Marriage Missions International

When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage

sexual addiction

Over the past few years I’ve heard many heartbreaking stories from wives who have learned about their husband’s secret sexual lives. This discovery, or its disclosure, is what I refer to as blackout. It’s like sitting in a friendly, familiar room and suddenly having all the lights go out. The familiar surroundings take an unfamiliar form. Well-known objects become obstacles that trip us up. Fear shrouds us as we grope in the dark, searching for something to orient ourselves by.

Some would say the above descriptions are overstated. You may have family or friends who say that you’re overreacting. After all, looking at pornography is “harmless” adult entertainment. Fantasy doesn’t harm anyone. Such opinions, though, are made out of ignorance and denial. Sexual addiction typically begins with the habitual use of porn combined with masturbation. This self-gratification conditions men to experience sex in isolation, moving them into what I call “the world of me.”

I’ve experienced firsthand the devastation a wife feels when she realizes the most intimate area of her heart has been betrayed. I’ve seen over and over the same pain in others, and only those who have been there truly understand it. But well-meaning onlookers, because they lack this understanding often make comments that create additional wounds.

Blackout occurs in different ways and at different levels. Sometimes disclosure is quick, and it seems like someone flipped the off switch. More often, a bit of information starts a dimming process that, over time, ends in complete darkness. One reason for the slower progression is the way many men are discovered. Often, they’re caught —a bill, note, or Web site gives them away —which leads to a partial confession. Even husband who desire to come clean leave out information in the face of fear. Add to that an angry and hurting wife, and to many men, complete disclosure seems impossible.

The result for the wife is like candle flames being snuffed out one at a time, as he discloses or she discovers more and more information. But, in a diabolic twist of irony, a partial confession turns out to be worse than none at all. Husbands must confess everything in order for real healing to begin. Lies of omission are still dishonest even if well intentioned. Anything left in the darkness leaves a noose the Enemy can tighten at the opportune moment. Inevitably the rest of the story comes out later, increasing the wife’s pain and making blackout complete.

…I suggest you use great caution in demanding too much detail from your husband. Morbid curiosity has left many a woman with too many images that are difficult to erase. The best thing is to get only the general facts needed, not the gory details.

When my husband got tired of running from the truth —and from God —he finally confessed everything. I took advantage of his desire to be completely honest. Looking back, I realize I asked some questions that crossed over the line of what I needed to know. Plagued by images I didn’t need, the war raged in my head every time those images came up. Thanks to the teaching in my husband’s men’s group, there were times I’d ask questions and he would say, “I’ll answer that question, but are you sure you want me to?” This was a good check. Realizing I had all the information I needed, I stopped asking for unnecessary details.

You may cringe at this next statement: If your husband has come to you and confessed all, you will eventually come to see that as fortunate. I was one of the fortunate few —my husband did come to me, though at the time I couldn’t see how anything good could come out of it. Eventually, though, I recognized my husband’s coming completely clean was the first truly positive step even though the further disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing.

Dave’s disclosure caused more pain for me. It was God’s way of giving me a fresh perspective, and it was the real beginning of healing. Dave’s complete disclosure helped me to realize I wasn’t the only one hurting. It began to sink in that God was showing me Dave’s years of pain. He was a broken man and God had let him hit bottom.

My anger cooled. Dave wasn’t having fun. On the contrary, he’d been living a double life and battling demons since he was eleven years old. In addition, with his full confession he had to be willing to accept all of the potential consequences, including losing his marriage. He realized nothing could be worse than remaining where he was —in spiritual bondage.

I’ve encountered many wives who’ve had to deal with this same heartache of sexual betrayal, and I’ve repeatedly witnessed that once the whole truth has been revealed, even by accident, healing can start —for the husband, or wife, or both. Most men want help out of their bondage but are too ashamed to ask. Many have cried out to God in agony asking Him to release them from it. Every man believes, however, that if others knew fully what he has done, they wouldn’t forgive him. This lie keeps him in hiding and away from healing.

His being discovered, then, can be a husband’s first step on the road to freedom. But just as important, his being discovered can be a catalyst for the wife to get help —if shame doesn’t keep her in hiding. Yes, I hated what I’d learned from Dave, but finding and dealing with the truth, though painful, was still healthier than living a lie.

The above article comes from the book Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage, written by Meg Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This is a TERRIFIC book for women who need to experience healing after finding out that adulterous sexual addiction has invaded their marriage. Not only does Meg, herself, greatly minister through her own personal experience, she also gives insight into the lives of several women and the journey they took to healing after finding out about their husband’s addiction and adulterous situations.

— ALSO —

Another article you might find helpful is written by Vicki Tiede, and is posted on the Family Life Today web site. Because Vicki had first-hand experience in dealing with the grief and subsequent choices she had to make because of her husband’s sexual addiction, you may find it helpful, because of your situation, to read:

WHEN YOUR SPOUSE BREAKS YOUR HEART

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Comments

113 Responses to “When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage”
  1. Stefan says:

    (INDONESIA)  Halooo… I am actually a 24 years old male who is just curious about marriage because my girlfriend is asking me to marry her. But I’m still not sure about committing to marriage after all of what I’ve read about how people went into unwanted things in that kind of commitment.

    Well, I don’t really know how to put this the right way. All that I’m curious about is, I’m wondering if you females here, who are hurt because of your husband’s addiction to sex, actually serve your husband in the best way a wife can give to their husbands? I’m not at all trying to be rude here. I’m just trying to get things clear. Because for myself, I’m just a young 24 year old male who is observing/researching about the life of marriage first before I have to live in that kind of “place”.

    Lately, my girlfriend somehow reduces the way she satisfies me sexually. And this really drives me crazy. This makes me turn to porn and masturbation. And because I turn to porn and start to look for another place to fulfill my needs, I actually feel a little ashamed of myself. And I don’t like that.

    To put it briefly, I was just wondering, for those of you who think that your husband is a sex addict, are they really that addicted, even when you try your best to satisfy him (giving everything you have available to give him for his sexually needs), or does the sex addiction happened because you didn’t work hard to fulfill his needs?

    I’m really 100% not trying to be rude here. All I wanted was some kind of knowledge on the question above, because I find it very helpful reading all that is written by those who have had a long marriage life. This is a life that I will be attending to sooner or later. And I just want to learn.

    Thanks in advance and sorry if there are anything I wrote that sounds wrong. Best regards

    • Melanie says:

      (USA)  You are not ready for marriage until you are ready to take responsibility for your actions. No one makes you turn to porn. You may feel unsatisfied but when you do, when you feel that way, is entirely on you. Furthermore, this is a forum for Believers and you are obviously unrepentant of your sexual imoorality given you see no wrong in sleeping with a woman you are not married to, watching porn, etc.

      • Dennis says:

        (USA)  Melanie, while you are right, you must admit that by him asking questions, and admitting that he felt ashamed for looking at porn he is moving in the right direction.

        Now Stefan, how long have you been with this girl, and why are you so scared to fully commit to her? Her pulling back sexually is quite possibly due to her feeling your fear of commitment. If you love her then make it your role in life to try to please her in every way that you are able to. Especially by marrying her. Don’t assume that these women didn’t try to please their husbands. It is far more likely that their husbands had an addiction to sex, and porn long before they even met, going back to as the cliche says, they found their dad’s Playboy mags.

        I have been married to my wife since we were 16 years old, and last weekend we celebrated our 14th anniversary. We were 13 when we first met, and became intimate, and at 15 I joined track, and field to lose weight for her. During this time she watched my little brothers, and when I got home my parents sent her home. Well unfortunately instead of going home she went, and hung out with friends. A couple of times these were guy friends that she thought she could trust, but they forced themselves on her, and w/ the fact that she had been abused as a little girl she froze, and felt she had no choice. After she told me about these two times I told her that if it happened again we were through, and that she should never have gone with them to begin with. She told me she would just hang out with her girl friends, and not the guys, and that it wouldn’t have happened if my parents weren’t sending her home as soon as I got home. So I talked my parents into letting her stay longer, and I started walking her home, and we mended our relationship.

        One night while I was walking her home we were talking, and I said something to the effect of “I know we’re too young to really get married, but we sin every time we have sex,” she responded “I know, but we love each other, and that is part of how we show our love.” So I asked her if she wanted to get married right there just between us, and God. So we said the marriage vows right there out in the woods just between us, and God. It was that summer when she told me of her abuse, and that fall after football we found that we were going to be parents. 5 months after our son was born we got legally married on New Years Day in 1998 at 16 years old. So if at 16 years old my wife, and I were brave enough, and in love enough to commit our lives to each other, then at 24 (by which time we had 2 kids, and had bought a house while still graduating from high school at 18, and 19) you should be courageous enough to commit to your girl friend.

        Has our life together been easy? No. Due to having our son at such a young age many of my personal plans died. So yes having sex before we were legally married did negatively affect us, but here we are 17, and a half years after we first met, and I still lose myself in her eyes every time our eyes meet. Sex doesn’t get more boring after you get married unless you let it. And don’t make the mistake we made, and allow your lives to just be work, kids, and occasional sex. When you have kids make sure you have a friend you can trust to watch them, or have your parents watch them for you from time to time to get out with your wife. Married couples still need to have that time alone to act like kids from time to time. We’re doing that more now, and we are really benefiting from it.

        You need to sit down with your girlfriend, and really talk about your futures, and everything about your pasts being COMPLETELY open, and honest. If you love her then go for it ask her to marry you, but not just so that you can have sex w/o sinning, but because you love her, and want to spend the rest of your life with her, and don’t let ANYTHING interfere with your marriage. Not pornography, or other women. Turn to your wife rather than other things.

    • Sky says:

      (CANADA)  If you turn to porn now – more than likely you will when you are married to this girl. At least tell her about this now. I’m 26 and my husband and I had sex about 2-4 times a week during the year he was doing porn behind my back. This was ‘the best’ year we had –and he still had this issue inside himself… it had nothing to do with our sex. He says it, as well, and I know he means it. We were both virgins when we married… and he’d never seeked out porn before. (So it wasn’t a reoccurrence.)

  2. Stephen says:

    (NIGERIA)  Well, my little contribution is that much of what we Christians suffer is borne out of ignorance, just like the Bible says, my people perish for lack of knowledge. But not the knowledge of this world. As a wife, there are some things about your husband you don’t need to know. Why? Because knowledge is infectious. Just like the Bible says, go to the market buy without asking questions, for conscience sake.

    Your husband needs to make his confession to God and repent and not to you. Your own part is to always make your husband realise that if there is doing anything wrong, he should repent because if you get to know later, the outcome could be bad.

    All I need to know is whether the lady I want to marry is a virgin or not, not the level of immorality she has committed. Close your mind to what has happened and let your husband know that his relationship with God is most important: If your husband loves God He will love you.

  3. Dee says:

    (UNITED STATES)  Both my future husband and I definitely agree with pornographic addictions being a sin and those people who are caught up in it need help emotionally. We were both brought up in religious backgrounds. We are both virgins and we believe in waiting til marriage. We are a very open couple and do discuss sex.

    He recently told me that he wants me to take over as the dominant roll after we are married. He wants me to be the dominant and him to be submissive. I was not freaked out because he was able to communicate with me on how it will benefit me. He likes to say how he will be a ‘housewife’ doing all the cooking, cleaning, daily household chores. I will take the role of the head of household and giving punishments when required.

    There is nothing attached to his feelings about this. He didn’t even know if something like this would be possible. We both know marriage is not going to be a cake walk. But we do see a problem in todays marriages. FEAR OF COMMUNICATION.

    Here is my problem. Many men are only trying to find a good way reach out. It’s sad that the one person they should be able to confide in many times pushes them away. If your husband tells you something like what I have written just listen without judgement. Ask questions, listen, and be respectful. You both took a vow and if you truly love this person then you will be supportive. I am in no way condoning actions of those with very serious sexual addictions.

    • Melanie says:

      (USA)  Please wait until after you have been married before you find yourself qualified to give marital advice. When you are dating -even engaged – you have not yet experienced the challenges of marriage, how Satan attacks, and how communication can get crossed in between bills and babies, so to speak.

      My husband and I shared EVERYTHING about ourselves before we got married, and then the stakes and realities changed once we said “I do.” You think you know it all, but only GOD can protect your marriage if you will follow Jesus Christ. You’d be better off to focus on prayer than “communication,” though being able to talk to your spouse is important.

      • Dennis says:

        (USA)  Melanie again to an extent you are right, but don’t be too quick to pass judgement. Dee never even stated how long they had been together. Though she, and her future husband aren’t married it is likely they have discussed marriage for quite some time. You are right though communication, and romance definitely gets lost between bills, and babies as you put it. However if you have your parents, or a close friend watch the kids from time to time you can keep the communication, and the romance going. We had let ours lapse some, but we are definitely getting it back now.

        Now Dee I don’t know you, or your fiance’s employment status right now, but it sounds like you’re the one who’s going to be the major bread winner. At first he might be ok with this, but after a while he’ll most likely change his mind. I’m not saying that a wife should be home “barefoot, and pregnant”, but when you do become pregnant, and are out on leave there’s still going to need to be money coming in to pay for the bills going out. Make sure you plan for that. In our marriage my wife, and I are 100% equal. We actually recently began to work at the same place in the same department, and make the same money. We’ve always taken turns making dinners, and share all of the house hold cleaning. Maybe that is one of the reasons why we’re still together after 14 years of marriage.

      • Megan says:

        (USA)  Melanie, Your comments seem very condescending. Stefan was searching for some Godly advice but who are we to tell him what his heart is like for God. He may be broken and searching but so are we even though we consider ourselves “Christ Followers” it isnt our job to tell him his heart but to embrace him and lovingly tell him his ways are destructive as this isnt passing judgment God has called us to do this and he also called it wrong, but search your own heart before you lash out. It turns people off from Jesus when we do things like that.

        Your comment exactly, “You are not ready for marriage until you are ready to take responsibility for your actions. No one makes you turn to porn. You may feel unsatisfied but when you do, when you feel that way, is entirely on you. Furthermore, this is a forum for Believers and you are obviously unrepentant of your sexual imoorality given you see no wrong in sleeping with a woman you are not married to, watching porn, etc.” This site is not only for believers but for people searching as well. Please be careful how you come across. Pray before you speak, would Jesus say it that way? How would he say it and what would he say? Now with that being said we all struggle with this but we all also struggle with being a sinner. Who are you to tell him he is unrepentant he said he knew it was wrong.

        Furthermore, I have only been married a year and we havent particulary hit a “low” if you will so am I not allowed to comment either? I believe God gives us all messages to share, single, married or divorced we can all offer insight to an issue.

        I believe you are a loving woman of God, but just an observation of both of your comments coming off a bit harsh. Not that it is a bad thing to be straight forward but in a loving manner. I believe us Christians do have to take a stand but we also have no right to tell anyone their level of repentance is little to none. Leave that to be between God and them and/or you.

        Stefan, I am not sure what you have decided to do but I pray that you continue to seek the right direction. I agree with Dennis that your girlfriend may be pulling away because she feels emotionally disconnected from you. There is no promise of commitment and she could feel more like an object rather than a valued treasure and a daughter of Christ. If you are feeling unsatisfied then communication needs to open up. However, this is one reason why God calls this sexual immorality. You are not married to this woman therefore you are not “One” with her. She is God’s special child as are you and neither of you have rights to each others bodies until you do make that commitment. Please seek wise counsel and also contemplate quitting the sexual relationship between the two of you until you do take the next step of marriage but make sure this is what God wants for you first. DO not jump into anything based on hormones. God Bless, Megan

  4. Joe says:

    (USA)  I suffer from a sexual addiction and it has ruined my life. I have been masturbating every day for as long as I can remember. I stopped doing it as often when I got to college and met my current (and hopefully forever) wife. I continued to hide my addiction throughout our marriage. In our third year she made a move for professional reasons. I had to stay behind for three months.

    In this time my addiction got worse due to the absence of a “guard”. I became intimate with a close friend in this time. I continued the relationship off and on for the last three years over the internet. I finally broke it off 4 months ago when my wife found some e-mails I had sent her. I however, lied about the relationship and made it sound like there was no sex and it was quite short.

    Two days ago however, I told my wife everything. I did have sex with her. I had this cyber relationship since I had moved down. She left the house and I have not seen her since. I know she is devastated by this and she should be. I am in counseling and getting on medication. I have come completely clean but this does nothing for her hurt. I write this for 2 reasons, 1. for anyone who reads this, please pray for our marriage I love her so much. 2. I want to let any ladies out there that your spouse really does love you. I know you feel like no one can Love me and still do this.

    As horrible as it sounds, you are not on his mind. Our brains need to have that chemical and medicating with masturbation is typically the best way to get it. We do not come to you for sex because we are ashamed of what we “are”. We respect you to much to ask such an animalistic act. The things I was drawn most to when I looked at porn I would never ask my wife to do. We keep these secrets for several reasons. We are of course ashamed of them, but we are sure you will turn and run when you hear of what we are. I know I think the world of my wife, I try to show her every day but what I should have done is tell the truth.

    Most men with this addiction are able to separate our lives. My wife wonders how I could have layed next to her the last three years and know what I had done. I can honestly say I put it right next to the porn, it not a real thing. I am not stupid, it was real. But that is how men with this addiction do it.

    I know I am a failure and most men with this addiction do. We feel worthless. There is no way for me to explain it that does not sound crazy, but I hope that if any of you wonderful women out there read this and it sounds familiar. You spouse is not lying to you. They love you, if you can find a way to forgive them, please do.

    To my wife “A”, I know you will never read this, but I do love you. I am truly sorry, and I am doing everything I can to make this work.

    • Dennis says:

      (USA)  Joe, You haven’t seen your wife in 2 days? Have you at least spoken to her on the phone, and know where she is, and if she is physically ok? Reading what you wrote honestly, and I mean no disrespect when you said she got up, and walked out I thought to myself good for her. If my wife had to move for whatever reason then I’d be packing up, and moving right along with her. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with out her.

      I suppose the next question though is if you know where she is how do you plan to try, and put things right? If you leave things alone for too long your marriage WILL be through if it isn’t already. But IF there is ANY chance to hold your marriage together you need to go to her, and beg her forgiveness. What you did was just plain wrong. The porn was bad enough, but to give what you had told your wife on your wedding day was just hers to another woman…just shows a total lack of manliness, character, and will. A real man would control himself, and remind himself that he belongs to his wife as much as she belongs to him.

      I can’t say that in the entire time I’ve been married to my wife I never looked at porn, but I can say that I never touched another woman. I’ll admit that I’m somewhat addicted to sex, but my addiction lies only with my wife. Porn never really did it for me when I did look at it. Because it wasn’t her, and I was always looking over my shoulder to make sure she didn’t come up behind me, and see. It was only ever because she had chased me out of our bed. I now understand that her abuse when she was little was the cause of this, and we’ve worked through all of that together bringing us closer not only physically, but spiritually as well.

      What you need to do IF “A” gives you another chance is put a “parental control” on your computer, internet, game console if hooked up to the internet, and your DVR blocking anything over T/ PG13 that only she knows. By doing this you’ll know that you can’t just go online, and look it up, or order it on PPV, and more important SHE knows that you can’t as well. T/PG13 because R rated movies often have those kind of scenes even if they are more of a “soft porn” level. You need to swear all of that stuff off.

      However, first you’ve got to win her back. I give you this advice only because I believe in marriage, and not because I think you really deserve another chance with “A”. You really didn’t seem to sound like you’re really sorry talking about living separate lives, and such. Even so here’s what I would do if I had to woo my wife again. As with anything else I always like to develop a plan. So start by writing her a letter. In this letter you’ll need to begin by reminding her of how you guys met, your first date, and your lives before she moved, and then tell her exactly how you let yourself fall into the affair, and when you decided to cut off the cyber relationship you had kept up after you moved, and why. Tell her how much you love her, and how you plan to prevent yourself from falling into the same traps again. Reassure her that you really do love her. Let her know that you’re looking into help through online Christian communities, and that you need her to help you get, and stay on track.

      Then after the letter don’t try to get her to jump straight back into your marriage, she’s going to need some time. Start dating her again, and DO NOT EVEN TRY TO HAVE SEX W/ HER. At the end of the dates, (and there need to be many) walk her to her room (if you only have one room in your place then you need to sleep on the couch for a while) kiss her good night, and then go sleep on the couch (or in another room). She’ll let you know when she’s ready again. Take her out to dinner, and movies, and dancing. Whatever you guys used to do that you enjoyed outside of the bedroom. Sit on the couch, and talk till the sun comes up, dance to some love songs that you used to dance to when you were dating right there in your living room. You need to learn to be her friend, and to let her be your friend. Marriage isn’t just about the sex, though that is a very important part of it. You need to be each other’s friend before you can be effective as spouses. When I say friend I mean best friend like the friend you can tell anything, and everything to.

      I’m fairly certain that if you follow my advice then you should be able to at least be back under the same roof in a month or two. As for the bedroom? Ah well that is something only she’ll be able to tell you in time. Good luck, and may God bless you as you try to reconcile with “A”.

    • Megan says:

      (USA)  Joe, I was touched by your comment. It took a lot for you to admit your wrong doings and on a public forum to boot. While I do not agree with your actions I do think it was a huge step for you to admit the problem, seek counseling and hopefully praying w/ out ceasing. The healing began right when you told her what was going on. I would have been devastated if my husband told me those things and after three years the betrayal would have been overwhelming.

      I do not completely agree with Dennis’ comments to you. I do not think you are any less of a man your character and integrity have been compromised but it made you even more manly by letting this all out. You are man meaning you are a sinner and so are we all. My sin is no different than yours whether I am saying a curse word or doing what you have done. in God’s eyes, it is WRONG!!! Satan is an accuser, liar, manipulator and he is the master of them all. He wants to destroy you, he wants your marriage to crumble. More than asking for your wife’s forgiveness hit your knees and call on God to heal you both and your marriage hopefully and to forgive you and it will be cast as far as East is from the West. Also, call out to him to take this burden from you and to help you with this. He is the only one who can change your heart.

      I pray you and your wife have continued to try and work on things. One day at a time is all you can do. One foot in front of the other. Prayer, and support! God Bless you and “A”. I pray for you both!

    • Colleen from United States says:

      Joe, I am in awe. Reading your statement puts me at ease. Even though my partner has said these things to me, it was (and still is at times) hard to believe. Not understanding how compartmentalized you (men) can make this I think is the hardest part. So many of the things that your wife thought or said to you are the same things that I think. And the things you’ve said “As horrible as it sounds, you are not on his mind” are things my partner has said to me.

      I thought it was me, I thought I wasn’t doing something in the bedroom or I was somehow inadequate or not enough for him. To find this out about him hurts…wind knocked out of me…world spinning…life was over, empty, numbing pain. Its only been a few weeks since my discovery and it’s not easy. I still feel uneasy if he gets stuck at work (our line of work leads to: a) alot of mandated overtime b) not provable mandated overtime) or if I’m at work and he’s at the computer by himself. When his phone goes off at all hours it makes my heart skip beats.

      I’m trying to trust again; I do love him and having you come out and write what you did lets me know it’s not me, it’s not just him. We are not the only couple going through this. THANK YOU. And I hope and pray it works for you and your wife!!!!

  5. Lara K says:

    (USA)  Just after my last birthday in October, my husand of 43 years, out of the blue, confessed that before and duing the entire length of our marriage he has been having oral sex at adult book stores with men. Some years he endulged this addiction only a couple of times a year, but lately he said it was much more frequent… monthly or several times a month.

    At first, I was in shock. I had never had even the slightest hint that he was doing anything like this… so much in shock that I think I told him that I understood and loved him anyway. He said he was confessing to me because he couldn’t bear the shame and the guilt any longer and that he wanted to become a Catholic, as I am. He has entered the RCIA program at our local parish church (RCIA is the process through which a non-catholic enters the Catholic Church) and intends to confess all to the parish priest before his confirmation.

    So far, he seems very sincere (but I’m very easy to fool, obviously) and has been very open to questions and to living his life as “an open book.” He said he was always terrified that if I found him out I would leave him, which he said he couldn’t bear. He wants to stay married and make it through this crisis.

    Since his confession, I have experienced all the anguish and pain that others have so adequately described. But I do count myself fortunate that I didn’t “catch him in the act” or discover compromising evidence because that does lead me to believe that his “conversion” is from the incredible Grace and Mercy of God. That doesn’t lessen the pain, but I am convinced that I can put that pain and suffering to better use that hating him or seeking revenge.

    In our Catholic tradition, I have found great comfort in offering this suffering up, alongside Christ’s suffering, for the salvation of my husband. This offering up adds meaning and it lets me help him carry his burden of addiction.

  6. Renee says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I have been out of the home for 6 months. The reason for our separation, was substance abuse and pornography. He is supposed to be getting help. Instead, he overdosed on Adderall and Crystal Meth on Tuesday, which with the amount of amphetamine in his system, the doctor feels was a 4-5 day binge.

    While at the hospital, I looked through his phone, and found that he has been having sexual encounters with MEN (strangers). I found text messages to his ex girlfriend, telling her he wanted to have sex with her as well, and a message that he had sex with a swinger couple (wife only). The encounters with the men were this weekend, while my 2 year old baby was at his home asleep.

    I am absolutely devasted. I KNOW that we are over FOREVER at this point. What bothers me the most is that he doesn’t even care. He can do all that stuff and not even consider the fact that we are still married. Like the last 6 years was nothing. And then, it’s like, after living with this man for so long, and thinking that I know him, to imagine him doing this stuff is really messing with my head. It’s like he’s a completely different person. After 6 years of lies, neglect, NO intimacy (if there was, I wasn’t able to please him), pills, porn, I already knew it was likely over, even before I found out about the men.

    At this point, we are getting a divorce, but I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to move on from this. I can’t sleep, I feel sick, and alone. I have no family or support around me, just God. And I praise Him for delivering me from an entire life with this man. However, I still hate to think of him with someone else. Woman or man, and I am heart broken that my dreams have been completely destroyed. If anyone can give me some words of encouragement, I would be very grateful.

    • Dennis says:

      (UNITED STATES)  Renee, I suggest that when you go to court you make sure the judge knows what was going on while your son was there, and ask that IF he gets visitation it be supervised by an officer of the court. Usually I’m a hopeless romantic, and believe in marriage, but this “man” is anything but, and apparently completely unremorseful, and if he’s using drugs, and doing all of this even while your son is in his “care” there is NO way that he can be allowed to take care of your son let alone ever reconcile your marriage.

      I hate seeing a marriage fail, but when people start using drugs, and allow themselves to fall into that world there is rarely a way back let alone a quick way back. Only by the grace of God will he ever be able to be free of that world. Unfortunately one day when, or if he finally does he’ll wake up from his drug induced fog, and realize that he’s missed out on his son’s whole childhood.

      You say you have no family. Do you mean near you, or at all? If not at all then surely you have a friend you can talk to.

  7. Darla says:

    (UNITED STATES)  I don’t quite know where to begin. I have been married for 22 years and today my whole world came crashing down. I found out that my husband has been chatting with another woman whom he met on a innapropriate web site. My almost 13 year old daughter found a couple of choice photos on my husband’s computer when he was home for the holidays, and really struggled on whether or not to tell me.

    When she told me, my husband denied it and said she was lying to get attention. The next day I did some research on our cell phone records and found a number that I did not recognize. I called the number and found out that my husband had been having a extramarital phone communication with another woman. This has been going on for about 3 months. We are Christians and raised our 4 children in a Christian home.

    My husband recently got a new job where he is working outside the state for the week and then home on the weekends. I am so devastated right now, I could barely perform my tasks at my job today, and when I got home all I could do is cry and go on line to look for help. I came accross this web site and now I am telling my story. I have no one to talk to about this.

    To hide the shame and embarrasment I cannot talk to my church family about this. I know that the Lord is always listening and always here for us, but I just needed to get this off my chest. I know that the road to healing has just begun. I really need al ot of prayers. I am not sure how we can undergo Christian counseling since my husband does work out of town. Please pray for us, and for God’s healing and restoration for our marriage.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Darla, so, so, sorry about this. How devastating!!! It’s a nightmare no one could ever imagine they would have to deal with. I’m sad for you that you find yourself in this place. I truly hope you are able to get the help you need. Please go to the Links part of this topic and there you will find a number of ministries, which can help you. You can discuss this with other women who have been in your place and other ministries, which deal with this type of situation all the time. They can relate and they can help. I hope so. I pray the Lord comforts you and gives you guidance and strength.

  8. Natalie says:

    (USA)  HELP PLEASE!! My husband is addicted to porn and each time I find it it’s like a fresh knife wound. I can’t leave yet, been dealing with illness after a battle with cancer. There is nothing good in the marriage –he lies about the porn. I just found two videos. The content is most disturbing. I am told it has nothing to do with me but he does not come to me for intimacy.

    I am not ugly but I don’t have the kind of body he is obsessed with and feel sick to my stomach when I see these videos. Is there anyone anywhere that can help me? I have been in therapy, “knowing” my issues does me no good, I do not pray to Jesus and there seems to be a lot of that in answers to women struggling with this. I wish I had enough faith to pray for strength, I have hung in through the dry years –he lies about $$ as well –and now he is making it in the entertainment industry.

    I feel like I’m being tortured; I know I have choices, my spirit is beaten down and tortured again and again. The betrayal is unspeakable. I feel desperately alone.

    • Megan says:

      (USA)  Natalie, My heart aches for you. I saw in your comment that you do not pray to Jesus. More than my prayer for you and your marriage it will be that you someday very soon come to know Jesus and what he has done for. Without Him I am not sure of the best way for your healing. Christ was the best example for us of what true forgivness, mercy, and unconditional love was… if you do not yet know that I hope you find it because without any of that you will remain broken and may become resentful and bitter.

      God loves you through this and whether you believe in him or not he is there. What could be a better time than now to cling to him? Natalie, His strength is enough, yours may not be but I promise you if you rely on him and give your life to him HE IS STRONG ENOUGH to get you through and he is bigger than any of your storms. God bless you and I will pray for you! Megan

  9. Kasey says:

    (USA)  I’ve been reading these posts. I’m crying so hard I can hardly breathe. I’m going through this right now. It’s fresh, I just found out this Halloween. I’m hurt more than I ever thought I could be. I too had trust issues & my husband knew this. My husband repeatedly lied to my face that he’d never hurt me. He loved me & only me. Even made me feel guilty for doubting his fidelity at times. He would accuse me of cheating. My therapists are calling it projection.

    I’m so angry!!! I literally just do not know what to do. My 2 year old is in my bed consoling me, how unfair! I thought this was going to be the family I’ve always dreamed about. I feel cheated. I’m so out of my mind I can barely write this post. The stories I’ve read pretty much say it all. I wish I could find a person in real life that I could talk to about this. Until then, I will try to find comfort here.

  10. Angela says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  Hi there, it is time for me to begin my healing, and it is hard. Like somebody already said, the pictures run through me, and my heart is ripped out every time I discover something new. I finally want to send him an email telling him how I feel. I would rather do that before getting married and it gets worse.

    I love David very much but the other part of him leading this double life is killing all I feel for him. For I feel as though I am second best, that he is only with me because the dating sites cannot give him a partner in his house, and because of his addiction no one else wanted him.

    I guess they saw through him, but now I am sitting with the pain. I do not think he truly understands how it makes me feel. How does one carry on or just get them to open up about it? I am terrified.

  11. Bitsy says:

    (USA)  Hey everyone. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have been in a marriage with my sex-addict husband for three years now and he works incredibly hard on recovery. He is very committed to our marriage and in all other ways a very good husband. I have been in therapy, worked a lot on my co-dependence that has allowed be to get into this situation in the first place.

    I am now facing a question that I need input on. In my own work, I have come to terms with how very important sex is to me. For a long time, in my co-dependence, I pushed my own sexuality aside and focused on what my husband was able to share with me that felt healthy. I am now realizing that I am just not satisfied sexually. I want passion, I want to feel alive sexually, I want to be able to really let go. The problem is that when we start to get really passionate, he goes to another part of his brain and checks out. He flips into addict brain, and objectifies me and I wind up stopping sex or feeling gross afterwards. If I pause in the middle and catch it, we can work through to a good experience. We can have satisfying sex, good enough sex, but not that really amazing experience that I crave.

    Can anyone else relate to what I am talking about? Have any women out there gone through this stage in repair of their relationship and come to a point where they really feel met sexually and are getting THEIR needs met fully? So often as women we can put our real needs aside for others, and I am starting to realize that this is what I have been doing for years. I’m really struggling with the vows I made to my husband and the vows I have for myself. Please, any constructive feedback is greatly appreciated.

    • Brooke says:

      (NZ) Yes Bitsy, can you believe for the first almost 4 yrs I never truly experienced an orgasm with my husband? He is addicted to porn and other disgusting sexual sites and never knew I was faking orgasms. He was my first lover (and still is the only one) but until I pointed it out he never had a clue. And now 17 yrs later he seems to struggle sometimes, and I think for him it’s a physical act.

      I think as women, because we tie our emotions into the sexual part of our marriage, we still feel tuned into our emotions and all the thoughts that sometimes run through our minds can prevent a good and satisfying sexual experience. We have to work very hard together and some times are more rewarding than others. If you are both working together pray before you get intimate, as God has already blessed the intimacy of love making.

  12. Jacki says:

    (USA)  Can anyone share their impact letter to a sex addict husband?

  13. Mary says:

    (USA)  I’ve been feeling so alone lately until I read all these stories and what everyone has gone through. They are all so similar to mine. I feel like my family are getting so sick of my stories and my anger since it’s been years (over 10 years) that my husband has been an addict. To them it’s just something small and minor, that all men do it. But I know the difference. I don’t know where to begin to even trust him again. I don’t know if our relationship will work anymore, but we have two young kids, a 2 and an 8 year old.

    I totally feel the “blackout”. It’s as if someone turned the lights off and I’m struggling to find anything familar. No one seems to understand it. But it is true, this is probably why I have remain so close to God. I’ve gone to church my entire life but never really learned to love God until I discovered my husbands addiction. It was then that I realized that people can really lie and pretend.

  14. Moni says:

    (U.S.)  These stories actually are helping me. I am a born again christian. My husband and I were missionaries for a long time, and this is when his lying and cheating happened. He confessed of sleeping with prostitutes in the country we were missionaries. We have been back in the US for a year now trying to repair our marriage and family. My kids know nothing of what’s happening…they just think it’s time to move on. He has said he is sorry and trying to do right. But just two weeks ago found he withdrew $100 and calling a “massage parlour”. I’m trying to forgive, but just don’t want to be stupid and think life can get better from here. Any thoughts??

  15. Confused says:

    (USA)  Of course whoever was cheated on has a right to be upset and angry. The offender should feel ashamed and embarrassed. Past that the rest of the jargon as in “my husband must endure my pain as I endured his addiction” or “now I just wonder what he is doing and get angry about petty things” Perhaps, although tragic, sex addiction exposes the selfish nature in both spouses. In many ways, if you felt you had a perfect marriage and that your husband was flawless, in essence you fooled yourself into believing you were entitled to a flawless husband or a perfect marriage right out of the box. My point is marriage is hard, and unfaithfullness may not be something it was meant to endure. If staying in the marriage is just a chance for you to be cruel or take revenge your not getting closer to God or doing your sick spouse any favors. Leave your spouse, let him or her get some help so they may move on and you move on as well. In the future remember no man or woman is perfect. You must seek out your partners needs, not ignore warning signs and address issues before they become to much to bear.

    Anyone who tries to survive a marriage invaded by sexual addiction, good luck and you will need a miracle. Anyone who leaves it remember it was not your fault, but also its not about you all the time and that this marriage is something you can put down and even learn from.

    Good luck

    • Pj from United States says:

      First of all, let me say how very sorry I am that this has happened to you. Men do not realize in a woman’s mind it’s as if they have had affairs with hundreds of women. I have been married 44 years, and from day one knew something was not right in our marriage. Last year I found out by accident that my husband had tried to rape a family member, also my very own sister! Then there’s sex texting that I found on his phone. Now he has confirmed that he has had a very bad addiction to hard core porn and masturbation since the day we were married.

      I’ve been having to forgive him more times than I care to admit. I feel sooooooo dumb and stupid. Oh yeah, there were other things going on too. Now at the age of 61, here I am. I have made an appointment with a lawyer for next week and yes, I will be filing for divorce. At my age I just want to live the rest of my live in peace and joy. God has been so very close to me during this process. May God show you the right path.

  16. Samuel says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  Please pray with me and for me because it is getting worse that now I’m leaving my home and now going outside. I do not want my home to be broken by this. My relationship with the Lord is affected. I am dying on my own.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      We’re praying Samuel that God will reveal Truth to your wife and will bring you both closer to Him and to each other than you ever have been before. May God give you wisdom in dealing with this hideous issue in your marriage. Truly, everyone becomes a victim, until this matter is dealt with properly. May it be so. Help them, Lord Jesus!

  17. Elizabeth says:

    (USA)  I was just reading Caroline’s initial comment to this article, though it seems it was written on December 3, 2008. It is now the end of April 2012. I haven’t read all the other 80 replies & comments, but that initial comment reflects the emotions I’m going through.

    On January 2nd, my husband revealed to me several things about a double life that he’s been living for the past the majority of our 8-year relationship (almost 4 of which we have been married). This means he’s been hiding things from me for nearly the entire relationship. He has been viewing pornography both online and through magazines, and going to live peep shows for 4 years, paying women to strip and do other things.

    I am shocked, even four months after the news he dropped on me. I hate going to sleep because every time I wake up, when I reach consciousness, it’s another shock that this is my reality now, and that the reality I thought I had for so many years wasn’t actually my reality at all. Every moment of every day is filled with shock, trauma, devastation. I feel a knot in my stomach and a terrible ache in my heart that never goes away. I can’t trust anybody or anything anymore at all.

    I just don’t even know what to say at this point. I have gone to some 12-step meetings for spouses of sex addicts, and I continue to go periodically, but I don’t really want to because I don’t want to be in this situation at all. I am trying to find some way to feel like things are normal, but I can’t. What is God doing?

    • Shane says:

      (USA)  I understand completely and I too wake up in shock every night… often I can’t sleep at all. You are not alone… there are many women out there like us- good, loving and faithful women. We did not cause this and we certainly do not deserve this fate.

      The one thing I have learned is that this is a serious addiction and it usually starts with pornography and masturbation, but escalates to a sordid and hideous lifestyle that is costly in every possible sense of the word.

      Other men and a 12 step program can help. Bless you in your journey.

  18. Shane says:

    (USA)  I just saw the first post and this is my story, as well. I have been with my husband almost nineteen years and I never knew he had a secret second life. I thought we were very close. We have raised three kids together, but I learned only recently (the long, slow, painful way) that he is on hundreds of chat room sites and has had sex with between 80 and 100 other women.

    I know this sounds unbelievable but it’s true. The most recent situation involved a highly paid prostitute with whom he thought he fell in love and to whom he wrote hundreds of “love letters.” I started to learn of the betrayal in late January but the whole long, sad story didn’t emerge until a few weeks ago. I am still in shock.

    My husband has joined a few Men’s Groups for Sex Addicts and is working on a 12-step program. For the moment I am going to try to stay together but only because he recently took a lie detector test so I know he has been “sober” for two months.

    I would never have believed that a woman could stay with a man after learning what I have learned, but it’s all so horrific that I cannot consider his behavior anything less than a full-blown addiction. I hope to honor my vow to stand by him “in sickness and in health” but I can only do so if he is able to remain sober.

  19. Karen says:

    (USA) Dear Precious Ladies, I can so identify with all your heartache and pain. On Jan 9th, 2009 my world came crashing down around me. My husband and I had been married for 26 years and I thought he was the most loving and faithful man a wife could ever hope for. Oh, I couldn’t have been more wrong! We had a professional disclosure with our therapist, which later came to find out he had lied to me and to our therapist. He had willingly omitted some of the truth so I got what we call “The Dribble” effect over the next 3 years.

    At first he confessed to being addicted to porn and masturbation which was devastating in itself. But when it all finally came out this is what I had to face: My husband had sex with 18 prostitutes at massage parlors, visited 5 lingerie parlors, 6 strip clubs where he went to the VIP room and even got one of the strippers phone numbers and tried to call her. He had an affair with a co-worker whom I knew, and the worst confession was a double betrayal as he confessed having an affair for over a year with my best friend.

    Its been 3 1/2 years and I have been blessed to have attended some groups for spouses of sex addicts that are Christian based. I was on 2 tele-conferences on A Woman’s Healing Journey with Marsha Means, and Avenue with Brenda Stoeker. Both were such a blessing to my healing. I have been in therapy individual and marriage.

    I must now say that my husband has been pure since Jan. 22nd 2009. He has been totally transformed from the inside out as he accepted Christ. He has been completely committed to his recovery and meetings. He is totally repentant and remorseful for the sinful way he lived and treated me for so long. He is very sensitive to my healing and he goes to any length to be the man/husband Christ has called him to be.

    I wish I could say that makes the pain and images go away but it doesn’t. I still have good and bad days –days where I feel peaceful and content and days where I am so hurt and angry I want to hit him. Some times I think that the extent of all he has done is so much and the damage is too much for me to ever get over. I can’t wrap my head around all the heartbreaking things he has done. This journey is definitely hard. I was taught early on not to believe his words but to believe his actions and the actions my husband has displayed these past 3 years have all been of a man with a changed heart and a desire to do whatever it takes to stay pure 1st for God then for his wife.

    Please pray for me that I will be able to get rid of the resentments, bitterness, anger and unforgivness that is holding me captive and that I will extend to him love, mercy and grace. Blessings to you all, Karen

  20. BarbaraR says:

    (AUSTRALIA) Here is a article called “Sexual abuse in marriage – What should a Christian wife do?” http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/2012/06/11/sexual-abuse-in-marriage-what-should-a-christian-wife-do/

  21. Brooke says:

    (NZ) Reading your stories was such an eye-opener and at the same time very heart-wrenching. I have been married for 17 yrs and have 3 children. My husband and I met and dated for 4 yrs before we were married. I had no sexual experience before I met him, even though I knew he had, it never bothered me. I always suspected that something was amiss–but you know, you never can put your finger on it. I found out by default because he had so much guilt that he wanted to get help and talk about it to me. He admitted that he visited nudist beaches and camps when he was away on business and he was addicted to pornography which always leads to masturbation. When he was telling me all of this, I remember excusing myself to go to the bathroom (I was 7 months pregnant at the time) and in those few precious seconds I would shout out to God to help me not to fall apart in front of him. I wanted to be strong so that he could admit what I had suspected that something was off.

    I thought there was something wrong with me acting suspicious and feeling like something was going on in the spiritual realm (and it was the fight between good and evil). The fact that he got the nudist camp people to try to get me and our 5 yr old daughter to join? That is when I knew that this was a cry for help and how bad it was. So we contacted the pastor and he began to pray and intercede for him. That was 9 yrs ago after recommiting his life to the Lord–he back slid and he is on numerous sites and chat rooms. I hate feeling this way, and you know what upsets me most? At night when I am interceding for him to come back to God and up with all this stuff running through my mind and coming up against these demonic attacks, he sleeps like a baby. I have noticed though he drinks more and has a ugliness in his face that I used to love so much. He looks destitute sometimes and it breaks my heart, he doesn’t want anything to do with God or the church. He called me a plague the other day–to be truthful, I’m not sure where to from here. I have not lost my faith in God and I know I have to talk to my husband again and I am not at all confident I want to hear what has really been going on. When he first admitted to having a problem 9 yrs before, he said he was with prostitutes and other women. I’m 40 now and I’m thinking what about me?

  22. Trish says:

    (USA) Me too. I was married to him for 29 years before finding out he is a sex addict. Other women have had sex with him in MY bed, and he’s had sex with the woman of the household at various times over the years when we’ve been guests in someone else’s house. I wanted to keep the marriage together and work it out, he didn’t. It’s been 3 years since I lived with him, 1.5 years since we’ve been divorced.

    For us, I see it was the only way as I can pick him out on every dating website -profiles are all full of lies. And he has another woman who lives with him (moved her in the day after I moved out) in his life who believes he is faithful. He has no desire to change and honestly, I think this behavior is the only way he feels anything at all. Its become very obvious he doesn’t have the ability to bond with anyone. The marriage wasn’t repairable and I know the same thing will happen to anyone he has a relationship with.

    I have forgiven him and do feel compassion as I believe there are many demons he struggles with on a daily basis. I fully expect that it’s taking more and more to satisfy his sexual needs and that one day he’ll be on the front page of the paper and probably in jail. He’s a well admired professional but that’s not going to last. He’s on a downward spiral and doesn’t want help, he just wants to keep feeding his addiction. Thoughts and prayers with you all. There is no easy way out of this mess.

  23. Brittany says:

    (US) My fiancé has just came clean about his addiction to porn and has been pretending to be other people to get other pictures of women… He’s made different profiles, would go on in chat rooms, text people pretending to be someone else, etc. He loves me so much but he hates himself and feels so much guilt that at times he tries to get me to leave because he feels he does not deserve me after everything he’s done. We had such a great relationship before all of this but we seem to fight so much more and there are just so many hurt feelings. I feel like I’m falling apart.

    The other day he texted me while he was at work and told me “I’m horrible… I messed up today, it just took over me” he had looked at porn again. We had just gotten into this and got in a big fight the day before. I was so hurt I told him that if he didn’t find a way to stop this he would lose me. He called me and we were yelling back and forth and I was crying and crying. He felt that I didn’t trust him when he said he’d get it under control and stop. He felt he couldn’t talk to me and I was jumping down his thoat and expecting an overnight fix. He told me don’t count on him coming to me again. It was very hard, I lost it and told him how I felt, how this was affecting me and that I was scared.

    When he got home we talked. I told him I was very sorry for jumping on him like that and he just held me and told me it was okay because in the end it is still his fault. We were much better and the last couple of days have been great. But I worry that if he doesn’t get help then he will not over come this. But he also does not sound willing to go to counseling. I’m so scared for us! We get married in only 9 months :( Is there hope that he will be able to stop on his own with my support? He promises me he will not let this ruin us and that he will stop, that he’s doing his best and it’s just going to take some time.

    • Irene says:

      (USA) Brittany, if he is sincere about stopping, you should suggest http://saa-recovery.org/ There are numerous meetings, at least two meetings everyday. They are telephone meetings so he can call in and be completely anonymous. There is incredible help there if he is serious. I would also suggest an addiction counselor, if he will go. But there is no reason, if he is serious, for him not to do the SAA call-in meetings. They have helped my husband SO much. Blessings!

  24. HurtandBetrayed says:

    (USA) I don’t know where to start in sharing my story. I love my husband so much but I feel like our world is falling apart. I met my husband at 17 and he was and still is the sweetest man and we have been inseparable for over 20 years (married for 16 yrs). I always knew that he had a wandering eye, but it really seemed that that was the extent of it. He has always had fairly low self-esteem and has been up-front about the fact that he enjoys looking at attractive women. However, he always has reassured me that he finds me beautiful and attractive and loves me more than ever.

    5 years ago I made the discovery that he had a profile on an online dating site and had been engaging in cybersex, sexting, etc. I confronted him and we began going to marriage counseling and everything seemed to improve. However, less than a year later I discovered that he was still on the online site and had made plans to meet a specific woman in person. He swore that this was the first time he’d ever even spoken to one of the people he met online and that in his heart he knew he wouldn’t go through with it. I was devastated, but after much debate I decided to stay in the marriage and keep trying. We have 2 beautiful children and he is a wonderful father and I hate the idea of putting my children through a divorce.

    Last week, I discovered unusual cell phone charges and a large amount of conversation between my husband and a number I didn’t recognize, particularly on one evening when he couldn’t really account for his whereabouts. I confronted him and he confessed that he had met another woman online and was trying to meet with her. The meeting did not take place, but this was the first time he admitted that he fully had intended to have sex with her. He has always maintained that he loves me and has no emotion for this other person and no intention to leave our marriage but I am crushed.

    His ideal marriage would be an open one where both of us are free to sleep with others and the thought makes me ill. I believe in my marriage vows and I will not violate them. I don’t know what to do. My children are begging us to stay together and I love them more than anything. And strangely enough, my husband and I do love one another. What do I do? I’m praying and praying and just so confused.

  25. Rashawd says:

    (UNITED STATES) As a married man, I noticed that the sexual activity started to taper from what we had to a new more abbreviated version. I wanted to have an experience, not perform a function. I think that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I have looked at pornography in the past because she says that my advances put pressure on her. Please feel free to comment any way you wish, crude or not. I seek truth, not sugar coating.

  26. Anna says:

    (USA) Approximately one month ago, I learned that my husband of 25 years had been carrying on a secret life for two years. Telling me he was attending photography classes twice per week in the evening, he instead attended BDSM “classes” and photos sessions of naked women. During the BDSM classes, he was “partnered” with a women I learned he had an affair with for 11 months–that is, until I discovered the affair through his text messaging. I learned that he had been having sex with me the same week as we celebrated our 25th anniversary.

    I am sexually naive, perhaps, but I did not recognize the BDSM symbol he placed on his smart phone screen, and he began to wear as a pendant around his neck. These were signs, I learned, of the BDSM community.

    Even as he claims to want to work on repairing our marriage, he still identifies himself as having “discovered” a part of his “true sexuality” in the BDSM community.

    I cannot accept this. I cannot accept the role of this BDSM community and what it stand for in our marriage. I am certain it has led my husband down a path away from me, our marriage, and God.

    Does anyone on this forum have helpful opinions, info, or advice on the effect of BDSM communities on marriages? Please help.

  27. rachel says:

    (UNITED STATES) Wow, this porn epidemic is worse than the plague!

  28. Limbo from Australia says:

    Thank goodness I came across this blog! Thank you all so much for sharing your stories -you are all brave, courageous and strong people, and most of all you have found your faith…

    3 years ago I met this really great guy under extremely difficult circumstances (I was his witness in a homicide investigation of his)… I fell for him and thought he had for me too and we became quite close rather quickly (faster than I thought as due to the murder I had lost all my friends and my family and I got very withdrawn).

    6 months after we met I found him on an online adult dating site (the sex dating site, not relationship -my friend had set me up on it when it was just a normal dating site and I finally figured out how to get off it but before I did I just had a look and found him -men seeking everything). I am no prude but I was devastated. But because I’m pretty open minded, I decided to be upfront and honest with him -what I could and couldn’t handle. He wasn’t ready to talk but when the case was over we agreed to sit down if we were both single and talk things through.

    Cutting a long story short, the case caused a lot and I mean a lot of problems for me personally and professionally so he didn’t get to see the real me that much… and the case ended badly with the coroner throwing my evidence out of court and allowing 2 killers to walk free. Everybody who works with him and others on the case commented that they had never seen him like how he was with me -personally and professionally. I was devastated about the case and the outcome as there were parts of it that I was set up deliberately to get an outcome someone else wanted.

    He asked me out for dinner in front of his boss -so I thought yes, he does like me and does want to pursue this. That was a couple of months ago and I had to appeal the case to the coroner -that finding was sent to me on Friday. Anyhow, 3 weeks ago I gave up on anything with him and I -and I tried to say goodbye. I found out I had cervical cancer and I was scared the coroner would take forever and I wouldn’t see him again. He thought it was because he hadn’t organized drinks or dinner or said happy birthday to me and it wasn’t that -and everything I said came out wrong. He had given up that website for about 2 months before this and after that happened he has been on that site constantly.

    This has devastated me. I haven’t had much happiness in my life. I have been single for 19 yrs and in that time every time I liked a guy he always went for my friends or other girls. I always was okay being on my own -I always handed it over to God to take care of. But when I met him, it was the first time I really cared and wanted it to work out and I prayed to God every day for things to work out.

    He was abused as a child (he doesn’t know I know I found out accidentally) and he knows all of my past history of abuse. I honestly believed when I found this out, God was telling me why he was the way he is. So I have prayed and prayed and prayed to God to help him with his sex addiction. When I told him I found him on the sex dating site, he did tell me that I was the only person in his life that knew about it -knew him professionally, personally and his secret life -and if it ever got out he would be fired. I would never betray his trust like that.

    I get so angry and frustrated with God. I know I shouldn’t but every day I see him give miracles to everyone around me and this is the one time I have asked God for help. I’ve always had unquestionable faith in him but this time I need some happiness. I have never asked God of anything for me -only for others… until him. I pray to God every day many times every day to help him overcome his sex and alcohol addiction. I’m sad because God doesn’t ever seem to answer me with this… and I know that God can’t make him do anything, but I also know God grants miracles. I have seen it so many times with so many people. I know evil/satan can make a very strong hold in someone’s lives but I also know God can help people overcome…

    I do love this man -and I will continue to pray. Even my mum has started to pray for him to overcome these addictions. I know that he is the only one that can change his life, but I do hope God opens his heart, eyes, soul, emotions etc so that he does want to overcome these addictions and we can find our way back to each other. I’d also like to ask if you could please pray for him too – just call him manfriend lol God will know exactly who you are talking about.

    There have been so many times I’ve wanted to give up praying to God about him, but talking to my mum tonight she said if that if I really do love him then not to give up praying to God for a miracle. I tried to see either a priest, reverend or pastor today as I have been a complete mess as to why I have gone through so much to be so sad still… and to try and find some answers in this -and I think my mum finally gave me it tonight. God will only be able to heal him if there are underlying issues and problems -not because he’s enjoying a lifestyle but if there are underlying issues to why he is like this -so I let go and let God do his work -and maybe it wont happen immediately, or even in the next few months -but God can give miracles. It’s up to use to follow it up and not give up on God even if sometimes we feel God has given up on us. I also got sent here -to find this blog/forum God sent me here to show me that with his grace, love and mercy it can be overcome. It is hard work, I totally get that – and I’m prepared for the long haul -and maybe just maybe he will be given a miracle and me too. Thank you for letting me share. xxoo

  29. Mo from South Africa says:

    (South Africa) Hi, I’d like to know…. my step dad is an addict to porn, chat rooms and cyber sex. Unfortunately my mom and him are married inside community and my mom is so afraid of losing her business etc. What are her rights? Can he claim from the business and her money? She is so broken and he keeps making promises and just never stops doing this. My little brother even accidentally saw some of this horrific porn pictures which other woman sent him. What to do???

  30. Rachel from United States says:

    My husband and I will have been married for 3 years this April. He had disclosed this to me while we were dating but did nothing about it until I threatened to leave. He has had a pornography addiction since he was 13 and is now 27. He is working with our pastor to try and sort things out, and states that soon he and I’ll sit down to discuss it (where I’ll ask questions and we’ll set some rules for him). I read what you wrote about you asking things you didn’t like the answer to. I’m curious what those questions were. All through our marriage my mind would run wild with what I thought he was doing. I know that he never physically cheated on me, but I am curious as to whether or not he participated in sex chat rooms or online video sex. The thought of him visually or verbally being intimate with someone makes my stomach turn. I was planning on asking him this question, but maybe some counsel from you would be wise?

  31. Jess from Australia says:

    I have just joined. I’m the wife of a man in a very dark, sleazy place. If he could just admit.

  32. Don from United States says:

    Suddenly my wife is into masturbating when she never used to! It has my head spinning to why all of a sudden?

  33. Mrs from United States says:

    Married 29 years… the last few I noted a wall going up and my husbands drinking became horrible… then I found the tex, which led me to the prostitute, which led to my meeting her, paying her, and getting info that they met 5-6 yrs prior when he picked her up…

    Many ugly crying so and phone smashing number changing …moments later confession half-hearted… and counseling began. Now I’m in high level or paying attention and I know he masterbates and I think he does it in his truck on his way to work. I tape recorded his vehicle… and after committing to each other blah freaking blah I caught a random pick up 3 months later…and on our wedding anniversary. Ok, that’s a sign he has a freakin problem… denied, denied, denied… then finally admitted… same crap. It meant nothing; I got nothing from it… really.

    SELFISH is the word that comes to mind whether it been a problem since teen years what ever. I have dedicated to what is now a SECOND chance… and I keep getting the vibe we have this masterbation problem. I have to tread lightly… since I really think it’s emotional… he had a horrible childhood… NO excuse MEN!! This leaves a wife feeling like the roses palm means more than she does. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t any friends I would tell to save me the embarrassment and him as well… how do I get help to live thru this? I feel so freakin broken… and this has closed and broke down the walls. We hug daily, kiss more, hold hands, text call etc… spend every moment together, other than work, and the drinking problem diminished when he came clean.

    Do I turn the other cheek about the self masterbation as long as he isn’t seeing hookers? I should be ok, right? I don’t know… I’m a strong strong person and it still hurts so much I toy between giving up and loving him so much… Anyone else out there living this. Ugh tamer??

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