Marriage Missions International

When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written because I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First, to the men who are struggling because their wife doesn’t respond to your approaches. I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I can guess, and I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue, but not being a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly (who along with his wife Lori, have a web site called The Marriage Bed —Paul also has web site called The Generous Husband), and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. So men, please read the following series of articles posted on web site (and you may even want to question him about this matter):




And then Neil Black, on the web site, Power to Change, wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:



I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

And for wives who are saying no to having sex with your husbands, I realize that this is a complex issue, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband with some of them being lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any loving, physical contact with him, pornography issues —either his or yours, where satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where you’re just plain too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children and job obligations, household chores, etc. Lori Byerly, of wrote a blog on this, that you may find insightful (I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions):


These issues are also addressed in other topics of this web site (with links provided to others). Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer, but I believe you will find the inspiration and at least some help to make necessary changes so you save at least a part of your energy to connect with your marriage partner.

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers, which remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation. I write a bit about it in the article:


If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound


There may be other issues, such as addictions (yours and/or his), and bitterness over marriage situations (we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well).

But whatever it is, please work on it. They say that “whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues, pertaining to our sex life together, but when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed or your husband has changed in your libido or your desire in wanting to make love. Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him have his way, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” Ultimately, that won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. If you look in the Bible, you see throughout it, that we’re told it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You know deep in your heart if you’re asking more of him than you should —letting him know that he won’t get it from you. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful. That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and has sexual desires that won’t quit plaguing him.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. It’s not that I needed to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I was wrong in not getting the help that I needed so we didn’t stay stuck in that place for as long as we were.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “he just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

And yes, it wouldn’t have been too much for some of that to happen, where he could “control himself” for a period of time while I was in therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. He COULDN’T understand. He had never been abused in that way. He couldn’t have known the depth of pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I needed to get help so I could work through my issues and we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something I expected from him without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners and I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and yet not be with me either. I feel that is true in most every marriage.

If there are physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it isn’t something that can be resolved (and you’re truthful —that it really can’t be resolved), then find other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative. Keep in mind that the important thing is that you are together, man and wife, without any other human being involved (physically or visually). This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

As I admitted before, there was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy I was married to. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I got help and we eventually came together and have loved on each other since.

But even so, even though my past is not an issue any longer, there have been a few dry spells where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband has. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner, and the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as understanding better the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s an important one —especially to the marital partner who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially most women) realize.

God showed me that when my husband needed to be close to me in that way, to try to never deny him. Sure there are some times when I fall to bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, when he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time (and then I make sure it’s soon). My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

And if it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. I know that there is a spiritual component mixed into the intimate time my husband and I have together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it, but as I pray and concentrate on giving love to my husband —lavishing him with love that comes from a heart filled with the love of God, eventually, I’m totally into it. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. It becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He sure does!

And here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire, that I ran across, that I though you may find helpful (I sure have):

“How often have you done this: you’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ The silly thing is that if you had started in the beginning, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.

“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! If you’re mentally excited, your body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too, but please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that is standing in the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this important way.

I want to close with something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). He is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. He can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You behind now to work in me.”

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.


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178 Responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex”
  1. Vance from United States says:

    They no longer feel they have to be sensual or sexual. Men on pause, hormones, they are fat and or skinny and out of shape. Thin does not mean sexy or in shape. They got ya and many men are in the same category as the women. They have just given up and it is disgusting.

    • Jay from United States says:

      I’m pretty sure body-shaming doesn’t help anything. People are what they are. Oddly enough, for thousands of years people have been together and procreating and their bodies likely weren’t what you think is “good enough.” What is disgusting is people who consume mass media (TV, magazines, porn) and think that two bodies that look a certain way are what is required to desire one another, when the desire for your spouse should stem from the basic premise of Genesis 2:24: “…and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.”

      This was pre-sin, so having sex and becoming one is the design of God for humans. Celibacy is not the natural order, nor is shaping your partner into whatever world-perverted object of sexual desire you think people should have to be to cleave unto one another.

  2. Amy from United States says:

    It’s not me the wife not wanting sex, it’s my husband that doesn’t want any sex from me. Our problem started the day after our wedding night, we had sex and it was clumsy because neither one of us had sex before. I thought it was OK I guess, but my husband had other ideas, he hated it and thought it was disgusting and in human thing that two people could do to each other. To him it was disgusting, vile, smelly, messy, not worth the effort and time plus he got nothing out of it. He told me he never wanted sex again, that was 45 years ago. He won’t talk to me or associate with me, he eats and sleeps in the basement where he has live all 45 years. He works constantly on the midnight shift hasn’t any friends, no TV, radio, computer, phone, books he’s a hermit. He has long ugly hair, beard and dresses in old polyester pants, shirts with no buttons a real slob.

    He isn’t gay or pokin some little hottie some where. I had him followed many times and they say he’s not doing anything out the ordinary. I should have left years ago, I didn’t have money or any where to go, and this is my fault. I got used to being treated like crap and wasted my life away. Here I’m going on 68 and things will never change for me, not enough money and no where to go.

    • The Truth from Brazil says:

      You have a screwed up life (no offense) but there is nothing normal about that. He needs medical attention… He sounds like a serial killer.

    • Duane from United States says:

      Amy, I mourn with you. I thought my relationship had issues after 23 years of marriage. Know The Lord Yeshua the Christ sees all and our time on this earth is but a grain of sand on a beach compared to eternity. Focus on The Lord even more and keep the faith. I’m sorry I don’t have great words to comfort you. Stay in the word (Bible) and know Yeshua is Lord.

    • Clint from United States says:

      Vance, Well said… or, written. I relate to you succinctly. Our situations are remarkably similar. My wife and I abstained for the final year before we were married, after 4 years of a secular romance. She is an amazing woman, who inspires me in a multitude of ways. But, for the past 7 years, the drought has been deadly. It’s been 2 years since we’ve been intimate, and she has no intention of rectifying that. She’s just not interested in sex. I have been a prick in the past. But, I have been more of a prince for the past few years. God has released me from bitterness. But, that callousness is resurfacing my heart again. And, like you, nobody in my men’s group gets it. Scripture this, and pray more. Life is but a vapor. Honor the marriage bed. How about honor the covenant of marriage?! I am required to bend over backwards and do all I can do, only to be completely unfulfilled.
      I am in despair. I am entrapped in a dark discouragement.

      • Jay from United States says:

        Fight for your relationship. Fight for what you want. Pray on it. Clarify what is acceptable. Show through word and deed what your expectations are in the relationship and how they are based in the Word. Either your wife loves you and will cleave to you, or you have a worldly marriage of convenience, money, and it is “for the children.”

  3. EdwardO from United States says:

    To the original author, I want to thank you for a really great article. In reading the comments, it is obvious that many saw this as blaming either the wife or the husband. What I read was a call to invest in our sex lives with the same committment as anything else in our lives (both men and women).

    I have been a husband for 18 years and struggled with our sex life for all those years, despite being a strong Christian and even a pastor for many years. During our dating time, my wife pursued me sexually and as much as I tried to say “let’s wait”, there is only so much a 20 year old male can be tempted with and not give in. We ended up having a sexual relationship for a period of time, but did stop for a time before we were married. I was so excited that once we got married, I would not have to deal with sexual issues. Well, it wasn’t long before her desire for sex disappeared and now I think fondly on those days. I don’t know what to tell my son, who is now a teenager. The Godly answer is “wait for marriage” and of course I believe that, but in my own life, pre-marital sex was better.

    I feel as if I need to say that I help around the house, hold a good job, NOT abusive, NO drinking, and do love my wife and think she’s very sexy. So, what’s my end point? This is a huge issue for Christians and we need to really TALK about it in our churches. I don’t feel like I can share this side of my life, and my wife and I need to keep up appearances of having a good, whole marriage. Why can’t I say I struggle to my church friends? Why can’t I say that I have sought out sexual relationships? (Haven’t actually done anything.) Why can’t I let on that I’m tempted every day to look at porn? That I look at other women and wonder what their sex life is? These are all temptations that God should help me with, so why do I struggle all the time? In the article, it says a man can feel trapped and I TOTALLY do. Why am I a part of a great church, but only feel I can be real in the comments section of an online article?

    If any other men who read this want to chat online and try and help each other in a Godly way, I would be happy to talk.

    • Joe from United States says:

      Good talk, we are in the same situation.

    • Mark from United States says:

      I feel the exact same way. Your comment was dead on. I have been married almost 13 years and haven’t had any sex with my wife in about 3 Months. No one to talk to about it.

      • Jay from United States says:

        What about the leader of your church? Or a counselor? And the most obvious, how about your wife? Here are some questions to start with:

        – What do you want your sex life to look like and what are you willing to do to make that happen?
        – What do you want my sex life to look like and what are you willing to do to make that happen?
        – What do you think I want your sex life to look like?
        – What do you think I want my sex life to look like?
        – If there is a disparity between these answers, how are we going to resolve the discrepancy?

        Make sure to listen to her fully and wholly when she reveals the answers to you. If you can’t have this talk in person, journal it as in Marriage Encounter.

        When you discuss what you want, and what your heart through prayer has been lead to disclose, make sure you make “I” statements on what you think and feel, and don’t blame your spouse or throw words into the your spouse’s mouth.

    • Nick from United States says:

      EdwardO, I’m in the EXACT same position as you. My wife and I just went through a 3 month drought. I’m 34 years old and have been married to her for 12 years now. To be honest, she has nagged me to the point of near insanity. I’m such a calm and easy going person that used to be incapable of getting mad, but now she can set me off into a rage.

      We were both very attractive before we got married and our sex life was great. We still are attractive now but she rarely wants to have sex. It seems like I’m always trying to be nice to her and do what she wants but she gets mad when I try to get intimate with her. I can’t be the perfect guy she wants me to be.

      Anyways, I don’t know if I can accept the lifelong celibacy. I’m almost to the point of shutting down on her and giving up. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is not attracted to me and wants to treat me like a roommate? I really do love her but I just don’t feel she loves me in that way anymore. I can’t leave though, for we have two beautiful boys together. I would rather be miserable in a relationship than to not be there fully for my kids. I just don’t know what to do, if anything

      • Nelson from Canada says:

        Hang tough pal, my wife and I have not been intimate in seven months, we sleep in separate rooms as she has slept with our daughter for the last three years. She is on anti depressants so has little to no sex drive. It would be okay if she was kind to me but she is a critic and I can never do anything right. I was thinking the same as you I could never leave because of our daughter but she watches tv shows that are rated for a 13 year old and they go to bed between 9 and 10, my daughter is five and these are not positive behaviors. Good luck, it’s hard to say what is right; I have no clue.

      • Will from United States says:

        Women have sex to make children with a high quality male. After that is over, she will just take you for granted as a provider and caretaker for herself and the kids. She may be dormant, sleeping beauty, until a superior male awakens her lust to carry his genes.

        All of this would be avoided if she too acknowledged her biology and took an active approach to heighten your present marriage, of course. You as a man must remember that women nust be more selective than men. Women are not conciously thinking all this. They are different than men, and men must work harder than women. Don’t expect a quality woman to be turned on by you if you have any flab, are not in hunter warrior physical and mental condition.

        Your pheromones can’t hint that you ate a pizza or a Big Mac yesterday. Sleep 9 hours a night, eat only vegetables, raw fruit and several servings of lean meat and salmon each day. Take vitams and supplements. Exercise at high intensity and with weights each day – if you don’t know what to do, just buy P90X DVD and push the play button every day. Again, sleep not 8, but 9 hours a day for a few months. Don’t approach her sexually untuntil her attraction to you is palpable.

        No time to do this, you say? Your wife’s vagina should be your joy. Forget TV, extra hobbies, even cleaning up beyond the bare minimum. You work hard and smart at your job. She will come around. If she doesn’t, you will be the fittest most successful man in your circumstances for miles.

      • Mark from United Kingdom says:

        It’s so easy for everyone to say to hang in there etc etc… The fact is you want to have sex and your wife isn’t giving you this. In same situation (sex now and then on her terms) -but what are we to do???

        Don’t want to break up. Don’t want to leave my kids. But I need to have more regular and exciting sex –this was part of the deal before marriage.

        Surely, if they aren’t willing to ‘join in’ then there is no other choice than to go elsewhere (this is from someone who has resisted temptation for years) – we haven’t changed the rules and it’s not fair.

    • Kc from United States says:

      I’m right there with you. We’ve been married for only 6 months and haven’t had sex in 5. My wife had a terrible experience on our wedding night and has flat out told me that she won’t have sex with me. I’m also a pastor, and feel as though I have no one to talk to about it. I’ve tried everything to try to change the situation. We weren’t sexually active before we got married but we messed around before marriage. Now I can’t even touch my wife in a remotely sensual way with out being told to stop, that I’m annoying her. It’s hard to not turn to things I shouldn’t. I’m completely at a loss.

      • Genesis from United States says:

        I’m sad to read all of your stories. I too am in a similar boat. I’ve been with my wife for 5 years, married for 2 of those years. I love my wife so very much. She’s the light of my world. But our intimacy is at nothing less than a slow crawl of that. I’m lucky if we make love once a month. If it goes longer than a month and I mention hey, we haven’t had sex in 8 weeks (or more sometimes) I get “you’re counting?” Like I’m in the wrong. I don’t know what to do. She’s tearing our relationship to shreds and driving me to constant porn and doesn’t even care. Half the time she just lays there and isn’t in the moment at all. I don’t know what to do. I love her and I question myself thinking if I just file for separation maybe it will be a wake up call. Who knows. Anyway, that’s my miserable story.

        • Greg from United States says:

          Genesis…after reading a bunch of these stories…yours is pretty much spot on to mine. But I’ve been married 21 years and my wife no longer wants to have sex. 3 months will go by without even mentioning it, then if I make a comment about it she gets all upset; then we fight about it for days! I just don’t get it.

          I do love her very much and I know she loves me…but not sexually!! I also enjoy porn…that’s my only “release” because I refuse to have an affair, but have thought about it several times, but never went through with it. I too will “count” the days…that must be a “guy” thing.

          I started this thing on Jan 1st of this year…every time we do have sex, I put a penny in a little box on my dresser, at the end of the year, I’m going to have her hold out her hand and put those pennies…(however few) in her hand, and let her know what those mean, so she can actually see the infrequency of sex!

          I am at my wits end, I don’t want a divorce, but I am assuming after my son leaves home (he will be 18 this year) I’m sure that’s what will happen! That’s my miserable story!

          • Will from United States says:

            Women are not direct. Women have sex to produce quality children if they feel well provided for and are with a powerful nurturing man. Once that is accomplished, sex is about maintaining the bond so the man works for her. She may feel your hissy fit or begging is your sign of connection or submission to her. Some women are closeted gay, have undisclosed trauma and never enjoyed a physical connection with you. In those cases, you may be screwed.
            But, in any case, take 3 months free of sex and spend an hour a day of intense resistance and eating like a gladiator. Sleep nine hours a night. Show her you want her.

          • Chris from United States says:

            Greg, your story and the others here are my story and I’d suggest it plays out in 20 million other American households every day. This seems to go on in any and all cultures. I have read everything on this subject. It is more than an epidemic. It does not matter, wealth, job, physique, nice guy, jerk, workaholic or 8-4 who spends lots of times with his kids, household, etc. We just can’t get any lovin’. It’s too bad because we guys will do anything and everything for our wives and with full determination when we feel appreciated.

            I have gone cold, no desire to pursue, it is as though they are begging us to leave.

            It is my conclusion that IF DIVORCE LAWS DID NOT PROTECT WOMEN THE WAY THEY DO, REFUSERS WOULD FEAR BEING LEFT AND BEING ALONE. BUT SINCE THEY HIDE, EVADE AND AVOID FORMING A PATTERN AND GET AWAY WITH IT, AND DIVORCE JUST MEANS NEW “FREEDOM” WITH A FREE CHECK (FROM THE MAN THEY AVOID AND EVADE) THERE IS NO MORE INCENTIVE. But to get a man, sex is not too far away. It is a cruel trick on men actually. We got duped and out of love and devotion to the family unit, we just stay and live with the emotional torture that IS A SEXLESS MARRIAGE.

            I was going to leave when my son hit 18 (that was my plan) but now have 2 more boys now 7 & 10. Wives sure seem to be all in when desirous of getting pregnant.

            Most women “refusers” will state that post divorce, they look back and wish they had done so many things differently. Divorce is so sad, but I don’t want to be the guy here who is 65 wishing he left at 45. Greg – Did you leave? I have concluded that I will build a duplex without her even knowing it and move into my own side. She can follow if she wants to have the kids nearby. I’m NOT leaving my kids but I will die early with this stress. I cannot fix it. God won’t force a woman to change but I know a woman can when motivated. We have to act. I am in year 28 of this mental emotional hell.

      • Erik from Canada says:

        I hear you, I had (have?) the exact same experience. First months after we got married it was all fine and dandy. After that, it was 9 months of nothing; she wouldn’t even sleep in the same bed. I went weeks without really seeing her. I would get up for work before her, and go to bed before she came back. On the weekends, she would go and party and then be hung over. Then one day it sudden changed… for a little while.

        But, now we are back at the beginning. She won’t cuddle; if I try, I’m bugging her. At one point I tried getting her to go to counselling with me, but she refused.

        To add insult to injury, I found out this summer she had sent topless pictures to some DJ from a club, and was busy telling another guy she loved him and couldn’t wait to make him hers. So much for 7th Day Adventist.

    • MarkA from United States says:

      A lot of your post could have been written by me! We’ve been married 19. It’s been nearly two years since we had sex. Was over a year prior to that one blissful month in between. Best as I can tell she hasn’t been unfaithful and doesn’t masterbate. Just says she has absolutely no desire but laughs at the idea of seeing a doctor about it. I’ve been working hard on making myself the best person possible. “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and “Mindful Attraction Plan” (books), dressing and grooming better, becoming more confident and not needy, being helpful at home while still being the breadwinner and doing fun stuff on my own that re-energizes me.

      We sleep in different rooms. Won’t even let me kiss her goodbye. We’re roommates going through the motions and I’m tired of it. We don’t really fight, there’s just nothing else there. Getting ready to shake things up -I need my WIFE back, not a roommate. She has said before I don’t do enough of the little things (gentle touches, etc) yet when I do she literally pushes away -and I mean literally. I know I didn’t offer you any help, other than to say you’re not alone brother!

    • Phattdadee from United States says:

      Edward and all others..I thought someone was writing an article about my wife and I. I believe one of my spiritual gifts is praying. You can be sure I’m praying for you and your wife! I’m holding on to the fact that NOTHING is to hard for our God! Absolutely NOTHING!!

      • TNnative from United States says:

        Phattdadee- I too feel as praying is one of my spiritual gifts. However, lately, it feels like my prayers have fallen upon deaf ears. I know that’s not the case. Perhaps I’m praying the wrong things? Do you have any advice, my marriage really needs prayer in the bedroom.

    • Harry from Australia says:

      Hi Edward, I’m in a similar situation as you. I’ve been to Bible college etc and love the Lord but that doesn’t help me so much in this department. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a male. My wife lays in bed all the time, almost 24/7 but she does not want me. I don’t want to commit adultery as I don’t want to do the wrong thing. You cannot have self sex as that is fornication, you cannot look at another woman as that is also adultery. You suffer if you do, and suffer if you don’t. I wish the Lord didn’t include sex in our lives as it is at times too much to bear. Hope to hear from you sometimes. -HH

    • Al from United States says:

      My wife knows it hurts me, but doesn’t seem to care at all. I’m going to ask for a divorce.

    • Jp from Philippines says:

      Sir, I recently got married and we are about to have our 1st anniversary July 2015. Is it my hormones as a male? That’s what’s confusing me? I’m athletic and my body needs my wife to be intimate with me but its been almost a year from marriage and I have concerns about my wife. During our pre marital days she was very aggressive and now that we’re married I have to force her to make love. She doesn’t want it. It led me to think to other women thinking how they are when making love, just to ease that pain.

      My desire to make love to my wife is so strong and unbearable because I love her. As a Christian I just tell myself that my wife is tired and simply doesn’t want it now. But I can’t stop thinking most of the time that she doesn’t want me anymore or I’m not good for her. I sometimes feel I’m being cheated, which I pray everyday not to happen, since I know I’m faithful to my wife. They say as a man, be faithful to your wife so that your wife will be faithful, as well. But we know that’s not the case most of the time. Need some advice.

    • Alex from United States says:

      I guess it helps (a little) to know I’m not the only one.

    • Chris T from United States says:

      To Edward O, has anything changed in the past year since your post? Do you still feel trapped as in No Way Out?

  4. John from United States says:

    Excellent article. Thank you

  5. Terri from United States says:

    Thank you for this article. I have never thought about praying about having desire, but I will now!

  6. Johannes from Chile says:

    Ref: Sexual health of elderly single men, elderly men… and clergymen …are likely to suffer prostate cancer, unless they care to effectively prevent it. Apart from a healthy diet; i.e. low in animal meats/fats, lots of fruit, Vegies and Omega 3 rich fish, Nature’s laws compel us as well to fulfill our physical true needs systematically, regularly and adequately. Of course this includes our sexual needs, since our libido or sexual drive is derived from inherited, evolutionary biological urges. Common sense and personal life experiences tell me that neglecting any one of our physical needs can only be detrimental to our health and wellbeing.

    Thus, regular sex is vital, for it helps to protect all men against prostate cancer and a good excuse to enjoy it more often! Medically viewed, it is obvious that stagnant sperm, stored at +37°C, will be subjected to bacterial decomposition. For the same reason we are advised to every time completely empty our bladder, as to eliminate bacteria activity and infections. Regular stools etc. are also required. Thus, I wonder: what makes some of us think regular sex is unnecessary?

    Furthermore, I believe that the level of our sex drive indicates our overall health; i.e. low sex drive or sudden, prolonged diminishing sex drive is the first event to occur before the onset of a serious chronic or even fatal illness.

    Frequency: As with anything physical, best is to allow nature to decide the frequency of use, for our fantasies and desires invariably lead us to error, abuse and decreased satisfaction. Men, suffering from perversions, depend largely on human interaction to overcome their psychological imposition in order to fulfill their fantasies, for the lack of it causes sexual dysfunction. In addition, men in relationships based physical (rather than emotional) inequality resent the libido curve of their wife’s sexual desire after menopause, and that also leads to sexual dysfunction. It is, because the libido curve of men decreases very gradually and lasts well into old age.

    There are indeed numerous occasions in which one feels sexually disinterested. It might be one is single, in old age or in bad health. Young, single men are less likely to suffer from lack of regular sexual activities, because they still enjoy being naturally encouraged to it. Yet, men over their forties and elderly men or in bad health are likely to neglect their sexual needs. Most of them got bored of worrying about it or simply do not care anymore about it as they used to, when they were younger.

    The former, because of changes in their partner relationship and the latter, because their female partner’s menopause issues: their declining estrogen levels lead to thinning of the vaginal walls. This, in combination with increasing vaginal dryness contributes to making sex more painful; albeit menopause can mean different things for different women. While some may experience a decrease in sex drive, other women find that with the right mindset, their sex drive may actually increase. Hence, it largely also depends on one’s mental attitude and metabolic constituency. Young drug addicts are also neglecting their sexual needs, because their drug abuse has virtually replaced their sexual needs and thus, ruining their health. Very sad, indeed!

    It is only natural for elderly men to experience a gradual decline in the sexual libido and frequency. Yet, some of these men are unwilling to comply with this fact and desperately seek to compensate their declining libido with extra marital affairs and even blame their partners for it. I also believe that it is unwise to succumb to sexual greed, because with every orgasm our libido decreases.

    The same happens to all our other physical needs. For instance, when we are hungry, the first round of food intake tastes extremely delicious, yet after we satisfied our hunger, more food intake becomes far less enjoyable and we are advised to learn to recognize our body’s genuine needs; i.e. allow rather our body’s true physical needs to determine the right amount and timing of sexual frequency.

    For younger, unexperienced men this might be pretty confusing, because our body is too often tempted by sexual fantasies, wants and wishes, which easily misleads us to sexual addictions, perversions and invariably ending up in frustrations. Trial and error and most importantly, self-discipline is the solution to this problem. Elderly men, confronted with this kind of dilemma are hard pressed to resolve this rather crucial decision in an irrational manner.
    Ref: Physical Health… Once we get over the age of forty, our genetically inherited health quality comes into play. Only then most of us discover the true extend of our inherited health. An amazing amount of diseases (if not most) are directly inherited from our forebears. In other words, one never can be quite sure what to expect next! Some, apparently healthy looking people, suddenly got a severe headache (brain tumor) and three month later they died. The cause for it is almost impossible to explain. Thus, it must have been an inherited, genetical or dietary defect which caused it. Therefore, it is vital that we get to know our specific health hazards, such as allergies, propensities and risks as soon as possible in an effort to avoid or minimizing the worst.

    Your parents, grandparents and ancestor’s fatal illnesses, such as diabetes, Alzheimer, cancer, heart, kidney, liver diseases or failures etc. offer us the vital information about the kinds of propensities to which we might soon be subjected or in old age. So, if we already now smoke and cough a lot, our body warns us to stop smoking. If we put on excessive body weight, our body tells us to change our diet, etc. Yes, it is true that there exist individuals, who are immune to smoking or overeating, but how would we know if our body can take it or not?

    Hence, it is wiser to categorically stay away from all risks and substances, known to harm the human body. I do my best by scanning the Internet for qualified advice on healthy food, good eating habits and health related matters. If thirty web pages confirm the same evidence, you might as well believe it to be true. Take any personal health problem very seriously, follow it up in every way and so, try to minimize its consequences.

    In several instances I was able to query the doctor and in one instance even remind him to prescribe two antibiotics, which he simply forgot to administer, because he lost the patient’s treatment records. Today’s most doctors are business-minded and do not have time to properly inform and help their patients to prevent the onset of a major disease, such as diabetes, prostate cancer etc. Thus, it is important to research the all available information and solution to our personal health afflictions on the Internet.

    Most overweight persons missed the chance to early control their eating habits. In a way they taught me stay clear from these kinds of avoidable health hazards and so, we all, can learn from other people’s mistakes and stay healthy longer. Remember: we have got only this one, our body and compelled to look after it. So, let us be kind to our body, mind and soul; to ourselves! If you really care about your health, I advice you to buy a copy of Campbell’s CHINA STUDY. The author is one of the last great, incorruptible scientists left on our planet we can fully trust. Let us honor this gentleman.

    Ref: Genetic inheritance… Today’s medical, scientific research efforts are largely dependable from profit-oriented business aspirations and thus, we are likely to suffer from the commonly known diseases for many more decades to come.
    Hence, our inherited diseases are going to cut short the lives of many people. Most of us lost close relatives and friends in this way. The thing, which makes me wonder is that too many couples with genetically inherited diseases, such as hepatitis C or propensities to various diseases, such as heart diseases, diabetes etc. or those of us, suffering from horrible afflictions, such as smokers, alcoholics and drug addicts, are having the most children, whereas most perfectly healthy people have non or only one or two kids.

  7. Rudi from South Africa says:

    Hi, I am in the same situation it seems I’m too afraid to confront my wife as it always ends and up in a argument and we end up fighting every time. I love her a lot but I’m starting to get urges to get sex somewhere else. How do I get her to understand the way I see things? I really love her a lot and I don’t want to go look for greener pastures.

    • Jp from Philippines says:

      Hi, I’m in the same situation and in fact, just a few minutes ago I had an argument with my wife. I opened it up to her about my needs and being a Christian enough to know why she is acting like that. But she got mad. Is this a red flag? Am I being cheated? I just celebrated my birthday yesterday and this is all I got, arguments. This is the 1st time I felt I’m being cheated or what. I feet paranoid. I feel almost tempted by other women, but I know I’m stronger than that. I can control temptation but our situation makes me weaker everyday.

    • Andrei from Russian Federation says:

      It is interesting that the majority of men in this discussions are not so bad guys, they want family, love children. I suspect that this plays the crucial role; women never behave in such way as described with “bad guys”. I have now the situation similar to described and my wife behaves in the way as described. Why? I love my son so much that I decided not have relations outside of family. In the previous marriage I had a lot sex “outdoors” and I suspect as the result, regular sex from my wife.

  8. John from United States says:

    I’m in love with a very attractive 45 year old woman but she says it could bother her les if she ever has sex again. What should I do?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      John, Please know that she is waving a red flag at you warning you that if you marry, making love and sharing in that type of intimacy will not be a priority for her (even if it is for you). Thankfully, she has been honest. Many women and men aren’t beforehand. You are being forewarned. And please don’t count on the thought that if you serve, and try to bless her sexually that she will enjoy it and change her mind. Most likely, that will not happen. If you decide to marry her, you will need to count on the fact that you will probably need to live like a eunuch –not being able to be together sexually because of her lack of interest. If you think otherwise, you most likely will be setting yourself up for unmet expectations and frustration.

      And please don’t allow yourself to think that you can cheat after you marry –either physically, visually (through porn), or both. You would be violating the sanctity of marriage, and will be compromising your integrity. You are being given a warning ahead of time. Very prayerfully consider what this warning involves. If you go forward, you are not allow to go back. Please don’t allow yourself to think otherwise. Do some people change? Yes. But it is rare and it comes from THEIR heart to change. It would be better to count on her NOT changing and what that would mean if that was true. Count the costs ahead of time. Are you willing to live closely together and not being able to share in this type of intimacy for the rest of your life? Remember, we aren’t talking a year or two or three. It’s for the rest of your life. I pray you obtain wisdom on this and hope you make the right decision.

  9. Lou from United States says:

    This is the first time I have been on this we site. After reading I appreciate the pure honest advice.
    Thank you so much, I don’t feel as guilty anymore!

  10. Johnson from United States says:

    And that’s when a guy decides to cheat on you and then women wonder why.

  11. Brian from United States says:

    My wife doesn’t like sex, never has since being married. I don’t understand; we had sex before we were married but then realized we shouldn’t and stopped. After getting married she didn’t want to have sex anymore. We have been married for almost 17 years and have three wonderful kids. I could have given you the exact date and time each of my kids was conceived because there was no intimacy 2-3 months either side of that one time.

    Now when I bring up that it has been a while, I get “I’m trying!” But nothing ever changes. We went for counseling and it helped until she got her next period then it reverted back to same ole same ole. I love her so much and loved her when she was a little bigger. Now she has lost weight and I take a back seat to not only sex but everything else in her life. She breaks our plans to go out with the girls. It is becoming very hard. She calls and texts with another guy who is married and she doesn’t see a problem with it because they are “just friends” from church. Frustrating!

  12. Trauma from Australia says:

    I’ve tried everything to please my husband sexually. We used to do it 7 to 10 times a week and he was never satisfied and yelled and screamed at me if I asked for 1 night off. This went on for 15 years and I did as you mentioned above. Kept trying, kept giving into his yelling to try keep the peace but it still wasn’t good enough. He would complain that it wasn’t long enough. 1 hour was not enough. He wanted it to go for 8 hours and would yell at me and ask “when are you going to give me what I WANT?” He’s addicted to pornography, he uses spy wear on me and others. I’m scared of him and traumatized yet I’m still here listening to him get mad at me every few days because I’m not intimate enough. I have to get out of this marriage before it’s too late. He sent me your article to read in the hope I’ll somehow be changed and want to get help.

    • A friend from United States says:

      What you’re describing is abuse. Physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Your husband is sick and he needs God. There’s nothing you can do for him. You are not an object, you are a God made human being with a divinely inspired purpose. I pray that the Lord will keep you safe and shield you from this man’s evil.

    • Jake from United States says:

      I think you are more than accommodating if you’re being intimate that much. It appears that your husband may be addicted to sex and it sounds quite unhealthy. I pray that you find a solution, but don’t allow yourself to be abused physically, emotionally, or sexually. Remember that you do have the right to say no. You are not a sex slave. Best of luck to you.

  13. Cathie from United States says:

    I don’t get all the whining about not getting sex. If you want it to orgasm get a vibrator or men use your hands. Sex is a want not a need. I promise you will not die from lack of sex.

    As a wife i don’t care for it and am only 35. I’m just too tired and have no desire. There is NOTHING weong with that. I tell my husband he’s got two hands- use them. I feel our marriage is doing well, leas fights than when we used to have sex. So somethings working. And no my husband is not cheating on me.

    I feel sex is for procreation. When we’re ready for kids, i’ll think about it. Seriously, people get over it or please yourselves. We’re not wild animals!

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Wow, Cathie… what a joy and blessing you must be to your husband –reducing him down to a hand job, rather than intimacy! What you wrote is so filled with selfism, it makes me wonder. Why did you even marry in the first place if you have decided (with no wiggle room) to do (or not do) what you want to do, when you want to do it without consideration as to what your marriage “partner” may be thinking or feeling about all of this? If this is what your husband wants, then fine… it’s your marriage, and your marriage bed and together, you are to decide what is best. But to marry and then to dump all of this upon your spouse as a “take it, and if you don’t like it, too bad” way of living is disturbing. And then you’re going around (like you are here) trying to get others to join you in this way of thinking and living within marriage, makes this all the more disturbing.

      I’m not thinking that you are not approaching this as a Christian (even though you came onto a Christian web site), because what you wrote certainly smacks hard in the face of what God tells us biblically (1 Corinthians 7:4-5). Again, if your husband is happy with this arrangement and he doesn’t long for more sexual intimacy with you than this… then that’s great. But if not, then this is pitiable, because that means that you are being a dictator in the bedroom. There is no mutuality involved.

      We have posted a video, from a teaching by T.D. Jakes, where he explains a bit about the differences in the ways that men and women view making love. The voice over in this video doesn’t match up, but the content is so important that we posted it anyway, hoping that it will bring insight in to those who never saw this issue that way. I’m not sure you would want to view it, but it may help someone else that is reading this. It gives voice to the man, where it can be missing sometimes (T.D. addresses husbands and what their wives may need in another video). You can find it and view it at:

      When we marry, we are to give consideration to each other –the husband to the wife and the wife to the husband. It’s a matter of marrying our lives together to live with each other in a way that builds love, companionship, and mutual growth (especially spiritually). To throw that type of consideration out, brings an unhealthiness into marriage… how sad when that is the case.

    • Mike in SoCal from United States says:

      Actually Cathie – for men, sex is experienced as a legitimate need just as hunger or thirst are. No we won’t actually die without it but the desire to be intimate with another human is built into us and extremely powerful. The best analogy I can come up with is like hunger I suppose one could live/survive off bread and water and a piece of fruit once in a while for vitamins. That wouldn’t be very pleasant though, would it?

      A man may be able to use his hands to take care of himself sexually when he has a wife that should be loving and caring to him and is able (but not willing) to be sexually intimate. The man eating the bread and water will want something of substance so badly even though he might have enough food to technically not starve to death. If he sees a steak or a delicious plate of food there may be nothing he won’t do to have a taste of that. He might do things he normally wouldn’t do. He might steal it, he might even hurt someone to get it.

      When you deny your husband the most basic components of a marriage he will eventually look outside. It may be looking at porn or it may be starting to venture into massage parlors or talking to an attractive woman at a bar while he’s on a business trip hoping for some attention or something more. We are in a society where there are easy opportunities for men to stray. Porn is available to anyone for free and there are no shortage of women available for men who need that physical contact.

      I understand this is hard for you to empathize with. It’s like trying to make a human understand what a bird must feel like flapping it’s wings and soaring through the air. By God’s design we are physiologically different in many ways. Certainly sexually men and women are often polar opposites.

      Whether you like it or not it is one of the largest driving factors into committing to a marriage for many men. Particularly men who abstained from sex prior to marriage, wanting to have that intimacy is a critical component of the relationship’s evolution. Getting married absolutely puts in place a reasonable expectation for a husband to be attentive to the wife’s needs and likewise for the wife to be attentive to the husbands needs. That may not mean having sex daily but to all out deny intimacy is unbelievably cruel. Just as he would be cruel to not be loving and caring in the ways you need him to be. Notice how I use the word need. Women also have emotional needs in order to feel loved. You won’t die without them but you won’t feel connected or loved without them either.

      I hope for you and your husband’s sake as well as for the health of your marriage you think about some things and seek some counseling perhaps individually and with your husband.

      • Angie from United States says:

        You know what Jesus never once had sex. Otherwise he would of never had been able to heaven in whole. Sex was created by Jesus to reproduce. To have children with each other… I’m 38 year’s old and never been remotely sexually active. Yes, I have children, twins, boy and a girl. They’re 16 year’s old. I’ve never had the urge to have more. A woman isn’t meant to be a man’s hearth, either is a man. About 65 of women don’t want sex or need it anymore. Women are just built this way. And sometimes yes, there could be a hormonal imbalance. But that can only be medically fixed for so long. Not even a therapist can permanently fix someone’s sexual problems. I’m sorry if this offends anyone.

    • Trauma from Australia says:

      Well said Cathie. Cindy Wright is promoting domestic violence by telling women to not deny their husbands. She didn’t reply to my post about how my husband would scream at me for sex even when he was getting 7 to 10 times a week. If I dared ask for a night off he would scream at me. Then he sends me Cindy Wright’s article. I am so angry. She is giving men the right to abuse their wives if they dare deny them. This is how my husband sees it. Why have you not responded to my posting Cindy?

      I didn’t deny my husband because I was too afraid to for 15 years. I got verbal abuse from him daily about everything. My kids got verbal abuse from him daily. We lived our lives trying to make him happy in everything we did. We had no time for our own happiness. We don’t ever dare ask for something from him. The sex was never good enough for him. It doesn’t matter how much heart I put into it.

      In the last five years and with lots of counselling I have learnt to say “no” and my husband doesn’t yell as much. The less I give in to him the less he yells. So then I start giving him more. hen he starts yelling more. As soon as I start not being all over him all day the yelling starts. So then I start denying him. He starts to yell less and so it goes round and round. It is a want and Cathie is right. Why do we have to give up our bodies. Why do you not respond to me? Am I to live my life as a hostage? To be treated like a slave?

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        Dear Trauma, I’m sorry that I haven’t responded before now but please know that there is nothing on the web site that promises a response to every comment that comes in. We CAN’T answer everyone’s comments… we get thousands of them a year, many that you don’t even see, where they email us directly. There simply is not enough time to answer them all. We don’t have the time, nor the resources, nor do we believe God is asking us to respond to every comment. We offer the articles, blogs, recommended resources, links to other web sites, etc… to help in the ways we can, but we can’t possibly address, nor help EVERYONE that comes onto this web site. We aren’t all knowing, or all being.

        Also, please know (as we have often told people) that we aren’t counselors –never claim to be; we’re marriage educators and mentors. We can’t help all, but we CAN help some and also hope and pray that others will be inspired to help, as well (which we see happen quite often). Trauma, I just now read your 1st (and second comment) and I can’t see where you’re asking for help from me in particular, so please know that I’m not avoiding you, I just am ministering where I can, when I can, and I’m sorry that I didn’t give comment to what you wrote, and that it troubled you. I never want to do that to anyone.

        With that said, if I HAD seen your comment when it was first posted, I probably would have said that your husband’s behavior appears to be troubling, to say the very least. Love is not demanding, nor is it selfish, or abusive. The fact that he’s using porn and spy ware and such is sick. And the fact that he used this article to throw it in your face is troubling too. He is taking the article out of context. It’s not meant to be used as a weapon, but as a tool to come to a better understanding of each other. Please don’t take it out of context either. The advice given is not a “one size fits all” situations. The things you have pointed out in your first comment shows that. Just because your husband took it that way, doesn’t make it so.

        From what I can perceive from your comments, you both need help. He needs it to stop the horrible, damaging behavior he is exhibiting, and you need it to figure out how to best deal with this type of situation. How I wish you would have reached out to address this before letting it go on for 15 years. I can’t imagine letting it go on, to that degree, for that long. But maybe you just didn’t have the courage, or insight, nor the tenacity, or whatever before now… I’m not sure. I can’t look into your life and into his to know all of what either of you were thinking, but I sense that yours were pure in waiting.

        What I DO know is that I would NEVER give men (or women) the right to abuse their spouse. That’s not even close to who I am or where I’m coming from. That is absolutely wrong, and I would never defend that type of behavior. An abuser will take even innocent, or even rightful things and blow it out of context. Please don’t allow yourself to receive that type of hurtful behavior, as being one based on truth.

        As far as Cathie’s statements… lets just say that I’ve seen where hurt people often hurt people. I definitely don’t agree with what she says. I can understand why and how she could get there, and sympathize, but there is the other extreme… BECAUSE a spouse is hurt, it doesn’t give them the right to do what they shouldn’t, in retaliation. Neither marriage partner should act like a dictator in the bedroom. Help was needed long before it got to that stage of bitterness. And I say the same to you. No, you should’t “live as a hostage” or “be treated like a slave” …get help from a counselor that deals with these types of issues and see what you SHOULD do, rather than react out of rage and bitterness. I can well comprehend why you would be tempted to do this, but it’s not healthy for ANYONE involved. I hope and pray you can and will, and hope the best for you.

        • Trauma from Australia says:

          Thanks Cindy for your reply. I appreciate it and understand that you’re not promoting verbal abuse etc. I’m sorry for my outburst but was so angry when he sent me that article. I took it out on you. It’s him I should be angry with. Any how lots to discover and learn. We have separated once and may have to soon again. I’m now not sleeping with him and trying to explain to him why what he’s doing is not acceptable.

          I’ve been trying to do this for 21 years but some how he thinks everything is my fault. I think I may be getting through to him however. Although I thought I had the last time we separated and that’s why I came back. Sorry again for the outburst.

          • Cindy Wright from United States says:

            Thanks Trauma, for saying what you did. I appreciate it… I sure understand how mad you could get with all of this. I pray for wisdom for you in dealing with the issues you and your husband are having (and have been having). God bless.

  14. TimMc from United States says:

    As a husband of a wonderful woman for the past 31 years, I too have struggled with the almost complete lack of intimacy in our relationship. Still do. I don’t know why but since the birth of our last child 20 years ago I’ve been cast adrift in a sea of rejection. She always has a reason why we can’t this time or makes promises for a later date which she doesn’t keep.

    I’ve been loyal as a bulldog, helped around the house, listened to her, been there when she needed me, been tempted to stray numerous times, but I’ve never acted on it. Yet nothing. Like all I was good for was to be a sperm donor. The two or three times a year we do make love, she’s able to achieve orgasm. I do my “job” as her partner even at the expense if my own pleasure. I’ve prayed about this, communicated to her in a non-threatening way and still I’m made to feel as if I’m putting her out if I ask. I’m at a complete loss…and it’s killing me inside.

    Our wedding vows said to have and to hold. Frustratingly I say, apparently that goes no further than holding my desires in permanent check.

    • Peter from United States says:

      It looks like I am in the same place as you Tim Mc. All in all, I’m aware of the fact that women seem to fall into three categories, 1) those who use sex to achieve something, in our cases to gain the affections of a man they like and want to get married to, 2) those who really rather wouldn’t have sex but do so out of religious obligation or fear of a violent man who is effectively raping them and 3) those who have what they want (or feel that they don’t have anything to benefit from giving sex away anymore) and also rightly don’t want to feel compelled to do something intimate if they don’t want to.

      I suppose, as a husband, this is the sort of thing that we simply have to tolerate. What would you rather, have a wife who is driven to resentment for forcing herself to be intimate with a man she gets no benefit from being with? Or perhaps one that has to close her eyes and bear it because Yahweh or Allah will smite her otherwise?

      There are a number of ways to reduce your libido: lots of coffee, staying up late, really pushing it in the gym. That’s what I do, because all you would otherwise be doing is just getting both of my frustrated and driving the relationship apart. Focus on other stuff and let do your part by letting single guys in on what they can realistically expect from marriage should be considering it.

  15. Hollis from United States says:

    Well I’ll say this, I’m taking comfort in the fact that I’m obviously not alone. However, I must confess not much you see for many years now. Since my second daughter was born my wife put her in the bed right in between us and that has never changed for 9 years now. I finally figured out why. She never really wanted me like that any longer. The best I can figure is that after children women stop wanting their husbands as sex was just a means to a end the children!

    I, for years, would shower constantly, take way too long to dry off, lay around on the bed thinking she would come into the room and this never happened, ever. Oh she would pop in, but cleaning the trash can was way higher on the list than sex, so it must be my body, my hair, my beard, my not having a beard anymore, my lack of romance, my lack of helping around the house… Believe me, DO NOT WASTE your time. That’s not the problem.

    Every time the conversation would go to “that’s all you men want.” What if I couldn’t have sex would you leave me? Of course not, I would reply… but you’re not sick. Truth is it’s not all we want. It makes us feel loved in a way that makes us special. It’s the only time we get this kind of hugging. kissing etc…

    So then it must be we need more God, more church. Trust me, that made it way worst WAY worse… just for me and her though!!! I’m in no way suggesting you turn away from God!!! because I did and blamed God for a while saying I did as you told me and look now, she really won’t even think of me in that way. Now it’s suddenly nasty and so am I for wanting it. Now what I miss most is very long wet kisses. You know the kind that are just fond memories now.

    Anyway I digress, I now have tried to move into my own room. At least I could have my own space, and besides I have so much built up animosity toward her now I don’t want to touch her as it would be just sex period, pants back on, going back to my room. I love her and don’t want to think of her that way… but it is what it is.

    I lost years thinking I could do anything right, and ladies, if you love money, give your husbands sex. He will be the man at work at business, at going out thinking he can do anything, and without it he will feel like me. I don’t care it doesn’t matter, and well hopeless.

    I have even thought why both living? No one will miss me but that’s not true. My children do love me and thank God that’s enough. I said that to say ladies. Sex is VERY important to your husband. It’s what makes you different from all the other women and believe me, if they’re like me they get approached a lot by other women, A LOT. They don’t want that; they want you!!!

    So I have now, as I said, moved out of my wife’s room and into mine. I have shut down on her emotionally. In my mind we are roommates and it’s making it easier for me, bottom line. Just stop caring and feeling and you’ll feel way less hurt. You’re not going to leave your kids period, right? So good luck to you all.

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Hollis, you and so many other men who have commented on this web site (and other web sites) have really touched my heart. To stay, when your wife has decided to dictate what goes on in the bedroom, and what goes on in your intimate life together (or lack there-of), is so very difficult… I realize that. I SO commend you that you aren’t cheating (as you said you wouldn’t in your wedding vows), and you are staying for your kids, so their lives don’t have to be so upset, plus, how much you would miss each other, if you left.

      How I wish I could impress upon wives not to do this to their husbands –that just because they don’t understand the need, doesn’t make it any less real. God has used me to help wake up some wives… but there are still so many that jet don’t get it. And the same goes for husbands that don’t communicate with their wives, help around the house, and help with the kids… that just because the husbands don’t see the need, doesn’t make it right to ignore it, as if there isn’t one.

      Again, to Hollis, and other men who have been really trying to be there for their wives and yet their wives aren’t there for them in the ways that they need it and don’t connect in intimate ways with their husbands… I support you with my admiration and my prayers. Thank you for hanging in there, being faithful, and being there for your children. In a world where so many go the unfaithful route, plus leaving their children behind, you are a beacon of light, despite the darkness going on around you. I truly admire your faithfulness. I just want you to know that.

    • Will from United States says:

      My wife just wanted kids and someone to pay the bills. Asking her to get a job, get busy in bed with me, hearts and flowers, dates, was all a waste of time. She would participate in bed 3 or 4 times a year and quickly get dressed with the lights out, no kissing. This went on for years. I drifted at work, got down, and fat.

      I don’t think all talking helps. Women will be dormant until a superior fit, confident, wealthy prince comes along and she will drop her panties in a heartbeat. Women are not loyal left to their own devices, even less than men.
      What helps? Get in superior physical condition. I mean pack on muscle, eat vegetables, fruit, fish, and lean meat. A man’s pheromones are off if you ate even one fast food meal in the last few days.

      I did this and began getting laid almost every month. Is that enough? NO. But I regressed, and am pushing forward again. Women on the street are beginning to notice me again after decades. I won’t quit. Put in P90X in your DVD player or lift weights. Sleep well at night. Maybe your wife is mentally off, or too dumb to take care of her marriage. Well then, it’s up to us if we become aware of what’s going on.

      Even if you’re getting older, you can still transform your body with discipline. Respect yourself, and she might too. In any event, you’ll feel good again, your work will go better, and you’ll have better times with your family.

      Believe me, my marriage may not go well, but this fundamental change of treating my body as a temple to God has made an enormous difference. When I do get lucky, I enjoy it a lot more!

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        Honoring your body as a “temple of God” does NOT include dishonoring other women by having relationships with them, when you took the vow of marriage. Don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly –because your wife is dishonoring you, solutions to cheat and do that which you should not, are acceptable. They aren’t. We’re sorry for your pain… truly. But even when your spouse does wrong, it doesn’t give you a license to do wrong, in response. Be an honorable man, one way or another.

        And also, please don’t put all women in the category of doing wrong by withholding, and/or being “too dumb” to take care of our marriages. That doesn’t give women like me enough credit (who wouldn’t “drop her panties in a heartbeat” when another man comes along, “confident” … “wealthy” or otherwise). Also, it dishonors women who have husbands who do wrong, and yet they’re trying to still do the right thing regardless. Some husbands do wrong and some wives do wrong, and this shouldn’t be, in either case. Taking care of your body is good, but getting it ready to be “lucky” as other women notice… is NOT treating your body “as a temple of God.”

        • Will from United States says:

          I do not give in to the temptations and cheat. I do recognize that now & again occasionally women I encounter have a palpable sexual reaction to me. It is not a choice, just a reaction and I do not pursue it. Women at their base want the highest quality genetic male to reproduce with who will also provide for them. The majority of women and men are stupid and follow their instincts.

          A woman who is not self aware, or following wriitten biblical commands will ruin her marriage by not nurturing or engaging with her husband after this primal need is met. Men are sometimes loyal, and women even less so. That is why there are always a few men who sire a lot more children with many women. Women are genetically programmed to be sexually dormant until awakened by ‘love’ by a superior male.

          Ever watch those daytime shows testing who’s my baby’s daddy? Only the law keeps women loyal. Women will forget how good the sex was the last time they had it. Then go years without it. Women also forget the pain of childbirth. The most intellectual of women can’t seem to keep a husband let alone all the other ones still recalling their glory days when every man with a pulse wanted to give them preferential treatment as well as have intercourse with them. Women and men must understand our basic humanity to function as Christians.

    • Al from United States says:

      I understand, brother. I’ve been through the entire cycle thinking something was wrong with me, wondering if there were other issues, etc. It has nothing to do with me. She thinks sex is nasty though she was a lot of fun before marriage. I try to be a gentleman and take into account her feelings. I’ve even asked for some time together. There’s always an excuse. No explanation. Or, she simply rolls over and goes to sleep?

      So, I’m at the point where it is obvious she does not care that this greatly hurts me. She does not appear to have any concern at all. It’s all about her. So, would I be the bad guy for saying enough, filing for divorce, and starting over?

      • Brian from United States says:

        Wow, sounds like my life. Don’t do divorce. I’ve been down that almost road and the other side is just as bad but less time with the kids. Love my wife and I know she loves me. I would joke sometime and call her “roommate”. I just think it’s really time for someone to let women know that they too have responsibilities to the happiness of the family. God made women the center of the family (and men need to act as if the woman is!) but this holds lots of responsibilities and the biggest is self awareness.

        Be aware if others (and things) are becoming a wedge between your husband and family. If your husband is trying to love you, really love you, you need to also try. And “try” holds no tally. Fight as if it’s the fight of your life to show each other at all times that they are #1. Always, always, always, put they other first and show it. Someone once told me, “within 5 seconds of meeting someone, they should know you are a Christian.” And that should apply to being married and how in love you are with your spouse (women too!).

  16. George from Zimbabwe says:

    Your stories are all so horrible (not a laughing matter). I think mine sounds more of a bugging fly. Mine is a frequency issue. My wife wants it much less than I do, she’s so overworked both at her workplace & home chores that she sleeps more often, and is too tired to even consider sex. But that doesn’t lessen my desire for regular satisfying sex from her. I’m tempted daily to just seek for a young lass to quietly fulfill my legitimate hunger but I would feel terribly sinful & my conscience just wouldn’t allow me. She isn’t too keen to discuss the issues either. We are 12 yrs married, with 2 lovely kids.

  17. RichieT from United States says:

    6 years ago we had a son then she would not let me touch her. My wife and I have been married 11 years and I haven’t had any sex with my wife in about 4 months. And only about maybe 8 or 9 times since he was born. I’ve tried to talk to my pastors. They never have the time. There is no one to talk to about it. Porn is the only friend I have.

    • A friend from United States says:

      I’ve been married 12 and since our two children were born it’s been the same for me. We had sex more often before we were married than since, but don’t be discouraged. Porn is not your friend and it never will be. Those women are paid to pretend that they enjoy what’s being done to them, they don’t. Most of them are high on something while shooting those videos because they find the reality of what they’re doing too disgusting to to live with sober. Porn perpetuates a lie that there are women in the world who want that. The truth is there are none. No woman, anywhere, ever wanted that.

      I struggle with this just like you. The rejection is painful, but my wife simply has no sexual desire. There is no miracle cure, no therapy, no counseling that’s going to change that. God made her that way just like he made me this way. I don’t understand it, but I trust that he knew what he was doing. I love my wife and I made her a promise for better or worse when we got married. The dry spells are the “worse” part in my opinion, but I’m a man of my word and I’ll be darned if I break it, no matter what it costs.

      • Will from United States says:

        Women are asleep until you awaken them sexually. Read the posts: we have sex 3 times a year and when we have it she enjoys it. Then nothing. Women cannot remember from one time to the next. They even forget the pain of childbirth. Women will be sexless, then some super genetic male will make them do ‘crazy’ things out of character. This is part of their animal side. Society controls our women by shaming them, and teaching men not to be cuckolds. Men and women in marriage must be self aware of our different reproductive drives. That is why the least educated members of our society are always saying, who’s the baby’s daddy?

        I got a wife who was damaged to the core socially and sexually, and even so, my new awareness of our differences has brought a blessing of sex at least a few times a year.

  18. Joe from Canada says:

    After our daughter was born (about 10 years in our marriage) our sex life diminished. Six years later (three years ago) it stopped. I’ve always been a kind loving and faithful husband but despite trying everything in the book she just told me she didn’t want to make love. She gained 50 pounds and I thought it was her own self image and I tried to help her get in shape but she won’t have any of it. I thought perhaps it was me and so I worked out. That didn’t help. I’ve, of course, kept praying and I still pray. Lately I’ve turned to pornography, which I find helps me fight temptation in the real world. I know it’s wrong and it makes me feel guilty. The lack of intimacy has made me lonely.

    • Richard from United States says:

      We all have our stories of who’s right and wrong. I too am married for 20+ years. It seems like after the intitial crash of knowing that you won’t be getting any sex, the feeling just begins to draw itself in many other situations. Soon it becomes this. Then it spreads to that. And now we find ourselves paying some massage chic to do what our wives won’t.

      I feel bad. But as time goes on, the cheating feeling doesn’t feel so bad. But I’m just frightend about what God is going to do to me for my mistakes. I want to say that my wife likes to make love. But she doesn’t. She has put on about 30 lbs and thinks that there’s a pill that can burn it away without lifting a pencil. If I try to help with any suggestions she takes it all wrong. And again, I’m left with no one to talk to or to hear me. I’ve gotten use to letting things go when it has to do with my wife. We’re both still kinda young. We’re both 40. And as long as we have been married you would think that we have it together. NOT.

  19. Fred from United Kingdom says:

    My wife told me about 6 years ago not to make love to her any more. I was doing it for my own pleasure. Not true. Not just my own pleasure, I thought. 12 months ago she owned up to an affair 33 years ago, which she didn’t know I knew about. However she also told me that my eldest daughter wasn’t mine, which I didn’t know.

    God told her to tell me. The truth sets you free apparently. Well its destroyed me. I am now suffering with serious depression. I am probably going to have affairs. I’ve always been faithful but I don’t think I will be any more. As a Christian she thought I would say I forgive all involved. She was wrong. I dealt with it years ago and forgave her. I’ve lost my faith. I have told her that I used up all my forgiveness on her. I am now twisted with hate, suicidal and worse.

    I still love my wife but she has shown few signs of wanting me sexually despite telling me that she would like to be intimate again. I won’t ever ask again. Is there any hope? I don’t feel that life is worth living any more. The only thing that keeps me going is my 4 children and grandchildren.

    • Richard from United States says:

      Hey Fred. I am not going to tell you that you must do this or that. I am not one to give advice due to the fact that I’m not an honest person when it comes to my wife. If I were going to give advice I know that it would not mean much. All I can say to you my friend, is whatever you do, don’t give yourself away to the dirt. You have lots to attend to whether you’re with or without the wife.

      None of us are saints. None of us are useless. We all have a purpose in life. And soon, very soon, you too, my friend, will see the light at the end.

      I chose to give my love to those who are not decent people. I don’t like to have real sex with women. I just allow them to play with my endings. It’s not a wise decision. I hope you find reason to get up. Thanks for sharing your issiues. Don’t feel left alone. We’re all in the same boat.

    • Chris T from United States says:

      Fred, how are you since your April posting?

  20. giving up from United States says:

    The intimacy in my marriage has been terrible since day 1. I’ve had a few revelations in my life over the last week. I still desire sex, but not with my wife. All the years of rejection(12) have taken their toll.

    Message to the spouses out there who refuse their spouse: Sooner or later we will stop coming around, we will simply be to you what you’ve been to use for all those years which is nothing more than a roommate.

    • 2 time loser from United States says:

      Amen brother. First wife cut me off at 28 yrs old. Spent the next 10 years trying to figure out what went wrong, why it was happening, who was to blame, and how to fix it. Over time blame took a new twist and I wasn’t sure who was to blame anymore, because I quit trying too. Out of a 24 year marriage, all we were was depressed, angry, and very lonely roommates. At 38 I cheated and then divorced her. Now after 5 years of being remarried, the same thing is happening. Why can’t women understand that even though sex may not help to make a marriage better, it will help from making it get worse.

  21. Now What? from Australia says:

    It’s been many, many years since my wife and I have had sex. She suffered a botched gynaecological procedure which nearly killed her and absolutely killed our sex life – not that it was so great beforehand. Since then, she has suggested that I have casual sex with other women. This has been a relief, because until then, I started using cocaine in an unsuccessful effort to kill my sexual desires, to match our dead sex life. Since having started an affair with another woman, a widow with a high sex drive, I’m now drug free.

    This is not what a marriage is supposed to be about. What do you suggest, other than reading the Scriptures?

    • Frustrated from United States says:

      When Jesus said to the prostitute “…go and sin no more” (out of context) I have been thinking about this for sometime. I have come to the realization that sin is a word used in judgement and usually when it violates the Commandments (Old Testament). I also know Jesus came to teach love and forgiveness and countered teachings such as “an eye for an eye” (Old Testament).

      The bottom line is for me the Golden Rule that seems to frame it all. With that in mind if I continue to be denied my marital rights to sex with my healthy mate I am no longer married in principle, only in law (certainly not in the eyes of God). The marriage can no longer be called that and needs to be terminated if at all possible. Sometimes that can’t happen until later for many reasons. In my case not for many yrs, perhaps never until “death do us part”.

      In my moral judgement that makes me a free man but only with the principle of “bring no harm” so I will be discreet but not filled with guilt.

      • Strado from United States says:

        Frustrated, I feel the same way. I have been with my wife for over 34 years but have been married for only three. We never even consummated the marriage and have not been intimate in all that time. I’ve been very patient and have been a good husband. Even before getting married I was faithful and we had two children.

        I should have seen the warning though as when she first got pregnant she told me that I didn’t have to stay because she wouldn’t always be alone. That hurt but, because of my own dysfunctional childhood, I swore to myself that no one else would raise that child. Things were ok and we had another child nine years later who is still at home finishing college and has a commitment with the Air Force upon graduation.

        The problem is no matter what I do she seems to never want to get intimate anymore. She is very religious and goes to mass/confession several times a week. She has also been working out and has lost a couple inches around her waist. My gut tells me she is not faithful but she swears she is. Last weekend we had a few drinks while watching movies and later I tried to initiate some intimacy but she totally rebuffed me. I got really frustrated and told her what I think. Now we aren’t talking, I’m sleeping on the couch and seriously thinking of ending this roommate thing once my son is gone.

  22. Tom from United States says:

    Mainly because of health issues, there have been times when we were not intimate for a lengthy period. I understand that. However, whenever my wife goes through an emotional stressful time she pulls away. She continues with all other aspects of her life but sex. Why is this? Is it normal, women?

    • Will from United States says:

      Soon she will sleep with him. Women can’t help it if they’re turned on by another man. It doesn’t matter if you’re nice. Women are more sexually driven to reproduce with a quality fatger than find someone to pay their bills. Become a better man, disengage from her while you do this. Don’t let her run your relationship. Women are even less loyal than men.

  23. Jeffrey from United States says:

    My wife put me in a position where I can’t even think. I’ve been afraid to ask for love sometimes because I know what the answer is going to be. She’s 21 and I’m 24. I don’t know what’s going on. I see you guys have been touched by the Lord to know your husband’s needs. I’m reading this post and it makes me so emotional to see how willing you guys are to satisfy your husband. All I can say is keep up the good work.

  24. Y. from United Kingdom says:

    I am unmarried and find this article reassuring. I wonder that two people feel called to get married and one or the other rejects sexual connection. I yearn for this wonderful intimacy in a safe context and wonder, when will God provide the right man for me. I am busy becoming the right woman – but this is very trying. Thank you for this message. I also believe that for many people who were not sexually abused as children, that do not enjoy sex, may be asexual. You could include some information about that. Take care.

  25. Sunshineoverthevalkey10 from Canada says:

    I’m very sorry for the couples who don’t make love to each other anymore. That’s what it should be “love” and less about sex. Women are very emotional and if you require “sex” from your wife then you show her “love” first. Words are emotional “sex” for women! Example: Keep telling her she’s still the most beautiful woman in the world and don’t grab at her breasts, bum and vagina. That’s a turn off. Please ask youself why she’s less focused on sex and how you can make her to feel appreciated and truly loved without pressuring her.

    I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. We have children, mortgage and life pressures like everyone else. But… We have sex all the time and honestly it starts from our deep respect and love for each other. The physical side of sex stems from it. Men… Respect her boundraries. Not all women enjoy oral sex, anal sex and nasty dirty talk as the media leads you to believe. I think you should focus being more love centered and allow the physical side of sex to blossom.

    If you are truly stuck, get professional help in couple therapy. Men do you truly know what turns on your wife? It’s not your penis. Clean the house, thank her for the little things that she does for you and the family, go take the kids camping by yourself and give your wife some space to herself so she can start to recharge her energy, don’t make her feel guilty because you didn’t get laid again, stop acting like a kid that didn’t get his way as it’s a huge turn off. If you’ve lost touch with your wife physically, you must figure out and reconnect with her emotionally before she’ll welcome you inside of her again.

  26. Brian from United States says:

    Thank God for you and this read! Reading your insight was like looking into my wife’s brain. I understand more but wish I could have her read this. She doesn’t want to talk about it and will say “it’s you that has the overactive problem”. Once a month, if that, isn’t overactive or healthy of a 20 year long marriage. I’ve tried everything and yet she says that she loves me more today then when we met. Your husband is blessed you have become so insightful as to your own faults and inabilities. Wish I could get my wife to stop projecting blame and look within for the answer. Thanks again for reassuring I’m not nuts!

  27. Kmanu from India says:

    I’m on the verge of crashing because of the attitude of my wife. I’m male 38, slim, tall, fair, not bad in looks, not abusive, non-drinker, occasional smoker i.e. only when I’m alone or out of home, never in front of wife or kids or family. She knows it. I had a successful business and it suffered a lot due to my personal problems like I’m always tense because wife doesn’t wants to sleep with me. Lack of concentration made me sell it, and do free lance web stuff. My wife aged 35 is pretty, slim, I love her a lot, she knows it. I do take care of everything but then after dinner all she wants is sleep; she’s neither having an affair nor talks with any other man.

    Earlier we had sex in evenings, before dinner but now she doesn’t want to sleep with me. Even if I woke her at night at 2, she comes to another room and enjoys an hour or so and back to the bedroom where the kids sleep and next she’s fast asleep. I’m kicked out of the bedroom and sleep in my SOHO where I’ve put a bed. I initially started sleeping here thinking she would care and either shift to this room or make the kids sleep here and we’ll sleep in the bedroom, but I’m left alone here.

    I once asked her to visit a doctor and it led to a huge fight, not physical but verbal. She called her parents saying she doesn’t want to live with me anymore. Seriously just because I loved you and want to be with you all night? I’m not a porn star, but All I wanted you to give me is a feeling of togetherness. Is that a crime? You’re the mother of my 2 kids and I cannot be allowed to be with you???

    My parents are 75+ and they still sleep in same bedroom. That’s a togetherness, which helped my father survive terminal liver cancer. He’s doing well for the last 4 years when it was detected. They’re in a different city and it was really painful for me to tell them all this truth.

    I think this is some physical problem, which she is suffering from, or a bad influence from my mother-in-law, as her mother also left her father and she lives with her son in different city, saying the 1 yr kid needs me to take care of him. My father-in-law is an old man, who needs care, but he’s not willing to leave his home town and my mother-in-law doesn’t wants to leave her grandson. She calls my wife and they talk everyday. If she has briefed her on anything this thing is costing me peace of mind and my life. Why doesn’t her mother ask her son to sleep in a different room and not allow him near his wife? That’s what’s happening in my life due to her daughter asking her son to feel the pain for 10 years.

    If this is something, which needs a doctor, I’ve a gynecologist in close relatives who would take care of it as she’s like a mother to me and she loves me a lot. But my wife fights whenever I ask her to tell her our problem. She says I feel shy in talking to her for anything, which is related to sex…

    I’m so depressed, I’ve never cheated on my wife, but now it’s time. I feel like leaving them and go to foreign place to work or have an affair or even take a step to end myself. We have no physical or sexual disease and we always enjoyed sex. Now for 15 days she’s not talking to me properly, just because I complain about sex frequency and togetherness.

    In a week I’m going to my parents place for 10-12 days, as my parents need medical attention and I need to be there for them. Seriously I don’t feel like coming back. I’m depressed a lot, I cry when alone, I’ve lot of friends but I’ve never shared my pain because I, being a center of attraction, would be face-palmed when I tell what’s going on inside the house.

    I also have a couple of female friends whom I know for 5-6 yrs. We never talked in facebook a lot, but on chat we’ve become quite good friends. We share everything related to family, work, kids etc but with one of them, whom I explained everything to, she says she’s surprised to hear all this. She me told to involve parents, and doctors, but nothing helped me. Can someone here suggest something to me? I want to live happily, not like this.

  28. John from United States says:

    I’m going to tell all you guys a little secret. You are all married to passive aggressive, bi-polar women. End of story. Be prepared to kiss some serious butt if you want to get lucky but you can’t make it obvious. Don’t argue with them ever and agree with everything they say even though you think they are crazy and you’ll be strapping a board to your backside before the night is over. Fixing the toilet or buying some new cologne helps also. Real Talk.

    • Mydeepestsecrets from United States says:

      That’s an interesting take on women. I’ve been married 34 years and am not bi-polar, but admit to passive aggression on occasion. In my case, my husband and I waited for marriage to have sex and loved it in the beginning. But I quickly began losing desire for him –not my libido –because the guy who courted me began to disappear and a rather snotty guy showed up. He snapped at me for little things, like not handing him the correct screwdriver, or driving like a woman, or not knowing what I was talking about on almost any subject. In the beginning he encouraged my thoughts and opinions. Not long after marriage he took issue with almost all of them. When I mentioned that he didn’t do this as we dated his response was that he “got” me and now doesn’t have to listen to my drivel and nonsense any more.

      He travelled a lot for work and when he came home he was all over me, then would roll over and zonk out because he was so tired from work-related stress and travel. Next day, grumpiness and more snapping at me, more shooting down my concerns, ideas, opinions, whatever. But he would sneak grabs here, pinches there, and fondling when my hands were full and I was vulnerable. Then as soon as the baby, or later the kids were in bed he was all over me again. I’d try to explain that he was mean all day and killed my desire for him, but he’d insist that we could make up with sex. “I really do love you, he’d say. “I don’t know why I act like that. I’m just so stressed with work and all.” And sometimes he’d actually say, “I’m sorry.” But the next day, it started again as if make-up sex never happened.

      Then he began with how boring sex was. We needed spice. We needed variation. But he was still just as mean and impatient all day, but wanted a porn star at night. Seven years into the marriage I finally told him I wasn’t in love with him any more… that being in love had died under the weight of his daily treatment. I explained that I needed to feel in love to want to have sex, and that feeling in love was how I felt while we dated and were first married. I didn’t need perfection, but somewhat of a return to how he was during those days was imperative for me to hope to fall in love again and to have any sexual desire for him. He agreed that he had changed and understood how I felt. He asked for 5 things he could do that I missed from the “before” him and he vowed to bring them back over the next 3 months. I made a little card he wanted to put in his wallet as a daily reminder of these 5 things.

      He didn’t do them even once. After several months he said he found “being sincerely interested in my job, my thoughts, and hopes” was just not there for him. Indeed, he felt a lot of it was silly, stupid, or boring. He claimed not snapping at me was unrealistic and a burden on him. He claimed guys just do those things. And so on.

      Through prayer I’ve been able to hold on. But I’ve become one of the wives many have talked about here on this thread. I had sex as little as possible, and when I did I gritted my teeth and counted the minutes till he’d roll over. I’ve grown from disillusioned young bride, to struggling to resolve the issues, to dreading night time and those early morning erections, and finally bitter resentment of his damnable libido that never dwindles while my emotional needs have never been met and have even been disparaged.

      So I’m not bi-polar… I’m just always depressed. He wouldn’t go to counseling, so I went alone and have taken medication for 25 of our 34 years together so I could remain true to my vows of “for better or worse.”

      He got prostate cancer almost 10 years ago. After surgery he was without half the nerves needed for erections, so he cannot do intercourse any more, but still requires the other means of sex. For me, oral sex is especially difficult, even abhorrent without feeling in love. I did it till a year ago, along with various fetishes he adopted to compensate for the nerve damage. Yet as the years have passed, he has become even harsher, and more difficult and demanding. I’ve pulled away emotionally to a safe place in my heart, but he isn’t there at all. I hate sex now in all its various forms. I hate that I can love him as my children’s father and as a grandfather, but I don’t love him as a husband. He sometimes says these past few years that he doesn’t know how I put up with him in the past and he’s going to do better. But he doesn’t. And if I say anything, I’m either demanding, immature, or unrealistic.

      So gentlemen, look inward. How do you treat your wife each day? Maybe you take out the garbage, but forget the foul garbage you spew from your lips toward her. Maybe you help around the house, but belittle or undermine her views. Do you disagree while still validating her viewpoint? Do you scream, yell, curse, mutter degrading comments, poke fun of her in social settings, mock her privately and/or publicly and then swiftly try to “excuse” it by claiming, “Just kidding!”? Do you push her to be a little raunchier in bed, or shake things up when you’re bored even though you’ve been unkind at times throughout the day?

      If you treated this woman during dating the way you treat her in marriage, would she have accepted your proposal?

      From my experience I believe these wives aren’t in love with you any more and that’s why they don’t want you sexually. They may love you, but they’re definitely not in love with you any more. And you’re the one who killed that love –not them. Some may have let you do it without much of an effort to reach out to you to save it, but it’s you who did the killing. When women are in love, they can heartily have sex even if their own libido doesn’t match yours. But without emotional fulfillment only you can provide, romantic love dies.

      My son became a counselor. He teaches his clients that men need sex to want to be emotionally intimate. Yet women need emotional intimacy to want to have sex. If men don’t get sex, they have no desire to be emotionally intimate, and some don’t even when they do have sex. They’re emotionally bankrupt and cannot pay their marriage debt in that way. When women don’t have emotional intimacy, their sexual desire for their mate dwindles and can even die. It doesn’t mean they don’t have a libido… they just don’t want to fulfill it with someone who hurts them emotionally. And men may desire emotional intimacy… just not with their mate if they are hurt by lack of sexual intimacy.

      So getting it every 3 months, or once a year is a dead giveaway that desire for you is dwindling because your emotional intimacy with her is sorely lacking. She’ll probably say it isn’t you –that’s what I did for years and years. I just couldn’t hurt his feelings even though it was the truth. Plus, the few times I tried, he blasted me with loud and mean wrath, so I learned not to go there fairly quickly. She’ll say it’s her fatigue, hormones, busy schedule, stress, and a hundred other things that definitely contribute to lower libido. But the true cause is that she just isn’t in love with you any more because you drove the romance into the ground in your own unique ways. You maybe didn’t mean to. And maybe you even knew you should do better and be better than you have been. But it just didn’t seem that big a deal to you how you treated her, and if you’re honest, you thought it shouldn’t be that big a deal to her either. After all, emotional intimacy is probably not even on your radar or is a distant blip… you may even shudder at the thought of it, or feel nothing at all. Or you count it as a female thing and not your “problem.”

      But it’s a need to one degree or another for almost all humans, and more especially, for women. They need it fulfilled by you to want you sexually. Libido doesn’t DRIVE women to sex nearly as much as emotional intimacy does. Your libido drives you to sex, no emotional connection necessary. It may be nice to add, but it isn’t necessary.

      Both partners must safely speak and hear one another’s needs and desires without rejection, mocking, or discouragement. Both must be willing to be the person they were while dating every day of your vows. And since none are perfect but God, we must be willing to forgive, but far more importantly to swiftly correct our own hurtful behaviors, rather than justifying them.

      I told my husband about a year ago that I’m done with sex, fetishes especially. I told him I’m willing to move to an apartment since he said he didn’t want to be around me if I’m not available sexually. I explained that most of the time he seems exasperated with me at best, and actually dislikes me at worst. Our kids are grown. I think I’d be happier on my own than to live like this my remaining years. His take is that he worked his butt off for me to give me a nice house –where he helps pick up things, does the dishwasher, and takes out the trash more than I. He thinks many women would be thrilled to have the life he gave me. He thought things would fulfill my emotional needs. He doesn’t even know what they are any more, nor does he care to. I have other emotional needs filled by myself, my family, friends, service to others, and especially by God.

      But the ones he covenanted to fulfill he left abandoned and sometimes stomped on. I gave sex, albeit grudgingly most of our years. My bitterness toward sex with him made our marriage bed unholy and unsanctified. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if I just should have left so that bitterness would not have grown the way it did. That’s ungodly, so I should have left rather than delude myself that with time, effort and God’s help, we could fall in love again. Yet almost every couple I know who divorced found that within 5 years of remarriage they were back in the same old boats once again.

      Anyway, that’s my contribution to this very sad discussion of love unfulfilled for us all. We can only change ourselves, not the other person. But there are consequences to our choices, our ignorance, arrogance, pride, resentment, unkindness, and stubbornness –all of which are the opposite of LOVE. We say we love each other. But obviously, we lie.

      • Cindy Wright from United States says:

        WOW! You are so articulate in how you expressed the secrets of your home, and so real. I’m so sad for you… and for your husband –that he doesn’t even realize all he has lost through the years. Thank you for your honesty… and for reaching out to others to try to wake them up to what could be their truth too. I pray God uses it for good, and pray for you and for your husband –that God helps you, as you most need it. My heart is with you and your tears… may the Lord minister to your heart.

        • Mydeepestsecrets from United States says:

          Thank you Cindy. Our God is so merciful and true. Keep up his blessed work.

          • BlueRobin from United States says:

            Thank You Mydeepestsecrets, great post, you spoke for many of us. I feel and felt like you for many of the 27 years of my marriage. In very similar situation. One more time I hear how fortunate I should feel for having roof over my head and food on my table and how much he worked to provide that I think I will throw up (in reality I worked harder and made more money hands down than he did). One more time I hear how boring I am and how mechanical I am and again I will throw up. I only live one life and maybe that big negative, condescending and increasingly critical baggage needs to be left for someone else to tackle. And I’m sure my God will understand.

      • Chris T from United States says:

        Your husband revealed his lack of character when he stated those words after “you got me…” Yours is case that is legitimate. He thought you owed him for providing. He duped you by pretending to be into you just to change after the band was slipped on.Of course you would shut down. We owe each other for being there for each other.

        For most of us, we are not that man. We thought we were building the dream, being the dad, husband, fun-guy, domestic partner in every sense of the word while our wives fall in to disenchantment. Our dependability gets boring to our wives and they are not even impressed with pursuit, gifts and nice gestures are met with fear that “oh great, he will expect sex from me”.

        The number one priority for us men is sex and is the first thing to stop after marriage. It is crushing, depressing and beyond stressful. Thank you for your story. You sound like a saint for your patience. Sad in Florida”. 28 years and counting.

  29. AA from United States says:

    I’m about to have my relationship with my only wife, she is in shape but a bit too skinny, not pretty face, just okay & small breasts & above all she is not as smart as I wish, but it is a fixed marriage. On the other side she is obedient, respectful, & could be sexy. Any advice?

    • TJ from United States says:

      My advice is that you accept her the way she is and love her with all your heart. She is your wife and if you love her…you will see a side of her that will be more appealing than her physical appearance. When I say love her…I mean put your her needs ahead of your own (Ephesians 5:23), treat her with the utmost respect (1 Peter 3:7), and demonstrate the fruits of the spirit when interacting with her (Galatians 5:22-23). This is hard, but you will see a more attractive side to her if you practice these scriptures in your marriage.

    • Chris T from United States says:

      AA, I agree with TJ’s answer. I have seen women I am not especially attracted to but thought if she respected me and was a true “Help-Meet”, I would feel contented and love her well. Learn to appreciate she is there for you and has not abandoned you. Do as TJ states and she will become the most beautiful women you have ever seen. We all have had beautiful women who show us no respect, loyalty and reject us year after year. Love the treasure you just described.

  30. TJ from United States says:

    For me 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says it all. When Christian couples marry…it is assumed both people will try their best to live by the Word. When one partner start choosing to disobey certain scripture(s), but expect their partner to try his or her best to obey them all…it causes maximum frustration. No marriage is perfect, and neither of the parties involved…but one thing is clear…A couple should fight hard to obey the Word. In my opinion…this is no different.

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