When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

Dollar Photo Newborn baby touching his mother handWhat do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?

These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions from time to time, and they’re very, very tough ones! It’s difficult to even know how to start, but we’re going to attempt to do so, because it’s a situation that needs to be dealt with.

As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.

We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure, and then there are some things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.

Some things that are for sure are:

• The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop. God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.

“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).

• Each day can bring a new beginning. And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.

“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).

• There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin, and yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.

“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:10).

The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair. Prayerfully consider what he advises:

“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”

“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”

“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”

You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.

On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.

There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.

You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article (we personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below). But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do (and don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life).

To read an article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley, please click onto the link provided below:

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT

Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:

WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR

To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:

CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN

And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast, where Bob and talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:

A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Also, if you can give additional information and insights
to help others who will be reading this article,
or you want to share requests for prayer,
please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity

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Comments

400 responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair

  1. Mine is a whole complicated issue that I battle with everyday of my life. I found myself in a rather complicated situation as I found myself married to a man who has a terminal disease and as such could not have children. He has children from his previous girlfriends and also has been married before. I found myself trapped because I needed children and we couldn’t afford to have such medical assistance.

    Later in the marriage I found out that my husband hasn’t been honest about his finances, which also caused a strain in our marriage though I still believed we could make it work. As time went I grew desperate for a child. I had never cheated on ma husband. I was constantly suspected of cheating and verbally abused all because he was 17 years older than me, sick and broke. I never even thought of cheating, until one day I met a guy who was younger than me and he started befriending me. He didn’t hide it that he liked me and at first the thought of a younger guy disgusted me, but he started giving me too much attention, complementing me on my looks, the way I dress.

    I found myself thinking about this young man, and started fantasizing about him giving me a child. After maybe 6 months of developing a ‘friendship’ with this young man I fell for him and got pregnant by him. I was so happy that I forgot I was married to someone else. All the men I had known in my life have never been able to give me a child now this…i thought to myself. It was easy for me to deceive my husband who was quietly amused at the idea of having a baby. He asked me how it happened since we always use protection. I lied. I told him it was a miracle.

    I feel bad everyday. My husband told himself he couldn’t question God’s ways, and accepted the pregnancy. My love for my lover grew. He was there for me during pregnancy (we are colleagues) and my husband was there for me too. My child is 2 years old now. I have only affection for my lover, and problems in my marriage continue. My husband continues to be abusive. I tried to get a divorce and he threatens to take my child away (he is a very good father through all this).

    Recently my lover broke up with me because I wouldn’t leave my husband, but still asks a lot after his child. I keep asking myself why I never told the truth from the beginning. I’m scared that if I tell my husband he would hurt me (he has started being physical). I have no one to talk to, but this is eating me up. I need God’s intervention. I can’t understand why I was in this position, why I wasn’t given a chance to have kids with my husband. It’s all a mess, but I also feel I did right because I need to have children. My husband has now what was I to do. I still want one more child and my lover keeps asking me when he will have his child. What should I do? I don’t love this man I’m married to. I know I have no future with this young man but I want him to have a relationship with his child. Is it even fair for my child not to know his real father? It’s all a huge mess.

  2. I am a married man who had an affair 15 years ago. My wife and I of 30 years were having problems. I ran into a childhood friend. She was in an abusive relationship. I was in a what I thought was a bad marriage. Well, I worked it out with my wife and all’s good. Then I came home and found out that me and my childhood friend had sex one time and she got pregnant. But she moved in with a new man and he thought the child was his. I get called to take DNA test and found the child is mine. But I love my wife more than I ever did. I hurt her so bad she thinks it was a long time affair. One bad choice and I am about lose the love of my life. Our children are grown and the other child is 16yrs old now and in jail on drug charges. Love is not there. Pray for me as I don’t want to lose my good and faithful wife.

  3. I am a wife of a cheating husband; we have been together for 10 years and came into the marriage with children already. We both decided not to have more children together because there was 8 between us already. He has 5 and I have 3. Well last year he had an affair and the woman got pregnant. I was devastated, but I tried working out my marriage because I love him so much. I told him that the only way to start building on the trust in our marriage is that he is going to have to tell his lover in front of me that their relationship is over and I would need to be present when he picks the child up or talk to the childs mother over the phone. He thinks that its a bit much, I agree but it was a bit much when he had an affair on me and to top it off, didn’t use protection.

    At one point I felt God telling me to stay in my marriage, most of our children are adults now the last two are 17 and 15, so it’s not for the kids. But now I’m not sure if I have the same love that I once had for him. I value the sanicty of marriage and I truly don’t want to get a divorce and start over. I was willing to accept the child at one point, but when my husband continued to talk to the woman behind my back, it caused more hurt, pain and distrust. We are now separated and she is due to have her baby any day now, very close to our anniversary date of April 16th.

    I am really into my feelings right now and I don’t know what to do… my husband wants to continue to communicate with me and it’s hard for me to not talk to him. I signed up for a dating site and there are a lot of men interested in me, but I’m not interested in dating anyone other than my husband. But right now I don’t even want to be around him. I’m a Christian and I know the things that I am to do, but it’s so hard when you’re going through the situation, to encourage yourself. I have never slept with another man since I married my husband and I am not even tempted to have an affair. I thought that maybe I could so I could hurt him as much as he hurt me, so I signed up for the site. But the Holy Spirit quickly convicted me.

    I guess my issue is, God has not released my husband from my heart in order for me to move forward, God is keeping me here for a reason, but I don’t know why. Is it to much for me to ask my husband to have an open relationship with this child’s mother in front of me? I can’t take the other way because it makes my mind wander to far off and it causes me to stress out. I truly don’t want to be disobedient to God if he wants me to stay married. I need prayer and a healing today because it has been going on far to long and I was not expecting to be here dealing with this at this point in my life…

    1. Who knows how it feels, I think I am still in shock. I have a 7 month old baby, only to have found out that my hudband of 7 years, together for 11, has been involved with a woman for two year’s and now has a three month old baby. It feels like a dagger has been pierced through my heart. I found him cheating with this women, I phoned her and spoke with her. I thought that they had called it off. It only took me snooping on her social media to see she had a baby. When I confronted him, he denied it for three weeks until he finally cracked and confessed. All the thought’s of him picking out baby things with this women and being with her throughout her labour, whilst I was taking care of our baby is painful. He claims that he told her I was having a baby, then she told she told him he does not need to use protection, as she is taking birth control, and the fool fell for it. One thing you have to ask yourself is, Can I live with it???? The child is for a lifetime. Time is a healer, God will comfort us and the children throughout this difficult time.

  4. It’s there in black and white, you know what to do: Leviticus 20:10; If a man commits adultery with the wife of his neighbor, both the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

  5. I want some insight for my own situation. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. Five years into the marriage I found out he had been cheating on me with a sister in the church who was very close to us. It was hard trying to move past it. We have a total of 4 children together so as a mother I’ve tried to be strong to forgive and build my family; it’s not been an easy road.

    I knew the day I said ‘I do’ to someone, I never wanted to be a statistic of divorce. I was young, my mind was made up, and he was a church kid just as I was. I had become pregnant and found out 5 months into the pregnancy it was twins. After I delivered them I went back to the hospital for my check up and I’m 4 weeks pregnant. So at the age of 23 years I’m a wife, mother of 3, I worked and went to school on and off.

    It appeared nothing was wrong with our sex life. In 2011 my husband became very distant, when he didn’t want me around he would start an argument to leave. He decided he wasn’t going to the pay bills or give me money at this time. He wanted to argue all the time and just pick on me for little stuff. So I began to back away from him because I didn’t understand. Then he comes to me and says I’m being silly so I’m gonna move out. I didn’t care because I was never raised to take care of a grown man, so I said ok. He packed his things and I came home from work one day and he was gone.

    Then the phone calls began. A friend called and said “Hay are you still married? I know we don’t talk much but my husband saw your husband out with another lady”. I was devastated. They just kept coming from different people. My kids would go over on the weekend and come back next saying things like “dad’s girlfriend”. So I drew up divorce papers. He didn’t sign them so I forged his name and paid. But then he wouldn’t go talk to the class involving children in a divorce, so it was denied. He kept this up for 11 months. Then on Valentines day weekend, he moves his things back in while I’m at work and ask me to meet him at a restaurant and gives an excuse that it was all my fault.
    In 2014 my husband started getting weird but this time it was different, he was buying me anything I wanted, taking me on random dates. I could never get him to do wedding rings so I gave up on that, what women just don’t want a ring or want her man to wear one.

    He takes me to pick out a ring, he buys it, I was floored, he never got one. I asked, are you ok, he says well I have something to tell you. I wasn’t honest about the girl I’v been having a problem with, I cut her off when I came back home but I was miserable so I was still messing with her and now she’s pregnant and I’m the suspected father.
    I have been checked out for the passed year, I have no idea what to do. I can’t pray, I can’t hear, I can’t really feel. I’m just like a robot right now, my heart is dark and lonely, we had a child between this time as well that is now 3 years old. I am so tired, I just wanna take my kids and relocate and start my life over somewhere else, and free myself from this man so that someone with integrity and wisdom and honesty can find me. Now all of a sudden he loves me so much and he doesn’t want me to leave him. Now he wants his family.

    I have never slept around on my husband period, he is all I know. I don’t think I could forgive myself for such a thing but I’m beginning to think I’m missing out on something, I know God wouldn’t let me do such a thing if I wanted to. I feel violated by my husband because he’s been with someone else without my knowledge. None of this time we never stopped having sex, even when he moved out. Everything he said were all lies, but this baby now proves other wise and I feel stupid. He is just a liar and it took me 15 years to find out that when anyone has said something wrongful about him, he has been able to wiggle out of it and turn them into liars, but this time the truth can’t be made a lie. Someone please help me.

  6. I read Raymond’s advice to the couple of women who went through the same problem I find myself in. My husband got another woman pregnant and the baby is now 5 months. My husband has apologised but I just hate him for this. He wants to work things out but I cannot find internal peace to deal with this nor forgive them, it’s even worse when I see this other women with the child. Please help.

  7. I found out about my husband’s affair Thanksgiving of last year through Facebook messenger stating that she and my husband had (at that time) an 8 month old daughter together. Devastating to me I felt like my world had come to an end. My world as I knew of it was no longer the same. I have given this man 4 beautiful children and 23 years of my life and this is what I get!!

    It’s been 5 months now and I’ve asked him to get a DNA test before Christmas then for New Years then for my birthday in February and again this month (April) I shouldn’t have to ask him to do what he should’ve done before I found out. This time it was a big argument of why he hadn’t done it sooner. Why do I have to ask if you schedule the test. I feel like he’s still cheating on me with the mother of this child. I don’t want to be in this marriage of 23 years another week without knowing the results. The mother has posted their pictures all over Facebook for the world to see so Embarrassing! You don’t know the embarrassment behind this.

    I know it’s not the child’s fault I get that, but the mother on the other hand is the issue. How do I deal with her and her attitude towards me. I didn’t know anything about her just the we’ve shared the same man for a couple of years and she’s my oldest sons age, however she knew a lot about me…(crazy) how do I deal with the mother?