Finding “The One” You Are to Marry

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Loving Jesus must be your number one priority in life if you’re going to become the kind of person God wants you to become and be able to give and receive love in your marriage the way you should. So reach out to Jesus with all of your heart, devoting the best of your time and energy to pursuing a closer relationship with Him. Place your relationship with Jesus at the center of your life and revolve everything else around it.

Find your “two.” If you’re not yet married and are looking for a spouse, search for a spouse carefully, in ways that honor God. Don’t even consider marrying someone who’s not a Christian because you can’t ever truly be compatible with someone who doesn’t share your spiritual connect with Jesus, and marrying a non-Christian can only bring misery into your life that will grow.

Beyond choosing a person who’s a Christian, you should also look for someone who shares common interests with you, whose personality fits well with yours, and to whom you’re physically attracted. Don’t rush the process, and don’t settle for less than God’s best for you simply to marry by a certain time.

Move a relationship with a potential spouse through first gear. In first gear, when your relationship with a potential future spouse is just beginning, work to get to know each other well and build a strong foundation of friendship. Rather than spending time alone, try to spend most of your time together with groups of people. If your discover that you’re not interested in taking the relationship to the next gear, then don’t lead the other person on; be honest about how you feel to avoid hurting that person more deeply later on.

Move a relationship with a potential spouse through second gear. In second gear, as you sense God blessing your friendship, you can spend more time alone together. But continue to guard your heart, and avoid discussing marriage at this point. However, ask yourself questions like:

“Is this person becoming more like Christ?”
“Does this person have a strong and growing character?”
“Does this person have the right kind of friends?”
“Is this person responsible —financially, relationally, emotionally, intellectually?”
“Is our attraction increasing?”
“Are we helping each other grow closer to God, rather than drawing each other away from Him?”

If the person you’re dating isn’t helping you move closer to God or isn’t right for you, break up with him or her as soon as you know.

Move a relationship with a potential spouse through third gear. In third gear, you should discuss the possibility of getting married and explore it with the help of prayer, advice from mentors, getting to know each other’s families, and talking openly about how each of you have been both hurt and helped in life and what dreams each of you are hoping will come true in your lives. Don’t hesitate to break up if God isn’t clearly leading the two of you to get married; it’s better to end the relationship (and grieve and heal) before making a lifetime commitment than to marry when you know you shouldn’t.

Move into fourth gear: engagement. If it’s clear to you both that marriage is where God is leading your relationship, then set a wedding date. But use the time during your engagement to plan your marriage —not just your wedding. Participate in premarital counseling, and discuss issues about which you’ll have to make decisions about together in married life, like: career choices, where you’ll live once you’re married, how you’ll share and manage your finances, your philosophy for bearing and raising children, which church you’ll be a part of together, and how you plan to grow spiritually together.

Continue to protect your sexual purity during your entire engagement until you’re actually married, so you can enjoy God’s best during your marriage. The fifth gear is marriage itself!

Pursue sexual purity. Keep in mind that you can’t have premarital sex without consequences (physical, emotional, and spiritual), so your future marriage will be affected in significant ways if you and your future spouse have sex before your wedding. Realize that you can’t have premarital sex without intimacy, either, since God designed sex to develop intimacy between people, so if you end up breaking up with the person you had sex with it, the breakup will hurt badly.

Ask God to help you make and keep a commitment to abstain from sexual behavior of any kind until your wedding night. You’ll gain many benefits if you do, including trust between you and your spouse (if you compromise sexually before marriage, you may compromise after marriage by having affairs) and an exciting sex life (that you’ll never have to compare to the thrill of dangerous sex before marriage and are free to build with real intimacy between you). Set clear boundaries of behavior in your relationship to guard your sexual purity (such as no sleepovers) and ask some trusted friends to hold you both accountable to respect those boundaries.

Identify sins and wounds and pursue repentance and healing. Both you and the person you’re considering marrying need to confess sins to God regularly, repent of them, and accept God’s forgiveness and strength to make better decisions. You all should also talk honestly with God and each other about the emotional wounds you’ve suffered in life, and seek God’s healing for them, perhaps through Christian counseling. This will help you both begin married life as healthy as possible.

Keep passion alive after you’re married. Every new day that God gives you and your spouse during your marriage, pursue each other like you did when you were dating, seeking to learn something new about each other, and nurture the passion and deepen the intimacy between you. Don’t keep sins or secrets from each other; confess them to each other and pray for each other regularly.

Submit to God together. Rather than trying to convince each other to make decisions that either you want or that your spouse wants, commit to seeking God’s will together regularly and basing your decisions on the guidance He gives you. Learn how to pray together, listen carefully to each other and to God, and work through conflicts with love and respect.

This article is adapted from the book, Love, Sex, and Happily Ever After: Preparing for a Marriage That Goes the Distance, written by Craig Groeschel, published by WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing. “Craig Groeschel’s practical book should be a mandatory read for anyone who wants to be happily married someday. It is a rare author who can lead you into some very challenging places and have you laughing out loud while he does it” -Shaunti Feldhahn, nationally syndicated columnist and best-selling author of For Women Only.

— ALSO —

An additional article you might find helpful to read is found on the Boundless.org web site:

DOES GOD “BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER?”

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10 responses to “Finding “The One” You Are to Marry

  1. (TANZANIA STUDYING IN BELGIUM)  Thanks very much for such a wonderful article. GOD BLESS YOU. I was saved in 2008 (when I was 25 yrs old). It is exactly 4 years now and I am 29 years old. I thank God since that I stopped every physical sexual relationship with men. Since then, God has protected me, though it was a constant fight with my mind and emotions; past memories were always coming. I was praying and confessing against them with the word of God. Most of the time I had to repent because I was feeling so defiled with those sinful thoughts and emotions. I thank Jesus everyday that I am strengthened. He has lifted me up to another level daily.

    I am still trusting God for the right life parterner. I have been passing through a lot of trials in that area. Men would come from my past or new, pretending they are changed or they are ready to change. I thank Jesus for keeping my stand on ‘NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE.’ It has been very helpful to chase away men who wanted to take advantage of me, pretending they want to marry me.

    It has not been easy, but I have decided to stand on that, though people are laughing at me (others have dropped their faith so as to get married) saying that I am too strict, too choosy and I am getting older. I have a strong confidence in Jesus Hebrews 10:23; Romans 8:32. Also as it is written in Hebrews 10:35-36, I have decided to let His will prevail over my desire, timing, shame or my age. I am very sure there is a great glory ahead of me and He will never put me to shame. He can not allow the trials beyond my ability to withstand. This is my year of great glory (Isaiah 60; Colossians 1:27). STAY BLESSED, Sister Faith

    1. (INDIA) Hi. Yes, it’s true. Do not indulge in anything. Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and should be kept pure. So just hang on wait and GOD will give. I am 31 waiting and still hoping for GOD to provide so you can too. Trust him will all your heart, fast and pray, shun all evil and temptations, which come from Satan who just does not want you to be happy or married. Cling to Jesus. He will give peace. Jeremiah 29 says I have plan… a plan for you. So He has plan, my friend. God bless.

    2. I can assure you that you are a very brave person who loves and believes in Jesus. I really appreciate your comments since it also encourages me in this type of situation such as avoiding sex before marriage. Your quotes you in the Bible are very encouraging to me.

  2. (EUROPE)  I was engaged to a very nice man, but we were not compatible in certain areas. He respected me greatly and didn’t pull any fast ones. But the Holy Spirit was telling me “don’t’ do it”. So I called it off about a month before leaving Europe to marry this gentleman. I felt so bad for him. He has since married and I am very happy for him. I was able to pull away from the engagement because we had been pure in our relationship -thankfully. I have no regrets in that area.

    A pastor said to me that as I honoured God, God will honour this decision. As I get older (44), I realise that it is better to be happy for a year than 25 years of being in an unhappy marriage. It has been hard to be single. But as I get older I can manage it so much better and am thankful to God that I am not in the wrong marriage. God has kept me in food, clothing, shelter, a good job -he is the ULTIMATE husband, really he is. A woman’s best friend!

    I am currently getting more friendly with a long-time friend of the same age who has been asking me some unusual questions! I suspect he is ‘testing’ the water, but I have not raised this with him. If he is ‘the one’ then he would be the best person ever for me! God is so good. Faith in God is the only sure thing in this wicked age we are currently living in.

    1. (USA) Hi, As I was reading I saw your post. Thanks. It encouraged me. I am 31 and yes I am waiting for marriage and hoping for the right marriage with the right guy whom GOD appoints. I too do not want to end up with wrong person. This waiting is too hard and the Devil often mocks and scorns and make fun of this but I know my JESUS cares. He was there always in all step and I know I will get a nice man when JESUS has decided. GOD bless you. Continue in faith. This life is but a mere breath. Your reward will be in heaven… Regards, PP

  3. (NIGERIA) I am very happy for you two. There is nothing as good as keeping ourselves pure for the Lord. Sex before marriage erodes us of trust for ourselves and later causes problem in the future. I know (from experience) that God has a plan for every one of us and that plan includes marriage, a peaceful enjoyable one too. I had some delay in getting married too but I kept waiting for God shunning all temptations. I am happily married with a son in the very first year of our marriage and I cannot but look back with appreciation to God. Keep the flag flying!

  4. (USA) Hello. I’m a 36 y/old single parent and I chose to do everything wrong from day one when it came to men. And, of course, it has lead me to a point of making bad choices, getting my heart broken, depression and almost nearly causing me my life. I pray and I pray because there is a strong hold over me when it comes to sex, however once the sin is committed, I get a mental beat down from the devil that leaves me even more stressed.

    I fall for all the WRONG men. I am a good person and/or parent and definitely love the Lord, but I continuously choose to do it over and over again-left to feel used. I need help and prayer..I can’t do it on my own. “A double-minded man shall be unstable in all his ways”, says the Lord, and I feel like the double minded. Any advice for me on how you guys did it and kept to your word and honor. I am truly interested in someone to offer me helpful advice from experience…

    1. I am 32. I have been celibate for over 10 years now. The 1st thing is you change your mind about the decisions and the sexual habit -telling yourself you don’t need a guy to be happy. If you feel you need physical contact go and hug a lady or hold her hands, especially your close friend who is single like you. Avoid places and things that make you feel the need for sex, one of the prayers I prayed was whenever I am feeling a sexual urge, God should give me peace and cause me to sleep. Avoid friends that do not share your values and don’t give any man a place that belongs to a husband. Keep things at friend zone level. May God help you. Tell God how you feel -He cares.

      1. Hello Dee, We all have weaknesses such as sliding into temporary sexual activities to address our sexual urge. Tackle it with commitment to fast & pray for an extended period i.e 30 – 40 days. Take supporting action of building self control & avoid compromising situations. I’ll keep you in my prayers.

  5. GOD BLESS YOU. Please how can I know if she is the one, just simply because she calls me often, is a Christian and a virgin? THANKS.