The Assumption Trap in Marriage

Do you find yourself falling into the “assumption trap” when your spouse does or says something you don’t like? Do you:

“Ever catch yourself reading between the lines, filling in gaps with your own thoughts… only to find out you were way off?

“It’s so easy to assume, especially with someone you’re close to [like our husband or wife]! After all, when we know someone well, we start to feel like we can predict their every move or know their intentions without asking. But sometimes, these ‘guesses’ we make—these assumptions—can lead us down a tricky path. They can cloud moments, create invisible walls, or even start arguments that could have been avoided.” (Dionne Eleanor Reid – Relationship Coach)

Dione is right about this relationship “troublemaker”. Unfortunately, it’s a well-traveled road. As Alexa Elkington points out:

“All of us make assumptions in our relationships. These ‘educated guesses’ about what our spouses are thinking, feeling or doing may come from influences such as the media or what we’ve learned from family and friends. However, assuming we know where our partners stand — instead of taking time to ask them directly — is a bad habit that can damage and even destroy relationships.

“When you rely on your own assumptions, you’re labeling your own thoughts and impressions as facts. In reality, what you’re thinking may be very different from what your spouse thinks or believes.

“Assumptions actively block your partner from sharing his or her side of things. Your loved one will feel undervalued and unheard and may resent the actions you take since they’re not based on his or her reality.” (From the article, “5 Harmful Assumptions Couples Should NEVER Make”)

The Assumption Trap

Confession: Unfortunately, we fall into the assumption trap sometimes. When you’ve been married 53+ years it’s easy to think that you can assume more than you should. But that doesn’t make it right.

Just the other night we were arguing over this issue. One of us was pushing our assumptions onto the other without mercy. (We won’t say which one of us it was, because we’ve both been guilty of doing this at times.)

It’s “funny” that even though we know better than to do this, we fall into that trap anyway. Grrr!!! Fortunately, we caught ourselves, and reversed the unhealthy direction of our “conversation”. We paused, applied open-minded listening and talked through our problem until we were both satisfied.

Fortunately, we remembered several of the principles listed below. We encourage you to read through them as well to see what you can apply to your relationship when needed.

First, Debi Walter makes this important point:

“Assuming is not good because we cannot read our spouse’s mind. Even if the evidence points strongly in our direction–we must give them the benefit of the doubt until solidly proven otherwise. What makes assumptions so harmful is you rob your spouse of their voice. We’ve seen it happen countless times in counseling when one spouse shuts the other down not allowing them to share their perspective.

“Keep in mind that assumptions press charges with no regard for mercy. It isn’t from a loving heart that assumptions flow, but from a proud, condescending heart.” (From the article, “Assumptions and Disregard”)

When you “rob your spouse of their voice” you put them into a horribly frustrating place. And if they can’t have a voice with you, who else is there for them? Plus, who else would you want to be there for them?

And then:

Marriage mentor Lori Byerly suggests:

“Though it does take energy and effort to make room for the possibility of good, it’s much easier to assume bad and get offended. It takes a bit of self-control too. You have to pause and reorient your thoughts, consider other options, or ask a question.”

That’s also true! It’s important to be intentional in where we invest our energy.

Related to that point, Scott Kedersha wrote:

“Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Apply Proverbs 18:2 all day, every day. ‘Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.‘ Our world would be a much better place if we all learned and applied this verse. If I apply this, then I will ask questions instead of making assumptions.” (From the article, “50 Lessons I’ve Learned in My 50 Years of Life”)

When Tempted to Fall into the Assumption Trap

Stacy Lee, MA, LMFT suggests that we S.A.C. the assumptions, rather than fall into the assumption trap with our spouse:

1. Stop! Don’t blindly go with the feeling. Slow down the reactions, take a deep breath and acknowledge you may be wrong. You might be misunderstanding something.

2. Ask! Check in with your partner about what they meant. It can be as simple as “are you mad, because your tone sounds kinda angry?” or “Hey that felt a bit critical, did you mean it to?” or “We haven’t been spending time together, are you upset at me?”

3. Clarify! Take it one stop beyond the ask and let your partner know what happened in you “When I heard your quick reply, I thought you were mad because that is a tone that is really hard for me. Thanks for clarifying.” Or “It seems like you have been gone a lot and what has been happening in me is that you don’t want to spend time with me. Can we talk about this more?”

Also note:

“…If your assumption is right, that is ok, it’s hard and it might hurt, but it’s ok because then you know what kind of conversation you need to have with them and you can figure out if you need help to navigate it.” (From the article, The Dangerous Trap of Assumptions)

And then lastly, whenever possible:

“Assume the best. Practice giving each other the benefit of the doubt, since assuming the worst doesn’t help anyone. If your spouse offers to clean the kitchen, don’t assume it’s criticism. Instead, view it as an action designed to show love. Assume that criticism is meant to help rather than to put down. Assume that a sharp response reflects your spouse’s momentary state of irritability rather than a rejection of you as a person.” (Robert & Jeanette Lauer)

And that’s hard to do! We don’t know about you, but our minds can often gravitate towards making negative assumptions, rather than grace-giving ones. But keep in mind this important point:

“In Philippians 4:8 we’re told that when we think about our spouses, we should focus on: – whatever is true – whatever is noble – whatever is right – whatever is pure – whatever is lovely – whatever is admirable – whatever is excellent or praiseworthy. This calls you to take charge of your mind. You are to discipline it to dwell on the things about your spouse that are worthy of celebration.

“If, when you think about your spouse, you dwell on whatever is not honorable, whatever is distasteful, frustrating, shameful, and deserving of censure, don’t be surprised if you heart follows.” (Gary Thomas)

Again, that is so true. Work to keep your focus on God’s perspective in every matter that rises up in your relationship.

So, “Take charge of your mind” and focus on the good. Plus give the benefit of the doubt, grace, and mercy whenever possible, as much as possible.

We hope you will work on that marriage mission! And we will, as well.

Cindy & Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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