As a believing wife and mother who had an affair several years ago, I want to warn others that if they first yield to mental adultery, it could easily take them the whole way down the wrong road. If there’s time to be alone with the other man, the two of you will most likely confess your struggles to each other. After allowing wrong thoughts, this is the most dangerous step to take.
If he is a fellow believer, you will say you must conquer this thing together in prayer. You’ll feel such a tenderness toward each other that you’ll need to express your affection with warm embraces and “holy kisses.” It is a short road from there to the point where you allow yourself the pleasure of more and more sensual temptations. Finally, you quit trying to resist.
If you’re truly a believer who is used to enjoying fellowship with God, you are in for a lot of misery. You’ll long to go back to the time when you could sing, “I Love you, Lord” and mean it. You will cry over songs like “He Is Lord,” knowing that now He is not Lord of your life. You will become unable to give testimonies or share with other believers on anything but a surface level. You will be unable to concentrate on anything else. Then, to cover your sin, you’ll lie.
At the same time, you’ll be involved in a passionate, romantic relationship. You’ll feel beautiful and part of life will seem wonderful. While you know it’s sinful, you’ll find yourself helplessly in love and enjoying part of it.
Eventually the two of you will talk of ways to end the relationship. You may even take some very painful steps. You’ll feel like you’re going through a divorce without being able to tell anyone. The pain is so strong, and the pull is so strong, that these steps will not last long. The longer it all goes on, the more a part of each other’s lives you become, and the more you’ll have stored in your memory. You’ll realize how much easier it would have been to stop it all at the “thoughts” stage. You would give anything to go back and do it all over differently.
You will have lost your relationship with the Lord. And you’ll realize you’ve also lost your relationship with your husband. Either you’ll go through the rest of your life keeping something from him or you’ll eventually confess it to him and destroy him in the process.
Your memories will be your worst enemies. You will both cherish them and hate them. You will long for the days when your husband’s lovemaking was the only way you knew, when certain scents, songs, clothes, places, and words did not stab you with reminders. In the strongest way I can say it, you’ll be sorry, sorry, sorry. Yielding to the excitement will never be worth what you have to reap.
I’m not suggesting that a person who has had an affair must live in bondage and condemnation forever. Yes, God can bring spiritual and marital healing, even of the painful memories. But it will be hard.
If you’ve already yielded and know it must stop, take the risk of praying, “Lord, do whatever you have to do to make me willing to stop.” Then be prepared for what He brings. In my case, it was an unplanned pregnancy. I had to confess to my husband. Years later, we’re still working through it.
All of this did not start or end overnight. It was gradual. It starts with thoughts. And those wrong thoughts should be avoided at all cost.
(The above testimony was written by a woman named Jeanette.)
Another woman, Kathy, shared how she had to change jobs and move to another city to get away from an extramarital relationship.
“It all started with what I thought were some harmless thoughts. It ended with me praying and praying that God would take away my feelings for this man. I became angry with Him that He didn’t. I took me a long time to realize that you can’t always expect God to bail you out of a situation you lived yourself into.”
The above testimonies can be found in the book Sexual Intimacy in Marriage
(USA) I have been having feelings for a man for a year and 4 months now. I have prayed constantly and read the Word and remained faithful at church. I have never "yielded to the excitement" as the above article mentions. I have fought this thing on every level, but I have been unable to find deliverance from the thoughts and feelings. I can identify with all the emotions portrayed in this article, just not with the point of becoming physical or verbalizing my feelings to the man who constantly haunts my mind.
This all stole up on my blind side. I was not being slack in my walk with God; on the contrary, I was experiencing great things in faith when suddenly out of no where this wave crashed upon the deck on my bark and swept me out to sea.
True, my husband had been emotionally, physically, and sexually silent toward me for about 2 1/2 years leading up to this. I was so in need of attention that this man’s kind actions, friendly demeanor, and lustful eyes threw me off balance. I’m not making excuses, just being honest. Only on one occasion was there any physical contact–a brief embrace. When I told my husband about this, it actually brought him to his senses, and he has changed completely. He treats me with tenderness and desire and I am totally in love with him! This change has continued now for over 6 months and I am so happy with the way things are going at home.
So why, oh why, can I not get rid of these feelings?!?!? I do not want them. I pray against them. I have tried in every way to put them to rest, but whenever I lay eyes on this man, which can be as often as twice a week or as seldom as once a month, all the feelings and thoughts come swirling back. Even when I don’t see him for weeks at a time, I never can completely forget him. I am sick and tired of this battle, but I must not give up.
God has been more than good to me, and has not withdrawn His precious presence from me. He speaks to me and sends me help constantly through His Word, through the preaching and teaching at church, through songs, and through other people, but my guilt nearly drives me insane at time.
I have done all the steps mentioned in the "Getting Unhooked…" article on this site. I’m at a loss for anything new to try. I’m open to suggestions, if anyone has anything to offer.
(USA) I do not know for sure but it seems to me that maybe the guilt is what is holding you bondage. I’m sure that God has forgiven you but Satan knows if he can riddle us with guilt then he still keeps a stronghold on us. Work with God so He can free you from the guilt and the other things will probably disappear as well. God Bless.
(USA) Bless your heart Mae. It certainly appears like you’re doing the right things to get these feelings behind you. I have to say that I’m so proud of you. As your Christian sister I pray for you — that you will eventually get to the place where you will see reward for the work you are putting in.
It’s like with so many spiritual battles, they aren’t won in our timing. Sometimes the enemy of our faith is relentless in working against us and the battle takes longer to win that we ever imagined. This is one of those times that you need to keep leaning upon the Lord and doing the right thing with the knowledge that the Lord will help you to win the battle. After all, it’s HIS battle to win. Our part is to participate and cooperate in the process.
Sometimes a day seems like a thousand to us when we are struggling, but do all you can to hang on. I know with everything within me that as you keep drawing close to the Lord and denying the enemy entry… eventually you will find relief.
And there will be a day when you will be SO glad you persevered, despite the darkness that you are experiencing. I’ve been there quite a few times with battles I’ve had to persevere through despite the length of time it has taken to see victory. I encourage you NOT to give up! It is truly worth it!
(USA) Since my husband started travelling for business about 7 years ago he began to drink, eventually every night. Then after work on Friday’s he would go to a bar with friends. One night about 3 years ago he came late home drunk and puking. I threw a fit and accussed him of being with someone else. He told me he would stop going to the bar (which he did)….he had done nothing wrong and he was with no one else. He also said he would stop travelling. But, if I did not stop accusing, he would leave me.
About 3 months later he started travelling again. (Miami, this time) He has literally traveled all over the world. Then in 2011, he went to Miami over spring break. I called him on his last night there. It was obvious he was drunk. When he came home the next day he was still hungover. I went through his wallet and found receipts to places he should have never been. Not strip clubs, but close. (These places are suppossedly not like the websites or their facebook pages.)
At first his response was “I never thought I’d get caught” Then…”it wasn’t that bad, married couples were there” I said stop drinking, I can’t do this any more. At first, he didn’t. Soon, he repented. But now, I find myself on anti-depressants and angry, crying or sad most of the time. I do not trust him. I do not trust what he has (or hasn’t done) on these trips.
This is a Christian man that lived like he wanted to for 6 years. When I tried to talk about it I got shut down. Now that he has finally stopped drinking, I finally allowed myself to feel the pain, rejection, distrust and hurt I had been denying. As we are close to the anniversary of when it all blew up, I found myself coming close to booking a trip to Miami for spring break this year, to see what these places are really like.
He has changed, but I am still having a difficult time. We have been married for 30 years. Should I go to Miami? I don’t know if I want to reassure myself that he “is” telling the truth, or punish him. Part of me thinks if I go, it will put and end to my suspicions. Another part thinks I just want him to feel part of the pain I have felt. I really do love him, I just can’t seem to completely trust him again, or get past the pain and not knowing for sure.(: