What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
Additional Help
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
Prayerfully Consider
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
(USA) Danielle, I am so glad that you are doing better. I still think of you. You are right God is good, all the time. As time passes, it gets better. There was a point that I thought the whole situation would never leave my mind, but day after day, it slowly consumed less and less of my thoughts. Keep praying; there is power in prayer. Your life may never be the same, but that does not mean it will be terrible. I will keep praying for you and your family. God bless you!
(USA) Danielle, Just checking on you, haven’t seen a post from you in a while. Just wanted you to know I am still praying and thinking of you.
My wife cheated and is 2 months pregnant with another man’s child. I was faithful to her, I sacraficed for her, was there for her through her health scare. I loved her. I was a great husband to her. I don’t understand how a woman can do this to a great husband.
So sorry man. All shall be well. Forgiveness is the first step. Take heart. Peace.
(USA) Is anyone paying child support but does not have visitation of the child? My husband had an affair that resulted in a son, and he pays child support, but we are not allowed to be a part of the child’s life.
My husband was very remorseful about the affair. It has been 4 1/2 years since the affair and I’m happy to say God has restored our marriage, but I still struggle with not being able to see the child. The mother is not nor ever has been a Christian (she actually made fun of us for praying and reading the Bible together when we were trying to work on our marriage) and has been very difficult. We did fight for visitation which she made us go all the way to a judge just to see him, but that only lasted till the child was 9 months old because she was becoming abusive. My husband’s breaking point for stopping the visitation was when she attacked my husband during an exchange and our lawyer didn’t do anything about it but told her lawyer it was a “misunderstanding.” The police wouldn’t do anything about it either because there were no witnesses.
My heart goes out to this child. I want him to know his father and brothers but the other woman hates myself and our family because my husband didn’t leave us for her. She has repeatedly said that my husband abandoned her and their child by not choosing her. She has vowed to ensure the child knows “exactly what his father is” and point blank told us that she will do everything to make sure my husband never has anything to do with the child. She won’t allow my us talk or see the child and has even returned birthday cards and gifts and demanded that we never send them again. My husband is a awesome father to our children and the other child is missing out on that.
She thinks that she is protecting the child by making sure he never knows his father, but she is actually hurting him all the more. Her favorite saying is my husband caused this and by sending him cards or birthday gifts that he is only hurting him all the more. What I want is for her to be civil and think about her son and what is best for him and that is knowing his father and allowing him to be a part of his life. She can’t see past her own hurt and her family only supports her views.
I don’t know how God wants to use this as part of our testimony because the first time I shared this situation with a woman at our church with who I was becoming good friends with (after almost a year of friendship) she put us down and condemed us for not being a part of the child’s life. She did apologize later for her hurtful words and I’ve forgiven her but the damage to the relationship was already done. I will say hi to her at church but that is the extend of our friendship.
My husband feels bad for the child but is okay with the situation because it means not having her constant abuse in our lives and trying to destroy our family. I pray that God will harden the child’s heart towards the negativity being told to him about our family and that he will forgive his father for not being a part of his life and that when he is an adult there can be restortation and we all can have a relationship with him.
(USA) I caught my wife of 12 years with her brother in law. It devastated me but I did not say anything. I think my second child is his. That has been 45 years ago, nothing said, we have had a good life together, but the older I get, the angry feeling continues to rise in me. Forgive? It is getting very had to control emotions especially when they come around for family functions and act like all is well and nothing happened.
(USA) Hey Amanda, I am ok but I have a lot of mixed emotions. A part of me wants to stay in the marriage. Then I feel that maybe we need to separate for a while because he is confused on what to do. He still is in the house but I just don’t know because he is still sneaking around her. Counseling has been ok but not a solution to the problem. We love each other and don’t want to let go of each other but I feel that he is not going to do the right thing for the marriage.
He say he wants me but he had feelings for her. I am asking myself if I can handle the situation. The baby is a girl and that is what I wanted to have. I just don’t know which way to go. I feel when the baby comes he really is going to spend time with this woman and the baby. Sometimes I feel that I need to get out now before baby is born. Like I said, he still is at home with my son and I but he keeps sneaking over there.
(USA) Danielle, I am so sorry to hear all of that. I still am praying for you and I wish you the best. Keep praying, God hears all of it and trust me, he is with you no matter which way the situation goes. You are a beautiful person on the inside, you are still trying and that is what matters. Even if your marriage does not work out, do not beat your self up thinking it is something you have done. I promise you God will bless you, even if you cannot see it right now. Please let me know if you need anything or anyone to talk to. I have been where you are, I know just how you are feeling. I will keep sending prayers up for you and your family. May God bless you!!!
Hello, your story is slightly similar to mine so I was reading your updates. The difference is he doesn’t want anything to do for her and never had any feelings towards her. However, it hasn’t been proven that he is the father so it has been agonizing. I don’t know her nor want to find her. I just want the court to order her to prove it’s his or not. He has already lost his job over this. He has nothing but the hopes of us making it only if she is not pregnant.
I was heartbroken that the happiness of my engagement only lasted 10 days. Then he suddenly changed and I didn’t know why. Turns out she found out about our engagement and claimed she is pregnant. I want all this to end, but I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself for the worst. We have been together for 6.5 yrs and he is the only man I have ever had true love feelings for. He will always be my best friend even if I lose him.
(USA) My name is Sarah. I am 25 years old and have been with my husband for 10 years.
Last year, I cheated on my husband a lot with two different men. I became pregnant and I am not sure who my child belongs to. I was so self destructive at the time. I was drinking a lot, abandoning my other two children and husband to hang out with friends and the man I was having a affair with. When I found out I was pregnant I changed completely. I stopped drinking and started spending every waking moment with my children and husband, but do the changes I’ve made matter. I am currently with my husband and living with this quilt everyday of not knowing the father of my child. I am scared to confess to him because there is so much at stake. I am afraid it will hurt my husband so badly, our marriage, and end in divorce. I am also afraid it will ruin the chances of my children growing up with both parents together and I am afraid my older children and husband will think or treat the baby differently. Should my family suffer for my mistakes? I am torn and lost on how to handle this situation. I do not want to tear my family apart, but I also do not want my husband to raise a child that doesn’t belong to him?
(USA) Sarah, I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. It won’t be because you tell your husband that any of those bad things happen, it is because you had the affairs. So not telling doesn’t undo that.
In addition, your husband is now living a lie. Every day he doesn’t know the truth about his marriage is a day he’s living that lie. He may not know the details, but I suspect he knows something is wrong. If you are so wracked with guilt that you are torn, that has to play out in your day to day life. The ONLY way to have any chance of healing this is to confess it and see where it goes.
He may forgive, he may be devastated and not want to remain married. He may go through a wide range of emotions as he catches up with you in terms of coming to grips with what you already know.
Your family is already suffering from your mistakes, and will continue to suffer as long as it’s kept a secret. The only hope of beginning to heal from your mistakes is to get them out in the open so the healing can begin. It is your husband’s right to know the truth about his marriage. And it’s the right of your children to have a father who has all the facts, who has the truth about his family so that he can make the best decision for him and his children. That may be with you, that may be with you out of the picture.
But it’s cruel to have this knowledge and not share it with someone you say you love and want to be with. The most loving thing you can do for your husband and children is come clean about your affairs.
Keeping secrets and lying is how all of us ended up on this blog. You need to be honest with your family. I’m the one who was cheated on and though I am fortunate to not be married or have any children, I am beyond devastated to have lost everything. The man I love, my trust, my dignity, my pride, my persona…all replaced with humiliation and depression.
God can forgive. You will have to make that decision and realize you may lose it all. The good thing is you have changed and want to still be married. I wonder if there is even the possibility that your husband is the father of the baby. It would be hard for him to love the baby and find out later that the baby is not his. Pray to God for guidance on what to do. If He has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself also. I cannot tell you what to do, but I know a family where the wife had an extramarital affair and their youngest daughter is not her husband’s biologically but is his legally so this child may be legally your husband’s since you are married. Confess to God and seek His will in this situation.
Ricky, I am 25. I have three children and I cheated on my husband and am now pregnant with another man’s baby. My husband knows as he bought me the test. But he said if I get an abortion we’ll stay married and if I don’t abort we’ll divorce. Here’s the thing, I’m against abortion but I don’t want to lose my husband and family.
I’ve started counseling and going to church. The father of the baby wants nothing to do with me but says he’s planning on doing whatever it takes to get full custody. Any advice from you or anyone else would be great. I asked God to forgive me. I don’t know if I can do an abortion but then I’ll lose my husband. How do I tell my family and friends?
Hi Melissa, I encourage you to please find a Crisis Pregnancy Center, located near you, so you can talk with one of the counselors there. I know of several CPC counselors and they are so kind, non-judgmental, and helpful to those who reach out to them. I believe they can greatly help you sort out this issue with your marriage and this baby. I’m so glad you are against abortion, and yet I realize that this truly puts you at war emotionally –especially because of your husband’s ultimatum to abort or else.
Please know that none of this is this baby’s fault. He or she did nothing to deserve a death sentence. I can’t help but think that if God didn’t want this baby to live, and if He didn’t have an ultimate plan to use him or her in a redeeming way some day, that you wouldn’t be pregnant. God can take even the worst of situations and bring good out of it, if we give it to Him and not take things and people (babies) into our own hands.
I don’t know what the future holds for you, and I certainly don’t want your marriage to fail, but this is not the way to save a marriage –by taking the life of another. It may be that your husband would stay with you if you terminate this child (or would eventually come back later if you don’t), but it may also be that he might eventually change his mind and leave anyway. That is uncertain. I’ve seen it happen before. It’s something you need to try to work with, given the enormity of his hurt. But something that IS certain is that if you abort this child, it will result in his or her death. That IS certain –the other is not. And you will have to live with that pain for the rest of your life. I know others who have done this to save their marriages, and they live with HUGE regrets over the abortion for the rest of their lives. This happened to my best friend. And to her dying day (she died of cancer several years ago) she had ENORMOUS regrets. I want to spare you this pain.
Please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly (and so does your husband), and the situation is so painful –especially when exposed to the light, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not. Wrong is still wrong. I believe with my whole heart that God is whispering in your conscience to choose life and to choose going in a right direction, rather than heaping additional wrong on top of past wrongs.
How do you tell family and friends? That will be difficult. But the CPC counselor can help you to figure that out, and more. I hope you will reach out to one to help you process through all of this. Going to a counselor for the rest is good, but this is a specialized issue that needs specific expertise in how to approach matters. These CPC counselors have seen it all and they are amazing at helping women sort through these types of crisis points, more than you can probably believe. Just put “Crisis Pregnancy Center” and then put the name of your city and state beside it in Google, and you will find a list of centers in your state. They may not call it CPC (some of them are named differently), but they all give GREAT counsel.
I pray for you Melissa. I pray for your husband, and for your marriage. I also pray for this child growing within you. May God minister to each of you in the ways in which you most need it. Please know that my heart is with each of you, and I have no doubt that God’s is, even more so. I wish you well.
(USA) My partner and I have been together for 5 years and we have a beautiful 2.5 year old son together. Throughout our relationship there have been many instances of him communicating with women on the internet and thru texts in a sexual manner. Everytime I found out I was devastated but I rationalized it by saying at least it wasn’t physical. There was so much good in our relationship I felt I should stay especially for the sake of our child. But the last time it happened a switch flipped for me, I was angry and hurt so I sought someone to make the pain go away. I met a man and had a 2 month relationship with him. I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant from my affair. The biological father wants nothing to do with the situation and told me to have an abortion which I could never do. My sons father wants us to stay together and raise the child as his own and has been incredibly supportive despite the circumstances. I am just worried that we are too damaged to be fixed. It is a horribly confusing situation and I feel so very lost.
(South Africa) Thank you all for this. I would like to discuss practical solutions to children/child born outside marriage and what happens now? How do you handle, the children? The OW? Your spouse who is in the middle of this mess, confused mostly because he never thought this far, and moving on. Do you communicate with her? Do you just leave the husband to bring the OW’s children? Do you leave yours to go to the OW? There are so many practical things (apart from paying maintenance) that we need advice on.
The emotional stuff I know. As women, we hurt, but God made us in such a weird and wonderful way, we cope, manage, and we move on. And with sadness in our hearts and tears every night, we smile and have no choice but to carry on. That is our strength. So with time, all emotions will be managed and we will carry on.
Now, the OW: I suggest no contact with her –let her wonder what is going on. Pray for her (yes I know, God says pray from those that persecute you) –she did when she moved on to have a child with your husband.
The children: Ask God to put love into your heart towards them. I would say prayerfully be good to them when you see them. If you are blessed not to have to live with them, treat them politely when they visit. Don’t ask anything about their mum. Don’t be drawn into anything they might tell the OW, and don’t try hard to please the husband –only God. If you have agreed to live with them… you are one forgiving woman, hat’s off to you. Now your journey of forgiveness begins. If you can love them as your own, you’re blessed. Anything less, please kindly ask if you can be excused from having to take on this responsibility. The Lord will still judge you if you mistreat them. You will accept and love them or you politely refuse.
The husband –Pray for him to see the error of his ways and for God to change him. You cannot, so if you’re still hurting, and if you think you can now prescribe how things should be… stop; you are cheating yourself. You cannot do anything about what happened or what he will do next. You either take him back knowing full well that total forgiveness means if he does it again -you will have to start (not counting the past). If you cannot do this (this is what the Bible says, then think carefully -don’t just accept him back because he promises ABC. Take him back if you want to… there are no guarantees, but consider a 2nd chance in love a blessing, and treat it as such. If you do, he will start to change.
Don’t take him back to punish/change him. He will just go back. Be willing to endure, to wait on the Lord, and ask God to transform you. To accept and move on, to love him as if he never hurt you. Otherwise you are lying to yourself.
I do not blame myself for my husband’s cheating etc. However, if I go back in time and I look at myself honestly… I would have left me too. I wasn’t the wife that I should have been.
In my situation, I see that the children are blameless, but I see them when I do. I don’t make an overly impressive determination to love them. I feed them when they come to my house, and he entertains all his children. I believe this is fair enough. He visits the OW, but the truth is she is going through what I went through, we all do in the end because for the most part we go through similar life situations. If only as women we could learn from each other and learn that hurting each other by having affairs with married men is not “living in peace” we would be so much better off.
My note to the OW –everyone will stand in front of God. You haven’t sinned against me –this is between you and your God.
Hi there. I have been married to my husband for a little over 3 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. Last year I found out that my husband had an affair while deployed overseas in 2012. We tried to make it work but I was unable to find closure because we never openly talked about it. Fast forward to March of this year, I go through his phone and find out he’s still been texting and calling this other woman. So I tell him to leave and file for divorce. He pleads to me to let him back home and that he’ll do anything to make it work. So I decide to put the divorce on hold and try. But I soon found out that he had been staying with the other woman because he had no where to sleep, and now she’s pregnant.
I was devastated. He has since then apologized numerous times and wants to win me back but I just don’t know if we can make our marriage work. He tells me that he’s done with her and only wants me but he has said that before. The other woman was just as upset when she found out I was still in the picture and wants nothing to do With him. I need some serious advice as to whether or not it’s possible to be happy again after such a betrayal. I love him still so much but I’m so hurt.
Hi Oh wow! I am humbled by your godly response on this matter as painful as it is for so many of us married woman. I am from South Africa, and married- with the same problem, husband had an affair and resulted in a love child. Out of anger, I had filed for divorce, but he is adamant he doesn’t want to dissolve the marriage. The divorce is on hold. I have encountered the Hand of God regarding this matter and we are now going for couples counselling, to set grounds on the handling (maintenance, emotional involvement) of my husband with the other child. We have a 2 year old, and I’ve realised through God we can overcome this pain because hubby is cooperative at the counselling sessions. I pray that I do not become demanding and controlling but let God work with me and my heart throughout this whole messed up setup!
As for the OW- May God bless her- she knew from day one he was married- hubby is also as guilty and I pray for him too. This is very hard, especially for young married couples. But this too shall pass.
This website is helping me. I found my husband to be chatting with someone he met on the Internet. He also was accepting calls and texting a girl that he apparently had a baby with, and another girl that he got pregnant and made her have an abortion. He would be gone for days at a time and when I would question him about these women, he would physically hurt me and then would deny it. One time he did tell me I needed to give him more sex and give him money when he asked for it.
Today I went and talked to his mom about the situation and she said I was childish to not accept the situation. I think I can’t take it anymore and it is time for a divorce.
Danielle and anyone in a similar situation. I am wondering how things have progressed for you? December 15th I was made aware of my husband’s affair, which has also resulted in pregnancy. Its only been three weeks and at first I thought our marriage was over but then I began to pray and read and ask God to help me forgive. Our son turned six the day after Christmas. My husband is still here and says he wants nothing to do with the other woman romantically, but though I’ve never had proof of sex my husband has done other things in the past that already had me doubting his sincerity, love and respect for me. We were already going to counseling with a pastor when this affair began with a mutual friend.
Some days I am okay, others I am so angry or so sad. I feel so lost. My heart goes out to you and I will pray for you too. I also wanted a girl and I am praying her baby is a boy as awful as that sounds… I don’t know how I will begin to see him as a man I can trust. I believe God understands this pain and therefore does not expect us to endure it if we want to leave. But I also believe He always wants us to reconcile and though my pain is so severe there is a bigger picture to consider; my husband’s salvation, as well as our son and this unborn child. I feel the action was his but the decision of the trajectory of our lives is mine and weighs so very heavy on my heart. Thank you for listening and I pray God will help lead us down the right path if we only listen and choose to follow Him.
Thank you so much for this blog. God Bless you. My sitution is very similar. My husband and I got into an argument and he met a woman in a bar while he was drinking with his friends one day. He claims he was drunk and doesn’t remember anything. He had sex with her one time and she got pregnant. A month later I found out I was pregnant with my second child. Her baby was born and then my baby was born (4 days apart). It was devastating for me but I decided to give him a second chance.
However, he went to court to pay child support and he signed the papers to not have anything to do with that baby, no visitation, no nothing! He says he doesn’t love this baby and he hates the mom. This makes me feel very confused, should I feel happy about it or should I make him be on his other baby’s life? Please help!
Happy, be very happy! Your husband chose you, your child and the family God gave him. This is how all husbands should choose and this blog would be a lot shorter and lessen the pain. Imagine one second how your life would be with him constantly contacting the OW & going to ball games, school functions with her there still trying to lure him away. Through using the child’s comments she tells them to cause division in your marriage & telling the child to be disobedient to you. You have joint custody & are in charge of taking care of a child she tells/coerces to hate you. Imagine your husband’s affection and time, with you being divided between contact with the OW, her child. Then what’s left for you & your children & marriage God put together? God got rid of division in your marriage. It’s what we’re all praying for.
God, forgive me for saying this but I wish there was a law for these kind of things like if you are married or are engaged or even with a man for over 5 Years if he goes out there have and affair and it results in a child the law should let the other woman give up the baby for adoption. When these things happen it causes us woman a lot of pain to lose your man or husband or have to live with the fact that your partner has a love child out there. It even hurts more when you hope to get pregnant and name your first born son after his dad; and because the other woman has a son first she takes that away from you. Just hoping a law like that comes in place soon and when the man has unprotected sex with a woman who is not his wife, fiance or common law, he should also be punished.
Well I just want say THANK YOU for this website cause I feel somewhat better that I’m not alone. My story is almost like everyone else’s. My situation has me feeling confused, resentful and just disgusted. My husband who at the time was my then boyfriend, cheated on me twice with an ex-girlfriend and at the time he lied to me and had me thinking that there was no way possible that the baby is his. So from my understanding there was no contact between them while she was pregnant and the first year of the little girl’s life.
So I ended up pregnant with our second child and while I was pregnant with her we got married and everything was going good. Well he just came to me in June and told me he was going to contact the mother and try to get into the child’s life and that’s what he did. Once he made the first contact with her he sent her a message claiming that he was setting some ground rules on how things need to be and they agreed on it. Well when I talked to him about the situation I found out he was lying the entire time about how the cheating came about. I’m sorry if I’m confusing you but it’s just a lot.
Anyway, I found out that since the first contact they have been texting and talking on the phone almost everyday since June. I told him how I felt disrespected and asked him to eliminate them talking so much but he shut me down and said that I have to accept there relationship or I can just leave him cause he’s going to be apart of their life whether I like it or not. I tried to be a supportive wife but now I’m seeing texts messages between them that are on a personal level. She sends pictures and text him all times of the night and when I addressed him and told him that I feel like he needs to handle that he told me I’m overreacting and that it’s not that serious; she’s only send pictures.
I asked him why do she has to send pictures of herself and the child? He said she claimed she doesn’t have a lot of pictures of the child by herself but she had sent about 10-15 pictures of the child by herself. So when I said it to him he said he can’t control what she does but I just feel like he allows all of this to happen and as long he doesn’t address it to her then she is going keep doing it. My question is how should I handle him and her and the situation as a whole cause? I’m really am at my breaking point and he doesn’t realize that he is going to lose me his two girls and this marriage just to please her and this child.
Please help me any advice will do… feeling confused and disgusted and I just feel like my feelings don’t matter. How can I talk to him without getting upset and acting out of anger and to get him to see my point of view on all of this cause I feel like my words are falling on deaf ears?
I found this site in my desperate search for answers I will never get. Recently, I found out that my fiance had been cheating on me for two years. We just got engaged almost two months ago. Soon after, the woman he was having an affair with found out and claimed she was pregnant. She insisted that he leave me and when he wouldn’t leave me she threatened him. He still wouldn’t because she did not want to prove she was indeed pregnant or that it’s his. I only found out because to make him suffer, she told her company which resulted in him losing his career.
It has been an immensely hurtful time, especially when we had actually set a date to marry and he canceled a week before leaving me confused. Now I know why. This woman has completely ruined our lives. He is in therapy and is suffering from severe depression. I am staying as strong as I can because I fear he will hurt himself. It has been almost three weeks since all this happened and no word from her. He does not have a job, his image has been ruined, our engagement was ruined, our plans are ruined and our health has gotten worse as the days go by. Yet, she has gone about her life as if nothing has changed.
We don’t even know if she is pregnant, and if she is, if it’s his. He was married before and has two grown children. His daughter had a baby amidst all this and we have not seen her since because of the depression we are in. I have not faced my family as I do not know what to tell them. The only thing we have left to do is go to court and force her to prove she is pregnant and that it’s his. Until then, we are living each day in misery. He is a complete mess. He has hit beyond rock bottom and will do anything to save our relationship if she is not having his kid.
Unfortunately, I cannot be with him with if she is. I just cannot. He wants nothing to do with her EVER. If she felt this was the best way to keep him, she went about it the wrong way. He does not have a job to support a child, he does not want to see her and he wants nothing to do with the child. He hates her. He will be miserable and probably lonely for the rest of his life if she is pregnant. Her actions will only affect a child she brings to the world out of spite, ill intent, malice, hate. I keep asking God how is it that ill intent people end up winning? Why did this happen and why everything around me is falling apart when I am a good person. Why?
So what ever happened? I’m in the same situation except he didn’t lose his job and the girl sort of accepts the fact that he doesn’t want anything to do with her or the kid. I’m not sure if I’m being delusional because I want so badly for this nightmare to be over but I feel like she’s not pregnant. She hasn’t said how far along she is or prove that she is but she’s sticking to her story that she is.
She told him out of no where that she was pregnant a week after he told her he wants to cease all communication between them. I can’t lie though, if she is, there’s no way im going through with the wedding. I can’t imagine being with him and dealing with all of this. I’m sorry you went through this but I guess I’m here looking for answers and solutions still having an ounce of hope that he and I will have a happy ending without an outside child.
My husband had an affair after 9 years of marriage and a child was born. I was hurt, angry, ashamed and mostly embarrassed. I was pregnant and we already had 4 children. We had just bought a new home and everything was story book. To say the least it was devastating. We did separate for a year.
When we reconciled I accepted the affair and the child. I chose to accept it and to grow from it. I cannot change what happened or hide what happened. What happened, happened. It is now apart of us. I made no secret of the affair or the child from my children. Things happen, not that we deserve them, but they happen. We can choose to either let them destroy us and our sanity, or we can deal with it and allow it to be a blessing in disguise.
We have been reconciled now for 4 years and we have visits with this child regularly. I opened my heart to someone that once brought me so much hurt and in return a precious little girl taught me how to love unconditionally. I am her Mom and she is my daughter. I may not have given birth to her but she has my heart none the less. My husband and I are better than we ever have been. My children have been taught that you never give up. Nothing is too big that God cannot restore and renew.
Love has no limits. Love has no rules. Love is capable of anything. We used this experience to teach us how to love each other and most important how to appreciate each other. If there is one piece of advise I can offer, it is this: Open your heart it is capable of much more than you think. There is an overwhelming amount of joy that is not explainable or easily understood.
Wow!!!! I soooo needed to hear your encouraging words. You’ll never know how much I appreciate stumbling across your words. Bless you!!!
My husband and I went through a separation due to his affair. We had 2 children of our own and he was having one with the other woman. We decided to reconcile and I told him we would treat the other child as if she was brought to a new marriage. I have grown to love her as my own, but I worry how this will affect her. She is six and has made comments such as, “I don’t think my Daddy should have married a stepmother” and “If you (Dad) could marry my mom we could all live together and Leah can still be part of the family.” She is obviously trying to make sense of this situation and at some point she will realize she was a result of an affair.
What can we say to her to make sure she doesn’t feel inferior or less than the other girls? While all three adults get along (her mom even attended the birthday party I threw for her) the older girls, now in college, have not accepted her. I just want to make sure she grows up knowing she is loved, but I don’t know how or what to say and how much to say at such a young age.
Tell her the truth. More than likely the OW is feeding these comments. 6 yr olds don’t normally think like that. It is an attempt at division in your marriage and the only way to stop it is with truth, not a smoke screen that will lead to more lies. Tell her you’ve always been his wife. Don’t give details about conception at that age -who would? But always tell the truth in a loving manner and that you don’t understand either but God will help your family because she is right. Her daddy should not marry a stepmother. God hates divorce.
Thanks for sharing your story. Indeed what a mighty God we serve! It can only be through His wisdom and grace that we can see the good in a terrible situation. May God continue to bless your family. We need more stories like this.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I’m going through a very similar situation. Married 17 years with my high school sweetheart and we have two beautiful children. His child born out of his affair is only a week old. His birth had brought so much pain to me but I know he’s innocent in all of this. I hope in time and with God I can open my heart to him as if he was my own. I love my husband very much and I’m very grateful that he chose to stay with his family. I know I’m being judged by family and friends for staying with my husband after something this severe and devastating as this has been to our family. But I’m following my heart and what I truly believe is the right thing to do for us all. I pray my husband will stay faithful and commited to me and our children.
I’m in the same boat Mindy. I love him so much but feel that everyone thinks I’m crazy. And I don’t have anyone to talk to that understands me. We’re going to get counseling through a church I went to as a teen. We have strayed from our faith. I’m just really looking for someone out there to talk to. I don’t have really any friends. I’m so confused.
Andrea, You might also try contacting the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have counselors on staff that you can talk to. They don’t do long-term counseling, but they can help you to a limited degree, at least (and then lead you further from there). You can find them at http://www.focusonthefamily.com and go into their “Contact Us” link at the bottom of their Home Page. I believe they would be a great ministry to talk to for some type of advice. I hope they can help.
Tonight I was looking for help, and I stumbled across this website and after reading all the different posts, this one stood out the most. Your words have encouraged me to keep moving. My husband and I have been married for 13 years, and a beautiful little girl was conceived. She is here and now 6 months. My husband had the affair in the state of Florida where she lives and we are currently in another state. The mom is bringing the baby to see him this weekend and I am praying, when see her, that all is well. I’m still hurting and coping with the situation. I’m blessed to see others know how I feel and what I’m experiencing. I’m praying that our marriage will survive this and become better than ever. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Mindy – you can tell your sweet spirit in your words. You are doing the right thing, in your heart and in God’s eyes. Like most times, the right thing is not the easy thing. Pray faithfully for your husband, your marriage, your children and if you pray that God will put love in your heart for this child, I can assure you that He will. There is nothing too big for God! While you will face struggles, I don’t believe you will ever regret your choice to stay.
I found out about five months ago that my husband cheated and possibly has a daughter that is now almost two years old. The woman has three other children that she had lost because of drug use but is being helped by her family. My husband wants me to accept the child for his sake but we have two other children and my four year old son has been diagnosed with autism. That cut me so deep about my baby and all my efforts are to help him and my sixteen year old daughter get through this time.
When my husband realized he needed to end the relationship, the woman insulted my son by calling him stupid and slow. The rage that was inside me cannot be described but I told my husband that I will never accept any part of that woman or the child. I understand that the child is not at fault but I will not accept a reminder of the awful thing he has done. I told him to financially take care of her if she is his but he says if the mother doesn’t make him then he won’t do it. This tells me he is not all that determined to be in her life.
I pray to God every day for guidance but I will never accept the child but I also give him the choice to leave if he feels I am being unfair. I struggle with this decision because I don’t want to be wrong towards that child but I also think of the pain it has already caused my children. My daughter has such a hard time looking at my husband now and it almost kills me to see the disappointment in her eyes.
(USA) Hello. I know what I’ve done isnt right but I have no where to turn. Absolutely no where. Here’s my story. I am 29 I’m a mother to 3 girls, one is 11. She lives with her father because I moved to a new town and she didn’t like it. 2 more girls that I have custody of, go with their dad on weekends. They’re 5 and 3. I’ve been married to my husband for 2 yrs; we have no children. He can’t have any of his own.
For the past 7 months my husband started accusing me and my best friend’s boyfriend of sleeping together. We weren’t; we were hiding text as friends and would talk about getting together but didn’t until a bit over a month ago. We didn’t use protection the first time. The rest of the times he’d pull out except for one other time. Now I’m pregnant. It’s his, not my husbands. My husband, like I said, can’t have children. We tried at the beginning and he has been tested.
My kids finally have a happy stable life because of my husband. When I tell him I’m pregnant he’s going to know who the father is and kick me to the curb. My family will disown me, the man that got me pregnant will lose his job because my husband is his boss. And his girlfriend will kick him out. We don’t want to be together. He even mentioned abortion; I said no. I asked today if be would be in the baby’s life; he said yea, maybe yea.
We are meth users. I look drug free. I have a government clearance job and I am a medic, and fire fighter. No one knows we sleep, we eat, work, and the kids have everything. We spend time with my kids, have a nice house; everything we should have is great and normal on the outside. I am trying to stop using but it I just a top ill get sick and my husband will figure out why I’m doing it. When should I tell him? I wanted to wait til after Christmas so the kids have a good holiday season. How do tell him? What do I plan for? Should I try to make the father be involved? Should I just let him go on and handle it alone?
Please, any advice will help. The only person I’ve talked to about it is the father. Please help. I am 29 my husband is 55 and the father of baby is 35. Thanks for any advice.
(U.S.) Also, I need to add that today the baby’s father’s girlfriend found out somehow. We are denying it but she said she is making me take a test. She texted my husband but I had his phone and deleted the text then blocked her number but she works at a convenient store my husband goes to every am before work. I am so scared!
Shana, This is such a complicated situation on so many levels. I HIGHLY recommend that you go to a Crisis Pregnancy Center to talk to a counselor there. I’m not sure where the one that is closest to you is located or if it is called by that name (ours in Tucson has recently been named “Hands of Hope”). Please go as soon as possible to talk to them. They will meet with you to help you sort out all of this. I know the one here quite well and the counselors are amazingly wise and helpful. You have a lot to sort out and FAST. Please stay away from Planned Parenthood Clinics because they have abortion quotas (don’t let anyone tell you otherwise –we know several former executives from their organization). This is not this baby’s fault. If you get an abortion, as the father recommends, you will just be adding another level of guilt you will experience for the rest of your life because of the child’s life that you ended.
As tough as all of this is, none of this escaped God’s view. This child would not be inside of you unless God allowed it to happen. Yes, what you did was wrong, but please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly and all of this looks so disastrous, the solution to further do that which you should not, is acceptable. It is not. Please don’t add another wrong on top of the wrong you and this man participated in together. You cannot erase a baby. For the rest of your life, he or she will speak to your conscience and you will find that to be much, much worse than trying to erase him or her. I know from where I am speaking.
I think you are wise to try to get past Christmas with the news of this, for your children’s sakes, but I’m not sure this gal will let that happen. That’s why calling the Crisis Pregnancy Center right away will be a wise thing to do. They can give you the best one-on-one counsel, and on-going counsel, at that.
I pray for you Shana, and for this child, and for your other children, as well as your husband. This is really difficult news to have to confess to. But it’s better to approach all of this in truth, rather than try to cover it up further. I predict that if you try to cover this up, it will blow up worse into your face and then you will have all of that, added onto what you are presently facing. Cover-up may seem wise but it has a way of rising up from the dead. Shana, as horrible as this seems, I believe with all my heart that if you talk to a good counselor and work out a plan together, you will be in a MUCH place eventually than you will be if you add on the wrong of terminating a life and trying to erect a cover-up. I have no doubt that it will unravel.
Shana, God loves you. What you did was wrong. There’s no doubt about that. But please start facing truth, get the help you need to do so, and pick the high road, rather than the low one. You’ve been there and it’s a lousy one to travel on… Ask God to forgive you –He will, and then get good, godly counsel, and reach out for the help you need. Your children deserve to see their mom do the right thing, even if you did wrong before. You also need help with your meth use… to get onto a healthier road for their sakes, your new child’s sake, and yours. (Crisis Pregnancy Center, and perhaps Teen Challenge, even though you aren’t a teenager, can help with that.) I hope your husband will be forgiving. What a wonderful blessing that would be. But if he isn’t, again, this isn’t this baby’s fault. I pray and hope for all of you –that there will eventually be better days ahead. Thank you for trusting us to reach out to us, to allow us to pray for you and your precious family. We have and we will. Again, God loves you –you are precious in His sight.
Hi all my name is Shelly and I’m a mother and also a wife. So let me just cut straight to it. Back in December 2010 I had an affair on my husband. A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our third child. We were both excited about our new edition to our family. I didn’t tell my husband about the affair. During that time I was miserable because of the pain I know I caused and the burden that I was carrying around about my affair and the possibility that my husband wasn’t the father of our child. I couldn’t stand holding this from somebody I know I LOVE and knew loved me back.
So sometime in the middle of 2012 I told my husband about the affair and the possibility that our child wasn’t his. He said there is no way that our child is not mine. I LOVE this little girl; she’s mine, I don’t care what you say. He was more hurt than angry for a while but never treated our child any different, not even a little. I asked him if he wanted a DNA test done so we can have peace. He said absolutely not because our child was his.
Fast forward; we just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary in June of this year. But the pain and damaged I caused continues to haunt me everyday of my life. This was my only affair that I’ve had and I will NEVER do it again. It’s like everytime I look into my husband’s eyes I still see the pain I caused to him and our kids. Ok, about a month ago I was going through his phone and found one picture (not nude) of another women and some text messages with conversations about how’s the day or something going. I confronted my husband about it and he didn’t deny it. He insists they were only friends. I couldn’t rest on his word so I contacted the other woman myself. I told her who I was and who my husband was. She told me that her and my husband were just friends and she knew about me and the kids and assured me that nothing happened and she will stop talking to him. After that conversation it’s like I became angry at my husband for not hurting me like I so deeply hurt him. He didn’t betray me the way I betrayed him.
Right now we are still married but I feel like we are at a stand still because of my infidelity. After we had the talk about the other woman he told me that it’s hard for him to get over what I’ve done. He loves me but it’s hard for him to even look at me the same. I know I’ve hurt this man. He said I will NEVER feel the pain that he feels. I wouldn’t want to because just looking at the pain I caused the man I LOVE is unbearable. He loves me. I know he does. We don’t know if we want to get the DNA test done. It’s like it would puts us at peace then again it may just well destroy us! It’s like I don’t think we can move on from this without that test but yet still we both dread to get it done.
I pray for my marriage and family everyday. I plead the blood of Jesus over my family and marriage everyday. Lord knows I want my marriage to work out. I want my family so badly. God knows my heart he does. I have faith that he will do it for us. I hate to see my husband in so much heartache and pain, pain I know I’ve caused! The part that gets me is that he still loves me to this day and will do whatever he can for me. It’s almost like I want him to leave so I don’t have to see that pain. I know we have a long ways to go as far as the healing process goes but through Christ all things are possible! Nothing’s greater than him. I just feel hopeless. I keep telling myself to stop leaning on my own understanding and seek first the kingdom of God.
If I can be of help to anyone please feel free. I will be more than happy to talk to you and give whatever advice I can. Please, if you would continue to pray for the healing of my marriage. Any advice given will be gladly accepted and appreciated!!! God Bless.
Shelly, I have a similar situation. I’ve been married for 16 years, daughter is 4 and son will be 3 soon. I told my husband one year ago that I believed my son was another man’s biological son. Of course he was devastated. He decided to stay and work on our marriage. We had the test done and my husband is not the biological father however he loves him as his own.
The biological father is now involved. He pays child support and has scheduled visits once a month. I believe you and your husband should have the test performed. If your daughter is biologically your husband’s child you will both be relieved of the “wonder” and if she is not biologically his it will allow you both to accept the reality of it and move forward. There are “at home” kits available so you can do in private. We did two before we did the more expensive in lab, both home kits matched results of more expensive legal test. Best wishes.
Thanks for the advice! We have yet to get DNA test done. I think somehow something is stopping us, yet the unknown remains. I told my husband everything, even the name of the man, which was hard for me but I don’t care about my feelings anymore. That’s what got us here. It’s like I see the other man in her, but yet still my husband. I’m so confused!!! I hurt my husband beyond imaginable. Wow! He is still here, still providing, still supportive, still loving… How do you and your husband get through this? Please help me if you can!!
Sometimes I feel as if I robbed him of his life and happiness. That’s all I want for him, for us. He says he is happy. He just doesn’t like me bringing it up at all. He says he’s getting through it; just let him handle it his way! Lord help me, help us!!!