We’ve all been there. If you’re married more than 24 hours (maybe more, maybe less) you WILL have difficulties that will arise to the surface that need discussing. The Bible confirms this. We’re told in 1 Corinthians 7 that, “Those who marry will have troubles.” So, you can bank on the fact that we WILL have “troubles” that will bring up the need to have difficult conversations with each other. It’s unavoidable. But how do you do this, so it works out best for both of you?
Actually, there is no “one-size-fits-all” marriage tip that can apply to this matter. We’re all different; every situation is different and needs to be treated as such. So, we’re going to throw a few tips out there for you to see what you can use (now or in the future) for the situation you’re facing (or will be facing).
Tips for Difficult Conversations
• First, give your spouse a little grace and space to decide when it can work out best to talk.
“If you have something on your mind and your spouse isn’t ready to discuss it, let him or her know you want to talk. Say something such as, ‘I need to talk to you about childcare when you’re ready. Will you have some time before dinner?’ That’s all it takes to make sure your partner’s mind is in a receptive place.” (Les & Leslie Parrott)
Keep in mind:
“Sometimes my need to talk things through now is really my need to be in control. I find that things go much better if I’m patient and wait for the right opportunity—a moment when we can bring our full attention to the problem without the issue being complicated by tensions that really stem from another source. The world will not end if I wait until we’re both rested and calm to address a particular conflict. After all, we have our whole lifetime to work on our relationship.” (Ellyn Sanna)
So,
“Pick a time and a place where your spouse will be open to hearing uncomfortable truth. Timing matters, because it takes patience, energy, and emotional hardiness to be on the receiving end. Avoid difficult conversations after a long day or a missed lunch, because mental reserves of self-control are running low. Instead, pick a time when you’re both refreshed and you don’t have to rush.” (Kira Newman)
This has helped us tremendously in our marriage. We used to talk about whatever was on our mind whenever it occurred to us. THAT didn’t work! It caused a lot of contentious fights, and often complicated matters more than it helped. That’s because timing is SO important!
Standing Rule
We now make it a standing rule that we don’t discuss anything that can cause arguments at night before bed, or in the car when our attention should be on the roads. We table those for another time. Also, we refrain from starting difficult conversations during H.A.L.T. times (when either of us is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired). It has worked out so much better for us. And as a result, we’re each more receptive to hearing and talking to each other in productive ways.
• Additionally, although timing is important, so is privacy:
“If you’re going to have a discussion, take it someplace private and conduct it hand-in-hand with your mate. If you’re going to talk to the person in this world you’ve chosen to spend your life with… close the personal space and deal with him or her close and personal. Hold hands. It makes it easier to communicate, and much, much harder to argue.” (Dr Phil McGraw)
• And then when you do begin those difficult conversations, soften your approach.
“Research indicates that 96 percent of the outcome of an interaction is based on the first 3 minutes of the conversation (Gottman, 1999). So, in order to have an effective outcome, it is helpful to set a positive tone from the beginning. Some suggestions include using a soft voice and approaching the situation in a win-win attitude.” (Naomi Brower, MFHD, CFLE)
In Your Difficult Conversations
• Be aware of your posturing as you’re working through difficult issues.
Your body language sometimes speaks more to your spouse than anything else you could ever say. Make sure when your spouse is trying to communicate something important, that you turn your attention his or her way. Regard that time as something important, because it should be, and it IS. Look directly into your marriage partner’s eyes when he or she speaks, showing that you are paying attention—and make sure you are.
Also, it’s important to note:
“Each person should have the chance to state his or her position without being subject to interruptions, eye rolling, or editorial from the other spouse.” (Terri K. & Paul C. Reisser)
You don’t do that, do you? If you do, stop! This just damages your marriage relationship.
• Throughout your conversation, even if things get tense, remember to be kind. (Sometimes we forget!)
“Utilize your teeth as gates that prevent ugly speech ‘creatures’ from getting out and gnawing on your spouse (or anyone else for that matter). Worse than having poor communication skills is having the ability to clearly articulate your thoughts if all you want to do is say something mean or demeaning. Never say anything that will confuse or hurt anyone and start being good by practicing on your spouse. Think of mean speech as a verbal dagger aimed for the heart. Never is there an acceptable reason to be mean.” (Paul Friedman)
Just in Case
And here’s a “just in case, heads up” tip that’s important to note:
“Much of the time we believe we’re talking reasonably, when in fact we are accusatory and provocative. There is a bite in our voice. We’re making a complaint without realizing it. We believe we’re in a space to talk, when in fact we feel defensive and hurt, ready to defend ourselves or attack our mate.” (Dr David B Hawkins)
• Don’t just talk—LISTEN to your spouse to better understand their side of the conversation.
“Regardless of the habits you saw growing up and those that may have characterized you for most of your life, you can teach yourself to take radical responsibility to listen, to understand, to accept, to be kind, to be patient, to forgive, and to love even when your partner may not be making that same choice. In fact, we are most like our Lord Jesus Christ when we love in this kind of situation.” (Gary & Carrie Oliver)
“If you listen before you answer, if you think before you speak, if your heart instructs your mouth, then what you say will make your wife feel loved or your husband feel respected.” (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs)
• Also, stay on subject. Don’t bounce around to other issues. And don’t go on and on about the issue. If you need to, break it up into several discussion times.
“Before you allow an issue to consume too much of your time, ask yourself, ‘How important is this?’ Is it a high or a low-ticket item?” (Gary & Carrie Oliver)
• Above all, make your spouse more important to you than the issue at hand.
“The next time you and your spouse get into a tense conversation, you may want to envision Christ standing just beyond your spouse’s shoulder. When you do, remember His words: ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me’.” (Matthew 25:40 ESV) (Dr. Emerson Eggerichs) “’And whatever you . . . say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus…” (Colossians 3:17 NLT)
• In the end, it’s important to know that difficult conversations don’t always end in agreement:
“You will have issues in your marriage where the best you can do is agree to disagree. When that is the case, move on. Find a workable solution so you can both live with it. You do this at work with co-worker relationships, so make it happen with your spouse.” (Jim Burns)
“Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable. There are things that you and your spouse disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can’t you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your beliefs. But you can simply agree to disagree and reach ’emotional closure’ even though you haven’t reached closure on the issue.” (Dr Phil McGraw)
Lastly, if you need a little extra insight into this issue, here are a few links to articles that just may help you:
• HOW CAN I START A DIFFICULT CONVERSATION WITH MY SPOUSE?
• WAYS TO APPROACH YOUR SPOUSE TO TALK
We pray all of this helps as you slog through those difficult conversations with your spouse!
Cindy and Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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