Quotes dealing with parents Dollar PhotoThe following are quotes from various resources. They deal with the subject of dealing with parents. This especially centers on the area of emotionally leaving your family of origin and cleaving together to form a new family with your spouse. We pray that these quotes minister to your situation.

Quotes on Dealing with Parents

• With the life mate decision, you’re not only marrying a person of the opposite sex, you’re determining: your future mother-in-law, and your future father-in-law. Additionally, you’re determining your children’s grandparents. Plus you’re deciding your children’s other parent. You’re determining your future nieces and nephews, and all of the rest of your in-laws. Also, it determines where you, and your children will likely spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays for the next fifty plus years. The success or failure of your marriage impacts a lot of people. Communicate honestly and clearly on these issues. Your extended family for generations to come will be influenced by your decisions. (Bobb and Cheryl Biehl, from the book, “Getting to Really Know Your Life-Mate-to-Be”)

One of the most underestimated influences on your new marriage is your family. When most couples marry today they assume that their marriage is between two people who want to become one.

In reality, it is two people and two families that are coming together to form a new merger. You will leave your father and mother so you can cleave and become one. However, as you will see in the years ahead, your family’s impact on your new family must not be minimized. It must rather, be understood and planned for. (Dennis Rainey, Preparing for Marriage)

As an In Law:

•  “If your son or daughter has married, overnight you have become a mother-in-law or a father-in-law. What do you do now? Let’s start with the basics. As parents of married children, we must now view them as adults. We must never again impose our will upon them; we must respect them as equals. Oh, for some of us that’s hard. We have been parents for so long, and we think we know what is best for them. We want so much to tell them what they should do. Resist the urge. If you maintain the parent-child mode of operation, you will become a ‘thorn in their flesh.’ You may find your son or daughter pulling away from you or your son – or daughter-in-law becoming hostile.

Rule #1 for in-laws is to treat the young couple as adults. You have reared them to be independent: now let them experience their independence.” (Gary Chapman) (From “The One Love Language Minute Devotional” – June 17)

Making a Declaration

• Alan and Lauri were leaving the church following the reception. Alan’s mother came rushing out with a formal looking piece of paper and a pen in her hand. “I know you’re eager to leave. And I want you to,” she said. “But this is so important. It will take just a minute. Alan, I need your signature on this form. I’ve already signed it.” Alan looked puzzled. But he took the paper, quickly read it. And then with a big smile he signed it. He handed it back to his mother. His mother then gave the form to Lauri. With moist eyes and a friendly smile she said, “Lauri, this paper belongs to you —and so does Alan.

“I used to be the Number One woman in Alan’s life. I’ll always be his mother. But this is my declaration that I’m transferring the position of being Number One woman to you. This is a signed certificate gives this position to you. Plus it is my announcement to Alan. I want to be sure that he understands this change. Have a wonderful honeymoon. I love you both.” With that, Alan’s mother turned and walked away with both Lauri and Alan smiling. But now the tears were in their eyes. This was a wedding gift. What do you think the first 5 years were like for this couple? (Norman Wright, from the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage”)

Setting Boundaries:

As you’re getting started in your new life, it’s imperative that you and your husband —not your parents —set the guidelines and boundaries. These are ones that will be most supportive of your marriage in the long run. But get ready. Making these adjustments will most likely be more challenging for you than it will be for your husband. (Susan Devries, Bobbie Wolgemuth, from the book: The Most Important Year in a Woman’s Life)

• If parents need to be confronted or informed, agree that their own child —not the son-or daughter-in-law —will do the talking. Protecting your marriage is a priority. The newest addition to the family doesn’t need another reason to be dissected by the in-laws. Each spouse needs to know that he or she will be protected by the other. This is so even if the husband and wife disagree and the in-laws are meddlesome. (Sandra Lunberg, from book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• To limit confusion and minimize conflicts, it works best if each of you is the primary spokesperson to your own parents when it comes to working out differences. Also remember to keep your relationship with each set of parents separate and positive. Avoid making comparisons. One set of parents does not need to know everything the other is doing. This includes how much time you spend with them or what they buy for you. (Ingrid Lawrenz, from the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

• “Ease your relatives into the realization that the two of you now are answerable to each other and that it’s important for you and your partner to be in accord. Be humane rather than harsh and divisive.” (Toni Sciarra Poynter, from: “From This Day Forward”)

Getting Along With In Laws

Learning to get along with each other’s family is a gift you each give the other. It may be the most valuable gift you give or receive during your marriage. It affects the two of you now. But later it will have a big impact on your children. Grandparents are very important, and the two of you are the gate through which the families have to pass to have a relationship with your children. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)

What you say and do now in relation to your in-laws (and parents) will set the tone for years to come. Getting off to a good start is very important. This is because it is difficult to undo the first impression. Go slow and listen more than talk. Different families have different ways to show love, affection, approval, etc. (Steve and Kathy Beirne)

• One daughter-in-law related how she tried for twenty years to relate to her mother-in-law. But she never felt accepted or respected. After twenty years, her mother-in-law finally began to come around. And today they have a pleasant relationship. If you are the daughter-in-law struggling with a mother-in-law who is totally different from you, you can help build mutual respect. Just remember what you do have in common. You both love your spouse. Look for other things you have in common. You may be surprised by what you find. Remember that whatever your differences, you both love the same person. Concentrate on what you have in common, not on areas where you disagree. (David and Claudia Arp, from “The Complete Marriage Book”) 

Reassuring

I wrote a book called The Best Gift You Can Give Your Parents. In it I told the story of a couple and the practical way of reassuring the mom that needed the reassurance. She needed to know that she was going to be loved. Her adult daughter was not withdrawing from the relationship. This young lady wrote a tribute to her mom and dad. She and her husband then gave it to them in a frame. It was a reminder of all they’d done right. Then the husband turned to the parents. He said, “There are some boundaries that we need to establish around our marriage for the good health of our relationship.”

He then began to lay them out very clearly. They were not presented in a hurtful way. They came out of the flow of the honor given to those adult parents. As a result, the daughter was released by her mother and her father to become her own mother, wife and woman. The parents began to back off, realizing that what they were doing was unhealthy.

But it took the courage of both the husband and the wife going to the parents and establishing the boundaries. I believe in these situations, it is the husband who must step forward. They can do it as a team. But many times it takes that husband stepping in. This is because the daughter has been manipulated for so many years. She needs someone who is objective, who has prayed over it. They will go with the spirit of Jesus Christ to bring hope, healing and wholesome relationships to adult children with their parents. (Dennis Raine, from a Family Life Today radio interview, titled “Control Freak”)

New Spouse

• Newlyweds should always follow the golden rule in dealing with their in-laws. One reason is because if everything goes “right” one day, the newlyweds will also be parents-in-law. (Leah Shifrin Averick)

• Holiday visits: Often, there is blind defensive loyalty to one’s own family. For that reason, a new spouse can be seen as a critical intruder. So begin by frankly acknowledging each family’s traditions and desires. One family might view Christmas as a major reunion that lasts several days —and nights. A spouse who is accustomed to a different style of celebration might prefer instead to split up the time between the two families. It would be easy to read a new son-or-daughter-in-law’s departure from the “norm” as a rejection of the time-honored tradition. So it’s crucial to prepare your family for some changes. Offer an explanation so your spouse won’t come across as the “bad guy.” (Ingrid Lawrenz, from the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

“Within every new family, there are many issues of ‘intentional togetherness,'” says Bryan Brook [Ph.D., author and couples counselor]. None, perhaps, is as highly charged as holiday time. But you probably know that already. What you may not know is why that is so. It turns out that holiday pressures go way beyond shopping. It goes beyond who’s cooking what and what time to show up. They have to do with exaggerated feelings. “Because we’re supposed to feel more love” during certain times or days of the year, Brook explains, the tension would already be apparent, than on any given non-holiday day. And then, if the love doesn’t magically multiply —a couple may wonder, “What’s wrong with this picture?” There may not actually be nothing wrong at all. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)

Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. However, don’t hesitate to turn to parents for help if serious problems arise. These include drug, alcohol or physical abuse. (Ingrid Lawrenz, from the Marriage Partnership article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

• Tugs from the in-laws may not seem as intrusive when each knows that he’s “Number One” with the other spouse. The bond grows between husband and wife when each considers the other’s needs and wishes before those of anyone else. Indeed the Bible directs, “Therefore shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife.” (Genesis 2:24) Establishing this “baseline” is perhaps the most important step in heading off in-law conflict. (Leah Shifrin Averick)

• 1. “Leave  —This indicates that in a family there are two types of relationships. The parent-child relationship is the temporary one. There will be a ‘leaving.’ The husband-wife relationship is the permanent one. (‘Let not man put asunder‘ —Matthew 19:6.) Problems occur in family life when these two roles are reversed and the parent-child relationship is treated as the primary relationship. When an adult child has married and this parent-child relationship remains primary, the newly-formed union is seriously threatened.

2. “Cleave —the Hebrew word translated ‘cleave’ refers to 1) the pursuing hard after someone else. It also means 2) being glued or stuck to something/someone. So a man is to pursue hard after his wife after the marriage has occurred. (The courtship should not end with the wedding vows!) He is to be ‘stuck to her like glue.’ This cleaving indicates such closeness that there should be no closer relationship than that between the two spouses. It is not to occur with with any former friend or with any parent.

3. “And they shall become one flesh. Marriage takes two individuals and creates a new single entity. There is to be such sharing and oneness in every aspect. (This includes the physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, etc.) The resulting unity can then be best described as ‘one flesh.’ When there is greater sharing and emotional support gained from a continuing parent-child relationship than from the husband-wife relationship, the oneness within the marriage is being seriously threatened. And it is un-biblical.” (Lin Burgess, from the Tellinitlikeitis.net article, “What Does it Mean to ‘Leave and Cleave’ in Traditional Wedding Vows?”

Maggie Scarf points out in her book Intimate Partners, that when couples marry, they must set about redefining themselves in line with their new visions of themselves. They are to be in line with their different definitions of reality. This does not happen neatly in the first week or month of marriage. This is especially true when you’ve got in-laws mixed into the melange.

“Each member of the pair,” Scarf writes, “has come into the marriage with a different autobiography. The specific family cultures from which they spring have impressed certain ideas and beliefs into their psyches. The major struggle, in the early phase of marriage, is about what the themes of their new, jointly scripted scenario will be.” The minor struggles, meanwhile, are the day-to-day dealings about casting aside parts of the past. It’s about deciding what you call your in-laws: Mom? Dad? Or do you dare to use their first names? The unofficial rule: If you’re comfortable enough ask them. Chances are you’ll be able to call them Mom and Dad. (Curtis Pesmen, from the book: Your First Year of Marriage)

• After each receives the mate God has provided, the next step for the husband and wife is to join forces. The Bible’s word for this is cleave. This literally means to stick together like glue in a permanent bond. As the melodrama of God’s presentation of Eve to Adam comes to a close, the scripture says, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife. And they will become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24)

Cleaving is not just about sex, although the beautiful act of sexual intercourse certainly illustrates the physical aspect of becoming “one flesh.” Cleaving is much more. Another good word for it is commitment. It’s a total lifelong decision to stick together physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Without question, it’s a challenge for both spouses to accept all the differences in each other when they marry. But this is God’s plan. In spite of the things in your mate that repel, He wants you to receive and cleave. And the result is a partnership of exponential strength and awesome potential. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)

• Being “one flesh” with someone [is] primarily a Hebrew way of saying one family, flesh and blood. The union of marriage is not an alliance of families, with each partner representing a previous set of priorities and loyalties. No, and this was and remains quite radical. Marriage is a union that dissolves the old bonds. It dissolves the old loyalties, and the old priorities. It creates one new family, with all that entails. There is to be one new set of priorities, and one new set of fundamental loyalties. (Michael Lawrence, from the Boundless.org article, “Sex Is Not About Waiting”)

• In at least one aspect, marriage is like football. In a close game, the winning team is usually the one that made the most significant adjustments in strategy along the way. That’s what effective coaches do at halftime. They give their players the key adjustments that will gain them the advantage in the final quarters. A winning marriage requires the same mind-set. A husband and wife need to recognize that surprises requiring proactive adjustments await them in their relationship. (Dennis and Barbara Rainey, from the book, Starting Your Marriage Right)

• I have seen adult sons move out of their homes and marry without really leaving. To leave involves far more than moving out. It means to be physically, emotionally and financially independent from one’s parents, rather than retaining any vestige of dependence upon them. Of course, it must be recognized that when dependency remains, it may be because of either the adult child’s or the parents’ desires. It’s interesting to note that there are two factors, which sociologists have identified as being highly significant to the success of a marriage. They are whether people have emotionally separated from their parents in a healthy way, and whether they have had an opportunity to live on their own by themselves before they married. If both of these conditions existed, they have a better opportunity for a successful marriage. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• If your spouse gets his or her emotional needs met in his or her relationship with parents instead of with you, there’s a problem. You may even feel as if your spouse is having an affair. Sometimes this problem begins when a wife feels frustrated over her husband’s seeming lack of interest in conversing about her day. So she starts talking with her parents instead. Sometimes the husband is the frustrated one. It’s common for mother and son to have long or frequent conversations that leave the wife feeling ignored. Neither scenario is appropriate. Respect for each other is the key. In this situation, respect might require that the spouse maintaining an overly close relationship with his or her parents will decrease that contact in order to show love for the spouse.

…This is not to suggest that children and parents should cut off their relationship under the guise of leaving and cleaving. But your primary human relationship now is with your spouse, not your parents. Your commitment to God comes first. Then you bond to your spouse, and then to any children you might have. You bond then to your family of origin, and then to extended family and friends. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

However committed a couple may be to a marriage as a permanent bond, it may have a certain tenuousness to it simply because of it’s newness. For many, this is a time of tension between loyalties. And if the parent-child bond was strong and healthy, the attachment to parents may feel stronger than the attachment to the new spouse. This can make the separation painful for both the parents and the adult child. Part of the tension can be accentuated by the choice between which family pattern to follow. Is it to “your family’s or my family’s?” Building the new marriage must take center stage, especially during the first year of marriage. (Norm Wright, from the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage”)

• Often new husbands and wives assume they’ll be loved and accepted by in-laws on the merit of having married the in-laws’ child. This may be the case. But it usually takes time to establish trust and respect. Just as it takes time to build other close relationships, gaining acceptance into a family doesn’t happen instantly. After all, you’re stepping into a family with a long history of established bonds. Don’t be too hard on yourself and expect too much.

If your relationship with your own parents is wonderful, the one with your mother- and father-in-law may never measure up. If your relationship with your parents isn’t good, you may be too needy and demanding in trying to make up for it. The number-one factor in resolving problems of acceptance by in-laws is your spouse’s support. As with all close relationships, it’s an art to support your spouse without jumping into the fight or feeding his or her discontent. (Romie Hurley, an author of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

The responsibility of married couples to each other involves a total commitment. This means literally “forsaking all others.” This not only includes in-laws and parents, but friends. It includes fishing companions, tennis cronies and so on, for the sake of the marriage. When a husband and wife marry, they commit themselves to the task of building a good and enriching marriage. We don’t usually make lifetime commitments to friends or business associates, but only to our spouses.

Joseph and Lois Bird suggest: “If the relationship with parents, friends, or relatives —their visits, actions, or influence —has a negative effect on our relationship with the one person to whom we have committed ourselves, we can make no rational choice other than to curtail —or even terminate —contacts with our parents (or others). The responsibility rests on each one of us. If necessary we may have to take steps, which could alienate our parents. And they may be deeply hurt.” This advice isn’t intended to hurt anyone, least of all one’s parents or friends. It’s simply a matter of priorities. It’s a matter of making choices for the marriage, not against anyone. (Norm Wright, from the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage”)

• It is scary to confront someone who you love deeply, realizing that they will hurt. One of the things I’ve learned, is that when we are overly controlling, what’s at the root of that is a high level of anxiety. Anxiety is underneath and, of course, this mom is anxious. She’s afraid of losing her daughter. She cares so deeply, so she’s afraid of having no meaning in her life. Maybe the only thing that meant anything to her was being a mom. And now she sees a chance through this grandson to extend that meaning again and recapture some of that joy she felt.

And so if this daughter can find a way to say, “You won’t lose me. You will not lose this grandchild if you can find a way to respect this relationship. If you’ll allow our marriage to thrive, you’ll have us in your life, only we’ll be choosing it. You won’t have to push yourself into our life.” (Dr Les Parrott, from radio interview on Family Life Today program, titled “Control Freak.”)

When you married and established a new home, you departed from your old ways. You didn’t leave your first home in terms of love or communication. But you did leave in terms of authority and priority. The most important human relationship now is the one you have with your husband or wife. More than that, your marriage is a living, breathing institution. It has a life of its own. It’s a covenant that is a symbol of God’s love for the church, His body of believers in Jesus Christ. (Dr Randy Carlson)

• In-law problems in general suggest that unfinished business —incompleted passages —lie in the background. Keep in mind that this is a broad generalization. Severe in-law friction indicates a cross-generational problem that, if not resolved, will fester in the present generation. Plus they will infect the next ones. (From the book, Passages of Marriage by Minirith, Newman and Hemfelt)

• Cutting the cord between mother and son is a process that has to be relived from time to time. (From the book, “The Other Woman in Your Marriage” by Norman Wright)

• Setting up your own household doesn’t mean you must terminate the relationship with your parents. You’re to leave them, not forsake them or forgo all their influence. Their hard-won experience can still play a vital role in your lives. Consider the biblical examples of Naomi, the mother-in-law who had a beautiful relationship with her daughter-in-law Ruth. And recall Jethro, the father-in-law of Moses, who pulled him aside. He told him he was working himself to death. Taking his advice made Moses’ service to God much more effective. (Ed Young in The 10 Commandments of Marriage)

Not Accepted by In Law?

• When it comes to dealing with an in-law who doesn’t seem to accept you, here are the main principles to remember: • Learn to support your spouse without getting hooked into taking sides. • Encourage your spouse to share his or her feelings directly with you. Keep a sense of humor. • Show your spouse that he or she is number one in your eyes. • Don’t take things too personally. • Remember, building a relationship takes time. • Forgive, forgive, forgive. • Remember that you’re loving your spouse by honoring his or her parents.

One more idea: When confronted with what feels like a no-win situation involving an in-law, use the “drop the rope” theory. Imagine a rope, the kind used in tug-of-war. If you find yourself provoked, see that rope in your hands. You can choose to continue yanking on it —or drop it. Dropping it may sound as though you’re giving in or giving up. But it’s actually very empowering. It’s also much more effective than tugging back and forth. (Romie Hurley, an author of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

• Try to be your spouse’s biggest fan. It’s not uncommon for parents to view an in-law as someone who has taken their “baby” away from them. If they hear about your mate’s every little failure, it’s only natural for them to want to take your side. (Ingrid Lawrenz, from Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “In-Law Tug-of-War”)

When Sue’s son began seriously dating a young woman, she was heartsick. This girl had a vastly different background that was in direct conflict with Sue’s family. Sue spent agonizing hours in prayer over the relationship. She hoped it wouldn’t progress to marriage. When it did, however, Sue resolutely pushed back her dismay. She welcomed the young woman into their family. “I willed myself to accept my daughter-in-law,” she said. “This is because my son had chosen her.” (Elizabeth Graham, from Marriage Partnership Magazine article, “The Other Woman”)

Cutting the Cord

• Biblically, husbands and wives are supposed to leave their parents’ family unit to start a family unit of their own. There may have been a period of time when both of them were single and on their own. But they were still considered part of their primary family unit. Once they’re married, however, they form their own independent primary unit. They become one with their spouse. This is similar to the process of a mother who carries her child to term. She is feeding and caring for him or her by way of an attached umbilical cord. The moment that child is born, the umbilical cord is cut. This makes the infant an independent-though-still-interdependent being. That child now eats his or her own food, breathes his or her own air, and eliminates his or her own waste, independent of the mother.

God has created the family structure to evolve this way, too. Once a child is married, the umbilical cord of a dependent existence is cut. Unfortunately, many in-laws have a tough time with this. This is because, in their minds, their child is still their “baby.” But a baby that stays connected to the mother can never develop and will eventually die. This is why a child is called an offspring. One day that child is intended to “spring off” into his or her own independent existence. In-laws can pray for their married children and encourage and love them. But they must beware of attempts to reconnect the umbilical cord of dependence. Thus, they tragically interfere with God’s plan for the married couple’s oneness. It’s a oneness, which characterizes His own relationships with His Bride, the church. (Frank and Bunny Wilson, from the book, “The Master’s Degree”)

Don’t Be Tied to Parents

• One of the most common reasons some in-laws smother a marriage is because they feel like they have a right to. Where would such an idea come from, you ask? Usually from a financial string that keeps them tightly tied to you. So if you’re feeling smothered, it may be because you haven’t yet unhooked yourself financially. The indebtedness may not be only financial. It could be that you’re relying on Mom and Dad for regular child care because it’s convenient and cheap. However this kind of favor isn’t always as “cheap” as you might think. So consider why your in-laws might feel that they have a right to meddle in your marriage. And then do something to change it. (Drs Les and Leslie Parrott, from the book, “Questions Couples Ask”)

Don’t Involve Parents in a Fight

• It’s a common story. After a fight with his or her mate, a spouse goes “home to mother” or calls the parents on the phone and spills the details. This is detrimental to a marriage. It communicates disrespect to your spouse. Plus, it makes it hard for the parents to maintain a healthy relationship with him or her. Even if you and your spouse reconcile after your argument, family members may not know that. They might carry that memory of the fight you had. They may have a hard time believing that everything is okay. And so they remain suspicious of your partner.

Expecting parents to referee your conflicts isn’t realistic or wise. It would be hard for them to be objective about your marriage. The best thing they can do when you come to them in the midst of an argument is to send you home to work it out. One exception would be conflict that involves violence. Getting to safety is the first priority. Taking time to be apart and see your parents can give you an opportunity to think and establish a plan to repair the marriage. It’s not helpful to just go home to Mom and Dad to vent, however. (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)

No Interference

• The number one rule [in marriage] is that the husband and wife are the center of the home. They are not to allow anyone —not an in-law, friend, or child —to come between the two of them. Their oneness is the seed from which the entire plant of unity blossoms. Therefore, it is likely that they will be the first to come. All attacks are not overt. Some are covert. They appear quite innocent on the surface. But they are dangerous. These covert attacks may involve attempts by friends and in-laws to influence the decisions that are made in your house for your family. Always inform people who offer advice that you will discuss their ideas with your spouse. And then, together, you’ll make a decision. (Frank and Bunny Wilson, from the book, “The Master’s Degree”)

Caring for Aging Parents

• When you’re forced to make a difficult decision, pray about it. Seek counsel. And then make the decision without regrets. It’s important to count the cost of any option. John Gillies points this out as he explains how he and his wife cared for two aging parents. “Home care is a glorious proposition. But it is costly. It’s costly in dollars and cents and in energy and life-style.” Sometimes the best option is to move parents into your home. Other times it may be more important to provide additional care. It may even require remodeling or renovating the home in which they’ve lived, to allow them to remain there.

Whatever decision you make, trust God to guide you as you seek His wisdom. And be sure to avoid the traps of guilt and second-guessing. A woman from California wrote to Ann Landers: “After my father died, my brothers and I knew that my mother would be unable to cope by herself in her big house. They discussed modifying their own homes to accommodate Mother. But I was very strong in my opposition to this. I told them there was no way Mother could live in my home without destroying my marriage. And I suspected the same was true for them.

Moving a Parent

They eventually agreed. So we moved Mother into a facility. There she could get more attention as her physical and mental abilities deteriorated. Guilt, you bet. Every time I visited her I felt guilty. Did she rub it in? Of course. “How can you make me live in a place like this?” she would ask. But after I left I knew that this was the best solution for a bad situation. Mother had better care in that facility than my family or I would ever have been able to provide.

I realize this may not be the best answer for everyone. But it was the best one for us. It was a tough decision but I’ve never regretted it.” Clearly this California woman’s decision was right for her. Whatever decision you make, make it with prayer. Make it with wise counsel, and a mind saturated with the principles of God’s Word. (Woodrow Kroll and Don Hawkins, from the book, Prime of Your Life)

Dealing with Aging Parents

• Whatever your situation with your aging parents, you need to build your own marriage now. Don’t wait until the future when you have less stress. So take the following 4 tips: (1) Deal with false guilt. You simply can’t be all things to all people. Remember, you can do what you can do. And that’s all you can do. (2) Don’t feel responsible for what you can’t control. Anxiety tends to appear when we feel responsible for things we can’t control. So remember the prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” You may even want to make a list of what you can do and can’t do.

(3) Get advice from others. Older friends have been a great source of information for us. Observe those with healthy extended family relationships. Ask questions. Read books. Do whatever you can to gather helpful information. (4) Get a life. Whatever your situation with your aging parents, you need a life of your own. And your marriage needs maintenance, especially in these stressful years. (From the book, “The Second Half of Marriage” by David and Claudia Arp)