Marriage Missions International

WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN: Prevention As Well As Recovery

Why DO affairs happen? And how do you recover from something so devastating once you find out that your spouse has cheated on you in this way?

Those are a couple of questions we’d like to address in this article, praying that the resources we send you to will help you in the ways you need it.

“As many as 65 percent of men and 55 percent of women will have an extramarital affair by the time they are forty, according to the Journal of Psychology and Christianity. A Christianity Today survey found that 23 percent of the 300 pastors who responded admitted to sexually inappropriate behavior with someone other than their wives while in the ministry.”

That’s a beginning quote from an article written by Cindy Crosby, in the Summer 2001 edition of Marriage Partnership Magazine, which is now enveloped into the ministry of Todayschristianwoman.com.

We’re going to take you directly to their web site. Please note that they have a few other shorter articles, which are worth reading, at the end of this one.

To read this article:

WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN: Prevention and Recovery

-ALSO-

The ministry of Family Life Today put together a series of radio broadcasts where the host Dennis Rainey interviewed Dave Carder, author of the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair —which they named this radio series. Dennis describes the series this way:

“This series is for three groups of people:

  • The first group are those who are satisfied in their marriage. They’re not being tempted to have an affair. This is a great series for you to listen to just to keep the home fires burning and to be encouraged and to also watch for the danger signs in your own life.
  • “Secondly, this is a series for those who are being tempted.
  • “The third group are those who are trapped, they’re ensnared, and they need hope and they need healing. We’re going to provide that hope and healing because this is really the purpose of this book —to guide someone out of the trap and to help bring them back to full reconciliation and restoration in the marriage relationship. “
To read the transcripts for these broadcasts (we wish we could lead you to the actual broadcasts, but this is the best we can do), please click onto (they’re well worth reading through):
• WHY DO AFFAIRS HAPPEN? -Day 1 of 5
• WHAT CAUSES AFFAIRS -Day 2 of 5
• WHERE DO AFFAIRS START? -Day 3 of 5
• HOW DO I COME CLEAN? -Day 4 of 5
• HOW DO I REBUILD TRUST? -Day 5 of 5

If you have something you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

39 Responses to “WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN: Prevention As Well As Recovery”
  1. Rutendo says:

    (ZIMBABWE) I want to know how infidelity starts.

    • Marge says:

      (UNITED STATES OF AMERICA) My husband cheated on me just this past August 2011. It started out supposedly with “it’s just a friend, I went to school with.” ON FACEBOOK, ever since my husband and I got cell phones with internet access he’s been unfaithful! He has 47 women on his friend’s list. Well, after his forth time with this woman, he called me up and said “Honey, I love you please forgive me.”

      Well, I took him back. Its been very hard. I still hurt. Plus, I just found out Tuesday he’s addicted to pornography! Wonderful. So, I just want to let couples know, if you’re planning to cheat, better think about it long and hard first. Think of the consequences first! P.S. I still hurt.

      • Larry says:

        (UNITED STATES) I am new to this discussion and have read 4 of the 5 transcript links and revert back to link 1 so the link on rebuilding trust is not available.

        My marital history before Christ… birth parents divorces… stayed with birth mother… was physically, sexually (by male and female persons), and mentally abused as a child. I became sexually addicted at the age of 9. There were no counselors no conversations. I was simply told to deal with it… work past it… master it. I was also sexually active via masturbation between 9-20 when I had my 1st episode of fornication. I had multiple partners, both heterosexual and homosexual encounters.

        I had an annulled marriage, then had a marriage of conscience (she became pregnant) and we tried the marriage thing. After our 1st child, my wife and I had affairs. We “stayed together” for the sake of the children.” (2nd was born.) After she had several more affairs, I began another affair and we ended up having my 3rd child and at the time the child was born (from the affair) we were divorced. This affair/relationship ended.

        Due to the agony caused by seeing the pain in my children, I then contemplated suicide. At the point of suicide, Christ enter into my life! However; many of the demons of anger, rage and lusts stayed around far too long… for none taught about deliverance …only about salvation. I was living in fornication with my present wife at this time. We decided to “do the right thing and get married.” My wife was also abused as a child, terrible 1st marriage 4 children and was raising 2. Her 1st child was the result of an affair with a man she did not know was married. Her second child was raised by his birth father (she could not rescue him) and when we met she and I raised child 3 & 4 from 11 & 12 to adulthood.

        I received counseling for anger issues. We became active is a smaller congregation, grew and answered the call to full time missionary work. We never received premarital counseling and when issues “popped-up” it was 1 or 2 sessions and back in the saddle again.

        One of our greatest challenges was proper boundaries. Where does the cord of motherhood stop and marriage becomes greater? Our priorities due to this have been out of balance. Now we have 7 grandchildren; 2 of which we have raised most of their 8 & 9 years and have re-appeared into our lives far too frequently. (I don’t begrudge our grands, I love them incredibly …again the boundaries have become confused and as such our marriage has been at a constant strain.)

        I’ve written all of this history to lay the foundation. Early in our marriage, my wife had an affair which she concealed from me for nearly 10 years. I forgave and we pressed on. Last year, the unexpected happened. I started a Class 1 affair that became a class 3 affair for 30 days. After I revealed this to my wife we entered into counseling for 6 weeks. She is still being counseled locally and I have several counselor’s locally and online. However, she remains angry, hurt and bitter nearly every 2-3 days 1st thing in the morning and she asks painful comparative questions which only adds injury to the wounds.

        Looking back at why we were married, convenience would have to be the number 1 reason. Sure love grew where it was watered. And my wife tells me she had no idea that our marriage was in trouble even though I was at the end of my rope and simple tired of all of the battles. I allowed my ministry to become my mistress 1st… then it was easy for my flesh and the enemy to come into alignment and set me up for a fall. I have since risen. And I understand that there are no situations too hard for God. The questions I have are as follows:

        1. I never read in the Bible where Jesus separated forgiveness from healing and restoration. Our ministry partners overseas have told me that it has been confessed, forgiven and restoration is now. Yet in our American society or culture, we have somehow disjointed forgiveness from wholeness.

        2. We say forgiveness does not mean forgetting and that is the opposite of what we are taught from the Bible. Why? What is the scriptural basis for this argument?

        3. My wife is really struggling with forgiveness and the re-establishment of trust. What does the Bible teach on this? Forgiveness is compete and trust is also re-established. (Remember the betrayal of Peter?) Any Answers?

  2. Avi says:

    (INDIA)  Dear friends, I’d like to tell you my story. I’m male, 40, and married and I have my friend. She is also married. We both are in love, we for each other. If she has a fever, I also get fever. If she hurts, at the same time I get hurt. One day she broke her hand, the next day I broke my hand… we just remember each other and we come know.

    We have never had sex and we do not even wish to have sex. We both cry for each other like kids. We share all our feelings with each other… Please tell us what we need to do friend’s?

    We have known each other since the last 5 years. She is in her family and I’m with my family. We will hold each other hands till the end of our life. What are we to do? Avi

    • Pavrone says:

      (USA) Please seek the truth of the real God. His word says you must be married and he hates adultery so you cannot leave your spouses for each other and have God’s blessing. Please seek His TRUTH via His Word. Love and prayers.

  3. Amsha says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  Break off all ties with this woman; she is not your wife & neither are you her husband. Both of you need to pray and fast for healing of your marriages. God will heal you both.

  4. Laura says:

    (ZIMBABWE) My fiance and I are due to be married in December. Unfortunately, it recently came up that he was ‘dating’ some other girl. He has begged me for forgiveness and assured me that he wants to marry me and it was all a moment of weakness etc. I have found it in my heart to be forgiving.

    Unfortunately, the parents of this girl banished their daughter. In my culture if your parents find out that you are sleeping with a man they can send you to him as his wife. He does not want her as his wife. She is currently staying at his uncle’s house.

    I don’t know what to do. If I enter into marriage I want to do it without all this baggage. But some people are telling me this is the testing of the strength of our relationship. On the other hand, maybe this is the end of my relationship. I don’t know. Please help.

    • Suzi says:

      (USA)  Hi Laura, I totally agree with Lo. Also, I’ve been married for 15 years to a wonderful man. Even in the BEST of circumstances, marriage is hard work. Although it may be painful (right now) not to go through with the marriage, I think that as time passes, you will see that it was the right decision Count it as a blessing that your fiance’s true character has been revealed. It’s so much better that you know now than in 10 years after you have children and an established life together. The choices then will be so much harder.

  5. Lo says:

    (USA)  Hi Laura, I think this problem has come at the right time for you, before marriage. You are lucky to have the real situation laid bare before you. I believe you are a Christian and I would like to be honest with you. I know about huge marriage problems that may lie ahead of you and wouldn’t want you to make decisions that will hurt you for life. As you can see on this site, many married people are suffering from the negligence, infidelity and selfishness of their spouses. Having a problem like this before marriage is not a good sign.

    PaChishona if someone is living at a boyfriend’s relative it’s like eloping and the boyfriend is gradually expected to accept her as his wife. You may not see it now but this woman may stay in his life as his “wife” even though they are not legally married. If she is pregnant or has a child by him, she will stay in the picture for good and that will give you a lot of headaches.

    I think you have to be honest with your boyfriend right now. I know things can be very romantic before marriage with him apologizing and making promises he can’t keep. If the other girl is not pregnant or has a child, he has to make a choice now and let her go back to her family before your marriage.

    Believe me, he may not be living with her but the fact that she is staying with his uncle, makes her a perfect member of the family. According to the extended family, you are the intruder because the rest of the family knows and accepts this girl in their houses. Ask your boyfriend, on what basis? So if you are to marry, she has to be completely out of the picture. Otherwise, you will be marrying somebody’s husband.

    Other things to think about:
    1. How long is this “weakness” of his going to continue?
    2. Consider how important sexual purity is in Christian culture and the importance some men put on the virginity of their brides. So what kind of man sleeps with a girl and just leaves her because she was a “mistake” and doesn’t care what happens to her afterwards? Especially in a culture where having sex before marriage is more disadvantageous to girls.
    3.Think about all the rejection this other girl is facing from both her parents and this supposedly “loving” boyfriend.
    4. Maybe you need more time to really discover other things you may not know

    To sum up everything, no other thing is as powerful as prayer. Please dedicate yourself to prayer and God’s word and the real truth behind this whole picture will come out before you make any big decisions. Trust God everything you do.

  6. Anonymous says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  We’ve been married for eight years. Between 2005 and 2009 I have discovered that my husband cheated me with 6 girls. I have attempted to divorce him in most cases but couldn’t go through with my intentions. We are still together and have 3 kids. The youngest is 5 months.

    When I was 7 months pregnant he decided to work in another town and only comes back on weekends. This has put a strain on me and the family. He still maintains that he wants the marriage to work and always opposes my divorce decision. On the other hand my in-laws are also giving me a hard time and he has never been supportive when it comes to in-laws issues. He’s instead very protective of them. I don’t know if things will ever work out or if I’ll just give up on the marriage. I’ve been praying, hoping to get answers but don’t have the courage to leave him.

    • Anonymous says:

      (SOUTH AFRICA)  I posted this letter last year and still praying for answers. Nothing has changed and I don’t see any direction. Please reply. Maybe I’ll see a different angle. Please help me with prayers for my family. We’ve been married for eight years. Between 2005 and 2009 I have discovered that my husband cheated me with 6 girls. I have attempted to divorce him in most cases but couldn’t go through with my intentions. We are still together and have 3 kids. The youngest is 5 months.

      When I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, he decided to work in another town and only comes back on weekends. This has put a strain on me and the family. He still maintains that he wants the marriage to work and always opposes my divorce decision. On the other hand my in-laws are also giving me a hard time and he has never been supportive when it comes to in-laws issues. He’s instead very protective of them. I don’t know if things will ever work out or if I should just give up on the marriage. I’ve been praying, hoping to get answers but don’t have the courage to leave him.

      • Kaybee says:

        (FIJI)  Dear Anonymous(SA), I’m just wondering what happened as it is now October and I am in a simlar situation. I can relate to how you attempt to divorce him, as I also feel that will take away the hurt and to not go through the pain as I am fearful that it will happen again. But somehow, God always intervenes, and I know how hard it is for you with three kids (I have one), and you need to think of them.

        I will keep you in my prayers, and I pray that you will learn to forgive him from your heart and let God heal your marriage and change him. It’s been 2 weeks now since the discovery of the affairs (about 4), and the thought of divorce pops up every now and then, but I feel it’s not God’s will and that I should forgive and work on my marriage, in whatever way the Holy Spirit prompts me to.

        And on the in-laws issue, he will break out of it once God starts working on him. Just let God and let go of divorce issues and watch how God will heal your marriage. Have faith my sister.

  7. Lindy says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  My husband started messing around behind my back and finally stopped hiding his affair by just up and leaving me. He left home. He spent the holidays in the arms of his lover, told me he no longer loves me or wants me. I was crushed! I prayed to God to help me and restore our marriage. Now four months after he has left me, he is living at his parents house (although both late), the affair ended as quickly as it started. I have learned she was also cheating on him and he took it hard (after finding her with two different men). He’s stoped going to work from shame that a few people know what he’s been up to and this morning his cousin calls me to let me know he’s had a full mental break down-he’s in a mental institute getting help. He’s also had blood tests done and it seems he might have been infected. I told him time and time again, out there is no good, the grass looks greener on the other side-but never is…. and yet he thought he was a lot smarter. He is an emotional mess, he’s reasoning he’s up there with the birds, he does not know himself let alone what he wants.

    Do you think God answered my prayers? with his mental breakdown? or by showing me what a mess of a husband I had? Or is this life teaching him a lesson? Should I even want to be with someone who might be HIV infected? Why don’t people just remain on the right path of life instead of doing wrong and ending up living in hell? His family wants me to step in. How do I help him when I am still dealing with what he’s put me and our boys through? I was humiliated. A part of me says he deserves it, but then God says forgive him.

    • Michael says:

      (NIGERIA)  I have been reading different articles on this site and chose to reply here. First of all, I am planning to get married this year but the entire comments on this site got me scared. I don’t have any experience in marriage but have a lot of experience praying and could comment on that.

      As Christians, when we pray for somebody, we must recognize that we are not praying for the elements but for another free spirited person and the way God answers our prayers differ in both situation. To pray for your unfaithful spouse should be more of intercession rather than request – and this is the hardest part of praying.

      Secondly, it is important for a Christian to ask for God’s view on the subject of the prayer. It is like “I want to see this condition like you are, Lord.” God could then show you that your spouse is either under a spell, or is possessed or just in a effect, of a previous cause.

      Thirdly, we must recognize God’s way of changing people. It is like praying for a sinner.

      Four, we must keep on with faith. Don’t ever waver in faith if you truly prayed. I have prayed for a dear friend (girl) who was going out with a guy I was very sure was gonna dump her. They were having sex. I prayed night and day for her and she was never changing. I cried and blamed God for not answering my prayer until I heard him clearly say to me – “She (he called her name) is saved”.

      Five, as Christians in the midst of all these turbulence, never cease to give thanks and receive the peace the Holy Spirit freely gives.

      For everyone here having marital problem, I ask God for strength to hold on, wisdom to make the right direction, peace and joy to live while the storm last and victory to restore every broken condition. Amen.

  8. DEOTI says:

    (NIGERIA)  How do you forgive a husband who refuses to admit he has done anything wrong??? How do we fight a culture that okays the act of husbands cheating on their wives??? I feel so much pain, anger and distrust… It has reached a point that I don’t know what else to do!!! The sad bit is how do I forgive when the infidel has refused to admit his guilt?

    • Cathy says:

      (NIGERIA)  This is my exact same situation. I think ill of him constantly and can’t seem to overcome the sorrow, depression and bitterness if I stay married to him.

  9. AGBO says:

    (NIGERIA)  I’ve been married for 5 yrs and when I was pregnant my husband started cheating on me. In the country I am from, infidelity is almost legal for men. Guys cheat and everyone sees it as a man’s thing, so no big deal. When I found out about it, I was devastated. He kept begging for forgiveness and it was really hard. Then the lady called to let him know she was pregnant. It almost killed me.

    But I want to say here that marriage is for life. I knew i was crazily in love with him and nothing whatsoever would’ve ever made me leave him. So after a lot of praying, 7 months after I was able to forgive him cos he did everything to show how sorry he was, he introduced this site to me and I started reading more about marriage. It even started affecting his job.

    This whole incident change my husband completely. He became a dedicated Christian and now he dedicates all his time serving God and trying to make things right. I want every lady to look on the positive side and believe that with God on your side, your marriage, no matter the challenge, can work.

    Its been 3 yrs since the incident and I’ve come to believe that God allowed that ladies pregnancy cos he wanted to change him for good. I am so happy in my marriage now that I just keep thanking God for making me forgive and move on. Note that the lady had the baby and my husband pays for the child’s upkeep.)

    He still has not forgiven himself; I am now the one helping him to get over it. It hurts to live with this fact but because of his Christian faith I too became a born again Christian so it helped me to become a better person in Christ. Sometimes when a man falls he rises up a better person. I urge all those in same situation to forgive and trust in God. He will surely erase your hurt and make things right. DELETE THE WORD DIVORCE FROM YOUR PERSONAL DICTIONARY.

  10. Amanda says:

    (SA)  After 6 years of marriage I discovered my husband was having an affair. He is a pastor. It literaly crushed me. It took me more than 3 yrs just to be able to accept the fact that I was cheated on and live with it. But 2 yrs after after I thought I was ok, I began to feel a need to flirt harmlessly with other men. I did this on the internet for 2 years.

    Unfortunately I became attached to 1 particular guy. He is everything you can ask for in a man, caring loving and all. My husband is moody, belittling and downright careless about my feelings. This guy is many miles away, so there is no sex involved just a lot of emails, messages and phone calls. I read that this is wrong as it is emotional cheating.

    Recently my husband saw some emails and was devastated. So I cut off all contact with the guy I cheat with and assured my husband I will never do this again. I’m always making sure he knows where I am and what I am doing. I also make sure he has access to my phone so he can monitor the calls I receive.

    Its been 6 months!!!! Recently my husband went to another country for work. We kept in touch and he told me he misses me. He wrote wonderful messages to me. I missed him too. Everything was ok till he came back. Then he just went blank on me again. I asked him what was wrong and he kept saying nothing. But I could sense the anger. Then he finally told me it’s because of messages on my phone. We had to go through the phone together and it was HIS messages he sent while he was away.

    I’m not cheating anymore. But my husband is throwing moods at me, silent treatments, accusations and all. I can’t stand it. I’m missing the internet guy so much. It’s unbearable. Could I be with the wrong man? Could it be that I’m with the wrong partner? He says he loves me but he sure doesn’t act like it. Sometimes I find myself hoping he (my husband) wasn’t in my life. I love the Lord so much. I don’t want to do anything to offend my God. What should I do???

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Amanda, I’m so sorry your husband did what he did in cheating on you as he did. It was wrong and he should have known better. He should have gone the extra mile in trying to win your trust once again and in taking care of you, his bride, just as Christ cares for His bride. I know your heart was broken and still is hurting over this matter. My heart goes out to you.

      I have to say that I can understand why your heart was vulnerable to this man on the internet. You experienced a void and this man filled it. But you opened your heart to someone you had no business allowing into it. And now that the door is open, it makes it all the more difficult to close it permanently, especially when your husband acts in unloving ways toward you. It will be natural to keep comparing the two “partners.” When things go in a bad direction in your marriage, you will gravitate toward this man, who has this polished image. I say “polished image” because anyone can appear to be almost perfect when he or she doesn’t have to deal with you in real ways as life hits you. I could type up the most romantic and interesting things on my computer to someone and be as “real” as I can be, in that type of petri dish setting. Life and human dynamics doesn’t bump into us the same way when we’re interacting on a computer as opposed to living with them day in and day out under strained circumstances. I’m sure the woman who had the affair with your husband thought wonderful things of him for a period of time until real life erased those imaginations.

      But whatever it is –no matter what this man is, as opposed to your husband, you HAVE to throw out your images of this man. These images are standing between you and your husband and God. God did not create us to cheat — whether it’s in the physical world or the world of fantasy on a computer. You will have to be tenacious in persevering in this fight. Just as you throw out spam and junk mail, you will need to delete and get rid of the junk as soon as it comes in or it will destroy your marriage and your mind and your relationship with Christ. This man is not real. He’s a bunch of emails that were typed up, directed at you and cannot reflect all that the person behind it can be, because he’s never been subjected to dealing with real life — just a virtual one. And even if he was… he’s not yours to entertain or spend time with. You are married. The emails are images, your marriage license is real. You made real promises to live in a real world of love with your husband.

      “For better or worse”… you made vows. You need to invest your energies in loving your Lord and asking Him to show you how to invest in your marriage. THAT shows love… not words of SAYING you love the Lord, but doing that which is opposite which really proves what is in your heart.

      Your husband shouldn’t be acting as he is. But please don’t focus on his wrong actions. Focus instead on the ones that God can show you to do to be the bride that he has ordained you become. Also, you are not in this world alone. Don’t forget this. You are “surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses” — heavenly ones as well as human ones. Ask God to show you how to be a wife who is faithful — one who is a godly example to others around you, rather than investing your energy into questioning whether you’re “with the wrong partner.” You married the partner you did, not another. Live faithfully, being a promise-keeper, being a Titus 2 woman who teaches “younger women to love their husband and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husband so that no one will malign the word of God.”

      I hope you will Amanda. I pray for strength for you so you will. My heart goes out to you because you have a very, very difficult battle ahead of you with immediate “wars” to wage, overtaking your “imaginations” and throwing down anything “that comes up against the word of God.” But I encourage you to look to the Lord to help you and trust that you will do what is right. May the Lord be your strength and your hope and embrace you with His love as you live for Him beyond what you have done in your recent past. God loves you, and as your sister in Christ, so do I. I’m praying for you.

  11. Tony says:

    (USA)  Affairs happen because those involved in the affair have poor boundaries. It’s just that simple. It has nothing to do with the behavior of the betrayed spouse. Affairs are totally and 100% the poor boundaries of the wayward spouse.

  12. Pert says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  My husband has been treating me badly and that includes not coming back home sometimes without me, knowing where he has gone to. The one time he did that and I went home, when I came back on the Sunday I found him having sex with another woman. For days I was shattered. I have decided to forgive him because this is what Christ wants for us and he will heal us if we stick together.

    At the moment I stay with my parents but we will be going for counselling so that he can get his deliverance and break the bond between him and the other lady. Nothing is impossible with God and I believe we will pull us through.

  13. Anna says:

    (UGANDA)  I have been married for 5 yrs but during the first year of our marriage I found out that my husband was sleeping with someone else. I was devasted but I had no proof to pin him, so he denied it. Unfortunately, I lost my first baby and the second one during these times, but even through the pain I was feeling he never stopped. Luckily, God has blessed me with two live babies. When he got to know that I had all the proof that he was being unfaithful, he finally apologized.

    But within two months, he was back to his habits. What I did was to ingnore him and concetrated on my babies. Currently, he behaves as though he has changed but I have lost all trust in him. I try as much as I can to love him, to be intimate with him, but sometimes I fail. Please help me.

    Will I ever be able to love and trust my husband ever again? I have tried my best to be faithfull to him even though sometimes emotionally, I am not.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      (USA) Dear Anna, Bless your heart! How incredibly sad that your husband values you, your children, and your marriage so little that he goes off and cheats on you as he is. I grieve with you. You ask if you will ever be able to trust your husband again. The painful truth is that quite frankly, probably not. He has not shown himself worthy of trust. You cannot lie to, cheat on, and dishonor your marital vows and wife, as he has, and expect to be trusted again. Only a fool trusts a continual cheater, and you are not a fool. He is acting like one. So, so sorry.

      Whatever you do, I GREATLY urge you to protect yourself from the STD’s — particularly AIDS, which he may bring home to you with all of his infidelity. Every person he has sex with, exposes you to whatever conditions they may be carrying. And if they cheat with a married man, it wouldn’t be too naive to think that they’re also having sex with other men (ones who may be cheating, as well). Not only are you putting your life at risk, but also your children’s lives. They could lose their mother — the one loving, stabilizing parent they have. If you die, what would happen to them?

      Anna, I don’t want to discourage you… I just want to help you look at facts. Your husband has and is breaking covenant with you. He cheated, lied, cheated some more, got caught, promised to stop, and then turned around and started lying and cheating again. This is not trustworthy behavior and is not behavior in which you should continually expose yourself. Your heart is not a toy to be played with — used when it meets his needs and then tossed to the side so he can play with another, whenever it suits his fancy. God created you for better than that, and your children, for better than –than to watch that type of wrong-doing paraded in front of them. What does this teach them about marriage, on both sides? Doesn’t it teach them that the man can make promises, but get away with it and the wife is to take whatever he decides to deal out? Somehow, they need integrity modeled for them.

      First, guard your heart. DON’T… no matter what is happening with your husband, don’t ever allow your heart to go down the path and visit the imagination of cheating emotionally or physically with any other man. Your husband is wrong in what he is doing, but so will you be if you cheat (even if you are married to a cheater). Do not add your wrong behavior onto his wrong behavior –that doesn’t make anything right –just MORE wrong. At least ONE of you needs to be a person of integrity.

      Second, demand more from your husband than you’re getting. Don’t allow him to keep victimizing you by his cheating. I’m not saying to be mean-spirited about this. But do not allow him to treat your home as a motel –one that he can sleep in when convenient, but he sleeps elsewhere when he wants. Demand and expect faithfulness. The Bible says that those who are meek, are blessed. Meekness is defined as strength under control. Pray, ask God for wisdom on the right words and the right timing to talk to your husband about this, and make a point of seriously talking to him about cheating. Pray and decide ahead of time what you expect from him –write it out if it helps. Lay it out, in talking to him as honestly and meekly (I didn’t say “weakly”), as you can with the strength the Lord can give you.

      What comes to mind is giving him an ultimatum. Either he quits cheating and giving you reason to think he’s cheating (by going places without you, and/or with “friends” or family that perpetuates his opportunity to cheat, etc…), or he has to leave your bedroom (most likely even your home). And I certainly wouldn’t have sexual intercourse or oral sex or such any more until he goes through testing for STD’s –particularly AIDS, and proves you that he is clean. No matter how much he pleads and accuses you of “not trusting” him –looking incensed, when he tries to say you have “no reason.” His past history has proven that you have reason not to trust him and his recent activities are so suspect that you HAVE to trust your instincts on this one (because he hasn’t given you reason to think otherwise), or you may live or die to regret it.

      This may mean the end of your marriage. And that would indeed be sad on so many levels. But his infidelity shows he has chosen to break covenant with you –he has broken the vows he made PROMISING marital faithfulness. If he can’t vow to change and show it by his behavior now and in the future, he needs to make the next choice to leave totally. It’s your right to make sure this happens. This is not your choice –you’re choosing faithfulness. It’s his choice, when he cheats. That’s tough love and it’s necessary to keep your family in tact and your home a peaceful one. Please don’t continue to ignore his unfaithful behavior.

      And even if he “vows” that he isn’t doing anything wrong, but you know in your heart that he is (even if you don’t have FULL proof, but enough to know it in your spirit), he has shown that his promises can be broken. Because of his past behavior, it is not asking too much for him to go the extra mile in proving everyday that he is faithful. (We have articles and quotes on this web site addressing the one who has been unfaithful, detailing what he or she should do to make reconciliation possible.) Eventually, after a long, long, long time, you may not have to be as persistent in watching him. You will always have to watch in some way, just because of his past behavior, but eventually you won’t have to be as vigilant.

      I’m so sorry to give this advice. I wish I didn’t. And truly, you need to pray about it. I’m not all-knowing, only God is. But as I pray about it, this is what comes to mind. Your husband, by his unfaithful behavior is putting your life and the lives of your children at risk, physically and emotionally. This should not be so. If he wants to live the single life, then he needs to at least be decent enough to release your heart and your life from being subjected to this devastating behavior. No one deserves to be, or should be victimized like this. I pray the Lord helps you and brings peace and faithfulness into your home.

  14. Rising_Phoenix75 says:

    (CANADA)  PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME! I want to run-hide-disappear. When I look at my reflection in the mirror– I see pain, agony and a broken heart. Sadness too deep that I feel as if I am on the other side looking in – I want to stop the pain or make it leave me and go away -but I can’t let it go! I didn’t choose this… I chose love… I don’t think that someone intentionally set themselves up for pain and misery. Will he choose me? No I will not let him -and he will not choose me! It’s given -I know the answer to my question -should I wait around when I already know the end result of my hearts affair? My heart doesn’t lie to me -it hurts to wait around. It’s too much to bare!

    I need to be honest with myself. There are times that my feeling are unbearable! There are days that I can’t go on any further. The pain in gnawing my spirit and my soul. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t think about it as giving up – I see it as looking after ME -myself. If I could leave him today – or now – would I???

    Honestly, “NO.” Everyday there is no certainty -so, I’m preparing myself for the inevitable! I won’t lie to myself -his life belongs to her and not with ME! Reality bites -I AM THE UNKNOWN -I will keep to my everyday routine and keep on keeping on with my everyday life. It’s what makes and keeps me sane. I’m in love with a man that’s already in a relationship. For the longest time I felt sorry for my own mother and pitied her situation. I’m repeating my father’s mistake –now I pity myself.

    I hope when she looks into his eyes she sees him completely. I hope she sees him that his in pain that she will want to take it away and make it better and rekindle what was lost and forgotten. I hope she can make him happy again –the way they used to be. He is truly a good man and I know in my heart that she knows this and she should be grateful everyday.

    Some days I am grateful just to have known this man and felt this experience; and some days I’m struck with great sadness –like a gorge etched in my heart. Remember, LOVE is a gift, not obligation or privilege. I will hold my head up high, take the biggest deep breath and thank God for my life experience.

    In the end I know I will pay a price so great. It’s better to have loved and have known what love means and feel for the first time –at a wrong time with a man that’s already in a relationship, than feel nothing at all.

  15. Nomys says:

    (SOUTH AFRICA)  I have been married to my husband for 5 years (since 2006) after dating for 13 years since high school. After marriage I discovered affairs from his side but I would just let them slide after the confrontations and each time I would work harder to improve our marriage hoping he would stop and become more faithful.

    In 2009 I discovered he was having another affair and this time I was really devastated because it happened while we were at our happiest moments. I confronted him and he couldn’t deny it and he apologised and promised it would never happen again, only to later discover that he lied about this girl’s identity and they are still in touch. To top it all, I discovered text messages he was sending to her. I was hurt to see my husband declaring so much love to someone else while he called it a fling to me. This really took a strain on me because the girl was from around the block, I felt humiliated.

    Four months down the line I discovered he was having an affair with someone I thought was just a harmless friend and colleague to him, although I was somehow uncomfortable with their friendship, while i was still battling to recover my trust from the previous affair. I discovered emails where he was showing a lot of emotional attachment to this lady. He was at first defensive about this affair, claiming that they are only friends and she is very helpful to him. I then discovered the emails. I felt very unprotected and valueless to him and I am still battling to fill that void.

    My husband is a great man, humble and loving but the incidents are hindering me from 100 percent trust in him and it always raises issues in our marriage. I asked him that we go for counselling but he refused and I am not finding closure in this. Instead it seems to be messing up everything because I don’t trust him anymore. I constantly find myself checking him up, his cell phone and emails to see if he is still doing anything because he did it before while we were very happy like we are now. This upsets him, he doesn’t understand why I am doing this. I just cant help it. I always pray about it and it goes away for a little while but it is always there coz it always comes back no matter how much I try to forget it.

    Now I am scared that I might be pushing him away by constantly checking on him and raising issues about whatever I find in his phone. I love my husband and I feel that these issues are just a drop in the ocean of what we have together, yet it feels so heavy. I do not picture my life without him. Please reply and help me pray for my marriage.

  16. Chiba says:

    (ZAMBIA)  Infidelity is real and Christians are not immune from it. I met a man I fell in love with in my late teens and we got married in my early 20s. We were together for seven years before we were separated about 4 years ago now. We has a child in the 2nd year of our marriage and another 1 and a half years ago when we attempted a reconciliation.

    During our marriage, I was committed to him despite several misunderstandings and comments that he was never ready for marriage. Unlike men who are usually unfaithful, I was unfaithful to him a year before our break up. It has taken me 3 years to confess to him even though he suspected me of being unfaithful. I have taken responsibility of my actions and despite him not being the best of husbands, I blame myself for being weak and not remaining faithful.

    I know he pushed me into an affair by neglecting me financially and emotionally but what I did was still wrong. I just ask for prayers for forgiveness from God, my ex-husband and myself. I recently told him the truth because I felt it was a hindrance to our reconciliation. I have told him he does not need to take me back as a wife because he deserves someone better. Can such a marriage ever work out?

    • Tony says:

      (USA)  I’m sorry you felt the need to have an affair then blame your husband. Your husband DID NOT push you into having an affair.

      You ask for forgiveness, but still try to blame your husband for your actions by saying things like he pushed you into an affair. If you want forgiveness, repent and apologize like David did in the Psalms:

      Psalms 51

      1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
      according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
      2 Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.

      3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.
      4 Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight;
      so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.
      5 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
      6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

      7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
      8 Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
      9 Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity.

      10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
      11 Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.
      12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

      13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways, so that sinners will turn back to you.
      14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God, you who are God my Savior,
      and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
      15 Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise.
      16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
      you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
      17 My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
      a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

      18 May it please you to prosper Zion, to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
      19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
      in burnt offerings offered whole; then bulls will be offered on your altar.

      David did not blame anyone else for his sin. He owned it, 100%. This is an example of how to repent. Citing your husbands behavior to justify your affair is NOT an act of repentance.

      You want to believe he pushed you into the affair. But the truth is you chose the affair. It really doesn’t matter what you think you know. If you want things to work out, then start by not trying to shift blame or justify your behavior. Live out the Psalms 51 apology.

  17. Robyn says:

    (SOUTH ARFICA)  Hi All, I wish I could really get advice here. I have been married for almost four years. I recently found out that my husband had an affair. He is denying it point blank. This girl is his ex girlfriend. I feel like whenever I say something about her he gets defensive. I really love him and I know he loves me. Also he has a drinking problem that I hate and that is our biggest fight.

    When he had this affair I remember things being very ugly between us, that we used to call each other bad names and get really ugly with each other. What also hurts about this affair is that when he lied to me about where he was going to be for that weekend, his brother was in on it.

    Right now I’m so mixed with emotions, I want to be in this marriage but I don’t want to be hurt again or experience a repeat of this. Sometimes I wonder if our marriage is even of God, cos we don’t have any kids and we seem not to be going anywhere. Also he has left home saying that it’s too expensive to stay where we are and we need a cheaper place. We stay in separate places at the moment cos he doesn’t want to come back now cos I’ve got a roommate to help me with rent, etc after he left. When he left he had spent the rent money on alcohol and friends, so he made an excuse that the place was too expensive. Please give some advice please. I know God hates divorce, but how do I know if my marriage was ordained by God?

  18. Lost says:

    (UGANDA)  Hi all. I have to confess, I’m a women and I’m having ano affair. I didn’t want to go this way but stuff happened. I know there is no excuse. I know that what I am doing is wrong and that’s why I wrote in so that I can have all of you help me find a way out.

    Well, what happened to me was that my husband and I CONSTANTLY fought as in everyday (this was before the affair). He would search through my handbag, check through my phone, he constantly accused me of cheating when I bought a new dress or did my hair. It was because I’m cheating he would say, whenever I got home and took a bath the evening it was because I’m cheating. He would say, if I had money in my purse he would say I got it from my lover. All these things happened before the idea of even having an affair crossed my mind. Then I consulted family and tried to have them help me solve the problem. It didn’t help. I saw a counselor. It worked short term then it all started again. A year later I found someone who I could talk to, someone who even when we have problems we can sit down and sort them out together.

    I know I sound crazy, I know and I acknowledge that I don’t stay with my lover and that’s probably why I view him differently compared to my husband. But then I have known my lover longer than my husband. And before the affair I constantly cried, couldn’t cope at work, had to send my daughter away because I couldn’t be the mother she needed. But now I feel so much better. I feel whole with this other person and what scares me most is that the way I feel about my lover is something that I have never felt for my husband, not even during our courtship days. I don’t know what to do because I know I’m wrong. I’m know the consequences of what I’m doing, but then still I feel like I’d rather face all that, than be unhappy.

    I’m lost. Is it the devil that’s making me feel this way or is it something else? What can I do? Where do I start?

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Lost, I’m not sure why you wrote. At first you say you know that what you are doing is wrong and say “there is no excuse,” then for most of the rest of the comment you give history into your husband thinking you would have an affair, which you eventually did, and then you give history to having the affair and say that you’d much rather face the consequences of what you’re doing “than be unhappy.” You are contradicting yourself all over the place. As someone who is looking at this objectively, it sure seems to me that you have embraced a lie –a type of venomous snake, which will eventually bite you. And venomous snakes don’t bite without causing destruction.

      One man we know of shared the following thought that we should all remember. He said, “My biggest mistake was to believe the lie that because I hurt so badly, sinful solutions were acceptable.” Trust me, they have a way of catching up with you. You can run for a time, but eventually, they will jump on you and you won’t know if you are coming or going.

      Dr Charles Swindoll said, “Whenever God is knocked out, sin is minimized… When we do wrong, we set in motion a cycle of complications.” And it’s true. You may be somewhat happier with yourself and your life right now, but eventually the complications of what you are doing will overtake you. God is not mocked. The wrong you do today will turn on you someday and as I said before, it will bite you HARD!

      There’s something to be said for being accused of something and NOT going in that direction. It’s called integrity, which brings peace in being able to look in the mirror and say, “No matter what God, you and I are ok… help me to live a life where I will never be ashamed.” And please know that living a cheating lifestyle does not do your daughter any favors. Before, you felt you had to send her away. Please tell me, when she someday finds out about your cheating, what lifestyle choice are you laying out before her? “Cheating is the way to make things work?” “Forget about being honest and being a woman of integrity when things get tough in life, cheat instead?” That’s not a good message to add onto the confusion she will deal with (is she isn’t already).

      Lost, I know I’m being straightforward here. And I’m sure this isn’t what you want to hear. As a woman who cares, I’d love to say, “go with your heart… you deserve better than you had before… this man sounds right for you.” But I can’t do that. I care more about you and your circumstances in the long-run, than to give you satisfaction for the moment. Some things, which we want and go for, will eventually hurt us worse than if we had said “no” or someone had said, “no” in the first place. You can hear the other type of sanctioning talk anywhere. You can see that type of behavior going on everywhere –the type of behavior that clings to entitlement and going the way of what makes a person “feel” happy –at least for a season. But that type of selfism is what’s contributing to the mess this world is in –the type that’s messing it up more and more as time goes on –the type, which will eventually move God’s hand to show that “enough is enough.” And the consequences will be brutal.

      You ARE lost. But I’m not sure you totally realize it yet, because you’re trying to excuse it and are wondering if the devil is making you “feel this way.” No, the devil is not “making” you feel this way. You are just going along for the ride –entertaining the enemy of our faith –not realizing the crash, which you will eventually experience. And crash, you will. But it doesn’t have to be fatal, if you do what you can to steer in the right direction.

      You ask, “What can I do; where do I start?” You start on your knees. You ask, “Is it something else,” which is causing you to be lost? Yes. Wrong choices… sinful choices. And the only way to change anything so it will go in any kind of a redeemed direction is to first, ask God to show you the gravity of what you have done to your husband (even though he was not acting right in the beginning– it doesn’t excuse your actions), to your daughter –who you cheated out of many things (God will show you what that is), and your own integrity (you’ve cheated yourself in many, many ways). Walk with God. Look at what you have done honestly in all of its ugliness (if you will allow yourself to do this), and then confess all that comes to mind to confess. It’s like vomiting garbage. If you keep it inside and keep swallowing more, it will poison you all the more. It needs to come out. And then turn to God in earnest prayer for help. He will help you to go in a right direction in your life. Your past and present sinful life, does not have to be where you go in the future –just piling on more garbage and added hurt, which you will pay for in the future.

      This man is not for yours to have. If you continue, you will see that what started through cheating, will eventually bring rottenness into your life all the more. Things might look brighter right now, but it’s all an illusion.

      And after you have confessed and vomited the garbage (it will take a while and will be painful –like opening up an infected wound and pushing the pus out), you have the chance to heal and to cause some type of healing (which you have NO chance of, as things are). There are two articles, which we have posted on this web site where there is a community of women and some men, who are helping each other break free from affairs –both emotional and physical. God is ministering and helping. The articles are “Getting Unhooked From an Emotional Affair” and the other is “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair.” If you just read the articles and then read the many, many comments, you will find things to glean from and use in your own journey –IF you choose to take it. You can even reach out to them. Or, you can keep going on as you are. But keep in mind that just because a road looks better and seems to be easier now, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t a cliff to fall off of later and a price to pay later. Please prayerfully consider all of this. I hope you will. I pray you will –especially for your precious daughter’s sake, as well as yours.

  19. Ndel says:

    (ZAMBIA)  Well, I am touched with all the emails that I have read so far. I am a Christian by the way, and married for ten years now and have two girls. But my husband is very short tempered. When we watching tv there is no talking, no communication and no kissing or cuddling, etc. And when I say I want to leave him he doesn’t allow me, saying we need to take care of the girls together.

    I met this man in January 2012 and he was good to me. He is also married, and he also has problems in his marriage. Now this man was the opposite of my husband. It was just taking me for work and back for work, phone calls and sms. I was enjoying his company but a month ago my husband started susspecting and he would be montoring my phone all the time, so now we’re not communicating. I should admit I miss this man sometimes. I love God and I don’t want to continue doing this. I pray that I forget about him.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Ndel, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is that you break off this relationship with this other man. It’s like what one man said about his adultery, “My biggest mistake was to believe the lie that because I hurt so badly, sinful solutions were acceptable.” I’m not saying that you and this man are sleeping together –that isn’t the point. There is an emotional connection that you should not be sharing with someone outside of your marriage, whether your husband wants to connect with you or not. Your mind, thoughts, and actions are now longing for someone that you have no business being with in any way, shape, or form. You have fed this connection. Please work NOT to keep feeding it.

      Please go into the article, “The Emotionally Distant Husband” and read through it and the comments below it, and also, Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair (even though this is an emotional affair). There are a lot of them. You will see the addictive nature of what you are now involved in with this man. Whether he “also has problems in his marriage” or not, the way to work them through is NOT to start connecting emotionally with someone outside of marriage. The energy you pour into it robs you of the energy you could put elsewhere –energy better spent, which won’t lead to cheating emotionally or any other way. Those articles and the comments are two of many, which may help you to work out what’s wrong, rather than going towards sinful solutions.

      You say you are a Christian –which means you are a Christ-follower. Can you imagine Christ would do this to His bride? He is faithful, even when we aren’t faithful –even when we are detestable. As a follower of Christ, you know that sneaking around and missing someone else is not being faithful. Yes, your husband needs to connect with you in other ways. He is not giving you what you need. But perhaps you can prayerfully read through this web site and ask God as your “Wonderful Counselor” to help you to come up with ways to inspire your husband connect with you at times. Obviously, it won’t be during TV times, but perhaps you can work out other times –little bits and pieces here and there.

      And if you keep feeding the “I want to leave” mindset, you’ll only make yourself and your family even more miserable. Ask God to show you how to be wise in inspiring your husband to cuddle and communicate with you at times. Yes, you may “need to take care of the girls together” but what is this type of behavior teaching them about a Christian marriage? You and your husband should both consider that question. They may have all of their temporal needs met, but how about emotional needs of seeing a good marriage modeled for them? Please prayerfully consider what I’m saying here. I pray wisdom for you and a discerning spirit, and help in the ways you need it.

  20. David says:

    (USA) My wife and I are both saved. We have 2 beautiful kids. I had a affair 1 1/2 years ago for a few months purely sexual in my head. Well, she found out and I went to a Christian counselor to get help.

    A year later I found out that during her time of hurt she too cheated on me with a friend of mine. Now we are back to the beginning and she told me she has no idea what she wants to do. I on the other hand, want to get back what we once had. It’s hard on me knowing a friend did that and took advantage of the situation but I am a Christian and I am going to forgive them both.

    My question is what do I do to get our wonderful family back in line and not have our kids affected? I come from a broken home. She comes from a loving Christian home –a home I want to model after. I have been praying since I found out for God to take the pain but it’s still with me.

    I also work a dangerous job and I’m afraid it is clouding my mind. Please pray for us! Thank you. And God bless!

  21. Elizabeth says:

    (USA) My husband is working in China. He has been there for a little over a year. When he came home a few weeks ago, I discovered that he was having an affair with a 26 year old woman. He told me he cares a lot about her, and is paying her tuition to go to school. He texted, e-mailed and called her by phone the entire time he was home. He is 59 and I am 62.

    I was supposed to go with him when he returned, but after the argument when I found the text messages and e-mails he was sending her, he told me I could not go so I had to cancel my ticket. Since he has been back, about three weeks… we talked a few times. He told me that when I call I am just checking up on him. He is very cruel and distant when I call. I have not called for the past 5 days. He has not called me either.

    While he was home he said that he did not know if he loved me. Since he has been back in China, he said that he reflected on his flight back and realizes that he still loves me. It is hard for me to tell because he is so distant when we did talk. She was supposed to pick him up at the airport when he arrived back in China (that was in one of his e-mails to her). I love my husband and I want our marriage to be restored.

  22. Pavrone says:

    (USA) I worked in managment for a grocery chain in around 92. The assistant manager and I had a lot in common. We would talk about out odd music which no one else seemed to like and mnay other things. Always fun to talk to him but my thoughts never went there. We were both fairly newly married and starting families.

    One day he shut the break room door and said that he had to curb our friendship. He said it was nothing I had done wrong but I had all the qualities he loved in a woman and we had so much in common and he found his thoughts going where they should not, he knew I wasn’t thinking that but WO MAN, he was. He then said that if he ever did anything to hurt his wife he could not forgive himself. He would rather die. I see they are the same today, still having babies and you can see by the photos (checked him on FB but would not approach him. I love marriage as God does, my husband tragically never did) they are best friends.

    I’ve cried all afternoon because I know I will never know what that feels like as a wife and my husband is supposed to be a Christian, this guy is not. I would never even mess with another females boyfriend as a teen, aways hoped I could get the same and after half my life dedicated to my husband in love and faithfulness, it doesn’t seem like much to ask. I’ve had nothing but hatred, slander and betrayal and I have been a good wife, tried to be friend to him.

    On top of all he has put us through, I learn there’s another. Right in the church. They both claim nothing happened but a few emails which he hid from me and then she said he became inappropriate. Not sure I believe either of them but the way God exposed that 22 months after catching him with the other, I am assured God will reveal all.

    I know he’s sorry but he swore that was it, all that I know and I should have peace. I knew better and told him so. I was right and the fact that he is willing to lie whenever it saved his butt and it is sad. God says “All liars will have their part in the Lake of Fire”

    As time goes by and I see how he is willing to lie although we are all deep in depression and he has the power to set us free with the truth, it’s becoming more apparent that there must be anther out there for me. He’s trying to make it up to me which he cannot but the fact that he is still a liar shows how selfish he still is and he” say he has no reason to lie. Of course he does, the same reason anyone does. To avoid consequences but he will not be avoiding God. I want to be loved like my co-workers wife and at this point, I know I will leave this planet never knowing that. God, please help me.

  23. Vera says:

    (SENEGAL) I am so happy to be here. My story is a sweet one, though it’s not been easy or an all rosy affair. I met and married my husband without thinking, getting to know each other well and really planning but we’re married for 5 yrs now and he has been good to me. But I recently met a crazy guy that I really like and we both have a whole lot in common. I’ve told the other guy about my feelings for him and we both agreed to be friends and nothing more (am really crazy about this guy) cos divorce is not in my personal dictionary and I’ve got my 3 handsome kids to think about. I’ve not had sex with this other guy but I think of him when I’m with my husband and my husband once asked me if he has done anything to me cos he is noticing that I’m no longer as excited as I used to be about sex. I denied it and said it just a mood swing.

    I’ve decided to give my life to Christ as that is the only way to be happy in my marriage despite my feelings for another cos I will never leave my husband cos he has never hurt me before, though he has once cheated on me and confessed after a month and I forgave him cos he has never given me a reason to distrust him in our 5 yrs of marriage. I don’t love my husband anymore cos of the other guy. I am only tolerating him cos of our kids and for the fact that he has always been a good father and a responsible husband to me.

    God has blessed me with a good man and I know He will also bless me with a good heart to love Him and grace to make my marriage work to the glorification of His holy name. Please remember me in your prayers.

    • Cindy Wright says:

      Vera, I’m so glad that you decided to give your life to Christ. He will help guide you in the situations you’re in now and for the rest of your life as long as you put your hand into His and follow Him –through the good and difficult times.

      Please read through the article on our web site, “Getting Unhooked From an Emotional Affair” (which you can find in the “Emotional Infidelity” topic). As you read the article and as many of the comments as you can (there are over a thousand of them), you’ll see a common thread. You have fallen into an emotional addiction to this man. It’s every bit as difficult to break free from that type of addiction as it is to break free from drugs and alcohol –it’s intoxifying. But it’s also lethal to you marriage (because you’ll become less and less satisfied with the “normal” man you’re married to, as you’re already starting to experience) and you are caught up in a fantasy world, which eventually will crash some day, in some way. It’s not a real world –it’s a fake one, which is perpetuated by who you THINK this person is, and how you think things can and should go.

      Even if this man was everything you could ever dream of, he’s not yours to dream about. You are married. You made a sacred vow to another man. You have a husband who trusts the vow you made and children who love and look up to you as their example (as well as others who witness your lifestyle). By continuing on in this fantasy world, you risk more than you can imagine. And eventually, if you get this guy all to yourself, you will find that he will turn into someone else that you didn’t realize, and there you have it. You ruined your marriage …and your children’s lives will never be the same, you sinned against all you believe in and against God. Eventually you’ll find that this prince of a man will turn into a frog, with warts and all. Reality based on cheating destroys and distorts all, which we thought would be good.

      Please Vera, read the article I recommend and the comments and perhaps the article, “Total Separation: The Right Way to End an Affair” (posted in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic) and the comments below it. It’s a lot of reading, but you have a lot of sorting out to do to get your heart and mind back into the right place. Perhaps you can even comment there to get additional help from the community that is trying to break free, as well. I can guarantee you that if you continue on this path, you WILL end up getting physical with this man, you will further taint and eventually destroy your marriage to this “good man” –someone who is “a good father and a responsible husband” to you –the father of your children. And what you will have left is a mess, because this guy will NOT live up to your fantasies. It’s best to stop investing your time and energy into this fantasy and instead find ways to bless your husband and find ways to build your love for him again.

      As you give your heart to the Lord and ask Him to lead you, He will help you do the painful job of breaking this addiction, and help you to get back onto the road of integrity, love for your husband and family, and be an example to others. You’ll also be able to better live with the person you see in the mirror. Please live the scriptures found in Philippians 4:8-9. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5) “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ — to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

  24. Michele says:

    (USA) I am separated from my husband. Recently I was on a social media site and shared it with a friend who is of the opposite sex. He went on and on about having a crush on me and ways he would like to comfort me.

    I have never been tempted to go outside of my marriage- even in my 10 month separation, but I can say hearing those things about comforting me made me feel good for a moment. Then I realized how easily temptation can creep in even to a person not prone to cheat or need copious amounts of attention.

    I should never have discussed the status of my marriage with him. I never should have allowed my vulnerability into his hands so to speak. Marriage-separation or not, is sacred and I should have been more careful how I spoke of my marriage and who I speak to about my marriage. Speaking to someone of the opposite sex about a broken marriage should be deemed a no-no. I’m not saying everyone of the opposite sex would take the opporitunity as this man did, but I set the stage for temptation by “crying on his shoulder”. If I hadn’t snapped back to reality, I could have easily began an emotional affair with this man. I advise couples to be careful who you share your problems with and if you are in a vulnerable state to take your cares to Jesus. He is the one who will never leave or forsake. He is dependable and will never lead you wrong.

  25. Emmy says:

    (MALAWI) Why Do affairs happen?? I will give a personal experience and assume others who have cheated before have similar experiences.

    I grew up in a Christian home with Christian values. I was a virgin until I met the father of my 2 children. We married when I was 22 and he was 25. I can describe our sex life as unsatisfactory. He was the 1st man I knew but always felt sexually unsatisfied. I mentioned to him several times but we both lacked the skill and knowledge of improving this aspect of our marriage. We ended up hating sex, grew physically apart.

    After months of no physical contact, despite the increasing desire and futile efforts of begging, he wasn’t willing to talk about it and instead withdrew from sex completely. I cannot say I wasn’t strong enough to handle my desires because I had done that and kept myself pure until I met the man I was married to. What I couldn’t deal with was suppressing my desires when I had a husband who refused to touch me and decided to try and experience what another man could do. So I decided to have an affair and had 3 sexual encounters with him.

    My husband didn’t know about it until I confessed to him years later. Even though has not forgiven me, my affair was the purpose of knowing if I am physically capable of enjoying sex or not, maybe to gauge my husband’s performance.

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