When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written because I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First, to the men who are struggling because their wife doesn’t respond to your approaches. I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I can guess, and I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue, but not being a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly (who along with his wife Lori, have a web site called The Marriage Bed —Paul also has web site called The Generous Husband), and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (and you may even want to question him about this matter):

WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT

NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX

THE SIN OF BUSYNESS

And then Neil Black, on the web site, Power to Change, wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2

I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

And for wives who are saying no to having sex with your husbands, I realize that this is a complex issue, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband with some of them being lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any loving, physical contact with him, pornography issues —either his or yours, where satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where you’re just plain too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children and job obligations, household chores, etc. Lori Byerly, of The-generous-wife.com wrote a blog on this, that you may find insightful (I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions):

GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER BEFORE SAYING YES

These issues are also addressed in other topics of this web site (with links provided to others). Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer, but I believe you will find the inspiration and at least some help to make necessary changes so you save at least a part of your energy to connect with your marriage partner.

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers, which remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation. I write a bit about it in the article:

• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY

If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound

WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT

There may be other issues, such as addictions (yours and/or his), and bitterness over marriage situations (we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well).

But whatever it is, please work on it. They say that “whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues, pertaining to our sex life together, but when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed or your husband has changed in your libido or your desire in wanting to make love. Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him have his way, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” Ultimately, that won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. If you look in the Bible, you see throughout it, that we’re told it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You know deep in your heart if you’re asking more of him than you should —letting him know that he won’t get it from you. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful. That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and has sexual desires that won’t quit plaguing him.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. It’s not that I needed to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I was wrong in not getting the help that I needed so we didn’t stay stuck in that place for as long as we were.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “he just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

And yes, it wouldn’t have been too much for some of that to happen, where he could “control himself” for a period of time while I was in therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. He COULDN’T understand. He had never been abused in that way. He couldn’t have known the depth of pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I needed to get help so I could work through my issues and we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something I expected from him without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners and I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and yet not be with me either. I feel that is true in most every marriage.

If there are physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it isn’t something that can be resolved (and you’re truthful —that it really can’t be resolved), then find other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative. Keep in mind that the important thing is that you are together, man and wife, without any other human being involved (physically or visually). This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

As I admitted before, there was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy I was married to. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I got help and we eventually came together and have loved on each other since.

But even so, even though my past is not an issue any longer, there have been a few dry spells where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband has. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner, and the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as understanding better the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s an important one —especially to the marital partner who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially most women) realize.

God showed me that when my husband needed to be close to me in that way, to try to never deny him. Sure there are some times when I fall to bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, when he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time (and then I make sure it’s soon). My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

And if it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. I know that there is a spiritual component mixed into the intimate time my husband and I have together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it, but as I pray and concentrate on giving love to my husband —lavishing him with love that comes from a heart filled with the love of God, eventually, I’m totally into it. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. It becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He sure does!

And here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire, that I ran across, that I though you may find helpful (I sure have):

“How often have you done this: you’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ The silly thing is that if you had started in the beginning, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.

“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! If you’re mentally excited, your body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too, but please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that is standing in the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this important way.

I want to close with something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). He is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. He can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You behind now to work in me.”

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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Comments

267 responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

  1. Thank you for this piece of knowledge. Recently I had this enlarged pituitary gland issue, which affected my sexual life so much that I couldn’t satisfy my wife for months. I used enhancement pills, reduced my weight and did everything to end that plague but couldn’t untill I consulted medical assistance.

    But now, after I got cured, I feel like making love to my wife everyday or at least 3-4 times a week. The problem now is, she has changed. She has stopped the way she used to ask me for sex. These days I beg her for sex for days and weeks but she won’t give in. Sometimes I feel like cheating on her but I can’t because of God. In a nutshell, I feel trapped in this marriage because of this. What do I do because she thinks I’m a man and should be able to control myself but in summary, I’m fed up. She’s been saying she’ll go to hospital but not that serious in doing so. I’m really really fed up now.

    1. If I may say, give yourself some credit. God is not involved in our sex lives. You do not cheat because you are a good person. Maybe it’s not that complicated. Get back to the basics. Make her laugh, let her see you cry, charm and wow her with little love notes and remember what she likes, picnics, concerts or whatever, and do that. I am a 50 yr. old, post menopausal woman that cares less if I ever have sex again, and it’s sucks to feel that way. I cannot control that. But, with my silly, loving and patient husband, the more we do, the more I like. And don’t forget to hold her hand. Hope it helps!

      1. Nkem, Christi gave you the worst advice I have seen so far. I want you to know that God is involved in every aspect of our lives and have instructions for us to follow so that we can stand upright in success. Remember to put God first. As this article stated, sex is physical, emotional and spiritual. Make sure the spiritual part of your relationship is fortified. This can be accomplished through prayer and reviewing God eternal word. Although we all have a personal relationship with God, build a relationship as a couple; start praying together because God loves our prayers. You will witnesses the power.

  2. Every individual marriage is different. But my problem is that my husband feels this need every time I’m busy. I devote my morning to him. Why is it I have to give in to all his needs? He always ends up getting upset and tells me I do it deliberately to hurt him, which is not the case. He is so clueless, and neither will he listen to any one. Help!!!

    1. Hi. I read your comment and I would like to reply. Being a man I like that my wife behaves as I want when I want. I suggest you, that you do as your husband wants. Give him the time what he wants. Do as he wants. If he wants you to be the first to ask for love/sex, so go ahead. Try to read his mind before he speaks. Men are very easy to handle. Sometimes men like that their wife handle them like a child. Men suffer a lot in the outside world, and feel it difficult to make their wife and kids happy all the time with the outside world’ difficulties. It is a matter of a few moments. Once you do as he likes, you will see he will not ask you any more. He will feel confident that you love and care about him. That’s all what a man wants. Sometime you may decline your demand or wish. Try to be happy with less. Hope it helps.

    2. If your husband needs you when you are busy, make a plan and be ready when he asks. Leave everything and join him. It will happen only for a few times. Soon he will understand your love. Keep in mind, husbands are more happy to have you when you say no. Life is in a flux. Same routine never works always. Try on changing and keep flexible timings. You will also enjoy it a lot. These are hidden treasures of married life. You should try this. You will feel like best the lady in world.

    3. Just mornings? Are you always busy? If he is clueless, inform him. It sounds like he wants some spontaneous moments with you. If you give in once or twice a week, he won’t be as upset when you say no. I mean really, what’s it take about 5 min. then he’s sleeping. LOL… Good Luck…

  3. Even from a husband’s standpoint who is going through this currently, my wife told me today and that it’s possible that she may never want it again, I get what you are saying. I can’t however bring this up to her as she will see that as me being needy. So for now, prayer is my only resource and hope is believing that the Lord will lead us through.

    1. What’s wrong with being needy? EVERY woman wants to be needed, to be desired and cherished. You must bring this up to her. Without communication you remain frozen in time… Start just cuddling, holding hands and little love notes do help. Show her chivalry is not dead and offer her free hugs, without sexual intentions. These little moments of touching might lead to her wanting more.

      1. Christy, bad advice! She drew the line in the sand! She broke her vows of being a partner and should understand the consequences. He shouldn’t accept that answer and needs to probe why and get reasons. Accepting bad behavior is enabling bad behavior. She may have legit reasons, but not to hand them over is selfish. This will blow up and she will blame him!!!!!!! He can’t be a better husband without a roadmap. Sorry, but you are perpetuating a myth.

    2. Ken, I’ve heard that before. My wife feels like as a man I shouldn’t have needs… when I bring up she isn’t meeting my needs it’s not uncommon to be told “I don’t need another kid to take care of.” Talk about feeling unloved. I provide for the family, I am involved with the kids, I help around the house and do all the little things they say are supposed to help. I’ve gotten to the point where it’s less painful to just not ask.

      1. Ditto – Israel. I am tired of trying to connect with the lame possibility I may have some sex with her. I just want to get at it, forget he connection. It has been over a year now with no sex, and I can count with the fingers on one hand how many times we’ve done it since we have our kid almost 4 now. Could it be that we have moved on emotionally and that we don’t want the same things anymore? What can I do?

  4. Have not really experienced sex in my marriage since my 30s. I’m 58 now. Wife has multiple physical problems and no interest. Anytime I have or express desire, it is, and remains, my problem to cope with by myself, with God. It is frustrating, sad, disappointing, and almost torturous. There’s really no help for me other than God’s grace to endure … and it is very tempting to become very bitter with Him about it and turn to fantasy to angrily satisfy my physical desire. I’ve learned that is a hugely destructive choice, no matter how good it may feel in the moment. Guys like me need to believe God will somehow make life worth it experientially in some way, at some time.

    1. I cannot think of any reason why a wife would choose to withhold rather than choose to give and make people happy. It’s absolutely sickening. Demands over giving are never good. It’s extremely selfish.

      1. She might like the “power” in keeping him unhappy and the “control” in withholding. As he complains about the pain and lack of love she might gain a silent satisfaction.

  5. I have been married for 10 years and my sex life is as low as low can be. My wife ever since she gave birth to our daughter has forgotten that our sex life exists. She stopped using sexy underwear and really she has never used anything sexy as I can recall. I have even started to think that my wife is a lesbian. The act of abstinence is the most selfish act any human being can impose on another. I am getting me a girlfriend.

    1. Before you add more troubles to the problem you might want to consider that she probably can’t control her sexual drive. Your resentment is understandable and obvious in your comment. I swear this book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus can explain how different men and women are. It works best if you both read it. Remember, EVERY woman goes through this at one time or another, so a “girlfriend” is actually a dead end street. And, some women are subconsciously terrified of getting pregnant again, even years later. So maybe you two could figure out a way to prevent a pregnancy, if that’s what you both want. Good Luck…

      1. Christi, here you go again! This is an issue that needs to be resolved, not hidden. Yeah, she may have legit issues, but talk them out. Don’t sentence each other to a life of misery

  6. So glad to hear your story; this is what happened to me and my wife. I’m going to share with her this story and most importantly God is in all problem. God bless you.

  7. I don’t know how to deal with it. She has forsaken the one she promised to forsake all others for; that’s no way to treat the one you love. She expects me to be loyal, and give up sex? I like sex with her… she does not.

  8. It all comes down to selfishness; that is what keeps a person from giving. People should always give up SELF as Jesus gave Himself for His Bride. His bride denies her SELF for Jesus just as the wife denies her SELF for her husband.

  9. I understand being positive but there isn’t much that is positive to say if this is a problem in your marriage. It is in mine. My wife has indicated she has no interest. She has the energy but isn’t interested. My choices are to cheat, leave or accept the misery of being with her.

    1. The giving doesn’t just start and stop with sex. One can GIVE understanding as a lovely marital gift too which it seems men like to overlook. I constantly see men whining about their wives not giving them enough sex or sex. And instantly saying they are miserable with their wife over this issue, and have only the choice to cheat or stay miserable.

      Are you for freaking real?! It’s no wonder your wives want nothing to do with you with that horrible attitude. It’s no wonder they feel taken advantage of and used for their bodies. They’re unlovable to you the second they say no to YOUR personal physical enjoyment. Newsflash most women who are of average health don’t hate sex; they don’t even need to climax to enjoy being with their spouse. They say no to sex because they’re not getting what YOU need to be GIVING! Which it’s appearing men want their cake and eat it to and 100% don’t see their role in the issue.

      To explain this…so your wife wants to feel valued as a person not as a human push pin. She wants physical contact sometimes that has NO expectation of sex at all! Proof that you want HER not just her body. How many of you men commenting here actually do this? Honest answers! I bet not many and of you have how often does this rare event occur? So to go out on a limb and guess not many actually do this. Should the wife just feel frustrated and be left with the choice to cheat and find a different man who can, leave, or just live in misery for the rest of her life? Kinda hurts doesn’t to think your wife would dispose of you and move on to another like your a piece of trash for not caring for her emotional needs.

      Before trashing your wife for what she’s not giving…stop and think about what you’re not giving! It’s NEVER a one-sided problem. You men are failing too!

  10. I really wish I could pray for the desire but I can’t. I grew up being taught that birth control is a sin. And I don’t want to have children so I would basically be asking God to help me feel desire to sin. So now what?

    1. You sound conflicted. There are two weeks in the cycle where you’re not fertile and there fore not able to conceive. It has to be tracked regularly but sex is possible. Are there other things?

      1. Misinformation Jim! That’s how my second child came to be. A woman can ovulate anytime in her cycle.

  11. Thank you for this article. I am a married woman who is 54, and 7 years into menopause. My sex drive has died, but I want to be intimate with my husband and realize how important sex is in a marriage. I cannot have intercourse but do things to bring him physical pleasure. Unfortunately, this is not enough for him. He now no longer wants sex unless I have pleasure in it, I mean an orgasm. I try to explain that I have pleasure without needing an orgasm. I like the intimacy.

    Now, we haven’t had sex in 2.5 weeks because I’m begging God to give me desire so he’ll be happy and be intimate again. He stopped hugging and kissing me years ago so sex is the only way I can get affection. It’s so weird and I find the more he pushes me to “find pleasure” the less I want to try. I can’t help how I feel, so I too feel trapped. It’s selfish to not give of yourself and I don’t want to do that.

    I know God is honored when we serve him through our spouses. Marriage is hard and our sex crazed culture doesn’t help. I feel bad for the men who have commented about their wives just saying “no”. I don’t think I’ve done that, but if you ask my husband, he would say I have. I sometimes think he wants me to feel like I have failed so he can control the situation and feel safe. Blaming me in easier than accepting responsibility. I’m just sad and pray for a healed marriage in every way.

  12. My wife doesn’t want sex, hasn’t wanted it for 10 years. I’ve tried everything I can think of, but nothing has generated any lasting change. My mother in law told my wife ON OUR WEDDING DAY to always remember the one who loves least has the most power. Gee, thanks “mom”! I didn’t think it mattered at the time because wife and I loved each other. But now my wife has come around to mom’s ways. I feel so sad and hopeless about my marriage.

    I have no where to go and don’t want to lose or hurt my kids either. I don’t know what I did wrong or why this is happening. I’ve given everything I have or will ever have to our marriage. I have nothing left to give or to lose. Marriage for me is a fraud and a lie. Sorry I’m not being positive, but how can I be positive and honest about this?

  13. This issue goes both ways. Many husbands refuse sex with thier wives also. Many times it is a passive aggressive act of hostility coming from the refusing partner. I know I lived it and suffered as a faithful wife.

    1. My wife isn’t interested at all. I have had to sleep in different beds now for years. it was my choice. It solved the feeling of frustration and feeling unloved. I’ve spoken to her and because it’s not a problem to her then it’s not important. I too feel like having an affair but it’s not the answer, is it? I’m sitting here on Valentines Day and feel very sad and old. I’m 49.

      1. Nigel, you (and many of the others here) have been on my heart. My husband and I were talking about the disconnection many wives have as to the importance of making love to their husbands. We also have lifted you up in prayer. It’s not just a physical connection, but an intimacy, love connection. And how very sad I am that so many wives just don’t get this. Women want verbal connection. And if they don’t get it from their husbands they feel the relationship suffers. And they are correct. But just as wives feel this way about verbal connection, their husbands feel that way about physical connection. Just because one doesn’t feel the need and doesn’t feel it’s a “problem” it doesn’t make it right, or good.

        I don’t know how you can get it across to your wife that you need this connection with her, because of your love for her and the desire for a deeper intimacy with her alone. It’s not just physical. I’ve been there in the past with my husband, so I know how screwed up this thinking is… as if you can just will yourself not to need this connection from her. I have taught many sexual issues classes with women and when I talk about this aspect of marriage, it’s like bells and whistles go off and you can see some women waking up and realizing how off-based they’ve been in their thinking. It has helped many marriages. How I wish more women would wake up (and men too, as it pertains to verbal communication being just as important to women).

        As far as what you are facing, I’m not sure what to say. I’m SO glad that though you’re tempted, you feel that having an affair is not the answer. Whatever you do, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not, which you referred to in your comment. I admire you for that Nigel, and every spouse that realizes that.

        I don’t know if this will help or not, but there is a book that you may consider getting, reading, and asking the Lord if there is anything you can apply in this book that will help your situation with your wife. The book is written by Dr James Dobson, and is titled, Love Must Be Tough. Somehow, your wife needs to be stirred in a way so she realizes that if she has a problem, you both have a problem, and if you have a problem, it’s the same thing, you both have a problem. When you both said “I do” at the altar, you vowed to become a marital team –not just two singles in the same household. Right now she is stuck in what is termed as “functional fixedness.” What is happening (or is not happening) is working fine for her –it all appears to be functioning fine, so why fix anything? It’s fine, as far as she’s concerned… you’ll eventually get over it.

        But it isn’t fine. You are lonely within your marriage and need her more than she realizes. That’s why I recommend the book. I’m not sure if it will give you any ideas or not that you can use, but it may be worth a try (even though it’s not a book about sex –it’s a book about relationships that are going through tough waters). Nigel, above all, I want to express my sympathy, and tell you that I admire your stand not to cheat, even though everything within you must be screaming to, at times. Also, I want to tell you that sometimes wives will wake up. I did, and I know of other wives who have, as well.

        As a matter of fact, there is a web site dedicated to this at: http://forgivenwife.com. Here’s a description of the web site:
        This web site has blogs written by Chris, who writes: ‘After 20 years of being a sexual gatekeeper and refuser, I am now learning to dance with desire and enjoy the full intimacy that comes with passionate and joyful sex with the husband God provided for me.’ She also writes, ‘After 20+ years of stubbornness, selfishness, sexual gatekeeping, and discontent, I started to change how I behaved toward my husband. After action came feeling. After all the years of being a poster child for how not to be a wife, I’ve reached a deeper level of intimacy with my husband, emotionally and physically. In refusing my husband sexually, I was denying him my love.'”

        Nigel, I don’t want to give you or others false hope –just that sometimes things DO turn around. Sometimes it takes a push to do so, and other times, the person wakes up as God reveals truth to them. I hope and pray this happens for you and others who are braving out their marriage walk without cheating. If not, I pray the Lord helps you so you don’t sacrifice your integrity at the altar of temptation. God bless.

        1. Thank you Cindy, Yes I’m so lonely within my marriage, smiling and helpful on the outside but crying and wanting help on the inside. You sound like such a lovely woman, if only you lived in the KU. God bless.

    1. Hi. I truly feel at the end of my rope. I feel so lonely; here I am a Church Pastor who has nowhere to go and no one to confide my problem with. Like a clown, I smile on the outside pretending I am happy and cry on the inside. It’s been 2 years. I do all I can to make her happy. Yet she knows I have nowhere to turn to and if I divorce her, my ministry would go down the drain.

      I am 53 and afraid to end up bitter and alone. I’ve had opportunities to cheat, but that is out of the question. I’ve read every single word in this article and thread. Yet, can’t find the answer. Reading the book will not solve the problem, would just make me understand it, and I already understand it. She has no desire to be with me. Help!

        1. Pastor Kevin, First, I’m sorry you feel so all alone in your situation. You are correct; it’s very hard for a pastor and his spouse to find a safe place to be “real” with their problems. That is one of the reasons Cindy and I started Marriage Missions – we wanted to be a safe place for anyone to come and find help and encouragement. We’ve spent a great deal of our ministry pouring into pastors and other Christian workers marriages. I wish I lived closer to you so we could sit down face-to-face.

          Timothy’s recommendation to watch Steve Harvey’s video, “Jump,” can be taken several ways. Be careful and prayerful about what God would want you to take away from it. We feel very strongly that the message for you is not to “jump” from your unhappy marriage. What glory would God get from doing that?

          The message I see for you is that God brought you to our web site to begin to find the kind of help you need that could ultimately lead to a healing and complete restoration of your marriage. And here’s the next “jump” God wants you to take: Contact Focus On The Family’s ministry specifically for pastors at http://www.thrivingpastors.com. You will find a connection there that you have been missing everywhere else, including counseling and referrals to people close to where you live that can probably help you as well.

          I know you feel like there is no more hope – no more options, but don’t forget that with God NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE; not even restoring and reviving your dead marriage. Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead; He certainly can raise your marriage from the ashes!

          So, Pastor Kevin, take the next jump…and then the next…and then the next. “Do not become weary in well doing, for you will reap a harvest if you DO NOT GIVE UP.” (Galatians 6:9 – emphasis added) And feel free to write back. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

    1. You know the answer to this without anyone answering your question. What do you think Jesus would tell you? It kind of goes along with the same question, is it okay to take money if no one would ever know and the person you are taking it from is very, very rich, and yet you need the money badly? It’s a matter of integrity. I sense your desperation, and understandably so (although I hope you are doing your part to make lovemaking a pleasant experience for your wife too, and that you are doing other things within your marriage relationship so she feels wanted and loved in other ways –otherwise, you are contributing to her “no”).

      But no matter what, please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. Please don’t ruin your reputation amongst others, your integrity, and most importantly your relationship with the Lord over this matter. Ask God to help you do the right thing.

      1. Let me ask you this. If the wife refuses to have sex, what is a man to do? Shall he masturbate, and head down that road? Or is his sex life over with and he must repress his God given sexuality?

        1. Hi, Dave. You have asked a very, very tough question and I am going to answer this instead of Cindy. I can tell you what you can’t do if you want to please God and honor your promises to your wife (and I believe you already know this). You can’t go outside your marriage – either physically OR mentally to find sexual satisfaction. Yes, our sex drives are given by God – but He never promised that we would always be able to fulfill them. He just laid out His plan and sadly many Christian couples and individuals find themselves right where you are. And no, it’s not fair.

          I assume you have asked the Lord many, many times to help you and give you wisdom as to how you can help your wife understand your needs, but she dismisses it leaving you wanting. At this point your options are limited; lots of cold showers, accept celibacy as what you will endure until God changes your circumstances, OR you periodically relieve yourself just to maintain your sanity. Understand that ejaculation will only accomplish so much. It can relieve the tension but it will never be satisfying.

          Next, is the question: Can you masturbate just to relieve your pent up tension and keep your mind pure? All I can say is be careful. Masturbation can quickly become a habit and it’s usually tied to something very impure, whether it’s porn or thinking about another woman. At that point it’s the same as adultery. So, I can’t tell you whether you should or shouldn’t resort to masturbation. You really need to keep petitioning God and see where He gives you peace. I hope this perspective helps you a bit, Dave. I wish I had better “solutions” to tell you than this, but because we live in a fallen world where selfishness puts us in some tough spots, sometimes we’re left with alternatives that are really difficult to do.

          I hope and pray you can live out Galatians 6:9, even though it will be very, very tough: “Do not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” The good that you will “reap” may come to you in this life, and/or in the next, but I encourage you to persevere in doing good, hang onto your integrity, even though you have been handed a rough road to travel. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

  14. I am 75 and my husband is 85. I’ve never really enjoyed sex with him. He is disabled now and I take care of him, every thing like giving him enemas, etc. I’m being a nurse and he’s my patient. Sometimes he wants sex but I have no desire for him sexually. I can’t stand his touch.

  15. I almost can’t believe I am doing this. I have read and re-read this article and the attached ones, as well as the remarks left. My wife and I are having a very difficult time. I am 43 and she is 39. We have two elementary aged children and we are both heavily involved in our children’s lives and all the activities they do. She sees sex as a reward, and/or punishment, for doing and acting like she believes I should or for NOT doing as she feels I should.

    Of course, when we were first married, things were good, 3-4 times a week. Twelve years later, I’m lucky if it is 3-4 times a year. It started shortly after her weight loss surgery and has only gotten worse over the last 6 years. People say “do housework”, “let her have time to her self”, “pamper her”, “buy her sexy lingerie.” I have tried every one of these and a hundred more. I’ve even joked with my brother that, if cooking and housework equaled sex, I’d be having sex every day and twice on Sunday. I am barely allowed to touch her. Often I will go days and she won’t even speak to me.

    When I have offered to go to counseling or to our Pastor, she tells me she doesn’t have a problem, I do. She is constantly on her Facebook, phone, or laptop. Even when we schedule date nights, NOTHING! She has told me before that I “have two hands and can take care of it on my own.” When we do have sex, it’s almost like she can’t wait for it to be over. I feel dejected and rejected to the point of severe depression. I can’t count the number of times I’ve tried to cuddle up to her, only to get pushed away or told to stop smothering her. I’m at a loss as to where to go now. I have prayed, I’ve met with our Pastor more than once, I’ve even considered divorce or cheating.

    I nearly fell into that trap last year, but refused to risk losing my kids. I’m a father and husband first and foremost, as I feel God wishes. I’ve nearly given up, and back to that point again. We sit in separate rooms and watch TV, we hardly ever eat together. When we are together (I.e. Church functions, out as a family, even going to a little league game) all she worries about is what people might think. I can’t even imagine what she thinks about me posting this here. I live in fear of what she may say or do in front of our children, and how long she will deny me any sign of affection when I do speak up about it. I must admit, I’ve become very guarded around her. It has become a defense mechanism of sorts. I’ve tried to share articles, different films, anything I can do help her understand what she’s doing to me and our marriage, but it’s all MY FAULT according to her. Honestly, I have tried and tried, but am about to give up.

    1. Don’t buy her answers. Schedule the appointment with the pastor and if she doesn’t go, still go. Marriage is mutual, not one way. If you don’t address the issue, watch out, bad stuff will happen. Keep pressing forward, kindly and listen closely, but don’t give in to deflection.

    2. Hi Pat,
      Wow…! I can understand that this is horrible. I can very well sense how frustrating and hopeless this looks. It sounds like your wife is very happy with this state of affairs, but that you are climbing the walls!

      OR, your wife is quietly screaming, but has no idea how to change things.

      I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children.

      I do not have a nice easy answer to this, but I hope the following websites are of help:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
      I found this to be excellent.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc&ebc=ANyPxKpLZLtiWBH46qLTFZeCnnWJIAWHmu7mB1obzYFMvQMDAjqrwWR6mQKv-j-OLIe8y50Oas8-JXxXdBBpcH-Jv17ljvoY6Q
      Also very good- a scenario very close to yours starts at about 7 minutes in the clip.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w
      This your wife should hear….

      Here is what I would say to a wife in your wife’s shoes:
      What would make it easier for us men is to say “no” in such a way that we are confident that we are not being rejected, that you do find us physically desirable. This of course can be communicated during the times you are intimate. Be creative with us, Surprise us! Perhaps when you are tired or not in the mood, you would say, “no” with an arrangement for a date 1 or 2 days later, or whatever suits you both. Then, of course, please be sure to keep your arrangement. The following is particularly true (recent article on this subject): “A man can’t just turn off the physical and emotional importance of sex, which is why its lack can be compared to the emotional pain you’d feel if your husband simply stopped talking to you.”

      While women tend to connect through talking, cuddling, touching, the men tend to connect through sex. This statement makes a lot of sense to me. Each side has to appreciate the other.

      While you may not understand this, please take it to heart and demonstrate that you care. Of course, the women should have the room and freedom to say “no” as described above. But if you go that extra mile, your man is far more able to be the husband you want him to be. And if you re empowering him in this way, you will be happier, and the two will feed each other in a positive way.
      WP (Work in Progress)

  16. I’ve been married to my wife for going on ten years. She is seven years older than me. We were separated the first three years of our marriage due to my service in the armed forces. However, those were a great three years when it came to our sexual intimacy. However, we’ve had both had issues. Firstly I had to battle and cope with ptsd that was service related and she has had some health issues. It took us another three years or so of dealing and treating both those issues in our marriage. However, when we both started to get healthy both physically and mentally, our sex life isn’t and hasn’t been the same.

    Over the last three years I tried to initiate sexual intimacy on numerous occasions and get rejected for numerous reasons. After more than a year of that I just stopped trying. When we did have sex it was when she wanted it and she initiated. I got so tired of this that I began to not even sleep in bed with her anymore or work late. She got so mad at me she accused me of having an affair, which I wasn’t but she still did. I’ve voiced my opinion to her numerous times on this issue and her reaction was basically I’m an animal. I’ve grown content and focused my efforts else where in our marriage spending more time with her.

    Well, when that happened she started going to the gym with me and working out. She then wanted to have cosmetic surgery due to the weight loss from working out with me. She “wants to look good for me and attractive for me”. With the working out and everything she has began to initiate sex more often and basically the roles have changed. I began to make excuses saying I’m tired or maybe later and other excuses that I was subject to years ago. Basically I don’t mentally feel like having sex with her. Physically I’m in good health and great shape. I just don’t want to have sex with her. I love her but I’m not feeling it’s necessary to engage in sexual intimacy with her. After everything I’ve been through with her I just don’t feel it.

  17. My wife and I are finally able to begin discussing these issues openly and address our feelings. As a man in this situation I want to thank you! I feel like you nailed it! It has been very hard for me to try to explain my feelings to my wife, but you seem to understand my position very well and if my wife will read this article she will have an idea of what I’ve been feeling.

    We love each other very much, but there has been a steady decline in intimacy that has been very hard for me. I have struggled with pornography addiction in the past and work very hard to try to “tame that beast” on a regular basis. I want to be true and faithful in heart and mind and I want all of my intimate feelings and intentions to be towards her. I just feel like that poor sad guy sitting outside the door knocking watching the flowers that I bought her wilt (ya know). Thank you for your time and research on these issues and for sharing your experiences. I am happy to have found this article and foresee it being a huge help for us.

    1. Thanks John, your comments are encouraging! Keep fighting the war to put your past addiction behind you. It’s so very worth it! I pray that you and your wife grow closer and closer together with each coming year. God has helped us do that, even though we had a very dysfunctional sex life with each other earlier in our marriage (my husband was also addicted to porn… but “fought the good fight”, and now things are going so very well for us in our love life with each other). We just celebrated our 44th anniversary, and we are indeed blessed. I hope that becomes true for you and your wife :)

  18. My wife loves sex and wants to have it as often as possible. The only problem being I am expected to just jump on top and not expect her to touch me. I have gotten to the point where not having been touched below the waist for 15 years has finally led me to not being able to do anything. We hardly have sex, although she’s willing. But I can’t respond as I’m lucky if I can maintain for a couple of seconds. I tried everything over the years, using toys with her etc.. and spoil her rotten but I try to avoid sex when I can.

    We have spoken over the years time and time again to no avail. She just won’t touch me. I’m not a machine and can’t just be a roll on roll off guy. I think it was a mistake to get involved with one person for long term.

  19. April 10, 2016. Hi. I enjoyed reading this article. My wife and I have 4 children and 7 Grandchildren. Needless to say we had a great sex life up to 4 years ago. In 2012 I had prostate cancer and had my prostate removed. After my operation I cannot get a full erection (maybe 1/4) and was hoping it would eventually work 100% again but it hasn’t.

    The problem in my marriage now is that my wife does not even sleep in bed with me since April 2012. I have asked her many times why she won’t have sex and her reply is she can do without it and marriage is not all about sex and I should get over it. Unfortunately, I still have desires and needs and I would do anything to make her feel sexually gratified. But, now I need to satisfy my wants by masturbation several times a week. Her Mother denied her Dad for more than 10 years before she died, so I am thinking she is in her Mothers mode.

    I am hoping to find a way to help her change, or me, before I do something stupid like looking for sex elsewhere.
    Any input is appreciated. Thanks. Paul

  20. This is as well written article on this subject as I have ever read. It is balanced and thoughtful. Conversations are hard, but if they don’t happen, the chronic crisis becomes acute. This is not an if, but a when! The acute crisis will be life changing, damaging and take a life of its own. Thank you for your insights.

  21. I have been married for 27 years and my wife hasn’t slept in my bed more the ten times a year and we only have sex maybe eight times a year. I lost my business 3 years ago right around the time my 24 year old daughter passed away. My wife never had more then one minute to talk to me; it really hurts. She says she loves me but I can’t see it.

    1. Mark, First of all I am SO sorry for the terrible losses you have suffered in your life. Just one of those losses in and of itself would have been devastating but to lose your business and your daughter, to me it is unimaginable the pain you must be going through. I’m not going to address the issue of your wife not sleeping in your bed more than 10 times per year right now, because I think the primary issue that you BOTH need to address is the grieving process over the loss of your daughter; and additionally (for you) the loss of your business. On the scale of 1 – 10 of traumatic, life changing events, the combination of losses you have experienced is probably a 20.

      I Googled your town and “grief recovery groups” and there are a number of them. I can’t urge you and your wife strongly enough to get involved in one ASAP. I would also suggest that if finances permit you would also find a good Christian Grief Counselor. The combination could help bring healing into your lives even faster. I pray that you have a good support group around you, too. Also, here’s a link to an article on our web site that may be helpful to you: http://marriagemissions.com/a-childs-death-changes-everything/ In that article are links to more resources on the Web that might meet a need, too. Mark, my heart is so heavy right now for you and your wife and my prayer for you is that the Peace of Christ would surround you and that God’s arms would hold you both so close you would be able to hear His heartbeat and experience His compassion for you. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

  22. I stumbled on this site in search of what I can do to make my wife love sex. We’ve struggled so much on this and it seems am giving up since she has refused to understand me. I feel rejection when I asked for it and my wife rejects my advance. She rejects it with words like ‘you did one yesterday’ ‘leave me’, ‘your own is too much’ etc. At a point I was angry and I told her I won’t have sex with her again but she apologized. Alas! She’s back in less than a week. We’ve been to a marriage seminar where we heard of a woman who served her husband sex like food. I thought my wife will take a clue but she told me that’s her, I can’t kill myself. I hope if I give this article to her, she’ll change. I just pray God will help her to understand better. God bless you for the article.

    1. I pray the Lord ministers to both of you in your marriage to help both of you to give in the ways you can so you can make the other feel cherished and loved and fulfilled, emotionally and physically.

  23. Hello and praise the LORD! My situation is a bit discomforting as I tell the story, perhaps many of you will have some insight. I met my wife in 2011, whereby she worked as a receptionist at a local massage parlor that specializes in medical massage. I had suffered liver cancer in 2004 and afterwards a few car accidents, then became addicted to prescription pain meds and ultimately heroin due to my irresponsibility. During the time of my addiction I had appointments at this massage parlor 2x weekly for my auto injury where she worked. Now being strung out like I was, I had no intrest in any woman at the time.

    Then on Jan 13,2012 the LORD gave me the strength to check into rehab and over the next 12 days kicked the addiction Cold Turkey, which now I consider a Gift from GOD. When I came home and back into daily life, I started to talk more with her, and as the next months passed, she threw off signals of liking me. At that time I was also very heavy because I didn’t eat correctly, nor did I exercise. But I did like talking to her and ultimately decided to ask her out in September of 2012. She declined and said that she had a crazy weekend ahead of her and had no time. I said ok, maybe some other time and left it at that…This was on a Friday. The following Monday I had an appointment and asked her how her weekend went. She replied “Stressful and her computer failed becuase it was so old, and she was depressed.

    I felt bad that she had such bad mishaps, so I offered her a brand new in the box Computer I had at my office to give her a little break in life ..for free. She accepted and I dropped it off at her job. This was Monday. Friday came and I had an appointment. After the appointment, we talked and I asked her out to dinner again figuring maybe she wasn’t as busy…she quickly accepted.

    We had a nice dinner at a comfortable restaurant. Afterwards she came to my apartment and wound up staying the night. By morning, we were supposedly dating…

    This is where it gets a bit weird. Being on drugs for 8 or so years wreaks havoc on your bodily systems, so as a man, I was not up to par right away, and she let me know about it. After dating 2 months, she moved in, and a month later she lost her job and hasn’t worked a day since. This was a bit of an issue for me since I told her to take her time finding something she would like and I had her back. Well, she never even attempted to look and after a while I Just kept things going; paid for everything right down to personal items.

    By this time she was making it seem that although she was dating me exclusively, she still had a bunch of ex-lovers in her phone that she saw nothing with keeping in touch with. I had a problem with that because I never do that sort of thing, especially when your committed to someone. Anyway there was a lot of tension going on because I felt she, although had me as her boyfriend, she was always keeping other options open; by her actions of hiding text messages, disguising names, waiting until I go to the bathroom at the gym, then men shoot over to quickly chat.

    This is where I made a big mistake…instead of just ending things with a person like that, I instead spied on her. I installed spyware on her phone and keyloggers on my computer at home. I unfortunately did find out a lot of dirt and she was reaching out to ex-lovers. But the most disturbing thing was the ritual she used to do every morning.

    She would sit on the living room couch in indian style and sway back and forth moving her hands about herself. I found it a bit odd, but it really became odd when she would take out the Bible and according to her, GOD would move her fingers to a certain area of the Bible and she would share that with me. At first I thought it was ok. She would land on a Psalm or a certain scripture, and for the most part it was about behavior, husbands and wives, loving one another, etc. I would run some of these scriptures past some of the brothers and sisters in my ministry.

    I had warnings back then becuase it did not seem natural what she was doing…Then things started to develop into crazyness….She eventually stopped using the Bible and now she was writing down on paper what GOD was yelling her to do…all kinds of stuff…I must give away all my assets at the office to people, give money away, my office will be no more, etc.Then she started saying GOD was angry with her and she must obey or else. Take my cross off the wall, Jesus never died on the cross. Halleluia is not a word to honor GOD, etc,etc. .(That’s when I was convinced that she was praying to Satan)

    There is plenty more that I can say that happened ..After she saw I disapproved of her writing, she resorted to typing in the computer using microsoft Word and then erasing the file, but becuase I had the keylogger on the computer, I was able to see what she typed even after it was deleted…Crazy stuff, like GOD is a Horny God and having sex with her, how he knows I would not like it but doesn’t care…Crazy stuff like that.

    I confronted her and as always, it’s how I hurt and abused her. Well here I am now married and havent been with her as a husband in 23 Months. In other words she makes it very clear that she does not belong to me and what she does is what GOD tells her to do. She is still in my home using my vehicle, food, clothing etc. I told her to leave and go elsewhere as the sight of me repulses her, but she wants to stay in my home, sleep in the same bed, use my truck, etc.

    I have faith that the Lord will end this in his time. I dont believe in kicking someone out on the street, but it is difficult to know that you have someone who is supposed to be your wife that wants absolutely NOTHING to do with you. Her rebuttal is because of my spying 3 years ago is what caused this situation and she needed time to heal. I get that, but I havent been with her in 23 Months since then. If I see her 20 minuted per day, it’s a lot. 15 Minutes in the am before going to work, and 5 min when I go to bed, which is usually between 11pm and 12 am every day. I usually get up around 7:30 a.m. so I am out all that time. I just pray for the best. Thank you all and GOD Bless

  24. Hey Guys,
    Just to start give all the Glory to God. Well firstly I’m 26 years old and happily married with my beautiful wife. I just want to find out if its normal for once a week to have sex but more importantly we recently had our first child; she is 5 months old now. We’ve had sex only twice since the baby. But I just want to know, what can I do, to make her want me because at the moment I’ve decide that I am not going to ask her or tell her when will we be having sex because I want to see if she really wants me. I know she loves me but I’ve just been frustrated and fed up of always being the one to ask. Thank you

    1. First stop asking!

      Second lots of touching with no expectation of sex. Hold her hand, sit next to her wrap your arm around her, back rubs…but don’t at all go past that.

      Third realize how taxing growing and birthing a baby and then it doesn’t stop there is…now there’s sleepless nights, worry for this new little human, constant care involved. You wont be priority for a good long well…learn to accept that and don’t at all pressure her about it. It is her God given duty to care for this baby now as it is yours. Try to be helpful when she’s looking stressed and don’t feel jelious of coming second. If you play a 50% role with the new baby you probably won’t feel left out at all as you as well will be just as distracted with your new little baby as she is :)

      If you realize and live with all these things in mind, don’t pressure her, she will come to you for sex evenutally. It likely wont be over night but it will be massively sooner than if you pressure.

  25. I really don’t care if my wife doesn’t want sex with me, because I haven’t had sex with her in years – I think it might be about 35 years. She was a poor sex partner anyway. She was like my grandma, and I wouldn’t want sex from either one of them. Happy in my little world where everything is perfect.

  26. I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years. The first 3 years of our marriage, my husband had no interest in me or sex. He rarely complimented me and he made me feel invisible to him. He was always working around the house or watching TV or working. We went to bed at different times. It wasn’t like this before we were married. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and it was a huge struggle to wait for marriage (I wanted to wait). We were always kissing and he would hold my hand. He noticed me. That all changed literally the day after we got married.

    I would ask him to make love to me and would usually end up crying alone in the bathroom afterwards because he would want to get up and get doing things instead of holding me. He never initiated it and we would go weeks without touching. Until I broke down or got angry.

    We tried for a year to have a baby. I tracked my ovulation and the only times in that year we had sex was the day I was ovulating and I had to go ask him. It would be over in a minute. After I had our baby he didn’t go near me for 7 months. At 9 months postpartum we have probably had sex 2 times. Now I’m the one who doesn’t want it. I’m invisible to him no matter how hard I try to look nice. He tells me I’m pretty only when I ask.

    And… I cheated on my husband during my postpartum time. This man made me feel beautiful and he took his time with me. He pursued me. I know it was wrong. I know it was a sin. But now I don’t want anything to do with my husband sexually. He doesn’t make any effort during… sometimes not even kissing or touching me. I don’t want to waste my time and compare him with this other man. I don’t want to divorce but I don’t see how to fix any of this.

  27. I just came out of a marriage of 37 yrs, where my wife felt she had done enough for me sexually and didn’t need to do anything else. She even stopped dating me. So I got a divorce and then I got hooked up with a very nice woman. Now one year into our relationship, she gets in the habit of saying she is tired. She does work a lot of hours, but I feel like I’m going thru the same thing again.

    1. Time to start seeing what YOU’RE doing that is making your women distance themselves for you! I would suspect they feel devalued in someway. Time to purchase a mirror ;)

  28. Maybe somebody can give me advice on my current situation. I am going on 1 year of marriage and also have a 4 year old son. Everything between us sexually was going good until she told me that she was pregnant (2011). From that point on, everything went down hill. During the pregnancy, we had sex only 5 times and after the birth we didn’t have sex for several months. I gave her the space and time needed to heal in which I understand that time is needed for women. She gave birth that May and we didn’t do anything sexually until that October-November.

    Now just to give you some insight as well because I know someone is going to imply it. My assumption to why she didn’t want to do anything was maybe she was tired. So during that course of time and even now, I do more to take off the load from her back. When I get home, I immediately wash the dishes and begin to cook dinner (if it is my turn to cook). I clean our house and help out with our son. She was in school but just recently graduated in which I will discuss further. To give you an idea of the type of person I am in reference to her, I do little things to show my love for her. I do tell her I love her even though it’s not every day, I do other things to show my interest. I kiss, or just give her a little pinch here and there and maybe slap her on her butt. These actions don’t necessarily imply that I want sex but I do it to show that I haven’t forgotten about her and that I’m thinking of her.

    To get to the point, she shut that down. She longer wanted to be touched or bothered and if I did make some sort of physical gesture she would immediately move away from me. I thought something was wrong with me so I started to go to the gym and do better appearance wise but nothing changed. Eventually, I asked her what the issue was and she just said that there is no issue and that she was just tired. To speed up the time, since this initially started 4 years or so ago from the first time I heard of our pregnancy till now.

    I have brought it up literally on numerous occasions and also been to counseling on this same issue. Each time it has been brought up and during our counseling session she has implied that she will do better and work on it but there is no progress. I married her with the hopes things will change and of course I love her but to my disappointment, we’re still in the same boat. Maybe somebody can give me advice on what I should do. In addition, I’m 29 years old and this has been going on since I was 25. I’m still young but feel that she is ruining my sexual interest. Any Advice?

    1. Is she still holding a fair bit of weight since having the baby? If so my suggestion is to get more active with her without telling her that’s your goal. Tell her “you” want to exercise more so you will have more energy.

      I would suspect she just doesn’t feel good about her body. Having a baby is extremely hard on the female body. Even if she’s bounced back and not carrying extra weight its possible her self image has changed and she just doesn’t feel sexy anymore. She could still be feeling like a human incubator and no longer sexual about her body. It happens. Either way… Exercise and getting those endorphines going usually helps that. Hope that helps.

  29. I have been separated from my husband since March and have not had sex with him since mid Feb. He is begging me. I have lost total trust in him and what his motives are in our marriage. He has been emotionally abusive in that he has been very controlling of me and my kids. (THIS IS BOTH OUR SECOND MARRIAGE AND HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED 1.5 YEARS ) I have believed him before that he would change his rigid controlling nature. He is seeing a Christian counselor who in fact we have both seen together and individually. She actually said it is very unlikely he will change. He was abused as a child and has spent his life managing and controlling every part of his and others lives, I believe as a coping mechanism. I needed to separate from him as I was at risk of losing my 16 year old daughter (he was particularly unloving and unkind to her) as well it was really a super unhealthy environment with lots of conflict.

  30. My wife and I have been in disagreement for over a year off and on. She recently told me that she has no interest in sex, never did and she tired, she says she forces herself to make love. It’s painful, and that’s all I want her for. We have two kids and my family means the world to me! I’m stuck on what to do. I’m a faithful husband; I would never cheat! But I have needs too. Am I wrong? Should I be miserable? What am I doing wrong? I’m not perfect by no means. She is the love of my life, a beautiful woman inside and out! I don’t want this marriage to fail. Please help a hurting husband that tries….

    1. Only suggestion is…date her again. Since you’re rarely or not at all having sex anyways… instead of just dwelling on it and feeling miserable put it on the back burner, just like when you were dating and shouldn’t (lol) have been getting it on until married anyways. (This is a christian site after all.)

      Women and difficult creatures …everything is emotional…anxiety tends to snowball. If pressure is applied she likely will push back even more because it causes her more stress. So take sex outta the equation for a while yourself and likely she will ease in her stress about it.

  31. I am 23 and married. My husband is a wonderful man. I do not enjoy sex. I enjoy other sex related things except actual sex. I hate it, but I do it only to reciprocate what he does for me. I just want it to be over each and every time. It hurts, I get overheated. I’m not sure if it’s my birth control or history of recent sexual abuse. I don’t really care. I don’t even know why sex is so important that most base their entire relationship around it. I would be happy I never had sex again. I feel so abnormal.

    1. Hi Danni, You are not abnormal…your scenario plays out in more households than you think. But you should address the source of your trouble in the interests of your overall happiness and that of your husband. You are only 23! Your whole life is ahead of you!! Take steps now to overcome your inhibitions…the investment is more than worth it!

      I am a husband married 36 years…as a man I can tell you that in general, sex for a man is what talking and emotional sharing are for a woman. Both wives and husbands need to feel connected and “one” with their spouses. For men, this tends to be physical intimacy. It doesn’t mean “we want it all the time!” It does mean that we feel unwanted and unloved if our wives are continuously finding excuses to avoid intimacy.

      The key word here is “continuously.” Of course, we men need to be considerate…stress, the menstrual cycle, over tiredness. Sure- of course we should not get all upset if our wives sometimes say, “I’d rather not.” The problem starts when this becomes a CONSTANT pattern. In marriages where the husband and wife have sex so infrequently, that the higher desire partner is “significantly deprived,” for that person, touching and intimacy become a very BIG deal!

      I think that you can appreciate that CHRONIC avoidance of intimacy with your spouse, and yet expecting your spouse to remain faithful is a lot to ask don’t you think? I will also say here, that when my wife initates physical intimacy, right away, it encourages me to be more talkative and expressive with her. The one feeds the other. In this way we “take care of each other.”

      Sexual abuse is also a part of my history. Devastating, YES. But you CAN get beyond it! Your past does not have to define your future! If pain is a frequent barrier, then by all means, talk to a doctor and find the cause! Your husband will love you forever when he perceives that you are trying to get beyond this….. and you will start having the closeness and one-ness God intended when He invented sex!

      I would like to refer you to the following websites. They express this issue and solutions to it far better than I.

      http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpqHnk6Dh0U
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w

      I hope very much that this information and my brief comments help you. Your situation can definitely be reversed. Many have been where you are and have overcome this seemingly impossible impass…Take care… WP (Work in Progress)