Appreciating and Depreciating Each Other

Have you noticed a growing progression (or regression) within today’s marriages where we aren’t appreciating as much as we’re depreciating our spouses? We’ve definitely noticed it, and sadly, we confess that we’ve even fallen into that trap sometimes ourselves. Somehow the negatives quickly grab our attention to the point where they become the center of our attention. And then sadly, they do their nasty work to erase the positives from our minds. (Hmm! Can you think of anyone who would want to take down our marriages, seeing how they are a living picture of Christ’s love for His church?)

But we must resist the temptation! If we look beyond the blinding negatives, we’d probably see a lot of positives hidden away, deserving of even more of our recognition. We cannot allow the positives and appreciating each other to become a distant memory and park ourselves on the negatives. That is not God’s way and it shouldn’t be ours!

We love what Dave Willis said; it’s simple and it’s true, and it’s also important to keep in mind. He said, “In your marriage, be an encourager. The world has plenty of critics already.”

And we certainly don’t want to be like the “world”; just look at their divorce statistics. We’re told in the Bible to “Encourage one another and build one another up…” So, wouldn’t it make sense to start within our marriages? After all, we vowed before God that we would love, honor and cherish each other for the rest of our lives!

Appreciating, Hoping, and Believing

It’s important to note:

“In marriage, we are to be our spouse’s chief encourager. What is marriage if not a place to be encouraged and appreciated? Everyone needs spoken encouragement and appreciation, no matter how confident they seem. I can’t think of a better way to encourage each another than recognizing the Lord’s work in my spouse’s life. It is a gift and a blessing to my marriage that isn’t difficult to produce.” (Louise Bettelli)

So,

“Speak ‘life’ into your spouse through words of encouragement and appreciation. The word encourage means ‘to make courageous.’ When we speak encouraging words, we put courage into the other …we’re giving our spouse that extra energy—extra courage—to do something, to release untapped potential in some area of their life. ‘You’re going to have a great presentation.’ or ‘You’re handling that situation just fine.’” (Gary Smalley)

With this in mind, we want to share something from The Love Dare written by Stephen and Alex Kendrick. For those of you that CAN purchase the book, we highly recommend it. (If it’s possible, just go through the link provided here to do so. Amazon gives Marriage Missions a portion of their profits for any purchases made through this link. It helps to support this ministry.) There are many other principles they write about that we believe you would benefit from implementing in your marriage.

But for now, prayerfully consider the following (written by the Kendrick brothers), as it applies to your marriage:

The Appreciation Room

“In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It’s called the Appreciation Room. It’s where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place.

“On the walls are written kind words and phases describing the good attributes of your mate. These may include characteristics like ‘honest’ and ‘intelligent,’ or phrases like ‘diligent worker,’ ‘wonderful cook,’ or ‘beautiful eyes.’ They are things you’ve discovered about your husband or wife that have embedded themselves in your memory. When you think about these things, your appreciation for your spouse begins to increase. In fact, the more time you spend meditating on these positive attributes, the more grateful you are for your mate.

This supports the scriptures in Philippians 4:8-9 where it says:

“Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.“

But unfortunately, there is “another competing room nearby” that can cause problems. And it is:

The Depreciation Room

“Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. On its walls are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations. This room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband or wife. Their bad habits, hurtful words, and poor decisions are written in large letters that cover the walls from one end to the other.

“If you stay in this room long enough, you get depressed and start expressing things like, ‘My wife is so selfish.’ Or you say, ‘My husband can be such a jerk.’ Or maybe, ‘I think I married the wrong person.’

Spending too much time in the Depreciation Room causes our thoughts about our spouse to fester in a rotting direction. It’s the room where “people fall out of love” and even out of “like” for each other.

Depreciation Kills

The Kendrick brothers go on to say:

“… Spending time in the Depreciation Room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room and violent plans are schemed. The more time you spend in this place, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens with every second that ticks by.

“You may say, ‘But these things are true!‘ Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas that need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human. We have all sinned. but we have this unfortunate tendency to downplay our own negative attributes while putting our partner’s failures under a negative glass.

“Let’s get down to the real issue here. Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there. You must decide to stop running to this room and lingering there after every frustrating event in your relationship. It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage.”

Thinking Differently

As the authors go on to say, it is important to “start thinking differently” and to let “love lead your thoughts and your focus.” That’s so true!

We encourage you to ask the Lord to help you to be a spouse who “believes all things, and hopes all things.“ If you have a difficult marriage, where your “partner” does not return your actions of love, ask the Lord to show you how to lead in love and do what He shows you. Put your hope in God that He will bring good out of negative things that happen!

That doesn’t mean that you excuse, enable, or overlook inappropriate behavior, but make sure that whatever you do is motivated by the love that comes from God.

Turn from depreciating and begin, with intentionality, to look for what you can appreciate in your mate that will encourage him or her.

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.“ (Hebrews 10:23-24)

This takes intentionality and determination. But it can be done. If it wasn’t possible to do this, God wouldn’t tell us to do so!

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.“ (Colossians 3:12-14)

FYI:

We have a related article that we encourage you to read that can help you further on this issue:

• SPOUSE APPRECIATION AND DEPRECIATION

Cindy & Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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