How do you deal with the situation, where you feel that verbal abuse is being thrown at you within your marriage? And how do you know if this isn’t just a “normal” matter of one spouse disagreeing with the other? Plus, there is also the matter of emotional abuse. There’s no doubt that both of these are destructive for you and your marriage relationship.
One thing we do here at Marriage Missions is to hunt for information that will best help spouses to understand the different aspects of marriage. This way each marital situation can be approached prayerfully, carefully, and better educated. The goal is to be led by our Wonderful Counselor, the Holy Spirit, to do what He shows is best.
Clarification Concerning Verbal Abuse And Emotional Abuse
With that in mind, we want to first deal with the topic of emotional abuse. It’s important to clarify what it is and what can be done about it. And then we’ll go on to the topic of verbal abuse. You can have one directed at you without the other, and yet, they often overlap.
First of all, we encourage you to pray before reading —that the eyes of your heart and mind will humbly be open to comprehend what God wants for you to know.
“Good and upright is the LORD.
Therefore He instructs sinners in his ways.
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them His way.”
(Psalm 25:8-9)
Secondly, it’s important to recognize emotional abuse for what it is. Dr Barbara Shaffer asks the questions:
“Can you identify a symptom of emotional abuse? More importantly can you define emotional abuse or identify any of its forms?”
To obtain some answers, please click onto the link below to read:
• CAN YOU IDENTIFY A SYMPTOM OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
More on Emotional Abuse
Next, it’s important to know even more about this type of abuse. Counselor, and author Leslie Vernick explains much more about emotional abuse in her book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope
Verbal Abuse
And that takes us to the issue of verbal abuse. Most often it overlaps with emotional abuse. But here’s a little peak into the way relationship expert, Leslie Vernick, explains it:
“Cursing someone out is bigger than just using four-letter words. Cursing someone is condemning him or her as if you’re their judge or even their god. When someone does that he (or she) believes they’re the superior one; and as such have the right to cast “judgment” on another’s character, personhood, or even actions in a demeaning or derogatory way. The Bible speaks to this kind of person. Jesus says, ‘If you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell” (Matthew 5:22).
First, Concerning Verbal Abuse:
“It’s helpful to make a distinction between an abusive incident and an abusive relationship. Since we are all sinners, we are all capable of some verbal abuse. (James 3:2). James also cautions believers that our tongue can be misused as a weapon to hurt other people. (Yes, the Bible speaks of emotional and verbal abuse). James describes it this way. He says the tongue is ‘restless and evil full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father; and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right!‘ (James 3:8-10). He also warns that if we ‘claim to be a believer and don’t control our tongue, we are lying to ourselves and to others‘ (James 1:26).
“Therefore, when someone who claims to be a Christian sins and verbally curses someone out, or just says something hurtful, he or she should immediately recognize that he has crossed a line and used his tongue as a weapon for harm. James clearly says this is not right. As does Paul in Romans 13:10 when he says, ‘Love does no harm.‘
“Once that line has been crossed, a sincere apology should be given; repentance before the Lord should occur and a strong effort to never repeat that kind of abusive speech should be made. However, when abusive behavior/speech happens again and again and again, then it’s not just simply crossing the line and being a sinner. It is being an unrepentant sinner who refuses to submit himself under the authority of God.” (From Leslie’s article, “Emotional and Verbal Abuse”)
Verbal Abuse: Intimidation and Bullying
So, what do you do when there is verbal abuse, intimidation, and bullying in your marriage? And what exactly IS bullying? Dr Juli Slattery says the following:
“Intentionally or not, a bully uses intimidation and coercion to get his or her way. Yes, women can be bullies too. A wife can skillfully use emotional coercion like humiliation and cynicism. She does this to ‘punish’ a husband who isn’t ‘behaving’ according to her desires. I’ve met powerful, competent men who panic at the thought of crossing their wives. Is this normal conflict or bullying?”
That’s an important question to consider. To help you with this issue, Dr Slattery recommends reading the following books. We also recommend them:
As far as emotional abuse (including bullying), author Mary Yerkes describes it this way:
“Emotional abuse leaves few physical scars. Its victims suffer no broken bones, torn flesh or spilled blood. Still, those wounded might describe it as the most painful and destructive form of domestic violence.”
Additional Information to Help You
To discover what Mary lived through and learned about this form of abuse, we direct you to a posted article for Focus on the Family. After reading the article, also read the additional articles they suggest in the series. We believe they will help you gain a fuller picture of this type of abuse:
• UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Christian counselor, Dr Barbara Shaffer writes the following concerning emotional abuse. (It comes from the article, “Emotional Abuse: The Abuse Beneath Abuse.”)
Dr Shaffer writes:
“Abuse in the context of an intimate relationship involves a persistent pattern of behaviors. It is not simply a mistake. Nor is it an isolated incident or a sudden loss of control. The goal that motivates all forms of abuse is to exercise power and to control…
“Physical abuse can leave bruises, and break bones. It can cause various permanent, structurally based impairments, like hearing and memory loss. These observable signs of impact signal the need for healing, assistance, protection, and safety. In contrast, emotional abuse is characterized by invisibility and great subtlety. It leaves no obvious mark that would call attention to injury, danger or the need for intervention. Although abuse comes in varied shapes, intensities, and every forms, it has an emotional component.
Definition: What exactly is emotional abuse?
“Emotional abuse is foundationally an attitude of entitlement and profound disrespect. It discounts at every turn the inherent right of the other person to dignity, separateness and autonomy. The other person is seen as only a contemptible object. Out of entitlement and disrespect spring the various behaviors that use anger, violence and/or contempt to induce fear, guilt and shame. The other person is thereby controlled, punished, or demeaned.”
Additionally, here’s something Kerby Anderson points out that is important to note:
Verbal Abuse Doesn’t Leave Evidence
“Almost everyone knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering. It doesn’t leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in silence and isolation. In this article, tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers.”
To learn what Kerby Anderson goes on to explain, read this Probe Ministries article:
“Harsh words can destroy your marriage. Here’s how to defuse verbal abuse.”
Dealing with Verbal Abuse
If you do want to know how to deal with and defuse verbal abuse we recommend that you prayerfully read the following articles. We need to tell you that they are not Christian articles per se. But they are very good ones. So, if you read something within them that you feel God would object to, please disregard that particular piece of advice. But overall, most of the advice can be very valuable. As you will see, one article will lead to links to others to read. Please read all you can. It’s important to glean through what you read to decide what will work for you in your marriage.
The articles we recommend you read are:
• YOUR VERBALLY ABUSIVE WIFE, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Also, the ministry of All About Life Challenges can help you to better recognize verbal abuse. They also show you ways to avoid depression and find hope. This is important when you feel beaten up verbally. To learn more, please read:
Lastly, the following scripture is something you may find helpful to pray:
“Guard my life and rescue me.
Let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
“May integrity and uprightness
protect me,
because my hope is in you.”
(Psalm 25:20-21)
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International compiled this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
Filed under: Abuse in Marriage
(USA) My husband is a classic abuser, he calls me every name you can think of. I was raped and molested as a child by a family member and he tells me I loved it and I’m a whore; when I try to defend myself he hits me, grabs me and tries to crush me while saying he’s loving me and then denies it, says I do it all to myself and the he never does anything wrong…its all me. When I try to get him off, he gets worse and if I yell he chokes me. He won’t let me leave. I’ve tried calling the cops and nothing gets done. I want away and he won’t let me go and he tries to use my children against me. They are 6 mo and 2 yr … I need help.
(USA) My husband has always been verbally and at sometimes physically abusive. In recent months he has begun to verbally assault me in public places such as the mall. He stated that I answered him in a tasty tone and subsequently shouted at me and abruptly left the table where we were seated (with everyone staring at us). Yesterday, he called me a bxxxx and shouted fxxx you; I don’t care if you get mad. This occured in a shopping center parking lot with folks looking on in amazement. He’s a bully and it’s getting harder and harder for me stay with him. Pray for me.
(USA) It gives me hope to know that I am not alone in my suffering. I feel so broken in my spirit because of the emotional and verbal abuse heaped on me almost daily, for the past 6 years. I married this man, and I have no idea why. Why in the world did I do this? I suppose the “in love” pheomenon overshadowed the insanity. I was in a fog. I have reached out to my parents for help, and I know they will be there at a moments notice to get myself and my 3 children out of this situation. I know that divorce is wrong and I don’t want that. But honestly, I’d love to just be ALONE.
When my husband is gone, our home is loving and happy. It feels so much lighter and easier. He hurts me with name calling and cussing, even does it in front of our kids. He blames me for his behavior. He blows up about any and everything. He cries and acts sad when I tell him I will leave if he doesn’t change. I’m praying for him and our marriage but I highly doubt he is going to change. It at least gives me hope to know I’m not alone and although I’m isolated, there are all of you going through this too. Thanks to the Lord for this site. Love in Christ Jesus.
(ZIMBABWE) I thought I was alone but seems this emotional abuse is everywhere. My husband calls me a harlot, liar and doesn’t appreciate what I do, dress, even my cooking. He controls me so that I don’t have friends. I mustn’t speak to males. He checks on how I conduct myself around males even relatives and when they go I will be in court i.e “you smiled when you greeted him.” I work in a male dominated environment and I’m the only woman at the level I’m on, with 9 males. I’m not allowed to do any discussions with these males as he calls it immoral. If I delay going home, within 5 mins all hell will break loose to the extend that I sometimes lie at work so that I leave some work not done to avoid problems at home. We have been married for 5 yrs and have a 5 1/2 yr old boy who sees all the quarreling happening almost everyday.
Out of curiosity after seeing his number in one of my old books in 2008, I tried to call my ex boyfriend but did not speak anything with him as I realized it was wrong. He just said hello and I didn’t say a word and cut it off. It then never happened again. He found out and I apologized and up to now he calls me a harlot who calls his exes. After this happened he has cheated on me more than twice, but my issue of calling my ex always comes out in any argument with him saying he still does not have a reason why I did it, and it always makes him angry. 5 days ago he told me my character stinks after I delayed going home by 5 mins when I had a meeting with a lady colleague who had travelled 60 km on business. The 2008 issue came up again.
I’m frustrated, and don’t know what to do. I try to be the person he wants me to be but it’s difficult when you are held responsible for all the arguments in the house because of something that happened 4 yrs ago.
If ever I speak to another woman in his eyes he wants to know what we were talking about, any phone call which come in his presence must be explained, even if he can hear the conversation is business. I have lost my self-esteem because of this man and it’s frustrating.
(USA) Both you and your husband are commiting major Love Busters with each other and a marriage cannot be sustained in that way. You have a child together and it would be beneficial if you both commited to rebuilding your marriage. I encourage you to read the book His Needs, Her Needs
by Dr. Bill Harley. It will give you a plan to rebuild your marriage so you have a loving, romantic marriage and family.
(USA) I have been married for 11 years and with no children due to the consistent abusive way that my husband treats me and his parents. It seems like any little thing we ask of him, a disagreement with him about him, and he will go off on us in a rage and go on and on for maybe even hours, sometimes screaming hateful words. When I threaten to leave him if he does not stop, he threatens my life and the life of everyone else I know and love.
Often at times when he goes into this abyss of verbal abuse I get a scary feeling the only way to end this cycle is to start planning an escape plan. Unfortunately this thought scares me more than anything in my life to do. But I also know I cannot continue to live this way day in and day out. I am a dedicated Christian woman who wants more than any thing to do the right thing. I would love to hear any advice, or wise inspiring words that can help me make the right decision. I know whatever it is I decide to do it is not going to be easy.
Brittany, Please read through the Abuse in Marriage topic –going into the Links and Recommended Resources as well, and ESPECIALLY. You need to prayerfully consider all that you read, gleaning through the information, asking the Holy Spirit to be your “Wonderful Counselor” in this. He will guide you as to the advice you should take to heart and implement, and who to contact that could give you even more advice –a Christian and/or Christian ministry who knows about abuse issues.
This type of behavior cannot continue. Your husband is caught up into a very dangerous cycle –dangerous especially for you and his parents. This is the type of behavior that will ramp up as time goes on. As long as he gives himself permission to treat you this way and is given the opportunity, it will get worse as time goes on. Anger issues have a way of growing if they are not somehow controlled and tamed and eventually dealt with at the root issue. He will eventually need to be the one to get the help, if he can come to that place of reaching out. But in the meantime, you need to figure out how to best protect yourself (perhaps even leaving him for a time to motivate him to get help –although, you need a plan in place IF it’s wise and even safe to do so… the links we have to other web sites on abuse, will give you added resources you can reach out for, to help you figure out the boundaries you CAN put forth and should put forth). I GREATLY encourage you to prayerfully and carefully start studying up on abuse with an eye on what YOU are to do in this abusive situation. But I wouldn’t let my husband know anything about this at this time. You want to be discreet –especially in the beginning, so you are safe. I pray you are able to find the help you need and the information that will be most helpful. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
(U.S.) Hi, my wife paid off my debt and is allowing me to go back to school. She doesn’t want me to pay her back but I certainly feel like she is short and resentful for having to be the breadwinner. We have been married for almost two years and I love her, but when she gets irritated with me from walking too slow or formulating my thoughts, it hurts a lot. I may have been careless financially but I have never thought that I lack intelligence. She is very condescending and at times states that she wishes she had a man taking care of her.
(USA) I know how you feel. I was working for 19 yrs. I retired last December and he’s always targeting me, calling me lazy, stupid, dumb, ect… I’m fed up. I even started working out so he could find me attractive but he’s still the same grumpy narssacist man. He makes me feel like I’m a burden and unimportant. I give up!!
(USA) I’ve been married for 16 yrs. My husband puts me down every chance he gets. I retired last December and now he makes me feel like he’s the boss. I have no say with my own children! Mind you, he does nothing to help out with the kids but he dares to criticize my parenting skills. He’s always right in his eyes. I feel alone, neglected, unappreciated and so alone. We barely talk and when we do, God forbid I express my feelings! He would turn it into a huge fight. I’m numb to it all already. I just go trap myself in my room and ignore it! I really think I will never be good enough for him. I give up :(
(ENGLAND) Why do men treat their wife with insults and threats to cause them harm? Is it because of depression or is it jealousy?
(USA) Probably for the same reasons women do the very same things. They are selfish and they think it will work. Abuse is not a gender specific trait. Men and women are equally capable of abusing their spouses.
(USA) I am concered about my marriage with husband. He is a minster, and I don’t understand why these things are happening. As a minister I felt that he wanted me to be prefect, but we both have had very bad physical abuse situations in our first marriage. I try very hard not to displease him, but no one knows that he yells at me, and makes me cry, then says I’m sorry. And then he tries to buy me something to make me feel better. My own children don’t even know.
He is very good person, but every now and then he yells at me. He always tells everyone how he has a beautiful wife in and out. Do why is this happening? I never told anyone this, but he gives himself to everyone else, and I feel so all alone. Sometimes he’s so tired that he even falls to sleep when having sex. I’ve prayed and cried, and have asked God to heal the both of us, but I’m weary and lonely.
(USA) I have known my husband for over 25 years, but we’ve only been married for 3 1/2 months. I know he loves me; he tells me all of the time. He also does wonderful things for me a lot. I was aware that he would sometimes lose his temper. This has happened since high school; but it was never for “no reason.”
Since we got married things have changed. For example, yesterday morning he had trouble lacing his boots, which made him run a little late. The string of profanities that came out of his mouth (all directed at the boots and the boot manufacturer) was staggering. After he had finished venting, I calmly suggested that if he would allow himself a few more minutes cushion in the morning to get ready, he would always be ready even if the unexpected happened. His response, “Do you want me to be mad at the boots or you?” Then, this morning, he realized that he hadn’t put a shirt in the laundry that he intended to and therefore it wasn’t clean. This time the blow up was directed at me for going to the car, therefore not hearing him ask for assistance, and for not helping gather the trash to be set out for trash day (which I have done every other Tuesday since we were married).
He apologized for this after a bit, and said it wasn’t anything I did specifically, he was just frustrated and it amplified. He then said it’s mainly my two dogs -they take up unnecessary time every day. One, he doesn’t do ANYTHING for/with the dogs. He hates indoor dogs (which he neglected to mention until after we were married). So, the “unnecessary time” that they take up isn’t even his time. To make matters worse, when he’s been agitated by anything, EVERYTHING is worse. I got him to work and he literally screamed, at me to drive a different direction. I thought he wanted to go to a different door so I drove that direction, but I got screamed at again. I was completely confused. He then yells at me to say he’s looking for one of his buddy’s pick-ups so that he can put his golf clubs in the back and not have to leave them in the break room. How was I supposed to know this?!
My husband and I are both Christians. I have asked him to seek counseling from our pastor, but I think he’s ashamed to have him know there is a problem.
(USA) My husband and I been married for 1 yr and 6 mos, but we have been dating for 7-8 yrs and he has never displayed this type of behavior. I am in a similar problem with my marriage and I started noticing the signs with my health and behavior. For example, I’m depressed, feel worthless, headaches, and short menstrual cycles due to stress. My husband uses my family a lot against me and blows up at me when they or myself do something he disapproves of e.g. paying for someone else’s meal, having my nephew or god daughter spend the night, when my mom calls his phone and asks for me (she don’t let him what she wants), my parents were about the run out of gas and I lent them $20 to get the gas station, my brother, sis in-law, and nephew showed up to the house unannounced just one time. He questions my ability of being a mom (we don’t have kids). He stated that he doesn’t care about my family, blames me for not being happy, threatens to divorce me repeatedly, and says that his mom said she disapproves of our marriage, etc. He has gotten MAD at me for these things.
I feel like he tries to make his family appear to be “better” than mine because they are more financially stable and make me feel guilty because my family is not as privileged. When he feels that I do something against him, he runs and tells people (family and friends) about what I’m not doing as a wife. As long as I do things accordingly, or my family doesn’t do something to upset him, he is happy go lucky. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I feel like my house is mine. I have no room to “be human” and that hurts so much because I know that he has flaws and I forgive him of things but I don’t get the same treatment.
My heart is sooooooooo heavy that I don’t know what to do. If I bring it up to him it will be denied and he will say you “play the victim; quit victimizing yourself, that’s all you know how to do”. I honestly feel like since his mom disapproves of our marriage he takes it out on me because in his “fantasy world” we’re supposed to be close. I’m on the edge! [FYI he makes it worse every time he runs and tells his parents stuff about me and gets mad at me because the in-law status isn’t where it should be for him.]
(USA) I’m an abusive husband. Depression, anxiety, moderate addiction has characterized much of my life. Verbal abuse has been part of how I have treated my wife. I’ve read much of what’s been written in this blog. My form of abuse doesn’t include insults, name-calling, criticism, selfishness, physical voilence, etc. About 1-5 times a year, I get suddenly really mad at her or, on occasion, one of my adult kids. When this happens, I’m very agressive, profanity, finger pointing, accusing, loudly yelling, crowding their personal space as I kind of bully them. It can be pretty bad. Lasts about 5 minutes.
Then I feel horrible about it. I don’t defend what I’ve done. I seek the other party out quite quickly and make sure they know that I don’t believe that my behavior was OK and I apologize. But those apologies do tend to lose their validity after so many years. Whatever caused me to have that outburst ceases to become a matter to discuss because I’ve changed the issue and it’s become me and how I was abusive. As much as I hate this trait of mine, it’s been a problem for 35 years. I haven’t fixed it. Feels like I can’t fix it. I never know when it is going to happen again. I don’t know if this level of abuse seems somewhat “tame” to some readers compared to other stories above. But, I can tell you that it really hurts the other party.
(SOUTH AFRICA) Hey you all, I have been experiencing the same hurt for the last 21 years and was totally oblivious to what or why I am so unhappy the moment my husband would come home. I am a total wreck days when we are together. I’m afraid to open my mouth.
(UNITED KINGDOM) Hi, I have not been in one of these before. I have been in a relationship for 10 years and have been married for the last 3 years due to abuse from my family since I was little. I was beat up when I was 17 when I was 22 weeks pregnant by my family. I feel that I am being blamed for this by my husband and I am now being called fat every day; go and lose weight; you’re ugly. It’s making me feel I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I don’t know what to do as I feel really down. I tried to commit suicide the other day when he went out but he came home earlier than expected. I am so sick of him and the abuse I get from him. I don’t know what to do as I am only 24.
Kassandra, Please know that even though others have been treating you as if you have no value, that is not true. God loves you and you are of GREAT worth. I hope you will talk to someone who can help you to realize this. It’s difficult in this type of forum to “talk” with you much, but I highly encourage you to visit another web site, where the founder is based in the United Kingdom. I believe you would find some type of help there to sort all of this out by going to the web site found at http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk and contacting them. I encourage you to do so. You have some very important decisions to make in the days and weeks ahead and suicide is not one of the options you should consider. Please reach out to the ministry of Hidden Hurt. I pray for you and for them –that you will find the help you need. My prayers and concern are with you.
Hey! No man is worth you taken your life. Put your faith in God and get out.
(USA) Hello, I don’t know what to do anymore… my husband keeps calling me every name in the book and now he is lately starting to call names my dead mother that he has never met … It’s just never ending. Does anyone else have the problem with their husbands calling them their dead mom and dad names? This is just breaking in me inside.
You would say why don’t you leave? The thing is that I’m new in USA and I have no one and no where to go. I feel like I’m trapped. He never treated me like this in my country. He even takes his anger out on our dog. Instead of hitting me he hurts my dog. He knows I love my dog to death. What am I to do? Is this ever going to end?
Dear “New to the US” -We have women’s shelters in the US where you can go and receive the assistance that you need to either return home or live apart from your abusive mate. I was alarmed when I read that he is taking his frustrations out on your dog and you should be alarmed too. The dog is quite helpless to defend itself so his crime is much worse than if he were trying to physically abuse you. It tells me he has no conscience or control and I fear it won’t be long before he starts to enjoy beating you or worse.
Please call 911 and tell the operator that you need to be escorted to the nearest women’s shelter that will allow you to take your pet with you. I believe most accommodate pets and children. When you’re there ask to be connected to legal services. They will ensure that your mate does not retaliate against you or the dog for leaving. Seek immediate counseling because he will surely try to lure you back with promises he will break and apologies he doesn’t mean. Run while you can.