If a person gives place to anger, and goes with it wherever it takes them, and if they say and do whatever feels good at the moment as they release that anger toward their spouse, it is abuse. There is a difference between simply getting angry about something, and letting anger become a weapon that crushes a person’s heart. This abuse beats down their spirit, or hurts their physical body.
Someone who will allow their anger to go that far has a mental and emotional disorder and needs professional help. In order to be free of that kind of anger disorder and the abuse that comes as a result of it, they need the power of the Holy Spirit to cleanse their heart and deliver them from this selfish work of the flesh.
Abusive people love their anger to the point of actually looking for ways to be angry. Anger empowers them and fuels the fire they love to fan into flame. It also gives them what they perceive as control. But actually, anger illustrates their utter lack of control. Lashing out and yelling at someone God has given you to love is sin. Abuse is sin.
Explosive Anger
First of all, any words that are spoken in explosive anger can be abusive. A loudly raised voice and poor choice of words can cut like a knife into a person’s soul. Angry outbursts are loveless and full of the desire to hurt. The verbal abuser doesn’t try to see it from the perspective of the person they are abusing. They don’t care to know how badly their anger makes the recipient of their anger feel. This is because all they care about is how they feel themselves. If there have been times when your spouse’s angry outbursts have killed something in you, that’s abuse. Or if there are times when your own angry words have destroyed something in your spouse or your children, that is abuse. Abuse destroys lives.
You are in a battle for your marriage, but the battle is not with your spouse. If he [she] is the one firing the shots at you and you are being forced to defend or protect yourself, give the situation your best shot in prayer. Ask God to deliver your husband [wife] from the evil spirit troubling him [or her] (1 Samuel 16:14-23). Ask God to give you the ability to stay calm in the midst of the battle. Ask Him to help you to resist striking back.
Protect Yourself
All that being said, I am definitely not saying to stop defending or protecting yourself if you are in harm’s way. I’m not telling any spouse to stay in her [or his] marriage if mental or physical health is in danger. This is especially true if her [or his] life is being threatened in any way whatsoever. Abuse of any kind goes against all that God is and all that He has for you. No one is required to take it. If you are afraid of what your spouse might do to harm you or your children, make plans to get free. Find a place to go and people to help you move out. I have known of too many people who waited too long and suffered devastating consequences. Don’t be one of those statistics.
If your spouse is physically abusing you, call a domestic violence hotline. You will usually find it listed under “Community Services” or “Emergency Services” at the beginning of your phone book. They understand the situation and can help you make the right decisions as to what to do about it. If you need to leave home for your own safety or the safety of your children, they will help you do that. Even if you don’t end up leaving, it is good to have a plan. You need a safe place to go, a way to get there, and someone to help. You also need money you can have access to, and the legal papers and possessions you need to take with you.
Physical Abuse Ramps Up
Physical abuse doesn’t go away on its own. It only gets worse. If you don’t want to help yourself, then think about helping your spouse by leaving and not returning until he [or she] gets help and is cured. Being destroyed by someone who has an emotional disorder such as uncontrolled anger is not the kind of self-sacrifice or martyrdom God is looking for. Don’t enable your spouse to suffer the consequences of his [or her] own sin of abuse. Help him [or her] get the healing needed to become a whole person.
There is no excuse for abuse. It is never justified. A spouse who physically or emotionally abuses his [or her] marital partner is emotionally sick and has a serious problem. Of all emotional disorders, anger can be by far the most destructive. It is more destructive than depression, anxiety, or fear because it is usually directed at the spouse in some abusive and destructive way. Don’t fool around with this; it’s too dangerous. He [she] needs professional help and fast.
A man who beats his wife and children in any way should be removed from them completely [the same goes for a wife who beats on her husband and children]. Even if the abuse is only verbal, none-the-less, it is still extremely damaging. Scars happen internally as well as externally. Anger and abuse is the problem of the person who has it and not the fault of the one abused. No possible action or words of yours deserve violent, angry outbursts. Do not blame yourself.
Most of all, pray. Pray
…Prayer for Breakthrough in My Husband [Wife]
LORD, I DON’T WANT TO ever feel that “my soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace” (Psalm 120:6). Deliver me from anger in my husband [wife]. Your Word says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). Where I have ever felt that an angry spirit in my husband [wife] has hurt me or broken my spirit, I pray You would heal those wounds and take away any unforgiveness I have because of it.
I pray You would set my husband [wife] free from anger. Help him [or her] to recognize a spirit of anger rising up in him [her] and reject it completely. Strengthen him [her] to be able to control his [or her] mind and emotions. Also, help him [her] to remember that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers,” and the rulers of darkness and wickedness (Ephesians 6:12).
Teach him [or her] to be slow to anger the way You are (James 1:1). Help him (her) to understand that anger never produces spiritual fruit (James 1:20). I pray that all anger in my husband [wife] will be evaporated by the power of the Holy Spirit. I pray that he [or she] will have a strong desire to reject his [her] carnal side and become spiritually minded. Let there be no reason to fear his [or her] anger and what my spouse might do. Help me trust that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).
Also:
I pray now that You, the God of all hope, will fill my spouse with faith and hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him [or her] and give him [or her] Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him (her) and give him (her) Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would direct his [her] heart “into the love of God and into the patience of Christ” (2 Thessalonians 3:5). Help him [or her] to flee anger and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love patience, and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11). In Jesus’ name I pray.
This article comes from the excellent book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage: Protecting Your Relationship So It Will Last a Lifetime
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(USA) Thank you for the information on anger and abuse in marriage. I have dealt with my husband verbally + emotionally abusing me. We both are Christians and I just hide it. God delivered me from suicide and depression 10 years ago. But tonight because of the on going abuse I just kept hearing a voice say find a way to commit suicide. I know it’s the enemy, and I’m thankful to have come across this website. I love my husband dearly and that’s why I’m still married, but the abuse at times is unbearable. And I see my children growing up with anger problem. Please keep me in prayer. And pray that God will help me some how.
(USA) Thank you so much for this article- As I sit here reading this tears are pouring down my face because I am married to seomeone extremely emotionally abusive. Very Angry selfish and doesn’t even see me and at times I think I’m hated. As a matter of fact most all times.
I have been married for nearly 2 yrs and feel I cannot take it anymore. I also have bipolar disease and am suicidal and this by far does not help that. I feel so alone and so trapped inside me. The anger and the hostillity has devastated me to the point I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells just to survive. The anger, as many have mentioned here, is triggered by nothing. The wrong tone, my saying something “wrong”, not allowing myself to be controlled, or maybe waking up wrong all comes out on me and I get blamed for it all.
I don’t know if I can continue in this relationship though I still am still in love (by the grace of God) somewhat and can’t see myself without this person. But at the same time I want to disappear- Please, please pray for me as I have no family or friends with whom I can confide in and I feel so alone. Please also pray for my spouse and that this anger will disappear quickly because I’m at the end of my ropes- Thank you.
(USA) D, Your Bi-polar and “suicide” may be a result of your spouses angry and abusive behavior. I know where you have been, and the worst part is that many people do not understand when someone is abusive to you, that some of your “friends” over time may join in, seeing as that’s how you “like” to be treated. So it may appear that you have no where to turn.
I have some hope for you. Perhaps you’re not bi-polar, crazy, suicidal or anything at all. You may be in an extremely toxic environment (think of “The toxic avenger” if you ever saw that movie). Imagine a thick green poisonous toxic sludge. That is the air you breathe and the substance that is poored into your soul, instead of love.
One thing that helped me, and helped me very quickly, was to get INTO the gym. Also I stopped drinking at the same time. What it did was it gave me an environment I’m pretty good in, and also the working out helps balance your brain chemistry, also it releases stress and any “bad” feelings can be worked out.
The other thing you are going to HAVE to do, is find some things that you LIKE to do. For you, selfish love of yourself.
I know in your situation where it appears you have no where to turn, that it feels like your life is messed up. Where you are at today may be messed up, but that is only your current environment. You do not need stay in that environment. You are also going to determine that your spouse perhaps either does not love you, or is lost themself.
On you “still being in love”, the strength of that will fade over time if your spouse continues on this abusive behavior, and in the end can be replaced by a deep resentment and even hatred. You’re going to need to get out.
Is the spouse a male or female? Sometimes when a spouse gets into an affair, they feel like they are in love with the other person, while the spouse is the enemy, so it will be nothing you can do right.
Just throwing some things out there.
(USA) Father God, I humbly pray for this sweet person. Father please help her find her way through this tough journey that she is on. Father, please give her a voice, but let ALL words be Yours. Father, give her strength to be a vessel of Christ for her husband and Father please be her shield against all the ugly words. Father, please remind this woman, your child, that she IS loved and she IS worthy! Father, I lift up her husband in prayer, and deeply pray that you will soften his heart, and turn his eyes to focus directly on You.
Father, please show him humility and place your arms of love around his heart to bring peace and love back to their marriage, and into his life. Father God, I pray that this couple will place you back as the rock of their marriage and rebuild a loving marriage on Your foundation. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
(USA) What a beautiful and sincere prayer! I pray the same for her, and also for myself, to be covered by Grace and exude dignity even when I’m my husbands verbal punching bag… I’ve patiently explained that his words and angry outburts hurt, and push me away. Yet he doesn’t care; he tells me to leave if I don’t like it. I know that hurt people hurt others… I want to love him, but also display boundaries against unexceptable and degrading behavior. What a difficult balance to maintain.
I joined Celebrate Recovery to break my ‘people pleasing’ tendencies, and detach with love from his dysfunctional tendencies; anger, isolating, stone-walling, pot and alcohol abuse, and his over eating, which I think adds to his self loathing and thus anger towards me. Since I just keep loving him; I’m probably the first to stay consistent in his life. And mine. Thank God He’s my Rock! It’s the only way. Please pray our marriage will glorify God, and be a beautiful testimony SOON. I’m tired; 3 yrs married, and emotionally abusive (on and off).
(SOUTH AFRICA) I am so sadden by your appeal for prayer, and I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the very same problem, without the help of family and friends. Always remember these words: God has promised never to leave nor forsake us and he is with us amidst the pain.
I am currently in prayer and fasting asking the Lord for his guidance, because his way is always the right way and will never lead you in the wrong path. God Bless; I will keep you in my prayer.
(USA) Patricia, One thing that’s going to help you is getting into the gym. The workout releases endorphins which allow you to have a positive mood. The other thing it does is stress and bad feelings are worked away during various movements in resistance. It’s going to help balance you, but getting away from a negative environment will have the greatest improvement.
The other thing you will need to do is do things for yourself that you like outside of your abusive environment. It’s going to help. Suicide is never an answer, neither is hurting yourself, and in the end is neither is staying in an abusive environment.
(CANADA) Did God ever help you? I am a man living with an abusive wife who I do not think God has created any equal to her. I am not afraid of her and I can walk out any time but the love of my children and being there to protect them keeps me going. God is with me despite my sins. I will always be a friend of God. Just wondering, does God change a person by our prayers?
(USA) I’m back on this site again after finding it several months ago while researching emotional affairs. I’m in one, and struggling with what to do. My husband has been emotionally abusive for close to 20 years, and I have had no love for him for years. We married as Christians, and I truly believe God brought us together, but from the beginning I found I had to hide my true self from him to avoid his critical judgments against me.
He loved me then, I loved him somewhat (ever hear of God arranging marriages? I wasn’t sure I loved him but married him because I thought it was God’s will). My husband fits the bill of what is described above of how he let his anger out toward me with no regard to my feelings or hurt. The incredible emotional pain he caused me finally made me separate myself emotionally from him in order to save my psyche.
The wall between us is very high and wide and I don’t know how I’ll ever bridge it or tunnel through. We’re in counselling, but I have no love for him and no desire to be with him. I am happiest when he’s gone, great fear of revealing anything about myself to him, and wonder how long I must put up with this.
I met a man this year who fell in love with me, and I feel very close to him also. There’s no sex, just talking, sharing, all the stuff that should be in my marriage. So should I leave my husband, at least for a separation to wake him up? I’m struggling with what to do. I don’t want to dishonor my Lord, but it’s so hard to give up earthly love when I’ve experienced it for the first time in decades.
(USA) I too, have been in an arranged, loveless, abusive marriage for about 20 years. My wife is an angry controller and I’m so glad when she has to leave the house on business or to visit relatives–there’s such peace when she’s away. But my poor kids have had to deal with her abuse as well, which kills me. We have had no sex whatsoever for the past 14 years; before that we had sex 5 times in 5 years, and it could not be called sex because my wife continually complained that intercourse was painful. An examination by the doctor showed nothing physiologically wrong with her.
I learned much later in researching verbal and emotional abuse that this is a common tactic of abusive wives–to claim that sex is hurting them. It’s just another tool they can use to exercise abusive control in the “marriage.” I too wonder how long I have to endure this torture. I’m staying in the marriage because of Christian convictions and primarily to defend my children as much as possible (though it’s not actually really possible to protect them from her ridiculous abusive behavior). When the children finally leave home, I will likely separate. Even when I separate, I’d like to have a real marriage, but I don’t believe that abuse is sufficient grounds for a divorce, only that adultery would be sufficient grounds. So I’ve resigned myself to years of loneliness, unless one of us passes away.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Peter, I can relate exactly to what you are saying and how you feel. I am in the same situation as you are. The only difference is that my husband abuses alcohol and verbally abuses me which recently turned violent. I got stabbed and almost died because it missed my jugular vein by mm. I am at peace when he is out but when he returns home the abuse begins which usually goes on for hours. Even though I try to pretend I don’t hear it’s rather difficult. My boys sleep over at friends to avoid hearing the obscenities.
I am a believer and cannot get him to attend church. He has a problem with everything I do and everyone I befriend he belittles and humiliates me in the presence of my boys and sometimes guests. I am too afraid to invite any of my friends home because he is always intoxicated and I am too embarrassed by his behaviour. He is a setback in my life and I cannot move forward spiritually. We have not lived as husband and wife for about 15 years now. I am lucky that I do have friends who care about me who constantly motivate me to carry on and not to give up. So Good Luck – sometimes we have to make decisions to let go.
(USA) Please leave him!!! You are living with Satan himself… get away before he kills you! Didn’t the police/medical center report this abuse? Surely, friends, family, neighbors or your church have not sat back and allowed this without reporting him. God would never want you and your children to suffer at the hands of this demon, but only you can control your environment and protect your family. Find the nearest domestic violence organization and allow them to help and protect you… that is what they do!
(NIGERIA) I understandhow you feel. I am also in a marriage filled with emotional abuse and internal scars. My husband yells and shouts at me at the slightest provocation. I didn’t grow up in an hostile environment coz my dad is such a loving and caring husband. He is a pastor just like my husband, but most times when I see my hubby counseling people having issues in their marriage, I just can’t stop wondering why he knows what to do but never does them!
I am in the marriage coz of my Christian faith and my love for him! But I must be honest, my love for him is diminishing by the day and it’s even affecting our sex life coz gradually, I simply fake being intimate with him while deep down, I actually feel little or nothing!
(USA) My situation is somewhat like yours. I know what you mean about dishonoring God. But, Mental and Physical abuse, is a reason to discuss, your feelings, and if you can’t get your wife to get help. I believe you should take your children and leave. Talk to God I am sure he will understand.
(USA) Hi. Just wanted to suggest you research something called the Pauline Principle (I think that’s the name) online. Pat Robertson has written on it some. It has to do with a Biblical basis for separation or divorce because the other person makes it impossible to live with them.
So many spouses act like they HAVE to stay with someone…. even when kids are being abused. Since when is it okay with God that kids are abused? We are supposed to be faithful… but not stay if it’s a sin. I’d say subjecting children to abuse is sin. We are to put our spouses first, however we are expected by the Lord to protect our kids. I don’t see where Jesus would ask us to stay and not separate if our children are being abused.
In some cases, separation is the very thing that sparks the other person to wake up and get help. It wouldn’t hurt to insist on that. You could set down terms for coming back together…. a certain number of months counseling and clear behavior changes.
I’m learning from several sources, but mainly from the Word and from Pastor Joseph Prince teaching on the Word, that we should speak out and declare the Word over our lives. The Word is powerful. Please consider watching Joseph Prince over at you tube. It’s amazing… great teaching. Our youngest recently was healed from a serious bone disease from speaking the Word over him.
Jesus bore our infirmities. We should praise Him, thank Him and receive all that He died for. The Word says we are as Christ… so speak to the mountains in your life!
(USA) Alice, your comment was extremely encouraging. I’ve been listening to Joseph Prince for a couple of years now and while I’ve experienced victory in some areas, my marriage of 17 yrs is still not producing good fruit. My husband is an unbeliever and is very abusive with his mouth and general attitude toward me. I had started experiencing deep depression but Jesus brought me back and I am greatly helped by Joseph Prince’s message of no condemnation and being the Righteousness of God. BUT I see that myself as well as many other people on this site who are sharing their stories of abuse are still missing it in terms of what we believe.
For many years I know that my beliefs were all wrong. Because I thought it was my cross to bear. I thought marriage was forever no matter what. I am beginning to understand that Jesus requires mercy not sacrifice. He is much more concerned about each of us than He is about each of us trying to keep the letter of the law. I thank God for His mercy and grace and pray that we all discover the freedom from oppression and abuse that Jesus died to save us from.
(USA) I deeply love my husband but am on the brink of leaving him. He has a severe anger problem that only seems to be growing worse over the years. Most of his anger is directed at our sons, which is more painful for me than if it were directed at me. At the slightest provocation, he flies into a rage, shouting, swearing and threatening physical violence. He is triggered by the smallest things: the wrong tone, the object of his lectures losing eye contact, etc.
I feel like we all walk on eggshells when he is home and find myself looking forward to the hours he’s at work. It is only then that I can relax. He has become physical with the boys several times but it has only involved pushing so far. Sometimes he throws things. I am worried about the emotional damage occurring with my sons and am concerned that serious physical abuse is a very real possiblity. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I pray and pray. I feel like God has greatly strengthened me and that he has blessed my children with resilience, but my husband only seems to be growing worse. I am not sure what to do next.
(USA) Teri, I grew up in an emotionally absuive family, except in my case, my mother was the abuser and my father was the enabler (the weak one). Your husband sounds like an exact replica of my mother – using the family as a “dumping ground” (as Dr. Phil would say) to release anger. The whole family walked on eggshells. I cannot remember a day when there was peace in the family – all because of my mother’s anger and rage at life.
Teri, it is really difficult for me to understand how you can “deeply love” a man who is absuing your children. Sure, the abuse may not be physical, but it IS abuse and you are the enabler. You can be sure that your sons will grow up to be like your husband (and subsequently impact – if not ruin, the future marriages of your sons, which will then be passed on to their children, etc).
That’s what happened to me. I actually thought that living in an environment filled with rage and anger was normal. In fact, as a young adult, I never felt “at peace” unless there was some extreme conflict in my marriage. That was my role model.
Long story short – it took many, many years of therapy to finally get to the place where I had to realize that the buck stops with me. I am SO grateful that my husband did not tolerate this behavior and DEMANDED that I get help (or end the marriage).
I am sorry that you feel that you are dying inside – but I have more compassion and concern for your dear sons who have a life ahead of them. Although you do not disclose the age of your children, I can bet that they “can’t wait” to finally leave home and go to college – thinking that they will be done with that chapter in their lives. Teri, your husband is their only role model that they have for how a husband and father should behave in a marriage. I can guarantee that this “pattern” will continue well into the lives of your children’s children.
For the sake of your children’s lives, please do something about this right now. I am amazed that as a parent, you’ve tolerated this behavior. Yes, your children are a blessing and therefore, as a mother, your number one priority should be to protect them.
I am sorry to be so hard on you but growing up in such an environment “almost” ruined my life and certainly ruined the life of my sister.
(USA) Hi Suzy, This is an older post so I realize that I might not receive a response. Where did you get help from? Was your family/husband involved in the therapy? It was really brave of you to share this with us. Thanks so much for your honesty.
(USA) Dear friend, I attended a beautiful seminar and it was of tremendous help to me. I grew up in an abusive home, both physical and verbal. My mother was able to walk away when I was 12 but by then the damage had well established its nasty roots in my life.
I had a total makeover, compliments of our Lord. I allowed him into the ugliest parts of my being and he is giving me a new ME. One part of that wonderful process was/is Mending The Soul Ministries founders Steven and Celesta Tracy… I look back at my life and I am so thankful for what God can do when we allow him.
(USA) I am in a situation nearly identical to yours and not sure where to go from here. I know that I have allowed this dysfunction to continue in our household but I am confused about what is acceptable and how to accomplish things on my own. I was hoping that in being an older post that you have found resolution and peace and can share your wisdom.
I recently began attending church with my children (something we had quit doing out of fear that others would find out about what goes on at home) and hope to develop some positive and supportive relationships (over the years I have lost touch with all of my friend due to fear and jealosy issues my husband has). So again, I am asking for some wisdom. Thanks.
(SOUTH AFRICA) A person is being accused of being abusive when actually the problem lies in the eye of the beholder (a wife who has been very irresponsible with her medication i.e. anti-depressants). She now believes he abused her when in fact he tried to stop her yelling (in front of neighbours and his employer too) by putting his hand over her mouth. This type of situation occurs every time she tries to get along without her medication; no kind of persuasion changes her mind. Are these halucinations or is there even more to the situation? (He is desperate to save his marriage but she won’t budge, now even found ‘someone else” whose marriage is also in trouble.)
(USA) Thank you for this web site. Today is the first day I have read anything, so I know I have a long way to go. I don’t know where to start. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home I watched as my father slaughtered my mother verbally every day of my life. I married a man who professes to be Christian but honestly I don’t see it. It has been 25 years of manipulation, control, verbal and emotional abuse. I have been confronting his behavior but he does not “see” what he does.
I have read a couple of articles about “we need to talk” being a wrong approach. I have read the article on why men need sex. I don’t argue with them, but I don’t know what else to do when the responsibility of the marriage is dumped on me, I am expected to be Mrs. Wonderful but he basically very selfish, is never there for me, he doesn’t work toward any resolution of conflict he just gets angry and punishes. I find it very hard to give myself to him physically when he lives as if I have no needs except to meet his needs.
When I look to God and focus on doing my part, things do go much smoother but at least once a week he will have his outburst over something that should be easily resolved. He blocks communication so my perspective of a situation is not allowed, only his is valid. He is distant emotionally. I feel alone in this relationship. From what I read today, I can understand that he probably feels alone also, and probably needs things from me that I am not seeing. But I don’t like feeling that I have to work at this alone. Please pray that God will direct me.
(AUSTRALIA) I have read all the comments on this site and see the great difficulties you have all had to face. I too grew up in a verbally and physically abusive family and have spent 18 years in an emotional verbally abusive relationship. My mother was considered the “weak one” and now so am I.
My sister has never forgiven my mother for her weakness during this time, my other sister died of cancer at 28 and me, well I think Mum did the best she knew how! My children are grown now and I have great regrets for allowing the things they went through in our family life and how that affects them and their families now.
I can feel great guilt over this at times and other times I feel I was so down on myself I was not capable of making any great decisions. The abuser often gets you to believe things are all your fault and break your spirit till you are putty in their hands and unable to think for yourself!!! If this is you perhaps council will help you to find the courage; But after all I have been through I know this..It is not easy to make that break especially when you are blaming yourself and feel you need to be a better person And really want things to work.
Unfortunately you could be super woman and they still seem to expect more from you. It’s easier for them not to take responsibility if they can blame you! We find ourselves making excuses and saying to ourselves we just need to do better and we can save our relationship!! It never happens; they are never satisfied. Join spirits with your fellow sisters ( or brothers as the case may be) going through the same things..draw courage from each other and GOD! God bless you all……
(USA) The stories sound familiar hurt me. I’ve seen it first hand. Keep in mind as a man… If we are abused, imagine if you will, that the wife is able to spin the story so that the man is viewed as the abuser. Imagine if you will, getting handcuffed and going to jail because your wife bludgeoned you with a rolling pin. Imagine if you will, getting marked as an abuser for finally standing up to your abuser and other men wanting to become physical with you.
On any of these abuser stories, those being abused in the end become enablers. Many times you are NOT going to stop the abuse. Life may teach that other person a lesson, it may not. After 2 or more years of steady abuse, you may decide to not be an enabler anymore. You leave or put that person into jail.
While you are abused, you will understand the importance of taking care of yourself. This is mind, body and spirit. The abuser is not taking care of you. Their abuse takes from you, many times it takes so much until it can push you to death.
I personally am now under the belief that abusive and stressful environments which are against you can cause cancers, heart diseases, strokes, high blood pressure ( obviously ), and many other ailments. You are not doing yourself or the other person any good by staying.
All of you please take care of yourself. I am not as far into church as many of you, but I just wanted to say that getting your physical fitness into order, even if you have to go every single day for an hour is going to help a ton. It will help you to see clearly. The other thing is doing activities with other people, hopefully a mostly positive bunch.
Good luck to you and hopefully your spouse comes back around to love, but if they don’t you need to stop being their enabler.
(TRINIDAD) What about men who get abused mentally!!! I have searched the net and all I come up with is the females. Plz say something about men who get abused mentally by the wife.
(USA) You are so right Shawn. Men can be abused by the approach that many women use, just as women can be abused. We even have an article in the “Abuse in Marriage” section titled, “Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?” You may want to read it. Even though it deals primarily with physical abuse, many of the principles apply to mental and verbal abuse as well. And the articles we provide links for, may help as well because some of the web sites deal with other aspects of abuse that many husbands experience.
You’re also right that there aren’t many articles available for men to read. That is for a variety of reasons that are complex to talk about in this discussion, but it’s a very real problem. We will continue to look for and write what we can post, as God leads.
One of the problems in all of this is because the wife often doesn’t see what she does or doesn’t do as abuse. She justifies her actions or ignores it. Men do the same thing. Both are wrong. And sometimes, as I said, she doesn’t see it as abuse.
I was reading this morning from a book titled “Marital Intelligence” where a marriage almost ended because a man was so sarcastic in his humor that his wife felt continually put down and saw the need to leave him to survive. He thought he was “the life of the party” and that his humor was fine. She said “I can’t stand the constant mocking, put-downs, and snide comments about everything. He makes jokes about everything — my weight, the food, the house, the kids. You name it, and he makes sarcastic comments about it.”
The author Gil Stieglitz (who is a counselor) wrote, “anytime she asked whether he meant the put-down he had hurled at her, he retreated behind the mask of ‘No, I was just joking.’ Eventually her love for John died of a thousand little cuts.” And he didn’t realize he was cutting his relationship to shreds with his “humor.”
It took a long, long time to be able to convince John that his humor was killing his marriage — that his wife couldn’t take the continual “joking” in the way he was delivering it. It was a passive-agressive humor that cut to the core! Eventually the counselor was able to help John see the problem and work on it and fortunately, the wife took the chance to give him the opportunity to work on his issues and work on the marriage again. Things improved and the marriage was saved.
I say all of this because the reverse can be true for women. Just like John, many women don’t see their behavior as abusive. They think it is justified or just fine for some reason. Because it looks ok to them, it SHOULD be fine to their husband, but it isn’t. As a matter of fact, Paul Coughlin has a ministry that helps to bring some of this out into the open. You can read more at http://www.paulcoughlin.net.
Shawn, keep praying and seeking God for answers to this. Whether your wife is aware of her problem and isn’t doing what she should do to change her behavior or she is clueless as to what it is doing to you (because she doesn’t see it as problematic as you do), you still have a problem on your hands.
Make it your mission to find out more about what can be done. Too many people just dump out of marriages because of situations like this. I’m not saying that sometimes it isn’t warranted to leave a spouse (at least for a time) because of mental abuse, but I’m encouraging you to do what you can to find a healthy way to voice to your hurt. I also hope you will find ways to perhaps turn this situation around, with God’s help, for the better. My prayers are with you that God will give you hope and help.
I have suffered my now ex wife’s verbal and emotional abuse that is intermingled with her strong controlling and manipulative behavior. I got physically ill every weekend. I think it was because I had to be home.
I walked on eggshells from one day to the next not knowing when she’s going to go into her anger rages, and almost always on trivial annoyances. For example, she’d been visiting friends and I went to pick her up from the airport curbside. I saw her and her son and rolled the window down to say welcome home. Instead I received a surprizing verbal lashing because the car had waterspots from the sprinkles. Her veins popped out, the f word was used repeatedly; how dare I pick her up in a dirty car she said!
I was at a loss, my heart sunk, my face was flush, I teared and wept inwardly. In retrospect I should have taken off and let her find a way home.
I began smoking, felt worthless, but to add to it, she’d never apologize. Instead she acts normal, even the next morning. I wanted to discuss what happened but she’d put up her hand to my face and say “I don’t wanna talk about it, why do you keep bringing up the past?”
This lasted 7 years, I tried talking to priest for their help, that didn’t work, demanded she gets counselling. ..yeah right, she is in denial. Blamed her anger on me. When I tried to reconcile with her after I separated for several weeks, through the help of a priest, she said it’s the husband’s duty to take this behavior from his wife! After sometime, I gave up, had to divorce her. Luckily we don’t have children together. She still blames the failure of the marriage on me and is making it a very difficult and costly divorce! Surprised?
(PHILIPPINES) I’ve been married for 7 years… And for seven years he has verbally and physically abused me. Yesterday was the worst because he abused me outside the house. A lot of bystanders were enjoying watching while my husband was beating me, pulling my hair, slapping me, banging my head on the wall and pulling my clothes until I was almost half naked… And the worst thing is that my two kids were watching their father do that. Since then my whole body has been shaking and my head is painful because of the contusions on my head.
I’m afraid to leave him because I don’t have money and I don’t have a family that I can run to. Sometimes I want to escape through death but I keep on praying that God will be my refuge and strength. Please pray for me and my two kids that we will be fine and that God will give me enough strength to face this thing.
(USA) I am sitting in a extended stay hotel room that I haven’t left in 2 days. The fact that I am not curled into the fetal position in the corner gives me hope. I struggle to write this on my new laptop. Something he saw fit to spend money on. I had to appeal to him by saying I wouldn’t need to come over to use the computer anymore.
I have post parthum onset bipolar disorder. I know I have put my family thru hell. That at one time, he was my biggest supporter, makes this even harder. My husband is a musician. I worked and supported us for 10 yrs while he played the rock star. He worked but just to get by. We planned our first child. Couldn’t have been happier. Skip to my son, who is sensitive like his mom. His heart is broken.
On Dec 14, 2011 my husband said he loved me. I told him to have a good day and be careful. The man that came home is bitter and angry. My friend asked me why he hates me and I don’t know why. He behaves and says things that suggests he believes that my struggling in the past was because of laziness and self indulgence. Now, he has become someone that says the cruelest things that he can possibly think of. Maybe my denial is at fault, and my belief in marriage. The red flags have been going off and I knew it. My commitment to doing everything possible kept me from accepting the reality.
We were supposed to see a counselor. I tried to find one in our new location, had asked him for help a couple of times but it got too late. He uses the confidance that comes from marriage to exploit every insecurity and fear. He has taken apart everything about me. What is left if I am the mother of his children and I’m pretty. I have asked, have egged him to be nice, only to be told that I have made this all about me.
He has done the worst. I made it thru him tearing me down in court, telling lies, so the judge would make me move out of our home, gave him primary custody. I did not believe that I could mentally make it thru that. I’m proud that I did, especially since I had no attorney.
I just discovered that the money for an attorney for me was there all along, for the hotel as well. He forced me to leave our home on a night that Texas experienced a snow storm like no other. My van ran all night. A couple of hours at Walmart, a few at 2 separate 7-11 locations, he didn’t care. He has no love for me at all. Now there is another woman. He left his condoms for me to find, I’m certain of.
This has given me somewhere to look, read, find hope. I have lost something that has been part of my core –more than one something. I have prayed every night since I was eight but somehow I have gotten lost. In the despair I have cried out and HE always anwers but I am missing the comfort that I know I should have. I am still alive because of my fear of hell, not because of my faith in Christ. Please pray for me.
(RUSSIA) This article was written by a someone who will never have a good marriage. Anger going too far is absolutely wrong. I agree with that 100%. This article is lacking the fact that the spouse may be causing the anger or pushing buttons which fuels anger. In a scenario like that, the spouse needs professional help. You cannot pick on the person who is angry just because he/she is angry. You have to find the source of this outburst and remove it from the marriage.
If someone is constantly intentionally pushing buttons to get the spouse to that place, the person who starts it should stop that behavior. If it is between husband and wife, the wife should cool down the husband by surrending to him in everything as long as it is not in offense to the Bible. If it is the wife who has anger issues – that behavior has to completely stop because the wife is to surrender to the husband in everything.
Overall, both husband and wife should surrender in everything but the husband has the final word. If you don’t believe me, read Ephesians 5 in the New Testament. Worldly opinions do not matter. Biblical knowledge should be used in marital issues, as well as life issues.
(USA) Joseph, in marriage husband and wife are to submit to one another, but I’ll get back to that… Having been in abusive and controlling relationship (turned marriage), from the very beginning I knew that the behavior was just that – abusive and controlling. I don’t think this article is necessarily about whether the abuser is provoked or how the abuser is provoked, it’s moreso about the fact that acting out in an angry, abusive nature is not ok no matter what!!!
To suggest that a wife should be submissive under those circumstances will not solve the problem. In order to confront the issue the person who cannot control his anger has to figure out what causes him to lose control and pray for deliverance. It is the same for any spouse, man or woman. Enabling that person to continue in the cycle of abusive and angry tendencies by just simply submitting will only reinforce the feeling that the inappropriate behaviour is justified and necessary to get the desired results. How then will that person ever confront their on torment and destructive behaviour?
I regret the fact that so many husbands hang on to the verse of the wife being submissive but throw out the rest. The husband is called to love his wife just as Christ loves the church (His believers/followers) and to love his wife as he loves himself. If you notice the commands for a husband are laid out before those of a wife. There is a reason for that, one begets the other. How easy is it for a wife to be submissive when her husband shows his love in a healthy, godly way?
Furthermore, a husband has to submit himself to the Lord. How can a Christian wife be submissive to someone who is in opposition to the word of God? Our submission to Christ comes first. Our relationship with Christ is most important. I’m not saying that wives should act in rebellion until they feel that the husband is loving them or acting in a way he should, all I’m saying is that it is time for husbands to recognize where they are not fulfilling the roles God has called them to fill. Marriage is about submitting to one another so that both parties can be fulfilled. Life is better when everyone in the family gets needs fulfilled, not just one person. If the husband is treated like a king, the wife should be treated like a queen, not a servant.
If we are all called to be Christ-like this principle should be so easy to understand. We should operate in love at all times which involves us to submit to one another. This life is not all about what we want and how we should be treated, it’s about us operating in the love of Jesus Christ, not worrying about how we are treated because we know our reward comes through the Father. In all problems we seek Him and He’ll direct our paths and give us peace in all situations. It doesn’t mean we are supposed to be punching bags or abusers.
(USA) Amen Crystal, Amen. For Jesus himself was the greatest example, no one abused him, nor took his life, he decided to lay down his life for us. There were many times they wanted to stone and kill him, Jesus removed himself from those situations!
(USA) This was such a wonderful article and a Eye opener. I shared this and your link on my blog. I have a Christian woman Blog and this will help so many women! God bless you and thank you for teaching the truth, http://womenwalkinginchrist.blogspot.com/2011/09/when-anger-becomes-abuse.html
(USA) I need some advice please. My daughter in law is physically abusing my son. This has been going on for 5 years. They have a 4 year old son. I am so sad and told my son he needs to get her help. I also said I am not going to wait for him indefinitely.
A few years ago she had confided in me and I lovingly told her she needs to stop, find some help, and I would be supportive. Since then she has not sought help and is pushing me out of the picture. My grandson tells me of what is happening. I can’t imagine CPS taking him away if I expose this. I am praying for divine intervention and I have a very strong pull to take action. HELP please.
(USA) I have been married for 2 yrs, I love my husband and I love Almighty God. I am truly at my wits end trying to deal with my husbands’s insecurity, jealousy, anger, frustration, negativity, emotional and verbal abuse. I can relate to all the comments talking about walking around on eggshells because I never know when my husband might flip out. He calls me out my name, likes to fling and break things, and then tells me he can understand why men in past relationships were violent to me. My husband complains that I don’t listen to him when he speaks but EVERYTHING my husband says is negative.
I am praying for my marriage but honestly don’t know how much more I can take. He holds my past against me and he tells me he doesn’t trust me. I have never and would never cheat on my husband because I made a vow to God that I would keep myself only for him till death do us part but my husband truly believes I have cheated on him and that I am currently cheating on him. He tells me frequently that he knows I don’t want him but this couldn’t be farther from the truth.
I think the worst part is when he gets on the telephone and talks to his mother, father, and brother about me like a dog. He frequently yells so loud the neighbors can hear him. I have tried to discuss how this treatment is making me feel but whenever I’m trying to say something about me, he quickly makes the conversation about him. He thinks every man wants me and I want every man. There is just so much I’ve been bottling up inside me because he won’t listen how his anger, insecurity and distrust are affecting me. Then after he has spewed all this venom, he expects me to be in the mood for sex.
My husband says he loves me and God but he is a mean and miserable man. Each and every thing I do is scrutinized. I have to think about everything I say because hours later he will ask the same question thirty different ways to see if I’m lying which he thinks I’m doing all the time anyway. He criticizes my friends to the point where none of my co-workers, friends, or family want to be around him. Nobody comes to visit because my husband acts like he doesn’t want to be bothered.
My husband is creating a wedge between us with his verbal abuse. I don’t know whether to end the marriage or not because I’m beginning to question and second guess myself. He would love nothing more than to be able to control my life. Please pray for me to receive guidance to save my marriage before it’s too late.
Cassandra – You sound a LOT like me! My husband is extremely jealous and has accused me of an affair from 12 years ago. Every time he gets mad at me he brings up my ‘alleged affair.’ Everyone but him knows it never happened and he probably knows deep down that it really didn’t but he seems to need some kind of crutch to be mean to me for.
Is your husband and alcoholic? Mine is. I have been doing a lot of research on alcoholism and and convinced that his erotic and assinine behavior is due to the alcohol. We are currently separated and I am at a crossroads on what to do next. We’ve started on the divorce papers but I so want to give him a chance to get help. He needs to realize the pain he is putting his family through, but as an alcoholic, everything is everyone else’s fault. His wife left, his friends are dwindling -but he doesn’t see it as his issue. The ones leaving him are the ones with the problem. Very sad how a man I loved so deeply has become a monster and pushes the ones who love him the most away.