Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

man's angry fist dealing with anger - Pixabay punch-316605_640Marriage Missions Note: Please know that we recognize that sometimes men betray their wives and sometimes women betray their husbands. This particular article is written from the vantage point of the betrayed wife. If you are a husband who is betrayed, please change the pronouns and glean through the information so you can be ministered to, as well. Above all, we hope this article helps you in some way.)

After the discovery of the betrayal, the spouse’s emotions are usually intense. The anger, hurt, bewilderment, betrayal, and numbing shock are almost overwhelming. The betrayed spouse will be angry, and she needs the freedom to ventilate her rage.

It’s Important HOW You Say It

The language of anger is never pleasant. However, it is not only OK to say it with intensity and force, but it is absolutely necessary for true recovery to occur. People do not get better until they get mad.

If denied, that anger “goes underground” and eats away at the innermost spirit of the person. It is very important for the violated spouse to be free to express the rage that he or she feels.

After the first surge of anger comes the need for information —what happened? When did it happen? How often did it happen? And so on. This is the time for the violated spouse to ask the offender those all-important questions. Men seem to want to know the details of the sexual activity; women commonly report wanting to know if their husband loves the other person. Whatever the need, the information is important and shouldn’t be squelched.

Hiding Info

There is no good reason to hide information from the injured spouse at this point. The precious marriage vow lies shattered on the floor —there is nothing left of the marriage to protect. Therefore, the infidel who has been discovered should share each and every bit of information that his partner wants to know.

Often the infidel thinks that as the questions come, he should tell only what he thinks is appropriate, so he withholds details, covering up certain aspects of the trail. Nothing will anger the wounded spouse more than being subtly deceived at this point by double talk or half-truths. Eventually, all truth will be known anyway.

This is the time to tell it all, or at least tell it at the level that the spouse wants to hear it. There’s a difference between the two. Many of my counselees who have gone through recovery from affairs say that getting into too much detail can create tortuous mental images for the injured spouse that can haunt her for years. But you need to walk this fine line of disclosure and honesty carefully, and be sure to err on the side of too much disclosure rather than too little.

The Ideal:

Of course, it would be to satisfy the spouse’s need to know without ignoring any major revelations. The main point is to own up to what you have done and to admit humbly the full range of injury and transgression. Don’t try to alter the facts subtly to protect yourself. Just as deceit is no way to build a relationship, it’s no way to rebuild a broken one.

Withheld information becomes “unfinished business” that will have to be dragged along through the balance of the marriage. The more time that passes without the unfinished business being revealed, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. Should the marriage stay together, this secret will become an albatross around the neck of the infidel, who will have wished that he or she had completely “come clean” at the anger stage, when it was the most appropriate and helpful.

The Spouse Now Holds the Reins

The power to continue the marriage has now passed into the hands of the wounded spouse. Her reaction —whether to process the affair is that if she expresses as much rage as she feels, she will drive her spouse into the arms of his partner. That could happen; but, remember, he has already been in his partner’s arms. You couldn’t keep him out of her arms before you knew about it; now simply being angry is not going to drive him to her-more is involved here than that!

Besides, there is nothing of the marriage left to protect by “walking on eggshells” at this point. If you are going to live together in harmony in the future, you need to live together differently. It’s time to start over. The most sacred aspects of this marriage have already been violated. Now you both have to begin to rebuild.

Grieving the Loss

During the anguish phase, some recovery can begin. But it won’t be steady progress —rather it will probably be two steps forward and one step back. It’s a rocky time emotionally, but that’s part of the normal process of grieving the losses. There is loss of trust, of the one-pure marital relationship, and so on.

Just about the time that the violated spouse thinks he/she is getting over the pain, it will suddenly resurface. But be encouraged. Gradually the pain will become less intense and less frequent. You will find the good times between the down times will lengthen.

This grief process is similar to grieving the death of a spouse. Violated spouses do indeed report many responses that parallel those of widows.

Some of Their Feelings:

• They feel abandoned by their mate.
• They feel alone in their grief.
– It’s common to feel as if they could have done something to prevent this.
• They feel like a marked person. They don’t fit in with normal couples anymore.
• They have a lot of unfinished business with their spouse that is now off-limits or has been overshadowed by what has occurred.
– Plus, they feel terrified of the future.
• They feel they should be doing better than they are.
• They will pretend nothing has happened (such as the widow who sets a plate for the lost partner at the table).

Grieving is important, but it is even more important to know what you are grieving for. Some find it helpful to list the losses on paper. I recommend that you try that, being as transparent and honest as you can.

Crying in front of other people as you process your grief is perfectly permissible. Grief isn’t always predictable, not always controllable. It is certainly all right to cry in front of the infidel. In fact, he needs to see and feel the damage his actions have wrought. Be totally honest about your sadness.


One of the first things an angry and grieving spouse wants is the guarantee that this will never happen again. Often Christian spouses think that if they can just get their infidel partner to walk the aisle to the altar, confess his/her sin in front of the congregation, read his Bible daily, or be convicted by the Holy Spirit or disciplined by the church, all will be well. But nothing could be further from the truth. Any or all of those practices might be appropriate, but none of them will provide the guarantee that the wounded spouse is looking for.

The closest thing to a guarantee that the infidel won’t stray again is for him to feel fully the pain that he has caused the wounded spouse. Let me underline this point: promises to “behave” won’t endure; neither will artificial boundaries such as a curfew each night after work.


The only lasting remedy is for the infidel to feel the agony he has caused his spouse. If he truly loves his mate (and he usually does down deep; that’s why they got married and why he came back), that will hurt him so much that he won’t want to inflict more on his loved one. But getting the infidel to experience the hurt of the spouse won’t happen immediately —it could take many months. Remember it will take as long to recover from the affair as it did for the infidelity partner to get involved in it. So allow some time for him to feel her pain.

This article comes from the book, Torn Asunder: Recovering From an Extramarital Affair -By Dave Carder, Moody Publishers. This book is very comprehensive and is a great practical guide for dealing with extramarital affairs. It’s very comprehensive because it carefully sorts out the different kinds of affairs and deals with each kind —giving very practical and insightful information. It doesn’t lump all infidelity together “giving over-simplistic spiritual answers.” It’s practical because “it deals with daily, gut-level issues both partners face.”


Here’s another related article —this one written by Anne Bercht, who understands about anger “after the betrayal” because she dealt with it after her husband cheated on her. Whether you are a man or woman, the following advice could be helpful if you apply the principles that will work for your marriage after reading:


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607 responses to “Dealing With Anger And Grief After The Betrayal

  1. I have a comment. I knew the man I married since second grade. Everyone thought the world of him. He could do no wrong. We are both Christian (Catholic). We didn’t start dating until we were in college. Dated for 7 years and then married for 23 years…4 children. Then he solicited sex from men online for over 6 months before I discovered it. He lied, committed adultery, emotionally abused me. Served me divorce and custody paper a week after he moved out. I don’t want to be a victim…I want to be a survivor. I need words of wisdom and comfort. He was my best friend. He has bought a house with a gay man and obviously living together. No remorse. A well off house while I am unemployed and in debt to my eyeballs. I want to be helped.

    1. Dear Linda… Words can’t express how sad I am for you. I can’t even imagine how painful this has been –especially in losing your best friend, and the father of your children, plus the tough times you have experienced emotionally and financially. I have to say though, that I love your attitude. You want to be a survivor… not just a sufferer. With that attitude, I have no doubt that you will find your smile again eventually. As for what you can do… that is very difficult to say. I’m truly not sure. How I wish I did. But please know I care. Even so, you can’t make your husband come back to the straight life if he has no desire. Those are tough words to receive, but they’re true. Linda, you really need to talk to a counselor –one that is marriage-friendly. I wish I could say that we could help you –that is our heart, but we aren’t counselors –we’re marriage educators and mentors. You need deeper help than that.

      I recommend you contact the ministry of Focus on the Family. You can find their contact info on their web site at They have counselors on staff that can help you unravel this a bit. They don’t do long-term counseling, but I’m sure they would have some recommendations as far as how you can get help. Linda, I pray for you. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart.

  2. Hi All, I am so sorry for all you pain and grieving. I am writing as a man who has, in fact, just betrayed his wife. Not in any kind of affair or sexual nature, I betrayed her trust in me in that I communicated with my ex-wife by email whilst we were going through a very rocky patch.

    Essentially, I have an older son from my previous marriage and he has fallen out with my current wife following a big argument, I was stuck in the middle. My older son is at university and comes to stay, his mum, my ex-wife, lives abroad. My current wife then did not want him to stay until we had managed to work things out. 8 months later this was still not resolved, then my son came down and stayed somewhere else. We have two little boys, his brothers, and he wanted to see them, my wife then refused. I was furious and insisted and he to to see them.

    From the very beginning of this, i.e. since my son was not allowed to stay, my ex-wife had been emailing me to see what was going on. I did not resist the emails as I needed her help with my oldest etc. however, towards the end she was really criticizing my wife and I did not defend my wife. Lo and behold my wife then found the emails and that is it, she now wants to end the marriage as she feels totally betrayed. I am totally devastated and lost. Our marriage has always been very rocky but I have always loved her and wanted to be with her. I am also angry as I feel betrayed, I feel that I was not heard regarding my oldest son and when we first met she assured me she would never come between us or make me choose, which is exactly what it feels like. She is now blaming me for breaking up the family and I feel so guilty and distraught.

  3. Hello, I just recently found out that my wife after 2 years of marriage, cheated again. I tried to see her view on why she did it again. She said she was drunk; it didn’t mean anything… I’m mad as anything; all I get is excuse after excuse. My question is – How do you deal with the feelings of not measuring up to a so claimed with smile well endowed 20 year old? She and I are around 40 years old. I feel more and more worthless. Emptiness, rage and HATE grow by the day??? We agreed to work it out but I am finding it harder and harder not to give up my vows and go for this beautiful 28 year old lady I’ve known for years and be like her. But I’m so confused. It’s making me more depressed to the point of just saying I’m out of here; let her lover boy toy pay her bills and bounce out. But I do want us to work out. My loyalty and kindness are being taken for weakness. I wanna smash em.

    Does anyone have any advice to help me see a more efficient way to live with the emotions I have before I go back to prison??? I know I’m dumb for standing by my vows but she can be an awesome mom and wife. Thanks.

    1. It’s hard to know where to start, brother. So, I’ll begin with one of the last things you said in your post: “I know I’m dumb for standing by my vows.” You’re not dumb. In fact you are man of incredible integrity, great character and compassion to stand by your vows (with loyalty and kindness) when your wife has cheated on you. She is the one who did a “dumb” thing. I can also assure you that the feelings you are experiencing are completely normal for what you are going through. If you read through any of the other posts with this article you can see the great pain people go through in trying to deal with betrayal. Sadly you are not alone.

      But I also encourage you to read through the testimonies, and view the videos in the “Surviving Infidelity” topic. You can find them at: In reading them and viewing these testimonies, you can see people in even worse situations than you who were able to turn their marriages around after there was infidelity involved.

      Because you are experiencing the harshest of emotions attached to this (emptiness, rage, hate, depression, etc.) I strongly suggest you contact the ministry of Focus On The Family at 1-800-A-FAMILY as soon as possible and ask for their counseling department. You can speak with a counselor there for free for one session and then they can refer you to a qualified counselor near where you live. The feelings you are dealing with won’t change just because you “wish” they would go away. You need to take care of yourself right now and THEN address there marriage issues.

      Your wife is what is called a habitual cheater. She needs help with the issues that cause her to continue to do this in spite of the fact she KNOWS the pain she is causing you. It’s the same as being a drug addict. They can be ashamed of their behavior, promise to change – and maybe do for a while – but then the draw of the drug pulls them right back in. This is what’s happening to your wife. She needs a good “marriage-friendly” counselor to help her or it is very likely she will not be trustworthy in the future.

      You don’t mention anywhere in this post if you or your wife are people with faith in Jesus Christ, so I don’t know if you would draw comfort and maybe a little perspective from the Bible. Jesus understood betrayal better than anyone. God still has those who betray Him. Even so, He reaches out in forgiveness to give us second and third chances and more, when we have done wrong, but truly reach out to Him. Now, that doesn’t mean you let your wife off the hook. She is still accountable for her actions and there are consequences for her behavior. This is where a counselor can help you to be released from the bitterness and horrible pain of all of this.

      I hope this helps you with all you are dealing with right now. Please know we care, and that you and your wife have been prayed for. Blessings!

  4. My husband was having an emotional affair for the past 2+ years. When found out he denied and then admitted the affair. Now our friends that where a part of this mess refuse to have anything to do with him. I sent out emails and copied all of them as to my exact feelings on the whole event. Same day someone smashed out glass from one of our doors. It has been several months now and I still can’t let the anger go. We have been together almost 30 years and are trying to stay married. I am so angry, hurt, and terrified I can’t sleep. I have seen a therapist and am on meds for depression. I pray each day that this will be over. I feel Ike I am drowning. Any suggestions on how to move past the anger, etc..?

    1. I am so sorry you are going thru this. I’m in a similar situation. I’ve been married 20+ years and have been hearing rumors of his infidelity for years. Each time confronted he denied and had excuses, which I chose to believe because I had never personally seen any real evidence. We did eventually separate for almost a year when my husband begged me back, saying he would do anything, yet still not acknowledging any real wrong doing. I took him back, partially due to our 2 very young children, but also I had hope.

      2 years later I find communication on Craigslist and he cried, I stayed. Later I’m at work and started receiving harassing calls from a girl, who sounded very drunk, telling me she had been seeing my husband and still wanted him. He denied and told me to call the police, which I did. Fast forward to 1 month ago, our 17 year old daughter is looking at his computer and finds a video he was taking of random girls, while parked in his car, at stores etc. I confronted him and he finally admitted it, because the proof was there. I finally had real proof and left him. He was sleeping in his car in the middle of winter so I felt bad and told him he could sleep in the guest room till u figure out what is best for me. He since has confessed he is a sex addict and is now going to a specialist to help him.

      I asked why he waited so long and his response was he is an idiot. He is now trying so hard, doing chores fixing things, everything a husband and father should do, all the while, we have not seen each other, he stays in his room while I’m home from work. I am devastated. But told him I’d put off in the divorce a few months to decide what is best. I know I can never trust him again. I’m lost and don’t know what to do. I’ve prayed on this decision and am still praying. Please help with this decision if you have been in similar situation.

      1. Nothing burns your spirit like knowing someone is cheating but not having enough evidence to come to a clear decision. You are actually in a better spot because you have the proof. My wife cheated on me a few times and although there was evidence in both instances to suggest it there just wasn’t quite enough to prove it. But the anger that burned inside me the first time never ever quite left. The second time was similar but I just couldn’t get past it. Her lack of ability to admit her mistakes, instead of just trying to minimize the situation with excuses only made it worse.

        Maybe your guy finally got his act together, but the question you asked was really relevant. “Why get help now?” If his motivation was really you, then why not move when he saw he was breaking your spirit instead of after he got caught. Cheaters, like anyone else, will try and behave if they feel that they might lose you but how long will they behave? Is it really about the relationship? Every single situation is different. This is an old post but since my wife started this crap on me about 2 months ago I’ve been looking for other people hurting as well. My God ease your pain.

    2. Debby, I am on the same page as you. My husband betrayed me and I am also on depression medication and sleeping medication because I am unable to sleep on my own. I hope you are doing better and I am saying a prayer for you right now.

  5. I am going through the same exact same thing. The infidelity went on over a year ago with my husband and just 2 days ago it resurfaced and I’m back where I started when I first found out. I’m angry! I want him to feel the pain I feel. Just getting someone to rough him up is not what I’m looking to do. I want to kill his pride, have his family turn his back on him because the extent to his betrayal was done in our home and with his so called daughter that was living with us. Did you hear me? I said his daughter, which takes this to a whole other level. She wasn’t my daughter but a step and now it’s coming out that she’s his daughter again. I don’t believe anything he says now. I thought we healed until I ran into both of them at the market. I am definitely a Christian but it’s hard right now to hear what God says and not the world. I’m being honest.

    1. It’s hard when you love and respect God above all else. I’m going through a similar situation and the pain is almost unbearable because you feel you wasted your life on a lame sociopath. I’m so angry right now and I just want God to zap him, but it’s not mine to repay. I hope you are in a better place now.

  6. Hi. I just want to know how long must one suffer under grievance of a mistake after good counseling, good times but cannot live with it any more. Every little issue pushes him back to this bad experience. Just tell me is it normal and fair after 22 years still to be blamed and you do nothing wrong? Please, I was the guilty wife and my husband cannot get over it without season.

  7. Just found out that my partner of 8 years has been having two affairs with two women at his work. Please help my shattered soul?

    1. Cher, I can completely relate to your shattered soul. Sometimes, for me, just knowing that there’s others out there who share your pain and can relate helps me. For me it’s 8 months after finding out about my husband’s infidelity and we are still together but there are no guarantees. Just focus on yourself, be kind to yourself. What do you need? Get all the support you can from outside – friends, family (if you can talk to them), therapists etc.

      I gave myself a year to see how things would go (following Alcoholics Anonymous advice – nothing major for a year) and promised myself that I would not let this destroy me. It may not seem like it but it does get easier and the pain does fade, but it takes a lot of time and it’s often two steps forward and one back. You will recover though, in time and you will have happy days again. Take care.

  8. My husband slept with a prostitute in our bed. Your article was helpful but my spouse thinks I should stop asking questions and move on. I feel like my heart is a broken china dish that can never be put back together the way it was before! I am struggling with most of the issues in this article!

  9. Been with my husband for now 9 years but 2 years ago I discoovered he’s been cheating on me not just with one woman but women incuding his daughter and cousin. Those initial months I simply cried and wanted to be brave for myself and the children and since I had lost a pregnancy 5 months back, when I discovered he was cheating with the house help. Here I was again expecting and this time discovered his affairs with his daughter and cousin. I simply did not squarely face the issue, I couldn’t afford losing another baby. I decided to forgive him and give the marriage another chance, but now am feeling nothing but spite for him.

    I simply want out of this marriage; rumors of getting involved with other women came up after forgiving him. I feel like a fool and he denied all those allegations. Worst thing is he wants to play the victim and put the blame on me. I remember all the nesty things he said about me and towards me makes me hate his guts. I’m a Christian and there a times I feel let down even by God. I feel no one understands the hurt I am going through. I want to call it quits I have prayed and yet I seem not to get answers. God seems millions of miles away. My hubby shamelessy has it all – no guilt or shame to extend that he calls me a non believer when I try to express my hurt to him.

  10. My supposed to be friend wanted my life and my fiancee gave it to her!! She told him I had an affair two days before we were getting married. He has cheated on me numerous times and when I saw it for my own eyes is when I stepped outside my relationship. I have known this woman since I was 18 years old and just couldn’t fathom that my man wanted her!! She is the type that feels someone elses man wanting her gives her power or the upper hand over the woman. She plotted and manipulated him and I to get what she wanted! the thing is I don’t want him but I don’t want her to have him! She doesn’t deserve to be with my family and he’s pushing her off on our friends. The women don’t want to be bothered but their spouses are saying don’t get involved. It hurts how he replaced me with her so fast! (I moved out, then 3 weeks later they were in D.R together! This pain feels like it will never go away!!!

  11. After 35 yrs of marriage, I found out my husband has been having a 1 year long affair. I am completely devastated; I had absolutely no idea he was not happy..NO IDEA. He said he loved me like a sister. Well, we are working on it. However, there is really nothing left in my heart…it is totally shattered (never in a million years, did I ever think I’d sound like a sad, sad country song) He told me he tried to break it off 4 times (with her). She guilted him, to let her back in. This woman is married almost as long as us. We have had to sell our camper, as that was their “shack” for sex, along with our truck..haven’t sold that yet.

    I am continually reminded of her, as she has photos in the newspaper quite often; many were take when my husband took her out in remote areas…which she actually brought me 4 framed wildlife photos for me. Isn’t this absolutely sweet of her? No, I really don’t know her…not a friend, barely an acquaintance. I walk around much of the time numb, on the verge of tears, and feeling like I could vomit at anytime..wish me luck..’cause I’m a mess. We have 2 grown boys, 2 granddaughters and a grandson due in March…I should be elated.

  12. Has been 20 years since my ex wife did the trick of leaving me for my friend, the oldest one in the book. I guess, you don’t stop loving someone just because they do the dirty across you? Still after all the years I feel the hurt, betrayal and feel so totally worthless.

  13. Hi everyone, I found out 3 years ago my husband cheated on me with someone at work. It was a long time ago but for me it was yesterday! This was done after my first miscarriage and being treated like a piece of garbage. I’ve seen two counselors, took up drinking and became someone I don’t know. I no longer wear my wedding band. I love him so much. We lost our two year old son so have been through some obstacles. I gave up again on my faith. While I’m trying to restore that for myself my husband is asking to start attending church again and I won’t do it with him. He sat next to me in church knowing what he did and said nothing. My faith has truly been tested!

    I just want to say I wish everyone in these type of situations the best and hope you find some peace in your recovery. I will hurt the rest of my life because of two people not caring about anyone but themselves. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive my husband but have realized that if you really love someone you will give them everything you have to build back a love God has created. Take care of you first, then you can move forward.

  14. I am at loss of words. I do not know how to survive the betrayal. He is sorry and is crying for me to come back. I haven’t seen him in a week. I didn’t believe in God after my breast cancer, then a friend invited me to her church and I was different. After slapping him a few times he left the home. I don’t want him back now. I am in counseling and will see him at a counseling session. I plan to move out as I’m a bag of mixed emotions, coupled with my PTSD from military duty.

    What I am doing different now than at other relationships is not drinking and finding something to do to not feel the pain. This time I want to feel the pain and am processing with therapy. The woman he cheated me on he met online, weighs 300 pounds, is in her 50s and has braces. I blame myself: maybe I should have cleaned more; maybe we should have had sex more; maybe I should have never trusted him.

    He cried to say he was sorry. I said he is sorry he got caught and cried seeing me in pain. He’s giving me space now so that I can decide what to do. It’s a great time for me to play with his emotions and get revenge. I am a very young looking woman with a graduate degree, retired on a military pension and my work pensions. He works odd jobs and had too much time on his hands. Ironically he is now busy working because he will not be able to afford to live alone.

    We’re at the crossroads right now. I know not to make concrete plans now, but I wish I could leave now. But I have responsibilities of a great paying job, which I also love to work in. Going to work is keeping my mind busy and I found meditation since this event and found it mindful. I am looking for peace in my pain.

  15. Dear Sir/madam, My wife admitted that she had sex with an unknown person. I used to love her so much…I do not know the reason for the betrayal. I can’t overcome suffering and anger. I need her throughout my life. I have a baby girl of 3 years old. I am too negative towards my thinking and I keep enquiring why she did so…she never replies and says sorry I won’t do this again. She says I myself don’t know why I did so. What could be the cause for the same I still could not explore. I used to love her so much. I am bad in expressing…..but I am not ugly looking personality .

    Will my future be happy with her? Kindly help….I am getting depressed day by day. I want to continue living with her for a long time. N.C.

    1. N.C., I am so sorry for the deep grief you are experiencing from your wife’s affair. Your emotions are very normal when you discover the one you love so much has been unfaithful to you and your marriage. You didn’t say if you are Christ-followers but I’m going to assume you are. The best thing you can do is take your anger and grief to God and ask for His help to process it in a healthy way. Your natural inclination is to grill your wife for details and lash out at her in anger – to punish her. But I’m going to say based on what you said it is probably very likely she is full of shame for what she has done and most likely feels that she can never be forgiven . . . by you or God for her sin.

      I won’t kid you, overcoming this will take a lot of time and for the healing to be done right will require some marriage counseling. I don’t believe your wife is lying to you when she says she doesn’t know “how this happened.” But there is always a root cause for infidelity and sometimes it takes a counselor to be able to help the person realize what caused them to do it in the first place. It’s essential that it is discovered and dealt with otherwise it could happen again.

      If you do not know where to find a marriage counselor just do an Internet search by typing in “Marriage counseling __________” and then enter the name of your city. When you start screening to find the best counselor for you always ask if they counsel couples to divorce. You want a counselor who is marriage friendly and will want to find ways to help your marriage and not break it up. The stakes are high, N.C. You have a 3 year old daughter and you need to fight to put the marriage back together, if for no other reason than so she will have a dad AND mom in the home she grows up in.

      Be very careful who you talk to about this too, N.C. It will be easy for you to find people who think you should divorce your wife because of her adultery. They may even say the Bible gives you permission to do so. Yes it does give “permission” but that is NOT what God wants. Remember, He HATES DIVORCE.

      You may not be in the place yet to do this because of your pain and grief, but as soon as you can do it sincerely, go to your wife and say, “What you did was wrong and it has hurt me more than words can ever describe; BUT, I want you to know that I forgive you and I will do whatever it takes to heal our marriage to make it stronger than it ever was before your affair. I also know this won’t be easy but I am committed to love you like Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her (see Ephesians 5). I need a commitment from you that you too want to work on this process. You have to understand that for it to work well we will need to see a marriage counselor to help us put the pieces back together.”

      This may be the key that gets her to begin to feel it’s safe for her to open up to you. I would also say that even if she refuses to get counseling you will need it for yourself. But I’m believing God will intervene in your marriage and bring healing and restoration. You just need to hang on because the road to healing may be pretty bumpy.

      Here’s a couple more things for you to read that may help you, too: and

      I hope this helps in some way, N.C. Blessings! ~Steve Wright