What do you do when a child is born because one spouse had an extramarital affair? How do you handle the betrayal AND the birth of a child as a result of one partner cheating on another?
These are questions we receive here at Marriage Missions, and they’re very, very tough ones!
As we address this issue, please be very prayerful as you read what we are sharing with you. Every situation is different. And for this reason, what you do, may need to be different for you, than for other people in a similar situation. Allow the Holy Spirit to be your Wonderful Counselor. Pay attention to how specifically He guides you, in light of what others may tell you and what you read here. But above all, make sure you follow God’s ways, above mans.
We will offer some things here for you to consider. Pray, read, and glean through what you read to apply what you believe God is telling you to use in your life. There are a few things that are for sure. Then there are things that will be written, that will be basic counsel, which you can take or leave.
With the Affair These are MUSTS:
The cheating has to stop. The lies have to stop.
God did not create us to lie and cheat on each other. He hates actions which demonstrate unfaithfulness.
“Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.
“You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator” (Colossians 3:5-10).
Each day can bring a new beginning.
And whether you and your spouse decide to reconcile or not, it is time for everyone to start living in Truth.
“Come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God —I say this to your shame” (1 Corinthians 15:34).
“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully, for we are all members of one body” (Ephesians 4:25).
There is a child who is now involved in an affair that started in sin.
Yet the child is completely innocent. The Bible says that children are “a gift from God.” And they are. Even if they were conceived because of a situation that was not pure or a situation that was hurtful, this child is created in the image of God and should not be treated as if he or she is lesser of a human being. Jesus Himself, showed how He valued children as a priority and a blessing, and so should we.
“See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.” (Matthew 18:10)
The following is advice, which we consider to be sound, given by Dr Phil McGraw (from the Dr Phil Show), to a man who was having difficulty in accepting a child who was born because of his spouse’s affair.
Prayerfully consider what he advises:
“Don’t let your feelings about the affair reflect on your treatment of the child. The child is innocent, and had nothing to do with the actions of your partner.”
“Though it may be difficult, don’t withhold affection from the child. By keeping the child at arm’s length, you are punishing him for something he didn’t do.”
“Give yourself permission to own your feelings. Having feelings of anger doesn’t make you the bad guy in this situation. It’s painful to deal with an affair, and when that affair results in a child who becomes part of your life, you may feel like everything is being dumped on you.”
You need to do what you can to work through the stages of grief, anger and mourning, because the changes that have come upon your marriage, as a result of infidelity.
Additional Help
On the Marriage Missions web site, we have provided many articles, testimonies, suggested resources and web site links that you can take advantage of, to help you on this difficult journey. But we pray that, whatever you do, you will work to keep your feelings from “punishing” the child in some way.
As a matter of fact, here is a video that is quit profound in the message given on this issue. Bob and Audrey Meisner is interviewed, concerning her affair. But in this particular video they center on the child who is born as a result of the affair. I STRONGLY encourage you to watch what they have to say about it:
There are so many issues to work through when a child comes as a result of an affair. And it’s not possible to cover them all in an article such as this. But we have provided for you below, a couple of links to different web site articles, which you can read through to give you additional information to pray about. We hope they will help you to make wise decisions for the future of your relationship, as well as the child’s role in your lives.
Prayerfully Consider
You may or may not agree with the entire content given in each article. We personally don’t agree with everything in the first article listed below. But please prayerfully consider what is written and glean what you believe God would have you do. Don’t use what you feel is contrary to God’s will for your life.
First, we encourage you to read the following linked article posted on the Marriage Builders web site, written by Dr Willard Harley:
• WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU (or Your Spouse) BECOMES PREGNANT
Another article can be found on the Beyond Affairs web site, written by Anne Bercht. Please click onto the link below to read:
• WHEN THERE IS A CHILD FROM AN AFFAIR
And finally, the following is a Youtube interview, aired on a CBN broadcast. Bob and Audrey talk of her affair and how it led to a child being born, as a result:
• A WIFE’S BETRAYAL – Bob and Audrey Meisner
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you can give additional insights to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Childrens Effect on Marriage Surviving Infidelity
My husband and I have been married for over 6 years. We have a four year old son together. We were both faithful to each other the entire marriage. However, I was unhappy in the marriage, and it was mostly because we neglected the Lord and also because I quickly put my first born son first in everything. I began to always see the negative in my husband, losing respect for him and honestly just being annoyed by him. He never treated me wrong, and in fact always put me first, doing anything I asked. I just had built up this hate towards him for some reason. I can’t explain it.
Anyway, this year, I deployed to Afghanistan for 8 months. Being a woman, you’re a hot commodity. It became very tempting and easy to cheat on him. I ended up sleeping with four different men. During the eight months I was there, my husband’s mother passed away. He was going through a lot and honestly I was so selfish I didn’t even care. In fact I even told him I was cheating on him, and didn’t want to be with him. He was devastated. He went really psycho, wanted to kill himself etc, but was seeking treatment. I was/am so selfish, I didn’t care, and I continued to cheat on him right up until the week I left to come home.
But I decided before I came home that I was going to try to see if I could feel anything for him again and come home to him. I was starting to feel guilt and ashamed. He claimed he’d be willing to try to work it out and that he stil loves me more than anything. He still had a lot of anger towards me though. We were having a good reunion and all, but on Christmas Eve, I fell asleep with my son, and I thought my husband was going to put the presents under the tree, only to find out, he was drinking and getting wasted… We are not big drinkers, but apparently while I was deployed that’s how he dealt with his emotions.
Anyway, he got so drunk he was stumbling around. I walked out to see what was the noise. He started yelling at me and tried to reach for his gun. I quickly grabbed it, not sure if he was going to kill me or himself. I called the police and they didn’t arrest him. But they took him to the hospital/psych ward. I was so angry, I left him there overnight. I didn’t want to ruin my son’s Christmas, so I told him to get a cab ride home for Christmas, and I left to go to my parents.
We stayed there a few days, and while I was there I began to get sick, and quickly realized I was late for my period, and figured out I was pregnant. I had only been home a couple of weeks and I know the child is not my husband’s. My husband and I are Caucasian, and one of the potential biological fathers is African American. My family is old school, and while it seems harsh to say this, they are racists. My family was devastated and kept telling me I only had a few options… One was to have an abortion/give the child up for adoption… Or leave my husband and raise the baby and my son on my own.
I was so confused, and I knew I couldn’t have an abortion or give up for adoption, so I called my husband and told him I was in fear that he was trying to shoot me, so I wanted him to move out for the safety of our son. He began to pack up his things and move in with a friend. But I began to get scared and realized I could not raise two children on my own. So I went home and told my husband I was pregnant, the baby was not his and I was very scared. He did something that shocked me. He said he forgave me for everything and that he doesn’t care anymore, that he loved me and wanted to help me in any way possible even if I didn’t love him like that he would still help me raise the baby.
Who does that? Who is that nice? I’m in shock. He should be throwing me to the curb, taking my son away from me, he should be hating me. But to make matters worse, I quickly discovered that he had something to hide. I was wondering why he kept getting phone calls from this woman. He claimed that they met while I was deployed, and were friends through my sons school, as her son is my sons age, and my husband works with her husband. This family is where he was going to stay when I had kicked him out. I was half joking after one time she called, and was like, who was that, your girlfriend? He got irate… So I began to wonder if it was true… I blatantly asked him if they were sleeping together, and he said, no.
Later on that day, he called me and was like, You know what you asked me earlier, I have to tell you, yes, we are sleeping together. I was shocked and just told him we would talk about it later. When he came home, he said he was just kidding, he wanted to see if I cared enough about him I and if it would make me angry… Totally immature, but he’s done worse… So I forgot it. A few days later, I get a text from the woman’s husband and says that he knows I barely know him. But wondered if I picked up on anything strange between his wife and my husband… I told him that he’s right I don’t know him and that conversation should be between him and his wife. But that I did think it was odd that she was always calling him.
So I confronted my husband again and he admitted they did sleep together. It took hours of questioning to reveal that they had slept together as recently as Christmas Day when I had left him. I was soooo hurt and shocked. The woman’s husband told me she admitted that they met online. My husband said he was lonely and hurt by my infidelity. Why he’d think two wrongs make a right I don’t know.
Anyway, I told him this, that I feel my infidelity was different. I kept it in Afghanistan. I didn’t bring men around my son or sleep with them under our roof. My husband brought this woman into our home and slept in OUR bed. She stayed the night here too. Her husband said he didn’t want to believe they were sleeping together, and claimed that she stayed the night to help my husband with my son bc he was depressed. Who would believe that?!?! Anyway, I can’t help but feel so angry and can’t get over the fact that he basically had a relationship with this woman, whereas honestly, I knew I’d never see these men again…. And I feel like I couldn’t trust him bc this woman lives in our town and they may see each other again at my sons school, whereas the men I was with are from different parts of the country and I have NO desire to see them again. Except for the fact that now I have this baby and may have to. But I feel like his infidelity is worse somehow. I know that no sin is greater than the other, I am just hurt, angry, scared, etc. I don’t know why I am posting this other than I get it all out.
Wow, don’t know where or how to start because I don’t know if I’d be helping you in your situation. First off, thanks for sharing your story. My wife and I have been married for 6 months now. We had planned on getting married before we found out she was pregnant and she is due in just over a month to a girl. 3 months into the marriage after I requested her to send me the paperwork from her ultrasound because I needed proof of pregnancy to move into military housing, she then admitted that the child might not be mine. But the twist is that she said she got raped… I’m goin back and forth in my mind and soul because I was convinced that our relationship was strongly embedded in Christ but now I’m questioning everything as far as she is concerned. Where I’m at right now is I feel like I won’t be able to stay married to her if the child isn’t mine, but I’ll be able to work on things if she is mine, because I know she has a great heart.
Yeah, sleeping with multiple men and getting pregnant by them is so much different than what your husband did. Keep rationalizing and justifying. If you can rationalize this, you clearly have mental problems.
Hello, I would like to get some feedback from my situation. I have been married for 37 years. About 30 years ago my husband had an affair and fathered a child who is now 30 years old. All of this information came out about a year ago. My husband has told me bits and pieces but says it’s a lot he does not remember. He said the mother withheld the truth from him all these years but he suspected he was the father and did nothing except cut off communication with her.
When the child was 22 years old my husband approached him and told him he was his father (all unbeknownst to me). Last year the child contacted my husband and said he wanted to have a relationship with him. My husband began to lavish him with gifts and place him on a pedestal above the 2 children we have together. Recently the son has become withdrawn. My husband says he refuses to call him dad or say he loves him. This causes my husband to be angry and take it out on me.
I am very perplexed by it all. I don’t know if I’ve been told the truth because my husband’s account of things keeps changing. My husband and I are now in counseling together but I sense that he is still withholding information. He has asked me to forgive him, which I have, but I am not overjoyed with the son although I have been cordial and nice to him. Any advice or comments on this matter is welcome.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years now. We found out last year about 3 months after I had our second child that he possibly fathered another child. We lived next door to the girl and one night while he was coming home from the club she and her boy friend were fighting. After he broke it up and calmed their son down she seduced him. She got pregnant but never told anyone anything.
Two years later she sees him and tells him. I told him to do a DNA to find out if this is your child. Her and I used to talk all the time and she was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on about him. That was a really hard time in the relationship. So in finding this out a year later no test has been done; the excuse is they don’t have the money for it. She was supposed to pay for it when she got he tax refund.
He doesn’t respect how I feel about it, he tells me that it happened and I need to get over it. When we talk about it we argue. She even comes to the house and spends the night. He’s not letting me deal with it at all. He wants me to do it in his time and not my own. I’m trying to deal with it but the fact that no one has said for sure bothers me. She was living with her boy friend at the time. I am about to explode and I know it’s not her fault but sometimes I just don’t want her around, but he feels like she is his and I feel like I am forced to be in a position I am not ready for.
Our relationship is struggling right now because he communicates with her about more than the little girl and keeps things they talk about to himself. This affects us because I chose to stay with him hoping that we could fix this together but it’s all about him. I’m tired of this and ready to move on but my two boys will suffer. I need help with how to deal with this and move on. If not, I don’t know what will happen.
I had a hesterectomy before I got married. My husband was aware while we were still dating. We are born again Christians and believe and trust in God for restoration but I think my husband was pushed by pressure to have an affair that resulted in a son. I was shattered when I found out because we had been praying together and had spoken that whenever pressure grips, we would sit and discuss options.
Now, there is a son and the mother does not want me anywhere near him. She, for some reason, hates me and feels she does not trust me. My husband keeps telling me that the boy is as much my son as he is his own but I do not have any right over the boy. Anything that I do for him the biological mother does not have to know about it. She’s threatening to take the child away from him if he ever makes means of taking the boy to our home. He does that secretly because he does not want to lose his only son and I have to play along until such time the woman comes down.
This is really a challenging time for me because my husband is very attached to his son… so am I. The little chance I get to spend with him I grow more and more fond of him. Now the boy is used as an instrument to keep me and my husband apart… there are midnight calls that my husband has to answer and sometimes be called to her house because the baby is crying. I can’t even go with him. The Lord has really carried me to this point. This is a trying time for our marriage.
Hi, I have been with my husband for 10 years, have two children, one who is a baby, and just found out he had an affair and now she pregnant. I’m so hurt and angry but at the same time not ready to lose my family. I sometimes feel stupid for wanting to make my marriage work but I love him. How do I get through this and if it’s even possible? I don’t want anything to do with this child or care to be in it’s life. My husband wants to be in its life but not to the point of taking it over night, just once in a while. I just need advice from anyone who has been through this, in success.
So I got the best news in what I was praying for. The woman my husband got pregnant miscarried. It’s a relief but at the same time I feel bad because I was praying for this. But at lease I don’t have to explain this to my children. Now lets see what this brings for our marriage. I know he is relieved, I could hear it in his voice. I will continue praying for answers and reading my Bible for guidance.
I dated a married man for 4 yrs. At first I didn’t know he was married but when I found out it was too late because I was so in love with him. He promised to make me his second wife. Now we have a 16 month baby girl and his wife knows my problem is since I have a baby. He never calls or comes to my place. I am the one calling him all the time. He doesn’t even support the baby. He always makes excuses that he is experiencing finical problems. I don’t want to take him to court because I don’t want my baby to be fatherless. I don’t want to ruin the relationship. What should I do? PLEASE HELP.
Tsakani, I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing these problems –especially because of your baby. She is truly the innocent one here. I don’t understand how you thought that dating a cheater would result in something good relationship-wise (he cheated on his first wife with you… knowing all along that you didn’t know, so that also makes him a liar). When you DID find out… it WASN’T “too late” (even though you say it was). Yes, you may have been “in love” with him but that can’t be the end all of all your decisions because this kind of thing happens. I’m telling you this to help you to wake up and NOT allow “love” to take you to a place that compromises your integrity and your common sense.
He may be a charming guy, but when it comes to being a good guy, he isn’t. He just isn’t. He’s a cheater, and a liar, and now he’s a deadbeat dad, and an escape artist as far as living up to emotional and financial responsibilities… just to name a few deficits in his character. I hate to think of your precious daughter being fatherless, but I’m not sure he is the living example that you want her to be with continually so she can learn from his ways. You need to get real here.
You started out innocent, because you were duped –which was totally wrong of this man to do to you. But when you found out you were duped, instead of backing up a bit to stop the relationship and realize that if you went forward, that made you a cheater too and someone who was hurting the heart of his first wife, you instead went forward believing more of his “promises.” He wasn’t yours to have… even though you were “in love” by that time. It hurts, but it’s true. He cheated on his wife and also on you with his lies, and you eventually went along with it and became an accessory to the lying and cheating.
Tsakani, I don’t want to emotionally whip you… that’s not what this is about. But I AM hoping that this will be a wake-up call for you for your future. This man is trouble. He may be charming, but he is trouble. And please don’t be under any disillusionment that he won’t cheat on you and his first wife with another gal either now (perhaps that’s part of the reason he isn’t calling) or in the future. He doesn’t have scruples. What he wants he goes after even at the cost of the other person’s emotions and more.
PLEASE concentrate on being a good mom. Don’t date married men. Be careful who you bring into your daughter’s life now that she is yours to take care of. She needs you to be her hero –someone who lives a life of integrity and also love and concern for her. Grieve and cry… yes. This is tough stuff. But what would even be tougher is if you didn’t learn from it, to live your life above board in honesty, integrity, and concern for others (especially your daughter). I hope you will. I will pray for your broken heart… I DO care.
Thanx Cindy, I learned a lot from your response. I will do the right thing and be a good mom and hero to my angel. You’re right; he is not worth my tears.
Hi I really need good advice on what I’m about to tell you. I’m married to my husband for 22 years now. About 3 years ago, I found out that my husband has not just 1 child, but 4 children with different women over the years. When the 1 woman couldn’t hide the child anymore because she did not wanted to hurt my family, all the other affairs came out, 1 after each other.
My husband told all the woman to keep quiet then he will support them, but if they don’t he will not support them in any way. Because of them being young and very naive, they accepted his offer. I was so shocked by all this, that I didn’t even feel like confronting him about this. All I could think about, was I so blind and stupid not to see or know the truth of what my husband was doing secretly behind my back? He was begging for my forgiveness and told me that they were all mistakes. I couldn’t believe that I was married to this coldhearted monster. I’m still with him because I couldn’t change my kids happy home into a sad one. My only struggle is what if there are more kids that I don’t know of? I need help because my marriage is just 1 big lie and I’m afraid it’s killing me.
WOW! You really need good counsel on this one. We can’t adequately do that for you. There are many layers of problems here and you need someone wise to help you sort all of this out. Your husband is wrong; these aren’t “all mistakes” –he didn’t stumble into having these affairs and fathering 4 children. It was all out blatant sin. He enjoyed the hunt and the process and absolutely ran over your heart and the heart of his children in the process. Even having 1 affair and one child could “possibly” be understood (although not really because of his vow to you and to God). But FOUR? And as you say, how many more? How many more did he have sex with and not get them pregnant? And to think of all the diseases he exposed you to –he could have picked up AIDS… and given it to you and where would your children be?
Those children need you. They need a sane voice in this wilderness. Right now you may not feel sane, but eventually you will get back there. You truly need good counsel. If you don’t know of one, then please contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – South Africa. They may know of a counselor in your area. They are very well connected. We have a link to their web site in the “Marriage Counseling” topic on this web site. I pray for you Melanie, and I pray for your children. Your husband definitely needs prayer too because he is MAJORLY messed up! He has NO excuse… ZERO! I’m so sorry you have had to go through this… such confusion you must be suffering through and an absolutely broken heart! My tears are with you and your children. I hope a counselor can help you sort out what to do, for your sake and the sake of your children. May God help you!
Hi Melanie, your story is similar to mine. I’ve been married for 15 years and have recently discovered that my husband had four kids with different women before we were married. We have two boys together. As if that was not enough he has got a two year old daughter with another woman. He has currently left us to be with the mother of the two year old. It is painful. What is worse is in all these things he treated me as if it is my fault. I’m glad that God has carried me through the whole thing. Let us continue to trust God to heal us and fit for us.
As time has passed, people have begun to forget about my story. Many saw my growing belly and listened to the rumors, but very few know my ‘story.’ Although I’ve worn the scarlet letter of my hometown for years, out of shame, I’ve never publically talked about what I’m about to. I was married (what I considered happily) with two beautiful children when I discovered I was 11 weeks pregnant with the child of an affair. That day my world forever changed. We had just moved home after living away for 8 years, had just built our dream home, have two perfect children and I was married to the ‘perfect’ youth minister none the less. So what was wrong with me… why wasn’t I happy? That answer didn’t come until years later.
Two days after learning I was pregnant, my sister and I drove 2 1/2 hours away to an abortion clinic. We were delayed due to an accident, making me the 25th person in line rather than at the front of the line. Just the first of many things on this journey that I know was divine intervention. I sat in that waiting room that day replaying the events of the two previous days in my head. Me, a youth minister’s wife, with the perfect life was sitting in the waiting room of an abortion clinic! As I sat there sobbing uncontrollably to the point of making other girls uncomfortable, I was taken into the administrator’s office who proceeded to tell me that I was being selfish and that my husband and kids didn’t deserve this and that my obligation was to them and them only and not this ‘fetus.’ She was echoing the thoughts in my head, but my heart disagreed. I went home that day and never returned.
Initially I was ‘sorry’ that I got caught in a mess. But in the months to come, God began to down the walls of insecurity, bitterness, resentment, that I had unknowingly harbored for so long, thus began the “Godly sorrow”. Big difference! At that point, I couldn’t even bare to recall my actions during the time of the affair without uncontrollable crying and disgust. The next couple of years that followed, I struggled with self-forgiveness. I didn’t understand God’s sovereignty. I couldn’t imagine the God’s disappointment. I begged God daily for forgiveness, begged for my husband’s forgiveness and begged God reconciliation with my husband. While my story has a happy ending, I don’t want to paint a glamorous ‘in between’ time. It was hard! I spent the first couple of years on my knees. I mean I was in the pit of despair. But that was exactly where God wanted me. It was only after the Godly sorrow and repentance began that God began to heal me, heal my hurts, and heal my heart!
While I continue to grieve the loss of my marriage as it felt as part of me died, and in a sense it did, God is still healing my heart. I could never have imagined on that day in the abortion clinic the events that would take place over the next few years. That’s probably a good thing. My husband of 14 years divorced me. We had to sell our dream home, and I see less of my children. I now have exceedingly more responsibility than I’ve ever known, which ironically is what I was running from when the affair started.
I received devotion from a friend during that time that read: “Every person is a case of parenthood -God planned you! Whatever else may have seemed to be happenstance, there were no surprises in heaven when either you or I arrived on Earth! Because some were born outside of marriage, with less than perfect bodies… people draw the conclusion that God wasn’t involved in the process. But listen: The fact that God may not have willed the way a person came into the world, does not mean he has not planned a purpose for that individual. Long before anyone is conceived, God’s purpose for that life is foreseen.” -Jack Hayford
I knew God was talking to me. A few months later I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl whom I didn’t deserve. Every time I look at her, I see God’s forgiveness, God’s mercy, and God’s grace. That was six years ago. Since then I’ve changed my prayer, instead of asking God to erase my past or to make it less painful, I now pray that God will use me, my past, my sins, and my mistakes, as ugly and humiliating as they are, for His glory. I pray that God will use any and every part of my testimony. While I still have regrets, I no longer live in regret. I’m still a work in progress, but with a hope, a joy, and a peace that only God can give.
THANK YOU Nichole, for sharing your testimony. I have no doubt that this will help more people than any of us will ever know (this side of heaven). God is amazing in how He can take the messes we make and redeem them for the good of many. You might consider finding a way to nicely frame the quote you shared with us from Jack Hayford, to hang on a wall in your home in case your daughter, or you, or anyone else who visits, needs to be reminded that God has a purpose for us all. The little we can offer can become much when it is offered to God, and when we offer ourselves to Him to use.
If we could have your permission, we would love to also post this in the “Testimonies” part of this topic. That way it won’t eventually get buried. It needs to stand out to help other people learn from your experiences and witness “God’s forgiveness, God’s mercy, and God’s grace” in action. It might give hope to those who desperately need it. It might also and inspire some people not to be so quick to judge others, but instead extend God’s grace, as Christ would have them.
Tsakani, I am in the exact same boat as you. I was foolish enough to become involved with a married man for four years, which resulted in pregnancy. He visited for the first eight months but paid no support. I was so in love with him it didn’t bother me and I struggled on financially alone. He then told his wife and he hasn’t been near us since. His attitude changed overnight. My daughter is now two. He works in the same building as me but our paths never cross. He never asks after her.
Due to child care fees I filed for financial support and received a very abusive message -the last one from him. His words of love clearly meant nothing. He has no care for our child and I can only think she is better without him. It broke my heart to begin with and still makes me sad sometimes. As each day passes though I’m feeling stronger and hope I will get over him and make sure my daughter has a good upbringing without a father.
Yes, you absolutely have my permission to use it. May God use it and me for His glory alone!!
I recently found out my husband had an affair but when I found out the actual affair was over. I found out because the other woman got upset because of the no contact from him so she sent him a text message revealing the that she was pregnant. At first he denied it, swore he used protection and everything. When he realized she wasn’t going to quit he finally admitted that there was a possibility that it was his.
Just recently the child was born (oh did I mention we have a 5 mos old together?). As recent as last Friday, and she decided to send ME pictures on Facebook… the baby looks just like my children. I can’t even being to explain the hurt. We are now in the process of finding out how to go about getting paternity test done. My problem is I want nothing to do with this child, nor do I want my husband to have anything to do with it. I have no guilty feelings about it at all. I can’t explain why except that I know I could never treat that child right as it would be a constant reminder to me of the betrayal and pain.
My husband has agreed not to be in the child’s life because he wants his family more but I’m scared this may change … please give me some advice on this. I feel like I’m going to have a nervous breakdown!!!
Even though I was the ‘other woman’ we have to see that these men hurt everyone and ultimately win as they are in a position to choose what to do. When a baby is born, however, it must never be forgotten that it is innocent and doesn’t deserve to be treated as an object of blame. I hope you can see past your husband’s ex lover and recognise that a child is involved here. He has a responsibility to that child, even if he wants to stay with you, and you him. Perhaps you should be encouraging contact and establish that now rather than worry about the future and the potential problems you are storing up for everyone involved – including all the children.
I have a question for you and it’s not necessarily the topic of discussion so feel free not to answer if you don’t want to. What makes you think it’s okay to be with a married man and furthermore without using protection? I’ve talked to the other women in my situation and she says he never lied about being married and she never intended on having an actual relationship with him so why? I’m not categorizing you, I just thought maybe you could shed some light.
You are an adult woman who was NOT raped. You willingly chose to sleep with him. BOTH of you are at fault. His responsibility to his wife’s child is by far greater than his responsibility to the one he bore with a mistress. The marriage-bound children also get his inheritance, while the mistress’s child does not. Open ANY Bible. Stop making excuses. She is in ruins because of people like you.
“That adulterers might see, as he observes, that they affect their whole family with an irreparable stain, should they commit such an infamous action.”
I know how you feel; I have a 7 month old and my husband is expecting another child with a woman. I want nothing to do with this child nor want him to but he is having a hard time with that choice. We are currently separated but want to work it out–just don’t know how to go about it. I know the child is innocent, but this child is too much pain to handle. If he wants to have a relationship I would have to walk away with my 2 girls and I have already told him I’m moving to another state with or without him, but he doesn’t get to hurt me more or get the best of two worlds. I did nothing to deserve this, nor my girls.
This is exactly how I feel and we have since talked and he says he is willing to have nothing to do with the child now but if later the child decides that they would like to know him he wouldn’t deny them the opportunity. I think I could handle that but I still have alot of guilty feelings because of what I am asking him to do. But wouldn’t it be selfish of him to expect me to accept this child? And wasn’t it selfish of him to lay down with another female in the first place?
It was selfish of him to do this to the family and throughout our relationship. I have thought nothing about me, but what my family needs and left my needs out. Well, for once I’m putting my foot down, choosing my needs, and being selfish. At the end he’s not getting his cake and eating it too so I’m left looking dumb. I never wanted my children to have a part time father; it’s either full time or nothing. I want nothing from him if he chooses the other child, but full custody of my girls and him out. We’ve been through enough and my 8 year old can’t be involved in that confusion.
Well, it’s good to know someone feels the same way I do. It makes me not feel so bad. I’m still not saying that I’m completely right, but how I feel is how I feel… at least I’m being honest, which is more than I can say for him at the time.
Proverbs 5:15-19, Be faithful to your own wife and give your love to her alone. Children that you have by other women will do you no good. Your children should grow up to help you, not strangers. So be happy with your wife and find your joy with the woman you married —pretty and graceful as a deer. Let her charms keep you happy; let her surround you with her love.
The word of the Lord-Nuff said! This is what God himself commands and it doesn’t say be faithful unless there is a woman trying to get you to leave your wife for her & her child -it says faithful ONLY TO YOUR WIFE. Don’t feel guilty! Any communication with an affair partner is an act of unfaithfulness and against God’s will for the wholeness of marriage.
Don’t hate, forgive, and live by God’s word -pray that our husbands will do the same & not give our time to those God doesn’t want them to -this is their test. Lets all pass ours by forgiving (but not being doormats by involving the o.w. and child) and pray God helps us all to PROSPER and win. No weapon formed against us will prosper. Stop fighting for number 1 & embrace it, he married you even though he’s been stupid at times and mean, God made YOU his number one and only.
I pray all our husbands now make us their one and only. God’s Love and protection to all spouses & may God bless the o.w. & their children separately and far far away from our marriages, In Jesus name… AMEN
First of all, I just want to say I’ve been the other woman in a situation before. Most of the time the husband portrays that he isn’t happy. He sets up an elaborate story of how he’s leaving soon and how the wife is aware. Usually they start out as friends, confidants, co-workers etc.
The reason I’m replying to your story is I want to help you. I was in this situation and I got pregnant. He abandoned me and my son upon hearing the news; he told me to basically go away. This man was my best friend and also the father of my son. Out of desperation I got on Facebook and told the wife. She left him at first and then went back to him. I endured 9 months with no help and after I had him I went out to his house, which he told me later I was welcome to. His wife answered the door and come to find out he had been lying and playing both of us.
Long story short you need to have a heart to heart with the other woman. Put your feelings aside and find out the truth. Put yourself in that child’s shoes. If you believe in God what will you say when he shows you the emotional damage that child endured because you wanted your man to only be in your kid’s life? Think about your decision because I guarantee it will backfire. If she files a paternity suit he’s obligated to pay child support. She will most likely get custody because he has shown no interest. If you can’t accept the child, you need to walk away. It took two of them and neither one is more guilty than the other, and the courts will agree. Trust me.
Tried to talk to her and she has nothing but attitude and wants to give me details about what they have done…I dont want to hear about that stuff!! We know he would have to pay child support and thts fine…she has already expressed tht he will never get custody anyway. ..where do I go from there?
Treesy, I can understand that you don’t understand why someone would become involved with a married man. I don’t think I would have understood ten years ago. I accept that I could have made the choice to not become involved but somehow a situation evolved and then I was drawn in, hook, line and sinker for four years. We were coworkers. Went away on a week long trip. Nothing happened except a feeling of being incredibly drawn to him. When we returned he texted over the weekend to ask where I lived and was at my place Monday morning 5 am. That was the beginning.
Three years later I fell pregnant. He told me what I now realise are the usual lines of wife ignoring him, felt unwanted, I made him feel this that and the next thing and if it wasn’t for the kids he’d leave. I know he was married but it felt so right. I was totally in love with him and he constantly fed me hope of a future together.
According to him, she didn’t speak to him for three weeks and he decided to tell her about me and our child. Within 24 hours of telling her he ended our relationship. He used me to fill a gap in his marriage. I’m left devastated. My child has no father and his family has no idea she exists. I saw his mother last month (I recognised her from photos) and his sister in a garden centre and was standing right next to them but they had no idea this was their granddaughter or niece. The only reason I said nothing was because I don’t want to put them in a difficult situation, which is not of their making, and having to choose whether also to ignore her existence. The only winner in this situation is the man. They have their cake and eat it, spin lies to both parties, and then is able to choose which woman to stay with.
The winner is the Lord our God when a marriage is saved instead of destroyed by satan. May God bless you with a husband of your own as soon as & if you have/do repent and may your own husband be a father to your child -not the husband of another woman. _____________
Exodus 20:14 “Do not commit adultery.” Exodus 20:17 “Do not desire another man’s house; do not desire his wife, his slaves, his cattle, his donkeys, or anything else that he owns.”
Proverbs 23:27 Good News Translation (GNT): Prostitutes and immoral women are a deadly trap.
___________________________________________
Don’t take any advice from women who are a deadly trap for God said they are indeed “a deadly trap”. Get your advice from the Bible only and Godly women you know who have made it 30-40-50 yrs in marriages and who aren’t gossips.
Treesy, I have been in your shoes. My husband had an affair almost 3 years ago and a child was born as a result of the affair. She was also a married woman. It is by far easy to ever have to go through something of this magnitude. You will not and cannot get through this alone. You must be very prayerful about your situation and trust that God does not make mistakes. He knows each and everyone us of before we are ever conceived. I know how it feels to want to push that child away and pretend that it has never happened but the reality is there is a live human being with a soul that did not asked to be brought into this situation.
It is not at all the child’s fault and the child should not have to suffer from his/her parents mistakes. I had to take myself and place myself in another’s shoes to see how I would want to be treated if I were born into that situation. God loves us all, no matter how differently we sin. I know it will take you time, but if you choose to forgive your husband you need to accept his child. I do not say this to make you change your mind, but I say this because if you truly want God to change your heart and change your marriage, you need to give yourself to him to love God’s child (this new baby).
I have a beautiful stepson that just turned 2 years old on June 22. I also have my own 2 children ages 5 & 4 who are by my husband. I love my stepson no different than I love my own children. God has blessed me, even when I thought it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Do not live your life a lie and pretend that it never happened, you will never truly be happy.
I understand what you are saying about the child and believe me, I am trying hard to see it like you say. It’s just so hard. Maybe because everything is still so new… who knows?!? But as of now she wants him to have nothing to do with the child anyway. We haven’t even received any kind of order for child support or anything. This is all just so confusing and unfair to everyone.
In most cases I would say the man wins and that he is full of lies. What hurts so bad with this situation is he only lied to me. She knew all about me. He never complained to her about anything according to her, which is why I have so much hatred for her… she was just, in my opinion, one of those women who has probably been hurt so much that now she doesn’t care. Thing is I didn’t hurt her so there’s no need for her to come at me with the attitude that she does! Maybe things will get better and I will feel different later but right now I really don’t care how she feels or what she may or may not deserve.
I can relate to you. The other woman knew about me as well and she knew that we had children together. I truly believe deep down in my heart that she became pregnant with my husband’s baby intentionally to find a way out of her own marriage. Once my husband and I worked our relationship out she didn’t want him to have anything to do with his son. We spent months and months fighting in court and spent $10,000 to have a relationship with my stepson. Initially I didn’t want anything to do with him but God changed my heart and I am so grateful he did. Give it time and continue to pray and rely solely on faith. Best wishes to you and your family!
I recently found out that my husband of 23 years has been cheating on me for about the past 3 years and has a possible 2 year old daughter…we have 3 children of our own, 23, 17 and 14 year olds. The news was devasting to me and unbelievable, as I had no clue. However, I love him and want to work on our marriage; problem is that he says he is extremely angry at himself for what he did.
He doesn’t understand why he had the affair, that he failed me and fell for the temptation. He says he had it all – best wife, great kids, fairly new home, etc. He says he doesn’t deserve me; says that our marriage will never be the same because of his actions and that he can’t live in our marriage knowing what he did to me and our kids.
I feel helpless. And lonely, as I feel that I am losing the other half of my life, we had so many hopes and dreams…I know it will be tough, but I am willing to give it a try
Exact situation I am in. I refuse to give up on my marriage. We have invested too much into it. All I can say is he has to be ready for whatever it is you shell out on a daily even hourly basis. Whatever you need from him thru this he has to be willing to give. My husband feels terrible everyday. I see it and I know he’s sorry. We have good days and some not so good. But we communicate every feeling that comes up. Any questions I have he’s there to answer. It’s an uphill battle. You just have to be willing to climb…
I hear you take it day by day. We have or good and bad but we both have to keep fighting. I love him and he says he loves me but feels unworthy of me. In a way we dodged a biggest bullet because the woman just informed him the she miscarried so I’m relieved and so is he. But the pain of the affair is still there. Lets keep our heads up and keep praying for strength.
Hi, my name is Tyneisha. My boyfriend of 5 years had cheated on me while I was pregnant and now we found out he may have gotten another female pregnant. I just gave birth to my son on May 29th. His father ended up getting convicted and is now serving a 5 year sentence in prison. I’m trying to forgive him. We’ve talked about getting married after he comes home if we can make it through this battle. I love him so dearly and unconditionally. In my heart I still want to make things work and be with him. I’m just so embarrassed and I don’t want to forgive him because I’m afraid what my family may say. PLEASE HELP. I REALLY NEED GUIDANCE.
Hello, I have been sleeping with a married man on and off for seven months. He told me about his marriage after we slept together several times. He lives separately from his wife and children. We acted irresponsibly this month and had unprotected sex. I told him I may be pregnant. He said I must terminate the pregnancy or he will murder me. The child is healthily growing within me. I don’t wish to be in contact now with him because I don’t want him to hurt me or our child. I don’t want him either.
I have always been taught that a child won’t make him stay. Again I didn’t want him to begin with. I have a deep void within me that I was trying to fill with sex and always came up short and empty. Now I’m having a child without the father. This is not the life I envisioned for myself. I have always desired a two parent home for any children I may have been blessed to bear. Please pray for me. I want to be in right standing with God. I am Christian and I’ve fallen very, very short of the glory of God. May He forgive me and strengthen me for this journey ahead.
I have been married for 4 years. My husband is in the Navy. I just recently found out that he was having a affair for 9 months. I decided to forgive him. He has promise to never do anything to hurt me again, and he says he wants our marriage to work. I asked him why he cheated and he said due to the stress of us not getting pregnant, and being unhappy with not being a father just drove him elsewhere. But just 5 weeks later he finds out that the other woman is 5 weeks pregnant. But there is a possibility that he, may or may not be the farther.
I’m terrified because my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since we first said I do! I love this man, and I want to continue on making our marriage better, and continue on trying to get pregnant. But I’m soooo hurt. I don’t know what to do. I have no family to talk to, and we live so far away from family and friends, due to the military. I’m praying, and I even dragged him to church with me. I don’t know if things will get worst or better but I just don’t know if I can handle it.
Hey everyone. I could really use some real advice. I had an affair a little over 2 1/2 years ago. I had intentions of leaving my husband for an ex who I had stayed friends with for ten years. My husband suffered from PTSD, and one night after he slapped me, I called my ex crying and an affair started. I wanted out of my marriage, as my husband was drinking too much and he was sometimes verbally abusive.
Over time, this got better (although he still has some issues with his temper). My husband never found out about the affair. I got pregnant during the period in which I was having the affair. When I found out, I told my ex that I was pregnant, but he accused me of lying about being pregnant. At first I said it was my husband’s, but then I said it was his. I didn’t know and I was trying to make heads or tails. I was scared. I told him I was making an abortion appointment. I never made the abortion appointment and my ex never followed up about it. I thought about talking to him again, but anytime I tried to have a conversation with him about our relationship, he just dismissed it in some way.
I did not want an abortion, so I kept the baby. The due dates changed because at the time, I was switching around birth control pills which kept messing with my system. The last monthly period was really hard to pinpoint because I was spotting. When I got my due date, it appeared as though my daughter was my husband’s. My daughter arrived two weeks early, and at one of my ultrasounds, the dr. said that she was developing a week ahead of schedule. I had been with my ex just one week before. Because the due date implied my husband, I dismissed this information.
As my daughter has grown older, I started to notice that her hair was growing in reddish, like my ex. I had kept in contact with him somewhat for business, but I kept my mouth shut. I wanted to tell him, because I honestly really loved him, but I did not know how. Recently, he text me and said that he still loved me, and I told him of my suspicions. I asked him to submit to a paternity test, just so I could know. At first, he seemed to want nothing to do with it, but I said that I just needed to know so it wouldn’t continue to be looming over my head. I told him that I could go away, and I just wanted some answers. He asked me not to talk to him.
Now, the results are coming in in a day or two and he says he has a right to know and wants the results immediately. I don’t know what to expect from him. When I told him, he accused me of being a lying bipolar slut, which hurt me because, like I said, we had a 10 year friendship (only 8 months was an affair). He said that he told his gf about the predicament. Thing is, he cheated on her with me.
I know, this sounds all so awful. Now, I’m terrified of what he wants if she is his and what he or his gf will do if she is not. Because of his reaction when I told him, I’m not sure if he or she will try to destroy my marriage. I have a 15 year old son and a 15 month old daughter that are my top concerns. I’ve made some grave mistakes and bad decisions because I was terrified. My husband does have a temper, and so I even have concerns about safety. Please help someone. Please!!!
Odd that you are more concerned about your ex than what your husband thinks about this. What does your husband think about the possibility the child is not his?
If the child is not your husband’s, are you going to document that legally? Are you going to have the birth certificate corrected to reflect the biological father?
I’d hate to see your husband wrongly saddled with the financial responsibility of a child that is not his.
Please, tell us more about how you are going to make this right with your husband and less about your ex.