They talk a lot about using “protection” when you have sexual relations with someone (other than your spouse). But what if you are haunted by thoughts of your past? As someone (unknown) once said,
“There is no condom for the brain or the heart. So when you have sex before marriage you’re playing with fire that will most likely burn you at some point in your life… especially in your marriage relationship.”
And tragically a lot of couples are finding this to be true. How do you erase the memories you have of having sex with someone else? And how do you stop playing “the comparison game” when you are making love with your spouse? Plus, how do you deal with the guilt when you realize that you have violated God’s standards?
When you confess and ask the Lord for forgiveness, “God is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,“ but then there’s the matter of forgiving yourself and moving on in life past it. Premarital sex is sin and sin causes problems.
As Brian and Heather Jamison said:
“Premarital sex wounds the sanctity of a heart and, left untreated, can scar a marriage for a lifetime. We speak from experience; our relationship began with a fall. And we have the scars to prove it.”
Brian and Heather have learned a lot that has helped them to deal with this issue. They share what they learned plus the “Four Keys to Reclaiming Intimacy” in the linked article below. I encourage you to read:
“It’s true, you can’t get your virginity back. You’ll never be the person you once were. You can, however, be stronger and wiser than you were before, and more able to resist what you know is wrong.”
The above statement came from Laurel L. Cornell. She knows only too well, how a person can be haunted with memories after having had sex before marriage. But as she says, you can become wiser than before. You can also be stronger than you ever could imagine at this time.
She wrote an article that is posted on the Marriagetrac.com web site that addresses those who are married and those who are not yet married. It is written to women who want to feel clean again and not plagued by feelings and images of the past they want to forget.
I encourage you to read:
On this same issue, below you will find a link to an article written by Christie Mohamed. Christie is a young gal who gives hope to those who have done things they now regret. Plus, she gives insight into ways to deal with it and experience freedom and forgiveness. Please read:
I know this is a lot to take in, as far as all of the reading I’m recommending you do. But please know that this is a journey you are on. It’s one that is different for everyone who has had to deal with this issue. I’m hoping that as you read you will glean from each article some things that God is speaking to you. I pray that you will gain some “ah hah moments” where you’ll think, “I never thought of that before… that really helps.”
The important thing is that you don’t get stuck in continuing to do that, which you know is wrong. Also, don’t get stuck in regrets. They will paralyze you in ways that will cause you NOT to go backwards in your spiritual growth.
To learn a bit more on this please read:
For those of you who are not married, here is something written by Dr Greg and Michael Smalley. It is posted on the Marriagetrac.com web site and is something that would be helpful to read:
• SEVEN STEPS TO REGAINING AND MAINTAINING VIRGINITY
Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.
If you have additional tips to help others, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
More from Marriage Missions
Filed under: Sex Before Marriage Sexual Issues
Thanks for this article. I’ve just come out of a relationship where I was naive, and was taken advantage of, sexually. The last month I’ve been plagued with memories of our encounters. I have confessed to our amazing God, who I know has forgiven me. I have felt so weak. Your article has given me light and I again come humbly before Jesus confessing these memories.
After reading your article and spending time with the Lord today, laying down the deeds, thoughts and memories of this relationship, with many tears… I look back in thankfulness where the Lord moved to protect me. I’m thankful that this relationship/affair wasn’t consummated (there are reasons, which I won’t divulge).
I know now why the Lord has said to keep the fleshly desires of the heart in check, for they can destroy… He has lead me through a time of grace. The relationship ended with physical bruises, as well as emotional scars… A phrase that has been echoing through my heart “He has traded beauty for ashes.”
I have a big problem and no matter how I try it keeps eating me up. I was a Christian who upheld her Christian values since childhood. In fact I was a good girl and refrained from all sexual immortalities. Then I started dating. I kept it clean from scratch but my boyfriend was really naughty and I started losing my balance since I loved him. I thought it would all be fine but before I could realize it he broke my virginity after my 18th birthday. It was quite by force.
I felt so low and heartbroken disrespecting God. I was scared of what my family and friends would say because I used to talk against sex before marriage; they thought I would even be a nun. I asked God for forgiveness and pretended like nothing had happened till I found myself in his bed again and a couple of times (I know I am stupid and regret it). We broke up 2 yrs later.
I lie to everyone saying I am still a virgin even my previous boyfriend who happened to be as bad as the first. I swear I didn’t mean it to happen but we had sex (I don’t know if he still believed me or not). We broke up later and he said he doesn’t want to get committed, really breaking my heart. It also hurt to see the second person who has had a taste of me go away. I feel so used and so unworthy of God’s love. I can’t get over him but am trying. I have repented so many times but I don’t even believe in myself anymore coz I keep going back.
Right now I am single to at least help me abstain. But please, I need help to tell God how truly sorry I am. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and go back to when I was a virgin and a Christian. I love God and am so sorry. I feel sorry for myself too. What can I offer my future husband now? I can’t even talk to my friends about abstaining coz that would make me a hypocrite since I am not a virgin. I feel useless and I need God to tell me he still loves me and would use me for his works. Help me please.
Kelly, Please know that when we “confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” That’s what God tells us in His word, the Bible. You have confessed with a sincere heart. Now stand upon what He promises and accept His forgiveness. He will not hold this against you. It’s like what Jesus told the woman at the well, “Now go, and sin no more.”
What can you offer your future husband now, you ask? You can offer him your love and devotion and a sincere heart. Please read through the “Sex Before Marriage” topic to learn how to better stay out of the way of temptation. And then when you DO find someone that you are getting serious about, make sure you are honest with him. If he can’t fully trust and honor you, despite your past sin, then he won’t honor you after marriage.
Yes, you gave away a wonderful gift, but you have other wonderful gifts to still give your husband. God accepts, loves, and believes the best in you… so take that gift and hold up your head and know that a man who is worthy of your love, will accept and honor you, as well. I pray the best for you Kelly. I hope also, that you forgive yourself and put boundaries up so you don’t find yourself in the same place again. If a man wants to take this part of you without marrying you first, he is using you for his own selfish motives. Honor God and respect yourself enough not to let this happen again. Save the rest of yourself for your husband. It will be worth it, I assure you.
Hello, I have A question. My boyfriend and I have unfortunately fallen into this struggle. We’re now on a break and keeping distance between us in order to seek after the Lord. We have accountability partners now and decided we need the Lord first and foremost. I’ve heard that it’s best we make this break permanent but is it possible for the Lord to heal and restore a relationship after sin like this? I know in marriage you make an effort to make it work but does it apply here too or should we just give up and move on? This is tough but I’d appreciate some advice.
Jenn, I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this place. The pull of temptation is so very strong and sometimes we can be so weak (as you know). But I’m proud of you that you have woken up and stopped doing what you know you shouldn’t before marrying. You stopped, confessed, prayed, got accountability partners, and are doing what you can to do what is right. Truly, that is commendable.
As far as your relationship with your boyfriend, I don’t know if you should continue on. I don’t know how healthy your relationship is with each other. But the fact that you both are in agreement to stop having sex together shows some real strength of character. It’s more difficult sometimes to stop doing something after you already have. And yet you’re both doing it. I’m proud of you both.
There is no reason for you not to continue dating each other, unless it’s a bad relationship in itself, apart from the temptation you fell into. God forgives us when we ask for Him to do so. He remembers it no more and doesn’t hold it against us, according to the Bible. As Jesus told the woman at the well, “go and sin no more.” And that was that. That’s all He required of her and that’s all He requires of you.
One of the good things is that now that you have stopped “getting to know each other” physically (something that we are blessed to do after marrying, but not before), you can now put your efforts into getting to know each other in different ways, as you should. You need to know how good you are at working through problems together and enjoying life together and such. The fact that you have gotten to this place of stopping each other sexually shows that you have SOME good skills in working together. Decide together if you WANT to continue growing your relationship and finding out more about whether you are good together or not. And if so, please know that God would definitely give His approval –as long as He is put into the center of your relationship, from this day forward.
I pray for you both and wish you well. “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
I am a widowed woman, in love with a man. In the future we wish to marry. Sadly we already have had sexual relations. I am a christian and cannot live with myself. My partner is a non-christian and sees sex as a normal activity before marriage. I would like to hear peoples views on this matter. Kind Regards, Maritza
Oh Maritza, bless your heart! I so grieve with you because I sense the deep pain you are experiencing in all of this. How I wish I could say that you can go forth, with blessing, to marry this man and “live happily ever after.” But deep down, I believe you know that this cannot be so. You are a Christian, which means that you have committed yourself to be a follower of Christ. Can you imagine Jesus giving you His blessing with your involvement with this man, and then blessing you after you marry him, when he isn’t united with you and God in this commitment?
I can see how you can go down this route. Loneliness can lead us places we never thought we would go before. But please don’t allow yourself to believe the lie that because you hurt so badly and want companionship so badly, solutions to do that which you should not, are acceptable. They are not.
I urge you to please break off this relationship. You know deep inside that it is wrong, and as long as you keep growing it, you will grow more and more miserable. You already said, “I cannot live with myself” concerning this matter. What makes you think that if you continue down this road, it will lead to a better one? It won’t. With all the love for you as a Christian sister, I urge you to turn from this relationship, reinvest in your relationship with the Lord (He will forgive you for your sins when you ask Him, and love you back), and look for other healthier ways to curb your loneliness. If you don’t, I’m afraid that you will be even more haunted by the wrongs of this type of life, and will be even more miserable.
I pray for you Maritza –Please know that my heart goes out to you and my prayers go out for you. I pray the Lord helps you, guides you, comforts you, speaks to you, and works in and through you in this situation. I also pray God infuses hope into your heart that you will eventually experience better days –ones that will bring a smile to your heart. “May the Lord direct your heart into God’s love and Christ’s perseverance.” (2 Thessalonians 3:5)
“And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ –to the glory and praise of God.” (Philippians 1:9-11)
Martiza, I really can empathize with you. I’m going through the same thing right now. I’m a born again Christian and trying make my walk with Christ so much better than it is now. My child’s father yes he goes to church but going to church can be so traditional, if you’re going to church “just because”. I really believe he’s going to church because he knows I’m not settling and that I want a man of God.
Well that’s where the problem lies, if we get into a relationship with a man whose not filled with the Holy Spirit we can set ourselves up for real destruction. It’s different if both of you are trying to get close to God and both of you are putting God in the center of the relationship. If not you’ll find yourself unequally yoked. 2 Corinthians 6:14 states being unequally yoked with unbelievers because we will battle with light and darkness.
I feel as though if we wait on our soul mate for who GOD sends us, the guy will complete us. Where you fall short he can pull you up, even if that means praying for each other. That’s key you want to be able to pray with and for each other. You don’t want a relationship where you’re doing all the praying. It states in the Bible the man is the leader; he’s supposed to be able to pray for the family and lead family in prayer.
What if you find yourself on your death bed and you need someone to pray for you? Hopefully it would be your husband but if he can’t that’s a problem. Don’t ever feel guilty for falling into sexual sin. It will cause more guilt and strain on your life. Call out to our Lord and Savior and ask for forgiveness. Whatever we have done even if it was 5 minutes ago. Once we ask for forgiveness it’s done in Jesus name. He loves us so much, there’s no buts or what ifs. And he’ll not bring it back up; it’s forgiven and forgotten!
I used to have sex and feel sooo bad about it. Us women need to realize that we’re find China and not some paper plates that guys can use and throw away. We’re daughters of the most High. And God doesn’t want to see us hurt or cry.
My prayer to you is that you ask for forgiveness and let it go as well as that relationship. I know you probably hear it from God but as humans we tend to want to close our ears and do “our own thing” rather than “God thing”. But His thing will bring joy, peace and blessings in the overflow if we remain pure and obedient to His word.
Like any other girl, I was a commited prayerful woman. I love God and have been shaped by his standards. I hated sin and everything with it. It’s until then in my 26 years, I kept my virginity, I told myself. This is the only gift I will give my husband the day he will marry me.
Little that I know. I met this guy who loves me, and wants to marry me. He goes to church but the only problem with him is fornication to him is not a sin because he’s sleeping with whoever he calls his, but adultery to him is a sin. I kept teaching him, especially in presexual sin, but all was in vain.
Yes, I love him but unfortunately we found ourselves having sex together. After that I cried deep because I brought shame to God. I found myself worthless, full of guilt because of what I did. I then asked for forgiveness but my Christian life had become weak. Since we don’t stay in the same city, whenever I go to his city we always end up having sex together, and ask for forgiveness here and there, which I think it’s of no use since we are both weak.
We then agreed to stay completely far away although in a relationship, as for my part I have repented although to him fornication is not a sin as long as he is doing it to the person he is going to marry, something that I still have a fear of that that we might again find ourselves doing it the day we are going to meet since he has power to do so.
One more concern I have is I know very well that this guy truly loves me, and I love him equally. Our relationship is at peace. We pray and fast together, apart from him getting a wrong concept of fornication. Yes, we’re planning to get married but then I’m left with two decisions, should I leave him because of his fornication and wait until it is the right time for marriage? I’m not sure how his reaction will be to this though, or should I stay in a relationship and live far away from each other as agreed?
One more thing that is worrying me is my virginity I gave him. If I marry a different person, I’m not sure if I will enjoy him sexually as I might just keep on comparing him. Since I gave him this gift, I think I’ll be more ashamed and full of guilty on the day of my wedding if I am to marry a different person apart from him.
But my question is, even after repentance and we happen to marry each other, will God forgive us for having sex before marriage? Will we enjoy our marriage? Will our marriage be blessed? I want to live a pleasing life to God.
Gina, As I read your comment, I feel so moved to write to you. You are right in saying that we can’t take back past mistakes. What we did, we did. But that doesn’t mean we have to continually carry the pain of it all, when we give it to God in honest confession, and lean upon changing our behavior in the future. Please reread through this article, and all of the linked articles within it, and prayerfully glean through, take in, and apply what you believe God wants to say to you. I sense that God is waiting to give you mercy and grace if you will embrace His gift to you.
As for your relationship with this guy, I can’t tell you if you should break up with him or not. I don’t know him. But please don’t marry him if you have ANY thoughts that would make you think that he would not be faithful to you, if you married. And please don’t marry him if you think that you should because you had sex with him. Yes, you shouldn’t have given him this gift, but that doesn’t seal your fate, as far as marrying him. ONLY marry him, if you believe you would both be good marriage partners, committed to God and to each other –working through whatever obstacles come your way… facing and dealing with them instead of letting them come between you.
As for God forgiving you… of course He will. We’re told that throughout the Bible that when we come to Him, He forgives us. He also can bring redemption out of the ashes of what is left behind. You can see that in Christie Mohamed’s testimony (linked to this article), where she has been able to help others deal with this issue.
Also, please don’t keep looking into the future as far as carrying the memories of what you have done into marriage, either with this guy or another (if you break up with this guy and marry another in the future). Lean into God to carry your memories, and to help you if this is ever the case. I’ve had a tough past, where I have some memories that have haunted me. But I can tell you that God has faithfully helped me to leave the past behind, as the past, and instead enjoy what God has blessed me with today. As I have leaned into Him, praying and committing it all to the Lord, I am no longer haunted. I believe the same can be true for you.
So don’t borrow tomorrow’s problems, and carry them into today. Deal what is in front of you today… figuring out if you and this guy should keep seeing each other. And if you do, you need to figure out how you will stay out of the grab of temptation. Something that may help you is if you go into the web site at http://www.boundless.org. “Boundless is a community for Christian young adults who want to grow up, own their faith, date with purpose, and prepare for marriage and family.” I believe you will find additional answers to some of your questions. After going through the linked articles within this one, if you go to the Boundless web site and go into the “Relationships” topic and then into “Sexuality” within it. You will find a number of articles dealing with forgiving yourself, putting up boundaries sexually before marriage and such. Please prayerfully glean through the articles that the Holy Spirit shows you. Read them and apply whatever God shows you to do. I’m sure this will help you now and in the future. I pray it will as you lean upon our loving, forgiving, merciful, gracious God. May God bless you, Gina, in this quest to live, as He would have you.
Wow, Amen, thank you so much for your good advice Cindy. God bless you.
I often think of myself as the woman at the well. I have been married twice (to Christians) as well as spending 11 yeas with a Christian man who refused to marry me but who lived with me. Two years ago I left him because I was unable to stand being in such a sinful, uncommitted relationship.
I went to work in a different country. I met a lovely guy who was a pillar of the church and who treated me like a princess. His family would not agree to us being married so we had a secret marriage ceremony. I became pregnant but lost the child. He has since decided he cannot be my husband and says that our marriage was a fantasy. He says he’s ashamed of our sexual relationship and I feel like dirt. I am a broken woman who will never trust another Christian man. I see my non Christian friends with good husbands and happy families having fun and I wonder if there are any good men left.
I’m sad for you Elizabeth, that this has been your experience. Yes, there are good men left, they just may not be visible to you right now, for some reason only God knows… but they are there. Please don’t allow the hurt that a few men, who aren’t as good behind closed doors as they appear to be, sour you to think that all men are that way. That is a false illusion.
And please be careful about thinking that non-Christian men are better choices to make and embrace, just because of the bad behavior of a few dishonorable men who claim to be Christians. You are treading upon dangerous thought patterns. We’re told not to be unequally yoked. If God says no, then don’t let other appearances tempt you. You have no idea what goes on behind THEIR closed doors. I know of many marriages that appear great on the outside –with everyone thinking they are happy and healthy in their lives together, and it is anything but good. Again, be careful.
Live your life for God as you should… without living with anyone –not giving of yourself, something you should only give your husband. Put your eyes upon Christ, and see where HE takes you. Make Him first, and God will lead you to the right people to be involved with. I hope and pray you will.
I feel overwhelmed as I read each persons story. Then again I feel open enough to explain mine…I don’t feel alone. I was celibate for close to two years and met a guy. We stayed friends for 7 months enjoying our pure relationship. We did not hang out during this time and we were both strong on staying committed to God.
I stood strong on staying pure before marriage but we ended up having sex… a few times in two months. I feel HORRIBLE and nasty and shameful. I vowed to not have sex. I regret the times. Even when I stood on it and repented somehow I fell back into sexual impurity. The last time it broke me bad I felt as if I was going to hell right then and there. I didn’t want to engage in this act but I felt as if I couldn’t tell him no. I was angry and upset.
I played God. I heared the gospel and STILL ended up fornicating right in God’s face. My thoughts are roaming with evil things because I feel like I have opened a door (which I have) for the devil to creep in. I am constantly paranoid, asking for forgiveness but I feel like God’s ears are closed to my prayers because I’m a sinner. I’m not saved. I can’t even utter those words because the Bible clearly says when we have His spirit we hate sin and to flee from it. It’s as if I was celibate because I was single not because of my covenant with God. I need to get delivered and healed from All things that are hindering me from God. I’m ashamed.
How can I be used for God’s glory knowing that I heard the gospel and still fornicated? It’s constantly on my mind I don’t feel worthy of his love. I feel wicked and corrupted. The Bible verse that states *people will be lovers of self, lust etc* plays in my mind, as well as others.
The guy is great; he feels bad as well and we both got on our knees to ask for forgiveness but I don’t feel like I’m totally forgiven. This has been a struggle for me, which is why I remained celibate but now I feel like our relationship is ruined. I told him I need some time. We love other and plan on getting married but I want to make sure we’re delievered from ALL ungodly things… I want to stay away from him and only speak on the phone or see each other when we attend services at church. I need to be completely transformed by God. I just want to be at the alter right now crying and begging for God’s mercy… I need help….
Oh girl, my heart goes out to you. You said it yourself. You don’t feel fully forgiven. But God doesn’t half forgive. When you repent to him he forgets your sin, you’re washed clean from it. The devil IS condemning you. Don’t let him. Take your conviction from this. I know you don’t feel like you deserve it. It’s only because of your love for God and all things good, you know how holy he is, so you want to please him. Don’t let your own expectations be higher than God’s.
Don’t place yourself above God, if he says you are forgiven… then every time you feel guilty you tell Satan no and you remind yourself you’re forgiven and you’re not doing anything wrong. You DID but you repented for it already. When guilt comes back it’s the enemy. Let yourself be transformed. You’re not worthless now, you’re made clean again. This is the wonderful gift of grace he has given us!!! It doesn’t give you a license to sin, but God knows your heart; he says you’re forgiven so who are you going to believe, God or the devil? There’s no shame in Christ, there’s no one better than the other.
Believe me, I know what sexual impurity feels like, I’ve been through a lot of incidents in my own past, and even though your heart is broken, remember how much he loves you. Just have FAITH that he’s walking you through this and he will never leave nor forsake you. He never changes. No matter what our soulish worldy emotions try and put on us… Pray your heart out to him day and night; fast if you must, never lose your faith. God bless you and your friend in Jesus name!!!
Hello, My Name is Natalie and I’m 19 years old. I came on this Website because I feel so guilty. Looking on so Many websites for help. I’m a very insecure person even though no one actually notices.
In the past three years I was involved with so many guys. It’s embarrassing to even think of the number. I wasn’t in a relationship with even one of them. I thought if I had sex with guys they would eventually love and marry me. What a silly thing to think but I was fantasizing with this idea. No one ever told me it was a sin to get involved sexually before marriage. It seemed like every one was having it except for me and I felt like I didn’t belong like something was wrong with me.
I ended up getting drunk almost every weekend, kissing thousands of different guys and the desire to have sex was growing. Then I fell in love with this guy who didn’t believe in Christ and we ended up doing sexual things. I made him my god and everything he did was just perfect in my eyes. Then he broke up with me and I felt so alone, crying myself to sleep every night. I thought God wanted to hurt me because I thought he was the love of my life.
One year after, he came back into my life. I did everything to get him back. He made it seem like he was in for the same but ended up having a girlfriend one week after we met. I was so hurt one week after I had sex for the first time with a random guy because I thought this would heal me, so I had sex with him. But it felt so wrong. I thought that it felt wrong because I was still in love with the other guy but it felt wrong because it was against God. I am so sorry.
After that I met a couple of guys who I thought I was in love with because they were telling me I was beautiful. I had sex with them. I thought this was what people do when they’re in love, and it hurt me even more. I haven’t told anyone about my feelings. I was playing cool all the time as if it was just cool to have sex right away and not feel anything. It hurt my relationship with God so much.
I can’t forgive myself and the feelings of guilt keeps rising up every day. I feel guilt and hate for the things I’ve done. I think about the situations I’ve been in and how I should have reacted, that I shouldn’t have been so weak, how awful I feel and why I did these things. It haunts me. I just want to tell my story because I feel like I don’t deserve God’s grace, like I am the ugliest person on earth for having sex before marriage with random guys with whom I didn’t want to have any kind of sexual interaction in the first place.
I feel like no one gets me. I hope that someone will answer and help me. I was looking for help in guys when I should have looked for Jesus. I love him so much HE is my savior. I don’t know how to stop punishing myself.
Dearest Natalie, How sad I am for you that you gave away that, which you know is valuable. You and I both know that what you gave was of more worth than you realized, and so does God. But please know that God does not condemn us eternally if we come to Him, asking for mercy and forgiveness. If you read your Bible, you can see that stated repeatedly. Here is a link to something we have posted on our web site, which points out some of those scriptures (some deal with forgiving others, and some deal with accepting forgiveness): http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/bible-verses-on-bitterness-and-forgiveness/. If you confess your sin “God is faithful and just and will forgive” you. Please know that.
The problem is that WE often can’t wrap our minds around that fact. We have a tendency to hold onto unforgiveness (of ourselves and others) so we project this same concept upon God. He IS forgiving, if we come to Him with a repentant heart. He usually won’t erase the consequences of our sin, but He won’t hold it against us. You will have to deal with the memories you have created. Eventually, as you keep giving them to God (surprisingly, He is willing to take them), they will lose their grip on you and won’t be as poisonous. I can attest to that from personal experience. Thank God, that is true!
Another problem you have going for you is that you are listening to the lies of the enemy of our faith. You need to rightly discern the difference between what God tells you and what the enemy tells you and would like for you to believe. Remember the enemy wants you to live in continual defeat; God’s goals are the opposite. Please carefully go through the following article (maybe many times over) to get a better idea about how clever the enemy is, and how you can go down a road condemning yourself more than you should, even though God has forgiven you: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/discerning-the-difference-between-the-conviction-of-the-holy-spirit-and-condemnation-of-the-enemy/. Also, read the linked articles below it to get an even clearer picture of the mercy God is offering you.
Natalie, of course, it would have been better if you hadn’t done what you did. But God offers mercy, when you come to Him, tell Him you are sorry –truly meaning it, and then stopping the bad behavior from happening in the future. Please don’t buy the lie that it’s okay because “everybody else is doing it.” Everybody else was doing it in Noah’s day, but that didn’t mean that God condoned it… just the opposite, as we can tell from the flood, and yet the mercy God gave Noah and his family when they decided it would be better to be condemned by people, rather than from God.
I feel for you. I live with regrets of my own from my past. Regrets play upon our minds in horrible ways. But we can’t give those regrets the power to hurt us from living good lives in the future. If God doesn’t condemn you any further after you confessed to Him in earnestness, then you need to ease up on yourself. Learn the lessons you can from it all and then use God’s mercy to propel you to live a good and pleasing life dedicated to the Lord in the future. You CAN get past this. You CAN have a good life ahead of it. And God can redeem this in some way in the future. Who knows? Perhaps you will help another young gal in the future, to help her turn away from going in a bad direction.
Heather Jamison, who co-authored the first article linked in this one, is a good example. She and her husband are now missionaries in Kenya. She did things she’s very ashamed of (I know of many others who have also done this) and yet she eventually got back up, confessed her sin, accepted God’s forgiveness, and is now helping others. Some go into full time Christian work, and others live their Christianity while working in other areas of life. Just think of all who would have lost out if Heather kept believing the enemy that she needed to keep punishing and re-punishing herself –living an on-going defeated life. I’m in the same boat. I determined not to allow my regrets to eat up the good that could come about as I put my hand into God’s, and walk the path that God would have for me. Think of the Apostle Paul… you talk about regrets that could have kept him crippled emotionally for life! Please Natalie, cry out to God, confess your regrets, and then accept His forgiveness, and His leading for your future. God has a wonderful plan for you as you live for Him. I hope you will, and pray for you that you will have the strength to do so.
I did a lot of selfish sexual things that I know were wrong. I haven’t had sex in 7 months. It seems like forever. I feel guilty because I think of having sex with a certain guy, someone I loved that God does not want me with, and not only am I getting over the heartbreak of not being able to be with this person, I think back from time to time on the second we had and I don’t always immediately push it out. I wonder what is wrong with me…how can I lust over an act that I know God did not approve of? How can I still desire for a man that God doesn’t want for me? How do I stop having selfish desire for these things?
It’s really messing with my mind. When does it go away? I did a lot of bad things sexually that I know God forgave, but I just feel like I can’t even hardly be touched, like …I can hug people at church, and my daughter. But even sometimes with her, if I have an impure thought I don’t want her to touch me. I feel so filthy and disgusting and I don’t understand how I’m so easily sexually turned on by things and thoughts of this man. It makes me really angry. Someone please, tell me if you understand me.
I’ve been a Christian for five years, having converted from Buddhism. Last year, I met a guy while I traveling overseas who said he liked me and gave me a bunch of red roses. This gave me the impression that he was interested in getting to know me as a person. He became affectionate with me, and to cut it short, we ending up sleeping together. Prior to this, I was a virgin.
I was desiring marriage at the time and I hadn’t been having success with finding a Christian guy who I’m attracted to and who would be suitable for marriage. I continued on with the relationship with this guy as I didn’t want to go through the heartbreak of separation. When he asked me when I was returning to his home city, I had the impression he was really serious about me, so I did. He told me that he wanted to marry me, that he was a doctor, was interested in travel and he promised he would visit my home country. Most of the times we met though, it was about sex.
However, I was noticing the inconsistencies between his words and actions. I noticed that I was initiating contact with him and saying that I loved him, and when I did all he would say is that he loved me and that he missed me, but never showed interest in getting to know me as a person, and rarely made the effort to contact me while I was traveling. After a few months, I stopped initiating contact and he never called me in the few months before making the call to end this relationship. I realised I had been deceived and that he was only interested in me for sex. When I confronted him about it, he was in denial and there he goes again telling me he loved me. I told him this relationship is finished and ended all contact with him.
I totally regret ever giving my virginity away to this guy, and have been feeling guilty about it. It has also made me more reluctant to marry, due to fear of being used for sex, concern about my husband leaving me for another woman, fear of being controlled etc. I tell my story to warn others that people can deceive just to have their selfish desires met.
Ann, There are good and bad people in this world and if you go on thinking everyone is going to hurt you… then you aren’t going to live the life you should. Will you get hurt again? Most likely yes. But there will be many things that put a smile on your face, made you a better person or even made someone else better because you opened up.
I wandered on this site out of desperation. I am 27 years old, grew up knowing and trusting God- and I still DO know and trust God… I love him, and I believe his word. I have always believed in saving my virginity for marriage. I am well-versed in the consequences of premarital sex, both physical and emotional. I know that sex outside of marriage offends God, a God that I want to honor with my life and my body. I am connected to my local church, my friends are growing, committed Christians. I literally have no excuse for what I have done… Other than that I am wicked. My heart is black.
I met and fell in love with a man from my church. He cares for me and is committed to me, and respects me. We have been working through aspects of our relationship, and he has struggled with doubts in his faith that have been painful and confusing for me to know how to handle. Do I break up with someone who’s working through doubt? Or do I stick it out until they reach a decision? God has acted in his life, and it has been amazing to see his faith grow. He has become more connected with godly men in our church.
However, fairly early on in our relationship we began to struggle with our sexual boundaries. He had become a Christian later in life and had had sexual experiences before including intercourse, that he regretted and did not want to repeat. I had had some equally regrettable sexual experiences with a former boyfriend, but I was still a virgin and mostly sexually inexperienced. But the desire was there- he made me feel so safe, so loved, so beautiful. And for him, the temptation was strong. We tried going to married Christian friends for accountability. He tried meeting with a young pastor for accountability. We regularly confessed our sin to God and repented. Set up new strategies.
We would succeed sometimes, we would go some time without sinning… but it still progressed until we had done pretty much everything except sex itself. He insisted he would not take my virginity. He did not that want that for me, did not want that for himself, and knew that it was wrong. I knew that too, but I also didn’t like feeling that he was holding back from me, and felt the curiosity of what it was I was missing… Selfish and sad.
One night when we had too much too drink, we gave in- so briefly and so short I hardly knew what happened. The next day, after crying and repenting… I went after it again. Saying that if I had lost my virginity I wanted to at least remember it. So we did it again. He tried to stop it, but I wore him down.
I feel somewhat stunned. I don’t know who I am, or why I would do something I have always known is wrong? We cried together and prayed, and we have decided to meet with our pastor to confess and ask for his advice on our relationship. I’m scared. I am well liked by my pastor and at my church, and I know my reputation will be tainted. I feel some bitterness when I see women in the church who were pursued and married by godly men, who weren’t struggling with doubt- who waited for marriage to have sex- who now are being blessed in life. I wonder why I have waited so long and seen so many friends marry and have not been chosen, why God gave me this hand. I honestly did not just give in and stop caring. I tried time and time again to fight it. But maybe I should have just ended the relationship.
I feel full of shame. I don’t think I can tell anyone- not even my close friends. They would be so disappointed after I have been a Christian for so long… just total lack of self-control on my part. No excuses. I reach out to the Lord and I know that he hears and that he forgives. I feel like Adam and Eve, hiding in the forest from God after they had sinned. And I know that he calls out to me like he did to them… and I know that he sent Jesus to cover their sin and to cover mine.
I am hopeful that meeting with our pastor will end this sin. That if he tells us to end things, we will do it. Or if he tells us to separate for a time, that God will use that. I am most afraid of feeling shut out from the abundant life God calls me to because of my own persistent sin.
Why do I do these things that I know are so wrong, when I know how indebted I am to my Saviour and truly love my Saviour? It seems I have had an appetite for sexual things since I was younger, and have never completely overcome it. Any advice or messages you may have for me would be appreciated.
Elizabeth, There are good and bad people in this world and if you go on thinking everyone is going to hurt you… then you aren’t going to live the life you should. Will you get hurt again? Most likely yes. But there will be many things that put a smile on your face, made you a better person or even made someone else better because you opened up.
Elizabeth, I think if you have these feelings and they aren’t going away then it isn’t wrong. Sex is a part of our biology it is was helps us to procreate. I think you need to determine if this man that you lost your virginity to is worthy of having you again and if the answer is yes, then stay with him and get married.
Hi Elizabeth, how my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are trapped within your own torture chamber within your mind and conscience. I’ve been there earlier in life, so I know how difficult it can be. I’m so sorry you’re there… so, so sorry. As for continuing to date this guy, or to “break up with him” –that’s something YOU need to decide. It doesn’t sound like you’re both helping each other –him with his spiritual questions, and you with wanting to stay pure, as you know God is calling you to do. If you can be helpful to each other, without dragging each other down onto a sinful path, then you may be good for each other. If not, then it may be that at least during this season in both of your lives, you may need to keep some distance.
As for not going further sexually than you should… if you commit to staying in public at all times, then you WILL stay pure. We know of a couple that committed to never being alone together before marriage. The temptation was too strong. So, the most “alone” they ever got was out on the front porch where all the neighbors could see, or in a busy park, where they could still talk privately, but their hands and other parts couldn’t wander where they shouldn’t. Sex is WONDERFUL… but it’s not something we’re supposed to get involved with except with our spouse. Before that, we’re opening a gift that God says to wait for until we’ve made the important fully committed promises to Him and to each other in marriage.
Also, please know that having lustful feelings when you’re single is quite normal. But what you do with them, is entirely different (and difficult). There is a ministry that I recommend you visit regularly. They have an online magazine devoted to singles on a variety of issues. You can find them at http://www.boundless.org. Look around the web site. You may find insights into a lot of the questions and situations you’re dealing with… I truly believe you will.
As for the “women at the church” who you believe are not having the same struggles you are… please know that we all have something that is tough for us, Elizabeth. Yours is singleness right now –not having that someone who is as committed to Christ as you are. For others, it’s marriage, or a wayward child, or abusive parents, or a spouse, etc. Please do what you can not to look longingly at others who aren’t in the same struggle as you are… believe me, they have their own “thorns in their sides” –you just may not see it. A lot of these kinds of problems are ones that they keep silent, just as you’re keeping this quiet. God is perfecting us all in different ways. Keep your eyes on your own path and work on that mission –not the path God has for others.
I greatly encourage you to talk to someone about all of this. You may be right about your friends… I don’t know. But a good place to start may be to contact the ministry of Focus on the Family – Canada, at: http://www.focusonthefamily.ca. If they aren’t the ones to talk to, then they might be able to direct you to someone who could. They have a great contact list. It sounds like you need to bounce some of this off of someone who is wise and godly so you can make better decisions in the future.I hope you will. I pray the best for you, and that God will lead you to a place of peace in your heart (despite the uncertainty of situations in your life), and wisdom to do what you need to do, concerning the issues you have written. May you be blessed!
I need some advice. I grew up in a Christian family and unfortunately in my mid teens I turned from God -around this time I had my first serious relationship. We dated for a year and unfortunately had sex. I broke off the relationship because of guilt and tried to set my heart straight. I failed. A year later I dated a non Christian and again had sex throughout our relationship. I knew it was wrong but still did it anyway. I eventually broke up with him and turned my heart to God. I left my ‘bad’ friends and confessed my faith. That was 2 and a half years ago now.
Recently I started dating a Christian boy/man from my church. I had always planned on telling him before we started dating. However, things moved quickly and I didn’t find the right time or courage to tell him. I know I need to tell him but what if he breaks off with me? I’ve been surrounded by Christian friends that say a woman that’s had sex is ‘used’ and “no right man would marry her”. I know the Lord has forgiven me but is it too much to ask of someone else to take on someone with that sexual history?
We are keeping our relationship at a level with no physical intimacy. I haven’t even hugged him yet. Honestly, I wish I could keep it to myself and not tell him.
Good day. I’m a young lady that is seeking advice and sincere prayers. I’m deeply ashamed have been gravely affected by the things I’ve done in the past. One year ago, when I was naive, I was tricked into losing my virginity by a guy who turned out to be someone I’ve never met before. I felt that I had no choice but to continue having sex with him, allowing him to use me. I eventually stopped seeing him at all costs and started seeing other guys, but they all used, abused and refused me. I felt like a dirty piece of torn cloth that was being passed around to do all manner of things. I felt that I had no worth.
Recently and surprisingly, one of them called me and apologised, and I forgave him. I’m currently talking with a Christian guy who I really admire for his humility and character, but sometimes I feel that I’m not good enough, especially because I’m not a virgin anymore and he may not want me because of that. I also have a problem with lust and I don’t want to lust after him nor anyone. Although I’m currently celibate, I just asked God for forgiveness really feel so dirty. I really desire to be purified and to forgive myself because I want to have a beautiful marriage. I’m asking for your annointed prayers and counseling. Thank you and God bless you.
Kimmil, I would proceed very slowly with this Christian guy. If it looks like it is going somewhere, in a more serious direction, then I’d encourage you to tell him what happened. If he truly is a man of humility and character, this would prove it. I know without a shadow of doubt that if I had the past experiences that you have had, my husband and I would have been able to work past this together. He truly IS a man of great character. But some people just can’t handle this kind of testing. It would be good to find this out in the front end of your relationship, rather than later when your hearts are more entangled.
You might fear losing him, and that’s understandable. But it’s better to have that happen now, rather than later. Any man whom would look at you as tainted is forgetting the sins that God has forgiven them for, and they wouldn’t be husband material you would want because eventually something else would cause them to judge you. If Jesus forgave and forgives, so should he and so should you (as far as forgiving yourself). What does it say in 1 John 1:9? Read it and determine for yourself if what it says is true. If you don’t believe it, then what else do you not believe that God’s word tells you?
Here is a link to another article I encourage you to prayerfully read: http://host.agencysrvr.com/~marriage/the-journey-of-forgiving-yourself/. I pray it helps you.
Wow!!! I have never ever felt guilty about the sex I had before marriage and considering my two beautiful children were the result of pre marital sex pre marital sex provided me with a 2nd and 3rd thing to live for. I’m still with their mother. We have since gotten married but I think if you’re playing the comparison game, and can’t stop doing it, this has nothing to do with the devil or God… you are missing something that you need, not want, in your relationship/marriage. If you have had more than one partner there is always going to be comparisons better, worse and different. What you need to compare is the whole package. Can you live with the whole package, loving caring person to be by your side for the rest of your life, even thought he/she might not do the things a previous lover did?
I’m lucky that I’m in love with a person that “overall” is the best lover I’ve ever had and it keeps getting better as we explore our desires. Are there things that I’ve compared to others? Yes, is the best at everything no, but considering she loves me and is willing to try new things, as am I, that is what makes her the best ever.