When Men Fail To Lead

Photo by Ambro, FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Photo by Ambro, FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is the basic nature of a man to assume the lead —to be a do-er. Immediately, you may think of many men who are passive. For these men, passivity can be a means not of leading but of control or manipulation —what is known as passive-aggressive behavior.

This trait often emerges in a man when his confidence has been badly shaken, or when his masculine self-image was wounded at an early age. Recognizing and understanding passive-aggressive reactions will allow a wife to more effectively minister to her husband and to survive the intense frustration of life with a man who withdraws because he is unsure of himself.

There are two parts to handling the problem of a withdrawn man. The first is to commit yourself to the process of helping him emerge into his God-given role. And the second is to build for yourself a strong relationship with the Lord from which to draw strength while the emerging process is working.

How does a wife enter into the process of helping her “withdrawn man” come out of himself? The first part of her task is to build the skill of “active listening.”

Most of us assume that communication involves talking, but it also requires listening and looking. Women are notoriously good listeners —at least during courtship. But many times, this crucial skill is lost and forgotten after marriage.

True listening involves far more than waiting to talk. It involves picking up clues in an attempt to understand the reasons behind what is said and what is left unsaid. Often, a wife is at loss for what to say to a husband who is silent. Many ask, in frustration, “How do you listen to a stone?” You don’t. But neither do you try to forcefully penetrate a stone by talking at it.

A wife can, however, show her husband that she cares what he’s going through. And this can be done non- verbally in as many creative ways as you can imagine.

She can approach her silent husband, who has slouched in an easy chair, with a snack and the evening newspaper. She can stand quietly beside him, rub his neck and communicate without speaking “I love you. You’ve come to the right after a tough day.”

This can work in reverse, too. Instead of telling her stone-silent mate about mate about all the pressures of her day—which will likely drive him deeper into removed silence and the wife deeper into frustration —she can try this: “Honey, I’ve had a rough day. Would you massage my shoulders and help me relax?” If you cannot get a listening ear, you can at least have the comfort of his warm, relaxing touch.

Many women wrongly assume that their withdrawn man is so confident in himself that he is withdrawn in silence because he doesn’t need her at all. This is often a very wrong assumption. In fact, he may be withdrawn because he has had his confidence shaken, has seen his dreams shattered, or has spent his day feeling defeated. As a result, he needs a safe place to go, and home should be that place.

Home has been called “the spot where when you go, they have to let you in.” Many times, however, a man sees his home only as a location filled with more pressure. If he has been defeated, he’s not thinking of what his wife has faced all day, nor does he see the many roles she fills. His vision shrinks to the minute size of his own life. He’s left staring at the rubble of his shattered dreams. He sees his goals and his happiness slipping through his grasp.

Yes, it’s true that you may have had the challenges and defeats in your day, too. But the fact is, seizing your husband by the ear the moment he walks in the door is not the way to gain his eager attention. If you learn the approach of active listening, however, you are more likely, later, to get the attention you need as well. But what do you listen for?

What Is He Running From?
The desire to escape pain is a tremendous motivator for many men. For a man, one of the greatest sources of inner pain is the lack of success or outright failure.

Recently, in an interview on a news program, the race-car driver Danny Sullivan was asked, “When you’re in that car, what do you fear most?” You might reasonably expect him to reply, “A crash,” or “A fire.” But no. Like many men would, he said, “Failure. I cannot stand to lose!”

Even men who have a strong belief in God are not immune from this male trait.

The prophet Elijah might be an example of a man who experienced depression and a paralysis of will because of a failure. In 1 Kings 18, we read that Elijah defeated the prophets of Baal. But at a time when one might expect this great man of God to be on top of the world, he made a mistake: He ran when his life was threatened.

We read that “he went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a juniper tree; and he requested for himself that he might die. He said, ‘It is enough; now, O Lord, take my life, for I am not better than my fathers'” (1 Kings 19:4).

A Christian woman may think that her husband’s beliefs should erase his human, masculine weaknesses. But given an even that shakes his confidence, a man’s first response will be to escape pain just like Elijah.

Unlike the prophet of old, the Christian husband has a wife and family who, hopefully, are committed to seeing him overcome human weakness.

Lashing Out
There can also be another side to the withdrawn man. When he isn’t immersed in silence, he may be demanding and critical. Having lost the battle in his working world, he may turn his attention to the one place he still seeks to prove his dominance—his own home.

One of the obvious first signs is that he’ll become less and less considerate. He’ll contribute little effort to help with the chores that make the household function. Then his wife points out his shortcomings as a husband, a father and a Christian. The more she communicates a lack of respect for him, the sooner he’ll decide that home is just another place filled with hard knocks. This produces a downward spiral with results that can be devastating.

Another sign that a man feels his failure has thrown his life “out of control” is that he will take only “safe” tasks. Why should he attempt something that carries with it the uncertainty of risk? Therefore, some men will pull back from activities over which they don’t maintain a high degree of control, or in which they aren’t certain of success.

The complexity of today’s world often freezes people between choices. When a man finds himself at a crossroad in life, he may believe it is actually wise not to act at all. He then becomes glued in his tracks to indecision. In his desire to do the best thing for himself, and the perfect thing for his dreams, he does nothing.

If he’s employed in a job he dislikes, he may remain so, in the desire to wait for the perfect moment to switch. Meanwhile, his dissatisfaction and emotional withdrawal from his family continues.

The actions—and more importantly, the reactions —of a woman whose husband is undergoing a crisis are critical. It doesn’t help to say, “My husband knows the Lord. Why doesn’t he just pray?” The facts are that Christ has given each of us a ministry, and the wife may be the only expression of God’s love that her husband can see during his most trying times!

Now, I’m not suggesting that a woman should overlook or ignore her own needs when trying to help her husband out of time of emotional withdrawal. In fact, while she’s learning to listen and to wisely communicate her love in practical ways, she must not neglect her own emotional and spiritual needs.

Only by learning to press on in her relationship with the Lord will a woman be able to handle her own pain, which will merely compound the marital stress if allowed to churn out in negative words and reactions. The path to helping her husband and, therefore, ultimately helping herself, starts with her own walk with the Lord.

The Path to Peace
Often a woman marries believing her deepest needs will be met in the relationship with her husband and in the family and home that promises to be hers. There’s that tendency in each of us, men and women alike, to view our spouse as someone pre-designed to meet our own needs. But only God himself can satisfy the longings of our heart.

If a wife is to have a major impact, she must ask God for the wisdom to help her to focus her husband on hope.

There are several creative ways she can work on this task:

1. Begin to keep a prayer diary of little things she is praying for in her devotional time. Keeping track of the ways God is answering prayer will also bring hope.

2. Acknowledge that even the things her husband is now doing to avoid responsibility as having potential future value. (For instance, a wife whose husband is a good mechanic could say, “You’re such a great mechanic. It makes me feel safe to drive around in a car I know you’re looking after.”)

3. Find something he has done in the past that is paying off now. Compliment him. (“I’m grateful you built that barbecue. We’re getting so much good use out of it this summer.”)

If these simple steps are undertaken and continued patiently as a ministry, a wife may show her husband that she believes in his future and his worth, even if he does not. This can be done without sounding “preachy.” And more importantly, she needs to be involved in encouraging her husband in a way that will give her hope as well.

Build His Confidence
Include as a part of your personal prayer list this daily request: “Lord, let me catch him doing something right today—anything!” Thanking him for the smallest deed as soon as possible can be a positive reinforcement.

As newfound confidence develops, your husband will be a happier man to live with.

The above article came from the book, Husbands Who Won’t Lead and Wives Who Won’t Follow, written by James Walker, published by Bethany House Publishers. It is an excellent book and goes into much greater detail to help you understand your spouse, your marriage, and your expectations for each other. This is a very practical, insightful book that can help both husbands and wives find assistance and directions to help them find a balance of roles by investing a few hours going through this great resource.


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60 responses to “When Men Fail To Lead

  1. Me and my ex husband just got remarried. The preacher told me and my husband not to marry because he wanted to make sure my husband was ready. I thought I should have submitted under the authority of my husband because he did not want to listen to the preacher. So he decided to marry me the very next day. I thought for sure without a doubt that this is what God wanted me to do. And I could trust God and God loves me no matter how much my husband does not.

    The first few months was doing well, then my husband started doing things that was hindering my growth. He became extremely jealous daily. We would get into it over being accused. Then due to the arguing one of my handicap patients did not want to go to church with us anymore. Our kids were following his lead and the oldest daughter started doing things he asked her to do just so he could make me mad.

    Then he told me to give him 600.00 a month. I had rental property and he told me to leave it empty and he wanted it in his name. When I got upset he would call me names and say I was the one that was not being a Christian wife or mother. I had to tell the leaders at the church I had to go. It was too much. I began being mean back. It hurts so much. I want to overcome!!!

    1. I think at this point it is easier just to live alone and pray for them from a distance. It is sad and horrible but I really think this is all I can do.

  2. My husband does not work and tells me to pay him 600.00 a month while he knows what I want and the thing God has shown is for me to work less and be in the home more for the kids.

  3. (USA) My husband and I have had a lot of positive discussions about why he hesitates to lead and what I can do to support him while he figures it all out. He admitted that his big issue is laziness. He has come to many conclusions on his own about how this flesh-issue is affecting us and ways he can fight against it. However, none has stuck and he keeps falling into the habit of making choices based on what is the last amount of work. Leading is work, so he often chooses not to do it. (He has said this himself.) I feel like we have a constant dark cloud of laziness hanging over our family, marriage, and home. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to fight against this “standard” that is being set for our household. I also feel under a lot of pressure to keep up with all of my own responsibilities, because if I let anything drop, he follows my “example” and drops many more of his own responsibilities.

    He has told me that he has a very “easy” job most days; usually watching TV while he waits for appointments to come in, and can handle current responsibilities. But he puts off many things for “later,” and later never happens. (This includes things like family time, financial things, intimacy, etc.)

    I pray for deliverance from this for my family, but I know that this is a choice that he has to make for himself. I am very ready to submit to his leadership when he finally makes that choice, but what should I do in the meantime? I’m very overwhelmed, stressed, and lonely. I need my husband. Is there anything else I can do to help him?

    1. Val, I’ve been there. My husband had a hard time leading (sometimes still does, but not very often at all, anymore). God gave me insight that my husband had a hard time leading because of his Phlegmatic personality. Plus, when he would try to lead, strong women in his life would take over and he would just fade in the background. I became one of these strong women because I couldn’t stand to see so much undone and thought that if he wouldn’t do it, then I would just step in. But as the Lord gave me insight (through a lot of prayer and reading), I realized that he was a leader waiting to happen, if he had a woman who would allow some things to go by the wayside, if needed. But more than that, to get under him, encourage him, and see how God would raise him up, as I ducked and got out of both of those ways. His “leading” legs were a bit shaky at times in the beginning, but eventually, I watched him grow in wonderful ways, and we, as a family, greatly benefitted.

      A lot of women would object to doing this, but I saw in my mind’s eye that this was necessary, if he would ever become the leader that he could be. My husband Steve has helped me in other ways to be the woman I can be, but even if he didn’t, I know it is my calling to help him grow as a man and godly leader. Eventually, through a lot of encouraging, getting behind him, helping him at times (instead of taking over), and cheering him on, it has been amazing to see what a good leader he has become. This wasn’t an instantaneous thing. It has grown over years. And even so, he (and I) can still fall into old habits… but for the most part, it’s been an amazing transformation.

      It seems that your husband will need you to help him to grow beyond his comfort zone. Be careful not to focus on his laziness, but rather to focus on the fact that he CAN do what he needs to do. And be careful not to get into the nagging, belittling mode –also grabbing onto self-pity. It’s easy to get into that. It’s a no-win situation if you do. Eventually, you very well may see him grow as my husband has and other husbands have.

      I can well appreciate your feeling overwhelmed… I’ve been there (and am still there at times with the responsibilities of Marriage Missions, family matters, etc.) but God gives us strength when we don’t think we have any left. I’ve seen and experienced this over and over again. Please keep asking God for wisdom, keep praying for your husband, and look for the insights God can give you to help your husband in the ways he needs it. You will be wonderfully rewarded. God has a way of doing that for us as we persevere and help our family when and how they need it. I hope and pray the best for you, in this.

  4. I think that what you posted made a lot of sense. But, think on this, suppose you added a little content? I am not saying your information is not solid, but what if youu added a title that makes people want more?

    I mean When Men Fail To Lead – Marriage Missions International
    is kinda vanilla. You ought to glance at Yahoo’s home page and watch how they create news titles to get people to open the links.

    You might try adding a video or a pic or two to grab readers
    interest about what you’ve written. Just my opinion, it could make your posts a little bit more interesting.

  5. My husband has been so emotionally abusive that I can’t trust him. It’s all I can do to be silent and pray. We seem to both be stuck and he insists that I be the one to make the first move. I’ve had to lead our entire marriage and then he was critical of my decisions. He was traveling a lot with his job and into that and I had to have structure with the kids so I did was was needed.

    He wants me to initiate intimacy. I don’t feel valued or pursued by him. I’ve begun to live my own life and find my own interests. God is faithful, but what do I do in the meantime? If he gets me to do everything, then it’s just like before and he never meets my needs because he’s already gotten what he wants.

  6. Why men fail to lead? Sometimes it’s that the woman is a control freak & will not let the man make decisions. Other times it’s not quite as it seems, a man wants his wife happy, so he does what she wants to avoid conflict. My wife told me to make a decision about something, so I did. It wasn’t what she wanted. So she did what she wanted to do anyway.

  7. Thanks for this site. I have been married for 27 years. The past 10 no sex. What keep us together is we believe in marriage, what God has joined together let no man come between us. My husband doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. We are 11 years apart. He wants silence all the time. I want to cuddle up and play. He makes me cry a lot. I have met someone else but God told me No. God told me wait on him. Please pray for me; I am tired. We get so many compliments when we go out in public. Couples want to be like Ronnie & Linda. I guess it’s the blood of Jesus upon our life.

  8. My husband claimed he was a Christian when married. He claimed he was raised in the Baptist church and baptized at the age of 9. On the other hand, I was not a Christian but had a deep yearning to learn about God. I had a deep soul felt crying for the Word of God but was never fed by husband and we never stepped foot in a church because he refused to go until I was called by God. I became a Christian 10 years after we were married. I yearned to hear prayer or learn about God from my supposedly Christian husband. God called me to Him. Then to a church. I was truly born again and had a desire for all things concerning God.

    My husband showed me after I found a church that he was eloquent in prayer and the people at church thought he was very good at serving the Lord’s supper and leading prayer. But at home he was silent, a totally different man who turned the TV on to movies that horrific sexual and physical attrocities. After living like this for 25 years, with the church thinking he was the greatest and he changing the minute he got home, I had agreed with the brethren about their praise of him and upheld this false personality he portrayed to the brethren. I did not want them to think he was fake.

    Then, I found out after 35 years of marriage that he was continually unfaithful to me having affairs with the women he worked with at his job. Then I found out that he lied even when the truth would fit better about many other things. He finally got fired from his job on charges of molesting an employee who was young enough to be his granddaughter. My entire life has been wasted on a fraud who could dupe even the most doubtful of onlookers into thinking he was a man of integrity. I did not want my sons to think badly of their father so I took the blame on myself all those years of broken promises that he made to them and to me. I even took the blame of his infidelity upon myself because I did not want my sons to think badly of their father.

    But the truth is, I have been a faithful wife and kept him sexually satisfied but he turned away from me to other women and refused me, not the other way around. At the time I thought he was simply tired and overwhelmed with his teaching job. I gave him space because he was so hateful to me. I made excuses to so many people for him trying to cover for him but all it has done is led to me not feeling like I am a worthy person, I am a woman who was not worthy of my husbands love, leadership, faithfulness or fidelity. All it has done has led to me having a deep sense of loss and failure as a wife, mother and Christian because I stood behind him and took blame for whatever he did that was not Christian or moral.

    Now we are married 43 years and I have stayed with him because I made a vow before God to remain with this man through good or bad. All of the burden of leadership for my boys was placed solely on my shoulders as my husband remained busy with his job and traveling to meetings and conventions that could not include his family though I found out later he was taking one of these women he worked with on these trips. To this day he claims he is a Christian and God forgives him for whatever he has done and I have to forgive him too and if I don’t then I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN!

    I now have deep hurt, bitterness and anger towards this man but I still love him. I have always loved him even through all the cold, lonely days and nights when he made himself absent from me and our sons. All the lack of spiritual leadership and guidance for me and for our boys. I was forced to take the role of spiritual leadership with our boys or they never would have known God or His Word. Today they are both Christians and leaders of their household. But because I always took the blame for their dad, they both blame me for what their dad is. Perhaps I shouldn’t have stood up for him and stood by him through all he put us through but I thought I was doing what was right in Christ. Didn’t Christ take our sins upon himself? Didn’t he take the blame? Now most of my life is gone and now I have to work on forgiving this man who has never been a Christian husband.