Fighting Fair with Your Spouse

Do you and your spouse fight? And when you do argue (notice we said when and not if), are you fighting fair with each other?

Almost every couple fights with each other—that’s a given. Eventually our differences come to the surface and demand that we deal with them. And if we don’t, then they’ll take us to an unhealthy place in our relationship. However, as Linda and Charlie Bloom say, “Arguments can’t be avoided, but destructive ones can.”

We’ve found that to be so true. There’s no doubt that we DO need to work on our differences. But we should do it in a way, so we marry our differences and have them work for us, rather than against us. But the issue here is HOW to deal with them? If your differing stances get you to a place where you’re arguing about them, are you fighting fair (at least as “fair” as it’s possible)? That’s especially important because:

“How you argue —especially how you end an argument —can determine the long-term success or failure of your relationship. A primary requirement for all fights is to maintain control. You don’t have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you’re entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings in a constructive way.” (Dr Phil McGraw)

We agree. So, to help you “give a reasonable voice” to that, which you feel is important to express to your spouse, we’re giving practical tips in this Marriage Insight. They were given on the Dr Phil (television) Show a number of years ago, which was titled, “Fighting Fair”. They are very simple, yet sensible.

So, here’s a shortened version of Dr. Phil’s specific rules for How to Fight Fair.

Fighting Fair:

• Take it private and keep it private.

• Keep it relevant. Don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries down around the subject matter so a fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all.

• Keep it real. Deal with what really is at issue, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what’s bothering you, or you’ll come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

• Avoid character assassination. Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don’t let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

• Remain task oriented. Know what you want going into the disagreement.

• Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial.

• Be proportional in your intensity. Every single thing you disagree about isn’t an earth-shattering event or issue.

• There’s a time limit. Arguments should be temporary. So don’t let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely.

(If you want an expanded version, you’ll need to visit his web site through the linked title above.)

In every differing situation,

It’s important for us to remember:

We all bring different perspectives and biases to how we react to marital conflict. There is not necessarily any one right way to handle and resolve conflict. But, be assured that there are some mindsets, behaviors and attitudes you should avoid in this area of your marriage. (Matthew D. Turvey)

That’s what we’ve found to be true, as well. Something we believe with all our hearts is that a marriage license does not give us permission to be mean and nasty towards your spouse. Nor does it give us license to be short and impatient with him or her. You can confront with the truth but do it in a way that is respectful.

One way that Steve and I do this is that we do not let ourselves raise our voices at each other. We’ve found that yelling can take us to a slippery slope where our arguments can more easily escalate into unhealthy directions. So, when one of us starts to raise our voice, the other responds immediately, saying, “You’re starting to yell; I’m listening so you don’t need to yell.”

And sure, the first reaction of the yeller is to justify our tone by saying, “Well, that’s because I’m so mad about this!” But that can be an excuse. We’re told in the Bible to “be mature.” So, we determined together that, “Mature” anger does not include yelling. It’s a no-go place for us. (And we encourage you to set the same standard.) We can still say the same thing without yelling. Too often, yelling leads to screaming, which can lead to other hostile actions. As Sheila Wray Gregoire suggests,

“Just say, ‘I would appreciate a different tone of voice’, or ‘I feel insulted when you talk to me that way,’ or ‘Can you ask me that in a different way?'”

Other Fighting Fair Tips:

Also, here’s a wise tip from Michael Smalley (that we apply to our marriage): “Don’t confront your spouse when you’re stressed out. [We call that a H.A.L.T. Time. That’s when either of you is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.] Learn to identify your body’s own natural signs when you’re getting stressed out, overloaded, or about to shut down. But never walk out without agreeing to take a break. It’s okay to temporally stop when a solution is unclear. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off.” (See: Ephesians 4:26; Proverbs 11:14.)

And then, here’s a great tip a friend told us about years ago that we still keep in mind. In the long run, does this issue really matter? Choose your battles. He told us that when a disagreement starts to get heated, he tries to consider whether that issue will even matter a year from now or 5 years from now. If it won’t, then it might be wise not to go there. He, and we have avoided a lot of arguments using that principle. When applicable, we just agree to disagree and move on. As we’re told in Proverbs 17:14: “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” Sometimes it’s best not to argue about it.

In addition:

“Know when to drop an issue. Too many couples argue an issue to death. They engage in power struggles when it’s best to simply agree to disagree or honor the validity of the others position. No one needs to be ‘right’ and certainly no one needs to be proved ‘wrong.’ Let the matter go and learn to live in harmony.” (Dr David B Hawkins)

Finally:

Here’s an insightful tip that we wish we would have known to apply earlier in our marriage. Paul Byerly writes:

“When we were first married and were having a lot of stressful interactions, we put a love seat in our bedroom and did all heavy talking there. When we moved to the bed, we were done, no more arguing, discussing, probing questions or hard thinking. This helped us a great deal. I think another room is even better, but if you can’t manage that, try a love seat or a couple of chairs.”

It all comes down to this:

“If there is anything that all marriages have in common, it is conflict… It is how you handle these conflicts when they arise that matters.” (Belinda Elliot)

Above all, we encourage you to consider the following scripture as it applies to fighting fair:

“The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.“ (Proverbs 12:15)

“The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge. The ears of the wise seek it out.“ (Proverbs 18:15)

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.“(Proverbs 19:20)

May God Bless your marriage!
Cindy and Steve Wright

— ADDITIONALLY —

To help you grow further, we give a lot of personal stories, humor, and more practical tips in our book, 7 ESSENTIALS to Grow Your Marriage. We hope you will pick up a copy for yourself. (It’s available both electronically and in print form.) Plus, it can make a great gift for someone else. It gives you the opportunity to help them grow their marriage. And who doesn’t need that? Just click on the linked title or the picture below:

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