Marriage Missions International

When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

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Pixabay.com

I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written because I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First, to the men who are struggling because their wife doesn’t respond to your approaches. I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I can guess, and I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue, but not being a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly (who along with his wife Lori, have a web site called The Marriage Bed —Paul also has web site called The Generous Husband), and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (and you may even want to question him about this matter):

WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT

NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX

THE SIN OF BUSYNESS

And then Neil Black, on the web site, Power to Change, wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2

I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

And for wives who are saying no to having sex with your husbands, I realize that this is a complex issue, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband with some of them being lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any loving, physical contact with him, pornography issues —either his or yours, where satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where  you’re just plain too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children and job obligations, household chores, etc. Lori Byerly, of The-generous-wife.com wrote a blog on this, that you may find insightful (I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions):

GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER BEFORE SAYING YES

These issues are also addressed in other topics of this web site (with links provided to others). Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer, but I believe you will find the inspiration and at least some help to make necessary changes so you save at least a part of your energy to connect with your marriage partner.

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers, which remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation. I write a bit about it in the article:

• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY

If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound

WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT

There may be other issues, such as addictions (yours and/or his), and bitterness over marriage situations (we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well).

But whatever it is, please work on it. They say that “whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues, pertaining to our sex life together, but when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed or your husband has changed in your libido or your desire in wanting to make love. Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him have his way, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” Ultimately, that won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. If you look in the Bible, you see throughout it, that we’re told it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You know deep in your heart if you’re asking more of him than you should —letting him know that he won’t get it from you. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful. That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and has sexual desires that won’t quit plaguing him.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. It’s not that I needed to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I was wrong in not getting the help that I needed so we didn’t stay stuck in that place for as long as we were.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “he just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

And yes, it wouldn’t have been too much for some of that to happen, where he could “control himself” for a period of time while I was in therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. He COULDN’T understand. He had never been abused in that way. He couldn’t have known the depth of pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I needed to get help so I could work through my issues and we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something I expected from him without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners and I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and yet not be with me either. I feel that is true in most every marriage.

If there are physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you cant be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it isn’t something that can be resolved (and you’re truthful —that it really can’t be resolved), then find other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative. Keep in mind that the important thing is that you are together, man and wife, without any other human being involved (physically or visually). This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

As I admitted before, there was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy I was married to. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I got help and we eventually came together and have loved on each other since.

But even so, even though my past is not an issue any longer, there have been a few dry spells where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband has. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner, and the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as understanding better the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s an important one —especially to the marital partner who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially most women) realize.

God showed me that when my husband needed to be close to me in that way, to try to never deny him. Sure there are some times when I fall to bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, when he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time (and then I make sure it’s soon). My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

And if it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. I know that there is a spiritual component mixed into the intimate time my husband and I have together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it, but as I pray and concentrate on giving love to my husband —lavishing him with love that comes from a heart filled with the love of God, eventually, I’m totally into it. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. It becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He sure does!

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too, but please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that is standing in the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this important way.

I want to close with something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). He is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. He can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You behind now to work in me.”

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Comments

123 Responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex”
  1. Vance from United States says:

    They no longer feel they have to be sensual or sexual. Men on pause, hormones, they are fat and or skinny and out of shape. Thin does not mean sexy or in shape. They got ya and many men are in the same category as the women. They have just given up and it is disgusting.

  2. Amy from United States says:

    It’s not me the wife not wanting sex, it’s my husband that doesn’t want any sex from me. Our problem started the day after our wedding night, we had sex and it was clumsy because neither one of us had sex before. I thought it was OK I guess, but my husband had other ideas, he hated it and thought it was disgusting and in human thing that two people could do to each other. To him it was disgusting, vile, smelly, messy, not worth the effort and time plus he got nothing out of it. He told me he never wanted sex again, that was 45 years ago. He won’t talk to me or associate with me, he eats and sleeps in the basement where he has live all 45 years. He works constantly on the midnight shift hasn’t any friends, no TV, radio, computer, phone, books he’s a hermit. He has long ugly hair, beard and dresses in old polyester pants, shirts with no buttons a real slob.

    He isn’t gay or pokin some little hottie some where. I had him followed many times and they say he’s not doing anything out the ordinary. I should have left years ago, I didn’t have money or any where to go, and this is my fault. I got used to being treated like crap and wasted my life away. Here I’m going on 68 and things will never change for me, not enough money and no where to go.

    • The Truth from Brazil says:

      You have a screwed up life (no offense) but there is nothing normal about that. He needs medical attention… He sounds like a serial killer.

    • Duane from United States says:

      Amy, I mourn with you. I thought my relationship had issues after 23 years of marriage. Know The Lord Yeshua the Christ sees all and our time on this earth is but a grain of sand on a beach compared to eternity. Focus on The Lord even more and keep the faith. I’m sorry I don’t have great words to comfort you. Stay in the word (Bible) and know Yeshua is Lord.

  3. EdwardO from United States says:

    To the original author, I want to thank you for a really great article. In reading the comments, it is obvious that many saw this as blaming either the wife or the husband. What I read was a call to invest in our sex lives with the same committment as anything else in our lives (both men and women).

    I have been a husband for 18 years and struggled with our sex life for all those years, despite being a strong Christian and even a pastor for many years. During our dating time, my wife pursued me sexually and as much as I tried to say “let’s wait”, there is only so much a 20 year old male can be tempted with and not give in. We ended up having a sexual relationship for a period of time, but did stop for a time before we were married. I was so excited that once we got married, I would not have to deal with sexual issues. Well, it wasn’t long before her desire for sex disappeared and now I think fondly on those days. I don’t know what to tell my son, who is now a teenager. The Godly answer is “wait for marriage” and of course I believe that, but in my own life, pre-marital sex was better.

    I feel as if I need to say that I help around the house, hold a good job, NOT abusive, NO drinking, and do love my wife and think she’s very sexy. So, what’s my end point? This is a huge issue for Christians and we need to really TALK about it in our churches. I don’t feel like I can share this side of my life, and my wife and I need to keep up appearances of having a good, whole marriage. Why can’t I say I struggle to my church friends? Why can’t I say that I have sought out sexual relationships? (Haven’t actually done anything.) Why can’t I let on that I’m tempted every day to look at porn? That I look at other women and wonder what their sex life is? These are all temptations that God should help me with, so why do I struggle all the time? In the article, it says a man can feel trapped and I TOTALLY do. Why am I a part of a great church, but only feel I can be real in the comments section of an online article?

    If any other men who read this want to chat online and try and help each other in a Godly way, I would be happy to talk.

    • Joe from United States says:

      Good talk, we are in the same situation.

    • Mark from United States says:

      I feel the exact same way. Your comment was dead on. I have been married almost 13 years and haven’t had any sex with my wife in about 3 Months. No one to talk to about it.

    • Nick from United States says:

      EdwardO, I’m in the EXACT same position as you. My wife and I just went through a 3 month drought. I’m 34 years old and have been married to her for 12 years now. To be honest, she has nagged me to the point of near insanity. I’m such a calm and easy going person that used to be incapable of getting mad, but now she can set me off into a rage.

      We were both very attractive before we got married and our sex life was great. We still are attractive now but she rarely wants to have sex. It seems like I’m always trying to be nice to her and do what she wants but she gets mad when I try to get intimate with her. I can’t be the perfect guy she wants me to be.

      Anyways, I don’t know if I can accept the lifelong celibacy. I’m almost to the point of shutting down on her and giving up. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is not attracted to me and wants to treat me like a roommate? I really do love her but I just don’t feel she loves me in that way anymore. I can’t leave though, for we have two beautiful boys together. I would rather be miserable in a relationship than to not be there fully for my kids. I just don’t know what to do, if anything

      • Nelson from Canada says:

        Hang tough pal, my wife and I have not been intimate in seven months, we sleep in separate rooms as she has slept with our daughter for the last three years. She is on anti depressants so has little to no sex drive. It would be okay if she was kind to me but she is a critic and I can never do anything right. I was thinking the same as you I could never leave because of our daughter but she watches tv shows that are rated for a 13 year old and they go to bed between 9 and 10, my daughter is five and these are not positive behaviors. Good luck, it’s hard to say what is right; I have no clue.

    • Kc from United States says:

      I’m right there with you. We’ve been married for only 6 months and haven’t had sex in 5. My wife had a terrible experience on our wedding night and has flat out told me that she won’t have sex with me. I’m also a pastor, and feel as though I have no one to talk to about it. I’ve tried everything to try to change the situation. We weren’t sexually active before we got married but we messed around before marriage. Now I can’t even touch my wife in a remotely sensual way with out being told to stop, that I’m annoying her. It’s hard to not turn to things I shouldn’t. I’m completely at a loss.

      • Genesis from United States says:

        I’m sad to read all of your stories. I too am in a similar boat. I’ve been with my wife for 5 years, married for 2 of those years. I love my wife so very much. She’s the light of my world. But our intimacy is at nothing less than a slow crawl of that. I’m lucky if we make love once a month. If it goes longer than a month and I mention hey, we haven’t had sex in 8 weeks (or more sometimes) I get “you’re counting?” Like I’m in the wrong. I don’t know what to do. She’s tearing our relationship to shreds and driving me to constant porn and doesn’t even care. Half the time she just lays there and isn’t in the moment at all. I don’t know what to do. I love her and I question myself thinking if I just file for separation maybe it will be a wake up call. Who knows. Anyway, that’s my miserable story.

      • Erik from Canada says:

        I hear you, I had (have?) the exact same experience. First months after we got married it was all fine and dandy. After that, it was 9 months of nothing; she wouldn’t even sleep in the same bed. I went weeks without really seeing her. I would get up for work before her, and go to bed before she came back. On the weekends, she would go and party and then be hung over. Then one day it sudden changed… for a little while.

        But, now we are back at the beginning. She won’t cuddle; if I try, I’m bugging her. At one point I tried getting her to go to counselling with me, but she refused.

        To add insult to injury, I found out this summer she had sent topless pictures to some DJ from a club, and was busy telling another guy she loved him and couldn’t wait to make him hers. So much for 7th Day Adventist.

    • MarkA from United States says:

      A lot of your post could have been written by me! We’ve been married 19. It’s been nearly two years since we had sex. Was over a year prior to that one blissful month in between. Best as I can tell she hasn’t been unfaithful and doesn’t masterbate. Just says she has absolutely no desire but laughs at the idea of seeing a doctor about it. I’ve been working hard on making myself the best person possible. “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and “Mindful Attraction Plan” (books), dressing and grooming better, becoming more confident and not needy, being helpful at home while still being the breadwinner and doing fun stuff on my own that re-energizes me.

      We sleep in different rooms. Won’t even let me kiss her goodbye. We’re roommates going through the motions and I’m tired of it. We don’t really fight, there’s just nothing else there. Getting ready to shake things up -I need my WIFE back, not a roommate. She has said before I don’t do enough of the little things (gentle touches, etc) yet when I do she literally pushes away -and I mean literally. I know I didn’t offer you any help, other than to say you’re not alone brother!

    • Phattdadee from United States says:

      Edward and all others..I thought someone was writing an article about my wife and I. I believe one of my spiritual gifts is praying. You can be sure I’m praying for you and your wife! I’m holding on to the fact that NOTHING is to hard for our God! Absolutely NOTHING!!

    • Harry from Australia says:

      Hi Edward, I’m in a similar situation as you. I’ve been to Bible college etc and love the Lord but that doesn’t help me so much in this department. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a male. My wife lays in bed all the time, almost 24/7 but she does not want me. I don’t want to commit adultery as I don’t want to do the wrong thing. You cannot have self sex as that is fornication, you cannot look at another woman as that is also adultery. You suffer if you do, and suffer if you don’t. I wish the Lord didn’t include sex in our lives as it is at times too much to bear. Hope to hear from you sometimes. -HH

  4. John from United States says:

    Excellent article. Thank you

  5. Terri from United States says:

    Thank you for this article. I have never thought about praying about having desire, but I will now!

  6. Johannes from Chile says:

    Ref: Sexual health of elderly single men, elderly men… and clergymen …are likely to suffer prostate cancer, unless they care to effectively prevent it. Apart from a healthy diet; i.e. low in animal meats/fats, lots of fruit, Vegies and Omega 3 rich fish, Nature’s laws compel us as well to fulfill our physical true needs systematically, regularly and adequately. Of course this includes our sexual needs, since our libido or sexual drive is derived from inherited, evolutionary biological urges. Common sense and personal life experiences tell me that neglecting any one of our physical needs can only be detrimental to our health and wellbeing.

    Thus, regular sex is vital, for it helps to protect all men against prostate cancer and a good excuse to enjoy it more often! Medically viewed, it is obvious that stagnant sperm, stored at +37°C, will be subjected to bacterial decomposition. For the same reason we are advised to every time completely empty our bladder, as to eliminate bacteria activity and infections. Regular stools etc. are also required. Thus, I wonder: what makes some of us think regular sex is unnecessary?

    Furthermore, I believe that the level of our sex drive indicates our overall health; i.e. low sex drive or sudden, prolonged diminishing sex drive is the first event to occur before the onset of a serious chronic or even fatal illness.

    Frequency: As with anything physical, best is to allow nature to decide the frequency of use, for our fantasies and desires invariably lead us to error, abuse and decreased satisfaction. Men, suffering from perversions, depend largely on human interaction to overcome their psychological imposition in order to fulfill their fantasies, for the lack of it causes sexual dysfunction. In addition, men in relationships based physical (rather than emotional) inequality resent the libido curve of their wife’s sexual desire after menopause, and that also leads to sexual dysfunction. It is, because the libido curve of men decreases very gradually and lasts well into old age.

    There are indeed numerous occasions in which one feels sexually disinterested. It might be one is single, in old age or in bad health. Young, single men are less likely to suffer from lack of regular sexual activities, because they still enjoy being naturally encouraged to it. Yet, men over their forties and elderly men or in bad health are likely to neglect their sexual needs. Most of them got bored of worrying about it or simply do not care anymore about it as they used to, when they were younger.

    The former, because of changes in their partner relationship and the latter, because their female partner’s menopause issues: their declining estrogen levels lead to thinning of the vaginal walls. This, in combination with increasing vaginal dryness contributes to making sex more painful; albeit menopause can mean different things for different women. While some may experience a decrease in sex drive, other women find that with the right mindset, their sex drive may actually increase. Hence, it largely also depends on one’s mental attitude and metabolic constituency. Young drug addicts are also neglecting their sexual needs, because their drug abuse has virtually replaced their sexual needs and thus, ruining their health. Very sad, indeed!

    It is only natural for elderly men to experience a gradual decline in the sexual libido and frequency. Yet, some of these men are unwilling to comply with this fact and desperately seek to compensate their declining libido with extra marital affairs and even blame their partners for it. I also believe that it is unwise to succumb to sexual greed, because with every orgasm our libido decreases.

    The same happens to all our other physical needs. For instance, when we are hungry, the first round of food intake tastes extremely delicious, yet after we satisfied our hunger, more food intake becomes far less enjoyable and we are advised to learn to recognize our body’s genuine needs; i.e. allow rather our body’s true physical needs to determine the right amount and timing of sexual frequency.

    For younger, unexperienced men this might be pretty confusing, because our body is too often tempted by sexual fantasies, wants and wishes, which easily misleads us to sexual addictions, perversions and invariably ending up in frustrations. Trial and error and most importantly, self-discipline is the solution to this problem. Elderly men, confronted with this kind of dilemma are hard pressed to resolve this rather crucial decision in an irrational manner.
    ––––––––––––––
    Ref: Physical Health… Once we get over the age of forty, our genetically inherited health quality comes into play. Only then most of us discover the true extend of our inherited health. An amazing amount of diseases (if not most) are directly inherited from our forebears. In other words, one never can be quite sure what to expect next! Some, apparently healthy looking people, suddenly got a severe headache (brain tumor) and three month later they died. The cause for it is almost impossible to explain. Thus, it must have been an inherited, genetical or dietary defect which caused it. Therefore, it is vital that we get to know our specific health hazards, such as allergies, propensities and risks as soon as possible in an effort to avoid or minimizing the worst.

    Your parents, grandparents and ancestor’s fatal illnesses, such as diabetes, Alzheimer, cancer, heart, kidney, liver diseases or failures etc. offer us the vital information about the kinds of propensities to which we might soon be subjected or in old age. So, if we already now smoke and cough a lot, our body warns us to stop smoking. If we put on excessive body weight, our body tells us to change our diet, etc. Yes, it is true that there exist individuals, who are immune to smoking or overeating, but how would we know if our body can take it or not?

    Hence, it is wiser to categorically stay away from all risks and substances, known to harm the human body. I do my best by scanning the Internet for qualified advice on healthy food, good eating habits and health related matters. If thirty web pages confirm the same evidence, you might as well believe it to be true. Take any personal health problem very seriously, follow it up in every way and so, try to minimize its consequences.

    In several instances I was able to query the doctor and in one instance even remind him to prescribe two antibiotics, which he simply forgot to administer, because he lost the patient’s treatment records. Today’s most doctors are business-minded and do not have time to properly inform and help their patients to prevent the onset of a major disease, such as diabetes, prostate cancer etc. Thus, it is important to research the all available information and solution to our personal health afflictions on the Internet.

    Most overweight persons missed the chance to early control their eating habits. In a way they taught me stay clear from these kinds of avoidable health hazards and so, we all, can learn from other people’s mistakes and stay healthy longer. Remember: we have got only this one, our body and compelled to look after it. So, let us be kind to our body, mind and soul; to ourselves! If you really care about your health, I advice you to buy a copy of Campbell’s CHINA STUDY. The author is one of the last great, incorruptible scientists left on our planet we can fully trust. Let us honor this gentleman.
    ––––––––––––––

    Ref: Genetic inheritance… Today’s medical, scientific research efforts are largely dependable from profit-oriented business aspirations and thus, we are likely to suffer from the commonly known diseases for many more decades to come.
    Hence, our inherited diseases are going to cut short the lives of many people. Most of us lost close relatives and friends in this way. The thing, which makes me wonder is that too many couples with genetically inherited diseases, such as hepatitis C or propensities to various diseases, such as heart diseases, diabetes etc. or those of us, suffering from horrible afflictions, such as smokers, alcoholics and drug addicts, are having the most children, whereas most perfectly healthy people have non or only one or two kids.

  7. Rudi from South Africa says:

    Hi, I am in the same situation it seems I’m too afraid to confront my wife as it always ends and up in a argument and we end up fighting every time. I love her a lot but I’m starting to get urges to get sex somewhere else. How do I get her to understand the way I see things? I really love her a lot and I don’t want to go look for greener pastures.

  8. John from United States says:

    I’m in love with a very attractive 45 year old woman but she says it could bother her les if she ever has sex again. What should I do?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      John, Please know that she is waving a red flag at you warning you that if you marry, making love and sharing in that type of intimacy will not be a priority for her (even if it is for you). Thankfully, she has been honest. Many women and men aren’t beforehand. You are being forewarned. And please don’t count on the thought that if you serve, and try to bless her sexually that she will enjoy it and change her mind. Most likely, that will not happen. If you decide to marry her, you will need to count on the fact that you will probably need to live like a eunuch –not being able to be together sexually because of her lack of interest. If you think otherwise, you most likely will be setting yourself up for unmet expectations and frustration.

      And please don’t allow yourself to think that you can cheat after you marry –either physically, visually (through porn), or both. You would be violating the sanctity of marriage, and will be compromising your integrity. You are being given a warning ahead of time. Very prayerfully consider what this warning involves. If you go forward, you are not allow to go back. Please don’t allow yourself to think otherwise. Do some people change? Yes. But it is rare and it comes from THEIR heart to change. It would be better to count on her NOT changing and what that would mean if that was true. Count the costs ahead of time. Are you willing to live closely together and not being able to share in this type of intimacy for the rest of your life? Remember, we aren’t talking a year or two or three. It’s for the rest of your life. I pray you obtain wisdom on this and hope you make the right decision.

  9. Lou from United States says:

    This is the first time I have been on this we site. After reading I appreciate the pure honest advice.
    Thank you so much, I don’t feel as guilty anymore!

  10. Johnson from United States says:

    And that’s when a guy decides to cheat on you and then women wonder why.

  11. Brian from United States says:

    My wife doesn’t like sex, never has since being married. I don’t understand; we had sex before we were married but then realized we shouldn’t and stopped. After getting married she didn’t want to have sex anymore. We have been married for almost 17 years and have three wonderful kids. I could have given you the exact date and time each of my kids was conceived because there was no intimacy 2-3 months either side of that one time.

    Now when I bring up that it has been a while, I get “I’m trying!” But nothing ever changes. We went for counseling and it helped until she got her next period then it reverted back to same ole same ole. I love her so much and loved her when she was a little bigger. Now she has lost weight and I take a back seat to not only sex but everything else in her life. She breaks our plans to go out with the girls. It is becoming very hard. She calls and texts with another guy who is married and she doesn’t see a problem with it because they are “just friends” from church. Frustrating!

  12. Trauma from Australia says:

    I have tried everything to please my husband sexually. We used to do it 7 to 10 times a week and he was never satisfied and yelled and screamed at me if I asked for 1 night off. This went on for 15 years and I did as you mentioned above. Kept trying, kept giving into his yelling to try keep the peace but it still wasn’t good enough. He would complain that it wasn’t long enough. 1 hour was not enough. He wanted it to go for 8 hours and would yell at me and ask “when are you going to give me what I WANT”? He is addicted to pornography, he uses spy wear on me and others. I am scared of him and traumatized yet I am still here listening to him get mad a me every few days because I am not intimate enough. I have to get out of this marriage before it is too late. He sent me your article to read in a hope I will somehow be changed and want to get help.

  13. Cathie from United States says:

    I don’t get all the whining about not getting sex. If you want it to orgasm get a vibrator or men use your hands. Sex is a want not a need. I promise you will not die from lack of sex.

    As a wife i don’t care for it and am only 35. I’m just too tired and have no desire. There is NOTHING weong with that. I tell my husband he’s got two hands- use them. I feel our marriage is doing well, leas fights than when we used to have sex. So somethings working. And no my husband is not cheating on me.

    I feel sex is for procreation. When we’re ready for kids, i’ll think about it. Seriously, people get over it or please yourselves. We’re not wild animals!

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Wow, Cathie… what a joy and blessing you must be to your husband –reducing him down to a hand job, rather than intimacy! What you wrote is so filled with selfism, it makes me wonder. Why did you even marry in the first place if you have decided (with no wiggle room) to do (or not do) what you want to do, when you want to do it without consideration as to what your marriage “partner” may be thinking or feeling about all of this? If this is what your husband wants, then fine… it’s your marriage, and your marriage bed and together, you are to decide what is best. But to marry and then to dump all of this upon your spouse as a “take it, and if you don’t like it, too bad” way of living is disturbing. And then you’re going around (like you are here) trying to get others to join you in this way of thinking and living within marriage, makes this all the more disturbing.

      I’m not thinking that you are not approaching this as a Christian (even though you came onto a Christian web site), because what you wrote certainly smacks hard in the face of what God tells us biblically (1 Corinthians 7:4-5). Again, if your husband is happy with this arrangement and he doesn’t long for more sexual intimacy with you than this… then that’s great. But if not, then this is pitiable, because that means that you are being a dictator in the bedroom. There is no mutuality involved.

      We have posted a video, from a teaching by T.D. Jakes, where he explains a bit about the differences in the ways that men and women view making love. The voice over in this video doesn’t match up, but the content is so important that we posted it anyway, hoping that it will bring insight in to those who never saw this issue that way. I’m not sure you would want to view it, but it may help someone else that is reading this. It gives voice to the man, where it can be missing sometimes (T.D. addresses husbands and what their wives may need in another video). You can find it and view it at: http://marriagemissions.com/marriage-relationship-advice-pt-6-td-jakes/.

      When we marry, we are to give consideration to each other –the husband to the wife and the wife to the husband. It’s a matter of marrying our lives together to live with each other in a way that builds love, companionship, and mutual growth (especially spiritually). To throw that type of consideration out, brings an unhealthiness into marriage… how sad when that is the case.

    • Mike in SoCal from United States says:

      Actually Cathie – for men, sex is experienced as a legitimate need just as hunger or thirst are. No we won’t actually die without it but the desire to be intimate with another human is built into us and extremely powerful. The best analogy I can come up with is like hunger I suppose one could live/survive off bread and water and a piece of fruit once in a while for vitamins. That wouldn’t be very pleasant though, would it?

      A man may be able to use his hands to take care of himself sexually when he has a wife that should be loving and caring to him and is able (but not willing) to be sexually intimate. The man eating the bread and water will want something of substance so badly even though he might have enough food to technically not starve to death. If he sees a steak or a delicious plate of food there may be nothing he won’t do to have a taste of that. He might do things he normally wouldn’t do. He might steal it, he might even hurt someone to get it.

      When you deny your husband the most basic components of a marriage he will eventually look outside. It may be looking at porn or it may be starting to venture into massage parlors or talking to an attractive woman at a bar while he’s on a business trip hoping for some attention or something more. We are in a society where there are easy opportunities for men to stray. Porn is available to anyone for free and there are no shortage of women available for men who need that physical contact.

      I understand this is hard for you to empathize with. It’s like trying to make a human understand what a bird must feel like flapping it’s wings and soaring through the air. By God’s design we are physiologically different in many ways. Certainly sexually men and women are often polar opposites.

      Whether you like it or not it is one of the largest driving factors into committing to a marriage for many men. Particularly men who abstained from sex prior to marriage, wanting to have that intimacy is a critical component of the relationship’s evolution. Getting married absolutely puts in place a reasonable expectation for a husband to be attentive to the wife’s needs and likewise for the wife to be attentive to the husbands needs. That may not mean having sex daily but to all out deny intimacy is unbelievably cruel. Just as he would be cruel to not be loving and caring in the ways you need him to be. Notice how I use the word need. Women also have emotional needs in order to feel loved. You won’t die without them but you won’t feel connected or loved without them either.

      I hope for you and your husband’s sake as well as for the health of your marriage you think about some things and seek some counseling perhaps individually and with your husband.

    • Trauma from Australia says:

      Well said Cathie. Cindy Wright is promoting domestic violence by telling women to not deny their husbands. She didn’t reply to my post about how my husband would scream at me for sex even when he was getting 7 to 10 times a week. If I dared ask for a night off he would scream at me. Then he sends me Cindy Wright’s article. I am so angry. She is giving men the right to abuse their wives if they dare deny them. This is how my husband sees it. Why have you not responded to my posting Cindy?

      I didn’t deny my husband because I was too afraid to for 15 years. I got verbal abuse from him daily about everything. My kids got verbal abuse from him daily. We lived our lives trying to make him happy in everything we did. We had no time for our own happiness. We don’t ever dare ask for something from him. The sex was never good enough for him. It doesn’t matter how much heart I put into it.

      In the last five years and with lots of counselling I have learnt to say “no” and my husband doesn’t yell as much. The less I give in to him the less he yells. So then I start giving him more. hen he starts yelling more. As soon as I start not being all over him all day the yelling starts. So then I start denying him. He starts to yell less and so it goes round and round. It is a want and Cathie is right. Why do we have to give up our bodies. Why do you not respond to me? Am I to live my life as a hostage? To be treated like a slave?

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        Dear Trauma, I’m sorry that I haven’t responded before now but please know that there is nothing on the web site that promises a response to every comment that comes in. We CAN’T answer everyone’s comments… we get thousands of them a year, many that you don’t even see, where they email us directly. There simply is not enough time to answer them all. We don’t have the time, nor the resources, nor do we believe God is asking us to respond to every comment. We offer the articles, blogs, recommended resources, links to other web sites, etc… to help in the ways we can, but we can’t possibly address, nor help EVERYONE that comes onto this web site. We aren’t all knowing, or all being.

        Also, please know (as we have often told people) that we aren’t counselors –never claim to be; we’re marriage educators and mentors. We can’t help all, but we CAN help some and also hope and pray that others will be inspired to help, as well (which we see happen quite often). Trauma, I just now read your 1st (and second comment) and I can’t see where you’re asking for help from me in particular, so please know that I’m not avoiding you, I just am ministering where I can, when I can, and I’m sorry that I didn’t give comment to what you wrote, and that it troubled you. I never want to do that to anyone.

        With that said, if I HAD seen your comment when it was first posted, I probably would have said that your husband’s behavior appears to be troubling, to say the very least. Love is not demanding, nor is it selfish, or abusive. The fact that he’s using porn and spy ware and such is sick. And the fact that he used this article to throw it in your face is troubling too. He is taking the article out of context. It’s not meant to be used as a weapon, but as a tool to come to a better understanding of each other. Please don’t take it out of context either. The advice given is not a “one size fits all” situations. The things you have pointed out in your first comment shows that. Just because your husband took it that way, doesn’t make it so.

        From what I can perceive from your comments, you both need help. He needs it to stop the horrible, damaging behavior he is exhibiting, and you need it to figure out how to best deal with this type of situation. How I wish you would have reached out to address this before letting it go on for 15 years. I can’t imagine letting it go on, to that degree, for that long. But maybe you just didn’t have the courage, or insight, nor the tenacity, or whatever before now… I’m not sure. I can’t look into your life and into his to know all of what either of you were thinking, but I sense that yours were pure in waiting.

        What I DO know is that I would NEVER give men (or women) the right to abuse their spouse. That’s not even close to who I am or where I’m coming from. That is absolutely wrong, and I would never defend that type of behavior. An abuser will take even innocent, or even rightful things and blow it out of context. Please don’t allow yourself to receive that type of hurtful behavior, as being one based on truth.

        As far as Cathie’s statements… lets just say that I’ve seen where hurt people often hurt people. I definitely don’t agree with what she says. I can understand why and how she could get there, and sympathize, but there is the other extreme… BECAUSE a spouse is hurt, it doesn’t give them the right to do what they shouldn’t, in retaliation. Neither marriage partner should act like a dictator in the bedroom. Help was needed long before it got to that stage of bitterness. And I say the same to you. No, you should’t “live as a hostage” or “be treated like a slave” …get help from a counselor that deals with these types of issues and see what you SHOULD do, rather than react out of rage and bitterness. I can well comprehend why you would be tempted to do this, but it’s not healthy for ANYONE involved. I hope and pray you can and will, and hope the best for you.

        • Trauma from Australia says:

          Thanks Cindy for your reply. I appreciate it and understand that you’re not promoting verbal abuse etc. I’m sorry for my outburst but was so angry when he sent me that article. I took it out on you. It’s him I should be angry with. Any how lots to discover and learn. We have separated once and may have to soon again. I’m now not sleeping with him and trying to explain to him why what he’s doing is not acceptable.

          I’ve been trying to do this for 21 years but some how he thinks everything is my fault. I think I may be getting through to him however. Although I thought I had the last time we separated and that’s why I came back. Sorry again for the outburst.

          • Cindy Wright from United States says:

            Thanks Trauma, for saying what you did. I appreciate it… I sure understand how mad you could get with all of this. I pray for wisdom for you in dealing with the issues you and your husband are having (and have been having). God bless.

  14. TimMc from United States says:

    As a husband of a wonderful woman for the past 31 years, I too have struggled with the almost complete lack of intimacy in our relationship. Still do. I don’t know why but since the birth of our last child 20 years ago I’ve been cast adrift in a sea of rejection. She always has a reason why we can’t this time or makes promises for a later date which she doesn’t keep.

    I’ve been loyal as a bulldog, helped around the house, listened to her, been there when she needed me, been tempted to stray numerous times, but I’ve never acted on it. Yet nothing. Like all I was good for was to be a sperm donor. The two or three times a year we do make love, she’s able to achieve orgasm. I do my “job” as her partner even at the expense if my own pleasure. I’ve prayed about this, communicated to her in a non-threatening way and still I’m made to feel as if I’m putting her out if I ask. I’m at a complete loss…and it’s killing me inside.

    Our wedding vows said to have and to hold. Frustratingly I say, apparently that goes no further than holding my desires in permanent check.

    • Peter from United States says:

      It looks like I am in the same place as you Tim Mc. All in all, I’m aware of the fact that women seem to fall into three categories, 1) those who use sex to achieve something, in our cases to gain the affections of a man they like and want to get married to, 2) those who really rather wouldn’t have sex but do so out of religious obligation or fear of a violent man who is effectively raping them and 3) those who have what they want (or feel that they don’t have anything to benefit from giving sex away anymore) and also rightly don’t want to feel compelled to do something intimate if they don’t want to.

      I suppose, as a husband, this is the sort of thing that we simply have to tolerate. What would you rather, have a wife who is driven to resentment for forcing herself to be intimate with a man she gets no benefit from being with? Or perhaps one that has to close her eyes and bear it because Yahweh or Allah will smite her otherwise?

      There are a number of ways to reduce your libido: lots of coffee, staying up late, really pushing it in the gym. That’s what I do, because all you would otherwise be doing is just getting both of my frustrated and driving the relationship apart. Focus on other stuff and let do your part by letting single guys in on what they can realistically expect from marriage should be considering it.

  15. Hollis from United States says:

    Well I’ll say this, I’m taking comfort in the fact that I’m obviously not alone. However, I must confess not much you see for many years now. Since my second daughter was born my wife put her in the bed right in between us and that has never changed for 9 years now. I finally figured out why. She never really wanted me like that any longer. The best I can figure is that after children women stop wanting their husbands as sex was just a means to a end the children!

    I, for years, would shower constantly, take way too long to dry off, lay around on the bed thinking she would come into the room and this never happened, ever. Oh she would pop in, but cleaning the trash can was way higher on the list than sex, so it must be my body, my hair, my beard, my not having a beard anymore, my lack of romance, my lack of helping around the house… Believe me, DO NOT WASTE your time. That’s not the problem.

    Every time the conversation would go to “that’s all you men want.” What if I couldn’t have sex would you leave me? Of course not, I would reply… but you’re not sick. Truth is it’s not all we want. It makes us feel loved in a way that makes us special. It’s the only time we get this kind of hugging. kissing etc…

    So then it must be we need more God, more church. Trust me, that made it way worst WAY worse… just for me and her though!!! I’m in no way suggesting you turn away from God!!! because I did and blamed God for a while saying I did as you told me and look now, she really won’t even think of me in that way. Now it’s suddenly nasty and so am I for wanting it. Now what I miss most is very long wet kisses. You know the kind that are just fond memories now.

    Anyway I digress, I now have tried to move into my own room. At least I could have my own space, and besides I have so much built up animosity toward her now I don’t want to touch her as it would be just sex period, pants back on, going back to my room. I love her and don’t want to think of her that way… but it is what it is.

    I lost years thinking I could do anything right, and ladies, if you love money, give your husbands sex. He will be the man at work at business, at going out thinking he can do anything, and without it he will feel like me. I don’t care it doesn’t matter, and well hopeless.

    I have even thought why both living? No one will miss me but that’s not true. My children do love me and thank God that’s enough. I said that to say ladies. Sex is VERY important to your husband. It’s what makes you different from all the other women and believe me, if they’re like me they get approached a lot by other women, A LOT. They don’t want that; they want you!!!

    So I have now, as I said, moved out of my wife’s room and into mine. I have shut down on her emotionally. In my mind we are roommates and it’s making it easier for me, bottom line. Just stop caring and feeling and you’ll feel way less hurt. You’re not going to leave your kids period, right? So good luck to you all.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Hollis, you and so many other men who have commented on this web site (and other web sites) have really touched my heart. To stay, when your wife has decided to dictate what goes on in the bedroom, and what goes on in your intimate life together (or lack there-of), is so very difficult… I realize that. I SO commend you that you aren’t cheating (as you said you wouldn’t in your wedding vows), and you are staying for your kids, so their lives don’t have to be so upset, plus, how much you would miss each other, if you left.

      How I wish I could impress upon wives not to do this to their husbands –that just because they don’t understand the need, doesn’t make it any less real. God has used me to help wake up some wives… but there are still so many that jet don’t get it. And the same goes for husbands that don’t communicate with their wives, help around the house, and help with the kids… that just because the husbands don’t see the need, doesn’t make it right to ignore it, as if there isn’t one.

      Again, to Hollis, and other men who have been really trying to be there for their wives and yet their wives aren’t there for them in the ways that they need it and don’t connect in intimate ways with their husbands… I support you with my admiration and my prayers. Thank you for hanging in there, being faithful, and being there for your children. In a world where so many go the unfaithful route, plus leaving their children behind, you are a beacon of light, despite the darkness going on around you. I truly admire your faithfulness. I just want you to know that.

  16. George from Zimbabwe says:

    Your stories are all so horrible (not a laughing matter). I think mine sounds more of a bugging fly. Mine is a frequency issue. My wife wants it much less than I do, she’s so overworked both at her workplace & home chores that she sleeps more often, and is too tired to even consider sex. But that doesn’t lessen my desire for regular satisfying sex from her. I’m tempted daily to just seek for a young lass to quietly fulfill my legitimate hunger but I would feel terribly sinful & my conscience just wouldn’t allow me. She isn’t too keen to discuss the issues either. We are 12 yrs married, with 2 lovely kids.

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