Do you or your spouse find yourselves overly committed outside of your home? Do you have a hard time saying “no” to those outside the family who ask you to do things for which you really don’t have the time? If you do, you aren’t the only ones! It’s a common struggle.
We had a woman ask us what to do because her spouse was over-committed (especially at their church). He couldn’t seem to say, “no” to anyone else except her. She was lonely for her husband’s companionship. The following is an edited version of what I (Cindy) wrote. I hope it will help those of you who are also struggling with this dilemma. If you’re dealing with a wife who has taken on too many commitments, please change the pronouns to apply the advice given:
We want you to know that we sure understand what you’re going through because this is a problem we faced years ago ourselves. Actually, I was primarily the one who had the harder time saying “no” than did my husband Steve (although at times he had the same problem). The REAL problem was we had too many good choices open up to us, which is what your husband is facing.
Your husband is probably a wonderful person (which is why you fell in love with him in the first place). But he doesn’t fully comprehend the problems his saying “yes” to others is causing. That was my problem (and a dilemma others face in the same situation). Needs are great and many of us enjoy helping others, and see that we’re capable of doing a good job. But it’s important to note that when we say “yes” to meet someone else’s need we’re often saying “no” to meeting our family’s needs. Just because we CAN do something, it doesn’t mean we SHOULD do it.
From the Bible we can see (in Luke 10) that Jesus commended Mary over her sister Martha because she chose the “best.” They were both good choices to make: either feed and tend to those who needed it, or spend time sitting at the feet of Jesus. At that moment in time, sitting at Jesus’ feet, was the best choice. We’re faced with making good and “best” choices also.
Think about how many choices Jesus Christ had to make. He had throngs of people yanking at Him from every side to help them, and yet even HE took time to back away and spend time with His disciples, friends, and with His family —especially His Father. If Jesus could do that, then we need to take notice and practice that same kind of restraint in how we use our time, as well.
A healthy marriage takes an on-going intentionality in spending time together. We did so before marrying and that shouldn’t stop after the wedding. There is scripture that says, “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?” You can also look at it in another way: “What would it profit a man if he helps the whole world but loses his family because of it?” Spouses and children need more from us than just our “leftover” time.
Even though your husband is a great guy, he needs to see the bigger picture and get a backbone as Christ will give him if he asks for it, to say: “No —I wish I could —but I need to spend time with my family. I hope you understand, but my family needs me to be with them.”
Steve and I are no different. We have MORE than enough vying for our time. We have a HUGE marriage ministry God has given us. But we realize that we have to make our marriage a priority or we’d be hypocrites if we allow our own marriage to be sick while tending to everyone else’s marriages. That priority goes for EVERYONE —including you —not just those in marriage ministry.
If we fully grasp God’s love, it will permeate who we are so that we minister outside of our homes but especially WITHIN them. We’re told in the Bible that we are lights set on a hill for everyone to see. Our relationship as husband and wife should openly display God’s love as a beacon of hope to a world that desperately needs it. As others watch how we genuinely love each other, it just may cause them to want to know our “secret.” When we tell them that the love of God compels us to interact with each other as we do, they just may say, “Then I want to know your God better!”
Ephesians 5 (along with other scriptures) commissions men to be servant leaders in their homes. They’re to show love to their wives so obviously that their wives feel cherished by them to the same degree that the church is cherished by Christ Jesus (who gave His life for her). A wife should also be ministered to by their husband so that she feels “washed by the water of the Word” as it talks about in Ephesians. She won’t feel that way if her husband doesn’t spend the time to do the washing but instead uses the “Living Water” on everyone else but her.
It has taken Steve and me many years of frustration to “see” this. And still, we fall into the busy “trap” at times and go too far over-board. We then have to back up and walk in the right direction again. It’s not that we believe we’re to be joined at the hip. We both give each other grace and space to “spend” some of our energies beyond our home and beyond ourselves at times. It actually enriches our marriage. But we try to be prayerful and careful, in pacing ourselves so we don’t neglect helping to meet each other’s needs, which we believe to be a God-given mission.
Something that might help is an article we have posted in the “Married Men” topic of our web site. It’s titled, A Challenge for Men: What Will Be Your Legacy? I urge you to respectfully approach your husband with it. Don’t shove it in front of his face sneering, “You need to read this!” But rather approach him lovingly and respectfully, letting him know that you miss him and need more of him than he’s giving you, asking him to please read the article and pray about it and at some point, to talk together about your schedules. Hopefully, he’ll respond to your approach and will see that even though you perceive that he’s a wonderful man of God, you, as his wife, need more of his attention than you’re presently receiving.
(For the wife, the article, What Every Wife Should Know About Her Husband —posted in the “For Married Women” topic, may give the insight needed.)
There’s also a great little book that you might want to read. It’s by Pastor Andy Stanley and is titled, When Work and Family Collide
. It’s about men who are overcommitted (some of them are pastors and Christian workers who mean well but still “cheat” their families out of their time). We have a few short articles on our web site from this book that will give you a preview of some of the things he says in it. The articles are titled: When a Job Steals Time from the Marriage and Family, (posted in the “Assorted Marriage Problems” topic), and Why Some Spouses Give up (in the “Save My Marriage” section).
We have one more resource we’d like to share with you. Please watch the video clip below with Drs Les and Leslie Parrot, who are leading a small group discussion on the subject of “Your Time Starved Marriage,” which is part of a Bible Study they put together. The book is titled Your Time-Starved Marriage: How to Stay Connected at the Speed of Life
We hope this helps in some way. We all are challenged by busyness in one way or another. But what we say, “yes” to and “no” to, when given a choice, can make a HUGE difference in the health of our relationships. If you have too much going on, ask God to show you what you can cut back on… you may be surprised what He shows you. We have been when we’ve done asked.
Cindy and Steve Wright