Marriage Missions International

When Is It The Right Time to Leave a Relationship?

The Bible says there is a “season for everything under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3). And a few of those seasons described, tell us there is:

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

But when is it the right time or “season” to decide when you are to stay and when you are to leave a relationship? It’s a difficult decision to make, especially, when your beginning days together were so enjoyable and showed promise that your union could fulfill so many of your hopes and dreams. You wonder if your relationship could ever grow into something good again if you just kept persevering.

If you had the answer to that question at your fingertips, wouldn’t life be easier? (And you could become rich as well, in doling out that advice to others who would gladly pay for the answer.) That’s especially true if you have the courage and resolve to carry out what you know you should do, after you’ve received this wisdom.

Years ago when my husband and I were dating and eventually became serious about each other, we struggled with this very decision. We were both young and immature in so many ways (although if you had asked us, we would never have thought so — we were sure we were very mature). But looking back we both marvel that we were able to stay together to eventually marry (because we fought so much, and neither of us were good at resolving conflict in healthy ways).

And then after we married, it’s amazing that we have been able to stay together and build our marriage into a good one because there is a long history in our relationship of not approaching areas of conflict in ways that were healthy (and we can still “go there” if we aren’t careful).

We both call it GOD’S AMAZING GRACE, that He helped us to grow past the nonsense that we each brought into our relationship, and remain faithful to each other, and eventually recognize that we needed to be steadfast to the vow we made in the marriage covenant we entered into so many years ago. God has been faithful in helping us to grow and mature, to firmly hold onto Him and to each other. And He continues to help us, and teach us to be the married couple He ordained that we should be in this mission called marriage.

So for us, it has been a good thing that we didn’t leave our relationship when we could have (and wondered if we should have) so many times in the past. We now have such a good marriage and we would have missed getting to this place in our lives if we would have given up earlier until we were abel to make it so.

But that isn’t true for many, many other couples that are dating. Some relationships are toxic, where one or the other (or both) isn’t ready for marriage, or one isn’t suited to marry the other for some important reason, or one or the other (or both) shouldn’t marry anyone for different reasons.

Obviously, the best time thing is not to even enter into any type of relationship with someone who isn’t ready to commit (when you are in that stage of your life). Author A.J. Kiesling writes about “separating the wheat from the chaff.” He says,

“It turns out there are things you can do to find a perspective mate—or to move a budding relationship forward—and it all starts with looking for the right kind of man:  the marrying kind.”

To learn more that could help you if you are “single, but preparing”, please click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read:

• IS HE THE MARRYING KIND?

But when you are already dating someone and your emotions are involved —particularly if you feel you love this person that you are conflicted with, you don’t want to consider that you could be “blind” in some ways to the potential problems ahead. You want to believe that somehow your relationship can be salvaged in some way. And you certainly don’t want to be hasty and make a wrong decision. No one welcomes or wants to go through the trauma of breaking up with someone you care about because of the pain involved.

“It’s no wonder the choice to stay or separate causes so much inner indecision … especially for Christian men and women. Not only is it utterly life changing, particularly when the relationship is long term, but there are so many thoughts, emotions, and rationalizations that play into both staying put and walking away: We may feel guilt about leaving, fear of being alone, and conflicting feelings of love, anger, resentment, discontent, and every other sentiment under the sun.

“…For all these reasons, many people push the thought of leaving from their minds, instead resigning themselves to a life of less love, joy, and spiritual/personal fulfillment than they deserve” (Nichole Williams).

To help you in this dilemma, Hope gives you some guidance that we encourage you to prayerfully consider. To do so, please click onto the following web site link to read:

As a Christian Man or Woman,
When Should You Walk Away from a Relationship
?

Sometimes we risk and give more when we stay in a love relationship than we really should. And often times, God tries to get our attention to warn us and sometimes stop us from continuing on in a relationship that is toxic.

Hudson Russell Davis writes about this in a series of articles titled “On Being Hindered” posted on Crosswalk.com. He writes about the distain he’s always had for “God’s barriers, His hindrances to relationships and the hedges He placed there.” And then he wrote:

“I hated letting go of someone that seemed so wonderful, never mind those things that were there to hinder me. But I came to revel in them. In the not so distant past, I did my best to go around these hindrances; anything but simply take them as they are and dare I say—wait.”

But eventually God showed him that there were good reasons for the hinderances he was encountering and it made him reconsider his stand on this issue. He came to the place of realizing:

“There is no doubt that sin is involved in human affairs and false ideas may help shape loneliness. Your desires may come from a desire to belong and to gain in this world a symbol of success —marriage. You may even crave a person simply because they present to you an opportunity to fit in, to belong, or to overcome the awkward feelings of singleness. You may desire someone because they fit the image you have constructed without really knowing that person.

“A person may be perfect on paper, but no one marries paper—at least no one should. That person may be perfect in dreams but life is not lived in dreams. They may have desirable qualities but nothing is sure until you walk down the aisle and say, “I do.” Until then, do not ignore the various ways in which God offers advice—the many ways in which he hinders.”

To read more of what God taught Mr Davis (and could teach you as well), please click onto the Crosswalk.com link provided below:

ON BEING HINDERED – Part 1

“God just may introduce obstacles or obstructions in the path you choose. He may look to hinder a relationship, to prevent or stymie the relationship, and He does all this in love.

“Ask the divorced, the abandoned, the discontent, or the hopelessly married, and they will tell you that there were signs, obstacles and hindrances they ignored. Though loneliness is not inviting, there is worse. If He hinders you, be hindered. If he places obstacles in the path of this or that relationship, HEED them.”

That’s part of the advice Hudson Russell Davis gives in the next article he wrote on this subject. To learn more, please click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read:

ON BEING HINDERED – Part 2

In Part 3, Mr Davis writes about the “what if’s and the way they can haunt us to the point that we start to wonder if the hinderances we’re encountering should be heeded:

“What if this IS the person for me, and I am just too wounded to let myself be loved?”

“What if I am just too picky?”

“What if she is serious about changing?”

“What if I never find someone else?”

“What if this is all in my head?”

Have you been haunted by these and other “what if’s?” If so, please click onto the link below to learn more as to what to do about it:

ON BEING HINDERED – Part 3

In Part 4, Mr Davis writes:

“Usually, the real issue is that though the spirit is willing the flesh is weak. Loneliness makes fighters of us all and when it comes to giving up what we want—we are like a dog whose food is threatened. We growl though our master seeks to save us from harm.

“To the lonely heart it hardly matters if the relationship is worth fighting for. It hardly matters the pain and strife it brings. To the lonely heart it matters only that there IS a relationship to fight for and that on the other side is the gaping abyss of loneliness. Loneliness makes fighters of us all.”

Sometimes a person will battle with God along the way on their “path toward decision.” But in doing so, there can be loss on many different levels if you ignore God’s ultimate will for your life. To learn more, please click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read:

ON BEING HINDERED – Part 4

“There are no easy answers, but the reasons for staying in a relationship are the same for leaving a relationship. Staying is dependent on that person being an aide to your higher goals. Do they love God, love you, and love others?”

To learn more, please click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read,

ON BEING HINDERED – Part 5

If you have come to the end of this article and you are still doubting your relationship as to whether you should stay in it or leave it, then something is wrong. Either you are in denial about doing what deep down you know you should do, and you are stretching the pain further along, or you need to go further and get some good, godly counsel —to talk to someone who is impartial, who doesn’t have an agenda in whether you stay in the relationship or leave it. Sometimes we can get stuck in the middle and we heed someone who is wise to help release our feet and give us that extra push to do what is best.

Most likely, if you should stay in the relationship, you would have stopped reading this article long ago, because you would have told yourself that what was being presented really didn’t pertain to your situation.

The fact that you are still laboring over leaving a dating relationship to this degree speaks volumes about your insecurities. It wouldn’t be a stretch for me to say that you are definitely not ready to marry this person at this time because if you did, the foundation of commitment would not be there. Your commitment should be steadfast and immovable.

You will encounter many storms if you marry. That is part of marriage and a part of life. The marriages that have staying power are those where both partners have the tenacity to hold on despite the storms that assault them.

Get the godly counsel you need and get off the fence on this matter. “How much better it is to get wisdom than gold! And to get understanding is to be chosen above silver” (Proverbs 16:16).

This article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.

Share

Join the Discussion!

But please observe the following guidelines:

  • Try to be as positive as possible when you make a comment.
  • If there is name-calling, or profane language, it will be deleted.
  • The same goes with hurtful comments targeted at belittling others; we won't post them.
  • Recommendations for people to divorce will be edited out–that's a decision between them and God, not us.
  • If you have a criticism, please make it constructive.
  • Be mindful that this is an international ministry where cultural differences need to be considered.
  • Please honor the fact this is a Christ-centered web site.
We review all comments before posting them to reduce spam and offensive content.

Comments

16 Responses to “When Is It The Right Time to Leave a Relationship?”
  1. Renee says:

    (BAHAMAS)  I think I need deliverance because I don’t want to be the center of other marriages.

  2. Tony says:

    (USA)  Sadly too many continue to follow this advice after they are married. If they are hindered, instead of working through the issues, they take it as a “sign” “God” must not have meant for them to marry, so they should get a divorce.

  3. Capone says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  A week ago I broke up with someone I believed that God said would my husband. The relationship started with sexual sin and during the 20 months we were together we made plans about our future,we even named the children we would have together. I decided to be baptised and then everything changed within me, I could no longer ignore what happend at Calvary.

    Honestly, when the fruit of the tree we planted stated blooming, I ignored them and thought I can make right what we did wrong. These fruits were fights (about the same thing-sex), lack of trust, selfishness and tempatations outside of our relationship.

    Then it finally hit me, I have to leave all (my life, my sins, my heartaches) at the cross to experience the true Joy of God in Jesus Christ, for me. I know its only been a week, but my spirit feels relieved and I know there is a lot of praying I must do, for God’s healing over my heart and I’m trusting him for that. If it is God’s will for us to be together, it will happen on his standards and commandments and not on the standards of the world.

    • Lo says:

      (USA)  Good for you Capone. The will of God is good for you. Keep on praying and God will show you which way to go. May God bless you for choosing to leave the sinful arrangement you had. I know it’s very difficult to leave someone you have been intimate with but it’s possible if we rely on God.

      Pleasing God rather than men is the best way to go. It works all the time for me. There is joy in the ways of God if you are patient enough to witness it!

  4. bernie says:

    (GHANA)  Please help, l am in a relationship with a seventh day adventist. I love him but won’t want to attend his church and the rules attached. Must I leave this relationship on this basis?

    • Sharon says:

      (USA) Well, it depends. My husband (boyfriend at that time) was a Seventh Day Adventist and I was a Catholic. I suggest you go there once and be open minded. I’m not exactly sure if you are a Christian or not, but if are, you need to ask God to show you the way. Your decision should be base on how much you love him, and if you are willing to compromise.

      I did, however, eventually became a SDA member because I found the truth. If you have been trying to seek the truth, maybe God is using him to show you the truth. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. In my opinion, if this man treats you the way you should be treated, and if the only issue/concern is regarding his religion, then I believe that you should stay. Having a man who is God fearing is one that is to be treasure because it’s hard to find one nowadays.

      Also, if he loves you he should not force you to go to church, but encourages you instead. In the end, it’s your salvation and your decisions

  5. VICKY says:

    (GHANA)  You said you love the guy but you don’t want to attend his church because of rules attached!! What rules? Not wearing earings or trousers? Is it love & happiness that you want or rules!! If you don’t like his church you can still go to your church If you guys get married it’s an agreement. You can take my contact if you like. Adventist guys are real blessings.

  6. Rose says:

    (S.AFRICA)  Dear Bernie, I am a Seventh Day Adventist. When I married my husband I was a member of the Anglican Church and he was a Seventh Day Adventist. As time went by and I studied the Bible for myself I adopted the truth and God has blessed our marriage and family abundantly.

    May you be open to discuss and study for yourself and receive the richest blessing in your life. You will be in my prayers.

  7. Mel says:

    (USA)  I wish I had found this article years ago. In my youth, I used to take heed to the signs and then family (mama) told me I didn’t give people a chance and that no one is perfect. I knew that no one was perfect but I also knew how I should be treated in my relationships. Things changed when I ignored the flags and started giving my so called relationships chance after chance.

    Now, I’m literally stuck with someone who has a little bit of every negative relationship I ever had. Being lonely looks a lot better now than the space I share at home with someone who doesn’t care one bit about me! Now, I’m married so I have to just stay in prayer and continue to do what is right in front of God. Next time, I will listen and be happy to be in my own company and in my space ALONE.

  8. Rhoda says:

    (GHANA)  My boyfriend and I are planning to marry next year. He has a child who is an infant. My problem is that he’s not into pre marriage counseling and thinks that he knows it all –that marriage is all about love and not somebody telling you to do this and don’t do that. He works far away from home. What do I do because I believe that marriage is not only about love.

    • Kimberly says:

      (USA)  Rhoda, just a suggestion but, do not set a date until he agrees to Pre marital counseling. It reveals A LOT. There could be deeper issues there, that he’s hiding or doesn’t want to resurface. You want to know as much about each other as possible so there aren’t any “surprises” later on after the wedding. No one can know it all. The Bible says to have a teachable spirit. If not, there’s only room for pride which is the cousin of arrogance.

  9. Lost says:

    (UGANDA)  Hi all, I’m writting this is desperation as my marriage is about to end in a couple of hours. My husband and I have had problems since day one and I’m being really honest when I say day one. Do you know the “honeymoon” phase everybody talks about? Well, I don’t know that feeling. I’m stuck, but so far I feel it’s for the best if I leave cause I just feel that I can no longer carry on. Advise please.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Dear Lost, This article is for those who haven’t married yet. Why do you think you can “no longer carry on” in this marriage? And how long have you been married?

  10. Liz says:

    (USA)  How long do I stay in a marriage with a man who has cheated many times, both sexually and emotionally, came “clean” when confronted, was “good” for 2 years and then started sex-texting with other women? Our marriage is not a sex-less marriage and I have changed myself physically to try to please him… apparently to no avail.

    I do not love him anymore. I am finally ready to re-claim who I am. I have stayed in the marriage for the benefit of our 3 teenage children, but I can no longer carry on this lie. This is the only time I finally have a peace about leaving and becoming who I am as God made me. Any suggestions?

  11. Relationship says:

    (Somewhere)  I have been in a relationship for the past 4 yrs and after a yr we started a premarital sex, which is not biblical. It lead to pregnancy which I aborted. Due to the abortion I want to break the relationship but I still love the guy. Please advise me; I am confused.

Marriage Missions International