Marriage Missions International Help
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I am glad I found this site. I live with my boyfriend and my 2 teenage children who are very independent. He has a 17 year old daughter. She spends few days every other week sometimes, other times she skips few weeks. My boyfriend and I have a very loving relationship. He separated from his ex after a long and difficult realtionship, however on mutual understanding. Their separation has been by in large drama free. He opted to move out after months of living in separate rooms in their house.
When she visits I make sure she has private time and space with her dad. I’m a caring person by nature, I do everything possible to keep her happy or help out when she visits. She usually has highs and lows, I don’t let that bother me justifying it as teenage mood swings. She has some emotional issues for sometime before she met me. She also suffers from depression/anxiety, has been on medication for sometime.
I sometimes feel he doesn’t set boundaries, perhaps feels sorry how the divorce may affect her. She has been complaining to her mother and therapist that she doesn’t like my personality, my kind gestures etc, seemingly looking for all sorts of excuses in my personality. There is nothing tangible or concrete she can point out that I have done to upset her or affect her. When we found out her complaints, we tried to work with her, to clear up any misunderstanding. She pointed out to her dad yet again more issues she didn’t like about me. When she found out that I knew about her complaints, she decided to ignore her father, including not coming to our home. She says she wants to see him alone. Taking all into account, my impression is she wants to control her dad and manipulate the situation, and/or she wants me out of her dad’s life. My boyfriend acknowledges I have bent forwards and backwards to accommodate her. He is torn between his daughter and me. I know we have great connection and love.
The reality is, it is tearing our relation apart. She is an only child and my boyfriend wants to do everything possible to keep her happy, to keep a heathy relationship like most parents do for their child. He tries to find all sorts of reasons to explain her behavior, sometimes blaming himself for how she is feeling. The emotional toll on me is tremendous, I am growing more and more frustrated and insecure in our relationship. My therapist and other parents who had similar experience say, it’s teenage manipulation, control and jealousy. I am trying my best to appreciate her predicament, the impact of divorce on her life etc. while I am trying to be compassionate, I can’t justify her behavior, making up stories about me. She wants me to change my personality, and that is out of the question. I believe in respect and accommodating and Do No Harm.
I love my boyfriend, we had long term plans and goals until this all unraveled. The future is bleak, I am growing more frustrated and stressed, I am doing my best to cope or end the realtionship.
I appreciate to hear others if they had similar experience and how they coped.
Terri, This is a difficult situation to say the least. I can’t really give you much as far as advice because this is a marriage web site. And although I sympathize with you (from what I read, you are a very compassionate, lovely lady), I just don’t know what to tell you as far as giving advice. But I can tell you that what you are experiencing is just a foretaste of things to come from your boyfriend’s daughter, should you marry. It will amp up in intensity. She isn’t being logical, nor is she seeing any other side other than not wanting you in her dad’s life. You’re in a no-win situation. So unless you’re willing to keep swallowing situations like what you have already experienced, you’re in for a real fight. And usually, it’s a losing one.
I wish I could be more optimistic for you, but I’ve seen this pattern over and over again. If you marry, this will be what will keep happening, only more so. It’s just the way it is… it’s tough, no doubt. I pray God works within your situation to bring Truth to light and guides you to make the best decisions in this situation. I pray better for you than this, and hope you are able to find hope beyond the darkness you are now living in… hope that the Lord can give.
Cindy, Thanks for your kind words.