Here’s the question we’re posing to you: “Do you feel disconnected to your spouse?” If your answer is yes, then our reply to you would be, “Yep! That’s pretty normal!” If your answer is no, then our reply to you would be, “Great! We’re happy for you with all our hearts.” Please enjoy this season of connection, for however long it lasts. Savor it and enjoy every minute of it! We’ve gone through many, many of those times — as a matter of fact, we’re going through one of those seasons right now. And it’s wonderful!
However, don’t be surprised if you eventually get to the place where you do feel disconnected to your spouse. Unfortunately, that’s what happens in a normal marriage. It just so happens that we can’t live on the mountaintops of marital bliss and marital connection forever.
There are seasons of connection and seasons of disconnection. That’s because stuff happens, that squeezes in between us and pushes us away from each other. That’s called life, and that’s called being human. Sometimes it’s sinful stuff that causes disconnection. After all, you’re one sinner married to another! So, sin, by its very nature causes all kinds of problems.
But sometimes it’s unavoidable circumstances and people that pushes us apart as we work through it. (This could include health issues, job loss, loss of a loved one, financial problems, etc.) Or maybe it’s the “silent creep” where disconnection just creeps up on us and we don’t even realize it until “all of a sudden” we feel disconnected from each other. In a different way, we’ve gone through all the above many, many times, and praise God, we’ve eventually come out on the victorious side.
Tips for When You Feel Disconnected
Below are a few tips we can share that we’re hoping might help you (as they have us). Read, pray, glean through them and use what works for you.
First, as far as needing to connect again because your life together feels boring and mundane. Here’s something The Gottman Institute recommends (and we do too):
“To reconnect with your [marriage] partner, start small. Turn toward your partner, even for the smallest bids. (A bid is an attempt to get attention, affection, or acceptance for emotional connection.) Tell them how much you appreciate and admire them. Support them in their difficulties and celebrate their successes. Those small, everyday moments are the most important romantic gestures, and they will build up a wealth of positivity and connection in your relationship.”
That’s true! How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! Then, here’s what Beth Young recommends:
“How do you overcome the routine you’ve fallen into? By daily acts of kindness, letting your spouse know you’re thinking of them throughout the day. Never leave the house without a passionate kiss…giving a little passion to remember you by for the rest of the day. Take 30 seconds to email a note of caring and even enticement. Also set aside time to have a weekly date night so your relationship continues to grow.”
Additional Thoughts
And then, Debi Walter from The Romantic Vineyard recommends:
“If you don’t feel the love, you once had for your spouse, go back to treating them the way you did at first: Plan a romantic date they’d enjoy – Go out of your way to bless them in a meaningful way – Listen to your spouse with eye contact. No distractions – Pray for them – Do something for them so they don’t have to, like the dishes or wash the car – Call during the day just to say you miss them.”
Let’s make our spouse and our first human priority. Consider the following that Dr Gary Chapman points out:
“Why is it that when we were dating, we focused so much time and attention on each other, but after a few years of marriage, we focus on everything else? The fact is, we desperately need each other. The Bible calls us not only to love each other but to take delight in it! I want to call you to refocus attention on your spouse.”
Refocusing When You Feel Disconnected
And that’s what we’re trying to say here. Refocus. Turn your attention back onto your spouse, as Gary Thomas suggests (and so do we):
“If you want an extraordinary life and marriage, you can’t keep doing what everyone else does—tire yourself out trying to keep up with the latest Netflix or HBO hits. Lisa and I both enjoy our favorite series, but we also recognize it’s far too easy to let screen time grow and page time shrink. So, this is just a friendly reminder to put ‘two and two’ together: if things aren’t ‘clicking,’ if a persistently sour attitude is hard to shake, if you feel frustrated with God and your spouse, resolve to deal with the disease and not just the symptoms.
“Do something different by cutting down on the screen time, recalibrating your mind, and reading more. If you want an ‘average’ walk with God and an ‘average’ marriage, just keep doing what the average individual or couple does. If you want to reach a bit higher, resolve to do something different. If you’re like me, you’ll find that when you do, the atmosphere in your mind, home and marriage will start to get much, much sweeter.”
Phil Carlson also makes a great suggestion:
“If you and your spouse never talk to each other, you risk a growing disconnection. If you never talk about anything but your kids, you risk not building a relationship that will survive when the kids leave home. However, I’ve learned that some couples communicate differently than other couples. As a mentor, I want the couple to find what works best for them.”
We agree! But to do that, you need to carve out special times to talk to each other to figure out what works best for you as a couple.
Something More that Phil wrote to read and then discuss:
“Do you save up your quality time for a big date night or is there a way [or would you prefer] to build connection throughout the week? What’s the best plan to constantly be building connection? For some, daily touch points are far more important than a date night. For them, it’s saying goodbye when they leave. Maybe they talk about what their day will entail. Then, they find their partner when they return and give them a hug. Maybe they spend a few minutes each day talking about what happened during the day. Maybe they spend a few minutes every day talking and connecting.
“Some people love to receive text messages from their partner during the day. Every time they receive one it communicates, ‘I’m thinking about you.’ For others, they prefer not to text and would rather talk face-to-face. What about you? What sort of quality time works best for your marriage?”
And below is one last suggestion that we hope you will take to heart. It involves setting apart “sacred time” to be together. Steve and I believe with all our hearts that when we give our vows on our wedding day, we enter into a sacred covenant with each other and with God from that day forward. Our problem is that we too often forget our vows and we stop taking them as seriously as we should and as seriously as God sees that we should. May we never forget! May we refocus and treat each day as a new beginning to a lifelong journey together with each other and with God. And may we reveal and reflect the love of Christ in the way we interact with each other.
Lastly:
With that in mind, here’s something that Marni Battista suggests we do so we are not disconnected in our marriage relationship:
“In order to keep the spark alive and avoid ‘roommate syndrome’ couples have to understand the notion of spending ‘time’ together versus creating ‘sacred’ time together. Spending time at social events, time with family and doing chores together does not count as sacred time. Instead, carve out special time to not only be intimate, but also ensure that you continue to share new experiences together such as hiking, exploring someplace new, or arranging a stay-cation in your own city.”
Additionally, what about spiritually connecting? Jim Burns gives this insight:
“Dr. David Stoop, a leading authority on marriage, estimates that just one tenth of one percent of couples who pray together will get a divorce. We’re not trying to turn this into legalism but having a devotional time once a week and praying together daily builds a foundation of spiritual intimacy that will draw couples closer and prepare them for life together. … So, make it a goal to move toward spiritual oneness.”
We hope you will! We’d also love to hear what you’ve found works for you in your relationship.
This is our continual prayer for you:
“May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
Cindy & Steve Wright
— ADDITIONALLY —
To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:
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