Marriage Missions International

When the Wife Has the Affair

(Please note: The wife is mentioned in this article as having the affair, but yes, we do realize that there are many times when the husband is the unfaithful one. If this is true for you, please change the pronouns.)

Photo by David Castillo Dominici, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Photo by David Castillo Dominici, courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A husband and wife sit in our office beside each other on the sofa. She is pregnant with the other man’s child. “I don’t love my husband,” she tells us and part of me cringes.

How much does this betrayed husband have to endure? I wonder. He loves his wife, but is devastated because she’s been unfaithful. Not only that, but she’s pregnant with another man’s child, and now he must hear the words, “I don’t love you.” Yet, there he sits, man of honor, willing to take responsibility for ways he may have failed her in the marriage, willing to work on himself, willing to work towards reconciliation.

I understand the wife FEELS she doesn’t love her husband, and I know pushing her to stay in her marriage is not the answer. She cannot be forced to love. Love must always be a choice.

In another situation, I am working with a betrayed husband. It has taken him months to reach out for help and support. He’s a 6’6” handsome bodybuilder with a successful career. He tells me he’s not normally one to talk much, nor to show emotion, and really not too aware of his emotions.

Yet he explains to me how the pain of his wife’s affair has overwhelmed him and caused him to feel emotions so intense he didn’t know he was capable of feeling these things. At times he tells me he’s found himself huddled on the floor in the fetal position, feeling nearly unable to bear the emotional pain.

It’s hard. Normally high-functioning, moral, good people finding themselves feeling, doing, and considering things they once never thought they would or could.

When the wife has had the affair it is often more difficult to get her to give up her affair and to be willing to put effort into the marriage. She has already checked out.

A husband may have the ability to have feelings for more than one woman, whereas a woman tends to give her devotion to only one man, so when she has come to the point of engaging in an affair, she has generally withdrawn her affection from her husband and given it to the other man. When a husband cheats, generally his love has remained steadfast for his wife, even while he’s given part of himself to another. When the wife cheats she is more likely to have entertained thoughts of leaving her marriage for her affair partner.

The cheating wife has often gone to her husband, pre-affair, time and again wanting to “talk” about their relationship, to tell him how she’s hurting, to ask for what she needs, but for whatever reasons she has not been able to get through to him, so she has given up trying and shut down.

She feels she’s given him chance after chance and now “that’s it!” After the affair, she’s more reluctant to give him a chance to win her heart back. Wives in general tend to be more “relationally tuned in,” and aware of a disconnect within the marriage, so more likely to make effort to read books, go to counseling or marriage retreats, or even engage their spouse in a “let’s fix our marriage” conversation prior to the time she’s gotten sucked into an affair.

If a man has been unhappy in the relationship, he is less likely to be direct in asking for help. He is not likely to say, “Honey, we need to talk about our relationship.” He is fearful of being vulnerable in this way.

Some of the factors we find common when the wife has been unfaithful include:

•   She didn’t feel heard in the marriage.


•   She didn’t feel understood.


•   She felt the heart connection was missing.


•   She lost herself in the marriage giving too much, and losing a sense of her own identity.

•   Her husband was an absentee father.

•   She felt a disparity in fairness in roles in the relationship.

And if she’s a woman of faith, she may have felt frustrated that her husband wasn’t taking on the role of spiritual leader in the home. She’s tired of trying to be the “good” person in the relationship, and she’s been carrying the responsibility for too many things for too long.

Today’s wives are under more stress than ever, because they generally work full-time outside the home and still carry the responsibility for most of the work in maintaining home and children. Plus women do not carry stress in the same way men do. Studies have shown that they feel twice as much stress at work given the same job/stressors as a man.

When a man comes home he generally has the ability to relax. This is how he de-stresses from the day. A woman on the other hand comes home to a second job and her stress now multiplies four times. Her Cortisol level (the stress hormone) shoots through the roof. Even if her husband says “here relax, I’ll take care of the kids, make dinner and do those extra loads of laundry,” she’ll only relax for a couple of minutes, then think of more things that need to get done and get up and start doing. The wife cannot relax until the work is done. Today’s women are generally experiencing far too much stress.

Wives are more likely to struggle with “greener grass syndrome.” “If only my husband would learn 
how to ___________ like so and so’s husband.”

The unfaithful wife often is not honest because she wants to hide the fact that she doesn’t want to get rid of the other relationship.

When a spouse cheats our society tends to assume there were problems in the marriage, which led to the affair. While marriages with problems are certainly more susceptible to affairs, problems in marriages are not the only reasons for affairs. AFFAIRS HAPPEN IN GOOD, STRONG MARRIAGES TOO.

When a wife cheats it is more likely that the husband has failed her in the marriage in some way, than when the husband cheats. When the husband cheats it is more likely nothing to do with his wife, or satisfaction in his marriage.

When a man is the betrayed spouse he is more likely to be concerned with counting the number of times the wife had sex in the affair. He wonders, “How good was the other man in bed?”

When the woman is the betrayed spouse she is likely to be more concerned with thoughts of “you must have loved her if …”

When the wife cheats she is more likely to have had a strong emotional connection to the other man. It’s less likely that her affair was only for sex.

When a husband cheats, while many times there is a strong emotional connection, there are also many times when the unfaithfulness was only about sex.

When a wife cheats she often gives sex to gain the emotional connection that is satisfying her.

When a husband cheats he is more likely to give the emotional connection to gain the sex he wants with this person.

When the wife cheats she suffers a greater social stigma and rejection. Her girlfriends are not likely to admire or support her in anyway (unless they’re desperate housewives protégés.)

When the husband cheats some of the men in his circle of influence may look up to him and envy him a bit, even if it’s never said, and he knows this. In some circles the man’s unfaithfulness is basically accepted. This is not likely for the woman, so she suffers with a greater sense of quiet desperation.

There is tremendous hope for couples where the wife has been unfaithful, because the betrayed husband is serious about becoming the man he needs to be for his wife, and the changes he makes stick, so now more than ever the wife can have the husband she always wanted with the man she married. The illusion that things will be better with the affair partner is exactly that, an illusion. In real life the other man comes with his own set of character flaws, and the loving courtship behaviors that are present in the secret relationship, don’t continue if the affair becomes a marriage.

What can a betrayed husband do who wants to win his wife’s heart?

1. Really love your wife. Read The Heart of the 5 Love Languages written by Dr Gary Chapman. Speak all of these languages for your wife, and find out what her primary languages are and do more of those. A woman longs to be pursued and cherished.

2. Refrain from being vindictive. Don’t throw stones. She’ll just continue to see you as a “jerk,” something she’s likely been struggling with while caught up in the affair (and possibly before.)

3. Be consistent. Learn how to fight fair.

But it’s not fair you say. Yes, I know. There is nothing fair in affair.

Suggestions for the wife who has had an affair:

1. Recognize that generally your affair partner is not better than the one you’re with.

2. Create reassurance for your husband, and give him lots of encouragement.

3. Reach out for support for yourself from sound, safe sources. This journey is way too hard. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you can do it alone.

Conclusion: What became of the couples referred to in the opening?

The wife in the first scenario committed to putting her whole heart into the work we would guide her through for a 3-month period of time. If she felt like leaving after this we agreed she could, but she was not to entertain the thought of divorce during that time. By 3 months they had moved significantly forward, her feelings of love for her husband were returning, and they decided to continue the work. They purchased a coaching package for one year, and attended 3 of our seminars. By the time her baby was born, they had fallen in love again, and were well on their way to healing. The husband adopted the child as his own and they have a wonderful family and life together today.

The husband in the second scenario moved forward quickly once he reached out for help. His wife had already ended her affair and was fully committed to doing whatever it took to heal the marriage. They attended a Healing From Affairs Intensive after 4 months of coaching.

When they came to the Healing Intensive seminar it was a last ditch effort for them. The husband just didn’t see how he could continue to live with the pain he’d been feeling. The weekend became their turn around point. They set aside weekly time after that to work through all the materials we provided them with. Then they took their marriage to a whole new level at the Love & Passion weekend five months later. Today, they are stronger than ever, and helping others in their marriages.

These are just two brief examples of many, many couples we’ve helped. If they can do it so can you. Don’t delay reaching out for help. Don’t go through this pain any longer than you absolutely have to. Nothing can do more for your wealth, health, children, career success and overall happiness than not only healing your marriage, but also making it a passionate one. We know the way. We’ll show you how. We guarantee it. What is getting from miserable to happy worth to you?

Anne and Brian Bercht, who are both affair recovery specialists, wrote this article. Together they have appeared on television programs throughout North America. They are authors of the book, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me,” a Canadian Bestseller. Anne is the Director of the International Beyond Affairs Network. They have both a Canadian and a U.S. office. You can visit their web site at www.beyondaffairs.comFor information about confidential coaching with Brian or Anne click here.

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Comments

91 Responses to “When the Wife Has the Affair”
  1. Hardino from United States says:

    Interesting findings, however the notion that women that have the affair get to blame the husbands failures is very disturbing. If a man cheats. He has himself to blame. If the woman cheats, he is to blame also???? No I don’t agree with this at all. Both man and woman need to take responsibility for ones own action. If you are on the verge of cheating, get a divorce first. Show some respect to the other and yourself. Don’t start blaming the other for YOUR actions.

    • Tony from United States says:

      But it’s not just the cheating spouse, it’s a societal and even “church” view. Look at the writings of Ken Nair. In “Discovering the Mind of a Woman” he claims that if a wife leaves, it’s because of something her husband did to drive her away.

      I cite Chapter 6 of Ken Nair’s book where he claims wives are merely responders to what the husband does. He cites numerous anecdotes about how various wives respond to their husbands. He makes the claim that people respond to Christ and if we were only Christlike, people would respond.

      Except that isn’t the complete truth. Some will respond, I would agree with that. What Ken Nair and others leave out is not everyone will respond to Christ. Even when he walked the Earth, many rejected him. Few followed him with any real conviction.

      So, if folks were unable to respond in a lasting and consistent fashion when Christ walked the Earth, how realistic is it for any Christian leader, teacher or pastor to expect that all you need to do to address an unfaithful wife is to be more Christlike?

      It sounds nice. It’s a simple solution. The problem is, it’s not Biblical. Not saying one should not be Christlike, they should. But that’s not just husbands, that’s wives too. Where are these leaders, teachers and pastors when it comes to the wives not being Christlike? After all, how Christlike is it to leave and or betray your husband?

      I finally cite the example of my former pastor. When I went to him about my now ex-wife’s affair, his first question was right out of the Ken Nair playbook, “What did you do to force her to have an affair?”

      These are real examples of teachings that blame the husband when his wife leaves and/or has an affair. I would suggest that instead of cheating or divorcing, if you’re on the verge of having an affair, you need to find out why you are unable to honor your vows. What spiritual or character defect makes it “ok” for you to hurt another in order to satisfy your personal desires.

      • Nathaniel from United States says:

        I agree with this that cheating of any kind of either gender is not Christ Jesus like, that there should be brutal honesty between the two. This is not date rape, or Bill Cosby style relationship. Christ Jesus does not recommend that Adultery be a time for reconciliation. After all we vowed to forsake all others, before God and a company of witnesses. So not only is this betrayal against God, but also against all the people that eyewitness the matrimony (Holy) matrimony.

        It’s like Judas kissing Jesus, and then selling out on Him after a superficial kiss. You leave a person emotionally scared, temporarily or for a longer period of time. All because one or the other is playing, and was never possibly fully committed. Producing an illegitimate child, either partner is ruthless, wrong, dirty, and criminally insane, compared to Godly character needed in a marriage.

  2. Curious from United States says:

    This appears to be yet another vehicle to simply say, women are better then men and they never would have cheated if men weren’t x/y/z. I agree with Hardino. Cheating is an act of cruelty and abuse. Period. To classify it as a symptom or as somehow blaming a victim just cheapens the healing and makes it harder for the betrayed spouse to work through the issue. No one accepts domestic abuse as the victims fault. No one accepts rape or pedophelia as the victims fault. Why should this attack on a faithful spouse be accepted?

    In the article you state affairs happen in good strong marriages. As the unfortunate recipient of the sour dish of infidelity myself, I have to ask what is the actual basis for the opinion that I failed her, and thus, she was left with cheating as her only option. This assumes the person I married was, A) All in on the marriage, B) loved me completely to begin with, C) Honest, D) incapable of such an act, but forced into the act by my actions or lack thereof, and E) unable to put their hand up and deny temptation.

    A woman is not an innocent doe wandering the forest helplessly getting taken by any animal that puts out pheromones. She does have a choice. And that choice is clearly to act in a responsible way or not. I’m baffled at how a man who is home every night, doesn’t party, is attentive to his kids, serves his community, was with his wife in every way every chance he had, and communicated constantly, didn’t hold grudges, and made his home life and family his priority is somehow at fault for his wife going off and sleeping around. That makes NO sense.

    And frankly, I’m more than offended that you somehow think I or any other man just sat around watching his marriage die and didn’t care, didn’t do enough, didn’t do the hard work, didn’t try, didn’t communicate. I didn’t cheat. She did. When will people in this country finally decide that the person who commits the violent act is actually responsible for that violent act. There’s nothing biblical that says, after you go off and cheat you get to blame your faithful husband. That’s just ludicrous.

  3. Michael from Indonesia says:

    Hello, I am in the 8th month of suffering having discovered my wife had a very brief affair. They only had sex once and she said she didn’t enjoy it but probably wanted to try it to see how it felt… had she asked me how it felt, I could have told her how unpleasant it can be… A form of self hatred perhaps.

    I am not dealing with it very well, but I have a feeling that a majority of my darkness is caused by the fact that I didn’t cause “him” any bodily harm and defend my honour when I had the chance… Have tried like crazy to forgive her but the sadness returns almost every evening.

    I continue to rake her over the coals and have the feeling that perhaps I never really loved her anyway… but my pride has been hurt and the girl I thought was perfect, broke my heart. I am a very successful 51 old who sadly ignored his wife and kids to the point of breaking. So now, all I want to do is hurt her back for causing such pain in my life, which was pretty awesome, until this happened. Help.

  4. C from United States says:

    I had several affairs over a 3 year period -after having been faithful to my husband for 20 years before that. I repented and did everything within my power to reconcile with my husband. He refused and eventually (8 years later) remarried. I stood for our marriage and remained celibate (and still am today) during those 8 years while praying for reconciliation, but it didn’t happen.

    According to God’s word, am I now free to remarry since he refused to reconcile (even though I was unfaithful)?

    • Cindy Wright from United States says:

      Dear C, Here is a posting we have on this web site, quoting many scriptures on divorce and remarrying: http://marriagemissions.com/scriptures-on-divorce/. It’s just straight scripture, without additional commentary. I can’t (and no one else should) tell you what to do on this matter. Please read the scriptures and really concertedly pray, asking God for wisdom on what you should do.

      Asking others for their opinion on your being able to remarry is involving human beings in a matter, which should just involve you and the Lord. People’s opinions shouldn’t matter on something as spiritually important as this… this is between you and God. Other people will just muddy up the waters on matters, such as this, giving their “feelings” on the matter, which could be skewed. Ask God, trying to keep your partiality out of it, to show you what you should do. Trust Him to let you know, as you seek Him.

  5. Tom K from United States says:

    I need help. My wife and I have been together for 5 years. We’ve been married for the past 1.5 years. I caught her lying to me and she had an affair. She didn’t know that I figured out her plans, and I was drastically hurt. I thought by me leaving it would get her attention, but what it did instead was causing her to believe I wasn’t truly committed anyway, and it justified her actions.

    Now she says she wants a divorce because she didn’t want to be married anyway. She has cut off all communication with me (even though I try). I DO NOT want a divorce, and I have told her that. I told her that I forgive her and now have dropped the blame game from being an issue.

    How do I get her to want to communicate with me, and then get her to want to reconcile our marriage? We have no children together, and no commonalities to keep us together other then a marriage certificate. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

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