When Anger Becomes Abuse

punch-316605_640If a person gives place to anger, and goes with it wherever it takes them, and if they say and do whatever feels good at the moment as they release that anger toward their spouse, it is abuse. There is a difference between simply getting angry about something, and letting anger become a weapon that crushes a person’s heart. This abuse beats down their spirit, or hurts their physical body.

Someone who will allow their anger to go that far has a mental and emotional disorder and needs professional help. In order to be free of that kind of anger disorder and the abuse that comes as a result of it, they need the power of the Holy Spirit to cleanse their heart and deliver them from this selfish work of the flesh.

Abusive people love their anger to the point of actually looking for ways to be angry. Anger empowers them and fuels the fire they love to fan into flame. It also gives them what they perceive as control. But actually, anger illustrates their utter lack of control. Lashing out and yelling at someone God has given you to love is sin. Abuse is sin.

Explosive Anger

First of all, any words that are spoken in explosive anger can be abusive. A loudly raised voice and poor choice of words can cut like a knife into a person’s soul. Angry outbursts are loveless and full of the desire to hurt. The verbal abuser doesn’t try to see it from the perspective of the person they are abusing. They don’t care to know how badly their anger makes the recipient of their anger feel. This is because all they care about is how they feel themselves. If there have been times when your spouse’s angry outbursts have killed something in you, that’s abuse. Or if there are times when your own angry words have destroyed something in your spouse or your children, that is abuse. Abuse destroys lives.

You are in a battle for your marriage, but the battle is not with your spouse. If he [she] is the one firing the shots at you and you are being forced to defend or protect yourself, give the situation your best shot in prayer. Ask God to deliver your husband [wife] from the evil spirit troubling him [or her] (1 Samuel 16:14-23). Ask God to give you the ability to stay calm in the midst of the battle. Ask Him to help you to resist striking back.

Protect Yourself

All that being said, I am definitely not saying to stop defending or protecting yourself if you are in harm’s way. I’m not telling any spouse to stay in her [or his] marriage if mental or physical health is in danger. This is especially true if her [or his] life is being threatened in any way whatsoever. Abuse of any kind goes against all that God is and all that He has for you. No one is required to take it. If you are afraid of what your spouse might do to harm you or your children, make plans to get free. Find a place to go and people to help you move out. I have known of too many people who waited too long and suffered devastating consequences. Don’t be one of those statistics.

If your spouse is physically abusing you, call a domestic violence hotline. You will usually find it listed under “Community Services” or “Emergency Services” at the beginning of your phone book. They understand the situation and can help you make the right decisions as to what to do about it. If you need to leave home for your own safety or the safety of your children, they will help you do that. Even if you don’t end up leaving, it is good to have a plan. You need a safe place to go, a way to get there, and someone to help. You also need money you can have access to, and the legal papers and possessions you need to take with you.

Physical Abuse Ramps Up

Physical abuse doesn’t go away on its own. It only gets worse. If you don’t want to help yourself, then think about helping your spouse by leaving and not returning until he [or she] gets help and is cured. Being destroyed by someone who has an emotional disorder such as uncontrolled anger is not the kind of self-sacrifice or martyrdom God is looking for. Don’t enable your spouse to suffer the consequences of his [or her] own sin of abuse. Help him [or her] get the healing needed to become a whole person.

There is no excuse for abuse. It is never justified. A spouse who physically or emotionally abuses his [or her] marital partner is emotionally sick and has a serious problem. Of all emotional disorders, anger can be by far the most destructive. It is more destructive than depression, anxiety, or fear because it is usually directed at the spouse in some abusive and destructive way. Don’t fool around with this; it’s too dangerous. He [she] needs professional help and fast.

A man who beats his wife and children in any way should be removed from them completely [the same goes for a wife who beats on her husband and children]. Even if the abuse is only verbal, none-the-less, it is still extremely damaging. Scars happen internally as well as externally. Anger and abuse is the problem of the person who has it and not the fault of the one abused. No possible action or words of yours deserve violent, angry outbursts. Do not blame yourself.

Most of all, pray. Pray

…Prayer for Breakthrough in My Husband [Wife]

LORD, I DON’T WANT TO ever feel that “my soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace” (Psalm 120:6). Deliver me from anger in my husband [wife]. Your Word says, “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:4). Where I have ever felt that an angry spirit in my husband [wife] has hurt me or broken my spirit, I pray You would heal those wounds and take away any unforgiveness I have because of it.

I pray You would set my husband [wife] free from anger. Help him [or her] to recognize a spirit of anger rising up in him [her] and reject it completely. Strengthen him [her] to be able to control his [or her] mind and emotions. Also, help him [her] to remember that “we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers,” and the rulers of darkness and wickedness (Ephesians 6:12).

Teach him [or her] to be slow to anger the way You are (James 1:1). Help him (her) to understand that anger never produces spiritual fruit (James 1:20). I pray that all anger in my husband [wife] will be evaporated by the power of the Holy Spirit. I pray that he [or she] will have a strong desire to reject his [her] carnal side and become spiritually minded. Let there be no reason to fear his [or her] anger and what my spouse might do. Help me trust that “I will both lie down in peace and sleep; for You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8).

Also:

I pray now that You, the God of all hope, will fill my spouse with faith and hope by the power of the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him [or her] and give him [or her] Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would lift up Your countenance upon him (her) and give him (her) Your peace (Numbers 6:26). I pray You would direct his [her] heart “into the love of God and into the patience of Christ” (2 Thessalonians 3:5). Help him [or her] to flee anger and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love patience, and gentleness (1 Timothy 6:11). In Jesus’ name I pray.

This article comes from the excellent book, Praying Through the Deeper Issues of Marriage: Protecting Your Relationship So It Will Last a Lifetime by Stormie Omartian, published by Harvest House Publishers. There are a lot more thoughts you can read in the chapter on “If Forgiveness Doesn’t Come Easy.” In addition, you will find there are other helpful chapters. You can read more on anger, abuse, communication break downs, depression, having children dominate your marriage, addictions and other destructive behaviors, outside influences on your sexual relationship, hardness of heart, and the “D” word, infidelity, if one decides to leave home, lost hope, and more. Each chapter also has Scripture Truths to Stand on as well as Prayers for Protection on those particular subjects for you and also for your spouse. This is an excellent book that we highly recommend!

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99 responses to “When Anger Becomes Abuse

  1. (USA)  Greetings, After reading this article I feel that this is exactly what I am dealing with in my home. My husband has been just awful towards me; he has outbursts over everything and I feel like I have to be walking on eggshells when I am around him.

    In the begining when he would act this way he was able to recognize this spirit of anger, and he would apologize to me and we would pray over it. But over the past few months he stopped praying, and he even refuses to go to church with me at times. It feels like he is looking for an argument just so he could skip church and ask for a divorce.

    At this point every little thing triggers him and he is immediately threatening me with a divorce. He does not want anybody to know what he is going through so we have been pretending among our co-owerkers that we are very happy. He wants to keep this wonderful image and reputation, but he does not realize that this is excatly what the devil is using against him.

    He refuses to speak to our Pastor or any of our Christian male friends. He just does not care what happens to him in life, he says ugly things to me all the time and lashes out. I am living in hell and its only getting worse, all I can do is pray at this time for the both of us with hope that God will change my husbands heart. I pray that God removes my husbands heart of stone and give him a heart of flesh! In the name of Jesus I pray! Please keep me in your prayers!

  2. (MOZAMBIQUE)  I can relate to Cassandra and Kartina. I have been in an abusive relationship for six years and went on to marry this monster 5 months ago as I thought his insecurties would be put at ease once we got married. However, this turned out to be the exact opposite. He is overly jealous, paranoid, verbally and emotionally abusive in all senses. He has accused me of sleeping with my boss or any man that I come into contact with. I cannot visit my family without him as he accuses them of arranging a man to come and see me.

    He is negative about everything I do and never acknowledges any good that I do. He will argue with me about anything and everything under the sun. He nit-picks at everything I do. I cannot run my own home. If I arrange stuff he re-arranges it to suit himself. He criticises my cooking. He does not like to hear people give me any positive comments without him adding something about himself. He is constantly talking me down and telling me my friends and family are of low class. His behavior is weighing me down and stripping the life out of me.

    He controls what we watch on TV -if he doesn’t like what I tune into he walks out and does something else. If we’re listening to music in the car and a song I like starts playing, he skips it to something he likes. When we’re in company, he prefers not to sit with other couples, he leaves me on his own while he busies himself. When we have friends over for the weekend he hardly spends time with the crowd and goes to bed early and berates me the next day telling me my behavior was out of hand. I cannot make decisions without consulting him. If and when my family visit, he makes it a point to make them feel uncomfortable and to make matters worse, he lets me know of his intention to do so. The atmosphere is tense when I have friends or family over so much so that they do not call again.

    He tells me if I leave him he will go and embarrass me at work and let everybody know I’m having an affair with my boss and eventually get me fired from “your good job”. The one time he was hurling such threats, I told him if I lose my job he would have to look after me and he in turn told me he would leave me if that happened. The moment I tell him I want out of the marriage, he gets so abusive to me and tells me I will never be happy and that at my age (40) I am lucky to be married and that no one would want me at my age, he tells me all hell will break loose and that we would end up having to call the police with what he will do to me and our property. He tells me I would not like to bring out the worst in him and that he will go out of his way to make my life miserable should I insist on a seperation/divorce. I am constantly walking on eggshells as I don’t know what to say or do that may trigger his wrath resulting in a tirade of abuse.

    The one time he embarassed a male friend whom I hadn’t seen for years by accusing him of sleeping with me and went as far as telling him he’d get him killed and he was not afraid of going to jail if necessary. My friend had to call security to get us off the property. Not to mention this was a respectable complex in the suburbs.

    To add insult to injury, he does not display this abusive side to people and will tell me that everybody knows he’s a good person and always laughing and smiling and joking with everyone so no one would believe me if I told them about him. The moment we’re home or in the car, all the abuse comes out relentlessly, and it seems the more I cry, the more he pleasure he gets from abusing me. I have spoken to his sister who has tried speaking to him about his behavior and she has acknowledged that he indeed has a problem and that he has always been abusive in all his relationships. She has begged and pleaded with him to change his ways, he will change for a month or so and then we’re back in hell and the cycle continues.

    I have two teen-age daughters from my previous relationship who have been my pillar of strength through all these years. He verbally abuses me in front of them but they have stood strong and close by me -I thank God for this. I am praying and asking God to deliver me.

  3. (IRELAND)  Hi there -I’m sitting here trying to be strong and to hold back tears… I can so empathise with all here. I will pray for my own troubled situation and also for those whose life experiences I have been entrusted with. Thanks for sharing…. It has helped to realise that others are also struggling. And thanks for those who put words to situations I was unable to describe.

  4. (USA)  My marriage is a little different. My husband, when not angry or jealous, is actually a wonderful man to be around, I just never know how long that will be or what will set him off and turn him into this mean angry individual again. I also walk on eggshells hoping I won’t do anything to set him off because when he gets mad he says things that are so horrible, and decides he has to teach me a lesson.

    It started out by him taking the keys to the car and the checkbook away from me to keep me from going anywhere or spending any money, to opening up his own checking account, shutting off my cell phone, blocking my brothers number on my cell, to even changing password on things so I couldn’t have access to them.

    He would eventually calm down and give me back those things, until the next time and he found something else to keep me from. At one point I left with the kids. He got scared and appologized and begged for us to come back and we did. He was fine for a while but eventually the arguments started up again and his jealousy got worse. Like I said when he is not in his angry mode, he is fun to be around, very affectionate, sweet and the man I fell in love with but unfortunately I have a hard time letting my guard down and giving him the affection he is looking for.

    I have been worn down with all the cruel things he says, all the insults, and all the arguments. I have tried to tell him that maybe he needs to talk to someone about his anger, but he thinks it is all me that if I would make him feel like he was number one, then he wouldn’t get mad and everything would be fine. He says I’m the one who has to fix this marriage.

    I know I’m not perfect and have made mistakes but it would be so much better if we could discuss our problems not have a major fight. I am hoping that the information on this web site will help us.

    1. (USA)  Susan, I can relate so much to what you say. My husband is someone I believe to be a good man. But his temper is bad and I feel I’m walking on eggshells over the smallest things. He is affectionate and loving when he isn’t mad but the more ugly things he says to me, the less I want to offer affection in return. I struggle to feel safe with him because of his tendency to crush me with his words.

      He doesn’t take from me in the way you say yours does you but it is common that he withholds a need or want from me until long after the anger susbides. He used to say I wouldn’t get my way if he put his foot down and now I wonder if he meant it although he claims to have been joking. However, he will not take advice from others… he will read his Bible occasionally, though. I know it could be so much worse but the words I think are as bad at least, as somene beating you physically.

  5. (CANADA)  I like many others have tears rolling down my cheeks too. I have been dating a really wonderful man for 3 years. He says he loves me with all his heart, but he is very jealous and angry. His jealousy fuels his anger as well as my tone of voice and many other things. A weekend doesn’t go by that we don’t fight.

    I broke up with him last year because of his accusing questions and terrible name calling. He promised me things would be different and asked me to have faith in him. He is a good man and he tries but Satan gets the best of him. He is Christian, he goes to church with me and reads his Bible, goes to a church Bible study group with me and has recently started serving, but the anger just doesn’t go away. He blames me and I too always feel like I can’t do anything right and need to be careful not to set him off.

    I do know that it is not me and it is his problem and I refuse to take the blame. I have asked him to seek counseling or else we can not continue. I now need to stay strong, but it’s so difficult because I do understand that this is a problem and I love him and feel bad for him. Please pray for me to stay strong and please pray for him, that he will go to counseling and be able to conquer this problem. God is good and I know his has better plans for both of us then what has been going on.

  6. (US)  I wanted to leave this short as it can get the best of us that try to accomplish anything of value. Simple Example. Fathers, Drill Instructors, Teachers, Boss. When we have nothing we can do but use words, it is not unnatural to put more expression in them. Did anyone consider that anger is sometimes expressed by those that are abused? It is one thing to not get what we want and stamp our feet like children. It is another thing to express our concern with real problems that need corrections or it will all be in vain.

    Before you go accusing men of being tyraniccal or abusive as husbands, fathers or anyone else, keep in mind their objectives and what is causing their behavior. Do they have rational reasons for their feelings? Are they just supposed to bottle it up till they explode like the nice guy you hear about that lived next to you for so long with no problems because noone talked to them?

    Sometimes expressing our anger vocally not only gives the person a workout but it may tire them out so they do not do anything they and possibly you regret. I know by my statement that it may appear that a person saying them must have issues. And if I do? We live in a world that is controlled unless it is an opinion. Just look at all the differences in broadcasting. And with so many, how do we know the differences. As a person living where they can not express their opinions even when a majority watch or listen to what they do are not of real “moral value”.

    What is there not to get angry about. We see stuff on the News constantly about the troubles of the world, and we either feel to small to change it or that we ignore it because we have something that needs done. (Even if that is Resting) And instead of looking at what has been accomplished we are slapped in the face with more problems that we may not even have the power to change. It is at these times we ask ourselves where God is. Because God is supposed to have the power to do anything.

    I remember being around 5 years old asking why there were so many homeless in lands distant than our own. I am unsure how it got into my find and from where but it was the Devil. I remember being so young and being sooo angry with Him that I literally flipped him off.

    Once again I am unsure of how that was learned. I blamed Him for all the problems that were caused and asked myself why God allowed it. Now that I am 34 years old, I have discovered it as people being the true nature to what was behind it. And to be angry with people is much more rational. To go beyond that and express it louder and with more hateful words should show the contempt with the idea of the cause. It still changes nothing to those not wanting to listen. Which moves into the thought I can’t change it. But am I some extreemist going and bombing a world trade tower? No.

    It might be due to living in a land where this country was built on ideas and freedom of speech. Problem is Business (self preservation) in overcoming our faith in God, or even our idea to do the right thing. I am not different although I try to do with less, think about others, and keep serious consideration about waste. I find as I get older though that these things I believed in are not what I once thought, believed, and was taught they were.

    Keep that in consideration when you think about that tyranical lunatic husband you may hear ranting and raving in his own home when hes trying to instill those views into his own children not too mention trying to reafirm his faith about a world that seems so full of possibility and yet so full of desperation to survive.

  7. (USA)  Christopher, you said: Before you go accusing men of being tyrannical or abusive as husbands, fathers or anyone else, keep in mind their objectives and what is causing their behavior. Do they have rational reasons for their feelings? Are they just supposed to bottle it up till they explode like the nice guy you hear about that lived next to you for so long with no problems because noone talked to them?

    In response: I believe you are speaking of ANGER. There is a time and place for anger; angry feelings are part of being human. What this particular article is about is ABUSE. When anger turns to rage –a person is out of control. Regularly belittling another human being is not normal. Your suggestion on regular exercise is one I support completely –it gives multiple benefits and I have seen cardiovascular exercise reverse depression in some people.

    The author mentioned that abuse does not get better –it gets worse. Having spent years facilitating support groups for battered women, there is a pattern to abusive behavior. A recognizable pattern. One that is usually learned behavior from their parents. May I also add that @40% of the cases I saw had both spouses abusing each other? It is not always one or the other.

    Let me wrap this up by saying that an abusive husband/wife is also a cherished child (by God) –valued the same as everyone else and we should not forget that.

  8. (UNITED STATES)  Please pray for me, as I am having some marital problems, because of an angry spouse. My spouse is passive towards me, ignores me and tries to escape our problems. He just goes to bed and will not pray with me. I am alone and unhappy in my marriage. I try to be a Christian, and these problems persist in my life.

  9. (USA) Looking back my husband has always been verbaly abusive. It has gotten worse since he stopped smoking. I do belive he can choose not to be that way, because I am generaly the only person he blows up at. Such hateful, nasty mean spirted personal attacks. He is away with his job, and I wish him no harm, but don’t want him to come back to the house. No alcohol, no affairs. He has unhealthy mental issues and is in denial.

  10. (US) Changing the subject. When I was engaged to my now husband, three months prior to the wedding he cheated with someone that I knew from high school. I forgave him because he was truly sorry for his actions. I really believed his sincerity. Well after the wedding one month after we exchanged our vows, he had a one night stand with a stranger. Because it was so soon I kept the secret between us. I went through a great deal. He basically told me to get over it because if God forgives so should I. It was a very callous moment. It’s been 14 years and I’ve hung in there. I recently noticed he is becoming extremely close to his brother’s fiancé. His behavior is taking me back those 14 yrs. I notice way too much interaction, flirting and it seems he makes excuses to be around her when in fact he knows his brother is out of town. I have told him about my concerns but insists that I need to turn to God for guidance. Although he is right, how do I get him to stop disrespecting me? Any comments will help. Thank you..

  11. (USA) Both my husband and I have been abusive to each other. I said the prayer and book marked the page so that I could come back everyday until God’s presence is so fused in our lives this will all be just a bad memory. Both of us want to change but this gives us a path. Thank you.

  12. (USA) I have been married for 5 years. Together we have a 4yr old son. The first big red flag/fight was while we were engaged. I refer to it as “The Great Scissor Fight of 2006”. I had taken our scissors to a friends house and forgotten them there. A few weeks later he needed to use them and they were not available (of course). He flipped out; how could I be so inconsiderate?! So stupid, so thoughtless?! Those were HIS scissors!! We had plans to go to a friends house that evening. After raging at me “over the principle of the matter” for about 2hrs (& still going strong) we left for the party. On route to said party I told him I just wanted to go home; he turned to home and drove in speeds exceeding 100mph, cursing, yelling, raging at me.

    “How dare I?! Don’t you get it?!” I was dropped off to go fetch the scissors and he went to the party. Since that time he has thrown objects, broken many remote controls, demolished various household items, severed all ties with friends, and the name calling has escalated. Most recently we went on a trip to Mexico, we got separated getting off the plane so I proceeded to Customs to secure a spot in the long hot Mexico Customs line. When he came in, I had made it about 1/2 through the line. I raised my hand and snapped my fingers to get his attention (I did not want to yell his name across the crowded Customs office). He made his way to me and once again freaked out. He started yelling about how disrespectful I was. “How dare you snap your fingers at me?! He yelled obscenities at me. I was shocked, mortified. I asked how would he have preferred that I get his attention. His response – “I can’t even believe you would ask me that with a straight face!”.

    Later, when he had calmed down (you could still feel the anger simmering below the surface), I asked if he felt his anger was justified. “Absolutely! You were totally out of line!” I then asked if he would be open to counseling. “No, but you should go. You need to learn how to listen”. During another recent explosion, our son was terrified of him. I asked if he was ok with that. He just shrugged “At least I don’t coddle him”. I honestly don’t know how much more I can handle. Something has got to give. I feel like right now I stay to protect my son. I feel fairly certain that if I were to leave he would do everything in his power to get sole custody of our son; I worry that he would pour all that hatred and rage onto that sweet little child. Who will protect him then?

    1. (USA) My husband did a similar rage after my first son was born, and your words haunt me as to how you are feeling the need to protect your son. God bless you. Contact the leader in your church for help, a domestic violence hotline to document EVERYTHING (just in case), check into if you have a Community Bible Study group so that you can get out and establish a social network (just in case things don’t work out), get into counseling, contact an attorney, and choose to be positive. God bless you.

      I empathize with you beyond measure. You are going to have to plan for the worst and expect the best given that you have no control over his choices, only yours. I suggest for you to look at your actions and your behaviors to understand your conduct to help yourself separate from the anger and not be the target. There is nothing that you can do to control his anger. Nothing. The more that you can separate yourself from it, the healthier you will become because it needs you to be a target AND react so that it can live.

      Whatever is broken in him from his upbringing is not a result of you. I recommend the following books, The 5 Love Languagesby Gary Chapman, How to Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman, Nonviolent Communicationby Marshall Rosenberg, A womans healing journey by Marsha Means, and The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbandsby Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

      Keep praying. Remember when it happens at home to take yourself and your child out of the situation if there is a blow up at home. Leave and come back. Pray to God, trust your gut and answers to your prayers. Smile because there are others out there who have made it through similar experiences whether with their spouse or without. “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to teh sould and healing ot the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

  13. (KENYA) I emphathize with your situation, Adrian (USA). From what you have just shared your husband needs help to manage his anger because both you and your son already are traumatized by his outbursts, cursing, swearing, verbal attacks on you mostly triggered by something that is not huge. I wonder what will happen when these outbursts become physical violence aimed at you and your son. I am not writing this to scare you, but you need to consider talking to a pastor or someone whom both you and your husband respect even perhaps (parents), who can help to wisely bring to his attention that this problem is escalating and is causing you to live in fear and it is also out rightly embarrassing.

    James 1:20 says “for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” This anger obviously does not glorify God. Your husband should confess this problem to God and both of you ought to pray to God to help him to overcome it. Ephesians 4:29 says “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” God by His Spirit, is able to reveal to you and your husband what is the true source of these anger outbursts and how you can deal with them. May God grant you the grace to continue in your marriage as you stand with your spouse to deal with issue together. Crystal

  14. (USA) I am asking for your prayers. I believe that I am the one who is now demonstrating abusive behavior in my home. I am working with a counselor as well as getting acupuncture to help me deal with mild postpartum depression. I do not want to go on anti-depressants, and am trying my best to improve naturally. My husband and I have been married for seven years and have two young children under the age of three. We have seen a marriage counselor off and on throughout our relationship when needed, for issues/baggage that both of us have brought to the relationship.

    However, now I feel that my depression has turned to anger. I am not the happy person that I used to be, and get angry at almost everything my husband does. This is not me. This has to change. I love my children so much, and do not want them to see me treat my husband with disrespect. I believe that I have bitterness in my heart because I have never had the love and attention from my husband that I truly desired even when our relationship was strong. But now, who would want to be loving towards someone who has turned so bitter?

    My husband has told me that he doesn’t even care if we get along anymore, just that he wants the kids to be lovingly raised. He’s basically given up and doesn’t care, which makes me even more angry. I have begged him to go back to counseling and he finally agreed he would. I am praying that it can help us find common ground. I feel as though my husband thinks that I am making up having postpartum depression, and that he thinks I am just an awful person deep down. Yesterday, I was so upset that I broke a glass in my hand from squeezing it too hard. I am desperate for the love and support of my husband during this hard time, and unable to get it. I pray that I can act out of love and not anger to help us both.

    1. Lee, You’re on the right track, as far as getting help from a therapist and such, but I thought of a few more things that might help, as well. I’m not sure because I don’t know all of the circumstances, but it’s worth a try. First off, it’s not unusual to go through seasons of marriage when there is distance that comes between you. Sometimes it’s because of issues that need to be worked out and sometimes it’s also because that’s the rhythm of relationships –there are ups and downs, tides go in and tides go out, but the important thing is to try to ride them out and be as proactive in “staying on the beach” and working with intentionality to get to a better place in those ups and downs. I wrote a blog about “Ups and Downs of Marriage” that you can find at, https://marriagemissions.com/ups-and-downs-of-marriage, which may help explain part of what I’m saying here.

      And while you’re waiting for “better” times to come, there are 3 more things that might help. One of them you’re already doing –you’re getting help –particularly for what may be postpartum depression. Don’t underestimate the tug (or rather yank) that has on your emotions. Fight them as best as you can… that’s tough stuff! Plus the fact that you have two young kids under foot as you’re dealing with a hormone imbalance. That’s no small task. Children are precious but they can sure take our emotions for a ride… up and down and all around. Pray and do the best you can to scream in the other (unoccupied) room and get through this time. This season WILL pass, believe me. I’ve been there and have done that.

      Also, be careful of where you allow your thoughts to go. That’s another place where I’ve been there and have done that. I remember going through the screaming meanies –especially fired up by hormones, depression, and difficult situations life pounced on me (a horrible combination). It’s no fun for anyone. But I have learned to tame my mind (for the most part). One scripture in particular helped me. It’s found in 2 Corinthians 10:5-6, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God… we take captive every thought.” I started to realize that there was a war going on in my mind and I was allowing myself to go down thought trails that I shouldn’t. When I did, it only added fuel to the negative thoughts and behavior I was acting upon. So I learned how to say “no” when my thoughts would start to go places where it wasn’t healthy. You have to “nip” those thoughts off in the beginning or they grow to become monstrous. When I find my thoughts STARTING to go down destructive rabbit trails, I stop right there and say to myself, “nope, I’m not going to go there.” And I don’t. I find something else to occupy my mind. I’ve learned to stop the destruction before it grabs hold.

      And lastly, I encourage you to read an article (plus more) that we have posted in the “Communication and Conflict” topic, which may help in some way. It’s titled, “It’s Not IF You Fight But HOW You Fight That’s Important.” You can find it at, https://marriagemissions.com/its-not-if-you-fight-but-how-you-fight-thats-important/. I’m not saying this article is a “cure-all” for what’s going on between you and your husband but it could be a good starting point. Part of the article quotes John Gottman who is a renowned marital expert. In this article, he tells a group of people two very important factors he’s found in his research, as far as what makes a good, healthy marriage. He says, “The issue isn’t whether you fight, it’s HOW you fight and HOW RICH YOUR STOCKPILE OF GOOD FEELINGS IS ABOUT EACH OTHER to weather difficulties and keep your basic attitude toward your partner positive.” You’ll need to read the article to get the context of the point he’s making.

      But basically, he’s telling people that we need to learn HOW to fight with each other, so that we don’t allow contempt and name-calling to get into the brew. That takes skill building. And we have lots of tools and help on that posted on our web site to help. You need to put some guidelines and rules down in your marriage, perhaps your “10 Commandments for How We Conduct Ourselves Within Our Home” that you pledge to follow (we have help with all of that posted on our web site). It will take sitting down in cooperation with your husband to work on and through those issues. And then when you do, you need to follow through with those guidelines. THAT’S the hard part, but SO VERY IMPORTANT!!!

      And next, you need to look for ways to build your love connection with each other to “stockpile good feelings” that will get you through good times and bad –through times when the ebb and flow of the tides and ups and downs of marriage are at work. At first you could almost feel robotic in doing this, but eventually, feelings will follow. We have a “Romantic Ideas” topic I recommend you work through –it’s a good start. It will be hard at first to do this, but it sure beats the path you’ve been on. As Dr Phil says, “How’s that working for you?”

      All of this is to be done as you continue to get help for your hormone imbalance and working with a therapist for other areas of your life, such as anger control (we have articles on this and tools to help in this, as well, on our web site). I hope this helps. I recommend you pray about what I’ve suggested, asking God to show you what of this information will truly help you and how to inch your way into doing that which He shows you. I realize that some of this will involve your husband participating eventually. Pray about how to approach him on this (much as Queen Esther had to pray about approaching her husband). Again, I hope this helps. I pray for wisdom, and guidance, and empowering for you to continue on this journey to helping your marriage to get to a better and a healthier place –not only for your sake and your husband’s, but also for your children’s sake. You and your husband are important role models for them. May your marriage grow to a place where they see and experience love in action… love that is not toxic but vibrant and strong.

      1. (USA) Cindy, Thank you. There is so much that you have written that gives me hope. My prayers were certainly answered when I “found” your site, and have been reading as much as I can. I am positive that growing my relationship with Christ will help me through this time and will become the catalyst for change in my marriage. I also have made an appointment with my counselor tomorrow and am eager to share your site with her. There are undoubtedly many individuals who would benefit from a faith based marriage check.

  15. (NIGERIA) I’ve been reading these posts and something just breaks in my heart. Though I’ve not experienced abuse, I have watched those I love suffer at the hands of spouses who are next of kin to the devil himself! Because of our African culture, It’s easier to keep quiet when facing abuse. I’m from Nigeria and trust me, the police most times have better things to do than track down an abusive husband. If they do, they’ll most likely let him go the next minute and you are back to square one.

    But one book that has helped my loved ones is “Handling Quarrels in your Marriage”. It has saved many marriages and given abused partners succor in Christ. I strongly recommend it to those in abusive relationships and even those in otherwise perfect relationships. Anyone in Nigeria that is interested can get it at the Hub bookstores (I saw it there some months ago) in Lekki, Lagos or in Akowonjo, Lagos. The book is by marriage counselors Charles and Carol Ighele. [You can see a review on the book at, http://pmnewsnigeria.com/2011/08/24/reloading-lukewarm-marriages..] I’ll keep you in my prayers