Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

Husband Abuse Dollar Photo - Psychotic WomanWhen we think of domestic violence, we don’t often hear about husbands being abused. It’s usually the wife who is the reported sufferer. Yet, there are many husbands who are the victims of spousal abuse. Yes, husband abuse is real; it does happen.

So why don’t we hear about husbands being abused by their wives? David L. Fontes, Psy.D, in the article titled, “Men Don’t Tell” gives insight into several reasons. He writes:

“When a man is a victim of his wife’s physical abuse he is both shamed by the assaults of his wife and shamed by society for not ‘controlling’ her better. Men are considered ‘wimps’ for letting their wives beat them or for complaining about their wives’ attacks. For many men ‘taking it like a man’ means don’t complain and don’t show you are vulnerable or in pain!

“With the prospect of being viewed as ‘wimps’ and/or having the assaults by their wives not believed or minimized by the general public and law enforcement, it’s no wonder few men report their abuse or discuss it openly.”

Yes, Husband Abuse DOES Happen

We, at Marriage Missions, can testify that many, many husbands are the victims of abuse, more than people realize. Part of this is because it’s difficult for men to report their abuse and find help. This is especially true in the Christian community. We’ve received a number of emails from husbands who are dealing with their wives abusive behavior. They write that they want to be honorable men and won’t abuse back. But they don’t know what to do to stop their wives from hurting them in these ways.

We’ve tried to find articles —especially Christian articles, written on this subject to help. But there seems to be very, very little help available for abused husbands.

Does that mean that it’s less important to minister to the hurting husband as it is to the hurting wife, even though the numbers “appear” to be less? Should a husband just accept and silently suffer from abusive behavior, if it is directed at him from his wife? No. Abuse is wrong no matter who is victimizing the other, male or female.

This article is written to give abused husbands a voice that is MUCH needed and overdue.

Husband Abuse: Different Types of Attacks

Maxine Marz wrote a Metronews.ca article titled, “Husband Abuse Erodes Dignity” where she had the following to say on this issue:

“While it is true that most physical assaults caused by women tend to be less severe when compared to a man’s physical assault on a woman with his fist or a weapon. But still, the abusive woman’s slaps, bites, kicks and/or pulling of her partner’s hair are nevertheless very hurtful. In addition to subjecting physical pain, they attack the man’s dignity and erode his sense of self-worth. Many men also encounter emotional abuse when their spouse uses their children to assert her control over the relationship.

“To add insult to injury, some abusive women not only victimize their spouses by abusing them verbally, emotionally, financially and/or physically, but they also attempt to manipulate the criminal justice system in their favour and against their partner. This unconscionable attempt of some abusive women not only re-victimizes their already abused husbands by denying them equal rights and fair protection under the law, but it simultaneously devalues and undermines the admirable progress women’s groups have achieved over the years in trying to protect the rights of legitimately abused wives and their children in the criminal courts.

“It is evident that our society has made positive strides over the years to bring needed attention to domestic abuse and to better protect women. Unfortunately, based on what many abused husbands currently experience, we still have a long way to go to afford them with similar protection of their safety and security. We need to eliminate the current gender bias in our system that re-victimizes them all over again when they step into the legal arena.”

Husband Abuse: Out in the Open

To help bring this type of victimization out into the open, we will provide several web site links to articles that you can read on this subject. We hope it will help husbands to better protect themselves.

The following is a Youtube video that shows a little taste of what some men go through as far as abuse. This is not a marriage situation. It is a boyfriend/girlfriend one where she is assaulting him in different ways, with part of it being caught on camera. It’s part 1 of a Tyra Banks television show that featured abusive women. The quality of this video isn’t the best. But the content is enlightening. Please watch and you will see a small part of what some men go through:

Different Standards for Husband Abuse

What struck me about the featured story is that if that man would have been the abuser, I believe with all my heart that the audience would have been outraged. But the woman was absolutely clueless as to the gravity of it all. Plus, the audience didn’t seem as moved, like they would have been if a woman was getting berated by the man. If he was acting as she did to him, the outrage would have been ramped up. But because it’s a woman hitting and berating a man, it’s more palatable. It shouldn’t be, because abuse is wrong no matter who commits it. And yet, that’s the way society views wife abuse as opposed to husband abuse. This is so, so wrong.

Stories of Battered Men

On a further note, the articles linked below, consist of stories of battered men. (Some of them are followers of Christ and others who are not.) In these blogs, they share their life experiences of being battered by women. Please read what they have written. Abused men and husbands need to be heard too:

ABUSED MEN SPEAK OUT

BATTERED MEN: MEN’S PERSONAL STORIES

The following articles and blogs are posted on various web sites that deal with the subject of husband abuse and battered men. These articles are not posted on Christian web sites. Please be aware of that. However, we believe they give good insights. They also provide a lot of helpful information. We encourage you to glean what is good —that which lines up with Biblical standards. And then throw away that, which doesn’t apply to your situation. As you pray, the Lord will show you what NOT to use. Let the Lord be your guide.

Please click onto the links provided below to read:

MY SPOUSE HITS ME – Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

MALE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

— Additionally —

Many people ask why battered men don’t leave the abuse. They also question why do they remain silent? Murray A. Straus, a family violence researcher, gives this insight:

“There is a fear of having a 911 call turned around. If a man is being battered, is trying to protect the kids, and he calls 911, all too frequently he is the one who ends up being arrested. At a minimum, he may experience problems getting the police to believe that he’s been assaulted or that he needs the help of the police.

“Men are also less likely to call the police, even when there is injury. This is because, like women, they feel shame about disclosing family violence. But for many men, the shame is compounded by the shame of not being able to keep their wives under control. Among this group, a ‘real man’ would be able to keep her under control.”

And there are even more reasons. There is also help for men that are being abused. Read the following to learn more:

• WHY MEN DON’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT

WHEN YOUR WIFE IS A BULLY

HELP FOR BATTERED MEN

Read, Even if the Article Needs to Be Adapted

In addition, please read other articles that are provided on this web site in the Abuse in Marriage topic. They mostly address wives who are victimized by husbands. (Sadly, it’s difficult to find info that addresses husbands who are victimized.) Even so, we encourage you to ask God to show you how  to apply the advice that is given to your own situation. God can show you what advice you can use, and what you shouldn’t, or won’t be able to use.

We hope you find the help you need. May He help you as you reach out to Him —that is our prayer for you.

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

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Comments

321 responses to “Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?

  1. I am looking for help with an abusive wife- verbal. Whom I can I call to get help or guidance?

    1. Luis, The best I can think of would be the ministry of Focus on the Family. They have marriage counselors on staff (we don’t), and they also have a great referral list of counselors all over the country. You can find their contact info on their web site at https://www.focusonthefamily.com. I truly hope they can help because abuse of any kind chinks away at the marriage relationship and can kill it if it isn’t tended to properly.

    2. If My son wouldn’t have insisted I not get involved after his wife gave him a concussion, jumped on him and beat his face black and blue, called 911 5x, and once got him arrested, although charges were dropped for lack of evidence…still cost money. If he wouldn’t have insisted, I somehow would have convinced him to tell the doctor she broke the glass candle over his head while he was walking away and I should have called the police when he was beat up, but I did nothing, but wait on him to act. I finally convinced him to leave and then she disappeared until the divorce day when she popped up in court.

      She told the judge there was no child of the marriage 3x but he was going to put her under oath, then she told him there was a child. It is my son’s child. He was 8 months old that court day my son found out he had a child. Now she’s abusing my grandchild verbally. I know by the things my grandchild says. I’m so worried.

      I hope you don’t have children because she harasses my son every week about something and he doesn’t even have custody. She breaks all the court orders and it’s almost impossible to get the truth to the judge to be heard. It’s been 3 years of torture, thousands of dollars to attorneys who did very little, and she keeps moving farther away. Now she’s 8 hours away, so that’s a 16 hour drive to get my grandchild. She has a boyfriend and just wants my son and our family out of their life. She didn’t even give the baby my son’s last name, even though they had been married.

      Tell somebody. Leave. There is something very wrong with women who do this. It’s so cruel. It will not end until you stop it. They enjoy hurting you. I know God does not want you miserable. You have to get help. You have to tell somebody who can help. Like the other lady said, contact Focus on the Family. I didn’t know about them then.

  2. My wife has been abusing me so long I don’t care anymore really. I can’t leave her. But she is getting worse and I’m afraid she is planning to kill me. She tried to get people to help her kill me in 2009 but they backed out. She then accused me of rape and kidnapping. They almost gave me 80 yrs. I am still on probation. She tells everyone she is single on facebook. She cheats on me. She steals and lies to me. She bankrupts me over and over. She threatens me with police daily.

    She said the other day that she is selling my home that I paid for. Then said she put it in her dad’s name and is moving in to his house soon. She uses meth daily. She threw an ash tray at me and broke the glass range front last night. She stalks me. She will trace this message and I will pay for this. Please help.

  3. Girlfriend abusing boyfriend. Need advice, my girlfriend is very abusive, she hits, swears, yells at the top of her lungs on a daily basis. We have been dating off and on for two years. She says she does this because she doesn’t trust me. I’ve been honest and faithful with her but she always finds a way to bring up my past and hit me in the face blackening my eye twice. I need advice, I’m so frustrated I’m afraid I might hit her in defense.

    1. Dear Poor Soul, This is a very, very disturbing situation, to say the least. There are all kinds of red flags waving, which are warning you to get away from this gal. It doesn’t matter WHAT she gives as an excuse… abusive behavior is NEVER okay. And if she does this now, just imagine what will happen if you marry this gal. Trust me, after marriage this kind of behavior just escalates. I realize that you may feel very close to this gal. You may even love her, and when she is not abusing you, she may be a very engaging person. But this behavior is toxic. She needs serious help. If you conducted yourself like this, you would be put into jail. Women, who do this should also be put into jail, but they very, very rarely are. That is not right in any way, shape, or form. I’m a woman, and yet even I see that abuse is never okay–not if it is committed by a man, and not if it is committed by a woman. What you describe in your comment is physical, emotional, and verbal abuse–that, which is never, ever excusable.

      I plead with you to read two articles we have posted on this web site, and the linked articles we provide within them. You truly need to hear from others who have been through similar things that you have been through so you can make better life choices. This first article mostly addresses single gals who are being abused by their boyfriends (because that’s who we could find who are writing this type of info). I wish we could find more guys to write articles like this, but it is what it is. Most guys just wouldn’t do it for a host of different reason. Even so, please read this first article and the ones that are linked within it. It is titled, Warning: Escape Abuse BEFORE Marriage. It can be found at: https://marriagemissions.com/warning-escape-abuse-before-marriage/.

      The second article is written by abused husbands. You need to read it whether or not you intend to marry your girlfriend. When I say that abuse escalates, these men confirm that. You really need to see how bad it can get and the dangerous situation you are in by continuing on with this abusive girlfriend. You can find yourself on the “being arrested” side of the abuse issue. The article is titled, “Husband Abuse: Can a Wife Abuse Her Husband?” You can find it at: https://marriagemissions.com/husband-abuse-wife-abuse-husband/. Please read this article and the video and additional articles that are linked within it. I believe you will get a fuller picture of the danger you are in and enabling to perpetuate and grow by being in this relationship. Please, please take this seriously. Your life and future may depend upon it.