When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

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I’m going to approach this article a bit differently than others I’ve written. I feel a need to address both women and men on this matter, because it DOES matter. It’s a struggle, whether you’re the wife or the husband. Both feel very strongly about this part of their marriage. This article addresses the issue of when a wife doesn’t want to have sex. But it also addresses what it is like for the man to be refused.

I totally agree with something Dr Phil McGraw has said on his television program,

“Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the ‘importance scale’ if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. It is a gigantic issue, if your sex life is unfulfilled. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the ‘importance scale.'” (From Ten Relationship Myths)

For both husband and wife, it’s a huge problem if they aren’t in agreement.

First: To The Husband Whose Wife Doesn’t Want Sex

I can’t even start to know the frustration you’re experiencing. I’ve listened to men (and my own husband) as they’ve voiced their anxiety and grief and utter angst over this issue. However, because I’m not a man, I don’t really understand it in the same way another man would.

So, when I came across a series of articles written by Paul Byerly, and I saw the value of what Paul has written, I determined to let him address this issue from a man’s perspective. He and his wife Lori have a wet site called The Marriage Bed. Paul knows what he is talking about on this issue.

So men, please read the following series of articles posted on The-generous-husband.com web site (you may even want to question him about this matter):

WHY WIVES SAY NO TO SEX, AND WHAT A MAN CAN DO ABOUT IT

NON-SEXUAL TOUCH AND SEX

THE SIN OF BUSYNESS

And then here are two great articles written by Sheila Wray Gregoire on this same issue. Sheila addresses husbands, helping them to figure out why she doesn’t like sex in the first place. And then what to do about it. We encourage you to read these articles (and comments posted below it). Sheila does a great job in explaining things:

FOR THE GUYS: When Your Wife Hates Sex

10 QUESTIONS TO ASK IF YOUR WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

— ADDITIONALLY —

Neil Black wrote the following articles, which you may find helpful:

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX

HELP! MY WIFE DOESN’T WANT SEX – Part 2

I hope men find the above series of articles, from both Paul Byerly and Neil Black, helpful!

Next: For Wives Who Do Not Want to Have Sex:

I realize that this is a complex issue for the wife who is denying her husband, as well. There are so many reasons why you may not want to make love to your husband. Some of these reasons may be lack of desire, his cleanliness, his demanding, abusive, controlling ways, which turn you off when you consider having any physical contact with him. And then there are pornography issues —either his or yours. Satisfaction is being achieved through false, sinful entertainment. We deal with many of those issues in other topics of this web site. Please search for them.

There’s also busyness, where you’re too tired to make love to your husband because of the demands of children, job obligations, household chores, etc. There are so many reasons why a wife may want to say no to having sex with her husband. Lori Byerly, of The Generous Wife web site wrote a blog addressing this issue, that you may find insightful. I sure did —probably because I have had to make similar decisions:

THE SEX QUESTIONS — WHEN SHE SAYS NO

These issues are also addressed within other topics on this web site. Please seek and you will find. It’s not that they will give instant answers, or every answer; they won’t. But I believe you will find inspiration and at least some help to make changes that are needed in intimately connecting with your marriage partner.

Past Abuse Nightmares

Also, there is the problem of past abuse from other men and how it may be haunting you today. When your husband touches you it sends off memory triggers. These triggers may remind you of the horrible hurt you went through earlier in life. It may also have stripped your desire to have even a loving husband touch you.

I can relate. I’ve been there and have worked through that extremely difficult situation.

I write a bit about it in the article:

• WHEN PAST SEXUAL ABUSE AFFECTS A MARRIAGE’S INTIMACY

If this is what you are dealing with, there’s also a few other articles you may want to read:

SEXUAL OBSTACLES: Healing an Emotional Wound

WORKING THROUGH PAST HURT

There may be other issues, such as addictions, and bitterness over marriage situations. Just so you know, we have articles on those issues on this web site, as well.

But whatever it is, please work on it.

They say, “Whoever wants sex the least has the most power in bed.” That seems to be true. If a lot of withholding is going on, there is a power struggle going on and the bedroom is “a lousy place for a battle of the will.”

I agree that there are seasons where we need to work on issues pertaining to our sex life together. But when it drags on to more than a “season” then there are problems. The Bible tells us,

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and like-wise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5)

You had to have known that before you married that it isn’t good to deprive one another. Being intimate and exclusive with each other is all part of being married. If you wanted to withhold having sex with your spouse, you shouldn’t have married.

Perhaps you have changed in your libido or your desire.

Keep in mind that marriage is not all about you. This is a partnership. And just like your husband needs to work with you on compromises, you need to work with him on compromises too.

But be careful in how you do this. Don’t just lay there and let him be intimate with you, while you pout and think, “just get it over with.” That won’t satisfy your husband (or you) either. Marriage is about giving. It is stated throughout the Bible, that it’s more blessed to give than to receive. We’re also told to serve one another, with a good heart. Jesus was our ultimate example in being a servant. As we’re told in Philippians 2 we’re to, “have this same attitude as Christ Jesus.

You know deep in your heart if you’re being difficult with your husband. You also should know that you’re asking more of him than you should if you keep rejecting him sexually. And yet you’re expecting him to be celibate because you also expect him to stay faithful in all ways.

Yes, he should stay faithful.

That’s what God expects of him too. But if you are not being intimate with him if he wants and needs you, you’re putting temptation in front of him. You’re putting him in a corner where he can feel trapped. He can’t be intimate with you and yet he has needs. A life sentence of celibacy can be a frightening life for someone who needs that connection with the one he loves and wants. His sexual desires won’t quit plaguing him, just because you say no.

I have to admit that there have been times when I didn’t “want it” when my husband approached me. There was even a LONG period of time when I was dealing with past sexual issues where I denied my husband. I now know that I was wrong in what I did and what I expected of him. I know I didn’t have to to meet his every need when I was hurting so deeply inside. But I needed help to get past the mental torture I was experiencing, and it was wrong of me not to get it. We didn’t have to stay stuck in that place for so long.

My husband pleaded with me and I just looked the other way thinking, “He just needs to control himself. He should understand how painful this is for me.”

A Time for Everything

Yes, it wouldn’t have been too much to ask my husband to “control himself” for a period of time while I was in the depths of therapy. And yes, as my marital partner, he should understand (to a certain degree) how painful this was for me. But I took it way beyond reasonable. Steve really COULDN’T understand my reactions or the depth of my pain. And even if he tried to understand (which he did), I still needed professional help to work through my issues. And then we could work together on ours so this wasn’t something that would go on and on without an end in sight.

I was being unreasonable in my expectations of him. He married me in good faith that we would be marriage partners. Yet I was withdrawing an important connection in that partnership. And whether it was because of past abuse or whatever, it was not reasonable for me to ask my husband to stay pure and not be with me either. I feel that is true in most marriages (unless there are untreatable physical reasons).

Work on your issues.

If there are treatable physical, emotional, or whatever reasons why you can’t get together, please work on them. Don’t deny your spouse and sentence him to a life without you or anyone else. He wants you and no one else. Please work on your issues.

If the reason you can’t be with him is because of physical pain or because of some other physical reason, then work with doctors on this. If it truthfully can’t be medically resolved, then look for other ways to satisfy him. But do it with a good attitude. And if you can’t do things in a “conventional” method because of physical limitations, then find ways to satisfy each other in other ways. Be creative.

The important thing is that you are together, as a man and wife. Just don’t allow any other human being to be involved with both of you (either physically or visually), in your time together. This is YOUR time to be together. Please don’t ask your husband to lead a celibate life if that is not what he desires.

There was a long, long (unreasonably long) season where I pulled back from being intimate with my husband. Eventually, I woke up and realized that I had a good guy that I married. He didn’t deserve to be another victim to what had happened to me in the past. I sought for, and received the emotional help I needed to work through my issues. We eventually came together, and have loved on each other since.

Helpful Resources:

There have been a few dry spells, even after I dealt with my past, where I haven’t wanted it as much as my husband desired. The book, Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage, written by Tim Alan Gardner has given me insights. Also  the book, Intimate Issues: Twenty-One Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex, written by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus helped me. I now “get it” as far as better understanding the emotional and spiritual connection that comes from making love as husband and wife. It’s not ONLY physical connection (although that’s important —especially to the spouse who needs it), but there is more to this whole thing than many people (especially women) realize.

God showed me I am not to deny my husband when he needs to be close to me, whenever it is possible. Yes, some times I fall into bed exhausted or I’m not feeling well, and then it happens; he approaches me. But instead of totally denying him, I either offer a “quickie” or ask him if we can be together at another time. (And I make sure it’s soon.) My husband is a reasonable man and that has worked for us.

But what if you don’t feel like it?

If it’s just because I don’t “feel like it” —even then, I offer the same. But most of the time, even if I don’t feel like it, I’ve learned to pray. I ask God to give me the desire. There is a spiritual component involved, when my husband and I are intimate together.

I’ve had times where I’ve started out with NO desire to make love to my husband when he has needed it. But eventually, I’m totally into it as I pray and concentrate on lavishing him with love, coming from a heart filled with the love of God. I’m enjoying loving my husband as much as he is in loving me. Making love then becomes TOTALLY satisfying and enjoyable. I never knew that God would answer that type of prayer, but He does!

Here’s a quote from Sheila Wray Gregoire to consider:

How often have you done this? You’re lying in bed, feeling guilty, wondering, ‘Is he expecting something tonight?’ And then your brain goes into overdrive. ‘Do I feel like it? I don’t know. Is he due? How many days has it been, anyway? If we start right this moment, how many hours of sleep will I still get?’ If you had started making love in the beginning, the silly thing is, you’d be asleep by now! We women often forget that our sex drives are primarily in our brains.

“Unlike for our husbands, arousal usually comes after you start making love, not before. But instead of jumping in, we tend to overanalyze things. Tonight, silence all those thoughts running through your head, and just decide, I am going to feel good, and I am going to feel close to my husband! When you are mentally excited about having sex, your whole body tends to follow. So stop thinking so much, and start doing!”

I hope what I’m writing here helps in some way. I know that there are circumstances where we just don’t want it. And most husbands have those times too. But please make it your mission to work on whatever it is that’s blocking the way of intimately connecting with your marriage partner in this way.

In closing:

Please prayerfully consider something that was written in the above mentioned book, Intimate Issues:

“Making the right decision is never easy but there are benefits to adopting the right attitude. When we choose to love selflessly, we honor God, we make our husbands happy, and we find more pleasure in our lovemaking.

“Dying to self is difficult, but it is necessary if you want to grow in godliness. Being godly means having a godly attitude. Godly attitudes result in godly actions, such as giving your body to your husband. This is easier if you surrender to God and allow His Spirit to work within you. ‘Nothing is impossible with God(Luke 1:37, NIV). God is able to give you desire where none existed before. He can help you exchange wrong thinking with godly thinking. And God can cause you to enjoy deeper intimacy than you ever thought possible.

“God, I confess that I have not always appreciated Your gift of sex —or even wanted it. I have shunned You and withheld my body from my husband. Forgive me. I want to be a willing and creative lover —but it’s hard. Please stir up in me passion and desire for my husband. help me get my mind off myself to You and humbly ask that You begin now to work in me.”

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Filed under: Sexual Issues

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Comments

678 responses to “When a Wife Doesn’t Want to Have Sex

  1. My wife and I are finally able to begin discussing these issues openly and address our feelings. As a man in this situation I want to thank you! I feel like you nailed it! It has been very hard for me to try to explain my feelings to my wife, but you seem to understand my position very well and if my wife will read this article she will have an idea of what I’ve been feeling.

    We love each other very much, but there has been a steady decline in intimacy that has been very hard for me. I have struggled with pornography addiction in the past and work very hard to try to “tame that beast” on a regular basis. I want to be true and faithful in heart and mind and I want all of my intimate feelings and intentions to be towards her. I just feel like that poor sad guy sitting outside the door knocking watching the flowers that I bought her wilt (ya know). Thank you for your time and research on these issues and for sharing your experiences. I am happy to have found this article and foresee it being a huge help for us.

    1. Thanks John, your comments are encouraging! Keep fighting the war to put your past addiction behind you. It’s so very worth it! I pray that you and your wife grow closer and closer together with each coming year. God has helped us do that, even though we had a very dysfunctional sex life with each other earlier in our marriage (my husband was also addicted to porn… but “fought the good fight”, and now things are going so very well for us in our love life with each other). We just celebrated our 44th anniversary, and we are indeed blessed. I hope that becomes true for you and your wife :)

  2. My wife loves sex and wants to have it as often as possible. The only problem being I am expected to just jump on top and not expect her to touch me. I have gotten to the point where not having been touched below the waist for 15 years has finally led me to not being able to do anything. We hardly have sex, although she’s willing. But I can’t respond as I’m lucky if I can maintain for a couple of seconds. I tried everything over the years, using toys with her etc.. and spoil her rotten but I try to avoid sex when I can.

    We have spoken over the years time and time again to no avail. She just won’t touch me. I’m not a machine and can’t just be a roll on roll off guy. I think it was a mistake to get involved with one person for long term.

  3. April 10, 2016. Hi. I enjoyed reading this article. My wife and I have 4 children and 7 Grandchildren. Needless to say we had a great sex life up to 4 years ago. In 2012 I had prostate cancer and had my prostate removed. After my operation I cannot get a full erection (maybe 1/4) and was hoping it would eventually work 100% again but it hasn’t.

    The problem in my marriage now is that my wife does not even sleep in bed with me since April 2012. I have asked her many times why she won’t have sex and her reply is she can do without it and marriage is not all about sex and I should get over it. Unfortunately, I still have desires and needs and I would do anything to make her feel sexually gratified. But, now I need to satisfy my wants by masturbation several times a week. Her Mother denied her Dad for more than 10 years before she died, so I am thinking she is in her Mothers mode.

    I am hoping to find a way to help her change, or me, before I do something stupid like looking for sex elsewhere.
    Any input is appreciated. Thanks. Paul

  4. This is as well written article on this subject as I have ever read. It is balanced and thoughtful. Conversations are hard, but if they don’t happen, the chronic crisis becomes acute. This is not an if, but a when! The acute crisis will be life changing, damaging and take a life of its own. Thank you for your insights.

  5. I have been married for 27 years and my wife hasn’t slept in my bed more the ten times a year and we only have sex maybe eight times a year. I lost my business 3 years ago right around the time my 24 year old daughter passed away. My wife never had more then one minute to talk to me; it really hurts. She says she loves me but I can’t see it.

    1. Mark, First of all I am SO sorry for the terrible losses you have suffered in your life. Just one of those losses in and of itself would have been devastating but to lose your business and your daughter, to me it is unimaginable the pain you must be going through. I’m not going to address the issue of your wife not sleeping in your bed more than 10 times per year right now, because I think the primary issue that you BOTH need to address is the grieving process over the loss of your daughter; and additionally (for you) the loss of your business. On the scale of 1 – 10 of traumatic, life changing events, the combination of losses you have experienced is probably a 20.

      I Googled your town and “grief recovery groups” and there are a number of them. I can’t urge you and your wife strongly enough to get involved in one ASAP. I would also suggest that if finances permit you would also find a good Christian Grief Counselor. The combination could help bring healing into your lives even faster. I pray that you have a good support group around you, too. Also, here’s a link to an article on our web site that may be helpful to you: https://marriagemissions.com/a-childs-death-changes-everything/ In that article are links to more resources on the Web that might meet a need, too. Mark, my heart is so heavy right now for you and your wife and my prayer for you is that the Peace of Christ would surround you and that God’s arms would hold you both so close you would be able to hear His heartbeat and experience His compassion for you. ~Steve Wright, Marriage Missions International

  6. I stumbled on this site in search of what I can do to make my wife love sex. We’ve struggled so much on this and it seems am giving up since she has refused to understand me. I feel rejection when I asked for it and my wife rejects my advance. She rejects it with words like ‘you did one yesterday’ ‘leave me’, ‘your own is too much’ etc. At a point I was angry and I told her I won’t have sex with her again but she apologized. Alas! She’s back in less than a week. We’ve been to a marriage seminar where we heard of a woman who served her husband sex like food. I thought my wife will take a clue but she told me that’s her, I can’t kill myself. I hope if I give this article to her, she’ll change. I just pray God will help her to understand better. God bless you for the article.

    1. I pray the Lord ministers to both of you in your marriage to help both of you to give in the ways you can so you can make the other feel cherished and loved and fulfilled, emotionally and physically.

  7. Hello and praise the LORD! My situation is a bit discomforting as I tell the story, perhaps many of you will have some insight. I met my wife in 2011, whereby she worked as a receptionist at a local massage parlor that specializes in medical massage. I had suffered liver cancer in 2004 and afterwards a few car accidents, then became addicted to prescription pain meds and ultimately heroin due to my irresponsibility. During the time of my addiction I had appointments at this massage parlor 2x weekly for my auto injury where she worked. Now being strung out like I was, I had no intrest in any woman at the time.

    Then on Jan 13,2012 the LORD gave me the strength to check into rehab and over the next 12 days kicked the addiction Cold Turkey, which now I consider a Gift from GOD. When I came home and back into daily life, I started to talk more with her, and as the next months passed, she threw off signals of liking me. At that time I was also very heavy because I didn’t eat correctly, nor did I exercise. But I did like talking to her and ultimately decided to ask her out in September of 2012. She declined and said that she had a crazy weekend ahead of her and had no time. I said ok, maybe some other time and left it at that…This was on a Friday. The following Monday I had an appointment and asked her how her weekend went. She replied “Stressful and her computer failed becuase it was so old, and she was depressed.

    I felt bad that she had such bad mishaps, so I offered her a brand new in the box Computer I had at my office to give her a little break in life ..for free. She accepted and I dropped it off at her job. This was Monday. Friday came and I had an appointment. After the appointment, we talked and I asked her out to dinner again figuring maybe she wasn’t as busy…she quickly accepted.

    We had a nice dinner at a comfortable restaurant. Afterwards she came to my apartment and wound up staying the night. By morning, we were supposedly dating…

    This is where it gets a bit weird. Being on drugs for 8 or so years wreaks havoc on your bodily systems, so as a man, I was not up to par right away, and she let me know about it. After dating 2 months, she moved in, and a month later she lost her job and hasn’t worked a day since. This was a bit of an issue for me since I told her to take her time finding something she would like and I had her back. Well, she never even attempted to look and after a while I Just kept things going; paid for everything right down to personal items.

    By this time she was making it seem that although she was dating me exclusively, she still had a bunch of ex-lovers in her phone that she saw nothing with keeping in touch with. I had a problem with that because I never do that sort of thing, especially when your committed to someone. Anyway there was a lot of tension going on because I felt she, although had me as her boyfriend, she was always keeping other options open; by her actions of hiding text messages, disguising names, waiting until I go to the bathroom at the gym, then men shoot over to quickly chat.

    This is where I made a big mistake…instead of just ending things with a person like that, I instead spied on her. I installed spyware on her phone and keyloggers on my computer at home. I unfortunately did find out a lot of dirt and she was reaching out to ex-lovers. But the most disturbing thing was the ritual she used to do every morning.

    She would sit on the living room couch in indian style and sway back and forth moving her hands about herself. I found it a bit odd, but it really became odd when she would take out the Bible and according to her, GOD would move her fingers to a certain area of the Bible and she would share that with me. At first I thought it was ok. She would land on a Psalm or a certain scripture, and for the most part it was about behavior, husbands and wives, loving one another, etc. I would run some of these scriptures past some of the brothers and sisters in my ministry.

    I had warnings back then becuase it did not seem natural what she was doing…Then things started to develop into crazyness….She eventually stopped using the Bible and now she was writing down on paper what GOD was yelling her to do…all kinds of stuff…I must give away all my assets at the office to people, give money away, my office will be no more, etc.Then she started saying GOD was angry with her and she must obey or else. Take my cross off the wall, Jesus never died on the cross. Halleluia is not a word to honor GOD, etc,etc. .(That’s when I was convinced that she was praying to Satan)

    There is plenty more that I can say that happened ..After she saw I disapproved of her writing, she resorted to typing in the computer using microsoft Word and then erasing the file, but becuase I had the keylogger on the computer, I was able to see what she typed even after it was deleted…Crazy stuff, like GOD is a Horny God and having sex with her, how he knows I would not like it but doesn’t care…Crazy stuff like that.

    I confronted her and as always, it’s how I hurt and abused her. Well here I am now married and havent been with her as a husband in 23 Months. In other words she makes it very clear that she does not belong to me and what she does is what GOD tells her to do. She is still in my home using my vehicle, food, clothing etc. I told her to leave and go elsewhere as the sight of me repulses her, but she wants to stay in my home, sleep in the same bed, use my truck, etc.

    I have faith that the Lord will end this in his time. I dont believe in kicking someone out on the street, but it is difficult to know that you have someone who is supposed to be your wife that wants absolutely NOTHING to do with you. Her rebuttal is because of my spying 3 years ago is what caused this situation and she needed time to heal. I get that, but I havent been with her in 23 Months since then. If I see her 20 minuted per day, it’s a lot. 15 Minutes in the am before going to work, and 5 min when I go to bed, which is usually between 11pm and 12 am every day. I usually get up around 7:30 a.m. so I am out all that time. I just pray for the best. Thank you all and GOD Bless

  8. Hey Guys,
    Just to start give all the Glory to God. Well firstly I’m 26 years old and happily married with my beautiful wife. I just want to find out if its normal for once a week to have sex but more importantly we recently had our first child; she is 5 months old now. We’ve had sex only twice since the baby. But I just want to know, what can I do, to make her want me because at the moment I’ve decide that I am not going to ask her or tell her when will we be having sex because I want to see if she really wants me. I know she loves me but I’ve just been frustrated and fed up of always being the one to ask. Thank you

    1. First stop asking!

      Second lots of touching with no expectation of sex. Hold her hand, sit next to her wrap your arm around her, back rubs…but don’t at all go past that.

      Third realize how taxing growing and birthing a baby and then it doesn’t stop there is…now there’s sleepless nights, worry for this new little human, constant care involved. You wont be priority for a good long well…learn to accept that and don’t at all pressure her about it. It is her God given duty to care for this baby now as it is yours. Try to be helpful when she’s looking stressed and don’t feel jelious of coming second. If you play a 50% role with the new baby you probably won’t feel left out at all as you as well will be just as distracted with your new little baby as she is :)

      If you realize and live with all these things in mind, don’t pressure her, she will come to you for sex evenutally. It likely wont be over night but it will be massively sooner than if you pressure.

  9. I really don’t care if my wife doesn’t want sex with me, because I haven’t had sex with her in years – I think it might be about 35 years. She was a poor sex partner anyway. She was like my grandma, and I wouldn’t want sex from either one of them. Happy in my little world where everything is perfect.

  10. I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years. The first 3 years of our marriage, my husband had no interest in me or sex. He rarely complimented me and he made me feel invisible to him. He was always working around the house or watching TV or working. We went to bed at different times. It wasn’t like this before we were married. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and it was a huge struggle to wait for marriage (I wanted to wait). We were always kissing and he would hold my hand. He noticed me. That all changed literally the day after we got married.

    I would ask him to make love to me and would usually end up crying alone in the bathroom afterwards because he would want to get up and get doing things instead of holding me. He never initiated it and we would go weeks without touching. Until I broke down or got angry.

    We tried for a year to have a baby. I tracked my ovulation and the only times in that year we had sex was the day I was ovulating and I had to go ask him. It would be over in a minute. After I had our baby he didn’t go near me for 7 months. At 9 months postpartum we have probably had sex 2 times. Now I’m the one who doesn’t want it. I’m invisible to him no matter how hard I try to look nice. He tells me I’m pretty only when I ask.

    And… I cheated on my husband during my postpartum time. This man made me feel beautiful and he took his time with me. He pursued me. I know it was wrong. I know it was a sin. But now I don’t want anything to do with my husband sexually. He doesn’t make any effort during… sometimes not even kissing or touching me. I don’t want to waste my time and compare him with this other man. I don’t want to divorce but I don’t see how to fix any of this.

  11. I just came out of a marriage of 37 yrs, where my wife felt she had done enough for me sexually and didn’t need to do anything else. She even stopped dating me. So I got a divorce and then I got hooked up with a very nice woman. Now one year into our relationship, she gets in the habit of saying she is tired. She does work a lot of hours, but I feel like I’m going thru the same thing again.

    1. Time to start seeing what YOU’RE doing that is making your women distance themselves for you! I would suspect they feel devalued in someway. Time to purchase a mirror ;)

  12. Maybe somebody can give me advice on my current situation. I am going on 1 year of marriage and also have a 4 year old son. Everything between us sexually was going good until she told me that she was pregnant (2011). From that point on, everything went down hill. During the pregnancy, we had sex only 5 times and after the birth we didn’t have sex for several months. I gave her the space and time needed to heal in which I understand that time is needed for women. She gave birth that May and we didn’t do anything sexually until that October-November.

    Now just to give you some insight as well because I know someone is going to imply it. My assumption to why she didn’t want to do anything was maybe she was tired. So during that course of time and even now, I do more to take off the load from her back. When I get home, I immediately wash the dishes and begin to cook dinner (if it is my turn to cook). I clean our house and help out with our son. She was in school but just recently graduated in which I will discuss further. To give you an idea of the type of person I am in reference to her, I do little things to show my love for her. I do tell her I love her even though it’s not every day, I do other things to show my interest. I kiss, or just give her a little pinch here and there and maybe slap her on her butt. These actions don’t necessarily imply that I want sex but I do it to show that I haven’t forgotten about her and that I’m thinking of her.

    To get to the point, she shut that down. She longer wanted to be touched or bothered and if I did make some sort of physical gesture she would immediately move away from me. I thought something was wrong with me so I started to go to the gym and do better appearance wise but nothing changed. Eventually, I asked her what the issue was and she just said that there is no issue and that she was just tired. To speed up the time, since this initially started 4 years or so ago from the first time I heard of our pregnancy till now.

    I have brought it up literally on numerous occasions and also been to counseling on this same issue. Each time it has been brought up and during our counseling session she has implied that she will do better and work on it but there is no progress. I married her with the hopes things will change and of course I love her but to my disappointment, we’re still in the same boat. Maybe somebody can give me advice on what I should do. In addition, I’m 29 years old and this has been going on since I was 25. I’m still young but feel that she is ruining my sexual interest. Any Advice?

    1. Is she still holding a fair bit of weight since having the baby? If so my suggestion is to get more active with her without telling her that’s your goal. Tell her “you” want to exercise more so you will have more energy.

      I would suspect she just doesn’t feel good about her body. Having a baby is extremely hard on the female body. Even if she’s bounced back and not carrying extra weight its possible her self image has changed and she just doesn’t feel sexy anymore. She could still be feeling like a human incubator and no longer sexual about her body. It happens. Either way… Exercise and getting those endorphines going usually helps that. Hope that helps.

  13. I have been separated from my husband since March and have not had sex with him since mid Feb. He is begging me. I have lost total trust in him and what his motives are in our marriage. He has been emotionally abusive in that he has been very controlling of me and my kids. (THIS IS BOTH OUR SECOND MARRIAGE AND HAVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED 1.5 YEARS ) I have believed him before that he would change his rigid controlling nature. He is seeing a Christian counselor who in fact we have both seen together and individually. She actually said it is very unlikely he will change. He was abused as a child and has spent his life managing and controlling every part of his and others lives, I believe as a coping mechanism. I needed to separate from him as I was at risk of losing my 16 year old daughter (he was particularly unloving and unkind to her) as well it was really a super unhealthy environment with lots of conflict.

  14. My wife and I have been in disagreement for over a year off and on. She recently told me that she has no interest in sex, never did and she tired, she says she forces herself to make love. It’s painful, and that’s all I want her for. We have two kids and my family means the world to me! I’m stuck on what to do. I’m a faithful husband; I would never cheat! But I have needs too. Am I wrong? Should I be miserable? What am I doing wrong? I’m not perfect by no means. She is the love of my life, a beautiful woman inside and out! I don’t want this marriage to fail. Please help a hurting husband that tries….

    1. Only suggestion is…date her again. Since you’re rarely or not at all having sex anyways… instead of just dwelling on it and feeling miserable put it on the back burner, just like when you were dating and shouldn’t (lol) have been getting it on until married anyways. (This is a christian site after all.)

      Women and difficult creatures …everything is emotional…anxiety tends to snowball. If pressure is applied she likely will push back even more because it causes her more stress. So take sex outta the equation for a while yourself and likely she will ease in her stress about it.

  15. I am 23 and married. My husband is a wonderful man. I do not enjoy sex. I enjoy other sex related things except actual sex. I hate it, but I do it only to reciprocate what he does for me. I just want it to be over each and every time. It hurts, I get overheated. I’m not sure if it’s my birth control or history of recent sexual abuse. I don’t really care. I don’t even know why sex is so important that most base their entire relationship around it. I would be happy I never had sex again. I feel so abnormal.

    1. Hi Danni, You are not abnormal…your scenario plays out in more households than you think. But you should address the source of your trouble in the interests of your overall happiness and that of your husband. You are only 23! Your whole life is ahead of you!! Take steps now to overcome your inhibitions…the investment is more than worth it!

      I am a husband married 36 years…as a man I can tell you that in general, sex for a man is what talking and emotional sharing are for a woman. Both wives and husbands need to feel connected and “one” with their spouses. For men, this tends to be physical intimacy. It doesn’t mean “we want it all the time!” It does mean that we feel unwanted and unloved if our wives are continuously finding excuses to avoid intimacy.

      The key word here is “continuously.” Of course, we men need to be considerate…stress, the menstrual cycle, over tiredness. Sure- of course we should not get all upset if our wives sometimes say, “I’d rather not.” The problem starts when this becomes a CONSTANT pattern. In marriages where the husband and wife have sex so infrequently, that the higher desire partner is “significantly deprived,” for that person, touching and intimacy become a very BIG deal!

      I think that you can appreciate that CHRONIC avoidance of intimacy with your spouse, and yet expecting your spouse to remain faithful is a lot to ask don’t you think? I will also say here, that when my wife initates physical intimacy, right away, it encourages me to be more talkative and expressive with her. The one feeds the other. In this way we “take care of each other.”

      Sexual abuse is also a part of my history. Devastating, YES. But you CAN get beyond it! Your past does not have to define your future! If pain is a frequent barrier, then by all means, talk to a doctor and find the cause! Your husband will love you forever when he perceives that you are trying to get beyond this….. and you will start having the closeness and one-ness God intended when He invented sex!

      I would like to refer you to the following websites. They express this issue and solutions to it far better than I.

      http://www.marriagehelper.com/sexual-rejection-effect-on-marriage
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPajbFhSOc
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpqHnk6Dh0U
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-9cIZbOr_w

      I hope very much that this information and my brief comments help you. Your situation can definitely be reversed. Many have been where you are and have overcome this seemingly impossible impass…Take care… WP (Work in Progress)