Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

Emotional abandonment AdobeStock_99535893 copyAs it pertains to emotional abandonment, when your spouse shuts you out:

“It’s a complaint I hear regularly from people looking for help for their marriages:

  • ‘I feel distant from my spouse.’
  • ‘I try to get my husband to open up, but instead he just shuts down.’
  • ‘My wife just doesn’t seem interested in me anymore. I feel like we’re a million miles apart.’
  • ‘I don’t know if I love him anymore.’

“What we’re talking about here is emotional abandonment. Instead of physically leaving the relationship, your spouse simply checks out emotionally. They stop investing in the marriage, leaving their mate feeling detached and unwanted. To the outside world the situation can still look rosy, but in reality the relationship is dying a slow, quiet death.” (Dr Dave Currie with Glen Hoos)

Emotional abandonment might not even die quite so slowly and quietly, as the spouse who is shut out tries to grapple with what is happening. Sometimes there is a lot of screaming and finger-pointing within the home. This often complicates the situation even further. And yet, what can the abandoned spouse do to turn the relationship back around in the right direction?

Addressing this issue:

Honestly, it’s confusing —even to those who call themselves “experts” in marriage relationships because everyone’s situation is different. What’s especially tragic is that emotional abandonment is something that seems to be happening in epidemic proportions in marriages today, or maybe it’s just that we hear more about this in today’s world… it’s difficult to tell.

But whatever the case, this is something we need to address because of the devastation it is causing on so many levels to individuals within their marriages, families, churches, and society as a whole, as the family unit breaks down and goes in an unhealthy direction.

Insights that may help:

We have found several web site articles that we believe will help in some way. They are ones that give insight into what may be causing this type of emotional shut down. They also give insight on what you may be able to do to turn things around. Please read:

HER HUSBAND WOULDN’T SPEAK TO HER FOR THREE YEARS

MY HUSBAND IS A MYSTERIOUS ISLAND

With this next article, written by Dr Dave Currie and Glenn Hoos, posted on The Power to Change web site. It not only gives you solutions to consider but also gives you the opportunity to request to talk to a Marriage Mentor over the issue.

Something you may want to consider:

• EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

402 responses to “Emotional Abandonment: When Your Spouse Shuts You Out

  1. Married 22 years. My husband says he is not happy, yet can’t seem to say what is wrong. He wants discs. He is never home as he travels a lot. I feel he is hiding money. I found some; he had a lame excuse. He has me so withdrawn snd depressed. He is good to everyone but me. I do not want a divorce.

    We did lose our son last year. But he says that’s not the problem; we had been drifting apart. I am doing everything to save it.

    1. Hi Tami, I am married 36 years, (I am the husband) and I also have had the tendency to be “emotionally absent,” largely due to my childhood history. Sometime we men have a very hard time expressing ourselves because we either do not know how we feel (not ncie for you of course!) or we are afraid to express ourselves for fear of the reaction. Would your husband have reason to be afraid of your reaction? Has he always been a bit reclusive with his feelings?

      I am very very sorry to hear of your loss…I cannot imagine what that is like. He may say losing your son is not the problem, but I highly doubt that. Losing a child is a devastating experience for the fathers of course as well as the mothers. You both may well need professional help to get beyond such a loss, as well as to deal with the drifting apart you say has already been taking place.

      If I were in your position, I would be trying to get professional help. This would be over my head to deal with for sure.

      I certainly hope you can reach your husband and I hope these comments are of help. I hope and pray for the very best for you. I hope you see this post. God bless you both,
      WP (Work in Progress)

  2. Please help me pray. My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. We both grew up in church and both love the Lord. Our marriage has always been good but we do have to constantly work on it. We have had lots of struggles and I truly believe they mostly stem from my insecurities and his lack of seeing what love really looks like.

    His parents divorced when he was young and when they remarried neither step parent treated him very well. His own parents were very distant to him. But after 14 years I’m tired of that excuse. He constantly pushes me away. He doesn’t talk to me anymore. I truly feel more like we are roommates. I will say he is the most amazing dad I’ve ever met. So patient; so thoughtful; and always there to do everything and anything. I’m really sad that I get a little jealous, not of the kids but of the attention they get. I feel so lonely.

    I know each time this happens I alway draw closer to the Lord but it’s so hard at this point. I’m scared of the person I’m turning into. I’m so self-conscious. I have no self esteem. I’m starting to struggle with depression. I’m not sure I can continue to live this way. Of course no one else has a clue. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. I almost feel like I’m living a lie. I have bought several books to do together. I’ve tried to get him to talk with someone like our pastor or a therapist. I’ve tried to separate for some time to think but he always cries and begs and promises things will be different. And they are for a while.

    He used to be my best friend. Now I find things out from others about him. I’ve caught him in lies, all of which are to avoid an argument. I don’t feel like I can trust him anymore. I feel like I’ve been fighting a losing battle and I’m ready to get out. I know that is so selfish. It would break my kid’s hearts. But how much longer do I have to feel unwanted? I know he loves me. He’s a creature of habit and is comfortable. So meanwhile I don’t feel like he’s in love with me. I don’t want to admit it to family or friends so I keep it bottled up. Talking with him is just a waste of time.

    I can’t believe this is my life. Things were so different when we were dating. He knew my biggest goal of marriage was to be crazy in love and best friends. Now I don’t feel like we have either. I’m praying for God to help me. I don’t believe God would be pleased with divorce but I don’t want to be bitter and unhappy the rest of my life. Is there something I’m missing. What else could I or should I do before I just can’t take it anymore?

    1. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this lonely place within your marriage. Your husband sounds like he has some great qualities, but there is such a disconnect that he just doesn’t know how to stay connected with you over the long term, as he was able to do earlier in your lives together. There’s a book I highly recommend for you to read that could perhaps give you insight into his “love style” and what you can do about it. It’s a book written by Milan and Kay Yerkovich titled, How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage. It’s published by Water Brook. The authors of this book “draw on the tool of an attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an ‘intimacy imprint’ —an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain. The principles and solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to… –identify the imprints disrupting your marriage –understand how your love style impacts your mate –break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship –enhance your sexual intimacy, and –create a deeper, richer marriage.” I heard the Yerkovich’s talk about this subject and could see how it could absolutely change the lives of couples in positive ways as they better understood each other’s communication styles. It’s truly an enlightening book –revealing things I’d never realized before. I’m thinking it would do the same for you.

      Please consider obtaining that book. They have other material that you may find helpful, as well. But this seems to me that it would be a great starting point. I hope you will. I believe it could help you, as well as him, and it could also help your kids, because it’s so good for them to see their parents have a rich relationship. As you said, he’s a great dad in other ways, but he also needs to learn to show the mother of his children that she is loved and cared for, as well. I pray for you both and your family. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ —to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)

  3. I’ve married the most amazing woman. 29 years ago we married and I was the happiest guy in the world. We both have great jobs, raised 2 awesome girls and we were living the life people dream of. Well, the kids grew up and moved out to start their own journeys and we are in a very difficult rut. The wife stopped exercising, gained weight and hates herself. She reminds me every day of how awful she thinks she looks and how miserable her figure is. To me she is absolutely stunning. I still do everything I’ve done in the past, take care of the home, cars, boat, camper, bike and clean the house. I’ve adopted the kids chores so the wife has time to do as she pleases. There is no resentment on my part as I want her to be happy again.

    She won’t exercise, she just complains. I’m at a point where I don’t want to be around her. It’s the same thing every day, day after day. When we go to bed and I’m hoping for romance she just clamps up and says she isn’t in the mood. It’s been over a year and to be honest I’m ready to jump ship. She has become an emotional bully and I’m starting to shut her off. I’m turning a deaf ear when she begins her rants and sometimes I just get up and leave. She doesn’t get it. She turned 51, she’s 5’7 and about 135. That’s not heavy or big. She was about 118-120 with abs and very athletic. It never mattered that much and her becoming a bit more curvy to me is quite sexy.

    However I look at her now and all I think of is misery. She sets the tone of the house and it’s not good. I try to stay positive and I’m almost always in a good mood. Even my girls have noticed and don’t like calling her anymore. I think I’ve checked out of this relationship and I’m 1 step out the door. I don’t want to walk out but how much can I take? She’s talked about counseling but never calls and won’t let me. I did anyway and she made up an excuse why she can’t go. What can I do? I need help getting my baby back.

    1. Pre menopause or menopause possibly?? Sounds like she’s showing some classic signs and symptoms. If so, she may not even know yet. And if it is truly the case please try your best to be patient. Menopause can be terribly hard on females. Losing fertility naturally makes many women feel unattractive as they can no longer bear children. And many times their sex drive drops for a while. If this is the case, continue to love, compliment, reassure, comfort and be gentle with her. She will need you.

  4. Hi all, I am faced with tremendous emotional abandonment from my Husband as I have had affairs with other men. I am ashamed with what I have done and even got pregnant and have another man’s child. I am facing harsh criticism from friends and my husband’s relatives. I wish my Husband would forgive me and to salvage our marriage. We have 2 kids and a newborn who does not belong to him. I am at my desperate ends as my Husband has left me 2 months ago and uncontactable and even blocked me of all communication mode. My in laws hate me. I regret of my shameful acts and I hope that God can forgive me of my son and restore and repair my marriage.

    1. Hi Estheryeo, Let it first be said that you show great courage admitting your mistakes in an internet forum where you may be thinking, “Maybe the people who read this text will also judge me and condemn me.”

      God sees your heart Estheryeo and is more than able and more than willing to forgive ALL of your sin. You should carefully read Psalm 51 in the Old Testament… this is King David’s prayer after he made mistakes similar to those you describe. In verse 17 , we read: “The sactifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” In Psalm 57 we read in verse 15: For thus says the High and Exalted One, Who lives forever, whose name is Holy, “I dwell on a high and holy place, and also with the contrite and lowly ofspirit, In order to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.

      Here God is saying that He is close to those who regret their mistakes and want to make things right. Your text is one of a person with a CONTRITE heart…. God is close to you right where you are, when you get up and when you lie down, when you look after your children and when you miss your husband.

      I refer you to the following website which will perhaps give you a better picture of what this is like in practise:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQUMFYNe8sk

      I am sure that many who read your words will pray for your marriage and your family… that you be strengthened in the restoration process, that your husband will be given what he needs to forgive you from his heart…. The Bible also tells us in Matthew 19.26 “With people these things are impossible, but with God, all things are possible,” and in Mark 9.23, “All things are possible for the person who believes.”

      I have great respect for you. I hope to hear from you on this site again, WP (Work in Progress) (Husband married 36 years with 2 adult children)

  5. I’ve been married for 2 1/2 years and honestly the last year it’s been very rough. He doesn’t respect me; he hates any type of confrontation so nothing ever gets resolved. Lately he has been snapping at my kids and I over the smallest things or picking fight over something so small as me saying something the way I did. He always threatens divorce when he’s angry but takes it back after he’s calmed down. But how many times can I just believe he didn’t mean it?

    I give him everything just to try to make him happy and get nothing in return. I have to bribe him to cuddle and the only time he wants to be intimate is when he’s on his ambien and drinking. I’m not an unattractive woman and I’ve had many of my friends and co workers say I could do so much better. But why do I feel like I can’t and put up with how he treats me?

    1. Hi Anonymous, You ask “why do I feel like I can’t and put up with how he treats me?” Is it perhaps because you feel that you are not worth very much, and that you are lucky, after all, to have what you have? It sounds like your marriage started out very well, but has taken a sharp downturn. Do you have an idea of why the downward spiral began?

      It also sounds like something is going on with him as well… He sounds troubled, and is taking it out on you. Have you shared your above text with him? He may be entirely unaware of how you feel.
      I notice you wrote, “he has been snapping at my kids…” Does this mean your kids are not his, but that they came from an earlier marriage of yours? This could also be a factor.

      It’s hard to get us men to talk…sorry for that…but if you can do it in a way where he doesn’t feel threatened, that would be good. The more you share your heart with him, the more likely he will feel safe to share his heart with you.

      I hope these comments help…. This website is full of good advice on many topics. You should have a look around… WP (Work in Progress)

      1. I have a 12 year old that isn’t his and a 3 year old that is his. My 12 year old is recently staying with his dad due to my husband and him not being able to get along. This alone breaks my heart that it came down to that. I have told him how I feel and I get told that I’m overly sensitive and exaggerate things; he seems emotionally unattached to our marriage or even his own son at times. If I bring up a problem it turns into a huge fight by him getting defensive so I’m afraid to say anything now just to avoid the fight.

        I do have some abandonment issues from my childhood that I think play a part in how I am today and I’m trying to work on them but he doesn’t help when he threatens divorce anytime something goes wrong. Do I call him on his bluff and just move on? I feel like I’m the only one trying to salvage the marriage at this point and he’s taking advantage of it.

        1. Hi Anonymous wife, Ah yes, when you say you have abandonment memories from when you were young, the rest of your text falls more into place. I have had the same… I can see where this makes a threat of divorce that much more difficult to deal with.

          Are you ready and able to “call his bluff and just move on?” This question you have to answer for yourself… and then make up your mind on how you want to proceed. Of course a breakup would be very difficult for the 2 children… they would be paying in the end. It sounds like he has threatened divorce often enough, but he knows that you do not want this, so he can get away with his present behavior- he knows you won’t leave. But then, if he keeps threatening divorce, why has he not acted on this earlier? Maybe you are more in the driver’s seat here than you realize?

          Maybe another way to look at it is to answer the question, “Am I willing to put up with the present state of things for the next 1 year, 2 years, 5 years or longer?” Your friends say you are not an unattractive woman and you could do so much better. Well… maybe your husband needs to know this… if he doesn’t already. Seems he is taking you seriously for granted.

          I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. I hope these ideas are OK for you… May God look after you and the children, and give you special guidance in these matters… WP (Work in Progress)

  6. Hi everyone, today is my wedding anniversary and it feels like a hectic day ąlready. It’s a constant thing my husband controls me and yells at me. Today after 6 years of marriage will be my last time of getting excited about our wedding anniversary. I have decided to turn to my father in heaven because he is the only one that keeps me happy. I thank God for the union we have a child who is so loving to me. I will ask that every woman feeling abandoned should ask God to come and fill your life with happiness no matter what God is the maker of everything we are attached to so we should be giving all showers of blessings and not a mere man. Thank you

    1. Hi Tee, Well, your wedding anniversary was now 5 days ago… How did it go? You’re right, God Himself is our final and original source of happiness. Your comments are very wise. However, maybe your husband is having his own troubles. Yelling and controlling usually originate from a lonely and hurting soul. Has he ever voiced his feelings to you? Does he feel safe in expressing himself? This is difficult for many men… not because we don’t want to necessarily, but more because it’s hard to connect with how we feel, or we don’t always have the correct words. What do you think? WP (Work in Progress)

    2. Tee, I’m going through the same exact thing. Anniversary in two days and he’s not even talking to me. I’ve done everything in my power to make it work and I’ve failed. So now I give it to God. Nothing naturally I can do, so now something supernatural has to take place.

  7. My husband and I met 16 years ago and married for 13 years. We separated 3 months ago and when he calls me but won’t hold a conversation with me. He will ask how I’m doing and say I will call you tomorrow. The phone call never comes through until 2 weeks later but I notice he continues to post on Facebook But he never calls me back as promised.

    I am so confused and want to know how he really feels about me. I asked him and he always says that he had a lot of lust in him for other women and doesn’t want to argue with me about that. Please spare any insight on this matter. Should I divorce my husband because I don’t know where I stand with him.

    1. Mildred, It isn’t our place (or anyone else’s) to tell you to divorce. That is a matter between you and God. You need to earnestly pray and ask God what to do.

      As far as where you stand with him, obviously, you are not a high priority in his life –fulfilling his lust is. And he doesn’t want to be accountable for it. I wish I didn’t have to say this to you because no spouse who cares at all would ever want to hear this. But you asked and it is obvious to those who are not as close to the situation. Will this situation change? I’m not sure. But I CAN tell you that right now his focus in elsewhere and he won’t change unless he gets out of his “functional fixedness.” The following is an article you can read that can explain this better: https://marriagemissions.com/why-doesnt-my-spouse-change-functional-fixedness/. Pray, read, pray, ask God for wisdom, and then with a “love must be tough” stance, do what you truly believe God is telling you –not what you want to believe, or what others tell you to believe –take your time and do what you believe God would have you do. That is the best advice I can give you.

  8. Hello my name is Rachelle. I am so confused. I left one bad marriage and met a man I thought was wonderful. Then his sisters and brothers all stepped in and caused so much drama. They’re well off; I’m not. When they go off I’m good enough to watch the dog. Well when I got pregnant they didn’t believe me because this man wouldn’t have kids, his doctor said. But we lost the baby. It was his.

    I’ve only been with 2 men. I married the first, and this one I’m with for like 5 years. In that 5 years he was nice, caring, and loving the first year. Then he started turning hateful, and rude, would blame my kids and ex when I found out he did meth. I never did that or know about it. Before I met him he did it 6 months before moving to the city, and the 2 time not but 5 months ago. Why? What should I do?

    1. Rachelle, this guy is bad news. If you continue with him, you will only get into more and more trouble. You sure don’t want to mess with someone who does meth. They can do absolutely crazy things. You could be putting your life into jeopardy. Red flags are waving everywhere to warn you to escape this craziness now –it will only get worse.

  9. Hi, for 2 weeks my husband has been very short and distant from me. He told me out of the blue that he didn’t know if he loved me the way he used to or wanted to be married to me. We’ve been married for 20 years. I was totally shocked and never once expected it. Not sure if this is emotional abandonment or what but he works out of town for days and comes home on the weekend. I’ve tried to reach out and talk and ask to not break up our family because of the love that we have and I get no where except that I need to stop pushing.

    How do you stop? I want my husband and I want him to love me. When we talk on the phone everyday I tell him that I love him. He can’t say it and it crushes me. Do I stop saying it? I feel in my heart that it’s meant to be. I pray and God has not told me to stop trying. The devil is what is working on this and him and it’s hard to fight him off but I don’t know what else I can do. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I can’t even concentrate on anything. I have asked if he is cheating and he has looked me in the eyes and told me NO. I have to believe him but we have not been intimate in 3 weeks and the only thing I can do is just give him a hug; he has completely shut me out of everything. I need guidance. I don’t know what my next move should be and I want to keep my family together. Thanks.

    1. Hi Lee Ann, I sincerely wish I had seen this post sooner… I am a husband married 36 years with 2 adult children. I understand it when you say your husband cannot say, “I love you.” For some men this is a very hard thing to do, because it carries such risk in their minds. Is it true that he has always been this way –hard for him to express his feelings, especially on this very intimate level?

      I can only say, keep on expressing yourself to him, and telling him “I love you.” Although he gives no indication, it is music to his ears. I know you feel like you are speaking to a wall, but the wall is hearing you and taking in your words.

      I have a feeling that he is telling the truth when he says he is not cheating. Has he seen this text you just wrote? It would be a very good thing for him to read it! I would also say, perhaps it would be good if you were not too “clingy…” Perhaps take a step back and be busy with your own hobbies and interests a bit more. Of course let him know in clear terms that you love him… yes… but also take a small step back. See what you think.

      Perhaps the following website will be of help… if you are unfamiliar with the “5 basic love languages” http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication-and-conflict/learn-to-speak-your-spouses-love-language/understanding-the-five-love-languages. I hope things turn around… take care, WP (Work in Progress)

  10. I have a serious problem with my wife. I’ve tried everything short of being unfaithful to her, even had her arrested when one of our arguments turned a litttle physical once on her part. But for the past 3 years every discussion I have with her turns into a heated arguement.

    1. Hi Vinny, Has your relationship always been this way? Or was there a time when things were more harmonious? How long have you been married? Seems that your wife may have a concern or a difficult situation of which you may be unaware… and that she is very preoccupied with it… a little more information would give a better picture of your situation. Hope to hear from you, WP (Work in Progress)

  11. My wife and I seperated in 2011 and I initiated divorce that we agreed on, splitting our daughter 50 / 50 and agreed on a divorce between each other without Lawyers. Then one year later, as we were co-parenting, and began spending a little time together for our daughter, she suddenly was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and thyroid cancer. I immediately asked her to move in so I could care for and help her and raise our daughter. Despite her large family, nobody stepped up or in to help and I knew she’d deal with it all alone. She quickly moved in and it caused a lot of pressure on me and I suffered from a debilitating fall at work requiring several surgeries a couple years before this happened. I felt like she had abandoned me when I was hurt and sat at home for 2 years all alone and that is what in large part led to the divorce.

    So back to the cancer, I saw her through, went to appointments, chemo, surgeries, radiation, and all while trying to shelter our daughter who was very young at the time but smart and growing. I struggled going back to work for several years because she was always on my mind. She went into remission for about one year, then through close monitoring, the cancer came back in small doses, starting with nodules in her lungs, then cancer on her pelvis, then the skull in 3 spots, then a scatter of cancer on her spine.

    All the while, we had moved away to a new place and new doctors. She underwent a milder form of chemo, radiation to the brain and then suddenly a change in treatment to hormone therapy and then a constant adjustment of thyroid meds since her they’re is was removed in the beginning. All of a sudden, I watched the woman I took care of for over 4.5 years develop a severe personality mood disorder. It happened very quickly. It was scary going home. I would be greeted one day with anger for reasons I could never understand despite trying to, 3 hours later, tiredness and she would just sleep, then 3 hours later, she would want a hug, then 3 hours later she hated me. It killed me inside to live through and watch this and it began shifting and the focus targeted my daughter who is old enough now to sort of understand and I had to draw the line. I asked her for us to seperate. I did so as gently as possible, she would not talk about it. I didn’t feel right just leaving, so I pleaded with her for a month or two. Things spiraled much worse. I told her that I didn’t want to go file for divorce but I couldn’t live that way any longer. So in a span of a few weeks, she turned into the most vindictive woman I never knew.

    I went to a doctor appointment for just having had a major knee surgery only to be served with an Emergency Temporary Restraining Order against her and my daughter for alleged physical and mental abuse for the last 6 years and accused me of being a drug addict for taking prescription pain meds for my injuries and that I couldn’t even go back In my own house to get clothes, medicine, check book, nothing. Even with me calling the Police to have her let me in as was mentioned I could do to get necessary belongings until the hearing date, she refused and told the Police “NO”. She then filed for divorce one week later. I since had to hire an Attorney and I have spent so much (all) of my life savings and when my hearing date came, for the TRO, the judge just pushed it off and combined it with the Divorce giving me no contact in the interim with my daughter.

    That’s what is destroying me the most. I walked my daughter to school to drop her off one morning and haven’t seen her or talked to her since. My daughter is my best friend. I did everything with her. I never went a single day without seeing her or if I were gone for work on a couple occasions, I talked to her on the phone or FaceTime at the very least. I’m so scared, confused, hurt, feel betrayed, and I am just sitting and waiting for my date to come and I can’t make any sense of this. I had suspected that maybe her doctor wasn’t being very forthcoming with her for a while because he was treating her and all her cancer were supposedly small in size, but spread all over and he kept telling her not to be too alarmed even though she was a stage 4 cancer patient. That the cancer would be dealt with systemically and that if anything grew large, it would get addressed. Yet with that approach, she started with only small modules of beast cancer I. Her lungs, but during his course of treating her for one year, it spread to several other places but we’re all “small” and not to be too alarmed. She wouldn’t let me go with her to appointments a few months before they did the radiation on her skull and changed the treatment to hormones, etc so I had asked her if I could go talk to her doctor after one of her appointments to ask why was it spreading if it was nothing to be alarmed of? So I sit and wonder if there was more to this that I never knew, if she is terminal, what triggered this? Why would she take the father of her child away from our daughter knowing how close we are and how much we love each other.

    Why is she ruining my life and draining all the money that would go to our daughter once we pass? We are young and this started at a young age. I’m so confused. I have yet to find anyone that has heard of someone doing something so extreme. I don’t know if anyone else has been through something similar and can she light on this behavior? It’s too late to try counseling (which i asked her to and she refused, then went on her own just a few weeks prior to filing the TRO). She has always been a very stubborn person and she doesn’t see that this is just ruining our daughters life. Neither one of us makes a lot of money. I stopped working several months ago from the surgery and we are both collecting disability so it’s not like she could be motivated by money. She will get very little if any spousal support and from everything I have been told, it’s not likely she’ll be able to deny visitation beyond the TRO. So there is no money factor to gain. Please can anyone give me some insite.

  12. Last year I put my wife through a real rough time. I lost my job and was depressed, took it out on her emotionally. This was the year I was going to change after 7 years of doing her wrong; this was my year to change. She didn’t feel that the change came fast enough and I said “if you want to leave, then go and divorce me.” She has now taken that to heart and is looking for a divorce while im looking not to lose my family.

    1. Well, I hope you’re not a Mike I know of, because then you may mistakenly think I am unobjective, but based in your posting here, from your words, to me it sounds like maybe wanting to change is not really your thing? Maybe she feels hurt by your lack of interest for her needs, and you just want to stay connected for reasons other than your partnership? Maybe you should let her know personally what you want out of your partnership so that you both are on the same “page,” instead of allowing her to believe that you want the same as her if you don’t.

  13. I supported an alcoholic for the past 5 years. He moved from another state and “gave up his career” to be with me. We were in a long distance relationship for a year so I never knew or saw his drinking habits. But when he moved here that’s when I noticed his sickness. I had no experience with this so I kicked him out. Of course my friends and family said I was unreasonable and to give him a chance and that he probably drinks because he’s depressed. So I begged him to come home (he moved in with his family for a few months) and we started over.

    That’s when he didn’t even bother hiding the fact that he drank. I changed my approach and tried to bribe him, inspire him but nothing. Days, months and then years passed, he just couldn’t make up his mind. So I finally told him he needed to work (even part time) or go to school (he has GI bill so he gets paid to go to school). He finally decided to go to school and I was so happy. This time he was focused and excited to be doing something. I was over the moon.

    Then when he got his first pay, all his promise of finally helping me and taking care of me were gone. I had to demand he give me “rent” money. Then he started to shut me out. We sleep in a separate room so he would lock himself in the room and won’t come out when I’m home. If he does come out, he’ll make hurtful comments. When he leaves, I check his room and noticed he’s been buying lots of alcohol. The sad thing is that all of a sudden, now that he was making his own money, he didn’t want to talk to me, see me, NOTHING!!!

    So I would ask why he kept treating me this way and he kept screaming at me that I was being immature and that he needed to concentrate. We fought because he won’t talk to me in person or answer my text/calls. It would be for 3 weeks, then we’ll talk and fight, then back to ignoring me for weeks at a time while we live together. How does that happen? So I threatened to kick him out and he did. He said he was tired of my drama, and at least now, he can go out whenever he wants and spends his money on whatever he wants, etc. I cried and told him that after all these years of my supporting him financially, bought him a car, spent thousands for him to travel, (I spent a couple hundred thousand to make him happy) he walked out on me the moment he made some money. I know that’s not gonna last but I feel so betrayed, hurt and lonely.

  14. I was married for 2 years when my husband started having an affair. He continued it for years until they tortured me to the point of me losing it. I left and they tortured me till I returned. That was 5 years ago and we’ve lived like 2 strangers since. He tells me all of the time how useless I am and how he hates me but will never leave. What am I going to do? I have no self-esteem left. We don’t have sex. He tells all of our business to all of his family and mine side with him. So I’m totally alone.

  15. Please pray for my marriage, we are in the final days before he leaves citing no sexual contact in our relationship. I suffer from depression and have disabilities, so not easy…been together 15 yrs…Always seeming close, but he dropped the bombshell and hardly speaks now and won’t stay in a room with me. I am heartbroken; 3 days until he leaves forever.