The following are “Surviving Infidelity” Web Site Links and Resource descriptions that deal with surviving the damage that can occur because of extra marital affairs and infidelity. We pray you will find them to be helpful.
Web Site Links
• Affairrecovery.com This web site offers hope, support, and recovery for couples and individuals who have suffered the pain resulting from infidelity, betrayal, or sexual addiction. The Affair Recovery Center is a partnership of counseling professionals dedicated to the restoration of marriages crippled by infidelity. Their community includes couples who have experienced reconciliation and renewal. Some of the services they offer are: individual counseling, affair recovery groups, free resources, seminars, on-line study courses, plus subscription —only services for in-depth resources and ongoing support.
• Beyondaffairs.com This is the web site for Beyond Affairs Network and Passionate Life Seminars which was founded by Anne and Brian Bercht who are authors, Seminar Speakers, and Relationship Coaches. This web site is dedicated to helping couples and individuals heal from the devastating pain of affairs and build even greater lives together. You can also sign up at this web site for a free e-mail newsletter.
As they say, “Whether you’re a betrayed spouse, the spouse who had an affair, or a friend, family member, or other professional who wants to help someone who is in the midst of an affair crisis, this newsletter will provide you with resources that can help.” They have a lot of helpful articles and information which could greatly benefit those who visit their web site.
• Dearpeggy.com This is the web site for Peggy Vaughan, who put together this web site to help people (both men and women) deal with the devastating impact of a spouse’s affair. The main reason for her commitment to this effort is that, as she said, “I’ve ‘been there’ myself —and know how it feels.” You will find a variety of different articles and links to additional web sites to help you as you deal with this difficult issue.
• Hopeandhealing.us Hope & Healing is a Christian based support ministry devoted entirely to helping couples who have experienced the heartache of adultery. It is led by couples who also have experienced this heartache, are still married and are committed to being the husbands and wives God intended them to be. Hope & Healing was founded and designed to support, encourage, offer hope and provide practical strategies for couples willing to grow through this crisis in their marriage.
• MarriageBuilders.com This is a great web site, featuring Dr Willard F. Harley, Jr. which has a whole section devoted to the subject of INFIDELITY and many other subjects on marriage. You will also be introduced to some of the best ways to overcome marital conflicts and some of the quickest ways to restore love. Dr. Harley has saved thousands of marriages from the pain of unresolved conflict and the disaster of divorce. His successful approach to building marriages can help you build yours. There’s even a “Discussion Forum” that you can use to ask questions.
And then there’s:
• Newlifepartners.org This is a Christian online resource and support group for women whose lives have been impacted by husbands or loved ones caught in the web of pornography and/or sexual addiction. On their web site you’ll find sharing, caring, love, hope, and prayer to help you daily walk out the Lord’s plan for your life. They’re not a counseling group. They have no paid counselors —they’re a peer support group.
This means that each of the ladies within NLP is going through something similar to what you may be experiencing. The resources available to NLP members include an email discussion forum, online chats, small group forums, Bible or book study groups and an annual retreat.Restore Are you wondering if there’s enough left to save in your relationship? Take the proven path to restoration after infidelity.
• Restoreus.net has a 10-part video series, put together by Dave Carder, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. This online video series is designed to walk you through the process of recovering from sexual betrayal and broken trust in your relationship. Through Restore, you will have the tools, clear direction, and exercises to stabilize your relationship so that you can make wise decisions that are supportive of your children and your possible future together.
• Retrouvaille.org (meaning “rediscovery and rhymes with pie) This is a program for couples with serious problems who are disillusioned, separated and/or on the brink of divorce. You’ll be helped by volunteer couples who have also “been to the brink” —who have experienced serious problems including affairs, alcoholism, gambling, violence, etc. or who have simply fallen out of love —but who have worked their way back. They’ll teach you how to fall back in love again and heal your own marriage and make it stronger than ever before.
• RonAndNancyAnderson.com This is the web site for Nancy Anderson who wrote the book “Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome.” She and her husband know what it is like to survive infidelity. They have been there and done that. You may also want to visit their blog at Joyfulmarriage.blogspot.com.
• Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome -Written by Nancy Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. As some reviewers have said —which we agree, “This is wisdom born of tragic but genuine experience. Because Nancy Anderson nearly ruined her marriage due to infidelity, she truly knows the misery that an affair can cause. Her honesty, vulnerability, and repentance provide marital lessons guaranteed to revitalize and strengthen couples who are susceptible to the lure of an affair. She does a terrific job telling her compelling U-turn story of rebellion, repentance, and restoration.
• Because I Said Forever: Embracing Hope in an Imperfect Marriage -by Deb Kalmbach and Heather Kopp, published by Multnomah Publishers. This book is one of my (Cindy’s) favorite books on the subject of marriage addressed specifically to women. It’s a compilation of true testimonies on various subjects of marriage lived out by different women who have and are living through some really tough situations and yet God has helped them to live victoriously despite the difficulties. The authors have done an excellent job of “applying biblical principles to the challenging issues involved in a difficult marriage.”
• Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage -Written by Dave Carder, published by Northfield Publishing. In this book, Dave Carder, counselor, author of the bestselling Torn Asunder, and a sought-after expert on issues of adultery, includes eye-opening stories, clinical insights, and up-to-date data. He reveals what adulterers learned the hard way —and want the rest of us to know. For example, every spouse has a “Dangerous Partner Profile” of the kind of person who tempts them. Close Calls should be on every church leader’s and marriage counselor’s required reading list.
• Godly Whispers: A 90-Day Devotional To Help You Recover From Your Spouses Affair, written by Marsha M Rozalaski, published by Marsha M Rozalaski. Did your spouse have an affair? Here you will find God’s deep love for you and His plan for your life and your marriage. With these devotionals you will be able to: – Face each new day with a renewed sense of hope. Also: Turn what you’re experiencing into God’s loving plan for your life. Plus, Turn your pain and devastation into a new course with a distinct path.
– Uncover new ways of prevailing in the face of devastation. – Feel God’s peace being poured out into your spirit – Feel wrapped by His love and carried by His arms. – Experience God’s wisdom and comfort by knowing He is listening – Heal your marriage through God’s loving plan.
• Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It -By Jerry Jenkins, published by Moody Press. There’s so much that needs to be said on this subject that Jerry says very well. We can’t emphasize enough the importance of taking this subject seriously. This newer edition (previously published under the title of “Hedges”) also comes complete with a Study Guide which will make the lessons personal. They’re designed for your own reflection or to talk them over with your spouse to help you to work through the different areas of your life that will need protective hedges put into place.
• Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage -by Meg Wilson, published by Kregel Publications. This is a TERRIFIC book for women who need to experience healing after finding out that adulterous sexual addiction has invaded their marriage. Not only does Meg, herself, greatly minister through her own personal experience, she also gives insight into the lives of several women and the journey they took to healing after finding out about their husband’s addiction and adulterous situations. The book also has sections after each chapter that can also be quite helpful. One of them is called “Path Lights” which contains related scriptures and quotes. And the other is called “Journaling.” It poses questions and thoughts to help women to process through this difficult journey through journaling.
• Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis -Written by Dr James Dobson, published by Multnomah Publishers. In this book, Dr. Dobson offers practical help for the spouse who wants to hold the marriage together. He shows how to rekindle romantic interest and draw the offending partner back home. Love Must Be Tough offers realistic hope. “Dr. Dobson’s premise of tough love, which essentially means defining and maintaining the line of respect around yourself, seems sound and practical. Applying it avoids the drawn-out, torturous emotions that go with living in a decaying relationship.
“Dobson makes the seemingly radical recommendation that people facing infidelity or other marital crisis of similar proportions precipitate a crisis to bring the situation to a boil. Dobson’s point is that the boil will very often restore the relationship. Precipitating the crisis shows your mettle, which commands respect and even admiration. This book is NO GUARANTEE that you will win your spouse or significant other back. But, like anything else, if you don’t do something you will more assuredly lose them anyway.”
• My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me -Written by Anne Bercht (with Brian Bercht and Danielle Bercht), published on-demand in cooperation with Trafford Publishing. In this book the author walks you through the painful ordeal she and her family experienced after she discovered that her husband Brian had betrayed her by committing adultery with another woman. You also read about the difficulty of having a spouse who moves out to begin a new life with the woman he betrayed her with, and the eventual painful process of reconciling and rebuilding a new marriage together.
Through it all, as Anne candidly reveals the emotional upheaval and anguish they experienced —you get a glimpse at to why she could eventually say her husband’s affair “became the best thing that ever happened to me.” She also walks you through anger issues, co-dependency issues, and many others that you could benefit from reading.
• Surviving an Affair -By Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, published by Fleming H. Revel. This book is a guide to understanding and surviving every aspect of infidelity —from the beginning of an affair through the restoration of the marriage. The authors Drs. Harley and Chalmers describe why affairs begin and end, how to end an affair, how to restore the marriage after the affair, how to manage resentment, and how to rebuild trust. It also guides you step-by-step from the devastating blow of infidelity to a loving and trusting marriage.
• The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage -Written by Michele Weiner Davis. It was published by Simon & Schuster. Although this book does not come from a “Christian” perspective, most of the principles presented are very solid. She teaches you how to identify specific marriage-saving goals, move beyond ineffective, hurtful ways of interacting, and become an expert on “doing what works.” Inspirational anecdotes and in-depth case studies show how couples have used these techniques to save their marriages, and how you can use these same techniques to rescue yours.
The author also offers solution-oriented strategies for readers to cope with infidelity, and midlife crises. And if you think you partner already has a foot out the door, this proven program is a recipe for change, even if only you participate. (NOTE: While we agree with about 95% of what this book presents, we do disagree with some of Michelle’s advice to couples who face an Internet Pornography problem. But, even so, we recommend this book to couples because the rest of the advice is very helpful.)
• Torn Asunder Workbook: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -written by Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.” We highly recommend getting this book! There are a couple of parts that especially stand out and set it apart from other resources. One in particular is titled: “When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want You Back: The 90-Day Experiment.”
• Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity -written by Gary and Mona Shriver, published by David C Cook. This is a terrific book! It’s written by a couple who have been through this horrible experience themselves. “More than ten years ago, Gary Shriver shocked his wife Mona, with a confession of his three year affair —as well as a one-night stand.” It devastated their marriage! After Gary’s confession they struggled to keep their marriage together with all the strength they could muster and the Lord’s very real help!
What we appreciate about this book is how honest they are in their writings. They are transparent they allow themselves to become as they diary the gut-wrenching struggle —each giving their own perspective during the healing process. This book is a great road map to follow to recovery!
25 responses to ““Surviving Infidelity” Links and Recommended Resources”
(CANADA) Almost over my wife’s year long affair 3 years ago. But I made the terrible mistake of turning to drugs and porn which hurt her just as bad as the pain I went through. We are still married and I’m very much in love with my wife, clean on both fronts but the damage is done. Through prayer and faith she won’t go through the gut wrenching pain I did.
(USA) 30 year marriage… at year 26, I discovered photos of children I learned he had DELIBERATELY with his adulteress of 14 years! She approached him when he was transferred. In a restaurant she agreed to be his mistress. He then hired her and she became his business partner… followed our family through several long distance moves… began to want a child. He gave in, bought her a house, a new luxury car, and new furnishings while moving our family into a smaller very run down home, while I homeschooled our three children thinking our downsizing was because of something at work.
She continues to get a double portion of what is legally required for support of now TWO children. He broke it off after I discovered this and has not had contact after there was ONE month more of lying and contact.
We are now four years out from D-Day …still daily pain and ‘discussions’ to try to get him to tell all …not forth coming …he still pretty much says “can’t remember’ or ‘what do you think …it was an ‘affair’!! He is sorrowful and angry at himself and wants this to be past …and move on.
Our adult children are solid in the Word …but this is a true BLOW. We had a no dating perspective on future mates. The vast overcoming here is in even trusting that there are ANY trustworthy men as my husband was a kind, caring person …or so I thought. This was HIGH TREASON that he was planning all of it with this stranger who was not just a co conspirator with full knowledge but she took every precious memory and made it her own.
He became vulnerable when he joined a corporation and was set up high at a young age …then the believers and the Lord and myself were no longer anything he wanted to be associated with. Our new baby and his mom’s death and all the aclaim from co workers led to lack of the renewed mind, lack of our couple identity among others, and lack of any kind of desire to make good decisions about the effects of ungodly associations.
He basically slide downward until he DOVE into adultery full on. All it took was one woman who was willing to do so, for the joy of it… like a married man was a better TROPHY than the one man she was on her way to live with in Paris at the time.
There is pain, and sorrow, and shock …even now. We are all in deep despair. It seem the longer FROM D-Day the MORE pain there is.
I have been most willing to see our marriage healed …but now it seems I finally get that he was willing to sacrifice ALL of his family …even his career and health because he wanted sex and this woman gave it to him in a season of marriage that was too hard for him. I feel that if a man will not allow his identity to change from a natural man to being a Christian …if he does not love Christ enough to endure the rejection of those who may not love Christ ..then he will not endure any of the identity changes from single man to married man. He did not love GOD enough to value Him. Why would he love a godly wife if something better happened along?
He basically lived his life as a single man and I bought the idea that he would come around as he matured, It didn’t happen.
A carnal man will only take advantage of a godly woman who submits …and does her best to live as a ‘meek and quiet’ submissive wife. He would not be accountable to ANYONE ..and I NOW recall his own mother telling me that she did not believe anyone had a RIGHT to tell anyone else about God …and his father demanded in my husband’s presence that I not speak anymore about Jesus in his house. And at that time my husband did not defend me. The length of our marriage he did not defend me but took the side of those who would ask him about my speaking up about Jesus Christ.
I tried throughout our marriage to obey the things that the Word said and to be a partner but he did not want to be a partner …no leaving of his heart as Genesis says …no cleaving to his wife …as he remained independent and asserted his right to privacy …and no openness [nakedness]. This is a deeper problem than I can deal with.
Speaking to him and bringing forth evidence that proves I loved him and tried to engage him in our lives, such as cards, notes, appreciations… only make him angry because one of his ‘reasons’ for infidelity that he told the other woman was that I did not care about him or sex, and that we had separate lives.
This was a fabrication and he created his own ‘need’ by disconnecting from me and our children while keeping his FRONT of a married family man when it suited him. I made all my time available to him …and followed the advice of my mother to make sure I supported him …gave him whatever made him happy …etc. NONE of it was any effect. NOW he is sorry but he will not open up.
The scriptures actually reveal what is IN a person when they are spoken or shined on them ….they make him angry. He is a proud man who says he “cannot be saved.” I think he just does not want to work for what he got so easily before.
The adulterous woman is like false doctrine. It ‘satisfies’ the appetite or rather KILLS the appetite for genuine relationship.
Sad here …limping along with a man who is not prone to change or being told anything ..and will not listen to anyone. I am tired..please do not display my email address…thank you
I cannot begin to tell you what reading this meant to me. Though the length of the affair is shorter (3 years only because she had enough and left him) this sounds almost identical to my life and my situation.
I left my wife of 40 years for a younger less educated white woman because the sex is great and I do not feel as if God is angry with me. After all He wants me to be happy. I spent a great deal of money to get this younger, white woman and I plan to keep her. I exercise, eat right, take my Viagra and testosterone pills and we are doing great! My ex-wife will survive the divorce even though we were married 40 years because people survive deaths and this is like a death. I feel no remorse for what I did. God is with me.
God is NOT with you, because, as you said, you feel no remorse for what you did. Claiming that God is with you while you are putting your wife through a sort of death like you admit is offensive and is your delusion.
Brodrick, I’m wondering if this is truly happening in your life, or if you’re just trying to post something to rile people up and then laugh at it afterward. Being on this side of your comment and not being able to see into your life, I don’t know. But in the slight possibility that you are for real, I’m going to respond to what you wrote, because it’s the right thing to do.
You may “feel” as if God is not angry with you right now. I can understand that. All of us at times rationalize and think that God would want us “to be happy” so He would allow us to do what we shouldn’t. But that’s not true. That’s creating God in our own image instead of God’s. All of what you wrote is absolutely contrary to everything that God shows Himself to be. If you read the Bible, you will see that God is more concerned with our character than He is our happiness. The character you are showing in this reveals a very conniving, toxic, and low-life character.
Even if you ARE “happy” right now, I can say without any doubt that you will not stay that way. Mark my words. You can’t sow seeds of unfaithfulness, breaking your marriage vows, bigotry, and treating someone else as you would property without eventually paying “a great deal” of a price –more than you realize right now. In this comment you are rationalizing spending “a great deal of money” in exchange for keeping someone as your convenient sex slave, or a prostitute, which essentially is what you describe –buying someone to do what you want. You know better than that. You know God would not put His stamp of approval on that. And if you don’t, you will. It will all catch up with you.
All I can say is wake up, and do the right thing by this woman and your wife, and especially your God or you will be horribly UNHAPPY some day, and rightly so. God will not be lied about and made to look like a liar in blessing this type of behavior. What you sow, you will reap… BIG TIME!
All I would say is Jeremiah 12. Just because it seems you are prospering today doesn’t mean the Lord will not have consequences for your choices to face in the future.
Broderick, I never knew anyone could be so blind and actually think God is with you. You are very lost and you should question your salvation!
Hi, my husband and I married right out of high school. I was saved at an early age but my husband was not. In short I rededicated my life within the first year of marriage. Fast forward 7 years and two kids later it came out of the closet that my husband had been cheating on and off for years with women totaling about 6 women. I made plans to leave him but in the midst I stopped and sought God instead if just reacting to the devastation. God tenderized my heart towards my husband and one evening supernaturally let me see my husband the way he saw him. I was led to write my husband a short note saying he wasn’t a bad person but a lost person and needed to know the Father through Christ. It ministered to his heart so much. He felt the love of God for the first time. He got saved and completely turned his life around. I knew God left the choice to me but my heart felt led to stay. Things were the best the ever were and I could see God did a miracle in our marriage and the past was the past.
Things were so good for about two years and then my husband slowly stopped attending church, reading his Bible and so forth. Four years later it felt like 6 years earlier all over again. I was begging him to not hang out at bars after work, not text and flirt with co workers and he thought I was just a nagging wife. Then finally Ivonne from his office asked him out. He declined but then later accepted or even asked her out. 2 weeks later they were in a full blown affair.
5 months later he confessed the affair and vowed that he realizes now why I stay connected in church, in my Bible, and with God and says he sees how he cannot abandon that relationship. I haven’t really agreed to stay or go and it’s been a few months. He has returned to church and is making efforts but I feel he should be building a mighty fortress from temptation by really digging in God’s word and I haven’t seen that yet. I know he was really only a practicing Christian for a short time before he backslid and did not have this foundation as a child but it concerns me. I feel like he should be indulging in the Word and teachings as much as possible.
I guess my real question is, does anyone have a testimony of a husband cheating, getting saved and then cheating again but then really staying close to God and making a real transformation in life and having a lasting testimony???I can only find testimonies on people cheating once and then they recover but I forgave once and he did it again by saying he got blinded and lost by not staying close to God. Help me please!
Sydney, a prayer for you and your marriage: Father, Bless Sydney for her sweet spirit and caring heart that is seeking to follow after You! Strengthen her and give her a steadfast peace and calm that permeates her soul. Give her discernment in great measure. Give her wise words from You, as she speaks. Use her sweet witness and her words to minister to her husband. Let them penetrate him in a supernatural way that causes him to fully turn towards You in his life. Restore their marriage relationship and make it a bright and shining light in this world for Your Glory. For You are the Creator of all, You knew us all from before we existed, and You have great plans for our lives. You are the Great Healer, and can heal any disease of our body, soul, mind, or spirit in the blink of an eye! We believe in Your Great Power with all that we are! I ask You now, to bring Your healing touch upon Sydney’s husband, upon Sydney, and upon their marriage relationship! May it be so, in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus! Amen!
Sydney, I’m just not sure. I’m sure those testimonies are out there. But I’m also sure there are more that fall into temptation over and over and over again. It’s difficult to know how to advise you. You can’t keep having your heart torn apart by serial cheating. But only you and God can figure out if your husband is a serial cheater, or if he actually will break the cycle. He can if he sees that he is addicted to flirtatious situations with women, and he needs to put things into place to stop this “need” that he has that is leading him to cheating on you, and on God. If he’s still flirting with other women, then probably he doesn’t get it. Can you imagine Jesus flirting with women other than his wife, if he was married?
I absolutely love your heart and your commitment to the Lord and to your husband. How I wish there were more women like you! But also make sure that you aren’t being so quick to accept your husband’s “repentance” that you close your eyes and enable him to keep getting back into the cheating saddle again. Giving forgiveness and grace is what we are supposed to do. But we’re also supposed to confront sin, and “speak the truth in love.” God has boundaries where He says, “go no further” when it comes to certain limits. Does He forgive when we ask? Yes. But does He close His eyes to expecting our behavior to change according to our words of repentance? No. He expects our walk to support our talk.
If you are going to stay in your marriage (which I hope you will be able to), you need to ask more of him than embracing him (which is good, but not the only thing you should do). He needs to join you in building hedges into his life so he doesn’t “fall” again into temptation. We have several articles (with links to others) that could help you in this mission at: https://marriagemissions.com/category/emotional-physical-affair/.
I pray wisdom for you to do what you believe God would have you do. My heart certainly goes out to you. I pray God leads you. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Thirty one years ago my husband walked out on me with no warning. He had been talking constantly about a woman he worked with and when I questioned him about her, he always said it was just friendship. He was also acting angry and hateful to me, criticizing my clothing and housekeeping. When he told me he was leaving, he blamed me for everything, saying that we spent too much time with my family and I accepted all the blame but he said maybe we should just divorce and he still left. I even helped him pack his belongings up and helped him move in with his parents (he had never been able to drive because of a birth defect in his eyes and was legally blind). We did spend a lot of time with my family but he always seemed to enjoy it and never mentioned anything or indicated that it bothered him prior to this.
He was cruel and told me that I was getting what I deserved and I believed him. He was only gone for 4 days and then called me and told me that he was ready to come home. I accepted him back with open arms, made changes in the amount of time we spent with my family, and bent over backwards trying to be the good wife that he said I wasn’t. He had also been telling his coworkers, family, and friends what a horrible wife I was. For several months after he returned home, he wouldn’t tell me that he loved me. Every time I told him that I loved him, all he would do is look away and say “I know”. After about 6 months, everything seemed to return to normal and he expressed his love for me often. Not once did I ever question his fidelity.
Fast forward about 15 years during which our marriage was happy or so I thought. He began to act angry and distant again. Then he got involved with a false religion (I won’t say what but it isn’t biblical or scriptural. I am a born again Christian). It changed everything about our marriage, our lives, and our family life. When our daughter and I tried to talk to him about it, he would get angry and refuse to discuss it. He just shut us out of his life and ignored us. Our daughter was only 9 years old at the time and she didn’t understand why the Daddy she loved and adored just shut her out of his life. He had always been a wonderful father to her before and they were very close.
Many years passed by and we were just two people living in the same house. Finally, I approached him and asked him if we could work on our relationship even if we couldn’t agree on our religious beliefs. He agreed and for 3 years I tried so hard to improve our relationship. I suggested things that we might enjoy doing together and he would agree but nothing ever materialized. After 3 years of nothing changing, I was so miserable and unhappy that I told him I didn’t know if we should be married anymore because our lives had gone in such different directions and we never spent any time together. He became very upset (sad) but still nothing changed. He remained cold and distant for another year or so. By this time, I had lost all hope of anything ever changing. When he came home from work one day, for once, he asked what was wrong with me. I told him “Us” and that he had been acting the same way he did when he was talking about the woman he worked with and when he had left me many years ago.He finally admitted that they had kissed. I was hurt and angry, cried and prayed for 3 days but I was ready to forgive him for that.
I asked him if anything else happened and he said no but acted odd. When I thought back to the time when he had left me, I thought that he was attracted to this woman but nothing more. I trusted him blindly. Three days later something else came to light. I questioned him again and this time he admitted that they had a one night stand. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I began crying and he got angry, accusing me of being unforgiving. I asked him to leave but he said he didn’t have anywhere to go so I allowed him to stay (big mistake). There was no remorse or apology at all just accusations of how unforgiving I was. Imagine finding this out after 28 years had passed. In retrospect, all of the warning signs were there at that time and I was too stupid and trusting to see them.
We went to 3 different marriage counselors over the next 18 months but nothing got resolved and then I found out something else. I found a great deal of correspondence on Facebook between him and yet another woman he worked with. There was one conversation between them that was particularly hurtful. He posted that that there came a time in life when you walk away from people and forget the bad and life was too short to be anything but happy. She was twice married and divorced and in so many words, she suggested that maybe he could do the same. That’s when he replied “I have 3 doors, a front, a side, and a backdoor and all three could hit him in the backside LOL”. Everything was LOL. Then she went on to tell him that he could do what she had done, to keep making his bedtime earlier and earlier (to avoid me). His response was “Now you know my secret”. I felt physically ill because they were mocking me. The pain was so severe, I didn’t think I would ever stop crying. I questioned him about it and he told me I was being paranoid and unreasonable. He said this was also just friendship and he must have been aggravated with me about something at that time.
After more questioning, he said that he stopped correspondence with her on Facebook because she was getting too interested in HIM but admitted that he had been complaining about me to her. He also admitted to doing this with the first woman. When he walked out everything was all my fault, then it all became the first woman’s fault because she was an evil seductress. Now everything is this second woman’s fault. He never accepts responsibility or accountability for his actions. Everything is always someone else’s fault. I saw an attorney and all the counselors said at the very least, it was an emotional affair but he adamantly denies it. This occurred 7 years ago. Some reading this may say because these things happened years ago that I should forgive him and let it go. Well, it doesn’t work that way. It’s actually worse than finding it out within a reasonable period of time after it happens because you realize how much you’ve been lied to, lied about, and deceived. The fact that he could so easily lie to me and deceive me for that many years is frightening. Not that he would physically harm me but to spend that many years of your life with someone and not really know them at all.
I should also mention that my parents gave our daughter a very large sum of money when she was a baby. It was entrusted to him for safekeeping and was supposed to help her with expenses when she started college. He took all of the money without even discussing it with any of us and now it’s all gone. He claims he invested it and lost all of it but can’t give me any proof of that. If that’s what he really did with it, my issue with that is he didn’t see anything wrong with taking money that belonged to our daughter and not talking with us about it. The money was gone for about 4 years before we even knew it. I also forgot to mention that he admitted that he used me and my family as an excuse to leave me all those years ago. He says he loves me but I wonder if he’s just trying at all because he’s older (67) and has had some health problems.
I can’t get past any of this. It’s been a little over 3 years since all this came to light and it’s only worse for me. I live in alternating pain, sadness, anger, and regret every day of my life. The problem is I don’t feel the same way about him anymore because everything has changed for me. I feel used and he took away all my choices by lying to me and keeping me in the dark for all these years. That is a despicable thing to do when you make bad choices and deny your spouse theirs. Other than our daughter, I wouldn’t have chosen to spend even one moment of my life with him. Counseling is useless and he isn’t willing to discuss the emotional affair or even to let me express my hurt and pain. I pray and cry out to our Heavenly Father every day. Because of time, age (almost 60) health problems, and circumstances beyond my control, I’m probably stuck in this marriage. I worked for many years but haven’t worked in about 20 years to be a stay at home mom. I’ve applied for various jobs but no one wants to hire someone my age who hasn’t worked in so many years and the job opportunities aren’t that great in my area.
I feel so helpless and powerless. Most days it’s a struggle to get out of bed. I’m on an antidepressant but it doesn’t help. I’m just supposed to forgive and forget that this stuff ever happened. His solution to everything is to sweep it under the rug and the problems will just go away. Always running to other women, getting involved in their personal problems, encouraging them, but he won’t even comfort me when I’m crying and upset. Sorry this is so lengthy. My question is: Has anyone out there ever been through anything similar (finding out about affairs that happened so long ago, 31years and 7 years ago,respectively) or do you know of anyone else who’s been through this? How did they work it out or get it resolved if they were forced to stay in a marriage they no longer wanted to be in? I don’t trust him and there’s nothing he can ever do to regain my trust again. There’s been too many years of lying, deceit, and betrayals. Having the emotional affair and making jokes about leaving me again with another woman on a social media site was the last straw for me. Please help. I’m desperate.
Dear Anonymous, Your joy & peace has been stolen form you in all those years by satan and it caused you all sicknesses. Regardless of how the pain came through, you have allowed it in your life. I believe you need to make a turnaround for the sake of your health, claim back your joy and peace from God. Your husband is not created to please you and his stand with God is up-to him.
Jesus Christ came to give us life in abundance and you are not enjoying that free gift because you want your husband to provide for you. This man doesn’t owe you any explanations for all his choices but you owe it to yourself to take back what is yours in the kingdom of God: Righteousness, Peace and Joy in the Holy Ghost.
The greatest counseling you need is fellowship with the Body of Christ (Church), reading the Word of God and also praying for yourself to come out of the trap of the enemy. I pray that your spiritual eyes should be opened through the Holy Spirit to see that you belong in your situation.
I totally agree! This is so well said… definitely prompted by the Lord. I was going to write the same thing. I’m so glad to see this affirmation and agree with every fiber within me. I will write more directly to Anonymous, but thank you Khanyisa for sharing what you did. We should allow no one to take us down so we are living in a joyless prison of emotional dependence upon someone who is acting in such a toxic way. God bless.
Thank you, Khanyisa. I needed to hear your words of wisdom and I know that they came from the Holy Spirit. I have allowed Satan, the enemy, to control me and steal my joy and peace. I totally agree with you about everything but one thing. Marriages are supposed to represent Jesus Christ and the Church and when you marry someone, you become one flesh. I do feel that he should give me some explanations for his choices because he has broken my trust so many times and if you don’t have trust, you really can’t have a marriage. However, I have allowed myself to be consumed with all of these trials and my focus has been on that and I’ve drifted away from the only One who really matters.
After I read your reply, I sat down and prayed, asking God to forgive me for that and then I asked Him to set me free from this prison of darkness that I allowed myself to be trapped in. I also asked His Holy Spirit to speak to my heart and show me what Scriptures He would have me to read. He gently answered Psalm 62. I read it and I prayed through it, lifting my hands in worship and praise to Him. I also asked Him to take control and be the Lord of my life. I knew I was saved but I haven’t been allowing Him to be Lord of my life. Thank you for caring enough to speak the truth in love. I know that there will still be trials and rough days but I also know that He’ll be with me every step of the way. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Thank you again and may God bless you.
Dear Anonymous, How my heart goes out to you. No spouse should treat the other spouse this way. I can understand why this has hurt you so deeply. It would hurt anyone who expected more to come from their wedding vows than you have been getting. But what do you do at this point. It’s obvious that your husband is clueless as to the depth of pain he is causing and for some reason, he is acting as if he doesn’t care.
I have to say that I completely agree with the advice that Khanysih gave you. You have to NOT allow your husband take you down these horrible emotional trails. Yes, you should be able to expect more from a spouse–the person that made all kinds of promises to you on your wedding day. Vows are vows. They are supposed to hold for the rest of your life together. But obviously your husband saw them as temporary promises and he has since decided that those are not promises that he wants to live by at this point in your life together.
So I believe, for the sake of your sanity and so much more, you need to take your hopes off of your husband–thinking he will affirm you and be remorseful for hurting you. He seems to have a pattern of blame-shifting and looking at the speck in your eye instead of the beam in his own. Look to the Lord’s faithfulness. Look at Him to be your husband in the ways your husband won’t. Don’t be unkind to your husband –don’t lower your standards for treating another human being as you shouldn’t, but don’t put as much emotional dependence upon him. He isn’t resolved to live up to that responsibility.
Here is a link to an article that I believe you will find helpful: https://marriagemissions.com/rejected-how-do-i-cope/. Don’t allow yourself to keep putting your hopes upon your husband to change. He may or may not, although it isn’t likely without his making life-changing decisions. But put more dependence upon the Lord. God has a plan for your life and wants to give you His joy. It’s your strength, when you lean upon Him. Pray, read, glean, and see how God will help you to rebuild your emotional well-being. Remember that the enemy of our faith wants to keep you depressed and inward focused on your pain. God wants to give you life, and “give it more abundantly.” I pray for you that you will release the pain, give it to God, little by little. I have no doubt that as you do your strength and joy will be restored. May God bless you!
Thank you Cindy. I read both of your replies and I do agree with you and Khanyisa. As I told her, I have allowed the enemy to steal my joy and peace in the Lord. I’m sure you can read my reply to Khanyisa. I did feel more at peace and more hopeful than I have in a very long time after praying and truly focusing on Him. I know that there will be more rough days ahead, it won’t be resolved overnight but with God’s help I can overcome this prison of darkness and emotional dependency that I’ve allowed myself to be entrapped in. I haven’t had a chance to read the link you sent to me yet but I will. Thank you again for your words of encouragement and caring. May God bless you.
Thank you Karen. I’ve been in that dark place many times over the course of my life. It’s a natural place for human beings to go when they are hurt. But that doesn’t make it a good place to gravitate to… when we find ourselves there, we need to find a way to leave it. Praising God and thanking Him for the blessings I DO see helps. Praise music helps. Prayer helps, and so does busying ourselves with cleaning a closet and such so we don’t spend as much time in our pity party place.
Earlier, it was in my own marriage. I felt hopeless and it sure looked hopeless, but God… And that pause says it all. God worked in my marriage and in other family matters and other circumstances beyond what I could ask or think. He works in ways that are no less than amazing. Many of the circumstances didn’t change (although, eventually many, many did), but my hope was not grounded upon my circumstances. As a result, hope was restored. The change started within me and God ran with it.
I agree with you that we should try to confront our spouse with Truth. But that confrontation should be done as “truth in love” as God told us to do. A prayerful, softened approach helps. But if our spouse doesn’t respond in a healthy way, we have to let it go and give it to God. He is our spouse’s Holy Spirit, not us. And sometimes God is trying to work within them AND us at the same time (even though we don’t think we need the work as much as our spouse does). Keep walking to His Light. Read your Bible, put on praise music, read Christian books that will help you to grow, and surround yourself with affirming, godly people and God will turn your darkness into light. I have no doubt of that. Thank you for getting back to us. I’m sure that Khanyisa is blessed, just as I am to join you in praising God, thanking Him, praying for you, and trusting God along with you.
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11) … “The LORD is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.” (Psalm 145:18) … “To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 1:11-12)
Cindy, I read the article that you sent to me and I did find it very helpful. Thank you so much. It’s wonderful how God uses other Christians as vessels to fulfill His perfect will and plan for our lives. Other Christians had told me about the same thing but sometimes it takes coming from a total stranger to really get through. I have been too focused on marital problems and allowed that to break my fellowship with God. I am and will continue to spend more time with God in prayer and in His Holy Word. I know it won’t be easy and I’ll probably backslide again but I’ll keep on trusting in Him because I’m a continuous work in progress. Thank you for sharing your personal experience of how God helped you and thank you also for your kindness, caring, and prayers. I probably won’t post any more comments on here but may God bless you as He uses you as an instrument of His love and peace.
Thank you Karen for your kind words. Our trials may be different, but we have kindred hearts in the approaches we are called upon to live out, which will help us to live as God calls us to do. My love and prayers are with you. “As you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” (Colossians 2:6-7)
“May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One who calls you is faithful and He will do it. (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24)
My husband is cheating on me and I need mental help.
My wife left me in 1987 into 1988. Since we are married in 1980 someone called this the seven-year itch. To me it’s a 7-year blankety-blank excuse. She went and lived in a convent. I thought she was safe there. Eventually upon the urging of her parent’s she returned to me and during a love making session she had her crucifix on chain and revealed that she was unfaithful woth the crucifix stound her neck; she said five or six times it happened and another time; one time 5 to 6 unfaithful adulteries and I feel that hurts to this day sporadically.
I forgive intellectually but she revealed no details and I don’t think that’s fair personally; as a counselor myself I believe the party who does commit the sin against the spouse and actually against the Lord for breaking a vow and family that you value to them too. I believe the adulterer should take those betraying, evil sins, to the Lord and themselves because for telling the victim can lead to divorce. It is best made me to confess to another most important to our intercessor the Lord and let herself. I think this is a common mistake made by counselors, psychotherapists, priests, pastors, rabbis.,etc.
To this day while watching a TV show where it has adulterers to and it occurs or reading about it it gives me the chills. She’s a Christian today. I don’t think it would happen again today but it happened once before it could happen again. I forgave her but details were void; forgiveness includes reconciliation through which we did but you can’t forget; that’s always in the memory banks and you’re always going to see something in the paper, TV, movie, whatever – that flashes the nastiness back in your face. Any suggestions?
I just found out about my husband’s online affair again. He has been cheating off and on for 19 years. Every time he gets caught we fight, he threatens to leave and then he apologizes and I stay. Sometimes he just does online open and many times he meets and has sex with complete strangers.
When we are together we have a wonderful marriage. We talk and snuggle every night. We spend time as a family with the kids every day. Everyone thinks he is the best man ever. I’ve never told anyone of his affairs because I am so embarrassed and I don’t want to hurt him (as strange as that sounds). I realized today the part I struggle with the most is feeling so alone and like no one would ever understand why I stay.
I am sorry to hear this. Does he go to therapy? Personal questions, (not blaming you), do you 2 have regular sex? Ever considered role playing? Are kids around all the time? If yes, may need to send them to friends or family for the night. You be his mistress; meet at a motel room. Again, it’s not your fault.