What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
To read through a Forum which comes from the 2-in-2-1.co.uk web site, please click onto the following:
• CHILD PRODUCED FROM AFFAIR WITH MARRIED MAN
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
522 responses to “When a Child is Born As a Result of Having an Affair”
I’m not married but will like to be one day. My boyfriend cheated on me and had a baby. Honestly, my heart and feelings are torn. I’m more upset about it because he still wants to be with me and accept this but I don’t want to. Everybody says the child is innocent but I don’t want to be dealing with a child. I won’t even look at him. On top of that the baby’s mom still calls, still texts, still makes her presence known.
We argue all the time because he tells me if he doesn’t respond, why I’m getting upset? I hate that I met him, to lie and cheat and act like you love me; this hurts. I don’t think I can ever accept that baby. My emotions are through the roof. I cry about this everyday. I pray that I can clean up my thoughts and learn to forgive. But it ruined how I look at love and being with anyone else. This is the worst thing to go through. This girl is happy to have a baby by him because they were sex partners way before he met me, and look what happened! I’m lost for words.
Bless your heart Trish. So sorry this has happened to you. I need to ask you though, why do you want to continue on in a relationship with him when he cheated on you? If you were married, that’s one thing. You would have cause to work on the marriage. But you aren’t married. You would be voluntarily walking into a marriage where you would be dealing with this mess for the rest of your life. And if he cheated on you once, what makes you think he won’t do it again? A good marriage is built on trust. Can you really trust him?
The other people are right and you’re right; it’s not the child’s fault. But again, you aren’t married to this person, so why do you have to deal with this other woman and this baby for the rest of your life? Do you really want to be the “middle” person for the rest of your life?
Yes, you need to get to a place where you forgive. God does require that. But that doesn’t mean that you have to reconcile. And it doesn’t mean that you have to commit yourself and sentence to carry this guy’s mess for the rest of your life. Those are entirely different steps. Please pray about all that I’m saying here. I can’t tell you what to do. But I can’t imagine that I would commit myself to this life sentence. And I can’t imagine that God is asking you to do this either. … Just saying. I pray that God gives you wisdom and strength to do what best here.
I am an adult child of an affair. Both my parents were married with kids to someone else and got together. I was raised by my mom and she married my stepdad. In my 20’s she told me about the affair and that somebody different was my biological parent. Wow! a bit of a shock but that was years ago.
What I want to learn about is why I was treated differently than all my siblings. The criticism was abundant, and often treated as not important. Jump ahead many years and my mom became very sick with cancer. Out comes her shame and guilt with me when she was sick. I would visit for about an hour a day and many times walked on eggshells so afraid to offend anyone.
Then one day she asked me to go home and not visit anymore. I was not wanted around. Three weeks later I saw her again before she passed away. I would sure like to know how to move on past the hurt of this horrible event. I should be free from the criticism but I am so hurt by the event.
Hi, my wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years and I recently found out that she had been unfaithful multiple times, with the last affair resulting in her pregnancy. Because she is repentant of her adultery, and because I am a born-again Christian, I have since decided to love her anyway and father a daughter that is not mine.
The pain level of my circumstance is genuine crucifixion, and some days I would prefer my physical body to be ignited with fire instead. All I know is that this is God’s will, and that I shall be rewarded in the Kingdom of God because I have been faithful to Him. So for those out there who are in a similar circumstance of Hosea, please take some time to breathe, and take comfort knowing that you are 100% not alone. Best, Robert