How do you cope when your spou
se is unemployed? What is a spouse supposed to do—actually, both spouses?
As one author said:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse’ to the test. Unemployment rates high on the list, along with death and divorce, as one of life’s top stress-inducing events. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources and guidance for those coping with their own unemployment. But what about the rest of the family? Unemployment impacts spouses and children, too.” (Roberta Rand)
Another author said this about being unemployed:
“Nobody likes to think about being unemployed. But it’s a state that’s more and more common. Whether due to corporate ‘right-sizing,’ termination, or career change, it’s always an uneasy time. What causes the stress? First, the spouse who’s lost his or her job may have suffered a serious blow to the identity. This is especially true for husbands, since most men largely define themselves by their work. They also tend to believe that the husband’s earnings are the family’s primary income, whether that belief is stated or not.
“Second, many couples haven’t saved enough money to get them through a prolonged period of unemployment. Running out of money is a real possibility, depending on how long joblessness lasts. So is going into debt with credit cards or losing a house if you default on a mortgage. All this weighs heavily on both partners, especially the one who feels most responsible to ‘win the bread.” (Sandra Lundberg, from the book, The First Five Years of Marriage
)
Coping when your spouse is unemployed can be difficult for any married partners. It’s especially difficult when the challenges are overwhelming and are coming at you from all sides. This type of situation works over-time on your mind and how you interact as husband and wife.
Christina Woodside, knows what it’s like to be a wife whose husband loses a job.
She writes,
“I heard the garage door opening. It was only 5 o’clock. Don certainly was home early. Lately he had been working long days, much too long. ‘I sure hope they appreciate his hard work,’ I often thought. ‘He deserves to come home early one day. I’m so glad he’s finally doing it.’
“But as I glanced up from the sink full of dishes, one look at his face told me something was wrong. My smile faded and before I could say anything, he painfully murmured, ‘I got a pink slip today, along with 150 other people.’ The company had been hiding its financial problems until now. We were stunned. For a man, especially one in his early fifties with two kids in college, news like this can be devastating.”
She then goes on to write some tips for “Supporting Your Spouse Emotionally and Spiritually.” To learn more, click onto the Crosswalk.com web site link to read:
• WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LOSES HIS JOB
Laurie Jackson voiced her journey with her husband’s unemployment this way.
She wrote:
“When my husband, Dennis, first began job hunting, I’d hold my breath as I waited for him to appear at the door, eager for a glimpse of his face to tell me if his day had been a success. But now, 15 months after he became a statistic —one of 300 laid off by his employer of six years —I can tell how his day’s gone simply by the way his feet hit the steps leading from the garage into the house. Today his footsteps are heavy, as though he’s carrying the weight of the world.
“All these months I’ve watched Dennis stuff hundreds of resumés into the mailbox and pound away at the computer keyboard, courageously sending hundreds more electronically. I’ve waved good-bye to him as he drives off early in the morning to face another day of approaching unapproachable receptionists at companies that ‘are not hiring.’ And I’ve greeted his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes upon his return after another unproductive afternoon.
Lowered Expectations
“I’ve seen Dennis lower his expectations, then lower them further. An electronics technician with a sterling work record and more than 20 years’ experience in his field, he first sought a comparable job. After a few months, Dennis expanded his search to include entry-level positions in his field, expecting that would do the trick. His wink and nod assured me we’d find a way to get by for a while on the lower salary. But after several weeks went by with no interviews, much less job offers, he began to respond to every job posting for which he was qualified —and, more often than not, overqualified.
“He then began to be turned away for jobs on a whole different level: gas station attendant, custodian, grocery clerk, and school crossing guard, to name a few. And while I was proud of his willingness to do whatever job it took to put food on the table, it was at that point I became afraid.
“My fear stemmed from all the unknowns: What if Dennis doesn’t find work soon? How long can we go without his income? What will happen to us when the unemployment insurance expires, or our savings runs dry? In the beginning, I was Dennis’ biggest cheerleader. But the more time goes by, the more discouraged, despondent, and bewildered Dennis becomes. And the more tired I get.”
To learn more, please read of Laurie Jackson’s journey concerning (plus the additional article, “A Woman’s Work” written by Holly Vicente Robaina). And then there’s another couple who survives job loss, which was written about in an article by Sherri Langton.
Concerning being unemployed and laid off, please read:
• LAID OFF
— ALSO —
Maybe you’ve even gotten to the place, as Laurie Jackson did. You’re so tired and each day drags onto the next, with no end in sight. Fear, anger, and a whole range of emotions have overtaken any optimism you could ever have.
Sarah Canney found herself in that place and writes the following:
“When my husband lost his job and his self-esteem, I had to learn a lesson in grace and patience.”
You can read about it in this linked article below:
Lori Fletcher, in the Familylifetoday.com article linked to below, discusses “Seven ways a wife can show her support.” As you, or your wife may know, this isn’t easy. Yet you want to do all you can so you don’t cause more problems. She writes:
“As the wife of a man who no longer has somewhere to go everyday, where do you start in showing your support?
To learn more about being unemployed, read:
• COPING WITH YOUR HUSBAND’S JOB LOSS
Roberta Rand Caponey, gives her advice when:
“The loss of a job can put the vow ‘for better or for worse” to the test.”
You can learn from her experience in the Focus on the Family article linked below:
• COPING WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS UNEMPLOYED
Unfortunately, the testimonies and the advice within the linked articles above, come from the standpoint of the husband losing the job. The wife is the spouse who is trying to cope. Unfortunately, in doing my research on the Internet, these are the only types of articles I’ve been able to find. So I’ve given the information I can, accordingly.
I hope if you are the husband reading this article, trying to cope with your wife losing her job, you’ve been able to flip around the pronouns. Glean through the insights given. In your search for information, if what you find isn’t a custom-fit, ask the Holy Spirit to personalize and show HIS insights. Glean through what you are able to find.
You may even feel a tug to re-read that which is written above from that perspective. If so, allow the Holy Spirit to be your interpreter and your “Wonderful Counselor.”
Whatever you do, please be intentional in working on your marriage relationship, at least on your part. You may not be able to control what your spouse does or does, but do what the Lord would have you do. Love, as Christ loves you.
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.” –Barbara Johnson
Some things that Paul Tripp wrote in his book, What Did You Expect? may give you different insights than you had thought of previously.
He wrote:
“God is in control not only of the locations in which you live, but also of the influences that have shaped you as a person. He has not only written the story of you and your spouse and determined that your stories would intersect, but he has controlled all the things that have made you different from one another.
“As you struggle, you must not view your marriage as bad luck, or poor planning, or as a mess that you made for yourself. God is right smack-dab in the middle of your struggle. He is not surprised by what you are facing today. He is up to something. [The question is, will you participate with Him in this, or fight against Him?]
“…God is working to rescue you from you, to deliver you from sin, and to form the character of Jesus in you. Marriage, the world’s most long-term and comprehensive relationship, is taking place in the middle of sanctification, the world’s most important unfinished process. Why would God do this? Hasn’t he gotten the proverbial cart before the proverbial horse? Well, the reason this doesn’t seem to make sense to us is that our purpose for marriage tends to be different from the Lord’s. We’re just not on God’s agenda page.
“Our desire is that our marriages would be the location of our comfort, ease, and enjoyment; we often have desires no bigger than this. But God’s purpose is that each of our marriages would be a tool for something that is way more miraculous and glorious than our tiny, little, self-focused definition of happiness. He has designed marriage to be one of his most effective and efficient tools of personal holiness. God has designed your marriage to change you.”
Paul Tripp also wrote:
“There are moments in our marriages when we’re crying out for grace, not recognizing that we’re getting it. We’re not getting the grace of relief or release, because that isn’t the grace we really need. No, what we’re getting is something we desperately need, the uncomfortable grace of personal growth and change. With the love of a Father, your Lord is prying open your hands so you’ll let go of that which rules your heart but will never satisfy you.
With the insight of a seasoned teacher, He is driving you to question your own wisdom so that you will let go of your understanding and rest in His. And with the skill of the world’s best counselor, God is showing you the delusions of your control so that you will take comfort in His rule. With the gentleness of a faithful friend He is facing you toward the inadequacies of your own righteousness so that you find hope in Him.
“When you are tired and uncomfortable because you have been called to live with someone who is not like you, what you tell yourself about what you are going through is very important. It is in this moment that you must preach to yourself the theology of uncomfortable grace (See Romans 5; James 1; and 1 Peter 1), because when you do, you begin to be less resistant and more appreciative, and you are on your way to forging a marriage of unity, understanding, and love.”
Susan, from the U.S., gave the following advice on the Marriage Missions web site on this subject a while back, that I’d like to close this article with because I believe it’s helpful for us all to keep in mind no matter what the trial has assaulted our marriage.
She shared:
“My husband has been unemployed for almost two years. I confess that I have been more like a shrewish hag than a shrine of encouragement. In seeing this ugliness in me I’ve been able to go to the Lord and become transformed. There is a renewing of my mind, which is really what walking with Christ is all about.
“What it is doing for my husband is between Him and the Lord. I’m learning to keep taking it to Him over and over again until I’m transformed into His image. I sure make a lot of trips to Him through all this, and through it all He provides all we need.
“So, my female friends —lose the mommy act with your man. Take your woes to Christ —He has what you need. And don’t feel bad about bugging the Lord —He doesn’t mind a bit and you can’t hurt His feelings. You’ll walk away a new creature. Kumbaya, friends, Kumbaya.”
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Assorted Marriage Issues
(US) Wow, I sympathize with all of you. My husband has been going through a lot in the last few years. He lost his beloved father, had an accident which sidelined him for the better part of a year, and had a heart attack due to blocked arteries. All total he has only worked about 8 months in 4 years. He is much like many of the men in the scenarios on this site. He sits in front of his computer all day – sends out a resume that is less than stellar.
We are in terrible financial trouble, so he worries constantly. He has become a rather nasty man who sees fault in everyone he comes in contact with. I realize he is depressed and have suggested that he let his physician know. He says he does and the dr does nothing. Just like being unemployed, I guess he is waiting for the prescription to knock on his door. I’m at my wits end. My children think it’s time for me to move on. They’ve given up on him. They love him, but do not think that we should continue to live in such an unhappy state. While it’s nice to know that I am not alone – I see no answers other than prayer on this site. Has anyone managed to get over this mountain?
(USA) While I thought reading this post and realizing that so many other women are dealing with the same issues would make me feel better, it has not. My husband has been laid off for about 18 months now and he is becoming impossible to deal with. He doesn’t do much of anything around the house, although he does clean (just not very well) and he will cook on occasion. I’ll try to make conversation with him and ask what he did during the day, he gets very defensive, especially when he hasn’t done anything.
I try to talk to him about better ways to find jobs and he just gets defensive, for some reason he thinks that surfing the web all day is going to get him a job. He has applied for 8 or so positions in the last 18 months however when he applies, he will wait to hear from that job before he looks elsewhere. He is not motivated enough to go out and make contacts with people directly or even to follow up on jobs that he has heard about from others. A friend of his took a new job, therefore leaving an opening at his current company, I told my husband he should contact them right away and put in a resume/application …It never happened.
I am so frustrated and tired of feeling like I have to take care of everything and worried about what is going to happen when his unemployment runs out in a couple of months. I have told him several times that when that happens he is going to have to work, otherwise we won’t be able to afford our bills. I am so sick of him looking at jobs and saying “I don’t want to work there, or I don’t want to do that”. In the beginning I told him this was a perfect opportunity to find out what he really wanted to do and go for it …unfortunately that has backfired because he still doesn’t know what he wants to do but he obviously knows there are things he doesn’t want to do.
I’m not sure what to do anymore, I am losing respect and starting to think about how much better my life would be without him.
(UNITED STATES) My husband and I are having such a rough time right now in our marriage. I was so down when I came across this article/website. I have been out of a job for 2yrs because of an illness that I have. Sometimes, I think my husband understands my health issues and other times I think he just gets really frustrated about all our finances. I have been looking for a job for a while now, I’m desperate for anything. I even follow up with my applications, but no one is considering to hire me. Most of the employers are looking at how long I’ve been out of work and they say my work history is not good enough.
I am so down right now because my husband is always asking me… “Are you even looking for a job?” And that really makes me feel worse than what I’m feeling. I pray to God and I ask Him to please help my husband and I get through this rough time. I know the majority of our country is suffering with some type of financial strain. But, sometimes I feel like it just my husband and I are alone in this. I love my husband with all my heart and I know he loves me, but its like there are family members asking him.. “When is your wife going to get a job?” That really makes my husband more frustrated. Just want some advice on how to deal with this issue. Because right now, I am at the end of my rope and I really don’t know what to do.
(USA) My husband recently graduated with an MA and is unable to find work after 300+ applications. He has become so despondent, depressed and angry that I greatly fear for his mental health. (That being said, I still want to scream when I come home from a hard days work and he is sitting on the couch in his underwear, surfing the net, complaining about how much his life sucks. Yet the house is a mess, dinner is not made, laundry is not done etc.) I know he is depressed and I am trying to be patient, but what about my mental health, which is starting to fail now too?
I don’t even believe in God, yet I pray every night something will turn up. But nothing ever does. It’s like America forgot about us.
(USA) I guess we are all looking for answers or comfort. Unfortunately, sometimes it is not only the economy that has landed us in this situation, but men who have lost confidence.
My husband lost his job in June 2009. He found a minimum wage job in August that lasted two months and then he got sick (flu or diabetes). He just decided not to go back. He found a job in January 2010 and it lasted a month. They fired him because he called off sick from the flu. He was off all summer which actually saved on childcare but his unemployment ended in July 2010, so we started having financial difficulty again. In August, he got a low paying job through a temp agency, which required to stand on his feet 10 hours a day for five days and then work every other Saturday. We started to get caught up on our bills and it felt good. However, his feet were hurting after the first day. I wanted him to keep this job so bad that I made dinner every night and prepared a foot bath. Comfort soles were purchased.
Then he started breaking down. He had a bloody nose and left work early. I made sure I got him in to see the doctor that day. She said he had high blood pressure and plantar faciatis in both feet (both feet!) He kept getting sick with stomach ache, diarrhea probably complications from his diabetes or fatty liver. He also has sleep apnea. They just fired him last week for taking too many days off. He had a follow up appointment and she suggested he go to physical therapy twice a week for a month. We can’t even afford the copay. I’ve been cool about it because he’s sick. I don’t know who will hire him now and what kind of job he can get. He doesn’t have a college degree and has worked in manufacturing all his adult life. We have no money for him to go to school and we had a Chapter 13 bankruptcy dissolved two years ago.
At first I would get angry at him because he seemed like he wasn’t looking for a job or filling out his unemployment claims timely. The stress had been high and we nearly divorced. I haven’t gone to counseling yet. He won’t go. I don’t make enough money to support him and my son, but I make too much for the government to help us with insurance or food stamps. I have gone to food pantries in the past and will probably have to start up again. This time though, I think I’m going to have to stop making house payments. We did not qualify for a loan modification. I cannot afford to pay for the house, utilities, medical bills (I just had a benign lump removed from my breast) health and car insurance, two car payments and groceries.
In order to keep my sanity, the house will either have to be sold or foreclosed, so we can breathe. I haven’t mentioned this to him yet because he’ll just get angry. Just like so many of the husbands, I would get angry with him because I would come home to see him playing computer games and not helped around the house. He got into the habit of staying up at night and sleeping all day/afternoon. I would ask him how his job hunting went and he would get defensive. I would ask him about the claims and he would get defensive. I cannot understand why he would not go to the unemployment office and ask for guidance.
I pray that we will get a break. Right now we are just living day to day and I’m just letting it roll. I am not angry right now, just scared of the unknown.
(USA) I can relate to soo many people on here. My husband of a little over 2 years, lost his Great paying job back in 2007. He started working for another company but that was paying him under the table. His mother passed away in 2008 and shortly after that, the guy he was working under the table for was not paying him. So he basically told them, until you pay me I am not coming back. Well needless to say time went by, we were planning our wedding, which my family fronted mostly, but it was nothing extravagant.
He has always worked in the construction field and literally has no desire or is even willing to try to do jobs in other fields. He doesnt have a High School Diploma. Although he has finished his GED course, I cannot afford the money to pay for the GED, sadly to say. I work full time, with a lot of times mandatory Overtime at my job. I dont make much money at my job though. It’s tough. I tell him that a supermarket is hiring, or the newspaper company, but he just says I can’t do retail or I don’t work well with public. It’s very frustrating when he is not even willing to TRY a new field. His answers are always, all I have known my entire life is construction. I don’t know how to do other things. I tell him all the time that he can learn;
companies will train him, but he is in denial or unwilling to learn.
I love my husband very much, but I dont know when I should draw the line. We constantly get in arguements over money. He smokes cigarettes, and drinks beer nightly, which is supplied by me, but he is not lazy at home. He tends to our home, yardwork, cleaning house, dinner making, etc. so its not like he is sitting on the couch all day. He doesn’t even know how to use a computer. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I thank God everyday for not having kids yet, but I am 34 years old and really want a family. But I cant even imagine having kids when my husband is not willing to get work. We have one vehicle, I have several medical issues, but I force myself to work just to make money. We are living with my father-in-law and take care of my younger brother-in-law since his mom passed away. However I pay for all the food, all the utilities, not to mention my own bills, phone bill, car pymt, ins. Imagine that all on $14.00 an hour.
I need advice. He doesn’t understand my point and frustration, and the argument always goes back to him saying I don’t understand him. It’s a no win battle, or compromise. I do believe through thick and thin, for better of for worse, but come on now; no steady real job since Nov 2007??????? We are going into 2011. When do I draw the line? Or what can someone suggest to me.
(USA) I’ve been underemployed or unemployed for nearly seven years. I’ve tried to keep busy substitute teaching and I completed the pre-req for PA or RN school. But, I can’t afford the cost of school and other responsibilities of life~ Each passing year I feel more and more crazy. I’m ready to die.
Preferably, I hope every person who ever passed on my resume or said no after an interview experiences the same pain I have. They have no clue what their actions do to people like me who are trying hard. I’ve come to believe that 95% of the population doesn’t really care.
I’m at the breaking point. I’m not lazy: I wasn’t crazy: but, now I am. I know that is all sinful and I pray for forgiveness, but I hate this world; I hope there is nuclear holocaust tonight.
Hi Mark, It has to be one of the most frustrating things to WANT to work and yet you can’t find work anywhere, no matter where you turn, week after week, month after month, year on end. It’s understandable that anyone who turned you down for a job could be perceived that they don’t care and that they don’t understand. And I’m sure that most of them couldn’t understand to the capacity that you would, if you’re someday able to get to the place where you are the one doing the hiring. I hope you get there some day. Your approach would probably be much more compassionate, because of being on the other end for so long. We sure can use more compassion in this world.
I’m so sorry you are going through this painful time in your life. I realize that most any one of us could be in your place at any time, given this economy — you have my deepest sympathy, and I’m sure you have it from most anyone who reads what you wrote.
As you can see from the way we posted your comment, that we edited out the obscenities and most of your words that talked of bodily harm to others. It’s not that we don’t understand your extreme frustration (we’re sure that a lot of other people feel this way as well), but posting these comments of your wishing harm on others, you won’t change anything for the better for you or anyone else. I hope that by just writing what you did, it will help you find some type of relief (although not to the extent that you feel you the need, I’m sure). How I wish we could do more… that is sure our hearts.
Mark, I don’t know why you’re in this “waiting room” in your life — a long one, and a most difficult one! I wish I had words that could take your angst and pain away, or at least ease it in some way. But I don’t, as much as I wish I could, as much as a lot of people would if they could. I’m sure a lot of people around you don’t say anything because they don’t know what to say. Words sometimes seem so inadequate and so people will sometimes choose not to say anything at all rather than stumble around for fear that they will only say things that will make you (and others) feel worse. Have you ever been there? I sure have.
What I want to say respectfully to you though Mark, is that no matter what the frustration is that you feel, do all you can to fight the craziness you are feeling, or you’ll never get to a better place in your life. All it can do is complicate matters all the more. By your going down that road and not finding a healthier outlet to park your thoughts, even worse things could happen. Please fight these feelings. I perceive that you are better than this — that you have a lot to offer, if you can keep treading water until a life boat comes along in some way. I can tell you are tired, and again I’m sorry. But please hang in there Mark, and do what you can to find healthier outlets for your frustration. God will make a way, where there seems no other way, if you don’t give up. I pray that for you.
(USA) My husband has been out of a job for almost 3 years. Prior to that, He would quit when things didn’t go his way. I’m frustrated, tired, and resentful.
We lost our house and are living with relatives right now. It’s embarrassing, He says He is looking for work but He hasn’t gone to an interview since He has been unemployed. It’s like He’s waiting for them to knock on His door.
Being home, you would think he would keep up the house or contribute to the household chores but that is far and few between. I’m ready to walk away from this. My anger and resentment is taking over me and I’m on the verge of depression. I’ve already shut down on our relationship and then started to feel guilty for yelling at him to DO SOMETHING about his situation.
He yells back and says he’s trying but I see that he isn’t. We are living in two different worlds in one house and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve tried for years and years to be supportive but my patience has run out. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I’m losing my sanity when I’m with Him. It’s awful and He refuses to do anything about it.
(ENGLAND) Help, I’m so fed up and tearful. I’m annoying friends and colleagues with my moods. My partner of 7 yrs doesn’t work. He has only had a few odd jobs which have all been handed to him via friends/family. I work 7 days a week. I have no social life so I’m losing friends. He doesn’t cook and when he does the odd baked potato, he makes a big deal of it. He doesn’t clean unless I nag and then it’s pointing out everything that needs doing even the washing!
He is on line or playing games. I am tired all the time and so I moan at him. I print off over 100 jobs a day from cleaning part time to really good full time ones. He doesn’t apply for any. He moans that he won’t get out of bed for x amount of money.
When we first were together I worked 12 hr shifts at night to support us for pennies. There is so much that needs doing to our home which won’t get done unless I do it or pay for it. I want to do things with my life too. All I do is work and comfort, and eat rubbish. I can’t even say anything as he bites my head off for nagging and moaning at him and blanks me, making me feel bad.
I pay all the bills he doesn’t have any income at all and it’s his home. I don’t know what to do… I fed up with moaning to my friends who just say leave and are probably fed up with listening too it. I try and hide it all now. But I need help… how do I approach it with him? Do I take him to a dr and try get him to get his confidence back? He was told he had depression a few years back. I supported him. He was then ok, but who supports me? Why can’t he see what it’s doing to me? Help.
(DUBAI) My story is no different from other women here. My husband decided to quit 7 months ago saying he couldnt deal with his boss who is very bossy and nobody in his team liked her. I supported him by taking up a job.
At that time he was keen on starting a business so we took a loan so that he can start a business. He was busy the first month getting the license and all documents sorted. From month two he was sitting at home he would always be online thanks to facebook and other sites. This has been going on for the last couple of months. In between he wanted to go on a holiday so that he can clear his mind and get back to his business.
He went on a vacation spent all the savings.. and got back to doing nothing. One day it dawned on him that business is not working and he needs to find a job. My friends and I started desperately looking for him. He would attend the interviews but was not sucessful. In one of the interviews set by my friend, the interviewer asked if he has gone through the website and he hadnt so he didnt get selected.
Ever since then he is not looking seriously and he tells me that he cant work under anyone, and is waiting for some miracle to happen, that will help him in running his business. My family wants to help him but they are not confident that he will do any work. I have been married for a little over a year and I don’t see any future. I am not sure if I can plan to have children with a man like this. He only thinks of vacation, shopping and buying stuff for his friends and family with my money. My credit card has reached its limit.
If I have to leave him I might as well leave him now as I am not able to deal with the stress. He is a loving husband, but I have lost all confidence in him. His family is well off but they dont want to support him. I really dont know what to do???
(USA) My situation is similar in many ways to a lot of the people who have posted. My husband and I both lost our jobs at the same time almost 2 years ago. We both worked at the same office and were let go the same day. We have been together for almost 20 years and just a month ago we filed for separation.
My husband is deeply depressed and I don’t know if it is the guilt of us losing our jobs and going thru all the financial hardships that we are going thru but he just wants to be alone. I am trying hard to keep everything together but feel I am failing. In the past few months he has been getting a few calls for some informal interviews but all have basically said well, we don’t have work yet but will call you when we do. It’s a sad, tough time out there I hope that it gets better for everyone.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hi, l have been married for 4 years now and my mother suggested that l marry. l wasn’t ready have a baby and now my husband is unemployed. l really wish he could get a job however, he’s blacklisted for not paying his debts.
When he was retrenched 3 years ago l sat down with him and suggested he pay off his debts so that he can be removed from being blacklisted/prevent the situation. However, he took the money and invested it for his kids from the previous marriage from his late wife. He gave the money he invested for his wife to the wife’s family and didn’t take any, besides it was under the brother’s name.
Now l feel like he betrayed me. He revolts me and just the thought of kissing him makes me want to puke. We don’t make love that much and l don’t climax. l am relieved when he visits his friends or goes to a job that l don’t know about (nor do I see the money; he always makes excuses that the car that they were using broke down and he had to use the money he earned). And if l want to make love to him, to climax l have to think of a guy l fancy either at work or the guy l saw in the mall or on tv then that’s when l will climax.
We only have 1 child. l feel like l am PRETENDING and wish to end things with him but it just breaks my heart as before we used to be so extravagant and were care free. When l gave birth to my daughter last year he only made shopping for her of 1000 rands which l paid back as he was still working at a wholesaler as a driver which the job he was retrenched at was at the airport. Talk about a big change and adjustment which l had to get used to! What really angered me was the fact that he lied to most of the people and told them he owned the trucks, and the vans too.
When l had my baby he said l must go visit my sister. I took plasma which am now still paying for and am under debt review because of it. He borrowed his friend to pay him 500 per month without my approval whatsoever. Now his friend claims that we owe him rent money and he will keep it! l am soo sick and tired of this guy. He abuses me physically and verbally. He hit me even while l was pregnant. l had such resentment and hoped it didn’t affect my daughter, God forbid.
l no longer love him but am scared of him. And for some reason he hates my mother and talks nasty things about my family, but he doesn’t talk rubbish about his? Go figure!
Anyway, can anybody suggest anything? I am very depressed because when l met him l was depressed but not like l am now. l just found out that my ex, who l didn’t stop loving, lied about most of the things as well. I was still healing from the last ordeal and break up when my mother suggested l go for a widower.
Last year before becoming pregnant l even wanted to go on a cruise ship to get away from it all. I wish l did. l wouldn’t be having a baby now and wouldn’t be in this situation RIGHT NOW, thanks to MY MOTHER WHICH I HATE AS WELL. She is soo greedy and of course, respecting my elders sucks BIG TIME!
l feel for my daughter which l love, but hated before being born. l accepted her. Its been so hard for me that l am on the verge of giving up and am losing hope and YES COMMITING SUICIDE! l have been contemplating it since HIGH SCHOOL since nothing was going in PROPORTION FOR ME BUT AM SURE MY DAUGHTER WILL BE RAISED WELL.
(USA) Don’t think about committing suicide. That is not an option. Suicide will not fix the problem your facing. When people think “I’ll just end it all” It does not end after you commit suicide. You will end up in a place you don’t want to be which is hell. When you commit suicide life is not over; the second life just begins and that’s eternal in hell. So, I beg you don’t entertain those thoughts.
The enemy (satan) come to kill, steal and destroy. Don’t let him tell you this is the only way out. If you are not into a church home get into a teaching church where the truth is being preached. Talk to a spiritual leader – a postive person that can help you. You don’t want to be around negative people who will feed you.
The bible says you are who you hang around. Love yourself, It is not God’s will for you to live this way. Satan is trying to take as many people to hell as possible. God loves you sooooo much. Psalm 147:3 – God healed the broken heart and binded up their wounds. Be Blessed!
Dear sister, you are precious and beloved to your heavenly Father. I know this situation is a very heavy load to bear. Know you are not alone! I will pray with you! If you need a friend to support and be there for you, I will be that person! I’ve been just where you are, and please don’t give up! God bless and keep you sister.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Oh and l was a Christian when we got married but all that changed as he smokes weed, smokes cigarettes and drinks which l didn’t do until he came into my life.
l feel like l married LUCIFER himself! I hate singing worship songs and praise as l feel God has turned his back against me. I didn’t even want to say “YES” to the guy as he wasn’t my type but my mother persuaded me to, as she said l would still be a slave of my ex boyfriend and I needed to break free and have another person to love, which l never did.
SUICIDE IS WHAT’S JOGGING in my mind right now! l hate my life and people resented me as they thought that l am the cause for the break up and an adulteress. l am like a BIPOLAR person, which I am not. l used to be so happy but I am no longer God the “STORY OF MY LIFE.”
(USA) My husband was laid off at CNN in Media Productions for 2 years now. Everyday for 2 years he has searched the web looking for work,filling out applications and sending out his resume. He has had phone interviews and 2 interviews in person. It is very hard for me as well. What has helped me thru this all is to stay focused on God and not so much the situation.
I stand on his word and put him in remembrance of his word. God said he would never leave you nor forsake you. I wake you between 5a-5:30a and go into prayer, that strengthens me. It has been God’s grace that has brought me this far.The only thing that moves God is faith and trust.
It’s hard for so many people. God has not forgotten us.The enemy wants us to believe that God’s word is a lie. If you notice satan never comes up with new tricks.They are all the same that he uses on everybody. Marriage, Relationships, Finances, Health, Children. He can’t come up with any new ones. Read scriptures:Matt 21:22,Mark 9:23,Mark 11:24,John 14:14, Phil 4:19,James 5:8,Esph 6:13. We have the VICTORY over satan!!! -STAND!
This makes me so sad. And really upset. How is it that the men who are TRYING to work can’t catch a break while the lazies sit on their hands (when they’re not using them to play video games) and complain about how their WIVES need to just go make more money??! This is a true crisis with modern American man children. More and more of which pose as Christian husbands. Get real! This is unbelievable!! Praying for you sister and your husband’s financial breakthrough.
(AFRICA) To all the women above: It feels so good to know that I am not alone, because I often feel the same as most of you describe. I left my home country, my family and friends to stay with my partner in his home country. Since 2.5 years he has been unemployed and I am responsible for all our bills. He seems not to be interested in finding employment and only wants to start his own business (with the money I make), since he feels he is supporting me with the work I am doing. My work caused us to move from 60km away from our previous house, which was nearer to his friends and family.
Not having the support system around that I am used to, makes the whole story more difficult, since the people I grew up with and really know me, are not here to share my life, don’t know him and cannot help me to reflect about the past 6 years!
Like some of you mention above: he also gets difficult when he runs out of cigarettes and likes to have alcohol in the house, something I have difficulty with, financing for him. Lately house chores are also difficult to discuss and often a reason for an argument when the weekend arrives and we actually should have some fun together. Spending time with his friends and/or family is what I also do not enjoy as much, because I feel that if the basic things between us are not right, it is difficult to entertain people and support him to drink with them!
Also, after a week of hard work, I like to be alone sometimes and recharge, whereas he wants to celebrate the weekend with others. Talking about children is not an option for me, though he often mentions it; I just feel I cannot trust him raising a child (while I would still be the breadwinner), if simple house chores are already difficult for him!
I would like to hear from other women how they handle these kind of situations! Because I feel like I either have to simply accept his behavior (although I do not feel like it at all!!) or leave, which may mean that my whole life will change again after building a life in another country for the past 6 years!