22 Minutes to a Better Marriage

Do you have 22 minutes here and there to grow a better marriage by connecting with each other in meaningful ways? You may think you don’t have the time to communicate/date your spouse at this time in your life together even though you used to be able to do this. But that was before you had so many responsibilities going on, with trying to “scratch” out a living, taking care of your family, and your home, etc., etc. — the list goes on. There just are too many demands upon your time!

And when (and if) you do have any spare time, you just want to “veg out” and do mindless things. You NEED this time, so you don’t go crazy. And your spouse should just understand that this is the way it is for now. It may be possible to carve out “together” time in the future, but not now!

But how’s that working for you and your marriage relationship? Please know:

“Saying ‘I do’ doesn’t mean you’re done! Nobody ever put gas in a car and expected it to run for years. But lots of couples are running on emotional fumes. Truth is, if you’re not dating your spouse, your relationship is running out of gas.” (Rosberg)

Do you truly believe your marriage relationship can wait until you have more time to put into it? Your marriage would be one of a kind, if so. Do you think it’s time to re-think your priorities?

As Dr James Dobson said, “We must work to protect ‘what God has joined together’ with all the creativity and passion we can pour into it.” We agree! Dr Dobson continues, “This is done (in part) by taking time for romantic activities despite pressing obligations and over-committed schedules.”

Take 22 Minutes

What it comes down to is that if we don’t take and make the time to spend quality time together, we’ll lose out big time. We’ll still have all the demands life can dump upon us. But our relationship with each other will eventually erode to the point where there will be little left.

“A funny thing happens when couples take time to gaze into each other’s eyes. They talk about things that might otherwise be lost in the shuffle—small happenings, big dreams, tough problems, silly stuff, feelings—things that matter, things that don’t. This together time (quiet talks, shared silences and candid moments) molds a marriage into what couples dream of when they say their vows.” (Candy Abbott)

So, what can we do if we’re over-committed, timewise, and stretched financially? How can we carve out time to be together? Well, we came across something a few years ago in a magazine article that has been highly successful. It’s something we found that gives us some “quality” date time. It’s called the “22 Minute Date.”

This was based on an experiment that was conducted with a number of couples who were “happily married.” But they said they needed a “boost” in their relationship. Can you relate? Here’s how it worked:

22 Minutes to a Better Marriage

The couples agreed to take the time they might have spent watching a television sitcom a day (22 minutes when you subtract the commercials) and instead, talk.

•  They were to make eye contact and converse with no children present.

•  There was to be no radio in the background and of course, no TV. Also, there was to be no meal going on at the time and no doing dishes.

•  They were told to turn on the answering machine (or ignore the phone).

•  They were to focus on what’s positive in their lives. This wasn’t the time to bring up past hurts.

•  They were to do this for one month.

At the end of the month the couples said this was more rewarding for their relationship than they had ever dreamed possible. They also admitted that it seemed awkward at first. And they found that they were looking at the clock a lot. But after a while they began enjoying the time and found the 22 minutes flew by. (We have sometimes found this to be true in our own “22 minute” dating times.)

22 Minutes to Reconnect

We believe one of the tragedies in marriages today is that many couples talk “at” each other without listening to what the other person is truly saying. However, we’ve found the 22 Minute Date a great way to re-connect and begin to set the lifestyle pattern to listen to each other.

So now, what we’re asking of you is to “try it —you may like it.”

To make this easier on you, we want you to know there are some wonderful resources available, designed to be “conversation starters.” One of them has been a small book titled, Creative Conversation Starters for Couples. It has questions aimed at helping you to connect (or re-connect) with each other. It works best if each of you answers the same question.

So, here are some starter questions for you that came from this book. They are ones you can use on some of your 22-minute dates (both the husband and wife are to answer the same question).

Conversation Starters:

• What was the most memorable date we ever had?

•  If you and I went on a date together and we had [very little money] to spend, what would you like to do?

•  In what ways are you different from your parents and siblings?

• In what ways do you think our parents’ marriages have affected our own?

• If you could have the autograph of any living person in the world, whom would you choose?

• What are your 3 greatest strengths? What do you feel are my 3 greatest strengths?

• In your opinion, what are the five most important things a man needs to understand about a woman and her needs? … How about visa versa?

• If you could personally witness any event in history, which one would you choose?

• How can we make our marriage more of a true partnership?

Stop and Start Again

Keep in mind that you don’t have to tackle all of these in one sitting. Just stop when you need to, and start up again where you left off the next time.

We also have many more lists of questions posted on our web site in the Communication Tools topic. In all of this, remember:

“Be imitators of God therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.“ (Ephesians 5:1-2)

Steve and Cindy

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

ALSO:

If you are not a subscriber to the Marriage Insights (emailed out weekly)
and you would like to receive them directly, click onto the following:

Print Post