How do you cope when your spou
se is unemployed? What is a spouse supposed to do—actually, both spouses?
As one author said:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)
Another author said this about being unemployed:
“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.
“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage
)
Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners. It’s especially difficult when the challenges are overwhelming and are coming at you from all sides. This type of situation works over-time on your mind and how you interact as husband and wife.
Christina Woodside, knows what it’s like to be a wife whose husband loses a job.
She writes,
“I heard the garage door opening. It was only 5 o’clock. Don certainly was home early. Lately he had been working long days, much too long. ‘I sure hope they appreciate his hard work,’ I often thought. ‘He deserves to come home early one day. I’m so glad he’s finally doing it.’
“But as I glanced up from the sink full of dishes, one look at his face told me something was wrong. My smile faded and before I could say anything, he painfully murmured, ‘I got a pink slip today, along with 150 other people.’ The company had been hiding its financial problems until now. We were stunned. For a man, especially one in his early fifties with two kids in college, news like this can be devastating.”
She then goes on to write some tips for “Supporting Your Spouse Emotionally and Spiritually.” To learn more, click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read:
• WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LOSES HIS JOB
Laurie Jackson voiced her journey with her husband’s unemployment this way.
She wrote:
“When my husband, Dennis, first began job hunting, I’d hold my breath as I waited for him to appear at the door, eager for a glimpse of his face to tell me if his day had been a success. But now, 15 months after he became a statistic —one of 300 laid off by his employer of six years —I can tell how his day’s gone simply by the way his feet hit the steps leading from the garage into the house. Today his footsteps are heavy, as though he’s carrying the weight of the world.
“All these months I’ve watched Dennis stuff hundreds of resumés into the mailbox and pound away at the computer keyboard, courageously sending hundreds more electronically. I’ve waved good-bye to him as he drives off early in the morning to face another day of approaching unapproachable receptionists at companies that ‘are not hiring.’ And I’ve greeted his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes upon his return after another unproductive afternoon.
Lowered Expectations
“I’ve seen Dennis lower his expectations, then lower them further. An electronics technician with a sterling work record and more than 20 years’ experience in his field, he first sought a comparable job. After a few months, Dennis expanded his search to include entry-level positions in his field, expecting that would do the trick. His wink and nod assured me we’d find a way to get by for a while on the lower salary. But after several weeks went by with no interviews, much less job offers, he began to respond to every job posting for which he was qualified —and, more often than not, overqualified.
“He then began to be turned away for jobs on a whole different level: gas station attendant, custodian, grocery clerk, and school crossing guard, to name a few. And while I was proud of his willingness to do whatever job it took to put food on the table, it was at that point I became afraid.
“My fear stemmed from all the unknowns: What if Dennis doesn’t find work soon? How long can we go without his income? What will happen to us when the unemployment insurance expires, or our savings runs dry? In the beginning, I was Dennis’ biggest cheerleader. But the more time goes by, the more discouraged, despondent, and bewildered Dennis becomes. And the more tired I get.”
To learn more, please read of Laurie Jackson’s journey concerning (plus the additional article, “A Woman’s Work” written by Holly Vicente Robaina). And then there’s another couple who survives job loss, which was written about in an article by Sherri Langton.
Concerning being unemployed and laid off, please read:
• LAID OFF
— ALSO —
Maybe you’ve even gotten to the place, as Laurie Jackson did. You’re so tired and each day drags onto the next, with no end in sight. Fear, anger, and a whole range of emotions have overtaken any optimism you could ever have.
Sarah Canney found herself in that place and writes the following:
“When my husband lost his job and his self-esteem, I had to learn a lesson in grace and patience.”
You can read about it in this linked article below:
Lori Fletcher, in the Familylifetoday.com article linked to below, discusses “Seven ways a wife can show her support.” As you, or your wife may know, this isn’t easy. Yet you want to do all you can so you don’t cause more problems. She writes:
“As the wife of a man who no longer has somewhere to go everyday, where do you start in showing your support?
To learn more about being unemployed, read:
• COPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND’S JOB LOSS
Roberta Rand Caponey, gives her advice when:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse” to the test.”
You can learn from her experience in the Focus on the Family article linked below:
• COPING WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED
Unfortunately, the testimonies and the advice within the linked articles above, come from the standpoint of the husband losing the job. The wife is the spouse who is trying to cope. Unfortunately, in doing my research on the Internet, these are the only types of articles I’ve been able to find. So I’ve given the information I can, accordingly.
I hope if you are the husband reading this article, trying to cope with your wife losing her job, you’ve been able to flip around the pronouns. Glean through the insights given. In your search for information, if what you find isn’t a custom-fit, ask the Holy Spirit to personalize and show HIS insights. Glean through what you are able to find.
You may even feel a tug to re-read that which is written above from that perspective. If so, allow the Holy Spirit to be your interpreter and your “Wonderful Counselor.”
Whatever you do, please be intentional in working on your marriage relationship, at least on your part. You may not be able to control what your spouse does or does, but do what the Lord would have you do. Love, as Christ loves you.
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” –Barbara Johnson
Some things that Paul Tripp wrote in his book, What Did You Expect? may give you different insights than you had thought of previously.
He wrote:
“God is in control not only of the locations in which you live, but also of the influences that have shaped you as a person. He has not only written the story of you and your spouse and determined that your stories would intersect, but he has controlled all the things that have made you different from one another.
“As you struggle, you must not view your marriage as bad luck, or poor planning, or as a mess that you made for yourself. God is right smack-dab in the middle of your struggle. He is not surprised by what you are facing today. He is up to something. [The question is, will you participate with Him in this, or fight against Him?]
“…God is working to rescue you from you, to deliver you from sin, and to form the character of Jesus in you. Marriage, the world’s most long-term and comprehensive relationship, is taking place in the middle of sanctification, the world’s most important unfinished process. Why would God do this? Hasn’t he gotten the proverbial cart before the proverbial horse? Well, the reason this doesn’t seem to make sense to us is that our purpose for marriage tends to be different from the Lord’s. We’re just not on God’s agenda page.
“Our desire is that our marriages would be the location of our comfort, ease, and enjoyment; we often have desires no bigger than this. But God’s purpose is that each of our marriages would be a tool for something that is way more miraculous and glorious than our tiny, little, self-focused definition of happiness. He has designed marriage to be one of his most effective and efficient tools of personal holiness. God has designed your marriage to change you.”
Paul Tripp also wrote:
“There are moments in our marriages when we’re crying out for grace, not recognizing that we’re getting it. We’re not getting the grace of relief or release, because that isn’t the grace we really need. No, what we’re getting is something we desperately need, the uncomfortable grace of personal growth and change. With the love of a Father, your Lord is prying open your hands so you’ll let go of that which rules your heart but will never satisfy you.
With the insight of a seasoned teacher, He is driving you to question your own wisdom so that you will let go of your understanding and rest in His. And with the skill of the world’s best counselor, God is showing you the delusions of your control so that you will take comfort in His rule. With the gentleness of a faithful friend He is facing you toward the inadequacies of your own righteousness so that you find hope in Him.
“When you are tired and uncomfortable because you have been called to live with someone who is not like you, what you tell yourself about what you are going through is very important. It is in this moment that you must preach to yourself the theology of uncomfortable grace (See Romans 5; James 1; and 1 Peter 1), because when you do, you begin to be less resistant and more appreciative, and you are on your way to forging a marriage of unity, understanding, and love.”
Susan, from the U.S., gave the following advice on the Marriage Missions web site on this subject a while back, that I’d like to close this article with because I believe it’s helpful for us all to keep in mind no matter what the trial has assaulted our marriage.
She shared:
“My husband has been unemployed for almost two years. I confess that I have been more like a shrewish hag than a shrine of encouragement. In seeing this ugliness in me I’ve been able to go to the Lord and become transformed. There is a renewing of my mind, which is really what walking with Christ is all about.
“What it is doing for my husband is between Him and the Lord. I’m learning to keep taking it to Him over and over again until I’m transformed into His image. I sure make a lot of trips to Him through all this, and through it all He provides all we need.
“So, my female friends —lose the mommy act with your man. Take your woes to Christ —He has what you need. And don’t feel bad about bugging the Lord —He doesn’t mind a bit and you can’t hurt His feelings. You’ll walk away a new creature. Kumbaya, friends, Kumbaya.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Assorted Marriage Issues
(NAMIBIA) I have lived half of my married life with an unemployed spouse and it is the most difficult situation I have ever had to endure. He has since found temporary employment but away from home. One would have expected relief after shouldering the family finances responsibility for most of the time but my husband has not offered such relief. I have tried bringing this up for discussion but nothing has changed. All I get are promises after promises.
The thought of raising our 3 (2 of which are school going) children by myself angers me so much that I have considered divorce several times. I taken care of all the bills at home (from the mortgage, the food to the transport for the school-going children) while he sits in another town unconcerned. Is there any way I can get him to pitch in?
(CANADA) I moved across the country 4yrs ago for a common-law husband who’s been having issues keeping a job ever since I moved. Well, he jackhammered through his foot last October. He was on worker’s comp until mid January which he then went back to work on modified duties for about a week then quit because his foot hurt. He said he would go to his physio. He never did. It’s a year after his accident, and he claims to look for work in the oil field and construction… but I don’t understand why it’s been almost a year and still no one has even called him to arrange an interview! I do so much as mention I’m going to get a 2nd job and he flips out and says he’s going to leave and take the car (I’ve been paying 500$/month for the car and 230$/month insurance) and says that I won’t have to worry about him or the car payments ever again. It would be all nice to just take that offer except
1) I love him
2) I’ve put so much money into him and his assets (and dragged myself into debt)
3) I work 30 mins out of town and there’s no possible car pool.
I told him one of us is going to get a job as a cashier or grocery store clerk but considering I already work 40 hrs a week, I feel it shouldn’t be me. He just keeps on his track of checking the e-mails I send him (“send this job to a friend”)… I don’t know if he actually applies or not…
All I know is that he sleeps from 8am-1pm. He wakes up for 2-3hrs, “applies for jobs”, aka plays video games, then goes to sleep around 7pm. Wakes up around 11pm, and plays video games all night.
I’m just starting to feel so exhausted and frustrated that I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I love him and he’s great, but I shouldn’t be posting this story. I shouldn’t be crying right now just thinking how I’ve been played all of this time. I shouldn’t be looking into a 2nd job. He isn’t my child, he’s his mother’s child. She hasn’t called to see how he’s doing or try to push him for jobs and all of his family just feels like I’m the bad guy here forcing my husband to work. It feels like I’ve dug my own grave and now I’m just sitting here waiting for one more bill to cover me with dirt.
I’m 21, I shouldn’t be stuck in the situation I am with a 28 year old husband, a 31 year old brother in law, and a 25 year old cousin in law ALL hanging out at my apartment all day! I wish I could just tell all three of them to go get jobs and that I’m locking my apartment until 5pm. See you then.
I didn’t think life was going to be like this. If I had, I never would have moved. I never would have gotten into a car accident without insurance (because my husband couldn’t pay for it at the time) and owe the guy who hit me 15,000$. I never would have let my husband sign his 26% interest car for 6 years (that I need to drive to work in). I never would have even talked to him on the phone.
I wish there was an opportunity out there to rewind time back to when I was 18 and stupid, yet know what I know now. Don’t move to Alberta, it’s nothing like it seems.
(AUSTRALIA) My boyfriend has been unemployed for nine months now. He left his job to go and live in / renovate a house I bought in the eastern states for six months. He was supposed to get work over there but couldn’t. He was supposed to pay me some rent but couldn’t afford to. I ended up paying both the mortgage over there and the rent here by myself. Some weeks I was working up to 75 hours per week- doing two jobs. I also paid for all the paint and materials for the renovation. Before he left I had paid my credit card off in full. This was a goal that I had for almost eight years and I achieved it.
Then his car broke down and slowly but surely that sent me back onto the track of my credit card almost being maxed out again. When he returned home he still hasn’t been able to find work. He is moody, angry, quick to snap and sometimes just compltetely ignores me. We no longer can afford to go out anymore. My teeth are overdue for dentist. I can’t afford new clothes. The frustrating thing – I work as a highly skilled professional nurse recieving a fabulous hourly rate. This just covers the bills of two people. And I still can’t afford new clothes or massages like I used to get.
I am giving it another few months and then I think I will have to cut this man lose. I do love him. I am almost 39 and we were trying for a family. Will that be my last chance? I don’t know. Can I live like this for much longer? NO.
(USA) So, has anyone found an answer? My husband has been out of work for 10 months. This is the third time he’s been laid off in nearly 10 years of marriage. We have a special needs daughter, 7. I was a self employed mortgage banker for about five years but when the industry crashed, I switched to working in the public schools. I am thankful I have full time work and we have wonderful health coverage. My employer will pay for half the fees it takes for me to get my teaching certificate. So, I’m working full time and going to school at night.
My husband has had a few job interviews but has been rejected every time. He has gained weight, is depressed and our sex life is nonexistent. Christmas will be very lean this year. I can’t sleep at night because I’m worried about all the what ifs… losing our home, providing for our daughter, etc. Will the Lord help us all? Does he hear our cries? We are all suffering. Is it bringing us closer to him?
This has been such a strain to my marriage. I get resentful that he doesn’t help more with the cooking, cleaning and spending quality time with our daughter. I am so exhausted from trying to be all and do all. I too need to learn how to cope. I keep picking up my Bible but the right verse for all of this hasn’t jumped out at me. Advice? Thanks.
(USA) My husband has been unemployed since April. Instead of immediately looking for work, he decided to take some time off and regroup. He spends countless hours playing games on the computer, napping and watching tv. Reluctantly, I gave him a couple of months to get it out of his system, then told him he needed to start looking for work.
He did not put much effort into finding a job. Maybe he thought a job would find him. He saw a doctor in October who told him he was depressed and put him on medicine. I don’t know if he’s really “depressed” or just using that diagnosis as a crutch– yet another reason to not find a job. I’m frustrated, angry, tired and sad. Is my 20+ year marriage going to make it through this?
(USA) To Pattycake: I am in the exact situation. I’ve been married for 20 years. My husband has been unemployed since Thanksgiving 2009. I just want you to hold on. Remember, God never puts more on us than we can bear. Sometimes, I think there is a reason for all this stress. Maybe, it’s a test. A test of our patience and love. So again, just hang in there and don’t give up.
(USA) Here it is a new year, and I am wondering what have I gotten myself into. I am watching my GF get ready to get her pot (of which I pay for) and I sit here and work. I am filled with so much anger that I cannot stand the sight of her any longer. She is on SSI (now has no reason) and refuses to work although her $750 does not contribute to bills at all. All my bills have doubled since she moved in. She does clean a little but spends most of her time watching TV, on My Space and Facebook, or taking a nap. I work 65-70 hours a week and I am tired. I had a nice savings account and that is depleted. I never had credit card debt but I have $1500 on that. I have tried to talk to her to no avail. I am realizing it is time for her to go – I am tired.
(USA) Well, since she is just a girl friend, let her know that she has to move out. Sometimes it really is just that siimple.
(DUBAI) Well, since she is just a gf, not even a fiancee, why do you put up with such a behaviour? Is that what you want of your future wife? Run while it’s still clear. You guys are not even engaged and even if you were, better a broken engagement than a broken marriage!
(USA) I was starting to feel I was alone in the world. I am having the same issues as many of you on here. My husband has been unemployed for almost a year now. He has not actively looked for employment since he was laid off. I have taken on the role of applying for jobs for him and creating a resume and cover letter for him.
Day by day, my anger is getting to me as I feel I should not be the only one working here. He also has child support to pay and I don’t feel that is my responsibility. We have been married 4 years and are in our 50s. I feel it’s ruining our marriage.
(USA) I married my husband in1997. He was 62 and working. I am 20 years younger. I told him prior to marriage that I did not want to work. I have been working since age 13. We are both college educated. My husband stopped working one year after we were married. I have been working 2 jobs the last nine years with no end in sight. I have begged pleaded etc for him to contribute, however, I realize now that it will never change. Any suggestions?
(USA) This unemployment issue and trying to get help is hopeless. After my lay-off, my parents became ill so I started helping take care of them. My husband said I had changed and insisted I go to the Dr. An MRI revealed I had too much fluid around my brain and enlarged ventricles requiring surgery. The surgeon said I had depression from everything and to go to counseling and then he would send me to a surgeon in a larger city. This disease is treatable but not curable. It causes dementia, loss of coordination, lack of memory focus, etc.
In the meantime I was still helping with my parents and a daughter in her first year of college. Daddy got worse and he died the first of Feb. with congestive heart failure. After that my husband said he was not going to work the rest of his life supporting us and not enjoying his life. Mama has Alzheimers, so I still help with her and this is 70 miles away.
Well, my husband goes out of state to work and doesn’t send home money. I still have not seen a counselor but am about ready to blow my brains out. I have always been a positive, giving, Christian who loved life, but this has got me to the point I really don’t care about anything. The sad thing is my daughter is becoming that way. It is 3:30 a.m. here and I just don’t sleep. All I do is call, e-mail or contact any org. to try to help out with something. I sometimes scream God I cannot take this and I really do not know how long I am going to last. I want to get a loan and pay the bills some where I can have money to go get help.
My symptoms are worse and I have migraines. I don’t even go to church anymore. I stay here and go take care of mom. I sell anything I can to make money. I could sell all the clothes and dishes, I really do not care. I just pray that I will make it through but I talk to no one except the people in charities and org. that say they cannot help. I really do not see a way out, and I hate this so bad for my daughter. I would rather her be dead too, than to have her fend for herself.
My parents would never believe I was in this situation or let my child be in it. I need help but there is none. It is so hopeless, no one cares at all these places. I have a stack of bills and looks like no medical help, so I will quickly fall. I wish my daughter did not have to go through this. Life has turned from happy to a tragic ending. Job loss, incurable disease, parents so ill and losing my dad and my biggest supporter has walked out, and no money, we eat crackers or whatever. We are two depressed people and it is just a matter of probably a few days. No one cares anyway.
(USA) Debra, Please go to your nearest Emergency Room for help. Contact the Suicide Prventions Lifeline organization (1 800 273-8255) – http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org for counseling and intervention. You are a valuable person to our society, to your family and most of all to GOD!!! Please seek some counseling… I look forward to other email messages from you.
(USA) Debra, We are in total agreement with Hope and are praying for you that somehow you see that you are not abandoned and that there is HOPE and light despite the darkness that you have been experiencing lately. I am so, so sorry that you have experienced such darkness and aloneness lately. Please do as she said and don’t give up.
We also suggest if that doesn’t get you the help you need to call Focus On The Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY and ask for their counseling department number explaining the gravity of the situation. They probably know of some resources /places near you that can help as well. Another place would be to find a Salvation Army Church (even if it’s in another town) and make a copy of what you wrote to us and bring it to one of the Army officers — particularly seek out a female officer, and see what they can do to help you.
Keep knocking at these doors and whatever other doors you can until someone extends the hand of God to help you in your situation. Please know our prayers and love are with you and your daughter.
(USA) The only comfort I think we’ve seen here is that we’re not alone. My husband lost his job 1.5 years ago. This month will mark our 10 year anniversary. Unfortunately, it’s the third time he’s lost his job during our marriage. We have a 7-year-old daughter with special needs. I’ve prayed every day for the Lord to see us through this trial in our lives. Is he listening? My husband’s unemployment will run out in Sept. Thankfully, I have a full time job but it’s not enough to pay our bills. He MUST find something, anything this summer or we will lose our home. It would be wonderful if a Christian counselor could chime in and give us all some useful advice telling us all how to cope with all this stress. Thanks.
(USA) My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years (however have been together 13). He has always been very responsible when it comes to paying his half of the bills. He is collecting unemployment at the current time. I have been employed with the same place for 10 years now. I make “ok” money, nothing to brag about! My benefits and retirement are what I am thankful for!
He has been employed throughout our entire relationship up until about 2 years ago. The company he was working for was basically downsizing. Although I think that his attitude towards another employee over the years made his employer get “fed up.”
He was unemployed for months, said he was looking for work, however his idea of looking for work is sitting in front of the computer while watching television. He finally landed a job for about 9 months but that didn’t work out (again I think his attitude, got in his way)
He is a good person, but very stubborn. He does not like to take direction from his superiors and is very strong willed. He will not play the “politically correct” game. ( I borrowed this from someone above :)). He now sits at home every day, watching tv, looking on the internet. I finally said to him the other day, do you think you are going to find a job that way? His response, “that’s how I found the last one”. I just think if the roles were reversed his attitude we be very different towards me. I made the mistake of saying that to him this morning, now he is mad.
We have a house, things need to be done… he does things, but they either do not get finished, or he is moaning and groaning about being in pain. Maybe that’s because he needs to get up off the couch? I am at wits end here… I told him this morning he needs to snap out of it. I don’t think that is going to be enough! Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.
(USA) It’s good to see I am not alone. My now husband lost his job 1.5 years ago at a large bank. He had never been unemployed before so we surely didn’t think this would last. We got engaged shortly after and are now married. During this time, we moved because I found a job in a different town (after I had been laid off as well). While I believe he wants to work and is depressed about not contributing, I think he could do more.
The only thing he does is applying online. I have told him time and time again that that is not enough. Yet he refuses to do anything beyond that – going to local networking events etc. His benefits are about to run out so I keep hinting at the fact that he will soon just have to take ANY job – Target if need be.
I have also encouraged him to sell his motorcycle at least which he is not thrilled about – and it is certainly not sold yet. I want to be there for him and encourage him but at the same time I feel like he could do more to find a job. He always finds reasons for why this or that wouldn’t work out or is a bad idea. My attitude is ‘just give it a try first!’
We are newlyweds and want to renovate our house, go on vacations, and eventually start a family. I am afraid I will start resenting my husband because I am not able to start a family without him having a job. He recently started his own business, photography, which I am so excited about! But the same behavior pattern here – he could do more to promote it and actually make money. He posts his website online and hopes people will just magically appear out of nowhere. I encouraged him to talk to local businesses, non-profits, etc. to at least build a portfolio and get the word out. To this date – nothing. I feel like I am turning into a nagging, annoying wife which I don’t want to be. But my patience is running low. Luckily my income is enough for us to get by and to stay in our house. But I am more worried about the bigger picture – what if he never changes and gets a job?
(USA) Maja, Sitting here pouring tears, reading page after page, I’ve been hoping to read a story similar to mine, and hoping it’ll help console me in some small way. You and your story mirrors much of mine. I’m wondering how your situation is now that two years has past. I wonder if you’ll ever get this. I’d love to hear from you, and anything that has helped you to cope.
(USA) I will be married 4 years in September and my husband has been unemployed a total of 2.5 years. We have one child. I have always worked. I work full time and have since our marriage. I have a salary that allows for a comfortable living with excellent benefits. He is now in the process of changing his career. I support this because I am tired of this life. I still feel that he should do something part time or on the weekends. I am afraid to mention this because the arguments have been horrible. I have been seeing a therapist for 4 months with little success. I am so resentful, disgusted and bitter. I have a complete lack of respect for this man. I cannot take it anymore. Any words of advice will help. I seek solace in the fact that there are other women out there.
(ENGLAND) Hi, I’m glad I have found this site because I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and half years. He lost his job just before we got together, which caused him to have sleeping problems. So on top of being fed up, angry because he had lost his job; he was also tired. He didn’t want to look for work because he felt horrible about himself for losing the job.
After about three months of being together he stopped wanting to go out. He would only go out if he had to for something (normally games or cigs). He would ask me to buy them for him, and if I refused he would say he didn’t want me coming around and we would end up arguing. If there was a game coming out he really wanted, I would get it and after he played he traded it in for another one (which normally took ten days).
We have split a few times, not because I want to, but because I didn’t know where to turn. I wanted to go out but found it really hard to cope because I didn’t feel like it cause he wasn’t getting anywhere. I said to him after about a year that he should get counseling to help him to cope. He just carried on playing his game as if I hadn’t said it. So I said to him I don’t feel you want me anymore which I knew he did but couldn’t show it because of how he was feeling.
We are two years down the line and he’s had counseling and he is looking for work. We still argue, but we are also starting to spend time together again. He still doesn’t like going out much because he wants to pay for things himself. I’m just hoping a job’s around the corner because he’s had few interviews which makes him feel that people do want him and he can get a job. But I’m hoping to get counseling because I’m finding things so hard. Hope this has helped.
(USA) I am grateful to have found this, at least to know that I am not alone. I’m married to a man who has held dozens of low paying jobs in the 8 years we have been together, despite having a Master’s Degree, but always manages to get fired or laid off. It’s never “his fault”. He was showing some promise in teaching, but then sabotaged that too by not completing a college class he needed to earn continuing education credits. When he’s not working a lot, he gets depressed and looks at porn. I have caught him calling up sex phone lines too many times to count and he’s admitted he has a problem with it stemming from childhood abuse. He got counseling for it and I let this go.
Last summer, like many families, we lost our home and one of our cars because we couldn’t afford to pay the monthly bills anymore. We are over $100K in debt due to student loans, credit card debt and past due medical bills. This year, we are barely scraping by on the little income he gets from his part time job. I own a small virtual company and work part time outside the home to make ends meet. My 19 year old son from my first marriage works part time and is saving up for college. I drive an old clunker car, but hey at least it’s paid for.
I allowed my husband to get involved in my business since he has some skills in my industry, but now he can’t seem to handle that. We have been to our pastor for counseling. My husband tries for a little while, but then goes back to his irresponsible self. I have tried to lift him up, but where is my encouragement? I just keep praying that my husband will get a clue. I am now so discouraged, getting depressed and have lost complete respect for my husband and all I can do is feel resentment and anger towards him. What can I do? How long should I wait?