When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written because I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First, to the men who are struggling because their wife doesn’t respond to your approaches. I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I can guess, and I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue, but not being a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly (who along with his wife Lori, have a web site called The Marriage Bed —Paul also has web site called The Generous Husband), and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (and you may even want to question him about this matter):

WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT

NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX

THE SIN OF BUSYNESS

And then Neil Black, on the web site, Power to Change, wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2

I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

And for wives who are saying no to having sex with your husbands, I realize that this is a complex issue, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband with some of them being lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any loving, physical contact with him, pornography issues —either his or yours, where satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where you’re just plain too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children and job obligations, household chores, etc. Lori Byerly, of The-generous-wife.com wrote a blog on this, that you may find insightful (I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions):

GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER BEFORE SAYING YES

These issues are also addressed in other topics of this web site (with links provided to others). Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer, but I believe you will find the inspiration and at least some help to make necessary changes so you save at least a part of your energy to connect with your marriage partner.

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers, which remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation. I write a bit about it in the article:

• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY

If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound

WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT

There may be other issues, such as addictions (yours and/or his), and bitterness over marriage situations (we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well).

But whatever it is, please work on it. They say that “whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues, pertaining to our sex life together, but when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed or your husband has changed in your libido or your desire in wanting to make love. Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him have his way, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” Ultimately, that won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. If you look in the Bible, you see throughout it, that we’re told it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You know deep in your heart if you’re asking more of him than you should —letting him know that he won’t get it from you. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful. That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and has sexual desires that won’t quit plaguing him.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. It’s not that I needed to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I was wrong in not getting the help that I needed so we didn’t stay stuck in that place for as long as we were.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “he just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

And yes, it wouldn’t have been too much for some of that to happen, where he could “control himself” for a period of time while I was in therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. He COULDN’T understand. He had never been abused in that way. He couldn’t have known the depth of pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I needed to get help so I could work through my issues and we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something I expected from him without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners and I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and yet not be with me either. I feel that is true in most every marriage.

If there are physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it isn’t something that can be resolved (and you’re truthful —that it really can’t be resolved), then find other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative. Keep in mind that the important thing is that you are together, man and wife, without any other human being involved (physically or visually). This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

As I admitted before, there was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy I was married to. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I got help and we eventually came together and have loved on each other since.

But even so, even though my past is not an issue any longer, there have been a few dry spells where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband has. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner, and the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as understanding better the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s an important one —especially to the marital partner who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially most women) realize.

God showed me that when my husband needed to be close to me in that way, to try to never deny him. Sure there are some times when I fall to bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, when he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time (and then I make sure it’s soon). My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

And if it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. I know that there is a spiritual component mixed into the intimate time my husband and I have together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it, but as I pray and concentrate on giving love to my husband —lavishing him with love that comes from a heart filled with the love of God, eventually, I’m totally into it. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. It becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He sure does!

And here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire, that I ran across, that I though you may find helpful (I sure have):

“How often have you done this: you’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ The silly thing is that if you had started in the beginning, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.

“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! If you’re mentally excited, your body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too, but please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that is standing in the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this important way.

I want to close with something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). He is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. He can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You behind now to work in me.”

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

210 responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

  1. Thank you for this piece of knowledge. Recently I had this enlarged pituitary gland issue, which affected my sexual life so much that I couldn’t satisfy my wife for months. I used enhancement pills, reduced my weight and did everything to end that plague but couldn’t untill I consulted medical assistance.

    But now, after I got cured, I feel like making love to my wife everyday or at least 3-4 times a week. The problem now is, she has changed. She has stopped the way she used to ask me for sex. These days I beg her for sex for days and weeks but she won’t give in. Sometimes I feel like cheating on her but I can’t because of God. In a nutshell, I feel trapped in this marriage because of this. What do I do because she thinks I’m a man and should be able to control myself but in summary, I’m fed up. She’s been saying she’ll go to hospital but not that serious in doing so. I’m really really fed up now.

  2. Every individual marriage is different. But my problem is that my husband feels this need every time I’m busy. I devote my morning to him. Why is it I have to give in to all his needs? He always ends up getting upset and tells me I do it deliberately to hurt him, which is not the case. He is so clueless, and neither will he listen to any one. Help!!!

    1. Hi. I read your comment and I would like to reply. Being a man I like that my wife behaves as I want when I want. I suggest you, that you do as your husband wants. Give him the time what he wants. Do as he wants. If he wants you to be the first to ask for love/sex, so go ahead. Try to read his mind before he speaks. Men are very easy to handle. Sometimes men like that their wife handle them like a child. Men suffer a lot in the outside world, and feel it difficult to make their wife and kids happy all the time with the outside world’ difficulties. It is a matter of a few moments. Once you do as he likes, you will see he will not ask you any more. He will feel confident that you love and care about him. That’s all what a man wants. Sometime you may decline your demand or wish. Try to be happy with less. Hope it helps.

    2. If your husband needs you when you are busy, make a plan and be ready when he asks. Leave everything and join him. It will happen only for a few times. Soon he will understand your love. Keep in mind, husbands are more happy to have you when you say no. Life is in a flux. Same routine never works always. Try on changing and keep flexible timings. You will also enjoy it a lot. These are hidden treasures of married life. You should try this. You will feel like best the lady in world.

  3. Even from a husband’s standpoint who is going through this currently, my wife told me today and that it’s possible that she may never want it again, I get what you are saying. I can’t however bring this up to her as she will see that as me being needy. So for now, prayer is my only resource and hope is believing that the Lord will lead us through.

  4. Have not really experienced sex in my marriage since my 30s. I’m 58 now. Wife has multiple physical problems and no interest. Anytime I have or express desire, it is, and remains, my problem to cope with by myself, with God. It is frustrating, sad, disappointing, and almost torturous. There’s really no help for me other than God’s grace to endure … and it is very tempting to become very bitter with Him about it and turn to fantasy to angrily satisfy my physical desire. I’ve learned that is a hugely destructive choice, no matter how good it may feel in the moment. Guys like me need to believe God will somehow make life worth it experientially in some way, at some time.

    1. I cannot think of any reason why a wife would choose to withhold rather than choose to give and make people happy. It’s absolutely sickening. Demands over giving are never good. It’s extremely selfish.

  5. I have been married for 10 years and my sex life is as low as low can be. My wife ever since she gave birth to our daughter has forgotten that our sex life exists. She stopped using sexy underwear and really she has never used anything sexy as I can recall. I have even started to think that my wife is a lesbian. The act of abstinence is the most selfish act any human being can impose on another. I am getting me a girlfriend.

  6. So glad to hear your story; this is what happened to me and my wife. I’m going to share with her this story and most importantly God is in all problem. God bless you.

  7. I don’t know how to deal with it. She has forsaken the one she promised to forsake all others for; that’s no way to treat the one you love. She expects me to be loyal, and give up sex? I like sex with her… she does not.

  8. It all comes down to selfishness; that is what keeps a person from giving. People should always give up SELF as Jesus gave Himself for His Bride. His bride denies her SELF for Jesus just as the wife denies her SELF for her husband.

  9. I understand being positive but there isn’t much that is positive to say if this is a problem in your marriage. It is in mine. My wife has indicated she has no interest. She has the energy but isn’t interested. My choices are to cheat, leave or accept the misery of being with her.

  10. I really wish I could pray for the desire but I can’t. I grew up being taught that birth control is a sin. And I don’t want to have children so I would basically be asking God to help me feel desire to sin. So now what?

    1. You sound conflicted. There are two weeks in the cycle where you’re not fertile and there fore not able to conceive. It has to be tracked regularly but sex is possible. Are there other things?

  11. Thank you for this article. I am a married woman who is 54, and 7 years into menopause. My sex drive has died, but I want to be intimate with my husband and realize how important sex is in a marriage. I cannot have intercourse but do things to bring him physical pleasure. Unfortunately, this is not enough for him. He now no longer wants sex unless I have pleasure in it, I mean an orgasm. I try to explain that I have pleasure without needing an orgasm. I like the intimacy.

    Now, we haven’t had sex in 2.5 weeks because I’m begging God to give me desire so he’ll be happy and be intimate again. He stopped hugging and kissing me years ago so sex is the only way I can get affection. It’s so weird and I find the more he pushes me to “find pleasure” the less I want to try. I can’t help how I feel, so I too feel trapped. It’s selfish to not give of yourself and I don’t want to do that.

    I know God is honored when we serve him through our spouses. Marriage is hard and our sex crazed culture doesn’t help. I feel bad for the men who have commented about their wives just saying “no”. I don’t think I’ve done that, but if you ask my husband, he would say I have. I sometimes think he wants me to feel like I have failed so he can control the situation and feel safe. Blaming me in easier than accepting responsibility. I’m just sad and pray for a healed marriage in every way.

  12. My wife doesn’t want sex, hasn’t wanted it for 10 years. I’ve tried everything I can think of, but nothing has generated any lasting change. My mother in law told my wife ON OUR WEDDING DAY to always remember the one who loves least has the most power. Gee, thanks “mom”! I didn’t think it mattered at the time because wife and I loved each other. But now my wife has come around to mom’s ways. I feel so sad and hopeless about my marriage.

    I have no where to go and don’t want to lose or hurt my kids either. I don’t know what I did wrong or why this is happening. I’ve given everything I have or will ever have to our marriage. I have nothing left to give or to lose. Marriage for me is a fraud and a lie. Sorry I’m not being positive, but how can I be positive and honest about this?

  13. This issue goes both ways. Many husbands refuse sex with thier wives also. Many times it is a passive aggressive act of hostility coming from the refusing partner. I know I lived it and suffered as a faithful wife.

    1. My wife isn’t interested at all. I have had to sleep in different beds now for years. it was my choice. It solved the feeling of frustration and feeling unloved. I’ve spoken to her and because it’s not a problem to her then it’s not important. I too feel like having an affair but it’s not the answer, is it?I’m sitting here on Valentines Day and feel very sad and old. I’m 49.