difficult as possible. She wants visits to be with just her and him and the child and “work up to” her coming here to our home. In reality I’m sure the child would feel more secure with me there and with my kids she knows and loves around, but we are trying to ignore her control issues and agree until an actual court order is in place and she’s no longer in control, at least not to the effect where she’s using the child to control the situation.

          The point being, is that if you choose to forgive you must truly forgive. If you choose to accept the child truly accept. You say the child cries for the mother. Do you comfort him at this point? Wouldn’t you comfort any crying or visibly upset child? If you are not or you’re distancing yourself from the child I’m sure the child feels this. You need to make sure your capable of loving the child without any prejudice. Don’t make the child pay for his mothers sins. Children are very smart and they can sense how you feel towards them.

          I for one know once my cousin’s child actually starts coming to our home she will feel fine as I am able put my feeling for her mother, solely on her mother, or I wouldn’t allow her in my home and I’d make my hubby leave to see her. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I just refuse to let what they did have that type of control over me. I refuse to let it consume me or make me someone I am not, because I am an amazing selfless and loving person who has always been capable of forgiveness.

    3. As a child born out of an extramarital affair and who hated both of her parents because she had to bear the stigma of her parents’ actions, I’ll say: “Ask God to help you see the whole situation with HIS eyes and to give you the strength to forgive your husband because you haven’t really.” Honestly, I commend you for staying with your husband. My dad’s wife did too and my mother, the other woman, still acts as if she was “abandoned” by her husband.

      I’m 37 and have had no relationship with my dad since 2008. I haven’t seen him since 2003. My parents’ affair ended when I was 3, in a very acrimonious way with my dad doing his best to ruin my mom’s career. The next time I met my dad, I was 15. I didn’t even know how to call him. Since he’s a very well-known person, I grew up with people either calling me a bastard when they thought I couldn’t hear or asking me if his other children were my siblings. To this day, I have never met any of them but sometimes, I google them and save their pictures. I try to see if there’s any resemblance.

      I still bear the shame of the circumstances of my conception, which is absolutely unfair. I truly believe that if I, at least, had a relationship with my dad while growing up, I wouldn’t feel so ashamed. In my situation, it was my mom who was against me seeing my dad; then he didn’t make that much effort, because he didn’t want/need the headache.

      Anyway, as per my mom and I believe her since it’s an open secret that my dad used to have mistresses, I’m not his only love child. My point: please, do not punish a child who hasn’t asked to be born, especially under such circumstances. He’s a much a victim as you are.

      1. Anna, thank you for sharing your experience. I came here looking for answers and perspective. My husband and I separated 3 years ago after he began an affair. I did not want the relationship to end, but needed to separate because of his actions. I had hoped he would end it and want to work things out. He is now dating someone else and just told me she is pregnant with his child. I am devastated because we haven’t yet divorced, and deep in my heart I held a candle for the possibility of reconciling.

        I am very crushed, worried about the effect on our 2 children from our 10 year marriage, who are 4 and 5 years old. They haven’t even come to full terms with the separation, and sometimes ask why mom and dad can’t live together again. I am also not sure how to feel about this new child, and my initial thought is not wanting the child to have anything to do with my children. At the same time, I realize that because my husband has access to our children, I cannot control that. I worry about my children feeling replaced, or resenting this child.

        Reading your comment reminds me it is not the child’s fault, he/she did not choose this. I just need help figuring out how to deal with the feelings of betrayal, and how to accept this news.

        The other woman wants to meet me, and I’m not sure how I feel about that either. I feel very strange about meeting her, knowing she is sleeping with my husband, and carrying his child. I spoke to her briefly on the phone, and she seems nice. I’m not sure what he told her to have her accept him, knowing he is not yet divorced.

        It is no longer a matter of reconciliation with my husband, he is not asking for that, and I don’t want it either, now that he has fathered another child. It’s more about how to deal with the existence of this new child, and this other woman.

        1. Dear Jemma, I guess God brought me today to this page AGAIN. This is a pure coincidence since I was googling about the feelings of children born out of wedlock and I ended up stumbling across my March’s testimony. Boy, I was very much hurting when I wrote that and I guess, I still am. I’m gonna answer your question, not with my own story because to this day, I’ve never met any of my siblings and with the years passing by, I really don’t see the point.

          A friend of mine went through what you described. Since the OW was told by the guy that he was single at the time of the affair, I guess it was much easier for my friend to be in touch with the OW and let the 2 siblings spend time together. My friend has divorced and the OW broke things off, the minute she learned a wife was in the background (she got hold of that piece of information after getting pregnant). I think getting along with the OW and making sure the “legitimate” child meet and have his other sibling in his life, was kind of therapeutic for both women because they somewhat know that they fell victims to a disloyal man.

          In your situation, the child is not a reminder of your husband’s affair but pardon my frankness, maybe, a hurtful reminder of the fact that he didn’t really work hard for your marriage to survive his affair. Maybe you feel like he betrayed YOU by fathering this child because you held on to your marriage vows, even after the affair, while he obviously carried on with his life as if nothing changed in his life.

          If your kids know that Daddy has a new girlfriend (they must do since you’ve been separated for 3 years), I guess you and their dad can explain the situation: the fact that your marriage has ended and that Dad’s having a new kid with someone else, so they’re gonna have a new little brother or sister. It’s up to their father to always make sure that they don’t feel left out nor replaced. As for you, in order to maintain a sense of normalcy and consistency for your kids, you might have at some point, to even spend some time with the 3 children, ONLY AFTER God has healed you. The friend whose story I described, sometimes, spends time at the park with the OW and her kid. She does it for her own child but also because the Lord healed her wounds, otherwise, no sane woman can do such thing.

          As for the OW and the “I’m not sure what he told her to have her accept him, knowing he is not yet divorced”, I know some women get sucked up in these relationships because the guy told them, everything was over. They don’t feel like they’re taking another woman’s husband. I know that because of my personal history, I’ve always thought that until a divorce is pronounced, not any divorce but one for adultery, a married man is still married to his wife, no matter how long they’ve been separated. People should properly end up one relationship before leaping into another one, that’s my POV.

      2. Anna, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. My husband had a child 14 years ago. I just knew three months ago. We both spoke to the child but the mother speaks a different language. I want to be a part of her life but my husband chooses us because we have two grown kids and he wants to keep his marriage. Although he might think he is doing the right thing I feel sorry for the child but because of the system and Shame. My husband wants nothing to do with the family. There were more children. Both my husband and the mother had two kids. The child in question found me on FB. My husband and I are trying to make it work. I know one day the child will reunite with our kids but not sure how it will go. It is scary.

    4. Hello Kim, I have been dealing with a similar situation for the last 14 years. My husband & I were married 12 years with a 1 year old girl. After suspecting he was having an affair, we tired counseling. I found out a few months later the other woman was pregnant. I quickly filed for divorce (not wanting to but felt there was no way out). It was very difficult but after a few years of pain & hurt I was able to move on.

      He was being a father to both of his children. Six years go by and we ended up have a one night stand and I at age 40 became pregnant. This was 9 years ago. We have many ups & downs and have been in marriage counseling but I feel I’ll never get over this. I try everyday to be positive but I feel broken. I wish I never went back with him. I love my 2 daughters and stay for them.

      The hurt & daily reminders somedays are unbearable. Good luck with your situation. Surround yourself with positive people and not people who only judge you!

    5. Hi Kim, I am in a very similar situation as you. Both my husband and I had affairs, his resulted in a son who is now 13 years old. I don’t want anything to do with this child. I’m so angry and the thought of how he came here never goes away. I’ve prayed, cried, and separated from husband. I’m so consumed with this that it’s beginning to take a toll on my health. I really don’t know what to do.

    6. I recently found out that my boyfriend whom I have been with for seven years cheated on me a week after I had my eldest son. He hid this from me for five years and I just found out six months ago. I also found out the woman he cheated on me with got pregnant and he has a daughter with her from the affair. He knew about the baby two or three weeks after she found out she was pregnant and lied to me about this child for six years. I recently had another son with him that was four months old when I found out I was devastated I felt sick to my stomach.

      Sad thing is I still love him I have tried to get over it. I encouraged my boyfriend to have
      a relationship with this little girl but he told me he wants nothing to do with her. Little did I know he was visiting her behind my back lying to me after I was being so understanding during the situation I even met the little girl and picked her up every other Saturday and interduced her to my children and they love each other.

      I have tried to deal with the feeling of betrayal and heartache but every time I see the mother my heart sinks and I feel sick to my stomach they also text each other regarding the little girl. I want to try and make it work for my family but it just hurts too bad. I recently left my boyfriend but I still feel sad without him. I know in my heart I need to move on. He has cheated on me more than once but he is not going to change. Why am I having such a hard time healing? I feel so sad. Does Anyone know how to help me feel better and move on?

  8. I just found out a month and a half ago that my fiancé got drunk one night and slept with one of my friends. She’s pregnant and says he’s the only one she was with around that time. I’ve come to the reality that I love this man and want to make my relationship work but at times I don’t know how to get over it or move on. He has never cheated before and has been proving to me that he wants me and only me. We’re supposed to be getting married in March. Anybody got any advice of what helped them through situations like this?

    1. Hi Sharee, thank you very much for your words and your advice. You’re absolutely right I have a couple of people that I talk to and they also say talk to God. I’ve never been much of a church goer but I have started praying and I feel it’s helping. I want to get over this and truly be happy. It’s been 13 years. This is a part of our past that should be put to rest. I’ve decided to take this year to work on myself and become a happier.

      My NH is and has done everything right to make me as comfortable as I can be with this situation. He doesn’t keep secrets, he tells me everything, and I’ve always had a say in what and how things are handled. There’s nothing more I can ask him for.

      I wish you all the best in your relationship. I feel if you truly believe your fiancé when he says things are over with him and your “friend” and you know without a doubt that he loves you and puts you first then your relationship is worth saving. This website has helped me so much also. I always knew this was a common situation but just reading so many people’s stories makes me feel better. I know I’m not alone and my feelings are normal. I thank everyone for sharing.

      1. I’m not finding anything like my family’s situation but we need some advice. My husband had two children prior to our marriage. One was from his first marriage, and the second was conceived from an affair, which broke up his first marriage. I also have two children from a previous marriage and we’ve had one child together.

        We talk about everything as a family and get along with both of our ex-spouses very well, have dinner together and co-parent well. However, the other woman who my husband cheated with during his first marriage tells our daughter that she was the product of divorce and not of the affair. We don’t know how to tell our daughter the true story of her conception and birth and the effect it had on her older brother who was still a baby at the time, without causing her any problems.

        If we don’t talk about it openly we’re betraying who we are as a family and I believe we’re risking their relationship moving forward. Also, our daughter seems to have self esteem and identity issues already and is mean to her little step sister, perhaps from her own questions about where she came from and what that means to her. It’s really hard to decide what to do and I’m not finding anyone in this position. Help!!

      2. Kim, Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. He said it was only that one time and the biggest mistake he has ever made in his life. I feel that he is genuinely sorry and we have continued to plan our wedding in March. It is great to read about people who have been there and have gone on to have great and happy lives. I know eventually he and I can get back to that point. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and give feedback.

    2. My husband of 30 years this October did something similar, but at the time I saw a text from her stating she was pregnant, questioned him, and he responded by saying some mad woman, any way she went back to country in Zimbabwe when she found out that she was pregnant. Last December he went to see his daughter. I kept asking him, as I had this feeling deep within my stomach for a while. His response was that he couldn’t tell me. Often it is easier if they own up as soon as possible, but it still doesn’t make the pain any easier.

      Our children don’t want any thing to do with her. I have started to try to understand the situation 1 year on, but only through prayer and support of my pastor that I have gotten this far, as I have learned that nothing just happens.

    3. Run…run…run! If he will do this before your married he will do it after. He’s linked now to this person. There is no forgetting because there’s always a reminder. My husband has cheated on me several times in 13 yrs of marriage. He lied sooo many times I trust nothing he says. He always promised to change, to do better. I found out about the first affair when we had a 2 month old. Now we have 6 kids. I always wanted to try to keep our family together.

      Honestly though, if he had cheated before we had kids I would have left. I was scared of being alone. Now I have 6 kids and just found out he has been cheating again and she’s pregnant. She thought he was separated, which still doesn’t equal divorce. She contacted me when some things he told her weren’t adding up. She too is devastated by his lies but takes responsibility for her actions.

      He just keeps lying when I asked about him having a girlfriend. Even before I heard from her. He doesn’t know she contacted me. He doesn’t know she’s pregnant. She said she isn’t seeing him anymore and barely answers his calls. She wants to leave and doesn’t want him to try to find her. When she is gone I’ve to decide what to tell him. But I know for sure for me I won’t put up with this. It is the ultimate disrespect.

      I don’t know if he’ll ever change. There’s no trust at all. Sometimes you have to go into self preservation mode. It might hurt to call it off now but you’ll move on. Think of how it’ll hurt if he does this when you’re married. I’ve made it this far because of the strength of the Lord and now the Lord has told me enough is enough; you tried your best. Think of what you would tell your friend to do if she was in this situation. I know I would tell my friend don’t put up with this. Now I have to take my own advice. Good luck.

  9. I’m currently 3 months pregnant and have been battling with guilt for sometime now. I had an affair with my boss, who’s been very good to me and honestly he’s like my dream man. But I’ve been married for 8 years now with a seven year old daughter. I love my husband but I got smitten with my boss. He has done many good things for me.

    When his wife started getting suspicious last year I decided to get out of it, but my boss wouldn’t let me. He even threatened me and then begged, saying he’d just do anything. He’d follow me around even when I was working in another agency, just to be away from him. He’d kept saying we’ll just talk then he’d take me somewhere private.

    Then I got pregnant. This time he agreed not to see me because he was scared. I’m so angry. Even though it was my decision, I still feel abandoned, and I’m so terribly afraid of the outcome even though my husband doesn’t know about it. He was happy for another child but I’m eaten with guilt. I’d wake up suddenly at dawn then I just cry. I can’t even try to pray; it’s like I’m not worth hearing.

    1. God loves you. No matter what you’ve done. He’ll always remain a faithful, loving Father. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. There’s nothing you can do that can ever take His love away from you. Repent from your sins with a sincere heart and move forward. Unfortunately, you have to confess and tell your husband the truth. The lie will contaminate your spirit and take you further and further apart from God and your husband. Trust God my dear, that He can cause this situation to work out for your good.

      Go and get counseling from a godly person who will direct you in the way of the Lord. Praying for you.

  10. I became involved in an affair without knowing it. My partner emphatically denied being married or in any kind of relationship, even after being asked repeatedly. Soon after we started being together intimately I became pregnant. He expressed his not wanting a baby, but also promised to be there for me whatever my decision may be. I, at first, considered abortion. I didn’t want my child to be born in this crazy and confusing situation. Here I am in my 40’s with a younger man in my life. He doesn’t want a child right now, so he’s unhappy about the pregnancy.

    I felt that bringing a baby into this situation would be the recipe for disaster. I set up the appointment, but couldn’t make myself go through with the abortion, so needless to say I had the baby.

    When he found out I chose to have the baby he disappeared, calling every so often to “check on me” and the pregnancy. He wouldn’t come around during the pregnancy because he didn’t want to become emotionally attached to the baby. He has fought against her existence from the very beginning. He came back around when she was four months. He came back pouring all his business, everything about himself on my lap –everything. I was able to find out anything I ever wanted to know about him, and his family for that matter, because of the information he gave me.

    He came full of apologies and asking to be in her life. He said he was committed to being in her life. He told me about the marriage and the kids he has with his wife. I was devastated. Since finding out I have never cried so much in life. I saw him trying. He really tried to be a part of her life, but that was short-lived when he realized he couldn’t spend any money or time on her without his wife knowing about it.

    For a while he did come see her. I didn’t make a big deal about the money because I was aware of the situation with the wife. I just wanted my daughter to have her dad in her life, so I let it go. As long as he was there with her, spending time and making memories—giving our daughter her dad, that was all that mattered to me. I know that sound naive and gullible, maybe even desperate; however, I grew up without my dad. I didn’t want my daughter to experience that feeling –wondering where dad could be and why he never thought enough of me to be in my life.

    That hurts at a whole new level–in a way that can’t be explained when you find out there are other children born to this same man. They came into existence the same way I did, but he was there for them. He loved them, played with them, helped care for them and encouraged them, but never thought to do those things for me. That really hurt. GOD, THAT HURT SO MUCH!!! I just didn’t want my child to experience that, yet I couldn’t protect her from it.

    Now he doesn’t spend any time with her. He said he couldn’t be her father because he didn’t want to sacrifice what he has worked so hard for over the past 15 years –marriage, family, “love” and stability.

    As the other woman I feel stupid for allowing myself to be in that situation. It hurts so much I wake up with tears in my eyes. I cry while I’m asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night pleading with God to take the pain away or just let us die. Some days it takes everything in me to function enough to get through the day. Sometimes I cry until I feel there’s nothing left in me. I feel hollow, empty, drained, unable to feel anything.

    1. Listen, like you, I’m the daughter who grew up without her father because he had to take care of his “real” family. He sent them overseas to study, made sure they were well taken off.

      Anyway, how did I get by while growing up? I took literally the whole “God’s our father”. I had no doubt whatsoever that Dad was my father and that was enough for me. My situation is akin to your daughter’s and let me tell you, she’ll be fine just like you’re. Children are very perceptive and if you seem to be a burden to your father because you happen to be a love child, you’ll know it.

      From my experience, I was way happier when my dad was out of my life, then when he popped up when I was 15 and could sense I was more a nuisance than anything else. We kept up the charade until I was 30, then I set him free. I’d rather not have my biological father in my life, than dealing with someone who makes me feel like a second-grade child. His real children, to him, will only be the ones conceived in the matrimonial bed.

      By the way, as per my mom, I’m alive because she refused to abort this time, like she did the 3 times before.

      1. I would like to understand more from your perspective. I’m the OW who refused to abort. The father has never been involved, he went back to his wife and ended our relationship when he found out I was pregnant, well sort of, he took advantage of my feelings while pregnant, and even after my son was born. That was years ago though.

        Today he only recognizes his real children. My son is 6 now and has never met his father. He asks often who his dad is, of course, because he’s at that age and all the other kids at school have two parents. I have always told him that his father is our Lord in heaven. But he keeps pushing, asking what about his dad your an earth.

        His father and wife do not want anyone to know and refuse to acknowledge or communicate unless it is through his wife. He pays child support because he is legally obligated, and my son’s health insurance is through his wife, which makes difficult conversations when I need information. And every time I need information or have to communicate I’m accused of harassing him.

        I have remained single by choice as I do not want drama… lol. Recently my son has been having difficulties so I went and had him tested 308 psychological evaluation. It was discovered he is clinically depressed and actually broken up about the absent father. It is heartbreaking for me as his mother to have to explain that his father just does not want him. I always try to change the subject whenever he brings it up instead of telling him the truth for fear that it would just devastate him even more.

        My only concern is my sons feelings; it tears me up to read how people are so concerned about their feelings and forget about the child and what they need. Any words of wisdom from the child’s perspective is greatly appreciated. What would you have liked your mom to tell you? How do you feel about your dad letting me grow up for you, better or worse?

  11. Me and my husband have been together 10 years married, 4 years this August. My husband has two children with me and 3 other children from 3 different women during our relationship and we’re still married. I know this might shock some of you to just think to yourself how did this woman stay with this man after all of that. I don’t know either, wish I knew why I didn’t walk away the first time, But I think I know why. It’s because I believed the good in him and not the bad. I’m just that kind of person that believes that God created us all good.

    Our journey through life results in all the bad we become. I’ve been through it all with my husband’s infidelity, pornography, drug and alcohol addiction, depression, attempted suicide, him being unemployed and Im only 29!!! How can I still love a person after he has hurt me so much? I can only thank God for leading me everyday. Even though I may look like a stupid to the few people who know my journey I don’t really care because this is my journey and I believe God placed me in his life for a reason. Some may call me crazy, but I don’t care as long as I know God would’ve never made me stay.

    It does hurt though, it hurts a lot. He cannot forgive himself for what he’s done to me. You see his father did the same to his mother and actually left his mother for one of the other ladies. He grew up angry and resented his father and ended up doing the exact same thing to him. His father abused him and took out all his frustrations on him. He witnessed his father bringing woman home when he was still young. He was in the car when his father used to drive to some of their houses but never told anyone, especially his mother, these things. I only found out these things when he was drunk and crying.

    So I understand his hurt. I understand that this was a curse that needed to be broken. And I’m grateful to God that we’re both saved now. But even though he’s saved, I can see that he still struggles with unforgiveness, not being able to fully forgive his father and also himself. And as a result it is robbing me of having the husband I know he can be and father to our children.

    On the other end the last lady he had a baby with is determined to break us apart. She sends me messages trying to bring doubt in my mind. She calls my husband swearing at him. It’s just very ugly. But God reminded me to pray for her because she clearly has a lot of hurt as well, and is very troubled. And I understand that this is a spiritual battle and that the enemy is just using her to discourage us both.

    Please pray for us. That my husband can forgive and figure out a way to build relationships with these children. For us to be able to explain to our kids who are still so young, what is going on. For God to heal all the pain for everybody involved.

    1. I need some help. I’ve been with my husband for 8 yrs. When we got together he told me he had two children from two diffrent women. I accept it and we started our family. We have a 6 yr old little girl. she and I adored him. Well, last week he text me that he couldn’t come home; he couldnt even talk to me face to face. He said he met someone. I told him ok, just come home; we will talk about it and work it out. He said we can’t. I finally got it out of him; he met her a yr ago. She’s 21 and he’s 34 and she’s two months pregnant.

      I was so hurt and even then I said I forgive you; just come home. You can be there for the baby, just come home. He said no, I don’t deserve you. We can’t fix this; it won’t ever be the same. As much as I want to hate him I can’t. I love him so much. I know people say don’t stay in a relationship because you have kids; that’s not the case. I love him and miss him. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t know what he was missing that he couldn’t come to me and say hey, we need to work on this. I was so blind sighted.

      I need any advice. It has been so hard cause I’m so close to his family and a part of me wonders, does this girl know about me or did he tell her we were not together? Did he tell her we were separated? Should I reach out to her? He has yet to face me. I just don’t know how one day he could say I love y’all; I miss y’all, can’t wait to see y’all, and two days later say I’m sorry I can’t do this. Who does that?

  12. So hopefully this encourages someone because I’m reading a lot of hurting hearts. YOU WERE BORN TO BE AMAZING! Long story short… my husband got a woman pregnant from his past that we had been having problems with for some time. To add insult to injury she was pregnant with his first son, named him a Jr. and sent him to our home at a week old. As a woman I knew a mother would never just allow their child to visit the home of the father and his fiance’…she was rubbing it in if you ask me. She was rude and very nasty to me on several occasions, as if I were in the wrong.

    They hid the pregnancy for months. he proposed in May of 2013, he was forced to tell me about the pregnancy in June, and they had the baby in August. After the baby was born they carried on as if they had a family! I was never mean to the child though. It was hard. I cried, and cried, and cried… but he didn’t care about anything but seeing that little boy and she didn’t care about anything but being in my fiance’s life.

    We still got married in November of 2013, and I took as much as I could because I love him. By august of 2014 I was over it! I found an apartment, put down the deposit, and was preparing to silently exit… BUT I WAS PRAYING THE ENTIRE TIME MORE THAN EVER BEFORE! MARRIAGE IS NO JOKE! You have to be sincere in your vows but that also means for better or for worse….until death. I don’t believe in divorce so I was truly hurting to feel forced to leave my own husband because of the invasion of another woman.

    On September 7th she died in a horrible car accident!!! I won’t lie and say I liked her AT ALL, but I felt horrible because I believe all children NEED their bio mother and father! He was only 13 months at the time of her death. He’ll never know her, but we immediately took him in! He is a joy of a little boy that I believe will be an amazing man, especially knowing that love CAN BE UNCONDITIONAL! After her death I went through months of counseling that I still attend because hurt is hard. I was raised my my mother and step father and knew I was better off without my biological father… but I still love him and forgive him for not being there and doing things right.

    You can overcome the hurt of betrayal in the marriage, the embarrassment as the child born in scandal, the humiliation as the wife who’s been betrayed, the sibling of the child, etc. People don’t matter… YOU DO! Your health and sanity are what’s important. Go to counseling… by yourself… then go as a family to sort all of it out. It is even up to you to apply solutions in counseling, but for those of you who are not afraid to PRAY… PRAY that God give you guidance on how to deal and LIVE your LIFE without shame or embarrassment.

    I love my husband. I love my son… and I even take him to see her family every other weekend. I’ve suffered through anxiety, hypertension, etc. through all of this but I made it through it SUCH A BETTER PERSON AND WOMAN!!

    Wish nothing but good things to everyone… even your enemies and people who have hurt you and watch how the good things turn for you! Nothing horrible lasts forever… but you have to do something to make things change… even if it is nothing but prayer and counsel. God will workout the rest! Be encouraged! All of you are loved, are capable of loving, and deserve to have peace!!! Control what you can control, which is yourself and don’t be angry because it does nothing but hinder you and manifest in YOUR LIFE! I don’t know you all, but hope this encourages you even at the least.

      1. I shared my story with you guys a while back, and while reading everyone stories help I’m still having a hard time moving on. My husband and I have been together our whole lives. We grew up together on the same block and were best friends before we got together in our early teens. We’re now in our early 40’s. We have 3 kids and one grandbaby. We have never been apart and I love him with all my soul. He’s a good man and a great husband and father.

        We’ve both made mistakes in our past that have caused bumps in our relationship but we always got through them. But like I said before, he made a huge mistake that led to him having a child outside of our family. I forgave him because like I said, we were together since we were young. We were entitled to make mistakes. He was not a serial cheater; he has never done it before or since this incident and has proven to me over and over how sorry he is and that he’s a good man who made a horrible mistake.

        My problem is even though this has been 13 years ago I can’t let it go. It was easy to pretend this situation didn’t exist when the child was younger but now that he can reach out on his own it’s hard to avoid. Because I have my issues and his love for me, my husband has not really been there for this other child. It’s starting to cause a huge strain on our relationship because he’s not the type of person who doesn’t take care of his responsibilities. He’s a very hands on dad who puts his family first no matter what.

        Our kids have only seen him twice but I’ve never made my husband feel like he could bring him into our family. I start an argument even if he tries to do the littlest things I give him a hard time. I understand the whole kids are innocent thing and I don’t hate the child; he’s actually a sweet boy. I just hate the situation and can’t get the image of how he got here out of my mind and I don’t want the situation around me or in our family. I know this is selfish because my husband wants to do the right thing. I need help letting go because I really want to be supportive because I don’t want to lose my husband and my best friend because of this unfortunate situation.

        1. Yesterday was not a good day for me as well. Just like you I had thoughts about these children being a permanent reminder of my pain. And to add insult to injury one of the children’s mother is a nightmare. It’s like she has made a vow for us to never be happy. She is constantly phoning and sending mean messages, swearing, making up lies to put doubt in my mind against my husband, the list goes on and on.

          Not alot of people know about my husbands affairs and of his extra children, only close family and friends do. I am constantly living under this fear that one day this woman will show up and humiliate me infront of my family as she has made that threat before. She is a bully and out to destroy my marriage. Sometimes I feel like I just want to give up on everything. Like I can just go away and start afresh.

        2. Wow, I feel like we have the same story. Been with my husband since 16. He is 47 and I 45. Married in 1991 and have 2 daughters between us 22 (n August) and 18. Our first 6 – 7 years were a roller coaster. We both had affairs and finally realized we needed to get our acts together. Started going to church and REALLY focused on our family.

          We are SUPER involved with our daughters lives and our youngest will start college in the Fall. The oldest just graduated from college. Many years ago my husband’s other woman was pregnant and apparently it was between him and a friend of his as the father. He took a paternity test, but never saw the results from it as after speaking with an attorney he had no legal right. Our understanding is the other man was on the birth certificate and took responsibility and they ended up getting married. Later they divorced and apparently he remarried again. Seems his new wife wanted to SEE the paternity test results and it was discovered that man was NOT the father. That man despite believing that man was her father the majority of her life (14 years) completely cut the girl off.

          Finally last year the mother told her about my husband and he FINALLY saw the test results and he indeed is the father. Our girls have ABSOLUTELY no idea. Like your husband, he’s done everything for this family, hard working ad VERY responsible. It kills him that this girl is a complete stranger. I’ve asked him to wait til next year to tell our girls. Like I said it’s our youngest first year of college and she is going 1200 miles from home on an athletic scholarship.

          My husband has been involved with her and her sport for 11 years so this in itself is a HUGE transition for our family. Our daughter even thought about not going because she is so close with her dad and is already quite fearful of losing that daily support. He will be able to go to quite a few of the games, but again it will certainly be different than what they had done for some many years. I think he realizes telling our girls right now would really endanger the possibility of her changing her mind. She is 150% a dad’s girl. I was already worried about her going and the separation of them, this has heighten it to new levels.

          I find myself being so clinging to my younger daughter, which she just equates to her leaving for college soon. But I’m so stressed when the truth finally comes out. I did tell my husband I’d be willing to meet the child. Maybe secretly hoping this will buy some time to spare my girls. I would at least encourage you to allow your husband to spend some time with the child alone and outside of the home. My husband has taken this girl to lunch a few times and they text but that is about it. The reality is she is not much younger than my youngest daughter and unfortunately she plays the same sport so we have crossed circles with her and didn’t even know.

          With so much social media, the fact that your husband’s son knows about your kids he may at some point in the future try to reach out to them. For that reason, I have agreed to next year talk to our girls about it (want to get one year of college with a good start under her belt and then have the summer to love on her). I’m hoping this girl doesn’t try to reach out to them before. I think that would be horrible for them to find out other than from my husband and myself.

          Like you, I don’t see this girl being part of our family and the reality is our family dynamics have changed. Our older daughter is starting her new life 2 states away where she graduated from college and hopefully next year will be living in DC working for the government. We live in California. This girl will also be going to college somewhere, so I just don’t see it.

          I just THANK GOD everyday even before this was discovered, for this GREAT MAN I have that loves our girls so much, deeply and would give or do anything for them. I will pray for your family too and like I said do the baby step and please give your husband the ability to spend some time with this boy solo. I have faith in you sister, I know you can do that. :)

    1. I’m in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I got engaged last December and I just found out he’s having an affair and the girl is a few weeks pregnant. Most of my friends and family are telling me to leave since we don’t have kids together, but I love him. But the girl he got pregnant is getting rude. He goes out some evenings and I don’t see him until the next day. I don’t know what to do about this. Help!

    2. Thank you for your story. I have just recently found out that my fiancé fathers a baby boy with a woman who he has history with. Their son is only 12 weeks older than ours who has turned 3 months a week ago. I am still reeling in the shock. The heartache is deep and the pain is so unbearable. I cry each time I think about this and the way I found out too. Where do I start? We have an 8 year old daughter together, a 3 month old son. He has a son from his previous relationship and so do I, but we’ve been together for 13 years so both these boys have grown up like brothers and we always saw us as one complete family. This new situation has completely shattered our worlds. The kids don’t know anything as yet.

      I’ve asked him to move out and live by his mum because seeing him just angers me all the time and I didn’t want us to get into an argument that might alarm the kids that there was “this” problem. We are trying to find a way to tell the kids this because we know it will devastate them too. I don’t know how I can go forward? Reading hopeful messages help but I still feel that I don’t think I can survive this. My world has just come to an end. The mother of this “affair baby” has orchestrated this. She set out to lure him as she warned me many times that she got it right. If we need to go forward, how do I know that she won’t continue this vendetta? This is hard.

      1. Clara, as devastating as this is, the fact is that this woman is not all to blame. Yes, she may have gone after your boyfriend, but you are not married, so honestly, he is fair game. Also, she can’t do anything as far as carrying out a vendetta if your boyfriend does not give her ground. He is just as much to blame as she is… maybe even more so because he not only was unfaithful to you, but to his children. He didn’t consider what this would do to them…only what he wanted when he wanted it. I can have a hundred men go after me, but if I don’t give them the time of day and see them as threatening to my family (which they would be), then there would be no sexuality that would go on between us. And if there is no sexuality, then there is no baby. All of this is not to mention my OWN character issues that would show forth if I’m fooling around with someone else when I’m supposed to be faithful to one, as well as my family.

        Clara… honestly, you will never know if this woman will go after your husband more… probably she will. He has now given her a foothold in having sex with her and in giving her a child. But even more disturbing is the fact that he would be a part of that –whether he encourages it or not. It shows that he is caught up into himself, without consideration to those who love him –those he should be protecting.

        You don’t have the same reconciliation issues involved because you aren’t married. There is no vow made before God and with God that should be considered if you were married. You never mention the Lord in what you have written here so I’m not sure where you and your boyfriend stand in that. But this is not just a fidelity issue, it’s also a spiritual issue. I hope you will draw close to the Lord for guidance. HE can give you wisdom, when no one else can do so as well. As you and he draw close to the Lord, you will draw close to Truth, and so much of these types of muddy issues and what to do about them can be cleared away. You will still have a mess going on, because of past unwise decisions that were made. But you will have clearer ideas of what you should do about all of them –how to handle them with consideration to your children and their and your future. You DON’T want a cheating lifestyle lived out in your life, and also in front of them. If there can’t be fidelity and truthfulness lived out, then it will continue to taint your and their future and teach them things that I’m not sure you want to teach them. These are hard facts… I’m sorry to say them to you when you are already hurting. But I pray you will prayerfully consider them all and pray that as you go to and lean into the Lord, He will help you in the ways you most need it.

        1. Really lady?! Even though they may not be married, the pain and anguish is the same. How dare you even imply that it is different?! Everyone’s story is different, DON’T judge a relationship. They have a lot of reconciliation to do, even though they aren’t married.

  13. I’ve been married to my husband for just one month shy of a year, and we have been together for 7 years. Since I’ve known him, he said he wanted children. I told him no kids before marriage. Last year we finally got married. The sex has been lacking… to the point where we were married in May 2014, the last time was in June or July 2014, and he seems disinterested.

    I had an affair, and got pregnant in December of last year. I told him in March and he said he’ll divorce me; there’s no way he’ll raise someone else’s child. He got the papers from the court and signed up for his own apartment. We both agree –how ironic I tell him all along no kids before marriage… and I end up with a child from another man. But he was making no effort to get us there. I wish I had just talked with him.

    The father of the baby in me is unresponsive. All my family is out of state but I don’t want to move so I can have insurance. I’m also hoping for a change of heart from either man… I have to wonder sometimes… if this is God punishing me for having an affair and how to overcome this. I cry all the time and am embarrassed and heart broken of how I let my life take these turns. People tell me a baby is a gift from God no matter how it got there, and maybe my husband and I weren’t meant to be, as nothing would have been able to come between us. I don’t know, just in so much pain and worried all my crying will hurt the baby… praying for forgiveness.

  14. I’ve been in my stepdaughters life for 5 years now. I realize a daddy/daughter bond is unique, but I can’t help feeling a little pain when she always chooses him over me. She was the result of an affair, and I surely haven’t handled this situation as gracefully as I could have —her mother was no help. However, I’ve always done so much for my SD and have always been concerned about her well-being.

    She doesn’t talk much but I noticed she plays really well with other children. It’s hard to show her affection when it always feels like she couldn’t care any less about being around me. She’ll run up to my parents and hug them when she sees them; she’ll do the same with other family members too, but rarely with me. I wonder if her mom puts things in her head for her to be confused about how she should treat me.

    I’ve been in her life since she was born so you’d think we would be closer. When she is over I’m the one who helps with baths, who brushes and styles her hair, who polishes her nails… I really do try. She used to even call me momma when she was smaller and now calls me by my name. The other day I was very surprised by her actions. Her and I were waiting on her dad so I tried talking to her, she wouldn’t respond and kept shrugging her shoulder but the moment her younger cousin hopped in the car, she leaned over and began to whisper secretively in her cousin’s ear.

    I know it may sound odd, but sometimes I get the feeling that she is fully aware of her behavior. I feel like she treats me differently on purpose, which furthers my suspicions about her mother. I don’t know, maybe it’s all in my head but it definitely hurts my feelings. I could understand if I was new in her life, but she has never known life any different. She’s always had a mommy and another mommy with daddy in our home.

    1. Hi Emerald, I admire you for trying. Situations like this are never easy and will never be normal. There will always be somebody feeling some type of way no matter how hard you try. That’s why I choose not to deal with it and not bring the situation into my family. Even though the child my husband had outside is almost 13 and I never had any issue with his mom since he was born, I just can’t bring myself to deal with him because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love him like my own. I try to support my husband with however he wants to deal with him, but he understands that this child will never really be a part of our family.

      I admire you because you’re willing to try. Sometimes I wish I could. I do agree that it sounds like your stepdaughter may be behaving this way because of things she hears. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do about whatever her mom is putting in her head. You can only continue being you. She’s lucky she has you in her life; you sound like a nice person.

      1. I’m in a similar situation. At the time we were just dating. We were at least 3 years in with my now husband, when the baby’s mother told me she was pregnant. We were pregnant at the same time. Even after 8 years it stills hurt. When she comes over I treat her as my own, but she rarely even talks to me. I honestly feel that I should have left when I found out, but the love for him wouldn’t let me.

        Every time she comes over I get reminded of how he cheated on me. I have tried to forget and act ok, but again it’s hard… knowing he could cheat on me with her again still lingers in my mind. I HATE when she call or texts. I love him, but don’t think I could handle this situation at all… It HURTS!!! I feel that when mistresses get pregnant they hold that over your head, by being able to stay in your life.

        I pray everyone finds peace and a clear heart, because I know the struggle.

        1. Hi Jennifer, I know all too well your struggle! My husband had a son from an affair. His son is 14 and it doesn’t get easier. I find it to become more difficult with time. I also have 2 daughters with him.

          I’m hoping my daughters will have as normal of a childhood as I can give them with their dad. With that said I so feel your hurt and pain. My wish for you and anyone in this situation is to find some peace!

  15. I am a product of an affair. My biological father lied to my mom, saying he was divorced at the time of my conception. I grew up never knowing him or my half-siblings. I am now an adult in my 30s and I have found some of my family. Only two of those relatives have accepted me and I thank God for that and for them.

    A truly loving relationship is happening with each of them; however, my father, his wife (who he cheated on at the time of my conception), an Aunt and my Grandma have all made it clear that they want nothing to do with me. I just found out two days ago that my Grandma lives in the same town as me. She has this whole time. I have her curly hair. She doesn’t even want to know me.

    I am so angry and hurt that my father’s sin has caused so much pain and damage, for so many. And I feel like I’ve been punished my entire life for his mistakes and still am. I sometimes try to imagine how it might feel to be in their shoes, but it still doesn’t excuse the way they are treating me..

    1. So to hear that, it’s a tough situation to be in… I accepted my husband mistress child, but the mother made it hard for me to continue. It’s too much drama, which in fact leaves the child in pain. I hope that they’ll one day think about what they’re doing, to at least make an effort.

    2. I can also relate to your story. I’m currently pregnant and biological father did nothing but tell lies on top of lies. It actually turns out that he is a pathological liar. He was not only lying to me, but to his wife and three teenage children. While his wife has decided to forgive him and take him back, she doesn’t realize the fantasy world he was and is still trying to create with me at the same time. I also found out that I was not the first or only person he was cheating on her with.

      Even after I ended things, he still won’t leave me alone and continues to reach out to me on a regular basis. One day he wants to sign his rights away and another day, he’s taking me to court and another day, he wants me to give him another chance. He’s an alcoholic and he and his wife call the cops on each other all the time! Their three kids suffer as they have to witness this on a regular basis! I don’t want my unborn child to be any part of their drama or toxic world that they continue to create!

      If your mom kept you from your biological father (and his family) then she might have done you a favor as she could have been acting in YOUR best interest. Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. No child should have to go through or witness this.

    3. Hear, Hear!!! People always talk about the toll of adultery on the cheater’s family, his/her children but never on the children who never asked to be born out of this mess. We have to bear the shame of our parents’ sinful and selfish choices, sometimes, our whole life.

      I am not in touch with my father’s family, not only because my mother made sure it’ll be the case but also because I can’t stand the idea of seeing in their eyes, that I’m a reminder of what my Dad did. Besides, to them, I’m the daughter of my mother, the homewrecker.

      A few months ago, I was in my hometown and decided to let my dad know I was there. We haven’t spoken in 7 years and I wasn’t even sure his phone number was still working. He was surprised to hear me, a little bit apprehensive though. He told me he couldn’t meet me in the upcoming days because some very,very, very old relative was on her deathbed and that he was sick himself. I said: “Fine”; I wasn’t expecting anything, I just called him because he’s getting old and I didn’t want to carry the guilt of traveling to my hometown WITHOUT even letting him know I was there. I also wanted to let him know that I was holding no grudge towards him. Long story short, he got admitted to the ER 4 days after my phone call and was operated on right away. He had some people keep me in the loop as things were going on. I traveled back home and decided to call him to check up on him 10 days later. And what did he say when he picked up, all alive: ” I almost died, I’m fine now. I was wondering if you were still around. I’m in the middle of an interview, can you call back?” Did I mention that it takes 2 flights of 6.5 hr each between my hometown and where I live now and that there’s a 5hr time difference between us? I didn’t call back and I don’t intend to.

      I did my part, actually more than I should. I honored him even though he didn’t deserve it, most of the time. I’m done feeling unwanted. I’m sure, his conscience’s gonna catch up with him very soon. I’m done feeling guilty, I’ve done nothing wrong, I haven’t asked to be born, let alone, under such circumstances. I know that my mom’s now having regrets for lots of decisions she made while she was young and my dad’s on top of that list. I’m also sure that the same thing’s happening for my dad since out of the blue, while I was there, he texted me that he loved me: too bad, his actions didn’t, never match his words.

      If it can help, have a look at Jesus’s genealogy. You’ll find King David who was adulterous once, Rahab the prostitute from Jericho, Jacob the swindler, Abraham who kicked out his own flesh Ishmael and his mother because his wife Sara asked him to do so. My point? Out of all these dysfunctional biblical families, the Messiah was born. It is God who defines a person’s worth. Being rejected by your own flesh and blood, especially when you did nothing wrong to deserve that, is crushing to the soul and one’s self-esteem. However, the Lord can swoop in and fill that void. I’m still angry but trust me, way less angry than I used to be. The Lord, in his mercy, pointed out those bondage to me and cut off some of them. Please look up for this powerful song: “Break the chains” of Tasha Cobb.

  16. I am trying to overcome anger and self hatred. I am now thirty. I believe a lot of it spurs from how I was raised and the circumstance of my birth. My mother was married and had two daughters (my older siblings). When my sisters were 7 and 9, my mother and her husband took in a friend to help him out. During this time, my mother felt her marriage was not well and the friend also had a marriage that was not well.

    At some point they decided to fall in love and have a child (me). Soon after conceiving, my mother started a divorce process with my sisters’ father. All I know is it was messy between getting custody of my siblings and being pregnant and birthing me and finalizing a birth. My parents raised all of us as though we were all one family with my older sisters visiting every other weekend to their father.

    Now there has been LOTs of change in terms of my parents coming into realization of what they did was wrong and apologizing to us all and continually growing in Christ relationship for my parents. I was growing for a while and developing a trust and faith in Christ, but now I’m stuck and can’t get past the anger and self hatred. Any advice on what could help? Thanks

  17. I’m born as a result of an affair on my dad’s side. When he met my mother he never told her he was married. Sadly she got pregnant. He is still married to the same woman who has no idea I exist as he never told her. He wasn’t there for me growing up. I think my mother felt that was best but I eventually ended up meeting him when I was 13.

    I didn’t care about knowing my other side of my family because I had a dad now just like everyone else. Few years on and I just want this dirty secret out into the open. I want to meet my nanny, my sister, and my uncles. Why should I suffer? Can you imagine? They don’t even know I exist.

    I’m very fond of writing and am going to pursue a career in journalism through social media. I found out that my cousin is also fond of writing. I would love to get tips from him. Sadly, he doesn’t know I exist. I’ve cried a hundred times but my mother only says the result of this secret may even be that his side won’t want anything to do with me because of his adultery. I’m heart broken and am going to burst eventually. What do you think I should do?

  18. My father cheated on my mother my whole childhood with a woman he met at work. I have two younger siblings who have gone through this journey with me. My father has been drained from paying child support. He makes over $100K a year and can barely afford to send me money at college or provide food on the table. The children from the affair ages 10 & 13 have recently come into his life, because he has to see them, so he can afford to pay his bills.

    I am in such neglect of these children, I refuse to be anywhere near them. I feel like being around them is a slap in my face and my mother’s. My parents are now divorced after my mom found out about the second child 5 years ago. I feel comfort and peace being on the site to know other children that were not from the affair. AKA the ones who get hurt the most. I have read stories about how children from the affair are more damaged, but let me tell you how it feels to think your father is not good enough for you and your family that he has to go start another family with someone else.

    I will never be a part of those children’s lives, because that would mean I have put my guard down to the mistress. WOMEN- lets start being strong women and STOP sleeping with other women’s husbands and families. As a child from a father who had an affair on her mother, I am broken. This has easily been the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I am always so embarrassed to tell anyone or even think about it in my head. I have asked God to make from this world so many times all because my father and his mistress couldn’t keep their hands off each other. THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN AND THE OTHER FAMILIES INVOLVED.

    1. As a child who is the product of an affair, I won’t even get into the “who are the most hurt children: the legitimate ones or the love child?” I am reading your testimony and remember how one of my close friends used to have tons of resentment for her father’s love child. One day, out of the blue, he just brought that kid home and his wife had to raise her. My friend’s dad was a very “peculiar” man and I’m trying to carefully choose my words. As per my friend, he used to criticize his wife with the love child, hence my friend’s growing resentment towards her when they were teens. We’re all in our late 30s now, all of this is water under bridges and my friend has come to the realization that she was luckier than the love child.

      Why? Because not only she shared the same mother with her other 5 siblings, but at least, she got to live with both her dad and her mother, in her house and didn’t have to always feel like a stranger. My friend has also understood that her half-sibling wasn’t the enemy, but just a victim like her. She’s very close to her sister now.

      It’s really important to separate the actions of adults from their consequences which in these situations, are children who have never asked to be born under such circumstances. I think that you’re going through a serious case of misplaced anger. Be angry at your dad if you want, at the other woman, but be loyal at your mother. It’s your right but be that resentful at those kids? IMO, you need to pinpoint who you’re really angry at and not direct your anger toward innocents who can’t even defend themselves against your ire. Did they go themselves to the court and ask to be supported? Once again, did they even ask to be born?

      You’ve been punished for the actions of your father and his mistress; your half-sibling is being punished for the actions of the same people since they’re hated by someone they don’t even know or ever did anything wrong to (that’s you, btw); your mother was punished by the actions of your father and his mistress. On top of things, the 2 people guilty of adultery, will forever be guilty of what they did. If they ask God for forgiveness AND ask ALL the injured parties (children included) for forgiveness, God will pardon them but that doesn’t mean they were not guilty. They will always be guilty of having had an affair but it doesn’t mean they can’t be redeemed. Please, this is a Christian website so carefully read the story of King David, Uriah and Bathscheba! See what a hefty price was paid by David for entering into an adulterous relationship (assorted with premeditated murder), don’t put the blame on innocent parties. You are not your dad so why should those half-siblings be their mother?

  19. I am a father of 4 beautiful children with my wife. As a result of an affair I am no longer having, I also have another child. My wife and I are co-habitating right now. My 4 children know nothing, nor do any members of our extended family. This is especially difficult for my wife as she feels that this secret is consuming her. The biggest question is about telling our children ages 8, 11 and 13.

    1. Hey Kevin, I’m in a similar situation and am going through a few things, and am curious how you’re dealing with them. I had an affair, as well, that resulted in a child. Rather than own it, I decided to keep it a secret and continue the affair over a total of almost 5 years. My wife and I are co-habitating, as well, and have a 7 year old son. The child through the affair is a 3 year old girl.

      I’ve been seeing the child since she was born and we continued the affair until recently. I’m paying support and the mother has moved on, rather quickly I might add. My question is, will you/have you been seeing the child still? I recently decided to not visit the child anymore as I feel it will bring more confusion into the situation, especially with the mother moving on.

      I do want to meet her again in life and will be sending her cards/gifts on special occasions so she knows I exist and that I do love and care for her. I feel guilty about doing this but also feel it will be the best for her in the long run and was curious as to how others have dealt with this in their situations…

      1. My husband had the affair and that child we raise with shared custody -is a pre-teen now. We’ve weathered this many years now. It’s always difficult but here is what you can do to ease your wife’s pain-stop making a fool of her and tell her the truth. I recommend severing ties with mother and child. If you do stay in contact with or share custody of the child with the outsider to the marriage set up court ordered dna first. It may be a non-issue as many affair partners have multiple partners themselves. To set up this dna you and your wife should request it through an attorney together with no contact with the outsider to the marriage.

        If you are proven to be the father have custody papers drawn saying there will be no phone contact unless child is in the hospital dying –not outsider’s uncle bob –child only –not for 2 stitches or a cold but only if dying. Communicate only through text or email so there is legal proof of her craziness because when you do the right thing by the wife you love, the outsider will get crazy –which is her problem and helps you and your wife with custody. Resist the temptation of believing the outsider is crazy in love with you –the outsider is just mad she got shafted and will destroy your wife because you made the right choice and picked your wife.

        Pick up the child up from school even if you must put them in pre-school to avoid any contact and let your wife only pick the child up. Teach the child your wife is to be called mom as well and is the most important female in your life and that you committed a huge sin against the Lord, yourself, and your wife but are very sorry and will not allow your wife to be treated with anything less than the place the Lord gave her as 1st in your life when God gave you the gift of your wife. Never attend sports/activities on outsider’s custody days or if you suspect that outsider will go.

        Doing all of this will not stop the pain but will minimize future pain and gives your a plan of how to save your marriage and be in your child’s life. Always your marriage is priority –God 1st then your wife. Never go to outsider’s house for child exchange –always have your wife pickup/exchange, not you, and if school’s out have your wife meet her in a safe open public place like a police department because the outsider will most likely be full of vengeance and hatred for your decision to save your marriage and follow God not Satan. Satan gets crazy when he thinks he’s losing sinners.

        1. This is terrible advice! Please remember that this child is your child. This sweet Gift from God deserves her father in her life. Blaming the girls mother for the sins of both mother and father is not fair. “Outsider” really? How terrible. This person is raising your child.

  20. I met my future husband in 1996. We began dating and got engaged in 2000, planned on a July 2004 wedding. I found out during our engagement that my then fiancé had produced two baby girls by two different women. One was born in July 2001 and the other baby was born Nov 2002. I was hurt and devastated when he told me in 2003 that he had to take a DNA and both came back positive. Needless to say, I was so hurt & devestated by his infidelity that I called off our weeding.

    After a separation and as time went by we got back together and continued with the initial planing of our wedding that took place as planned. My husband has been paying child support ever since he was reported by the bio mothers. Due to different issues between us we separated for 5 years (I moved out the house in 2008).

    Fast forward, 2013 we reconciled and bought a house in Jan 2014. Been to counseling and we’re doing alright now. My husband is not really in either child’s life at this time. Baby #1 bio mom is a drug addict and she never had custody of the child. This child has been shifted from one relative to the next. Currently she lives in another city about 1 hr away with her aunt through marriage that has a daughter the same age as her. According to the aunt and daughter the arrangement is not working out very well. There is major fighting and bickering between the two girls (14 yr old) and my hysband’s daughter does not get along with her guardian/aunt very well.

    The aunt calls and complains about her behavior once a week or so. There may be some favoritism in the household, which is not good. The aunt asked my husband if his daughter can stay with us for a “few weeks” and she’ll be sending her daughter off to visit with her dad for a couple of weeks because she needs a mental break.

    I have mixed feelings about this for numerous reasons. My son & daughter are both grown (ages 26 & 29, I’m a grandmother now). My husband works swing/split shifts and is rarely home, and when he is home he’s dead tired and just sleeps. His only day off is Sunday. I work fulltime, however, over half the time out the week I work from home. I don’t keep my own grandchildren past the weekend. I stress out and have anxiety issues due to menopause.

    His daughter’s birthday is today and I agreed that I’ll go with him to visit her for the day on Saturday but she has probably been told that she’s coming back home with us. Please help me!!!

  21. I’ve been with the father of my 4 boys since 2004, just turned 17, he was 22. By the time I was 18 I had our first child 08/05, 6/06 our second child and 11/08 we had twins. The first 4 years 2004-08 were on and off between us, alot of problems, arguments, disagreements etc. To make a long story short in 2011 we broke up and didn’t want to continue being a family. A year later we got back together and tried again. What I didnt know in that time is he messed around with some young chick he didnt even know and she ends up pregnant. When he moved back in he didn’t tell me about it because I guess the girl told him time didn’t add up for it to be his.

    So A year later we were going through hard times again on the verge of a break up, I looked in his fb account and saw messages back and forth from him and this girl claiming he’s the father of her 2 year old son. This is a little off subject but she named her son Jayden KNOWING our first born sons name is Jayden as well!!! Who does that?!?!?! So once I see that I’m literally crushed! I’ve always told myself if he ever had kids with someone else that was my sign from GOD to let it go. And we split up for a little bit again. A few months pass and we’re back living together. They end up getting a dna test through the state and he’s the father!!!!! We are currently together and our relationship has been better than ever excluding the stress pain and hurt feelings this situation has brought.

    The thing I’m struggling with is, I didn’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this, him being a father to someone elses kid, him having to have a relationship in some type of way with another woman…man I don’t know if I can overcome my selfish feelings. I’m scared because this is the only man I’ve ever loved, my first and only relationship and the father of my 4 boys but I don’t know if I can handle this other situation. I know it’s not the babies fault. And on the other hand I also know it’s not right to stand in the way of him being a father to his son.

    I don’t know what to do; I feel like this whole thing is breaking me down mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually!! I feel like im losing faith! I want to keep my family together for my boys but do I do that at the expense of my own happiness? But then again he does make me happy too. He technically didn’t cheat on me because we were broken up! I just don’t know if I can do any of this anymore!! Any advice is appreciated and sorry for this extremely long post!

  22. Hi Sarah, I absolutely understand how you feel. I have shared my feelings on this site twice in the last few months. I’ve been with my husband my whole life. We both made mistakes but we’ve never ever been apart. His one mistake resulted in him having a son outside of our relationship. This mistake doesn’t define him in any way because he’s a good man, despite it. He’s always been a great dad and husband and he always puts his family first. That is why I forgave him and I stayed because the good definitely outweighed the bad.

    However, with all that being said I will not accept this child. He is not a part of our family and I doubt he ever will be. He’s now 13 years old. I feel bad for putting my husband in a position where he has to choose but it’s what it is. I can’t bring myself to support him with this. I feel like this, the mother knew exactly what the situation was, she chose to bring a child into this world knowing it would not have the type of dad all kids deserve so now she has to be mommy and daddy to this child.

    Yes, I understand that kids are innocent and don’t ask to be born but why do I now have to be the bigger person and care when it was all well and good when you were doing me wrong? Like I said, it sucks that my husband has to choose because he is a good guy and I know that he feels bad that he’s not really in this child’s life but he has chosen his family.

    I know I may come off as bitter and harsh but I can’t help how I feel. I’m not forcing him to make this decision; he made it because he loves me. My advice to you is if you feel like your husband is worth it fight for your relationship. This other woman sounds like a hot mess. It’s a shame that the kid is in a bad situation but remember you didn’t cause it. I used to wonder if I was a bad person for feeling this way but I’ve read almost all of the stories on here and I see my feelings are perfectly normal.

  23. So, I’m only 22 years old, and my fiancé is 24. We’ve been together just past 4 years. Since we met it has been a crazy roller coaster! He has a 6 year old son from a previous relationship. When I met him I was pregnant at the time but didn’t know it yet, and when I found out he stuck by my side throughout the pregnancy and has been there for my daughter ever since who is now 3years old. Throughout those years he has had MANY infidelity issues and has been with multiple women. So there is already a history of hurt and betrayal.Despite all the hurt from that we were madly in love with each other. We were living together throughout his infidelities, and around last year his sister in law (who’s my best friend) had told me she heard rumors he got his son’s mother pregnant again..mind you we were together at the time. So I confronted him about it and he totally denied it so I left it alone.

    Then a few months went by and she told me again being 100% positive with proof she was, so I confronted him and he was honest about it. I immediately left the house and didn’t talk to him for about a month. When I was ready, I came back yet while I was gone he was playing house with her while coming to the place I was staying at begging and crying for me to come back home. So you can imagine my shock when I find that out. I left again and eventually came back. We never discussed what happened, why it happened, how it happened, why he did it, never.. Not even to this day! We act like it never happened.

    Time went on, the baby was born, he was never there for the birth; never there for the child really in the first year of her life. As much as I know it was wrong I expressed on several occasions if he wanted to be in this child’s life that I wasn’t going to be with him and would walk away and never look back. It hurts so much just to know he not only cheated but went as far as got her pregnant, that there is NO WAY I could ever face this child and bare the pain and hurt that would bring me. To me, our family was us and his son and my daughter. That’s how it has been for 4 years.

    At the same time I couldn’t imagine having to explain to my 3 year old this new child already 1, all of sudden coming into the family and being her step sister, let alone the confusion that would bring to her. I actually met her with my fiancé and the mother of the child to see if I could be comfortable so she could come to our house for visits and I couldn’t even stay for more than 5 minutes and I just cried the whole rest of the day. And because of his love for me he was not involved.

    This last December we found I was pregnant and in March of this year, after we had bee attending church faithfully and getting closer with God he had expressed to me he was hurting from not being in her life, and basically was now giving me an ultimatum that he was gonna bring her around whether I liked it or not. This angered me and filled me with rage. I chose to leave he house and call off our engagement. Our daughter was born in August and I’m raising her and my daughter in a separate home from my fiancé. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, there’s no one I’d rather be with and he is the love of my life.

    As much as I’ve prayed, we’ve even done a little counseling, yet nothing can take away the hurt and anger that fills me up. I have so much hate and resentment towards him for that. I cannot bring myself to accept the child or the situation. I feel humiliated, embarrassed, and as a woman feel as though I’mm belittling myself if I accept what has happened. I feel as a mother to 2 girls, I wouldn’t be showing them the example of what a man needs to be in your life.

    My father is a pastor and I was raised in church my whole life so I know I’m wrong for keeping him away. I know God can do anything but I feel as though what’s best for me is I need to walk away from the situation and move on and just be the woman of God and mother I need to be for my children. Yet at the same time I feel like I’m giving up on my family, my love, and giving my girls a home with two parents. I’m at a crossroads. Any verses, similar stories, advice would help. And I ask that you just keep me and my family in your prayers. Thank you for reading this. This site has gave me a lot of insight and help.

    1. Sara, It’s difficult to even know what to write to you. Part of me wants to hug you, and another part of me wants to shake you. I need to address the “elephant in the room” before I say anything more. But as the daughter of a pastor, did you NOT know that having sex with someone who isn’t your husband, and living with him is sin? I don’t know how to say it any other way. I don’t want to throw stones at you –especially when you’re in pain already. But I know I have to address this issue. If you claim to be a follower of Christ, then you are my sister and I need to talk straight to you as an older sister would/should do. Sisters should protect each other from further harm.

      If you are not married to this guy, then you have no real “rights” to establish a home with him. Think about it, what are you teaching your children by living with this guy –not being married to him? Just because your heart is drawn to this guy, it doesn’t mean that you can do anything you want to with him. Planning to marry, and playing marriage, in the meantime, isn’t something you are to do. You HAVE to know that. There… I said it… now you need to pray about it. There ARE limits that God establishes to protect you (and your children) from this type of situation. And when and IF you marry, you need to marry someone who has good morals, and good character –for your sake and for the sake of your children.

      I truly do sympathize with you. You sound like a really nice gal. But you haven’t been guarding your heart (or your body), and as a result, you are in a horrible situation. Even if you both DID marry when you first were tempted to live together, I’m not saying that he wouldn’t have gone out and cheated on you. Sadly, tragically, some spouses will do that to the other. It should never be. But when you aren’t even married… all the more this type of thing can happen. The ties you’ve had going on between you were shaky… and not sacred.

      As far as what you can do about this… I’m not sure. Personally (and it may seem easier for me to say this because I’m not in love with the guy… I’m not even liking him much, at this point), I would be afraid to marry him (if he still wanted to) because of the cheating nature that he has revealed. I wouldn’t want to keep exposing my heart to that, nor would I want it for my children –it’s toxic to be raised in a household where unfaithfulness is lived out and continues. You can still be the “woman of God and mother” you “need to be” for your children. I encourage you to do so. I pray God will give you the strength.

      But as far as continuing to live with or marrying this guy… I caution you. Living with him again, is not good in any way, but marrying him doesn’t seem to be good either. This daughter that he was responsible for bringing into this world, will be in his life –one way or another, both physically and/or emotionally. When you have a child together with someone –that’s what happens. And his cheating ways CAN come up again. You have to know that. You would be taking a gamble.

      You may be “giving up” on your “family, love,” and on giving your “girls a home with two parents,” but what kind of home life would you truly be giving them –a home filled with anger, resentment, and strife? I’m not sure I’d want to volunteer for that one. I AM praying for you. My heart sympathizes with you greatly, and goes out to your girls too. I just hope that you will prayerfully consider the WHOLE picture here –not just your emotions over the split. Sometimes a split (especially when you aren’t married yet) is better than the alternative. Prayerfully consider: what do you think Jesus would have you do?

      1. Thanks for replying! And no offense taken. I’ve heard that many times before. Although I was raised in church, the daughter of a pastor. I’m far from perfect and going through that time was far, far away from God and not allowing him to be in my life. That’s not the case now. I’m just fully seeking and trusting God. I’ve just allowed myself to have time to myself, to not really be in contact with him unless it is about the baby because as you addressed before (which my father has told me many times) a man is not going to act as though you’re his wife, or respect you in that manner when you’re just giving yourself to him without that commitment and expectation.

        So with that, and just the situation as a whole, I know it’s best for me to just be the best parents we can to our daughter and pursue nothing more then that, because that isn’t the home and environment I want to be in, but more importantly my children. So please continue to pray that God guides me and it be His will and not mine.

  24. I have been with my husband since we were 14&15. We have two boys together a 8yr old & 6yr old. We are still very young. My husband is a great father to our children. I worked a job that required me to work many long hours. My husband got on drugs badly & still was a great father but was very jealous & angry of all the hours I worked because it took so much time away from our family. He wanted me to stop working and I refused.

    One day his anger took over him & he attacked me. I ran away scared from him & all our problems. He went to jail for 6 months. I never stopped loving him but when he went to jail I slept with another man (My boss) and became pregnant. When my husband got out a month later we worked on things & fell inlove again. He talks to my belly and is very happy & connected to him. He still gets angry about the fact that he can’t be there. This other man has sued me & my huaband so that he could get 50/50 custody. My husband wants to be there for me but now that the other man is a part of our life I can see the jealousy build up. I feel so guilty for what I did. I should have stayed to help my husband with his addiction.

    I do not regret my child; I do regret his father. I find myslef crying often because when it comes time to deliver, which is any day, my husband cannot be there to support me. This other man knows of my husband’ abuse & does not want him around his child. He has not been here for me through any of my pregnancy, my husband has. I love my husband so much & I dont want to lose him again. Our children are so happy that we are all back together. I’m not sure what I can do – I just keep having faith in God that he will help me hold my family together.

  25. My boyfriend is 32, and I’m 47. His mother and father had an adulterous affair; his mother was married at the time and had children 10 years older than my boyfriend. On the birth certificate she stated her true, married name, yet lied about her birth date. We researched this, and she is still living in the town. We purchased a trial membership on a Spokeo and People Finders website, where we found her current address, phone number, and her family relations.

    After I contacted her daughter on Facebook, she accepted my friend request. I explained who I was and that my boyfriend had been abandoned, or separated, from his mother when he was just 1 year old. She sent a message confirming her mother’s name, that her father recently died, and that they have always lived in the same small town, (of 1,000 people now, much smaller in 1984). However, she said she didn’t “think” that her mother was the one that we were looking for. I sent her his birth certificate stating we believe his mother may have lied about her age, but not her location, or name. We also sent her a photo. Her son looks exactly like my boyfriend. Since she is a hairdresser I asked her to please spread the news and ask around, (if maybe there was a different woman by that name, that could’ve lived there).

    She never responded. We also sent a copy of the birth certificate and photo of him to the address where his mother lives. We have no response. In 2013 the Steve Harvey Show interviewed him, but never called back to schedule a time for him to appear. We’ve contacted the police in her area, who told us, she’s never had a driver’s license, but has 4 cars registered in her name; which they wondered why no one caught this. We’ve called public records and have gotten a DNA profile for him. We used her last name in a search on Ancestry.com. We’ve exhausted our search.

    I was going to put a post up on Facebook about children born out of adulterous affairs, but her daughter might delete me as a friend. I understand she had her reasons, but no child needs to be punished for their parent’s choices. She should be held accountable and own up to her decisions; not leave him on a street corner to die. He’s suffered; and the not knowing who is the worst. We told her in the letter that he just wants to know his roots; that he would only be interested in a relationship if she would be. To top it all off, his father died when he was just 7 years old. He doesn’t know much about his roots.

  26. So, I’m a victim of an affair. I’m not alone. The child my husband fathered with a married woman is also a victim. I want my marriage but I’m not ready for a family gathering. I’m really slow with processing emotions because when I settle and make a decision about something, I like to be true to myself and my words. My husband seems urgent for us to work this out and move forward.

    When I sought scriptUral guidance, I found myself receiVing revelation from Genesis. Abraham and Sarah. Before Sarah conceived and gave birth at 91, her maid Hagar had a baby by Abraham. When Sarah became “uncomfortable ” with the other child’s presence, she ordered them to leave. Abraham was grievous and God told him to listen to his wife. So, the mother and child were sent away. God explained how he would work everything out for all involved. Now, my husband maintains that he wants his wife but can’t turn his back on his child. Did God give Sarah a voice in this situation for women like me? I believe we should trust and obey and God will work it out somehow (unlike Abraham, financial support is a given).

  27. I did have a boy while have an affair. It isn’t simple to say. My marriage at the moment was going pretty bad and I found someone else while I was suffering marriage problems. He was much younger than me and it was a stupid thing to start a relationship with him behind my husband. I did have the child and my husband and I tried another chance. We are happy together. We have 3 kids and all our kids are happy.

  28. Hello, I’m turning to God to help me heal and take that pain away. My story is this, I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. Some time ago I found out I was HIV positive. I told him about it and even though he is negative he decided to stay with me. A week ago I got a call from a girl who told me that she has a one year old child with my man. I was devastated, hurt, betrayed and was just wondering why. I know that he really loves me and he’s making a lot of effort for me to forgive me. The problem is I can’t ever look at him the same. Would I ever be able to trust him? We are supposed to get married soon. Can I live with this? Even though he has supported me a lot, I don’t know if I can do it.

    1. I’m a 34 year old woman. I was married to my husband for 10 years. The last three years of our marriage was really rocky. We were having money issues, and he was addicted to drugs. So from being a stay at home mom I had to go back to work. At this time we had 8 year old son. At my job I started an affair after three months of conversations with a black male. After 8 months I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I tried to work things out isn’t account when you went to church I believe the burden was too much for him knowing that I was going to have a biracial baby.

      I went to visit my mom for the weekend with my son. I came back and he committed suicide; I found him in the garage. I was three months pregnant. I have so many mixed emotions. It’s my fault that my sons father is no longer here with us, that I had such an negative impact on my husband taking his life. I blocked my daughter’s father from being in her life. I wanted nothing from him; I disliked his life style that he had. A month before she was born he came back and begged to be in her life. I agreed. My daughter turned a year Sep 24th and he has done nothing for her only came here to sleep with me. I tried to help him become a better person and get his feet back on the ground and all the time has used me bad, lied this whole time. He plays games. Am I wrong if I did not have a relationship with his daughter? I don’t know what to do; I’m not in a good place.

      1. Melissa, I’m so sad for you and for your son, in losing your husband this way –whether you were together, or not. I’m so sorry. As for your daughter’s father… there is nothing that says you have to let him into YOUR life. If he wants to see his daughter, and you can be assured that he will be with her in positive, and good ways, then that would seem like a good thing to do. But from what you have written, I certainly wouldn’t be alone with him or let him gain any ground in being with you alone in any way.

        Any contact would be ONLY on the subject of his daughter –nothing personal from there. He can arrange to call you before picking up his daughter so you can meet him on the front porch or at a designated public area, or a relatives house (yours or his) for the exchange, and then you leave or he does and brings her back on time to the front door (or again, a designated public area). He wouldn’t be allowed in the house because he has shown that he works to gain ground with you in personal ways when that is allowed.

        If he wants to see his daughter, then make it about that –not about anything else. Make it a “business only” deal –with your daughter being his business –not you, or he gets nothing. If you’re afraid of where this can go, then contact the courts to see what arrangement can be made so you don’t have to be at his mercy.

  29. Hi. We are Christians, married for 13 years with two under 8 year olds. I just found out my husband had an affair and there could be a possible pregnancy. The other woman stays in another town and is refusing to go for preggies test. I love my husband but don’t think I want to be a part of the whole child issue. I am asking for a divorce if the child is his. My hubby refuses to apologize or to cut contact with the other woman. Please advice.

    1. Hello sister. We are in no position to advise as we don’t have the full story and even if we did at the end of the day you need to figure out what you want and how much you believe you can handle. For the sake of your sanity I’d say contact your pastor or a Godly counsellor or therapist to help you find a way forward. In the meantime wait and see what happens. Is the baby your husband’s? You cannot make your husband feel remorse for his unfaithfulness and that is at the core. His unfaithfulness. And that’s what you need to check in your heart.

      Are you willing to forgive him despite this or not? How are you going to stay married and not have anything to do with his love child? As for me I pray for God’s leading and His peace in your lives. I pray He reveals Himself in this situation and takes control. I pray that God’s hand touches your husband and draws him close to Him. Strength and Love to you…

  30. My husband had an affair in 2006; we have been married since 2003 and we just found out this year that he has an 8 year old son only 3 months older than our son. And now my husband wants me to support him with this child. I told him I support you giving him money. But I cannot raise him as my husband stated he wanted to have his son (from the affair) by his side one day. He never even knew the child existed til recently.

    I also had two children before we got married. He knew that when we got married and he is constantly throwing that in my face saying I had kids. I say yes, but you knew that when we got married. I didn’t tell you to go have an affair and get a girl pregnant, that I wanted to raise that child… I didn’t break any vows, he did. Why do I have to live with the consequences? Am I wrong for not wanting this child to live with us? This child is not even in this USA; he lives in EL Salvador.

    1. Ann Marie, your partner knew you had 2 kids before the two of you got together. You expected him to love your children. That is an easy expectation for you to have, and if he did so, “wonderful”. Now you found out he had cheated on you. Maybe there are 3 questions you should ask yourself: 1.Can I forgive my husband for having had an affair? 2.Was he a good father to the 2 children you brought into this marriage and the child you created together, and did he treat all equal? 3.Do you still feel the same about your husband since you found out he fathered another child without him even knowing he had another son?

      All your husband knew was, he cheated on you and nothing more. I understand it is quite a bit to ask to be excepting of finding out he had an affair and a child, and a whole lot more for him to ask you to bring this child into your and children’s life. That is a huge chunk to swallow, however it is not the child’s fault. That boy had nothing to do with the infidelity of your husband and should not be punished, but neither should you as a reminder of his infidelity.

      You did not mention if the other woman is married and if this child also has a stepfather. If so, then I would believe it would be better for your husband to give financial support, write letters and share pictures between him and this son as well as your family. Let the other child know he is not rejected; but causing this child and your children a disruption to what your children and this child knew for the past 8 years, I don’t think is a good idea. Your husband’s former mistress must have had a reason why she didn’t share such important news with your husband almost 10 yrs. ago when they both created that child together.

  31. Thank you, this is helpful. My husband cheated on me and has a child from his mistress. It’s very painful for me. Thank you for the spiritual advice, I really needed that too.

  32. My husband of 12 years is having a child with the woman he had an affair with for a year and a half. I’m so hurt. I cry almost every day. He doesn’t want me to go. But I feel betrayed. I haven’t told anybody not even my Pastor. I don’t understand how good people get hurt. I’m really ashamed to tell my Pastor or my family. I don’t want to hear you’re stupid for staying. The other woman is being mean saying I’m having his child and you not. I don’t want bad to happened to the baby but I know life’s not fair. I pray she must know as she stated she’s a month pregnant that all goes well. I feel you shouldn’t act PROUD after sleeping with someone’s husband. Please pray for me.

    1. I feel your pain. On January 5, 2016. I just found out through a private FB message, that my husband has an 8 month old. Doing the math the baby was conceived right before we got married. I was crushed. I’m still going through. We’re in counseling now… I understand why there are shows dedicated to violent behavior after something like this comes out. Some may argue with me about this but Ishmael was not the son of the promise, Issac was, and with that said God sent Ishmael to grow up in the other corner of the earth, and so it will be the case in my situation.

      My husband’s ex-concubine will be introduced once again to single motherhood. This is her 4th child out-of-wedlock as her punishment, and my husband will have to cut her a check for the next 18 years as his. Clean cannot dwell with the unclean. This woman is not a believer; she has a totally different set of values. She nor her child will intermingle with my future children. I won’t have it. And that will be the end of that.

      And through discussions with his ex-concubine, after she realized that he was staying with me, it appears that she wants the money. I expressed to her that I forgave her, and she was unregretful and even tried to hurl insults at me, the victim…? There needs to be a bigger discussion surrounding women who think this behavior is Ok. In my dealings to be Christian with this ex-concubine it’s clear that she wants a relationship with him, for trying to destroy our relationship before we got married, she knew we were getting married… smh.

      I will not feel less than or cheated out of the life I deserve. I have no children. My husband had 3 children in his first marriage. This will be a fourth. He wants to save our marriage, so I’m demanding what I deserve. See ladies, when you take time out to develop yourself first, and care of yourself, when you’re independent, you can truly make independent decisions with a clear mind. Don’t be half of a person when you get married. Be a full complete person, whole in Christ.

      I’m staying with my husband not out of necessity or for survival, or financial. I’m staying b/c he’s remorseful and God has placed it on my heart to forgive. I’m tired of reading posts that suggest that forgiveness means you have to deal with the baby. That’s not going to be my life… at least not right now until God directs me otherwise. In the meantime stay prayed up. Read the Bible. The stories are there for guidance. Read about Abraham. Read About David. Love you ladies. And praying for healing. But keep it all the way real in here :) … And yes I hurt sometimes. But the sun’s coming out and with each day. I’m choosing to be happy. I choose to walk in my God given destiny.

  33. I have been with my husband for 12 years. We have 2 boys ages 7 and 8. I found out 2 years ago he had a 1 year old baby girl and I still can’t fully accept it. It hurts to know someone else gave your husband his first little girl and I think about it daily. It’s hard for me to trust him but I’m trying. I just want to know how I can get over it if I continued to stay.