There’s no doubt that children change a marriage when they enter into your relationship! Most of the time the change is for the better. That is because children are cute and endearing and can usher in many times of laughter and fun. That has been our experience! But:
“The catch is that along with joy that children bring, their needs and demands often raise to the surface. They aggravate any pre-existing problems a couple has experienced. Unresolved problems from your own childhood can bubble up. ‘They can then threaten and even sink a relationship. If you know anyone who dreamed that having a child would cure an ailing marriage, you no doubt understand the problem. That is, with every additional member of your household, there’s more stress on those already there.” (Barbara Inger)
Children Change a Marriage
Now, we aren’t trying to talk couples out of having children. Children can definitely be a blessing! We know that from personal experience!
But (to the degree that you can) make sure that your relationship is as solid as possible, and that you resolve conflict in healthy ways. That’s because children put pressure upon your relationship in unimaginable ways; the conflict they bring IS inevitable. It will happen.
The question is (among many):
“What can couples do to avoid trouble, maintain and strengthen their partnership? Unfortunately, there’s no magic. You’ve just got to make it a priority. ‘Decide that you’re not going to let [your relationship] go. Be committed to making it work and to being in the marriage for the long haul,’ says Teresa Parr, Parent Coaching Consultant.
“‘Babies are loud about what they need. Marriages are not,’ Parr says. ‘It’s easy to neglect each other because other things are more urgent. But you have to save some time and energy for your spouse.’ Making time for each other may not be easy, but it’s essential. Schedule time together just as you would a meeting. ‘Put it on your calendar,’ urges Cohen. Even half an hour to talk and share your feelings will serve as a tonic for your relationship.
“Good communication is ‘the blood flow of the relationship,’ says Cohen. Tell each other what you want and need without criticism or accusation. Avoid using words such as ‘always’ or ‘never.’ Even when you disagree, ‘honor the differences’ between you, says Finneran. You do that by listening carefully and respectfully to your partner. Listen. Suggest and discuss ideas. Then, make your decisions together.” (Barbara Inger, in her article, “Marriage Matters: The Little Things Matter the Most”)
Overlooking What’s Important
Lately, what amazes us is how some spouses want a child so badly that he or she (or both) completely overlook how unhealthy their home is that this child would be born into (or has already been born into). Isn’t the child supposed to be considered here? He or she isn’t a toy without emotional and physical needs to be met. Nor are they a cute, playful puppy or a pacifier to make a parent feel better in a difficult situation. They also are not a reconciling tool to help “save” a marriage. Please consider this if you are considering or are attempting to have a child.
“So many couples today decide to have children for all the wrong reasons. They believe that having children will bring an end to all the pain in their lives. Somehow the home will magically become filled with love and warmth when they bring the baby through the door. They somehow hold on to the belief that the addition of children into the marital mix will serve as a way to solve problems that the marital relationship may be having. This belief is based on the idea that once we have a baby, everything good will only get better and everything bad will disappear.
“Actually, the opposite is true. A baby often makes things worse. If the couple doesn’t deal with the problems, they already were having, the problems will most likely rear their ugly heads again. Why? Because unresolved conflict always shows back up. And now you will be sleep-deprived and cranky when it gets there. You will be even less likely to resolve it with a baby crying in the background.” (Dr Debbie Cherry, from the book, “Child-proofing Your Marriage”)
Grow Up Time
That is one of the many reasons that if you’re already pregnant or you have a child (or children), it is grow up time. The goal isn’t just to help your child to grow up; you both need to grow up in maturity, as well. You need to do the best you can to work on your relationship to give your children the best home environment possible. If your spouse isn’t as committed as he or she should be to the marriage, then you do the best you can, given the circumstances, with the Lord’s help and guidance. But if you don’t have a child yet, NOW is the best time to make your relationship solid beforehand. That is because:
“When baby makes three… a solid, stable relationship between marriage partners is especially important when children enter the picture for two reasons. The first is because parents model how to have a loving relationship. The second is because it’s a lot more fun.” (Sherry Finneran)
And even though parenting can be fun, it’s important to note:
“…Family study experts say that the birth of the first child is a major crisis for couples… Most couples have only a vague idea of what is entailed in the task of parenthood let alone the changes, which occur in the marital relationship. One of the biggest adjustments is how to integrate this new person into the family so all three lives are enhanced.” (H. Norman Wright)
Did you get that? It’s so “ALL THREE LIVES are enhanced.” It’s not just the wife (mother), child (children), or the husband (father). The goal is to enhance all of your lives.
Too often, parenthood takes over the enjoyment spouses have with each other. They put their marriages on the back burner, so to speak. As Rebecca Dawson says (and we agree):
“How in tune you feel with your spouse has the potential to decrease after having a child. But this doesn’t need to be the case! Remember that technically you are one. Genesis 2:24 says, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.‘ Both you and your spouse must make the effort to continue nurturing your marriage relationship.”
The Many Challenges of Raising a Child
Be good, loving and attentive parents, but also, don’t forget to be good, loving and attentive marriage partners. As Dave Willis says, “Don’t put your marriage on hold while you’re raising your kids or else, you’ll end up with an empty nest and an empty marriage.” And that’s true! Your marriage should not be sacrificed at the altar of parenthood. Yes, there will be challenging times, but make sure those times don’t take over your whole marriage relationship. Grow your marriage relationship AS you help your child to grow.
Whatever you do, please don’t allow your home to be so child-focused that you neglect your marriage relationship. Yes, children have needs (and they can often appear to be more needy than your marriage). But they also need to know that their home is secure because their parents are tending to their marriage, as well.
Prayerfully Consider the following:
“One of the big struggles with marriages today is the tendency to put our kids’ needs before those of our spouse. What we don’t realize is that child-centered marriages are often weak marriages. And in the long run child-centered marriages hurt the kids more than they help them. If your spouse is not getting his or her emotional needs met by you, often he or she will pour all their energy into the children. The end result is an unhealthy marriage relationship.
“Obviously, I’m not talking about neglecting your children. I just want to emphasize the importance of seeking to keep your marriage vows a major priority. When children see a marriage relationship of integrity, they’ll feel more secure. In fact, Scripture says, ‘He who walks with integrity walks securely.'” (Proverbs 10:9) (Jim Burns, from the book, Creating an Intimate Marriage)
Children Change a Marriage One Way or Another
Again, children change a marriage. This is true whether it is because we have them or we want them (or others want them for us). Whatever may be happening in your life right now, look to God to help you. Don’t neglect your marriage relationship. Go with God on this.
And please know that we have many additional articles that might further help you in the Children’s Effect on Marriage topic of this web site. A few of them are:
• A CHILD CHANGES THE DYNAMICS OF YOUR MARRIED LIFE
• CHILDREN ARE HARD ON A MARRIAGE
– ALSO –
• CAN YOU HAVE A SATISFYING SEX LIFE AFTER HAVING KIDS?
• PRACTICAL ADVICE ON PARENTING TOGETHER
Plus, there are a whole lot more we have posted concerning that topic that you may find helpful. We pray God ministers to you in whatever circumstance you find yourself.
“The blessing of the LORD be upon you! We bless you in the name of the LORD!” (Psalm 129:8)
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
ALSO:
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