Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

Husband's Sexual Needs Photoclub
Photoclub

After 27 years of marriage, I’m just beginning to understand my husband’s sexual needs.

I DO know that his need for sexual contact is much stronger than mine. While I would be thrilled, with a romantic rendezvous about twice a month, my husband’s sexual needs are more intense.

I noticed a pattern: the longer he went without sexual intimacy, the more irritable he became. On the days when we made love, Ron was mellow and easygoing about things that might normally have bothered him. During the day after, he was still patient, kind, and cuddly as a six-foot teddy bear. On the third day after our “session”, he would start to get restless and make sarcastic comments like, ”Don’t worry about me. You just live your life and I’ll wait here.”

Then, if we hadn’t “played doctor” in four days, the veins in his eyes would get red and bulgy and his upper lip would start to twitch. If we went into the fifth day, he’d start to gnaw on the sofa.

The longer he went without release, the more pressurized —that is, grumpy —he became. If we ever went a whole week without sex, it’s as if his skin would turn green, black bolts would pop out of his neck, and he would morph into Franken-Husband.

Ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business” a couple times a week, you may be creating your own monster.

Ron and I talked about my theory, and he agreed with it. He said, “After several days without sex, I start to feel like you don’t care about me. It isn’t a conscious decision, but my resentment just starts to build and keeps getting worse each day that you ignore or reject me.”

Husband’s Sexual Needs for Release

Then, I did some research and it confirmed our experience. Men’s need for sexual release is based on actual physical, hormonal needs. Many studies agree that because of sperm production, natural testosterone, and other factors, men naturally want sexual release about every seventy-two hours, or three days.

Men need sexual contact. God designed them that way. It’s not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. If a wife makes an effort to meet her husband’s sexual needs, he’ll be more willing to meet hers. Sex is number one on Ron’s priority list and approximately number forty-seven on mine, but I have learned to honor its importance to him.

You are Sex-Driving Me Crazy!

I don’t fully understand the hormonal, physical male sex drive, but I do know a thing or two about the female hormone cycles. Ladies, have you ever gone on a PMS-driven mission called “Gotta have chocolate, or someone’s gonna die?” I have. I once ransacked every drawer in my son’s room looking for last year’s semi-sweet Easter Bunny’s ear.

I’ve clawed through the kitchen cupboards like [the movie character] Indiana Jones on a quest, looking for a little golden bag containing stale chocolate chips. As I ripped it open and blissfully inhaled the aroma, my pulse reacted as if I’d just found the necklace that the old lady threw off the Titanic.

Now imagine that you’re on a take-no-prisoners chocolate chase and your husband has a Snickers bar in his locked briefcase —but he won’t give you the key. He has the capability to relieve your hormonal obsession, but he refuses. How would you feel about him? Would you think that he was selfish? Mean? Cruel?

Ron says that’s how a man feels when his wife rejects his sexual needs.

Ouch.

Would You Like a Me-Burger?

If you think of your husband’s sexual needs as a hunger, his desire can be satisfied in many different ways. Each “feeding” does not have to be a banquet. His wife could “feed the need” with a snack, a meal, or a feast.

Often, a quick snack will satisfy his appetite. (Use your imagination here.) Other times, he’ll be thrilled to sit down (lie down) for a simple meal. On special occasions, however, get out the good china (satin sheets), send the children to Grandma’s house, and flambé a fabulous feast.

Ladies, next time your husband gets hungry for you and you’re too tired to prepare a banquet, ask him, “How about a quick snack?” He’ll probably be thrilled that you’re not rejecting him, and you’ll be able to meet his need without resenting it.

Don’t Make Him Beg

Bambi had four children in five years. She went from being a sex kitten to a fat cat who craved catnaps. She lost all interest in sex and was so tired that she had a “headache” for most of the next decade. When her husband tried to get frisky, she’d often arch her back and hiss, “You must be kidding!” He wasn’t. She refused him so many times that he quit asking. Not surprisingly, they’re now divorced and in the middle of a bitter custody battle over the kittens.

Men have fragile egos in this area and, in order to avoid rejection, they may stop pursuing their wives. Ladies, if your husband isn’t asking anymore, immediately sprint into a lingerie shop. I mean now, this minute! March in there, and buy a little —and I mean little —something. Then call your hubby and say, “I’m cooking up something special for dinner —hurry home!”

Unless your husband is a eunuch, he has sexual needs. Do your best to satisfy them.

“But I’m Embarrassed”

I don’t know why, but men are stimulated by visual cues. That’s why they’re much more likely to look at pornography than women are.

That’s also why they like to make love with the lights on. I’d prefer the flattering glow of a single votive candle, but Ron wants to use the same wattage a dentist uses for a root canal. So we have a conflict.

We’ve been married for 27 years and my body is almost fifty years old, and it’s showing signs of wear. I think of it as a comfy sofa: lumpy, frayed, and a little saggy. I try to avoid full-length mirrors, but my hubby still wants to see me —and that’s a good thing.

Several years ago, we discovered a wonderful compromise: we use a red or pink light bulb in the lamp next to our bed. I know it sounds crazy, but don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. The rosy glow diminishes most flaws, wrinkles, and stretch marks. You can buy these magic bulbs at most larger grocery stores for less than five dollars.

Discussing Wife’s and Husband’s Sexual Needs Together

Ideally, you should be at a place in your marriage where you can ask each other, “Are you happy with our sex life?” If one of you is not, ask, “Why not?” As a married couple, it’s vital that you are able to discuss your needs openly and honestly. If it’s important to one of you, it needs to be important to both of you.

Metaphorically speaking, if the wife waters the husband and the husband waters the wife, they will both be satisfied. “Drink water from your own well —share your love only with your wife [husband]” (Proverbs 5:15 NLT).

This article is adapted from the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, written by Nancy C Anderson, published by Kregel Publications. It was written by Nancy, who strayed to the other side of the marital fence —and returned to find forgiveness and restoration. Author Nancy C Anderson and her husband Ron, speak nationally to couples’ groups of all denominations. They share their message of hope and restoration with tenderness and humor. If you live in the United States and would like for them to speak with your group please contact them at Nancycanderson.com

IF YOU ARE MARRIED and you have additional tips you can share, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.

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Comments

481 responses to “Husband’s Sexual Needs: Man Or Monster?

  1. It is a great article; I had fun to read it! I feel the author’s compassion for both sides and there is a resolution. There is an explanation of our nature, and needs. All for peace in a family! “Treat others like you want to be treated” ladies! Yes, we do not have that constant sex drive but we can be nice out of compassion. I am sure God will reward us as well as our husband will. Jesus died on a cross for us; he sacrificed himself so we won’t die eternally and we complain about little favor we can do for our hubby? It is not his fault he is designed that way!

    And we are designed to be his friend and helper! Deny your ego and step in his shoes. We are women! That means we are mothers, lovers and take carers! Praise God for that! Throw away those feminists concepts like “it is all about me” or “he should think about my feelings.” That will end up with family fights, unhappy kids, cheating and divorces. Put on an armor of love, sacrifice, devotion and care. Good luck, ladies! God bless you!

  2. I shared this with my wife. I am 58 and she is 56. She said that is all I ever want from her. I said no, that is all I ever need from you. In the last 10 years of begging, I am giving up on 30 years of marriage. I told her before if the sex doesn’t pick up I am out. It did for about 3 weeks. I am horny all the time and she doesn’t care about sex. She says it is too much work. She stays home all day, no kids, doesn’t clean and seldom cooks.

    1. mmmm, what if your xxxxxx quit working, how would you feel if your wife wanted to leave you because of this??

  3. Remarkable understanding of a man’s perspective from a woman. Your husband is truly blessed, thank you.

  4. My husband of 35 years sent this to me. I had hurt him but not on purpose. I didn’t truly understand his needs. I always thought his desire was a lot. I have a lot of physical problems now, but that is no excuse to not be the wife he needs. I have asked The Lord and him to forgive me. I have made a promise I intend to keep to him.

    1. Sandie, does your husband understand that you have physical problems? Does he meet your needs too? I hope your sex life isn’t all about ‘meeting his needs.’

      1. I understand where you are coming from and although I don’t disagree that it affects men I’m curious how those of us that developed chronic illness should feel about this. I struggle with fatigue and pain daily; I practically live at doctors. Our 4 children have been diagnosed with autism; 3 of them have also started to have health issues so that’s even more doctors.

        My husband does work full time nights and I appreciate how hard he works, but I am expected to handle all medical, school, mental health, and emotional needs of our children daily, which is a huge struggle for me considering it hurts to breathe and sometimes I can’t even bathe myself.

        A big fight my husband and I keep having is sex. He wouldn’t even be satisfied if I did it once a week because I can’t be exciting; it’s too exhausting and he wants me to enjoy it as well, which is pretty much impossible considering I suffer from numbness down there and everything hurts. I kill myself daily to be there for the kids (he still wants one more btw) and him. He says I don’t care about his needs, which is primarily sex but what about the fact he doesn’t seem to care it makes me ill for days. If he lost the ability for sex and I was healthy I would still love and care for him and live without; but since I’m sick I feel like I’m expected to magically get better or face divorce.